Patience is not something that I have a lot of (just ask my family).  I get frustrated easily when things don’t happen the way I want them to, or as quickly as I want them to.  I want what I want and I want it right now!  My biggest want right now is a DSLR camera.  I haven’t narrowed down the exact model yet, but I’m pretty sure I’ll go with a Canon when the time comes.  Photography is my latest obsession and while I still don’t really know what I’m doing, I get enough good shots that I want a better camera.  It’s a big purchase and one that is hard to justify when money is as tight as it is.  Plus, I still have so much to learn and am not sure I’m far enough into it to justify the cost either.  The whole thing just seems so far out of reach, but I know if I stretch far enough I’ll get there some day.  I just have to have patience – and a plan.

For now, my short-term plan is to save as much as I can.  If you see ads popping up on my web sites, this is why.  All advertising money I make is being saved up in my PayPal account for my new camera.  It is trickling in slowly, but it’s a start.  A couple months ago when I had my surgery (and was in need of a pick-me-up) I decided to spend everything that I had saved for some new lenses to extend the abilities of my current camera (a Canon Powershot S5 IS).  It satisfied the want for a while, but now I’m back to wanting the DSLR and starting all over with the saving. I’ve listed my guitar on craigslist again to see if I get any bites on it and am trying to come up with other things I can sell for a little money.

The other part of my plan is to learn as much as possible while I’m saving.  I could spend hours upon hours just looking at beautiful photos, but I need to get beyond the “wow” and start figuring out how the photographer pulled off that amazing shot.  I need to learn more about manual settings, finding the perfect lighting, and posing.  I also need to figure out how to get a 20 month old child to hold still for more than one second (any tips on that would be very welcome).

This weekend was one of those that had me sitting around wishing and longing for the day when I have the camera I want in my hands.  It was absolutely beautiful outside.  The sun was shining, it was warm, and I spent most of the day Saturday outside with the kids.  First was a birthday party for a day care friend, then we played outside until it started getting dark (which came entirely too early).  The kids had a blast and I really enjoyed experimenting and taking tons of photos.  When I cleaned off my camera card later, I had taken nearly 400 photos.  I also discovered that my hard drive I store my photos on is completely full.  Guess I’ll have to deal with that soon!

I spent much of the weekend dreaming, formulating, and contemplating. I want this to be a real thing. I don’t want to give up on it like so many of my other hobbies. I’m thinking of all the possibilities that this photography thing could open up. I keep going back to how much fun I have with a camera in my hands. I think I might finally know what I want to be when I grow up. And it’s scary. I still have a lot of growing to do.

And even if my hubby laughs at me while I experiment, at least I can still get him to pose for me now and then.  Now all I need is a little more patience.

Halloween 2007

Halloween 2009
Ryan wore Zach’s Buzz Lightyear costume from 2 years ago.  Zach, unfortunately, could not wear Ryan’s Woody costume! (We did steal the belt and sheriff star badge though.)  You would never guess that Zach is actually 6 months younger than Ryan.

And now I promise I’ll stop posting Halloween pictures.

Well, after this one…

Pretty sure that’s the cutest little princess I’ve ever seen in my life.

Halloween weekend was fun, but so busy that I still feel like I’m behind.  We spent Friday night with my Dad and his wife, then Saturday we headed up to my sister’s house and pretty much spent the rest of the weekend there.

The kids got to Trick or Treat with their cousins through my sister’s neighborhood.  We had an alien, Woody and Buzz Lightyear (from Toy Story), Mickey and Minnie, and my little princess.  I couldn’t even keep up with Zach (though I was lagging behind a bit waiting on tiny princess legs to catch up).  Evie finally figured out what was going on about 2/3 of the way through and started trying to push her way through the boys so she could get to the door and say “Tick ‘o’ Teet!”

At one point, Evie started asking for her Aunt Tanya.  When I pointed ahead of us and told her that Tanya was way up there, she looked up at me, said “Run, Run!” and started running to catch up.  Maybe you had to be there, but I think it was pretty much the cutest thing ever.  She kept yelling, “Running, Running!” until we caught up. (So maybe it was cuter if you could actually hear her and see her little face light up as she ran.)

I’m a little disappointed that I didn’t get some better pictures of the kids in their costumes, but it was rather crazy with all six kids running around.  I do seem to be missing a few that I thought were uploaded to flickr though, so I guess I’m going to have to check my camera again for the rest.

This week’s I ♥ Faces challenge is “Balloons” and I had to do some digging to come up with my photo since I didn’t have a chance to get any balloon shots this week. I think I may have missed the deadline, but I’m going to go ahead and post this anyway because it’s just so cute.

This picture was taken at Zach’s 2nd birthday party. The party was supposed to be outdoors, but we woke up to a wet, rainy day. Instead, we came up with a few games and blew up a ton of balloons for the kids to play with inside. They had a blast!

Be sure to check out some of the other fun balloon shots over at I ♥ Faces!

I debated where to post this entry because it really could work as a recipe post or even a crafty post, but really it is just about me and my boy having fun in the kitchen so I’m posting it here.

Back in early September I was walking around Dollar Tree and spotted a bag of Halloween cookie cutters.  I couldn’t pass them up for the grand price of $1.00 so I bought them and stashed them away.  Well, apparently Halloween is coming up in a couple of days (whether I’m ready or not) so I told Zach that we could go ahead and make some cookies using them tonight.

(And when I say *make* cookies, I mean roll out the Pillsbury pre-made cookie dough, cut out the shapes, bake, and then decorate with pre-made icing.  One of these days I’ll do it from scratch but I’m just not there yet.)

Zach and Evie both helped with the cookie cutters while I rolled out the dough and placed each cutout on the cookie sheet for baking.  Evie got bored after the first few and went off with Daddy while Zach and I finished up. I was a little disappointed because for some reason I can never get sugar cookies to bake without spreading and flattening out so some of the shapes didn’t come out too well. Zach didn’t seem to mind though.

I had planned on baking the cookies tonight and then decorating tomorrow because I knew it would make for a late night but Zach was having so much fun I gave in and we started decorating.  I think he got about four cookies done before he was too “tired” to do any more.  He munched on a couple of cookies, then headed off to bed and left me to finish the rest.

Some of them came out nice, some didn’t. But, the important part is that we had fun together, right?

Here are Zach’s masterpieces:

A group shot:

And my very favorite one* that I love so much I won’t be able to stand to eat it:

*The idea for the spiderweb design came from another blog (I believe she used it on cupcakes?) that I read this week but I can’t for the life of me remember which one. If anyone knows, please tell me!

Also, sorry about the crappy photos but I was too lazy to go get a real camera and took these with my iphone!

I knew it would happen one day, I just assumed it was still a ways off…a long ways off.  It happened without me even really noticing at first.  I had been working all day cleaning out my closet and dresser, doing laundry, and just general house cleaning type of stuff.  I finally decided I was done for the day and sat down in my comfy chair to relax for a bit.  There I was minding my own business when I realized there were no little people in the room, just me and Hubby.

It was so QUIET.

It was quiet in a way that seemed so wrong, yet so right at the same time. I heard some giggles coming from the back of the house, but that didn’t ruin my moment of pure bliss.  It was then that I realized my two kids were in the  bedroom playing together.  Evie, who is usually contained to the living room/playroom area by baby gates had escaped and gone back to watch TV with her brother.

They were playing and laughing and having the best time together. It’s not that they don’t play together, because they do all the time.  The difference was that there was no screaming or crying or fussing.  I didn’t have to jump up twenty times to see who was hurt or which one had stolen a toy from the other.  They were just having fun together.

I sat in the living room with Hubby just enjoying the sounds of my kids being not only brother and sister, but friends.  The fact that they were entertaining each other and not using me for a jungle gym or crying, “Mommy, Mommy, MOMMY!” was just icing on the cake.

It was one of those moments that reminds you just how worth it it all is.  All the day-to-day stuff just pushes itself away and isn’t so important.

Later that night, as I was putting Evie to bed,  Zach gave his sister a big hug and said, “Sissy, you’re my best friend!”  And my heart melted into a gigantic puddle of goo.

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Once again I’m home with sick kids. I took both of them to the doctor yesterday morning. Evie tested positive for Strep and according to the doc probably has some variant of the Hand, Foot, and Mouth virus. Zach tested negative for Strep, but had a very red throat and the doc expected his culture to come back positive so she decided to put both of them on antibiotics just in case.

Since they have to be on the antibiotics and fever free for 24 hours before returning to day care, we had another day at home today. I decided to take advantage of the time at home and dress the kids up in their costumes for a little photo shoot.

Evie wasn’t exactly cooperative, but Zach got pretty into it. He had fun posing like Woody and even did a “rag doll” shot with his head hanging down. Unfortunately, my lighting wasn’t as good as it should have been and I forgot to change a couple of settings on my camera so there is some pretty heavy editing. I’m pretty happy with them overall and the session taught me a few things as well.

For some reason over the last few weeks I seem to be stuck in a bit of a rut. I don’t have a lot of patience for other people, including my kids. I’ve been spending a lot of time in my own head, trying to sort out some things. I feel like I’m on the verge of a big change, though I don’t know exactly what that change will be. I want to create change, but I don’t know how. I feel stifled by my current environment and feel like I need a change. I need less clutter in my head and my life. I’m tired of the routine.

I’ve been spending less time on Twitter and more time reading blogs. For a while I quit reading blogs entirely unless I happened to see a link on Facebook or Twitter. I missed reading the stories. You just can’t get that in 140 characters. I’m trying to remember to comment more, to re-connect some of the ties that have come unraveled.

I wonder how people do it all. How do you have a full-time job, keep up with a spouse and kids, be a good parent, keep your house clean, pay the bills on time, be there for your extended family, maintain friendships and hobbies, read, create, write, and make a difference in this world? How is it even possible to do all of that? I can’t do it all. There is always something slipping through the cracks.

I have so many goals, dreams, and desires, yet I have a hard time taking the steps I must take in order to make them happen. Maybe it is insecurity, but I always blame it on a lack of time or money. There’s never enough time or money though, so do I just let those things slip away or do I step outside of my comfort zone and make them happen?

Sometimes I wonder if I feel enough. Anything involving my kids I feel with extreme intensity, but when it comes to other things I wonder if I care as much as I should. Sometimes I just feel so indifferent to things that should matter. I listen to friends discussing politics and world issues and I wonder why those things don’t matter as much to me. Am I just numb to it all? Perhaps it is just selfishness and I only care about things directly affecting me. A simple e-mail can be touching enough to make my heart skip a beat, yet I can hear stories about people being killed in other countries and just blow it off. Does that make me a bad person or am I simply tuning it out because I don’t have enough energy left in me to worry about the world?

I miss writing. I write here, but this place is no longer a place where I can really let loose. The thoughts that twist and tear at my heart don’t have a place to go. I don’t journal or even keep up with a private blog anymore. There isn’t time. Sometimes I wonder if that’s why I don’t sleep at night. Perhaps the thoughts just won’t leave me alone until I find a place to write them down. The thoughts that used to flow freely are now kept locked up. I don’t trust anyone or anything with those innermost private thoughts. I won’t let them escape and perhaps that’s why I feel so weighted down.

This week’s I ♥ Faces photo challenge is Pink Week to help spread Breast Cancer awareness.  I’ve written before about how important breast cancer awareness is to me.  My mom is a two time breast cancer survivor and she lives with the every day fear that it will come back and that it won’t be treatable the next time.  I’m not ready for that day to come either.

Beyond that, I don’t ever want to see another woman have to suffer through this illness.  The more aware we become, the closer we are to a cure.  Women need to know the steps to take for early detection.  Self exams are essential, as well as mammograms and regular check ups with your doctor.  But most importantly, women need to not be afraid.  We may not have a cure yet, but if caught early enough, treatments are very effective.

Ten years ago I didn’t know how long my mom would be around.  I didn’t know if she would ever see my children, or even if she would be around to see me truly grow up.  But she was a fighter.  She fought cancer not once, but twice.  Ten years later she has seen all three of her children get married and has six grandchildren to celebrate her life with.

This week’s I ♥ Faces challenge is dedicated to my mom.  Each year the office park where my mom and I work turns the fountain pink for October and I knew I wanted that to be a part of my photo.  Of course I also wanted to include my mom in the photo.  It didn’t turn out exactly the way I had it planned out in my mind, but this was the closest I got.

Please be sure to check out some of the other photo entries this week. There are some amazing photos.