Voice of ONE

Life Is a Death Sentence

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 12:09:00 GMT

From the time we're born we begin to die. We put bad things in our bodies. We smoke, drink, eat junk food and internally think if no one knows you snuck a candy bar for breakfast it's okay.

Ring Around the Primary Care Doctor

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 08:06:00 GMT

I got a fabulous letter in the mail a few weeks back:

Your medical provider has some important news for you. Your primary care and HIV doctor is leaving our practice and is no longer your doctor. As of 01/09/2013 he is no longer your doctor. We understand your relationship with your doctor is important to you. We want to help make this change as easy as possible.

He Said, She Said

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Tue, 18 Dec 2012 12:54:00 GMT

"I got it from her, she got it from a gay ex-boyfriend," he told his then wife.

Not that I had talked to him since BEFORE I even knew I had it. I had no contact with him after 2007.

I Am Proud

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Fri, 30 Nov 2012 16:29:00 GMT

I am proud that I am not embarrassed by this diagnosis. I am proud that it has made me stronger and I didn't turn myself into a victim. I am proud that I have befriended the woman who acquired HIV from the same man as me.

Boobies (and Cancer vs. AIDS)

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Wed, 31 Oct 2012 08:10:00 GMT

Everyone loves boobies. Other than me -- I want a reduction, but that's another topic for another day. One of Seattle's breast cancer walks this year was on September 22nd. That was the SAME Day that Life Long AIDS Alliance had their annual AIDS Walk. The breast cancer walk was advertised everywhere, from radio to TV, and even flyers hanging around town.

Life, Death and Photographs

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Thu, 13 Sep 2012 06:09:00 GMT

I finally had a dream I was dying of AIDS. I was living in a concentration camp-like place, just watching other people get sick, patiently waiting my turn. There were winding stairwells and the place kind of resembled a fire station training building, it was a huge square, a cold dark and ugly building. (Or maybe I was on an episode of Ghost Adventures?) Anyway, my husband Keanen was there for a visit, Myles was not. I got taken out to go shopping in San Diego, a place I remember well. I was in the Padre Store in Mission Valley. I was actually pissed off when I woke up and I was not in fact back home in San Diego.

Can You Remember

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Wed, 8 Aug 2012 10:20:00 GMT

As some of you know, for a lot of women on this website, pregnancy came with an HIV diagnosis and medication. When people ask how you're dealing with everything, you're sick and not sure if it's because you're pregnant or on new fancy HIV medication. Maybe by the time the baby comes, you can pronounce the pills you are on.

Terrible Twos Here We Come!

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Wed, 20 Jun 2012 10:32:00 GMT

In a month I will have a two year old. The terrible twos or the terrific twos, I guess we'll have to wait and see. I have been trying to research what's coming next with Mr. Myles. I'm gonna go out on a ledge here and say terrible isn't coming.

Grass Is Greener

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 18:35:00 GMT

The grass is greener on my side, finally.

I made a long-awaited return to California for a week's vacation with Myles. We saw my mom, my friends and some family members. It was nice to be there for a good reason. Last time I saw most of those people I was 6 months pregnant at my father's funeral. Here we were almost 2 years later and I was not sad to be in California. My mother has moved to a different city than where my father lived. I didn't have to go to his neighborhood, see the house I partly own and might never be inside again; we didn't drive past places I remember, or had ever been.

Where It Came From

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Thu, 2 Feb 2012 07:08:00 GMT

I know now where I got it, THIS. I no longer need a man-map trying to retrace my who's and where's of the years past. One email answered it all today. I sent an email to one of my ex-boyfriends' exes via Facebook a few weeks ago. I've known they were not together for a few months now. I noticed she was single again, and I sent her an email. We're not friends, but we KNOW each other. We have for years. I just dropped her a line saying I had no idea what happened with THEM, but I hoped she had a good new year and found a guy who treated her better than our ex. She wrote me back.

Occupy HIV

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 09:49:00 GMT

I am a political junkie. I am also a media addict. I majored in journalism and being a total liberal how could I NOT fall in love with the Occupy Wall Street movement? I am the 99 percent. We are just floating along in the water with debt up to our necks. History is written daily. Little things impact us that we see on the news that we did not expect. Things like Columbine and Katrina, 9/11, Virginia Tech. Well, Occupy found ME. These are MY people. This is MY cause. More than 50 percent of my income goes to rent. The last few weeks we have had rent and gas money and $100.00 for groceries for two weeks -- that's it.

One Day Together -- One Mouse Click Away

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 14:18:00 GMT

Silently we all sat in our secluded lives, afraid, embarrassed, guilty. Sneaking pills at meals so our friends and family don't notice. Before the time of the Internet and Facebook we would truly be alone in this. I'm not sure how those diagnosed in the '80s made it. Support groups were HUGE back then, I'm sure.

Homesick

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Thu, 8 Sep 2011 07:48:00 GMT

I want to go home. The California heat and my mommy are calling. I'm not homesick, I'm heart sick. After the loss of my father the only thing that seems to matter to me is family and pre-existing friends. I don't have the energy nor the desire to go out and meet new people or couples to hang out with. I don't know what to say to them. I feel like I live currently in a BAD Lifetime movie.

I don't make small talk these days. I have no idea where to begin. I'm heartbroken from the death of my father and can't seem to get around or over that. It seems to come up in my mind daily and small interactions with random people seem so meaningless.

Money: The Biggest Challenge to Sticking With Meds

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Thu, 1 Sep 2011 08:30:00 GMT

I cut my finger on a can and freaked out. I would not touch my son. We were home alone in the kitchen making lunch; he was crying and I was bleeding. Staring at my finger, as the blood slowly trickled down, it felt so weird to look the enemy in the face for the first time since being diagnosed.

Happy 1st Birthday Myles! A Crazy Year in Review

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 22:00:00 GMT

Toilet paper is scattered across the wood floor like newly fallen snow. In the corner Myles and Nash, our new 4-month-old puppy, play tug o war with the last remaining connected squares. Marley the cat watches curiously; apparently he never knew the joy of toilet paper. Keanen my stay-home-daddy husband is on the couch looking like a zombie.

Sometimes letting the mess occupy the little boys who now run our house is easier than stopping them. Myles and Nash share toys, from teething rings and stuffed animals to bacon-flavored doggie bones. They will munch on something and Myles will trade Nash and they will munch on something else.

Let There Be Blood

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 15:25:00 GMT

My last column sparked an e-mail to me from a doctor in my state who helped me get in on a weekend to get my labs done. She organized for me to actually get on board with a doctor I had been referred to months ago. I go in to see her June 16th.

I no longer have AIDS! Woohoo I have been downgraded to HIV positive. That only took a year and a half. Still symptomless other than night sweats; I'll take it.

I Don't Have Time to Be Sick

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Thu, 12 May 2011 15:35:00 GMT

Job that pays the bills (most of the time) -- check

Medication and 12-month refill for my prescriptions -- check

New medical insurance through work -- check

Positive support system via friends, family & fans -- check

Having free time to go see a new doctor and get my lab work done -- NO check. I simply don't have TIME to be sick.

I Am

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 10:49:00 GMT

I am sad. I have had a shitty year but I'm strong and will not let it overpower my life. When it comes down to it, sometimes life just SUCKS. From about two weeks after I got married my poor husband and I have been on this roller coaster of emotional heartbreak called LIFE.

We found out about a week after our wedding that my parents signed divorce papers while we were on our honeymoon. I had no idea they were even having problems. Two weeks later we found out I was pregnant.

A Killer Sex Drive?

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 09:48:00 GMT

We had sex; not a big deal. We're married. We're supposed to have sex. It wasn't the first time and it won't be the last time.

But he wasn't supposed to get sick the day after. He was throwing up and had a fever that came out of nowhere.

Was it because of me? Is he no longer HIV negative?

Paying It Forward

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 07:26:00 GMT

I got an email from BABES (my Seattle HIV Female Support Group) in October asking if I would speak on World AIDS Day. In the financial havoc which is our government for some reason they are looking to cut funding for everything, anywhere. One of the items on the chopping block is HIV testing for pregnant women; seems I am a poster child for this being a BAD thing. Without hesitation I grabbed the reins. Excited, nervous, and proud. Had I not been tested by my doctor when I was 3 months pregnant, my son would have HIV. I would not be on meds, and my viral load and CD4 count would be more scary than they still are.

Like Sand Through the Hourglass, Women's Health Falls

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 16:45:00 GMT

"Women haven't really gotten the message that they're at risk," said Shannon L. Hader, M.D., M.P.H., director of HAHSTA, the D.C. health department's HIV/AIDS administration, in an interview on CNN. "So we are very, very concerned with making sure that women in the District realize that HIV, in fact, is a woman's disease too."

I couldn't agree more. But whose fault is that? How many women in America go to their OBGYN or a Planned Parenthood office every year to get a Pap smear and a refill for 12 more months of some type of birth control? How many of these doctors recommend or even suggest HIV testing? None that I've been to, in multiple cities and states.

Oh My God, We Made a Person

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 20:55:00 GMT

I am totally in awe of my son. I never imagined the emotions that came with parenthood. I had no idea how in love with him I would instantly be.

I never babysat when I was younger; my youngest sibling is only 4 years younger than I am. To be honest I was horrified to be a parent. I had no idea what to do with a baby. I went to NO parent-to-be classes. I was too mentally enveloped in the recent tragic loss of my father, and still coming to terms with being HIV positive, on top of being recently evicted. A baby was hard to think about and even fathom.

We Do Have a Baby!

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 20:50:00 GMT

Myles Grady Robertson was born Jul 15, 2010 -- 7 pounds 4 ounces. I got thrush in the hospital and am STILL sick and trying to get used to my new sleep schedule. My mother was in town for a week from California and so I have been running around like a crazy person, still sick, schlepping the baby everywhere. So far his blood work is back and he's HIV negative!!!

Now I can't seem to keep down foods. I'm on a liquid diet and that sucks. But someday I'll feel better, right?

Parenthood: Expecting the Unexpected

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 14:44:00 GMT

People want to know what it's like to be pregnant and have HIV. I really don't know. Not to be a smartass, but I've never had one without the other. I'm not sure if my mood changes, tiredness and nausea are pregnancy related or HIV medication related.

When I learned I was positive in January 2010, my first OBGYN informed me that I could not have natural childbirth, and I could not breastfeed. She also informed me that I was her first-ever HIV-positive patient. That was pretty un-reassuring for my husband and I. She referred us to an HIV OBGYN, and gave us the option to stay with her and see the HIV doctor a few times for educational reasons, or to just move our visits over to the HIV doctor.

Stronger Than It

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 15:19:00 GMT

This disease doesn't need to take the lead role in your daily or weekly activity. It's not your fault you have it, and you are not being punished for being a bad person.

Most of us made one bad decision and BAM -- we got it. Acceptance is just another step in life for us. I have no idea who I got it from. My husband is negative. My ex-boyfriend before him, who I was with for 3 years, is also negative. I have had it more than 7 years and really don't care who I got it from.

Intro to Me

brookedavidoff@gmail.com (Brooke Davidoff) — Thu, 20 May 2010 09:08:00 GMT

I am a straight woman. I have never tried IV drugs. I've only slept with guys who were my friends, thinking that would save me somehow from the dirty outside world. Apparently I was wrong. It doesn't matter who you sleep with or what they look like. Every time you hook up with someone condom-less, it's like playing Russian roulette.

It was January 8, 2010, and I was 11 weeks pregnant with my first child when I got the phone call to come in and go over my lab results. Hundreds of options whirled inside my mind about WHAT I had to go back in for.