Wading through the fog

Overwhelmed

2011-12-18T14:07:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure where else to put this. I have coworkers that are on my facebook page.. Not just local ones from FCR, but one from Scotland, and the other from Idaho. I am already embarrassed, so no way am I putting it up for their inspection.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not looking for pity. Shame keeps me quiet.. but I need help, and I'm not sure where to turn. I have a hard time admitting this to anyone, and in fact have not invited people over because of this. My house is a wreck. Not just a little untidy...but mostly unlivable. 90% of my dishes are in boxes..dirty.

Over the past 10 years I've accumulated so much junk and now I'm overwhelmed with it. I can't put it outside in my little storage shed as there's a very good chance it will either mold, or be eaten by mice and rats. I can't keep it in here..there's just no room. I can't just throw it out.. I need most of it...or somewhere in my hoarding mind, I think I need it, or want to hold onto it for Morgan's sake. Old wedding pictures... yeah, Morgan might want to see these... Clothing that my grandma gave me that is about a dozen sizes too small, yeah.. these wont take much room in my closet. I may lose weight some day, I'll hold onto these just in case... Morgan's clothes from all the way back to preemie newborn... I'll donate these...some day......

Christmas is in one week. I'm supposed to have people here. Dave.. his girlfriend.. who knows who else is going to show up. My family is used to my pack-rat ways.. other people, not so much. I finally got my tree up... but all I did was push junk from that spot to the other spot so I could move a couch around. Now I have to figure out how to rearrange the furniture to make the space livable again and to unbury my couches. I know HOW to do this.. I just have no motivation left. Even knowing people are coming, and that this will likely be the last day I can take care of stuff here...I've just lost my will and my care. :(

Everything changes

2011-09-07T18:25:00.000-07:00

Two months ago life seemed about as perfect as it could get.
I had a mini-vacation and beach memorial planned.
I had money in the bank and food in the house.
I had a grandpa who spoke to me.
I had nights of wonderful sleep.
I went on vacation with my family. It was amazing. The beach was beautiful and the weather was perfect. The day before I planned on coming home, my sister and I decided to go out to see some falls. I was following her family out. I was unfamiliar with the area and the traffic, and I pulled out in front of a Charter Communications truck.
I saw it just a bit too late and he hit my rear tire. my first thought was Morgan. Once I was certain she was ok, I glanced at the other driver. Thankfully no one was majorly injured. Morgan had bruised ribs, and I have some lingering nerve issues. (Numbness and tingling)
It cost me $200 to tow the car home, the cost of a new car seat, and the $500 deductible to get my car back. There was $4,890 in damage done to my car after it was done.
My car insurance almost doubled, and even after 2 months, I still haven't caught back up. I'm broke...dead broke. I tried to swipe my debit for a bottle of water today and was declined. Checking my account balance shows 48 cents left.
I barely have food in the house for myself. I do make sure Morgan is well fed though. Even when that means I go hungry, which lately has been a lot more than I'd like. There are days at work that my stomach growls so hard it hurts and I wonder if the people on the phone, or sitting next to me can hear it.
I've had friends and coworkers tell me if I needed anything to let them know. I can't say anything about it at work, because to admit something like this would destroy what shred of self esteem I still have left. I live in fear that someone is going to ask me if I'm ok..or if I'm hungry.
One of my coworkers shared part of her lunch with me a few days ago. It took everything I had not to go into the bathroom and cry.
I really do have nothing left. I get WIC, foodstamps ($60 goes almost nowhere) and now, I will be forced to turn to foodbaskets to try to keep food in my house.
I feel like a horrible mom...like I'm failing and have no support or help.
I mention to Dave that Morgan needs food, but I don't think he even realizes how bad things are. Any time I even halfway mention I need help, its like he tunes it out and just starts telling me how bad things are for him. Yes, I have a car and a place to stay, BUT I'm FUCKING STARVING. Don't get me wrong, he's in a tough spot too... I guess I just haven't made it fully clear before now.
I'm also not sleeping. Between stressing out and worrying about money and food all the time I lay here wide awake until 2, sometimes 3...or if I do sleep it is short bursts and then I snap wide awake again.
My grandpa ...I can't even go into that right now. I can only hope that he truly sees what's going on around him before it is too late.
I'm a wreck...mentally, emotionally and physically. I don't know how much more I can take.

RIP Caylee Anthony

2011-07-05T23:52:00.000-07:00

I am sure a lot of people are talking about the Casey Anthony trial today.

When my grandma first moved up here from California, we would hang out watching her favorite TV shows. Nancy Grace was one of those. During our visits, I would get dragged into the story of a little girl, right around Morgan's age, who disappeared. We watched it religiously as new evidence trickled in. The partying, the lies, the tattoo, the smell of death in her car.. more lies. Then came the heartbreak when they found the poor little girl tossed out like trash in the swamp.

I watched videos on this trial. I looked at pictures.. that precious little girl reminds me so very much of Morgan. I'm not sure why, possibly because they were close to the same age at the time of her death. It breaks my heart to think about Caylee.

I admit it, as a single mom I do get frustrated at times. This is one of the hardest jobs I've ever had. I'm constantly second guessing myself. I'm constantly worried, and wondering how Morgan will act as she gets older. I'm terrified of something happening to her, because she is my miracle baby. I do find myself having to turn down invites to go do things because I have a 2 year old. During all of this, the thought that I'd be better off without Morgan in my life has not and will NEVER cross my mind.

I fought with everything I had to have Morgan. I lost babies, I lost her twin.. I spent time in bed on mandatory bed rest. I wanted her with everything I had in me. My life would not be complete without her. How any person could snuff that spark out of a tiny life is beyond me.

After watching all the evidence, looking at the photos, and hearing all the trial I feel like I knew little Caylee. I know I did not. I know this trial was not about me. I do not blame the jurors for their verdict. It was the prosecution's job to prove without a doubt that Casey Anthony killed her daughter. Unfortunately, I think they caused more questions than were answered.

In my opinion, Casey's mother and father both knew something was going on. Cindy Anthony lied on the stand, and got away with it. She also did not honor her granddaughter's life. George Anthony was a cop. He smelled death in the car and yet did nothing.

My heart is heavy tonight. I am not a Christian person. Spiritual, but I can not say religious. I do believe there is a special place in hell for people that abuse or hurt children. I also believe that while Casey Anthony may be getting out of jail soon, she will never truly be free of what she has done.

I hope everyone who was involved in the disappearance, death, and disposal of Caylee Anthony never forgets and the guilt eats them. I hope they try to find happiness, but it always eludes them. I hope their families and friends abandon them. I hope they die alone, with no one to care for them or remember them after they are gone.

Rest in peace Caylee. I hope some day Justice is served, and the true story of what happened comes out.

Photography Page!

2011-06-22T18:51:00.000-07:00

My photography studio page is up on Facebook. Please come check it out, and LIKE it ;D

30 day challenge = FAIL

2011-06-17T15:17:00.000-07:00

I failed miserably. My computer decided to break down on me a week or two into my 30 day challenge. :( While incredibly bummed about that I guess it did work out. The past few weeks have been so busy, I haven't had time to think about blogging. I do have my computer back again! I'm excited to have a working computer because honestly, while I love my Android phone.. browsing the internet on it really sucks most of the time. No copy/paste options, and I still can't figure out how to save images from the web.

Let's see, what new stuff can I update? :D In the last month since I wrote last a lot has happened actually.

I quit smoking. Again. This time it's for good. It's been 38 days since my last cigarette. I admit, every so often I have this major craving and want one desperately, but I haven't had one. Some days it's so bad I can tell you the hours and minutes since I've had one. I've even had nights where I would dream about lighting up. I'd dream about the taste the cloves left on my lips, the crackle the cigarettes would make when I inhaled.. all of it. It was usually after waking up from those dreams that my craving was most intense.

One of my best friends moved away. I'm still heartbroken, and yes.. I still cry about it. :): <---This symbol may end up being my next tattoo. Yeah.. you affected me that much :) I'm SUPER excited because I do get to go visit him soon.

Other exciting things coming up... This weekend I'm taking Morgan to her first ever Frog-o-Faire. I think she was sick last year, and I wasn't able to take her. I don't know why I am so excited about this, but I am. I also am going to spend a little time with a friend, which could be cool. I'm also hoping to get to go to EdgeFest 2011 Saturday night.

Next week my friend is coming back to FCR. I'm REALLY happy to see his smiling face back at work. That weekend is my nephew's 5th birthday party! His Grandma will be up from California, and the weather is going to be beautiful. Sunday is Father's Day. I don't have any real plans for that day, other than packing up some stuff and cleaning.

The next weekend (First weekend of July) I get to go see Kenny!! :D I'm SUPER excited about getting to see him again. I'll be back home late Sunday night and then celebrate the 4th with my family.

I also have a week long trip coming up in July. I'll be visiting the beach, a few lighthouses, the Maritime Museum, The Goonies House (YAY) and a few other places, along with saying goodbye to someone who I love.

So, I apologize for not being around. Life is crazy hectic lately but I am still alive. :) I'll be posting some new pictures of the munchkin, and also of the beach trip we had last weekend. I hope you all have an awesome weekend.

Stalkers Pt. 2 (cont)

2011-05-10T15:51:00.000-07:00

I've finally managed to come back to my stalker story. Just to recap, I have a woman who has been stalking me for years. She's super friendly, over religious, and basically harmless. She just has a hair fetish, and that seems to be all she talks about! :)

I also recently had a male stalker. He, wasn't so harmless. I'm not saying he would have hurt me.. I just did not give him the chance to find out. Recap..I joined this dating site months ago. *gasp* ...I know.. a dating site. So, when I joined, I didn't put a whole lot of info up, and to be completely honest the only reason I joined the site was a friend had put up a profile. He wanted me to review it and see what I thought of his ad.

Shortly afterward, I deactivated the account and forgot about it. Fast forward a few months and I had gotten an email from them telling me I had new matches and basically begging me to come back and review their site. Boredom won over sense, and I reopened my account. This particular site allowed you to state in specific terms what you were looking for. You had the choices of intimate encounter, friends with benefits, hanging out, activity partners, friends, dating, serious relationship, or marriage. I had so many things going on, and really I just wanted to look to see who I might have known on the site. (Point and laugh, you know) So I listed I was only looking for friends. I also plainly stated this in my description. I even added a few of my pictures.

Within minutes, I was seeing responses. I was shocked. The responses weren't all looking for dating/relationships or sex. In my profile I plainly stated that ..yeah.. I'm fat. I have big hips, rear and thighs and if they were tied up in image, they could look elsewhere. I had a few that were just compliments. They even stated "Hey, I don't want to come off as creepy, or gross. I do not see a fat girl in your pictures. I see a tall, beautiful woman." ...Color me pleasantly surprised. (Ok, no.. really.. shocked!) :)

So, one day I get an email saying I had some new matches. I decide to go check them out. I'm a little amused to find one of my matches is a coworker. Not a bad guy, but I don't think I'm emo/goth enough for him. :) ...Anyway, at the time I was looking, it told me he was online and I could click to chat with him. I thought, what the hell. I clicked on their little chat and said "Wow...how awkward is this, that out of all the people here it would be YOU to show up in my match list" ...well, he didn't respond, I minimized the window and pretty much forgot about it until hours later when I shut down my computer. As I closed it, I got a little pop-up saying "We're sorry he did not respond to your chats, we will send him an email telling him you were interested in him".. My heart... dropped. LOL Not saying there is anything wrong with him by any means.. I just wasn't "Interested" in him like that. I sat there staring at that little screen for an hour wondering what I'd do at work the next day... if he'd think things.. be repulsed.. be interested.. disgusted...ect. I opted to send him a message on facebook. I explained what had happened, and told him I was not hitting on him or anything. I went to bed nervous...was even more nervous at work the next day.

As soon as he logged in the next day he messaged me to tell me the dating site had never notified him that I was trying to chat with him. So, I could have saved myself the worry and embarrassment and not said anything to him! Later in the week, I was talking with my sister about the whole situation, and she wanted to see what he looked like. I decided to wade through 52 pages of profiles. If any of them jumped out at me, or I found interesting I'd open them in a new tab to look at later. Well, for some reason I never did find my coworker's profile...but I did find this guy who had an interesting heading and he was wearing some steampunk head gear that I wanted to look at a little closer. When I pulled up his profile, there was a list of 20 different bands that he liked. I hadn't heard of half of them, so I added him to my favorites tab so I could look up the bands later. His pictures weren't too shabby.. he had pretty eyes, a handful of tattoos and piercings, and overall seemed to like a lot of the same things I did. Being shy, I probably never would have contacted him.

Before I even had closed his profile, I had 2 messages in my inbox from him. We ended up talking for awhile there, and then I added him on facebook so we didn't have to email back and forth, we could chat. Within a week or so we were texting. He seemed pretty nice, and he was constantly texting and sending little notes. I just figured he was really interested. My birthday was coming up, and he lived in Medford. I had planned on going to a Flea Market in Medford on my birthday. I decided that would be a good day to meet him. It would be a public place, and I had friends there at the market, so I felt safe. When I pulled up and saw him, I did not even recognize him at first. It was only his tattoos that made me realize who he was. I do not care about a person's appearance. Obviously, I'm a big girl too, but, my profile pictures reflect what I look like currently....not 4 years ago. The person I met had gained over 180lbs since taking his last pictures. It surprised me, but I figured it was ok. We wandered around the Flea Market and talked.. I found a few cool things to bring home with me. As I was leaving I offered him a ride home. He barely fit in my car... and then once there, he kept putting his hand over on my thigh. Whoa buddy. My profile still clearly states I am only looking for friends. I wasn't sure what to say, but I moved my hand back to the stick shift and made it uncomfortable for him to keep his hand there, so he moved it.

We talked about a lot of things during the day. My fear of men, and intimacy came up, and I actually told him that I have a hard time kissing someone unless I'm very into them. This came out in conversation not even 20 minutes before I dropped him off at his house. During the few hours we hung out, I thought I'd made it clear I was only looking for friends...and I did not want any physical interactions. When I dropped him off, he asked me if I'd give him a hug. I figured I was safe enough. When I got close, he grabbed me by the back of the head and deep throat kissed me so hard I was gagging on his tongue. I started pushing away from him and when he finally realized I was not enjoying it he backed off, and apologized for being so aggressive. He said "I don't know what came over me, but I really ..really like you". I just brushed it off and left.

I continued talking to him online, and via text over the next week. He kept begging me to come spend the weekend with him in Medford. I told him that I would not stay the night with him, but I would come over and hang out to watch a movie or something. After I started thinking about his behavior the last time I saw him.. I put him off. I told him I had something come up. I was afraid that if I was at his house alone, and drank I could be in trouble. The fact that he was able to pretty much force me to kiss him when I was sober scared me.

I avoided him. I didn't return txts.. and in one night from 1:30am when I shut off my phone until 8pm the following night when I checked it again I had gotten over 82 text messages from him. The final one said "Hey, it's been 36 hours and 12 minutes since I've heard from you last. Is everything ok?" ...I snapped. I told him he was making me uncomfortable. I told him I wasn't someone who would just jump into bed with someone, and that kissing me like that had been a little inappropriate considering he knew that I was not interested in anything but friends. After he continually begged me to change my mind and "make a leap" with him.. I deleted and blocked him from my friends list on yahoo, facebook and the dating web site, and blocked his number from calling me or texting me. How do I end up attracting all the creepy, scary guys?!

Absences

2011-05-09T20:13:00.000-07:00

This past week has been pretty rough for me. There was a huge family drama... My bestest buddy moved away, and to top it all off I'm having computer problems. I apologize for that, and hope life will be settling down this week. :)

:'( ..... :):

2011-05-07T02:53:00.000-07:00

<3 Just for you kiddo. I still can't even talk (type) about it.

Raging ball of hate.

2011-05-06T01:09:00.000-07:00

Ok, I need to get this out NOW or my dreams will be ugly.
I will post more later that may explain this further..
but.
How childish do you really need to be? You are destroying my family, and my life. Tonight you pushed my tolerance and even temperedness to the limit. I am done with your childish fucking games. I am done with you having a vice grip around your husbands balls and the fact that you've all but beat him down to half the man he was before. I'm done with the fact that the tongue he now uses is dictated by your rules, and what you say is right. I am done with your pettyness.
No one else has the guts to stand up to you.. but guess what honey.. you done pissed me off tonight and I will have no problem telling you EXACTLY what no one else has the balls to tell you.
.....Tomorrow.. because I'm way too tired tonight. *sigh*

Slacking

2011-05-03T22:07:00.001-07:00

Over the last few days I've had a mental break down..spent almost a full day in bed crying. I've spent a full night in the bathroom throwing up... and now am having computer issues, so.. I apologize for the slacking on the blog posts. I'll do my best in the next couple days to work on a few posts during down time at work, instead of playing puzzle games! :)

real quick :)

2011-04-29T20:14:00.000-07:00

So..this is just going to be a quickie blog because I have plans tonight and am not sure when I'll be home. Since I was a bad blogger last night, I want to post before I go. :)

And ..now I sit here.... I have about 3 more posts I'm working on but they aren't quick by any means.
So.. instead I'll just say YAY for sunshine this weekend! I will be moving my things out of Dave's house and into my storage shed... moving in the right direction.

I got rid of my stalker (longer blog about this later) ..and I just feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. That, and progress on finalizing my divorce?...yeah, good mood.

Missed a post

2011-04-29T08:24:00.001-07:00

Bad blogger...no donut

late nights

2011-04-28T00:21:00.000-07:00

I had this really awesome post rolling around in my head...but life sorta caught up with me and I find it's way past my bedtime. I will post tomorrow, but for now.. a pic share.. a few of my favorite pics of Morgan that I happened to find in my photobucket account.

Minutes old

3 weeks old

1 month

being protected by my chihuahua

3 months old

Confused! :)

Meeting Great Grandma

First Coast trip :)

My brother's wedding

My little Bug

meeting Charlie for the first time! It's love at first sight!

I could seriously go on for hours with this... but for now, I found my smile again and am ready for bed.

2011-04-26T22:52:00.000-07:00

I was browsing one of my favorite food related sites, The Pioneer Woma n.. oh who am I kidding, I love this whole site. Ree has to be one of the few people I idolize. She's smart.. funny.. a great cook, not to mention beautiful and living the ranch life I would love to live!! :) ANYway... I happened to stumble across a few new recipes that made me excited about the prospect of cooking again. While there I was browsing the pictures of her horses, and her family. It made me almost wistful.

I do miss ranch life. I miss getting up in the morning as the sun was coming up and tossing hay. The sweet smell of the hay, mixing with the sharp smell of alfalfa and dust in the barn. I miss those faces the horses would make when you scratched and rubbed their bellies. I love the smell of a warm horse.. Only someone who has been around horses enough can really know what I'm talking about. The smell of a horse that has worked. Or even one that has been standings still in the sun...droopey eyed and dipped headed. It's hard to describe, and most of the people who read this are probably going to look at me funny now! lol :)

I miss the routine that came with riding. The combing, picking, brushing. That quiet, empty feeling that came over me as I prepped my horse to ride. Not lonely, not by any means lonely... just quiet, but filled with purpose. I think I loved my horse most after we had ridden. The peaceful solitude that came with just leaning against her after a ride and feeling her breathe. Supra was a beautiful horse. I was heartbroken when I had to put her down.. but that's a story for another time.

Supra San Dee - Last show of her career

Supra - retired, meeting Morgan

You notice the word quiet when I talk or think about life on the ranch. It was. It was always filled with little noise. Stuff most people wouldn't notice. The sounds of a mouse running over the top of the hay bales... the little sighs the mares would make. The scrape of hooves against hard packed ground. The happy little nickers and calls the horses would make as you started shifting bales of hay around. The barn cats purring as you walked past and ran a hand over them. The deer seeing you toss out that first flake of hay and bounding over the fencing, their bodies making a soft swish sound as they ran through the woods. It was peaceful. It was quiet. It was totally mine because most of the time I was alone out there.

Sometimes I still crave that quiet solitude...the little sounds.. the happy noises.. and the way the world would blur into nothing when I gave Supra her reins and we flew.

i am

2011-04-25T21:32:00.001-07:00

i am

i am a crazy chameleon

wishing i could find a way to

confine myself to one color

wishing i wasn’t lost every time i found you

i am a disconnected telephone

voices inside of me screaming

with no one listening

to the nonsense and the dreaming

i am an abandoned house

crumbling from the inside out

crying for the people who never stay

missing smiles i fear and love that i doubt

i am the one never chosen

i am desperate despondent and lonesome

and maybe i should not admit it

but my light is fading and my heart lies broken

i am crushing myself

under the weight of a lost spring

i am losing myself

in the rainstorms my summers always bring

Nightmares

2011-04-24T13:25:00.001-07:00

Would it surprise you to know I don't sleep well? How about the fact that I have had violent, graphic, blood and death filled nightmares...often.

We're talking at least 3 nights a week but closer to 4 or 5. Almost every night for the last 10 years. They aren't always the exact same dream but they all share the same story line.

Chances are if you are a man who I've spoken more than a time or two you've been in one of these dreams. Sorry Kenny...even you..Even people I know aren't any sort of threat to me. Not always the star feature guy...but there.

Its strange to me how horrible they are and the people who I find in them. What's stranger is there is only one guy in the past few years that I have known for awhile that has never shown up. Does it mean anything? Not so sure....just that my brain hasn't put out a new casting call yet I guess.

I usually wake up startled and after awhile I'm able to settle down fairly quickly. Last night...not so much.. Last night I woke with a scream bubbling out of my throat and trying to kick the latest boogey men away from me. Sadly these boogey men were Kenny and Jesse...but not Jesse as he was...Jesse as he would be now, 2 months after his death.

I'm not sure what I kicked but I have one hell of a bruise today. Its actually sorta sore to walk. I wish I could find a way to turn these dreams off. They ruin my whole day and today is supposed to be a family day ...with smiles..pictures...family...friends and love. I'm just having a really hard time finding my smile today.

Easter

2011-04-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

Saturday night we set up the kids Easter stuff for Sunday. Morgan's basket looks a little... shabby. :( I remember Easters from when I was a kid. For a few months/weeks before Easter my mom would buy ice cream. Not just any ice cream, but these huge plastic tubs of it. We'd love the fact that we got the special treat, and mom would squirrel away the tubs after we were finished. Easter morning, we would see our Easter "Baskets"....these ice cream tubs. They were overflowing with little candies and treats.

Looking back it makes me realize how much my parents did sacrifice for us.

Stalkers?

2011-04-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

Over the years I've had a few stalkers. I'm not writing about my latest tonight. He's completely another story. LOL ...

So... 7ish years ago, I was randomly contacted by a woman on yahoo messenger. To this day, I'm really not sure how she found me...but she seemed nice at first. I guess they all seem nice at first. I'll call her Chatty Kathy (to protect the innocent, of course) So I get an IM from Mrs. Chatty Kathy on yahoo messenger and she says she's looking for new friends. Now that I think back, she may have found me on a penpal site. (I used to write snail mail to over 10 people on a weekly basis, and I think she saw me there)

She was ...well.. Chatty. Within 2 hours I knew her life story. She talked about hair a lot. How much she loved hair.. in fact sometimes our conversations went as follows:

   Chatty: So, I see that you have long, long HAIR.
   Chatty: I love long hair.
   Chatty: HAIRHAIRHAIR :)
   Me: yeah, it's about midback now.
   Chatty: OHHH I LOVE HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
   Chatty: Can you say that word for me?
   Me: .....? What word?
   Chatty: HAIR!
   Me: .................hair?
   Chatty: OMG I LOVE HAIR, really long hair. I love to play with it, rub it, wrap myself up in it.. I LOVE HAIR! Do you think we could meat some time and you would let me brush and pet your really really long HAIR??
   Me: ............

Well..... you get the point. Sure, we talked about other stuff. Her marriage..my marriage.. religious beliefs, sexual preference.. About a month later she was sort of freaking me out with all the hair talk. I avoided her as much as possible. Just seeing her name log onto Yahoo Messenger kinda gave me a queasy feeling in my tummy. ...but at the time Dave was in jail and I didn't have many friends, or anyone to talk to during the day. So, I talked with Chatty Kathy.

I tried to keep her contained to Yahoo Messenger. Google can be a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, Mrs. Chatty used it to track down every profile I have ever had online and friend requested them all. She somehow managed to track down my phone number, and even tried calling me a few times. At one point, I had a paid adult site. You had to pay money to access it. Quite a bit of money actually. It was pretty awkward when she found me there, but then it freaked me out when she became a paid subscriber to my site. I had no clue how to handle her. I was polite, and eventually ended up changing servers and sites to keep her away. I deleted and blocked her from my yahoo messenger, icq, and MSN. It was a few years before I heard from her again.

Within the past year, she's managed to find me on Facebook. Being the person I am, (too nice to people) I added her. She still goes on and on about how we met one time on accident at a Pilot station years and years ago, and how she can't wait to hang out again, and about how she wants to touch and play with my hair...but I am able to keep her at arms length for the most part.

There's a guy from work that I hang out with every so often. He's pretty cool, but there is part of me that is terrified that I'm coming off like Mrs. Chatty Kathy to him. I'm always terrified that I'm overstaying my welcome, and I feel incredibly awkward half the time I'm there. He's one of the first guys that I'm not terrified to look in the eyes, and actually talk to. He doesn't bleed into my nightmares like every other guy I know.. (another story....another time) and there is no sexual tension with him at all (don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that he's not attractive...he is, but he doesn't freak me out like most guys do on that level). I really like the fact that I met a guy who I actually like, that I can just be myself for. I don't have to second guess everything he does, or says. I don't think he's always completely honest with me, because I've asked if I make him nervous (in my mind wondering if I make him feel like Mrs. Chatty Kathy made/makes me feel) and I'll see something pass over his eyes for a second before he says no. (Possibility that I'm just imagining it.. lol..who knows.) I can say that he's one of the better friends I've ever had. I just hope that somewhere, deep down he's not just being too nice to me.

...to be continued...

cotton

2011-04-20T22:20:00.000-07:00

my senses are dulled and blurred.. my mouth stale.. tongue thick.
I feel like I'm missing something, but I'm too cotton-headed to figure out what it is.

confused

2011-04-19T23:02:00.000-07:00

Why do I suddenly feel like I've betrayed you in some way?..

(these little one liners should probably go on something like twitter...which I don't use... or facebook, ..where I don't want them seen.. for now..sorry they're going here.)

Daily Challenge

2011-04-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

I've decided to challenge myself. At least one blog posting every day for at least 30 days.

I know it's going to be hard. I would start tonight, but I've managed to depress myself again. This really needs to stop. I need sunshine.. I need laughter.. I need love. Yeah.. that's a big part of my problem.

I let myself get caught up way too fast, and then being shocked and hurt when I realize the person I've been thinking about is repulsed by the thought of anything serious with me. I'm not saying that's what has happened recently.

In fact, I did meet a guy. The sad part of it is... I just don't feel anything towards him. Is it because most of my heart is already occupied and I'm just not willing to let go yet? There is one guy who gives me that roller-coaster ride feeling deep in my stomach every time we talk or any time I get an unexpected text from him. I tend to be empathetic though...and sadly I've picked up on the not interested vibe.. almost a fear coming from him at times.

So, instead I reactivated a dating site I signed up for awhile ago. I've gotten (VERY surprised) quite a bit of attention there lately. The guy I met was from this site. Over the past few days after meeting him I reset my profile to seeking friends only. I have also told the guy I am only wanting friends...but I'm too late...he seems hooked by me and I'm not really sure how to get those claws free. He seems nice, and we do have a lot in common. I just don't feel anything there. He kissed me...which was..well, I'm not going there..let's leave it at that.. no.

The thought of trying at dating someone truly terrifies me. Then, I wonder, is it fear? The last 2 relationships haven't been good to me. (The last 3 if you count Kal....which I really don't. He was more of the wrong guy at the right time. I admit a few regrets on that one.) So the last ...what? 12 years? 13? Have been spent in misery, and pretty much alone. I'm not saying all 8 with Dave were bad. We had some fun..we had some good times.. but I still felt alone most of the time. I seem to be stuck. Terrified to be alone, but unwilling to take the leap and take a chance.

Hmm...look at that. I guess I did have something to write about.

Parenting

2011-04-19T21:59:00.000-07:00

I've read a lot of Single Dad Laughing's blog lately. Today's made me cry. In fact, all 4 blogs in that series hit me hard and made me cry. I hope I am not that kind of parent when Morgan grows older. I would hate to think of her turning to someone on the internet, rather than me. :( *sigh*

you're fucking kidding me right?

2011-04-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

You know what I wish?

I wish smart, beautiful girls would get their heads out of their asses and realize the fucktards they are with.. yeah... the ones that beat them up...hurt them, and break their bones ...HAVE NO FUCKING GOOD SIDE!

I'm sorry, they are rotten to the core. I am sorry that you think you deserve the shit he dishes out to you. I'm horrified that you think you that you can't get better than him.

I'm sorry that I refuse to be the maid of honor at this wedding. I do not support domestic violence, abusive assholes, or the "love" you say you have with him. It's fucked up. I will not be there to help scrape you from the pavement anymore. Until you open your eyes and realize what he's doing to you...you are beyond help. I can't help you if you don't reach for it. I've been right here... holding my hands out to you.. my arms open. I've mendedr broken wings... cleaned your scrapes, washed away the blood. I'm done enabling you. GROW THE FUCK UP AND REALIZE HE IS GOING TO KILL YOU SOME DAY!

Little black storm cloud

2011-04-13T14:50:00.001-07:00

I'm so irritated right now I just want to cry. :(

Broke

2011-04-09T00:15:00.001-07:00

Broke

a cold night

followed the beautiful day

that i once again

spent alone

i went outside

underneath the clear skies

the vast stars

and felt small

unnoticeable

i went back inside

within my walls

lonely and depressed

and knew i had nothing

but myself

i am broke

and it has nothing to do

with money