Visual, Verbal and Nonverbal Communication

Insensitive-Inconsiderate-Down Right Thoughtless

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 15:55:00 +0000

Rarely does poor communication cause outrage. But last week I received the ANNOUNCEMENT below via email.

XYZ COMPANY
CORPORATE OFFICE

DEATH NOTICE

DATE

We are sorry to announce the death of Sam Jones, Age 22, son of Fred Jones, Vice President, Finance. He is survived by his parents, Fred and Sally, and three sisters, Mary, Jane and Cindy.

Visitation will be held on DATE from TIMES with a memorial service to follow at 7:00 p.m. at:
LOCATION
ADDRESS

Interment will be private.

The family has requested that in lieu of flowers donations be made to:
NAME
ADDRESS

The Jones Family thanks everyone for their kind thoughts and prayers.

Signed,
Mr. CEO

The names are changed to protect the innocent…and the guilty. If you ever needed an example of poor, no, worse than poor, offensive corporate communication, this is it. There are so many communication don’ts; it is difficult to know where to begin. Most of you are probably already aghast and I need write no more. However, for the few who are not seeing the obvious, I continue. Additionally, anyone who works for a company that would communicate such a sensitive matter in this manner should print this blog and tender it to your CEO.

Most importantly we do not ‘announce’ a person’s death. We inform or tell or let you know or notify or make you aware. Just a brief peek at your online Thesaurus will present a myriad of words to work with. This posting has no offer of condolences to the family, friends or coworkers except one ‘sorry’ which is used as an adjective to modify the verb ‘are’ which modifies the verb ‘announce’. So apparently what they are sorry about is the ‘announcement’? It is just plain cold. No personal thought or effort went into this ‘announcement’.

How did this happen? One, it is the way it has always been done. The corporate headquarters says cavalierly, it has been “company policy for 40 years!” which means that no one on the team is thinking about how to communicate a ‘death notice’? Two, no one is thinking about it because it does not affect the company EBITDA. Three, there will be little or no honest feedback from the several hundred employees who will view the death notice on their email or the break room bulletin board because in a day or two it won’t matter. Four, most people will view it as cold, or neutral at best. Because they are not trained in subtleties of communication, it won’t feel right, but they will not be able to explain why.

From the company’s perspective, this is a missed opportunity to show that it has a caring side to it. In this particular case, the tragic death of the 22-year-old son of a long-time executive employee, known personally to the CEO (signee of the ANNOUNCEMENT) leaves the communication rife with possibilities. But, let’s for learning sake, say it is a line worker who no one but a handful of coworkers knew personally. It is still bewildering that this would be how a company would want its character to show up. Let’s write a possible replacement for this less than gracious posting. And maybe before ‘Fred’ comes back to work next week someone will have the decency to re-post or at least tear down the one on the lunchroom wall.

NOTICE OF ZMF EMPLOYEE FAMILY DEATH

This week, ZMF team member, Vice President of Finance, Fred Jones lost his 22-year-old son, Sam Jones, to a fatal accident. We at ZMF send our thoughts and/or prayers to Fred, his wife Sally and Sam’s sisters Mary, Jane and Cindy.

Fred will be out for the next few days tending to his family. Messages can be left for Fred on his email, F@zmf.com or on his company voice mail, extension 123.

Visitation for Sam will be held…. Etc.

This took me about five minutes or less. It could be better and it could be tailored to the specific personality of the company. “Forty years” of refinement should turn out a perfect piece. In today’s economy and political climate where the average person is looking at corporate America with a jaundiced eye to begin with, one would believe that CEOs would care more about visible compassion. It may be a challenge to appear genuinely empathetic in communication surrounding a layoff or plant closing but this…come on suits!

Body Language in the Press

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 20:44:00 +0000

Normally, when a ZMFer is quoted in the news, its published in the section reserved for "In the News". Today, we are breaking that rule for an article I was quoted in called "Body Language Decoded"- right on target for a blog about communication. Published on Forbes.com, the article does a great job of explaining how important nonverbal behaviors are in conveying your message to your audience. I love the specific examples and practical suggestions for improvement.

The Five “Es” of PowerPoint

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 19:10:00 +0000

For years now some people have been trying to tell other people how to use and how not to use PowerPoint (a particularly funny one, here). There are books, articles, videos, presentations, blogs and now there are even experts on Twitter (if your tweeting, follow me at @tzagnoli or our firm at @ZMF_LLC).

What is it that prevents us from heeding the advice that has been heaped upon us for over a decade now? My hypothesis is that we are confused, lazy, stubborn and cannot give up on three erroneous beliefs that we hold as truths.

1) “my content is different and it is impossible to make it interesting”
2) “my content is complex and it is impossible to simplify it”
3) “stop lights are red, money is green, yellow means warning, blue is for trust, purple is royal………”

No matter who you are or what you are presenting, your PowerPoint should uphold the five “Es”:

Entertain
Energize
Emphasize
Explain
Evoke

Entertain. Every presentation needs a laugh or some eye candy to move it along. Audiences crave entertainment. With the internet it is easy to find video, photographs, cartoons and quotes that will give your audience a good chuckle. When members of an audience respond audibly, they become more involved in what you are saying. An involved audience makes your job easier. While finding entertaining material is a simple matter of searching, it does take time. Lots of it. Starting the night before your presentation limits your resources. Even if your content won’t be finished until hours (or minutes) before you take the stage, put your creative cap on long before. Make a library for yourself of visuals that might work in the future. You will surprise yourself how entertained you are as you build your treasure chest of wit. Here is one of my favorites.
Energize. Energy is the key component of dynamism and dynamism is central to credibility. Credibility is the foundation for everything you present. If people aren’t buying what you are selling, sit down. The phrase “short bursts of energy” explains it best. Your goal is to create a slide show that delivers short bursts of energy. One word on a slide will do this. So will a song, a sound, a photo or a lively animation.

Emphasize. Bigger is not necessarily the answer. Red is not the solution. Repetition works some of the time. Redundancy isn’t it. It is important to give emphasis where emphasis is due. The technique for PowerPoint is similar to that of good speaking skills when you are distinguishing the filler, from the point, from the really important point. Your voice and your body are your tools. When you want to cue the audience that you are saying something of particular importance, you might move to a different place on the stage. Or your voice changes rate of speech, rhythm, volume, etc. You can give the same types of indication with slides. Change the background, font style, or positioning of content on the page. Use a series of transitions to go quickly or more slowly through a set of related images. The main objective when wanting to show emphasis is to change it up. Help your audience know the weight of the moment.

Explain. Now here comes the challenge. And the most frequently cited excuse for not breaking poor communication habits. Use your visual images to explain and teach what you are talking about. It can be done! No matter your content. And if you don’t believe me, or even if you do, take a field trip to the nearest science museum. Watch the videos or slide shows that have been made for children to explain how life began, or spaceships fly or electricity moves. Explaining something by showing it takes more work than just tossing out the words. A few easy fixes to get you started:

- Use visual metaphors. Instead of showing a balance sheet, or even a pie chart, show a picture of the Trump Tower next to the Wrigley Building to explain the comparison of your sales to the competitors. Or take a digital photo of an orange and a tangerine to show shrinking market share. Or if your CEO has a sense of humor, a grape and a raisin.

- Instead of just highlighting an important line of numbers, enlarge it and overlay on the original type. You will not lose the context and the audience will not have to sort through all the chatter on the page.

- Take the axes off your bar or line graphs.

- Instead of using the headings from a complicated financial table, label the enlarged numbers you want to be explained.
Evoke. The last “E” works double duty. First, the goal is to evoke a response from your audience. They should be reacting intellectually and emotionally to what is being shown. The visual is trying to provoke the audience into thinking about what you are saying. Second, you want to evoke a memory as to what you are supposed to be addressing at that moment. Slides should not be lists of bullets or pages of text that serve as your cheat sheet. But if you know what you are going to say, a clever visual reminder is a great way to work without notes.

Share your thoughts on the Five Es. Do you have a success story using one of the Es?

Graphic examples from:
- USA Today Snapshots
- Award-winning and most frequently downloaded SlideShare presentations (Thirst and Shift Happens)
- Presentation Zen

Be Careful What You Hear

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 20:17:00 +0000

Another guest post from another talented ZMF colleague - enjoy! Talk soon, TZ

Effective communication relies not only on good listening, pronunciation of words, and reading nonverbal signals; it also requires awareness of assumptions that exist among us. Factoring in subconscious stereotypes and effective communication can get a little tricky. What made me think of this was a recent encounter I had while walking my dog.

So, I was walking my dog, and another guy was walking his, and as many city dwellers would not be surprised to learn, the two dogs sniffed each other and I engaged in small chit chat with the other dog's owner. Then a third guy was walking past us, without a dog, and seemed to have an important message to relay.

He approached both of us, sounding not frantic but concerned about danger lurking. He said what sounded like, "Watch out across the street over there (he pointed) because there's black guys." The guy I was talking to and I were dumfounded. I know racism still exists in society but I could not believe this guy (by the way we were all white, except for the other dog owner's dog), in downtown Chicago, would find it alarming there were black men walking the streets, let alone feel the urge to warn others about this. I sought clarification. Again he said, "Be careful if you walk in that direction there's some black guys. Stay away." This couldn't be. Just as I was about to ask him where he was from to try and get a sense of why he was petrified of black guys, and enable me to warm up to my lecture on the stupidity and ugliness of his comments, he said it again but this time his nonverbals suggested he was saying something else. As he pointed to the ground, and made a gesture showing what could happen on an unsteady surface, he said, "The black ice is really bad." Plus, he said it in singular form which made me realize he was talking about black ice. Ah, black ice! The ice without air bubbles that makes it transparent and hence taking the color of the material it lies on top of – often wet asphalt.

After realizing he was being helpful and not ignorantly hurtful, I thanked him and did not walk over in the direction he said contained black ice.

Thinking about it all I was struck by the misperception both of us dog owners had about what the third man was trying to warn us about. Was there a larger collective unconscious at work creating stereotypical (negative societal stereotypes about urban black men being dangerous) images out of what was a warning of danger? Or, did the third man just have poor pronunciation, which led to such a bad misunderstanding? Or both? Would his message have been interpreted differently if he were black? Or a woman? How does the "who" involved in communication interact with "what" is being said, heard and interpreted? The other guy with the dog also heard “black guys.” So, was it simply the way he said it that led us to think he was talking about black guys? Is there some unhidden stereotype of black guys that is evoked when a stranger comes up on the street and has a message of foreboding danger?

Listening is important and being aware of biases is too. I conclude that many times during daily interactions that consist of listening it is imperative to “check in” with those you are communicating with. Thinking through what you are hearing, and weighing it against nonverbal language, facts, etc., is key to not making rash judgments. I initially thought this guy was ignorant at best and racist at worst, so what if I hadn’t waited and decided to immediately confront his "racism?” That would have been a useless exercise and made me appear as if I was blindly looking for racism where it didn’t exist. So with that I say not only listen carefully but make sure there is some oversight to your listening by thinking about unchecked assumptions. Oh, and watch out for the black ice!

Alan Tuerkheimer, M.A., J.D. utilizes his background in psychology and law as a litigation consultant for ZMF. His experience conducting jury research has given him an in-depth understanding of people’s attitudes, biases and decision-making processes. He is highly sought-after due to his ability to deliver solutions that bridge the communication gap between trial team and jury. Alan earned his J.D. from the University of Wisconsin Law School and completed his graduate and undergraduate work in Psychology from Connecticut College and University of Wisconsin, respectively.

Nonverbal Intelligence

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Wed, 13 May 2009 19:39:00 +0000

There is liking what you do and then there is having the nonverbal intelligence to show it.Michelle Obama's popularity is on the rise. How is that happening? One trait is her ability to demonstrate that she is enjoying the different life roles she has committed to. Her big smile, open posture, easy movement, eye contact, and touch all send messages to the world that say, I like being First Lady, being a mom is cool, life is good as Barack's wife. My guess is that she presets herself very much the same way as a lawyer, hostess and carpool organizer. To appear unburdened by life is an attractive trait. It is an especially useful nonverbal strategy if much of your contact with people is them observing you. Consider your day. How many people at work do you interact with verbally compared to those who you just walk by or those who see you sitting at your desk. What conclusion do others draw from your nonverbal behavior?

Have You Got a Case of the Blahs?

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Fri, 01 May 2009 16:42:00 +0000

Please don't blah blah blah. Instead, finish your sentence or thought. It will be more effective and I will personally appreciate it. Is there a grammatically correct way to use blah blah blah? On email or texting probably. When speaking, rarely. Nonetheless, using it as a crutch because of a lazy brain or small vocabulary makes a speaker sound flip and just plain boring. When is flip appropriate? And why strive for boring? By depending on the blah to fill in for real language, you weaken your point. If it is a verbal habit of yours, keep it in check. People will find you more interesting.

Eyes Wide Shut

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 18:46:00 +0000

Welcome my partner and fellow communication guru Beth Foley as our guest blogger this week. Watch Beth's recent interview with a Chicago news station on image perception and Blagojevich's run at reality television by clicking here.

We all need to be aware of our image. Especially if we know people are watching us. This makes former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s behavior especially odd. In a few short months, a jury will be judging his character, his judgment and his motives. I suspect Mr. Blagojevich thinks that people really like him and when they hear the truth they will see how unfairly he has been treated. Probably because he seems to really like himself an awful lot and he has had good luck persuading people in the past.

You may recall from previous blogs, we are only about 50% right in knowing our own image. So, I recommend that Mr. Blagojevich’s “handlers” conduct a survey of Chicago residents to find out, from potential jurors, just exactly what his image really is because he obviously isn’t listening to feedback. I think a twice-elected governor would pay attention to “polling” results, right? He needs to stop trusting his own instincts about what he feels he’s communicating and get some facts. Then, he can start working round the clock to salvage his image or he can continue on the same path at his own peril. It’s kind of like a pilot who is veering off course in the dark: trust the instrument panel, not your gut.

I would just like the former governor to get a dose of reality, and I don’t mean reality TV.

The Likeability Factor

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 21:39:00 +0000

It’s a well-known effect and it happens everywhere, regularly. You surround yourself with those you like. Coming off the biggest election in history, political pundits everywhere were talking about the “likeability factor.” In fact, you may have heard in the New Hampshire primary debate, when Senator Clinton was asked, “What can you say to the voters of New Hampshire who…are hesitating on the likeability issue?” Rather than furthering a discussion on health care, the economy or the war in Iraq, the moderator chose to ask a question about likeability. Why?

According to Gallup’s “Personality Factor Poll,” it turns out that, in politics, the single best determination of electability is likeability (and height – but that is for another post entirely). Not knowledge, not experience, not the candidate’s position on a specific issue – likeability. The likeability factor is a topic that could and should be paralleled to the everyday world. If you are willing to elect the leader of a country based on whether you like them (or not), shouldn’t working for, with and around people you like, be equally as important. Many CEOs and senior management should be grateful they are not elected by their constituents as many would likely end up with Kerry or McCain, at the bottom on the likeability heap.

When a new client recently hired us to help them improve their communication style in the real estate world, the conversation quickly turned to likeability. In their words ‘our business is about being likeable. You get business because decision makers choose to work with those they like and people refer business to those they like.’

In simple terms, if you visit a restaurant and eat food you don’t like, do you return again? Likely – no. You’ll just eat dinner at the restaurant down the street and look for a better dining experience. Not surprisingly, research reveals that people respond positively to those they like. Some studies suggest that in more than 80% of buying situations, an individual’s likeability was responsible for the decision-maker’s determination of who earns their business.

Those who are likeable regularly smile, laugh, show authentic concern for others and utilize eye contact to help convey their message and research says they are rewarded for their efforts. Likeable people are more successful, get elected, promoted or rewarded more often, make more money and get better service from all service providers.

I want to hear from you. What is your most important factor when selecting your hairdresser, your doctor or your babysitter – the person’s likeability or their knowledge? Would you ever go to a hairdresser/barber or doctor if you didn’t like them? Have you ever hired someone you didn’t like? If so, what drove you to work with them rather than hiring someone equally qualified?

Kristin Fitzgerald has been a part of the communication consulting team at ZMF since 1999. In her ten years with ZMF, Kristin has worked in both the research and multimedia departments to provide persuasive techniques to improve communication. Kristin has worked closely with clients on the development of intranets, newsletters design and to provide flexible communication solutions oriented to their audience.

Say Cheese! The Science of Smiling

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 22:53:00 +0000

When is the last time you used orbitofrontal cortex in a sentence? I thought so.

We love smiling babies. The first smile gets a note in the baby book as a sign of development. We like to make our kids smile which has prompted millions of moms to chant “turn that frown upside down.” We have been told to smile while on the phone to sound friendlier. Strangers have been known to approach a frowner telling them to smile as if that will pay off their past due light bill. And now science is telling us that they have discovered that the reason we are so enamored by the smile is physical and not just social conditioning. More evidence that this smiling craze is not going away.

Not that I wasn’t convinced before seeing the words orbitofrontal cortex in print, but I am once again reminded to smile. So, let’s help each other become more memorable. I am a frowner. Not because I like to frown but because I have what my dad called the “Prouse pout.” (That would be my mother’s maiden name. There were no negative traits from his side of course.) So anything less than pure joy or a forced tightening of my cheeks leaves me looking like I would rather bite you than talk to you.

How do you remember to smile? What tricks do you have that you can share? Can you fake smile and be convincing? When do you find it the most difficult to smile?

Conquering Stage Fright

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:04:00 +0000

zBlog Readers: Looking around our offices, I thought it was high time that I share the knowledge of other ZMF consultants with my readers. This year, I am expanding the blog to include their insights and experiences in visual, verbal and nonverbal communication. Starting today and throughout the next several months, you will see their posts interspersed with mine. I'll be responding to your comments as always and look forward to hearing from you soon.
All my Best, Theresa

President Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear of public speaking.” So, he didn’t actually say that, but the torment the average person feels in anticipation of standing alone before an audience can be overwhelming. You’ve seen the lists ranking public speaking as our biggest fear, ranking ahead of death. It prompted Jerry Seinfeld to say, that means, the average person at a funeral would rather be in the casket than give the eulogy.

Why do most of us dread getting up in front of an audience? Because we’re afraid we’ll screw up, forget what we were going to say, trip on our high heels stepping up to the podium or leave our fly open. I’ve done all three. We are afraid we will sound funny or look funny – any number of fears. Notice how many derivations of “we” and “our” were in the previous two sentences? There were seven. That’s the problem. Fear is generated by your self-consciousness, which is defined as being “intensely aware of oneself.” Talk about an ego trip. You know what? People don’t care if you’re nervous. It’s not about you.

To be an effective presenter you must get the focus off yourself. Why are people more outgoing and talkative after they’ve had a few drinks? Because their inhibitions are reduced, if not eliminated. Having a few drinks before a speech is distinctly not recommended. You don’t want to be too uninhibited. Following these steps will help get you in the frame of mind to be the best presenter you can be.

PREPARE: If you’re not prepared all the techniques in the world won’t help. Either write out or make a detailed outline of your entire presentation and practice it. Videotape your rehearsal so you can watch how you come across, most of us are mistaken about how we come across.
VOCAL & FACIAL EXERCISES: It is important to loosen up before you perform. You can find a variety of exercises on the Internet, such as exaggerated facial expressions and vowel sounds and recitation of sayings such as, “Sheep shears should be sharp.” Susan Berkley has a helpful two-minute warm-up.

IMAGING: This helps get the focus off you and onto the audience. As you wait to be introduced look at the audience and intently imagine what you want them to DO, not what to think or what to feel, but what to DO. You may want them to give you a standing ovation, or get out their checkbooks or text their colleagues about how important it is for them to have what you are selling. You give yourself a goal to keep in mind, which alleviates your nervousness.

GESTURE: You will have nervous energy. Rather than fidget or play with your wedding ring use that energy in a positive way. This is done by allowing yourself to gesture. It’s very simple. Just keep your hands apart and out of your pockets. Try not to hold onto anything or have your hands folded. You will normally and unconsciously begin to use your hands.

SILENCING: This accomplishes so many things. It is vocal punctuation. It’s a segue from one topic to another. It builds anticipation. It gives you a chance to breathe. When you practice, pause longer than you think you should.

If you follow these steps, the veil of your nervousness will be lifted and the audience will be able to learn what you are there to teach them.

Bill Grimes is a communication professional with more than thirty years of experience, the last eighteen of which have been at ZMF. His expertise as a communication consultant is built upon more than fifteen years as a broadcast journalist. Bill is frequently invited to speak about persuasive communication, media training and media crisis management.

(Photo by Victor Jeg at http://www.flickr.com/photos/28405532@N02/2814951286/; license details there.)

HOPE IS NOT A STRATEGY – OR IS IT?

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 15:45:00 +0000

One time during a leadership retreat I berated the group for suggesting the word ‘hope’ be integrated in the message we were sending to our employees that year. I firmly asserted that ‘hope’ was not a strategy and that it inspired no one.

Enter Barack Obama.

President Obama may be the best straight out communicator, we the public, have seen in a long time. Much effort will be given to dissect his ability in this area and even more time will be spent comparing him to MLK, the Kennedys, Cicero and Ronald Reagan among others.

So what does my aversion to hope as a strategy have to do with Barack Obama’s rhetoric skills you ask? I HOPE that instead of revering him for his communication prowess that the young and old will strive to do something about their own skill set. I am buoyed by the masses waking up the morning after the inauguration with good intentions of volunteering, giving money and becoming community activists. However, those same people still need to get jobs, make friends, find/keep mates, raise children, influence coworkers, acquire bank loans and so on and so on and so on.

Barack Obama is smart, kind, devoted, driven, and a host of other positive adjectives that could describe countless other people in this country. Why does he stand out above so many others? Because he has the ability to demonstrate those qualities to the people around him. Because he can COMMUNICATE.

I HOPE that after stopping to feed the dogs at the no kill shelter, dropping off coats for the kids who can’t keep warm, feeding the homeless and marching for justice that people stop long enough to understand that if they do all that AND learn how to interact with others there would be no place they could not take their lives.

Example: I know a woman who is in her mid 50s. She is just like you and me except for one thing. Eight out of ten topics that are brought up in conversation end up with her talking about her and the rest of us trying to find a way out of the room before we scream ‘this is not about you’. Someone may be telling her about a person they are having trouble with at work or a recent diagnosis of a serious disease. To make her way into the conversation, instead of showing empathy or asking questions, she goes back to herself.

When I was in the hospital…
When I worked with him…
When my mom had cancer…

Forget for a moment the why. We will leave that to the psychologists. If she would just pick up a book one day or take a class on interpersonal communication or have herself videotaped, she would be able to change a bad habit that is preventing people from wanting to spend time with her. This is only one small example of hundreds of possible communication blunders.

I hope, I hope, I hope that anyone who is having a difficult time in life right now takes all the advice they are getting from all the other sources and then looks hard at the way they are communicating with their friends, kids, colleagues, clients, customers, employees. I am confident there are changes to be made.

The Proper Handshake Lesson

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 17:45:00 +0000

Why oh why does anyone over the age of five still need to be told how to shake a hand? In our house, the proper handshake lesson comes before the one about sneezing into your arm to avoid spreading germs. Although sneezing that way can make for a messy sleeve, it then becomes more of an issue than a few germs on your hand. Anyway, back to the handshake issue. How hard is it to get this right? Extend your hand, firmly grasp the hand extended to you, pause for a moment, pump, throw in a smile and some eye contact and the deal is done.

So what is it that continues to elude otherwise average people from presenting a less than average greeting. I have it boiled down to three things. First and most debilitating is a lack of confidence, second you just don’t care, and third you are already on your way to somewhere else (literally or metaphorically) before hand-to-hand contact is made. Lest you or someone you know falls into one of these three categories, look for any of these signs and try to pull yourself or them out of a bad habit. You might as well get something from your handshake. Why take on all those germs for nothing? Save those for sneezing into your sleeve.

Standing too far away. If you are a little off balance or feeling a stretch in your right glut, then move in a little. I am not suggesting you trade Tic Tacs – just get inside the bubble. If your arm is fully or even mostly extended, you are too far away. You might as well wave.

Physically moving away while still grasping hands. Come on, you know you have had this happen to you. Or have you been the one? Usually the head goes first, then the body attached to the arm, which is attached to the hand follows. No matter how it happens the person on the receiving end is left feeling unimportant and even insulted as in ‘why bother’.
Eye contact so fleeting that it might just be a twitch. If you are a sixteen-year-old boy, this might be understood. But not before or after that age.
The wimpy boy, girl, man or woman. There is nothing left to be said on this subject. Just do it.
The vice grip. See lesson above.

Now back to my original observation that bad handshakes are still all over the place. Do yourself a favor. Get up from your computer right now. Go shake someone’s hand and ask them to rate you on a 1–5, with 5 being the best. Then walk around and tell other people you are rating them on the same 1–5 scale. Let’s start a movement to fix the handshakes of the world. Okay, so not the world but maybe just your block.

Food Communicates Love

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 22:39:00 +0000

Or at least it does in an Italian family. If you aspire to anorexia, stop here, read no further; this bit of insight won’t help you. But, if you are willing to put on a few pounds yourself, feed your clients or your friends, then join me in discussing the standard communiqué of “what do you want to eat?”

The question about food in my home, my parents’ home, my grandparents’ home and likely their parents’ home is never “are you hungry” or “would you like something to eat.” It is simply “what do you want” or if you were unfamiliar with the offerings of the day, the food might just appear in front of you. Presenting people in your home with offerings of food and drink make a variety of statements.

Don’t leave. It says stay awhile. Even if you do not accept the offering, the message is clear to you that you are welcome.

We enjoy company. Unless you have a butler, the flurry that accompanies providing delicacies from the kitchen generates conversation, smiles and stories. It says “come on in, we are happy you are here.”

You are special. This is true even if you know that everyone gets the same treatment.
'Be comfortable. Picking or sipping gives a guest something to do while everyone settles in.

There really is nothing worse than sitting or standing in someone’s home for any longer than 20 minutes without the gift of love being put forth. Even in my office, our talented and generous Diane, serves up homemade banana bread, bowls of buttery popcorn and sodas all around…whether anyone asks for them or not. Because, it is not about whether your guest wants or needs bread and water, it is about you sending a message.

So dish it up. All in the name of communication excellence. And of course love.

Words To Live By: Suffer For Beauty

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 18:24:00 +0000

Let's get started analyzing how my parents 'words to live by' relate to excellent communication to be used in the office, on a sales call or at home.

‘SUFFER FOR BEAUTY’

At first blush this may seem like a comment to make Ms. Steinem scowl. But before you link arms to plan a protest in front of my office believe me when I tell you this in NOT advice to wear four inch Manolo Blahniks, to sleep with soup cans on your head, or sign up to have your face surgically rearranged. Guys, this goes for you too. (Even though I am guessing only a couple of you know anything about the relationship of soup cans to hair.)

Speaking of heels, did you see that high heel shoes for baby girls are on the market? Come on people. What’s next, garter belt and fishnets. Stop it!!! What message is a heeled baby supposed to send? I cannot even answer that!

Ok, back to mom. The ‘suffer for beauty’ advice began as my mother’s way of silencing my yelps as she was combing a waist long ponytail. Not sure if she made this up but maybe she will comment and tell us how she came to this. (Mom?) Her point was not that long hair was more or less beautiful than other hair. It was, and is to this day, whatever you choose your personal persona to be, it should be represented at its best, and that may take a little suffering. You want long hair, it has to be combed. You want short hair, your pain is different but the commitment is the same.

In my mother’s eyes, paying attention to how you look sends the message to those around you that you respected them. Getting spiffed up at our house communicates that we care about each other. Making sure we were properly attired and groomed when going to work or a party or the gym sends the message "I respect YOU."

Recently I went to a birthday party and knew not a single person except he who brought me. This put me in a unique position to contemplate who had “suffered for beauty” and who had not. It doesn't take much effort to see those who respect their perspective over the hosts.

How to know if you are not suffering quite enough for beauty:

Your family teases you about not owning a sport coat/suit to bury you in.
You look around the room and you and the toddlers are the only ones wearing athletic shoes.
The waiter is dressed better than you.
You haven’t seen the back of your head all year.
Your favorite tools for nail care are your teeth.
No one ever asks your advice on what to wear.
You think not washing your hair is somehow good for your scalp.
You are trying to start a new trend and NOBODY is following you.
You don’t believe that how you look reflects what message you are sending.

You can’t always wear the most comfortable shoes or the baggiest pants or a baseball cap. When your host, for example, has gone to great lengths to make himself and his office or home festive, to ignore the effort (or suffering) is to show disrespect or at the very least a lack of appreciation. When I comb my ponytail, I want you to comb yours too damn it!!

Spiff up. It says “I respect you.” An EXCELLENT communication for anyone, anytime. MOM, did I get it correct?

The Great Divide?

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 17:15:00 +0000

As I told you before, I’ve been trying to get out in the blogging world more. I happened upon a great blog about blogging by Barbara Swafford that showcases a blog each week (fantastic idea). She recently featured two blogs that I happen to really enjoy…the Urban Panther and the Urban Lion. The witty banter and dialogue between this couple started me thinking about a topic communication experts commonly focus on…the differences in communication between genders.

ZMF consultants commonly speak about disparities between the genders in our speeches and presentations. As the founder in a woman owned business who works in a male dominated industry, I am intimately familiar with those differences. People commonly ask me if I change my language or communication style when working with my clients. The answer – most definitely. I certainly don’t communicate the same way to every individual or audience. As I’ve written before, it is vital to charm your audience if you want them to listen to you. Engaging your audience means speaking to them in relatable terms. For example, if your audience is a male group of CEOs, don’t use an example about your experiences with the local PTA. Or if you are speaking at a local mom’s workshop, don’t pepper your lecture with cursing when research shows almost three-quarters of women would be offended.

Traditional gender roles suggest women are more submissive, dependent and subjective while men tend toward more aggressive, independent and objective. However, specific communication nuances exist about how each gender communicates, what they talk about and what their goals for communication are. A few examples:

Men tend to communicate to give information while women tend to communicate to get information.
Women tend to use more emotional language while men rely on factual oriented language in conversation.
Men are more apt to talk about things, sports, business or money to share facts, not necessarily details. Women are more apt to talk about people while sharing feelings and details. Ladies – ask your husband how his day was and you will likely get a recitation of the facts…meetings, lunch, an important conference call – it’s a 5-minute conversation. Then, give your girlfriend a call and ask the same thing. Your girlfriend will give you a more detailed description with details about who, what, when, where and probably even what she wore.

Just look at the differences between one Panther post and the Lion’s response. The Panther’s post is longer, more detailed and she requests other women’s input on the topic to further the dialogue. Conversely, the Lion’s response is more factual – here is an explanation for why we work that way – there you go. Every post doesn’t always follow this pattern and obviously, there is no right or wrong way to do things, but the differences are there.

You all know there are countless differences between the genders in hormones, thought processing and emotions. A recent blog by Guy Kawaski pointed out a fantastic article that discusses “How Women Work”. There are a ton of interesting facts in the article and interesting fodder for future presentations; however, it doesn’t discuss the differences in communication styles…guess they are leaving it up to me for that discussion.

So, let’s hear from you readers – what differences do you notice in your conversations with men and women? Do you believe the gender stereotypes are still prevalent or are they outdated? Do you cater to your audience’s preferences – for communication is important – or do you use a one size fits all approach?

Words to Live By

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 02:05:00 +0000

As I was growing up, my parents offered few words/phrases/mantras to live by. Telling the truth, cleaning your plate, honoring your grandparents, valuing your family; those were values that were taken for granted and need not be spoken. Ah, but there were other lessons to learn, less obvious to some parents but not mine. Over the coming weeks I will examine each of them, what the words meant to them, how I interpreted these pearls of wisdom and how my own communication patterns emerged as a result.

You can do anything for three months.
Suffer for beauty.
Never say you can’t do something. Say yes and then work like crazy to make it true.
Earn your place at the table.
If you aren’t going to show up big don’t show up at all.
Buy American.
In every relationship somebody has to be the hero.
If you can’t laugh about it, god damn it, then you are in for one helluva long life.
What do you want to eat?

Words of wisdom and how they affect our communication for years to come. Don't be shy, tell me what pearls of wisdom made an impact on your communication style?

A Warm Welcome!

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 20:07:00 +0000

Last weekend, I had the honor (again) of guest lecturing at the University of Chicago’s Graduate School of Business. For the past several years, I have been thrilled to be asked to speak at Dr. Tanya Menon’s class on Power and Influence in Organizations.

After listening to me run through my speech at breakneck speed, we moved into the exciting part (for me anyway) - the role-playing exercises. Once again – the participants didn’t disappoint. It is always a pleasure attending the class and each time I take away something new that improves my teaching or speaking style, which is what makes each trip so successful.

A special welcome to any new readers from the classes who might be reading the blog for the first time. Let’s continue the dialogue and exchange of ideas here. If you have a particular topic or communication conundrum, send it my way and I will do my best to address it in a future post.

Thanks to Tanya for the wonderful introductions and always making me feel welcome!

Reach Out and Touch Someone?

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 14:16:00 +0000

Recently at a wedding, I was speaking with a woman I did not know. She was telling me that her daughter had just started her career as a hair stylist. (I think that is currently the politically correct moniker.) It used to be beauty parlor. What was wrong with that by the way? Who doesn’t want to be made beautiful? And, since when did the word parlor lose favor. Oh well, later. The woman said to me, “I can hardly stand to touch anyone and here she is with her hands on strangers all day.” Huh? Who would you rather befriend? Are you a toucher? Do you hold your friend’s hand (same sex) when you walk down the street? Do you really hug your family and friends or is it just one of those ‘move in’ and ‘pat pat’ hugs. Now don’t be too quick to answer. But do answer. Touching is one of my favorite subjects and I promise to keep the subject going for awhile.

(Photo by Jill Greenseth at http://www.flickr.com/photos/blah_oh_well/; license details there.)

How to Deliver Sensitive Advice / Information

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 01:12:00 +0000

Andy Griffith steered Opie through the perils of growing up by telling him stories about himself, Aunt Bee, Barney, Gomer, Goober and Floyd. Can you imagine sitting your 15 year old down to discuss why she should not wear her newly purchased $150 jeans so low that she has to spend an extra $75 waxing and starting with “one time when Aunt Bee was about your age….”? I am just not sure where the story would go from there. Mostly you would get that “and this has what to do with me” look. Or an even bigger stretch might be trying to give a life lesson to a newly hired MBA grad by relating how Floyd behaved his first days on the job.

So if Barney and Goober are of no help, how do we as parents, spouses, bosses, employees and just plain folks help the people around us see the light? The ability to give advice that enhances something besides your own ego is challenging. Try this 4-step TEST and let me know how it goes.

TEST 1
Is your advice really solid advice that can be backed up with some empirical data or is it simply personal opinion? If the latter–STOP.

TEST 2
Is it really advice or are you camouflaging a counter perspective and are too much of a weenie to step up and directly disagree. Either way, this is not solid ground for advice giving.

TEST 3
Has your advice been asked for? If yes to #1 and #3 proceed. If nobody asked you then probably nobody cares. And, even if they do care and it is good advice, the fact that you gave your ‘recommendation’ without being invited to do so does something to the chemical activity in the brain causing thoughts similar to “who appointed you Dear Abby” to dance in the part of the brain that has the aggravation function.

SUB-PART A OF TEST 3
If your counsel has not been asked for, is it urgent that you give it anyway? And, if you feel you must give the advice, is there a way to give information and not make a behavioral recommendation which for some reason the human species defies? For example, “A large snake lives in that hole you are about to step in” versus “Don’t put your foot in that hole, there is a snake in there and he is going to bite you.” I guarantee the latter will at least some percentage of the time cause an otherwise rational person to put his foot in the snake hole just to prove you wrong.

TEST 4
Are you the right messenger? Regardless, by all means try to hand the job off to someone else. You will be better off for it in the end.

Among the Best of the Best!

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 20:22:00 +0000

Someone from my office turned me onto this relatively new website that is creating quite a buzz in the blogging world. Alltop works like an online magazine rack and collects stories from “all the top” sites on the web and groups these collections into Alltop sites for topics such as photography, celebrity gossip and politics just to name a few. They just added a new category called Speaking which features the top sites on the web that focus on presentations, public speaking and communication. I am proud to say my zblog is now featured on the site!

So, zblog readers – Go check out the site – it is an interesting site that highlights a variety of blogs and websites in a quick and user-friendly way!

And to those Alltop users new to my blog – welcome! If there is a topic you are interested in, shoot me an email and I will do my best to cover it!

A Blast From The Past!

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 15:50:00 +0000

I got an email from an old friend today. And while I call him a friend frankly the relationship was much less at the time. Just under 20 years ago he interned for me. I doubt I have seen him since. I certainly had not heard from him in years and had done nothing much on my end to keep the connection. So, how did I feel when I saw his name on my email? Good. I know many of you are sitting out there right now looking at old address books and email lists wondering if you shoud, could make contact. What stops us most of the time? Insecurity. Does this person want to hear from me? Will he think I want something? Will she even remember me? Why hasn't he contacted me, did I do something? What would I say? And on and on and on. Surprise yourself and don't wait until you send out your Christmas cards. Make a call, send an email, mail a postcard. As long as you are not looking for money, it is heartwarming to know that anyone remembers me and wants me to know they are thinking about me. Your old friends, acquaintances and yes, even lovers, will feel the same. Find that X. Now you are really reaching out.

Dress To Impress?!

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 16:37:00 +0000

In my quest to get out more in the blogosphere, I read a recent post in the WSJ Law Blog about Women Litigators and their Courtroom Footwear Dilemma. The question posed – if a woman litigator “appeared before an 80-year-old male judge in something actually comfortable, not to mention a jury, would you be doing your clients a disservice?” As someone who makes my livelihood studying how jurors respond to lawyers (and also a shoe fan), the post and more than fifty subsequent comments struck a nerve. The conversation even held my interest. That is until two weeks ago when I walked into a federal courtroom and saw a woman who defied all conventional wisdom.

This was much more radical than a pantyhose or no pantyhose debate…let me paint the picture of what I saw.

The subject of this pondering was a smart as a whip, female attorney whose daily attire was a men’s dress shirt, men’s suit, men’s belt and men’s shoes. She was clearly wearing men’s clothing – this was not a case of a preference for men’s styling. Her clothes were men’s clothes tailored to fit her perfectly. (I know – I am an expert shopper.) She wore very small earrings and a large ring on her left hand that resembled a college class ring. Her hair was slicked back into a ponytail and appeared to wear no makeup. For more than two weeks, this attorney maintained the same unwavering image in front of a jury of housewives, accountants, bookkeepers and teachers.

So let’s open the discussion shall we? Let’s first assume this isn’t about sexual orientation at all – let’s take that completely off the table. The question for me is why someone would deliberately choose to depart from conventional expectations of dress. Expectation theory suggests straying from societal norms would be risky behavior and could damage her credibility with the audience. In trial, the stakes are high – a lawyer’s credibility and persuasiveness are of upmost importance and can be the difference between a victory and a loss.

So, my question to the group – have you seen this before in your workplace? If so, do you agree with the experts that a strategy this far from the “norm” is a burden you probably don’t want to bear?

What does your handshake say about you?

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Thu, 29 May 2008 00:13:00 +0000

zblog readers: While I am away at trial helping attorneys better communicate to a jury, I thought it was time to get the M in ZMF involved in the blog. My partner, Pat McEvoy is taking my place this week as your resident communication expert. I'll be back next week ...Theresa

We make impressions on the people we meet in the first three seconds. What does that usually cover? Introductions and handshakes. In the first three seconds you have the opportunity to make a good first impression or a bad one.

If someone taught you how to shake hands well, congratulations. Most of us just started doing it unconsciously and continue doing it well or badly. There has been a lot written on the importance of touch, the rituals of meeting, the anthropology of handshakes. Here are the Cliff Notes.

So, what makes a good first three seconds? Here are the eight parts.

Look someone in the eye.
Say your name.
Repeat their name. Act like you are glad to meet them.
Put your hand out where they can see it. Eagerly, not a limp noodle.
Try to engage as much palm as you can.
Grasp firmly, but not tightly. As firm as they are then a click more.
Move hand up and down one or two times.
Let go. Eye contact again.

Here are the two common mistakes:

Limp grip. Ever shake hands with someone who gives you two or three limp fingers? Very unsatisfying.

Vertical instead of horizontal hands. Men sometimes do this when they shake women’s hands. They hold the hand like they are going to kiss it. The woman should make the first move and put her hand out with the thumb straight up. That sends the message nonverbally, “I am not afraid and I’m coming in for a good handshake.”

There are many variations of handshakes and it is fun to watch for them.

The double handshake: one person puts the other in a hand sandwich. The effect is warm and sincere and the reason is you can get more palm contact that way. Sometimes both people make hand sandwiches—showing even more sincerity.

Holding the hand after the shake. Usually this feels very intimate or like special meaning is intended.

Looking down during the handshake: this communicates lack of confidence or you don’t want to meet them.

Looking around during the handshake: this communicates arrogance. You are too busy and are looking for a more important person to meet.

Variations on the power lock: one person puts the non-shaking hand on the forearm, upper arm or shoulder. This can feel warm and friendly and it can feel like they are jockeying for power. In general, powerful people touch less powerful people much less than the reverse and it can feel like the power locker is pushing you around. Lyndon Johnson was said to be a master at this.

Still think handshakes are minor details? It could mean the difference between getting the job or not—and may say a lot about your personality.

So, what handshake variations have you observed? Did anyone ever teach you how to shake hands or was it do-it-yourself?

Is Your Reputation for Detail an Illusion?

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Thu, 15 May 2008 19:32:00 +0000

Detail. What does paying attention to detail communicate? And whose detail do you pay attention to? Should you get to call yourself a detail person if the only detail you pay attention to is your own? Three people with three different reputations. Different detail scenarios - match them up.

Profile A:
30ish female, dresses nicely, jewelry is understated, works full time, is relied on heavily at her office to “keep things in order,” is praised annually for paying attention to the details.

Profile B:
50ish male, accounting background, a detailed self proclaimed “numbers” guy. Perfectionist with a strong routine gene. At the office is described as solid, reliable, “cuts to the heart of the issue.” Sees solutions where others don’t.

Profile C:
70ish, male, big picture kind a guy. Passionate. Uses terms like “slap it together” and is a committed do-it-yourselfer whether he knows how to do it or not.

Who does which?

___ Shows up at brunch with that little cross stitch on the new coat still connected

___ Keeps a “to-do” list and dutifully crosses off items as completed

___ Spends three days in kitchen and never notices a new piece of furniture

___ Is most comfortable in dress clothes

___ Spouse shows up at brunch with that little cross stitch on the new coat still connected

___ Remembers important dates such as birthdays and anniversaries

___ Notices new outfit on spouse immediately

___ Forgets or chooses not to comb the back of their hair even on a workday

___ Closet organized by activity – work/play/lounge

___ Organizes a calendar for both personal and work commitments

___ Balances checkbook every month

Let’s hear it readers – what do you think? Send me your answers either via blog@zmf.com or using the comments link below. Copy and paste the list above and enter in the profile letter to replace the _____. Good Luck!

The Sound of Silence

blog@zmf.com (Theresa Zagnoli) — Thu, 01 May 2008 14:03:00 +0000

In my efforts to go out among fellow bloggers and see what people are saying, I read a post by Bert Decker on the Power of Pause, which started me pondering about a similar powerful tool – silence. Silence is basically the same tool as the pause…it is just longer and there is no expectation that another comment will follow. Every quarter I have the privilege of guest lecturing Tanya Menon's Power and Influence in Organizations at the University of Chicago Graduate School of Business. The concept of using silence as a persuasion tool is always an epiphany. The idea to just stop talking rarely occurs to the students as we work our way through workshop conflict situations. Most of us are afraid of silence and do anything to fill it. We avoid the 'pregnant pause', put background music on to relieve the 'uncomfortable' silence, talk over the top of each other to make sure we get heard and believe that thinking while we speak is somehow better than thinking before we speak.

SILENCE IS YOUR FRIEND
What is the how to? Just stop talking. When? When you have forgotten what you are talking about. When you notice someone look at their watch. When you wonder why you are not winning the argument? When you don't know what it is you are arguing. When you get tired of the sound of your own voice (that is a tough one I know). Or, after you have spoken three sentences. Be silent. If no one comments or takes it from there chances are you have not said anything worth commenting on. The solution is not to start talking again. Stay very, very still and quiet. Sooner or later someone will say something. Unless of course they read the advice on "how silence makes the jabberwocky dig himself a hole."

How do you feel when you hear nothing?

How do you keep yourself from filling the silence?