Von Allan's official website

Another Quick Perspective Sketch

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Thu, 07 Dec 2023 21:58:00 +0000

I posted about doing this a few months back, but I had some free time so I did another one recently. And it was so much fun that I thought I’d work it right up to colours, but this time doing so with watercolour!

My goal is always the same: just how fast can I rough out a perspective drawing? And especially: how loose can I keep it while having “enough” drawing to be able to ink it? It can be a bit tricky, but the goal is speed, relative accuracy, and fun. Never underestimate fun!

To avoid getting too fussy with details, I do these sketches with ink, using Zebra and Tombow brush pens as well as Paper Mate Flair Fineliners. If I make a mistake, I can fix it when I actually properly ink the piece, not at this stage. In other words, if mistakes are made, I live with ‘em. Who cares?

As many know, I generally ink digitally now, but that’s not always the case and I do “bounce around” between traditional inking and digital inking. For this piece, I went digital to speed things up. I avoid any “tight” pencils or anything like that; I just scan the sketch in, set it up in Manga Studio EX 4 (yup, I still use it!), and away I go to inking.

With this piece, I thought it would be fun to throw some colour in there, too.

I didn’t keep track of total time, but it wasn’t long, which is the whole point and goal. Zip, zip, zip!

Oh! If you’ve reached this far, don’t forget: I’m starting to put out free digital copies of my comics. Head on over to my “Pirate Von” section and take a peek! It’s at https://www.vonallan.com/p/pirate-von.html.

The Impossibles (Story Fragment)

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Mon, 27 Nov 2023 22:14:00 +0000

A few years ago I submitted the following pages along with a story proposal (titled “The Impossibles” to a publisher of some renown, but the pitch was sadly rejected. I sat on it for a bit, but I liked it enough that I wound up re-purposing a good chunk the story proposal for what would eventually become my ongoing comic book series “Wolf’s Head.”

While I was prepping for a recent art/craft show, I came across the pages and thought they’d be fun to post here. Sadly it’s not a complete story and ends on a bit of a cliffhanger, but if you don’t mind that you might get a kick out of it. And who knows… maybe one day I’ll revisit “The Impossibles” again. One thing I’ve learned with art: never say never!

Oh! Some of you might recognize page 1. What I just said about re-purposing story and art? Well, I took that page and used a tweaked version of it for the cover of my short story collection “Stories! 2015 to 2019” which you can read for free right here.

Have fun!

Pssst! Click on the image to make it bigger!

Christmas Craft Sale 2023 in Ottawa

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Wed, 08 Nov 2023 18:46:00 +0000

As has become a bit of an annual tradition, I’ll be one of the exhibitors at the upcoming Vanier Artisans Christmas Craft Sale on Sunday, November 26th. This has been a really fun event in the past and the organizers (led by the amazing Charlotte Taylor) create a really great atmosphere. And the mix of artists is really neat; comics will be represented by yours truly, but there will be a wide diversity of artists and artistic practices at the show. Crafts, clothing, food, art, you name it!

One of the things I enjoy the most is the spirit of solidarity that everyone shares. In some events I’ve done in the past, that spirit has been sorely lacking. It’s hard to put into words, but I’ve certainly experienced a hostile competitive attitude in some of these other events. It’s a shame, because I strongly believe that we’re all in it together and that competition between artists should not be an element of any art show.

I was tasked to come up with a poster for this year’s event. This time I wanted to do something with Santa Claus, mainly because I don’t think I’ve ever drawn the big guy before. The problem with that is that Santa is so iconic it can be hard to “shake” other influences when approaching a design. I did what I could in that regard and came up with something that hopefully captures the ol’ elf in all his glory. With a little bit of wonder thrown in, too. I also included the final pencils ‘cuz I know that some folks like seeing the “process” from pencils to the final piece. It was a great deal of fun to do, too. And it all came together pretty quickly; literally I went from not having any firm ideas — save for the notion of including Santa — to getting in an image in my mind’s eye. That image held through right to the final colours and poster design.

The show will be at the Vanier Community Service Centre (270 Marier Avenue, Ottawa, ON K1L 7H8). And I’ll have not only comics and graphic novels (including WOLF’S HEAD!), but various art prints, cards, and whatnot, too! If you’re in town, why not drop by? It really is a lovely event!

Wolf's Head Issue 18 on Kindle

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Wed, 04 Oct 2023 05:30:00 +0000

I’ve pleased to announce that WOLF’S HEAD 18 is now available worldwide on Amazon’s Kindle platform. Now, if you’re asking yourself if this issue was later than normal, you would be right! The last number of months have been difficult to say the least and a lot of things went on the backburner. The big one was, of course, the death of my oldest friend Dave. In fact, this issue is dedicated to him. He had read quite a bit of WOLF’S HEAD and really enjoyed it. It was actually harder than I thought it would be to complete this issue, mainly because I know that he isn’t around to read it. So it goes and all that, but I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t thinking of him quite a bit while I was working away on this issue.

There have been a number of other events that compounded with Dave’s death to really slow things down. That said, things are back on track now and I’m very pleased to get back to WOLF’S HEAD, a series that I adore. One of the things that I love about serialized storytelling (as opposed to working on a “beginning-middle-end” stand-alone graphic novel) is that the story takes one in unexpected directions. Back when I was working on the early issues of the series, I never thought that Lauren, Sankō, and their friend the AI would have some of the adventures they’ve wound up having. That some of these events have surprised even me is pretty cool. I think (well, hope, anyway!) that this helps keep you (dear reader!) a little unsure of where things are going, too. That really is part of the fun of doing a series, regardless of its form. Back when I was working on those early issues, did I ever expect Lauren to be in Alaska and have the adventures she had there? Nope! Did I know about her road trip back down south, with her wonderful VW van and all of the rest? Nope! Did I know about the characters she’d meet along the way? Chuck Freight, Foolbert Bong, Fang Ting Him, Maggie Vraic, and all the rest? Nope! And did I know that Richard Blairstone, a bit of a “throwaway flunky” back in those early issues, would become the “heavy” he has? Nope!

Finding joy and being surprised in unexpected turns of events is amazing! It really is! I hope you find that, too, and with that in mind I’ll ask you this: if you enjoy WOLF’S HEAD, if you love it, please help spread the word about it. Review it! Tell your friends and family about it! Talk it up! Write me a letter telling me what you love and — gulp! — what you don’t! If you’re receiving this update via email as a subscriber, forward that to people you think might like the series and my work. Partner with me and help get the word out!

Folks, don’t forget this very handy tip: if you are shopping from somewhere other than the United States, simply replace the amazon.com part of that link with your preferred domain. For example, in Germany the “dot com” becomes “dot de” — therefore, the series can be found at https://www.amazon.de/dp/B08MTGCS49. Nice and easy, eh?!

Before I forget, here’s the trailer I did for the first hardcover edition of the series, collecting the first six issues. This book is beautiful to hold and early reviews have been very positive! This one, for example! There are many ways to engage with the series, but there’s something about holding the physical book in your hands that is pretty special.

Von Allan’s Wolf’s Head Comics at DARC (Digital Arts Resource Centre)

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Thu, 28 Sep 2023 22:56:00 +0000

Well, this is really neat! I was down at Arts Court here in Ottawa on Wednesday, September 27th to see my own exhibit. The Digital Arts Resource Centre (or ‘DARC’, formerly the SAW Gallery) had a show featuring artwork from my ongoing comic book series WOLF’S HEAD (see the formal announcement here). I have never seen my art this big before! The photos below are a great example of the exhibit, but the nature of the LED means that they display is a bit pixelated in the photos. Trust me: it looks amazing in real life. And you still have plenty of time to drop by Arts Court to see it; the show runs through October 20th, 2023!

They also created a nifty little flyer (PDF right here) that discusses my work with WOLF’S HEAD as well as my fellow exhibitor Helen Lam. She produced a truly lovely animation that looks fantastic on the LED display. The two exhibits “cycle through” and it’s pretty cool to see our different art styles sorta rub shoulders like this.

I’m incredibly honoured that DARC is showcasing my work like this. And if you’d like to learn more about WOLF’S HEAD, please visit its main website at https://wolfs-head.vonallan.com/. And, of course, you can visit my “shop page” if you’d like to buy a physical copy or digital copies (in Kindle format).

And with that out of the way, here are more photos! Oh, and before I forget! The photo at the top of this page is by the legendary Christian Marcoux (of Perspectives Vanier fame). The rest are by the equally legendary Sam Boswell!

Ottawa’s Digital Arts Resource Centre and Comics Creator Von Allan team up for an Exhibition

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Thu, 21 Sep 2023 10:00:00 +0000

Von Allan, an Ottawa-based cartoonist and comics creator, will be exhibiting artwork from his ongoing comic book and graphic novel series ‘Wolf’s Head’ at the Digital Arts Resource Centre (DARC) in Ottawa’s historic Arts Court building. The exhibit will run from September 22nd through to October 20th and will take advantage of DARC’s 2.13m (7ft) LED display. Rather than being a static display of artwork from ‘Wolf’s Head’, the artwork presented at the exhibition will be animated, transforming ‘Wolf’s Head’ into a unique and altogether different format that readers of the series have never experienced before.

“Presenting artwork from the ‘Wolf’s Head’ for the LED exhibit was a wonderful opportunity to experiment and play with artwork from the series,” said Allan. “It gave me a chance to not only animate some of the characters and sequences from the story, but also to recombine my art in a way that is very different than its original presentation in graphic novel form. That part was exciting, but also a challenge: could I reconstruct disparate elements from the story, present it to viewers of the LED display, and still create a narrative flow? That took some thinking and experimenting, but I’m really pleased with the result. I think it will give viewers a chance to see my comics in a unique way. The LED display is different than the ‘normal’ experience of reading comics and I think the reaction of passersby will be fascinating to see. And, of course, the sheer size of the LED display is a big part of the whole experience; no one, including me, has ever seen my art presented that big.”

Wolf’s Head’ features Lauren Greene, a young woman who quits her job as a police officer in Metro Detroit after becoming frustrated with growing police violence. At the same time as Lauren is quitting, a secretive corporation across town has managed to create a seemingly perfect AI for war and profit; however, before the corporation can use the AI, Lauren’s mother, Patty, a janitor at the corporation accidentally finds it. Patty is literally the kindest person the new lifeform has ever met and, as a result, it bonds to her, rejects its purpose and creators, and orchestrates a huge accident to cover an escape. Patty, overwhelmed, asks her daughter Lauren for help. Despite being broke and a bit lost herself, Lauren agrees to help; two humans, an AI, and a dog versus a warmongering corporation.

“One truly unique aspect of the exhibit is that it’s presented without sound,” added Allan. “And so I had to be sure that all of my artwork and storytelling could be followed without sound. In a way, adapting my art to the digital format felt like a bit like it must’ve felt for artists adapting work for the old Silent Film Era. As part of that adaptation, I also got to experiment with the use of intertitles to help connect various aspects of the narrative. In a way, I’m familiar with the idea of intertitles; comics and graphic novels often use words to do exactly this when it comes to panel and scene transitions. But, doing it for the LED exhibit meant that I had to be careful about the number of words used and the amount of time each sentence would show on the screen. The project was a really fun challenge and I’m thrilled to be able to see it on display.”

About Von Allan: Von Allan was born red-headed and freckled in Arnprior, Ontario, just in time for “Star Wars: A New Hope.” The single child of two loving but troubled parents, Von split his childhood between their two homes. Additional information about Von Allan can be found at https://www.vonallan.com/.

Von was featured in “I Am Still Your Child,” a documentary film (http://iamstillyourchild.com/); was the recipient of the Corel Endowment Fund for the Arts Award in 2014 and the CBC Trailblazer Award in 2019; and was a finalist for the 2020 Peter Honeywell Mid-Career Artist Award. Von also received two separate rounds of grant funding for ‘Wolf’s Head’ from the City of Ottawa (a $4,000.00 grant in 2020 along with an additional $4,000.00 grant in 2022, both in the Literary Arts — English category).

About Digital Arts Resource Centre (DARC): Digital Arts Resource Centre (formerly SAW Video) is a not-for-profit, artist-run media art centre that fosters the growth and development of artists through access to equipment, training, mentorship, and programming. Our mission is to support a diverse community of media artists empowered by technology, programming, and the exchange of ideas.

Our core principles are independence of expression, affordable access to all, and paying artists for their work. Digital Arts Resource Centre values diversity and actively promotes equity for all artists regardless of race, age, class, gender, sexual orientation, language, or ability.

The Digital Arts Resource Centre is located at 67 Nicholas Street. Additional information about DARC can be found at https://digitalartsresourcecentre.ca/.

Cover of ‘Wolf’s Head’ Book 1 in hardcover:

Halloween-Themed Craft Sale in Ottawa

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Tue, 19 Sep 2023 15:48:00 +0000

I was tasked by the ever-wonderful Charlotte Taylor to design the latest poster for the upcoming Emond Park Craft Sale here in Ottawa, Ontario. Charlotte has been shepherding this event for a number of years now and it's always a great deal of fun to participate! And it's extra fun to do the poster art, too! This time the event will have a Halloween tone and I wanted to make sure that theme came across in the poster design! As an added bonus, I also included a quick photograph of the raw pencils and final inks. I don't always work this way, but when I do it does give me a chance to share this art process with you folks. Well, to some extent, at least!

The details of the event are on the poster, but it'll be on Sunday, October 1st from 10:00 am to 4:00 pm. Emond Park is in the heart of Vanier, a neighbourhood of Ottawa, and is very easy to find.

The Facebook page for the event just went up, so local folks (and not so local folks) can find additional details at https://www.facebook.com/events/867926031418097. It should be a lot of fun!

Megan Durnford, her film LAST RESPECTS, and the Betty Youson Award for Best Canadian Short Documentary

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Fri, 18 Aug 2023 16:37:00 +0000

Megan Durnford (photo courtesy of Charlotte Dunford-Dionne by way of the Westmount Independent
Well, in the category of “better late than never,” I just discovered that Megan Durnford won one helluva an award back in May*. The award is the Betty Youson Award for Best Canadian Short Documentary and is for Megan’s short documentary LAST RESPECTS (more on that in just one sec). As some of you know, Megan is also the writer and director behind I AM STILL YOUR CHILD, a documentary dealing with so-called COPMI (“Children of Parents with Mental Illness”). Yours truly was in that film, dealing with my mom’s diagnosis of schizophrenia and what growing up in that environment was like.

Regrettably, I have not seen LAST RESPECTS as of yet, but the film deals with a part of our culture that is really never talked about, at least publicly. As Megan noted, “What happens to Montrealers who die alone and whose bodies are not ‘claimed’ by loved ones?” As she began doing research, she came across a short article that discussed Father Claude Paradis and his annual ceremony for these forgotten people of Montreal. Rather than have me blather on about it, though, you can read Megan’s own thoughts about the film by reading her essay at https://povmagazine.com/reflections-on-the-making-of-last-respects/. The trailer for the film is on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8vOsGlC5BQ

The film also led to a really unique collaboration. Megan worked with her son, Hugh Durnford-Dionne, a cinematographer and editor in his own right and the two were able to mesh their skills as they developed the film project. While I’ve only met Hugh briefly, it is really neat that the two of them were able to work together in such a fashion. Not every family could actually complete a journey like that.

As the HOT DOCS — Jury statement notes, “For its human, simple and necessary approach to the universal theme of the dignity and value of every single life that stands out by virtue of its compelling, skilfully crafted visual language as much as its personal story and message.” And Instagram has a snazzy photo of Megan accepting her award!

I would encourage you to seek out the film, as I plan on doing, and also follow along with Megan’s career. And remember: she is not only a filmmaker, but is an author.

Salut, Megan!

* Yes, May, but I only came across the news yesterday courtesy of Westmount Independent, based in the island of Montreal.

Interview with Barney Smith of StoryComic fame

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 22:25:00 +0000

Barney Smith of the fantastic StoryComic site (https://www.storycomic.com/) was nice enough to have me on his show! And unlike some other radio/podcast shows, this was actually done live in front of the camera! Video! Shocking!

What is truly amazing to me is that Barney has now done 289 (!) episodes of his show. That’s 289 interviews of all kinds of writers and artists, many working in comics but certainly not everyone, and he does it with humour and grace along with a boatload of great questions, too. And since he’s based in Vermont, he’s also done a special subset of episodes that deal with creative folks that live in that state (I think about 42 episodes in that category). That is one hell of a lot of work and, as I noted to Barney, I’m not sure how he does it. A love of the medium certainly helps and he has that in spades, but still… I get tired just thinking about how I’d handle that many interviews, especially given all of the research and energy that goes into it.

And, of course, The Center for Cartoon Studies is based in White River Junction, Vermont. That’s important because the school, as they note on their website, “centers on the creation and dissemination of comics, graphic novels and other manifestations of the visual narrative” as is one of the few that do that sort of thing in North America. See? How cool is that?!

So, what do we chat about? Well, not only my background in art and comics, but also how I approach telling the stories I do. We’re talking art here (and by art I mean “art” that’s very broadly defined). In other words, there are no right and wrong answers to how one makes art. There are just tools and different approaches and a great deal of learning. Whew, boy, the learning truly never stops and that’s one of the joy (and, okay, one of the occasional pains) about art. I was delighted that Barney was interested in talking about this, mainly because I think it’s one of those things that can kinda get glossed over. In other words, how one (as a creator) thinks about and approaches the story they are trying to tell is very important. It’s very easy to confuse or otherwise lose the reader and, at least for my own work, I rarely want to do it and never want to do it by accident (for those interested, one of my most abstract stories is this older one, that really needs to be read at least twice to really “grok” what it’s about).

And, of course, we take a pretty deep dive into WOLF’S HEAD, my ongoing comics series, too. (and pssst! Don’t forget to check out the new snazzy trailer for it, too!)

Okay! With that out of the way, here is the interview itself from YouTube (and if this doesn’t play for you, you can jump directly to the interview on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7P-TMAfNxMY). Alternatively, there’s also a terrific podcast version that you can listen to — or even download the .mp3. That’s on PodBean at https://storycomic.podbean.com/e/episode-289-wolf-s-head-when-an-ai-baby-teams-up-with-an-ex-cop-von-allan-exclusive-interview/

I hope you enjoy it! And many thanks to Barney for having me on to talk about a medium I love so much!

Wolf's Head Book 1 Trailer

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 20:49:00 +0000

I’ve very pleased to share this, though it took quite a bit of work to get ‘er done. So! This a short trailer I created for my ongoing comic book series WOLF’S HEAD, specifically for the first hardcover collection. It took some doing, mainly because there are some short animated sequences; since I’m definitely not an animator, I had to learn some new tools to make it work. That’s the challenge of creating anything, but perhaps especially art, but it’s also part of the fun, too. It’s also really neat to see my art presented in this way. Still me, but different.

This is really a narrative trailer, for lack of a better phrase. I wanted to avoid just “throwing” artwork at viewers and try, as elegantly and succinctly as possible, to get to the heart of the story. I think the trailer does that, but of course, you will be the ultimate judge. ‘Course, if you like it, please do share it far and wide.

For those interested, I used Blender to create the animations and then put the whole thing together using OpenShot. Both software packages are free and are very powerful. Blender, in particular, is remarkable. Folks have made full length 3D animated films using it, but I was really taken with Blender’s 2D options.

The video is embedded below, but if you can’t see it, you can view it directly on Youtube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1llp9chMzw

Talk Ottawa Interview

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Wed, 07 Jun 2023 10:25:00 +0000

One of my very first long form interviews and one that I thought was lost! This was done way back in 2008 with James Hendricks, then host of Talk Ottawa here in Ottawa, Ontario. This interview meant a lot to me since I was basically just starting out and he and the producers of the show were very open and welcoming.

James and I chat about comics and graphic novels, the challenges of being an indy artist, and the changing face of technology and how that applies to comics. We also do a deep dive into my very first graphic novel, titled “the road to god knows…”, that deals with parental mental illness. In the case of that comic, I drew on a lot of my own experiences growing up with my mom; she was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was very young. We talk about that, too.

Oh! My art that was presented in the original video was pretty rough, so I decided to update it with art revisions I did some years ago.

The player should work below. If not, or if you'd prefer to watch on Youtube, please visit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tS8ADTEwBcI

Wolf’s Head Issue 18 Page 1 Process

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 19:08:00 +0000

I thought it would be fun to share some of the ol’ “process” behind a recent page from WOLF’S HEAD. In this case, it’s the first page to issue 18. And hey, 18 issues in for an indy comic book series is not too shabby, folks.

This page features Lauren Greene and Super Bob Sanchez chit-chatting in a diner in Alberta. The page also builds off of issue 17 and the various struggles that Lauren is currently going through. While I don’t think there’s any “right” or “correct” way of starting a comic, I’ve long been partial to opening with a splash page to get things going. This is especially useful here because the preceding panel in the previous issue was actually very small. So if one is reading these issues in sequential order, it should be fun to leave off last ish with a tiny panel and then start this one with a biggie.

I’ll start with the final coloured and lettered page and we can work backwards to the initial layouts. Oh, one important caveat: while some pages take a bit of visual brainstorming, in this case I knew exactly where I was going (building from last issue, right?) so I didn’t need to do that. That’s often not the case and many pages take a bit of thumbnailing (usually tiny thumbnails) to work out mentally how I want to approach a page. This is often especially true for covers; considerations of logos and whatnot influence how the page might look. In other words, sketching and “mucking about with page design” is a tried and true way to go.

Next are the final inks, including screen tones (or, if you will, Ben Day dots or what I long called “zipatones”). Generally I do not include the lettering in the final inks (well, at least for colour work) and that is reflected here. Inking is one of my favourite things to do and this page was a blast to work on!

Next up are the final tight pencils. There is a bit of visual cheating going on here. I actually rarely rough out a page like this as one individual unit. Rather, I actually do various pencil sketches (and sometimes even inked sketches) on different sheets of paper, scanning them into my computer and finalizing the pencil layout that way. I like that approach, mainly because it allows me to isolate various parts of the illustration and work on that. In this case, the diner is a good example: isolating the perspective drawing from the figure drawing allowed me to play around with some ideas, something a bit harder to do if everything was on one sheet of Bristol board.

The next two illustrations showcase more of what I mean. First is the tighter pencilled perspective sketch of the diner and that’s followed by the very loose sketch (this time with my trusty Tombow brush pen) as I loosely laid down some ideas. These actually follow part of the same process I described here, but in this case I did do a round of tighter pencils rather than just go into final inks because I needed to be sure of a few different things. The trade-off is time, but I felt it was worth it in this case.

Not included here are the separate figure sketches. I generally do loose little gestures, often in ink, and then scan, check, print out, and tighten into final pencils. You can see the final result in that first sketch above.

Some pages are slow, some go surprisingly quick, and this one was somewhere in the middle. It was a lot of fun to do and hopefully starts off issue 18 in an engaging, intriguing, and beautiful way.

What? Free Comics by Von Allan? Yes!

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Sun, 16 Apr 2023 19:18:00 +0000

UPDATE! While the Amazon deal described below has expired, I have decided to start making my comics freely available to all. Please visit https://www.vonallan.com/p/pirate-von.html for more information and download links!

For a limited time, eight of my comics formatted for Amazon’s Kindle are available for free! These are free anywhere in the world (well, at least those places that have access to Kindle). If you have been on the fence of trying my comics, this is a great way to give them a try. And, if you know people who might like my comics but have never tried them, please pass this along. Sharing is caring and all that and, of course, one can’t beat free.

The titles in question are as follows:

WIZARDS FOR HIRE — CHEAP!

STORIES! 2015 TO 2019

And the first six issues of my ongoing series WOLF’S HEAD. Oh, and please do not forget this: since the first six issues are available for free, buying the entire series in digital format (17 issues!) is now about $12.00 US cheaper than normal. In addition to that, these first six issues also make up the first collected hardcover volume, so if you’d like to try the series out but felt that the hardcover was too pricey, this is a great to “dip a toe in the water.”

I’ll put the links to both Amazon.com and Amazon.ca below. For those of you visiting from other parts of the world, please note that all you need to do is replace the “dot com” or “dot ca” with your own regional domain and you’ll be taken to that Amazon site. For example, if you are in Spain and use Amazon.es, all you need to do is replace the “dot com” part of the link (for example, my author page at https://www.amazon.com/Von-Allan/e/B002BM77EM/) with “dot es” (https://www.amazon.es/Von-Allan/e/B002BM77EM/). And voila! There’s my author page for Amazon Spain!

With that out of the way, here we go!

Amazon.com

WIZARDS FOR HIRE — CHEAP! — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B089QXBYY9

STORIES! 2015 TO 2019 — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B089QX5LJC

WOLF’S HEAD Issue 1 — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B089V1DVY7

WOLF’S HEAD Issue 2 — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B089V7356R

WOLF’S HEAD Issue 3 — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B089VJYMT2

WOLF’S HEAD Issue 4 — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B089X8Q7WN

WOLF’S HEAD Issue 5 — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B089XFBPFL

WOLF’S HEAD Issue 6 — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B089XSTJKC

WOLF’S HEAD Entire Series (Issues 1 through 17, with issues 1 through 6 free) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08MTGCS49

Amazon.ca (Canada)

WIZARDS FOR HIRE — CHEAP! — https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B089QXBYY9

STORIES! 2015 TO 2019 — https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B089QX5LJC

WOLF’S HEAD Issue 1 — https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B089V1DVY7

WOLF’S HEAD Issue 2 — https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B089V7356R

WOLF’S HEAD Issue 3 — https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B089VJYMT2

WOLF’S HEAD Issue 4 — https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B089X8Q7WN

WOLF’S HEAD Issue 5 — https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B089XFBPFL

WOLF’S HEAD Issue 6 — https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B089XSTJKC

WOLF’S HEAD Entire Series (Issues 1 through 17, with issues 1 through 6 free) — https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B08MTGCS49

Teaser Images

Here are some teaser images for all eight comics!

Quick Perspective Illustrations

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Mon, 27 Mar 2023 21:42:00 +0000

I’ve been working on changing how I approach perspective drawings. The main issue I felt that I was having was that I wasn’t quick enough. For the most part I liked how I was handling perspective — especially when compared to where I was years ago — but to be able to produce comic book pages at a quick enough rate that was acceptable to me was always a bit of a challenge.

Given how difficult the past year has been, I decided to take some time to really think about how I approach perspective. I knew I wanted to get quicker, but I also wanted to start incorporating more screen tones into my work, mainly to create more depth. You can see all of this in the artwork below.

So what’s really changed? Well, initially I would do a loose thumbnail, then I’d fuss with the perspective — mainly through creating various perspective grids — before working on a tighter pencilled illustration. Only once I was happy with that would I then ink it. Well the result was fine, this was a very time-consuming process. Too time-consuming, really, and that was the crux of the problem.

My new approach is very different. I quickly lay out a perspective grid and then sketch using my trusty Tombow Fudenosuke Hard Tip brush pen. In other words, I’m skipping the pencil stage entirely and just going directly to ink. You can see that in the loose sketches below, though I’ll be the first to admit that it’s a bit hard to tell that these are using the brush pen. Why? That’s because I’ve lightened the pen’s value digitally, which gives it a more “pencily” feel than it actually has in person. But! You can see the actual process in the final image of this series, a “process photo” that shows how I’m doing this more clearly.

Is it working? In other words, it is quicker? Yup! I’m very happy to say that it is. And I kinda wish I hit on this process a few years back, when I first started WOLF’S HEAD. Live and learn, I suppose. And hey, maybe some artistic growth and development helps the whole thing? I think that’s fair to say. Still, it’s been a neat change up in my approach and a great deal of fun to do, too!

You’ll notice that Lauren from WOLF’S HEAD makes a few cameo appearances. I’ve also been changing up how I approach drawing tiny little background characters and I plopped some of those in the final inked versions, too. More on that development on another day.

Anyway! I hope you enjoy these process illustrations!

Short Story – Sheba the Great!

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Thu, 19 Jan 2023 20:23:00 +0000

Well, this is an unexpected treat! A treat so unexpected that I’m going to take a moment to explain it first.

I first wrote the following short story, titled “Sheba the Great!” back in 2004. Almost twenty years ago… the mind kinda boggles at that. Anyway, at the time — and as I’ve discussed in the past — my drawing skills were not that strong. As a result, I wound up deciding to not draw the story. Instead, I shelved the story and moved on to other projects. Fast forward to the spring of 2015. My drawing skills had really improved and, looking around for something to draw, I stumbled across my old short story from, at that point, a decade before. So I did! It was a fun project and turned out really well. I didn’t colour it, but I did pencil and ink it.

And then something kinda goofy happened. I was in the process of working on a number of short stories (you can see some of those here) and once I finished “Sheba,” I moved on to other things. Shortly after that, I wound up having a pretty spectacular computer crash. Now, I back up everything regularly and I try to keep some of my key art files off-site, too. When I restored everything, “Sheba” had disappeared! I remember being extremely frustrated, but I was faced with a quandary. “Sheba” was seventeen pages long. Did I really feel like re-drawing and re-inking the entire thing? I decided that the answer was a pretty firm “No.” Part of that was my frustration, of course, but I also really didn’t feel like going backwards and re-working something I had felt that I already completed. Moving on felt right. And so I did.

Since the past year was pretty chaotic (to say the least) and as the holiday season was approaching, I wound up going through a couple of old hardrives that I had thought had “given up the ghost.” I was able to partially get into one of them and (drum roll please!), I discovered that I did have a copy of “Sheba” after all! What a pleasant surprise!

Looking over my art and storytelling, I felt that the story and my approach to it held up pretty well, all things considered. I wound up having some spare time over the holidays, though, that gave me the perfect opportunity to finally complete it. I spent a little bit of time tweaking a few things here and there (‘cuz, you know, one never stops growing with art). And, of course, it had never been coloured so I needed to do that from scratch. Plus lettering the whole thing, too. I was able finish the entire thing just before New Year’s Eve. That just left it for my erstwhile editor to give the story a final pass and the official “go ahead.” That has now been done. And so, here we are!

“Sheba the Great!” is a light-hearted sci-fi comedy that was a great deal of fun to write and a blast to draw. And it’s probably the oddest story I’ve ever presented you, dear reader. Written in 2004, drawn in 2015, tweaked in late 2022, and finally coloured, lettered, and edited also in late 2022. In other words, different aspects of me, working together across time. Kinda weird, but kinda wonderful!

“Sheba” also wears its influences on its sleeves. In a way, “Sheba” is a love letter to certain stories that I grew up. It’s the best way I have to say thank you to creators like Pedro Henry, Steve Dillon, Harry Harrison, and so on.

I really hope you enjoy it!

Update! I’m very pleased that people are having fun with this story! To thank everyone and to give a bit of content back to the greater comics community, I’m releasing the story as a free download in .cbz format. Actually, I’m doing it in two versions: a low-resolution version and a high-resolution version and both are available through Dropbox. The low-resolution version is here and is about 20 megs in size. The high-resolution version is here and is about 75 megs in size. Oh, once you have downloaded either version, you’ll need a .cbz reader to actually read it. If you don’t have one, Wikipedia has some suggestions right here. As always, please be careful downloading anything that you’re not sure about. Please do your own research to find the one that best fits your needs.

So, there you have it! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing and illustrating it! And don’t forget to visit the rest of my archives. There are a number of other short stories that you can read for free right here. And my long-form comics project, “Wolf’s Head,” will also be debuting as an ongoing webcomic very soon! If you’d like to keep up to date with all of my art and comics, you can sign up for my mailing list. Thanks!

Von Allan Studio's Graphic Novels for the Holiday Season

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Wed, 30 Nov 2022 14:13:00 +0000

With the holidays just around the corner, I thought I'd take a moment and summarize my two hardcover graphic novels that were recently published. Why? Well, I think that they both are perfect gifts for the holiday season! I'm very proud of both of them. I think they both are the best representations of my art and writing that have ever seen print. Both books are beautiful and I'm extremely pleased with how they both turned out.

Both hardcover graphic novels are available pretty much everywhere in the world. One of the remarkable things that the internet has brought us all is the relatively easy way to find and buy books. I still remember, back in my bookstore days, how tricky it was to actually books. And if one goes back any further, prior to the internet, finding specific titles, especially indy books from indy authors, was extremely difficult. One would have to search local stores, reach out to fellow fans in other towns and cities, and even write to stores in other countries to track down a title. Now? It is so much easier. It really is a remarkable change. For an independent comics creator like me, it is a huge change.

With that said, here we go!

WOLF'S HEAD BOOK 1

For WOLF'S HEAD BOOK 1: WE ALL WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD, you can find a listing of stores carrying it by visting https://www.vonallan.com/2021/12/wolfs-head-book-1-in-hardcover-worldwide.html or by visting the Von Allan Studio Shop Page. Plus there are online stores like Amazon.com, Bookshop.org, IndieBound, Barnes and Noble, and so on. Previews of the graphic novel can be found right here and there's a tremendous review by Frank Plowright over at the Slings and Arrows Graphic Novel Guide site.

WOLF'S HEAD BOOK 1 collects the first six issues of the ongoing WOLF'S HEAD comic book series in full colour. The graphic novel version is 176 pages long in full colour. And what's it about? Well, here's what my illustrous editor and I wrote for the synopsis:

Lauren Greene is an ex-police officer who turned her badge in after becoming frustrated with the police force's corruption. She's had enough of violence and is thinking about packing her bags and hitting the road to see how she can make a difference out in the larger world, when her mother Patty shows up at her door with a complication. It turns out that Patty's employer — a secretive military corporation — has created an artificial intelligence to fight humanity's wars. Unfortunately for the corporation, the AI fell in love with Patty's humanity and orchestrated its own escape through her. Giddy with excitement, Patty brings the AI straight to Lauren for help, not realizing the danger she's putting herself and her daughter in. But Lauren has dealt with people like this; she knows what they're capable of and she is terrified. Her fears are realized when she and her mother are confronted by corporate goons who want the AI for themselves and are willing to do anything to get it. As Lauren does her best to keep herself, her mom, and her family safe, the tensions over the AI erupt into violence… and suddenly Lauren is on her own.

The new little life form doesn't want to go back to the corporation and Lauren realizes it cannot be forced to live out its life as a war machine. There is already enough corruption, inequality, and violence in the world; the AI has to have a chance to help humanity — peacefully — while figuring out its own existence. Together with the AI, an eccentric cast of friends and family, and her dog, Lauren must figure out her next steps… while keeping herself alive.

And here's a fun little teaser I did that showcases some of the themes and art from the collection:

It really is a fun graphic novel with all kinds of twists and turns. I'm very proud of it and I'm extremely pleased with how sharp the printing turned out.

LOVE, LAUGHTER, AND LOSS: A COMICS COLLECTION

Next up is my hardcover short story collection! Like WOLF'S HEAD BOOK 1, this is available worldwide and is widely available online at sites like Amazon.com, Bookshop.org, IndieBound, and Barnes and Noble. Photos of the graphic novel collection and more links can be found right here or by visting the Von Allan Studio Shop Page.

Unlike WOLF'S HEAD BOOK 1, this is a short story collection featuring some of my favourites. All of these short stories are available for free on this website (you can find the links to each short story in webcomic format here). Frank Plowright also did a great review of the collection at https://theslingsandarrows.com/love-laughter-and-loss-a-comic-collection/.

Here's the short synopsis from the book:

This collection contains nine short stories by Canadian writer/artist Von Allan that, together, represent the best and worst parts of life; love, laughter, and loss. Travel around the world (and sometimes even off world!) with average people, heroes, cowardly adventurers, and even a dog. While these stories were previously published in two periodical collections ("WIZARDS FOR HIRE-CHEAP!" and "STORIES! 2015 TO 2019"), this marks the first time they've appeared in a premium hardcover format.

And here's a teaser image from the collection!

Like WOLF'S HEAD BOOK 1, this short story collection is perfect for fans of comics and graphic novels. The short stories really range in tone and theme and I'm extremely pleased with how they look in print.

So, that's that! Two beautiful graphic novels that fans of comics will fall in love with. If you need a gift for someone (or even just yourself!), please do consider them. You won't be disappointed!

Vanier Artisans Christmas Craft Sale

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Mon, 21 Nov 2022 22:22:00 +0000

I'm very pleased to announce that I'll be one of the participating artists in this year's Vanier Artisans Christmas Craft Sale. This is organized by the always capable and wonderful Charlotte Taylor and she's bringing together a wide range of artists of different disciplines for the sale. I really like that; I don't like "silos" and the idea that artists have to "stay in their lane" or somesuch has never made much sense to me. I like that different artists can get together for an event like this. That's a neat way to share art and a great way to have some fun. And a special bonus is that I designed and illustrated this year's poster, too!

The poster has all the details. And there's also a Facebook event page for it at https://www.facebook.com/events/1277240033075854/

I'll be bringing a number of my comics and graphic novels, including the hardcovers of WOLF'S HEAD and LOVE, LAUGHTER, AND LOSS. Plus prints, cards, and a few other odds and ends. And I think a very special guest will be joining me there, too. That's all hush-hush and super secret! The only way to find out is to come!

So if you're interested in meeting some amazing artists and perhaps buy some lovely art for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or "just because," please drop by on Saturday. It should be a lot of fun!

LUCK! 2022 Fundraiser for the Ottawa Arts Council

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Mon, 14 Nov 2022 19:32:00 +0000

I'm very pleased to announce that I'm one of the participating artists in this year's LUCK! fundraiser put together by the Ottawa Art Council. I've been eager to be involved with LUCK! in the past, but the pandemic — being what it is — made these type of events very tricky over the past few years.

My contribution is a limited print. It's titled Memories of the Road and is mixed media on 100% cotton watercolour paper and measures 11" × 17". Signed my yours truly.

Oh, when I say "limited," exactly what do I mean? Well, this is a special 1/1 (or one of a kind) print for the Council. I may make another version more available in the future, but for now this is it. And for the observant of you out there, this print also has a small tie-in to WOLF'S HEAD. Can you guess what it is?!

Here's how the Ottawa Art Council describes LUCK!:

LUCK! is the Council's annual art draw and fundraiser that offers a diverse showcase of local artists and producers while supporting new projects in our arts community. Invited artists donate an artwork or art experience and guests purchase a ticket to win a creation. This evening is unlike any other in Ottawa, as every ticket is a winner!

This year's LUCK! will be held at Parlour, a really neat restaurant and event space. It's pretty much perfect for LUCK! and I think will give the whole event a pretty special vibe.

I'm really hoping that this turns out to be a wonderful event for the Council and I'm very honoured to be asked to contribute.

Mary Marvel Fanart

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Wed, 07 Sep 2022 18:59:00 +0000

I don’t generally talk too much about fictional characters, but I do have a soft spot for Mary Marvel (as well as the whole Marvel Family). She’s also been on my mind a bit lately. Why? Well, part of it is that she’s starring in a brand new mini-series from DC Comics (THE NEW CHAMPION OF SHAZAM!). That’s worth a quick word because I think that this is Mary’s first starring role in a series since she starred in WOW COMICS and later MARY MARVEL COMICS in the 1940s. And while this version of the character is pretty far away from her original appearances in various Fawcett titles decades ago, it’s still fun to see — and far funner than her “dark” Mary appearances from fifteen years ago (the less said about that, the better¹).

The other part is that this has been an extremely difficult year, some of which I’ve written about previously and some of which I’ve chosen to keep private. Given that, I’ve felt that I needed some “escape time” and drawing Mary is just what the doctor ordered. The new version of DC’s Mary is college-aged and while that’s fine, I decided to illustrate her younger, as she was when she initially appeared in Fawcett’s titles back in the day.

We’re actually coming up to her 80th anniversary in December. Mary first appeared in CAPTAIN MARVEL ADVENTURES #18 that had an on-sale date of November 13, 1942 (cover dated December 11, 1942). And, of course, she was a very early female superhero, predating Supergirl’s first appearance (in 1959) by 17 years. Interestingly, both characters were co-created by writer Otto Binder; Mary Marvel was co-created by artist Marc Swayze while Supergirl was co-created by artist Al Plastino. Binder’s Mary was strong, courageous, joyful, optimistic, and compassionate, traits that I wish more contemporary characters had. I sure as hell don’t mind “grimdark” stories here and there, but it often feels that too many characters have fallen down into the grim ‘n gritty tone that often makes them (well, for me, anyway) a chore to read.

You also don’t have to take my word for this; many of Mary’s stories in WOW COMICS are in the public domain and you can give them a try yourself. Have they dated a bit? Sure. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. It’s important to point out that many of these stories were written during World War II and there is a far amount of racism and jingoism in their pages. Given that period of time, it’s hard to avoid, especially in comics. If one judges these stories using the mores of our time, the reader will undoubtedly encounter problems and disappointments. Fine. So don’t! Or rather, keep these issues in mind, but come to your own conclusions.

That said, one advantage of reading Mary’s stories in WOW is that many draw on magical realism (seriously, WOW #21’s “The Revolt of the Plants” is a great example. It features a Smoke Demon (yes!), trees that come to life, and so on!). My suggestion is that if you try these public domain stories, keep an open mind. Ignore or discard what you don’t like and see what gems you can find. For me, Mary Marvel versus the Smoke Demon is a blast!

Oh, and of course I should add, these illustrations are fanart. No copyright violation is intended. Oh! And for those who are keen, here's an older piece of fanart that I did, too.

Oh, and as a special bonus, I also drew a younger Mary Marvel, closer to how she initially appeared in CAPTAIN MARVEL ADVENTURES #19 by Marc Swayze.

1 Well, fine, I can’t resist so I’ll just add that Jim Kingman wrote a great piece about this sorry situation that’s worth a read. It’s at https://web.archive.org/web/20090803144408/http://www.comicsbulletin.com/effect/122175589926211.htm

Radio interview about Dave Foohey

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Tue, 09 Aug 2022 22:15:00 +0000

Joe Pugh, the new host of the ever-awesome People First Radio program out of British Columbia, was nice enough to have me on to talk about Dave. The interview is really a follow-up to my op-ed that ran in early July in the Ottawa Citizen about Dave's death. While it was hard to do, Joe did a terrific job as an interviewer and his questions were empathic and honest. I couldn't ask for anything more than that. It's funny; it has been just over three months since the police came and told my wife and I about Dave's death and I'm still finding it pretty hard. I think part of that is still the uncertainty over exactly what happened (we're all still waiting for toxicology reports from the coroner). Closure, in other words, is still hard to come by. Being able to write about Dave helped as did being able to talk about him on Joe's program. A step at a time, right?

The interview can be found at https://www.vancouverislandmentalhealthsociety.org/podcast/remembering-dave/. There's a handy audio player so you can listen at your convenience, plus links to other sites that are also hosting the interview (i.e.: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, etc.).

Alternatively, you can directly download the MP3 file right here. On a desktop or laptop, you can just "right-click" and download it to your computer from there.

Joe is also a writer at the CBC, so you can find more of his writing by visiting https://www.cbc.ca/news/entertainment/author/joseph-pugh-1.6226261 - and please do so! There are some excellent pieces there!

Lastly, here's one of the few photos I have of Dave and I. It didn't make into my main post about Dave for a few reasons, but I thought I'd share it here. This is from 1995 in my old bachelor apartment in downtown Ottawa.

Drawing Kids

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Tue, 02 Aug 2022 18:36:00 +0000

Given everything that has been going on, when I get a chance to draw I've been looking for fun little pieces to work on. The illustrations below certainly fit that bill!

Drawing kids is a great deal of fun. Very challenging, but fun! Why challenging? Drawing adults allows for more "wiggle-room." In other words, there's more flexibility in how one chooses to render adults. Or rather, I find that there's more flexibility. That's partially based on style, probably mixed in with a bit of my own sensibility when it comes to figure drawing. If you over-render children, they immediately look "wrong." Generally my goal is to try and keep everything as simple as possible while (at least in these cases) still maintaining my own visual style. It might sound easy, but it's really not in practice. In the cases of all these girls, I didn't want to get too cartoony or abstract, so that also influenced how I approached each piece.

In the case of the middle illustration, I also decided to play a bit with colour holds (where I change my black linework to a colour). Why do it? Again, for fun! It's neat to play and see how the art (and, more importantly, the feeling of the art) changes with different visual approaches. I've done it before, something you can see in this little celebration of Mary Marvel.

One of the things I love about art is that there's no "right" way to do it. There are multiple ways and multiple approaches. How one feels about that is a reflection of them, at least in that particular moment. And, of course, opinions change about art, too. Even how I approach colour has changed over time (see this, for example).

I don't know about you, but I find that pretty exciting.

Municipal Election Signs for Ottawa Transit Riders

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Wed, 27 Jul 2022 18:49:00 +0000

With the 2022 Ottawa Municipal Election just around the corner, the Ottawa Transit Riders tasked me with the illustration and design of their issue-based campaign signs. I wanted to keep “within the ballpark” of what I had done for them in the past, but try to give a fresh spin on things, too. Part of the challenge this time around is that these signs are much larger than before (24" × 18" versus 17" × 11"), but at the same time they needed to be clearly legible and eye-catching from a distance. I wasn’t going to get away with a lot of fine hatching or subtle colour here!

Another challenge was to have a double-sided sign with both French and English text. Working within their requirements was challenging, but that’s also part of the fun!

The “extra” challenge was that they also wanted the illustration to be used for a campaign button, too. That’s hard; the button itself is only about 2" in diameter, so too much fine detail would be lost if I simply shrunk my art down from 24" to 2". What I wound up doing instead was taking my initial design for the campaign sign, shrinking it down alright, but re-inking and re-colouring the entire thing in a different way to make this smaller version “work.”

What makes this election fairly fascinating are the number of incumbents who are not seeking reelection. These include Councillors Jean Cloutier (Alta Vista), Diane Deans (Gloucester-Southgate), Keith Egli (Knoxdale-Merivale), Mathieu Fleury (Rideau-Vanier), Jan Harder (Barrhaven), Catherine McKenney (Somerset), Carol Anne Meehan (Gloucester-South Nepean), Scott Moffatt (Rideau-Goulbourn), as well as Mayor Jim Watson. Catherine McKenney is running to replace Jim Watson as Mayor, but I’m not sure if any other current Councillor is doing so (Councillor Deans was, but announced that she had dropped out). The nomination period is still open, so this could all change.

Anyway! My sign designs are below. I added two mock-ups in attempt to show what they’ll look like “out there” in the world at large. Pretty neat, eh?

My op-ed on Dave Foohey in the Ottawa Citizen

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Mon, 04 Jul 2022 12:04:00 +0000

The Ottawa Citizen has run my op-ed talking about the death of my dear friend Dave Foohey. It’s in both the print edition (July 4, 2022) as well as online (at https://ottawacitizen.com/opinion/julien). This is an adaption of my longer piece about Dave that I wrote in May.

One of the challenges of writing op-eds is keeping them succinct and to the point. My original piece was roughly 5,000 words. The op-ed is about 800 words, or about an 84% decrease. Yikes.

I think (well, hope) that my love for Dave and the quandary of mental illness still shines through.

Studio Updates… and some Halflings!

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Fri, 03 Jun 2022 17:54:00 +0000

This is going to be an “odds ‘n ends” kinda post. First, I’m very pleased to announce that I’ll be participating in the “Arts in the Park” event here in Ottawa. This event has been led by the amazing Charlotte Taylor and she, along with some other folks, have done an amazing job. Obviously COVID led to the cancellation of last year’s event, but it’s really neat to see it back up and running. It’s already special now, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it might just become one helluva “can’t miss” event down the road. Arts in the Park will be held here in Ottawa on June 18th and details can be found on the event’s Facebook page.

Otherwise, well… I’m still trying to place Dave’s death. I kinda feel like a part of me has been ripped right out and it’s going to take a long time before I really feel “whole” again. Part of that is the lack of closure in general and part of that is the uncertainty around his death. As I think I mentioned in the aforementioned post, there’s a good chance we may never know what happened, why it happened, and if anything could have been done to stop it from happening. That, friends, is a tough tough thing to face. These type of losses take time to heal; while I know that intellectually, emotionally is a whole other trick. It’s kinda like experiencing a rough storm; scream and rage all you want, but the storm is going to do its thing before it finally blows itself out.

Death, regardless of what else it may mean to different people, also represents the loss of potential. It ends the “what ifs” of life. There is no “road less taken” or other cliché. If you’re familiar with the notion of a “dolorous blow,” that’s a pretty good description of how I’ve been feeling. There are things I would have loved to do with Dave, things that I now no longer have the opportunity to do. Movies, art shows, book launches, and all of that. Plus just hanging out and talking. The potential for things is now over and that is a struggle to face. Paul Brickhill wrote a great line in his book THE DAM BUSTERS that has always stayed with me. It reads, “War, as someone said, is a great leveller, but he did not mean it quite as literally or as bitterly as this.” Death, too.

As a result of all of this, I haven’t managed to do too much drawing lately. I’m generally pretty good at working away regardless of how I’m feeling, but Dave’s death has really effected that. Part of it is just giving myself the time I need to grieve and feel the loss. Another part is that art does take a certain peace of mind, especially if one — okay, me — really wants to get the creative “juices” flowing. I don’t generally struggle when facing the ol’ blank piece of paper, but over the last month I really have been. However, I AM drawing, even if it’s not at the level of production I normally like to maintain, and I thought I’d share a few pieces here.

Halflings!

These are Hobbits… well, Halflings because I think the word “Hobbit” has been trademarked. What? Yes. I generally think of things like this as “joy sucking,” damn it all. It is what it is though, so Halflings it is!

My Halflings are not really in the Tolkein style. Or rather, they are at the BEGINNING of their careers, but not later. What do I mean? Well, I like my Halflings to have a major flavour of old school DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS thrown into the mix, but D&D through the prism of BLOOD BOWL. Yes! In other words, pleasant and fun-loving in the beginning, but then they decide to go delve into a few dungeons. The survivors (ahem!) become far more haggard and battle-scarred. That doesn’t kill their love of food, beer, and good times, of course, but it does give them a world-weary sense that I really like. Besides, there is something that I find a great deal of fun with having scarred up Halflings who have names like Jonesy Gluttonbelly, Pauly Pancakes, Bertram Berryapple, and Bailey Teabiscuit. Who the hell doesn’t want to go into a dungeon with those folks? Someone who doesn’t like living, that’s who!

These pencilled illustrations are fun and sketchy. They’re also tighter than I usually pencil, mainly because I tend to be looser with my pencils because I almost always ink my own work. If I was pencilling for someone else to ink, then tighter pencils are usually the best way to go, unless penciller and inker have a tremendous and intuitive relationship. I tend to view the relationship between two people working like this as somewhat akin to the pitcher/catcher “battery” in baseball.

Examples in comics include John Byrne and Terry Austin, George Pérez and Romeo Tanghal, and Neal Adams and Tom Palmer.

As an aside, it’s very weird to think that both Pérez and Adams have also died recently. Sigh.

Part of what makes the “battery” analogy not quite perfect is that it ignores the roles of both colorists and letterers, which is clearly not fair. Both play a key and underappreciated role in comics, especially mainstream corporate comics, and that importance really deserves more attention then it typically receives. Continuing the baseball metaphor (and hopefully not torturing it too much), in many ways the entire team of creators (the writer, penciller, letterer, inker, and colorist) is more akin to a baseball infield. Each is important and without each the team breaks down.

Of course, in general I “play” all of these positions, so the analogy doesn’t really fit me. That’s always the problems with analogies, right?

I also decided to do something I very rarely do and colour directly off my pencils. I generally don’t do this, preferring to colour after I ink my pencils. Why change it up now? Well, partially for fun. And partially, as I noted above, that I’ve been struggling and playing around like this is very helpful for my own peace of mind. Besides, it’s good to experiment and try different things out. Part of the whole point of art (broadly defined) is to do just that. Experiment, try things, and play. How the hell else does one learn and grow?

I suspect I’ll be doing this kind of thing for the next few weeks. It helps deal with my sadness and loss. And that? That’s not nothing. Given what’s been happening, I’m going to take whatever solace I can grab.

Colours and Inks

As always, all of the art on this page can be clicked on for larger versions. I kept the pencilled versions fairly small (about 600 px wide) but the coloured and inked versions are larger (about 900 px wide).

“Sharing is caring” might be a bit clichéd, but it really does help.

Dave

noreply@blogger.com (Von Allan) — Thu, 05 May 2022 03:23:00 +0000

This is a post I had hoped that I would never have to write. Dave — David Thomas Foohey — was my oldest friend. “Was,” of course, being the key word. And “was,” in this case, is one helluva hard word to write. On the night of May 2nd, 2022, my wife and I had a visit from two officers from the Ottawa Police Service. They came to tell us that Dave was found dead in his home. He had been dead for quite some time, about three months. His neighbours, as is often the case in situations like this, had noticed that his mail had piled up and, presumably after attempts to contact Dave had failed, were worried and had contacted the police. We still don’t know the cause of death, but given that the police do not suspect foul play, it was some form of “natural causes.” That, too, is hard to write.

Dave and I first met when I was 8 years old and we developed a friendship that survived our childhoods and had deepened as we both grew into adults. His friendship meant the world to me; I was a lonely, isolated, and shy kid. Very introverted. Dave and I met shortly after I had moved from a small town in the Ottawa Valley to Ottawa, the capital of Canada. Ottawa was far bigger than anything I was used to before and pretty damn intimidating. To say I had “culture-shock” was an understatement. Dave was also shy and we bonded over so many different things: comic books, role-playing games, and pro wrestling in particular, but also pop culture and, as we grew older, life in general.

There were so many things that I’m going to miss. He had a “secret” recipe for these unbelievable oat cookies that just knocked my socks off. They were incredible and very hearty, but he guarded that recipe — despite my best efforts to get him to share it! — like it was state secret. He loved animals, but especially cats. The cats he had in his life were mostly rescues and he gave everyone of them a good home: Logan, Garfield, Mr. Kitty, Cecil, and Thomas. He was wonderful with dogs — probably because of his background with seeing eyes dogs as well as his general decency — and he looked after Rowen, our ol’ girl husky, a number of times while we travelled to various conventions or other events. He loved games and gaming, both traditional board games, role-playing games, and video games. And he was a truly gentle and decent human being, something that we need far more of in this world of ours.

If we had any differences, it was really that as I grew older I became less introverted. There were a number of reasons for that. One was that I had managed to lose weight and, through those efforts, grew in confidence. Later, when I wound up working at and managing Perfect Books, a local indie bookstore, I was forced to deal with a broad range of people and that, too, helped me grow out of that “shy shell” that was my armour for so much of my childhood. Dave, on the other hand, had a hard time with that and remained pretty shy and introverted throughout his adult life.

His shyness was not unwarranted, though. Dave’s parents had him quite late in life. His dad was, if memory serves, about 50 years old (!) when Dave was born. Dave’s dad, David Edmund Foohey — Ed for short — and his mom Mary-Anne Coughlan, had marital problems and their marriage broke up while Dave was quite young. Both of his parents were also legally blind; Dave’s dad was blind since birth and his mom was legally blind, though my understanding is that she did have some limited vision, though even this degraded over time.

Ed was also one of the most capable men I had ever met; his blindness never stopped him. Or rather, he never let either his blindness or how this culture treats disabled people in general stop him. Not everyone has the ability to do that, of course, and this society and culture needs to be far fairer and kinder to those of us who, through no fault of our own, struggle in one way, shape, or form. Ed had earned a PhD from the London School of Economics and later become an economist, first with Alcan Aluminum and later with the Canadian federal government. And he wrote a remarkable essay on his childhood at https://bobo.blackspheretech.com/?p=182 — seriously, go read that when you have a chance. It is well-worth your time.

Dave’s mom is trickier. She wound up living in Vancouver, but never had a key role in Dave’s upbringing, at least that I’m aware of. I have a distant memory that I might have met her, but I’m not sure. I do know that she was not particularly stable; there was one scary situation that did affect Dave. Ed had custody of Dave, something that was fairly remarkable for that time, and Mary-Anne did have visitation rights. When Dave was around 7 years old, she briefly “kidnapped” him. I put kidnapped in quotes because it was a peculiar situation that I wish I had more knowledge of. My understanding is that this situation did not last for very long (perhaps a week or two, possibly a little longer), but must have terrified Dave’s dad. I do know that the police were involved and Dave was eventually reunited with his father. Part of the reason that I met Dave in the first place is that this event screwed up his school year; Dave was one year older than I am, but Dave was held back one year. I don’t know if this was because of trauma, circumstance, or something else, but as a result we wound up being in the same grade when he should have been one year ahead of me.

Why did Mary-Anne do it? I’m not sure, but Dave was not physically harmed, though his emotional well-being was a different thing altogether. I do not write this to cast any aspersions on his mom. I have had some experience with parental mental illness and these are situations are never easy. As far as I know, she did a terrible thing, but I don’t think there was malicious intent. How do I know? The short answer is that Dave, as a teenager, wound wind up staying with her for a couple of weeks here and there. That was often in Vancouver, quite far from his life here in Ottawa. That tells me that something was resolved between both Ed and Mary-Anne, perhaps even legally, and she was trusted enough that Dave could spend time with her. However this was resolved, it did allow mother and son to rebuild their relationship, at least to some extent. Dave rarely talked about his mom, though, so I was left with a number of questions and very few answers. Still left, really.

I write this mainly to give some context; Dave was loved by both his parents, but they were both distant with him, too. He and his dad did not have a “touchy-feely” relationship, at least that I’m aware of. Part of that was generational, I think. And if you read Ed’s essay that I linked to above, you can catch glimpse of why. What I do know is that Dave was an only child and had difficulty sharing his feelings. He was quite guarded about this aspect of himself. He’s obviously not alone; while our culture is changing, both boys and men still have a hard time expressing and discussing emotions and feelings. I have to be careful here; in no way do I blame either of his parents for this; it’s partially a “nature versus nurture” situation and also a societal one. In other words, it’s over-determined. To put it another way, Dave was who he was regardless of any of this and I loved him for it.

That also doesn’t mean that Dave wasn’t sensitive. He was. In fact, he was one helluva gentle human being and I dearly wish more people had his sensitivity. He often listened to me blather about my emotions and feelings with patience and wit. He could be damn funny, but most people didn’t see that too often. Dave really had to get to know you before he let his guard down. He was also supportive of my art and comic book endeavours, watching (probably with some degree of shock) when I left the bookstore that I was running to set out on an art career. He saw all the hiccups and false starts; the failures and frustrations. He also was able to see my grow as an artist and that is something I take quite a bit of solace in.

His mom died in 2004 at the age of 62. Far too young to die and I’m not clear on exactly what happened. Dave was not particularly surprised by her death, but — again — it was difficult to get him to talk about it much. She also died in British Columbia and Dave didn’t attend her funeral. It was difficult to get him to talk about that decision, too. I think he felt that he had already placed her loss. He might very well have been right. This type of thing is always so personal and I think — hope, really — that he was happy with that decision. Life carried on and he seemed to be okay.

His dad died in 2008 and this one was much harder. His dad was in his 80s and, while frail, was still pretty feisty. Dave was living in the same small apartment building that my wife and I were in, but he would regularly visit his dad to help out with cleaning, groceries, and that sort of thing. And my wife and I also were able to have both Dave and his dad over to our place a number of times, primarily for holidays, and these were always a great deal of fun. Ed was such a gentleman, in the classic sense, and I can still picture him in my mind’s eye; with the holiday meal finished, Ed would sit in a rocking chair with one of our cats on his lap, telling stories.

I still vividly remember the day that two members of the Ottawa Police Service dropped by to let him know that his dad had been found dead in his home. They found me first and, while they were noncommital, I was pretty sure I knew what had happened. I had to bring the police to Dave to break the news. That was a tough, tough day. My wife and I gave Dave the privacy he needed while he discussed what had happened with the police, ready to intercede if and when he needed us. While Ed’s death was sudden, he had died of natural causes. Again, that is easy to say but very hard to place.

Given his dad’s age, his death really wasn’t a surprise, but I don’t think Dave was at all prepared for that loss. Worse, Dave had been working as an accountant in the federal government, in a department that was then called Indian and Northern Affairs. I know that Dave had been working on some of the Residential School claims and that this was extremely difficult work. Despite his accounting work, Dave wound up becoming informed about a truly awful chapter in Canada’s history; a chapter that is still unresolved. Words can’t describe the horrors that so many indigenous children went through in this country, something that many people are still not prepared to face.

At any rate, that combination — the death of his dad combined with the nature of his work — significantly and negatively effected Dave. No, scratch that. Saying that doesn’t go far enough. “Destroyed” would be a better word. That combination destroyed him. Worse, his superiors in no way, shape, or form gave him the support he needed or the help he needed to grapple with this trauma. His PTSD. Trauma and loss can effect us differently; one person can just be wrecked by a situation or an event while others aren’t. It’s part of the reason why I don’t believe in trying to “rank” or otherwise qualify loss and trauma. It is what it is and we all react differently to it. Often our reaction is influenced by exactly where we are in life at that particular point in time.

In a way, Dave was lucky. His dad was incredibly capable and his estate was in good order. Dave wound up inheriting a house in a beautiful and expensive part of Ottawa. That house was fully paid for, so Dave would only need to deal with municipal taxes and general upkeep. On top of it, Dave’s dad had an investment portfolio that Dave also inherited. Lastly, Dave was both the executor of his dad’s will and estate and the sole beneficiary. From a financial point of view, Dave was okay. His dad made sure of that. Given what we know about so many people in our society, he was better than okay. Financially.

However, emotionally Dave was not okay. Not even close to okay. He could not easily talk about the losses and trauma he had suffered. I supported him as best I could through all of this; talking with the police, trying to find his dad’s body at the morgue before we discovered that the body had already been transferred to a funeral home, going to that funeral home and dealing with all of the arrangements, breaking the news to his neighbours, dealing with the will, and so on. Dave was clearly hurt, but he could not really talk about that hurt. Again, there’s no fault or blame in how he dealt with and processed his dad’s death. He did the best he could. It was just so difficult to see someone I loved not be able to share the burden of loss.

Then things got worse. Dave wound up quitting the government entirely. Here I do blame his supervisors; he was never given the support he desperately needed. The department itself dealt with a great deal of “burnout” (what a euphemism that is) and Dave was clearly just a cog in a very big machine. When he couldn’t handle it, he walked away. What should have happened? Well, first off he should have been given assistance if and when he needed it. Second, he should have been put on stress leave. Hell, unions have fought for that right and, while many workers in Canada do not have that right, it is an important right and needs to be much broader. Every damn worker should have that right.

To his credit, Dave did seek out some help from his doctor who referred him to a psychiatrist. This he did on his own and I dearly wish he had reached out to me for some help with this; visiting doctors, especially when one is dealing with trauma, is not easy. Having a friend with you, both as moral support and as an advocate, can be and often is helpful. However, it would be an intrusion in his privacy. Dave chose to go a different route and tried to handle it as best he could on his own.

I did manage to talk with him about what the psychiatrist told him. This was really the only time he opened up about it with me. He basically said that the trauma “popped” his brain. He tried some prescription anti-depressants to help, but the problem with meds like this is that they can often take a long time to get “right.” In Dave’s case, the medicine emotionally “flat-lined” him. He phrased it this way: all of his emotions, not just the sad ones, were shunted off. Not sad, not filled with loss, but equally missing out happiness and joy. There was just nothing at all. As a result, Dave gave up on the medications. And, as far as I know, he never went back to them.

Dave never did wind up working again. He wound up moving into his dad’s house. That house, in an older retired neighbourhood, became his prison. I don’t think that’s overstating it. The house was really meant for a family; it was big and old and meant for a post-World War II-style nuclear family. Living all by himself in that house was… well, not a good situation. Worse, Dave had wealth but little income. He could rely, as far as I know, on investment income from the stock and bond portfolio, but this was always unpredictable and variable.

He did have a cat or two and they helped. And early on, he did have a roommate and that helped, too. But the roommate eventually moved on and was not replaced. Then it was just Dave, a cat or two, and that house. Both my wife and I urged him to sell the house. He couldn’t do it. I think I understand; it was both his childhood home as well as a direct connection to his dad. I think that for Dave selling it was anathema; it would have been like cutting off his own arm. However, at the same time the house was expensive to maintain. Property taxes alone were high and that, combined with day-to-day expenses, created a number of financial problems. I should add here that I’m partially guessing; while Dave was guarded about his emotions, he was even more guarded about money. Both my wife and I would ask him how he was doing for money or even offer to help out if we could, but he always deflected. I think he knew, probably, that selling the house was the practical thing to do. It would have resolved a lot of the financial issues that I suspect he was having, but — again — he couldn’t do it. Again, to be clear, I don’t blame him for that. Whatever the reason was, he just couldn’t do it.

This was all made worse by his social isolation. Living in that house and not working meant that his social circle became that much smaller. We did manage to get him to visit us from time to time and we did visit him from time to time as many of the photos that accompany this piece attest, but it was always impossible to get him to leave for an extended period of time. In other words, getting him to go on a vacation was a bridge too far. Getting him to even stay with us overnight was nearly impossible. And, as the 2010’s continued, the visits became less frequent. We used to see him on all the major holidays combined with various weekends or whatever throughout the year. As time went on, it just became the major holidays. And then even those became unpredictable and less frequent. Dave, I think, retreated from life.

When we did see him over the past few years, he was obviously declining. I say “obvious” because he became harder to talk with. His physical well-being seemed to be deteriorating; we’d see him one time and he had gained weight. Another time, months later, and he had lost a lot of weight. Maybe too much. Then the weight was put back on. Back and forth, forth and back. My suspicion, and it’s only that, is that he was surviving on canned stews and other poor quality food, assuming he was eating regularly at all. The cognitive issues were that much worse; his memory wasn’t as crisp as I was used to. He also seemed to be getting paranoid; I vividly recall one conversation that I had with him where he claimed that he couldn’t read an illustrated Lovecraft book outside in his backyard because the neighbours were uncomfortable and judging him. While I’ll never know for sure, I doubt that anyone who happened to notice could even determine what he was reading.

Things got worse. He was supposed to visit us on Christmas Day in 2017; this was a long tradition we had had with him. However, his cat Cecil was having health issues and Dave called to cancel. It was the only time I ever remember him crying; Cecil, after a bad few weeks, had died that Christmas morning. Dave was unable or unwilling to take him to a vet, even an emergency vet, so he had stayed with Cecil until the very end. I was shocked; we’ve had to put a number of our animals down over the years and it was unthinkable to me to not bring them to a vet to end their suffering. Again, I’m not saying this to judge Dave or anything like that; what I am saying is that the idea of bringing Cecil to a vet either didn’t cross Dave’s mind or he felt that he couldn’t afford to pay for Cecil’s end of life care. I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know that Dave was unable to talk with us about Cecil’s health until that poor little cat had died.

Dave fully retreated after that. I don’t know if this was sparked by Cecil’s death or a coincidence, but reaching him was basically impossible. We’d leave phone messages that were never returned. Worse, his answering service would “fill up” and leaving further messages was impossible. He would not return emails. We’d try sending postcards and letters, even containing a self-addressed stamped envelope sometimes, and these weren’t returned. We became desperate, reaching out to the Ottawa Police Service to arrange a wellness check. We were told that we need to try visiting him in person before the police could intervene. I should add here that Dave lives fairly far away from us and, worse, none of us owned a car. We were always reliant on either public transit or taxis. Anyway, given the situation, I hopped on a bus and went down to his house while my wife stayed home to look after our animals. I have to admit that we both thought he was dead. I still vividly remember getting off the bus and beginning the approximately 15 minute walk to his house. That was one helluva tough walk. A walk filled with dread. A walk filled with sadness. A walk filled with questions. A walk filled with remorse.

As I neared his house, I could see a pile of mail in the mail box. I was positive that he was dead and, in a minute or two, I’d be calling the police from his front steps. With a lump in my throat, I approached the door and started banging on it with my steel toes. After a little while, I heard a commotion inside and Dave opened the door. I almost cried with relief. He was okay; or, as the saying goes, okay for not being okay. In fact, he was bewildered. He didn’t understand why I was upset or what the problem was. I remember calling my wife to tell her that Dave was alive and “okay” and she burst out crying. We had been so worried and the relief that he was alive was almost overwhelming. At the same time, there were obvious points of concern. His sense of time, his isolation, his confusion about why we were worried, and his gentle dismissal about his absences. The phone? He was having problems with the phone company, and rather than deal with it, he just let it go. Email? Too much spam so he gave up looking at it. The self-addressed stamped postcards and letters? Never got around to answering them. What was the big deal?

It’s hard to put into words how shocking this was. The Dave I had grown up with was the epitome of responsibility. He was an accountant, after all, and — stereotypes aside — was incredibly responsible. As a kid and a young adult, Dave was always on top of things. That Dave didn’t let anything slide by. This Dave? Well, in many ways he was still the same Dave, but in many other ways he was clearly not. Reconciling the two was pretty damn difficult.

I took him out for lunch, my treat, and, given the stress, we had a relatively nice time. Both my wife and I hoped that our anguish over whether he was alive or dead might make an impact. Maybe he’d stay in touch, at least better than he had been? Maybe he’d be more proactive, knowing that we loved him and worried about him? Maybe… maybe things would change for the better?

Sadly, it became pretty clear that nothing changed. Our little intervention made no difference at all. Dave continued to withdraw from the world around him. Offers to help him find work, suggestions to volunteer in the community, offers to hang out, all this and more fell on deaf ears. Again, I don’t blame Dave for this, though I’m profoundly saddened by it. I had seen similar behaviour in my mom, but the circumstances and situation was different. In my mom’s case, her anxiety, depression, and struggle with schizophrenia was paralyzing. She literally could not get out of bed some days and her retreat from the world was as a result of this. She had also been hospitalized a number of times for so-called “nervous breakdowns.” In Dave’s case, the details were different, but the end result was the same.

One of the most difficult things about mental illness is that unless one really “bottoms out,” there’s very little aid given to people in our society. All of the Bell “Let’s Talk” campaigns don’t matter if one can’t get help when one needs it. Worse, there’s a conundrum here; what if one doesn’t think they need help? How does one help an adult that doesn’t not admit that they need help? Even “admit” here is a tricky word because that implies some type of denial. I’m not sure Dave was ever aware that he was in trouble. Or, if he was, he may have felt that these troubles would pass in time.

Dave could function, nominally. I suspect he could visit a grocery store and present as normal. I suspect no clerk or other customers really took any notice of him; he was still quiet and respectful, at least when I was with him, and I think most clerks might have just thought he was a bit quiet or — maybe — “odd.” He certainly never had any “episodes” (i.e.: an obvious mental health crisis) on the street that would have allowed some type of formal intervention. He was never hospitalized for depression. He was never hospitalized for any mental health issue at all.

He lived in a decaying house, on a quiet street, by himself. Alone is not a synonym for lonely. Dave might never have felt that he was lonely. I don’t know. From the outside, I think he was, but at the end of the day only he would know for sure. We were desperate to help him. We loved him dearly and it was brutal to watch him decline. For me it was especially hard because I had experienced this before with my own mom. Seeing it again, albeit with significant differences, was not easy. The feeling of powerlessness combined with a looming sense of inevitability is extremely difficult to communicate to someone who has never experienced it. Like an oncoming storm that’s still very far away, but coming all the same.

It is brutal to watch someone you love decline. And both my wife and I had to make a decision. There is only so much one can do. Dave’s behaviour was harming us. At some point we had to accept that he was living the life he wanted to, even if he wasn’t “well.” And, perhaps, a life that the “other” Dave, that younger healthier Dave, would not have accepted, either. We would always be there for him, but we couldn’t resolve any problems for him. As a matter of self-preservation, we had to pull back. At the end of the day, all we could do is be there for him, no questions asked, if and when he decided to reach out.

He never did. I suspect the pandemic made things that much worse. Given my wife’s health (she’s immune-compromised), we couldn’t risk much personal contact since COVID began. We had already made the decision to pull back from Dave to protect ourselves, but COVID basically cemented that. It hurt. Dave knew my wife’s health situation, but he never reached out to see how she was doing. That hurt, too. Do I blame him? No, I don’t, but the sting was there all the same. It did confirm to me that his mental health was not good; old Dave would have touched base. This Dave? He couldn’t do it, for whatever reason. Perhaps it never even crossed his mind.

Did Dave do anything wrong? No. What’s hard about this is that there’s no one really to blame. While I do hold his supervisors at Indian and Northern Affairs responsible for the lack of support they gave him, that was also 14 some-odd years ago. It’s not their fault. Nor is it his dad’s fault or his mom’s fault. It’s no one’s fault. It just is. And that’s hard. It’s also senseless and that’s hard, too.

Dave was 49 years old. He had a lot of living still to do. I dearly miss my friend. I miss what he was and I miss sharing what he could be. What if he had been able to gain control of his mental health? What could he have done? Where would he have gone? What joys could he have shared? The sting of death is not just the loss of what was, but the loss of what could be. There is an old poem, written in 1856 by John Greenleaf Whittier titled “Maud Muller.” It has a line that has stayed with me all of my life: “For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: ‘It might have been!’”

I miss my friend. I miss what could have been. The three of us (Dave, my wife, and I) had loosely talked, way back when, about growing old and maybe buying a house together down east. Dave’s dad was from the Maritimes and I think the notion of moving back there one day appealed to Dave. It wasn’t a firm plan or anything like that, but it was an idea of three friends who loved each other and wanted to support one another. I miss that Dave.

Death is awful. The loss of loved ones, human or otherwise, always is. I think back to the experiences we shared together. Reading comics. Playing role-playing games. Watching pro wrestling. Playing cards. Hanging out. Talking. It hurts that I’ll never have that experience with him again, but I’m glad I had them. I can say that he helped me, especially when I was a kid, more than I ever realized. I was able to relax with Dave, something that — given my own history — was not so easy for me to do. I’m glad I told him, more than once, that I loved him. One of the last times we saw him, he said it back.

To love and be loved is, at the end of the day, what I think life is all about.

Dave was loved. And that’s important.

Dave is remembered. And that’s important, too.

Goodbye, Dave. I’ll miss you forever.

Postscript:

“We find in the myths no sense of bitterness at the harshness and unfairness of life, but rather a spirit of heroic resignation; humanity is born to trouble, but courage, adventure, and the wonders of life are matters of thankfulness, to be enjoyed while life is still granted to us. The great gifts of the gods were readiness to face the world as it was, the luck that sustains men in tight places, and the opportunity to win that glory which alone can outlive death… The dangers of this view of the world lay in a tendency towards lack of compassion for the weak, an over-emphasis on material success, and arrogant self-confidence: indeed the heroic literature contains frank warning against such errors.” — Hilda Roderick Ellis Davidson, GODS AND MYTHS OF NORTHERN EUROPE

This is the last photograph I have of my mom and I together. Taken by Dave in his backyard.