vulnerable diaries

Shy's 1st Birthday

2011-07-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

Last June 18, 2011 it was my Little Princess' 1st Birthday. I and my husband was very busy preparing a little party for our baby. We always keep in mind that birthdays need not be expensive and what matters is she will be happy on this day. We did everything, as in everything.

FOR THE FIRST TIME

For the first time in our married life, we felt so happily proud of ourselves that we didn't partly rely on other people to make the birthday celebration successful. We didn't ask any friends' help for the preparation. We didn't expects donations or shares from family but we are still thankful that my husband's brother and his wife gave a little gift in a form of cash. Thank you, somehow it helped a lot. My sister had sent a gift package for Shy too thru courier. Thank you Ate.I would also like to thank my boss for he had added a little amount to my salary for Shy's birthday.

My husband was in charged of the kitchen and I was in charged of the decorations. I had managed to decorate the house without spending a hundred! Quite unbelievable right? Yes I did. Decorations are expensive but ideas are free. I took out some colored papers from my son's bag and traced it to different sizes of number 1 and glued them all to the walls.

It was a beautiful night. Lots of colleagues and friends went over. My husband's colleagues came with their family - wife and kids. They all managed to enjoy the night by eating, drinking, and talking about different things and funny jokes. One of his colleagues brought a girlfriend and they were oh so sweet! Another guy came with his beloved wife and kid. His wife is friendly and looked so young. I wonder how old she is. The kid was so cute. He never wanted to be apart from his mom. They grouped together and had a nice conversation.

They talked bout their jobs, families, computers, work experiences and many different things about life. I also had a friend who went over the party, a friend I met just once and we met again for the second time. That's one real friendship. Some of the visitors managed to visit Facebook and played Plants vs. Zombies. Some just enjoyed chatting and chatting.

Ate Sharon, my bestfriend's sister was there too with Mama and her Kobe. I was so happy because for a very long time, we met again thru my child's birthday. Thank you very much Ma for coming. I remembered my college days. Ice, I wish you were here. Kobe and Nashville were very good friends. They played toy cars and chased each other while others are busy eating. :)

Here's the part which I liked the most... It was when Jake and Kathy arrived with the kids, nannies, and their mom. Seeing them was like fulfilling the celebration. Kids were all around playing balloons. I could see happiness in Shy's eyes.

Nashville was very busy playing and entertaining his visitors. He felt that it was his party too. I'm glad he was able to overcome his problem against socialization. He has conquered his shyness totally. Before, he never plays with other kids. He gets angry when somebody he doesn't know, touches him or talks to him. It was kinda weird but it was a struggling stage for him. He grew up with a mother who has been always busy at work. But it's not too late. His mother sacrificed everything for the kids, so she can watch over her kids - so I can watch over my kids. Whew... enough, enough, enough! This was really a happy moment.

CAPTURED STRIKE-A-POSE and CANDID MOMENTS

~~...a colorful night with colorful balloons and kids everywhere...~~

~~...with arnel's wife and kid, lanie and kid, nash and kobe...~~

~~...rengie on the go...~~

~~...tita, thanks for the cake, balloons, and your friends!...~~

~~...people from iloilo, thanks...~~

~~bestfriend's mom from polomolok, south cotabato...~~

~~...papa's friends and colleagues...~~

~~...how cute is the balloon...~~

~~...papa, thanks for the delicious dishes...~~

~~...behind the scenes with gang-gang...~~

~~...after the party with tita lottie...~~

~~...it was simple yet the best party ever...~~

~~...oh, before i forget, the gifts are wonderful...~~

Thank you very much everyone!

.. just isn't enough

2011-04-08T01:10:00.000-07:00

i was so serious, so straight
from home to work i go
thinking of the things to do
hastened, so as not to be late

every task i did well
every instruction i followed
i've given everything
all my time and knowledge

but what has happened now
now that everything is known
now that somebody is taught
i've been slapped like a minnow

do you know what you have done?
do you remember when everything was fine?
for you its just like a normal day
any acknowledgment i receive none

worse when you're so called friends
who'll be with you though thick and thin
beware it's not really true at all
where are they now and their words?

just when you thought everything was smooth
just when you trusted your close pals that much
both have just used you and squeezed you
it's a fake friendship,
and everything just isn't enough

Shy's Butterfly

2010-09-09T01:03:00.000-07:00

It was on Sept. 5, 2010 Sunday afternoon when I saw this butterfly. It was flying in our cute living room while we were doing the general cleaning. I was carrying my little daughter and it seemed that this creature is following her. I really never paid attention for I thought that it would just pass by. We continued doing the usual chores.

On the next morning, I saw the butterfly on the ceiling. It was still in our house! At first, we were happy to have thought this butterfly would bring us luck for its color is brown. And as the old belief goes, brown butterflies signify wealth. What a good life it would have been, if the old belief has come true. However, we just enjoyed seeing the creature flying to and fro our house.

"Butterfly.. butterfly!" as my older son kept on shouting. He was so amazed with it. I could see the happiness in his eyes. While my little daughter was very innocent about it. She would just smile, sigh, and utter a little laughter.
On the same night, the butterfly wasn't there anymore. I was just shocked knowing that it was on my back. My sister-in-law and my husband was surprised. They wondered why it kept on following me. By that time, I was carrying my little daughter again.

There was this little anxiety in me about this butterfly. It was days already with its presence. Whenever we will go to our bedroom, it goes there too. I felt that there's something with this butterfly.

Then I came to realize that sometimes, souls of the persons whom you love will reincarnate into another form of creature. It could be my tatay, my biological father, or my mama, my aunt who somehow became my mother. Maybe they just wanted to be with me or with my family. Much more than that, maybe they wanted to cuddle Baby Shy. For they didn't see her. They haven't felt what it is like to have a grandaughter like Shy.

Now, its Sept. 9, 2010 and believe it or not, the butterfly is still there. Everytime Baby Shy would cry, it would fly nearer to her. I really don't know what to conclude about this situation. But whatever it is, I just want to thank Tatay and Mama for watching over me, over us, and most of all watching Baby Shy.

From now on, I will name it as Shy's Butterfly.

May tatay and mama finds consolation in God's peace.

THANK YOU MAMA

2010-08-08T21:55:00.000-07:00

Thank you Mama
For the beautiful dresses and clothes I get
You sewed them with your own hands
I’m wearing them as if my Sunday’s best

Thank you Mama
For helping me make my homework
Especially summaries of long stories
You made me study rather than lurk

Thank you Mama
For believing that I am intelligent and witty
You won’t allow the grade of seventy-nine
You made it changed to eighty-five instantly

Thank you Mama
For letting me join in role playing
As early as 1st grade as I can recall
I played doctor with a patient dying

Thank you Mama
For teaching me how to dance
Because of you I felt so beautiful
With the costumes and stance

Thank you Mama
For teaching me how to speak freely
Declamations, orations, poems, etc..
I could utter all the words heartily

Thank you Mama
For scolding one my 4th grade classmates
He throwed a stone on me while playing
Leaving my face and right eye in disgrace

Thank you Mama
For letting me manually scrub the floor
You told me it could make my legs strong
Scrubbing from the living room to the door

Thank you Mama
For letting me run errands
It made me very responsible
Industrious and never ignorant

Thank you Mama
For watching over me when I had measles
My fever is high and my body is trembling
You’re there until the sun’s shine ceases

Thank you Mama
For welcoming me in your humble abode
For treating me as one of your daughters
I will always love you until I grow old

The Little Princess

2010-08-08T17:41:00.001-07:00

I am her little princess
For I am smart and pretty
As early as three days old
I'm already smiling, so witty

She took a thousand pictures of me
From the second I first cried
From the second I opened my eyes
"She is so beautiful!", Mama sighed

I am her little princess
For I am very strong
When I was inside her womb
I did struggled for so long

She worked all day and night
Even I'm still within her
So I made a very strong grip
With the pains she had to bear

I am her little princess
She had this deep love for me
She said that I am her life
Always have been and always will be

I am Mama's little princess
How did I really know?
You might be wondering all along
It's because my Mama said so..

Wrestlemania 25: Hail THE UNDERTAKER !

2009-04-06T21:32:00.000-07:00

"My life is eternal.."

With confidence, Shawn Michaels uttered these words to The Undertaker days before Wrestlemania. He challenged The Undertaker desperately that prepared a grave to bury him. It was so disgusting for he made fun of it. Shawn Michaels was a typical blasphemy. He's portraying "Jesus" having eternal life and that he can defeat The Undertaker which he called "Evil" or the Prince of Darkness.

Then the battle came to reality. Shawn Michaels was introduced first. He mimicked The Undertaker's creepy introduction and attire. The only difference is that he's wearing white and he descended from up above. While The Undertaker ascended from below and just like the old days, still it was the best introduction ever.

Going 16-0 at this event, The Undertaker had a hard time battling with Shawn Michaels. It lasted for more than an hour, I think. Shawn Michaels fought so hard with the aim of defeating The Undertaker, thus making a history in Wrestlemania. He wanted to be remembered forever by the people and that is through The Undertaker's loss, 16-1 so he spoke.

Though The Undertaker did not finish the game in lesser time, yet he never forgot his ultimate goal - to keep his record "The Streak" clean. He may never knocked out Shawn Michaels at earlier time just like what he did to his previous opponent, yet He still did it. He proved to more than 72,000 people at Houston, Texas that he's still the The Undertaker and nobody could ever ever take his place.

Well, I guess Shawn Michael's life isn't really as eternal as The Undertaker's.

Hail The Undertaker ! ! !

JUST THIS MORNING..

2009-02-14T20:27:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes, recalling the hurtful memories of the past makes me laugh and wonder why I cried. However, it makes me realize that I really had loved. Though not with the perfect person and not at the perfect time, yet I had loved perfectly.."

I wake up late this morning unaware that I haven’t changed my yesterday’s clothes. I’m wondering why. Then I came to realize that we hopped to a bar last night, had a little drink and went home past midnight.

I’m afraid because I know my mother would reprimand me for many reasons. First, I didn’t ask her permission to go to the bar. Second, I drank beer – that’s prohibited! Third, I went home late, not to mention – the dawn is breaking already.

I slowly went out of my room and my mother interrogated me… Blah…blah…blah… she goes. Usually, when she’s doing that stuff, I would go back to my room and cry all day. But just this morning is different, I just answered her truthfully, told her everything. Maybe because she was shocked by my reactions, she uttered a high-pitched voice saying “ I'm gonna send you the Home of Streetchildren!”. To whom is she talking to? To a 10-year old girl? I just laughed at her. Then, my dad and my sister laughed too. My mom couldn't help but laughed too. We're all laughing just this morning.

Then I received text messages from my him, my boyfriend. I was so glad that I’m so excited to take a bath – refresh myself, eat breakfast which i don’t usually do, and go to my hide-out, to the internet café. I was overwhelmed with happiness.

Suddenly, he told me that he’s leaving.
I didn’t know what to do.
I felt as if I was physically and mentally blocked.
It seemed I died during that moment.
I burst into tears.

I went back to my bed. I left my food on the table. I didn't want to take a bath anymore. I didn't want to get up. I just wanted to cry the whole day.

Supposedly, I was to cry for my mother's reproof – but I laughed.
Supposedly, I was to smile for his text messages – but I wept.

Just this morning, a lot of things happened.
Just this morning, there was a sudden twist of my emotions.

I just wish I never had this morning at all.

Morning with Mandy

2009-02-08T02:40:00.000-08:00

I was working in call center before. Our supervisor at the same time our trainer instructed us to do a talk show by pairs. And guess what? We only have few minutes to prepare it! I named the show Morning with Mandy. I as Mandy and Faye as Faye Parker.

Mandy:
Hi everyone! Welcome to another episode of Morning with Mandy.

Do you believe that successful woman in her career is a loser when it comes to lovelife? I don’t know. We’ll find that out with our very special guest, the current CEO of the largest telecommunications company in Asia – Globally Smart Communications. Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s welcome the beautiful careerwoman Ms. Faye Parker!

Hi Faye! Have a seat please. How are you today?

Faye:
I’m feeling really good right now.

Mandy:
Wow, we can see that because you glow! What do you think is your asset for being chosen as the new CEO?

Faye:
Well, my secret to that is doing the best with my job all the time. I’m working very hard that sometimes, I don’t have time for my family.

Mandy:
Really? But with the success that you have right now, lots of people envy you. We’ve heard about you and your husband. Is the divorce really final? I hope you don’t mind me asking.

Faye:
It's fine. Actually it was already done, we are now legally separated. He doesn’t understand my job. But, I do understand him.

Mandy:
Oh, that must have been very frustrating for you sometimes.

Faye:
Yeah, sometimes.

Mandy:
Have you ever thought of having your family back?

Faye:
Yes. But not right now, although they are my inspiration as I am at the peak of my career.

Mandy:
What is the significance of your career in your life?

Faye:
Well, it has a great significance because it’s like a dream coming true. It is the sweet fruit of my bitter labor. Because of it, I am continuously learning at the same time sharing what I have learned to others.

Mandy:
So, can we say that you chose career over love for your family?

Faye:
Yes, partly. It is because while I’m doing good with my job, I didn’t realize that my family is chaotic already. But still, I love them and I have achieved all of these because of them. It’s just that sometimes we have to be hurt in order to be happy. That’s what happened to me.

Mandy:
Very well-said! We’ve learned a lot from you Faye. Again Congratulations! Thank you very much. I am very honored to have you here. Good luck to your career!

Luckily, I have never a choice between my lovelife and my career, but have any of you? If so, what did you choose? And if you did not, how would you weigh things to make a decision like this?

Be careful. Goodbye.

Cry Of A Filipino Nurse

2009-01-26T01:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Bing,

Work here is very hard, but dont worry if I can go to United States, it won’t be that hard. Its not good in here, because the money is from hand to mouth only. It’s so difficult. The pounds is very low. I really wanted to cry because it is hard work, very dead-tiring!

And you know what? Our employer is a racist and I hate it. It’s just that I can’t say anything. During our meeting, she tried to point out that the foreigner girls, the new girls (I am included) are the ones who caused the home to be so filthy. Oh my! We really wanted to scream. She kept on telling us in front of all the staff, “Do you understand what I am saying? You are nodding your heads as if you understand but then you don’t!”. We all wanted to walk out but we just can’t.

The following day, our nurse manager called me up and asked how I felt about the meeting. I told her I was very much disgusted and disappointed. I told her, this home is promoting anti-racist campaign but then, she (the owner) is talking other wise. I’m not happy after all with that meeting. We felt so dumb, moron and humiliated. I stressed to the manager that if she wanted to blame everything on us, why can’t she call us, Filipinos together, not humiliating us infront of other staff. We felt so stupid. I reiterated that we came here on student visa and we won’t be admitted to college if we didn’t pass the IELTS. With that alone proves that we are good in English.

I don’t know what kind of management this organization has. I don’t understand what labor policies this nation has. I don’t have a pinch of idea if foreigners in this country could cry out for our rights.

That’s the bad thing here. America after all is the best place to go.

Ate

Filipinos are going abroad to seek for greener pastures, to have a better future. But how better it is, if the future awaiting them is like this?

This is a letter from my cousin who is working as a nurse in Ireland. Now, you tell me… Is she going to have a better future? Are the pastures in Ireland really green?

You judge.

A Thought About U.S. RECESSION

2009-01-23T04:13:00.000-08:00

I found this piece of writing in my old notebook. I couldn’t even remember why I reached to the point of having a thought about US Recession.

There is no exact medication or solution for the upcoming US Recession. Though US Recession is not yet certain, the Arroyo Administration is already preparing some stimulus funds to serve as cushion for such impact. They provide tax breaks to impel on investments – and that increases public spending, right? They provide subsidies and discounts – and that means savings for consumers. At times like these, politicians will come into the picture for popularity’s sake. These are what we call short-term solutions. However, such solutions will result to an overstuffed budget deficit which is the negative consequence.

Well, the issue here is we may have these short-term gains but these will lead us to long-term pains.

I've Never Been To Me

2009-01-16T22:42:00.000-08:00

I really don't know what's with this song. It's just that, when it begins to play, it makes Nashville fall into deep slumber. I could remember somebody told me that my sisters Alfie Maria and Ana Marion used to sing this song when they were kids. They would use hairbrushes as microphones! How I wish I could go back to that scene and sing this song with them..

Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life. You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife. I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do. But, I wish someone had talked to me Like I wanna talk to you. Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run. I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun. But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free.

I've been to paradise
But I've never been to me..

Please lady, please lady, don't just walk away 'cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today. I can see so much of me still living in your eyes. Won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived million lies. Oh, I've been to Niece and the Isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht. I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got. I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see.

I've been to paradise,
but I've never been to me..

Hey, you know what paradise is?
It's a lie,
a fantasy we create about people and places
As we'd like them to be

But you know what truth is?
It's that little baby you're holding,
it's that man you fought with this morning
The same one you're going to make love with tonight

That's truth, that's love......

Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete. But I took the sweet life, I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet. I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free

Hey lady..
I've been to paradise,
But I've never been to me..

January 8

2009-01-09T19:48:00.000-08:00

To my Nanay Fely and Ate Alfie
To Faith, AM, and JZ
To Nashville and Nil
To my relatives and friends

Tatay Quezon and Tatay
Thank you so much
On this day I'm not getting older
But I am growing up..

FACADE

2009-01-09T05:22:00.000-08:00

Facade is a very intriguing word. This may mean an outer appearance of a building or structure. However, it also implies something different. According to Armida Rocha Sulit, facade is the front part of an edifice, thus metaphorically it is a mask. Yes, a personality to cover something bad or awful. In short – a FAKE.

It can be true as there are lots of facades in the world.

If someone is very good to you but when you turn back, he backbites you then he’s a facade. You are unaware that he’s thinking something ill about you. All the while you thought that you’re both good, yet such person is just using the outside personality. All the while you thought you’re both in common stance, yet actually he’s opposite. Meaning, he’s neither true to you nor to himself.

If he is only good to you when he needs help, he’s still a facade, right? He conceals what is really his negative personality. Like when he needs help or requests for something and that would be the time that he would be nice to you and would treat you like a king or a queen. What a technique!

Lots of facades are existing nowadays – maybe because of some reasons. To gain friends? Maybe. To be included in the elite clusters? Perhaps. Or just to take advantage of the people who are generous and ready to lend a hand or simply people who are nice. Possibly.

You really don’t know what kind of personality a person has. And you are dealing with them everyday. Well, it’s high time for you to assess your attitude because you might not know that you are the facade after all.

Think real hard.

The Poem Says It All

2008-12-22T04:02:00.000-08:00

“Father, I wanna go with you, please let me go with you…” I cried.

These were the last words I uttered to my father when he was about to leave. I remembered somebody called and told him to go to a particular place. That time, he didn’t allow me to go with him. He just told me that it was important and kids were not allowed. I cried so hard because that was the first time he said ‘no’. He used to take me to any place he goes - anywhere. I stopped crying when he promised that he would be back immediately – a day after and would bring a toy guitar. Ironically, he did not. I waited for days but still he’s not yet in. Until we heard over the radio that he was brutally killed by armed men. I was so confused, so shocked that I couldn’t help but deny to myself that it was my father. As I can recall, I told the people when we got his dead body, “ that’s not my father, my father is handsome.” I was just a toddler then.

The memories are still fresh in my mind. When I went back to our ancestral house, I could always think about my father. How did it happen? Why did they kill him? He was a very good man. I came across an old cabinet and saw some of his documents. Most of the sheets were tattered. There was one paper that caught my attention. It was a poem. He wrote it years ago – 1977. And as I read it, I was crying silently for the poem says it all.

EPILOGUE

Here I am now.
A man with life uncertain and insecure.
Fighting all odds of political existence.
I walk with DIFFERENT SHADOWS!
And I must learn to live with them.

In this world, there are those who are oppressed.
And there are those who are persecuted
because of their outlook -
towards our social structure…
towards the "SYSTEM"

But as to whether they can endure or resist
is a matter of how unrelenting their principles are -
or how strong their convictions are.

After the SHADOWS… What?
They will never stop shadowing - till they get me.
I’ll be living soon in darkness. Behind BARS perhaps.
Or inside a cold coffin.

But all threats - all intrigues could not cow us.
As long as we are still free to move - WE WILL MOVE.
As long as we still have life - WE WILL HOPE.
Yes, we still hope for a new day’s dawn.
The dawn of our freedom. FREE from dictatorial rule.
The dawn of justice. FREE from all brutalities.

My fate? I do not know what awaits me.
I only know I must be brave.

avr/11/03/77

Is She An Angel?

2008-12-20T21:15:00.000-08:00

There was this particular young woman. I hardly knew her. The first time I heard her name was three years ago, from a guy who was my colleague then. He kept on praising her name and he’s fond of talking about her and her life. I thought of her as a very mysterious person. I wondered who she really was.

Time passed and she was out of the picture anymore as I stopped thinking about her. Then, I indulged to into married life. It’s just that after the wedding I knew that the young woman has shared a big amount for the event. I was shocked for I never thought that she really did it and I did not hear even a single word from her. I wondered how she looked like.

I became pregnant. When she knew about it, she kept on sending stuff for the baby such as milk bottles, pillows, etc. I was very thankful then for we need not to prepare more for the baby. She also gave some things for me and my husband. She sometimes even bought food and everything. I wondered why she is doing all of these.

Then I delivered my baby. It was complicated as I was subjected to caesarian operation. The baby was in distress already for its heartbeat is getting slower. I couldn't even breathe that there are these pricking devices on hands and some air on my nose. The baby? Yes, the baby was safe, thanks God. However, he was subjected to phototherapy for there was a problem on blood compatibility. We stayed in the hospital for three days unaware that the bill is still big even though it has been deducted with my health security benefits already. That was the darkest time of my life that I couldn’t reach to anyone else but God. Suddenly, there was a way. The young woman paid almost half of the bill. The problem was solved and she was involved again. I wondered why she is so good.

Now, the baby is growing up and still receiving anything from the young woman. I, being so weak learned a lot from her, that sometimes I can say that I can count on God and on her. I do not worship her, yet there’s something in her that I can’t explain. I’m always pulling my courage and strength from her. She makes me strong in times of difficulties. She never counts what she had given and what she had helped. She’s fair as she listens to everybody. She fights for you if you are being stepped on. She’s smart. She’s beautiful. I am so happy to have known this young woman and I would spend the rest of my life showing her my gratitude. Until now, I’m wondering – is she an angel?

The Rosebud

2008-12-18T19:29:00.000-08:00

last feb. 3, 2007, during lotlot's birthday, i kept on thinking on what to give her as a gift until i fell asleep. when i woke up, i immediately had a pen and paper handy and began to write something about her. it was finished as a poem. simple as it was, yet for me, it was the best gift i had given her.

The whole wide world will never see
A magnificent masterpiece of God
You might be wondering what it could be
Let’s just say... it is a rosebud

A rosebud smelling fragrant and sweet
With colors that mystify its personality
Its lighter shades may mean decrepit
Yet its thorns are ready for any fray

The rosebud is wise and God-fearing
You already have the clue, haven't you?
She loves everyone and everything
Eureka.. that rosebud is Sarlyn Lou!