Wait Forever

On Gamers and Gaming

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 10:03:00 +0000

Before anything, I advise you to watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dE1DuBesGYM

This is a conference called TEDx where Jane McGonagal, a game developer and researcher, made a theory as to how we can harness the power of gaming.

This post, however, won't discuss that. This post discusses my personal view upon the matter.

Gamers, are those that have been presumed to have traded all social life in exchange for a training their minds as sharp as how we exemplify Japanese katana. Thanks to the magic of evolution, our minds become faster, process more signals with lesser effort, and embed them as a part of our instincts. But why (due to korean popular gaming culture) is it so that the age 23~25 is a heralding of the downhill of this so called elite gamers?

To my personal experience, I've come up with a theory. What if a gamer that plays more than 10 hours change his routine? We know that good blood circulation is the key to a healthy mind. Similarly, gaming deteriorates our organs. It's like a platform balance - when a gamer plays, his body weakens. When a gamer exercises, his mind dulls.

Then what if there was a perfect balance to increase one's brain power? There's lots of ways. Ambidexterity, games, exercise, blogging, art, music. I've decided to increase my brain power to its utmost potential. It takes dedication, time, and a heart that never gives up to do this but this is something I can consider that I am born for. I was born gifted - a constant top placer during my younger years. During my college years however, it became a downhill slide. I kept making instinctive decisions - rash and stupid in nature. But now I've found a purpose and have been reborn with burning drive.

Short 3 Words Summary:
1. Dedication.
2. Control.
3. Rest.

I will do this until the day of my death.
I swear this on my grave.

We are the universe's greatest product.
Born to mold ourselves through chance and understanding.

-Aron

Freedom

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 19:14:00 +0000

It resounds within me.
I echo back.
I believe it with all honesty.

It's not how much you use his words.
It's only how much you are willing to protect it.

For when that time truly comes, can you?

"It's not that I don't believe in what you say.
It's only that I believe what He gave to me."

-Aron

Thinking

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 21:32:00 +0000

Ah crap.
I'm gonna sleep in the morning again. -___-
Tonikaku, I just watched Hoshi o Ou Kodomo and gawd it's amazing.
To me, there is definitely something about the Japanese culture that manifests within their songs, literature, etc.
It emantes from their "art" and for a reason I can feel it.
Weird, I know. -___-
Still, I think it's how I was born to be. To understand such things.
Btw, Makoto Shinkai (creator of the latter title) also created 5 Centimeter Per Second.
This one is heavy on the melancholy as it involves love and life at a much ... let's say "higher concetration".

Anyway, I've realized a lot recently.
One of them is the need to sleep earlier.

The journey to forever and back.

-Aron

Board Exam 2011 October

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 15:53:00 +0000

A hurdle.
A hurdle that seemed close enough that I almost saw victory.

I'm ashamed.

Just like before.

Why I ran away.

-Aron

Love and Other Drugs

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 15:42:00 +0000

A movie starring Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal.
Definitely an 18+.

Anyway, Jake's character named Jamie Randall met Anne's character Maggie Murdock.
Jamie being himself sets eyes upon Maggie - a 26 year-old woman diagnosed with stage 1 Parkinson's Disease. Just google if things get all tied-up.

Skipping all those foreplay and action, there were definitely specific scenes I felt Jamie's character.
One was when Jamie got ... very nervous, hands all sweaty, tense and overly-emotional.
Maggie said "Ok. Talk to me.". Out of all Jamie's effort, there was one that struck me head on.
He said "I love you." to Maggie. "That's feels better." ...

LOL.
It was like seeing myself.
Whenever I feel like that I just say that too so it would go away.

Made me cry and think about the girl I love right now.
I'm not trying to be sappy but just like Jamie, we've been doing shit all these years.
Although I haven't been screwing with girls with my... uhh... manhood.
We've been struggling only to find the right person.
That out of all the shit in this world, we can say and feel those things to this unique person.

And yes, I miss you.
And I'm not trying to be sappy.

I love you too.
More than how much I miss you.

-Aron

How are you?

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 16:36:00 +0000

It's been... days.

How are you?

I... just wanted to know what that letter meant to you.
I have put in it every corner of my hear, with all the courage that I could muster
The very least I could ask from is a reaction.

Well you did react...
...
...
... oh ok. I guess I need to answer that huh?

And I realized it was my turn.

-Aron

Too Emo

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 17:53:00 +0000

Reread some of my posts since 2005.
I was really... too emotional.

I guess I am too emotional.
It's like clockwork when I fall in love.

I recently confessed to someone.
Hastily I told her I love her.
It is true but for what purpose?
To tell it? Simply tell it?
I know that she cried for a reason - a reason I hope she shall tell soon.
But for now I think I understand it a bit more.

Yes, I was too emotional.

-Aron

Test

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 16:36:00 +0000

You always said that you want a person that would fight for you.

Are you testing me?

Why do we doubt?

-Aron

Decided

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 15:56:00 +0000

Sorry.
Just like you who wasn't prepared for this.
I wasn't prepared for someone like you.
At the very least let me...

Oh my God...
...I'm losing the will the express.

Not because you can't hear me.
But because I don't know what to say.

-Aron

Procrastination

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 14:46:00 +0000

Posting here actually is one variety of it.

I'll save my words for later.

-Aron

Truth

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 16:09:00 +0000

Do you remember?

Do you remember the first letter I really wanted to give to you?
Of course not. I threw it away because I was too scared to let you know.
So... I did 2 more and gave them to you. There was a big ... thing with it.
I just forgot if it was a rabbit or a dog. -___- ah nvm.

Do you remember the first text you sent me?
"Kalog ka. Kalog ako. Kaya .." something. lol
I was wondering who that was so I asked.
I was surprised it was you. I was surprised you got my number.

Do you remember the bus you rode on when I was on the jeep and looked at you?
The first 3 letter of its plate number was TVM. Forgot the number though.

Do you remember the SCA graduation?
You said I knew it was you through your voice ... but I actually didn't.
I wanted to know if it was really you so I asked if I could hold your shoulders because I remembered your dress that day. To my surprise, it WAS you. Freaked me out really. Made me happy too.

Do you remember when guys made a move on you?
I always knew. I always wanted to be happy for you even though deep inside my heart I'm hurting.
I know that the pain is for a reason and I have already accepted it.

Do you remember when I met all those girls you tease on me?
They all knew about you. They saw. They saw how much I really loved you.
That all those time I was denying myself. I was denying myself you.

Do you remember how many times I tried to tell myself that I really loved you?
I told myself I can't the same number of times.

But here I am. Falling for you again.
I can't believe it myself. I've fallen for you so many times I lost count.

I know Disney does shit but hey, when they talk about love... they were never wrong.
Love gives the power to believe despite everything.
That despite everything that had come and pass...
That despite every mistake I have already made...
Love gave me the power... to believe that there is a chance for me with you.

I hate to admit it again but...
Yeah. I am really in love with you.

My fear goes away whenever I say the truth.
Right now... I'm not scared at all.

-Aron

Weakness

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 06:59:00 +0000

...

When someone gets hurt or sad because of your weakness...
... You know it's time to conquer it.

-Aron

Beautiful

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 16:39:00 +0000

Whenever I see you, I can smile easy.
Whenever you are near, I can do anything.
You are the sigil that gives me power.
You are the relic that gives me faith.
You are the love that gives me hope.
And you are the light in my darkest hours.

You may not recall, so let me tell you...
You are truly the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

I only say it because I mean it.
I only mean it because it is true.

-Aron

Hidden

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 15:51:00 +0000

There is a reason why I hide this blog.
There is a reason why we don't say the entire truth.
There is a reason why we lie.
There is a reason why we love.
There is a reason why we live.
There is always a reason for everything and nothing.
Always.
And this post narrates the reason why I don't want to open this blog to anyone anymore.

I'm scared.
I'm scared of saying what I truly feel.
I'm scared of telling her - especially her - that "Hey I'm in love with you. Guess what? Again!".
... That would be epic.
I haven't told her the past so why surge on to the future?
Until I've been completely honest with her, she's just a person that reminds me of the past.
A relic. Just a relic.

Fortunately, this is just with her. Specifically with her.
Unfortunately, I am in love with her.
How can one be so lucky AND unlucky at the same time? Sheesh.

It's funny how she wants to find this blog.
What for? A laugh.
I don't want her knowing. I'm scared.
I'd die if she ever knew. Not her.
She's seen me fail a million times.
She's seen me at my worst.
It's actually amazing we are still friends.

Sometimes God seems to have the funniest sense of ... something.
She puts me along my way again.
I'm even wondering why I put up with this. With her simplicity.
Save me the pain of going through hell again.
You know what happened back then right?
Please, don't let us go there again.
I'm the only one ending up broken.
It's good that it is that way - that she gets to keep hers.
I wouldn't want it any other way.

God, I'm digging up pain from ages ago.
Killing myself so again I can find an answer for her.
That somehow I can make her understand why I had to run away.
Why I needed to run away.

Drama? Foolish.
Some can't even tell what drama is from real thing.
This isn't forced emotions.
This is real.
This was my conclusion to what happened back then.
This is the reason why I feel this way now.

I know there are some things I can only say.
As there are some things others can only begin to understand.

"If there was any way I could read her mind...
... this puzzle would be so easy."

-Aron

Recall

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 18:10:00 +0000

I guess man can never be alone.
Well he can be but he cannot achieve perfection on his own.
Perfection in a sense that he finds what he/she can be the best that he/she can be.
And at times he is at wrong, only he consoles himself.
And at times he is right, only his pride rejoices.
We are men, yet we are all not.
Humans - similar but not at all the same.
We have grown too complex we have forgotten simplicity.
We have created too many roads that we forgot which to choose.

We may not always take the right path.
Nor we could always make the right decisions.
At the very least, let us recall that which makes us human
And let it guide us.
We always knew that which is ultimately good.
We only discover ways we cannot choose it.

I am not righteous not at all.
Nor am I forcing you to become good nor am I insinuating I am good.
All I am saying is we are naturally good.
We are artificially evil.

We have created so many roads we forget the one we should take.

-Aron

Today

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 16:39:00 +0000

Today was similar as any other day.
I'll meet up with her. I'll go to cisco with her.
I'll talk with her. I'll laugh with her.

Almost everything - with her.

To a point I'm almost scared of it.

God knows what she means to me.
She means more than the world.
So much that I can't be with her.
I can only look. I can only admire from within myself.

I trusted someone with my feelings.
I don't know why.
I just know him is a swell guy and I believe we believe in love similarly..
.. Though we have experienced differently.
I'm only scared that Bernie will tell anyone else.
I don't want ANYONE else to know.
Not yet.
I want to tell her first but seeing the past that I have carved, I have no face to show her.
I am merely but a shadow of my past carrying a faith I have always believed in.

Just like her, we despise people that judge by appearance.
I'm hideous? Probably. But that didn't matter much to me nor them.
I have an entire past to believe in.
Those people may have changed due to their own predicaments yet I still believe in them.
Naive yes. Similar to Charles in X-Men.
I believe them.

My only difference with Erika is that I believe in myself more.
Still it is good to have friends you can trust.
But when the sky comes crashing down, you only have yourself to hold on to those times.
She is a beautiful girl don't get me wrong. I loved her once too for her own qualities.

Going back, our classes at cisco ended early however we get to meet new people.
Also, today we planned to enjoy an evening at Ocean Park with my relatives at my mother's side.
Which inadvertently lead to me and her going separate ways which lead to my dramatic thoughts...
... and things.
Jealousy. I hate it. I hate it that it affects me. I guess that's me I guess.
Girls in their beliefs cling on to definition.
Me in my understanding and experience cling on to the heart.
I believe in what I believe in.
Nothing - well ... maybe something - can change it.

Recently, I have seen her more.
I have understood her more.
She... too believes in what she believes in.
Although it wasn't quite as I expected.
Nonetheless, each to their own I say.

I don't know her that much yet.
But nonetheless I believe in her.
I guess it was her beauty and simplicity that gave me hope.
Giving her more credit than she actually deserves.

Somehow... I'm not a slave to my own emotions anymore.
Change? I guess.
Good? I'm not sure.
For how long? Depends.

But still I believe in what she have changed in me.
For that, I cannot hurt her.
For that, I can only thank her.
For that, I will always love her.

It hurts everyday ever since that day...
And I can't start to tell how much.
Just thank you for being in my life...
And even if you can't stay, I'll understand it.

-Aron

Power

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 07:14:00 +0000

I have a fear.
A fear of power.

They say power is intoxicating.
Far more intoxicating that any drug.

I fear of having too much power for I do not want to abuse it.
I fear of having too much power for I do not want to break anyone with it.
I fear myself.

Have you ever feared who you might become if you succumbed?
Most people just go with the flow.
Acting accordingly with whatever happens.
Acting accordingly to whatever brings.

I never wanted to hurt people.
I never wanted to break them.

I never did recall why I feel nor believe so.
But this is who I am, and I am proud of what I believe in.
For what I believe in no one is trampled upon.
For what I believe in there is only understanding.

We instinctively know what is right or wrong.
I just intuitively know how to control it.

-Aron

Heart

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 16:34:00 +0000

I don't know how.
I don't know why.
But I will show the world my heart.
And will rid it of its hatred.
This is a promise I will take to my grave.

Emotional?
No.
I'm just saying words no one else would dare say.

-Aron

Sometimes

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 16:12:00 +0000

I love you.
I really do.
But right now, there is nothing I can say
That goes with those words would ever make sense.
But I do.
I really do.
And it hurts not telling you.
So much that I wanted to cry.
I don't know how I will tell you.
I don't know if you're for me, or if I'm for you.

But right now I'm sure you have always been the source of my strength
Long before I even knew I loved you.
You are the source of my power and my honesty.
You are the source of my love and my will to believe.
And to understand just recently... mortifies me.

But right now I am happy.
Because right now I have finally accepted the fact,
That you really are the greatest person I have ever met.
Because right now I love you.
That my denial stops.
That this cycle breaks.
That the only fear of love I know is not loving you...
Second only to losing you.

I know a lot of people loves you and if I take away their chance, I am no better than them.
So I have decided will make you happy in every chance I get.
That in every mistake you may ever make, I will understand.
That in every chance I get, I will make you happy.
That in every predicament you encounter, I will be there with you.
That in every nightmare, I will wake you.

Only hoping that you find it in your heart that you learn to love me too.
Not only for who I am.
Not only for what I can do.
Not only for the destiny that brought us together.
Not because I am here.
But for the collaboration of everything that had made this feeling possible.

For you have always been the one that always saved me from the darkness of my own self.
For that, falling in love with you was nothing but reality.

Thank you.
From the bottom of my soul.

-Aron

Roads

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 03:19:00 +0000

Where others dare to walk,
I choose to find another.
It had always been that way for as long as I can remember.

Maybe, just maybe...
... I can change it.

-Aron

Let Go

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 02:18:00 +0000

Let go.
Please.

Keeping me close is different than clinging on to me.

-Aron

My Snow Globe

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Tue, 31 May 2011 16:08:00 +0000

A funny story. Or maybe touching. Ah whatever.

A story.

Before a tragic end of knowing a girl, I put everything that I felt for her in a letter.
On the night before the last day that I can see her, I sent it.
It was my last message.
My final goodbye.

"[Months] have passed since that horrendous incident" (Resident Evil 4)... and then she replied.
Realizing it was too late, she says she misses me a lot.
It's natural. We grew apart. It's natural to miss something that was once a part of you.
I hate her. She can't even talk properly.
She asks what she deems convenient.
She answers what she deems answerable.
Always on her terms.
She talks a lot not taking into account what she is saying.
I just hope she understands.
I want to give her company.
Although giving her my company comes at a price.
She wants something.
I want something.
But neither won't give.
In a relationship, in love or in whatever situation, as people, it's a give and take.
I can't have her taking me again without her realizing.
And in the end blaming for everything.
Then this is my decision.
If she can't cross the line that I created, she won't reach me.
Nor would I strain my kindness again for a person who has treated me so lowly.
Never again.
Never.

Sorry.
The friend you see in me and the person that once loved you...
... is simply just one and the same.

-Aron

Girls - A New Point of View

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Mon, 16 May 2011 16:10:00 +0000

***WARNING***
This is post is only for people 13+.
You have been warned.
... well... just in case anyone stumbles upon this page. lol
*** ***

And I thought girls would be all the same - kind, funny - you know, the simple good stuffs.
Buuuut through the course of this life I've been ... blessed to see a lot of ... well... sides.
I wasn't prepared though.
"Are you gay?", she asks me.
"No." I say.
"I think its better you ask "does my teasing arouse you"? I thought just now.
Girls I've met wonder when their teasing have no effect.
And they say I'm gay.
God.
I've probably had melons laid on me for reasons to arouse me...
AND THEY BLAME ME.
God.
Well first, it won't arouse me because I don't love you.
If it did, well I guess I love you.
If it did and I don't love you, you're just really hot.
Second, why blame me if your assets are not well developed.
I mean, why blame my "un-arousal" to your "lack of development".
I don't mean to be rude but. Ok. I don't want to be rude. Sorry.
It's just unfair really.

Lastly, I'm really a romantic boy.
I do a lot of thoughtful things to the people I love and that's not limited to the girl I want to marry.
My friends. Random people.

... Why did I talk about this?
I think I want that girl and I to reach an understanding.
We did have an understanding with a lot of things.
We just didn't have an understanding with the way we feel.
I didn't too.
She was showing me things I've never seen before.
Making me feel things I've never did.
I want to know "Is that what you do to the one you love?".
If it was, you should've told me.
I'm really a good boy and I respect you a lot.

Atleast the next girl I meet I have all the tools and understanding I need.
All I need now... is that magical meeting and that beating heart.

I'm seeing all the possibilities...
... that still includes you no matter how minute that chance maybe.
For the heart will beat for that person,
and for that person the heart will beat.

-Aron

Phase

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 16:52:00 +0000

Our lives are made of so many phases.
Some physical. Some emotional. Some spiritual.
It's like shedding one part of you so that another one can grow.
Similar as to how we lose our milk teeth.
...
I guess...
... we really do live on forever...

... going back.

I've had that dream again. Losing my teeth. Yeah. Hate those dreams.
It's like you've got peanuts in your mouth but you can't chew them.
To your surprise, your teeth is falling off. Ha.
I guess I really am going through another phase.

Working phase.
Kat and Erica sure are nice friends.
They're close neighbors whom usually wonder "Where the hell have I been?".
Honestly... I don't know either.
Do I seem like I don't treasure my friends?
Perhaps.
During my elementary years, I left them without notice.
During my high school years, I went to college without looking around.
Fixated eyes maybe? Pride? Nature? I don't know.
Now that I have graduated college, it's time again I think.
Time again to walk on my own, carrying them with me always.
Although sometimes it is hard. My extroverted exterior always emerges initially.
It's whom they've come to see and know.
My introverted interior however, is always watching and thinking. Understanding and caring.
Where to now? With whom? Why?
I am have so many questions I have but I guess there are somethings you just have to do.
As there are somethings you just have to let go and happen.

I'm scared at the same time hopeful.
I asked my teacher once what is this feeling.
I guess I'll never know...
... But I will always feel.

"Uncertainty does bring fear...
... and along with it is the chance to find your courage."

-Aron

Gendou

noreply@blogger.com (Aron) — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 09:34:00 +0000

Ahhhh I want to join a singing contest that's held over the internet called Gendou Singing Idol. I've been always a fan of japanese songs and I'm pretty particular with Aqua Timez songs. I want to sing Aqua Timez songs which are pretty difficult to sing thanks to their varying phrasing, tempo, and the technique Futoshi (vocalist) uses. I've sung Sen No Yoru O Koete pretty much a 100 times and more already but it still takes a little getting used too. Some songs are pretty hard really like Alones. Velonica too lol.

Either way, I'm scared to make an entry AND even though I want to, signups closed already.

I thought it was opening on Dec 2011 but to my surprise it was on 2010. Oh seriously. Me and my dissociation with time.

I'm still gathering enough courage though. Maybe I'll try recording Mayonaka no Orchestra soon. I'll need a good recording program. Maybe the one that Cua used back then. I'll try that.

God I'm so excited. I remember singing Sen No Yoru in a karaoke. I was so happy I can die already.

I want to sing.

I will sing.

I will find a way.

Zettai ni.

"Your only enemy is yourself and the fear that dwells within you."

-Aron