If your cruise ship is in the doldrums and has a dull-lull to fill in, it’s time to play games.

Really?

Afraid so.

Here’s some classic ice-breakers that may help melt the frigid atmosphere in what is often described as mixed parties, i.e. men, women – and whatevers:

Chase-me-Charlie

This is not a description of a frustrated single passenger desperate for a little…attention. Also known as Blind Man’s Buff, it’s that game where one passenger is blindfolded and has to try to catch all the others. When he/she has caught one, he/she (it?) then gets to feel their, faces, hair, wallets, and so forth (filthy swines), trying to guess who it is. ‘Ooh, hello sailor, didn’t I meet you last night behind the funnel?’

Celebrities

Names of famous people, alive or dead, real or fictional, are written on stickers which are then placed on the backs of passengers. Then each passenger talks to a member of the opposite sex to find out who she/he (it!) is by asking questions that must be answered with a simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. If somebody comes up to you without a sticker on their back and says, ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ that will probably be a real celebrity.

Musical lifeboats

Passengers sit on deck chairs that have been arranged in a circle, but there’s one extra player than chairs available. Everybody then walks around while music (‘Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush’) plays. When the music stops, the person failing to get a seat jumps over the side of the ship with their chair and the game starts again, each time with one less chair. The last person sitting in a lifeboat is the winner.

Sardines

There are two ways of playing this. You can either see how many sardines you can stuff in your mouth from the luncheon buffets, or hide somewhere on the ship while other passengers search for you. If somebody finds you they have to stay until all the other passengers and crew squash themselves into your hidey-hole (filthy swines). The first version of this game is all too common on cruises, except that many passengers don’t restrict themselves to the fish courses. The latter version is based on the final day of a cruise during which some skinflints try to avoid paying for the extras they’ve incurred during their trip at sea.

Treasure Hunt

Passengers are given a series of clues scattered around the ship to help them find a special present – such as the keys to the Duty Free secured area, the ship’s safe, or the quickest exit route during a stop-over.

Partner-finder

Very popular, this. The captain gives one of two packs of playing cards to the ladies, and the other to the gentlemen. If there’s nobody fitting these descriptions available, he hands a pack to any man or woman who is still breathing and hanging around out of sheer boredom. Then each passenger holding a card has to find a person of the opposite sex holding what is known as a corresponding (as in, if we click, we’ll be corresponding by email) card. This is not to be confused with a co-respondent’s card., an entirely different game for grown-ups. While all this malarkey is going on, all the other saner passengers who haven’t given up on life will be doing something similar on their mobiles, laptops or tablets. Some will even fall back on actually attempting to talk to total strangers, or dancing with them, or even speed-date-walking around the deck. You can always tell when one of speed-daters doesn’t fancy the other person they are with – they start running – away.

Not that you should run away from a sea cruise. Otherwise you’ll miss all the fun.

James Leavey

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I have a favourite uncle who’s always been there for me. He may not be tall, but he has a giant personality. He may not be wealthy, but his heart is made of gold.

On Monday I had a phone call from his son to say Uncle Ted had finally gone on that big journey – the one we must all take, sooner or later. That’s right, he’s gone on a cruise to Australia. But only for four weeks.

Uncle Ted’s voyage south has set me thinking seriously about taking such a cruise myself. Let’s face it, for us Brits, it’s a trip we all eventually have to make.

Most of us have friends or relatives who have relocated to the southern hemisphere. Their letters and Christmas cards keep demanding to know why we haven’t popped over to see them.

Do an Uncle Ted

Well, with modern cruise packages, the ability and incentive to sail down under has never been greater.

So what exactly are the options for you, if you decide to do an Uncle Ted?

Well, there’s an amazing range of Australian cruises out there, each one of them worthy of consideration. Here are two in particular that caught my eye.

Queensland and country

This 11-night cruise on Rhapsody of the Seas brings you the genuine, full-on Aussie experience.

You sail from everybody’s favourite Southern Hemisphere city, Sydney, on 12 January 2014 and head north, arriving two days later in Brisbane. Still moving up the map you reach Airlie Beach two days later, closely followed by Willis Island and Cairns.

Now it’s time to turn round and head south again. If your cabin was looking out to sea before, it will now be facing in the direction of land, which makes a change.

After two full days at sea you have a chance to step ashore in Newcastle, which is your last port of call, before you disembark back at your starting point on 23 January.

Prices, which start from £3,784 per person, include flights from Heathrow to Sydney, plus three nights stay in the Parkroyal (it really is one word) Darling Harbour hotel in Sydney.

Melbourne and Tasmania

For this 8-night cruise on Diamond Princess, your holiday begins, once again, in Sydney. But this time you start by sailing in a clockwise direction.

Gliding majestically out of Sydney harbour on 3 December the Princess ventures south towards Melbourne, which you reach two days later. From there you are transported across Bass Strait to reach Wineglass Bay in Tasmania, a day later.

With two more stops – at Hobart and Port Arthur – you have a great opportunity to get to know the island and become an instant, honorary Tasmaniac.

Then, after a further day at sea, you get to see that iconic Sydney cityscape one more time, as you reach the end of your voyage.

This cruise doesn’t include flights, but prices start at a very affordable £755 per person.

Wise words

In olden times, when someone departed for Oz, it could be heartbreaking for the folk left behind. There was a very real possibility you might never see your loved one again.

But those days have thankfully gone.

Although I’m going to miss my dear uncle, he’ll be back in no time at all. And my guess is he’ll return with plenty of wise words on how I should spend my time down under.

You know what, everyone should have an Uncle Ted.

Bruce-beckett

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You get what you pay for, the old adage goes.

My experience in the past week debunks that theory and made me think about service standards in general and on board cruise ships in particular.

People’s expectations of the service they receive, whether it be in a shop, bar, restaurant or on holiday, has arguably never been as high as it is today.

We may all be looking for value for money – and that doesn’t necessarily mean the cheapest – but at the same time we expect certain standards to apply.

With news out this week that many people are cutting back on spending on leisure pursuits and holidays due to the rising costs of commuting to and from work, the value message is again thrown into the limelight.

In my book good service is an integral part of that value chain and can determine whether a purchase is made or not, irrespective of the price.

I have three examples to share with you based my personal experience in the last seven days.

Sales no go

Firstly, my wife is in the market for a new car so we arranged to visit a well known dealer having researched online and whittled our choice down to two or three brands.

To say that the guy we dealt with lived down to every archetype of used car salesman cliché would be an understatement. Condescending to my wife, arrogant, unhelpful, smarmy and downright rude are just a few of the descriptions I can use here.

Against our better judgment, we took a test drive, and my wife liked the vehicle, so much so that she was happy to consider a top of the range model complete with all the bells and whistles.

However, when it came to discussing a trade in with her current car and a financing deal, our man just failed to go that extra mile. He was not prepared to budge on the list price – unheard of in any new car sale I’ve ever been involved in – almost as if he was treating us with contempt.

Needless to say, at that point we walked away and he lost out on a potentially valuable sales opportunity, while wasting two hours of his and our lives.

Not a good experience and one that has put us off the brand altogether despite being prepared to pay a not insignificant sum of money.

Drab dining

That evening we had arranged to take friends to a nearby pub/restaurant recently taken over by a well-known chef.

Expectations were high but on arrival we immediately felt let down by the lack of welcome, the non-existent atmosphere and sanitised environment. OK, we thought, we can just about live with this provided the food is up to scratch.

Sadly, that proved not to be the case and to add insult to injury the mark ups on pretty standard bottles of wine proved to be eye wateringly high.

Much of this could, however, been overcome and put down to initial teething troubles a few weeks into opening if the service and presentation had been immaculate.

But once again we felt let down by surly staff who ignored requests for simple things like a bottle of water for the table, something that should be offered as a matter of course.

I won’t go into the gory details of the meal, suffice to say we left without leaving a tip having felt short-changed by the bill and disappointed that our understandably high expectations had not been met at any level.

Up with undies

The following day my wife called into an independent lingerie shop in our local town in Dorset to make a relatively inexpensive purchase. The owner/manager could not have been more helpful, making recommendations and offering to order in items to try out. Here was an example of service at its best – not pushy but knowledgeable, helpful and unrushed, friendly but not obsequious.

My wife was delighted with the expert advice she received, bought at least one item and ordered others. No doubt she will be telling her girlfriends all about the great experience and recommending they also shop there for their undies.

The outlay in the undies shop was the smallest of the three examples, demonstrating in my view how exemplary service does not have to be restricted to big ticket items. Quite the contrary it appears.

This is where cruise lines win hands down over hotels. In my experience service standards on ships of all grades is uniformly high, and far exceeds standards at equivalent resort hotels.

Bedding is changed every night and cabins tidied, bar staff and waiters remember your name and your favourite tipple, you are greeted everywhere with a smile and nothing ever seems too much to ask for.

For that reason I never begrudge tipping cruise staff as they genuinely deserve it – unlike some others that immediately spring to mind.

Phil Davies

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Teddy bears don’t need hearts, they are usually stuffed with love.

Maybe that’s why staff at Bristol Airport have spent the last 14 months hunting the owner of a 100-year-old teddy bear that got left behind in their departure lounge.

The antique bear, which has one eye and a floppy ear (known as Lucky?), was found in a bag together with a frayed black and white photo dated March 1918 of poor old Teddy in those far-off, presumably better days, being hugged by two children.

A message in faded ink on the back of the photo reads, ‘With dearest love and kisses to our darling Daddie from your loving daughter and sonnie Dora and Glyn.’

There will now be a short paws (!) while you get your hankies out and have a good sob. That’ll knock the stuffing out of you.

To add to the heartache of all my fellow teddy-lovers, such tragedy isn’t uncommon on cruise ships. But teddies and their carers are usually reunited by the cruise lines.

Just try to keep a close eye on yours and don’t leave it behind or, God forbid, allow it to fall into the sea.

For those of you who have never given a thought, never mind their heart, to one, the teddy is a soft toy that was developed almost simultaneously by toy-makers Morris Michtom in the USA and Richard Steiff in Germany in the early 20th century.

Named after President Theodore ‘Teddy’ Roosevelt, Jr., the teddy bear became an iconic children’s toy, celebrated in story, song and film.

Remember Winnie the Pooh, Fozzie, Paddington, Yogi, Boo Boo, and Rupert?

Oddly enough, teddies are often given from one adult to another as an expression of love, congratulations and…sympathy.

For teddies and other furry fuzzy objects such as woolly lambs, kittens, and those manky blankets (like the one Linus carries around in the Peanuts cartoon strip) provide comfort or consolation in a time of distress or sadness.

I used to have a small stuffed pink dog called ‘Pinky’ who I carried around for the first six years of my life until my mother washed him. He was never the same, afterwards. But I still miss him.

My daughter had a pink teddy known as Pink Ted (my son’s was known as Brown Ted) who was listed in her classroom register at her central London primary school.

The teacher used to read out all the kid’s names first thing in the morning:

‘Francesca Leavey?’

‘Yes.’

‘Pink Ted?’

‘Squeak!’

‘I take that to mean a yes.’

Until one night she came home in tears because she’d left Pink Ted at school. I had to go and wake up the caretaker and comb the classrooms until found Pinky, safe and sound, if a little upset because his careless owner had forgotten to bring him home.

That childhood fanatical attachment to some form of comforter stays with many people all their life.

But usually the child discards such toys and childhood possessions for the solace of religion, music, love, tobacco, booze and, for some, a life at sea.

You may not think so at first glance but some of those captains and sailors you meet on a cruise ship retire to their bunks with their favourite teddy.

At least one, in my experience, presses a tiny teddy bear (which he keeps handy at all times) to his forehead when thinking deep thoughts.

I know what he’s thinking, ‘Everything in life I share, except, of course, my teddy bear.’

James Leavey

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Did I mention that cruising could be good for your health? Spend time away from the ocean and you may be denying yourself vital therapy. So what’s the most cost-effective way to keep your vitamin sea levels nicely topped up?

One answer might be to treat yourself to a mini cruise. A few days on a big ship may be all that’s needed to keep you going till you’re ready for your next major holiday.

Such cruises might also help to combat the withdrawal symptoms many of us get when we spend too long on dry land, without experiencing the reassuring caress of an ocean breeze.

Small furry creatures

Of course, there are other important benefits of choosing a mini cruise. For a start they are relatively inexpensive to book and should also be easier to fit into a busy schedule.

While you may have to spend time rearranging your life to accommodate a fortnight on the Med, a four-night mini cruise should require minimal pre-cruise preparation.

For example, if cats and dogs and other small furry creatures have to be rehoused for the duration, this should be easier to set up, not to mention less costly.

Long time no sea

So, if you’re suffering from cold sweats and palpitations brought on by an attack of long-time-no-sea syndrome, but feel unable to commit to a full-blown Rolls Royce of a cruise, maybe the answer lies in a mini.

As luck would have it there are some great mini cruises out there, right now. In particular, I’ve come across two that seem worthy of special note.

Spain and Italy for under £150

It’s hard to resist the temptation to get out onto the sea when there are packages on offer like this four-night cruise on MSC Sinfonia. Not least becomes it comes with a starting price of £149 per person.

Your holiday kicks off on 7 November 2013 when you glide out into the Med from Palma de Mallorca. In case you didn’t know, Mallorca is the largest of the Balearic Islands, though it’s probably more familiar to us Brits as Majorca.

From there the MSC Sinfonia takes you to Majorca’s little sister, the island of Minorca and its capital city of Port Mahon. Now comes your third Mediterranean island in the shape of Sardinia, which you reach on day 3 of your cruise, stepping ashore in the north-eastern town of Olbia.

After that it’s time to head for the Italian mainland and the south-western city of Salerno, located in the legendary Gulf of Salerno on the romantic Tyrrhenian Sea. Finally, you head north to the historic Italian port of Genoa, which you reach on 11 November.

LA and Mexico for under £370

Prices for this four-night Golden Princess cruise start at just £369 per person. That seems a modest sum to part with when you realise you get shore time in two great North American ports and the Pacific thrown in for good measure.

It all begins in Los Angeles, California on 1 November 2013. You spend a day at sea sailing south, before arriving at the coastal city of Ensenada in lower California, Mexico. After nine hours of exploring this popular cruise ship destination – known locally as the Cinderella of the Pacific – you step back on board the Princess.

Next you head northwards, back to LA and that other California, reaching it the following day, which is also the final day of your cruise.

Sailing every cruise lane

It’s easy to get totally hooked on cruising. You may feel you want to sail every cruise lane available, to maximise the benefits of this therapeutic pastime. However, I’m a great believer in moderation in all things.

And that’s where the mini cruise comes into its own. You can enjoy several such packages in one year without overdoing things or shredding your finances. It can also be a great way to get a quick taste of a region before committing yourself to a more ambitious itinerary.

In addition, a mini cruise can be an ideal choice when you only have small windows of opportunity to take a holiday.

Whatever your circumstances, one thing is clear. As long as there are mini cruises to be booked, no one need ever succumb to the terrible consequences arising from a lack of vitamin sea.

Bruce-beckett

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Anyone who thought there was a slowdown in global cruise industry growth is going to have to eat their words.

Just over a week before the Duchess of Cambridge is due to conduct the formal naming ceremony of Princess Cruises’ new ship Royal Princess in Southampton on June 13 and rival Royal Caribbean Cruises upped the stakes in new orders.

The line confirmed cruise industry speculation that a third new generation Quantum-class ship was being ordered with the signing of a contract with German shipyard Meyer Werft.

This came within days of the disclosure that the first in the new class of 4,152-passenger vessels is to operate a transatlantic cruise from Southampton next year ahead of entering service from Cape Liberty in the US on Caribbean and Bermuda cruises in winter 2014.

This means the importance of the UK cruise sector will again be recognised following Norwegian Cruise Line showcasing its new family-friendly ship Norwegian Breakaway in Southampton in April and Royal Caribbean International bringing the world’s largest cruise ship Oasis of the Seas to the port for a transatlantic crossing in October 2014.

Meanwhile, the stunning Breakaway’s yet to be launched sister ship Norwegian Getaway will be making its debut from Florida in the new year, providing great nine-night eastern Caribbean winter sun fly-cruise options from Miami starting on January 31 with calls at Philipsburg in St Maarten, Charlotte Amalie in St Thomas and Nassau in the Bahamas.

These industry-leading American cruise giants will be followed just a year by P&O Cruises’ as yet unnamed new ship, which is due to join the fleet in 2015 as the biggest vessel designed specifically for the British cruise market.

Looking forward

It is too early to saw where the third Quantum-class vessel will be deployed when it enters service in the summer on 2016. Yet to be named, the vessel is expected to carry similar innovations such being introduced by Quantum of the Seas net year and sister ship Anthem of the Seas in 2015.

These include a skydiving simulator transporting thrill-seeking passengers high into the air, the largest indoor sports and entertainment complex at sea with bumper cars and roller skating and a sight-seeing capsule –rather than a pod on the London Eye – extending 300 feet above sea level.

The 16 decks will contain established Royal Caribbean International features such as the flowrider surf simulator, rock climbing walls and movies under the stars on deck.

Also new will be larger cabins and suites including what Royal Caribbean is claiming as a industry first with interior accommodation having ‘virtual balconies’ to ensure that every cabin will have a view.

“We are creating a compelling experience for holidaymakers with innovative design, winning service, and appealing destinations around the world,” said Royal Caribbean Cruises’ chairman and chief executive Richard Fain.

Royal Caribbean International president and chief executive Adam Goldstein added: “We are encouraged by the very positive response we received from travel agents and consumers when we first announced some of the unprecedented offerings on Quantum Class last month.

“The Quantum class will offer holidaymakers more unexpected activities in the most extraordinary spaces, and a third ship will offer even more opportunities for holidaymakers to experience Quantum cruising.”

Unique experiences

This news emerged a week after the seventh annual selling cruise conference for UK travel agency staff, which appropriately took the theme of ‘Thinking Ahead’.

What emerged loud and clear from the event, attended by more than 450 delegates, was the enormous potential for more UK holidaymakers to consider taking a cruise.

Royal Caribbean’s UK and Ireland general manager Jo Rzymowska, one of the main speakers on the day in Southampton, pointed out that while the sector continues to grow, seven in eight package holidays sold in Britain are not yet a cruise.

“We are planning a future where there is a cruise to appeal to the most cynical holidaymaker,” she stressed, while highlighting the importance of positive recommendations about cruse holidays from passengers.

All three keynote speakers at the day-long conference, organised by industry body the Cruise Lines International Association UK & Ireland, urged travel agents to harness the power of social network Facebook to post and share their expertise as prospective clients look to tap into growth over the next decade of “unique experiences” which can only be experienced on a cruise.

There’s no shortage of new and exciting ships taking to the seas to enable such experiences, helping to open up destinations to a new, younger, breed of passenger, families in particular.

Phil Davies

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Every time I am about to leave home for a holiday, especially a sea cruise, I feel excited but slightly apprehensive.

Have I packed everything? Got the passport and visas? Floating money belt?

Anything else I have forgotten?

Ah yes, the police. Who are knocking on my door with their truncheons (filthy swines) and suggesting I un-manacle the wife, children and cats.

You try to explain they have enough water and dry biscuits for a fortnight, and there’s a bucket handy… But no, they want them to wander around and create mischief and spend money while I am swanning around on the high seas.

You’ve got to set off…

After a grilling and having my assets seized (filthy swines) I pay the fine and get clamped with an electronic ball and chain.

Then, and only then, am I allowed to set off, hopefully to arrive.

And what a bloody journey it was until I got on safely on board.

Somehow I survived all the usual annoyances that always seem to gang up and try hinder my way to a pleasant vacation – such as delayed taxis, trains, planes, ferries, and foul weather.

OK. I was forced to bring the whole family (herself, the kiddy-winks, and the moggies) with me.

So now we can all relax at sea and have a jolly old time. Maybe even a Jolly Roger time, if the pirates try to board us again.

After days and weeks of blissful transport on a vessel that caters to your every whim (not that one, you gutter-minded person), it suddenly dawns on me that the end of the cruise is nigh. No relation to Captain Bligh, but almost as unpleasant.

Some of the happiest days of your life are when you get the last laugh, have the last word, and pay that last instalment.

…if you want to arrive

Unfortunately, just about the time I think I can at last make both ends meet, somebody comes along and moves the ends.

Or shifts the goalposts.

Wouldn’t mind but I don’t even play football.

And then there’s those tedious days when the ship’s drone limpets his or her self to your ear and starts a conversation that bores you no end, because it hasn’t any.

So, here we are again, facing the end of a holiday at sea.

All those worries and frustrations that nagged me at the start have, like a undiscovered WW2 mine, resurfaced.

Fortunately, the journey home always seems somehow faster than the trip out.

So, whether you are at the start or end of a cruise, or a special time of your life, I wish you a safe, happy and interesting voyage.

James Leavey

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I’m not one of those pessimistic types who you’d hate to be stuck with in a cruise ship lift. I’m really not. But judging from recent weather, I reckon summer may have to be cancelled this year.

If you feel waiting 12 months for another summer to come along is asking too much of you, I believe I have a good solution. It turns out you can use the magic of cruising to cut that waiting time in half?

That’s right, summer could be with you in just six months’ time.

Escape

All you have to do is book yourself a southern hemisphere cruise for December 2013 or January 2014. You’ll not only taste life on the underside of the planet, you’ll escape the ravages of a northern hemisphere winter.

Above all, you’ll get to savour a genuine old-fashioned summer, like your dear old Gran used to enjoy. And while we’re talking about your Gran, if she’s up for it, why not bring her with you?

Two great regions

When we think about a holiday in the lower half of our world, Australia and New Zealand inevitably spring to mind. But let’s not forget there are two other great cruising regions that can deliver an early summer: South America and South Africa.

So, for all those who want to fast forward to a genuine summer, here are two cruises that might just fit the bill.

South Africa

You may imagine that a summer cruise in such a distant location will cut a hefty slice out of your bank balance. Well you couldn’t be more wrong.

It turns out you can enjoy a cruise to South Africa and Mozambique for as little as £269 per person. That’s exactly what’s on offer from this 4-night package on MSC Opera.

You leave Durban in South Africa on 13 January 2014 and head for Maputo in Mozambique, which you reach the next day. From there you sail to Portuguese Island off the coast of Mozambique for a two-day stay.

After that it’s back to Durban, where the cruise ends on 17 January.

Even though you’ll be spending less than a week in the sun, even a short cruise like this can bring a bit of cheer to what otherwise could be a very bleak British January.

South America

You know how they always say you should save for a rainy day. Well here’s a great reason to stockpile your cash for a sunny day – 14 sunny days to be precise.

This two week package on the Golden Princess takes you on a summer southern hemisphere voyage, from the Pacific to the Atlantic via Cape Horn, Chile. Prices start from £1,196 per person.

Come 21 December 2013, while your friends back home are shivering on the longest night of the year, you’ll be sailing from sunny Santiago, Chile. You may even want to send them some pics to rub it in.

After three days at sea you’ll reach Punta Arenas in Chile followed by Ushuaia, Argentina. Then comes the most southerly point of your trip as you step ashore in Cape Horn.

From there your itinerary takes you to the Falkland Islands, followed by Buenos Aires in Argentina, Montevideo in Uruguay and finally, Rio de Janeiro in Brazil.

So, wherever you get to spend your next summer, whether it’s in Britain or somewhere warm and far to the south, all I can say is have a great one.

Bruce-beckett

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Weddings, Parties, Anything was the name of a little-known Australian rock band that I happened to get to love on trips Down Under in the 1990s.

The name came from a song by The Clash called Revolution Rock, according to my research on Wikipedia.

But it could equally apply to the offering on a short cruise across the channel by P&O Cruises newly refurbished ship Ventura.

Judging by the number of gloriously dressed hen parties, birthday groups, anniversaries and couples celebrating special occasions; this was going to be one big party.

Although away for just two nights to Zeebrugge for excursions into Bruges and the Belgian coast, the ship attracted well over 3,000 passengers over the past bank holiday weekend.

And they were primed for fun with a capital ‘F’. All ages were represented on board – a true cross section of society from couples of all ages to families and the aforementioned celebratory groups. In total there were 600 families on board, although the dedicated clubs for children across all ages seemed more than capable of coping.

Among ship’s captain Paul Brown’s duties on the short sailing included renewing the vows of one couple on board.

Single travellers are now welcomed on Ventura with the addition of 18 dedicated cabins, centrally located near the atrium. This certainly helps for those in groups not wishing to share while wanting their own personal space.

Musical tributes

On board entertainment was primed to match the expected passenger mix with a Kyle Minogue tribute singer and a Seventies Blame it on the Boogie singalong on the first night followed by a Madness tribute band the next evening.

Good weather meant the swimming pools were packed over the two days, helped by the rear Terrace pool now reverting back from being limited to adults only. The opening of the pool as part of the Oasis spa to all-comers was also welcome together with the addition of the adults-only Retreat chill out zone above for those happy to pay a small supplement to get away from the crowds.

The good thing about Ventura, however, is that it is large enough to cope with the numbers. So while there are a few bottle necks, on most occasions it was easy to get around with no noticeable queues in the bars and restaurants, although afternoon tea in the Waterside and Beach House buffet areas seemed to be exceptionally busy.

The same could not be said for the Asian fusion dining room East overseen by Michelin star Indian chef Atul Kochhar with many tables empty on the occasions I walked past. A shame as I understand the new spice-infused menus created by Atul are well worth the £25 additional supplement being charged on my cruise – this reduces on a longer cruise.

Ventura has adopted many elements of sister ship Azura, including The Glasshouse fine wine and food paring casual dining area in place of the Las Ramblas tapas bar.

The domain of TV wine expert Olly Smith, the lay out The Glasshouse on Ventura seems to provide more space although the décor is essentially the same as when it carried a Spanish theme.

Here it’s possible to turn up and eat at an time between 11am and 11pm with the costliest meal being a rib eye surf and turf option charged at a supplement of £7.50 – far better value than my local village pub and much tastier. Three starter dishes such as cassoulet, tempura tiger prawns and salmon fishcakes costs just £5.25 while the wine prices are surprisingly reasonable for such a wide selection, with new additions from Spain, New Zealand and Japan.

Our weekend away happened to coincide with the Monaco grand prix but it didn’t mean missing any of the action as the race was screened live in one of the main bars.

Food and fun

The bars and buffet areas are open while the entertainment kicks in with live music on deck to coincide with the ‘sailaway’ at around 4.30pm. Then there’s a chat about activities in the various supervised children’s clubs, giving time to change in time for an informal supper ahead of a show in the main theatre.

The following night was designated as formal, allowing passengers to dress up in back tie and party frocks – something that the majority made a real effort to enjoy.

So what else is new on Ventura as part of the revamp ahead of the ship repositioning next summer to run fly-cruises in the Mediterranean and Caribbean voyages in winter?

The shops have noticeably improved with more designer brands available and an extended range of items in the gift shop. The ship is also wi fi-enabled but I could have done with more information about access and the charges involved.

Opening up the atrium as a dance floor with live music also helped with the dynamics of the ship and opened up another venue for entertainment.

Guinness, Carling and Magners cider have been added to the drinks selection and certainly seemed to be going down well.

I liked the fact that if you were not part of a big group, there was no compulsion to have to join in until the early hours. It was possible to turn in with my children to our cabin after the early sitting of the main show without any late night disturbance even though I knew there was adult karaoke, and two late night discos going on well past midnight.

The multi-million pound refurbishment of the superliner, which first entered service in 2008 after being named by Oscar winning actress Dame Helen Mirren, comes as P&O Cruises increases the availability of short cruises, similar to the one I took from Southampton.

I reckon these are a genuine hassle-free alterative to a European city break, not least due to the easy access to and from the ship and the fact that the enjoyment starts as soon as you board at around lunchtime on the first day.

Nothing is regimented on board, so if you want to spend time in the spa, gym or sauna you can do given that meals are available pretty much at any time through out the day, while seven of the 11 bars on board open from 12 noon are stay open until late.

If, for example, you’ve ever contemplated a London theatre break but have children that need to be looked after, then I’d recommend a short cruise of this nature as both ages ranges are amply catered for.

Phil Davies

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Poured a couple of snorts of rye in a dockside gin-mill the other day – one for me, the other for an old pal who had some beef with his skipper.

‘What’s eating you?’ I asked.

‘I love jazz,’ says the bell-bottom, ‘but the Old Man hates it. What a load of baloney.’

Then he went quiet. That was the hooch. The man was as fried as a cold egg on a hot barbecue.

‘Don’t clam up on me, fella,’ I says, shaking his head out of the ashtray. ‘You was just gettin’ to the meat of the potatoes. Spill it.’

High notes

‘Wassat?’ he muttered, shaking himself awake. I poured us both another snorter. For I love jazz too.

‘Now don’t get in a lather, man,’ I says. ‘I don’t understand why your Captain is against jazz when every cruise ship I have ever sailed on plays host to at least one jazz pianola player, and sometimes a full combo.’

He took a quick belt and dumped the empty glass on the table. ‘If you can cough up for more of that giggle water,’ he says, ‘I’ll tell you why.’

I hailed the barman and told him to get a wiggle on with a fresh bottle of rot-gut, which I proceeded to pour for the both of us.

‘Hoo boy!’ says the sailor, ‘I’m half seas over with all this booze washing around inside my gullet…’

‘If you get the shakes, maybe it’ll turn it all into a cocktail,’ I says, remembering the old days when I got the mumbo-jumbos just thinking of a night on the evil rum. And here I was again, on the toot to no-where’s-ville.

‘Maybe I should rustle a cup or two of Java, to keep us on a straight course,’ I muttered, to ease my conscience, and churning gut.

‘OK, man,’ he says, dispatching the contents of his glass in one swift gulp. Maybe-so’s you’re right.’

‘So what gives with the captain and the jazz?’

On a low level

‘This is a humdinger of a story,’ says the sailor, ‘and it’s on the level.’

‘Lower or upper deck?’

‘Huh?’

‘Never mind, just flap your lips and shoot the breeze, will ya, before the cows come home.’

‘The cap’n used to love jazz played in the ship’s bar until one dark moon some Salvationist spoiler told him it was the Devil’s Music. And being a good Christian and all that, he knocked the whole thing into a cocked hat. Now all we get between our ears is musak.’

‘Is that on the up and up? I asked him. ‘Or are you just feeding me a line for a drink?’

‘Everything’s Jake,’ he says, pouring himself a fresh slug of rye while I sipped the cup of steaming Joe to keep my head straighter than an Italian ship’s course.

‘OK, Man,’ I says. ‘Take Five.’

James Leavey

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