My dissertation was on the figure of the virus in fiction. I suspected that we were long overdue for a new pandemic, and worried about the militarized uses as well. The end of the century came and went.

I was super careful. Stayed home. Took precautions. Watched the country go through a lot of insanity, and it’s not over yet.

But I had already been thinking about various sorts of the deaths, I was determined not to die of this virus.

Logically, I know that I have to go sometime, but each time I have gotten kissing distance from death, there was a simple refusing reason.

I can’t die *this* way.

I can’t die from my own stupidity, or as a result of the violent malevolence of others, because if there were an afterlife, I would never forgive myself. I can’t die from choking on a hot dog, because some people would never stop laughing about it. I can’t die from an ectopic pregnancy, because my little boy needs me to live. I can’t die of despair in this place, so I must leave.

And I can’t die of Covid-19 because I thought too much about viruses, and I have already paid far too many prices for to die of a virus, too. That would be some kind of cosmic joke of the worst sort.

I got married again in the year of the virus. So I snuggled in with my honey. I also seemed to have worked through some issues about which I had deep, painful feelings. So this last year, overall, was good for me. There were a few things that I wished could have been different, but I’m still alive, and protected to some extent. I still even have a hope that maybe the country will continue to move into a healthier zone (in so many ways). We can hope.

If you do not consent, do not enjoy, that is harassment and often assault. The harasser, the stalker, the abuser, the rapist, the murderer – they persist despite (and often because of) resistance and lack of consent. They don’t take “no” for an answer. They are wielding power aggressively to intimidate you because they think they can. They are not paying attention to you as a full human being, but only to their own internal dynamics. You are then just an object, not another person with their own boundaries and thoughts and feelings and rights.

Mutual seduction is NOT that. Flirting is NOT that. An expression of interest, or even a sexual advance, is NOT that, in most cases, unless it creates a fearful toxic situation where you are somehow trapped. If you move away, or say “hey” or “no thanks” and they still won’t leave you alone – and the culture supports that in thousands of ways – then that is what is being addressed by “me, too.”

Awareness is a small step, easily rationalized, denied, and rejected.
With awareness, pay attention.
With growth, discard previous assumptions and construct better questions.
With better understanding, understand and disrupt toxic behavior.
With more insight, communicate to others when you see similiar inappropriate behavior and structures (whenever you can).
Navigate as best you can with what you know, and hold yourself accountable in the mirror.
Know thyself, and listen to others.
Know your friends, family and tribes.
Name what you know, in the active tense.

Ask more questions.

See where toxic things structurally and institutionally intersect.

Find allies. Be an ally.

The way forward is like this.

Thanks for the readers who have continued to read posts while I have been on a rest from it.