VirusHead

Bad Moon Rising

VirusHead — Sun, 03 Jun 2012 02:07:40 +0000

Huge moon in the sky. 97% full.

Day 12 of Quit Smoking Fest.

Status: Irritable, angry, feel like the cosmos – and a person here and there – is laughing at me, making this EVEN MORE DIFFICULT than it already is. One little passive-aggressive omission is enough to mess up my whole psyche right now. So FINE.

Yes – keeping to it, despite recurring themes of infuriation. In-fury. Harpies, valkyries, screeching ugliness inside.

Let go? Be angry? Be sad? Not even stable enough to decide.

Bad dreams – being chased, stealing a series of cars. One car had switches on the top of the dashboard for 32 speeds and a wheel tilted horizontal. Dreams on Chantix – vivid, hitting all the hot spots.

This bites. Hard.

Another week. In another week it will get easier.

Meanwhile – I’m not lovable. I’m a caged feline – with long, strong vicious claws. Keep away. Stay back. Leave me alone. Take off.

Every repetition, every hurt right now is likely to make me explode. I am unrepentant. I am flexible and I make way for others all the damn time. Right now I’m seething, and it doesn’t matter how damned stupid or inconsequential any of it is. Not one bit. Just – keep your damn distance.

I don’t have to be patient or kind or understanding or mature today. For today, I AM JUST NOT FAIR. Ok? Today, I don’t care about my carefully constructed edifice of contextual ethics based on empathy and compassion. Every day, like millions of other people, I face a world and a set of circumstances that isn’t fair. Nothing is fair. I’m never going to be that shining light upon the hill and I can’t fix a thing that’s wrong. So for today, I GIVE UP, already.

I only have an hour or so to be evil, and I’m staying home – and away from my husband and son.

We just watched “Man on a Ledge” and I was thinking it’s a good thing I can’t get any altitude tonight.

If all I can do is manage is not to have that cigarette I desperately, desperately want right now, that’s ALL I CAN DO.

I knew this would happen. I got through this far, through a couple of depressive swings, and a bunch of self-pity, and even one fairly self-destructive episode where I had to have been begging for some sort of psychological trauma even by entering the realm… and finally, all it takes is a simple little thing, a thing I should let pass, a thing that really doesn’t even matter – not really. I shouldn’t really even be surprised.

But that one little thing could be my undoing here. I just won’t let it. It doesn’t matter – I’ve gone through a hundred reloads today. I only have to get through a little while longer without a smoke.

Looking at the moon should help. But not tonight. Lasers and lightning bolts from my fingertips. Do you feel THAT, moon?

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Song of the Day: Sunday Morning Yellow Sky

VirusHead — Sat, 26 May 2012 14:42:52 +0000

Sunday Morning Yellow Sky by October Project

When the darkness falls like a curtain
And the night ahead is a long and uncertain dream
Beyond the loss and the hope of redemption

At the broken heart of the city
Where the hollow light of day never reaches in
A man can break down and fall into pieces
He will fall asleep like a baby
And the unforgiving arms of the cradle
Rock as hard as the face of the city pavement
Hide your eyes
Hide your eyes

He can see the face of a lover
In the lonely face of the angel above him
Carved into the stone that is changing around him
He can feel her breathing inside him
And the unforgiving visions deny him
Life can only be what a man can make it
Hide your eyes
Hide your eyes

Sunday morning
Yellow sky
The sun is floating diamond high
Hours passing
A baby cries
In the arms of someone you imagine
Close your eyes
This is your lullaby
Close your eyes
This is your lullaby

He can feel his skin like a prison
Like a dying cage he struggles to live inside
He tries to call out but nobody hears him
At the ragged edge of the silence
In the calm that only comes with the violent sleep
Inside the heart and the hope of redemption
Hide your eyes
Hide your eyes

In the heart of someone you imagine
Close your eyes
This is your lullaby
Close your eyes
This is your lullaby

Down, down, down
Would the fall never come to an end?
Wonder how many miles I’ve fallen
Must be somewhere near the centre of the earth
How funny it will seem to come out among the people
Who walk with their heads downwards
Down, down, down
Down, down, down
Would the fall never come to an end?

2008/06/30 -- Yellow Sky Over Atlanta (0)
2010/09/11 -- You tell me God is dancing in the rain (0)
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2008/10/25 -- Amendments on the Georgia Ballot (2)
2007/10/07 -- New Look for the Virushead Blog (5)
2007/07/16 -- More Fun Times in Santa Fe (1)
2007/06/17 -- Human Body Hacks (3)

Negativity Storm not to be taken seriously

VirusHead — Sat, 26 May 2012 01:17:42 +0000

The combination of nicotine withdrawal, chantix prescription medication, and the increased attention I’m spending to my own state of consciousness is all creating very strange thought-storms. I know that all of this will pass, and I know not to believe any of it or even to take it that seriously. This is where training in observing your own thoughts and emotions is very helpful.

Yes – I’m bracketing for my own protection, but there is no reason to spiral down as though any of this were real.

I imagine the voice as whispery – desperately calling me back.

“Smoke! Smoke! I’m your friend! You leave the room to be with ME! When you’re hungry, or angry or lonely or tired, here I am!!!”

Yes, there you are – HALT (thank you Bonnie) – so nom, nom, nom, stomp, stomp stomp, hug, hug, hug, nap-time.

“But with me, you feel like the dragon – wise and subtle. You are mildly transgressive by smoking, but not hurting anyone else. And it makes you feel—”

I know, I’ll miss that. A lot.

Then the voice is MY voice. I can’t reproduce the entire chant that got me home, but I fell into a sing-song negative rant. I tried to let the thoughts be spoken to help release them. Here’s a little sampling of what I remember – it was a constant stream…

(reee-me-owwwww, morphing into a deep double-sound chant, then) yah yah yah, nee nee, LAAAAAAA!

You don’t even know a thing
You don’t even know
ALL THAT WORK FOR NOTHING
IDIOT
NAH nah nah nah nah
Cuz I’m a girl, ain’t it
Blue collar RISING
SICK of it

SICK of HATE HATE HATE HATE
Sanctimonious self-righteous corrupt asshats!
Wadda ya think you’re gonna do about it?
YEAH, just be the crank, just be the crank

I shall wear purple? PURPLE?
Like royalty, like PRINCE?

What does it matter?
What’s the damn point?
Why do I even waste my time?
I don’t have the energy.
So tired, can’t do anything.

DO DO DO DO – la – DO DO DO
You are such a stupid little shithead
No imagination at all –
Dumb suburban undisciplined scatterbrain
Dumb dumb dumb dah dah dah dah DUMB

All that money wasted
All that reading just to be alienated
All that curiosity just to be faced with

COWS COWS COWS COWS
SHEEP SHEEP SHEEP SHEEP
PIGS PIGS PIGS PIGS

Yeah, yeah, FEM FEM FEM FEM
fem fem fem fem
fem fem fem fem FEM FEM fem fem

Everything’s a mess
People don’t really like me
I can’t keep my house clean
I have so much to do

I’m so TALENTED –
I’m so INTELLIGENT -
I’m such a waste of air.
WHY do I try?

I could give up like a ZEN MASTER
and back away and escape SUFFERING
and bathe in LOVE LOVE LOVE

But I hate those indoor voices
TOO DAMN soft! FAKE! FAKE!
Compassion! Yeah – TRYING! TRYING! TRYING ALREADY-YA!

Turn down the critic!
Turn down the intellectual!
You’re PUTTING US OFF…

OK – NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE
Then I can be WRITTEN OFF
Underestimated, then I’m
PERKY!
NICE NICE NICE NICE NICE

OH “YOUR” so SWEET!
Yeah? Well F*CK YOU!
I’m NOT SWEET!
I’m an ALIEN! A LEGAL Alien!

WEIRDO, different species.

Must be me.
Must be MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

So yeah, it took about 45 minutes to get home. It had been a trying day. The tears that followed restabilized me, and then I waved my arms up vaguely toward the clouds, as though some God(esses) would shoulder my dark side for me.

Still – the benevolent deities did do a nice thing. My son had lost his key in the bushes, leading to a series of issues and problems – but I got out of the car, walked over to the general area and walked right to the key and picked it up.

Key. Got it.

So – cravings are still pretty bad, but the morning is easier now. I’m irritable and agitated, can’t focus very well. Slightly nauseous, bloated. I got through the work week without any disasters.

I’m carried by the warmth of those who are supporting me in this and sending their hopes for my freedom. It matters – I’m not the stoic kind. I’m checking in with people I trust as an early warning system in case things need to be adjusted and I can’t see it. My mind is going places without me – but this too will pass.

2011/03/31 -- Upgrades: Electronic cigs, Garmin GPS, Kindle Stuff, Smile! (1)
2009/04/09 -- Kicking the Habit (7)
2004/07/04 -- Independence Day and Freedom (0)

Quitting

VirusHead — Tue, 22 May 2012 18:08:45 +0000

So – my third serious attempt to quit smoking started yesterday. Day 2 is awful.

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