Vlieny

Stairs, Hills, Spikes, Dips, Outliers

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 12 Aug 2018 15:56:00 +0000

Have you ever viewed your life in a graph? I have done so from time to time and this week I have done that even more analytically than usual. It usually happens, when I have to adapt or change a bit. The graph has a x-axis which shows the seconds, days, months, years depending on the analytical life question and the y-axis represents the goals and the scale of happiness.

My graph usually moves up slowly like a flight of stairs, but ones in a while it spikes up. The spike usually means that a happy event happened or a goal has been met. The graph continues in a stairs-like pattern and sometimes there is a fallback in going up, a dip. A small or major disruption to progress of goals, happiness... It is just life's turmoil. Then there is a new factor that appears as an outlier?

Dips
The dips of waterfall slide lines have been my sad moments and struggles. Some are steeper than others, but I always fell and stood up no matter how difficult the situation may be. Even when others say: "It won't happen", "You will fail again" or "That is unbelievable that you failed". It didn't stop me from doing what I needed to do to pick myself up.
The worst struggle is to convince yourself, that it will be alright and you just don't believe yourself and still push yourself forward because you know you are stronger than the ridiculous unrealistic depressing thoughts. The second worse feeling is the chronic headache, which usually says: "Hi, you are alive and you might be close to death?! Oh, wait! I will go to sleep later and bug you during another moment of your life. So don't worry, I am the usual headache attack not an endless non stoppable pain."

Stairs
The stairs-like graph depicts me growing up, learning more and more, accomplishing something and going forward. Some would call this line boring, but learning new things usually brights up my day. You can learn things from your surroundings, observing others, reading a book/an article, watch television et cetera.

Spikes
The spikes in the graph represents a celebration of a goal, another happy occassion.
- Primary school to High school to University to a full-time Job and a lifetime of studying
- Making music with my flute, alone, in a quartet or orchestra
- Travelling to different places, an adventure
- Meeting certain people for the first time and/or meeting them again and again

Outlier
The outlier is a dot from the line graph, that is an anomaly something you didn't expect usually it can't be used to explain your findings and can't be drawn into your line graph. It floats above it and under it. When I draw a line from the outlier dots it forms a diagonally line up and sometimes turns into an aortic pressure graph which in my graph is a small murmur of a strange dip.
The diagonally line shows a growing happiness and the strange dip an argument of some sorts that actually helps the graph sometimes go up a bit steeper. I am still waiting for that line to turn into a flat-line, a constant, but to be honest I think that is impossible. The cause of these dots are due to "Petite" Okami.

Longing for silence until it subsides

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 04 Apr 2018 20:31:00 +0000

Wednesday is the day that it is most calm at work due to certain colleagues who you can tease, communicate with without worry. When you are in trouble or they are in trouble, you will never feel alone nor feel bad stress.

But... Today is also the day, that the weather shifted from cold to very cold, to warm to very warm and than super cold again... My body became tired in the afternoon, my shoulders and neck tense and my ears heard certain things louder. My brain felt as if it was going to stop thinking and than it started to rapidly think all by itself. And suddenly certain sounds sound louder, softer, as if you are swimming in the ocean. A pain starts to set in, but I ignore it and stand up. I walk around, get some water... Wishing for silence, but all I did was act as if nothing is wrong. I become even more tired and eventually I say: "Hello, headache are you back again today? Will you let me be till I can sleep?"

Acknowledging the tiredness and the headache is one, but trying to act normally without anyone noticing and getting home safely is another. I guess I managed work, got home safely, could eat dinner without wanting to vomit but trying to calm the pain... So far tiger balm, a hot shower doesn't work. "Will you let me sleep? You are making me very tired... At least, stop making certain sounds 10 times as loud... I am counting the hours for silence until you subside..."

Line of today: Chronic tension headache should never be taken lightly

Lets catch up?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 11 Mar 2018 20:47:00 +0000

It is March and I haven't blogged this year!

Is it because I haven't seen any interesting men? Experienced super cute stuff? Writers block? Nope, I just didn't make time to write things online.

I guess we need to catch up, right? This year has so far been complicated.

In the middle of last year, I have decided to pick up "the" dating once again. Calling "the" dating doesn't make it sound fancier unfortunately, perhaps "la datation"? A little bit, right? French makes it sound all Oeh lala. Except so far I have missed the romance and the wooing, neither online or offline. People should chat like in the old days, a real conversation as a human-being.

The world outside of the mobile phone, wait what am I saying? It doesn't exist! Most people are staring at their mobile phones! It was already hard enough to notice certain queues, that men make like walking/standing closer to you (as if he's a spy, but you definitely notice), lean in when they talk or smile in a distance. The last one, is so hard to see when you are in a museum or somewhere half dark! But there was a humour side to it all, you either hit or miss or you just don't get it. In my case, I don't notice the difference between a flirt and a friendly conversation. It is all a friendly conversation! Until you are in my comfort zone or ask me out for a drink. How do you read someone, who is holding a mobile phone or have earbuds in their ears?

The definition for "conversation", according the the Oxford dictionary is "A talk, especially an informal one, between two or more people, in which news and ideas are exchanged".
And "woo", "Try to gain the love of (someone), especially with a view to marriage."
Why am I quoting these definitions? I miss stories like the movie "Sleepless in Seattle" (1993) distance doesn't matter or the innocence of "An affair to remember" (1957) and the meeting like in "Serendipity" (2001). The tease, the efforts you make to get to know someone and the adventures you want to have with that someone. Men have become lazy *sticks tongue out* or have I started a conversation with someone who I can have many adventures with?

What else... Ah, the moving! I will be moving into my new apartment at the end of this year. At least, I think so. Will it be finished? On which floor are they working on now? Do I know where I can find my parquet on time? Or who will I choose to paste my wallpaper? Gaaaaahhhh...

Then there is death, sickness and all the other life sucks moments. I guess, you are all caught up now.

Line of today: I want to have many many lovely adventures!

Photography that inspires

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 29 Dec 2017 18:02:00 +0000

I visited the Foam in Amsterdam today and was inspired by the photographer André Kertész. His photo's depicts his talents and also shows a part of his life.

These are the pictures, that are my favourite in timeline when he took them.

1926 - Mondriaan's Pipe and Glasses in Paris
He met a few artists at the start of his career.

This still-life is of many that he took, that shows how simple a setting can be but also how interesting it can be when you photograph it from the right angle.

1929 - Shadows of the Eiffel Tower
He took many pictures in Paris with shadows that have a certain pattern. He was there at the right time and spot of the day.

Imagine standing there looking down and seeing the half round shape created by the Eiffel Tower and the sun. And standing there ready with your camera.

New York stairs
I am not sure, when this was taken but it was around the time that he moved to New York. He started to capture moments of illusion in his photo's.

I love the playfulness of this picture, also I can imagine how he felt when he developed his film and saw it being successfully captured. I remember that I couldn't wait for my film roll to be developed to see whether what I saw was captured on a picture. The luxury that we have now, seeing what we have captured after a second... I wonder what kind of pictures he would have taken with a modern camera.

1968 - Tokyo, Japan
He visited Japan during is late career.

This picture puts a smile on my face! It is funny and playful. There is an arrow on the ground and the men in suits are all walking into that direction with an umbrella. They are all heading somewhere, but somehow they are together even if they don't have the same destination. Apart from that it also reminds me of the memories I have made in Tokyo, an escape scene from the movie Minority Report and Gene Kelly dancing and singing in the rain.

1979 - Polaroid

There was a time André Kertész stopped making photo's. It was the period when his wife, Elizabeth Saly, passed away in 1977. I was touched to read that he found a statue that reminded him of her and made it one of his main subjects in a collections of photo's. In 1979 he received a Polaroid SX-70 from the Polaroid Company and created this collection.

This one is my favourite, because I can imagine seeing a loving couple who is looking at a sunset or sunrise.

Release "poof" feeling from cuteness overload

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 31 Aug 2017 20:37:00 +0000

A process went live today, so I had a busy and lovely day! Work was so much fun today!
It became even better, when I could see and talk to the young part-timer.

I first saw him, when a colleague brought her baby to work. The baby is so cute! It made me smile and so happy! And seeing him standing in front of me made it even more fun. He glanced at me a few times and smiled. I didn't have a chance to talk to him, because I was standing next to other colleagues who I talked to but he noticed me and I noticed him.

In the afternoon, I had a few questions for a lady colleague so I decided to tick-off a to-do list so I visited a few colleagues at different locations. My last stop is at the desk of the lady, who is very knowledgeable when it comes to hardware, clients and such. To my surprise two o'clock in front of her was where the young part-timer sat. I guess it couldn't be helped huh. This is the department, where he is a part-timer after all.

I chatted with the lady and she helped me out a lot. I always enjoy learning things from her and the conversations are nice. In return she asked me questions and to my surprise he joined the conversation. I was sitting on a stool on her left, he stood a few seconds behind us and eventually sat on the short L side of her desk on her right side. I glanced at him, he stared at me and eventually we talked. It is rare to talk to someone, who doesn't evade their eyes from you. And it didn't feel uncomfortable, when he did that. His eyes seemed to be green, but during the conversation his eyes were blue. He tried to make me laugh with word play jokes or repeated a few of my words and changed it into something funny. There were a few jokes, that made him doubt himself, but they were cute and they made me smile.

I was holding myself in too much, I guess. Cuteness makes me smile broadly and during these kinds of work conversations it is odd to smile that broadly. He is intelligent and cute. Usually to calm down these feelings I would pout and slap my cheeks with two flat hands, each on one side of my cheeks. I couldn't do that here nor could I pout. I so wanted to at least pout!

The lady needed coffee, he went and got some for her but also asked whether I need something to drink. He is such a gentleman! After I helped the lady, I stored the stool back where I got it from. He stood up and stood behind the sitting lady and I didn't have a choice I had to walk past him from behind. I then noticed that he is tall, fit, smells nice and has broad shoulders... Gosh, intelligent, cute and sexy. *slaps pouting cheeks*

Age, does it matter?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 28 Aug 2017 21:20:00 +0000

Gentleman, kindness and hardworking. It has been years, since I last saw a man who had those characteristics. And being able to hold a conversation. His stare, his posture. Impressing in a subtle way, without being arrogant. Intelligent and kind. Charming... *sigh*

I guess they haven't died out, but there aren't many of them left. The chance of meeting one, becomes more and more difficult because you need to meet them in person somewhere out there. You can't just bump into them, trip in front of them, they won't just appear just in front of you.

I met one, without knowing it. Two weeks ago, we had a longer conversation with one another. It felt natural, innocent and just sharing stories and asking questions. I guess more than that isn't really possible at work. And being someone, who enjoys her job and wants to deliver something that works well not just so-so I couldn't be distracted. He does the same even though he is just a student, who is a part-timer, but last week he told a story louder to someone else. Answering questions, which I have asked before through Facebook. His posture, body, feet weren't facing to the one who he was having a conversation with. They were facing to the other side of the huge room, where I was sitting at my desk. I was concentrating on a difficult puzzle and he was distracting me a little.

His beard, his maturity, the way he talks made me think he was between the age of 26-28. Unfortunately I discovered last week that he was way younger than that. But before I found that out he flirted with me even though it was through text. Also he showed that he is humble. Gosh, he is cute too! He has so many bonuses apart from his character. Hardworking, guitarist and not bad looking at all!

I am glad I asked how old he is, before I asked something irresponsible. He is a 23 year old student, but flirted like a gentleman. Rare to have met such a man once again.

I feel that the universe is taunting me, when I give up on men they appear around me. They walk towards me, sit/stand opposite of me or sit/stand next to me. Breathing loudly, stare, but non say something. Or when you meet someone and have a conversation with them they suddenly appear to be date-able, but in reality they aren't. An illusion, that disappears in an instant.

Line of today: "World, you are messing with me for fun huh?" *shakes head and smiles broadly*

Not myself just yet...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 02 Jul 2017 21:39:00 +0000

I am tired, but it isn't the kind of tired that you usually are when you haven't slept well. This kind of tired is involuntary, your mind is awake but your body just doesn't feel like it should be.

It started...
On Wednesday 21th June I thought I just had a headache, later that day I thought I had the flu because my entire body had muscle ache. Also my fever was 38,8 degrees Celsius. So I slept after eating a banana. When you are ill, you won't eat much which is normal but Thursday morning my fever was still 38,8 degrees Celsius. It became worse that afternoon, I became paralysed. My hands and arm cramped in the form of crab claws. My legs needed to curl up to make the pain lesser. My breathing was rapid and my body shot in a panic. A family doctor arrived two hours later and determined an ambulance has to come to bring me to the hospital. Another two hours later an ambulance arrived. I felt ashamed of needing help to walk downstairs from a 3 store flat, but I guess I had no choice because my whole entire body was cramping. My body wasn't listening to my mind at all. I was finally in the ambulance. I was paralysed for quite sometime before I was finally admitted at the Emergency Room (ER) of the nearest hospital. It took them more than 4 hours for them to take proper action...

Admitted in a hospital
It is Thursday evening/night and the doctors and nurses determined my fever is now 40 degrees Celsius. I am in pain and morphine sulphate pentahydrate didn't relief the pain. I received antibiotics and I think the diclofenac helped my pain the most. My muscles were slowly relaxing after I took the tablet. The pain throughout my body, head, arms, hands started to become lesser. Around 3 am on Friday I could finally rest a bit. Except it didn't last very long, the side effects of the antibiotics hit me from 6 am till 8 am, diarrhoea. It didn't calm me down, when I heard around 5 am that I had to be admitted in another hospital because the one I am in has no beds left at their nursing department. I had to finish the strong antibiotics treatment in a hospital and they had to monitor me even though my body was finally calming down.

Sleep?
I have only slept for one hour and I was lying in another ambulance travelling to another hospital. I haven't slept well for two nights and I hoped I could finally sleep in the next hospital. Every time I lay down on my side, back or other side I felt a pain in my lower back. My lower back was soar, because they retrieved spinal fluid there through a needle when I was at the ER. They deduced with the spinal fluid that I didn't have Meningitis (a brain inflammation). I am glad that there was nothing wrong with my brain, even though it was throbbing like a maniac. My headache was still there and I felt that my muscles had an unusual ripping tearing workout. Still all I wanted to do is sleep and rest.

I couldn't sleep at all on Friday. I had to feel hunger for more than half a day so that they could make a Ultrasound and CT scan of my Thorax and lower parts of my body. I guess the X-Thorax made at the ER of my lungs wasn't enough. They needed to find whether there is a problem with my intestines, stomach, kidney's, uterus etc. I felt like a guinea pig for an entire weekend, I had to use a poo and a urine cup so that they could test my fluids. And I received plenty of fluid through Intravenous (IV) therapy, sacks of NaCl and each day also a bag NaCl mixed with a strong antibiotics. The side effects were again diarrhoea. This sounds like a vicious cycle right? Giving someone antibiotics which will cause one to dehydrate and than give them IV treatment of NaCl to replenish the fluid they have lost. I guess Western medicine sucks on this front.

Trauma
So I thought it couldn't get worse, but it did. I am in a four bedroom patient room with a Misses on my left and diagonal in front of me a Mister. Both of them patients, who are old and not just "sick". The first night I witnessed some horrible things, a warm welcome as a first night in this hospital. Misses in the room had hypo and almost died from a coma. It took hours to stabilise her and in the middle of the night Mister in the room made a drowning water sound from his mouth, than he coughed non stop. I peeked through my curtain and saw a sea of black puddles on the other side of the room. I pressed the red button to call a nurse, but no one came after I counted for 3 seconds. I had to get up to get the nurse, who was at his station. I was super tired, but had to retrieve a nurse to help Mister in my room. This while I had to put on my shoes and walk with my IV pole! The room lights weren't on so I still saw the black puddles, I sat down on my bed behind the curtains and took off my shoes. Then I lay back in my bed and closed my eyes. The lights were switched on and I am sure behind the curtains of my bed the puddles would have looked dark red, but I ignored it and tried to sleep while I slowly stopped smelling the sourish scent and slowly didn't hear the nurses who were helping Mister.

Refreshed for while
On Saturday I could finally take a shower, while on the other side of the shower wall was my IV pole. Showering with one arm is no fun and getting dressed with an IV sack in one of your hands is a weird experience as well. It was refreshing though, wearing clean PJ's. My clothes were smelly, sweaty and sticky. Three days of feverish nights has also made my hair look greasy and I had a hairdo that looked like that of Mortisia from the Adams family. After washing my hair it was silky soft again, which felt great. The pleasant feeling didn't last very long, especially when travel back with your IV pole through the hallway back to the four room hospital room, number 39. Opposite of the room is Mister, who is now receiving donated blood to replenish the blood he has lost the night before and on your left Misses who isn't in her hypo state anymore but still breathing heavily. This all with a gorgeous view from the window of the 10th floor.

Recovering
On Monday I could finally go home. While I headed home my body didn't move as I wanted to. It was unusual tired so was my brain. The metro ride felt like a long endless rollercoaster, where you have to stay awake in otherwise you will never wake up again. Walking home and walking up the stairs felt like I was carrying my body instead of moving forward, but I was moving forward. I guess not walking much and lying in bed a lot while taking heavy medication just doesn't make one seem sane.

The mystery remains
At home I finally slept and rested, food smelled great but due to the antibiotics treatment most of the food tasted like metal. At home I had to finish the antibiotics treatment through pills three spread out in three days. I dreaded this treatment the most, because I had to time when I eat and take the pills. Also the taste of the pill was metallic, which is the cause of the taste of metal for most of my food choices. Four days ago I finished the treatment and since two days ago, I could finally taste every food again. I guess the antibiotics is slowly leaving my body...

Unfortunately, I don't know what happened a week ago. I just hope it will never happen again. It was a new experience, but I would never wish anyone such pain. It would have been great to know the cause of it all, but after all the tests they have done with my blood, stools and urine I am glad I am not a guinea pig anymore. They couldn't find anything and they couldn't see anything strange from the pictures of my Thorax and lower body parts. I guess we are only human after all. Our human bodies is still a mystery.

Twenty seconds and Why not?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 20 Feb 2017 23:50:00 +0000

I watched the movie "We bought a Zoo" today, a 2011 movie. The movie starts off quite sad, the main character played by Matt Damon called Benjamin Mee has just lost his wife and has two children. He is a dreamer and also wants to get over his lovely wife, who he loves very much. He decides to move, because he can't seem to get over her at the place where he is now. So he buys a huge house, which is also a Zoo hence the name of the movie "We bought a Zoo".

The story of the movie tells of a family who is trying to start their new life in a new home. It also tells the story of the Zoo, being renovated into "Rosemoor Animal Park" which is based on a real-life zoo called "Dartmoor Wildlife Park". The writer and director have done a great job in portraying the heartfelt feelings, also the way they filmed the animals and how they tell a story themselves. The tiger Spar and Buster the bear were my favourite stories. They helped Benjamin grieve and gave him strength without him knowing it.

My favourite scene in the movie is the part he gives and advice to his son, which his brother taught him. The twenty seconds that led him to meet his wife and bought a house with a zoo. "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it"

Twenty seconds is indeed enough for anyone to meet someone new and to see whether there is a click. Just like the twenty seconds Benjamin used to walk into a restaurant and say to his wife-to-be: "Why would an amazing woman like you even talk to someone like me?" She replied: "Why not?"

Do men even do that any more? Walking up to a woman, who they like or feel attracted to? Or doesn't that happen any more because most of us are looking at their mobile phones and don't know how to differentiate kindness over flirting? What happened to just saying: "Hi", and smile and just start a conversation. I do miss those times, having short conversations with strangers without anyone thinking that you want something. Where are the twenty seconds and the opportunity to say: "Why not?"

She was beautiful, strong, a woman before her time

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 03 Feb 2017 19:47:00 +0000

I visited the exhibition Marilyn Monroe 90 years today and it was totally worth it! Sunday the exhibition will run for its last day in the Nieuwe kerk and I am glad I didn't miss it.

Marilyn Monroe born Norma Jeane Mortenson on 1 June 1926 had a tough and sexual abused childhood, but still she stepped out of it and followed her dreams. She wanted to be an actress and she made it happen! I saw her clothes, her books, her personal belongings, followed her history from birth till her death, watched scenes of her from many movies and I read a few of her quotes. The ones I liked are: "I've never fooled anyone. I've let men sometimes fool themselves." and "I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it."

A few facts, which made me think she opened many doors for many people and also why she inspires me as a woman in a man's world:

She started her own company "Marilyn Monroe Productions"
She is the first celebrity who talked openly about her sexual abuse
She changed the way people looked at sex, in the fifties sex meant something dirty and shameful. She made it funny, fun and it wasn't vulgar at all.
She wore trousers with a zipper on the back, which was too sexual in the fifties
She advocated human rights. For instance, the Mocambo Club didn't let Ella Fitzgerald sing and Marilyn made it happen by making a deal with the night club owner. Every night she sat at the front table, when Ella performed. Also it doesn't matter what ethnicity her friends are, she would hangout with them in public.
She loved her fans, she said: "If I am a star, the people made me a star"
She is kind and generous also unmaterialistic. She owned loads of books and the only jewellery she had is the wedding ring from her second husband Joe DiMaggio and a pair of emerald earrings that she received from Frank Sinatra. She was active in charities, also she has gifted her clothes to people, who genuinely love the clothes she was wearing.

Many people know her from the white dress from the movie "Seven Year Itch" and also Marilyn singing Happy birthday to president John F. Kennedy.

Do you know the song from Madonna Material girl? The videoclip is inspired by the scene from the movie "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" (1953), where Marilyn sang "Diamonds are a girl's best friends"

Perhaps you heard the commercial from Chanel No. 5? The sensual, sexy way Marilyn replied to a reporter: “What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course”

Or do you know her from the various artworks from Andy Warhol featuring Marilyn Monroe?

I will especially remember Norma Jeane Mortenson as a strong, beautiful, intelligent and funny woman.

Shy guy or just a weird guy at the art gallery?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 12 Nov 2016 21:38:00 +0000

It has been awhile since I have encountered a strange phenomenon with a man. Not sure whether I should have said something, because apparently looking back and smiling didn't work. Usually people start to talk to me, when I do that.

During my vacation in Iceland people just talked to me, whether I was standing somewhere, walking somewhere or just shot some pictures. I did the same no matter whether the person was a man, woman, older or younger. I guess, it just comes with the vacation exploration instinct. Can you imagine me talking to men in just swimming shorts? Yeah, I know right? I wouldn't have done that here.

I visited an art gallery today, which displayed beautiful photo's from animals up close or close enough to make you watch in awe. They were breathtaking and it shows how gorgeous animals can be. The stories from the pictures are from the photographer David Yarrow. He shares what he saw and felt at the moment he shot the pictures. Their is a movie room, where they also showed videoclips of Yarrow explaining how he shot pictures. The scenes he created, the opportunities and risks he took to make the pictures were fun to hear and watch. Especially the part where he told us how his Nikon cameras usually get damaged by the curiosity of a wild animal or just an accident caused by a wild animal. Seeing a Nikon camera fly, because an elephant kicked it or seeing a box with a camera being carried away by a lioness, priceless!

It definitely explains why he called his book "Wild Encounters" and the exhibition "David Yarrow Getting Close". I loved every picture and would have bought the book and let him sign it last weekend when the exhibition opened, but I was on vacation in Iceland so that wasn't possible. Instead I bought three postcards, unfortunately none of the postcards displayed the wolf on the café counter. That scene was awesome even though the scene was set up. Can you see it? David Yarrow wearing a chicken meat necklace while the hungry wolf walks closer and closer towards him?

From this exhibition, I found the most beautiful picture the one of the baby gorilla (my preference goes for cute after all *smiles*). Look at the eyes of the gorilla, the leaf in his/her hand:

Back to the strange phenomenon with a man
During my visit at the art gallery I saw a man wearing a long jacket, he had a very light I guess a very short beard that almost looks like stubble, wore black framed glasses and had dark brown/black hair, neat light brown heel gentleman's shoes all which would fit with a suit. I have no idea what he was wearing under his jacket, but I can imagine... ~ Ok, that is not completely true because I saw that he was straightening his clothes and tucked in his shirt in his jeans which he was wearing under a brown sweater when I walked to another exhibition room (why am I so observant and why do I remember that?) ~ I guess he looked like a young Clark Kent. I think the young "Clark" was glancing at me a lot, but I wasn't sure because I was reading the stories and looking at the photographs. Even in the movie room I noticed that he glanced. He was talking to a woman when he walked into the building, but he started to distance himself more and more from the woman. Eventually he was alone most of the time, which means he was near me while I looked at photographs. I started to wonder, why would a guy do that? At the second-last room of the exhibition he had the opportunity to talk to me, but he didn't. We were finally alone and he could say something, but instead he quite quickly left the room to go to the last room. The woman, who he talked to earlier wasn't done with looking at the photographs so he walked to the table and looked through the book "Wild Encounters". When I bought the postcards I didn't see him anymore and the woman wasn't around either.

I thought he left, but when I got out of the building I saw "Clark" leaning against a traffic light pole. Opposite of him was a red traffic light and a zebra crossing, so I guess he was waiting to cross to take the tram. He looked at me, I smiled at him, he turned back around to look forward. I looked back down at my phone to see my Google maps results to find my way to the café to meet up with some friends. When I looked back up I saw that "Clark" has crossed the road! The traffic light was still red and he walked over the tram platform, than he glanced at the tram time schedule and walked back. I thought: "Wait! He will see that I am staring!"
So I looked back at my phone. I felt him walking faster and just like Superman he became a wind that just passed me. I looked up and saw him walk around the corner. I carefully walked after him and around the corner I saw him walking away in high speed going with his hand through his hair a few times. All I can think is, what was that energy and intense atmosphere? And what is he doing? So was this guy shy or just weird?

Men who gives you unnecessary stress!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 21 Jul 2016 20:11:00 +0000

I have stopped dating! A prediction I have made at the beginning of this year. It isn't as if I haven't tried to find a guy. It is just the unnecessary stress that came with it, that made certain men so unattractive. Where are the decisive men, who know what they want, are kind, respects people and have a way of living that makes them super attractive?

I have plenty of male friends and non of them give me unnecessary stress! They are intelligent, funny men and each of them have their own attractive trades. Some know what they want in their life others don't and thank goodness we don't feel any sexual attraction for one another. At least, I don't think I have that feeling anymore with my ex M. He did something that turned me off for life...

So I decided to stop showing interest to any guy and so give up. The universe killed it on the same day, when I decided that and made me doubt on my decision!

Two days ago

I headed home from work and arrived at the station where I waited for my metro to head home. I saw a tall man standing on the platform in semi-formal pants, semi-formal shirt, business shoes, carrying a backpack and looking straight ahead. I walked passed him from behind and accidentally checked out his quite beautiful formed bottom. My brain was fighting with my feelings straight away! I was thinking: "Why? Why? What? What? You don't even know who he is!"

The metro arrived and it was practically empty, so I sat down near a door. He sat down on the empty row in front of me in the middle of the row. I looked at him and thought: "Hmm... Odd..."
He was sitting there as if he owned the space, legs spread and he has white earphones in his ears. He looked confident, but it also looked like that he was forcing himself to be cool? Trying to hard?

I guess he noticed I wasn't impressed, so he sat a bit more normal and relaxed. I was reading something from my phone and I saw his feet move slowly pointing to me. It made me look up. He started to smile broadly. I thought I would find it creepy, but I found it odder.

Eventually I ignored him, because my brain was decisive on my decision. He got off the metro and took out his phone out of his pants' pocket and he looked disappointed. Worst thing of all is, this guy looks completely my type apart from pretending to be cool. His looks had nothing to do with it, but the thing that made me doubt everything was his eyes. The way he was looking at me and they were green. It reminded me of a past dream I had. It started to ripple in my brain making me super confused.

Today

I have totally forgotten about him. I got on a crowded metro towards work and sat down. I took out my mobile phone and started reading. At a metro stop I felt that someone was staring at me, but I ignored it for a few stops. Until I looked at the ground diagonally on my left opposite of me at the door of the metro. I recognised the shoes, they were pointed at me. I looked up and I saw the same man. He was looking over my head staring outside, but he suddenly had a cute smile on his face. Not the strange broad smile like last time and trying to act cool.

I saw that he flinched. I finished reading what I was reading quickly and shut everything down on my phone, while I glanced at him from time to time. He looked away. He didn't smile, but looked uneasy or suddenly as if he has been caught. He didn't know what to do at all? I looked ahead as well and I felt the stare again. I looked to my right, away from him and turned my head back to the starting position looking in front of me.

I was curious what his reaction would be and what did he do? He looked into the direction I did. I have no idea, why he mimicked me. But we didn't make eye contact and the metro was crowded. So I gave up on it and decided to listen to my brain. I saw a disappointment from his face, he stopped smiling. He took his phone out of his pant's pocket for a few seconds so he checked the time or what he was listening to.

Then we arrived at the station, where we were going to get off. I put my phone away. I glanced at him once, I couldn't smile because my head was rippling again. I couldn't stop being confused, it is unfair to smile at him now and get off the metro with him through the same metro door. So I walked to the back of the metro and alighted there. I felt relieved, but I also felt an explosion of warmth which hit my face hard.

The temperature difference from inside the metro compared to the heat wave outside made my thoughts go insane. I was sure my chronic headache was going to consume me. So I tried to relieve the ripple. My brain went completely nuts! And so I didn't resolve the thoughts. I just speed walked to work while I left each piece of thought on each tile of the pedestrian road. "What the f***ing hell was that?", "Why couldn't I smile back?", "What does the guy want from me?", "Why did he stare?", "And this time in the crowded metro he can smile cutely apart from the other day almost creepily?!", "Arrghh... I hate the universe today!"

I think I had more thoughts. I only remember these, which is good. Because in the end I was kind of lucky today. I didn't have a chronic headache.

Impatience

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 25 Jun 2016 11:12:00 +0000

I have discovered the feeling of impatience about four weeks ago. I am a very patient person, I might rush into things and want everything to be done in a certain way but I usually just do it myself or wait forever for someone else to do what they need to do in their own pace.

I am waiting for a certain someone to surprise me more, to show that he cares and shows empathie. But sharing something about himself is something he isn't good at and showing empathie? That is just something impossible? I was patient about it for two months, but I discovered a new feeling four weeks ago... Impatience!

Patience versus impatience! A fight that luckily only happens when I think of a certain learning curve in caring for a certain person. Other than that I am patient. I am taking steps towards my future.

But I feel tired most of the time. Almost had a burnout last week, luckily I caught it in time and stopped the whole process by forcing myself to go out last weekend. I needed positive stress, more time to relax and to sleep! Lack of sleep is something that happens so easily when you stress. You get a certain adrenaline rush, which keeps you awake and focused. Oh and another one flawed thing about it is not feeling hungry! So lack of sleep and lack of food means "zombie vlieny" and an irritation times ten. Which means the bar for tolerance became low.

Oh well, need to accept this feeling of being impatient and stress less during my personal life. Than I will be back to my old happy self.

I saw this quote this week and thought: "This is suitable".
"You don't have to cheat to lose your girl or your wife. You can lose her from a lack communication, attention and disrespect. It's not all about what you do, sometimes it's about what you don't do."

Missing

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 04 May 2016 22:27:00 +0000

These four months have brought me feelings that I never thought I would feel, especially not with the definition missing. I grew up knowing I missed something, because life can't be this, can it? But I accepted that feeling and embraced it. This year however I just want to push the way of missing away!

Missing, which I embrace
I have met many people and said goodbye to many. All of them, I wish them well and/or a peaceful afterlife. The ones I said goodbye to and miss, I remember. The sad, happy, complicated memories we created together. A few of them I meet again once a year or chat with them once a month. The missing is beautiful and I embrace this feeling of missing.

Missing, which I don't want to embrace
I never thought I would miss someone, who I love and never ever want to have back. My rational brain and my beating feelings of a heart doesn't want to ever feel that conflicted ever again. My heart was very kind and forgiving, but my brain was angry, frustrated most of the time. They fought so much that it made me cry. I am glad he let me go and that I let my brain help my heart let go of that possible happy future. I guess my heart had so much hope and tried to convince my brain that what I am seeing wasn't true. He wasn't ready. I do hope we will still be honest to one another and be friends.

Missing, which I am trying to embrace
Not seeing someone, who you want to see every day and wish to see at least once a week is a feeling of missing that I can't seem to deal with at the moment. I feel like a child, who is impatient. Not being patient is something out of my comfortzone. My brain and heart love their alone times, so when I have to wait they are content all by themselves. I guess he has to be one of those amazing men!

I have met many of them these couple of years, but I have never felt this kind of magic before. We had a disagreement, he apologized and I forgave him. And he is still around! This event happened before we even have a relationship. Without asking for anything specific he also knows what to say or actually how to surprise me with words. The timing is impeccable too. The way he walked next to me and holds my hand, and want to hold my hand again after we had to let go for awhile.

I know him for 11 weeks now and we like each other super much. When we were both single we planned out months well, filled with family obligations, vacations, adventures and meeting friends. This has resulted in not seeing each other for almost 5 weeks. I miss him! I don't like this kind of missing, but I will try to embrace it for now.

Missing, I do love this feeling...
It makes me realize what I like and love. Thank you everyone, who has or is still in my life who let me feel the feeling of missing.

♫ And I know
The scariest part is letting go
'Cause love is a ghost you can’t control
I promise you the truth can’t hurt us now
So let the words slip out of your mouth ♫
~ Christina Perri - The words ~

Nervous and Magical?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 09 Apr 2016 08:11:00 +0000

Men... You are strange creatures! Nervous? Charmed by something magical?

Nervous

I have recently discovered that I can get nervous or am just too much tuned in empathy that it affects me as a person, emotionally. I am not sure what happened, usually I don't get nervous while I talk to someone new but this person made me nervous! I was excited and looked forward to meeting him. So we met, we had a great time together! Still... Why was I nervous? Perhaps it is the thought of dating that makes me wonder: "What am I doing?! Are you freaking insane?! Doing this again! Argh... I so hate dating!"

Meeting a person is a whole other story, than a "date". There is no expectation of anything, you just have a conversation and it just flows. A start of a great friendship or just nice to have made your acquaintance. Except this guy, I didn't expect anything for the first date. I was just open-minded of who I might meet in person. Luckily, he was exactly the person who I was talking to, cute, lovely, nice, fun. Not a gentleman, but a man of few words. He was refreshing, still interesting but why do I still feel uneasy about it? And above all the uneasiness was already there before I met him. I was glad to discover that he was nervous too and that he had to recover from the evening as well. Am I nervous because he is on the same wavelength with me or am I just feeling something else? And what is the uneasiness?

Magical

No, I am not talking about illusions and magic tricks. I am talking about the gentleman charms and the way of talking which makes a woman say things casually without feeling that they are saying something weird or inappropriate. I get annoyed, when someone can talk in such a manner which makes me say things that I don't want to. Certain actors are good at doing that, which makes the other actors flow with them instead of influencing the story with their own acting talent. It is as if the great actor says something that triggers your natural instinct to say things which sound natural at the time and place. Except you were triggered to respond that way as if it is natural but it wasn't.

It is something to be a charming man and a gentleman, but it is something else to stir a conversation in a way that will give you a great outcome. A form of manipulation which might have been done unintentionally or purposely which will make certain people annoyed. But so far I have survived a certain gentleman's charm. And somehow fighting against the charms is quite challenging. So I am secretly liking the change and I know it is harmless so no one will get hurt.

I have no idea what will happen, when one day he finds out that he can charm any lady he wants. Will he become an evil genius or will he use it wisely and find the lady for him alone? I can't wait to see that happen and hopefully he is the latter. Would be a shame, if he becomes a complete asshole.

Things... Books... Heart?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 14 Mar 2016 20:43:00 +0000

♫ Things... Hm hm hmm... Things... Things ♫

♫ (Thinkin' of things) Like a walk in the park. (Things) Like a kiss in the dark. (Things) Like a sailboat ride. (Yeah-yeah) What about the night we cried? Things like a lover's vow. Things that we don't do now. Thinkin' 'bout the things we used to do ♫ [Dean Martin - Things]

I have a very old song in my mind and somehow it covers my morning a bit. Nothing blue to be sad about, nothing old to throw away, just something new...

I have been exploring near home a bit and finding new places to eat various foods is one of them! I am still looking for the finest farmer's market around here, but so far I have only found a farm and a mill. Perhaps I should go and fish with some fishers one day or just continue visiting more farms. I want to discover more fresh produce around here!

I have RPG-ed (Role Played Game-ed) this year and will continue doing so, because the players I play with are fun, interesting and challenging. They are almost a collection of neglected old books, where you blow the dust away from and voilà you find a gem. A hardcover, which opens completely and the pages keeps turning on its own. A book which is filled per page with one pun or a bad joke. There is also a book which you should be gentle with or the binding will be pulled and you can never open the book again. But those kinds of books are the most interesting to read! I am glad I don't need gloves to turn the pages, but the story... It flows thoughtfully, calm suspense and each sentence captivating!

Perhaps, I have opened the shutters to my windowed heart again. Or I have never closed them after they have been skilfully unlocked by my previous treasured book. I wonder, lost boy, are you still being a hero or are you having loads of new adventures too?

♫ ..."Run, run, lost boy," they say to me,
"Away from all of reality."

Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free ♫ [Ruth B - Lost Boy]

What will tomorrow bring? *smile*

Mobile phone bubble

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 17 Feb 2016 21:08:00 +0000

Bubble... Remember the movie about a boy living in a bubble till he was an adult? He lived in a bubble because his mum didn't want him to die from his environment.

These days I wonder whether the mobile phone is the bubble. Yesterday, I walked into a metro heading home and saw only people focussing on their mobile phone. What would happen, when they loose the phone or all the batteries were drained. Would their be panic, chaos?

I am glad not all my metro rides were that quiet and filled with people using their mobile phone. This morning, it was a social gathering instead of a robot town. People were chatting face-to-face and laughing. They were expressing their thoughts, emotions, being how we were before we had a portable phone and some sort of screen.

But... With mobile phones you can connect with each other faster and you don't have to worry about your handwriting and how you look like. Your words will be still yours, but you share something differently. There is also the uncertainty of how the one will react from the messages you send them. Did they understand the meaning behind your words? How do they feel? Do they understand you?

Not many people can write beautifully or even write how one talk. It is an art, an art that one can master or not even close. Being lazy with words makes us text faster, but when words are written as a whole you sound mature and the sentences... All the tales that one can tell, when the writing is comprehended by many. A story that can be read with delight or perhaps horror... I am still learning!

I wonder whether I will meet more people this year, who will chat, talk face-to-face and be human, be alive, humble, filled with knowledge to share, another hero... Perhaps someone will be a romantic, a challenger, someone to hold and care for, maybe someone I already met who grew up or someone new? Or blue and borrowed *haha*. This year will bring more chances and will be filled with new adventures!

An afternoon of Japan things

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 05 Feb 2016 17:30:00 +0000

Something new to experience once again... These couple of months, I have been to events which I wouldn't have found without the internet. Actually most of the events I attend to are either referred to by my friends and/or I was invited by someone. Strange, isn't it? A town where you live in has many events and not everyone of them, that peeks your interest, will find its way onto your lifeline. You have to either know the right people, have the right connections or be a social media follower to discover the hidden ones. Of course, there are still a few that are hidden to most of us because it is invite only but isn't it nice that the time has changed? You do not have to wait till you receive a letter from someone, you do not have to sign up for any mailingslist. Meeeh, mailinglists most of it would have been added to my pile of spam. Anywho...

I planned to go to the Mono Japan exposition in a hotel in the afternoon after work... So I did after I started with a "kind of" Japanese meal for lunch. I had Yaki udon at Wagamama. Haven't been there for years but I still remember this dish. And I had to silence my inner voice that craved for some kind of noodle. The julienned orange ginger and sprinkles of black and white sesam seeds were a happy delight on top of the daunting, huge pile of udon with various greens, chicken, fish and spring onions. There was also a surprise in the middle of the pile of Japanese noodles, I found a shrimp! It was very unexpected, because the menu didn't mention shrimp. The dish however is very heavy, so I have definitely eaten part of my dinner as well.

Mono Japan was hosted in a hotel not very far from the city center of Amsterdam. The facade of the hotel itself looked like three, four, perhaps five 'Herengrachten' houses next to one another. When I walked in, I had the feeling of walking into a huge school. In front of me was a table with a lady sitting behind it. She gave me a sticker, which is the entrance pass, and gave me a booklet with lectures, workshops and a list of room numbers where there are expositions. I pushed another door open en entered a hallway. The school feeling lingered around the hallways, but the restaurant in front of me gave me a 60-ties feeling. The bar and the style of tables, carpet and chairs.

I visited every hotelroom number that was mentioned in the book. The rooms were spread out over floor 0, 1, 2, 4, 5 and 6. Each room was an exposé from another brand or supplier. They are all from other regions from Japan, which made the rooms have their own unique style. You can still see that the rooms are hotel rooms, due to the bathroom, sink, lamps and shape of the room. But the room was mainly filled with Japanese things (aka mono).

There were beautiful objects:

- Speakers with wood as exterior ~ some can be hung like a lamp from the ceiling, others can stand on four wooden legs, some look like a tower with heighted roof on its head to release the sound and some were a cube.

- Colourful incense ~ the smell of coffee, green tea, various flowers and even scents with names of people who have created the incense themselves. I bought two sample packs of two different series, "The Japanese Fragrance Series by Awaji Island Koh-shi" and "The fragrances of Japan Collection The Sakuyakonohana Incenses".

- Pots for plants ~ I loved these! The pot looks like a lantern from the time of Charles Dickens, glass and iron borders with a bottom that has four square windowed holes. You put the plant in the lantern part and the roots go down through the four square windowed holes to the bottom part of the lantern which is filled with water. There was also a round version of it, completely made of glass. They looked super cute.

- Sharp things ~ various Japanese styled knives, scissors for gardening and cooking, blades for cooking. They looked very handy, but I don't think I need it in my kitchen.

- Cooking pots/serving utilities ~ Lovely clay pots that can be used in the oven as well as on a stove, beautiful bowls, wooden boxes, porcelain boxes, wooden trays. There were a few pots, I would love to have or perhaps also a few plates.

- Molds for Japanese sweets ~ Have you ever eaten a mochi, that is made of fluffy, sticky dough with a sweet filling in it made of a certain bean paste? It is delicious! You should definitely try it at least once in your live. This room didn't only sell these kinds of sweets but also presented the molds. The shapes were a fish, various flowers in different sizes. And there was a man sitting behind the piano playing classical music totally not related to the things from Japan, but he was being instructed by a Japanese guy; what to play first and to play next.

- Art pieces ~ Posters, sculptures, bags, vases, pots. All not in my style, but someone will love them?

- Clothes ~ toga kind of shirts, scarves, pants, dresses. These were very expensive, I was thinking how can anyone afford these kinds of clothes? They were above hundred euro's, the quality might be good but the cloths were super thin. So you have to layer hundreds of euro's to be warm in the Netherlands...

Overall the exposition was artsy and was mainly targeting big companies to buy and sell their goods in the Netherlands. The lectures and workshops might have been interesting, but I didn't want to wait till one starts to attend one so I skipped it.

It has been awhile, but I feel innovated and energetic again. I love filling my live with these kinds of wonderful/beautiful distractions. Something that inspires me.

Dying inspirations in January 2016

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 30 Jan 2016 23:30:00 +0000

Many inspirations died in January 2016. They inspire me with their arts and their life. I will mention a few here: David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Yasutaro Koide, Marvin Minsky, last but not least M.

David Bowie
Died on 10 January 2016 due to liver cancer, just after his 69th birthday on 8 January. He was an English singer, songwriter, multi-instrumentalist, record producer, painter, and actor.

David Bowie's music and the way he dressed inspires me. I don't think I have ever heard an artist change his music style as much as he has. He showed me that you can grow with time and change a bit too. There are too many songs I love from David Bowie to be able to mention them all, so here are a few:

Heroes (1977)
Rebel rebel (1974)
Let's dance (1983)
Life on Mars (1971)
And many more.

Alan Rickman
Died on 14 January 2016 and died of pancreatic cancer at the age of 69. He was an English actor and director.

Alan Rickman inspires me with his way of portraying characters and showing various sides of how humans can be. He was an actor who was funny, serious, a villain, a wizard, a military man, a romantic, evil... He was very entertaining. The ones I remember at the moment are:

Movies

Sheriff of Nottingham (Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, 1991)
Colonel Brandon (Ang Lee's Sense and Sensibility, 1995)
Hans Gruber (Die Hard, 1988)
Severus Snape (Harry Potter film series, 2001-2011)
Harry (Love Actually, 2003)
Angel Metatron, the voice of God (Dogma, 1999)
Judge Turpin (Tim Burton film Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, 2007)
And many more

Music Videoclips

where he dances the tango (In Demand, 2000)
where he sings/talks (Start A Family, 2015)

Yasutaro Koide
He was a Japanese supercentenarian and was the oldest man on Earth (officially recognized by Guiness World Records). He died at the age of 112 on 19 January 2016.

I don't think I will ever reach that age, but he saw so much during his lifetime. More than 100 years of change for mankind. The good, the great and the bad! Very inspiring for someone like me, who loves to learn about various things.

Marvin Minsky
He was an 88 year old American cognitive scientist in the field of artificial intelligence (AI), co-founder of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's AI laboratory, and author of several texts on AI and philosophy. He died on 24 January 2016.

For me he was the man, who created a box that when it is switched on it can switch itself off (The Useless Machine, 1952). It sounds useless, but somehow it also makes you think of what a machine can do for you. What the possibilities can be for artificial intelligence. Time and time again we keep on developing ourselves on that field. It might have started as an abacus, many many many years later with Turing who created the basis of the first gigantic computer to decipher Enigma. But one day we might do much more than we could ever imagine, especially when we can decipher our brain.

M
Our ~4 months relationship ended on 19 January 2016. My "James Bond" ex-boyfriend M. He is a hero, a gentleman, a very attractive intelligent man who lives a dangerous life. Due to M's "dangerous" lifestyle it wasn't possible to think about having a family in the near future. Even though, James Bond tried to do so in the movie On Her Majesties secret service (1969) with Tracy. Separation was inevitable... OK, that sounded cheesy... I am keeping the line in this blogpost anyway *smile*. It showed that it can start and end horribly for Tracy, but M isn't James Bond and I can't see the future. One day I might stop thinking "what-if" for instance meeting back in the middle just like in the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2009) or something like the ending of the tv series How I met your mother (Last Forever, 2014). Except we don't live in a movie so it would be a miracle if/when that happens.

M inspires me because he doesn't want to stop learning, his courage for travelling alone around the world with just a small backpack, the dangers he faces every day while he teaches or heals people and the way he sees the world. May I hear more of his inspiring (future) adventures, when we both have healed.

Added another inspiration, see comment.

Dealing with sadness...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 25 Jan 2016 12:21:00 +0000

Sadness is a beautiful thing. It makes you realize that you are human and have feelings. Feelings that you can't deal with, something painful that can't be seen physically.

We usually express the feeling of sadness in tears or screaming even anger at some point... Something unexplainable. It bursts out in a physical pain called tears or even goes as far as blocking your complete breathing system from your nose till your lungs. You can hardly swallow and you loose your appetite and your energy. It is super intense, but by being sad it will be accepted or hushed. But it won't be buried completely...

The Disney & Pixar movie Inside Out (2015) explained it perfectly. You can't always be happy. Being sad is a good thing, apart from being angry, have fear and feel disgusted. It helps you deal with certain memories and emotions, where you can't get out from.

I hate the unstoppable crying. The symptoms of not being able to breath without having tissues to safe you from drowning... The puffy eyes the next morning... Worst of all is, is the three days scaly nose and three days of headache! Usually I have that during a terrible cold or when I have a fever like most of us. My brain and my emotions stopped working properly. I had to sleep almost an entire day?! Yes, that was the entire purpose of vacation being able to sleep. A controlled sleep, three days of just an entire days sleep, so actually 8 hours per day...? I woke up every three or two hours, so how well is that going? I was and might still be mentally worn out.

But I guess... I am still recovering or dealing with all the sadness in my life... I will be fine as long as my chronic headache won't disturb me.

Grow together... Grow on our own...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 10:00:00 +0000

I wish we would grow together, enjoyed the time with one another always. It isn't really the end? We are just going to grow on our own?

I wanted to grow up with you, have so much fun and practice or start a quest of being a wife, a lover. Get to know one another better. Know one so well that you don't have to say a word. Non-verbal communication... You were so easy to tease... But so difficult to understand. So inteligent, that we grew apart.

Fear... There was so much fear that we stopped working. We are alone, but we are not. We are somehow still together in love, but apart. I still see, hear, smell you everywhere... Idiot M!

I hope you will do what your heart desires, travel, give presentations, spread your knowledge, don't become a grumpy old man, be caring, be lovely, be the one I love, keep on learning and grow!

When you... I have grown up, hopefully soon. Be... Be mine again? Or will we grow apart further or won't we meet again?

The meaning of names and a fictional story

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 18 Jan 2016 21:38:00 +0000

I have just recently decided to look up the meaning of my boyfriend's name and compare it with mine. It was a totally random action, but usually when I write a story I look for names with a certain meaning that fit the character. I guess due to my random action, the opposite happened. With the meanings of the name I created a story. I have highlighted the meaning of our names in italic.

The random story
Once there was a poor boy, who loves to travel. He visited various cities with just his bag pack. He could defend himself with krav maga and always helped others without them knowing it. This was the way he made sure that he never got into trouble. When people did find out that he was the hero, he would be humble about it. The rewards and gifts he accepted were never more than what he could eat at the moment.

The boy grew up to be a good man, a gentleman, who was rich with knowledge. He never had to depend on others and never thought twice of being careful for the sake of someone else. His mother found that he was a gift from God. He took care of her, even when he had nothing and he kept doing so even after he became someone respectable with a profession. Still she wishes for him to be happy for him to see that there is more than just knowledge in the world to fill his heart with joy.

The man has grown and has decided to live a few years in a city with a huge library, where he could feast on knowledge till his hearts content. The first day he entered the library, he bumped against a lady who was holding a stack of books. He couldn't see her face, but he heard her voice: "Oops!"
He replied with: "Are you all right?"
She smiled: "I am fine, thanks for keeping the books straight for me."

The second day he saw a lady on a horse racing up a hill with a couple of friends galloping after her. He didn't notice them at first, because he was reading a book while he sat against a tree. But her voice made him look up. She was laughing and said sarcastically to a male friend behind her: "You are definitely a man who is like God?"
One of her female friends teased the guy: "You don't have to be a God to get my attention. You surely can outpace me, right?"

The third day he saw her walking alone through the village reading a book. He walked next to her and said: "Do you like the story so far?"
She didn't look up from her book and said: "It depends, do you like horror, detective or thrillers?"
The man smiled: "Those are interesting genres to read, but aren't you reading a romance now?"
She blushed and put a bookmark between the page where she left off and closed the book.
The man: "That was one of the books you carried out of the library."
She looked up and said with uncertainty: "Were you the man, who levelled my books for me?"
He smiled: "Yes, I was."
She smiled: "Thank you, kind sir."
They stared at each other both mesmerized by each others smile.

The staring was disturbed by a scream from a woman. She ran up to the woman and saw that a little boy was hanging with one hand on the edge of the roof. Than she saw the man jump up onto the roof and pick up the boy. The woman was saying: "Thank God! Thank you, sir!"
The woman hugged her boy, after the man carried the boy down.
The man smiled: "I am glad that I could help."
She stared at the man and thought: "He just jumped and climbed up?"
She smiled and walked away, while the man was still talking to the woman and the boy.
When he was done chatting, he looked around and saw her walk away.

In the past, the poor boy was super cute so every woman or lady would talk to him and be kind to him. When he grew up, that never changed, woman loved to approach him just to talk to him. But never has he ever approached a girl on his own or let stand a lady when he became a gentleman. Except today, he did it twice with the same girl/lady.

He ran after her and said: "Wait! Are you hungry?"
She looked up and saw something fly over his head possibly a little bird? She shook her head, but before she could look again to see whether it was a bird he said: "I am hungry, lets go and eat there?"
He showed her his hand and waited.
She gathered her thoughts, wondering what just happened than she realized he asked her whether she was hungry. She was stunned and surprised, but instead of replying: "Yes, I am hungry."
She replied: "No, I am fine thank you."
She smiled kindly and continued her walk, while her stomach growled.

He heard the growl and smiled: "If you don't want to eat there... We could eat sandwiches in the park? I'll buy some sandwiches, which ones do you like?"
They were standing at the bakery stand and the local baker said: "She loves sandwiches with salmon, lettuce, pickles, cheese..."
The man made a face of disgust like a little boy: "Fish bleeeh..."
She stared at the cute face from the man and started to laugh.
The baker stared at her surprised and said: "You made her laugh, there must be something interesting about you. So you don't want fish on your sandwich, let me guess beef?"
The man: "Yes, please. A salmon sandwich for the lady and a beef sandwich for me."
She looked up: "Wait... You don't have to buy that. I can..."

She sighed, while she took the sandwich from the man's hand.
They walked to the park and sat down to eat.
He stared at her, while she took small bites from her sandwich. He was smiling the entire time.
She swallowed and noticed the smile: "Hmmm?"
He shook his head: "Nothing, you are just cute when you eat."
She turned around with her back facing him and finished the sandwich.
He laughed, when she turned around he stopped.
She smiled: "You are an interesting man."
He smiled: "You are an interesting woman."

Days passed and they kept meeting each other during a part of their daily lives, but both of them had their own lives to keep and own paths to follow. She was ready to leave the village, because she finished her research. She wasn't suppose to be in the village for longer than a year, but she was. He wouldn't have stayed so long, just for books. He would have been bored and moved on to another village. They stayed a few months longer to see each other,

The man: "Where are you going?"
She was wearing a coat and a huge bag pack on her back. She stared at him and smiled: "Going home."
The man: "Home?"
She nodded: "Yes, home."
The man: "Can you wait for half an hour?"
She shook her head: "No, I can't."
The man ran away and she shrugged her shoulders. She walked out of the village and headed to the trainstation, there she waited for the next train.
Half an hour later, a huffing and puffing man arrived at the trainstation. He was wearing a coat and a small bag pack.

She stared at him: "Where are you going?"
He smiled: "Home."
The train arrived. She stood up: "Home?"
The man said to an old man at the ticket window: "The same trainticket she has."
The man paid for the trainticket.
They got on the train and she shook her head: "You should follow your own path."
He smiled: "I am, at the moment I want to travel with you. You are my life now. You are my home."
She smiled: "Idiot!"

Time will tell, how ones goal(s) will be accomplished?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 04 Jan 2016 18:28:00 +0000

When I was young someone told me go to school, get a job, marry a guy and have children, than die as an old woman. I missed something in this entire dialogue, but I couldn't place it.

I went to school, high school, university, had part time jobs during these chapters of my life. I felt sad, angry, happy, any emotion imaginable or unimaginable before those events. I grew from every event, may it be becoming a darker person in mind or just lighter/brighter. The thing I enjoyed during this proces was learning. I still love to learn, so I guess I will be a student of life forever.

The steps that one tell you when you are young are guidelines, but I have never followed them. Not that I have never tried, but things never went as planned. It took me three years or more to find M and now that I have him, everything... Just everything doesn't feel as planned.

My plans or should I say goals are reachable, but the plan to claiming and accomplishing the goal is never as planned. So I guess I should have known that my relationship with M wouldn't go as planned either, right? I guess "Love isn't enough", when there is an impasse with ones plans? At the moment, being pessimistic as I am. I don't think this will end well *smile*.

What it means to miss you?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 27 Nov 2015 12:31:00 +0000

My heart cries a little, when you are not near. Breathing is different too and I catch myself talking with another intonation. Why does missing you make me notice silly things about myself?

It is Sinterklaas season, which means that certain candies surface in various shops, 'pepernoten', 'kruidnoten', 'taai taai poppen', marzepan. And one of these candies reminds me of you. Marzepan... A candy that I dislike, because I find it too sweet.

Yesterday, I ate a very thin piece of marzepan just because it reminds me of you. Your cute smile when you buy it at the supermarket and the way you glow while telling me that you like it alot or the way you tell me it is delicious. Those memories went through my mind, while I thought: "This is tooooo sweeettt."

The winter is coming and so also the cold, when I feel chills I imagine you hugging me with your warmth. Except I feel cold again, when I think of holding your bare wintery weather hands. Even though, I feel so loved and appreciated when you are near me your cold hands make me worry a little bit.

Feelings are just feelings, but combined with memories it can be quite intense. Reliving something and hoping it isn't something you burried away for a very good reason. Forgetting is what you wish for, but missing someone. Missing someone is something else to cope with.

The distance with you, makes me feel lonely sometimes. In the past, I just found something to do with my time. I didn't feel the need to share my happiness with one person particular. It was just sharing my days, when I felt like it.

But I feel a certain longing as if we have a long invisible line that connects us and when you are not in my view or not in touching distance I feel an uncomfortable magnetic pull. A ridiculous senseless invisible gravitational energy.

The longing for cuddling, running up to you, kissing you, can't be accomplished so I try to hush it. It is nearly impossible due to the distance. The distance is further than a vicinity or a certain radius around you.

You give me... Bubbly, fluffy, warm, soft feelings. I feel needles instead of butterflies sometimes and I feel loved. You're so close to my heart, but my mind can't be fooled. You are not here. I miss you!

Fall... We will fall some day?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 03 Nov 2015 13:08:00 +0000

It is autumn and leaves from trees are slowly changing colour. From green to yellow, orange, red and brown. The colours are beautiful, but these leaves fall eventually so that the tree can rest and retain more resources to be able to survive the coming winter.

Everything is still green to me even though it has been about two months now. I still feel overwhelmed with emotions which my fragile heart is keeping inside and my brain is trying to cope with. Nothing can be seen as rational, when I open the doors.

When the doors are open I see beautiful colours everywhere. Every remark, behaviour around me can only be interpretated as joy, happy... Usually it is "I don't know how you feel, but I wish you happiness" so I greet everyone with a smile when I feel like being friendly.

But what if colours turn yellow, orange, red and it has nothing to do with happiness and it reaches to the crumbling brown. Have my emotions put a tombstone to the relationship or is there just a lake which I need to build a bridge on to be able to cross it?

My heart was crying last week. I guess when doors are opened other feelings and memories start to surface as well. The obstacle of being an obstacle has been messing me up again. I was sure I was making progress.

Am I ready and strong enough to continue building that bridge or do I just have to push myself and swim through it?

*Gathers all my courage*

Bye bye crumbling brown leaves! Hi... Hi... Hi you *smile*

Dangerous... Dangerous to love...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 05 Oct 2015 07:41:00 +0000

Certain things sound exiting and new, but some things are quite painful to hear. So much so that one might think it is the end of it all.

Dangerous to love... A possible chance of getting painfully hurt. I know exactly what he means, but he is to me the one person I want to grow old with. I would mourn if he is taken away from me. I will think that "The man" doesn't exist after all.

In the future, I want to see others grow old... Anyway... The words "Dangerous to love" made me wonder, whether it can be interpretated in a lovely way. I have googled a bit and so far there are loads of songs, booktitles and unfortunately non of it means well or ends well.

I guess my reaction of being angry and worried was appropriate. I am glad I woke him up a bit, because saying: "Our relationship is good" is the worst thing I can ever say! It sounds like misusing the word "great". "Great! Great, great, great. Everything is going great!" Completely filled with sarcasme of course.

Somehow I ended up with these quotes in my mind.
Samantha: "If two people love each other but, they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?"
Jerry: "Never"
Quotes from the movie The Mexican.