Waiting for the Rain

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...

2019-07-21T14:21:00.001-04:00

A new day arrived. I shouldn't have taken that Flexeril last night. I can't ever get going the next day and it feels sluggish and harsh. I read today that LC Riouff, the Director of Greek Life when I was an undergraduate at Western Carolina, has come out of retirement and will serve again as Director of Greek Life. I was nearly as flabbergasted as I was about 24 hours ago when the Picard trailer was released.

Christian asked me this morning in our customary text if I was better today. I told him I was simply more introspective and a touch on the weepy side. Picard told his clone at the end of Star Trek: Nemesis that "...it is never too late..." I never thought that statement was true. In fact, I thought it was very hackneyed and contrived.

Now, as I turn again back to my own tomorrow, I can see that perhaps that phrase may be true after all. My thirtieth class reunion is two months away. Another voice from my past has begun to echo along with that of the StarFleet Captain from yesterday. The voice of my senior English teacher, Ms. Carol Moss, quoting Robert Frost ever so gently has joined the chorus of things from the past which give me pause. "The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep."

"...and miles to go before I sleep." I don't want the game to end, either, my dear Picard. Maybe now it doesn't have to end the way I thought it would. Maybe the tomorrow I hope for will indeed emerge.

I am not the person I was those many years ago. I am not even the person I was three years ago. "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace - from day to day 'til the last syllable of recorded time." I better make the most of it.

"Have you ever been a stranger to yourself?", she asked. "Many, many times", he replied.

2019-07-20T21:16:00.001-04:00

Been a long time since I posted. I am 100% sure no one is in the least bit concerned with my innermost thoughts, so at least there's no chance of going viral.

I read somewhere that you can never move ahead if all you do is look behind. It is an excellent adage until you read the one that history is bound to repeat itself if you forget it. Oh, the conflict.

I sit here listening to the Star Trek: Picard trailer and I am filled with a sense of what used to be. Brandy told me once that she wondered what I might have been if life had been different.

Without being overly dramatic, I look back across the gulf of my memories from 1994 until today and I see faces from the past whose absences are palpable. My living room is a universe away from where I was several years ago. Don't get it twisted, as Brandy says. Now is a wonderful time for me. I am about to take my PRP credentialing exam and I have the stability I used to think would never come.

A voice in the trailer said, "Sometimes I worry you have forgotten who you are." There are things about me I have not forgotten. There a labels I hope that the people who love me use when I am not around to describe who I am. Chancellor. Parliamentarian. Best Friend. Insightful. Indefatigable. Loyal without question. Emotional.

Throughout the years, I have lost people to the winds of time...sometimes things fall apart. In 2002, Dr. William K. Haggard, EdD told me "There are good people everywhere, don't be afraid to look." He was right. That statement is a truism for me and I have met so many wonderful souls in my travels.

Watching the trailer was like walking headlong into a door frame when you are not paying attention to where you are going. What have the last two decades brought to bear? At least this evening, it has brought a quiet introspection and a clarity I feel I have been missing for a long time.

I know I could have been better - a better friend, a better employee, a better giver, a better teacher - nothing I can do about that now. Yesterday is as over as the Peloponnesian War. Tomorrow though is another day. Sometimes it is okay to look over your shoulder and see what is no longer. Just don't forget that what you will become could supercede all your regrets and anxieties.

I hope my tomorrow will be just that. Something amazing. I am going to do my best.

I wonder how I will feel when I read this in the future and if I will remember the clarity of today. I hope so, but I'm not getting any fresher.

Another Season but a different outcome

2013-03-06T21:07:00.001-05:00

Yes, its been a long time. I should have done a better job of writing. I didn't. I'll try to do better. That's all I can do is try. Really try, though. Not just some half-assed statement to say I will try and then just flounder and stop.

So much has happened since the last post. THE trip of a lifetime, lots of therapy - some helpful, some totally worthless, government bureaucracy, and crocheting. Yes, I took up crocheting. I wanted to do it because someone I know does it and made it look so easy. So many elderly ladies do it, so I thought I'd just jump right in and do it. Turns out its not as easy as it looks. It's doable - bearable - but takes years to master. Just like life I suppose. Some people just master it faster than others.

I think I just finally decided to stop hiding from myself.

No, that's not true either. I think I just decided to stop hiding period. I've been scared a really long time about a lot of things. I really did want someone to save me from myself. Some people tried. Had it been what I really needed, I would have been fine. Alas, it was not.

All the stuff in self-help books and religious studies that you may have come across about how to be a better person or improve your mood or have a deeper faith seem to all start with "You have to..." I always knew my answer. I always knew what I had to do. I was just too scared.

I saw a movie trailer recently that had a line in it referring to the difference between danger and fear. Fear is an illusion. Fear isn't what hurts you. Fear does; however, alert you to danger. Danger can kill you. I finally took my step. Eight years after I should have and could have but didn't. Because I just didn't want to believe that there was a difference between danger and fear.

Clarity seems so tangible when its just you in the room with a computer screen and the theme song from "House of Cards" playing on a loop in the background. My danger was that I would never leave this house and do what I was meant (whatever that is) to do. My fear was that I was too scared to keep it from coming true.

I hope that we will plant the garden in about six weeks or so. It will be bigger and further from the fence this year. We had terrible slugs last year; but, we changed our approach.

It's another season, but a different outcome.

Movies and more movies...

2012-06-20T17:31:00.001-04:00

     Well, as I have been absolutely lax beyond belief at posting, I think I will try again except this time I am planning on delving into the realm of movies. Something my dear old friend Charlie Kinslow and I used to chat about now and again. That man is not only a complete saint but knows a total ton about cinema - old and new.

     Today, on the summer solstice of 2012, I find myself watching the ever amazing Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla - with the amazing line "Godzilla put a curse on Japan!". Now, I have no idea why, of the tons of movies I am able to watch at this moment, why this one came to the forefront. While moving through this Roku box, all I could do was smile when this title slid into view.

     Earlier, I sat through two residents of the bottom of the movie barrel (depending on which barrel you are looking through) - Marked for Death (with the ever present Sho Kosuge as the Japanese ninja battling the mob) and American Ninja 4 (with martial artist(?) Michael Dudikoff). 'Sayonara' boredom; 'ohayou gozaimasu' fun midsummer night!

   I will make a sincere effort to make a post daily with some movie or thought that runs through my head. After trying some new medicine, I will admit to having more energy and motivation to begin this endeavor again. I know one of my flaws is being afraid to put myself out there lest the past creep up on me. All I can say is that the past is behind and tomorrow is ahead. The only thing anyone can do to make recompense for the past is to be the best one can be each new day.

   With that - I relax and allow this film to whisk me away to the year 1999 - and watch Godzilla wreck havoc once again. Cheers until next time!

104

2012-03-23T21:22:00.002-04:00

I just noticed that I had 104 posts the year I started this blog and only 1 this year! (and only 1 last year)....Wow...talk about letting time get away from you.

Fringe is on at the moment, there is Steel Reserve in the fridge, and a really cute Jack Russell named Gwizdo is just laying here dreaming...

So, allow this snippet to be what it is --- I have a couple more thoughts in the ole noggin this evening.

Seven months

2012-03-23T20:58:00.003-04:00

Yes, Ive been gone too long. I have, however, figured out a couple things. First of all, that two or three year period when people move away from everyone to "find themselves" --- well, I used to rain on that parade. Alas, I was mistaken. Time like that is sometimes critical to understanding yourself.

Tonight, its raining - for the first time in a couple weeks. I sit here thinking, reading back over some of the blogs Ive written, that I have said some crazy shit - focused some interesting ideas - blathered on and on about personal nonsense - but that is what blogs are for (at least for those of us not super-interesting).

That's not really the crux of things tho. I am a frightened person. I suppose I have been for a very long time...for as long as I can remember. Fear can drive many engines - including those which are destructive, paralyzing, upsetting, and horrifying. Fear is illogical - as Spock says - but still, I remain frightened.

At some point, soon - I will find a way to move away from this fear and find what I was meant to do.

I have many failings as a person - some blatant, some hidden. At the core - I remain the same person Ive been - a need to feel useful, a need to be indispensable to someone, forgiveness when I fuck up, support when its earned, and for the love of Mary - a little bit of slack. My friendships aren't business/professional arrangements.

Should you want me around, cut me some slack...you know I'd do the same (and most likely have done the same whether you realize it or not) for you.

All that being said -- Bruce and Christy and Philip and Amber - - - - - - Ill be indebted to you for a very long time. I am going to work on the things I need to fix and I know youll be there.

If you happen to be reading this because you follow this blog, Ill try to write more. Its about to be the rainy season again.

I should have been a meteorologist, shouldn't I? I am going to have to fix that...

Another day past

2011-09-02T19:34:00.004-04:00

Yes, its been a lifetime since my last post. I suppose one of my many weak points is that I lack the ability to follow through on a great many things - especially ones that sometimes make me draw blanks. Dave Chapelle had the same problem when he left his show, didn't he?

Ill close this very short re-introduction into blogging by saying that there are three tropical systems out there, two rounds of storms here today, and the Autumn is coming soon.

Though I have said it before, remember what Laura Alexander used to say, my friends...

"Who knows what the future will bring?"

One thing is certain. Sometimes we lose people we dearly love through our own foolishness. Sometimes we lose them because things just weren't meant to be. Sometimes, though, the ones who stick around are the ones you should hold on to. They are truly rare.

Ryan Cox and others...et.al.

2011-08-01T17:12:00.003-04:00

((This post was originally written on July 19, 2011)

So, all things being equal - - - I haven't posted in a while....

mostly because the folks to follow this have something to say about what I have talked about, or what i have or have not done, or Lord knows what.

Nonetheless, I stopped posting for a good long while. I just couldn't stand hearing what folks I have disappointed in the past had to comment.

Ok, so you made your point, once again, Sir Cox.

Ill get back to it.

I just wonder who is still listening....

So few and far between

2010-11-06T22:45:00.002-04:00

It seems that as of late, even as my reminders dwindle, posts come fewer and fewer. Lets just say I'm thinking what comes next. There is a certain dichotomy between what is and what will be. I am coming to my resolution faster than I'd like. Needless to say, for those who have the 'code' to read it, Stone Meadow wins out over Sailway...not that there needs to be a contest. In the end, I know I am better off at the first over the second.

Cryptic? Yes. This post comes at the end of a great deal of deliberation. Far at the end of the line, I need to be what Ilynn said so many years ago...self-sufficient and where I need to be.

Ill say this for the day ...

There are those I miss and those I long to be with from day to day. But, as Helen Melton Whitaker used to say "Crap in one hand and wish in the other and see which fills up faster...".
If, in the end I am wrong in this endeavor, Ill be incredibly surprised. It hasn't taken me this long to figure out what to do - its taken me this long to get up the courage to do it.

Ive had many stages in my life - very interesting ones - and Im thankful for them all. What comes next? Who knows. What I do know is this. Its time...just like Christy Boughman told me - its time to do something.

I need to be brave, less worrysome, and just do what needs doing.

Ten years from now, I'll look back on this and smile - and know it was for the best.

The FearFest that COULD have been...

2010-10-30T21:32:00.002-04:00

So after two weeks of horror movies, I have to say that this year is no better or worse than last year. I realize that AMC is starting a zombie series on Sunday, but that doesnt mean that someone at AMC couldnt have put about 15 minutes over a box of doughnuts in a conference room to make some better decisions.

The staples were all present: the original Dracula (Nosferatu - silent and the 1931 with Bela Lugosi), Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, The Creature from the Black Lagoon - and rightly so. Even the marathons of the Friday the 13th and the Halloween series were welcome and seasoned in their blood, gore, and mayhem. On the other end of the spectrum, however - was the ghastly Italian import Slaughter of the Vampires and the public domain sequel to the Amazing Colossal Man - War of the Colossal Beast.

With a little more thought, the offerings could have included some of the classics - including the original Mummy, Witchboard, Interview with a Vampire, An American Werewolf in London, the (original) Blob, and about fifteen others.

Next year, AMC, perhaps you might even delight us with some of your original movies youve had produced and released to DVD. Leave the low (or no) budget pieces of work to yourself - or at least bring Elvira and Joe Bob Briggs back to entertain us.

Dont mistake me, AMC execs - thank you thank you for two whole weeks of very good movies and frightening fare - since no other network does as much as you do. All I ask, and there may be others out there, is take suggestions next time. We'd like to be part of the process.

And for Halloween, my good friends, i sign off and wish you ...very very ... pleasant....screams!!!

FearFest - - Happy Halloween

2010-10-28T15:34:00.003-04:00

Ive never said it here, but I absolutely adore Halloween. Im not sure why nor can I tell you the moment I realized it, but nonetheless, I do. For the past week, I have made it my mission to be engrossed in AMC's FearFest. It has been completely delightful!! At this moment (note the timestamp), I am watching the 1931 Dracula - and it is a triumph of cinema! I could care less what Roger Ebert says!

I challenge you, my good readers, to think of the horror movies you like, if you like any of them. Ill tell you this.

Saturday evening/Sunday evening (which ever Trick or Treat'ers frequent), the DVR where I am will be showing the CLASSICS - Nosferatu, Frankenstein, Dracula, The Wolf Man, and The Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Pleasant screams!! ((evil laugh follows))

Reckless Abandon

2010-10-25T11:44:00.003-04:00

Nothing new going on this end. Thought I should at least keep everyone up to date on the goings on of "status quo". The rain is particularly calming today. I didnt expect it would creep up like it did. The forecast mentioned SOME rain, but wow - this was a very pleasant surprise.

With the AMC Fear Fest 2010 marathon entering its second week, Ill just quote Beldar Conehead before I sign off.

"Stability and contentment have been achieved".

Oh, and my song of the week, which 2LT Ramey calls "crappy" is - The Temper Trap's Sweet Disposition. VERY GOOD - at least in my opinion.

No rainy day blues here. Let's all hope that Caprice's classes are going well.

Before JPA sends me a note...

2010-10-10T16:13:00.002-04:00

I have not posted in a couple days and Im 6 into a 12 pack so now seems like as good of a time as any.

First, yes, I missed Homecoming. Im sure the MAB email will be scathing and harsh. Much like my meetings with MBW.

Second, its my step mothers birthday. Happy Birthday, Susan. You deserve the best after dealing with BDW for so many years.

Third, any questions? Lets hear them --- Ill be honest in subsequent posts ...

Tropical Storm Otto

2010-10-07T13:51:00.002-04:00

I cant complain after the last rain event here. It was absolutely incredible. Now, Tropical Storm Otto comes along, forms, and moves in the COMPLETE opposite direction that most storms move - due WEST. Sigh, I think to myself. It going to be a long dry fall. At least the temperatures are nice. I know this one is short, but I just couldnt believe that a storm would form and just go away. I suppose thats life tho. You expect something to blow up - and instead it just blows away.

Thats not a bad way to have things unfold.

If youve been waiting...

2010-10-07T13:12:00.002-04:00

I started listening to Pandora again today. I was cleaning the house and didnt have anything special I wanted to hear, so as I used to, I just clicked on "Here With Me" radio and waited for the techno (yes, dont be surprised) to begin. ATB is still my favorite, but there are a few like Alice DJ, Robert Miles, Hypertrophy, and even a Madonna song in there that just makes you want to get up and do something!!

In this case, I was not disappointed. I wonder what will play next. If you havent yet, sign up for a free account. It will keep up with playlists you like and always perks up an otherwise dull afternoon.

Also, if you havent looked, a friend of mine from Western has his own photography site on Facebook. If you need a little diversion, take a gander here. Matthew is very talented and I think he will do well.

Thermodynamics and feeling badly

2010-10-01T16:33:00.002-04:00

Ive said it before and Ill say it again. Sometimes, when life goes to shit, Im reminded of the Third law of thermodynamics. Paraphrased it can be summed up by saying "You can't win, you can't break even, and you can't get out of the game."

In this particular case, feeling nostalgic for the past and listening to Imogen Heap, I see a particular photograph of someone from my past and can't help but wonder what if. JBR and ESD have both said to me recently that they wonder what if on occasion. I remember telling them that there is no point in doing that. The universe unfolds as it should. Looking back doesnt do anything at all but bring you to the point of tears and consume your whole self with doubt and sorrow about moments long gone.

I submit to you, whoever you are reading this, it is perfectly acceptable and maybe even encouraged to shed a tear or two about things that might have been. Don't misunderstand me. Gandalf said it best when he reminded Frodo that no one gets to say "I wish _______ had never happened". All we can do is decide (anything) one way or the other and hope that that decision is proper. If its not, well --- in that case.... all you can do is look a photographs and remember, with a happy disposition an easier time.

I could ramble on all day but - I made my choice. I am, for the most part, completely content and well taken care of. I cannot say that I regret where I am now - I certainly do not. RBB, 2 and PGR are amazing friends and keep me very centered - - - more so than in any time in my life. Still, how many of us dont just wonder - the possibilities? Thank goodness that every reality that can happen, has. If you believe in the intricacies of quantum mechanics, you've got that to look toward.

I will make a manifest effort to be happy in my own skin. As it stands now, I certainly am. I worry - like always - but things work out. I am safe, happy, fed, and secure. I can say that I do know who I am and where I belong. That has been a long time coming.

That doesnt mean that I miss the things that could have been. Thermodynamics aside - it would be nice to win. Maybe Im closer to it than I think. Maybe we all are...

...that doesnt mean I dont miss that one rainy night in Kentucky; or that one trip to Waterrock Knob on the foggy night; or the events that made me who I am today.

Maybe I shouldnt have asked for so much...

2010-09-30T22:46:00.002-04:00

Wilmington NC set an all time record for rainfall since record keeping began A HUNDRED THIRTY YEARS AGO! Ok, so maybe that was a touch too much rain. The only thing that would have made it better (aside from the Sailway couch and beer or the Pinebluff Porch) would have been to be in Myrtle Beach on a balcony watching it. Maybe next time...

Holy crap - THAT was rain. Fall is here.

And the rain listened...

2010-09-29T11:34:00.003-04:00

Two more days of solid rain. Didn't see this one coming. Just goes to show you what Ive heard can go both ways; its the things you don't expect. Id like to take a moment to pay my respects to Mr. Glenn Marlin. He will be sorely missed by all who knew him. Im glad I got to know him since his grandson and I have been friends over the last twenty-two some odd years.

Take a moment today to call someone you love and tell them that you do. You just never know. Its the things you don't expect...

Rain, Rain - - Stay.

2010-09-27T20:58:00.003-04:00

It has arrived, my friends. The rain - two whole days of it. Solid and cool, this event marks the end of an eventful summer. I plan on doing quite a bit of writing while I still can as I think it may rain tomorrow as well. The Dixie Classic Fair has been coming to Winston-Salem for over 80 years and it is coming here Friday. I will most likely go with my sister and brother-in-law next weekend, as I havent been in MANY MANY years. Nothing like elephant ears and having someone guess your weight to make you feel like Fall has indeed arrived.

Supernatural was a slight disappointment Thursday. Something about AD Skinner from the X-Files as the Grandfather just makes me feel like Mulder and Skully are sitting outside in a car waiting to arrest the Winchesters.

A big thanks this week to JPA for reminding me, yet again, I had become lax in writing and to Abshire for allowing me to explain the science and mathematics behind "The Event" on NBC.

One more thing - - PGR - for the Busch Light, the garage sitting, and for letting me lock you out of your house. Sorry about that.

Now - I wonder if its gonna rain Friday...

All the great shows

2010-09-23T21:30:00.001-04:00

The West Wing, Smallville, Eureka, Battlestar Galactica - and now - Fringe. I am beyond stoked for this to have come back on. It looks like an amazing season. So, even though there is no rain in sight - (lets hope for Saturday)...

There is Fringe...and Supernatural tomorrow night. Hallelujah!

Almost just isnt enough

2010-09-22T21:08:00.002-04:00

So, I came outside to watch the first thunderstorm of Fall roll this way in my usual spot. I can see the lightning - but for some strange reason - the core of the storm is moving DUE east - - - and will miss us altogether. What a shame. It looked like a good one. At least the light show is good.

Another good thing about this week is that the new seasons of your (and my) favorite shows are coming back...and none too soon. The Biggest Loser wont get good til about January, but at least Supernatural and Fringe are here again. The weekend is coming soon and I hope everyone has decent plans out there. Depth isnt coming these days. Ive been working on my latest short story and its consumed most of my pith and creativity.

If any of you play Frontierville - SEND ME BRICKS!! Im about to stop playing that effing game because I cant get what I need. Maybe its a sign...

...or maybe not.

Post One Hundred and Warehouse Thirteen

2010-09-21T22:01:00.003-04:00

The season finale of Warehouse 13 hit close to home this evening. I felt EXACTLY the same way when I left that town in Virginia. Sometimes you just know things arent for the best and as much as it sucks, you just have to walk away. Almost always, things work out and you find something that was better. I cant say Ive been disappointed when Ive walked away from things before...tho they almost always suck in the short term.

In other news - tomorrow is game night and we are on part three of our campaign. Sure could use another person for a third adventurer. Hump day tomorrow folks - have a good one and dont work too hard.

The diet begins - but its not the worst part

2010-09-20T19:31:00.002-04:00

I actually walked around the block TWICE today. Seriously - Dave Whitaker, exercise? Isn't that like George Bush scoring high on the MENSA exam? Well folks, as Stuart Robinson said earlier, "It must indeed be cold in the upper reaches of Hades". Still I like eating better, more often BUT much MUCH smaller portions, and with spices. Get this - HALF a chicken breast FILLED ME UP.

Yes, youre talkin to the guy who COULD at one time eat 6 Big Mac's at one sitting and still want a pie. Itll be a long road. My housemate's mother lost 30 pounds but at about a pound or two a week. I told someone that by July 4th I was hoping that I could wear a pair of their size 32 board shorts to the pool.

Time will tell. NO RAIN still - but eh, its coming soon enough. Stay tuned folks - ill be back soon enough.

So far this September

2010-09-18T22:24:00.002-04:00

Bruce's birthday was today. He had a great day and got an iPad. It was an amazing afternoon and Im almost Loremaster so thats three good things.

Also, if you have NEVER seen it or heard of it, get on Hulu and watch Blacula and Scream, Blacula, Scream. These two films are just amazing. Campy? Sure. Blaxploitation? Absolutely. Still, Samuel Z. Arkoff really knew how to make 'em back in the day.

Its just about depressing that there is still no rain on the horizon. When this little drought we are in comes to a halt, the equilibrium that'll be needed to bring things back into balance will make the Flood for the Ark look like a Spring sprinkle, so that one I can wait for.

Besides in about five weeks, itll be the middle of OCTOBER...and the chill will really be on its way.

Oh, and my diet is goin pretty well. Im down 8 pounds and tryin to get down to a really unmanagable weight. Pull for me.

Three at once and

2010-09-14T21:34:00.004-04:00

We find ourselves in the midst of another busy season and there are three tropical systems in the Basin again. Alas, we have YET to get any appreciable rain out of the Hurricane season. Of course, there is another peak in October - a SLIGHT one - but I have a distinct feeling that even that won't bless us with any precipitation. After the amazing snow we had earlier in the year, I dont suppose I can complain. Nonetheless, Im still longing for a nice couple of nothing but slow even keeled rain.

My brother-in-law said earlier "Just because you are paranoid, doesn't mean that theyre not out to get you." Man, thats the truth. Wanting something doesnt make it happen. Dreaming hard enough doesnt make dreams come true. Im not being pessimistic here, more like being realistic. Granted, the universe unfolds as it should - and I completely agree with that.

Ill keep being paranoid, it wont help, and no rain in the forecast til at least next week. At least my panic attack is over. It really sucked.