Wahida Samsuddin

Unrequited

2017-02-03T18:58:00.000+08:00

Today I watched The Lives of Others / Das Leben der Anderen (2006). The other day I've watched Me and Earl and the Dying Girl (2015). Both films explore the theme of love.

I've been inquiring about the idea of love for quite some time now. It baffles me how people choose to love what they love the way they love.

Food is love.

Yeah.

Tom Stoppard who wrote the play "The Real Thing" in 1982 said the greatest definition of love is, in an excerpt, "...knowledge of each other, not of the flesh but through the flesh, knowledge of self, the real him, the real her, in extremis, the mask slipped from the face..." (via BrainPickings.org)

True. Not everyone will know the real you, inside and out. But not everyone who knows the real you truly loves you. Perhaps it's a form of admiration? I don't know, it's fluid.

Generally from the people I've talked to, they prefer to think of love in a form of marriage. It's described as an ultimatum, the final destination. Through marriage, it'll bring more love to the picture, as if it doubles the love already available. I like the fact that a colleague of mine gave an interesting insight when it comes to marriage. "It's a form of survivorship. Sure, you'll love at first but when the love fades (because the beginning is always interesting), you'll need to fall back to the survivorship mode to keep the love around. It's hard work consisting of tremendous efforts - understanding, patience, care, balance. It's difficult and time consuming, but maybe you'll get to it."

Maybe? She has been married for 4 years now.

I would rather think marriage as a ritual that legitimise the act of love. It's just the beginning.

To me, a self-appreciated unrequited love is, although rather sad, portrays the greatest form of love existing on earth. Its complex form addresses the weakness of humanity, where we tend to easily forget love and would prefer to remember pain in larger part of our life. And by the time we notice the love we had received or given all the years, we would begin to perceive the real meaning of love - why it happened, why we deserve it to happen. When unrequited love is self-appreciated, it is benefitting in two-sided way because when love is loved freely and peacefully, the pain from the unreturned love leading to longingness and unintendedness is better understood. Its unselfish nature is nonetheless a grappling concept for the brain to perceive, can make the heart grows tender over time.

This is how I would like to think what love is.

It's extremely important to understand love, instead of just giving or receiving it blindly, because deep understanding of the definition will unfold the meaning of other abstract ideas including sacrifice, empathy, sincerity, kindness, freedom, solitude, etc. Key to the warmness and peace of heart.

(this is a big and tough topic to talk about - ongoing thought process and to be continued)

The coexistence (taken on April 29, 2015)

Present

2017-01-01T02:22:00.000+08:00

From what I've observed, New Year is technically a brief moment of celebration - the firecrackers with everyone sending their hopes up the sky and making reflections of things done and undone. Despite the to-do-lists and companies driving traffic to their websites in efforts to increase their planner book sales, I believe each and every one of us would all be silently wishing the year comes will be a better one compared to before. After all the confetti and bangs, we'll return to our state of normalcy where we'll resume the same cycle of life and by the time comes, it's the new year again.

I've stopped wishing and hoping the future is better because over the years I realised that what matters is the now. I couldn't be more thankful for the present. I don't think much of what will happen next since I've come to see myself as a non-planning person. I take what the tide offers me. It's easier to say that I just follow my inner voice (with the brain justifying things of course) in whatever decisions I'm going to take next. Be it a good one, or a bad one, there shall be something I could learn out of it. In fact, really, that's how life works.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the new year stuffs i.e. resolutions, wishes, greetings, etc. I like the free holiday. Here I'm wishing all the best to everyone in whatever things you do.

On another note, I'll be 27 years old this year. Yeah. But someone used to tell me that time is just a concept. I've seen films talking about this too so that kinda firm it up. Hence I would like to conclude that I'm 27 y/o person with the heart of a 9 y/o kid.

Hahahahaha. (<--- see)

Ok, so here's the summary of my 2016 represented in a photo:

Sorry, not really a summary. I just like this photo I took in April 2015 (just found it in my archive buried among tonnes of other photos that never make it to the Internet because I'm just too lazy to upload them).

Cheers!

Free

2016-12-25T00:53:00.001+08:00

Steady as the stars in the woods
So happy-hearted
And the warmth rang true inside these bones
As the old pine fell we sang
Just to bless the morning.

Hot sand on toes, cold sand in sleeping bags,
I've come to know the friends around you
Are all you'll always have
Smoke in my lungs, or the echoed stone
Careless and young, free as the birds that fly
With weightless souls now.

- Ben Howard, Old Pine

#AleppoDying

2016-12-15T00:22:00.002+08:00

"This great evil, where's it come from? How'd it steal into the world? What seed, what root did it grow from? Who's doing this? Who's killing us, robbing us of life and light, mocking us with the sight of what we might've known? Does our ruin benefit the earth, does it help the grass to grow, the sun to shine? Is this darkness in you, too? Have you passed through this night?"

Explosions in the Sky - Have You Passed Through This Night?

[narrated by Private Edward P Train in The Thin Red Line (1998)]

"Are you truly incapable of shame?"

2016-12-14T23:46:00.000+08:00

Are you truly incapable of shame? Is there literally nothing that can shame you? Is there no act of barbarism against civilians, no execution of a child that gets under your skin?

Please read more here: TheJournal.ie and HumanRightsWatch.org

Shame on you Syria, Russia, & Iran. The lives of civilians are at stake due to your idiotic political war. And the worst is, it seems to be never ending.

I cried myself watching the videos shared on Facebook. I cried because I feel weak on my knees knowing there's nothing I could do to help the Syrians. I could only pray in tears, I prayed really hard with a tremendous hope that one day I could go to the ground and help them, even just to hold their hands and comfort them and tell them I care.

Watching the bodies lying on the street makes my body trembles in terror. I have these thoughts in my mind, the what ifs, one day I'm fast asleep and a bomb landed on the roof? One day I went home and found my mother and brothers...gone? What I could possible do at moments like these? Helplessly realising I'm weak, one day I could be in the same battle as those civilians too. I'll be shouting for help but nobody hears me. The rest of the world doesn't hear me.

The world continues to smile with their celebrations, their vacations, gifts wishlists, food galore. They turned their eyes blind on people who had lost their home, scraping for food, no clothes to cover their back on, living on the run everyday with no music to hear except explosions.

WHY. WHY AREN'T WE DOING ANYTHING TO HELP THEM? WHAT'S WRONG WITH US? ALL OF US?

Random Saturday

2016-04-16T21:52:00.000+08:00

Just some random photos I shoot today. This year's heat wave is fierce and alhamdulillah, it rained.

Kampung Baru, Kuala Lumpur

Canon EOS 550D + Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II + ISO 200

A morning by the beach

2016-02-09T15:30:00.001+08:00

Home.

It's a place where I have all the time in the world to just lie down and dream. Like the old days, during my childhood. I dreamt a lot you know. Sometimes I think myself as a dreamer. I've got this habit of constantly reminiscing memories, mostly the good ones. They all make me content, ecstatic and grateful. And weird enough, my brain seems to like this exercise a lot. It's perfectly wired for this job every single day. Wherever I go, I would be telling stories about my home to my colleagues, housemates, clients, every other person I've met. I might have bored anyone (sorry for that). It's just that I'm deeply attached to my home. You like it a lot that you can't seem to have enough of it.

Therefore, being home feels complete. You've got these souls you've lived with since you were born till you've become who you are today. Their presence are imprinted in your memories. Can you imagine living without a portion of them in your mind? It's like being in The Truman Show, everything is a faux - you're a faux. You are just you, alone. It's sad and painful.

I would spare most of my work leaves to just go home. I don't really plan of going for a vacation somewhere else because...why? At home you've got beautiful and delicious dishes to eat, kind-hearted souls who love you and care for you no matter what, numbers of places to revisit and revisit and never tired of revisiting.

It's always the same routine when I got home. Except it never felt like a routine.

One of the most usual places I would go to is Pantai Teluk Ketapang. In one part of my childhood, we lived in a staff quarters of a local clinic around its corner. During some of the weekends, we would climb over the gate and go to the beach in early morning and swam in it. We would go home before the sun is up our head, so that we won't be sun-burned.

This time around we went there again - just my mum and I. We might have aged but the memory will stay with us a lifetime. Another thing my mum always says is that we would get pahala if we look at the ocean. The vastness reminds us of the His greatness.

Narrated by Aishah that the Prophet said: Looking at the three things is worship. Seeing the faces of parents, seeing the Quran and seeing the ocean." - (Reported by Abu Nuaim) and added to the "Looking at Ka'abah". (Reported by Abu Dawud)

I've captured some photos when we were there:

Cat, dog, or pig's? I can't tell.

Sea sponge I believe. It's everywhere on the sand.

My mum. I want to be like her someday.

Overlooking the other side of Terengganu. The busy end.

Contouring of sea shells.

Crab hole.

Another pattern formed on the sand.

Crab hole and a dead crab. How ironic.

People threw various things into the ocean. One of it being this. Imagine parts of it were eaten by sea creatures? God knows what have become of them now.

The chaos.

The froth.

And it calms. The same cycle repeats again.

By the time we were here, the sun began to rise and shine. From where we were, we could see the sun flaring the sea water and it formed a reflection. It was extremely grand and majestic. Such entrance I don't get to see everyday.

Here comes the calm blue sea. Sun shine made it possible to view the sea hues. Brilliant force of nature.

Morning glory. It all makes sense now.

Pantai Teluk Ketapang, Kuala Terengganu

Canon EOS 550D + Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II + ISO 100 / 200

Things in my room

2016-01-13T22:18:00.000+08:00

Hi?

Hahahahahaha, ehem it feels so awkward to write here after so long of an abandonment. Congrats to myself for being an all-star procrastinator.

2016...that makes this blog seven years old now. Can you believe it? If it's a human it'll be in Standard 1, trying to learn and understand who are people, what they're doing, why and how they acted in such ways. It'll learn to read too. That's a great start in life. Reading opens one's mind to endless ideas.

I can't remember how I feel and acted when I was in Standard 1. I hope I wasn't the one with ponytail hair and refuse to talk to anyone sitting next to me.

-----

Last night I sat in the room alone listening to some music. I was changing lens and as I held the camera on my hand, I began to observe things in the room and captured them. Here are the photos:

My room-mate is a nurse in HKL, so some of the things in the photos belong to her - purple bedding, pink ironing board cover, white uniform, plush toy, frog clothespin. She's from Pahang. Dec last year marks the third year of her service. Often she would tell me about her patients and their health conditions and deaths, in between I would ask her the meanings of certain medical abbreviations she uttered. Will tell more on this in my next post.

I won't promise myself to write regularly this year because truthfully I'm bad at keeping promises. But let's see how can I make some good changes on the habit.

Ok, I guess that's all for now.

Shopping online Malaysia - a wise shopper guide

2015-04-28T23:51:00.000+08:00

Let’s be honest, EVERYBODY loves shopping online nowadays. Heck, even my mum shops online ever since we got the Internet installed on her lot (which could be a pretty serious problem - she spends too much time wandering around on the Net, ha!). Really, there's no excuse for anybody to avoid shopping online as there are many reasons in the world to do so. This is true especially for busy supermoms who are working and at the same time have to juggle her schedule between family and work. Some of them agreed that managing both fields can be tiring with so much pressure on.

With wider and better Internet coverage, shopping online has been made even harder to resist. Online shops are springing up like mushrooms, offering their best deals in town. Irresistible bargains, secure shopping, and fast shipping - these are what online shopping has got to offer us. Not to mention even returns are pretty much easy to be made online, of course if you shop on the right online shopping website. In this modern world, shopping has never been easier or more convenient for us like today (and thank God for that!).

As an avid online shopper myself, I do feel it is very important for us to keep in mind that there are bad guys a.k.a online sellers lay in wait to trick us. But hey, chill out, stats regarding those guys somewhat alarming but should not keep us from enjoying our online shopping (slash guilty pleasure, ahem). Simply follow the most basic guidelines to shop online securely and we are good to go!

Let’s see five guidelines for shopping online Malaysia that are crucial for us to know before we start shopping online:

Remember to only use familiar websites that you know and trust. Do not solely trust on search engines because search results can be rigged to lead you to sites that are not secure just created to rip you off.
ALWAYS look for the lock symbol. IMPORTANT! Never buy anything online using your credit or debit card from a site that doesn't have the locked padlock icon.

Padlock icon symbolising a secure web transaction
(Source: Wikipedia)
Do no tell all. Online shopping websites should not ask for your FB password or your birthday to do business.
Be sure to constantly look and check your bank statements to ensure there is no any fraudulent charges and do this regularly to keep your account safe.
Protect your PC, laptop or mobile device against malware by keeping the anti-virus program always up-to-date.

That’s all about it guys!

Oh, lights!

2015-04-17T23:17:00.000+08:00

Lights.

The irony of lights is that they look so mesmerizing in the darkness.

Pandan Indah, Kuala Lumpur

Canon EOS 550D + Canon EF-S 18–55mm lens f/3.5–5.6 (among my first shots of using this camera)

Orange Sky

2015-04-05T00:56:00.000+08:00

Please click play before scrolling down.
(No, this not an advert/scam)

My 2nd brother, Imran.

That crispy chicken skin...rich with calories...

My 1st brother, Fuad.

(I really should not be uploading any food photo past 12 am. Sorry growling stomach)

Hameeds Maju Nasi Kandar je yang jual dessert macam ni kot? Idk.

Cheesy pisang goreng. Fuh!

At Masjid Al-Azim.

Just another well spent day with le siblings.

Pandan Indah, Kuala Lumpur

Canon EOS 550D + Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II

You can't stop the music

2015-04-02T23:21:00.001+08:00

Love the bokeh!

Another f/1.8 grandeur bokeh.

Whoever came up with the idea to paint the building as such must be one happy person.

Accidentally caught a flare.

p/s: Did anybody notice that the title above is The Kinks song from their Soap Opera album?

Pandan Indah, Kuala Lumpur

Canon EOS 550D + Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II

Good Day Sunshine

2015-03-31T22:43:00.002+08:00

Kedai mamak Hameeds Maju.

13:04. Time to head to Masjid Negara.

Slender Man.

Took a walk, the sun is shining down. Burns my feet as they touch the ground.

KTM Kuala Lumpur Station

Canon EOS 550D + Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II

Lucky day

2015-03-29T22:36:00.001+08:00

Thanks Syuhida for the treat!

Semoga murah rezeki amin.

The Curve, PJ

Canon EOS 550D + Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II

6-word short story

2015-03-28T23:09:00.001+08:00

Found: One baby shoe, bloodstained.

(yes, bloodstained is a fiction - that shoe pictured above is cute as hell!)

Pandan Indah, Kuala Lumpur

Canon EOS 550D + Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II

Non-accidental quote by Hemingway

2014-11-29T03:44:00.000+08:00

Reading this quote had consumed my 8-minutes train ride to work a few days ago. Liked it so much I had to put it into this pic I took earlier yesterday.

Those words, they send the chills to the bone.

Often people are afraid to incorporate their soul into the vessel and live as what they are made, feel of what they want to and say of what they thought of because breaching the gap is considered as a weakness. Pride, ego, and the compulsory need to save face that the society, or we, have set and lived in for the longest of time is eating us bit by bit, day by day, just like a cancer. In the end, we are left with emptiness.

As the soul and vessel detach further from each other, we are no longer equipped with empathy and humanity. We are thirsty, suffocated. We are alone. It's a routined life. We have lost the ability to stand for our rights, to notice of what are happening in our surrounding and to a live a life full of challenges that we could look back and smile at later on. Finally, we will resort to things, and of course, money. We think we have it all, but actually...we are dead.

Vulnerability - it makes us feel human. We have to embrace it as an alive and life-long trait because imperfection is what we are. We are often and always be wounded, and sometimes destroyed, as Hemingway put it up nicely up there. At the event of us reaching our most vulnerable state of being wounded and destroyed, we realised that we are desperate for a help. We are no longer holding back our tears, we begin seeking for help, we prostrate to the Supreme Being, our egos and pride subsided. Realising that we are actually very, very weak and fragile, the emotions burst in and we can feel that our heart is running. Gratefulness, thankfulness, inspiration, energy, peace and care fill our heart - and finally, we are complete again.

The cycle of human life.

#keepitalive Sneak peek

2014-08-20T23:36:00.001+08:00

Hi there!

I finally got to pick up my prints from the photo shop, but heck, I couldn't find a place to scan them into the computer (thinking of using office's scanner, but no...just no) so I'm snapping some of them with my Xperia SP:

A good, high DPI scanner + 35mm film mask, anyone?

Photos taken in Kuala Lumpur and Terengganu.

Captured using Canon AE-1 + 50mm f1.8 lens + Fujifilm Superia 200.

Random Eid 2014 Photos

2014-08-11T23:03:00.000+08:00

Salam 'alaik all.

"Anugerah Syawal" (read: the "Gift of Syawal").

Why Shawal is an "anugerah"? Because we all Muslims with Allah's bless of vitality managed to complete yet another course of our 3rd Rukun Islam: Fasting during the Holy Month of Ramadhan, of which contains the yearly awaited night, "Lailal-ul Qadr" (means "the Night of Decree", read more of it here).

And yes, Syawal is celebrated with mixed feelings of sadness due to the end Ramadhan and the joy of completing the obligation. Whichever the feelings were, I embraced each moments when I was home, gathering, collecting, capturing all the memories and being all-there. For that, I'm really thankful (we are talking about 9 days holidays here, peeps!)

I think I must be really insane if such long holiday came without a single photo. I took a lot, I mean A LOT of them. While waiting for my film photos being developed and printed from the photo shop, here are some of the photos taken on my Xperia SP:

*Plays To Build A Home*

(From clockwise)

1. Malam raya without some pelita would be so mainstream, so we bought ourselves some!

2. My cousin brought some firecrackers, and I did a nerd dance with them (proof is in the iPad).

3. Me and my bro.

4. We couldn't stand smiling, and laughed instead.

5. The only decent family photo we had.

6. Fuad and Imran (wearing kopiah).

7. "PROFILE PIC APPROVED".

8. Masjid Kayu at Kampung Seberang Jerteh, Besut. We were here to visit my grandparents and aunties (mum's side).

9. Motif??

10. Nyan cat alert!

11. Mum and Imran.

12. Electric leaves.

13. Happy kid got happy smile!

14. My grandma's (dad's side) vintage clothing, I even thought of stealing some.

15. A retro print on the cushion fabric.

16. Rare childhood drink. Halal ok, made in Kelantan summore.

17, 18, 19, 20. Random floral pics.

21. Pretty pink tiles.

22. 7 for 6 cherries.

23. Vintage pump station, me think. Wouldn't hurt to stop the car and snap one while my mum and brothers laughed hysterically as one of them took a photo of my butt-photographer pose ;_____;

24. Brothers and our uncle (dad's side).

25. Silly kids in their little jungle.
26. Silly kids and their sister.
27 & 28. As a working person, I did the honour to belanja them all the ICT (ikan celup tepung). But our usual place was closed that day so we went to this stall instead.

29. Evening silhouette.
30. <3
31. MY TUMMY AIN'T THAT BIG WOR. IT WAS WIND!!!
32. Syukri and my camera. Later we'll see how well he did (actually I taught each of my brother how to use my Canon AE-1. I am freak like that)

33. My cousin and his smoking stuff.
34. I also did the honour to cook carbonara spaghetti for the night. I think I made the right decision.
35. Eat, eat, eat!
36. Midnight lawn spaghetti picnic. I mean, who would even do that?

37. My cousin, Umirah.
38. Smoked potatoes, whatever.
39. Crazy pelita kid.
40. US!

Officially missing home.

Original photos are taken by me in Terengganu and Kelantan using Sony Xperia SP.

Edited using Magic Hour (self-made filter + Clearly HD by UpUntilNow).

Demons

2014-07-19T00:24:00.001+08:00

Sampul Raya by ContengConteng (Fadhli Hamdan), download it here and spread the goodness.
Innalillah, deepest condolences to the family members of those involved in MH17 tragedy.

#PRAYFORTHEWORLD #PRAYFORUS

Discovered

2014-07-08T23:49:00.000+08:00

In the water where I center my emotion. All the world can pass me by.

(totally another source of text but it fits here right now)

Simplicity

2014-06-21T00:37:00.000+08:00

Not sure if I ever posted this photo here before but there's something about it that reminds me of this quote:

Receive with simplicity everything that happens to you - Rashi

Original photo taken by me on 23/08/2013 at Kampung Baru Gong Badak.

Edited using Photoshop CS6 + Light leak action by Bekka.

First Batch: Canon AE-1 - The Beginning

2014-06-14T16:55:00.002+08:00

Assalamualaikum and hello!

So I finally got to pick up my negatives from the photo shop. Actually went there a couple of times after work before but it always closes early, probably at 6 p.m. something - the perks of working from 9 to 6, you see.

3 weeks ago I bought a used Canon AE-1 + FD 50mm f1.8 lens + FD 100mm lens + 6 packs of 4LR44 battery from a Mudah.my user at a great bargain price of RM400. One of the best purchases I ever did in my entire life.

This is actually my first time shooting with film camera and I got to say, I'm happy with the result. From what I know, usually the first roll of film will go to waste as the photographer is still adapting to using the film camera. But being a nerd, I did my research and carefully read the manuals as well as watching a lot of YouTube vids especially on how to load and unload the film correctly (these parts are little tricky, one wrong move and you might ruin the film). For a beginner like me, using a film camera if pretty baffling because I need to understand everything on types of film, aperture, film speed, metering, etc. as they are all fully manual. But with times, I think I will get the hang of them :)

These are some of the original shoots using Fujifilm Superia 200 film that I'm extremely happy with:

It's very satisfying to shoot with film camera. Will I shoot again? Ohhh yes, definitely! Next time I will:

Try to shoot with 400 film speed
Make sure I place the camera closer enough to my face to avoid shooting blurry photos
Learn, shoot, learn, shoot, learn, shoot!

That's all for now folks. Let's #keepitalive!

Photos are taken around Kuala Lumpur.

Captured using Canon AE-1 + 50mm f1.8 lens + Fujifilm Superia 200.

Floating down a river

2014-06-09T17:58:00.000+08:00

Happened to be the least noticeable river I've ever seen in my life.

Running freely she is.

Her will, never-stopping.

Such admirable courage.

Original photo taken by me on 15/10/2013 at Kampung Tasek Pauh, Kelantan.
Edited using Photoshop CS6 + Analog Efek Pro + Color Efek Pro.

Life for granted

2014-02-17T02:08:00.001+08:00

I was flipping through the photos in my (old) phone and saw a photo of my grandma I took about two weeks ago. It reminded of me of the thing she said the other day.

Maso kakak umur seminggu, kakak lemas dale besen maso nenek mandi ke kakak. Nenek cepat-cepat gi spital takut de jadi gapo-gapo. Dok de paka tudung gapo, maso tu de paka kain batik, baju sehe skalo jah. Sapa ko hari ni nenek ingat go ni. Mujur Allah bagi selamat.

Ok, my skill of writing a Kelantanese dialect speech (and speaking one) apparently sucks big time ;__;

Basically, every time we were to talk about the old times, she would retell me of the story over and over again. I always find it awkward to react to her story as she was telling it by looking deep into my eyes, as if it was something horrible she could not get over it forever. So I would just keep quite and listen to her and nodded.

But at the same time, I did imagine that I could have died that day and what would happen if I did:

My parents would be sad.
Nenek would be sad and she would never forgive herself.
Nenek would not have the chance to name me (Nurul Wahida - that was Nenek's idea).
My brother, Fuad, will be the eldest in the family. Or not.
Et cetera.

However, I did not die.

I guess her story reminds me that I have escaped death twice. Escaped the second one 11 years later.

Up to the present day I could not unravel the mystery behind these occurrences but one thing I'm sure of, everything happens for a reason. I can't possibly find any word or action equally adequate to say how thankful I am for Allah has given me the third chance to live on His earth. He must have meant serious business here, as a disdained, lowly creation of Him who's still struggling to keep her heart so close to Him, I certainly did not deserve such a chance. And what's more, my flaws and weaknesses sometimes stray me away from Him and made me forget how fortunate of me to be alive today, to still have the time to correct myself and do all the good deeds that He deserve, while the time lasts.

Everyday is a new leaf and time is money. Get up and work towards the betterment. Let's be well-equipped for the Eternity.

May Allah accept.

The day I graduated

2013-12-04T00:31:00.001+08:00

"And He gave you of all that you asked for, and if you count the Blessings of Allah, never will you be able to count them. Verily! Man is indeed an extreme wrong-doer, - a disbeliever (an extreme ingrate, denies Allah's Blessings by disbelief, and by worshiping others besides Allah, and by disobeying Allah and His Prophet Muhammad PBUH)."

(Surah Ibrahim, 14:34)

Sunday, 1.12.2013, around 9.30 a.m., the translation of the very ayah was recited by the man at the podium. Among other surah, among other ayah, this very ayah was recited. It meant something, it had to mean something, especially when it was recited in front of more than 400 fresh graduates, dressed in their crisp robe, quirky hood, wearing the ever so famous black-coloured mortar board. We were all in a hall at Taman Tamadun Islam, Sidang Dua, attending UniSZA 5th Convocation Ceremony.

He did not really say much of the ayah, except for reciting it out loud (due to the time constraint I believe). I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself due to the sudden rush of panic attack for I would be the first person, of the first row, to receive the scroll in the morning - and I did not attend the rehearsal held three days before-hand. As I was settling down, I saw the ayah on the screen projected a few yards in front of me, then re-reading it a few times, trying to digest the meaning behind it. Well, it was more than the meaning, it was the reality I was trying to grasp.

"What am I in this robe is doing here today?"

"This scroll that I will be receiving, what will be of its use?"

It won't certainly going to be just a fancy paper only to be received after 4 years of study. To call it a hard-work masterpiece would certainly be an extreme hyperbole as too much procrastination, time-wasting, last-minute works of a quality lower than actually to be expected, late class attendances and countless absenteeisms were involved along the process. Nah, I was even one of the latest persons to show up this morning! My heart was filled with shame and disappointment. "Man is indeed an extreme wrong-doer." says the ayah. I was angry at myself.

Helplessly, I sat there in silence, telling myself what a wonderful feeling it would be if I deserve today. How meaningful it would be if I could reverse the time and make my study years as fruitful as they should have been. How I wish I did not take for granted the time He had given me. How I wish I could really be thankful for the countless blessings of Allah!

"Semoga sijil ini tidak menghumban diriku ke neraka." - Dr. Ustaz Riduan Nor

Time passed, years gone, and only the future is left to be amended. With this scroll in my hand, the greatest most challenging question I am facing right now is, "How can I serve Allah?".

Temporary world, my destination is still far ahead. And this is just a beginning.

Bachelor of English with Communication (Hons)
Universiti Sultan Zainal Abidin (UniSZA)
School Year 2009 - 2013

May Allah accept.