Visions of the World

Jóhann

2008-07-23T21:01:00.002-04:00

Looking for Johann Valdimarsson. Not the opera singer.

Math Professors and Train Rides

2008-07-22T21:54:00.003-04:00

I can't leave, even though I try. I wanted to take a vow of silence. Not really, but on the Internet. Like Meher Baba. I was planning on leaving the Internet for a while to do other things, like read books or go back to problem-solving so that I can quit obsessing on spirituality. But for some reason I am so drawn to this digital world. If I were to leave, I'd feel disconnected. This place is where I'm with others. Maybe when/if I find God I won't have a need for others to fill my lonely emptiness. I'll be able to fill it on my own.

There is too much information on the Internet and I feel like my brain has experienced overload. I don't know what is right or what is wrong. There's thousands of web pages about spirituality and I'm afraid that if I read them all, I'll be intellectualizing something as opposed to realizing it on my own. How do we know when we know something because we've read about it or we know something because we feel it?
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I thought I'd share a little true story with you. I was talking about one of my endearing math professors in a newsgroup a while ago. I remembered something funny today that made me smile. He was giving us a test, and there was one problem I didn't know how to answer. He always gave points for at least attempting problems. The problem was, I didn't even know how to begin, so I just wrote down my checking account number in the space provided for the proof. When I got the test back, he had given me a couple points for the problem. I still have it somewhere. If I remember correctly, he had put a red exclamation mark on the problem.
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I'll be going on vacation this Saturday, July 26 and will be coming back Thursday, July 31. I'll be flying to Chicago and will catch an Amtrak train to Glacier National Park in Montana. It will take 29 hours on the train one way, so that means I'll be sleeping and showering on a train. Weird!

Need a U-Hual Truck for the Blog

2008-07-22T15:00:00.003-04:00

I'm sorry I turned off the blog for a few days.

I think I'm going to go back to my old blog.

I was more on track there.

I've found my balance again.

Hey Bee

2008-07-19T13:49:00.001-04:00

One, two, three, four, five
I see the bee in the hive
And on the flower

It's Not an Escape

2008-07-18T23:55:00.001-04:00

Alcohol does not take away pain.

It causes headaches instead.

To Christi

2008-07-18T20:18:00.002-04:00

I never did thank you for the great time I had with you this week at lunch. I am still so very happy that there is someone here, close to where I live, that I get along with so naturally. I feel so much at ease when we are together. I've worked with women my age for six years at the same job and never felt that ease, even though they sat in the cubicle right beside me! Even the one remaining friend I have from college doesn't make me feel as comfortable as you make me feel.

You are a very beautiful woman whose smile lights up the entire restaurant (or bowling alley!). Your kindness and friendship mean a lot to me.

In five days you'll have your baby. That is, if things are on time. After you and Baby get some bonding time in, I want to start spending more time with you. I'm ready for that. I'm happy to be a part of your life during this special time. I wish you, your husband and children the best during this time, and always.

Thanks for being my friend. If you ever need anything, always feel free to ask.

I love you! *hugs*

Fall Down? Get Back Up!

2008-07-18T20:02:00.003-04:00

A friend sent me a book in the mail. I opened it tonight to a random page. This is what I read:

"Once the exaltation has lapsed, I am reduced to the simplest philosophy; that of endurance (the natural dimension of real fatigues). I suffer without adjustment, I persist without intensity; always bewildered, never discouraged; I am a Daruma doll, a legless toy endlessly poked and pushed, but finally regaining its balance, assured by an inner balancing pin (But what is my balancing pin? The force of love?). This is what we are told by a folk poem which accompanies these Japanese dolls:

Such is life
Falling over seven times
And getting up eight."

~Roland Barthes, _A Lover's Discourse: Fragments_

Fractal Flower

2008-07-18T18:38:00.000-04:00

Flower Power

In the Pink

2008-07-18T18:32:00.001-04:00

She has thorns.

Dream Date July 14, 15 or 16

2008-07-18T15:49:00.002-04:00

I can't remember exactly which date. I don't know why I bother repeating this recurring dream over and over again in my dream journal. I don't have my homework done for math class and I'm in a panic.

Second dream:

I'm in an orchestra, and on the stage. I realize that I've sat down on stage and have forgotten my flute. I feel panic (yet again).

Dream Date July 10, 2008

2008-07-10T10:22:00.000-04:00

I was sitting on the floor looking up at my old best friend from high school; she was sitting on the couch. We were saying to each other that it would make us feel young again to be as immature as we once were together.

Later I'm in a kitchen. There is something on top of the fridge that emits some type of scented mist, except this misty bubble sort of hangs around the air like a ghost - it just floats -, and the jar it emits from has some sort of tiny moving piece of metal that changes shapes all on its own, without any electricity or anything.

I notice the water in the sink is running, so I turn it off.

My mom's ex boyfriend, who was like a second father to me growing up, sprayed my face with water from a hose in the kitchen. He startled me, as I wasn't expecting to see him.

Emotional Security Found in Old Books

2008-07-10T00:03:00.003-04:00

I'm reading _Persuasion_ by Jane Austen.

If I have nothing else, I have my books. I am safe there, within the pages. And moments of the day go by, where I'm imagining in my head what the characters look like, what they're thinking. I replay mental visions in my head of the events of the chapters, even while I'm stopped at a stoplight.

For J.

2008-07-09T21:57:00.004-04:00

J.,

Remember September 17, 2005, the day we met?

I was so busy with trying to get the world to pay attention to me and you were there the whole time, right by my side, giving me your full attention, but I took it for granted.

Remember the tempest? It was me, being foolish, but you didn't run away.

I was self-absorbed. Now, almost three years later, I'd like to know, when is your birthday? I've missed it for three years now, but I am going to try to remember every year from now on.

I realize now that you know me better than anyone else online, and that I trust you more than anyone online. It took me a while to realize that.

I think you are a beautiful person. You see more to reality than most people. You even see and speak with God.

J., you are my hero, my teacher and my friend. Thanks for being there, no matter what, no matter when.

Love,

Sophia

Anyone Else?

2008-07-06T01:40:00.001-04:00

I'd like to know if this happens to anyone else:

I have just been bombarded with synchronicities.

I'm going to bed. Goodnight!

Finding My Lost Roots and Another Forgotten Dream from July 5, 2008

2008-07-05T14:58:00.002-04:00

I am very excited today. When I went to the mailbox there was a package with my name on it. It's so rare that I get REAL mail. It's from my great uncle, of who I know so little about. He lives less than an hour away yet I've only met him once when I was a child, so I do not remember him. I had sent a letter to him last week asking for some information about my grandmother, who died a couple years ago in a mental asylum. I have never met her, but for years I've wanted to know more about her. Sometimes I feel sad that I never had the chance to know her, but she wouldn't have been able to talk to me or notice me anyway, as she was catatonic from schizophrenia.

Anyway, for years my family tree and genealogy project have been incomplete without information from the paternal side of my family. I didn't have any names or anything with which to find more information. I've always wanted to know who I am, who my grandparents are or great grandparents, where they came from and so much more. I'll never be able to find out who my grandfather is, though. As far as I know, he was a bad man and it's best not to say more about that on this blog.

I found out that my great grandmother arrived here from Germany and didn't speak any English. That's all I know at this time, but I'm going to join some genealogy web sites to see if I can get any more information. I so badly want to know who my family is!

I also asked my uncle to tell me more about my grandmother. I want a piece of her history and life story so deeply. That's how I'll know her, even if I never met her. I can love her with what I have now, a black and white photograph of her and no tales about her. In his letter, my uncle promised to send me more information about my grandmother. I hope he does not forget. I want to know all about her.

The rest of the contents of the package were religious materials and information about vegetarianism. My great uncle is 69 and he and his wife are Seventh Day Adventists. They are also vegetarians and are into holistic medicines. I'm going to make an effort to get to know them better. It's never too late.

And on to another subject.... I was driving to the grocery store today when I remembered a fourth dream from last night. In real life, my dad had surgery just a few days ago to have his gallbladder taken out. Even though I've called him numerous times every day since his surgery, I have not been to visit him. In the dream, my dad called my husband and asked him, "Is Sophia all right?" He was asking because he was wondering why I hadn't been to visit him. This dream was trying to tell me that I need to visit my dad. So, I've made plans to go see him tomorrow, and when I go, I'll bring the package that my uncle sent me because I know he'd be interested in seeing it, too.

What a glorious day it has been! It's perfect. There's a smile in the sky and a smile on my face. Yay for sunshine and happiness.

Bye for now!