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2010-07-25T19:22:00.000-07:00

Manucher United

2010-07-19T00:57:00.000-07:00

Earlier this year, I got a Facebook friend request from a long lost uncle named Manucher, an amoo I sometimes affectionately refer to as "my biological father's half brother." It was one of a slew of such advances from relatives on Facebook that made my presence on that infringing social networking service feel even more awkward.

As an adult I've never hung out with this amoo, having briefly chatted with once by accident over the phone -- earlier this year. It was your typical overly-polite, underwhelming conversation I have with older Persians. A bunch of haal-ahvaal. To try and break the ice I found some common ground with an old standby: "So, football-o mibeeni? Who do you think is gonna win the Vorld Kup this summer?"

It works every time. As a fubol supporter myself I know the ins and outs, how to weave it into a conversation like Didier Drogba splits a defense with a delicate pass forward. But Manuchehr would be a challenge. He's spent the last two decades "serving" as a religious missionary on a small scenic island out in the middle of the Pacific, raising not one but two families after a messy divorce and remarriage and running a small computer business on the archipelago. Believe it or not, he's the second uncle I know to go this route. Such inspiration.

I never thought he'd be a fan of any sports, or many forms of entertainment. I found this out first hand during the first time I met him, back in 1991. He was stopping over on his trans-atlantic flight and spent a couple of days at our house. I was your typical thirteen year old boy with posters of athletes on my bedroom wall. Manuchehr was given the upstairs tour by my mother, and I began to feel the discomfort that comes when you know a mustached Iranian man is about to judge you.

He took a few seconds staring at my Chicago Bears poster, wincing like its exotic fish at an aquarium, and underneath his breath quoted something from scripture.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Paging Espielberg

2010-05-19T15:41:00.000-07:00

Another No-Show

2010-05-18T01:40:00.000-07:00

Earlier this afternoon ABC ~~announced~~ leaked its fall lineup of new shows, and 'Funny in Farsi' was not among them. It's not a big shock, but it feels like a big letdown after all the anticipated buildup on its Facebook page, where Firoozeh Dumas herself was giving updates and interacting directly with the nearly 12,000 supporters in charming ways.

Adding insult to injury, tonight Disney -- ABC's parent company -- held the Los Angeles premiere of 'Prince of Persia', its 300-pound gorilla of guerilla warfare in desert. TENKS GOD they didn't roll the red carpet at Mann's in Vestvood Village, like they usually do, and held it at Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood instead.

photo © NBC

The pilot of 'Funny in Farsi' was already an underdog going into the annual Upfronts, the flashy draft-like announcement process of America's television networks. To me, Upfronts are exactly what's wrong about old-school media in this country. Broadcast TV is no longer simply supported by advertisers, but now exists primarily for advertisers. With all the focus groups and testing, the politically-correct win over anything that might rub someone the wrong way. Tenks god for YouTube, as well as for Sarah Silverman and her then-boyfriend.

It's not all bad news for Persians at this year's Upfronts. Nasim Pedrad was one of NBC's featured players, which means she's primed for picking in the future. Perhaps a sitcom, perhaps a dotcom -- I'll keep climbing the latter.

Armani Exchanges

2010-05-08T14:59:00.000-07:00

The Fear of Godzallah

2010-05-06T14:59:00.000-07:00

photo © 20th Century Fox

There's a standout scene in Gurinder Chandha's movie 'Bend it like Beckham' where the Sikh parents are startled when their daughter isn't obedient to all the frames on the wall.

I remember seeing that in a theatre, and realizing that the time has come for First Gen ethnic kids to take on taboo subjects. It's our coming of age. It also exacerbated my torture at the time because I was without any outlets to write or produce anything. Hence I turned to the blogoshere to dabble with the billions of ideas in my head, hoping something comes to fruition when I finally get access to resources -- human or material.

There were a lot of turbaned men dotting the walls of the homes I grew up in. There were also a ton of pictures of spaceship-looking things called Houses of Worship. They were always shadowing, and intimidating for a kid when you mix in some premature deaths, tumultuous sociopolitical times,. My Bahai relatives couldn't fathom how I didn't have my eyes well up with tears or my heart gasping when hearing religious stories like they did. That resulted in the proverbial question of whether there's something 'wrong' with me. And sometimes, when I felt really alienated, I'd think there maybe was something fun-damentally disturbing about me.

With all that said, I wasn't sure what all the fuss was about when I heard South Park was censored by Comedy Central for trying to de-pict Muhammad in one of their sketches. Of course it's a touchy subject in recent years, with some Muslim fanatics wanting to get their hands around the neck of cartoonists.

These doodling provocateurs, like South Park's Trey Parker and Matt Stone, are always white, always male, always very mono-cultured. And they're trying the old shock-and-awe tactics with little respect for their subjects. To me, if they had the balls they'd have an episode of burning an American flag or another symbol of American Idol-atry.

It's pure (er, Pák) speculation, but the attempted Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad (thanks for desecrating that name idiot) parked his car outside of Comedy Central's parent company Viacom's headquarters. Perhaps he wanted to send a message to those South Park dorks. I've spent some time in that building, which is interesting because my father would always call me "corrupt" for watching MTV (when it was still relevant and interesting -- ie, the 90s).

Religious fundamentalists causing the uproars, no matter what the faith, seem to have no problem mocking religions that aren't theirs. Like the ancient Buddha statues. That's an extreme case, but I know many mainstream Muslims in America who think of themselves as progressives and speak out against being stereotyped, but then are silent when it goes the other way. You can't have it both ways. That hypocrisy ticked me off when so many of them were quiet during the #iranelection.

Now while indigenous Eastern cultures are still too rigid in what they deem sacred, American society is disturbing on the opposite end of the spectrum. It has a dreadfully unique ability to render anything completely and utterly meaningless. To take something, commodify it, stomp on it, and mindlessly turn it into an empty product or catchphrase. A Jesus Christ bobblehead, or a horny puppet.

In today's era where everyone wants their 15 minutes of fame, with media everywhere, over-exposure is an inevitability. When everything is exposed, all the mystique is gone. The element of intrigue dead and buried.

And the result is all the meaningless crap you see on MTViacom these days.

Negah, Puh-leaze!

2010-05-02T14:47:00.001-07:00

Fesharmageddon

2010-04-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

You know it's a recession when it was your first Norouz not receiving an Eidee gift.

That's my speculation, anyhow. Of course I'm now in my thirties, and don't spend any school vacations around relatives. That's fine because I could never relate to my relatives and they had no interest in relating to me. Meanwhile my oblivious father enjoys hibernation in his new retirement home, and kid sister has her first legit job living in a sequel to Sects and the City.

Astonishingly, but unsurprisingly, none of them have ever visited the Vizard. Not since I first ventured out to live on my own in 1999, days after turning the big two-one. No, not even once lending a hand in moving out/in. Not in California, not anywhere else.

Spring couldn't have arrived any sooner after this most coldest winter if you happen to be a victim of the recession. That's especially true, and especially torture, if you're a male -- who are twice as likely to take disenfranchisement personally. And Persian boys are a lot more likely to be shat on than Perzh girls. I know because I hit Iraq-bottom before the economic downturn even began. I found out the hard way that you will be blacklisted and word will get around sooner or later that you are an abject failure. Like when this uneducated Ameh Auntie called me for the very first time, only to say that I'm a nobody unless I'm a doctor/lawyer/engineer.

If an Iranian over twenty-five has yet to achieve any socially-constructed 'status' there's a strong chance they will hear what I heard from my uncle last year: "Toh hichee nashodee..." What bothered me wasn't what he said -- he doesn't have a clue about me, and what he knows is the misinformation spread by his brother -- but the internal torment I felt in trying to get him to understand me. It won't work in Farsi or in English, and every time I think I'm too cool to let any of my kins getting under my skin, I fold like a tent in a hurricane.

"Why isn't he married? I was married at his age."

"Why doesn't he have a home? I was working at [place] at his age."

"What's wrong with him. He needs [religion/rehab]."

They ask these questions not to help you with positive advice, feedback, or constructive criticism. They do it because it's in certain Iranians' DNA to judge and jump to conclusions by imposing their beliefs on others. It's second nature, lower nature, which is probably why that Persian Version of the 'Jersey Shore' might actually work. As the comment in that thread reveals, there's no shortage of obscene expectations heaped upon the shoulders of the expat Iranian community's sons and daughters. I notice that the those of Jewish and Bahai family backgrounds, in particular, suffer from this.

Iranians judge because they've been judged throughout their own lives. My father would, and still does, belittle me and my endeavors at every opportunity. He does it completely subconsciously. Many times right in front of me -- to the cashier at a Persian store, a guest at his house, a police officer (don't ask; I will tell.). He's the apathetic kind, one to ask not 'Vhere iz my vote?' but 'Vhere iz my remote?' I've seen a myriad of Persian men between 25-35 be ripped to shreds by their fathers in public settings.

Over the winter I read a tragic story of a geeky Asian twentysomething in San Diego who killed his parent after that parent threatened to cut him off financially. He was a Carnegie Mellon grad, did what his parents wanted him to do, but after one year of unemployment in the computer industry he went over the edge in the most brutal way.

But there's hope to all this. Lessons to be learned by our skimming times. Oprah's modus operandi inspires me, in fact. Allegedly, Miss Winfrey has a policy of not giving her personal cell phone number to her relatives, saying bye-bye to certain bio-illogicals. Keep the focus, not allowing small minds to belittle your big dreams.

That's exactly what I should do. But first I need to afford having a cell phone.

Yek Shining Moment

2010-03-21T17:15:00.000-07:00

Mashallah, aghaye doktor. I always knew Payam Saadat's WazzU had balls of steel, given they were the only PAC-10 university to offer yours truly a partial scholly out of high school.

Ali Farokhmanesh's game-winning moment totally gave me gooz-bumps right around dinnertime on Saturday, with Norooz get-togethers in full swing. Besides all the obvious reasons that make Norooz an awesome holiday (like pre-dating religions), one particular aspect making it the most wonderful time of the year is how it falls on Spring Break. Even if you're no longer a student and don't abide by the academic calendar, whether you're at a beach or a sofreh, a cozy environment with NCAA March Madness in the background is a staple at this time.

Soon after the shot, 'ali farokhmanesh' was the numero uno Twitter trending topic in the U.S. for much of the weekend. Now I don't want to pat myself on the back, but I shall: I was the first to type up the name and send it into the Twitterverse heading into the weekend.

Interestingly enough, Norouz weekend also marks the anniversary of the launch of Twitter. That explains how the stars are aligned for the social media website to continue enhancing the image of Iranians one hashtag at a time.

Charshanbeh Charcoal

2010-03-17T14:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Jaan Letter

2010-02-11T20:43:00.001-08:00

Vill you be my Valentine? Because I really need someone to love.

By the way, how DO you say "love" in Farsi? Sometimes I don't think a word exists. But a lot of Iranians singles would love to know. So that's the question. That's amore.

If I can't find a heterosexual relationship to be a part of, perhaps I'll hop into a bisexual love triangle. I'm a straight shooter, but I get hit on by gay guys all the time - probably more so than by women it seems, unfortunately. It's my whole androgynous "artist" look like David Bowie's Ziggy Stardoost character. But hey, they're all just categories. Humans, ultimately, are experimental creatures who will do whatever it takes to fill the voids in our hearts.

Sometimes I wish I was gay if only for the chance of "coming out" seems so profoundly cathartic to me. I've always found that public admission as the easiest, most profound, no-further-questions-asked way to get the message across that you are who you are for a reason. That you're just naughty by nature, not by choice. Whimsical, not "weird." It would quell all the "een pesar cherah ajeeb gharibeh?" talk I heard growing up A dool identity is a crippling burden to deal with going into adulthood, and at one point you have to decide you cannot live a lie anymore.

That could be why Farrokh Bulsara aka Freddie Mercury never officially declared himself out, despite the obvious. The Queen singer was of Parsi parentage in conservative Zanzibar. Parsis are Zoroastrians in India whose ancestry stretches into ancient Persia, so I guess Farrokh had a Persian bloodline when he found HIV in it. As an adult, I took that test last year for the first time and it was uncomfortable to say the least.

Such pressures don't seem to hamper Rostam Batmanglij of Vampire Weekend, now that he's out and about. He comes from one of this rare Iranian familes who actually encouraged him to pursue his eccentric, artistic lifestyle. That's in large part thanks to his mother, who already had her own public persona raising her sons in DC (and having a last name like a DC comic superhero).

Nevertheless, with that confession Batmangalij surely shattered the hearts of a few fangirls. But that's the risk we must sometimes take in order to exist openly and honestly in this crazy little thing called life.

Ava's Antar

2010-02-11T00:59:00.000-08:00

Yeah, Mahmoud khan wants to go 3-D on your ass.

Because he feels like it. And he loves him some James Kamran.

I spent a weekend in Manhattan last month, and snapped a pic on my phone of his fugly mug whilst walking around the block. As you see below, AN is looking straight across at Kid Rock, who's also pretty fugly and sucks just as much.

According to them politicos, today's something called the '22nd Bahman' event in 21st century iRan, marking the anniversary of the Islamic Devolution. IRI celebrates in its usual eccentric ways - banning Google's Gmail service and celebrating with radioactive Party Poppers.

The interwebs are alive and well here though, and several Perzh outlets are providing coverage. Like the mysterious @OxfordGirl on Twitter. And a good source for a roundup is my curated Twitter list.

Weakend Irandezvous

2010-01-31T02:29:00.000-08:00

This new decade got off to an uncomfortable start with new government guidelines for airline safety going into effect, after another brainwashed Muslim dude tried to blow up a plane on Christmas night.

This means we're going to have to set our Persian Standard Time back an extra hour.

I got to witness the new measures first-hand. My physician amoo flew back to Vancouver after visiting his hospitalized brother in the States (that would be my neurotic father). Even folks with Canadian passports had logistical red tape to deal with.

I'm not sure what to think. I hate stereotypes too, but they sometimes persist for a reason. Religious fundamentalists with a penchant for violence, particularly Islamists, are going to continue to make life rather complicated. And as much as I find the TSA an annoying group of bastards to deal with at the airport, some measures have to be put into place.

It was not too long ago when I was an air travel enthusiast. A teen producing my own Cable Access show, I'd carry a Handycam in my backpack recording things at the gate and even on the plane. I'd envision growing up to have a job requiring abundant travel. I'd be hoping from one Hilton to another -- much like the character George Clooney plays in 'Up in the Air' -- meeting sexy ladies in terminal lounges while exchanging business cards with men in suits, virtually living in airports. Actually, Mehran Nasseri did that in Paris' Charles de Gaulle airport -- a story which inspired Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks to turn into a feature film in 2004.

Those sentiments are gone. That sort of leeway completely unheard-of now. And probably won't be allowed ever again.

BTW. Big Day Out shout out to you readers Down Under. I've been observing the Australian Open, as I always do at this time of the year, enjoying the racket upstairs. There's no Agassi, no Bahrami, or Rezai, but I hope to join you guys someday in the Southern Hemisphere to bask in your summer season.

But, unfortunately, the thought of a 19-hour flight absolutely terrifies me right now.

Ashe Joe

2010-01-04T01:10:00.000-08:00

Spending the weekend here in Vashangton DC, where your narrator freezing his arse off. I grew up in the midwest so you'd think I could handle such temps, but by now I've been spoiled by the tempered west coast climate.

The last time I felt this cold was, well, last year at this time when I also happened to be in the nation's capital. That time it was for the inauguration of the 44th President, and the temperatures were outrageously cold. So much so that I craved some Persian Hot Chocolate.

I vividly remember the night before the inauguration, when a block away from the Four Seasons I took in a cup of fresh Ashe Resteh for $4.99 from the Moby Dick of Georgetown, where Denzel Vashangton was chowing down on a plate of joojeh kabob.

The soup there was slightly better than the one up in New York City, home of the Iranian Soup Nazi, Ali "Al" Yeganeh. But I'd like to see the two franchises duke it out. Winner takes all.

Yesterday vice president Joe Biden's mother died, not too far away from another hospital I was at tending to my father's surgery to remove a benign tumor in his lung that he BLAMES ME for having.

The soup they served in the hospital failed to hit the spot - much like the first year of the Obama-Biden reign, some might say.

Sanford and Ehsan

2010-01-04T00:47:00.000-08:00

We live in a world of increasing clutter, so my 2010 new year's resolution has something to do with simply being able to get rid of junk.

I used to think this inability to discard things has something to do with being Iranian. But having Oriental roommates changed that. Anyone whose origins lie in the Asian continent will clearly be stricken by this.

Then I used to think my ability to properly dispose of trash was hindered by my working class economic background. But the credit crunch changed that, too. Anything no longer needed is considered garage sale-worthy, perhaps something to put up on Ebay or Craigslist. Stockbrokers became pawnbrokers.

My grandpa Ehsan was your typical Iranian baba bozorg who thought every damn nook and cranny and crumb lying around was worth something. Well, except things that weren't his -- my Nintendo was junk, but that 30-year-old lampshade he found at a neighborhood yardsale for two bucks? Che jaaleb! That's what happens when you've been poor (and, um, uneducated) your whole life I guess.

Expounding on the subjecting of disposability was this blog entry from the @nerdist, Chris Hardwick. In the mid-Nineties he hosted Singled Out on MTV (back when MTV was relevant). The game show featured young, attractive, charming singles from around Southern California. Naturally, several of times they had a Persian guy or gal as the contestant.

One of the contestants was Yasmin Vossoughian, who's now a successful broadcast journalist at Al Gore's CurrenTV and at Reza Aslan's BoomGen Studios. Word has it that Yasmin got engaged yesterday, on New Years Day. So she's no longer single -- and probably will never be again.

Perhaps I should add 'Get Hitched' to my list 2010 resolutions. That pursuit never gets old and dated.

Naan Believers

2009-12-26T15:16:00.000-08:00

Ho ho ho, chi minhs! A Merry Christmas to you all, and to everyone else -- Happy Hannukah, Moharram, Kwaanza, Solistice, whatever floats your boat. Personally I prefer to have my boat rocked -- kind of like half-Persian guitarist Amir Derakh, whose Twitpic is seen at your left.

Did you guys put up a Christmas tree, or lights outside your house? When I moved into my very first apartment a few years ago I put up some lights on my window just to see what it feels like. Growing up our house was the only on on our block to not do so, which just screamed "foreigners!"

So if you're from a non-Judeo-Christian family, this can be an awkward time. But in our increasingly agnostic society, where we're down with everything, its becoming the norm to see young Persian couples go with the flow.

I guess you can never have enough gift-giving moments to spend with family and friends to pretend to enjoy being around.

SCI of Relief

2009-12-18T00:45:00.000-08:00

Congrats, cybernauts.

According to Twitter headquarters, the #iranelection was the number one topic on the site for 2009, beating out #MichaelJackson, #SwineFlu, and #GoogleWave for that top spot. I would've been perfectly content to just have beaten out #Adam Lambert -- man that guy is annoying.

What's clear is that this wasn't some fad. I mean the #iranelection, not Twitter (jury is still out on the latter). So to have landed ahead of all that tabloid fluff and sorry excuse for entertainment stories is a victory for humanity, frankly.

During the height of the protests over the summer, I didn't get around to mentioning how this New Media phenomenon is actually nothing new for the diaspora community.

It all really started 1992. I spent a summer at my cousin's college campus, and got a glimpse of his computer lab. He introduced me to this thing called Netscape Navigator. Oh the world at your fingertips. (And all that porn.) A year later I forced my disbelieving baba ("It's just an assbehbazi!") to buy us a Macintosh Performa 405.

I learned then of Usenet Newsgroups, a straight-up ASCII global bulletin board which back then was one of the the only outlets on the interwebs for uncensored dialogue. Usenet was recently bought and resurrected by Google, which means some of my smack-talking stuff as a punk-ass teen is now archived forever and ever. Sigh.

One of the more popular discussion sections was Soc.Culture.Iranian, affectionately known by its acronym of SCI. The hip moderators were based in Palo Alto, where some Stanford grad students were laying down the foundation to today's New Media landscape.

UPDATE: A few hours ago Twitter was hacked by a wannabe-hizbollahi group calling itself the 'Iranian Cyber Army'. Damn geeks. Stop spending so much time with your assbehbazi.

Color Me Badi

2009-12-17T03:10:00.000-08:00

Word from the backlot of Hollywood studios is ABC ordering up a pilot for a potential sitcom based on Firoozeh Dumas' memoir Funny in Farsi. Maz Jobrani and Marjan Neshat have already been cast as first bill, and the obligatory Fb page has been put up by omnipresent publicist Bita Milanian.

A television pilot, of course, is just a template and means nothing about whether it gets the green light to go on air. According to THR its been in the works for a while, but now that big-shot director Barry Sonnenfeld wants to go behind the lens and exec produce, ABC suits are willing to take a serious look.

Knowing that the pilot screenplay will be penned by two scribes without a history in writing multiculti material has me skeptical. However, of the major broadcast networks (meaning non-cable) ABC does have the track record for breaking ethnic material. Stuff like 'the George Lopez Show' and 'All-American Girl' starring Margaret Cho come to mind. And the hospital drama 'Greys Anatomy' from Shonda Rhimes is the first show created by a woman of color.

Those sitcoms were partly a product of ABC lauded Diversity Training Program for scribes and producers, which I seriously thought about applying for several years ago. I had a change of heart when I figured that our shifting media landscape sees the interwebs a better route than the medium of broadcast networks.

But hey, if the showrunners of 'Funny in Farsi' want to give me a ring-a-ding, I'm all ears.

The Frugal Ghormeh

2009-11-26T14:28:00.000-08:00

Happy Tanksgiving, folks.

Plenty of you will be gathering with your families on this turkey day. Others, meanwhile, will be going solo looking for a bite to eat. In the last few years I've fallen in the latter category, living on my own as I have and away from the brethren. Last year I picked up a plate Whole Foods, and in another time I braved a blizzard in Chicago (without a car) to have an all-you-can eat Thanksgiving buffet special at Rezas Restaurant.

They don't usually serve mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie, if you didn't know. I thought it was cool that a Persian place served up such a meal. But then I saw something cooler in SoCal when I saw a full-fledged Persian eatery in a mall food court. I've seen some places serve 'mediteranean dishes', but only Charlie Kabab can give you an authentic bowl of asheh reshteh, and a big plate of ghormeh sabzi or gheymeh. It's the only place I'd ever eat at if I was stuck in a mall, like at the Vestside Pavillion, since American fast food is so toxic.

I was disappointed to hear that their location in Irvine at the Spectrum is closing, due to the recession. So it's not a very good Thanksgiving for Charlie's brown kabobs. However that might be a blessing in disguise for us patrons, since it's clear from waistlines and waste that we need to cut back on our processed meat consumption these days.

But can I wait to start my vegetarian diet tomorrow? Pretty please?

No Haram, No Foul

2009-11-23T01:15:00.000-08:00

Chetori? Khoobhasti?

It's Sunday, time for a Letter to the Editor...
---------

There's a brouhaha brewing over words broadcast on a sports telecast, and now politicized thanks to the National Iranian-American Council (NIAC). But they should stick to governmental affairs, not trivial matters like this one. It's Al Sharpton-like PC policing gone a bit too far, and that's what's stifling real discussion in this country on issues regarding race and gender stereotypes.

To me, nowhere did the two broadcasters make any "epithet" or say anything to "slander." It's not "hateful" to joke that Hamed Haddadi - who with his tall, lanky, hairy frame and awkwardly FOBish demeanor - resembles Sasha Baron Cohen's Borat character. Were the comments superficial? Sure. Racist? Nah. We're talking about a silly sports cast. In fact I'd say that such a response is actually superficial, as it takes something outside of its context and devalues a hot-button word like 'racism'.

And we can't blame the two dopey L.A. Clippers broadcasters for saying "eye-ran." Ralph Lawler and Mike Smith are just old-fashioned white guys who need to fill dead air with mindless yet harmless chatter. They probably can't even tell the difference between "I-rock" and I-ran, like jingoistic country music jingles or the recent, indecent words of Sarah Palin.

That said, it's a positive sign that networks are more acutely aware of the ignorant things said announcers on their payroll. Recently ESPN suspended commentator Bob Griese (again, another dopey old-fashioned white guy) for one game after a cheesy joke about a Latino athlete eating tacos. I could support NIAC blowing the whistle if there was no response from network execs, but in this case FoxSports Los Angeles (which has nothing to do with the incendiary Fox News division, btw) took immediate action.

As several Iranian-Americans have already remarked on the LA Times blog and elsewhere, we're a bit embarrassed that NIAC should make such a big deal out of this. It makes Persian sports fans seem like petty lightweights without a sense of humor, and part of some fringe, endangered minority who has to play the victim card. We should be above the rim on all this.

UPDATE: The Clippers are making their game this Sunday afternoon an 'Iranian Heritage Day' event.

(photo courtesy of @ArashMarkazi)

Hokm, Line and Stinker

2009-11-18T22:24:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend saw the conclusion of an obamination called The World Poker Championships, where a 21-year-old college dropout raked in $8.5 million smackeroos.

I refuse to see this as a 'sport' and its even worse to see it televised. Poker is the kind of game that brings out the douche out of anyone, like olive on rice.

Thus, it appeals to many of us Persian men. Just think about it, ya'll. It's Vegas based. It's about ego. It's betting away obscene amounts of unearned money. There's tons of disgusting cigar/hookah smoking. And the chance to change your name to a character in Godfather.

Backgammon, chess, othello. Uno or all of these are considered 'Hokm', and were once invented in ancient Persia. There's no such thing as an Iranian-American Poker Players Union just yet, but its sure to be on the way. Indeed, there are almost a dozen Irooni professional poker players. Folks who make an flippantly good living flipping cards.

You might have heard or seen one of these dudes. Folks like Ali 'Oliver' Nejad who's a regular on NBC's Poker After Dark and somehow has over 850,000 followers on Twitter. Or maybe Amir 'Antonio' Esfandiari, who's seemingly always interviewed by various media outlets giving out horrible advice on how to score on the cards and with the chicks.

Yallah Brick Road

2009-11-13T17:35:00.000-08:00

On behalf of all first-gen kids born in America who learned English through early-morning viewing of PBS programming, I'd like to wish the crew down at Sesame Street a happy birthday on turning the big 4-0.

Few know that Bert of Bert'n'Ernie fame was of Middle Eastern descent. That unibrow, cropped hair, and unending cynicism is a fitting testament to his ancestry.

The co-creator of Sesame Street was puppeteer Jim Henson, who branched off with The Muppet Show. That program guests like Jazz legend Dizzy Gillespie, who was a friend of Persian culture through involvement in his unitarian Persian faith. The Dizster even managed to tour Iran in the late 1950s.

Speaking of PBS, their newsmagazine Frontline next week will be premiering a documentary on the #Neda phenomenon. In our consolidated, corporate media landscape PBS still bringin' the goods. That includes the radio, where NPR's Diane Rehm moderates the goings on. Diane is a produce of Middle Eastern parentage (Egpytian dad, Turkish mom) and goes from coast to coast via KCRW, which I find tediously boring at times. But hey, its free. Can't be picky.

IED Screen

2009-11-13T15:09:00.000-08:00

The Levantine Center collaborated with the Iranian-American Bar Association for an evening discussion on the topic of Hollywood typecasting of Middle Easterners. Comedians, actors and producers joined pundits on a panel.

(courtesy of Javan.TV)

Reza the Ravaani

2009-11-12T02:18:00.000-08:00

The other night I fell asleep watching 'The Darrs' on HBO. It's a good movie to have on as you're dozing off 'cause its all about spacing out. And I love getting stoned by Oliver.

Walking around downtown Vestvood late at night can feel strange these days. There are so many creepy 'homeless' nutjubs milling about like zombies and whose smells can permeate the air from yards away. (Parentheses with 'homeless' since they're not exactly in their predicament because of a bad credit report.) We're talking about 300-pound creatures with greasy comb-overs who resemble props from 'Where the Wild Things Are'. And that's just the women.

When I first visited Vestvood, I was curious by this scenario. I asked longstanding residents if its always been like this, and they said that only in the past decade has it gone for worse -- but also that its always been a bit weird due to the huge VA hospital along Veteran Blvd thats filled with men going down the psychopath. Some sleep in shopping carts underneath the overpass, while many occupy entire bus stop benches. As mayor I'd advocate euthanasia because they're long gone, and they ain't coming back folks.

Anyway, eventually, I saw something unusual. Something I've never seen before. Walking up and down Westwood Blvd. in front of restaurants like Shamshiri, asking hamvatans for change or a bite to eat. There IT was: a true to life Persian 'homeless' bloke.

He looked like an obese Charles Manson or Jim Morrison, long hair with a thick beard wearing sunglasses. Clearly divooneh, but not threatening. Rather personable, actually. Some Iranian patrons gave him change, as he approaches anyone who remotely looks Persian.

One night at the In-N-Out he even came up to me while I was sitting down eating fries, right before getting kicked out by security. That night I went online and chuckled to find that Farsi-based network Bebin.tv (now defunct) had done a segment on the man I'm now calling Reza the Ravaani.

Hulu Hoops

2009-11-04T13:05:00.000-08:00

The NBA season has tipped off, and this year the marketing departments of local teams are try to tap into ethnic communities. This is a trend across most pro sports franchises in multiculti America. The LA Dodgers employed a marketing strategy that involved Los Angeles' bicultural communities.

I mentioned Hamed Haddadi last year at this time as he first entered the league. Couple months ago he hosted a summer camp in the Valley which he conducted with the help of new Lakers forward Ron Artest, who threw down a few dunks and a few Farsi words too. No word on when Artest will be getting a designer haircut from Melody Eh$ani with Persian calligraphy carved around his temple.

It's good that marketing departments are acknowledging the presence - and purchasing power - of Iranians in their locales. The trend really started with Yao Ming making a splash in the league. But it's worth noting that many young Chinese-Americans don't feel a particular allegiance to Ming because he's from China, not America. They say if there was a Chinese-American star it would be different. I think I feel the same way about Hamed. He's a nice guy, a young dude, but his appeal is with straight-up Iroonis, not really relatable to us Iranian-Americans who've grown up here.

Former Cal-Berkeley coach Ben Braun has made another imported Irooni hoopster his prize recruit. Although Arsalan Kazemi was born in Iran -- the first athlete to play NCAA Division 1 basketball born in Iran -- he went to high school here. A Top 100 recruit from the Class of 2009, Kazemi turned down scholarship offers from the likes of the University Maryland, a traditional powerhouse. That decision was rather disappointing, with U of M's huge Persian student population, but I guess Rice is a fitting name of a school for a Persian to attend.

Props to Golden State for doing this - Haddadi doesn't even play for 'em for crissake. Zahmat kesheedan. According to their website the event is already sold out, but head to its Facebook event page to see if you can squeeze in. They may be the Bay Area's NBA franchise, and not the Lakers, but all can still show the big man some California Love.

UPDATE: Okay, turns out Hamed didn't even suit up. Sat at the end of the bench for the entire game with some injury. He's their Twelth Man anyway (sounds like 'Twelth Imam', lulz!) AndTehrAngles hearthrob Farshid Amin got to sing the National Anthem at the Oracle Arena. In the clip there you'll see him nearly forget the words, but recovered nicely without jeers or a Roseanne crotch-grab.

UPDATE2: For a comprehensive, non-Persian recap on the night, read up on this heartwarming article from b-ball magazine SLAM.