Vladdio... No Scammer Agenda - Just Scammer Fun

How To Hide Blood Stains on Your Pool Cover

2011-09-15T06:27:00.000-07:00

....it's really easy!

From: jack dawson [mailto: dawsonj11@gmail.com ]
Sent: Monday, March 07, 2011 11:07 AM
Subject: Sales Inquiry

On 3-7-11, Jack Dawson wrote:
Hello I will like to know if you sale Loop-Loc pool Covers in your shop if yes then let me know the prices and also the type of Cc that you accept as payment,Thanks hope to read back from you ASAP so we can proceed early.

Regards,
Jack.

On 3-7-11, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Jack,

Yes we carry a full line of stock and custom pool covers.

Since this is March, I have to assume that you are most interested in our Model 5585 Rum Mesh Cover with Electric Spring and Parsley Davit Anchors. This is the most popular cover for this time of year.

This lists for $3,950. Standard discount is 35%. You price is $2,567.50 plus shipping.

We take all major credit cards.

Please let me know if you’d like one of our award winning catalogues. We carry over 110,000 covers.

Thank you.

Iago Grope
Sales Manager
Vladdio Pool Covers

On 3-8-11, Jack Dawson wrote:
Subject: Total Cost Needed

Hello Iago thanks for the response I want you to get back to me with the total cost for the order below excluding freight cost cause I will recommend a freight company to you who will be in charge of the handling and packaging when everything is in order okay :

Model 5585 Rum Mesh Cover with Electric Spring and Parsley Davit Anchors $2,567.50 Qty 2:pcs Needed.

Thanks hope to read back from you asap so we can proceed early.

Regards,
Jack.

On 3-8-11, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Jack,

Thank you for your order.

Your total price for 2 units of our Model 5585 Rum Mesh Cover with Electric Spring and Parsley Davit Anchors is $5,135.00.

Please let me know the following at your earliest convenience:

- Name and contact information of your shipper.
- Delivery address.
- All payment information
- Are both covers to be braided? Yes or No
- Are both covers to be Non-bi-mechanical? Yes or No
- Is there a grant number I will need to componderate? What is the number?
- Please select a mesh color: Green, Gray, Blue, Slimp, Molt, Black, Teep, or Red

We have the covers in stock and are ready to ship as soon as we receive the above information.

Thank you again.

Iago Grope

On 3-8-11, Jack Dawson wrote:
Subject: Shipping Assistance Needed

Hello Iago,
Thank you for the response am okay with the total cost.I want both covers to be Braided and also they should be Non-bi-mechanical .I will like you to go ahead and contact Simex Air And Cargo Afrique via email simexairafrique@yahoo.com or airafrique@coolgoose.com for the freight cost to the address below:

Rev. John Mills
The Mission House
32 Eastern Main Rd
San Juan,
Trinidad - 674-2287

Kindly go ahead and contact Simex Air And cargo Afrique with the pick up address,the delivery address as well as the total weight so they can get back to you with the freight cost so I can know how much it will cost me to have them ship.Hope I get to hear from you asap with the freight cost so we proceed.

Regards.
Jack Dawson.

On 3-8-11, Vladdio wrote to the “shippers”:
Dear Shippers,

Future Pool Cover Owner, Jack Dawson, has instructed me to contact both of you to give us the very best prices for shipment of a parcel to Trinidad.

I am not in the habit of pitting one shipping company against another in an attempt to get the lowest prices, however Jack Dawson seems to think that this is the best course of action. I think it is low and unconscionable but I’m not paying the bills. He is.

Here is the information you need to determine shipping costs.

Pick-up address:
Vladdio Pool Covers
2600 Eskimo Pie Blvd.
Wunderkind, MT 59106

Delivery address:
Rev. John Mills
The Mission House
32 Eastern Main Rd
San Juan, Trinidad - 674-2287

Weight: 825 lbs (including pallet)
Dimensions: 48” x 48” x 40 “ high
APGAR: 6

Gentleman, please keep in mind that your company will be chosen not just on your best price but also on the speediness of your delivery. Also I believe that Jack Dawson is not above taking a bribe.

Let the bidding begin.

Iago Grope

From: Simex Air Afrique [mailto: simexairafrique@yahoo.com ]
Subject: RE: Shipping Assistance Needed

On 3-8-11, the “shipper” wrote:

Attn:Iago Grope,
SIMEX AIR AND CARGO AFRIQUE.
Dear Vladdio,
Thank you for choosing Simex Air And Cargo AFRIQUE(R).The best choice for guaranteed delivery of your packages.Our highly trained agents at Simex Air And Cargo AFRIQUE(R) take pride in making sure your package arrives in exactly the same condition it was shipped,and your satisfaction is guaranteed.We are sending the freight quote to you through this id of ours because due to some reason we are not able to send the quote from the other id of ours.

After viewing and calculation the pickup & delivery Information along without the dimension/weight;we provide a Flat Freight Rate for the transportation:

Pickup Info - Vladdio Pool Covers
2600 Eskimo Pie Blvd.
Wunderkind, MT 59106

Delivery Info - The Mission House
32 Eastern Main Rd
San Juan , Trinidad - 674-2287

We came out with a total cost of $2,190.50 which price breakdown are as follows,

Freight charges - $ 900.15
Custom & Duty charges - $ 575.20
V.A.T & Other Tax charges - $ 355.00
Handling charges - $ 350.15
Total charges - $2, 190.50
All currency is in USD.

Simex Air And Cargo AFRIQUE only accepts payment via Bank transfer.It's our company policy to received payment from your company only which is the pick up location and payment must be made before a pickup can be Schedule via E-mail or Fax.We will forward you all the necessary shipping document as soon as we received the fund.

NB:Just inform us if you are ready to make the payment and will forward you
our Account Dept address to proceed with the payment.If there is anything else
you will like to know,do not hesitate to contact us about it because customer
satisfaction is our aim.

Thank you once again for using SIMEX AIR AND CARGO AFRIQUE.If there are any questions you will like to know,do not hesitate to let us know because customer satisfaction is our aim.

Mr.Alex Clench
Freight and Logistics Manager (world freight)
International Shipping Department.

On 3-9-11, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Jack,

I’m sorry to have to tell you that only one of the two shippers contacted me with freight costs. Cargo Afrique did not.

This might be for the best. Very often when a shipper fails to respond to freight cost requests it means that they are lazy and inefficient and unworthy of your business. I would forget about them and never contact them again. If they contact you and continue to pester you, you may contact me for assistance. I know of some very tough people who can put enough pressure on them so they would never ever bother you again.

I believe that Simex Air could very likely handle the job. And if at the end of our association Simex does not perform to your satisfaction, my tough friends can pay them a visit as well. They ask nothing in terms of payment as they also work in procuring “donated” organs for the black market.

Below you will find a quote for shipping from a Mr. Alex Clench. It is $2,190.50.

Let me know when I can expect payment info for the covers.

Also, nothing will ship until you tell me what colors you want. Again they are Green, Gray, Blue, Slimp, Molt, Black, Teep, or Red. Please choose a color right now. I suggest Slimp, Molt or Red. They stand up best when braided.

Iago

On 3-9-11, Jack Dawson wrote:
Iago,
Thank you for the response,I will like the red color and do go ahead and get back to me with the total cost for the product and the shipping so I can go ahead and let you have my credit card details for the charges.

Regards.
Jack Dawson

On 3-9-11, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Jack,

As I told you before the price of the 2 covers is $5,135.00.

In my last email I told you that the shipping is $2,190.50.

Normally my customers pay the freight charges separate from the material cost. You’re not suggesting that I should pay the shipping costs. Are you?

Iago

On 3-9-11, Jack Dawson wrote:
Iago,I want you to pay for the freight on my behalf so I want you to have my credit card details for the total charges.

Jack Dawson

On 3-9-11, Vladdio wrote:
Jack,

This is a very unusual request.

I talked it over with some of my associates and we all agreed that if we were to do this as a service to you there should be a convenience fee attached to it.

We therefore propose the following:
- 2 covers - $5,135.00.
- Shipping - $2,190.50.
- Convenience Fee - $450
- TOTAL - $7,775.00

In addition, myself and my 2 associates request the following:
- Bob Babarann (Associate #1) - $25 for Girl Scout Cookies (for his daughter’s fund-raiser)
- Duke Oafearl (Associate #2) - $25 for Christmas Wrapping Paper (for his son’s fund-raiser)
- Iago Grope (ME! – Associate #3) - $25 for crack cocaine (I don’t have any kids but I do enjoy crack cocaine)

This last request totals $75. Add that to the other total and you get $7,850.00

If this is acceptable to you, we have a deal.

Please let me know your payment information.

Iago

PS. By the way, I think choosing RED as a color for the cover is a great idea. You will see absolutely NO blood stains ever.

On 3-10-11, Jack Dawson wrote:
Iago,
That is okay with me and I will even like to buy crack for other family members of yours.So do go ahead and get back to me with the review total cost again so I proceed with the payment.

Regards.
Dawson

On 3-10-11, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Jack,

I’m not exactly sure how I should take your comment. Are you deliberately trying to be funny? I know I spoke out of line in my previous email and I regret the faux pas. I was hoping you might have just skipped over it and not even mentioned it. Now that the cat is out of the bag, please know that I am aware of my own problems and I work to correct it daily. And I would appreciate it if you never speak of it again. And since I am doing you a big favor in handling the shipping, I think it’s not too much to ask.

About the payment, the total is $7,925.00

Please forward your payment information ASAP.

Thanks.

Iago

On 3-23-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Jack,

It’s now 2 weeks since I heard from you.

Are you still interested in our pool covers? The price may be going up soon so now is the time to buy.

Iago

On 3-24-11, Jack Dawson wrote:
Hello Lago thanks for the response do get back to me with your direct phone number so that I will call and give you my Cc details for the full payment,Thanks hope to read back from you asap so we can proceed early.

Regards,
Jack.

On 3-24-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Jack,

I certainly hope you’re not confusing me with another supplier. My name is not “Lago”. It’s “Iago”. It rhymes with “parsnip”. (Don’t ask me why. Something about the phonetics of Latvia.)

We are presently forbidden from giving out our telephone number. Mr. Diomerde believes that the US Drug Enforcement Agency may have our lines tapped. Therefore all correspondence must come via email.

For a summary of the respective costs, see below in the previous emails.

Please don’t dawdle. Prices may rise.

Iago Grope

The Subject is HELLO!

2011-08-26T17:42:00.000-07:00

....when you might have thought it was MONEY!

From: Ben 2006 [mailto: ben.2006@att.net ]
To: undisclosed recipients:
Subject: Hello!

On 3-1-11, Benjamin Mtuli wrote:
From: Mr. Benjamin.
Department of Mineral Resources
Republic of South Africa

Hello!

Please I have a business deal for you, do read the attached letter and see if you can work with us in actualizing the project.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Best Regards,

Mr. Benjamin

Department of Minerals & Energy

Tel: +27-71-xxx-xxxx

On 3-1-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Benjamin.

I am very much interested in helping you in this endeavor.

Please let me know what you might need me to do.

I read your attached letter and I completely understand your predicament. However if you are soliciting others to help you, keep in mind that I would be willing to take a smaller percentage if necessary. Perhaps 22%?

If on the other hand, you are not asking others for help, I would like to know if you can increase my percentage to 28%.

Also, I am presently “between phones”. Therefore all business must be conducted via email.

Thank you.

Quaylon Potpie
Senior Accounts Manager
Vladdio Hyperbolic Engineering, Ltd.

PS. What is your last name if your first name is Benjamin?

From: Ben 2006 [ mailto:benjamin2006@live.co.za ]
Subject: The Procedure and I Need A Green Light To Proceed Further With You.

On 3-8-11, Benjamin Mtuli wrote:
From: Mr.Benjamin
Private E-mail: benjamin2006@live.co.za
Contact Number: +27-71-xxx-xxxx

Attn: Quaylon Potpie.

Dear Sir,

This is in accordance with your mail response regarding the business deal proposal which I sent you, I just want to appreciate your interest in working with us in this lucrative and profitable deal and at the same time want to highlight that this transaction requires 100% commitment in all corollary, so for this, it makes this transaction very huge and not something to play with, please do bear with me for my language. In addition, I want to apologize for the late response, my team was representing the department on a conference in Kenya, so we only arrived yesterday evening.

However, the amount involved is $34.7M United States dollars only, and at the moment the fund in question is still the bank vault awaiting application for claim, so all we want to do now is to effect an immediate change of beneficiary of the contract sum to your name and have the fund moved for our use, I want you to know that as far as we am concerned, no one knows about the existence of this fund except you and my colleagues.

Meanwhile, before we can proceed in this voyage, you have to furnish us with some vital information that will be helpful for the success of this project. these information I will be requesting, will help in the procurement of all relevant legal instruments/contract documents that will legally make you a contractor and the bona-fide beneficiary of this fund. Note that I will engage the services of an attorney here and I will take care of the attorney because the attorney will be representing you here and also he will be in charge to secure/procure all the required documents from the high court of justice and other government institution concerned.

I want you to know that the fund in question will come to you as an unclaimed/unpaid contract fund, so you have nothing worry about okay because everything will be done legally and legitimately, so for this I urge to furnish me with the below listed information so that we can proceed without wasting time.

1). I need a copy of your international passport or a copy of your driver's license, (scanned).
2). Your office or residential address.
3). I need your personal/direct telephone/fax numbers.
4). What is your profession?
5). What is your marital status?
6). Do you have investment account co-ordinates where this fund will be transferred?

As a matter of urgency, I want you to furnish me with the above listed information in the next 24 hours please, so that we can start work in this project and I will be making an immediate contact to some international business attorneys here and see what their services is like, then I will compare their requirements, but please send this immediately and do ring me as soon as the information has been sent.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Best Regards,

Mr. Benjamin
Department of Minerals & Energy
Tel: +27-71-xxx-xxxx

On 3-8-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Benjamin,

In answer to your requests…. You’re making this all a bit difficult.

1). I need a copy of your international passport or a copy of your driver's license, (scanned). I have a passport (aren’t they all international?), not a driver’s license, but it may take me a few days to get it scanned.

2). Your office or residential address.
My office address is
1901 North 15,551st Street
Numero Uno, New York 11208

3). I need your personal (I never give out my personal number)/direct telephone (I can give this to you when it becomes absolutely necessary)/fax numbers (I’d rather not have faxes come to me at my office. I want to keep this arrangement private. I’ll purchase a personal fax machine if you believe it’s important).

4). What is your profession? Senior Accounts Manager of Vladdio Hyperbolic Engineering – Current project is Rust Observation.

5). What is your marital status? I don’t know why this matters to you but if you must know, I am single. If you have any good leads, I might be interested.

6). Do you have investment account co-ordinates where this fund will be transferred? Yes I do.

I too am eager to move along in this endeavor. Let me know what else you need.

And by the way, you never told me if Benjamin is your first name or your last name. As you can see Potpie is my last name but some people assume it’s my first name. I don’t know why.

You have a GREEN LIGHT from me. Time to boogie.

Quaylon

From: Ben 2006 [mailto: benjamin2006@live.co.za ]
Subject: Project Update

On 3-8-11, Benjamin Mtuli wrote:
From: Mr.Benjamin Mtuli
Private E-mail: benjamin2006@live.co.za
Contact Number: +27-71-xxx-xxxx

Attn: Quaylon Potpie.

Dear Sir,

Thanks for your swift response, and I want you to understand that I am not making things difficult rather all that I have requested from you are very vital for the success of this project and without these information we cannot secure/obtain all the relevant legal documents that will back this project.

Secondly, passport is passport, so if you have a passport it is okay and all you have to do is forward me a scanned a copy before Thursday this week, and it is very important you secure a private fax line because some institutions concerned in this project will prefer to communicate through fax, so it is very vital you secure the fax line.

However, I have noted all the provided information and we will be meeting with the attorney this evening to start the execution process of this project and by tomorrow I will highlight you on the outcome of the meeting and the progress so far, but don't forget to furnish me with the copy of your passport.

Thanks for your co-operation.
Best Regards,

Mr. Benjamin Mtuli.
Department of Minerals & Energy
Tel: +27-71-xxx-xxxx

On 3-8-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Ben,

Thank you for giving me a few days to secure access to a scanner and a fax machine. I directed my man-servant, Chickie (he is also my brother…. It’s a long story) to get me a fax machine.

The way I calculate it, 28% of 34.7 million US dollars is $9,716,000. I told Chickie to get the very best fax machine money can buy. I don’t believe that it should cost me more than a thousand dollars. But that’s nothing compared to the money I will be receiving, right?

In the mean time, is there anything else I can be doing to speed the process along?

I really don’t want any delays once you receive all of my information.

Quaylon

PS. I noticed that your last name is Mtuli. You probably know this but that is a very common name. We have a Boswell Mtuli working here in our offices. Also my mailman’s name is Mtuli – but that’s his first name. I also know a prostitute named Mtuli. Her first name is Simone, but everybody calls her Lefty. Care to guess why?

On 3-10-11, Benjamin Mtuli wrote:
Sir,

Thanks for your responses to proceed further in this transaction with you and I promise you will not regret it if we work with mutual acuity, understanding and commitment and I believe you understood all the details on how this transaction will be executed without any form of Snag.

So do find attached the claim application letter which you will have to send to the CRT for the initial claim, do download the attached claim letter, fill in your name and other required details and forward the application to the CRT on the email address stated on the application.

As you transmit the application letter to the CRT, please be at alert on your email or fax as the CRT will send you the Dormant Account application form to fill, like I wrote in my previous mail which will enable them start the whole process.

Furthermore, in the issue of mode of sharing of the fund, I want you to know that I am a man of integrity and as the case has been, there is no need of being greedy because no man is an island, I needed someone to make this a success and that someone happens to be you, like they all always say, every laborer deserves wages and since both of us has major roles to play in this project, the sharing proportion will be like this. So Sir, I have decided to offer you 25% of the total money and 75% for us, It is like this because we initiated this business deal and we believe that this sharing proportion is quite good from our own point of view, or what do you think?

Please it is very important you keep me posted on any development from the CRT and please in no circumstance will the CRT have an idea that I am involved in this claim, so take heed.

Thanks for your co-operation.

Best Regards,

Mr. Benjamin Mtuli.
Department of Minerals & Energy
Tel: +27-71-xxx-xxxx

N/B: Do not forget to inform me as soon as you have forwarded the completed application to the CRT, and do furnish me as well with your direct contact telephone numbers and you can as well reach me on the specified contact number above.

(I got seriously distracted at this point and never followed up.)

Agent Fubar

2011-08-19T18:33:00.000-07:00

....hot on the trail of them Ghanaian Scammers!

From: bob white [mailto: bob.white247@gmail.com ]
Sent: Tuesday, February 08, 2011 4:13 PM
Subject: info needed

On 2-8-11, Bob White wrote:
Hi good day,

I will like to know if you carry out pool fence services..

Look forward to you response.

Regards,
Bob
4241 Mcnamara Way
City : Sacramento
95825 ,CA
phone:760-xxx-xxxx

On 2-9-11, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Bob,

Yes we do carry out pool fence services.

Unlike many of our competitors, we go that extra mile to satisfy our customer’s needs. And in your case, we go that extra 3000 miles.

Let me know exactly what you need and I’ll write up a proposal for you.

Thanks.

Simba Witz
Service Manager
Vladdio Pool Fence Service

On 2-10-11, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Bob,

Are you still interested in our service? Please get back to me ASAP.

Thanks.

Simba

On 2-10-11, Bob White wrote:
Yes I am interested and what are the sizes that you can have costume for me..

Bob

On 2-10-11, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Bob,

Regarding your question about sizes….

We carry a full line of sizes from 35” to up and including 87”. We can of course customize each size according to the conditions of the crank and flow.

We’ve found that the 44” and the 53” work well in all positions from flout to grimmel.

Let me recommend that you order 150’ of 44”. The Blue and the Blush colors are the most popular. I’ll need you to make a decision about that as I can’t really recommend one over the other.

The price is $14.95 per foot bringing this to a total of $2,242.50

If you find that the 44” is not to your liking we can exchange it at a small return fee. But truly, I’m fairly certain 44” will work for you.

I will need to know how and where you would like this shipped, what payment terms you prefer, and of course the color.

I look forward to hearing back from you.

Thank you.

Simba.

On 2-10-11, Bob White wrote:
I will like to go in for 44' and hope you can put the charges on my mastercard or visacard.. with the total amount of $2,242.50 and how soon can this order can be ready

Bob

On 2-10-11, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Bob,

The material you asked about is in stock and is normally ready to ship in 24 hours. However we’ve recently discovered that our online catalogue, accessible through our website, has been hacked by Ghanaian scammers. We were forced to shut it all down (our website too) and we are, even now, redoubling our IT branch to cover losses and repair the vandalism.

Fortunately, government techs from the Department of Science knew about this even before we did and they imposed a kind of martial law at our main headquarters as soon as we found out that we were hit. No one comes in and no one goes out. Apparently (and I didn’t know this) besides being the home of the sloppiest people in the world Ghana is also the world’s hub of the internet’s dopiest scammers and biggest losers. These government types have countless stories about Ghana. I don’t think I’ve ever heard so many dirty jokes and clever insults about one group of people in my whole life. For example, here’s a mild one: Question: How many Ghanaians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: Please don’t say the word “Ghanaian”. It gets me sick to my stomach.

I think you and I should be glad to be from a country like the USA where vomiting is not a spectator sport. It is in Ghana.

Anyway, to answer your question, yes we take MasterCard and VisaCard. Please let me know how you would like to handle shipping.

We expect to be up and running in a few more days. Agent Fubar says they have pretty good intelligence on the idiot Ghanaian scammers and they should have warrants issued for them before the weekend. None of this affects you in any other way, of course, since you’re in California. (I’m in North Carolina.) And I’m sorry to prattle on so, but it’s not everyday I run into Ghanaian scammers. Y’know, I even heard they have tails!

Simba

PS I must know what color you decided on. Blue or Blush? By the way, Rook is also a nice color.

On 2-12-11, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Bob,

Great News! The G-men here wrapped up their investigation late last night and your order is ready to ship.

(I guess the government of Ghana caved to US demands to crack down on these stupid Ghanaians – I heard even their shadows smell funny. They’re sending out animal wranglers to round them up. They used to use cattle prods but it turns out they liked it. Now they just wave bars of soap and deodorant at them. That gets them moving.)

So send me your payment info as soon as you can.

Hey – God Bless America, right? We should thank our lucky stars that we were born this far from an armpit like Ghana.

Simba

He Assured Me That It Wasn't A Scam

2011-08-15T19:32:00.000-07:00

....and that's how I knew it wasn't a scam!

From: scott warrick [mailto: scottwarrick2@gmail.com ]
Sent: Tuesday, January 25, 2011 6:30 PM
Subject: Re: ORDER

On 1-25-11, Scott Warrick wrote:
I need this Toilet Paper Saver Product Number: TP-01 and What is the price of one..

On 1-26-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Scott,

Your inquiry regarding The Toilet Paper Saver Model TP-01 has been forwarded to me.

We are the premier toilet paper accessory company in North America for the past 135 years.

I would like to send you our 2011 catalogue which boasts over 600 pages of over 175,000 toilet and toilet paper accessories. Please give us your address in a response email.

Meanwhile, in answer to your question, the Model TP-01 is available for $5.51 each plus shipping.

Additionally we have the following items on close-out special:

Model TP-4044R - Toilet Paper Recycling Kit: $39.35 each
Model TP-507 GQ - Toilet Paper Stain Remover: $19.95 (pack of 12)
Model TP-99-98 GQ - Toilet Paper Disposal Bow Tie (clip-on): $14.95 (pack of 30)
Model TP-114 PPSAT - Toilet Paper Child Forensic Science DNA Swipe Kit: $34.95

Thank you for your interest in our products and please don’t hesitate to contact me with any other toilet related questions.

Bethanne Fettamine
Sales
Vladdio Toilet Paper Products, LLC
“Number One for All of Your Number One and Number Two Paper Needs”

On 1-26-11, Scott Warrick wrote:
Subject: Re: Toilet Paper Saver Product Number: TP-01

I want this Model TP-4044R - Toilet Paper Recycling Kit at the price of $39.35 and I will
need 100unit of them?What will be the Total cost including Taxes?hat types of payments do you accept?Thank you and waiting for your reply.

Regards,
Scott..

On 1-26-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Scott,

I asked our accounting department to work on your question and using a proprietary mathematical formula, they came up with an answer.

$3,935.00

There is no tax on any human waste elimination products or accessories thanks to the Escobar-Fleeber Act of 1912.

We accept ALL major credit cards for payment.

Please let me know how you would like to proceed.

Thank you.
Bethanne Fettamine
Sales
Vladdio Toilet Paper Products, LLC
“Number One for All of Your Number One and Number Two Paper Needs”

On 1-26-11, Scott Warrick wrote:
Hello,
Thanks for the email and i appreciate that.Yes i want to go ahead and proceed with order and shipping.Regarding the shipping, i will be shipping them to my Client Marry F Jones in ( Norway ) and I recommend you contact the Live express air freight and find out about the shipping charges from your location to this delivery address below.

Marry F Jones
Grimstad Plant
Televeien 1 4879
Grimstad, Norway

And this is the contact for the shipping as well:
Name Of Company: Live express air freight
Email: liveexpressairfreight@yahoo.com

The freight company will be at your location for pick up.I want you to contact them and find out about the shipping cost and email me back with the subtotal of the units plus the shipping cost as well.Thank you and waiting for your prompt responds.

Regards,
Scott..

On 1-26-11, Vladdio wrote to the “shipper”:
Dear Live Express Air Freight,

I need a price quote for merchandise to be shipped from our facility to a customer in Norway.

Please note:

Pick up at:

Vladdio Toilet Paper Products, LLC
Gravity Ping Industrial Park
Unit 2
12000 Goiter Dance Blvd
Jalapeno, RI 02817

See below for Destination.

Size of container: Pallet 42” x 42” x 54”
Weight (including pallet): 1250 lbs.

Thank you.

Bethanne Fettamine
Sales
Vladdio Toilet Paper Products, LLC
“Number One for All of Your Number One and Number Two Paper Needs”

On 1-26-11, the “shipper” wrote:
From: Liveexpress Freight [mailto: liveexpressairfreight@yahoo.com ]
Subject: Freight Quote

Live Express Air freight

Thank you for contacting Live express air freight, we are always at your services,Linking packages worldwide.International Air freight shipping quote Door to door delivery.

Pick Up From
Vladdio Toilet Paper Products, LLC
Gravity Ping Industrial Park
Unit 2 12000 Goiter Dance Blvd
Jalapeno, RI 02817.

To

Delivery TO
Marry F Jones
Grimstad Plant
Televeien 1 4879
Grimstad, Norway

Weight :@ (including pallet): 1250 lbs..

container: Pallet 42” x 42” x 54”

Shipping: $1,600.00
Taxes: $200.00
Customs Duties: $400.00
Pick up: $150.00
Handling: $300.00

Total: USD $ 2,650.00

Prices Include Taxes and Duty Charges.

We appreciate this opportunity to offer our quotation for the above shipment. Please note that all pricing is based on current tariff(s) and the cargo specifications as noted and is subject to change based on current tariff(s) and the cargo specifications. The above rate is valid for 7 days and is not a guarantee of service .

We would like you to know that before any pick up is made all payments should be made to our financial manager at the Head Office.As soon as payment is confirmed by our financial manager in the delivery location, We would then contact you to give us a specific date and time for us to come for the pick-up. It takes approximately 2 to 3 days delivery when picked up.

We look forward to serving you to your fullest satisfaction.

Thank You
David Wilson(Pricing and Booking Team Manager)
Live Express air Freight.

On 1-26-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Scott,

The freight company you recommended must be extremely efficient. I received a price quote within 12 hours and for us, that’s very fast. I congratulate you on a good choice.

See below for there pricing.

Let me know when I can receive your payment information.

Also, I noticed that this shipment will be received by a Marry F. Jones. I recall that a Norwegian woman of that same name was an Olympic Cross-Country Skier. Is this the same person? Please let me know. My son is an avid skier and would love to know that THE Marry Jones is handling one of our orders.

Thanks

Bethanne Fettamine
Sales
Vladdio Toilet Paper Products, LLC
“Number One for All of Your Number One and Number Two Paper Needs”

On 1-27-11, Scott Warrick wrote:
Thank you for your email and the wonderful customer service you have provided me so far, I really appreciate it and I would like to move on with payment for the total cost. I would like you to email me back to confirm the total cost once again before I make this payment today.

Regards.
Scott..

On 2-2-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Scott,

The total for this order is as follows:

Material: $3,935.00
Shipping: $2,650.00

If you were to pay this altogether, your total would be $6,585.00

If you would like for us to handle the freight payment to your shipper we add a service fee of $400. The new total would then be $6,985.00

One last thing. I asked you about Marry F. Jones whom we know to be an Olympic skier. I also noticed that the freight manager’s name is David Wilson. And of course your own name is Scott Warrick. It can be no coincidence that ALL 3 names, which you’ve given to me as principals in this order are ALL famous Olympians. David Wilson is, of course, a household name as gold medalist in Tug-of-War and Ice Fishing. And Scott Warrick is most notable as a Gold medalist in the summer games rodeo hog tying and tight rope.

Again, this is either an amazing coincidence that all of these names of famous sportspersons, or that there is a scam going on at your end.

As much as I would appreciate your business, I need assurance from you that this is not a scam and that you are all in fact who you say you are. And if you are all indeed part-time sports heroes, I would like to know if I can have photos and/or autographs from all of you as my son and I are great fans.

Thank you and I look forward to hearing positively from you.

Bethanne Fettamine
Sales
Vladdio Toilet Paper Products, LLC
“Number One for All of Your Number One and Number Two Paper Needs”

On 2-2-11, Scott Warrick wrote:
Can you go ahead and provide me with you phone so that will give you a
call to discuss about my order..

Regards.
Scott..

On 2-2-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Scott,

I am on the road right now and I am unfortunately “between cell phones”. That mean that I lost mine.

(Actually, I dropped it in “The Grande Pit” at a community waste center in Bubba, TX. I’d been demonstrating the smoothness, flavor and pliability of our new product Ginger Snap Toilet Tissue. I was squatted over the tank when I stumbled and my cell tumbled in. Nothing gets a salesperson sicker than hearing that “Glurp” sound when their cell phone hits “the enemy” – that’s what we in the TP industry call shit.)

I call into the office for my messages 4 times a day until I can get a replacement phone. But fortunately I can still get my email via my Ipod. Let’s just continue that way.

So… you were going to reassure me that this is not a scam. Right?

Meanwhile, your order is crated and ready to ship, awaiting your email and payment information.

Thank you.

Bethanne Fettamine
Sales
Vladdio Toilet Paper Products, LLC
“Number One for All of Your Number One and Number Two Paper Needs”

On 2-2-11, Scott Warrick wrote:
Is not a scam...You can call me on # 206-xxx-xxxx ..

Scott..

On 2-2-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Scott,

I know for a fact that the 206 area code is in Washington State and that THE Olympic Rodeo Star Scott Warrick lives in Seattle.

It’s really you! Isn’t it?!?

Scott, I’m scheduled to be in Seattle next Monday and Tuesday and I would absolutely LOVE to meet with you!

If you can wait until then, I can answer any questions you might have in person. And to make it all the more enticing, I’ll even ship out the TP-4044R so that they arrive when I do. That way I can give you a hands-on demonstration. And let me make it even more enticing. Would you be interested in filming a “celebrity endorsement” for us? I’m certain we can make it worth your while. Think about it, but get back to me ASAP.

Bethanne

On 2-5-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Scott,

I’ll be arriving in Seattle Sunday evening.

I’m bringing about 200 photos of you for you to sign. Autographs, you know. It won’t take long, I promise. I’ll inspire you to sign very fast.

Would you like to meet for dinner? I know a place down near Pioneer Square that sells caribou steaks. My treat.

Let me know.

Bethanne

Australia - NOT AUSTRIA!!!

2011-08-14T19:20:00.000-07:00

....I think even a 4 year old boy knows that!

From: Luke McNie [mailto: lukemcnie@gmail.com ]
Sent: Monday, January 10, 2011 5:52 AM
Subject: Urgent Order

On 1-10-11, Luke McNie wrote:
Attn:Owner,
I am Luke and I want to place an order from your company i would like to
Buy some (Self Closing Gate)and i have this size for you .

i)Size: 5X15 75 sq.ft.
ii)Size:5X20 75 sq.ft.

if you have them in stock now please advise the cost of Each as well as the
type of credit card you accept for Payment and also if do not have them
available now what do you have in stock .please advise Thank You Have a Nice
Day.
Regards,
Luke

On 1-11-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Luke,

Thank you for your interest in our Self Closing Gates.

Unfortunately the sizes you are looking for are currently out of stock.

However we do have the following items in stock:

140’ of Heavy Duty Harrumph (galvanized) $1499 total
140’ of Topical Cream (pre-digested) $1545 total
210’ of Stamina (Red or Orange) $2650 total with saliva

I think you should probably order one unit of each. GRAND TOTAL is $5694.

Let me know how you would like this shipped.

Frank Parallel
Vladdio Gates and Stew, Inc.

On 1-11-11, Luke McNie wrote:
Thanks For Your Feedback.I Appreciate Your Concern In this Product And I Would Like To Buy The Once You Showed Me.

Thank You

On 1-11-11, Luke McNie wrote:
Hello .
Thank you for the .and i really appreciate.As at now it will be shipped to my Client so i will like you to contact a shipping company called Bedfordfairfreight as recommended regarding the shipping cost (Door to Door) to the address below,They will come to your location and make the Pick Up from you as soon as you get them at your store.

Here is the Delivery address:
25 Cromwell St,
Glen Iris, Victoria, 3146.
Australia

Here is the Contact Details for the Freight Company below,Send them an email and they will respond with a Quote:

Bedfordfairfreight Shipping Limited
Email: Bedfordfairfreightline@hotmail.com

Email me back with the total cost of the unit as well as the shipping cost so that i can proceed with payment with my credit card.Waiting for your email soon.

Thank You,
Luke

On 1-11-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Bedford,

Your company has been chosen out of over 10,000 disreputable shipping companies to handle the delivery of 140’ of Heavy Duty Harrumph, 140’ of Topical Cream, and 210’ of Stamina. (See below.)

I'm sure you are familiar with the specifics of this type of order. That is to say: the weight, the dimensions, the chuckles.

Please then - for the love of God! - send me they shipping costs. And keep in mind that this order will be going to Australia - NOT AUSTRIA!!!

I need to have pricing from you immediately. If you cannot get me the pricing fast enough - YOU'RE FIRED!!. You don't want me to say that, do you?

The pick-up location is:
9899 Sucking Chest Wound Drive
Tout Le Monde, GA 30306

Thank you.

Frank Parallel

On 1-12-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Luke,

I have not heard back from your shipper yet. I suspect they are either too busy to handle your business or too stupid.

I can recommend another shipper if you would like. I deal with Kangaroo Kontainers out of Brisbane whenever I ship to Australia – NOT AUSTRIA. In the many many weeks I’ve dealt with them they have only lost, damaged, or destroyed only 41 out of the 85 parcels I had placed with them. I’d call them pretty good odds.

Would you like me to contact them in order to get a shipping quote?

I will do this because we are coming close to the expiration dates on the Harrumph. And I don’t believe you or your customers would appreciate stale Harrumph.

Let me know what you’d like to do.

Frank.

On 1-12-11, Luke McNie wrote:
Thanks For The Reply and if you have hear form them email me back with the grant total cost of the unit as well as the shipping cost so that i can proceed with payment with my credit card.Waiting for your
email soon.

Thank You,
Luke

From: Shawn Kings [mailto: bedfordfairfreightline@hotmail.com ]
Subject: Freight Quote..

On 1-12-11, the “shipper” wrote:
Thank you for contacting Bedfordfair Shipping Limited, we are always at your services, Linking packages worldwide.International shipping quote Door to door delivery of 140’ of Heavy Duty Harrumph, 140’ of Topical Cream, and 210’ of Stamina.

From:
9899 Sucking Chest Wound Drive
Tout Le Monde, GA 30306

To:
25 Cromwell St,
Glen Iris, Victoria, 3146.
Australia

Shipping: $1100.00
Taxes: $270.00
Fuel : $190
Customs Duties: $350.00
Pick up: $460.00
Handling: $400.00

Total: $ 2,770.00

Prices Include Taxes and Duty Charges.

We appreciate this opportunity to offer our quotation for the above shipment. Please note that all pricing is based on current tariff(s) and the cargo specifications as noted and is subject to change based on current tariff(s) and the cargo specifications. The above rate is valid for 7 days and is not a guarantee of service .

We would like you to know that before any pick up is made all payments should be made to our financial manager at the Head Office.As soon as payment is confirmed by our financial manager in the delivery location, We would then contact you to give us a specific date and time for us to come for the pick-up. It takes approximately 2 to 3 days delivery when picked up.

We look forward to serving you to your fullest satisfaction.

Thank you,
Jonas Simpson
Bedfordfreight Limited.

On 1-12-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Luke,

I have copied the quote from the shipper below. Please note that they require payment prior to pick-up of the parcel.

Now I don’t ordinarily do this but I get a good feeling about you and I’d like to make a proposal to you.

Let me pay the freight charges up front. Then you can send me the price of the material ($5694) and the freight ($2770) for a total of $8,464.00. Then I can pay the shipper. I think this would speed up the delivery process.

I will ask for one thing in return. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m going to add a convenience fee – something like an extra $10,000 for my troubles. Am I right? Well, no I’m not going to ask for that. In fact I’m not going to ask for any additional fees. What I want is a letter of recommendation of sorts. An EMAIL of recommendation… of sorts.

Here is what I want it to say. (You can re-word it if you wish. Just remember to fill in the blanks.)

Dear President Obama,
It would give me, (put your name here. If you have a nickname, that would be better), great joy and happiness (in fact, it would give me actual physical pleasure) if you could take pity on my good friend, Frank Parallel. He is the finest, most honest person on the face of the earth and I get chills all over my body whenever I think about him. And I think about him constantly. The stories about Frank and Nancy Pelosi are just not true. In fact he gave her all of that money back and if he could bring her dog back to life he surely would. The photos and the recordings are all fakes. I know they are because I was with Frank on the night of October 27, 2009. And yes he did meet me a bit later than usual but that was only because he fell into an open pit at a rendering plant. And THAT’S how he got all of that blood on him.

Barack, (may I call you Barack), I would certainly give my life for Frank. I have already given him one of my kidneys. He is a wise, good, and true friend. He is like a father to my children and like a husband to my wife. I remember the time (and here is where you get to tell a story about when we were young together. I would recommend something not too political or gross.) Please bestow upon Frank a pardon. You can do it. I know you can and I know you will. I will definitely vote for you for a second term in office and I know Frank will too. In fact he told me that he voted for you 4 TIMES in the last election.

Have mercy on him, Mr. President.
Thank you.

Luke Skywalker McNie

I added “Skywalker” to your name. I think it will get more attention that way. (You might want to start using it anyway. It would be good for business.)

And Luke, thanks so much for doing this for me. It’s a pleasure working with you.

Frank

On 1-14-11, Luke McNie wrote:
I want to proceed with the payment so give me your number where i can reach you so that i can proceed with the payment,

Thank you,
Luke..

On 1-14-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Luke,

Thank you for your order.

The total is $8,464.00. This includes the shipping costs.

I should have told you this before but all of our correspondence must be via email. For religious reasons I am unable to use a telephone to speak directly to you. I know this sound peculiar but my religion, Gno Zoop Foryu, forbids any of its members from hearing the words of the blasphemers (that’s you) spoken directly into their ears (that’s my ears).

Please continue to conduct the rest of our business the way we have been so far.

Thanks for your understanding even though you are a heathen.

Frank.

PS. I’m still waiting for the letter you promised to write for me. Just attach it to the next email you send me.

On 1-17-11, Luke McNie wrote:
thank you for the reply and can you give me you office number so that
i would call to make the both payment to you today .

On 1-17-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Luke,

I think I'm one of those people who just happen to have to deal with stupid people all of the time so I'm really not too surprised by your last email.

If you're not too busy playing with puppies or coloring or skipping rope, you should go back and re-read the last thing I wrote to you. In it you'll learn that I am unable to use a telephone when communicating with you. This is primarily for religious reasons. However I truly hate to speak directly to idiots, and I think it’s safe to say that you fit into that category.

Please continue with the order via email. And please add a $250 moron fee to the total.

Thank you.

Frank

From: John Mckissock [mailto: j.mckissock@yahoo.com ]
Subject: Attn:Frank Parallel

On 1-17-11, John Mckissock – a new character – wrote:
Hello Dear,
I would like to make enquiry about the Order with Luke ,i am his associate and i would like you to understand that i would be taking care of the payment of his Order henceforth. So i need you to please verify the details below with the the cost of the items + the shipping so that we can get the ball rolling. Since i only have the total amount of $8,464.00 which includes all charges.

I need your confirmation of the order summary so that i can set the payment upfront with a credit card for you to get the order going and more over i would like to know the time frame in which you can get the order ready for shipping after processing the final payment.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thanks,
John Mckissock.
Sent from my Orange HTC Touch Pro2

On 1-17-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John,

How do you do?

As I told Luke in the previous emails, the costs are as follows:

The material ($5694) and the freight ($2770) brings the total to $8,464.00. Then add the moron fee (see my most recent email to Luke) of $250. This makes the Grand Total $8714.00.

Please note that the moron fee was set into the equation because of Luke’s inability to understand the most basic instructions. If you can verify that you are NOT a moron, I can remove that fee and just charge you $8464.

In your response email, please copy and paste the following:

“I am not a moron. I am at very least 8 times smarter than Luke. I dress myself in the morning and I have at least a 3rd grade reading level.”

If you fail to add this in the next email, just keep the total as $8714.00

In regards to the lead time, the material is ready right now for shipping. All I need is the go-ahead and payment information.

Thank you.

Frank Parallel

PS. My phone is also orange. I painted it for Halloween.

PSS. I was really hoping to get that letter of recommendation from Luke, but since I have learned – and you have confirmed - that he certifiably stupid, I am not counting on it. In fact at this point getting that kind of letter from him would probably do more harm than good. If you, on the other hand, could copy and send it to me, I would greatly appreciate it. I may even go so far as to make it worth your while. I could include one of my famous hand-drawn pictures of Dom Deluise riding on an alpaca. This might not make sense to you right now, but if you saw it, I’m sure you would love it.

Frank

On 1-24-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John,

You’re going to have to complete this order soon before I am forced to add a late fee ($50 for the first week and then $10 per day after that.).

Please let me know when I can expect payment.

Thank you.

Frank

On 1-25-11, John McKissock wrote:
OOO C'MON MAN WHAT ARE YOU? A 4 YR OLD BOI ? U F***IN RETARDED!!

The Death of The Countess Fandango

2011-08-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

...a minor character perhaps, but a pivotal one

-----Original Message-----
From: Mr. Usman Gue [mailto: mr_usman7@att.net]
Sent: Thursday, January 06, 2011 2:09 PM
Subject: As salam alaikum.

On 1-6-11, Usman Gue wrote:
As salam alaikum,

For your kind attention this message might reach you in utmost surprise,
however, I will be very glad if you do assist me to relocate a sum of
(US$6,200,000.00 Million Dollars) into your personal bank account for the
benefit of both of us.

This is a genuine business transaction, only I cannot operate it alone
without using a Foreigner as required in my bank law, therefore I am
contacting you to stand before my bank as the beneficiary next of kin of
this fund, that is my reason of contacting you in this manner to assist me
actualize this better opportunity, and also to share the benefit together
with me.

You will be entitled to have 30% of this fund as a foreign partner, since
you will provide a bank account where this money will be transferred to,
while 70% will be for me, by indicating your interest on assurance of trust,
I will send you the full details and how this business will be executed.

Please keep this proposal as a top secret between the both of us and delete
it immediately in your email box if you are not interested for the business.

I will be looking forward for your urgent response mrusman-a@in.com

Regards, in sincerity,
Mr Usman Gue

My private contact number: +22678342949.
Bookmark

On 1-6-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Usman Glue,

You have caught me at a most opportune moment. As it turns out I happen to be in need on $2,000,000 and, while normally suspicious of an offer such as yours, I am intrigued by both your bluntness and by your remarkable use of faux run-on sentences.

Please let me know the next step in this arrangement.

I am your humble servant.

Frock Stimple
Marketer Extraordinaire
Vladdio Lesions, Ltd.

On 1-7-11, Usman Gue wrote:
Subject: Peace be upon you,More clarification to this transaction

Peace be upon you,
My dear, how are you together with your family? I hope all is in a good health, Thank you for your kindly respond over my business proposal, I am very happy that you have received my proposal in a good faith as I expected, First and foremost, I am Mr, Usman A.Gue, from Burkina Faso in West Africa, the Audit and Account Manager Group bank of Africa (BOA) Ouagadougou Burkina Faso, Home address: Avenue Houari Boumedienne, Immeuble YAM 02 BP 5758 Ouagadougou 02- BF. Mobile Phone number, 0022679097288

I want you to bear in mind that this transaction business is not a childish game play, I choose you in this business because the claim of this fund must required a foreigner, Also I would like to let you know that you will be required to apply in my bank for the release and transfer of this fund into your account as the beneficiary next of kin to our deceased customer a Jordan nationality, as a matter of fact all I need is your maximum cooperation as well to provide a valid bank account where this money will be transfer to , the said fund is an abandoned fund belonging to our deceased foreign customer who was a victim of (Beirut Bound Charter) Jet Plane crash that happened on the 26th December 2003 in Cotonou (Republic of Benin), and he died along with his family.

I was opportune to see the deceased depositing file bearing this huge amount of money in my bank when I was inspecting the data’s and customer’s account files in other to sign and submit to the entire bank management for an official validation / re-documentation against the statement approval to the account holders in my bank for the year, In a swift investigation carried out by me, I found out that none of the deceased relative have come to claim this abandoned funds, of which if the fund continue remains as unclaimed fund my bank management will transfer the money into the treasure bank account as unclaimed fund.

In this, I want you to know that this money belongs to a foreign deceased customer, and it is only a foreigner that can have the full right to apply for the releasing of this fund in my bank, I am a banker here and I knew all the laws guiding my bank, I have gone through the deceased account file which is in my bank and find out that the deceased customer did not indicate any next of kin before my bank, for that reason all you need is to work with my guidelines so that we can achieve this better opportunity.

I can assure you that there is no involvement of risk in this transaction business hence you will follow my directions, we have 100% chance to claim this money into any bank account that you will provide to my bank, for assisting me to get this fund transferred into your bank account, the ratio of 30% of the total sum is for your share whereas 70% is for me as business pioneer, So do not exercise any atom of fear, and you have to maintain the most confidentiality of this transaction until the fund gets into your account and once the transfer is done, I will resign from my work and plan ahead of getting your country for the sharing of the fund accordingly.

Therefore I need your urgent response to these details on assurance of trust that you will not deny me my share once the fund is credited to your personal bank account, please if you are really sure of your integrity, trustworthy, and confidentiality, reply back to me immediately, also to prove your integrity sincerity of purpose, please, include your particulars as I required below.

As soon as I receive all this information from you, I will draft an application letter of claim and send to you for which you will use and apply in my bank for the immediate process of this transaction with my bank.

(1) Your Full names:
(2) Private phone number:
(3) Current residential address:
(4) International passport copy or ID card:
(5) Age and Sex:
(6) Occupation:
(7) Country of origin:

I will be looking forward to hear from you as soon as possible.

Best regards,
Mr, Usman A.Gue.
My private contact number: 0022679097288.

On 1-8-11, Vladdio wrote:
All Hail Discordia!

Dear Usman,

I hope things are well with you and your family in this new year and together – with God’s help – we both can take advantage of the violent death of a stranger to profit both physically and ethically. I am already learning much from you. For example, I didn’t realize that to you I am a foreigner. Where I live, in the United States of America, I always considered other people to be foreigners. And foreigners to me were ugly, dirty, smelly, mal-formed heathens with no moral values and no dental hygiene. Imagine now how I feel to count myself among them. I’m beginning to like it. (I’m even now entering my second day of neglecting my teeth.)

Usman, you have nothing to fear from me. You can count on, and trust me thoroughly. When the 6.2 million dollars is finally deposited into my new bank account, I will most certainly get 70% of it to you. I would be a low-life asshole and sleazy reprobate to take advantage of a new-found friend such as you, just as I’m compromising my principles to swindle a dead man’s money. I’m just not that kind of guy.

I guess the first step is getting the following information to you.

(1) Your Full names: I only have one name (I hope this isn’t a problem). That is Frocketty Calhoun Butterboy Stimple (But you can call me Frock!)
(2) Private phone number: I’d prefer at this time to keep this a secret. I’m immersed in a pizza delivery scandal and things could get ugly fast. Please be patient.
(3) Current residential address: 12 Ringworm Terrace, Parasite, TX 77216
(4) International passport copy or ID card: I never got around to getting one. I could if you insist but I usually just stow away when I travel overseas… less complicated… and cheaper.
(5) Age and Sex: 39 years old and I am a man (M)
(6) Occupation: Ombudsman for a Cheese Factory
(7) Country of origin: The United States of America

One last thing. I would like to call you to talk to you via telephone but I notice that your phone number (0022679097288) has no dashes between any of the digits. I suffer from a rare and painful webbed-finger disease and cannot dial phone numbers without pausing. Can you add a few strategic dashes to allow me to dial at a more leisurely rate. I would appreciate it.

Thank you for including me in your master plan. I know we can pull it off.

Your pal and co-conspirator,

Frock

On 1-8-11, Usman Gue wrote:
Subject: Peace be upon you,Can you handle this transaction?

Peace be upon you,
My dear brother thank you once again for your kindly respond, how are you and your family i hope fine, i have seen your personal information provided and i can see that you are matured enough to handle this transaction with me, my brother i am a real Muslim woman of 43 years old, and a God fearing man that depend on God, and my monthly salary from my work, i am married with 4 lovely children, but unfortunate my wife die since 8 years now, which i be came a widow, but since the death of my wife God have be merciful to me and my children, this is my 14 years working experience in the bank of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina Faso west Africa.

My dear brother i want you to understand that i can not introduce you to a transaction that will reverse back against me due to my reputation in my country and my work and the safety of my lovely 4 children, so i want you to feel free on anything concerned this operation and give me the better cooperation also you can call me on my personal phone number 0022678349249, so that we can be able to move ahead for this transaction, i want you to know that there is no involvement of risk in this transaction at all. What you need is to follow my guidelines until this fund will be transferred into your personal bank account, i know and i am optimistic that this transaction will uplift our financial status and bring good change into our life, Please you should maintain the most confidentiality of this transaction until the fund gets into your account, this business is a great opportunity and will need determination and great arrangement to succeed.

The arrangement which has already been made is my underground responsibility in the bank seeing that the whole process to be taken to achieve your approval and for the smooth transfer of this fund to your desired account is made without any conceivable hitch, So as it stands and to make this transaction a success, we should avoid delay and move ahead, in other words, what matters is for the both of us to use one mind and cooperate together to achieved this fund transfer into your personal bank account, actually i would like to let you know that i have laid a good trust in you with believed that you are not going to change your mind in other to betray me when once this money goes under your custody, at the same time before going into more details about this transaction.

I would like to know if you are capable of handling this transaction with me because there would be a little expense on the process of this transaction, as you can see this transaction worth millions of united state dollars, and it required a strong capable hand to handle it, this is an a better opportunity which is going to change our life and lift up our financial status as well, i will not like to make a childish game play with this transaction, so kindly reply back and indicate your full interest in this transaction, if you are really capable to handle it with me, before i will direct you to our bank management with the modalities which we are going to follow in other to achieve this fund successfully, so kindly reply back to me if you are capable of doing this transaction with me and with assurance of trust, i will be looking forward to hear from you as soon as possible.

My best regards,
Mr. Usman A. Gue.

On 1-8-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

I am very impressed with your most recent email and I believe higher powers are at work here in bringing us together for this task.

Let me first say that I grieve with you over the death of your wife. I know how badly that can make most people feel. My own wife died a couple of days ago and a lot of people around here are pretty upset over it. I’m keeping my own emotions in check until after our dog-racing season is officially over (in about 2 weeks). At that time I’ll probably feel the full brunt of her loss, although duck-hunting season starts soon and that too occupies much of my time and attention. My own 8 or 9 children (I tend to lose count) are – like yours – lovely. They are sad, of course, but still lovely.

Please note that I wish to move ahead with your offer as rapidly as possible. Tell me what is the next step.

Frock

PS. How did your wife die? My most recent wife died in dog race. My third wife died in a duck hunting accident.

On 1-8-11, Usman Gue wrote:
[mailto: mrusman-a@one.co.il]
Subject: Peace be upon you,Copy the below official application letter of claim and send to my bank.
Peace be upon you,
My dear brother how are you and your family once again and i am so happy of our understanding and i pray that God will help us to finalize this transaction before Monday next week if you could apply immediately to my bank with this official letter of claim that i have drafted for you and send to my bank management with out further delay because with God all things are possible, which i appreciate every of your good effort so far.
My dear brother i will also advice you to keep this transaction very secret from who ever around you because this is a claim you are making and it need absolute secret from who ever around you, because we are talking about a transaction worth millions of united state dollars ($6.2 million) in which it hasn’t to be secret in between the both of us.
My dear brother you should copy the application letter of claim which is below as per our telephone discussion and send it to my bank immediately, please try and send it through the bank email address information@boabkbf.org Call me as soon as you send it to enable me monitor the application in the bank and please try and keep the trust i have in you also let this transaction remain secret in between the both of us and do not think of how you will betray me when once this fund goes under your custody as i contacted you for the benefit of both of us and i believe that this transaction will bring a very good relationship to our both life and families in future.
Make sure that you always update me of your communication with my bank immediately you apply for this claim so that i will be guiding you on what to do in other not to make any mistake until we have this fund transferred in your personal account’s, please your maximum cooperation is all i need because we are talking of a transaction that involves millions of united state dollars, bellow is the official application letter for claim and you should copy it and send to our bank immediately and get back to me as soon as you send the application to our bank. i will be counting on you and my greetings to your family.
My best regards
Mr. Usman A.Gue.
______________________________________________________
OFFICIAL LETTER OF CLAIM

To Dr. Alpha Henson

The Foreign Remittance Director,

Group bank of Africa (BOA) Ouagadougou Burkina Faso West Africa

E-mail: information@boabkbf.org

Tele: 0022670017628.

WEB SITE: www.boaburkinafaso

Sir,
I am applying as the apparent next-of-kin to (late Mr. Salim Hussein Kambal Shunduk) who died on a plane crash in Benin . With his wife on 26th December 2003 He is holding the following information as the details of his bank account with your bank.

Account Number: 504016550001.

Account Name: Salim Hussein Kambal Shunduk.

I discovered from his filed documents that he had an unclaimed and balance account of Six million two hundred thousand United States Dollars (US$6.2M) deposited in your bank when he was alive.

As the extended relative/next of kin who is entitled to claim his balance, hereby wish to bring to your notice that I am applying for your bank management to release and transfer the balance account mentioned above into my bank account on due formalities and without delay. Let it be known to you as recorded in his file with your bank that deposited on the reason of expanding his business enterprise to Africa before the sudden death took him and his family away.

Upon the receipt of your positive response to this Claim’s request, I will send you my bank account details as well as you may require other data for the process and transfer of the funds. Hope my request will be granted by your management and further issue me the related forms and documents necessary for this claim.

I humbly apologies for this late request due to my commitments here and there and I thank your bank security guidance of this fund.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Frock.

On 1-9-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

I am preparing the email right now and will send copy it to you.

I’m glad to finally get this action underway. As I told you before I am completely trustworthy. If you know of any other banks that you’d like me to help you swindle money out of, please let me know. Because for as honest and stalwart as I am with you, a complete stranger from a backwards country, I am always eager to compromise my principles and jeopardize my very soul when it comes to dealing with establishments such as banks and foreign governments.

I won’t be able to call you, as you requested, since my phone is out for some overdue tune-up service and polishing, but I will contact you via email.

Also please note that you signed my name on the bank letter as “Mr. Frock”. My name is not “Mr. Frock”. Frock is my first name. Stimple is my last name. I believe you may risk discovery of our swindle if you use the last name “Frock”. As every American knows from mandatory grade school criminology classes, Mortimer “Double-Dumper” Frock was notorious for cheating thousands of West African banks out of millions of dollars back in the 1950’s. The fact that I was named in honor of him could send up some red lights with the bank security. I’m willing to take that risk since I have already experienced American Bank Fraud Prisons (14 years) and have – to a certain degree – enjoyed it. However, I prefer not to at this time (right in the middle of dog race season) and using it as my LAST name could settle the suspicion. Let’s get it right, OK?

You never told me how your wife died.

How did she die?

Frock

On 1-9-11, Vladdio wrote to "the bank"… with a few alterations to the form letter (high-lighted in BLUE):
OFFICIAL LETTER OF CLAIM

To Dr. Alpha Henson

The Foreign Remittance Director,

Group bank of Africa (BOA) Ouagadougou Burkina Fatso West Africa

E-mail: information@boabkbf.org

Tele: 00226700176284.

WEB SITE: www.boaburkinafatso

Sir,
I am applying as the apparent next-of-kin to (late Mr. Salami Hussein Kambal Shunduk) who died in a horrible plane crash in Benin. When investigators arrived at the crash site, packs of wild dogs were feeding on the charred body parts. Screams filled the air and what should have been a fun time for the investigators and looters, became a distracting drudgery. And by the way, his wife survived the initial crash but was killed when she got hit by a golf ball by some of the boys who were waiting for the full team to arrive. This was on 26th December 2003 – a shitty day for it to happen since it was the day after Christmas. He is holding the following information as the details of his bank account with your bank.

Account Number: 5040165500014.

Account Name: Salami Hussein Kambal Shunduk.

I discovered from his filed documents that he had an unclaimed and balance account of Sixty million two hundred thousand United States Dollars (US$6.2M) and forty-five cents deposited in your bank when he was alive. This doesn’t even count how much money he had deposited there after he died.

As the extended relative/next of kin who is entitled to claim his balance, I hereby wish to bring to your notice that I am applying for your bank management to release and transfer the balance account mentioned above into my bank account on due formalities and without delay. I would also like to continue to receive any calendars, commemorative mugs, inscribed pen sets, tote bags, and lollipops that would have gone to him. Let it be known to you as recorded in his file with your bank that deposited on the reason of expanding his business enterprise to Africa before the sudden and brutal but otherwise hilarious death took him and his family away.

Upon the receipt of your positive response to this Claim’s request, I will send you my bank account details as well as urine samples and you may require other data for the process and transfer of the funds. Hope my request will be granted by your management, whom I understand are borderline imbeciles and further issue me the related forms and documents necessary for this claim.

I humbly apologies for this late request due to my commitments here and there and I thank your bank security guidance of this fund.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Stimple, GED.

On 1-10-11, "the bank" wrote back:

GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

SIEGE SOCIAL: 770, AVENUE DU PRESIDENT ABOUBACAR SANGOULE LAMIZANA 01BP 1319 OUAGADOUGOU 01

TEL: 00226 70 01 76 28

FAX: 00226 50 34 36 41

EMAIL: boa-info-bf@mail.org

EMAIL: boabankofafrica@accountant.com

TELEX 504016550001EN CFA UEMOA (XOF)

WEB SITE: www.boaburkinafaso

DATE: 10/01/2011

(BOA) AUTOMATIC RESPOND /OFFICIAL ACKNOWLEDGMENT GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA

DEAR VALUE CUSTOMER.

THANK YOU FOR CONTACTING US. WE'RE RESPONSE TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOUR APPLICATION HAS ARRIVED TO THE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA) OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO WEST AFRICA SAFELY, THE AUTHORITY WILL RESPOND TO YOUR REQUEST AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

THE VOLUME OF YOUR REQUEST WE RECEIVED PREVENTS US FROM SENDING YOU AN IMMEDIATE HUMAN-GENERATED RESPONSE, BUT WE VALUE YOUR INPUT AND WE WILL ADDRESS YOUR CONCERNS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.

THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING.

MANAGEMENT BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)
================================================================================================================
Warning:
This e-mail and any attached files may contain privileged or confidential information. If you are not the intended addressee, you must not disclose, reproduce, copy, distribute, disseminate, use this communication or take any action in reliance thereon. Communication of any information in this e-mail to any unauthorized person may constitute an offence under the official secrets act (cap 213) please notify the sender immediately if you receive this by error.

MANAGEMENT GROUP BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

On 1-10-11, Usman Gue wrote:
Peace be upon you,
My dear brother regards to your forwarded message this evening about your submitting of the official application letter of claim to my bank management, my brother please you have to be very serious over this transaction and now that you have apply to my bank management, they may try you by sending you some other proposal of claim with another names of people and different amount of money to see if you will respond or not and attached is my passport.

What i mean is that my bank monitoring department may contact you through deferent means of email address with another names of proposal, so any other proposal you received from somebody with another name or different amount of money asking you to do any kind of transaction with him or her, please dont reply to the person just forward the message to me.

You can only reply to my message and the bank message which is written with the bank email address, i hope you understand me my brother because this is a better opportunity to us, as a matter of fact i can assure you that we stand a better chance to achieve this opportunity without disrupting your reputation in an way in your country and my own country.

My dear brother before the end of this week the total ($6.2 USD) million dollars will be transfer into your personal bank account number, because it is God that sent this great opportunity to the both of us and it will bring a good change into our both families, which our might God will help us finalize this transaction in good faith. Please your maximum cooperation is highly needed to achieve this goal, so all you have to do is to be checking your email box, always to know when my bank will answer your request regards to your application letter be submitted to their management.

My dear brother please make sure that you will be forwarding every message you will receive from my bank to me so that i will be guiding you on what you will be doing in other not to make any mistake while dealing with my bank, i will be hoping to hear from you as soon as you receive any mail from my bank and have a nice sleep.

My best regards,
Your Brother Mr, Usman A.Gue.

On 1-11-11, "the bank" wrote:

GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

SIEGE SOCIAL: 770, AVENUE DU PRESIDENT ABOUBACAR SANGOULE LAMIZANA 01BP 1319 OUAGADOUGOU 01

TEL: 00226 70 01 76 28

FAX: 00226 50 34 36 41

E- MAIL: information@boabkbf.org

E-MAIL: boa-info-bf@mail.org

E-MAIL: boabankofafrica@accountant.com

TELEX 504016550001EN CFA UEMOA (XOF)

WEB SITE: www.boaburkinafaso

DATE: 11/01/2011

GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA TRANSFER NOTIFICATION (BOA)

ATTENTION: MR. STIMPLE GED.

WE THE BOARD AND MANAGEMENT BANK OF AFRICA BURKINA FASO HEREBY TO INFORM YOU THAT WE ARE IN RECEIPT OF THE OFFICIAL APPLICATION LETTER OF CLAIM BEEN SUBMITTED TO OUR BANK DATED SUN, JAN 9, 2011 AT 2:32 PM.
THE APPLICATION FORM HAS BEEN FORWARDED TO THE APPROPRIATE BODIES OF CENTRAL BANK OF BURKINA FASO AND WE FINALLY ADVISED TO PROCEED ON HOW YOUR FUND SHOULD BE TRANSFERRED INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT WITHOUT HESITATING.

BE INFORMED THAT THIS NOBLE BANK MANAGEMENT HAS AN URGENT MEETING CONCERNING THE RELEASE AND APPROVAL OF YOUR INHERITANCE FUND CLAIM TODAY WITH THE CENTRAL BANK OF OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO FOR THE IMMEDIATE APPROVAL OF YOUR INHERITANCE FUND’S OF ($6.2 MILLION USD)

IN FINDINGS TO OUR FINAL MEETING TODAY BEING 11TH JANUARY 2011 WITH CONJUNCTION TO THE DECREED BY THE CENTRAL BANK GOVERNOR. IN-WHICH WE ARE INSTRUCTED TO INFORM YOU THAT BEFORE YOUR INHERITANCE FUND CLAIM COULD BE APPROVED FOR IMMEDIATE TRANSFERRED INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT WHICH WILL BE FILL IN THIS BOA FUND CLAIM DOCUMENT TOGETHER WITH BOA CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP DOCUMENT AS INDICATED ABOVE WITH THE LAW GUIDING THESE NOBLE BANK.

AUTHENTICATION PROCESS HAS DECIDED THAT YOU SHOULD COME DOWN IN PERSON TO OUR BANK MANAGEMENT AND SIGNS THE FINAL REMITTANCE WITH OFFICIAL DUTY STAMP FROM THE FEDERAL MINISTRY OF JUSTICE TO LEGALIZE THE PREVIOUS DOCUMENTS HENCE THE DEPOSITOR DOCUMENTS ARE EXPIRED WITHOUT RECOGNITION BY THE PROCURER OF THE FEDERATION CHIEF JUSTICE OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO WEST AFRICA.

THEREFORE, THE AREA YOU ARE NOT IN POSITION TO COME DOWN HERE IN PERSON TO BURKINA FASO WEST AFRICA FOR THE MOMENT YOU CAN AS WELL CONTACT THIS NOBLE BANK OFFICIAL RESIDENTIAL ACCREDITED ATTORNEY LAWYER TO PERFORM ON YOUR BEHALF AND OBTAIN THE REQUIRED STAMP DUTY WITH ALL THE LEGAL DUTIES ON YOUR BEHALF FOR THE PROCUREMENT AND SUBMIT OUR REQUIREMENTS AS WELL SIGN YOUR INHERITANCE FUND FINAL RELEASE ORDER IS GRANTEE TO YOUR REFERENCE WHICH THE APPROVAL OF THIS REQUEST IS TO ENABLE US EXECUTE OUR BANKING DUTIES EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY TO CUSTOMERS DELIGHT. YOU HAVE BEEN PERMITTED WITH FULL LEGAL AUTHORITY TO CONTACT.

HONORABLE BARRISTER VIESSRS OMAR & CO CHAMBERS.

CONTACT E-MAIL ADDRESS: viessrschambers@boabkbf.org & viessrs_chambers@lawyer.com

PRIVATE-EMAIL ADDRESS: viessrs_ultimate_chambers_boa@yahoo.ca

ADDRESS: ADD 133.03 SECTEUR 13, OUAGADOUGOU 01 BURKINA FASO

TEL FAX: + 226 50304162

TELEPHONE: +22674291108.

KINDLY ACCEPT OUR SYMPATHY OVER THE SUDDEN DEATH OF OUR LATE DECEASE CUSTOMER MR. SALAMI HUSSEIN KAMBAL SHUNDUK.

THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING.

DR. ALPHA HENSON,

DIRECTOR GENERAL IN-CHARGE FOREIGN REMITTANCE

GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)
=========================================================================================================================
Warning:
This e-mail and any attached files may contain privileged or confidential information. if you are not the intended addressee, you must not disclose, reproduce, copy, distribute, disseminate, use this communication or take any action in reliance thereon. Communication of any information in this e-mail to any unauthorized person may constitute an offence under the official secrets act (cap 213). Please notify the sender immediately if you receive this by error.

MANAGEMENT GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

(They included 2 bogus and mostly uninteresting attachments here)

On 1-11-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

I was thinking how lucky I am to have you watching over my situation. However I have some serious suspicions. And unless you write to me directly I will most certainly think you are not who you say you are.

I have been quite aware that in all of our email correspondence you have never once addressed me by my name. Why is that? My name is Frock. Say it!

Also I have repeatedly asked about your wife, and each time you have ignored my question. Why? Was there ever really a wife? What was her name? And how did she die?

If you are a bank investigator, as I suspect, I will end this conversation right away. I will not be trapped into another crime.

You have said that you attached your passport, but where is it? I haven’t seen this mystery passport.

You tell me to be serious but it is my neck that is put at risk.

You hint at disrupting my reputation here in the United States, but only a bank investigator or a G-Man would know that my reputation is tarnished. How did you know about my second wife, The Countess Fandango, who died in a tragic barbeque accident?

Make this easy, Mr. Glue. Call me by my name. Tell me how your wife died. And as a courtesy, offer me 40% - not 30% - of the take.

Do it now. And offend me no more.

I await your response.

Frock Stimple

On 1-12-11, Mr. Usman Gue wrote:

Subject: Good morning my dear Frock how are you today I hope fine.

Peace be upon you,

Good morning my dear Frock how are you today I hope fine, my dear Frock I am so sorry for this our business transaction over my late reply today because of a board of directors meetings going on the bank today, my dear Frock you why I don’t answer your question regards to the death of my dear lovely wife Oluchi because her death was a surprise to me and it was a car accident that my lovely wife Oluchi had and remembering her death always course sickness to me so I don’t like bringing her memory back on me.

My dear Frock I am a real Muslim man with God fearing and I am whom I claim to be Mr. Usman A.Gue and I am not a bank monitoring or investigation term okay I am a real person with policy in what ever I am doing I always like been honest to my fellow woman beings so stop suspecting okay we are both in this deal till the end of the success of the transfer into your nominated bank account number which you will present to the bank for the immediate transfer.

My dear Frock I am not greedy so I will off you the 40 % because I don’t want money to bring a kind of misunderstanding to us because of my religion okay,

My dear Frock I have still attached again my international passport for your reference, also have you any further details about your application form which you sent to my bank? I hope to hear from you on what is going in between you and my bank.

My dear Frock please don’t be afraid of me I am what I am and I have come to you with open and sincerely mid for us to achieve this transaction successfully into any of your bank account you will present to my bank.

My best regards,

Your Brother Mr. Usman A.Gue.

On 1-13-11 Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

Thank you for a most personalized response to my email. Now I truly believe you are who you say you are.

I am so sorry about bringing up memories of your dead wife. I know how hard that can be. My fourth wife also died in an automobile accident. Actually it was a race car. I lost quite a bit of money on that race, as well as a really beautiful car. But like you, I too relive the memories of that crash. I still visualize the screeching of the wheels, the crunch and ripping of twisted metal, the screaming and shattering glass. My lovely (up until then) Flotilla thrown threw the windshield, joints bent against the way God intended. Blood smeared on the dashboard, the hood, the street (it was a street race). But still I opted for an open casket funeral. I had friend who wagered I wouldn’t do it. I did. Picked up a few bucks on that too. C’est la vie! Eh?

So thank you also for raising my cut to 40% from 30%. The extra $620,000 this converts to means a lot to me. I was thinking about using it to create a memorial to both of our dead wives. But then I thought, Don’t be stupid, Frock. They’re DEAD. They don’t care. Get that boat you’ve been wanting.

Also thank you for sending the copy of your passport to me. Many people with your kind of skin disease and facial disfigurement would hesitate to put their photo in an email fearing certain ridicule. It’s good to see you’re above that. Though it does make me wonder what your dead wife must have looked like, to marry someone like you.

Anyway. I’m still waiting for word from the bank regarding my application. If you have any way to hasten that along, I’d appreciate it.

Thanks.

Frock

On 1-13-11, ,Vladdio wrote:
Hey. I almost forgot to send these forms back to you guys.

They are attached. I hope this information is all that you need.

Frock Stimple
(Millionaire!)

(I sent back their 2 attachments.)

On 1-17-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

I sent the applications to the bank as per your instructions. I expect to hear from them any day now.

But I got to thinking about all of that money and I think I came up with a good about how to use some of it. And I was wondering if you’d be interested in investing in it with me.

I decided to start a new business which I’m calling “What’s up, Frock?” It’s a little hard to describe but let me just say that it’s kind of like a combination of a Safari Tour and a scavenger hunt and a bungee jump/ mud-wrestling traveling exhibition with a little begging and pick-pocketing. It would all be filmed and then animated and sold as a smart phone app. It’s obviously like a reality/contest show except in this case the contestants would have to pay to participate and nobody would get to win, ever. In fact they would all have to agree that they would each have to continue to pay the monthly post-entrance fee for 6 years after signing up. We could make the fee fairly easy for them for the first 2 or 3 years – say, $50 per month – and then increase it after that. If they refused to pay, we could either put a lien on their homes or we could send “scouts” to pick them up and have them “participate” in another contest in which they would have leeches or something (I’m brain-storming here) attached to their bodies.

What do you think? Do you think I’m on to something good? I’m still working out the details. My friend, Rocco the Bruiser, is very excited about it.

If you’re interested in this, you’d need to buy in for about $350,000. I see your return on this to be about 2% (less my fees).

Think it over. There’s plenty of time.

Frock

On 1-18-11, Usman Gue wrote:

Peace be upon you,

Good evening my brother and how are you I hope fine, my dear I am writing to know how far have you goes with my bank all this while please kindly write an email to my bank to know the situation of things regards to our transaction if is effected to your account okay, I hope to hear from you soon.

My best regards,

Your brother Mr. Usman A.Gue.

On 1-19-11, Vladdio wrote to "the bank":
Dearest Groupie Bank of African Boas (who knew snakes could have their own banks!),

I’m writing to you for an update of my claim application which I sent to you 6 days ago. My financial advisor and personal trainer, Mr. Assman A-hole Gooey (not his real name and who DOES NOT WORK AT YOUR BANK!!) suggested that I try to find out what the hell is holding things up.

Please get back to me ASAP with a status. I’m about to close another deal on another vacation home and I need that 62 million dollars.

Frock Stimple
(Delayed Millionaire through no fault of my own)

On 1-21-11, "the bank" wrote:

GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

SIEGE SOCIAL: 770, AVENUE DU PRESIDENT ABOUBACAR SANGOULE LAMIZANA 01BP 1319 OUAGADOUGOU 01

TEL: 00226 70 01 76 28

FAX: 00226 50 34 36 41

E- MAIL: information@boabkbf.org

E-MAIL: boa-info-bf@mail.org

E-MAIL: boabankofafrica@accountant.com

TELEX 504016550001EN CFA UEMOA (XOF)

WEB SITE: www.boaburkinafaso

DATE: 21/01/2011

GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA TRANSFER NOTIFICATION (BOA)

ATTENTION: MR. STIMPLE GED.

WE THE BOARD AND MANAGEMENT BANK OF AFRICA HEREBY TO INFORM YOU THAT WE ARE IN RECEIPT OF MESSAGE WHICH YOU HAVE ALREADY ADVICE TO CONTACT WITH THE BANK OF AFRICA LEGAL FOREIGN REPRESENTATIVE ATTORNEY WHICH HIS CONTACT ADDRESS ARE BELOW TO STAND HERE ON YOUR BEHALF SINCE YOU ARE NOT HERE IN PERSON AND PROVIDE YOUR BACK UP DOCUMENTS SIGN YOUR TRANSFER.

HONORABLE BARRISTER VIESSRS OMAR & CO CHAMBERS.

CONTACT E-MAIL ADDRESS: viessrschambers@boabkbf.org & viessrs_chambers@lawyer.com

PRIVATE-EMAIL ADDRESS: viessrs_ultimate_chambers_boa@yahoo.ca

ADDRESS: ADD 133.03 SECTEUR 13, OUAGADOUGOU 01 BURKINA FASO

TEL FAX: + 226 50304162

TELEPHONE: +22674291108.

KINDLY ACCEPT OUR SYMPATHY OVER THE SUDDEN DEATH OF OUR LATE DECEASE CUSTOMER MR. SALAMI HUSSEIN KAMBAL SHUNDUK. (This is so cool. They started calling him "Salami" too.)

THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING.

DR. ALPHA HENSON,

DIRECTOR GENERAL IN-CHARGE FOREIGN REMITTANCE

MANAGEMENT GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

On 1-21-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

Great News!!!

I received this email from the bank today. They actually believe that I am next of kin to this dead guy! Amazing!!

And get this! The guy in charge of this thing, his name is Dr. Alpha Henson! Is that funny or what?

So what do I do next, Mr. Glue? I think the paperwork is complete, and I guess the money will be transferred to my new account. So when do I get my $2.48 Million (!!!) Dollars? I gotta tell you, I’m excited!

I’m thinking about chartering a jet to come over to see you. We can drink a toast to a beautiful partnership. I had been thinking of bringing along my new wife (I recently married – 8th time), but she’s been feeling ill lately. (Might have been something I injected her with while she slept.)

Anyway, let me know the next step. By the way, can you let me know my account number? And don’t worry about me. I won’t withdraw it all and transfer it to an account I have in the Cayman Islands. You’ll get you share. I promise.

Your buddy,

Frock

On 1-22-11, Mr. Usman Gue wrote:

Subject: Re: FW: GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA TRANSFER NOTIFICATION (BOA)

Peace be upon you,

Good day my dear brother how are you and your family i hope fine, my dear brother please kindly get in contact with the bank lawyer regards to the message sent to you by the bank regards to the required certificates for the transfer and with out that certificates there is no way the total fund will be transfer to your account number, i hope to hear from you soon.

My best regards,

Mr. Usman A.Gue.

On 1-23-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

I didn’t know I was supposed to get in contact with any bank lawyers. I thought everything was in place and I was ready to start spending my money.

Geez! This is starting to get complicated. But OK, I’ll do what you say. You’ve been fair and honest with me and since I’m about to become very rich, I’ll contact the lawyers.

I hope all of my previous arrests and prison sentences don’t screw things up for either of us. Because, in truth, most of my arrests have been for violent crimes and not white collar stuff. And since this money scam we’re now involved in should not get violent (Do you think it will?), they should be able to overlook the relatively few incidences of embezzlement, extortion, money laundering, blackmail, and bribery charges and the indictments and arrests and time served. Don’t you think? But hey, if there is any chance that violence does become necessary, or even likely, don’t pull back on my account. I’m no stranger to scars. And by the looks of your passport photo, neither are you. Am I right?

And just in case we do need to use a little special persuasion, I hope you’re keeping records of the addresses and phone numbers of the bank staff. Just in case.

Peace be upon you too, my brother!

Frock

On 1-23-11, Vladdio wrote to "the bank’s" lawyers:
Dear Lawyers,

Thank you for your most kind and sympathetic comment in your last email.

I have been mourning the death of my late Uncle Salami for (Lo!) these past 7 years. He was surely a great man, a loving husband, and a good gardener. It’s just such a shame he was such a lousy airplane pilot. Well, his loss is my gain, eh!

I need to now know how I’ll be going about the final (AND I MEAN THE VERY LAST) bit of paperwork in order to secure the release of Uncle Salami’s money to me.

So to put it plainly: What’s next?

Frock

On 1-24-11, the lawyers wrote:

From: Viessrs Ultimate Chambers Omar Legal Practitioners Consultants [mailto: viessrs_ultimate_chambers_boa@yahoo.ca ]
Subject: VIESSRS & CO LEGAL REPRESENTATION AND POWER OF ATTORNEY.

SOLICITOR NOTARY & ADVOCATES OF SUPREME COURT OF JUSTICE
FINANCIAL ACCREDITED BANK ATTORNEYS / LEGAL PRACTITIONER
ADDRESS: ADD 133.03 SECTEUR 13, OUAGADOUGOU 01 BURKINA FASO .
TELEPHONE---+22674291108 TEL FAX: -- + 226 50304162

OUR REF: HLC/XBK/2011
YOUR REF.......MTS...............

MONDAY JANUARY 24th 2011 19:57 PM. GMT

LEGAL REPRESENTATION

WITH DUE RESPECT MY DEAR CLIENT,

IN RESPECT OF YOUR REQUEST I AM HEREBY ACKNOWLEDGED YOUR CONSULTATION LETTER, AS WE HAVE CONFIRMED TO THE BANK OF AFRICA . AND MY CONFIRMATION ABOUT YOUR CASE THE AUTHORITIES OF THE BANK MADE ME TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE PROVED YOUR SELF BEYOND REASONABLE DOUBTS THE RIGHTFULLY BENEFICIARY OF THE FUND INHERITOR OF $6.2 MILLION DOLLARS.

IN MY DISCUSSIONS WITH THE EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR BANK OF AFRICA, ALSO WITH THE DIRECTOR FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT, THROUGH MY CONFIRMATION FROM THEIR COMPUTER RUNNING TELEX ROOM WHERE YOUR FUND WAS COMPUTERIZED I CONFIRMED YOUR INHERITANCE FUND HAS ALREADY BEEN COMPUTERIZED FOR TELEX WIRE TRANSFER TO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT AS THE INHERITOR.

UPON YOUR LEGAL REQUEST TO THIS CHAMBER I AM HEREBY TO NOTIFY YOU THAT I HAVE ACCEPTED TO GIVE YOU THE BEST OF OUR LEGAL SERVICES ON THE PROCUREMENT OF THE REQUESTED LEGAL DOCUMENTS FROM THE VARIOUS MINISTRIES AS WELL AS JUDICIARY BURKINA FASO .

ACCORDING TO THE DIRECTOR FOREIGN REMITTANCE BANK OF AFRICA THE BANK REQUIRED THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTS FOR SUBMISSION. AS INDICATED BELOW FROM THE BANK FILE WITH THE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

(1) ANTI- TERRORIST CERTIFICATE. €2,650 EURO.
(2) MONEY LAUNDERING CERTIFICATE. €1,750 EURO.
(3). CERTIFICATE OF INHERITANCE. €1,320 EURO.
(4). DEATH CERTIFICATE. €640 EURO.

AS SOON AS THE REQUESTED LEGAL CERTIFICATES ARE ISSUED, I AM GOING TO MAKE AVAILABLE TO YOU COPIES OF THE CERTIFICATES FOR CONFIRMATION, WHILE THE ORIGINAL COPIES WILL BE PRESENT TO THE BANK OF AFRICA FOR THE FINAL SIGNING OF YOUR FUND RELEASE ORDER FOR IMMEDIATE EFFECTIVE WIRE TRANSFER INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT,

VIESSRS & CO CHAMBERS IS BASICALLY INVOLVED IN CORPORATE / INDIVIDUAL AND GOVERNMENTAL LEGAL SERVICES AND FOREIGN AFFAIRS FOR PERIOD SPANNING OVER (11) YEARS IN SERVICE. WE ARE VERY CONVERSANT WITH INTERNATIONAL LEGAL REPRESENTATIONAL / SIGNINGS FOR INDIVIDUALS, FIRMS AND GOVERNMENTAL BODIES.

I HAVE ATTACHED TO THIS MESSAGE OUR FIRM POWER OF ATTORNEY WHICH YOU WILL FILL SIGN AND RETURN WITH THE CHAMBER'S CONSULTATION /MOBILIZATION FEE AS DIRECTED IN MY CHAMBERS FORM FOR THE PROCUREMENT OF THE THREE LEGAL CERTIFICATES TO BACK UP YOUR CLAIM.

IN-WHICH, YOU SHOULD BE AWARE THAT SERVICE OF THIS NATURE REQUIRES LAWYERS CONSULTATIONS FEES/ PAYMENT OF SERVICE CHARGES TO THIS FIRM AND OTHER OFFICIAL FEES WHICH THIS FIRM MUST PAY ON YOUR BEHALF TO THE CONCERNED GOVERNMENT AGENCIES AND MINISTRY OF JUSTICE.

YOU ARE THEREFORE INSTRUCTING TO ABIDE WITH THE LAWS OF THIS CHAMBER BY SENDING THE CHAMBER CONSULTATION FEES AS INDICATED IN MY CHAMBERS MESSAGE WITH THE MONEY TO BE USE IN OPENING THE NEW ACCOUNT.

THIS TOTAL FEE OF €6,360 EURO HAVE TO BE TRANSFER THROUGH FAST MEANS TO AVOID DELAY IN-WHICH YOU HAVE TO SEND THE FEES BY WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER DIRECT TO OUR LAW FIRM CHAMBERS FINANCIAL SECRETARY RECEIVING NAME INFORMATION’S BELOW TO ENABLE US PERFORM ON YOUR RESPECT ON DUE TIME.

WESTERN UNION RECEIVING INFORMATION’S:

RECEIVERS FIRST NAME: ESTHER
RECEIVERS LAST NAME: OBIDIMMA
COUNTRY: BURKINA FASO
CITY: OUAGADOUGOU
ADDRESS: SECTEUR 13, OUAGADOUGOU 01 BURKINA FASO
TELEPHONE: +22674291108.

MAKE SURE YOU SCAN TO THIS CHAMBER THE PAYMENT SLIP IMMEDIATELY THE TRANSFER IS AFFECTED FROM THE WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER TO ENABLE US CASH THE MONEY IMMEDIATELY AND PROCEED ON YOUR REQUEST.

YOURS FAITHFULLY
HON. BARRISTER VIESSRS OMAR ESQ,
LLB BA HONS
SENIOR ATTORNEY
LEGAL PRACTITIONER.

(Another attachment)

On 1-24-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

Ok. So here is what the lawyers sent me. I guess the main one’s name is VIESSRS OMAR ESQ. (It’s very strange and perhaps a little coincidental, but I’ve run into several lawyers here whose last names were also “Esq”. It makes me think there must be some sort of government bio-engineering project that creates lawyers named Esq. Weird, huh?)

If I read this correctly, I’ll need to send them money to cover this:

(1) ANTI- TERRORIST CERTIFICATE. €2,650 EURO.
(2) MONEY LAUNDERING CERTIFICATE. €1,750 EURO.
(3). CERTIFICATE OF INHERITANCE. €1,320 EURO.
(4). DEATH CERTIFICATE. €640 EURO.

This totals 6,360 Euros.

Then I printed out the Power of Attorney form and that should cost me 1,650 Euros.

So then that’s a total of 8,010 Euros.

I gotta tell you I was expecting to pay a whole lot more than this. Here in the USA this kind of legal service would cost as much as 60,000 US Dollars. And I was fully prepared to pay that much. (I have a little stash of cash hidden away for emergencies.) I think you might want to check this over from your end. I get the feeling they might have missed something or else they undercharged me. Once I get the ball rolling on this thing I don’t want to hear that mistakes were made and they need more money. I’d rather just pay for everything upfront right now. Are you absolutely certain that the price isn’t closer to $60,000?

So let me know.

I’m not going to answer these lawyers until I hear from you.

Thanks.

Frock

On 1-25-11, Mr. Usman Gue wrote:

Subject: Peace be upon you,

My dear Frock how are you and your family i hope fine, please we don’t need to delay at this very moment because our transaction is in success in which i will advice you to go ahead immediately and send the required amount of €6,350 euro with lawyer given name as per the lawyer message to you because immediately you send the fee he will proceed with out further delay, please I am counting on you and waiting to hear from you soon.

My best regards,

Mr, Usman A.Gue.

On 1-26-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr Glue,

Thank you for your good wishes for my family. Everyone is doing well except for my new wife. I fear she is near death. No, she is not sick. In fact she is as healthy as a thoroughbred. I just think she doesn’t have long for this world. I’m afraid she may be in line for an accident or something… it’s just a feeling I get…

I’ll need to convert my US dollars to Euros, and I’ll do that today. But I’m still puzzled about the Power of Attorney form (see below in the copied email) which is supposed to cost me 1,650 Euros. Should I send that to the lawyers also?

And would it be easier to send the cash as US dollars? I could just put it all in a shoe box marked “Pornography” (for safety) and ship it directly to them. I’d want a receipt though.

By the way, I recently found out that “Esq” stands for “Esquire” which is what many lawyers call themselves. (You’d have thought I would have known this since I’ve had so many encounters with them.) And apparently Esquire is Latin for “A Squirrel”. And Squirrels are symbolic of Kindness, Goodness, Fairness, and Honesty. Isn’t that a nice thought! I hope all of the banks lawyers are squirrelly.

Please get back to me immediately as I want to wrap this up today. I could overnight the box of cash if you think that would be a good idea.

Your friend (and - I fear - soon to be new widower),

Frock

On 1-26-11, Usman Gue wrote:

My dear Frock all you have to do is to fill in the power of attorney document and send the amount by western union money transfer that is exactly what the lawyer instruct you to do okay, please be fast in what ever you are doing to enable the lawyer obtain the 4 documents on your behalf and sign the transfer into your bank account okay, so please you can as well send the amount in USD. Dollars since is the equivalent to the amount okay there is no problem about that what matters is for you to use the correct address and send the money by the western union money transfer.

WESTERN UNION RECEIVING INFORMATION’S:

RECEIVERS FIRST NAME: ESTHER

RECEIVERS LAST NAME: OBIDIMMA

COUNTRY: BURKINA FASO

CITY: OUAGADOUGOU

ADDRESS: SECTEUR 13, OUAGADOUGOU 01 BURKINA FASO

TELEPHONE: +22674291108.

My best regards,

Mr, Usman A.Gue.

On 1-26-11, Vladdio wrote to "the bank’s" lawyers:
Dear and Honorable Omar,

Attached you will find the signed Power of Attorney form you asked for.

I believe it is completed correctly but if it is not, let me know immediately.

Also, let me know when and where to send the 1650 Euros. AND most importantly, let me know if you will accept the exact same amount (1650) in US Dollars. I’ve been dealing with a total asshole regarding another matter where the amount is coincidentally 6360 Euros. I’ve only just learned that this idiot would accept $6,360 USD.

This is of the utmost importance. I must know immediately.

Thank you.

Frocketty Calhoun Butterboy Stimple

(Another attachment)

On 1-26-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

I wish you had told me not to do the conversion a little earlier. I just returned from my bank and apparently you were wrong. 6360 Euros does not convert equally to $6,360 USD. In fact, it turns out to be $8,685.34 USD. So it could have cost me an extra $2,323.34.

Are you now telling me that I’m getting a $2,323.34 discount??? If this is so, I’m going to have to go back to my bank to change it back.

I’m now losing another day because of bad communication. This is not my fault.

Look, rather than go back to my bank, and be inconvenienced further, I think you should take responsibility for this and to make amends, offer me 45% instead of the 40% we had agreed upon. Then I can send this money out today. Let’s not putz around on this. Ok?

Meanwhile I’ll send the Power of Attorney form on to the Honorable Barristo Visors Omar, Esq.

Also, who is Easter Oboedimmer? And why is the money being sent to her?

Frock

On 1-27-11, "the bank" wrote:
VIESSRS & CO LEGAL REPRESENTATION AND POWER OF ATTORNEY.
SOLICITOR NOTARY & ADVOCATES OF SUPREME COURT OF JUSTICE
FINANCIAL ACCREDITED BANK ATTORNEYS / LEGAL PRACTITIONER
DDRESS: ADD 133.03 SECTEUR 13, OUAGADOUGOU 01 BURKINA FASO
TELEPHONE-- -+22674291108 TEL FAX: -- + 226 50304162

OUR REF: HLC/XBK/2011
YOUR REF.......MTS...............

DATE: 27/01/2011

LEGAL REPRESENTATION

WITH DUE RESPECT MY DEAR CLIENT,

IN RESPECT OF YOUR REQUEST, I AM HEREBY TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU SHOULD USE THE BELOW WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER RECEIVING INFORMATION TO SEND THE MONEY IMMEDIATELY TO ENABLE US PROCEED FOR THE BANK REQUIREMENTS FOR YOUR IMMEDIATE TRANSFER RELEASE ORDER FOR YOUR INHERITANCE FUND OF $6.2 MILLION DOLLARS INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT WITH THE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

FINALLY, MY DEAR CLIENT YOU CAN AS WELL SEND THE EXACT AMOUNT IN US DOLLARS THERE IS NO PROBLEM OVER THAT.

RECEIVERS FIRST NAME: ESTHER
RECEIVERS LAST NAME: OBIDIMMA
COUNTRY: BURKINA FASO
CITY: OUAGADOUGOU
ADDRESS: SECTEUR 13, OUAGADOUGOU 01 BURKINA FASO
TELEPHONE: +22674291108.

MAKE SURE YOU SCAN TO THIS CHAMBER THE WESTERN UNION PAYMENT SLIP IMMEDIATELY THE TRANSFER IS AFFECTED FROM THE WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER TO ENABLE US CASH THE MONEY IMMEDIATELY AND PROCEED ON YOUR BEHALF AND OBTAIN THE CERTIFICATES.

YOURS FAITHFULLY
HON. BARRISTER VIESSRS OMAR ESQ,
LLB BA HONS
SENIOR ATTORNEY
LEGAL PRACTITIONER.

On 1-27-11, Mr. Usman Gue wrote:
[mailto: mrusman-a@one.co.il]

Peace be upon you,
Good evening my dear Frock sorry for be late to your email and I am writing to tell you to do your best effort and send any amount with you and get the lawyer inform also regards to your question about who is Easter Oboedimmer? According to the lawyer message that THE FEES WILL BE SEND BY WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER DIRECT TO HIS LAW FIRM CHAMBERS FINANCIAL SECRETARY RECEIVING NAME INFORMATION’S (WHICH IS THE NAME IN QUESTION YOU ARE ASKING ME EASTER OBOEDIMMER) my dear Frock all you have to do is to do you best effort and send the amount with you at hand to the lawyer to enable him start the procurements of the three certificates with out further delaying.

My best regards,

Mr, Usman A.Gue.

On 2-1-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

Please forgive the delay in getting back to you. Much has happened since I last wrote to you or the Honorable Barristo Omar. And I honestly don’t know where to begin but let me try..

I just got married! Again! For the 9th Time! I’m very hopeful about this one. I really think this is going to last.

If you recall the last time I emailed you I was still married to my 8th wife, Porphyria…. I’ll make a long story short. Last Wednesday night, Porphyria was struck by a roller coaster but survived even though she had fallen about the equivalent of 10 floors. (She was looking for her lost wedding ring. I’d told her I thought I saw it on the tracks when we were riding up there very close to the top.) She landed in a marsh just below and – being a former gymnast - she stuck the landing! Unfortunately she drove both of her legs deep into the mud up to the hilt. She was stuck there and would have been ok except for when the tide came in. I stayed with her until the very end. I guess I should have gone for help. There was probably plenty of time as the tide was just going out when it happened. But I didn’t want her to be alone, so I waited the 5 hours until the water rose up and over her. I believe that’s the mark of a dedicated spouse. I mean I didn’t even go to the bathroom the whole time I waited for her to…. y’know.

So anyway I met my new wife on Saturday. Love at first sight. Yada yada yada.

But I’m back to the serious business of swindling a bank tomorrow. I’ll let you know exactly when I send the money out.

Frock

On 2-2-11, Mr. Usman Gue wrote:
[mailto:mrusman-a@one.co.il]
Subject: My dear Frock happy new marriage life and congratulation to you and your new wife.

My dear Frock happy new marriage life and congratulation to you and your new wife i hope she is okay and my best regards to her and i hope to hear soon from you immediately you finalize with the lawyer to enable him obtain the certificates on your behalf for the immediate release of our total fund.

My best regards,

Mr, Usman A.Gue.

On 2-2-11, Vladdio wrote:
Glue,

I’m not so sure I like what you are implying in your last email to me regarding my wife.

Of course she is “okay” as you put it. Why wouldn’t she be? Are you suggesting that my other 8 wives weren’t “okay”? I can assure you – as I have assured the police more times than I can remember – that I had nothing to do with the accidents that happen to have befallen on my previous wives.

I was just about to go down to the Western Union office when I received your email. You’ve disturbed me now. If we are to be partners in this inheritance scam, I need to know that you trust me and that you won’t be making any further suggestive remarks regarding my wife. Also she doesn’t need your “best regards”. I give her my best regards and she’s happy to have them.

You will apologize immediately.

Frock

On 2-2-11, Mr. Usman Gue wrote:
[Subject: Re: My dear Frock happy new marriage life and congratulation to you and your new wife.

Dear Frock sorry for sending my regards to your wife i never mean any harm i am sorry for that okay, it wont repeat it self again, also dear Frock if i don’t have a single trust on you over this transaction, i wouldn’t even in the first place contact you to do this business transaction with you okay, lastly i will take all the insult from you but not when you call this our business transaction a scam, that is what i will not admit it from you over such comment because i am 100% sure of this transaction okay, so stop using such writing to me, have a nice day.

Mr, Usman A.Gue.

On 2-2-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

I accept your apology.

And while I would like to offer you a similar apology, I can’t think of any reason to. If you think that I’ve insulted you, well that’s just stupid, because I didn’t.

As far as calling this bank thing a scam, maybe you do have a small point about that. Scam is such an ugly word. I suppose we can just call it a swindle and leave it at that.

So I’m off then to the Western Union to wire the money. I’ll let you know when I get back.

Frock

PS. It’s really a shame you weren’t at my wedding. There was much dancing and drinking. And since it was such a spur of the moment thing, we didn’t have a chance to hire some appropriate entertainment. We wound up setting up a screen to project YouTube videos of dog races accidents, self-impalements, car crashes, duck-hunting accidents, amusement park accidents, electrocution, and farm equipment accidents. It was kind an impromptu homage to all of my previous wives. It was touching, shocking and funny all at the same time. I think you would have liked it.

On 2-5-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

I’m afraid I have some terrible news.

I was on my way to the Western Union yesterday when I was accosted by a man with a crossbow. I don’t think I’ll ever forget his face. He was hideous. He reminded me of you. He took all of my money even though I tried to explain to him that I was sending it to Burkino Fatso to make 45% (did we agree on this percentage yet?) of 6.2 million dollars USD. I tried to explain to him that if he could only hold off robbing me until I was a millionaire, he could then steal a whole lot more money. But I couldn’t convince him. He’s a young though thoroughly ugly guy, and as you know, the younger generation wants instant gratification. When I was his age I was patient enough to wait to rob a richer man. Makes sense, right? Same thing with arson, right? I mean it would be silly to set fire to a building under construction. It’s always best to wait until it’s complete. It’s even better if there are a lot of people inside… but I reminisce.

What all of this means though is that I’ll have to get the money in some other way.

Do you think I could send a down payment of – let’s say - $2000 USD right now, just to get started on some of the forms? I’ll have to go back to some of my street performing to raise money. (I do impersonations of itchy people.)

Let me know if this sounds like a good plan to you.

Frock.

Two Short Scams

2011-07-30T19:17:00.000-07:00

....Short Scam #1 - How Can Anyone Question My Honesty?

From: cheng.vin.vin [mailto:cheng.vin.vin@gmail.com]
Sent: Saturday, July 10, 2010 6:27 PM
Subject: Proposal

On 7-10-10, Vincent Tony Cheng wrote:
I am Mr. Vincent Tony Cheng, GBS, JP Chairman of the

Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation Limited.

I have a confidential brief from Hong Kong and I am asking
for your partnership in re- profiling funds.

What I require from you is your honest co-operation, I
guarantee you that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that
will protect you and I from any breach of the law.

Please this email is not to be disclosed to a third party and disregard if you do not appreciate this
proposition I have offer you.

All confirm able documents that will back you up shall be
made available to you, as soon as I receive your reply that you are

interested, via E-mail: sung29@live.com

I shall furnish you with the proper documents.

On 7-11-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Cheng,

I can assure you that I am an interested and HONEST person. I have several awards that can attest to my honesty. I can forward many letters of recommendation if need be.

Additionally I can keep a secret. Just ask my wife, Lulabelle. She has absolutely no idea about the money I've been keeping from her for the last 17 years, nor does she know about my secret alternative lifestyle. She is also completely unaware of my past history as a circus sideshow attraction.

I believe I'm your man... so to speak.

Let me know what information you need from me.

Stubby Parsons
Vladdio Chocolate Farms

On 7-13-10, Vincent Tony Cheng wrote:
Dear sir,
Thanks for your email, i will like to have your wife's contact to confirm what you have said.

Thanks
Cheng

On 7-14-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Cheng,

I would be happy to have Lulabelle write to you to confirm both my honesty AND my ability to keep a secret but #1 in this case both features may be mutually exclusive and #2 according to your first email, there should be no third party knowledgeable of your proposal.

I am a very intelligent man, Mr. Cheng, (and I can furnished documents to prove it!) but I'll need better explanation from you in order to deal with the paradoxes and contradictions you've put forth.

OR we can just proceed with the original reason you decided to contact me.

How much money do I stand to make?

Stubby

On 7-14-10, Vincent Tony Cheng wrote:
Dear Mr. Stubby Parsons,
Thank you for your response to my email and your willingness to partner me in this endeavor, considering the money involved, and due to the nature of this transaction, it is necessary for you to be sure of whom you are transacting with, you can visit our web-page here: (http://www.hsbc.com/1/2/about/board-of-directors) and you shall find me among the board of directors, I want to be sure that you are ready, to execute this transaction with me, What I expect from you is trust and commitment, the total amount that is involve in this transaction is Thirty Million, five hundred thousand US Dollars ($30.5m).

I want this large sum of money transferred with your assistance and you should have nothing to worry about regarding legality AT ALL, because what affects you? Shall also affects me too, considering the paper work we are about to sign together but, I will appreciate you to follow my directives amicably as everything shall be done in accordance passing through all international banking laws, and as a banker I know that if we follow up this transaction diligently it would be completed within 9 working days. I have attached to this mail, an agreement letter which you are to fill and sign, then scan and send it as an attachment via E-mail to me, before the Attorney can go ahead with the preparation of the required documents that shall place you as the sole beneficiary to the funds. I await your prompt reply on this.

Kind Regards
Vincent Cheng

(I can't remember why this ended so soon. I might've just lost interest)

....Short Scam #2 - Toop! Y'know, The Color. Like in the Ghanaian Flag

From: Penni Baker [mailto:pennibaker@yahoo.com]
Sent: Monday, August 23, 2010 2:58 AM
To: contactusform@firstfence.com
Subject: Urgent Order

On 8-23-10, Penni Baker wrote:
Dear Customer Service,
My name is Penni Baker, I would like to know whether you do sale chain link fence.If you do Quote me the price on size 6 feet high x 11 gauge , no poles and gates,only materials.I will much appreciate if you get back to me with the total pick up cost for 3000 feet and also advice if u accept credit card for payment ...Wish you all the best in business and hope to hear from you soon.

Regards,
Penni Baker

On 8-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Baker,

Thank you for your flambeau interest in our loubert fence.

Per your request, please find the hagel estimate below.

Model: 6FHx11G-NPaG-OM
Quantity: 3000'
Method of payment: credit card
Wishes: Best and Hope
When: Soon

Your cost: $17,850.00

Shipping is not included.

Please contact me as soon as humanly possible.

Thank you,

Don Coyote
Associate Sales Rep.
The Fence Gods

On 8-23-10, Penni Baker wrote:
Hello Don Coyote

I am glad to see your email , and am alright with the quote.I would like to recommend a freight company for the pickup. Actually am shipping the Fences to an orphanage home in Ghana and will like to know the shipping cost before I go ahead and arrange for the payment .I will like you to contact this freight company for the pickup West End Shipping Cargo (wshippingcargo@yahoo.com) And tell them you are shipping Fences of the size and total weight XXX and it is going to the address below:

save soul orphanage home
Ring Road Central
Accra-Ghana-00233

The Shipping Company will also handle the packaging and crating also include your Pickup Location Address and they will surely get back to you with the freight quote.As soon as they get back to you with the freight quote,notify me via email with the subtotal cost of the order plus the shipping quote so that I can finalize the order with my credit card .Waiting to hear back from you soon.

Regards,
Penni Baker

On 8-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Barker,

Thank you for your order.

However I need to know the following before I contact your shipper:
- What credit card will you be using? (Note: I do not accept credit cards from Enuresis National Bank of Omaha, Nebraska.)
- Will you need insurance on this shipment?
- Do you require photos prior to shipment?
- Please select a fence color: Blue, Brown, Klang, Orange, Toop, or Black
- Would you be interested in taking a short survey to help us streamline our order processing? Please say YES. Throughout the month of August, all participants in the survey receive a chance to win a $5000 gift card. No purchase is necessary.

Please return the answers promptly, so as to facilitate your order.

Thank you.

Don

(And it ended there.)

All Hail The Saints of Confusion!

2011-07-14T17:49:00.000-07:00

....especially when it's Schmutz season in Canada!

From: samuel underwood [mailto: rev.samuelunderwood@gmail.com]
Sent: Monday, May 24, 2010 5:59 AM
To: info@carriesfence.com
Subject: inquiries...........

On 5-24-10, Samuel Underwood wrote:
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am Reverend Samuel Underwood....how are you doing today?
I would like to know if you do have Ornamental Fence panels for sale or can
order in stock for me after payment is made to you....I would like you to
let me know the types and sizes of fence panels that you have and also the price range
on them without delivery and installation....do let me know if you accept master
or visa cards as forms of payment...I will recommend you to a shipping company that shall
come to your dealer location and pick up the fence panels when ready to be shipped.
Thank you very much for the opportunity and i would be looking forward to hearing from
you soon including your name and contact number so we go from there.
God Bless
Rev. Samuel Underwood

On 6-1-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Reverend Underwood,

Here at Vladdio Biblical Impression Fence Panel Company, we have the greatest stock of pre-made fence panels in the United States.

You did not say in your email the type of fence you need to apply these panels to. We have a wide variety of material such as wood, aluminum, steel, vinyl, shotzie, vellum, and bamboo.

Right now we are having a sale on our most popular panels depicting the Saints of Confusion in various stages of Divine Misery.

We have:

- St. Peter with his foot crushed under the wheel of a Roman Chariot.
- St. Ptolemy dragged behind a running warthog
- St. Bob pulling splinters out of his elbow
- St. Tympani drowning in the Red Sea
- Sts. Fergus and Lloyd impaled on a windmill
- St. Hookah sick on the Tilt-A-Whirl

Each of these panels are available for $449.95 each in aluminum.

Please indicate which you would prefer or if there is another material you require.

Custom panels are of course available at a 25% premium price.

Would you like our catalogue?

Velcro Sandbar
Associate Director of Internet Sales
Vladdio Biblical Impression Fence Panel Company

On 6-1-10, Samuel Underwood wrote:
Subject: Re: inquiries...........
Hi Velcro,
Thank you very much for your response to me and sorry i couldn't get back to you earlier on...i am currently at a church conference in Canada(ontario) and will be coming back to Town in a couple of weeks and due to the church policy and privacy so we don't accept calls from outside the church premises...I am really sorry for the inconvenience okay i will rather call you when necessary...
Actually i am purchasing the fence for one of our church project in Accra Ghana which is located at overseas...however,i am interested in purchasing the VINYL fence panel in size (lenght) 6Ft x (height )8Ft with its post and everything that makes it complete.
i would like you to get back to me with the total cost of 40 units including sales tax without delivery and installation so i can send in my master card details for you to put the charges through and then take care of the order for me...I will recommend you to a shipping company that shall come to your dealer location and pick-up the fence when ready to be shipped.
Once again thank you very much for your response to me and i would be looking forward to hearing from you from you soon so we go from there.
God Bless
Rev.Samuel Underwood

On 6-2-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Reverend Sam,

The vinyl fence panels are not nearly as expensive as the aluminum ones. This is because of trade issues resolved during the Treaty of Ghent.

The vinyl panels you asked about (6' in length x 8' in height) including posts, hardware, and fanork are $439.95 each.

40 units you requested would be $17,598.00.

We recently put another panel design into our promotion. It is St. Snark in the throes of constipation. Let me know if you want this one. If you do not actually choose one, our default panel is the St. Hookah panel. Please see below for the choices listed in the previous email.

I know you said you'd prefer using your own shipper but for an order of this size, we offer free shipping. Let me know what you'd like to do.

Please be careful during your stay in Ontario. I know that June is Schmutz season in Canada. You wouldn't want to get infected. I know the lesions can be very painful.

Thanks.

Velcro

PS. I know I could look on a map, but tell me. Where is Accra Ghana? Is it one of those post-Soviet splinter countries? It sounds lovely.

On 6-2-10, Samuel Underwood wrote:
Velcro,
Thank you so much for your advice and i will be extremely careful with my stay here in Ontario.
After some discussions with the church elders in consultation with the contractor working on the project overseas, we have decided that we will need only 40 VINYL fence Panels of what you have instock just for use at the porch side of the church. Thank you for the offer to help us with the shipment but then the location is outside the states and its at overseas somewhere in Africa where we have a chruch branch establishing there hence thats why i told you that i will recomend you to a shipping company that will take care of it effectively.Thanks for your help anyway....very much appreciated.
So please get back to me with your contact number for me to call you after i have sent in my master card details for you to put the charges through and then take care of the order for me.
Once again thank you very much for your understanding and patience.
Hope to hear from you soonest.

God Bless,

Rev. Underewood.

On 6-5-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Reverend Sam,

Please excuse the delay in responding to your last email. We had a death in the family, and since I am a part-time embalmer, it fell to me to fulfill the duty. By the way, if you need any embalming - personally or for friends, family, or neighbors - please let me know. My rates are reasonable and my travel expenses are negotiable. I'm always looking for more work. (I hate embalming my own family members. They expect me to work for free.)

40 Vinyl fence panels at $438.85 each is $17,598.00.

If you don't mind, I'd like to supply you with the panels we have most of in stock. They are not any of the Saints of Confusion, but I think you'll like this one nonetheless. It is St. Goober reacting to finding out that he won a raffle. It's very beautiful, and it depicts the scene from his life that caused him to leave the Order of the Unkempt.

Since it's not very popular and since I have quite a few in stock, I'll let you have them for $395.95 each. That's $15,838.00.

Please let me know when I should expect your shipper.

Thanks.

Velcro

On 6-5-10, Samuel Underwood wrote:
Ohhhhh ok Velcro,
i will let you know anytime we will need you for embalmering and i agree with you relations must pay for business and services rendered and not for free.......lol.
Anyway its saturady now and i am not sure if you work today or will work tomorrow so i will send you
my master card information on monday morning for the payments. I will prefare the St. Goober reacting to finding out that he won a raffle so i am going to pay $15,838.00 right? let me know.
Once again can i have your contact number so i can call you when i send in my master cards for payments? I will be looking forward for your email and do have a wonderful weekned.

God Bless,
Rev. Samuel

On 6-7-10, Samuel Underwood wrote:
Hello,
I am still looking forward to hearing from you with the number so we go from there.
Hope you having a wonderful day....

God Bless,
Rev. Samuel

On 6-8-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Reverend Sam,

First let me say thank you for your order. And yes, your total is $15,838.00.

Second, I am unable to give you a telephone contact number because of religious reasons. Being a minister I'm sure you are aware of what it says in Scriptures: Ezra Chapter 4 verse 10: "We ask their names also, to certify thee, that we might write the names of the men that were the chief of them." By this we take it to mean that we must "write" (such as email) and not "speak" (such as on the telephone.)

Please continue to communicate via email.

Thirdly, I am always unavailable on the Sabbath. (And I'm troubled that you - a man of the cloth - would think that I might contact you on Sunday.)

Please send me your payment and shipping information.

And God have mercy on your miserable soul.

Velcro

On 6-8-10, Vladdio wrote:
Reverend Sam,

I'm still waiting for your payment information.

And would be interested in any other of our wonderful product lines, such as ceramic starfish etc.?

Velcro

No Flammable Fences for this Guy

2011-07-13T08:52:00.000-07:00

....I'd say that's a good choice.

From: Fred Williams [mailto:fred_williams2030@yahoo.com]
Sent: Sunday, May 02, 2010 8:10 AM
Subject: order

On 5-2-10, Fred Williams wrote:
To Whom It May Concern
My Name is Fred Williams and i will like to know if you do sell Fence,if you sell, i will like you to email me with the types and sizes that you do have as well as their prices including tax,also i will like to know the method of payment that you do accept.Hope to hear from you.Thank you
Fred Williams

On 5-3-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Fred Williams,

Thank you for your interest in the Vladdio Variable Speed Dixie-Land Fence Company.

Please let me know if you would like to receive our catalogue. Also would you like to be added to our mailing list?

Currently we are promoting our most popular fence: The Five Foot Mega-Goop Tidal Flat Titanium Fence. This fence lists for $12.00 per running foot. I think you'll need 300 feet. That's $3,600 total. There is no tax. Shipping is not included.

We accept all major credit cards.

Please let me know how you'd like to proceed.

Thank you.

James "Jimmy" Changa
Sales Associate, Vladdio VSDLFC

On 5-3-10, Fred Williams wrote:
Thank you very much for your reply,let me know what will be the total order cost for 900 feet so that we proceed.Thank you

On 5-3-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Fred (can I call you Fred?),

The Five Foot Mega-Goop Tidal Flat Titanium Fence does not come in 900' lengths. However it does come in 1,000' lengths.

Your total cost for this order would be $12,000.00.

One question before we decide to process this order: Do you need the fence to be flammable?

One more question. We only stock this fence in MURKY BLUE, CRABAPPLE BLUE, and SALAMI BLUE. Which do you prefer?

Jimmy

On 5-3-10, Fred Williams wrote:
Let me have your phone number and i will give you a call,no i don't want it flammable,i need a salami blue.Thank you

On 5-3-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Fred,

You may have noticed how very low our prices are for the fence you ordered. This is because our company is streamlined and frugal to the point of Desperate Spartanism.

What I mean is that not only do we NOT have telephones, we don't even have electric lights in our office. This is how we are able to keep our costs low and beat out any competition.

The 6 sales associates in this office all use one computer, taking our turns by wrestling (best out of 3 falls). Fortunately I am an excellent wrestler.

Therefore all communication must be via email.

We have this material in stock and are prepared to ship today. We use an excellent international freight company (Sphagnum Popsicle Freightways). Please let me know the address where to ship.

Thank you.

Jimmy

On 5-3-10, Fred Williams wrote:
I will be recommending a freight company to come to your location for the pick up.so let me know if you are okay with that.Thank you

On 5-3-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Fred,

If you have a shipper that you want to use, that's OK with me. I just doubt you would be able to find the great service that Sphagnum Popsicle Freightways can provide. Each shipped order is accompanied by armed guards. They also give away free puppies.

Who would you like to use?

Jimmy

On 5-4-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Fred,

Have your shipper contact me.

Jimmy

On 5-4-10, Fred Williams wrote:
Subject: pickup and delivery...

Hello
Thank you very much for your reply on my email , i am okay with the price on the order . I am buying the product for my company in West Africa,and i will like you to contact the shipping company that will be coming to your location for pick up so that you can get me the shipping quote and add it to my order cost so that i can make payment right away .Below is the information.
1.Pick up address (your address)
2.Delivery address Mr Set Ofori( 3444 home st accra ghana ,west africa)
3. Weight of the product

Below is the shipping companies email address

mcdan_shippingcompany@yahoo.com

I will like you to go ahead and send them an email requesting for a shipping quote on my order.As soon as you hear back from them just send me an email with the total price including shipping so that i can make the full payment to you.
Hope to hear from you as soon as possible.
Fred Williams

On 5-6-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Fred,

Please forgive the delay in responding to you. I suffer from psychotic fugue and occasionally find myself working as a roadie for a Mormon Tabernacle Choir tribute band. Fortunately I came to just before I was about to board a plane for Canberra.

I will contact your shipper right away.

Thank you for your patience.

Jimmy

On 5-6-10, Fred wrote:
Jimmy,am sorry to hear this but i hope you are now okay,jimmy can you provide me with your phone number or give me a call on this number 315-308-xxxx.Thank you

On 5-6-10, Vladdio wrote to the “shipper”
Dear Shipper,

Fred Williams, bon vivant, has asked that I contact you with information regarding the shipment of fence from my location to his. Below are the specifics:

1) Pick-up address:
18000 Chattahattagoochie Drive
Hemminahemmina, Nevada, 53794

2) Delivery address:
Mr. Set Ofori
3444 Homo St.
Accra, Ghana, West Africa

3) Weight of the parcel: 6,120 lbs

Thank you in advance for a speedy response. This shipment contains a critical medicine which will allow the lame to walk, the blind to see, the deaf to hear, and the ugly to find true love.

Jimmy Changa

On 5-6-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Fred,

I was just sending my info over to your shipper when I received your most delightful email.

Thank you so much for your sympathy.

As I said in a previous email I cannot give you our business phone number since we only work via the internet. There is no phone in the entire building.

Would you like my personal phone number? That might be the best course of action.

Jimmy.

On 5-6-10, Fred Williams wrote:
Yes give me your personal phone number.

On 5-9-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Fred,

I'm sorry to have to tell you this but I recently discovered that my cell phone is missing.

Since I rarely use it, it may have been missing for as much as 2 weeks. The last time I remember using it, I was calling the police to report another UFO siting on the Nevada desert. And I don't want to sound alarmist but it's very possible and in fact likely that I was abducted by aliens. I have evidence of unexplainable surgical scars all over my body, particularly about my thumbs and ears.

And I think - and it's just a suspicion - that the aliens took my cell phone. Every weeknight at about 9:00 I hear a dial tone and then voices in my head telling me to sing Karaoke. This is so strange because I visit one particular Karaoke bar every weeknight.

In any case we'll have to continue communicating via email until I can get a replacement cell phone.

I'm still waiting for price information from your shipper.

Jimmy

On 5-12-10, Vladdio wrote:
Fred,

When can I expect to hear from your shipper?

Jimmy

Collin Oooooak

2011-07-11T04:51:00.000-07:00

....of the world-renowned Australian Oooooaks

From: chrismiller234@googlemail.com [mailto:collinoooooak@gmail.com]
Sent: Saturday, March 27, 2010 8:13 AM
Subject: Mail Order..........

On 3-27-10, Luda Johnson wrote:
Hello Sales i would like to order some product from your store to mine in australia .so let me know if can ship down to australia so that i can email you the product i am interested in.also Payment will be done via credit card details if you do accept that let me know so that i can place my order and the Items will be picked Up by my shipping Company at you store,please Get back to me so that i can email you the items i am interested .address:21/49 Norcal Road Nunawading, Victoria Australia 3131 Phone (+61 ) 9873 xxxx Fax (+61 ) 9873 xxxx Thanks

On 3-29-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Chris Miller or Mr. Collin Oooooak,

Thank you for your interest in our products.

We can ship anywhere in the world - including Australia.

We accept all major credit cards.

I do not know which of our products you are interested in. I can send you our newest catalogue, if you'd like.

Meanwhile, please note the following items we have recently marked down.

Fluke Hats - sizes 6 1/4 to 22 1/2 - Stainless steel - Blue in color - ALL sizes: $24.95 each (orders of 10 receive $15% discount)
Fluke Suspenders - Red and White Striped - one size fits all - $12.95 each
Fluke Athletic Supporters - Yellow in color - adjustable sizes - $22.95 each
Fluke Black Armbands - Black in color - Velcro attachment - $4.95 each (lots of 25 or more receive 10% discount)

Please let me know if you are interested in any of these products.

Thank you.

Vin Diagraham
Sales
Vladdio Specialty Products
Exclusive distributor of Fluke Products.
"If It's a Fluke, It's No Fluke!"

On 3-29-10, Luda Johnson wrote:
Subject: total cost needed

Hello,
Thank for your email, I would like to proceed with my order via email, here is what I will like to order to My store
1, Fluke Athletic Supporters - Yellow in color - adjustable sizes - $22.95 each QTY:30
2, Fluke Suspenders - Red and White Striped - one size fits all - $12.95 each QTY:40
3,Fluke Hats - sizes 6 1/4 to 22 1/2 - Stainless steel - Blue in color - ALL sizes: $24.95 each QTY:40
I will like you to get back to me with the total cost of the order and please do not include the Shipping Cost because the items will be picked up by our shipping Agent .kindly get Back to me if this items is in stock because I do not want any delay on this.
Regards
Thank you

On 3-29-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Luda Johnson,

In only 2 emails from your company, I seem to be dealing with 3 different people. First there was Mr. Chris Miller and Mr. Collin Oooooak, and now there is you, Mr. Luda Johnson.

For the sake of simplicity, I would prefer to deal with only one representative from your organization. Your choice. (Personally I'd like to deal with Mr. Oooooak. I have reason to believe that we may be distantly related. Oooooak is an uncommon name and I have an uncle who married a woman named Rita Oooooak. Although truth be told, she spelled her name with 6 "o"s and not 5. However, I think the pronunciation is the same. It is "Ooo-ooo-ak". Or if you prefer "Oo-ooo-ak".)

As to the costs:
Fluke Athletic Supporters - Yellow in color - adjustable sizes - $22.95 each x 30 = $688.50
Fluke Suspenders - Red and White Striped - one size fits all - $12.95 each x 40 = $518.00
Fluke Hats - sizes 6 1/4 to 22 1/2 - Stainless steel - Blue in color - ALL sizes: $24.95 each x 40 = $998.00

You total cost is $2,204.50.

Everything is in stock.

Please let me know how you'd like to proceed.

Thank you.

Vin Diagraham
Sales
Vladdio Specialty Products
Exclusive distributor of Fluke Products.
"If It's a Fluke, It's No Fluke!"

On 3-29-10, Luda Johnson wrote:
Hi
I'm ready to pay the bills send me an invoice via mail and i will email you my Credit Card. But i just got a response from my shipping Agent that he cannot receive payment via credit or debit card from me at the moment. So i want you to help me Charge another $850.00 to a shipping agent who is going to pick up my ordered items from you and Some of Our Items Order in Canada.
The $850.00 that will be sent to the shipping agent is for the shipping of my order plus other items i ordered from different countries which will be deduct from my credit card.Also,I'm compensating you with the sum of $150.00 for the transfer fee and for your efforts.. Please note that i should have given the shipping agency my credit card for him to deduct the shipping funds but he told me that he doesn't have the facilities to charge or debit credit card,so that's why i bring my vote of confidence in you and i don't want you to betray the vote of confidence i put in you, so i want you to transfer the funds to him after you have make the charges and the money charged from my credit card is in your account,then you can now make the transfer to the agent via western union.i will have love to do this my self but there no western union here around me,So the charges you'll make on my credit card will be:
Order Fee ($2,204.50.)
Agent fee with shipping fare ( $850.00 )
Transfer Fee plus Your Compensation ( $150.00 )
Total:($3,204.50.)
Note that my credit card will be charged for the amounts above.Please do get back to me if you are in the office right now so that i can forward my credit card details to you , then you can charge full amount and transfer the agent funds to him via western union or money gramm.await to read from you if you can assist me .Luda

On 3-29-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Luda,

You did not tell me if I would be dealing with Collin Oooooak, or Chris Miller, or with you.

Who will it be? Whose credit card information will I be receiving?

Also, $150.00 is not enough. When we act as intermediary between a company and a shipper, we typically receive a $250 convenience fee from the customer. Please acknowledge that $250.00 is acceptable to you. And please recalculate the total.

I will then send the invoice.

Also, did you pass on my information to Mr. Oooooak. I'm sure he would be interested in finding a possible relative in the United States.

Thank you.

Vin Diagraham
Sales
Vladdio Specialty Products
Exclusive distributor of Fluke Products.
"If It's a Fluke, It's No Fluke!"

Because He Stuck His Head out of the Window of a Moving Train

2011-07-09T09:20:00.000-07:00

....I became a limo driver and a helicopter stunt pilot. Go figure.

From: Klean Micheal [mailto: klean.micheal@yahoo.ca]
Sent: Friday, March 05, 2010 12:20 PM
To: klean.micheal@yahoo.ca
Subject: Hello Dear,

On 3-5-10, Amina Ali wrote:
Hello Dear,

Please my dear, do not feel embarrassed by my mail to you.

I am Mrs. AminA Ali, the wife of late Dr. Ibrahim Ali, a prominent business man and pro-human right defender /member of the movement for national freedom before his death here in Philippine .

During my late husband's lifetime, he deposited the total sum of $12.5 million dollars in a security company abroad- Cote D'Ivoire ( Ivory Coast) for the up keeping/ future of our children namely Mustafa and sarah Ali and informed me concerning this fund which he put and secured in a metallic box in a security and finance company abroad.

This deposit was coded under a secret arrangement as a family treasure. This means that the security company does not even know the content of this trunk box. I am contacting you because I want you to help me in securing this money in the box for the future and education of my children because I can not be able to do so due to my deteriorating bad health situation.

I will make available to you 15% of the total money for your efforts in securing the box. I shall be expecting your reply- mail so that i will give you the contact of this security company and all the security information and documents to enable them release this box to you without difficulty or delay, please get back to me at: (amina.baby37@yahoo.ca )

Best regards
Mrs. Amina Ali.

On 3-5-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mrs. Amina Ali,

You contacted me at exactly the right time.

How can I help you?

Byp Staccato
Vladdio Pasta, Inc.

On 3-5-10, Amina Ali wrote:
From: Amina Baby [mailto:amina.baby37@yahoo.ca]
Subject: THANK FOR YOUR HELP

Dearest Beloved vladdio pasta,
Thanks so much for receipt of your acknowledged mail received,Iam very gratefull as regards to your interest and willingness to assist me in this transaction My Heaven Father will surely Bless you Mightly without measure.

However i appreciate your word and i contacted you as i earlier inform you in my format mail i sent to you,So i want you to stand for me as my Late Husband foreign business associate as he stated in the agreement he made with the security finance company where he deposited this matallic trunk box as family valuables,My late husband stated as follows,That his foreign associate will come over to this country Cote D'Ivoire Abidjan Economic capital city of this country to claim this trunk box meant for onward business transaction over sea.

Note i want you to bring up your whole hearted mind to assist me to retrive this trunk box from the security finance company and invest the money to a viable business of your choice in your country and help us to secure papers to come over to your country to enable my children have Good education and Good environmental atmosepher in your country,Please remember that i have explained to you about my health condition,Iam sick of Leukamia cancer,Beside iam not business inclined and my children is not of age and this is the only livelihood i inherited from my Late Husband hence it the only future hope of my children.

Moreso remember that the security company does not know the content of this matallic trunk box as money,Note it was deposited as Family valuables to avoid inspection and comfiscate of the box,i have resorted to offer you 15% Of the Total Value and set aside 5% for any incuring expenses you may incure during the period of this transaction,Meanwhile i have repose all confidence in you believing that you will not betray the confidence i repose on you when you secure this trunk box from the security company.I will give you the Deposit certificate Number and the security certificate Number that was issued to my late husband for proof of ownership of this trunk box as well the data information of the security company in my next mail as soon as i receive your mail.It will be required of you to send me your details information to enable me to submit it to the security company making you Legal beneficiary of this trunk box.

Below are the required information,

1) YOUR FULL NAME.
2) YOUR COMPLETE ADDRESS.
3) YOUR STATE OF ORIGINE.
4) YOUR MARITAL STATUS.
5) YOUR OCCUPATION.
6) YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER.

Note,as soon as i receive this information i will give you all other relevant information that will empower you to claim this trunk box from the security company when i shall be very please to supply further information you may desire.

Thanks.
Yours sincerely.
Mrs Amina ALI.

On 3-5-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Amina,

Please excuse me for the correction I am about to make, but my name is NOT Vladdio Pasta. It's Byp Staccato.

Vladdio Pasta is the company I work for. Perhaps you've eaten some of our products? Or perhaps you've seen our commercials on TV? Maybe you've heard our radio commercial? We have a cute little infectious song - a jingo really - that most people remember because of the lyrics. It goes like this:

Goober died a coward's death. Will you? Will you?
He burned and screamed; he bled. With poison on his rotten breath. Will you? Will you?
A kitten chokes on Pasta Balls; a monkey slits its throat.
Don't eat the worms, cried Admiral Hank.
They're in the pocket of my coat.
If the Pasta isn't tender, dear, I'll call my cousin Frank.
It's VLADDIO! It's VLADDIO!
Hubba-hubba. You, you, you, you............

That's only the first verse. You probably know the rest anyway. It's very popular.

So you want me to act as your dead husband's business associate. Not a problem. But I'm guessing I'm going to have to pay my own way over to the Ivory Coast. I don't see a problem with that either since I'll be getting 15% of $12,500,000.00. By my calculations, that means I'll be getting close to 6 MILLION DOLLARS. I can handle that. We can talk later about what kind of charities you want me to give this money to. There's no rush.

Here's the info you asked for:

1) YOUR FULL NAME. Byp Drambuie Staccato
2) YOUR COMPLETE ADDRESS. 4565 Noodles Way
2a) MY CITY. Provolone
3) YOUR STATE OF ORIGINE. Vermont
3a) MY ZIP CODE. 08405
4) YOUR MARITAL STATUS. First I was single. Then divorced 4 times. Widowered 2 times. Married now.
5) YOUR OCCUPATION. Limo Driver for Mr. Vladdio at Vladdio Pasta, Inc.
6) YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER. Don't have one. I use the internet for everything including phone calls.

Byp Staccato
Vladdio Pasta, Inc.

On 3-7-10, Amina Ali wrote:
Subject: PLS DO AS THEY INSTRUCT
hello.Byp Staccato

This are the information required

1,Deposit certificate Number A3271258A

2, security certificate Number 90004b egib security company

Provide them with this infromation .i have infromed them and they side you should Contact them on their above email address which is info_egibsecurity@mail2Coastguard.com and i have submited
all information you send to me.to them

That you are my late husband business associat whom i have entrusted this metallic box to. this will enpower you to have ascess to this metallic box .i wish you the best of all GOD will surelly see you true

Thanks.
Yours sincerely.
Mrs Amina ALI.

On 3-7-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Amina,

Thank you for calling me by my name.

I will copy you the email I send to them.

Byp

On 3-7-10, Vladdio wrote to the “security company”:
Dear Sir or Madam or Both,

My name is Byp Staccato. I am a foreign business associate of the late Dr. Ibrahim Ali, who was - as you may know - a prominent businessman, a pro-human right defender, a male model, and a horse whisperer. The untimely death of Dr. Ali has come as a shock to everyone, including - but not limited to - his wife Amina "Baby" Ali, his daughter Mustafa, and his son Sarah. I believe there is a lesson to be learned here, and I believe that Dr. Ali would agree that if more people understood the dangers of sticking ones head out of a fast moving train, less people would die. My friend and partner, "Ibby" (as he liked to be called) gave his life as a caution for the possibility of future senseless decapitations. Let us all bow our heads - while we still have them - and say a silent prayer for the end of these tragedies.

I am placing this claim in order to receive access to a metal box on deposit at your facility.

Please note: THIS METAL BOX DOES NOT CONTAIN MONEY IN THE AMOUNT OF $12.5 MILLION DOLLARS. The only thing in this box is pornography and a collection of bow-ties.

The Deposit Certificate Number is A3271258A

and the Security Certificate Number is 90004b egib.

Also, Dr. Ali would have wanted everyone at your bank to eat Vladdio Pasta. Since 1924 Vladdio Pasta has made pasta the way mama used to make it. Vladdio! Your kids will love it!

Thank you,

Byp Staccato

On 3-8-10, the “security company” wrote:
From: egib security [mailto: info_egibsecurity@mail2Coastguard.com]
Subject: Re: Claims!
EGIB-SECURITY COMPANY ( IMPORT-EXPORT) FINANCE COMPANY
11 AV.JOSEPH ANOMA, 01 BP 4132 ABJ 01
TEL: +2256632.7720
FAX: +22566854115
CONTACT PERSON: Dr. Clifford Ahmed (Ph.d ) / ( Dir. Int´l )
Email: info_egibsecurity@mail2Coastguard.com

Sir,
This Honourable security company hereby acknowledges the receipt of your mail
How ever we will like you to reconfrim your following address to make
A propal arrangment.
1.YOUR COMPLETE ADDRESS...................
2.YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER.........................
3.YOUR OCCUPATION.................................................
4.YOUR STATE COUNTRY.....................................................
5.YOUR NATIONAL ID ..................................................................................
This will give us more backups
Thanks From
Dr. Clifford Ahmed

On 3-8-10, Vladdio wrote:
Subject: I need some advice from YOU, Amina!

Dear Amina,

I just received the following email from the Finance Company today.

I don't know what kind of doctor this Clifford Ahmed is but I suspect he must have gotten his degree from a child's magazine. His speling is atroscious. And what's a "backup"?

Before I answer his stupid questions I wanted to show them to you. Is there anything I need to know? For example, my real occupation is "limo driver" but I already said in my last email to him that I was your dead husband's business associate. Unless your husband was also a "limo driver", that answer won't come across as believable. I could say that I am an investment banker and that I drive limo both as a hobby and as therapy for some anger management classes that I was forced to take. Would that be OK?

Hurry back with your answer, dear Amina Baby. I want to get the money as soon as possible. I already know what casino I think we should invest your money in.

Thank you,

Byp Staccato

On 3-10-10, Vladdio wrote to the “security company”:
Dear Dr. Clifford Ahmed,

I was waiting for some guidance on how to answer the questions you sent me but apparently I was waiting in vain.

I will now endeavor to do this solo.

To your questions:

1.YOUR COMPLETE ADDRESS.........................4565 Noodles Way, Provolone, Vermont 08405
2.YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER......................... I don't have one. I use the internet exclusively
3.YOUR OCCUPATION.......................................... I am a helicopter stunt pilot, just like my good friend and business associate, Ibby Ali.
4.YOUR STATE COUNTRY..................................... My state is Vermont and my country is the U. S. A. Therefore my STATE COUNTRY is Vermontusa.
5.YOUR NATIONAL ID ............................................ Yes
I believe that I have answered all of your questions truthfully and to the best of my ability and recollection. God may strike me down if any of these answers are wrong.
Thank you,

Byp Staccato
Helicopter Stunt Pilot

PS. Eat Vladdio Pasta! It's Gooooooooood!

On 3-10-10, Amina Ali wrote:
Subject: OK
dear Vladdio
pls am with you asyou know am still in the hospitalpraying GOD for
my survival
thnaks
mrs amina

On 3-10-10, Vladdio wrote:
Hang in there Amina Baby!

I have a feeling this Dr. Ahmed character will be contacting me pretty soon. It would suck if you died before he got back to me. I mean, what would happen to the money?

And I know I shouldn't mind being called "Vladdio" by you, especially since you're so sick. Maybe you're even having convulsions and hallucinations. But stupid mistakes about my name just piss me off, no matter what the health of the person calling me Vladdio. And you're not the first, either.

So do me a favor, get well soon. And stop being so stupid calling me Vladdio. It's "Byp" BYP! Like in the book, "Byp and the Floozy from Florence" and "Byp: The Man and the Myth".

Byp Staccato

On 3-10-10, the “security company” wrote:
Subject: YOUR URGENT RESPONS
EGIB-SECURITY COMPANY ( IMPORT-EXPORT) FINANCE COMPANY
11 AV.JOSEPH ANOMA, 01 BP 4132 ABJ 01
TEL: +2256632.7720
FAX: +22566854115
CONTACT PERSON: Dr. Clifford Ahmed (Ph.d ) / ( Dir. Int´l )
Email: info_egibsecurity@mail2Coastguard.com

Sir,
This Honourable security company hereby acknowledges the receipt of your mail and the accompanying information send to us by mrs amina ali

And wish to inform you that after due and successful verification with your information as submitted to us,you are hereby required to visit our office within 7 days of your receiving this mail commencing from today, the 10rd day of febu, 2010 to apply and procure from the High Court of Justice (here) the relevant documentations namely (a.) an affidavit of change of ownership and (b.) Court Mandamus to enable this company to relise this metallic box as instructed.
In the alternative, that is, if you will NOT be able to come down here (to this country) within the stipulated time frame, then be advised to solicit the services of one of the independent Lawyers/Attorneys attached/affiliated to our company who will assist you go to the said High Court here on your behalf and procure the relevant documents.barrister micheal okonkwo

Please take NOTE that the metallic box we seek to send to you can neither be dealt with, withdrawn nor acted upon in any form whatsoever until the relevant documents are obtained from the above said court ( either by you or your accredited attorney/lawyer acting on your behalf).
Thank for your
Anticipetion
Dr. Clifford Ahmed

On 3-10-10, Vladdio wrote:
Subject: FW: OK
Dear Amina,

HE FELL FOR IT!! I can hardly believe it!

I included Dr. Ahmed's email in this one so you can see.

So what do I have to do next? Should I book a flight to.... where is it anyway? Where is the "metallic box"? Is it in the Ivory Coast or is it in the Philippines? I haven't been to either one.

This is so exciting! $6 million dollars!

Please stay alive dear Amina Baby. Don't die on me, lady. Not yet.

What do I do next?

Byp

On 3-14-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Amina,

Are you alright? I haven't heard from you in 4 days, and I'm concerned that you might have died before arranging to get the money to me. In fact I went to church today. I prayed that God would delay your certain demise just long enough for me to get that money.

Please tell me you're still alive!

I'm worried.

Byp

PS. What are you going to do with your personal belongings when you die? Is there anything of value among them? Could you supply me with a detailed inventory? Thanks.

On 3-16-10, I got this very weird reply:
hello nigga
whats up my name is klean their is know need tellin ourselfs lie
i want to be your friend so we can work to gether to make so money
i want you to saerch for some good email contact and send to me

thanks mr
klean

Am I Supposed to Apologize to Every Dead President?

2011-07-08T20:37:00.000-07:00

....I am? Okay. Sorry about this one, Abe!

From: Cole Pfeifer [mailto:colepfeiferandmore@gmail.com]
Sent: Friday, February 26, 2010 8:20 AM
To: vladdio@comcast.net
Subject: Pool Pump Order.

On 2-26-10, Cole Pfeifer wrote:
Hello
I would like to know if you do sell or have this pool pump below:

Model YG2BK - "John Wilkes Pool Pump" - 500HP w/bass.

Let me know the total price for 20 pieces plus sales tax and excluding shipping cost. Also let me know if you do accept credit cards for payment.

Regards.
Cole.

[This new "order" came as a surprise since this scammer hadn't contacted me as "Cole Pfeifer" before. I figure that he either forgot that he had already contacted me as "Samuel Harrison" - see "With Apologies to President Garfield" - or my contact information was sent to him by another scammer. In any case, I don't care. I was just happy to have him on board!]

On 3-1-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Piper,

The item you are inquiring about (Model YG2BK - "John Wilkes Pool Pump" - 500HP w/bass) is available.

It lists as retail for $385. Twenty (20) pieces to you would mean $7,700.00

9.5% Tax brings your total to $8,431.50

We accept all major credit cards.

Please let me know how you would like to proceed.

Thank You.

Huskerdu Glockenspiel
Random Tax Analyst, Vladdio Pump-A-Rama, Inc.

On 3-1-10, Cole Pfeifer wrote:
Would like to go for a reduce quantity of 10.Let me know the total quote for them plus sales tax and excluding shipping cost.

Also let me know your phone number.

On 3-1-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Pfeifer,

Please excuse the mistaken spelling of your name in the previous email. I was out drinking very heavily last night and when I responded to you this morning my mind was still a bit fuzzy. And to be honest, Pfeifer is such an unusual name. When I first read it I blew a Bloody Mary right through my nose laughing.

Of course we can reduce the order by half, and your cost on 10 units would be $3,850.00. With 11.625% Tax ($447.56), your total cost is $4,297.56.

8.25% Sales tax (354.55) on top of that would make your total brings your total to $4,652.11.

If I exclude the shipping costs your total is still $4,652.11

About the phones: Even though we still have internet connection we don't have the phone line back up and working yet. The tsunami knocked out a lot of the infrastructure. (In fact "that goddamned son-of-a-bitch of a wave" - that's what we call it - got everything wet. I've been trying to do my laundry all weekend but my washer is filled with mud and crawfish and empty beer cans. And every toilet in my neighborhood is backed up. The smell is amazing... if you like that sort of thing.) Our cell phones only work occasionally. We had better figure this sale and transaction going completely via email.

Thank You.

Huskerdu Glockenspiel
Random Tax Analyst, Vladdio Pump-A-Rama, Inc.

On 3-1-10, Cole Pfeifer wrote:
Subject: Freight Delivery for the Pool Pump Order.
Thank you and i would like you to contact Inter Freight Shipping Logistics (allquotes@deliveryman.com or infointfsl@gmail.com) to have the freight cost for sending the Pool Pumps to the address or consignee below.

Email them with the number of boxes, pallets or skids, total weight and dimensions, type of product being shipped, your full location address and the consignee address below. A quote will be sent to you and i will subsequently pay that as well with a credit card and you then proceed and send the freight company with that (funds) once it CLEARS your bank for the pickup to be made. Here is the consignee address below:

Consignee:
Jeremy Gates
Angle Delmas 44 & Delmas #120
Port Au Prince
Haiti.

Email them with all necessary information for the freight cost to be given and email me to let me know when you get that from them.

On 3-1-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Allquotes,

Please see the information contained in this email regarding a shipment of 10 pool pumps.

This shipment will be prepared as follows:

- No boxes, pallets, or skids are involved in this shipment. We follow the ancient Polynesian tradition of shipping everything we manufacture in paper bags.
- There will be 10 bags, each weighing 145 lbs. Total weight = 1,450 lbs.
- The pick-up address is:

2001 Spacoddicy Drive
Gumbo, LA 70053

Thank You.

Huskerdu Glockenspiel
Random Tax Analyst, Vladdio Pump-A-Rama, Inc.

On 3-2-10, the shipper wrote:
INTER FREIGHT SHIPPING LOGISTICS : SHIPPING AND REGISTRATION QUOTE
852 RIVERSIDE DRIVE, MACON, GA 31201 EMAIL: allquotes@deliveryman.com, infointfsl@gmail.com

Dear customer:
Thank you for contacting INTER FREIGHT SHIPPING LOGISTICS where your shipping needs are met at a lower cost. We are glad to have you on board.

Here is the quote to deliver to:
Jeremy Gates
Angle Delmas 44 & Delmas #120
Port Au Prince
Haiti.

Pick Up: At your location (2001 Spacoddicy Drive, Gumbo, LA 70053).
Dimensions: N/A.
Type of goods: Pool Pumps.
Quantity of goods: Ten (10) Bags.
Total Weight: 1,450 Lbs.

Freight 1 + Custom Duties & Taxes === ---- $3, 945.48 for International Air Express ( 1 to 3 bus. days ).

Freight 2 + Custom Duties & Taxes === ---- $2, 950.62 for International Air Express Economy ( 3 to 7 bus. days ).

Pick Up Time: 12:00 pm to 04:30 pm Monday - Saturday

That's the most cost effective freight charges we can offer on the above info.

Note: Freight charges depends on WEIGHT & DISTANCE.

PAYMENTS:
We request a Full payment of shipping charges before pick up is made.
We advise our valued customers to make shipping payment in time to facilitate pick up.

Note: At the moment Inter Freight Shipping Logistics ONLY accepts payment via Bank (Wire) Transfer or MoneyGram. And since money transfers are only made to individual names verifiable, we accept payments in the name of MR. GABIENU ISRAEL ( Export / Import Manager ). When payment is made, we will need you to return to us via email with the following info below :

The Name of Sender.

Reference Number (Number given by the MoneyGram agent ) Can be found on the receipt given to you by the MoneyGram agent.

The Secret Test Question and Answer used.

The Total Amount Sent.

We look forward to meeting your shipping needs soon.
Reply to this email with any questions you may have pertaining to shipping with us.

Our Head office is Located in Accra, Ghana. We cover the whole of Africa, Georgia, Alaska, Asia and Some parts of Australia. In the USA, our partner company takes care of our shipping needs as soon as payment is received at the Head Office.

Send the funds via Bank (Wire) Transfer or MoneyGram to:

Bank Transfer Details:
Bank Name: Ecobank Ghana

Bank Address:
19, Seventh Avenue
Ridge West Accra - 001

Account Name: Israel Edem Gabienu

Account Number: 0010034415396901

Swift Code: ECOCGHAC

MoneyGram Details:
Recepients Name:
MR. GABIENU ISRAEL
10 FACTORY LANE
ACCRA - GHANA 00233

NB: After all payments are confirmed via Bank (Wire) Transfer or MoneyGram, a confirmation invoice plus shipping confirmation will be sent back to you as soon as possible.

Thank You.
Secretary,
Jack McBride.

On 3-3-10, Cole Pfeifer wrote:
Have you contacted the freight/shipping company yet for the freight quote?

Get back to me and let me know today so we may proceed from there.

On 3-3-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Pfeifer,

I'm sorry about the delay in contacting the shipper. I spent the last two evening in jail, arrested for looting. They were bogus charges, I assure you.

The owner of the appliance store was in the hospital with a concussion and I was helping him relocate some of his merchandise to my house for safe-keeping. In fact about 30 good neighbors just like me were also helping him. Many of them ran home for dinner when the police arrived and were never arrested. I was testing out a set of headphones for a boom box I was carrying and didn't hear them arrive. C'est la vie.

I'll contact the shipper right now.

Thank You.

Huskerdu Glockenspiel
Random Tax Analyst, Vladdio Pump-A-Rama, Inc.

On 3-3-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Pfeifer,

Apparently the shipper did contact me with the costs while I was in the slammer. His information is included in this email. He seems to have too much information and puts it ALL in his emails.

You should note that there are two prices he gives. Please leave me out of this. How you decide to ship is your business. How the money is transferred to him is your business.

If you need my participation in any of this transaction, let me know. Just tell me what you want me to do.

I may not be available everyday though. Besides having to go to court for the looting charges, I am also fighting other charges which I am completely innocent. This week I'll be appearing at my hearing for both armed robbery and home invasion. (Bogus!) And then next Monday and Wednesday I'll be defending myself against racketeering and numbers charges. Then on Thursday, it's back to Family Court. (My wife believes she has proof that I have two other wives.) The rest of March is pretty filled up. I have 8 DUI charges and 3 drug dealing charges that I also need to fight.

But please continue with the order. I'll respond when I'm most able

Thank You.

Huskerdu Glockenspiel
Random Tax Analyst, Vladdio Pump-A-Rama, Inc.

On 3-3-10, Cole Pfeifer wrote:
Just get back to me when you are done with your court cases.

On 3-3-10, Vladdio wrote:
Cole,

I don't want you to think I can't handle the small task of shipping 10 bags of pool pumps. I can.

My legal.... adventures are a minor inconvenience at best. Don't worry about them. Even if I do have to serve some time (and I swear I'm innocent) I'll have people on the outside who can... expedite things for me. In fact right now my good friend, "The Crusher" is helping "interview" a so-called witness against me. He's helping her remember things that she may have remembered the wrong way. The Crusher will do exactly what I say. You'll get your pumps. I promise.

The tsunami didn't stop me. Neither will the cops.

So how do you want to handle the payment and shipping? Just tell me.

Thank You.

Huskerdu Glockenspiel
Random Tax Analyst, Vladdio Pump-A-Rama, Inc.

On 3-3-10, Cole Pfeifer wrote:
Would like to get you the credit card for you to run through for all that.

On 3-5-10, Vladdio wrote:
Mr. Culpepper,

Yes. Please get me that information ASAP.

But first please choose the freight option you'd like to go with. You shipper gave you these two choices:

Freight 1 + Custom Duties & Taxes === ---- $3, 945.48 for International Air Express ( 1 to 3 bus. days ).

Freight 2 + Custom Duties & Taxes === ---- $2, 950.62 for International Air Express Economy ( 3 to 7 bus. days ).

By the way, I'm considering relocating to sunnier climes. I see that you live in Ghana and your shipper is in Haiti. Do you think I might fit in at either one of these exotic lands? And would you know they these places have any extradition treaties with the United States? Just wondering.

Thank You.

Huskerdu Glockenspiel
Random Tax Analyst, Vladdio Pump-A-Rama, Inc.

On 3-5-10, Cole Pfeifer wrote:
Which you well in all that you do.

Pray you rot in jail that is if what you told me is true.

On 3-5-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Pepper,

Thank you for your good wishes and thank you for your prayers.

I believe in the American judicial system so I'm confident that I will remain a free man. God wants all innocent men (and some guilty ones) to be free. And so I shall be... I hope.

About the shipping, if I were you I would choose the "Freight 2" since it is less expensive. And unless you are in critical need of the pool pumps, 4 extra days won't matter.

Will you be paying the shipper directly. I would prefer it to be that way, but if need be, I will act as a liaison.

Please get back to me with your credit card right away. The clock is ticking!

Thank You.

Huskerdu Glockenspiel
Random Tax Analyst, Vladdio Pump-A-Rama, Inc

On 3-5-10, Cole Pfeifer wrote:
Cancel the order.

On 3-5-10, Vladdio wrote:
Mr. Piper! WHY!

Please don't cancel the order, Mr. Piper. It's your show of good faith in me that keeps me from drinking a whole lot more than I do now.

I can give you special pricing if that helps. Truly, please don't cancel the order.

We're ready to ship. The bags are ready. I even double-bagged them!

Please!

I need this. Did I tell you about my children? They're beautiful kids and I love them but if I lose this job, I'm going to have to sell about a half dozen of them. Don't make me do it. Please!

Thank You.

Huskerdu Glockenspiel
Random Tax Analyst, Vladdio Pump-A-Rama, Inc

We ALL Loved Hector Munoz...

2011-07-06T19:52:00.000-07:00

...don't let the bullying and abuse fool you.

From: randy2g8@gmail.com [mailto:randy2g8@gmail.com] On Behalf Of Frank Munoz
Sent: Wednesday, February 24, 2010 8:31 AM
Subject: ORDER REQUEST

On 2-24-10, Frank Munoz wrote:
Dear Sir / Madam
Am Mr Frank Munoz got in contact with your company to see if you sell ( Safety Fence ) , if you do i will like you to email me with the picked up price including tax and if you accept Master or Visa credit card as a form of payment , but if you don't have this type kindly email me with the types that you have or the one nearer to the one am requesting or you can direct me to you website so i can see what you have for sale .

With kind regards,
Frank.

On 2-24-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Munoz,

Your email was forwarded to me. I am Otis Lupin of Vladdio Safety Fence Co.

I'm sorry to say that we are only now designing a website for our company. However we do have a catalogue that I could send you. Please provide a mailing address.

Even though our 250 page catalogue contains over 200,000 optional combinations of color, height, length, thickness, flavor, texture, and etiquette, our most popular model is 23' sections of "Banana Yellow" mesh on "Fire Engine Red" poles, textured as red rice resin.

This model (23BYmFERpRRR) is $187 per section.

Most people order 30 sections. The total price would be $5,610.00 not counting shipping.

We have this in stock.

We accept ALL major credit cards.

Please let me know how you would like to proceed.

Thank you.

Otis Lupin
Sales

On 2-25-10, Frank Munoz wrote:
Hello

Thank you for the total cost . I will be ordering the 30 sections. which is $5,610.00 . I will recommended you to a freight company for you to contact them for the pick up.So kindly email them with the quantity and the siez as well as the pick up location so that they will be able to provide you with the accurate quote.As soon as you get the quote kindly email me the total cost for both the item and the shipping cost so that i will make full payment with my credit card to you for you to start with the order.This is the freight company contact information

Shipping Company Name: Promag Shipping Inc
Contact Name: Captain Dennis
Contact Email Address: promagshippinginc@cooltoad.com

Delivery Address
Frank & Son's Inc,
Baanhoekweg 52
Dordrecht , Zuid-Holland
4313 the Netherlands

Email me with the total cost as soon as you hear back from the freight company .
Frank Munoz

On 2-28-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Frank,

Please forgive the delay in getting back to you. I had been accidentally locked in my wine cellar for the past 3 days.

I will contact your shipper tomorrow (Monday).

Otis

On 3-7-10, Vladdio wrote to the shipper:
Dear Captain Dennis,

Mr. Frank Munoz has directed me to request shipping costs from your company for the items detailed in this email.

The parcel will be palleted. The pallet will be 48" x 48" x 54" high. The parcel will weigh in at 620 lbs.

The pick up location is:
Vladdio Safety Fence Co.
716 Heroin Way
Methadone, TX 75089

Please hurry with the quote. I suffered a serious brain injury last weekend and should have gotten this information to Frank this past Monday.

Thank you.

Otis Lupin

On 3-8-10, the shipper wrote:
Dear Customer,
Thank you once again for contacting Promag Shipping Inc, for your shipping needs.We checked on shipping the pallet will be 48" x 48" x 54" high ,which has a total weight 620 lbs.Picking it up at your location to (Netherlands),And its going to cost $3,950.00. That includes international Air ( I.A.T),Tariffs and custom's`clearance duties.It takes approximately 5-7 days for delivery from the day of pick-up.

Pick up address below:
Vladdio Safety Fence Co.
716 Heroin Way
Methadone, TX 75089

Delivery Address:
Frank & Son's Inc,
Baanhoekweg 52
Dordrecht , Zuid-Holland
4313 the Netherlands

Company Policy : Payment made at Pick-up location only.
All fund must be paid Via Wire Transfer..
Thank you for choosing Promag Shipping Inc for your shipping needs..

Thanks in Advance
Captain Dennis
Int. Shipping Depart
Promag Shipping Inc

On 3-8-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Frank,

You shipper finally contacted me with the shipping costs.

I believe he may be incompetent since I sent him this information a week ago and it took him that long to get back to me. You might want to consider getting someone else for your shipping needs.

He gives the cost at $3,950.00. Have you thought about how you are going to handle this cost? If you'd like you could send me the full amount of the shipping plus the fence material order cost and I would pay the shipper from my end. I would only charge you $1,500 as a convenience charge for this service. Thusly:

$5,610.00 (fence) + $3,950.00 (shipping) = $9,560.00

Add the Service fee: $1,500.00 and your Grand Total is $11,060.00

Let me know.

By the way, I once went to school with a Hector Munoz. He was very ugly and he smelled horribly. Everybody hated him and after school we would chase him home, throwing rotten fruit and vegetables at him and calling him names. Sometimes we'd take turns dunking his head in the toilet. Once we tied him to the bumper of a bus and he disappeared for 4 days. Another time we threw him in an old storm drain and then threw in as much road kill as we could find. Mostly dead and squashed skunks, 'possum, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, field mice, things like that. When he finally got out the next day he smelled even worse and we hated him even more.

Do you think he might be a relative of yours? Wouldn't that be a coincidence!

Otis

On 3-8-10, Frank Munoz wrote:
Hello
Kindly Email me the grand total for the items cost including shipping
cost together for me so that i can email you back with my Credit Card
details for all payment asap. Provide the following information
below:

Items Cost:
Promag Shipping Inc Cost :
Grand total Cost :

I will be waiting for you with the information before i can proceed
with the payment for the order.
Regard

On 3-8-10, Frank Munoz wrote:
Thanks for your email,Can you email me back with your contact number so that i will call and finalize all payment...

On 3-8-10, Vladdio wrote:
Frank,

I'm beginning to think that you are an automated response program. I don't seem to be getting any personal feelings here.

Vladdio Safety Fence Company prides itself on customer service and one-on-one customer satisfaction. If a phone call to or from you means that I'll be speaking to voice mail or to a "Press 2 for technical support" type of interaction, we can end this transaction right now. Mr. Vladdio is quite direct in expressing his distaste for computer fakery. He demands human proactivity.

Frank, if you are not a human and if you cannot speak to me directly, please take your business elsewhere. I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Otis

On 3-8-10, Frank Munoz wrote:
can you email me with a contact number so i will call to proceed with the total payment.

On 3-8-10, Vladdio wrote:
Frank,

NO!

We will end our business together right now unless you address me as "Otis" and you answer my questions as I ask them.

DO NOT write to me unless you call me by my name.

Otis

With Apologies to President Garfield

2011-06-26T09:45:00.000-07:00

...but even the occasional assassin gets memorialized on a pool pump?

From: Samuel Harrison [mailto:samuel.harrison2@gmail.com]
Sent: Monday, February 22, 2010 9:58 AM
Subject: Pool Pumps Request

On 2-22-10, Samuel Harrison wrote:
Hello Sales,
I will like to know if you sell Pool Pumps? If yes can you e-mail me with few brands you have access for me to reply back with the model am interested to purchase.
Thank you.
Samuel

On 2-22-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Harrison,

Your email has been forwarded to me.

I am Stanley Ignzsczhski of Vladdio Superior Pool Pumps, Inc.

It would be best for me to send you a catalogue of our pool pumps. Please send me your mailing address.

Meanwhile, here are some of our top sellers:

Model YG2BK - "John Wilkes Pool Pump" - 500HP w/bass - $175 each
Model YGRL - "Lee Harvey Pool Pump" - 750HP w/fluke - $265 each
Model YGCSMD - "Lynette (Squeaky) Fromme Pool Pump" - 900HP w/scrod - $455 each. (Keep in mind that this one squeaks)
Model ICTOAM - "Charles Guiteau Pool Pump" - 1500HP w/tuna - $985 each

Stanley Ignzsczhski
Sales

On 2-22-10, Samuel Harrison wrote:
Hello,
Thanks for your e-mail.I need 4 of (Model ICTOAM - "Charles Guiteau Pool Pump" - 1500HP w/tuna - $985 each),what will be the grand total including tax to your location.

What method of payment do you accept through e-mail or phone?

On 2-22-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Harrison,

Your order of 4 pieces of Model ICTOAM - "Charles Guiteau Pool Pump" - 1500HP w/tuna @ $985 each is a total of $3,940.00

There is no tax.

All material is in stock and ready to ship.

We accept all major credit cards.

We prefer to conduct business by phone but since martial law was declared, we are forced to use email only. (I don't know where your business is located so I don't know if you are affected by this aborted junta. Are you?)

Thank you,

Stanley

On 2-22-10, Samuel Harrison wrote:
Hello Stanley,
Thanks very much for the quote.Am purchasing this Pool Pumps as a donation to a church organization for their up coming mission project that will be held very soon but i needed your help by contacting this freight company and ask them how much it will cost to ship the Pool Pumps from your location to Liberia and here is the freight company information:

Shipping Company Information
Name : Dolphin Ship Ltd
Web Site : Dolphinshipltd.Org/Under Construction
Email Address : dolphinshipltd@cooltoad.com

Delivery/Shipping Address:
Mark Newton
(Church Of Christ)
20th Street
Tubman Boulevard - Sinkor
Monrovia
Liberia

Kindly go ahead and contact the freight company through email and let them know the Weight and Dimensions or Quantity of the Pool Pumps and email me back with the final cost so that i can go ahead and send over my credit card details for you to charge and get everything in other.Thank you very much for your co-operation and look forward to hear from you shortly.

God Bless You.

Note: The shipping company will have the order picked up directly from your location and have them crate and packaging before delivery to the destination.

On 2-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Shipper,

Please see the information below regarding an order of Pool Pumps. YOU will be the shipper.

My customer, Sir Samuel Hildebrand Harrison Esq.., requires the shipping costs immediately.

The pumps will be in 1 (one) crate the dimensions of which will be 48" x 48" x 42" high.

The total weight (including crate) will be 1225 lbs.

The entire shipment will smell of lilacs.

The Pick-Up Location is:
Lilac Industrial Park
Unit 717
8200 Blue Lilac Drive
Mount Lilac, TX 78643

Thank you.

Stanley Ignzsczhski

On 2-23-10, the shipper wrote:
Dear Ms. Stanley Lgnzsczhski ,
Thanks for contacting Dolphin Ship Ltd where your shipment are met at lower cost.
THIS ARE THE CHARGES AND OUR METHOD OF PAYMENT AND POLICY
=============================================================================== Freight Charges
===============================================================================
PICK UP LOCATION: Lilac Industrial Park
Unit 717
8200 Blue Lilac Drive
&n! bsp; Mount Lilac, TX 78643
===============================================================================
FREIGHT CHARGES TO DELIVERY TO LIBERIA.
Mark Newton
(Church Of Christ)
20th Street
Tubman Boulevard - Sinkor
Monrovia
Liberia
The Quote for the Shipping is further broken down below :
================================================================================
Shipping Cost : $2100
International Airway Taxes (I.A.T) : $730
Tariffs and custom's clearance duties : $120
================================================================================
Total Quote for the Freight &nbs! p; : $2950.00
================================================================================
Please we need the Freight cost of : $2950 to ship to Liberia
================================================================================
This includes shipping , Tariffs and custom's clearance duties. Product is very secured in our custody and well protected until aim of delivery is excellently completed. It takes approximately 2-3 business working days for delivery from the day of pick-up.
SHIPPING PAYMENT OPTIONS :
We request a Full payment of shipping charges before pick up is made.We advise our valued customers to make shipping payment in time to facilitate pick up.
If you have any question,don't hesitate to contact us.
Best Regards
Mr.Thomas
Dolphin Ship Ltd

On 2-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Harrison,

Below find the shipping costs as stated by a Mr. Thomas Grant.

I believe the costs are very reasonable but I also believe that Thomas Grant must be a mean and spiteful idiot.

He refers to me as "Ms.". I can assure you, Mr. Harrison, that I am not only a man, but that I am, in fact, a MAN! To be addressed as a woman is a very serious matter to me as I have worked very hard to crush rumors and innuendos to the contrary. I can bench press 245 lbs. I sing as a baritone. I have ample hair all over my body and it is especially thick on my chest and rear end. I can - if requested - give the names and phone numbers to over 60 women who can vouch for my masculinity. The other stories Thomas Grant may have heard about me are ancient history. I was very young and foolish. I would bet that there are things in his past that he would not want others to know. The same may be true of you. I don't understand why - year after year - I am forced to defend myself against such malicious rumors.

I will not deal with Thomas Grant. If you decide that his company is the best one to use, that is your choice. But I will not meet with him. I have tolerated too many snide remarks and squelched giggles.

Thank you.

Stanley Ignzsczhski
A Very Manly Man

On 2-23-10, the shipper wrote:
Dear Ms.Stanley,
What it is your contact number to be reach at?
Thank You.
Mr.Thomas

On 2-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
HE DID IT AGAIN!

On 2-23-10, Samuel Harrison wrote:
Subject: Grand Total.
Stanley,
I don't know maybe he made mistake when typing to you.Please i need you to add the shipping cost to the cost of the pumps along with your credit card fees and let me know the final quote to proceed on with the order.

On 2-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Harrison (Can I call you Samuel?),

Thank you for your apology but the real apology should come from Mr. Thomas Grant. The insult came from him.

I'd like to think that you would never be as insensitive, dearest Sammy. I could never imagine you as being anything other than kind and compassionate. I'm sure if we ever met we could become friends; perhaps have a drink together or share a quiet dinner (or breakfast?) in a quaint little seaside inn I know. I imagine you'd be the kind of man to defend a true friend. Strong and powerful, you must be, with brawny arms and a child's smile.... do you ever visit Texas, dear Sammy?

....anyway. The material is $3,940.00 and the shipping is $2950.00. Together brings a total of $6,890.00

The credit card fees would be $137.80. I waive the fees if you can get Mr. Thomas Grant to apologize to me. That's the best I can do.

Yours truly,

Stanley Ignzsczhski

On 2-23-10, Samuel Harrison wrote
Stanley,
Thanks for the quote.Please add extra $250 to the grand total,use the $250 for your surcharges and let me know the final quote to proceed on with the order as soon as possible.

E-mail me with your phone number?

On 2-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dearest Sam,

Thank you for the $250. Adding that to the total of $6,890.00 you get $7,140.00.

I wish I could give you our phone number but the sad truth is that I can't.

Following the enactment of martial law, the newly formed government began confiscating all personal and commercial telephones. I have no idea when - or if - they will be returned. However that should not hold up our own business transaction.

Please continue with the order via email.

Your friend,

Stan

PS. Would you like a photo of me? I'd like one of you.

On 2-23-10, Samuel Harrison wrote:
Thanks for the quote.Here is my picture you requested and i will be waiting for yours.

On 2-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
Wow Sam!!

You're one good looking guy. And if I do say so myself, I'm one good looking guy too.

What's the chances of that, huh? Two good looking guys just learning about each other.

See my photo attached.

So let's get this show on the road, eh buddy?

Ready to finalize the order?

Stan

Zanzibar Orangestump

2011-02-11T09:01:00.000-08:00

...and the return of Fanork

From: Penni Baker [mailto:pennibaker@yahoo.com]
Sent: Monday, February 08, 2010 9:17 AM
Subject: Fence Order
Dear Sir /Madam

On 2-8-10, Penni Baker wrote:
My name is Penni Baker and am interested in some chain link fence.I need a Quote on size 6 feet high x 11 gauge , no poles and gates,only materials.I will much appreciate if you get back to me with the total pick up cost for 3000 feet and also advice if u accept credit card for payment ...Wish you all the best in business and hope to hear from you soon.

Regards,
Penni Baker.

On 2-8-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Ms. Baker,

Your email was forwarded to me. My company is Vladdio Indestructible Fence Co.

Please consider this your quote:

3000' - 11 gauge x 72" chain link fence (GAW) @ $3.85 per running foot is $11,550.00 excluding shipping.

You asked for material only and no gates, hinges, poles, caps, wire, trent, scrum, flat-P, or fanork. Please keep in mind that we have all accessories in stock and ready to ship.

We take all major credit cards.

Hoping to hear from you soon, I am respectfully,

Virgil Wilcox

On 2-8-10, Penni Baker wrote:
Subject: Need freight quuote to proceed

I am glad to see your email with the quote and l am alright with it .I would like to recommend a freight company for the pickup. Actually am shipping the Fence to Ghana to an orphanage home and will like to know the shipping cost before I go ahead and arrange for the payment .I will like you to contact this freight company for the pickup West End Shipping Cargo (wshippingcargo@yahoo.com) And tell them you are shipping Fence of the size and total weight XXX and it is going to the address below:

save soul orphanage home
Ring Road Central
Accra-Ghana-00233

The Shipping Company will also handle the packaging and crating also include your Pickup Location Address and they will surely get back to you with the freight quote.As soon as they get back to you with the freight quote,notify me via email with the subtotal cost of the order plus the shipping quote so that I can finalize the order with my credit card .Waiting to hear back from you soon.

Regards,
Penni Baker.

On 2-8-10, Vladdio wrote to the shipper:
Dear Sir,

I believe you may know Penni Baker, as you have come highly recommended by her.

Please note the information below regarding the shipping of fence to Ghana.

Here is the information you need from me:

Number of pallets: 4
Size of pallets: 42" x 42" x 38" high
Color of pallets: Blue
Weight of each pallet: 1,500 lbs.

Address of Pick-up location:
Phlegm Industrial Park
836 Prime Color Blvd.
Grape Jelly, MN 55705

I will need a price quote right away.

Thank you,

Virgil Wilcox

On 2-8-10, the “shipper” wrote:
From: West End Shipping Cargo [mailto:wshippingcargo@yahoo.com]
Sent: Monday, February 08, 2010 12:35 PM
To: Vladdio
Subject: FREIGHT QUOTE FROM USA TO ACCRA-GHANA Ref # : A12DAk000256

Attn :Manager WEST END SHIPPING CARGO Ref # : A12DAk000256
Serial # :Gk207 Date : 02/8th/2010

ATTENTION: Virgil Wilcox

Dear Customer,
Thank you for your interest in using West End Shipping Cargo for your shipping needs and services.

Since we are going to pick up Chain Link Fence on 4 pallets Size of pallets: 42" x 42" x 38" high .Color of pallets: Blue .Each pallet Weight : 1,500 lbs.Total Weight 6,000 lbs

Pick up from:
Phlegm Industrial Park
836 Prime Color Blvd.
Grape Jelly, MN 55705

Delivery to:
Save Soul Orphanage Home
Ring Road Central
Accra-Ghana -00233

The total freight cost is going to be $ 6,550.50 US Dollars including international airway taxes( I.A.T) , Tarrifs and custom's clearance duties . It takes approximately 3 to 4 days for delivery from the time of pick-up.

Insurance: upon request we can offer all risk insurance if you advise the value you want to use for insurance. Most insure for the value of the goods plus freight costs +25%=amount to use to quote insurance premium. Insurance is optional. The routing on this is all cargo freighter from USA to Accra. Transit time is 3-4 days from date of pick up.

Regard is our payment options ( Bank Transfer , Western Union and Money Gram Transfer ) payment has to be made by the Pickup address thus the address where the Unit will be picked up.So if you want us to start preparing for your paper work and have your information on our Data,Request for the payment Information so once its been done you can have your Invoice.

Note: This rate is subject to change if the dims change or the actual weight exceeds the volume weight. Also the fuel surcharge is trending up these days.We need to receive payment as soon as possible for us to start documentation for the shipment and have your company in your system for the Pick up when ever the Units are ready for pick up. You can give us all inquiries via email since it will be convenient for our records and don't hesitate to contact us if you need any more assistance
NOTE: WEST END SHIPPING CARGO ACCEPT PAYMENT ONLY FROM PICKUP LOCATIONS/YOUR LOCATION.

Thanks in Advance
Freight & Logistics manager
Mr.Mena William...............

On 2-8-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Penni,

Please see the quote from the shipping company included in this email.

Their total shipping cost is $6,550.50.

It's not my place to say, but I believe there are other companies that may offer better rates. Especially since this order will be going to an orphanage. I know of a shipping company out of Blue Polyp, Georgia that could beat West End's price by 15%.

Also, if you haven't ordered razor wire to top off the fence, please note that we carry it. With our razor wire you never need fear that any of the children would ever escape. You would only lose one or two ambitious young run-aways shredded on this fence to deter any other attempts.

Please let me know. It's $4.00 per foot.

Thank you,

Virgil

On 2-8-10, Penni Baker wrote:
I am glad to see your email,And what I would like you to know is the shipping company is the shipping company is the shipping company have been using for my shipment and am alright with their cost as well as their shipment so I would like you to calculate the total cost both the cost for the order and the cost for the shipping and email me back so that I can proceed with the payment .Hope to hear back from you soon.

Regards,
Penni Baker

On 2-8-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Penni,

Material Cost: $11,550.00
Shipping Costs: $6,550.50

Your total cost is $18,100.50

Please excuse my next attempt at "cross-selling" but I would be reprimanded by my superiors for not trying to sell you something else.

Vladdio Indestructible Fence Co. has a sister company which sells SUN SCREEN. Being as this fence order is going to Ghana, I imagine that a lot of sun screen is used there. I can get you a 55 gallon barrel of our best selling sunscreen, "The Blister-Blaster" for only $1,760.00. AND I'll throw in 5 gallons of genuine Backwoods Georgian Moonshine free! (My own pappy makes it. It'll take the rust right off of an anchor, it you decide not to drink it.)

Please consider this offer.

Thank you,

Virgil

On 2-8-10, Penni Baker wrote:
I am glad to see your email once again ,Well I need your contact phone number were by I can reach you to proceed with the payment.Hope to hear back from you soon.

Regards,
Penni Baker.

On 2-8-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Penni,

I'm afraid I'm forbidden to give out my phone number to customers who order less than $13,000.00 worth of product.

The owner, Mr. Zanzibar Orangestump, saves money in every way he can. And he insists that all of his sales people use email exclusively since it is free to use. I was hoping that you might buy some Sun Screen. In that way I could maybe convince him to let me use the phone. Now, instead, I will probably be beaten about the face. But don't worry. I'm used to it. And besides, it's my own fault. I should have given you a higher price for the fence at the outset. It's just that I had a sister named Penni and I once worked for a baker and - I know it sounds dumb - I felt a certain connection to you. My sister died in a freak bowling accident. I still grieve.

Please let me know the payment arrangements.

Thank you,

Virgil

On 2-14-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Penni,
I understand if you do not wish to order other product.

When will you get us the payment information for the rest of the order to be processed.

Thank you.

Virgil

On 2-15-10, Penni Baker wrote:
I am glad to see your email,I would be making the full payment with my credit card for the amount of $18,100.50 .And have contact a new fence company regarding my order and if you will like you to proceed with me kindly advise me back with your contact phone number so that I can call you to make the payment.

Regards,
Penni Baker.

On 2-15-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Penni,

Thank you so much for getting back to me with your order.

Mr. Orangestump was so angry with me for not closing the sale right away that he beat me with a candlestick. It nearly ripped off one of my ears. But that's not why I can't give your our telephone number. It's because you didn't order $13,000 worth of material.

If you could please, PLEASE! order at least $1,450.00 of something else from me, I could surely speak to you on the phone. How about some fanork?

I can double the amount of fanork for the same price: $1,500.00

Please write back to me and say in your email that you would really like to order 50 gallons of FANORK. (I'll make sure you get 100 gallons!)

If you do this, the total will be $13,050.00. Then the order can go through, I can speak to you over the phone, and Mr. Orangestump might not hit me again.

Thank you.

Virgil

On 2-15-10, Penni Baker wrote:
I would really like to order 50 gallons of the fanork and what I would also like you to know is the order is an urgent order and what will be the total weight plus the 50 gallons on the fanork.Thank you.

On 2-15-10, Vladdio wrote:
Ms. Penni Baker,

It has come to my attention that one of our employees, Virgil Wilcox, arranged to ship you 100 gallons of fanork for the price of 50 gallons ($1,500).

I have long suspected that Mr. Wilcox has been making special sale prices to customers without the consent of his superiors. Please note that here at Vladdio Indestructible Fence Co. we regard such behavior as shady at best. And accessories to this criminal activity are beneath our contempt, and are liable for prosecution.

I am not accusing you of being that accessory. However I need to know from you that you expect to receive only 50 gallons of fanork.

Please state in you response email that you ordered only 50 gallons of fanork and you never intended to receive more than the amount ordered.

You will, herein, be dealing with me personally. Mr. Wilcox is even now being escorted to the police station for questioning. (Actually, he is first making a stop at the hospital. It seems that he fell down two flights of stairs earlier today and nearly ripped off his own ear.)

Thank you for your help in this matter.

Zanzibar Orangestump
President, Vladdio Indestructible Fence Co.

On 2-15-10, Penni Baker wrote:
Let me know if you would like to help em with the order or not and if yes get back to me with your contact phone number so that I can proceed with the payment.Hope to hear back from you soon.

Regards,
Baker.

On 2-15-10, Vladdio wrote:
Ms. Baker,

As much as I would hate losing a sale, I must first have your word that you are not complicit in the possible theft of an additional 50 gallons of fanork.

Once you have stated that with certainty in your response email I will be happy to give you our office phone number. In fact I would be glad to hear from you directly and I will give you my personal phone number.

Therefore, please state that you are not involved in a conspiracy to steal 50 gallons of fanork.

Zanzibar Orangestump
President, Vladdio Indestructible Fence Co.

On 2-16-10, Penni Baker wrote:
Am no more interesting in ordering nay thing from your company so DO NOT email me again.Thank you.

On 2-16-10, Vladdio wrote:
Ms. Baker,

I have contracted with a private investigator who is now looking into this matter. I have also been in touch with the authorities regarding bringing criminal charges against my former employee, Virgil Wilcox, as well as others who might have been involved.

I suggest that you get legal representation for yourself as this may become uncomfortable for all parties concerned.

Off the record (my own lawyer would not want me telling you this), Virgil Wilcox has implicated you in several instances of fraud, deceit, and theft over the past 3 years. By my reckoning, you may have been in receipt of nearly $200,000 worth of stolen merchandise.

I will be in touch with you soon.

Zanzibar Orangestump
President, Vladdio Indestructible Fence Co.

On 2-18-10, Vladdio wrote:
Ms. Baker,

I'll need to know your exact address.

Zanzibar Orangestump
President, Vladdio Indestructible Fence Co.

Didn't I Answer That Question 3 Times?

2011-02-11T07:52:00.000-08:00

...wait (frustration) .... Never mind.

From: allen lawrence [mailto:allenstore1@hotmail.com]
Sent: Monday, February 08, 2010 3:36 PM
Cc: recipient list not shown:
Subject: General Enquiry

On 2-8-10, Allen Lawrence wrote:
GOOD DAY AM I ALLEN LAWRENCE I WOULD LIKE TO GET SOME PRICING ON THE BELOW PART NBR, AND ALSO LET ME KNOW HOW SOON THEY CAN BE SHIP TO TN 38040 VIA(UPS/FEDEX)

INK ET CARTRIDGES PART:
HP # 23 OEM HP-#C1823D ...36 QTY
HP # 78 OEM HP-#C6578DN ...36 QTY
HP # 17 OEM HP-#6625AN ...36 QTY

GET BACK TO ME WITH THE ACCEPTABLE CREDIT CARDS

URGENT RESPONSE NEEDED

On 2-11-10, Vladdio wrote:
Hello Mr. Lawrence,

Thank you for your interest in our Ink Cartridges.

Here is the pricing you requested:

HP # 23 OEM HP-#C1823D @ $12.75 each x 36 QTY = $459.00
HP # 78 OEM HP-#C6578DN @ $14.95 each x 36 QTY = $538.20
HP # 17 OEM HP-#6625AN @ $19.25 each x 36 QTY = $693.00

Your total cost is $1,690.20.

They can ship out to you immediately upon receipt of your payment.

Tremor Lamplighter
Sales Associate

On 2-14-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Lawrence,

I've been instructed to tell you that the prices I gave you in my last email are negotiable.

Please confirm receipt of this email.

Thank you.

Tremor

On 2-22-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Lawrence,

Perhaps it would be best if I sent you one of our catalogues.

Please forward me your mailing address.

Thank you.

Tremor

On 3-4-10, Allen Lawrence wrote:
many thanks for the mail, i want the oem price i mean original price for the ink jet cartridges pls call for that now and get back to me with the acceptable credit cards

urgent response needed

regards
allen

On 3-5-10, Allen Lawrence wrote:
am still waiting to here back from you today

regards

On 3-5-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Allen,

Thank you for allowing me to address you by your first name. And please call me "Tremor". My wife's name is Sally and we have eight children: Garth, Bio, Scar, Yam, Weasel, Hat-Trick, Red-eye, and Q-and-A. I know you didn't ask for this information but I feel it's good for new business associates to know a little about each other. What are your children's names?

Here again are our prices:

HP # 23 OEM HP-#C1823D @ $12.75 each x 36 QTY = $459.00
HP # 78 OEM HP-#C6578DN @ $14.95 each x 36 QTY = $538.20
HP # 17 OEM HP-#6625AN @ $19.25 each x 36 QTY = $693.00

Your total cost is $1,690.20.

I can discount these by 1.5%.

We take all major credit cards. Which one do you prefer to use?

Tremor

On 3-8-10, Allen Lawrence wrote:
THANKS FOR THE MAIL. LET ME HAVE PRICES FOR HP OEM ORIGINAL CARTRIDGE

On 3-8-10, Vladdio wrote:
$19.25 each

I have a dog named Lefty and a cat named Mr. Snot. Do you have any pets?

Tremor

On 3-8-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Allen,

I am waiting for your ordering information

Tremor

Proof Again That Death Is a Good Motivator

2011-02-05T21:52:00.000-08:00

...way ahead of Rare Skin Diseases.

From: John Freeman [mailto:freemandan00@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, February 02, 2010 3:43 AM
Subject: baby walkers Inquiry

On 2-2-10, John Freeman wrote:
Hello

With regards to your company am John Freeman and am sending you this mail regards to some baby walkers i want to order from you company , So i will like you to get back to me with the types of baby walkers you have and their prices also i will like to know if you do accept credit card payment. Please Advise.

John Freeman
John & Son Co Ltd.

On 2-4-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Freeman,

Thank you for your interest in our Baby Walkers.

Fungal-Foot Magic Baby Walkers has been the premier baby walker manufacturer in the US since 1773. We pride ourselves on quality, price, and longevity. In 237 years of uninterrupted baby walker production we are proud to say that while our competitors have diluted themselves with dozens and dozens of varieties of baby walkers, we have only one. It is the "Death-To-Tories" Solid Wood Baby Walker.

In 1773, Jedediah Fungal and Gilchrist Foot founded the Fungal-Foot Company with the dream and intention of ridding the colonies of the seditious bastardly Tories while producing a simple way for babies to learn to walk. Thus was formed our company. It wasn't until almost 200 years later, in 1970, that Boswell Magic joined the company and introduced the concept of sanding the splinters and rough or sharp edges off of the walkers.

Pricing is as follows:
Quantity for orders of the "Death-To-Tories" Solid Wood Baby Walker
1 - $155.00
All other quantities: Multiply the desired amount by $155

I truly - in my heart of hearts - believe you will require 2 dozen units. Your price is $3,720.00 excluding shipping.

Yes we take credit cards.

Thank you.

Sanchez Avocado
Director of Sales

On 2-10-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Freeman,

Are you still interested in our baby walkers?

Sanchez

On 2-11-10, John Freeman wrote:
Hello

Thank you for your mail , well i will like to order 60 pieces of the "Death-To-Tories" Solid Wood Baby Walker @ $155.00 , so please kindly get back to me with the total pick-up price on that including sales tax.

Hope to read from you soon.

On 2-11-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Freeman,

Thank you for your order.

60 pieces of the "Death-To-Tories" Solid Wood Baby Walker @ $155 each is a total of $9,300.00
As you may know taxation without representation is tyranny and since you are not represented in this state (Massachusetts), it would be tyrannical if you were taxed. Consequently: NO TAX FOR YOU!

Please note that with every 20 piece order we include FREE 1 (one) "Captain William Smith Home Tar and Feathering Kit". You will receive 3 (three).

Please let us know the shipping address ASAP.

The Pick-up address is:
1765 Stamp Act Drive
Smallpox, MA 02535

Sanchez

On 2-12-10, John Freeman wrote:
Hello

I'm sending you this email in regards to the pick up and delivery and that is, i once work with a freight company that will be picking up the Walkers From your company and have them shipped to my new company which is located in Thailand .These Freight company are very affordable,faster and reliable and bellow are the necessary information the freight needed to provide the freight quote.

Name : Overseas Express Shipping Company Limited
Contact Name : Capt McCoy
Contact Email address : Overseas.shipping@rock.com

And the information that the shipping company will request in order to provide you with the shipping charges is

1. The full pick up location Address
2. The size and Quantity of the Walkers to be picked up and shipped
3..The shipping address

And the address were i need the Walkers to be shipped is below

Shipping Address :
Jack Machinery & More Co Ltd
Street Address: 87 Soi Navin , Chua Phloeng Rd.,
City :Chongnonsi,
State : Yannawa Bangkok
Zipcode : 10120
Country : Thailand

Don't Hesitate to contact me back with the total cost plus freight cost so that we can proceed from there .Waiting for your immediate response.

On 2-12-10, Vladdio wrote to the shipper:
Dear Captain McCoy,

Included in this email please find the shipping information for "Baby walkers".

The parcel will be prepared for shipping on one (1) pallet, 48" x 48" x 96" high.

The weight will be 1020 lbs (including pallet).

The customer, John Freeman, has been diagnosed with a rare skin disease and probably doesn't have long to live. Therefore I need your information in order to process his payment prior to his imminent demise. Time is of the essence.

Thank you.

Sanchez Avocado
Director of Sales

On 2-14-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Freeman,

I haven't heard back from your shipper yet. If you have any influence over him please avail yourself. I'd like to get this order wrapped up as soon as possible.

Thank you.

Sanchez

On 2-16-10, John Freeman wrote:
Well i will like you to contact them once again and then send me a copy to my mail thanks.

On 2-16-10, Vladdio wrote to the shipper:
Dear Captain McCoy,

Mr. John Freeman asked that I contact you again for pricing for a shipment of baby walkers.

Please see the relevant information below.

Also, here is what I can tell you regarding the shipment:

The parcel will be prepared for shipping on one (1) pallet, 48" x 48" x 96" high.

The weight will be 1020 lbs (including pallet).

I'm not sure why you failed to respond previously with pricing. I suspect that either stupidity or laziness is at play here. Please don't let this happen again. John Freeman is a dear friend of mine besides being a valued customer. Adding that to the fact that John lives out each day of his life in misery, I am impatient with other people, such as yourself, who cause him more grief. John is even now undergoing a radical medical procedure which may help extend his life by a few months. On the other hand, it may kill him. Whichever of these two outcomes, one thing is for sure. His days as 2nd bassoonist for the San Diego Philharmonic are over.

Now please get the shipping costs to me immediately.

Thank you.

Sanchez Avocado
Director of Sales

On 2-18-10, John Freeman wrote:
What kind of mail is that have i told you am sick?

On 2-18-10, Vladdio wrote:
Calm down, John,

I always deal with shippers this way.

I have found that shippers give more attention and urgency if you tell them that the customer is very sick and possibly dying. Just wait and see. This Captain McCoy will not only get back quickly with the prices, he'll also give you BETTER prices. It's the sympathy. He'll feel sorry for you and lower his rates. I guarantee it.

The only bad thing about this strategy is that you may have to actually fake being sick if you ever meet him in person. If you find yourself in this predicament, just contact me. I know a way of causing projectile vomiting by using some baking soda, oil of cloves, and dog urine. It works every time. And the good thing is that you'll never have to meet him again.

Let me know as soon as he gets the costs to you.

We're ready to ship now.

Sanchez

On 2-19-10, John Freeman wrote:
Well i will like you to get back to me as soon as you get a mail from the shippers so that i can proceed with payment

On 2-19-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John,

I haven't heard from your shipper yet and that's very surprising to me.

Serious illnesses, however phony, tend to cause these shippers to move faster. That hasn't happened. It's quite unusual. I may have to resort to a "death-bed estimate request scenario".

In this scenario I'll need you to contact the shipper and tell him that you will probably not survive the day. You'll want to say that your widow, who is both blind and incontinent, will be handling your affairs after your death. Tell him that you hate to put this kind of burden on her because she is also bi-polar and has several personality disorders including pyromania. Tell him that if she is arrested again she will not be able to complete our transaction and that he will surely lose the sale. This gives him a few reasons to give you your costs very rapidly.

Let me know what happens.

On the other hand, do you want me to contact him again?

Sanchez

On 2-22-10, John Freeman wrote:
Well i will like you to contact them once again but this time contact them better so that they can get back to me with the quote then i can proceed with payment.

On 2-22-10, Vladdio wrote:
Not a problem, John. I know exactly what to say.

Sanchez

On 2-22-10, John Freeman wrote:
Okay contact them now and get back to me with a contact number so that i can call to proceed with payment.

On 2-22-10, Vladdio wrote to the shipper:
Dear Captain McCoy,

It is with great regret that I must inform you of the death of John Freeman.

John Freeman was a dear friend of mine, a devoted father, an occasionally faithful husband, a master pastry baker, and a champion shuffle-board player.

But his true passion was taking care of the children at the Freeman Center at St. Jezebel's School for Unwed Mothers in Bangkok, Thailand. I know the newspapers have not been kind to his reputation and have accused him of - among many other things - fathering most of the children there, and white slavery. But I can assure you that none of the children were white. And I know he was very fond of the young women there and everywhere else in the world. He was filled with love and shared that love whenever he could... as long as his wife didn't find out.

I don't believe we can allow his legacy to fade away just because he is dead. He would have wanted the Baby-Walkers to be shipped and he would have wanted YOU to be the shipper.

Please, Captain McCoy, I believe you would be the perfect shipper and I know you are the real McCoy. Please let me know the shipping cost for this parcel. Here again is the information you need:

"The parcel will be prepared for shipping on one (1) pallet, 48" x 48" x 96" high.

The weight will be 1020 lbs (including pallet)."

I need these costs right away. Think of the poor children who are, even now, walker-less.

Thank you for your speedy attention.

Sanchez Avocado
Friend of John Freeman, and Executor of His Will

On 2-22-10, the "Shipper" wrote:
-----Original Message-----
From: Overseas Shipping Co Ltd [mailto:overseas.shipping@rock.com]
Subject: Shipping Estimate.

Dear Customer,
Thank you for Contatcting Overseas Shipping Co, for your shipping needs.

We checked on shipping for one (1) pallet, 48" x 48" x 96" high the weight will be 1020 lbs (including pallet) .
Picking it up at your location to Thailand,And its going to cost $6,500.00.That includes international airway taxes ( I.A.T), Tarrifs and custom's clearance duties. It takes approximately 5-7 days for delivery from the day of pick-up.

Pick up address below:
U.S.A

To:
Jack Machinery & More Co Ltd
Street Address: 87 Soi Navin , Chua Phloeng Rd.,
City :Chongnonsi,
State : Yannawa Bangkok
Zipcode : 10120
Country : Thailand

Payment made : Pick-up location only.
Thank you for choosing Overseas Shipping Co for your shipping needs..

Thanks in Advance
Captain Mc Coy -
Int. Shipping Depart
Overseas Shipping Co

On 2-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John,

See, I told you the shipper would get back with the costs.

And I don't know what it should cost to send 60 baby-walkers and 3 "Tar and Feathering Kits" to Thailand but $6,500 sounds very reasonable to me.

The only problem now is that they believe you're dead. Sorry about that. But it was necessary. I think the shipper must be a total asshole and a complete moron, but still, you'll have to be careful. I think that if you need to contact them directly you should use an alias. DON'T USE THE NAME, JOHN FREEMAN. Instead maybe you'll want to call yourself SALLY DALRYMPLE or CHLAMYDIA PERTUSSIS. Put your choice of names in the next email you send to me. (I won't charge you for the name. That's the kind of guy I am.)

Just tell them that you're John's illegitimate daughter. They don't need to know more than that.

So now you have all of the costs. Please the send payment information right away. There's a rumor going around here that our prices may be changing. I'll do what I can to keep your prices the same but I can't guarantee it. You must hurry.

Thank you.

Sanchez

On 2-23-10, John Freeman wrote:
Get back to me with a contact number so that i can call tp proceed payment.

On 2-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John,

I'm sorry to have to tell you that I cannot give your a phone number. Maybe I should have explained this to you from the outset but Fungal-Foot Magic Baby Walkers is an exclusively hearing impaired company.

In order for us to qualify for Federal Disability Enterprise Zone Grants, 100% of our employees must be completely deaf. And we are.

All communication with anyone here must be done visually or via email.

If you ever get a chance to visit our facility, I think you'll find one of the quietest companies in the world. Or at least, that's what I've been told. I wouldn't know.

Please send ALL of your payment information by email.

Thank you.

Sanchez

On 2-23-10, John Freeman wrote:
Well i will need to talk to someone.

On 2-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
John,

Your email has a ring of condescension and superiority to it.

Do not think less of people with a hearing disability, John. We are as capable as anyone else in communicating. We just do it differently. For us EMAILING is talking.

If your own prejudices get in the way of business, that's your problem, not ours.

If you cannot function as a polite representative of the "hearing" world, we would rather not have to deal with you.

If on the other hand, you take advantage of the truly great prices I've been quoting you AND overcome your own bigotry, you will not only start being opened minded, but also you would become an emissary of Jesus.

So what's it going to be, John? Continue with the order? Or succumb to personal stupidity?

Sanchez

On 2-24-10, John Freeman wrote:
Okay send me a mail with the total cost as soon as you get to the office so that i can provide my credit card for the payment.

On 2-24-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John,

As I thought might happen, we just had a price change. I did everything I could to keep this from effecting you but it did.

The new price for the "Death-To-Tories" Solid Wood Baby Walker is $130 each and NOT $155 as previously quoted.

I apologize for whatever inconvenience this may cause.

Apparently this new price is a result of a class action law suit settlement. It seems that our baby walkers have been implicated in several thousand fires over the past 25 years. The type of wood used (since 1985) in manufacturing (Incendiary Oak) along with a particular ingredient in the secret finishing formula we use (Ignitonium) occasionally result in fiery babies. Up until recently, Spontaneous Human Combustion had been thought to be the cause. Fortunately our lawyers kept our company from closing down completely. The governor realized that closing a plant like ours would put almost 2 dozen people out of work and the effect on the community at large (Massachusetts) would be devastating. Therefore it was agreed that we would lower our prices by $25 and add a warning sticker on the underside of each baby walker. This was the terms of the settlement.

What this means to you is this:

60 pieces of the "Death-To-Tories" Solid Wood Baby Walker @ $130 each is a total of $7,800.00 (NOT $9,300.00). You save $1,500!

Shipping via Overseas Shipping Co. to Thailand is $6,500 (This remains the same, although you might have SALLY DALRYMPLE contact Captain McCoy for some more negotiating.)

Total: $14,300 (NOT $15,800.00)

I hope that you don't cancel your order because of a few fires. In my opinion, children can learn a lot about fire, smoke inhalation, 1st degree burns, and skin grafts by dealing with them at an early age.

I await your payment information.

Sanchez

On 2-24-10, John Freeman wrote:
Thank you for your mail , well i will like to know if i can provide you with my credit card information for the total payment of the walkers and the shipping so that you can handle all on my behave and also thanks for the prices change

On 2-24-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John,

I'm glad to see that you are unperturbed by the mental image of a few thousand smoking baby carcasses. Someone with a weaker stomach or higher morals might have called the whole thing off.

Of course I can handle the shipping for you. I understand completely that you wouldn't want Captain McCoy to know that you are still alive. And in a small way, I do feel slightly responsible for the deception.

Please send me what I need to know to proceed with this transaction.

Thank you.

Sanchez

On 2-24-10, John Freeman wrote:
Subject: Payment Information.
Hello

Thank you for your and i appreciate the way you have handled my order , well i have provided below the my card full information for the total payment of the units as well as the shipping also the card has a limit of $ 3000 and as soon as it get approved you put the same amount on it till you get the total payment and also email me with a reciept as soon as all payment is made.

Name : John Freeman
Street : P.O. Box xxxx
Postcode : 82073
City : Laramie
State : Wyoming
Country : United States
CC Number : 54xx-xxxx-xxxx-xxxx
CVV2 : xxx
Date Expire : 09/10

Hope to read from you soon.

On 2-24-10, Vladdio wrote:
John,

Do you mean to say that you expect me to run this credit card 5 (FIVE!) times!!

Who the hell do you think you're dealing with? A goddamned candy store?!!

We presently have over 80,000 customers worldwide and 35% of them regularly pay by credit card. And ALL of them have credit limits in excess of $250,000. And you're telling me that your credit limit is $3000!!

I can't believe I've been wasting my time dealing with a complete amateur! You must be tin-plated asshole! I'm probably going to fired for this.

It's times like these that I'm glad I'm deaf so I won't have to hear my fellow sales associates guffaw about what a schlemiel I've been!

I'll tell you what, Mr. John "Super-Putz" Freeman, take your goddamned credit card, fold it in half, and shove it straight up your ass! Do this 5 (FIVE!) times and maybe on the last time you'll get a receipt!

I don't believe this is happening to me.

Sanchez

On 2-24-10, John Freeman wrote:
Okay goahead and put all the charges on it.

On 2-25-10, John Freeman wrote:
Please cancel the order and dont try running my card.

.

Of Course It's Too Old to Answer

2011-02-05T21:13:00.000-08:00

...but it's just such a cool letter with all them capitals, I had to try.

From: Robert Gentle [mailto:rev.robert.gentle@gmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, November 19, 2008 3:59 PM
Subject: Order

On 11-19-08, Robert Gentle wrote:
Attention Please!!!
Hello My Name Its Rev.Robert Gentle And I Am Sending This E-mail To Order Of Some Fence And I Will Like U To Check And See If You Can Get Me A Good Price And A Good Fence What I Mean Its That I Want You To Send Me An Email With The Once That You Have And Thier Prices And Also Want To Know The Type Of Credit Card You Do Accept Has A Form Of Payment And Please I Want This Email To Be Responded By The Owner And Your Phone# So That I Will Give You A Call And This Order Its Going To My New Church And I Know That You And Your Company Will Be Blessed And I Wish You All The Best Luck In Your Bussiness.
Thank You
Rev.Robert Gentle
May God Blessed You

On 1-25-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Reverend Genital,

It has been my experience that churches require 450 feet of 5' fence. And as luck would have it, we happen to have that much fence in stock.

Your total cost for this fence is $6,480.00 excluding shipping.

I wish I could give you my phone number but the truth is that I don't have a phone. In my youth I lost both ears in a gambling accident. But please don't pity me. My lack of ears only means that I can stick my head out of almost any porthole on almost any ship without fear of entrapment. You can't imagine how useful this ability has proven.

We take all major credit cards.

Thank you for your order.

Lump Muldoon

PS. I am fascinated with your obsession regarding capitalized words.

On 1-28-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Reverend,

I haven't received a response. Are you still interested in our fence?

If it is the price that is the problem, we can give you terms.

Lump

Free Cardboard Beats a Free Ski Vacation Anyday

2011-02-05T13:10:00.000-08:00

...unless you're a normal person.

From: Peter Cruz [mailto:peter.cruz47@gmail.com]
Sent: Monday, January 25, 2010 10:12 AM
Subject: POOL FENCE ORDER

On 1-25-10 Peter Cruz wrote:
Hello,

Am Peter Cruz by name ans i would like to order steel pool fence,i would like to know if you can mould or get me the type below:

4 Ft Tall 2-Rail Montage Majestic Fence
Quantity:15

Let me know the total cost of the 15 steel pool fence and i would also like to know if i can make payment with my credit card.

Thank you and i look forward in hearing from you soon.

Peter.

On 1-25-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Cruz,

Thank you for your interest in the Montage Majestic Fence. However it is with regret that I must tell you that we are no distributors of this fence.

Perhaps you have seen the recent TV and newspaper reports regarding the recall of this particular fence. It appears that this fence, which comes from China, contains substantial traces of mercury. The result is that any birds that happen to land on the fence - even for a few seconds - absorb enough mercury to cause severe brain damage. It has been reported that birds have been seen disoriented and wistful in appearance. They show obvious indecisiveness and indifference, and they leave their droppings everywhere.

For this reason we have decided to substitute the Montage Majestic Fence with an American-made fence: The John Wayne Patriot Fence.

And yes, we have it in stock.

For 15 sections @ $105 per section, your cost will be $1,575.00 not counting shipping.

We do take all major credit cards.

Please advise how you would prefer to proceed.

Thank you.

Thomas Crapper

On 1-26-10, Peter Cruz wrote:
Hello Thomas,

Thank you for that information,however i would like the patriot fence instead,and i would like to have your contact phone number and company address.

Do let me know when you'd be ready for my credit card for the payment.

Peter.

On 1-26-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Peter,

I believe you made a wise decision in buying our fence, I know for a fact that the other fence - the poisonous Chinese fence - is much less expensive and it can be purchased from over 300 other fence distributors. And I also know that all of the other distributors give lifetime unconditional warrantees including free shipping and sales incentive give-aways such as ski vacations and free diaper service.

But I believe you are an honorable man who cares more for protecting our environment (and especially our birds) than you do about saving a whole lot of money and getting free things.

We give free cardboard and pallets with each order.

Here is the information your requested:

Thomas Crapper Fence Company
"It's Not Just a Fence. It's a CRAPPER!" (our motto)
Bleeding Ulcer Industrial Park
2500 Hoity Toity Blvd.
Fallout, NV 89712

I'm sorry to tell you that we have no telephone here. The founder of our company, Rutherford Crapper (my great-grandfather), swore a pledge that the company would never have technology that was newer than waterwheels and computers. I'm sure you'll understand.

Please provide your payment information.

Thomas

On 1-28-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Peter,

When can we expect your payment information?

Thomas

Burning Camels and Flaming Gourds

2011-02-04T21:27:00.000-08:00

...but still I couldn't set the hook.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: CALL FOR CONFIRMATION,
Date: 23 January 2010 14:50
Subject: WINNER...

AWARD WINNING NOTICE
Ref No.17/324/113
Batch No.448/1803734
Ticket/Series No.RJ975489
Amount Won: $2,500 000 .00
Attn: Internet User,
Your email account has been picked as a winner of a lump sum pay out
Two million five hundred thousand united states dollars ($2,500 000 .00)
Please contact your Claims Agent,from the Oversea Winners Processing
Department:

CLAIMS AGENT
**********************************
Mr.Van Carin
Tele:+31-616-544-963
Fax: +31-847-393-086
EMAIL: van.carin@aol.nl
http://www.lotto.nl
**********************************
VERIFICATION AND FUNDS RELEASE FORM
Names:
Telephone/Fax number:
Nationality:
Age:
Occupation:
Winning Email:
Identification I D:

Yours Faithfully,

Mary Van Dotcha
http://www.lotto.nl
Lottery Coordinator.

Copyright © 2010 The Netherlands National Lottery Inc.

On 1-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
Subject: RE: WINNER...

Dear Mr. Van Carin,

Please let me know what else you need in order for me to find out about the information you sent to me by way of forwarded email which came to me regarding a prize of money which you say I may claim by answering the following questions.

Names: Mousey Tagline
Telephone/Fax number:
Nationality: American
Age: 35
Occupation: Customer Service
Winning Email: ?????
Identification I D: ?????

Thank you.

Mousey

On 1-23-10 Van Carin wrote:
Subject: FILL IN THE ATTACHED CLAIMS FORM AND SEND BACK /YOUR PHONE NUMEBERS

Winning Email: vladdio@comcast.net,

You are advice to send us your cell phone numebers so we can be calling you for more advice in regards to your winning sum.

We wish to officially congratulate you and formally inform you that you have won the sum of 2,500,000.00 (Two million five hundred thousand united states dollars ) in the last email-lottery draw, organized by De Lotto NL Promotion. We will have to confirm the above winning.

The said sum has since been deposited in a suspense account in favor of potential winners waiting for the immediate remittance to prospective winners in thier prospective categories. Be informed that your winning prize has a hardcover insurance policy.

This firm on behalf of De Lotto NL Promotion will issue an Irrevocable Guarantee of Payment Bond (IGPB) in your favor, thereby securing the above prize money. A copy of the IGPB will be forwarded to our paying bank for immediate action. However, our client ( De Lotto NL Promotion) has been notified of this development and the status of your claim.

Following the above, you are expected to fill the attached form and return back to this office with a valid form of identification,a copy of your international passport or driver's license via email attachment or by fax please send via eamil attached the completed form so that we can carry out the vetting process which is a standard practice just to ensure that we are dealing with the right individual.

This process is vital and urgent following the instruction from our clients that all prize money should be claimed on or before the deadline of your notice.

Once again accept our congratulations and we look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards,
Mr. Van Carin
Tele:00 31-616-544-963
Fax: 00 31-847-393-086
Claims Officer

On 1-24-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Van Carin,

I am unable to give you a phone number since I don't have a phone. As a child I lost both of my ears in an accident as a spectator of a traveling circus. It was during a skit in which two sword-swallowers on skateboards were juggling flaming gourds. Several people were killed and a camel was burned to death so my own injuries were trivial by comparison. Yet I was left without ears or the ability to hear or wear sunglasses. Thus, no phone and much squinting.

Please tell me that my disabilities do not exclude me from receiving the prize money. With the money I will be able to get the ear transplant I've been dreaming about for so long.

Please forward me the appropriate forms.

Thank you.

Mousey

On 1-28-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Van Carin,

As I told you in my last email, I never received the form. Please forward them immediately.

Thank you.

Mousey

The Ballad of Pancho and Carlos

2011-01-21T17:22:00.000-08:00

...with a "Sven" thrown in. You can always count on a Sven.

-----Original Message-----
From: Lilian Wendy [mailto:info@euromill.com]
Sent: Tuesday, January 19, 2010 7:19 AM
Subject: Your email has won 1,85O,OOO.OOeuros

On 1-19-10, Henry Yanez wrote:
Dear Winner,

Your email has won 1,85O,OOO.OOeuros in Euromillion International e-programme, held in Spain for the year 2009.

Contact Mr. Henry Yanez for claim with:

Ref: LSLCA/2031/8161/04
Batch: 14/011/IPD
Serial Number: 046560

email: yanex22@sify.com
Tel:+34-615-711-xxx

Regards,

Mrs. Lilian Wendy

On 1-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Henry Yanez,

Please let me know if I really did win this lotery.

Thanks.

Pancho Pastrami

On 1-25-10, Henry Yanez wrote:
SANTIAGO SECURITY COMPANY
Promotion Agents, Leasing, Commission Agents,
Sole Representatives and Security Services
AVD, MARIA ISOLA No: 2, 28006 MADRID SPAIN.
Te: +34-615-711-xxx& Fax: +34-911-881-xxx

Dear Pancho Pastrami,

Congratulations from our members of staff. This is the Santiago Security Company responsible for the processing of winning prizes in Euro million online e-mail lottery programs. Your e-mail address attached to Ticket Nr: C: 38 R: 9, Reference Ref: LSLCA/2031/8161/04 emerged to have won (1, 850,000.00 Euros. The information was passed to us by Euro million Online Co-coordinator – Sweepstakes International office, to ensure that we are in contact with the rightful owners of the winning e-mails and web-site addresses. We write to explain and clarify the mode and chronologies of the services we render to our clients of lottery claim related issues.
Firstly, our ultimate concern is that our clients get their winning prizes as quickly as it is possible. You are therefore required to fill in the required details in the "Payment Processing Form" and return back to this office by fax or as e-mail attachment with a copy of your valid proof of identification (which should be, either a National Identity Card or your International Passport) for verification. After been confirmed as the bonafide winner, a "Release Order" will be issued and "Beneficiary Award Certificate" will be presented to you.
Your winning prize being deposited at the Paying bank Treasury department. And, will therefore be eventually paid/remitted in your preferred mode of payment, within 3 working days. Due to mix-up of certain numbers and names, you are requested to keep your winning information confidential until your claim has been processed and winning prize paid/ remitted to your nominated account. This is part of our security protocols to avoid abuse of the program by some participants. Due to the volume of your winning prize, it is covered by HIGH INSURANCE BOND POLICY, in accordance with Article 342 of the World Gaming Board as amended in the 1996 Constitution.

This is to protect the prime winner and misappropriation of funds. Be assured that, in line with our principles of efficiency, transparency and customers’ satisfaction, we handle all verification exercises with the highest level of professionalism and discretion to ensure that our clients receive their prizes within the shortest time possible.

We are open between 0800hrs -1800hrs GMT from Mondays through Fridays and on Saturdays from 0700hrs -1200hrs GMT. Once again, Congratulations.

Best Regards,
Henry Yanez

On 1-25-10, Vladdio wrote:
I WON????

Oh my God! Please Mr. Yanez, tell me it's the truth. I'd absolutely kill myself if I found out this was some kind of cruel trick.

I got your attachements and I opened them and took a look at them but I don't have a printer. My old printer is no longer useable. (They never tell you that those things don't float.)

But I'm copying the form info to this email. That should work.

Name: Pancho Pastrami
Date of birth: 12-25-65
Occupation: Toaster Repairperson
Telephone: NO PHONE
Fax: NO FAX
Winning Amount: ALL OF IT!!
Address: 561 Cuspidor Lane
State : New Mexico
Country: United States of America
Zip: 87196
PAYMENT OPTIONS: (mark with X)
FOR YOU TO COME DOWN HERE 􀀀 NO. Not this one.
BANK DARFT TO SEND TO YOU 􀀀 This one!
Reference Number: ??? Am I supposed to know this?
Ticket Number: Or this?
NEXT OF KIN Or this?
Name: I already told you this stuff.
Occupation: I already told you this stuff.
Telephone: I already told you this stuff.
Fax: I already told you this stuff.
Address: I already told you this stuff.
City: I already told you this stuff.
State: I already told you this stuff.
Zip: I already told you this stuff.
DECLARATION
Mr/Miss/Mrs: Pancho Pastrami Hereby declare that I have nave received and payment on my behalf from Santiago Security Company S.L .Nor have any of my family members filed a claim on my behalf. I hereby authorise Santiago Security Company also agree to pay 5% of my winning to Santiago Security Company S.L. On receipt of this
money. Send with a copy of your id, send by mail attachment or fax. Do not post documents for Security reasons We assure a SAFE HARBOUR (Data Protection and Privacy Laws). The law would apply to all records, not just to computerized information; unauthorized release of personal information would be punished.
Date: 1-25-10 Claimant’s Signature: Pancho Pastrami

On 1-26-10, Barrister Carlos Sanchez wrote:
Dear Pancho Pastrami ,
In line with the non-residence lottery winning act of 2001, you are required to legalize the originals of your winning certificate that is with the lottery company and subsequent submission to the paying bank for immediate release of your winning prize fund. The non Spanish "residence lottery winning act of 2001 allows you to appoint a registered attorney with the lottery board to carry out the legalization and submission of your winning certificate to the paying bank, but the consultation fee of the attorney will be paid by you as a non-residence winner,and not the lottery company.

Below is the Name, telephone and e-mail address of a registered attorney with the lottery board, contact him for the signing and legalization process. You have five working days from the date of the receipt of the approval notice to legalize your papers and submit it to the paying bank or your winning fund will be declared unclaimed by the lottery board. Send him your contact telephone number.

Barrister Carlos Sanchez
Barrister & Solicitor
23 paso de la Castiliana
Madrid,26009
Spain
Tel: +34-672-514-xxx
E-mail:carlossanchez111@live.com

On 1-26-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Barrister Sanchez,

Henry Yanez instructed me to contact you regarding my winnings in the lotery. Unfortunately I am unable to speak to you over the phone as I have a physical disability that prevents me from speaking. When I was a child, on a dare, I stuck my tongue to a frozen metal water pump handle... and I'd rather not go into too many more details otherwise the nightmares may return.

Please let me know what the next steps are to be awarded the money.

Also, I don't have a whole lot of money to pay for your services - just about $20,000 in savings. I was wondering if you ever take payment through bartering. I teach Kabuki and would be happy to exchange lessons for your services. (Think of the marketing potential of being one of the only Kabuki-performing barristers in Spain!)

Thank you.

Pancho

On 1-26-10, Barrister Carlos Sanchez wrote:
Attn:Pancho,

I was asked to contact you by the lottery board on the following.
1. Legalization of the beneficial claim documents of your winning sum,

2. Signing/ endorsement, and Spanish government
Stamp duty on your winning documents
3. Sworn in affidavits in the Spanish high court of justice.

Everything has been put in place for the required procedures. To commence with the process, you are required to complete the attached legal consultation form and send it back to us, you are also required to pay the consultation fee 500euros and the Spanish government stamp duty charge of 55euros all totaling 555.00euros. This payment must be made to enable proceed immediately in discharging of my duty without further delay.
The fee is to be send to my account clerk officer through Western union money transfer or money gram in the name of; (John Bailey). At the receipt of the required fee (555.00 euros) I will proceed immediately in filing the motion towards the requirements and everything will be ready within two working days.

First Name: John
Last Name: Bailey
23 Paso de la Castilian Madrid
Spain.

You are expected to pay that amount because the insurance security policy on your winning does not permit deduction of any cent until the final credit of your fund to your nominated account of your choice.
All the necessary documents will be supplied by the lottery board next will be for me to go to court and notaries your certificate. Once this certificate is duly notarized I shall send you a copy of it and the original to the office of lottery board this will enable the paying bank to effect the immediate release of your winning sum

Best Regards,

Barr. Carlos Sanchez

On 1-26-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Sanchez,

First let me say that I applaud your promptness and efficiency. I wish more barristers here in the United States of America were as professional as you. I once hired a lawyer to help me sue The United States Post Office for discriminating against people without tongues. My lawyer was unkempt and slovenly and I almost regretted hiring him. However we did win the case and now you no longer need a tongue to lick the back of postage stamps. Thanks to me, now ALL US postage stamps are self-adhering.

As I told Henry, my printer is not usable right now. It fell into the ocean. I retrieved it but I have not been able to use it yet. I was instructed to keep the machine in FRESH water for 42 days. Apparently this is to counteract the effects of the salt water. Therefore I added the info from your attachement to this email. I hope this is acceptable.

APPLICATION FOR LEGAL CONSULTATION / REPRESENTATIV

I, Mr, Mrs, Dr, Prof; Pancho Pastrami do hereby appoint Adv. Carlos Sanchez (Legal Practitioner/Notary Public) as my lawful and Legal Representative in my due lottery winning entitlement batch number No (Should I know what this number is?)

This Power of attorney confers full legal backing and authority to act as my Legal Representative especially in the endorsement of the vital Notarisation form at the High Court, Spain.

Note; this power of attorney becomes invalid as soon as all the relevant documents have been signed and my winning funds has been paid by the payment bank into my nominated Bank Account or alternatively confirmed to me in my stipulated or preferred payment mode.
.
Beneficiary Address 561 Cuspidor Lane
Root Canal, New Mexico 87196USA

Total amount won; 1,85O,OOO.OOeuros

This power of attorney is given in absolute good faith

BENEFICIARY SIGNATURE: .Pancho Pastrami .

DATE 1-26-10……………………….

I never used Euros before. Should I go to my bank and get my US dollars comportated over to Euros? Let me know quickly so I can get the ball rolling on this.

Thanks.

Pancho

On 1-26-10, Barrister Carlos Sanchez wrote:
Dear Pancho,

Thanks for your email, You do not need to go to your bank to convert the euro to dollars, 555.00 EUR= 782.394 USD.
so go to any western union or money gram office and send the money in usd.

Regards

Barr.Carlos Sanchez

On 1-26-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Sanchez,

Thank you for the information.

$782.394 is a small price to pay for the fortune that I'll be getting soon. And if you don't mind, I'll "round up" to $782.40. Technically I should be "rounding down", but I figured 'what the hell!'.

This will also be less confusing to the guy at the Western Union office. I know him and even though he's a pretty bright guy, he has a bad temper. If I were to approach him with "$782.394", he might just freak out, and hit me again. Last July he found out that I set his car on fire and he screamed louder than I ever heard anybody scream in my life. He punched me right in the gut and then went around telling everybody what happened. I mean, come on! Was that really necessary? How do you think that makes me look? This is a small town and grudges last a long time. And without a tongue, I can't even defend myself.

What would you have done?

Anyway, I'll send the money tomorrow.

Thank you for your efforts.

Pancho

On 1-28-10, Barrister Carlos Sanchez wrote:
Dear Pancho,

Thanks for your email, we are still waiting for the payment so that we can move on with the legalization of your winning fund.

Best Regards

Barr.Carlos Sanchez

On 1-28-10, Barrister Carlos Sanchez wrote:
Dear Pancho,

We wish to guarantee that upon receipt of the sum of 550euros being paymentfor consultation and legalization fee we shall unequivocally and irrevocably see to the release the sum of 1,850,000.00euros to your designated account within 48 banking hours as per laid down instruction.

That this is the last payment the beneficiary is expected to pay/make in respect or in regards to this transaction before payment is finally effected to the beneficiary's account
That on no account or under no circumstances should the beneficiary be made or asked to pay any more money order than this very payment.
That this guarantee supercedes every other guarantee the beneficiary may have been given or received in the past; be it written or verbal.

That in case of any default due to negligence on our part, the beneficiary has the right to sue or file a legal suit or complaint against our law firm for the refund of every expenses/charges the beneficiary may have incurred in the course of executing this transaction.
Our law firm takes full responsibility regarding any indemnity for the whole amount as may arise. But this is only binding on the law firm if the condition precedent to the release has been met in full.

Best Regards
Barr.Carlos Sanchez

On 1-28-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Sanchez,

Wow! You lawyers sure know how to spout off the legalese. I'm so glad there's a professional like you handling my case. I don't think I could have done it myself. And the 550 Uros is well worth it; I'm sure.

I'm sorry I couldn't wire the money to you yesterday. I was in jail.

I was actually in the Western Union office and I was standing in line, waiting my turn when I looked up and saw my "friend", Blake. He was waiting on another customer and hadn't noticed me yet. Suddenly I had an uncontrollable urge to set something on fire. Fortunately - or not - I had a full can of lighter fluid in my pocket. Well to make a long story short, the Western Union office in Root Canal, New Mexico won't be wiring money to anybody anytime soon. And poor old Blake! Well you'd think he'd be worried about where he's going to work next. He's not. Now he's worried about when - or if - his hair'll be growing back in after getting burned off.

So they let me out this morning. Not enough evidence, they said. Turns out the place was a fire trap anyway. And what could I say? Nothing. I don't have a tongue.

I'll be driving over to the town of Combustible, NM later on today. I'll wire the money then.

Thanks for being patient.

Pancho

On 2-1-10, Vladdio wrote:
Mr. Sanchez,

I regret to inform you that my brother, Pancho died 3 days ago.

The funeral was today.

At the suggestion of his lawyer, I am attempting to tie up loose ends. My brother, it appears, had many loose ends. I have spent the better part of this afternoon answering emails and closing accounts.

If I understand correctly, Pancho won a lottery and you are his immediate contact. I'll understand completely if his death precludes his heirs or dependents from putting in a claim to his winnings. However if that is not the case, please let me know what it is that you require from me to continue. It turns out that Pancho held a fairly decent life insurance policy, so his children have not been left destitute. (I would not allow that to happen anyway.)

His children - and his entire family - of course, are grieving his early demise, but I do believe that if this money is indeed coming to them, it will certainly ease their emotional burden.

Please let me know how we might proceed.

Sven Pastrami

And How I So Wanted a Northern Ireland Scammer

2011-01-13T14:49:00.000-08:00

...but cut short. Alas.

-----Original Message-----
From: Reverend Father Paul K. Solomon [mailto:qa@fischerenv.com]
Sent: Friday, January 22, 2010 5:01 AM
Subject: YOUR CALLED FOR THIS PURPOSE

On 1-22-10 The Reverend Paul K. Solomon wrote:
Greetings,

My name is Reverend Father Paul K. Solomon a missionary who lives in Northern Ireland UK

I am diagnosed of Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia (CML) and recently, my Doctor told me that I may not last for the next Three Months due to the damage this cancer has done to my body.

Being led by the Holy Spirit to entrust my estate to a total stranger as I have gone against my vow by acquiring such wealth

I have decided to entrust my entire estate worth 8M (Eight Million British Pounds Only) deposited with a Finance Firm In London, to you

Please make sure that you use this fund to the glory of God, as this is a divine call to humanity do reply with YOUR NAMES, BILING ADDRESS, AGE AND CONTACT NUMBERS, so that I can make my lawyer put your name to the will for the fund

God bless you
Rev. Father P.K Solomon

On 1-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Reverend Father Paul K. Solomon,

I would be honored and privileged to help you in this matter. Please let me know how I can assist you in this sacred mission.

I am:

Rudolfo Skybridge
496 Outback Way
Blooming Onion, MD 21251

I am 47 years old

Thank you.

Rudolfo

On 1-25-10 Vladdio wrote:
Dear Reverend Solomon,

God must surely have a hand in this "chance" cyber meeting between us. It just so happens that my mother recently passed away from the very same disease of which you are afflicted. And when diagnosed, she too succumbed in three months time. The symptoms, as you must already know, are horrific, malodorous, painful, and embarrassing. It is good that we do not take our bodies with us when we enter the Kingdom of Heaven, as I'm certain that St. Peter would hold his nose and probably vomit if he were to have seen my mother in her final corporal condition.

But just listen to me go on and on.

I'm sure I am the right person to handle your last wishes in dispersing your wealth. If you decide to trust me - AND YOU SHOULD - upon my own death I will bequeath the entire lot to a petting zoo in North Dakota of which I am particularly fond. It has for years survived on the tender mercies of other, and yet has brought so much joy and comfort to so many. You should see the chicks there. The cutest things. Oh and how I enjoy petting them.

Here is the information you requested:
Name: Achtung Omar
Address: 735 Chlamydia Drive
Fluke, ND 58204
I am 55 years old

You can only reach me via email as I am unable to speak. I took a vow of silence 24 years ago following a very unsuccessful try-out at a local talent show.

Thank you for believing in me.

Achtung

On 1-28-10, Vladdio (made a last ditch effort and) wrote:
Dear Reverend Solomon,

I hope I'm not too late to become the vessel by which you share your wealth with the Christian world.

Please consider me. I won't let you down..

Achtung

Neither a "Gangsta" nor a Child of the Beat Generation

2011-01-13T14:28:00.000-08:00

...hmmm. Last time I'll try this lingo.

From: phil michelson [mailto:philmichelson47@gmail.com]
Sent: Tuesday, January 19, 2010 12:32 AM
Subject: pool heater

On 1-19-10, Phil Michelson wrote:
Hello Sir/Madam
This is Mr Phil Michels And I Will Like To Know If You Can Order Me A
Natural Gas 400,000 BTU Pool Heater . I Will Be More Than Happy If You Can E:Mail Me With The Quote on 2 units of that Plus Tax But exclude shipping cause i will recommend a freight company that will come pick them as soon as i make payment. Also I Will Like To Know If You Accept Credit Card As A Method Of Payment So That I Can Arrange For The Payment Immediately. Hope to hear from you soon.....
Thank You.
Phil......

On 1-19-10, Vladdio wrote:
Hey What's Happenin' Pussycat!

Sure, baby. We gots tons of them heaters.

Yours for the asking, my man. But 2 only? Oh baby that's a royal downer. Go all in dude. Get the 6 pack.

I mean shiiiiiiiiiiiiit, my brotha! You gots to know these heaters ain't gonna be collecting no more dust on your dusty-ass shelves. I mean they're only $1,895 a piece. So half a dozen's only what - $11,370. And I know that's pocket change for a smooth talker like you. Am I right?

But hey, listen up. I'm gonna cut you in on a sweeeeeeeeeet deal. How's this. I'll give you the whole package for $9,500.00. That's better than I'd give my own mother (God rest her soul.)

But hey (again) you gots to deal with the shipping, man, like you said. I can't be putting this shit on wheels for you. You gots to pick it up. We cool?

And you wants to pay with plastic? No problemo, Mr. Credit Cruncher. I'm hip. Go for it. I'll swipe your card.

Send me the facts, Jack. Let's do this thing.

Parnell Sunshine
(but you can call me "Top Cat")

On 1-25-10, Vladdio wrote:
Subject: FW: pool heater

Hey there Phil!

Let's go! Order - Order - Order!

Top Cat

I'd Rather Talk About His Ugly Baby

2010-11-18T17:15:00.000-08:00

...but Noooo! All he wants to talk about is the damned fence.

-----Original Message-----
From: Larry Gates [mailto:cashmere_62@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, December 22, 2009 9:59 AM
Subject: enquiry

On 12-22-09, Larry Gates wrote:
My name is Mr Larry Gates and i am contacting your company regarding some chain link fence which i want to order for my church which is underconstruction.I came across your company through a research and i hope you will be able to help me with my order.

Here is the information
6ft by 11 and half gauge

Kindly include the form of payment,phone number and your name for communication.Wish you all the best in business and hope to hear back from you soon.

Regards
Mr Gates

On 1-4-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Gates,
The fence you ask about is not very common. Fortunately my company carries this model. Unfortunately the only one I have in stock comes with tendrils. If this is acceptable to you, I would recommend the following:

4500' of 6 ft x 11 and 1/2 GAUGE

Total price without shipping is $7,450.00

Please note that for every other church we've ever sold this fence to, they've always needed 4500'.

We accept all major credit cards as well as church checks.

Thank you.

Posey Fourteen

On 1-4-10, Larry Gates wrote:
Subject: Get me the freight charges
Unfortunately i just had a call that my wife is in labor and due to that i will not be able to schedule the pick up at my end as we planned.This is because i have to spend much time with her since she needs my care and affection for our first child.For now,i will like to recommend you to a shipping company which i will like to use for the pick up, so that you can get in touch with them and find out how much they are going to charge in shipping the materials from your location.You are not responsible for packing and crating because they will come to your location and do all the necessary arrangement.

Although am in U.S. but the merchandise is going to be shipped to my Church Ministries in Ghana and their address is

Assemblies of God Ministries
33 Station Road
Accra-Ghana 00233

Since i haven't made any payment arrangement for the material yet, i will like you to get in touch with this shipping company which am recommending,so that when you get the freight charges,you can add it on the cost of the material in other for you to email me with the grand total of the order.You dont need to know the number of boxes or weight before contacting them,because this shipping company is good in determine the freight cost if only they know the size of the material,pick up location and delivery address.

The name of the shipping company is Air Truck Shippers and their email is below.

airtruckshippers@hotmail.com

Kindly try and send them an email now by getting me the grand total of the order in other for me to provide you with my payment information.Thanks for your patience and understanding.

May God bless you
Mr Gates

On 1-4-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Gates,
Congratulations on the impending birth of your offspring. I hope it turns out to be a human child of either male or female gender, if that is what you were wishing for. You did not say if your wife was human also, and so if she is, it would be doubly fortunate. I am, of course, assuming that you are too.

Perhaps I've been imposing my human-biased opinions where none were warranted. If that is so, I apologize. It's just that I've seen too many births resulting from medical experiments gone awry. Sometimes the circus freak show is the only recourse any of these "things" can hope for. I truly don't understand why our government allows such bizarre procedures. Perhaps it's for military purposes.

In any case, please let me know how the birth turns out. I'd like to suggest some names in the event that the "child" is born with gills or with scales or totally covered in hair or whatever. I have a knack for finding the right moniker. Just ask my cousin, Hammerhead.

Meanwhile, I'll contact your shipper.

Posey

On 1-4-10, Vladdio wrote to the “shipper”
Dear airtruckshippers@hotmail.com,

Please see the information contained in the emails below regarding a shipment of fence.

The dimensions will be 19^ x 57^ x 88^ high.

The Pick up location is:
8585 Hotsy-Totsy Drive
Klepto, WI 53965

Posey Fourteen

On 1-4-10, the Shipper wrote:
Subject: Freight Charges
Thanks for your interest in contacting Air Truck Shippers and we ship world wide.Since we are going to make a shipment of fence with a dimension which is 19 x 57 x 88 high from the above address indicated below.

Pick up location
8585 Hotsy-Totsy Driveklepto,WI 53965

Drop off location
Assemblies of God Ministries
33 Station road Accra Ghana,00233

The total cost of shipment including tax is going to cost $2,950.00 us dollars and It takes approximately 4 days for delivery from the day of pick-up.We accept credit cards and checks for material being shipped within the U.S continental states and since this material is going overseas,the only method of payment we accept is Western Union or Money Gram Transfer.We are fully responsible for crating,boxing and wrapping at your location to avoid any damages that might occur when the goods are in transit.With these responsibilities,there is always the assurance of safe delivery of the merchandise.

Before pick up, Payment has to be made to our financial manager at the delivery location.

Here is the application below...

Send payment via Western Union or Money Gram to the address below
Name Yaw Charles
address 37 airport road
zipcode 00233
city Accra
country Ghana

After payment,you have to send us confirmation receipts
information with the

1.Senders First and Last name
2, Mtcn Control Number
3 Secret Question and Answer.

As soon as we received this information.We will send you a confirmation email and request the time and pick up date of the merchandise for the shipment to be put in our system for immediate pick up when they are ready.

Once again thanks for working with us and if you need anything do not hesitate to contact us because we are willing to help you to your fullest satisfaction.

Thanks in Advance
Mr Freeman
Air Truck Shippers

On 1-5-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Gates,
I'm forwarding the shipping information to you (see below).

As you can see, the shipping cost is $3,950.00. How do you want to handle this? And when can I expect payment for the fence material?

Also, yesterday you said that your wife was in labor. Is it over? Was the "baby" born? Was it a human? Will you still require my services in naming it? I made a preliminary list of names for you to chose from. Please let me know which ones you may be using.

Girls names: Parsnip, Bean, Barker, Steam-Iron, Hoarfrost, Lefty, Crapper, Diphthong
Boys names: Posey

Please send me a photo of the "baby". I have connections to side show producers. I also have part interest in a petting zoo. I'm sure I could place your "child" in a profitable environment if need be.

Thank you and congratulations (if they are in order).

Posey

On 1-5-10, Larry Gates wrote:
Thank your very much for your wonderful service and i do appreciate your kind service.My baby was born and am overwhelmed with joy.I am ok with the freight charges and i will like you to go ahead and add the cost of the shipping plus the cost of the material altogether by emailing me with the grand total of the order.Please advise with the full cost so that i can go ahead and provide you with my credit card for the full payment on the order.Wish you all the best in business and hope to hear back from you soon.

Regards
Mr Gates

On 1-5-10, Larry Gates wrote:
I sent you an email and am still waiting for your respond.Hope to hear back from you soon.

On 1-5-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Gates,
The fence costs $7,450.00 and the shipping is $4,950.00. The total is $13,400.00.

I'm glad to hear that the baby was born. I'm sure you're relieved at that. Which of the names I provided did you decide to go with? I'd appreciate it if you would NOT name the baby "Posey" if it has no ears. I have no ears and I am always referred to as "Posey without any ears". It was funny at first but it's not anymore. In fact I've been arrested more than once for times when some one mentioned my ear deficit. It's really not as bad as many would imagine. In fact I routinely win sled races due to the fact that I have such little wind resistance.

So what is it? Girl or boy? What will you call it? Was it born with very sharp teeth? All of my children were. They could all chew through a tile floor by the time they were 1 year old.

Let me know where I can send a gift and a card for your wife, and a choker chain for your little whatever-it-is.

Posey

On 1-5-10, Larry Gates wrote:
Now that i have the total cost of the order.Can you please advise if i can go ahead and provide you with my credit card for the transaction.Hope to hear back from you soon.Also am confusing because the shipping cost which you forwarded me was 2,950.00 us dollars and why 4,950 us dollars.Kindly let me be clear on this.Hope to hear back from you soon.

On 1-5-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Gates,

You're absolutely right. It was my mistake. The price of shipping is $2,950.00.

Please get me the payment ASAP for $13,500.00.

Thanks.

Posey.

PS. When can you send me some photos of your new puppy?

On 1-6-10, Larry Gates wrote:
I am not comfortable with this business because the amount you mentioned for the order is beyoned what you quoted.I dont think this is legitimate

On 1-6-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Gates,

I am deeply offended by your suggestion that I am involved with something illegal.

And before I say something that we will both regret, I think you should apologize immediately. AND as a sign of good faith I think you should tell me something very personal about yourself. Something that would be very embarrassing to you were it to be made public.

I don't know where you live, but in my country (USA) and in my culture this is the way we secure a business relationship and a personal friendship; by sharing some story from our sordid pasts.

And so I will begin with my story: In 1968, I was living on the streets of Omaha, NE. I was homeless and survived by beating up school children and stealing their lunches. (That's not the embarrassing part. Most of them were little bastards anyway and deserved the beatings.) One day, I was returning to a park bench where I had been sleeping at night and found an old man napping in the same spot where I usually slept. I approached him quietly and smacked him right in the face just as hard as I could, knocking him off the bench and into the mud. (This is not the embarrassing part either because I hate old people. They're always getting the best parking spaces.) A meter maid had just happened to be walking past and started shouting at me about hitting that old fart, when she slipped in the mud landing on the old coot accidentally driving her elbow into his eye. He shrieked in pain and I laughed so hard I wet myself. That was so embarrassing.

Ok now you know something embarrassing about me. You must now tell me an embarrassing episode from your life. And I don't think it would be fair if you told me about your new ugly baby since I already know about that.

Please let me know when you will be sending me your payment information.

Thank you.

Posey

On 1-13-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Gates,

We're giving deep deep discounts for the fence you are interested in, if you are still interested in it.

Please contact me.

Posey

PS. I never gave you a choice of non-gender specific names for your ugly baby. Here are some: Rover, Spot, Fluffy, Ranger, Tri-pod

The Honey Glazed Licorice Flavored Latch Scam

2010-04-11T17:14:00.000-07:00

...a classic that just improves with age.

In this scam, David Banks (not his real name... I would bet) and Owusu Kennedy (hmmm... I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt here) attempt to rip me off.
I know - it's a shocker.

From: David Banks [mailto:david_banks9007@yahoo.com]
Sent: Thursday, December 17, 2009 3:21 AM
Subject: order

On 12-17-09, David Banks wrote:
GOOD DAY CUSTOMER..
I AM MR DAVID BANKS FROM CALIFORNIA AND I WILL LIKE TO KNOW WHETHER YOU DO CARRY (Gate Thumb Latch )AND IF YOU DO CARRY THEM REPLY ME BACK WITH THE TYPES, SIZES AND THEIR PRICES AS WELL SO THAT WE CAN PROCEED
ALSO LET ME KNOW THE METHOD OF PAYMENT YOU ACCEPT FOR CHARGES.
HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON
MR. DAVID BANKS

On 12-17-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Banks,

We do carry the Gate Thumb Latch you were asking about.

We carry both the RED and GOLD series. All in the 12", 13", 14", and 16" models. (Prices are $34, $35, $36, and $700.)

We also have the premium LATCH series which is Honey Glazed Licorice Flavored for Pet House Applications. These only come in RED 42" model.

I'm assuming you'd want 45 Honey Glazed Licorice Flavored Latches which list at $49.95 each. These are pre-drilled for whistles and spoons. (But I would imagine you already know that..)

Your total cost for this order would be $2,247.75

We do accept all major credit cards.

Lucifer Shane

PS. I see you live in California.. Do you live in Northern or Southern California? I know a lot of people in Northern California, but I don't know anybody in Southern California..

On 12-17-09, David Banks wrote:
Hello Customer,

Thank you for your quick response...I am interested in ordering this unit

45 Honey Glazed Licorice Flavored Latches

I am okay with the price per cost and i want 150 pcs.What will the total unit cost going to be..

Thank you

Banks

On 12-17-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Banks,

150 Honey Glazed Licorice Flavored Latches @ $49.95 each is a total of $7,492.50.. You've suddenly become my favorite customer.

And I have to ask you again: Do you live in Northern or Southern California? This is a personal interest of mine and it is important to know for packaging of the material..

Honey Glazed Licorice Flavored Latches require 2 very different treatments depending on the destination. In Southern California, the latches would need to be marinated in pickle juice prior to shipping due to the scrud infestation. In Northern California the latches only require a low dose of gamma radiation and a dab of chapstick on the jibs. If you lived in the northern part of the state you would know this because of the drought.

So again: WHAT PART OF THE STATE ARE THESE LATCHES GOING? Southern? Or Northern?

Also: We're having a sale on whistles and spoons. Let me know if you need any.

Lucifer

PS. YOU are the Customer. I am the Supplier. You should address me as such, or just call me Lucifer.

On 12-17-09, David Banks wrote:
Subject: Contact Freight
Once again, i am glad to hear from you .i have seen the quote you provided and I am Okay with the total cost of the Unit .But i want us to make the necessary arrangements for the shipping of the Unit from your Location to my Delivery Location in Accra Ghana . I want to recommend you to BLUE WAVES SHIPPING COMPANY Who will be coming to your location for the pick .They are going to ship the Unit from Your Location to my Delivery location .I have been into business with the freight company and One of their policies is that,they don't accept Individual Orders but they rather accept Organizations and company orders . I therefore want you to contact them on my behalf so that they will quote you a freight cost from your Location to my delivery location .These are the information with which you can contact them .:

SHIPPING COMPANY CONTACT INFORMATION

Contact Person :Mr Owusu Kennedy
Company Name : BLUE WAVES SHIPPING COMPANY
Company/Contact Person E-mail : bluewavesshippingcompany@gmail..com

When contacting them,give them the information below :

Your Pick-up Location Address :
Total Unit Weight :
My Delivery Location Address :
Mr George Willson
102 Essenwood Road
Accra Ghana, 00233

i want you to go ahead and contact them now and get back to me , so that i can provide you with my credit card for you to bill for the total amount together with the shipping cost . i would be looking forward to hearing from you as soon as you hear from the shipping company.

Best Wishes and Regards
Mr David Banks

On 12-17-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Banks,

I did not know these latches were going to be shipped out of the United States.

Before I contact your shipper I need to know if the weather in Ghana is very hot or very cold. This could severely impact the warrantee on the latches.

And where is Ghana? Is it in South America or Africa?

Thank you.

Lucifer

On 12-17-09, David Banks wrote:
Lucifer

Ghana is in West Africa and the weather there is cold...Is this information okay for you to go ahead and contact the freight company .If so do that and let me know what my shipping charges is going to be and get me the total unit cost and shipping charges and i will send you my credit card details for you to bill and run charges on ..

I will be more happier to do business with you...

Thank you

Banks

On 12-17-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Banks,

Thank you for the information about Ghana.

The cold weather may be a bit of a problem because of the plovit connectors and the unsealed superglot pegs. I have my secretary on the phone with the engineer now trying to figure out how to compensate for the thrust.

I will contact your shipper immediately.. However I would like to know if you require whistles and spoons..

Thank you and I agree, I too will be happier to do business with you.

By the way, I occasionally exchange photos with customers from distant countries. I know you're in California but since I'm in Georgia, California seems like a foreign country to me. Can you send me a photo of yourself? And could you sign it?

Thanks again.

Lucifer

On 12-17-09, David Banks wrote:
Lucifer,

You sound to be a good friend ..I will be glad if we become friends but for now i am a little busy and wants the units soon so we could talk about any other issue later..If this sounds harsh them am sorry okay but i hope you understand what i am trying to say..

Thank you

Banks

On 12-17-09, Vladdio wrote to the "shipper":
Dear Mr. Owusu Kennedy,

See the information contained in this email regarding a shipment of latches.

The total weight of this order (including pallet) will be 430 lbs.
The pallet will be 36" x 36" x 40" high.

The pick up address is:

6201 Huzzah Circle
Uppity, GA 30083

By the way, you wouldn't happen to be one of the Massachusetts Kennedys, would you? If you were, I wouldn't mind having a photo of you!

Lucifer

On 12-17-09, the "shipper" wrote:
Subject: Shipping Quote

***BLUEWAVES SHIPPING COMPANY***
Dear Valued Customer,

Thank you for the inquiry.We are a shipping company in Ghana with affiliates in the USA.We have just completed a two-week delivery of some packages from Taiwan to Ghana.After calculation, and viewing the dimensions of the unit as specified by you ,we have gotten the freight quote for this shipment.Below is a break down of the quote :

Handling and Documentation & crating:$850.00
Shipping from 6201 Huzzah Circle Uppity, GA 30083 to Airport in Ghana and Customs clearance :$850.00
Delivery from Ghana airport to specified address in Ghana:$1,650.00, regardless of distance.
The complete total of shipping becomes : $3,350.00 USD

And moreover our company policy is to to receive payment from the location of pickup.Payment should be made from you. We accept Wire Transfers Only so as to make arrangements and have everything ready on time.However, we will need to have a date that you will like to have this unit picked.Payments should be made prior to ship date.

Do get back to me and let us know when the payment will be made so we can provide you with the necessary information to use..

We look forward to serving you to the fullest satisfaction.

The Freight & Logistics Manager
Mr Owusu Kennedy
BLUEWAVES SHIPPING Co.
Ghana

NB:This quote is valid for 30 days and it takes approximately 7 days for delivery from the day of pick up.

On 12-17-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Banks,

See below for the shipping charges: $3,350.00.

I must say I'm surprised how cheap it is to send a package of this size to Ghana. I expected it would be closer to $6,000. In fact I just withdrew $7,000 cash from my bank to take to the Western Union Office, as I was anticipating a speedy pick-up. If you'd like, I can wire the money to the shipper now and then get your credit card information when it's more convenient for you. I know you're a busy man. You told me so in your last email.. That's why I can't get a photo of you right now - remember?

Maybe YOU should contact this Owusu Kennedy and ask him to check over his calculations.. I'd feel horrible if we ended up paying him less because of some math mistake. I'm only trying to be fair.

How would you like to proceed? Shall I wait for your credit card info? Or should I just wire him the money? Or should we wait to see if he needs to re-calculate the shipping charges?

Let me know ASAP. I hate to carry around $7,000 in my pocket.

Thanks.

Lucifer

On 12-17-09, David Banks wrote:
Lucifer

I want you to go ahead and contact the freight company right away and make payments to them right away and after that i will send you my credit card details for you to bill and run the charges on...

Advise

Banks

On 12-18-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Banks,

Great idea!

And I hope you don't mind my suggestion of having the shipper re-calculate the shipping costs. It occurred to me that that cost would be money out of your pocket, not mine. I guess my radical religious upbringing still makes me think that most other people are like me: generous, caring, fair.

And in fact, I'm not unaware that most people in the world are like you: bitter, insensitive, conniving, shrewd, manipulative, self-centered, callous, and mean. But of course that doesn't imply that I wouldn't like a person like you. I probably wouldn't, but it doesn't imply that.. I suppose the shipper Kennedy is as awful a person as you, so he'd get the same treatment that he gives. This is God's way of balancing evil. Evil people tend to prey on evil people. That's fair and just.

Banks, is there any chance that I could get your photo? My wife says that if she could look into your eyes she could tell if you are a soulless demon. And that would at very least be interesting.

I'm get back to you when I wire the money.

Thanks.

Lucifer

On 12-18-09, David Banks wrote:
Lucifer,
I already told you that in terms of business am serious and am looking for serious to do business with.As i stated i will send you photos of myself when i am done with business and you should that is friendship between us.I will like that as well.At the moment i want you to go ahead and make payments to the shipper and after that i can send you my credit card details for you to bill and run charges on..Tell me of any additional charges okay..I will pay for that also and i want the goods urgently to my newly established so if you are serious i am serious..Once again go ahead and contact the shipper and make payment so that we can proceed..
Show me receipts made from you to the shipper okay..

Thank you

Banks

On 12-18-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Banks,

Thank you for your promise of sending me the photos of yourself. That's unusually kind of you. If possible I would like one of your face, one in profile, one of you on a horse (preferably a white horse), one of you walking out of a drugstore, one of you pretending to fly a kite, and one of you pretending to be very sad.

I am truly touched by your offer of friendship but until my wife can confirm that you are not a cannibalistic window-washer, I think it's best that we remain business associates.

I wired the money to Mr. Kennedy less than a half hour ago. I know that when I wire money to the Pacific Rim, the money is there almost instantly. I was told that wiring money to Ghana could take up to 8 hours because of how backwards the entire country is. (Is it true that the people of Ghana still walk on all fours?)

Here is the Money Order Numbers you asked for:

1. Money transfer control number (MTCN#) 8675-309-867-5309
2. Amount send after wiring charge fee $3,470.00

I'll count on you to contact the shipper to relay this information. I refuse to speak to him as long as he continues to write his email in cryptic riddles.

Thanks.

Lucifer

On 12-18-09, David Banks wrote:
Lucifer Who did the send the money..Send me an e-mail with the copy of the receipt okay..
That will make me know that you have payed and get back to the shipping company after they receive the money they will come for the goods okay..

Advise

Banks

On 12-19-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Banks,

I wired the money to Owusu Kennedy as I was instructed.

I am presently unable to email a copy of the receipt to you since my scanner is broken. (I was attempting to scan and/or copy the entrails of an otter to a haruspex for a reading and accidentally spilled some of its stomach contents into the fan vent. I should have the scanner working again in a day or two, but my real concern is my inability to forecast the upcoming hockey and basketball results. My haruspex is 98% successful in his predictions and I've made quite a bit of money betting on the games. I've also made enough money to start an otter breeding operation. Let me know if you need any otter parts. I only need the entrails.)

However I can describe the receipt to you as I have it in my hand right now. It is paper with a Western Union logo on it and shows the amount sent ($3,470.00) and the MTCN number (8675-309-867-5309). I wouldn't be too concerned. I'm sure the money will reach Ghana shortly.

I believe it's safe to schedule a pick-up at my location now. Let me know when that would be.

Also, please send me your credit card information. I think you've had enough time.

Also, since you are waiting with nothing else to do, this might be an opportune time to send me those photographs you keep talking about. Now you have me very curious.

Thanks.

Lucifer

On 12-19-09 David Banks wrote:
Lucifer

How are you doing..?I am glad you said you have sent the money so i want you to e-mail Mr Owusu Kennedy with the information that was given to you at the banking hall and and let him confirm that and ask him when he will come and pick up the units to my location

Banks

On 12-20-09, Vladdio wrote to the "shipper":
Dear Owusu Kennedy,

Please note that I did not wire you any money via Western Union. I did not and I will not.

I feel so guilty about this because Mr. David Banks, although he is seriously dim-witted, has been so good and so fair about this whole transaction. But I've decided to come clean and just tell you: I am a scammer. Yes, this was a scam the whole time. I was trying to get that other knuckle-head to send me some money and I had no intentions of sending you any money for shipping. Just be glad that you didn't lose any money. Banks did. There are no "latches" and I don't live in Georgia. I live in Western Africa, probably not too far from you, but very far from Banks. He lives in California. That's as much as I'll say.

I know this isn't the Christian thing to do, and if it matters to you I feel horrible. And I'd like to make amends but I spent the money. I will keep you two in my prayers though. And I hope he finds a good supplier of latches. I can't recommend one and if I did he shouldn't trust me anyway.

Do me a favor, and please don't tell David Banks about this until after the new year. I'd hate to ruin his Christmas holidays.

And thank him for the money for me.

Good Bye.

Lucifer

On 12-20-09, Owusu Kennedy wrote:
Hello Lucifer
I will not inform Mr Banks about this but my advice to you is that if you knew it was a scam you should have not contacted me for any shipment..

Bye and spend the holiday okay