Waffles In My VCR

60 Minutes: A Hog's Struggle

2008-06-10T20:48:35-04:00

With Season 3 of The Muppet Show being released on DVD last month, I figure now is a good time to share this.

Hilarious stuff. Poor Miss Piggy. She fell so far so fast. Maybe the DVD release will get her some work. Or there's always that new Muppet movie Jason Segel is supposed to be writing. If only she can smash her meth lab and get herself together in time. Here's hoping Miss Piggy can make a come back. I miss her, and seeing her like this is just depressing and sad.

Conviction Carano

2008-06-04T18:20:00-04:00

In case you missed it, or want to see it again, here's the fight between Gina Carano (aka Crush) and Kaitlin Young. Crush wins, of course. Here she is kicking this chick's ass.

Totally brutal. She practically rearranged this chick's face. She looks destroyed. Crush is amazing. But my question is how can someone so attractive, feminine, mild mannered, smart, young, goofy, articulate, smart, etc. be such a freaking BEAST. This woman turned into a caged animal. And I loved every minute of it.

How are any of the shoddy second rate contenders on AG supposed to beat her when other professional fighters can't even beat her? The answer is they're not supposed to beat her, and they won't. If Crush is ever defeated I will be shocked. It's almost unfair. But I'm too obsessed with her to care.

Crush you are officially my hero. You're everything I want, and everything I want to be all at the same time. Marry me. Just give me a chance. I'll stay at home with the kids and cook you dinner, wash your spandex corset, polish your pugil stick, anything. I'm here for you.

And now, I'm officially obsessed and it's borderline creepy.

Who is The Mole?

2008-06-02T03:49:05-04:00

Tonight (Monday), at 10pm est, The Mole premieres. And I am kinda pumped, seeing as this show hasn't been on for a good four or five years, and it's one of my favorites. Not to mention the fact that it's completely underrated and under appreciated.

And it's one of the only smart reality shows (maybe THE only). But that's what sets it apart. Now I love my trashy, brainless reality shows, but there's something to be said about a reality show that manages to be intelligent and classy. I know intelligent and classy aren't words normally associated with such, and some people who hate the whole genre of 'reality TV' are already turned off by the thought of this, but just trust me on this one, ok?

Do yourself and me and favor and watch. Just check it out once. Because I think pretty much anyone can appreciate and get into this show. You might even end up having to think and flex a few brain cells in the process. And if you hate it, well you can just beat me up and never watch it again.

I may do recaps depending on how much I enjoy it and how much good material there is to mine, but then again I've fallen down on the job already with other things so who's to say I'm not just completely full of crap? You should watch it though just to be safe. I mean if I do you'll want to know what the hell I'm talking about. And it's better to be safe than sorry, right?I really don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Just watch the stupid show, thanks.

PS - I realize I didn't explain the concept of the show, but I think you're probably smart enough to figure it out from, you know, the name of it being The Mole. Or you can just watch and see for yourself. Just saying. (I really should get a job in advertising or telemarketing. I'm ridiculous.)

I've got my spine, I've got my orange Crush

2008-05-31T02:46:01-04:00

Tell me that's not the sweetest thing you've ever seen, and you're not human. Or maybe you're just not as completely obsessed and enamored with Crush as I am. And if that's the case, shame on you. What the hell is your problem? This is the most perfect woman on the face of the planet. I mean she got teary eyed when a guy with fake fangs sang Happy Birthday to her, for Pete's sake. She is adorable. I'm pretty much in love with her. I would marry her tomorrow. Elope, shot gun wedding in Vegas style.

Ok, now that I'm done completely fantarding, on to the point of this. And the point of this is.... drum roll please......

to remind you that tonight, on CBS, Gina Carano will be appearing in an MMA fight. Yes, Crush's real name is Gina Carano and she is a mixed martial arts fighter who will hopefully beat this other chicks ass tonight. The fights are on between 9 and 11pm on CBS, so if you're like me and you're going out and/or don't want to watch the entire thing, make sure to press record on your DVR/Tivo/VCR. (Do most people even have VCRs anymore? Waffles in my VCR?)

I'm quite excited to see Crush/Gina/whatever the hell her real name and identity is do her thing for real, and not in the context of the ridiculousness of Gladiators. I'm so used to her dominating though, I'm afraid I might cry if this other girl hurts my lover, or God forbid, wins. I think Gina's got this though. I mean, she's Crush. The whole country, or at least everyone in the country with a lick of sense, is in love with her. And there love for her will only grow when they see her pummel some bitch in the face and win this fight. Oh man, I'm getting hot and bothered just thinking about it. I can't wait.

Definitely check this fight out. And if you're like me and can't get enough of the girl wonder, check out this article as well. It'll tide you over until the fight starts. And make you even more obsessed, no doubt.

It's A Match

2008-05-30T20:05:48-04:00

Now this is what I call a quality game show spoof.

Who knew SNL, and Shia LaBeouf, could be so hilarious? This had me rolling. Although I suppose it's funnier if you're well familiar with Match Game and know who these people are supposed to be, but then you'd be a huge dork like myself so maybe you're better off if you're only vaguely familiar. The characters are perfect, especially Brett Somers and Charles Nelson Reilly (who is more Paul Lynde from Hollywood Squares for some reason, but who really cares). This needs to be a regular skit. I mean considering the original and the intentional and unintentional hilarity of Match Game, there's a wealth of material to make fun of. I mean this skit practically wrote itself, didn't it? More please, SNL. At least more game show parodies at the very least. This is quality, grade A comedy right here.

Wocka Wocka

2008-05-26T14:10:50-04:00

Last Tuesday The Muppet Show Season 3 was released on DVD.

Normally I would have pre-ordered this on Amazon about a month ago, and I'd be thoroughly enjoying it right now, but I'm broke as a joke so I don't own it at this time. Wah wah. (Though I've got a birthday coming up, so ya know, I'm sure it will show up somewhere.)

Just because I'm lazy and can't afford it yet doesn't mean you can't. I highly recommend you go and pick this up, even if you are just a casual fan. Season three is when the show really seemed to hit its stride and come into its own. It's also when the show started to get popular enough to have actual bona fide stars, such as Gilda Radner, Raquel Welch, Liberace, Loretta Lynn, Sylvester Stallone, etc etc.

The Alice Cooper episode is worth the price of admission alone. Definitely one of my favorites. If you are a fan, even just a casual Alice fan such as myself, this is a must see. Alice Cooper singing School's Out and Welcome To My Nightmare and interacting with The Muppets? So bad ass.

So do yourself a huge favor and go out and pick this up. Or else Miss Piggy will go all medieval on your ass. A scream and a karate chop right to your gut. It won't be pretty.

Two legs are better than one

2008-05-19T18:33:48-04:00

Meet John.

He only has one leg. 'Inspirational', ain't it? At least that's what we're supposed to think.

(Before I start, I realize it's been a full week since I've posted the recap for the second half of the first episode, and that a new one starts in a matter of hours, but who cares, I decided to post it anyway. For tonight's new episode the recap will be up by Wednesday though, and that's a guarantee. I swear this time. So check back then.)

Anyway, John's competition is Gerry Garcia.

Best name ever, possibly? Although he looks more like Buddha.

I'm not being stereotypical and saying that just because he's Asian. I really think he does.

Their first event is Hang Tough against Justice. Peg Leg goes first and he swings out a couple rings and then just sort of stops, so Justice gets him pretty easily and he just kind of falls into the water without putting up a fight. But wait, what's that floating in the water to the left of him?

Did his leg just come off? Dang, this shit is dangerous.

Deadhead goes next and Justice pulls him off pretty easily too. It's also worth noting that he manages to beat both contenders without ever falling into the water himself. I guess he didn't want to get his super cool mohawk wet.

Who can blame him, really?

So we meet the women. Vanessa is a major in the air force. Her kids call her Major Pain. Probably because she is a major pain in the ass. Seriously, this woman is a 12 out of 10 on the obnoxious meter. And she kind of looks like she has Downs.

Just sayin'.

Her opponent is Nikki. She's pretty and seems likable enough, so of course she's not going to last, right?

Their first event is Pyramid against Jet and Venom. Neither woman makes it up. I have to give props to Jet here, because I didn't expect her to be able to stop Major Pain In The Ass from getting up, but she did. She must have been as annoyed by her screaming and jumping up and down before the event as I was. Don't annoy the gladiators people, it's only motivation.

During the event Nikki gets thrown down by Venom and rolls her ankle. It looks painful.

Stick a fork in her, she's done. And now she has to live with the fact that she was injured by Venom. At least if it was Crush she could be proud, but Venom? I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

Nikki's replacement is another Nikki, strangely enough. This Nikki kind of looks like Crush. A less hot, older version of Crush.

I say this not to be mean, but how can one really compare to the perfection that is this woman?

The answer is you can't. She could totally be Crush's hot mom or something, though.

So the event is Gauntlet and Laila tells Nikki the first Gladiator she is going up against is the one that put the other Nikki out of commission. When Laila says this Venom actually smiles and pumps her fists, like she's pleased with herself. Is she seriously psyched and proud of herself that she injured this chick? What a smug, arrogant bitch. And I thought she was supposed to be the nice one. Even I'm not that cruel.

Nikki and Vanessa both make it through because way too much time is given to get through four Gladiators. There needs to be less time or five glads, but I'm just nitpicking here. Upon making it through Major Pain (in the ass) exclaims "you have to bring me something bigger, I want the Wolf!" Then she actually howls. I hate her. I'd like to see her go up against Wolf though. He would rip her head off for crappily trying to imitate him. Dumb ho.

The men's next event is Rocket Ball. Titan comes out and then Wolf leap frogs over him.

Wait, didn't we do this last time? Only this time it's way cooler because Wolf is doing it. That and the fact that if he missed the jump he would have injured Titan and/or rubbed his junk against Titan's head.

So Peg Leg does decently in this, mainly because you could be a no legged torso with one arm and still compete in this event. Which is the problem with it. No one could possibly be exhausted after this. I bet you any money Titan goes back stage after this one and has the intern bring him an iced cafe mocha, having not even broken a sweat.

The next female event is a new one, Vertigo, with a new Gladiator, Phoenix. Here, see it for yourself.

OK, WTF? Did she really just rise out of flames? And is she seriously wearing wings? Could this show possibly be any cheesier? I mean it's not like they have a guy named Wolf who comes out howling. Oh wait, they do. Never mind.

Anyway, Phoenix seems pretty cool, wings and all. I love the way she was trash talking Nikki but in the nicest, most encouraging way possible. She seems likable, but I suppose it's too early to tell.

The men play Powerball. Yes, Peg Leg plays Powerball. We're supposed to find this inspirational but I find it to be in bad taste, personally. First of all how are the Gladiators supposed to be expected to tackle him? I wouldn't be able to do it, that's just messed up. And they do go easy on him, as they're clearly uncomfortable, but still. Weird. Awkward. Not really fair to him, the gladiators, or the other contender. He does actually manage to score once though. I'm not sure if they let him or just weren't paying attention.

And can we mention how dangerous this is? And I'm not even talking about to himself, really. I mean look at that hook. He could totally take an eye out or impale someone with that thing. Though if it happened to Titan I suppose that wouldn't be too bad, actually.

The women participate in Powerball as well, and surprise surprise, Major Pain In The Ass gives us the dumb quote of the night. "Aw, this game rocks. Some girls like puppy dogs and pink bows, I like speed and violence baby, so I'm gonna bring it." I still can't even fathom that she actually said that. Hellga, please sit on her face.

Only she doesn't, she just stands there in the middle the entire time. I don't think she ever even touched a contender. One time she ran toward them to pretend like she was doing something, but she ran kind of slow and weird and it just looked like she had a giant load in her pants.

I'm kind of disappointed in Hellga. I don't know if she's just lazy and only wants to stand around shooting a gun at people, or if she only likes to hit people with giant pads (gauntlet), but whatever her deal is she needs to get her ass moving. She's falling down on the job. I don't want to lose my affection toward her, but if she keeps slacking off I might have to. There's more than enough room for me to hate another female glad besides Venom.

Speaking of Venom, as much I don't really care for her, I have to give her some credit. I thought she sucked last season and was one of the worst female gladiators, but she's actually been kicking ass so far, including in this game of powerball, and I have to say I'm impressed. Which leads me to believe she's on the roids now. If she starts sounding like Hellga when she talks then we'll definitely know what's up.

Awesome quote of the night: Laila introduces a gladiator in The Wall as "a man eating animal that has absolutely no conscience, the big bad Wolf!" Yes, yes he is. So awesome. Buddha is up against new Gladiator Rocket, who is Evan, last season's champ.

Only who's intimidated by a guy whose 5'10" 160 lbs and is constantly smiling? Not I.

He looks plain puny standing next to Wolf. Muscular, but shrimpy. Wolf gives him props though and Rocket does manage to pull Buddha off The Wall, who was hauling ass up the thing and was at the top when Rocket pulled him off. Any other Gladiator wouldn't have been able to catch him, so I guess Rocket fulfills his only purpose of climbing The Wall really fast. He seems less coked out than last season too, so maybe we can like him. Maybe.

Women's eliminator: Nikki falls off the rope swing, which doesn't really swing at all, it just kind of moves you across and lowers you down. But she manages to bite it anyway, and falls head first to boot.

Kind of hilarious, no? The women also both fall off the hand bike into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit. I find this kind of hilarious also, as nothing says 'I'm tough' quite like wading through a sea of plastic spheres.

Then Nikki runs down the cylinder and slips and really eats shit this time. Unfortunately I don't have a good picture of this. This Eliminator is really beating her up though. Major Pain In The Ass goes up the teeter-totter and runs down it straight up the travelator, and her momentum is enough for her to make it up on the first try. Smart. I still hate her though and can't believe we are probably going to have to deal with her obnoxiousness once again. Is there no God?

During the men's eliminator we get to watch John struggle on every obstacle, which is supposed to be inspirational, but really just makes me wince and want to look away.

I mean how is this poor guy supposed to do this stupid thing? He has one leg. Christ. So he finally makes it to the travelator, and now we really get to cringe and be horrified. Because I'm sure he's going to be able to make it up this thing that most able bodied, fit contestants on this show struggle with. WTF? They finally the shut the stupid thing off after a few painful attempts, and it still looks like its tough for him to make it up. And he was supposed to be able to do this while the thing was moving? So not right. Oh yeah, and Gerry Garcia won in case you didn't get that. I hope his time is good enough to come back since this was basically the Peg Leg show and we didn't get to hear from him much. Plus his name is Gerry Garcia for Pete's sake. That's so bad ass.

Peg Leg finally finishes the eliminator, so you know, good for him. Hulk proclaims it the greatest eliminator of all time, and says he inspired everyone in gladiator arena with his courage and tenacity. Or you just exploited and made a spectacle of a guy with one leg, but call it what you will I guess. Potato patato, tomato tamato. John's final quote: "There's no excuse. Whatever you wanna do just get up and do it. And I hope I just proved you can do anything. You can finish the eliminator on one leg."

But only if they turn the travelator off for you.

Hulk Hogan 'brother' count: 9 this episode, 26 total.

To watch the entire episode, go here.

Or for a much more tolerable two minute replay go here.

(And thanks to myself, nbc.com, and warzone from Gladiators Zone for the screen caps. And don't forget to come back Wednesday. It'll be done. Really, I swear!)

Can we still be friends?

2008-05-18T17:52:14-04:00

I'm so fascinated by this, I think I've watched it at least once a day for the past week. It's a video of Todd Rundgren, who if you didn't already know, is totally THE MAN. He's performing the song 'Can We Still Be Friends?', which is a totally lame and cheesy song and I'm embarrassed to love it so much yet I do. Enjoying the song has nothing to do with why I've watched this video so much, though. I've watched it so many times because IT'S THE WEIRDEST, MOST RANDOM AND AMAZING THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

Behold...

Now let's discuss the enigma that is this video and why I love it so very much. (And why you should too.)

My 5 biggest WTFs...

Todd Rundgren has gotta be one of the ugliest dudes ever. The super long skeletal face, the big nose that sort of looks like a dick, and the weird mouth with really bad teeth. He is definitely one of the most freaky creatures of all time. However...
The hair is awesome. It's huge. It's out of control. It's freaking amazing. Best hair ever, male or female, in the history of the planet. There's really no argument.
Once the camera cuts away from Skeletor's face, we see that he's wearing a, get this, TIGER STRIPED TANK TOP. (I wonder if it's made of spandex. I'm thinking it's gotta be.) I think it's absolutely hysterical he's sitting at a piano, playing this kind of slow, sappy song wearing a fucking tiger striped tank top. I mean, seriously? I didn't even know tiger striped tank tops even existed, but then when you see one in a context such as this, it's almost enough to make ones head explode. (Not to mention I really want a tiger striped tank top now.)
Just when you didn't think things could possibly get any stranger, at about a minute and a half in, suddenly a girl starts dancing ballet on top of the piano. Excuse me, what? How much weed had to have been smoked to say "yeah man, it'd be really sweet if we had like, a girl, dancing on top of the piano. And we'll have her dance ballet. In a tutu. That totally fits the song perfectly. Duuude". And not just say it, but to think it was a good idea. So much so that you actually use it. Then to make matters even queerer, the girl doesn't even seem to be dancing along to the song. At all. Not even a little. Plus I'm not sure if that's a young girl or a little person, they are kind of freaky. They look like some kind of posessed doll or a fairy that isn't real or something. This whole thing is horribly creepy.
My final WTF is about the backgrounds. Was this shot in Todd's living room or something? During the close ups there's plants and a drum kit and I think a window behind him. Then when we get the side view with the girl dancing on the piano there's a painting with a black and white frame with something else that's black and white hanging next to it. And I can't even begin to speculate on what the huge thing on the left is, but I really want to know. I don't even know what else to say at this point, except I suppose the weird things in the background just kind of tie the whole thing together. It makes everything make sense, in the most completely 'this doesn't make sense at all' kind of way. I love it.

And there you have it, the greatest, most WTF video in the history of the world. You're life is now changed forever. Trust me.

Also, I'd just like to say I wrote this not just to share this idiosyncratic gem of a video with you and talk about how gloriously weird it is, but to actually ask someone the question Todd poses in the song. So, you know who you are. Can we??

We cant play this game anymore
But can we still be friends?
Things just cant go on like before
But can we still be friends?
We had something to learn
Now its time for the wheel to turn
Grains of sand, one by one
Before you know it, all gone

Lets admit we made a mistake
But can we still be friends?
Heartbreaks never easy to take
But can we still be friends?
Its a strange, sad affair
Sometimes seems like we just don't care
Don't waste time feeling hurt
We've been through hell together

Can we still get together sometime?
You know life will still go on and on and on

We awoke from our dream
Things are not always what they seem
Memories linger on
Its like a sweet, sad old song

It's back

2008-05-17T01:04:29-04:00

The new American Gladiators is back for season two, and Hulk Hogan is back to host. And he STILL looks like Janice from The Muppet Show.

The hair, brother, THE HAIR. It looks like a yellow mop made out of shiny hay. But I guess when you're the Hulkster you can do whatever the hell you damn well please and get away with it. Apparently that includes being as daft and annoying as possible while hosting this show. And calling people 'brother' as many times as physically possible. (I think I'm going to have to start a 'brother' count.)

So the credits roll and Hulk proceeds to tell us about the brand new arena, the brand new gladiators, the brand new events, and even the brand new baby Laila has on the way.

Just so we don't think she's gorged herself on Twinkies over the break.

The men are introduced. Randee (love the spelling) Haynes has 13 brothers and sisters. Damn, that's a lot. Someone's parents were busy. Jay Martinez is a 40 year old SWAT team member from Jersey. And he's really cocky and obnoxious, to boot.

The men's first event is a new one called Rocket Ball. The gladiators for this event are Toa and Wolf. Toa comes out and jumps over Wolf's head.

Toa is holding a staff along with some kind of voodoo doll hair thing that looks like Cousin It, and it's absolutely ridiculous. Toa wears a skirt so I think he's trying to prove his masculinity with this display, but what he fails to realize is that now he just seems even gayer. Randee looks completely terrified, as if he's just seen Satan.

Either he really is scared of these nut bags or he thinks Toa is a huge douche and he's being a sarcastic ass hole. (Fun fact - Toa is the wrestler The Rock's cousin, which explains so much.)

So the event finally starts, and while it looks cool enough, it's kind of gimmicky. All you have to do is press a button and you are launched skyward. The contenders try to make baskets and the gladiators try to stop them.

Now the women are introduced. Melissa Trinidad is a 30 year old martial arts instructor for kids. She thinks she's the total package. Only she's not. Elena Maskalik is a 22 year old (looks more like 32) firefighter who survived Chernobyl. Who cares.

Their first event is Pyramid against Venom and Crush.

Crush tackles Elena around the neck which seems kind of dangerous and is probably illegal, but the referee doesn't seem to care because she's Crush and she's hot and he wants to do her.

The contenders get their asses kicked, and in her post interview, Melissa gives us the dumb quote of the night.

"I think it's law of gravity. Not that she was any faster than me, but she definitely had the height advantage because she was above me."

One, I fail to see what the pyramid has to do with the law of gravity, and two, what the fuck are you talking about?

Next up is Hang Tough. It's been fixed this season so the platforms are more than five feet apart and it takes more than three rings to get across.

Awesome. Wolf is the gladiator, and he provides us with the awesome quote of the night. Actually, to be fair, the mystery canned commentary guy delivers the quote, but I'm crediting it to Wolf since he supposedly said it. "Wolf's favorite event is hang tough, because when he's face to face with a contender, he says he can see their soul leave their body". "For more Subway stats, including the gladiators favorite subs, go to nbc.com". Yes, those both were actually said. Which one is more ridiculous/awesome, I do not know.

So Wolf pulls Randee off the rings about half a second after time runs out. And he is PISSED, telling Randee "happy birthday son, cause that's the only present you're gonna get this year". Wolf can say the dumbest shit and make it sound genius. A testament to his awesomeness.

Wolf kind of looks like Jesus, don't you think? A wet, mangy, muscular Jesus.

So after the close call Wolf makes sure to take Jay down in no time at all, and after the match he says something really unoffensive along the lines of check the time, I won. Jay doesn't like this, because well, he's a douche. "Big talk like that's just gonna get me fired up. I'm not even gonna sleep tonight after that." I'm thinking he must not sleep most nights then, especially if he considers that to be 'big talk'. (And it's not really talk if it's true and he just beat you, tard.)

Crush kicks some ass in the Joust. What else is new? Melissa's daughter before she gets her ass kicked...

And after...

I'm sick and I love it.

The Gauntlet - yawn. Who cares. Jay makes it through and talks like a 20 year old thug some more. I. Can't. Stand. Him.

Assault against Hellga. Melissa gets nailed at the end of the course with only a few seconds left, and Hellga acts like she's the shit even though she didn't hit the chick until there was like two seconds left and she was right on top of her. "That's right baby, it's not her time, it's Hellga time". She takes off her safety glasses after saying this, to show she means business.

Elena is up and she provides the highlight of the night. First she flubs the slingshot, twice. Then she fires the bazooka... backwards.

She will now be forever known as Bazooka Joe, and go down in the hall of shame as the worst assault player in the history of the universe. Congrats Bazooka Joe, ya dumb ass! She's lucky that wasn't a handgun. Bitch would be dead.

The men - Pyramid - Justice and Titan ownage. Will any contender ever win on Pyramid? Doubtful.

We're introduced to new Gladiator Jet, who is last seasons champ Monica.

Isn't she the mother of twins? Damn. MILF.

"All the action, effort, bumps and BRUISERS lead here. Our new larger than life Eliminator". The Hulkster should at least learn to speak English if he's going to host this shit for another entire season.

Randee smokes Jay in the eliminator, making it up the travelator on the first try. Good. Now we never have to hear Jay's cocky thuggish BS ever again.

Melissa and Bazooka Joe's eliminator run is truly pathetic. They both take three attempts each at the travelator without even making it far enough to grab the rope. It seems like this could take all day. Suddenly, Bazooka Joe gets to the top.

All she has to do is take one, maybe two steps with that left leg and she is up. But being retarded and sucking at life, she decides not to, falls on her ass, and the travelator travelates her back down to the bottom.

Out of nowhere Melissa finally makes it up, and swings through the barrier and drops into the pool in an astounding time of 9 minutes 42 seconds.

And The Exorcist lives on.

Hulk Hogan 'brother' count - 17. (He used brothers twice as well, but I only counted one as once he was actually talking about a specific persons real brothers. But let me know if you think it should count.)

Part 2 soon to follow. And next time this will be up sooner, I promise. (It's been finished and I thought I had published it, but apparently I didn't.)

To watch the entire episode, go here.

Or for a much more tolerable two minute replay go here.

Expect a lot more in Hellga vision

2008-05-12T06:46:36-04:00

Season 2 of American Gladiators premieres in less than 24 hours. Rejoice!

To get you pumped up, I thought I'd show you a little preview.

Titan is back. Hooray? I don't know what it is about this dude, but I just can't really get into him. Actually, I do know what it is. He creeps me out something fierce. Titan looks like a Ken doll. As if he's made out of plastic. And I'm pretty sure if you pulled his pants down, he'd be UN-anatomically correct, just like a real Ken doll. No dick. No balls. Not even a vagina. Just skin. MAYBE some unremovable white briefs if he's lucky, but under those, just skin.

He actually reminds me of another orange creature that looks like they're made of plastic and candle wax and would melt if exposed to extreme heat, Daisy from Rock of Love!

Isn't the resemblance uncanny? They could be sisters. Or not. Bad example. Maybe this will better illustrate my point.

See it now? I told you. They're practically the same person. And isn't it reassuring to know that Daisy could seamlessly replace Titan if we needed her to?

Next video.

I'm going to have to break this one down by Gladiator.

Militia tells us to forget about cee-cin one. Does this dude even speak english? I'm not quite clear on about half of what he said. I'm also thinking he might not be a legal citizen, just because he puts up with that stupid strap across his chest that seems like it would be really annoying, especially in competition. And why else would you deal with that, UNLESS of course the producers were threatening to deport you unless you wore their retarded chest sash thing. Definitely something to ponder.

He also proclaims that coming back to Gladiators is like a gift from god, and I think he's actually serious. Dude, I don't really think god gives a crap whether you're on American Gladiators or not. He clearly has bigger fish to fry. Besides, it's too violent for him anyway. God's clearly more of a sitcom kind of guy. Two and a Half Men and Everybody Loves Raymond reruns for him, thank you very much.

Crush comes across as completely inarticulate, explaining that "if they're small they might be quick, and if they're big they might be strong, or they might be quick too". Really Crush? How... insightful. Who really cares what she says though, Crush is the hottest thing since sliced bread. As long as she keeps looking pretty and beating bitches asses, she can say whatever the hell she wants. And I'll give her a pass on this one considering she provided my favorite quote of the entire first season, "It wasn't a kick, it was a step". I think I'm in love with Crush. Me and every other male and female watching this stupid show.

Hellga states that we should expect a lot more in Hellga vision (that's for sure). I'm not sure what that means exactly, but now I'm expecting it, so she better deliver or else I will be terribly disappointed. Hellga is such a bad ass, what with her deep, scary man voice and all. I'm really curious as to why she sounds so dudely. Does she have a man junk? Is it from years of roid abuse? Or did god just royally fuck her over? (Maybe he did and now he put her on the show along with Militia to make up for it.) I don't know which it is, but I do know that she's more of a man than Titan will ever be. She should totally replace him on the mens side.

That is if Daisy's unavailable.

I really do love Hellga though, dick and all. I think she has a pretty face, although not so much in that video or that picture. But sometimes she does. If she sounded like a girl and wasn't so gigantic, I'd probably do her.

For an awesome video of Hellga being Hellga, check this out.

To check out a two and a half minute preview of the new season, peep this.

And for more Gladiator info, check out American Gladiators Blog, American Gladiator Girls, or the official NBC site.

Check back Wednesday for a recap of the first episode. Can't wait.