Yet the suffering is not from the feelings themselves, but from the resistance to them.

When you are ready to truly feel what you’ve been avoiding, it can open the door to new insights and peace.

If you’re on the path of waking up, learning how to process feelings and emotions fully is essential, if you want to move from intellectual to embodied awakening.

Please note that in this article I’m using the words feelings and emotions interchangeably.

What Does it Mean to Process?

To process is to fully experience. It’s the opposite of burying or bypassing your feelings.

This is simple, but not easy, because we’ve lost touch with what we feel. You may not even be aware of the sensations dancing all over your body right this moment.

If that is the case, you will have to reconnect to the body.

When you first reconnect, you may experience discomfort and restlessness, but stick with it, and it will be replaced with a sense of being alive.

This doesn’t happen after feeling everything just once. This is a practice. You return to the body over and over. Eventually it becomes natural, the way it always was.

Why Should You Learn How to Feel?

Perhaps the most obvious reason is that suppressing feelings doesn’t work.

When you begin to feel fully, you realize that there’s nothing to be afraid of. Yes, it won’t feel amazing, but all things considered, it’s much better than pushing feelings away.

And if you’re on the awakening path, emotional work is an essential part of that.

So if you’re inquiring into the separate self or ego and you don’t seem to be making much headway, but strong emotions are coming up, then that is showing you what to explore next.

Often the feeling of separateness is the avoidance of feeling, so emotional work and awakening go hand in hand.

Related Article: What is Spiritual Awakening? (An Honest Guide)

How to Process Feelings and Emotions Fully

Learning how to sit with feelings comes down to just feeling.

In most cases, it’s not that easy, because there is resistance and sometimes protective mechanisms in place.

When we were younger, our thinking and distractions may have saved us from being overwhelmed. In that sense, they helped us. Now it’s time to explore if that help is still needed.

Let’s explore a few techniques:

1. Explore

Start by getting in touch with your body.

Feel what is there. Feel your hands, arms, legs, and feet.

Then bring your attention to your torso, which is where most emotions and feelings seem to reside.

Pay attention to how your mind wants to instantly label what is going on (fear, sadness, joy, neutral), whether you like or dislike what is there, and what it means.

Instead of going into the label-game, pay attention to the sensations. Observe how the sensations constantly move. They may pulsate, undulate, shimmer, or even circle.

When a feeling like sadness is labeled, it is pointing to ever-changing sensations that are constantly coming and going.

The first step is to become curious about what is going on. Notice the sensations dancing in the body.

2. Feel Everything

Let’s say you’re exploring fear in the solar plexus area.

When you tune into it, maybe you notice that there’s a heavy pulsing, but it also radiates outward.

If you want to dive in right away, recognize where the fear is in the body, and let it expand as much as it wants. Feel everything fully. Focus on the core of the fear, and allow it to spread.

In other words, instead of trying to make it go away, try go make it bigger.

If you want to take a gentler approach, observe the outer parts of the fear. For example, if the fear is in the solar plexus area, the outside edge might reach the heart. Instead of diving into the most intense part of the fear, start by feeling the edge first.

As the intensity lessens, move toward the center of the fear until you’re feeling it fully.

3. Resistance

It’s highly likely that you will resist this process when you begin.

You may find yourself caught in thinking or fantasizing about what you’re going to do next.

This is to be expected so don’t beat yourself up if it occurs. Simply return to feeling.

Note any resistance, and include it in the feeling. Welcome the feeling of resistance and the thought associated with it.

Be aware of distractions. Anything that takes you away from the feeling is likely a distraction.

Remember, it’s not enough to do this once. Keep welcoming the repeating resistance. If there’s resistance to the resistance, let that also be okay.

4. Distancing

You may also notice a pull to distance yourself from feeling.

This can arise in the form of labeling, judging, evaluating, or even taking the subtle position of a feeler feeling something.

Whenever you notice a pulling away, return back to feeling everything.

For example, if you notice the thought “I can’t take this,” become aware that it is a distraction from fully feeling and the resistance itself is what is creating the suffering.

Welcome that thought, feel it fully, and feel the original sensations (fear in this case).

A Note on Distancing

There is a place for labeling emotions if they are too intense. This is what is done in Vipassana.

For example, you can keep it simple by sticking to three labels: image (internal visual), talk (internal sound), and feel (sensation).

It might look something like this:

• Thought about not wanting to feel = note talk
• Squirmy feeling in chest = note sensation
• Image of feeling bad on playground at age 5 = note image

There’s no right way to do this. Listen to your intuition and what feels right. Experiment and try things.

Now, here are some common questions about this process.

Q: What if the Feeling Doesn’t Move or Shift?

If the feeling doesn’t move or shift, there may be some resistance.

If you’re feeling the emotion just to get rid of it, it won’t work. Instead, approach this with curiosity. Go in with the attitude of learning what is going on.

Pay attention to where in the body the sensations are, how they move, and notice what the resistances are. Become a scientist that is just there to explore, not to get rid of anything.

When you first start, you may notice an aversion to unpleasant feelings. You just want to run away, or distract. It may be so habitual that you don’t even notice it until you’re grabbing some ice cream or fantasizing about the future.

Go easy on yourself. Bring yourself back to the feeling and feel it fully even if the mind is freaking out.

Do it for just one minute at first, then take a break.

Q: What if I Can’t Feel Anything?

Start by feeling your hands. Put your hands on your lap and notice how you know that your hands are on your lap. There are sensations there.

Put your hand on the table. Note the coldness, neutrality, or warmth. Explore the whole body like this and eventually it will come alive.

Practices that bring awareness to the body may also be helpful, such as qigong or yoga.

Q: How Do I Explore Resistance?

Try saying things like:

• I am ready to feel this fully
• I can release this now
• I’m not afraid feeling

If there is resistance, “it” will respond. When it responds, pay attention to what it is saying, and feel it fully.

You can also dialogue with resistance and fear. Simply ask what the fear is protecting. This may take some time, as the answers can come in whispers or opaque images, but you’ll get the hang of it.

Q: What if a Feeling or Emotion Won’t Stop?

Sometimes when you begin processing and feeling, the body may have a lot to say.

I’ve sometimes unearthed sadness that has lasted for weeks. It’s generally not constant. It comes and goes in waves.

If this happens, take some time each day to lie down and feel everything. It’s nothing to be afraid of. The mind may say that this is stuck here forever, but that’s another distraction from feeling.

Notice that the resistance to feeling is the suffering. It’s not the sensations in the body that are the problem, it’s the resistance to them.

Important Note

This is not about getting rid of any feeling or emotion, but about seeing that everything can be felt.

There will always be pleasant, neutral, and unpleasant sensations. That will never change.

Learning how to feel is simply about getting comfortable with being present with emotions.

Notice what comes up as you read this. If you want this to be done, that is avoiding feeling something. If you feel the urge to look for another technique, that is seeking trying to escape what is here.

On Trauma

Over time, if you aren’t seeing shifts and more relaxation, you may want to stop, and find someone who can help you process feelings and emotions.

This is especially true if you feel worse the more you try to do this. This is an indication that there is a mechanism trying to stop you from feeling, because it doesn’t feel safe.

A good route is to work with a professional that is familiar working with trauma and difficult emotions.

You could also check out the following book on the topic: The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.

(Disclaimer: The above link is an affiliate link, which gives me a small percentage of any sale you make on Amazon. Thank you in advance for your support!)

A Relevant Summary

Learning how to process feelings and emotions comes down to fully feeling everything.

The suffering comes from the reaction to what is felt. Thoughts weave a story about how you can’t handle this, how you have to escape, and how the future is doomed.

This escape into thoughts, in many cases, helped us survive when we were younger.

But the question now is: Are these protective mechanisms still needed?

If not, the answer is to begin exploring what it is like to feel everything.

Reconnect with your whole being and begin to taste the aliveness that has always been here.

All the best,
Henri

I was curious about what was going on.

Doing this, I was thrown into a dark night of the soul, which lasted many years.

That experience culminated in a spiritual awakening. If you’re interested in my whole story, read this article.

Before you continue, remember that each path to awakening is unique. There is no one path. In this article, I am simply sharing what happened.

So above all, trust your own experience, and follow your intuition.

A short warning before you begin: If you are not serious about this kind of awakening, do not continue. This can be destabilizing, because it is a fundamental shift in identity. Sometimes just reading about this can have a profound effect.

So, What is Spiritual Awakening?

When I refer to awakening, I’m talking about what’s called stream-entry (Wikipedia) in Buddhism or kenshō in Zen.

It could also be called first awakening. Different people use different terms to refer to this, so be aware of it.

Before awakening, there is a belief in an unchanging, separate self that thinks, feels, experiences, decides, and makes things happen separate from everything else.

After, it is seen that all of the above are subject to causes and conditions. When the separate self is inquired into, or explored, you only find sensations, sounds, images, tastes, smells, and thoughts.

You do not find an inherent self, a homunculus sitting somewhere in the head or heart controlling things.

Now, before spiritual awakening, you will feel like there is something solid there. The mirage seems real.

This may sound mystical, but in reality it is absolutely ordinary.

There is the recognition that there was never a controller, decider, or doer. This recognition is not intellectual, but experiential. There is a shift in perspective.

You see that things are just happening.

If you try to adopt non-doership as a belief, it will not go well, so if you feel like a doer, then be a doer.

Stages of Awakening

Instead of giving you a general rundown of the stages, I’ll share what my experience was. This is a broad strokes outline of what happened:

1. Normal life. For around the first twenty years of my life, everything was normal. Thoughts were real. Beliefs were set in stone. Any discomfort was externalized and blamed on someone or something else. There was a constant seeking to feel good and avoid pain. No awareness. No presence.
2. Opening. Interest in lucid dreaming, which led to meditation. I discovered a different world. Health problems were healed naturally and through energy work. I began questioning how things were done. I began to wonder what else wasn’t the way I thought it was.
3. Meditation. Meditation deepened. Discovered that the present moment is always here. I am not my thoughts or feelings. I am the dance floor and life is the dance. Thoughts were challenged. I began following my heart.
4. Dark night. After years of meditation and inquisitiveness, I found myself in a dark night of the soul. Suddenly everything was meaningless and hopeless. Thoughts were seen as thoughts. Life was empty. No happiness. No purpose. Emotional material bubbled up to the surface. I tried to escape, but eventually I surrendered to it all. I felt everything.
5. Inquiry. I began to wonder: Who is suffering? Who am I? This eventually led to examining the five physical senses (seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, tasting), looking for supposed self that was in such anguish. I could find nothing. All I found were strong sensations that felt like me, but no inherent me.
6. Awakening. There was no big bang, no celebration. One day I stood in the kitchen and realized “Oh, there is just this.” And by ‘this’ I was referring to the senses dancing. There was just seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting, smelling, and thinking. The separate self was always an illusion seemingly created when two or more senses became intertwined.
7. Deepening. I want to put this here, because this is just the beginning. There’s a reason this is called first awakening. While this is a permanent shift, there are more layers to explore. Each layer becomes obvious when the previous one is seen through.

Again, if you’re interested in my full story in all its detail, you will find it here.

The Path to Spiritual Awakening

There are many paths to spiritual awakening. Once again, I’ll stick to my experience, because that is where I can provide the freshest take.

Looking back, there are four main tools I used leading up to awakening.

1. Feeling Everything

I discovered the power of releasing emotions at the age of 16, if my memory serves me right. I found EFT (tapping). I realized that I could make uncomfortable emotions go away by tapping. That’s all I cared about at the time.

Over the years, I explored many different modalities and techniques for dealing with emotions. Eventually it just became the simple act of feeling everything fully.

The sense of self is often a contraction in the body, a sensation, that is mistaken to be an inherent self. As I released emotions, I began to see that each contraction wasn’t the self.

I didn’t realize it this clearly at the time, but looking back, I see how this began eroding the belief in a doer.

I also discovered that all emotions could be welcomed. There was no need to push away intense sensations. As I relaxed into them fully, and let them expand, there was peace and release.

2. Surrender

If there’s one word that resonated with me during this path, it was surrender.

Something from the Tao Te Ching always stayed with me:

The Master does nothing,
Yet he leaves nothing undone.
The ordinary man is always doing things,
Yet many more are left to be done.

Tao Te Ching (Stephen Mitchell Translation)

It didn’t make sense logically at the time, but I could feel it. There was something there. I would at times come back and re-read it, and just sit in the feeling.

Going through the dark night of the soul forced me to surrender. I was holding on for dear life. Eventually it was too much, and the only way to survive was to let go.

Trying to be someone. Trying to survive. Trying to push away what I didn’t want. Resisting everything.

All of it had to be surrendered. It was never my job. It didn’t mean I stopped surviving, it meant I stopped the illusion that I was in complete control.

And eventually even the need to surrender falls away.

3. Self-Inquiry

Self-inquiry was a practice recommended by Ramana Maharshi (Wikipedia).

It is the practice of inquiring into the sense of “I” or “I am.”

Even before the dark night of the soul, I was fascinated by the question: “Who is this?”

When a thought appeared, there was the question: “Who is this?”

After the dark night, self-inquiry intensified, and I began to wonder who was suffering. It never became the sole focus, but it opened the door to direct pointing.

4. Direct Pointing

Direct pointing is looking for the inherent self directly.

You explore direct experience, which is mostly seeing, hearing, and feeling. You look for what you believe yourself to be.

If you feel a sensation in your chest that feels like you, you explore that. You separate the senses, so you can examine each one individually.

This is what Vipassana or mindfulness meditation does. It’s a great option if you’re looking for a meditation practice.

As you practice, you begin to see how the illusion of a separate self is formed. There may be a sensation in the chest, a thought labeling ‘I feel anxious’, a quick movement back to the sensation, and this is how the show starts.

As you pay attention, your sensory clarity increases. Meaning, you are able to notice faster and subtler movements. You notice how attention jumps all over the body while thought is labeling, creating the sense of permanence, and an inherent self.

I will write in more detail about all of the above tools in other articles, so make sure you’re subscribed to the newsletter (see end of post).

This is Not an Easy Path

At least it wasn’t for me.

Although if you’re reading this, you probably don’t care about difficulty. You care about what’s real and what’s not, so to speak.

Even so, you may not be aware that spiritual awakening and healing go hand in hand. As you inquire with more precision, old traumas may begin to surface.

You may suddenly find yourself avoiding practice, having anger outbursts, or isolating yourself from friends and family.

This is a sign that there’s something that needs to be dealt with.

If you have a history of trauma or PTSD, it’s crucial that you have help on this path. There are many modalities that are helpful, such as EMDR, somatic therapy, or any other professional therapist that knows this territory (see Spiritual Emergence Network).

Awakening and trauma are not two things. They often go together. Do not use spiritual awakening and inquiry to bypass your shadows.

Trust Yourself

The path to spiritual awakening can be confusing.

It’s easy to give away your power, because you don’t know what’s going on.

Yet it’s vital that you trust your own experience. Follow what resonates at a deep level. Let it guide you.

Each path to awakening is unique, so whatever you experience is perfect. Trust it. And trust that inner sense that gently guides you to the next thing to explore.

In reality, it is all just happening, but before truly seeing this, it can be helpful to orient to your inner GPS.

After Spiritual Awakening

Spiritual awakening is not the end.

Read my article on the expectations of awakening to see the common misconceptions.

To see that there is no inherent self is the beginning. In Buddhism they say that you’re now entering the stream that will lead to liberation or enlightenment.

Many may say that this is the end. There is nothing to do. Yet you still suffer. You react. You get irritated. You push and pull on experience.

This is the next step coming to the forefront, namely reactivity. This is a time for emotional work, which eventually leads to equanimity.

Resources

I will write more on this topic, but for now, here are some resources that you can explore while you wait.

Some of the below links are affiliate links, which means I get a small share of any purchase with no added cost to you. Thank you in advance.

• Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. An excellent book for not just getting started on this path, but seeing that you are not your thoughts or your emotions.
• The Mind Illuminated by Culadasa (late John Yates). A book for anyone wanting to take the more concentration-focused approach to meditation. This is another one I highly recommend.
• Liberation Unleashed. This is a forum that helps people see through the separate self. You can sign-up for free. Then you wait for a guide, and a conversation begins. It is not a guarantee of awakening, of course, but it is an excellent way to explore.
• Angelo DiLullo on YouTube. Angelo is someone who has traveled the whole path when it comes to the ten buddhist fetters. His YouTube channel contains meditations, interviews, and great content on waking up. He also has a book I recommend: Awake: It’s Your Turn.

Summary

Please remember that everything that I’ve shared are more concepts. They aren’t inherently real, which makes this so difficult to write about.

Spiritual awakening is a fundamental shift in identity.

While this article makes the path up to spiritual awakening sound rather dark, which it definitely can be, it also is a tremendous freedom from a large chunk of suffering.

I wouldn’t trade this for anything, and would happily go through the darkness again.

To truly see that there is no inherent self is freeing, yet it is not the end of the path. It is the beginning.

Even so, it can turn your world upside down in a good way. More peace, lightness, and humor are suddenly available.

You see that the burden was never on you to figure life out.

It was always just happening.

All the best,
Henri

Direct experience points to what is experienced in this moment.

Not in thought. Not in the future or in the past. Right here, right now.

Direct experience is simply:

• See (images)
• Hear (sounds)
• Feel (sensations)
• Taste
• Smell

Then there’s thought, which is often an obstacle when inquiring into the sense of self, separate self or ego.

You can still use thought in everyday life, but for this specific application, it is rarely helpful.

What is Not Direct Experience?

When you think of an apple, that’s not direct experience. You can’t grab it and eat it. You can sort of feel it in a vague way, but it’s not a tangible thing.

When you remember a song you like, that’s not direct experience either.

This distinction between what is experienced now vs. thought is important. Once you truly see it, you realize that you’ve spent most of your life in a conceptual la-la land.

Why is Direct Experience Important?

In terms of awakening, it’s vital, because it allows you to see how the illusion of self is created.

When two or more physical senses come together, the illusion begins forming. This is especially true when seeing, hearing, and feeling start dancing together.

For example, you might imagine what you’re doing tomorrow (see/image), you feel apprehensive (feel/sensation), and you say to yourself that you wish wouldn’t have to do it (hear/internal talk), then you feel sad (feel/sensation).

And all of the above feels (feel/sensation) like it’s happening to someone (feel and see/image), referring to a self.

This often happens in the blink of an eye, which is why it’s so easy to miss, yet it is there for anyone to see.

How to Practice Direct Experience

There’s a whole meditative approach that focuses on this, it’s called mindfulness or Vipassana.

However, to start, begin to notice what is here right now.

Listen to the sounds for a few seconds.

See the colors around you.

Feel the sensations in your body without going into story.

If you have trouble staying with direct experience, you can label see, hear, or feel. If you see a cup, say ‘see’ silently. Then look at the cup for a few seconds.

Then if your attention is drawn to a sound, say ‘hear’, and listen for a few seconds.

That’s the simple approach. Let’s take a few examples.

Example: See

How do you know what color your pants are right now?

Did you think about what you put on earlier today? If so, that is not direct experience. Instead, look at your pants. See, right now, what color they are.

Now, look at something else in the room. Notice the color and shape. Then close your eyes and see the same object. Do this a few times to get familiar with how they feel and look different.

Example: Hear

Listen to something , and then stop the sound. Now remember the sound.

Note the difference.

You could use your phone’s alarm clock for this, or a ringtone, or music, or the sound of your voice humming.

Anything works as long as you can start and stop the sound, and then remember hearing it.

Avoid This Mistake

As you get used to this, it’s easy to slip into a kind of conceptual direct experience, where you’re thinking about the present moment without noticing it.

It often comes with a feeling of impatience or boredom. This is even more likely if you’re looking into the illusion of self. Instead of looking in direct experience, you’re thinking about what you’re seeing.

This is why it’s helpful to get feedback on this, even if you’re just exploring this with a friend.

To avoid this, start labeling as I mentioned above. With time, you will catch yourself getting lost in thought.

Summary

Direct experience is seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting, and smelling.

It’s really that simple, yet staying in the present is challenging, at least at first. That’s why this requires practice.

Start by sitting alone for a few minutes each day and noticing what you see, hear, and feel. As you gain proficiency, take it with you during your during the day.

At first, you may only be able to do it while you’re washing dishes or walking in nature, but as you practice, you will eventually be able to do it almost anywhere.

Even if you can’t do it in motion, you can stop for a minute, and take a meditation break.

If you have any questions about this, feel free to send me an email.

All the best,
Henri

It’s easy to forget that these expectations are mere images, information that has been taken in and are now taken as real.

If you pay attention, you will discover that each expectation you have is directly tied to what you perceive to be lacking in this moment.

Many expectations are invisible. You’re not even aware of them.

And that is the reason I wrote this article.

When you begin to see the expectations you have, you can become aware of them, and gradually let them go.

Hidden Expectations

When I first begin guiding someone, I ask about expectations.

Usually I get responses like:

• I don’t think anything will change
• Mostly I don’t care
• I’m okay with whatever happens
• I feel like I’m missing something
• I want to be more present

Notice the vagueness in these responses. I usually don’t press too hard, because many expectations are unconscious.

The same may be true for you. There’s no need to go digging at this point, because they will show up as you move forward.

Here are some of the most common expectations that I’ve seen in myself and others:

1. Experience

Waking up is not an experience that comes and goes.

It’s not about accessing an altered state of consciousness or going into another dimension.

This is about waking up to what has always been here. Another word for awakening is sobering up. You sober up from the stupor of concepts.

So it’s not about experiencing constant bliss, although bliss can come and go. It’s not about excluding anything, but including everything.

Whatever happens, don’t become attached to any experience. In Zen, they call this makyō:

The term makyō is a Japanese word that means “realm of demons/monsters”. In Zen, it is a figurative reference to the kind of self-delusion that results from clinging to an experience and making a conceptual “nest” out of it for oneself. Makyō is essentially synonymous with illusion, but especially in reference to experiences that can occur within meditation practice.

Wikipedia

2. Big Shift

I was standing in the kitchen one day when I looked into the senses and realized “Oh, it’s just this.”

And by ‘this’, I was referring to seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, tasting, and thinking.

There may be no fireworks to confirm that you now see your true nature.

And in a sense, this is not a special event. It is utterly ordinary, because this is how it has always been.

Some have a more remarkable shift, but it’s not something you should expect. If you need to expect something, expect that it will be a surprise.

It may be a gradual unfolding that sneaks up on you.

That said, there is often a clear shift when this is seen. It doesn’t have to blow your socks off, but it will often be obvious.

3. Becoming Special

Awakening will not make you special.

You will not suddenly become loved or successful. You won’t be shielded from sickness.

You won’t become immune to hurt. You won’t suddenly have a grand purpose of helping others wake up.

Waking up is seeing that you are not special. You are completely ordinary. You are no different than your neighbour.

This may sound negative, but it’s a relief. In fact, it is freeing, because you no longer have to try and be something you’re not.

4. Always Feeling Good

This is not an escape from emotions and pain, or daily life.

In fact, awakening will insist that you feel and face everything. The more you resist this process, the more you suffer.

When you expect to always feel good, you suffer.

When you try to escape feeling bad, you take action to feel good. You run away from anything that is uncomfortable, which means you push away the treasures of the present moment.

After awakening, you see that life has always been like this. There’s unpleasant, neutral, and pleasant sensations.

Those are not what cause suffering.

What causes suffering is our reactions to them.

5. Eliminating Thoughts

You don’t have to quiet your mind to wake up, nor will thoughts disappear after awakening.

Thoughts seem like the problem, but the real problem is the attachment to them, the identification with thought content.

We have a habit of giving thoughts authority. If a thought says “You will be homeless if you don’t fix this,” we react. We try to fix it.

Yet what if you didn’t have to do anything?

There’s no need to listen to thoughts.

With that said, they can be a useful clue as to what feelings and traumas are in the body, but that’s a topic for another time.

6. Reaching the End

Do you ever wonder “When will all of this end? When can I stop the anguish?”

If so, you’re witnessing avoidance in action.

The thought is a distraction from a feeling. Instead of thinking there’s a problem, go directly to the feeling in the body, and feel it fully.

Now, let’s be clear. The separate self illusion can be seen through, but this is often only the first step to the end of suffering.

Being human doesn’t stop. There will always be unpleasant, neutral, and pleasant sensations.

All of this becomes more and more okay.

7. Control

Waking up doesn’t mean you will know exactly what to do.

You won’t make perfect decisions. You won’t be able to control your thoughts, emotions, or life. In fact, you see that there was never any control.

And once you wake up, you see that there was never any need to know what to do.

You may not suddenly make more money. This isn’t a guarantee for success.

With that said, there is often a deeper connection with your intuition, and having a sense of what feels correct, but it’s not an ability to predict the future.

8. Intellectual Understanding

Intellectual understanding is the first step, but it can easily become the last step.

It’s easy to get stuck in comparing, understanding, and trying to figure this out. Thinking about awakening is safe, so it’s comfortable to stay there.

You can’t think your way into awakening. You can fool yourself into thinking you’ve got it, but waking up is going beyond the conceptual.

When you wake up, you see that thoughts never mattered, and never did anything.

Just reading this may make you uncomfortable. Notice the feeling. Where is it in your body? Can you feel it?

9. Removing Self

Funnily enough, this is not about removing the self.

You won’t suddenly disappear into nothing.

You might be confused, because haven’t I been saying to do exactly that?

I’ve said that this is about seeing the illusionary and empty nature of the self. There is no separate self that is thinking, feeling, experiencing, deciding, and making things happen.

When you look for the inherent (permanently existing) self, all you find are sensations, sounds, images, tastes, smells, and thoughts. You never find a tangible homunculus living inside your brain that is in control.

There can be a lot of fear as this realization begins to dawn, but remember: What is real cannot be lost.

Seeing through the illusion of the separate self also doesn’t mean that all sense of self disappears. You will still feel a certain aliveness, I AM, or “I exist.”

10. Relationships

Relationships won’t suddenly become perfect.

You won’t be the perfect parent, sibling, or friend.

You won’t suddenly become non-reactive and kind. Reactivity is often explored after first awakening.

If anything, after first awakening, and after the honeymoon period (more on this below), you may become worse because of the shadows coming to the surface.

This is all to be expected. It only becomes a problem if you expect things to be perfect, which can lead to suppression of what is happening for you.

The more you know that this may happen, the more prepared you are to face it all.

So, Why Wake Up?

That questions assumes that you have a choice.

If you’re on this path, there is a force in you looking for the truth, and it will not settle for anything less.

This path will take every illusion from you, which is horrible for the ego, but the end result is lightness and peace.

Remember, this is about including everything. Being so completely here that not even the present moment exists.

The Honeymoon

After seeing that the separate self is an illusion, there can be a honeymoon period.

For some it lasts days. For others, hours. During this time you feel untouchable, happy, and light. Everything is right in the world.

As the honeymoon nears its end, you may start to feel like you’re ‘losing it’. You want to keep it, so you start to try and hold on, which doesn’t work.

Eventually you find yourself in a dark cave, having to face your shadows.

An Important Summary

There is no one way to wake up. There are similarities, but each path is utterly unique, which is why it’s crucial that you trust your own experience.

Your path may be slow, or it may be fast. It’s all fine.

What is coming up for you?

What is interesting in this moment?

Start there, and let your intuition guide you.

Notice what is interesting and where you are avoiding. Find someone who can help you and give you feedback, because it’s easy to trick yourself.

Throw away even the idea of awakening and stay with whatever is here, right now.

Wishing you all the best,
Henri

Who am I?

Why am I who I am?

What is the purpose of life?

Even though I had a good upbringing, I tended toward anxiety, fear, and hopelessness. And this is what eventually led to seeking the end of suffering, or at least a way to reduce the anguish within.

This article is an overview of my journey through suffering into spiritual awakening. I am by no means free from suffering, but I can say that a large chunk of it is gone.

I write this in hopes that someone may benefit. My aim is to be as transparent as possible so you can decide what is relevant for you, and what is not.

Also note that while I have done my best to remember the exact dates, they may not be entirely accurate.

Disclaimer: Some of the links in this article are affiliate links, which means I get a small share of any purchase you make with no added cost to you. Thank you in advance!

2002-2004 – The Catalyst

This journey started with an episode of the TV series Ed (2000-2004) with Tom Cavanagh. The episode was about lucid dreaming. Something in me was immediately interested.

This opened the esoteric door, so to speak. After having limited success with lucid dreaming, I stumbled onto out of body experiences, which I also never succeeded at, but it all led to meditation.

During this time I was in high school, which was stressful, and I struggled with health problems, which were eventually resolved by working with an EFT (tapping) practitioner and eating healthier.

I realized that I could discover solutions to my problems. I didn’t have to wait for someone else.

This was the beginning of starting to follow my heart.

2005-2006 – The Power of Now

During this time period I lived in Spain for a bit, and traveled to Thailand with friends. It was in Thailand that I kept seeing a blue book in bookstores.

The book was The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I bought it, and while my friends were out partying, I sat in the hotel room reading. My whole body resonated with every word.

This is also the time I began using binaural beats meditation CDs. I stumbled onto something called Holosync by Centerpointe. I ended up buying their whole program and using it for around 12 years.

I have no opinion on whether or not you should use it, as I don’t know how much it affected me. What it did get me to do is meditate at least one hour per day for those 12 years.

From what I can tell, the clinical research on binaural beats is inconclusive. If I had to say something, would I recommend them? Not really, because meditation can achieve the same results.

2007-2008 – Exploration

This is where I began exploring everything from NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) to basic self-help.

I bought mountains of self-help books. I tried manifestation, visualization, goal-setting, questioning beliefs, and so on.

I also traveled to South America, where I tried ayahuasca with a local shaman. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. Ayahuasca is another thing I can’t conclusively say if it did anything or not.

During this time I also felt called to start sharing my journey, but I was afraid of putting myself out there.

I kept meditating daily with meditation CDs. I wasn’t strict with it. Sometimes I would do it in bed and fall asleep.

2009-2010 – Wake Up Cloud

In late 2009 I woke up from a dream. In this dream I heard a voice that said “Start now.”

For some reason, this felt significant, and it prompted me to start Wake Up Cloud, even though I was unsure, afraid, and anxious.

I still remember that dream today, so there’s something about it that was different from other dreams. What this special sauce was, I don’t know, and I don’t feel the need to know.

As I began to share what I knew via writing, I began building an audience. Sharing what I knew helped deepen my understanding of following my heart, which would prove significant down the line.

2011-2012 – Who is Thinking?

This is the first time I came across self-inquiry and non-duality. I started watching videos from teachers such as Gangaji. I didn’t understand all of what was said, but I felt something.

I remember walking outside when thoughts would pop up, and an inquiry thought would respond with “Who is this one? Who is thinking?”

This wasn’t a serious practice. I was curious though. This topic held my interest for a few months, and then I returned to my old ways. What I didn’t know was that a seed had been planted.

In late 2011 was also when our first child was born.

2013 – The Dark Night of the Soul

I published my first book, Find Your Passion.

After summer, we moved to a house. That’s when everything began breaking down.

I entered the dark night of the soul. I didn’t know what it was at the time. All I knew was that everything suddenly felt meaningless and hopeless.

Nothing made sense.

I felt like I was surrounded by death. It felt like the house could fall apart at any moment. All concepts had died. Meaning had disappeared.

During the next year or so, I wrote more books. How was this possible? I wasn’t in constant anguish. I came up for air, and felt good at times.

2014 – Challenging Beliefs

The dark night of the soul intensified.

I started questioning the purpose of life. What is life for if there is this much anguish?

Going through this pain helped me become more compassionate, because I understood why people use drugs, alcohol, sex, and food to avoid the present moment.

There was something that kept nudging me to stay with whatever was coming up. I was still distracting. I wanted it to stop, but occasionally I would feel it all. And when I did, there was peace.

I also dealt with a lot of limiting and negative beliefs. This was when I was the most depressed. I remember doing a depression test online and discovering that I was at least moderately depressed.

This is when I bought and went through two books from David D. Burns:

• Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
• Ten Days to Self-Esteem

I got a lot out of both books. They focus on challenging beliefs and thinking patterns, which seems especially useful for anxiety and depression.

2015-2017 – Surviving and Changing

I was still struggling.

I tried to distract from the painful emotions through movies, food, exercise, reading, or anything I could find. This eventually led to exhaustion and surrender. The fear was relentless. I was afraid of:

• Being homeless
• Dying
• Losing security (money)
• Losing approval and love

Eventually I had a shift that was expressed in thoughts as “If I lose everything, then I lose everything. If I end up homeless, then so be it, but I’ll face this fully.”

This was not a resignation, but a relinquishing of giving authority to thought. When fear said “Everything will collapse,” the response was “So be it.”

I also began eating better. I developed a taste for daily green smoothies. I noticed that heavier foods didn’t sit well with my body. Even with all this, I was hoping for a return to a time before the dark night of the soul.

I was still running.

(If you want to read more about this time, read this article.)

I bumped into books like The End of Your World by Adyashanti and The Surrender Experiment by Michael A. Singer. Both were helpful.

Oh, and Letting Go by Dr. David R. Hawkins was also excellent.

2018-2019 – Kundalini

I found the book Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha by Daniel M. Ingram. It was free at the time, and I believe it still is.

MCTB, as it is called, got me interested in vipassana. I practiced it intensely for a few months, which led to an energy surge up my spine and a buzzing in my head. I didn’t know what this was at the time, but I have since learned that it’s likely kundalini.

I didn’t have any blowout kundalini experiences. Instead, it’s been a gradual grinding, which is still ongoing today. It seems to work on different parts of my body. There were times when I easily got headaches if I focused too much. My brain felt like it was overheating.

When that passed, I had aches in my back. After that, I felt a pressure behind my eyes for almost two years. As I write this, the energy is in my solar plexus and navel area, and familiar emotions from childhood are coming up, such as fear, helplessness, anxiety, shame, and worthlessness.

After MCTB, I explored The Mind Illuminated by the late Culadasa (John Yates PhD), which helped improve concentration.

If you’re reading this and wondering “Henri sure was jumping around a lot,” you would be correct.

My process has always been like this. I follow what is interesting. This may not work for everyone, because jumping around can be a way to avoid uncomfortable material.

I usually notice when something is off, so that keeps me on the right path. Although I’m not perfect. I sometimes get lost and make mistakes, but I don’t see that as a problem as long as I’m willing to be honest with myself.

2020-2022 – Silence

I spent 2020 reading the rest of David R. Hawkins’ books in his Power vs. Force book series. I enjoyed all of them.

Ever since 2016, maybe even earlier, I had lost almost all of the urge to write. I was republishing and updating articles here on Wake Up Cloud and sending those to my subscribers.

I didn’t know if my urge to write would return, which was somewhat alarming since writing is what I do, but I eventually surrendered.

I was open to whatever life would bring.

The income from my business had all but disappeared. The only income stream I had left were royalties from my books. My partner worked full-time, and I had savings, so we were doing okay. Losing most of my income helped bring up more fears on losing money and security.

Throughout the years, learning to follow my heart turned into a sense that life was living me, which began to nibble away at my sense of self, the sense that I was in control.

I went back and looked at emails from this time period and there wasn’t much going on. I was mostly reading books, spending time alone, and playing with my kids when I had the energy.

2023 – Awakening

Remnants of the dark night of the soul were still appearing. Eventually there was a relentless focus on one question.

After all these years and all the anguish, I began to wonder: “Who is suffering?”

I began to fully feel everything that came up without running away. I looked for the supposed self that was experiencing all this anguish.

I stumbled onto videos on how to separate experience into the physical senses and thought. In other words, I began clearly seeing what experience is made of, which is:

• Seeing
• Hearing
• Feeling
• Tasting
• Smelling
• Thinking

When two or more of the above components are entangled, a sense of self can arise. When questioned, nothing is found.

Yet just looking once is rarely enough. There has to be an experiential shift.

One day, I remember standing in the kitchen and looking. I could find nothing except the dance of the senses with the occasional thought. That’s when something shifted. Suddenly I realized “Oh, there’s just this.”

The world changed.

I began searching for information on what had just happened. I stumbled onto a few communities that confirmed that this was what is called awakening, or stream entry (Buddhism), or kenshō (Zen).

I mention all these terms in case you want to do your own research.

2023 and Beyond – Unraveling Contd.

After the shift, I was more able to understand writings and talks on awakening. I could see and feel what was pointed to.

Later in 2023, I began guiding others on this path, which helped me go deeper. When you read the Buddha on this topic, it is clear that stream entry, or initial awakening is just the beginning.

Shadow work usually follows awakening. The separate self seems to act as a defense mechanism. There’s is constant resistance to the present moment.

There’s a feeling that this isn’t it, there’s something better beyond the horizon.

Once there is a shift, and it is obvious that there was never a separate self, suppressed material can start coming up. This is what I’ve been working with and which has led to more peace, equanimity, and joy.

You can learn more in this article: What is Spiritual Awakening? (An Honest Guide)

Avoid Grasping

As you’ve read my story, notice your mind starting to create objects and goals to strive toward.

Or saying that you could never do this.

This is to be expected, but be aware of it. Your path will probably not look anything like mine. What is important is to follow your intuition.

All of the concepts above such as stream entry, awakening are not so important. They are helpful signposts, but ultimately what this comes down to is working with whatever is arising for you in this moment.

The mind can easily escape the present moment by striving for a goal, or by going into a story of how you are a failure.

Ending Notes

If you made it this far, thank you.

I hope you found this useful.

I left out many details as this is meant to be an overview. If you want to stay up to date with future articles, I invite you to sign up to my newsletter below.

And if you have any questions, feel free to send me an email.

I mean it, hearing your questions and struggles will help me learn what articles to write next.

All the best,
Henri

Are you experiencing a dark night of the soul?

Has life suddenly lost all meaning, purpose, and passion?

There is much hope, because the dark night of the soul is a rebirth.

You will soon discover why.

Let’s begin.

What is the Dark Night of the Soul?

When I search for the definition of the dark night of the soul, I get this:

a period of spiritual desolation suffered by a mystic in which all sense of consolation is removed.

I find that to be quite accurate. In the dark night, the external world seems to reject you. You may lose your job, your relationships, and anything else that’s given you comfort in the past.

If you do not lose those things, then they may become empty to you, so you lose them internally.

Here’s what Eckhart Tolle says about the dark night:

The “dark night of the soul” is a term that goes back a long time. Yes, I have also experienced it. It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything.

The phrase itself seems to originate from the 16th century Spanish mystic St. John of the Cross (San Juan de la Cruz). He wrote a poem covering the subject of the dark night of the soul (La noche oscura del alma).

What I experienced during my long dark night was a total meaninglessness. I lost all hope. I couldn’t cling to any idea, concept, or belief. Everything seemed absurd and empty.

At the same time, I was experiencing what Carl Jung would call the shadow. I had to face my inner demons, beliefs, and everything I’d suppressed during my life.

Here’s a short video I recorded that complements what you’ve just read:

Why is This Happening?

It happened to me because I asked for it, and because it was simply my path.

I wanted to know the truth.

Why am I here?

Who am I?

When you ask these kinds of questions, you are pulled on a different trajectory.

When we first embark on a spiritual path, we imagine it to be full of positivity and happiness.

What we don’t know is that in order to see what is true, we have to get rid of what isn’t true. To connect to your inner wisdom, everything else needs to go.

This happens through facing our shadow, and integrating it. Through integration we become whole, and more in touch with the Divine, with life itself.

We discover that we don’t have to be afraid of our inner world (thoughts, emotions, etc).

Your personal, more detailed reason for going through the dark night of the soul will likely become evident after you come out of the darkness.

An Important Note

The view I take in this article is that you are ready and willing to meet what the dark night of the soul brings up. Going through these periods is not uncommon for serious meditators or anyone inquiring into their nature.

However, even for serious meditators, sometimes therapy is needed to work through the material that surfaces. It is also highly advisable that you work with a skilled meditation teacher that is familiar with this territory.

If you never signed up for this, and you don’t want to explore deeper, then I recommend you visit the Spiritual Emergence Network or Cheetah House (Help for Meditators in Distress).

5 Signs That You May Be Experiencing a Dark Night

With all that being said, how do you know if you’re experiencing a dark night of the soul?

Here are five signs that I noticed on my voyage:

1. Life Slows Down. You lose your job. You lose your relationships. Success is nowhere to be found. Outward progress grinds to a halt. Everything comes to a standstill externally, so you can look within, and face what you’ve been avoiding all of your life.
2. Darkness. Depression and anxiety are turned up. You now see what was always there. Fear, negative beliefs, judgments, and unhelpful stories all come to the forefront. You may even be drawn to dark movies and books, have dreams of destruction, and see symbols of death.
3. Concepts. How you arrange the world collapses. We are seldom aware that we don’t feel the world. We feel our thoughts about it. We arrange the world internally, and then we get to experience and feel the world through our own concepts. This is our self-made virtual reality. In the dark night, this reality breaks down.
4. Meaninglessness. Our old goals lose their meaning. Our purpose, if we had one, crumbles. Nothing holds meaning. We begin to fantasize about escaping, which is a symptom of wanting to avoid facing our inner darkness. This meaningless is not bad. In the end, it helps you see what is valuable.
5. Heaviness. Why me? Why you? You easily sink into victimhood. You feel like you’re covered with a heavy blanket. This is similar to depression, but the dark night of the soul comes with a deep spiritual aspect.

Do any of these signs ring true? I go deeper into them in the video below if you’d like more information:

How to Get Through the Dark Night of the Soul

So what to do? How do you survive this suffocating darkness?

When I first entered my dark night of the soul, I resisted. I tried to avoid it. I was so fatigued that I didn’t have the energy to do anything.

Eventually, I realized, somehow, that I had to keep moving forward. I couldn’t do it myself, so I asked for assistance from life, from God, from a Higher Power, whatever you want to call it.

This is when life began to offer help. Things began to turn around.

Looking back, there were six things that were the most helpful to me during this time:

1. Awareness. Having the wherewithal to not take my thoughts too seriously. I knew I didn’t have to identify with every idea, image, sound, and feeling. I was aware of it. It was still painful, but there was more space. Practices like Vipassana meditation help with this, because it is a practice of labeling thoughts, feelings, images, and sensations. You begin to see that you are not what comes and goes through your inner world. You are not your thoughts.
2. Facing Your Demons. During the dark night of the soul, I had to face my biggest fears, such as being alone, being homeless, and losing security. The way I faced them was to, again, not get identified when they came for a visit. Instead, I let the thoughts come in. I embraced the accompanying feeling. I let it dance in my body. I relaxed into it. When there is no resistance, there is no fuel. I surrendered completely to the energy, and eventually it ran out. Then the next wave would come, and I would repeat the process.
3. Inner GPS. At times, it felt like I was abandoned, not just by human beings, but by life itself. But life was there to support me through this process. It spoke to me through movies, books, people, and even silent whispers. It nudged me to look into certain books, to do an online search, or to take a walk in nature. Your inner guidance system is always speaking to you. It’s harder to hear during this time, but it is there.
4. Finding Enjoyment. It’s easy to get bogged down, to succumb to the darkness. We get stuck in shoulds, musts, and have-to’s. We forget to find enjoyment in the small things, such as taking a walk, listening to music, painting, dancing, or just laying under a star-filled sky. This is a time of quietude, a time of being with yourself. Even in that, you can find enjoyment in the things that don’t seem productive.
5. Stumbling. All I could do was stumble forward. I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know if I was going to survive. I didn’t know anything. I had no comfort. All I did, and all I could do, was put one foot in front of the other, and wander forward in the dark. Be kind to yourself during this time. Just do your best. That is enough.
6. Health. We go to food to numb ourselves. When we suffer as much as we do in the dark night of the soul, it’s easy to reach for alcohol, junk food, and sweets. This leads to a downward spiral, because when your health declines, the dark night of the soul becomes harder. I know it is challenging, but as much as you can, take care of your body. Give it fruits, vegetables, and plant-based foods. Sure, indulge from time to time, but don’t go too crazy.

You will get through the dark night. All you have to do is your best, because that is all you can do.

Your mind may say that all is lost, but it is not. Your mind saying that is merely a sign that your old identity is disintegrating.

There is something new being born.

And remember, if you truly are struggling, there’s nothing wrong with seeing a professional, or even taking medication. Listen to your inner wisdom and common sense.

Here’s a video on this if you prefer the spoken format:

Don’t Make This Mistake

What is the natural response to the dark night of the soul? To escape.

I remember being in the thick of it. All I wanted was for it to end. I tried to numb myself with watching TV-series, food, candy, whatever I could find.

This is normal. You will most likely do this as well. But there comes a point where you realize that you cannot run from this. You have to face the darkness.

As Carl Jung put it:

Only when we bear our situation and accept our depression will it be possible for us to change internally.

Acceptance is required for change. You may not be depressed, as Jung puts it, but you still have to accept what is going on.

That is what I had to do.

Somewhere deep inside, I knew I had to walk into the cave, and face the dragon that represented my shadow. I knew that self-pity would lead me nowhere.

You have to slay the dragon, which is your old self, your negative thinking patterns, worries, fears, self-sabotage, and self-defeating impulses.

You do this by being present with whatever comes up, feeling everything fully, and seeing that there is nothing to fear.

The dragon guards a treasure. The dragon isn’t real, but the treasure is.

So whatever you do, do not run. See what happens when you turn around, face the darkness, smile, and surrender to it completely.

You will be surprised.

How Long Does the Dark Night of the Soul Last?

One of the first questions people ask me about the dark night is when it will end.

When you’re in it, it never seems to end. And you’re afraid that it will last until the sun stops dancing in the sky.

Your mind wants to know the duration, the length of the dark night. When will you get out? How long do you have to endure this torture?

The answer won’t be what your mind is looking for, because it’s different for everyone.

The most intense period of my dark night lasted for around 2-3 years, and then it took me a few years after that to begin to reorientate, to get used to living life from a different viewpoint.

So my tip for you is to see that this yearning to know the duration of the dark night comes from your mind. You don’t have to cling to it. Instead, you can bring your focus back to the present moment.

Notice what you feel drawn to do. Remember that this is happening for your benefit.

When thoughts of duration pop up, simply embrace the energy completely, and let it run itself out.

It is your mind trying to escape the present moment.

Can It Come Back?

The dark night of the soul can ebb and flow.

When I began exiting my dark night, it didn’t happen all at once. I went in and out.

Even then, years later, you can suddenly find yourself back in. This is nothing to be afraid of. It merely shows you that there is more to be released.

Your mind will want to paint this as the worst thing in the world, but it doesn’t know what is ultimately in your best interest.

All you can do is welcome what comes up, and do your best.

Fear of Death

During the dark night of the soul, death often looms heavy. You may start seeing how fragile things are. You may see how humanity itself could be destroyed at any given moment.

This is what I experienced.

I’ve never been especially afraid of death, so that wasn’t a problem for me. What was a problem was the loss of security I perceived. I was afraid of my house breaking down, not having enough money to fix it, and not being able to provide for my family.

When we experience the fear of death, it is helpful to remember that it is not death we fear, but the images and ideas we have about it.

This becomes clear when you look at different cultures. You see that they represent death in different ways, which means they have different reactions to it.

Some are afraid of it.

Some even look forward to it.

In reality, we don’t know what death is. We only know what we’ve learned about it, and we experience death through our own thoughts about it.

If death keeps coming up for you, it’s an opportunity to look at it, because overcoming your fear of death will free you to live life with more zest.

Instead of shrinking away from the morbid thoughts and images in your head, become curious.

See what happens if you let them be without reacting to them. Notice what transpires if you let the feeling of death dance in your body.

Thoughts and emotions are sensations in your being. When you do not fear them, you do not resist, and when you do not resist, they can transmit their message and dissolve.

Giving Up and Surrendering

For me, the dark night of the soul ebbed and flowed. I was in it for a few months, then I thought I was done, only to have it return.

I began to cry out: “I can’t take this anymore. When will this end? This is too much.”

And each time, I could take it. It was only my mind that was crying out, because the old me was expiring. The dark night of the soul kept pushing me until there was nothing left, until I was totally exhausted, until I was ready to surrender.

Surrender what?

Surrender the idea that I am in control. Surrender to the flow of life.

So if you feel like this is too much, realize that that’s another thought. It is your mind that is in pain. You can watch it. Feel everything.

You are being emptied out, so you can live a more meaningful life.

If you believe in God, then this process is opening you up to God. If you believe in the universe, then this is the universe helping you become more open to its subtle hints and nudges.

This is consciousness evolving through you, as you.

What Happens After a Dark Night of the Soul?

Having gone through the dark night, I feel tremendous gratitude for it.

Even writing this, I feel a sense of joy in sharing with you what I went through, because I still remember the hopelessness that I experienced. I thought that what I was going through had no meaning or purpose.

I see now that I was mistaken.

In a way, it’s understandable, because during the dark night of the soul, all I could see was my own pain. I was in the lair of the dragon. I couldn’t see what was waiting for me.

Judith Orloff, M.D. put it well when she said:

I’m no Pollyanna, but what I’ve learned about the dark night is that it can organically incubate something drastically unexpected — and good — if you have the proper support.

In a way, I went through my dark night of the soul alone.

I had the support of my family, who didn’t fully understand what I was going through, but they were still there to support me in the best way they could.

I was also supported by life itself. I bumped into healing modalities, videos, books, articles, and thoughts that helped me.

Being on the other side of the dark night of the soul, I can say that there’s much more joy than before. I have gone through a metamorphosis.

I feel more in touch with life.

My heart is more open.

Update from 2023: It gets even better. The more I’ve felt everything, the more this has deepened into a sense of joy, peace, and equanimity. This doesn’t mean there aren’t intense emotions.

So if you feel like you are breaking as you read this, know that you are breaking open, and through those cracks will come something new, something that you will be delighted to witness.

Here’s a video on the lessons I learned in my dark night of the soul:

Summary

The dark night of the soul is difficult. It may be the most difficult thing you will experience in this life.

You may not feel like you can do this, but you can. Begin to see that it is your mind going crazy. It is your ego trying to hold on. You could say that this is a spiritual awakening, which is another way of saying a shift in consciousness.

You are changing. The old you is disappearing.

You have nothing to hold on to. You feel like you are floating in nothingness. Know that you are not alone in this.

Others have gone through this. They have survived, and you will, too.

Pay attention to what feels magnetic to you, because that is life bringing you wisdom to overcome the dark night of the soul.

The dark night of the soul itself is a gift. You have been given an opportunity to become something incredible.

You can do this.

Stumble forward.

That is all that is required.

Regards,
Henri

P.S. One more thing…

Photo by Felix Mittermeier

You suddenly see the struggle everywhere, as if a light-switch has been flicked on. In the glowing light, the world looks like a different place, with previously hidden details now revealed.

This heartbreak can happen to anyone, even those not on a spiritual path. In this article, we’ll take a look at how this is a sign of progress, but also cover pitfalls to watch out for.

What is a “Heartbreak” on the Spiritual Path?

When the heart opens, and the veil drops, you see both the light and the shadow. There’s a sense of interconnectedness with all things.

You are no longer able to turn a blind eye to the suffering of others. Instead, you feel everything fully, sometimes to the point of overwhelm and despair.

Yet it’s not just misery. There are days where I feel deep love for the whole of existence. Just seeing a bird fly past the window can bring up a sense of gratitude for life itself.

The Importance of Heartbreak on the Spiritual Path

At first, seeing the suffering can make you recoil, yet staying with what unfolds can be a catalyst for tremendous spiritual growth.

And what unfolds is not as it seems on the surface. While you may feel the suffering of the world, what it points to is what’s going on within.

It points to not only your fears and your mortality, but your beliefs about what the world should be like.

This doesn’t mean you don’t try to help those in need. It simply means that you look within first, wake up, and then act from a place of clarity.

Coping with Heartbreak on the Spiritual Path

While this heartbreak may at first seem terrifying, the more you sit with it, the more you begin to penetrate to the truth.

When deep sadness wells up within me, I simply take a moment. I welcome it in. I don’t try to push it, remove it, or change it.

I don’t go into my mind to distract myself. I become curious. Instead of labeling what I feel, I look deeper. What is this without a label, without judging it?

Where in the body is it? How does it move? Where does it move?

If you want to go deeper, use questions that point to the subject, such as: Who am I? Who wants to get rid of this feeling? Don’t go to the mind for answers. Stay with the sense experience, with what is here right now.

So I let the feeling do whatever it wants. It is welcome here.

What began as sadness may turn out to be the fear of death as you go deeper. Seeing the suffering of the world may on some level remind you of your own vulnerability and thwarted desires.

It may remind you of not getting what you want. Not being able to make a difference. Feeling helpless. Hopeless. Alone.

No matter what comes up, stay with it. Your mind may tell you to run, but that is precisely why you should face whatever arises.

Pitfalls to Avoid

There are quite a few pitfalls to avoid. Almost all of them have to do with distracting yourself from your direct experience.

Here are three pitfalls to keep in mind:

1. Fix the world. Your first reaction may be to go outward, to fix the wrongs of the world, yet if you are willing to look within, you will see that there’s work to be done. If you have an authentic calling to help, you will find that your body naturally does so. Often the best gift you can offer the world is to wake up.
2. Overwhelm. If you feel overwhelmed, there’s nothing wrong with distracting yourself for a bit. Read a book. Go for a walk. Watch a movie. You don’t have to solve this right here, right now. This will solve itself in due time. All you have to do is relax. Take it one second at a time.
3. Repression. Perhaps the biggest pitfall is repressing what comes up. This whole process can be unpleasant, but the more you dive into those scary emotions, the more you see that there was nothing to be afraid of. It was only the mind that labeled the experience as unwanted.

Embracing the Gifts of Heartbreak on the Spiritual Path

The gifts of having your heart break open are a sense of interconnectedness with everything, a sense of love for even the people you used to dislike.

The pain you feel as you go through this is showing you why you aren’t feeling this way all the time.

It doesn’t mean you lose the ability to discern, nor does it mean you always feel blissful. You actually become more clear after a period of adjustment.

At first, the apparent suffering of the world overwhelmed me. I began to lose hope, yet eventually, I began to see through my own judgments of how things ought to be.

This heartbreak is constantly nudging you to look inward. Your mind will try to go outward in order to avoid the pain.

Use what surfaces to deepen your own awakening, because that’s what it is for.

Conclusion

This path is tough, but it’s okay. Let life guide you, and you’ll find a way through, as you’ve always done.

Everything is as it should be. Don’t worry.

You know what you signed up for, and you’re getting it, just not in the way your mind wants.

Be open to the resources life brings you in the form of techniques, meditations, books, ideas, videos, and seemingly random words from surprising sources.

In the end, this whole process happens by itself. You can let go.

All the best,
Henri

Would you like to follow your heart, but something is stopping you?

Does it feel uncomfortable, uncertain, and maybe even confusing to follow your heart?

All this is to be expected when you’re first starting this journey.

It’s a sign that you’re heading in the right direction, because your mind and body are making adjustments.

Your mind wants proof that heart-centered living works. The only problem is that you won’t get proof until you start.

It will feel awkward at first, like anything new, but once you see that your heart is leading you on exactly the path you need, your mind will begin to fall in line.

The Battle Between Your Mind & Your Heart

When you’re a novice in heart-centered matters, it feels safer to follow your mind.

This sense of comfort is an illusion, because when you look at your past, you see that solely following your mind hasn’t helped.

This is what I discovered when I began listening to my heart. I was miserable, and proud of my impeccable “logic.”

Your heart, however, is connected to something larger. You may call it spirit, the unconscious, God, higher-self, or the Universe.

I don’t worry too much about the label.

The Art of Not-Knowing

This is not to say that you have to kill your mind, because it has its uses. It means that you aim for a more balanced approach.

Let your heart and mind integrate, and work as a team. When you follow your heart more, and your mind sees the results, the integration naturally occurs.

However, you have to take that initial leap of faith to get the process going. We’ve been taught that we should know everything before we do anything.

We spend our lives avoiding the unknown, but the truth of the matter is that you don’t have to know everything to know enough.

You only have to know your next step, and even that may not always be required.

It may come as a gentle nudge, a thought, a feeling, or even a song on the radio.

Taking Action

If you’ve been reading my articles, you already have some proof that heart-centered living works, and works well.

You’ve probably seen others follow their hearts. It looks good, but you may doubt your own abilities.

You may even look at other people living their passion, and think that you could never do what they do. They must have some kind of magical ability, right?

Wrong.

They’ve simply experimented a bit more.

They aren’t fearless. They simply take things one day at a time, one step at a time. They feel fear, overwhelm, and confusion, just like anyone else.

The difference is that they have developed the trust in themselves, just like you are doing right now, to overcome fears and work with them.

The fact that you are feeling what you are feeling now is a sign that you are heading in the right direction, because “negative” feelings will always be there to greet you when you embark on a path worth traveling.

Following Your Heart

I can’t give you the exact steps for following your heart, because your signals will differ from mine, but what I can do is share my experiences.

Most people overlook messages from their heart because they are fixated on what they think should happen and what life should look like.

Keep your eyes open and your focus wide, because you never know where your heart will nudge you.

One of the main ways that I follow my heart is by noticing my feelings. These feelings come with an aroma of peace and subtle encouragement.

They are enduring, which means they tend to stay the same over time, more or less.

For example: Someone may contact me about a business partnership. What I’ll do is stay open and notice how things feel. Most of the time it won’t feel right, or something will feel off, so I either say no, or decide to wait.

And if they pressure me, and I still don’t know, the answer is no.

The mind can still be used. This is not about excluding anything, but about including everything.

There’s never a rush to jump into opportunities, even if it may feel like it. This feeling of needing to rush is a hidden belief that you’ll miss out.

And remember, this is just how it works for me. It’s up to you to experiment with how your body communicates with you.

Being Right is Not the Goal

I do my best to trust my heart, but sometimes the feelings and nudges I get aren’t authentic.

In other words, I can misinterpret what they are all about. Sometimes the messages from my heart can be clouded by something else.

And I’m okay with that. I know that I won’t get it right all the time, and this small amount of uncertainty adds a bit of spice to life.

Sometimes it’s fun, and sometimes it isn’t. It’s all a part of the game we call life.

The more you follow your heart, the better you get at it. It’s like with anything else; it’s not about being perfect, it’s about learning and discovering how your heart communicates with you.

You won’t always be right, and that’s fine.

This is not about perfection. There is no such thing. It only exists as a thought.

Your Life is Changing

The fact that you’re reading this means that something inside of you is looking for a change. You are already changing inside, and you can feel it, can’t you?

My “heart” came online in my late teens. I knew that I wasn’t heading in the right direction. Something had to change, and it did.

It didn’t happen overnight, but as I put one foot in front of the other, change happened, and I discovered what passionate living was all about.

And while you may feel confused from time to time, know that it’s just a sign that you are growing and evolving.

There’s a reason why you’ve read this article. Something resonates with you, and you may not even know what it is, and that’s okay.

The positive feeling inside is a message from your heart.

It’s a sign that you’re already following your heart. You’re already on the right path.

You already have what it takes to live a heart-based life.

Now it’s up to you to expand how much you listen to you heart, and that can only happen through listening and experimenting.

Have fun,
Henri

Image by Brian (CC BY-SA 2.0)

I used to worry about money constantly.

I was gripped by the fear of poverty, and not having enough money.

However, things have changed. My mindset is transforming from scarcity to abundance. From fear to gratitude.

In this article, I’ll share what I’ve discovered, and my journey to overcoming my fear of not having enough money.

Before we begin, remember: This isn’t about how the digits in your bank account line up. This is about how you relate to money.

What is Worry Anyway?

A worry is a thought that we believe. When we believe a thought, we think we have to do something about it.

If I have a thought that says I don’t have enough money, and I believe it, I will act as if it’s true.

We see life through our thoughts. We feel the thoughts we focus on. That is why a rich man can feel poor, while a poor man can feel rich.

So we’re not dealing with an entity that forces you to feel like you don’t have enough.

We’re dealing with thoughts and beliefs that we identify with, which then lead to feeling the ‘reality’ of those thoughts.

This identification often has roots to feelings. The worrying serves as a way to distract from feeling an emotion in the body.

Why Do We Worry About Money?

We seek pleasure and avoid pain. Money is often seen as the ticket to happiness.

The belief is that if we have money, we will be happy. If we don’t, we will be miserable.

So the reason we worry is because we believe it helps us either get more pleasure or avoid pain, or both.

Believe is the key word. Worrying feels like something we have to do. Our whole being tells us that if we don’t worry, we won’t survive.

The key is seeing through this illusion. This is how beliefs work; they make it seem like you have no choice.

If you’ve worried for a long time, then that thought pattern has become a habit. It has become familiar to feel anxious about money.

How to Stop Worrying About Money – Video

It may not feel like you have a choice, because the worrying happens so automatically, but you have a choice.

Up until this moment, you’ve kept choosing worry because you thought you didn’t have a choice.

In the video below I share my take on how to stop worrying about money and poverty. After you’re done watching the video, read the rest of the article to dive deeper.

Step #1: Discover How Your Mind Works

As I said above: A rich person can feel poor, while a ‘poor’ person can feel rich.

What’s the difference?

Their thinking, their mindset. They have different habits when it comes to their thinking patterns.

If I have a thought about not having enough money, and I focus on it, I get to feel like I don’t have enough.

However, just because I feel like I don’t have enough doesn’t make it so.

Now, I have a choice. Once that thought comes in, I can give in and entertain it, or I can nip it in the bud. I can be aware of it, but not get pulled into the drama. I can watch it, and let it be.

That gives me a whole different experience. In time, as I give less attention to thoughts of worry, they begin to wither away.

So this first step is about noticing how you create your experience of life. Notice that you get to experience what you think, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that what you think is true.

“But Henri, I have bills to pay,” you might say.

I’m not denying that you have bills. I’m pointing you to how you relate to those bills. You have a choice whether you want to worry yourself to death, or whether you take a more relaxed approach.

Because you see, when you relax, you free up energy and creativity. That’s when you can do something about your bills, if there is something to be done.

Below is a video where I dive deeper into this.

Step #2: Explore Thought Patterns

Next, grab a pen and a piece of paper. Write down what you’re worried about.

When you become aware of your own thought patterns, you start to catch them in the act.

A powerful way to increase awareness of how you worry is through writing down your thoughts. The more you do this, the more you begin to spot patterns.

In time, it becomes like watching a movie for the 100th time. It becomes old. The same story, over and over again.

The fact of the matter is that you are not your thoughts. Thoughts come and go, but what is it that stays? What is aware of the coming and going?

So, the writing exercise goes something like this: Each day, sit down for 10-15 minutes and write down every worrisome thought you have. Explore what’s going on, and put it on paper.

This is similar to Morning Pages from Julia Cameron.

If you want questions, here are a few to get you started:

• What am I worried about?
• What is the cause?
• What is the solution? (if one exists)
• What can I do about this, right now?
• Why do I have to worry or think about this?
• What is the worst that can happen?
• What can I do if that worse case happened?
• If I were on my deathbed, what advice would that future me share now?

Pay attention to how your mind tries to pull you into the same story you’ve fallen into in the past.

Notice how you feel fear because you pay attention to a story, a thought, in the theater of your inner space.

And notice what happens when you witness the story, the thought, instead of getting involved.

Step #3: Dance With Fear

This next step is about emotional acceptance.

One of the reasons why thought patterns persist is because they have an emotional charge. That emotional charge is there because you have a cluster of thoughts that support each other.

They’ve built a small community of scarcity to convince you that you need to feel bad, afraid, and anxious.

To learn how to stop worrying about money, learn to feel your emotions fully.

Feeling your emotions helps you look beyond labels of good and bad. When you let emotions dance in your body, they eventually run out of steam.

How is this done?

Personally, I start by noticing what I’m feeling and where it is. I then open myself to it. I accept it. I let it expand. I welcome it in.

I become aware of the fact that emotions dance in the awareness within. Emotions come and go, but what stays?

If you’re like most people, you’ve learned to resist ‘bad’ emotions. If that’s the case, embrace the resistance. Feel it fully. Welcome wanting to stop the emotion.

It may feel scary at first, but you’ll soon find it exhilarating, because you realize that there is nothing to fear. Fear comes and goes, but you are the space in which fear exists.

If you feel especially daring, go to the worst case scenario. For example, if you’re afraid of being homeless, imagine that, and try to amplify it. Then notice where the emotion is, and feel it fully.

As resistance and thoughts pop up, include them, and keep feeling everything.

If you want more detail, below is a video on how I do this.

Step #4: Live in the Present Moment

So you’ve learned how your mind works, to identify your thought patterns, and to feel your emotions fully.

Now it’s time to live in the present moment.

What does it mean to live in the now? It means being in touch with the five physical senses, which are:

• Seeing
• Hearing
• Feeling
• Tasting
• Smelling

As you read this article, notice both internal and external sounds. Notice that seeing is happening. Feeling is happening.

This is being in the moment.

As you do this, you begin to catch worry in the act. You notice when your mind starts telling you the same old story about why you must worry.

As that happens, you can be present with it. You welcome it in the moment. The worry doesn’t stick.

This doesn’t mean worry will disappear forever. Worry may still knock on the door, but the knocks go unanswered.

Below is a video where I go deeper into how to live in the present moment.

The Wrap

We get caught up in the experience of life.

We lose touch with the present moment.

When thoughts pop up, and you identify with them, you feel them. You live in a virtual reality of your own making.

You don’t have to run away from your worry. Instead, feel it fully. Welcome it.

This may not happen right away. If you begin to want to be perfect, feel that, too. Progress will happen at its own pace.

As you take action, life brings you what you need.

This is the beginning of a new way of relating to money. Are you willing to experiment with this and see how it works?

All the best,
Henri

P.S. If you’d like to take the next step and start living your passion, I invite you to check out my popular book, Find Your Passion: 25 Questions You Must Ask Yourself (amazon affiliate link that supports my work. thank you).

Photo by Alex Knight

Maybe life has thrown you a curveball or two, and now you don’t know what to do.

You had certain expectations, but life didn’t cooperate.

So how do you deal with the uncertainty of life, with the confusion?

Let’s start by looking at what is truly going on.

What is Going On?

As humans, we are sense-making creatures. We organize the world internally.

As we grow up, we take in programming, which blends with our personality. We inherit the values of the people and society around us.

Our mind then tries to make sense of all this. It creates meaning, relationships, and other connections out of all the information that has been taken in.

We also learn that there are things that are good and bad in the world. We discover that there are things we like and dislike.

This then leads to setting goals that we believe will give us the ultimate reward, such as money, success, power, love, and security, which of course will lead to good feelings.

That’s all we want–to feel good.

So you see, this is an inside job. Life making sense has little to do with actual life, and more to do with how life is perceived.

Every human being perceives life in their own unique way.

Why is This Happening?

Since your mind is a sense-making machine, it has arranged the world in a certain way. When life doesn’t cooperate, and your mind can’t rationalize what happens, things stop making sense.

Your virtual reality collapses.

This is especially true if you begin to inquire into the nature of identity, perception, space and time, and other parts that make up ‘reality’.

At first, this feels horrible, because there’s nothing to hold onto.

But this is simply a sign that things are rearranging themselves.

All you have to do is relax and let it happen.

How to Handle the “Nonsense”

Be with whatever emotion is present. If there’s fear, be with the fear. Look through the label of fear. Fear doesn’t exist. It is a word that we’ve given to sensations of energy.

Go beyond the label. Feel the energy dancing in your body. Welcome it fully into your whole being. Let it be there.

It is a teacher.

As you do this, the fear will begin to dissipate, because all emotions eventually run out. It may be replaced by another emotion, such as panic, dread, or worry. If that happens, let go of the label, and feel whatever comes up.

Life doesn’t have to make sense in order for you to live it. Life making sense is a mind-made fantasy. Just because you feel like life makes sense doesn’t mean that you are on the right path.

The mind is an automatic process that constantly brings up information that it has taken in. This information is viewed through underlying assumptions, likes and dislikes, and survival.

The mind is not you, it is a process. You are the consciousness that is aware of it. It is happening in the space within.

Here’s a video on this if you prefer the spoken word. The video and article cover different angles, so watching/reading both will deepen understanding.

The article continues below the video.

What If the Emotions Don’t Stop?

If you’ve been pushing away emotions for your whole life, there may be a line of emotions that want to be seen, heard, and felt.

That’s okay. This is a practice to realize that no emotions is dangerous.

It is the resistance to feeling that creates the suffering. The sensations themselves are not as bad as thought makes it out to be.

The more willing you are to feel whatever comes up, and not push it away, the more you will realize that there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Our emotions go up and down. There are rainy days, and there are sunny days. The weather has no impact on the sun, on the wisdom and love that is within everything and everyone.

Okay, And Then What?

As you become aware of how your mind is making things up, you stop taking it so seriously.

You are not thinking. Thinking is a process. It is not a “me” or “you,” it is an “it.”

You begin to notice that life doesn’t have to make sense in order for you to live life.

Your body and being naturally live life.

Or you could say that life lives you.

You don’t have to think about everything. You don’t have to plan incessantly. You don’t have to judge, or even have an opinion.

Your heart knows where to go. Your body takes care of itself. Inspiration arises out of “nowhere.”

The mind is great for practical matters, but anything else is above its pay grade.

Wrapping Up

If life doesn’t make sense, it’s a great opportunity to begin to truly live life.

You are connected to life. You are life.

There is nothing you have to do to access the wisdom within. It is always there, but it is obscured through beliefs, programming, desires, and incessant thinking.

Don’t worry about understanding this fully. The mind wants to comprehend and dissect.

Instead, let this be. Understand what you understand. Time will take care of the rest.

Set the intention to understand more, to grow.

That is enough.

What you’re going through right now is an opportunity to discover who you truly are.

It is an opportunity to break free from the chains of the mind.

All the best,
Henri

Do you get stuck in thought patterns that lead to anxiety, fear, and worry?

What if I told you that there’s a way to deal with negative thoughts?

You see, I’ve been battling negative thinking patterns my whole life. I’ve battled with my inner critic. I’ve had to learn how to transcend negative self-talk.

I’ve tried many of the systems and methods out there, and I’ve found what works for me.

In this article, you’ll discover one of my favorite ways of reducing negative thinking.

What is a Negative Thought?

At its core, a negative thought is not inherently negative. It’s simply a thought. What makes it negative is how you label it, and then how you react to that label.

As Epictetus once said:

It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.

To illustrate: Think of something neutral, like a tree or a rock. Now, think of something like money, relationships, or even death.

The difference between them is the thinking you have about them. How do I know? Because we all have different conditioning on different subjects, so we all feel differently about them.

Why Do We Have Negative Thought Patterns?

They often serve a purpose we are not aware of at this moment.

For example, I used to worry about money a lot. It seemingly helped me to take action and come up with creative business ideas.

As I looked deeper, I discovered that there was a better approach.

An approach of following my inspiration, and trusting life.

So there may be a reason for why you have certain negative thought patterns. As you let go of the old, you allow new patterns to emerge.

Note that I’m not saying you can prevent negative thoughts from arising. I’m saying that you can change how you react to them, which will help stop further negative thinking, and further suffering.

And sometimes rumination, or negative thinking, is just a way to avoid feeling. It’s a way of escaping from the present moment.

How to Stop Negative Thinking — Video

Below is an older video of mine that is still relevant today. The video complements the article, so feel free to watch it, and then continue reading below.

Step #1 – Awareness

The first step is to notice when a thought appears that brings up a negative feeling.

For example, if I have a thought about not having enough money, I can observe it, which makes me less likely to get caught up in the story it weaves.

I don’t try to tell myself that I have enough money. Instead, I let the thought be.

When I let the thought be, it often dissolves by itself, because I’m not giving it fuel by resisting or trying to change it.

The more I’ve done this, the more aware of my patterns I’ve become. If you want to increase your awareness, try awareness practices such as qigong, yoga, tai chi, or meditation.

I’ve been meditating regularly since around 2006, and it has made a noticeable difference in my ability to not get sucked into negative thinking patterns.

And no, you don’t have to meditate for years before you see results.

Step #2 – Dive In

In most cases, all I need is the first step. But if a thought pattern keeps returning, I may examine what’s going on beneath the surface.

Staying with my money example, let’s say I feel fear about not having enough money.

I’ll examine it by asking myself questions. I often do this with pen and paper, because it’s easy to get stuck in mental loops if you try to do it in your head.

I might ask:

• What specifically am I afraid of?
• What is the worst that can happen?
• Is that the truth?
• How do I know?
• Where’s the evidence?
• What are the pro’s and con’s of believing this?
• Is there an emotion I don’t want to feel?

I don’t necessarily look for any one thing. These questions are just to get me acquainted with what’s going on.

I want to get to the feeling, or sensation, of this thought or belief. I want it to be as intense as possible for the third and final step.

Step #3 – Embrace

So I’m in the thought. I’m feeling it. I’m afraid of not having enough money, and what that will mean for me and my family.

I see the images in my head of what that fear represents.

Now, I embrace the feeling or sensation completely. The questions above, and the visualization, help me get in touch with the feeling in my body.

I notice where it is. For me it’s usually in my chest or stomach area. I notice wanting to constrict and withdraw from the world, to defend myself.

And then I welcome it all. I don’t resist the feeling. I open myself completely to it. I surrender. And I let it in like inviting a friend for a warm cup of tea on a cold winter day.

I open all the doors, and melt into the feeling.

When I do this, the feeling dissolves, because it has nothing to fight against. There is only an embrace and a blending.

This fear is a part of me, and I welcome it home. It is welcome here, with whatever message it brings, or whatever part of me it represents.

A side benefit of doing this over and over is that I’ve come to know, in my body, that negative thoughts and feelings are only messengers. They are not to be feared, but to be embraced.

If you want more details on how this is done, watch the video below.

What If You Still Can’t Stop Negative Thinking?

When I seem unable to stop a negative thought, it’s often a sign that I’ve discovered another layer to it, or that I’m trying too hard to avoid it.

Many fears are multi-layered, especially core fears around money, relationships, death, and other sensitive topics.

If a thought persists, I don’t try too hard to get rid of it. I might explore it, and keep embracing it, or I might leave it for another day.

If I leave it, I use step #1 to keep being aware of it as best as I can. I do my best to not resist that it’s still there.

Because sometimes I have bad days, where I feel a bit anxious, and that’s okay. Everyone has good days. Everyone has bad days.

The key is not to try to push them away, but be in whatever experience you’re in. Be in the present moment completely.

(My favorite book on being in the now is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.)

Here’s a video on overthinking that’s especially relevant to dealing with negative thoughts:

The Simple Summary

If you want to learn how to stop negative thoughts, realize that it’s not about stopping thoughts, but about changing how you relate to those initial thoughts.

Let the negativity and fear dance in your body. Let it in. Let it expand. Welcome it.

There is nothing wrong. You don’t have to be happy all the time. In fact, you cannot.

Negative thoughts have no inherent power over you. They come and they go.

As you begin to apply this 3-step process, you’ll realize that there’s nothing to be afraid of. That in turn will translate into you being more courageous in your everyday life.

You’ll start going after your dreams.

You’ll smile more.

You’ll have more fun.

Are you ready to experience that?

Then use what you’ve just learned, and tango with whatever you’re experiencing.

All the best,
Henri

P.S. If you’d like to learn how to take things to the next level, and start doing what you love, I invite you to check out my book, Follow Your Heart: 21 Days to a Happier, More Fulfilling Life.

P.P.S. The links in this post to Amazon are affiliate links, which means I get a small share of any purchase at no extra cost to you. Thank you in advance for the support!

Have you noticed that you never feel ready to write that book, start a business, or just go after what makes you come alive?

You never feel ready because you’re looking for certainty.

You want to have all the details.

You want to be absolutely sure that everything is going to work out.

So you never start, nothing ever happens, and you end up lost in the land of regret.

The solution is not to berate yourself for not being good enough, but to notice this pattern, and to begin questioning it.

Your mind is telling you that you need certainty, otherwise you’ll fail, but you’re already failing by searching for absolute certainty.

But what about the fear of failure? Sure, it hurts to fail, but what’s the alternative?

The video

Here’s the video version of this article.

The video and article are slightly different from each other, so if you want a more complete picture, I recommend you read/watch both.

The article continues below.

I aim for 70-80% good enough

This doesn’t mean I never plan. Planning reveals options and ideas. The problem begins when you think that your plan has to unfold perfectly.

If you never start, you never get feedback, and you never have the opportunity to adapt to what’s actually going on. You end up stuck in the fantasy world that is your mind.

Even knowing all this, you won’t feel ready. The tendency will be to stay where you are. This all means that you have to be willing to start before you feel ready.

I don’t remember the first time I began doing this, but I remember when things began to shift. The year was 2009. I was about to start this very blog after years of hemming and hawing.

I had to face fear, doubt, and uncertainty. Eventually, I became so sick of sitting still that I started with what I had. When I did, nothing bad seemed to happen. That’s when I began to realize that I could face my fear and doubt.

I could start before having everything figured out.

I don’t need a perfect plan

I just need to know enough to move one inch forward.

No need for approval, permission, or certainty. Just the willingness to move and learn.

When you become willing to start before you feel ready, you realize that the world doesn’t end if you fail. Disaster doesn’t strike if someone doesn’t click like.

What I’m trying to point to here is that your mind doesn’t know what it’s talking about. It worries. It throws up disaster scenarios. It wants to control everything.

Doing anything new is uncomfortable

Living a fulfilling life is not found in comfort, but in seeing through the mirage of perfectionism, seeing through the need for certainty, approval, and perfection.

So let’s say you want to write a book. How do you take a tiny step? I would start by forgetting the need to write a book. Do you want to write, or do you just like the idea of being an author? If you want to write, then start writing.

Write one paragraph.

Share it.

It doesn’t really matter where or how you start, because it is the act of starting that ignites the machinery of life.

You write. You keep writing. You learn. You pay attention to what you feel drawn to do. You let that lead you forward.

You may never feel ready, but so what?

Why do you take your thoughts so seriously?

Why not wonder: What if I take a step anyway? What then?

Question your own internal world. Question your fear. Conduct experiments.

See what happens when you start before you feel ready.

Observe yourself when you take a step toward what you find interesting.

Take notes. Ponder.

Enjoy.

There is no end goal in life, because it just keeps going, so there’s no need to worry so much about achieving this or that.

It’s more about living your life, your way.

That’s what will matter in the end.

Cheers from the North,
Henri

P.S. Are you ready to move forward? Then I invite you to check out my books Find Your Passion and Follow Your Heart (these are both amazon affiliate links).

Photo by chuttersnap

Do you feel lost?

No purpose? No passion?

No idea where to go?

Here’s the truth: You don’t need any of the above to fully enjoy life.

You can dance in uncertainty and let life live itself through you.

This is possible, because it is already happening.

These are not just empty words. I know uncertainty, fear, and worry. I know confusion. I’ve been in the deepest darkness.

What is Direction?

Look closely at your definition of having a direction.

This definition will determine how you judge and compare yourself to others.

You experience confusion when your internal “reality” doesn’t match what you see in the world. It’s an internal narrative of how you think your life should be.

If I think that having a direction means I will never be confused, unhappy, or uncertain, I will suffer.

If I then look at how happy other people are, and compare my internal to their external, I will suffer.

Having a direction in life is having an internal image that you feel matches external reality. That’s it.

But even that is not needed.

In fact, without a direction, life becomes an adventure.

Why Do We Feel We Need Direction in Life?

Because it makes us feel safe.

It is the mind grasping for something to hold onto.

When you feel like things are as you think they should be, you feel good.

But how you think life should be is created within you. It is not an absolute. Meaning, everyone has their own interpretation.

And this interpretation often comes from the outside. You listen to friends and family. You watch movies. You take in the world, and the world molds you.

You then look at this fabricated internal measuring stick to see how you’re doing.

But none of this is needed. You can let it all go.

The thought of letting go may bring up fear, but that is just the bouncer at the door of joyously living life without a direction.

How to Live Life to the Fullest

Living life is like walking in a dense fog.

I don’t see more than three feet in front of me. But when I take one step, I see a little bit farther.

As I keep moving, I see opportunities that I couldn’t have seen before.

So movement is the key. What is interesting beckons me forward.

No direction is needed for any of this, only the courage to defy fear.

Below is a video on not having a direction. It complements the article, so I recommend you watch/read both.

The article continues below the video.

1. Patterns and Definitions

How do you define what having a direction means?

How will you know when you’re on the right track?

Answering these questions will begin to reveal the internal image you hold up as the standard to which life should conform.

In the past, feeling like I had a direction gave me a sense of comfort.

Today, I live a directionless life. I do my best. I follow my enthusiasm. I see where life takes me.

This all sounds like I’m living, doing, following, and seeing where life takes me, but I’m doing none of it.

It all happens.

Notice, can you predict your next thought? And I’m not talking about the thought that says ‘I’m going to think about an elephant next.’

The body moves. Life happens.

No direction needed.

2. Pay Attention

I begin to pay attention to what is available right now.

• What do I enjoy doing?
• What do I feel drawn to do?
• What is interesting?
• What is fascinating?
• What is fun?

Notice your thoughts judging. Maybe you feel like something you feel drawn to do is silly or stupid, so you don’t do it.

Maybe you feel like being interested in drawing stick figures won’t lead anywhere, so you dismiss it.

These are the calls that you need to answer. You never know where they will lead.

Take care of your practical needs, but allow yourself to play, to explore where your inner being is drawn.

As Steve Jobs said:

You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.

Let what is interesting call you forward.

3. Hello Fear

What if, instead of excluding fear, you include it?

What if the seemingly negative is also a part of your path?

As you follow your interests, you will meet fear, uncertainty, and doubt.

• What if this goes wrong?
• What if people judge?
• What if you aren’t good enough?

Feel everything fully. No need to push anything away.

Open. Include.

Strip the story from “fear” and it is merely energy dancing in your body.

Let it salsa where it wants, and you will discover real freedom.

What If My Mind is Too Strong?

This is not another achievement that you need to yearn for. Instead, it’s a process and a change in how you relate to life.

In the beginning, your mind will insist that you search for a direction, and you will fall for it.

But with time, you will realize that you don’t need to use your mind as the middleman. You can live and experience life directly.

Gradually, this realization will cascade to the rest of your life.

You begin to take your mind less seriously. You live more in the moment. One day, you notice that you’re just … enjoying life. This enjoyment is not dependent on how external life goes. Instead, it comes from within.

Summary: All is Well

Sometimes (I feel like) I have a direction in life, sometimes I don’t.

If it comes naturally, I’ll take it, but I won’t strain to find it.

Life happens naturally.

There are moments of panic, and there are moments of laugh out loud joy.

This is life.

Nothing is wrong if you experience confusion.

Life is lived one moment at a time, one step at a time.

All is well.

Relax.

Enjoy,
Henri

P.S. Would you like to learn more about following what resonates? I invite you to check out my popular book Follow Your Heart: 21 Days to a Happier, More Fulfilling Life (amazon affiliate link. I get a small share of any purchase you make at no extra cost to you.).

Photo by Jason Blackeye

More haphazardly the first decade, and then more diligently.

The benefits of meditation have been proven by science.

And from my sample of one experience, meditation might be one of the most important practices of my life.

There are many ways of meditating.

You can get lost in trying to find the right technique, but when you’re starting out, the most important thing is sitting down and doing it.

There is often a lot of resistance. You want to do anything but meditate, because it’s uncomfortable. If you can get over that early hump, it will be well worth it.

Even 5-10 minutes per day can do wonders over time.

How to Meditate in 5 Simple Steps

I won’t go into any details of what meditation is, how it came to be, and so on. Instead, let’s dive right in and get you started.

The meditation object we will use is the breath. Focus on your abdomen rising and falling. I like to notice the sensations in my abdomen as it rises and falls.

Add in counting of each in breath if it helps you stay focused. When you reach 10, start counting again from 1.

That’s it. That’s the technique.

With that said, here are five steps to get you started:

1. Eliminate Distractions. When starting out, eliminate as many distractions as you can. Find a location where you can meditate undisturbed. There will be enough internal distractions to deal with, so you don’t want to pile on external ones.

2. Determine Time. Determine how long you will meditate. If this is your first time, then start with 5 minutes. Make it something that is easily achievable. Cultivate the habit before you begin increasing sitting time. Let it be easy.

3. Relax. Stretching before you start will help you relax and be more comfortable while you meditate. No fancy stretches needed. Stretch whatever comes to mind. And if you don’t know any stretches, forget about this step.

4. Sit. You can meditate lying down if you cannot sit, but remember, we’re starting with 5 minutes, so you can sit on an office chair if there’s nothing else. As you sit, try to be as still as possible. You may feel the urge to move, scratch an itch, or open your eyes, but do your best to giving in to these urges. Each time you stay focused, you build your meditation muscle.

5. Focus. Your mind will try to distract and avoid at every turn. Set your timer for 5 minutes. Stay focused on the breath. When you notice that you’ve been caught up in thinking, gently bring your focus back to the breath. Some meditation sessions you may only be able to stick with the breath for 5-10% of the session. That is to be expected. Each time you bring your focus back to your breath, you become a bit stronger, so celebrate those times.

Extra Tips for Beginners

Let it be okay. Your mind will wander. When I first started it was pure chaos in my mind and the rebellion was in full force when I tried to be silent. Let it be okay and when your mind wanders, gently bring it back to the present moment. Each time you re-focus on the breath is like one rep at the gym. It builds mental concentration.

Posture. Having a straight spine and good posture is important, especially when you’re sitting. It allows the energy in your body to flow. Don’t overextend yourself, just have a comfortable posture that you think is good enough.

Smile. Half-smiling while you are meditating can change what thoughts enter your mind. Even if you don’t feel like smiling, try it and see what happens. Many subtle changes to your physical body can dramatically alter your mood and thought-patterns.

Incremental Improvement. This is not a race. In meditation, you learn to enjoy the process, not the end result. There is nowhere to go and nowhere to be. Focus on incremental improvement. Sit for 5 minutes per day for the first month, and then increase your sitting time by 1-2 minutes. Keep it easy.

Music. Sometimes listening to relaxing music can help in meditation. It is up to you to decide what you feel comfortable with. If you like meditating with music then by all means go ahead.

Guided Meditation. If you’re having trouble meditating or just want guidance, there are always guided meditations you can find, although make sure you search for breath meditation if you want to focus on the breath.

Videos on Learning to Meditate

Below are a few older videos of mine that are still relevant today on learning how to meditate and calm your mind.

Learn How to Meditate in Less Than 90 Seconds

Do You Have to Quiet Your Mind When You Meditate?

Can You Meditate After Waking Up?

FAQ

Here are a few common questions and my answers to them.

Q: How often should I meditate?

A: Ideally, you would want to meditate twice per day to get into a rhythm. So if you’re doing 5 minutes each sit, start with one in the morning and one in the evening, or whatever fits with your schedule. Now, if you have a hard time, then start with just one 5 minute meditation session per day for a month and add the second one later.

Q: How long should I meditate?

A: Start with 5 minutes. Remember to keep it easy, otherwise you’ll give up. It’s more important that you meditate consistently instead of starting and stopping.

Q: My mind wanders more than anyone else’s

A: We all think we’re special when it comes to the craziness in our heads. Realize that everyone has the same problems. All of our minds wander. Gently re-focus it on the breath and keep doing that. Celebrate each re-focusing. In time, you will be able to stay focused on the breath for longer and longer periods without losing concentration.

Q: What if I fall asleep?

A: If you’re lying down and fall asleep all the time, you might want to consider sitting instead, or lying down when you aren’t sleepy. If you’re falling asleep then you aren’t meditating.

Q: My body hurts

A: If you followed my advice to start with 5 minute sessions, you should not have much pain. If you do, try to adjust your position so you can sit for 5 minutes. If there are small pains, those are usually okay, but ultimately you have to decide what is appropriate for your body.

Q: How should I sit?

A: Sit in whatever way you like. Like I mentioned before, the most important thing is to have good posture. If you can meditate lying down without falling asleep, you don’t have to worry about this too much.

Q: What meditation method is best?

A: There is no best method. Start with breath meditation as described in this article and stick with it for at least a few months. Otherwise you risk getting caught up in searching for the best meditation technique, which is really a distraction from just meditating.

Q: How should it feel?

A: At first it may feel uncomfortable, confusing, and disheartening. A big part of meditation is to learn to develop the equanimity to sit in unpleasant states, which then helps you deal with life with more calm and ease. In that sense, whatever comes up is perfect.

Q: Should I close my eyes?

A: You can meditate with your eyes open or close. I prefer to meditate with my eyes closed, because I usually focus on my breath. If you want to focus on something external, then by all means keep your eyes open. In order to make meditation fun, you have to do what you feel is right. There’s no need to be rigid.

All the best,
Henri

They share common characteristics.

They work hard, they trust their intuition and they persevere.

Nothing special is required. You don’t have to be gifted. You don’t need permission. You can follow what makes you come alive.

The only thing holding you back are the stories you’ve learned about this path.

Now, let’s look at the key habits of highly passionate people, shall we?

1. Excitement

Passionate people follow what makes them come alive.

This is not a thrill-seeking excitement, but a resonance within, a magnetic pull toward something.

When I was in my late teens, I wasn’t familiar with terms like “follow your passion”, “listen to your heart” or “trust your intuition”.

The terms above are nothing other than noticing what resonates within you.

There can be fear, but you take tiny steps forward anyway, because when you do, you discover that the fears aren’t based in reality.

We’ve been taught to listen to logic. Don’t get me wrong, logic has its place, but it cannot live your life for you. It will make you miserable.

This comes down to listening to your excitement, to your inner GPS.

Here’s a video I recorded on this:

2. Courage

Passionate people know that following your passion isn’t without its challenges.

Courage is required to walk this path.

Courage is not something you wait for. It is built up through facing your inner demons.

Following your passion requires work, but the good news is that it’s enjoyable work, for the most part.

Living your passion doesn’t make life’s problems go away. It doesn’t eliminate suffering, pain, or unwanted emotions.

This is not about avoiding anything, but embracing everything.

It’s the courage to follow what resonates even though you’re afraid, and it’s the courage to be present with whatever is happening within you.

3. Determination

If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that results rarely come fast. Following your passion doesn’t just happen.

Determination means you stay focused. It doesn’t mean you force results. You bring yourself back on track and keep taking tiny steps toward what resonates.

It’s similar to meditation in that you notice when you get caught up in thoughts, and you bring attention back to the breath, or this moment.

I have no idea if I’m on the right track. I don’t know if I’m going somewhere.

All that matters is that I follow the breadcrumbs of resonance as best as I can.

And it’s not even me following them. Life seems to be living itself through this body/mind.

4. Positivity

Even when things go against you, you don’t know if those adversities turn out to be blessings in disguise.

Difficult times are often where we learn the most. Going through them isn’t fun, but looking back, we are often grateful.

So take a step back and see how little you know.

The mind doesn’t like to acknowledge that, but there are a multitude of conditions and causes that we have no idea about.

Look at the most significant events in your life and you will see that you didn’t have much control over them.

You don’t even have much control over the thoughts that enter your head. You know this because otherwise you would only think positive thoughts.

So relax, and enjoy the ride.

5. Limitlessness

Being passionate doesn’t mean limiting yourself to one passion.

That’s an idea you’ve learned. You may be in love with learning the guitar for a year, which may turn into painting, which turns into something else.

Don’t put limits on what you’re interested in.

The reason we try to put passion in a box is because we try to control it, because we want to get somewhere.

We want success, so we try to make it happen.

There’s no figuring out this thing we call life. There’s no perfection to be had, and that’s okay.

6. Introspection

Who are you?

What do you want?

Why do you want that?

Keep asking why until you reach the bottom. Most of the things we want come down to feeling better, such as being loved, safe, and so on.

The more honest you are with yourself, the more you can face the feelings within that you’ve been avoiding all of your life.

7. Feeling

What are you afraid of?

You might say things like being sick, not having money, and not living up to your potential.

But what’s beneath those? What would you have to feel if those things happened?

Imagine if you felt amazing if you didn’t have money. It wouldn’t be so bad, would it? When it comes down to it, we are afraid of feeling.

When you begin to become curious about what you avoid, you see that feelings are just sensations in the body. There’s nothing dangerous about them, although thoughts would have you believe otherwise.

Notice how you feel right now. Is there restlessness, irritation, sadness, worry, or something else? See if you can feel into it, even if it’s just for a few seconds.

If you stick with this, you will eventually realize that there’s nothing to be afraid of.

This will lead to fearlessness and spontaneity.

8. Non-Perfectionistic

There is no perfection in being human.

This is messy, and that’s okay.

There’s no formula for following your passion perfectly. There’s no formula for dealing with difficult emotions, difficult people, difficult situations, difficult everything.

And there doesn’t need to be.

Fear, joy, sadness, grief, love can all co-exist.

This article doesn’t need to be perfect. The fingers are typing. Things are happening by themselves. Life lives through me, expresses through me.

One step at a time is all that is required. Do the best you can with what you have, and stumble alot.

Here’s a video on taking action:

9. Meditate

Meditation and mindfulness is key in learning to calm down the monkey mind.

The less you are caught up in internal stories, the more you can be present with what is, the more you can feel, and the more you can notice what feels magnetic.

I wrote a guide on how to start meditating if you’re interested.

Following your passion is about getting in touch with your body. Feel your body right now. Feet. Legs. Hips. Stomach. Chest. Arms. Chest. Head.

If anything is unpleasant, stay with that. Welcome resistance, fear, worry, story.

10. Self-Motivated

The definition of self-motivated is:

motivated to do or achieve something because of one’s own enthusiasm or interest, without needing pressure from others.

You have what you need within you.

There’s no need to pressure yourself with how things should be. Instead, let go of any limitations. Let go of any story of what this path should look like, and enjoy what is here.

There may be thoughts that say ‘But this isn’t it. I don’t feel good,’ notice that this is an avoidance of feeling. The stories distract from a feeling in the body.

Instead of going into distraction, feel.

11. Acceptance

Passionate people work with what they have.

Acceptance doesn’t mean passivity.

Acceptance is an inner state of non-resistance.

Even resistance to acceptance can be welcomed. Let everything be. You cannot change this moment. You can have a reaction to it, but this is what is going on here right now.

Why escape this moment?

What’s the benefit?

If you come to a dead-end on your path, take a moment to accept whatever feelings come up, maybe even take a break for a day or two.

Then come back and begin experimenting.

Below is a short video that may be relevant here:

12. Thoughts

Seeing through the illusion of thinking is a milestone.

Your thoughts don’t know anything. Can they predict the future? No.

They pretend to be able to do that. It feels like every fear, worry, and anxiety is real and needs to be attended to, but they don’t.

You can watch thoughts and let them pass.

Take a day to experiment with living from your body. Let thoughts be. Thoughts may go crazy and tell you that you won’t survive, but that’s just more drama.

Practical thoughts are fine, of course, it’s the unnecessary labeling, judging, dissecting, evaluating, narration that is not only unnecessary but obstructive.

13. Non-Balance

Passionate people don’t get stuck in unhelpful concepts.

This goes back to not putting yourself and your passion in a box. Let things be unbalanced. Let balance emerge naturally, if it ever does.

A pattern in my life is that I tend to be interested in something for anywhere from three months to a few years. I extract what I need, and I move on.

Some things stick with me for most of my life. I don’t know how or why it is like that. I don’t know how they will come together or if they ever will.

That’s okay.

Not everything needs to make sense. Not everything will make sense.

The mind will try to make sense of things to feel like things are predictable, but there is no such thing. This can feel scary, but when you feel the fear, you’ll begin to tap into freedom.

14. Personal Power

Personal power grows when you stop being afraid of feeling and being right here, right now.

You probably have an image of what this looks like. Let that go.

Your expression of personal power will be different. Forget any ideas. Start to become familiar with the feelings you avoid the most.

This is about learning to know how you work.

It is in your deepest pain that the answers are found. And when you get there, you realize there are no answers, because that’s more thinking.

You also realize there was never a need for any answers.

This process of being radically honest with yourself unshackles you, and allows you to freely explore what makes you come alive.

15. Happiness

“People suffer when they pursue a life or chase a dream that doesn’t belong to them.” – Caroline Myss

Notice all the ideas you have of how life should be lived.

You need certain things, such as success, approval, fame, certainty, security, and so on. These are all ideas. Ideas do not touch reality. They are concepts overlaid on top of life.

Happiness doesn’t mean you never feel unpleasant sensations. That’s avoidance speaking. Happiness means freedom to be with everything.

It is in this freedom that you realize that you don’t have to run away. You can be here, and from a place of equanimity, you can let life move you.

16. Fun

There’s a need for discipline, but there’s also a need for fun.

Being too focused on discipline means you most likely have a belief that achievements can bring lasting happiness.

Another belief might be that you can force results to happen, which you can’t.

You alone have to discover that this is not the case.

You can find fun in even tedious tasks. This is because we feel the world through our thoughts and feeling.

We live in a virtual reality of our own making.

What changes is not the tedious task, but how you relate to it.

There’s no need to force.

17. Perspective

Passionate people take a step back from time to time.

What are you trying to achieve?

Why are you doing what you’re doing?

Is this what makes you come alive, or are you chasing a ghost, someone else’s idea of a good life?

Sometimes taking a step back is useful.

18. Realistically Dreamy

Don’t ask others to tell you what’s possible.

They will often only tell you what’s probable.

That’s why following your passion, and walking your own path can be difficult. You have to learn to trust yourself, and sometimes you have to be willing to walk alone.

Many of the things you take for granted today were thought impossible by a past version of you.

You will doubt yourself on this path. You will be uncomfortable, but that’s okay.

19. Life is Okay

Paradoxically, when life feels the most okay, that is when there is freedom to explore, because you don’t need anything to happen.

You don’t need to achieve a goal to feel okay. You realize that goals don’t bring ultimate happiness. Goals are ideas that are made into an object that needs to be achieved.

This all happens in thinking. It is an illusion.

When you see this, you may at first be hit with the recognition that this moment isn’t pleasant. That’s because you’ve been avoiding it for your whole life.

But on the other side of truly feeling everything, which can be challenging, there is more peace.

20. Excuse-Free

Passionate people don’t listen to their own excuses.

There can be excuses, but you don’t have to take them seriously.

When you begin following your passions, fears will rise to the surface, you will begin to doubt yourself. This is the moment to put one foot in front of the other. Tiny steps. Even if you’re afraid.

Doing this will help you notice that you don’t have to give authority to your thoughts and fears.

Everyone has excuses. Everyone has reasons for not doing that they feel called to do.

Once you realize that your excuses don’t have to stop you, well, life becomes a lot more interesting.

Who said life should be a smooth ride?

Next Steps

That’s that for this article.

I also have two books you may want to check out. They are:

• Do What You Love: Essays on Uncovering Your Path in Life
• Find Your Passion: 25 Questions You Must Ask Yourself

Have a fantastic day!
Henri

We’ve all been there.

You feel like you’re putting on a show, you don’t feel good enough.

You’re afraid that someone will see through your mask.

You’re scared of being humiliated.

The story goes on and on.

It’s excruciating.

I know, because I’ve been there. I’ve wanted to give up in frustration. I’ve battled my inner demons.

Luckily, there is a way out.

When You Feel Like a Fraud — The Video

Here’s a short video that I recorded in 2014 that is still relevant today.

Feel free to watch it. The article continues below.

Why Do We Feel This Way?

Feeling like a fraud is often a fear of being found out, humiliated, shamed, and excluded.

We want someone to tell us that it’s okay to do what we’re doing. We crave outside approval, yet even if you get it, it won’t satisfy the impostor syndrome.

Remember that you don’t have to make outrageous claims as to what you know.

You can share honestly, and just be you. This alone is appreciated in today’s world of appearances.

How I Deal with Feeling Like a Fraud

If you want to accelerate this process, take up meditation.

A simple practice of noticing your breathing for a few minutes per day can make an extraordinary difference over time.

That said, here are a few ideas on how to deal with feeling like a fraud:

1. Notice the Pattern

Notice how the fraud train first comes to the station.

Is there an uneasy feeling in your body, and then a story that if you just knew more you would be okay?

Notice the images that come up in your mind.

Notice any internal talk. Observe feelings in the body.

And finally pay attention to how all of the above become entangled and get labeled as ‘fraud’.

This creates a seemingly permanent state of ‘I’m a fraud’, which leads to a sense of urgency. You feel like you have to do something to fix it.

In reality, you don’t have to do anything.

The more you can zoom in on this process and increase the resolution, kind of like increasing the image quality on a movie you’re watching, the more it unravels itself.

Here’s a video on one way to approach this:

2. Relax into Reality

Noticing the pattern isn’t like figuring out a puzzle.

It’s more of a relaxed focusing on what is going on.

Doing this, I see that I am not my thoughts.

I can relax and welcome the images, narrative, and sensations. The more mindful I am of it happening, the more I can notice each part before they become intertwined.

This is a simple practice, yet you may find yourself not doing it, because it is not comfortable, at least not at first.

As this becomes a habit, you discover that each moment of mindful awareness feels satisfying, even if you don’t feel good.

3. Beware of Expectations

Feeling like a fraud is, to a large degree, about pretending to be someone you’re not.

I’m afraid that you’ll discover that I don’t know anything, that I’m worthless.

But how is this a problem if I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not?

I don’t claim to be an expert. I don’t know it all, nor does anyone else. Not even experts know everything, even though they may pretend they do.

I’m a fellow traveler. I share what I find on my journey.

However, it’s always wise to make sure I’m setting the right expectations.

If you feel like a fraud, and you’re pretending to be someone you’re not, you may want to reconsider what you’re doing.

If All Else Fails…

Grab a pen, and a notebook, and write down what you’re thinking. Do this for 15-20 minutes.

Uncensored.

Non-stop.

Keep writing until you run out of things to say, then write some more.

The less you feel like doing this, the more it’ll help.

Do this daily for a week, and you’ll uncover repeating patterns. Common thought patterns suddenly become obvious.

With this awareness, you are more likely to catch yourself while it’s happening.

You begin to see the separate parts trying to become a blob of fraud.

A Neat Summary

When I feel like a fraud, I get curious about what’s going on within me.

Remember, we often teach what we need to learn, which means we may never feel like we know enough.

But that’s okay.

I don’t have to know everything. I can just be honest and transparent.

In the end, all I can do is follow my heart, and do what I can with what I have.

There may be thoughts of not being good enough, but I keep moving forward.

Cheerio,
Henri

I often receive emails that go something like this:

“Henri, I’m confused about my direction in life. I don’t know where to start.”

If there’s anything I’ve noticed in my life, it’s that confusion is a given, especially if you rely heavily on thoughts to navigate life.

The good news is that confusion is normal.

The bad news is that our mind’s want to get rid of the confusion, which only makes it worse.

There’s nothing you have to do about being confused. Simply let it be, and let it unravel itself.

The video

Below is a short video that splendidly complements this article.

If you want to dive deeper into this topic, watch the video before you read the rest of this article.

If you want more videos like this, subscribe to my YouTube channel.

You don’t have to be clear to live your life

I don’t need to be free of confusion to follow my inner GPS.

Confusion comes from the mind, but the mind is not in charge of making the decisions in my life.

The mind is a beautiful tool for exploration and communication. But when you try to use it to make decisions, you end up confused.

I use my mind to explore life, to learn, to share what I know, but once I have enough data, I relax.

My inner GPS will bring me clarity when the time is right.

But this is where you need to experiment with your inner GPS. Your mind will tell you that you need to make a decision right now. It feels urgent, but it’s not.

The way I learned to trust my heart, my inner GPS, is to challenge these thoughts. If my mind says that I have to act, I see what happens if I don’t.

And you know what I’ve discovered?

The mind doesn’t know what it’s talking about. Most of the time, the mind creates the problem it’s trying to get rid of.

Some amount of confusion is natural. Confusion often precedes insight and clarity.

When I’m learning something new, confusion is present. Living life through my heart means that I surrender to the uncertainty of life.

For many, this will seem completely backwards. That’s why you need to conduct your own experiments, and uncover your own answers.

My mind wants to figure things out, but I’ve learned to trust my body, my heart, my inner GPS.

If something needs to be figured out, it will be.

I’m not saying to stop thinking

I’m saying to stop obsessing.

My mind is a tool to be used for exploration, research, and communication. It’s what I use right now to write this article.

But on the darkest of days, when I feel confused, my mind will want to fix things. Yet there’s nothing to fix.

I live life one moment at a time. Clarity comes when it comes.

But don’t just believe me.

Experiment, and discover how this works for you.

All the coolest,
Henri

P.S. My book, Follow Your Heart: 21 Days to a Happier, More Fulfilling Life (amazon affiliate link that gives me a small share without affecting your price), is a great way to dive deeper into how your inner GPS works, and how to live life on your terms.

When I was starting out, it scared me, a lot.

This is partly because we’re afraid of showing the world what we truly care about.

It makes us vulnerable.

Plus, going after what makes you come alive brings up your inner demons.

In order to make progress, you have to be willing to walk through the darkness.

But all is not as it seems, as you’ll soon discover.

Why You’re Scared (And Why It’s Good)

There are many reasons why you’re scared when it comes to going after what you want.

Here are just a few that I’ve come across:

• What if I fail?
• What will people think?
• What if I’m not good enough?
• Where do I even begin?
• What if it takes too long?

There’s nothing wrong with having these fears.

There’s nothing even wrong with being stopped by your fears.

By not pursuing what makes you come alive, the tension within you blossoms, and eventually turns into resolve.

You have to grow so sick of stopping yourself that you take action before you feel ready.

3 Ways to Deal with the Fear

The most effective thing I’ve found is to do what I feel drawn to do, to let my inner compass lead me to the right resources, people or places.

That said, below I’ll share three tips that have worked for me.

I don’t use the below tools constantly. I use them when I feel like using them.

So what I use changes from day to day, because I do my best to follow my inner compass.

Use the tools that resonate with you, and discard the rest.

1. Write

When you try to think through your problems, you end up in thought loops, which is why I recommend you write everything down.

Take a blank sheet of paper (or open your favorite word processor) and let everything out. And by everything, I mean everything.

Write down every petty thought, complaint, and excuse that pops out. The purpose of this is to clear your mind.

When I do this for 30 minutes, my mind becomes clear, and new ways of seeing emerge.

Another thing I sometimes do is go back to my earlier writings, and write an update of how I see things now. This helps cement the fact that everything is constantly changing.

Thoughts change. Feelings change. Perspectives change.

Solutions emerge from nowhere. They are not something I have to chase.

2. Feel

The easiest way to “release” emotions is to feel them fully.

So when you feel scared out of your mind, instead of running away from our experience, become curious.

• What does it feel like?
• Where in your body do you feel it?
• What do the sensations feel like?
• Do they move, spin, pulsate, shimmer or do something else?

There’s something within us that tells us that we can’t feel these “darker” emotions, but we can. And when you do, you discover that the voice within you that tells you to stop is wrong.

Then you begin to wonder: If my mind was wrong about this, what else is it wrong about?

And here’s one of my videos on feeling fear:

3. Poke

What if you shifted your attitude, and began to poke at your fears?

You could begin to wonder if you could move forward despite what you feel. Adopt a playful attitude not just to life, but to yourself.

Who are you?

Are you your thoughts, or do they come and go?

Are you your feelings?

Begin to poke at what you’ve always taken for granted.

You Are Being Lived

We are all a part of life. You. Me. And the tree.

Thoughts come from nowhere. Feelings arise in the body, and movement happens. We think we have to force life to conform to our ideas, but what if we didn’t? What if we could relax?

I’m not telling you what to do. Instead, I invite you to wonder.

What if you allowed yourself to feel the fear within?

What if you began to notice what you felt drawn to do?

Notice what wants to happen through you, because when you do, you begin walking the path that has always been there waiting for you.

Bonus: How to Accept Yourself

Here’s another video of mine on how to tap into self-compassion.

The problem is that most people cling to their fears, because they believe it’s a part of who they are.

If you aren’t ready to face your fears, you probably won’t transcend them.

And there’s nothing wrong in that. Everything happens in its own time.

If you’re reading this article though, I’m pretty sure that you’re ready to take another step forward.

You searched for this information, or you bumped into it, which isn’t just a coincidence.

Let’s have a look at some of my favorite ways of dealing with fear.

How to Start Overcoming Fear, Right Now

1. Awareness. Before you can begin overcoming fear, you have to be aware that your fears are causing havoc in your life. It’s easy to get so attached to your thoughts and feelings that you think they are all that exist, which couldn’t be further from the truth. You are not your fears. You are the awareness that experiences it.

2. Identify. Get specific about what exactly you’re afraid of. Pay attention to the pictures you have in your head about the situation. What is happening in them? What are you really scared of? Become an observer of your inner space.

3. Curiosity. While curiosity may have killed the cat, it certainly won’t do you any harm when investigating your fears. Get curious about what thoughts generate your fear. Where do you feel the fear? How do you react to it? What color does it have? Become an observer of what is going on.

4. The Now. What are you lacking right now? When you center yourself in the now, you realize that everything is how it is. You naturally accept what is. Tapping into the now can be as simple as feeling your body and breath. My favorite book on the subject is Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle (amazon affiliate link. I get a small share of any purchase you make at no extra cost to you). Here’s a video I made on living in the now:

5. EFT. EFT is short for Emotional Freedom Techniques. It is also sometimes referred to as tapping. You use your fingertips to tap meridian points on your body while thinking of a fear you have and it can alleviate and sometimes get rid of the fear altogether.

6. Sedona Method. Another simple system to conquer fear is the Sedona method. It consists of asking a few simple questions while focusing on your fear. It’s so simple that I dismissed it several times before taking it seriously.

7. The Work. The Work is similar to the Sedona method in that it asks questions. The Work is an excellent way to deal with fears, anxieties, and worries. There are many methods available, so pick the one that you resonate with the most.

8. Feel. Bring up the fear. Notice the sensations in your body. Let go of the label fear, and just feel the sensations. Notice their aliveness. They may vibrate, pulsate or shimmer. Let yourself feel them fully. Welcome everything. Include any resistance you have, and just rest in the sensations. This is extremely powerful, because you realize that you don’t have to be afraid of feeling fear.

9. Gratitude. When you feel fear, ask the fear what it is trying to protective you from. What is the message it brings? Now bring in gratitude for the fear, because it’s trying to help you, and do the best that it can. You can also ask if this fear is still needed. If not, say thank you, and feel it out.

10. Journaling. Getting your fears down on paper is important, because trying to think them through doesn’t work. You get caught up in endless loops of negativity that only lead you further down the rabbit hole, and make your life miserable. So write without stopping and without censoring yourself. You may be surprised at what you find.

11. Talk. No-brainer advice, but how often do we hold the negative in because we are afraid of how others might react, or because of some other reason? Talking helps, but avoid drowning in self-pity, and choose the right person to talk to. If you have no one to talk to, try journaling (see #10 above), or find a therapist (see #12 below).

12. Therapy. If you can find a good therapist, therapy can be highly beneficial, even life-changing. Finding the right therapist for you can be hard. Listen to your heart and choose someone who resonates with you.

13. Challenge. If you’re feeling frisky, why not challenge your fears? If you want to start writing a book, for example, but you’re afraid, start anyway. Start writing the first sentence without knowing what the book will even be about. The more you do this, the more fears lose their grip on you.

14. Life Coach. Do you have a fear of success, or a fear of failure? A good coach can help you examine what you truly want from life, and where your fears come from. I’ve spoken to a few in my life and while it can be uncomfortable, it’s very helpful in getting clear about what you want and what’s stopping you.

15. Read. Reading a good book on your specific fear can open new doors on how you can overcome it. Books usually have case studies and examples that can inspire new ways of moving forward. Listen to your intuition and notice what books grab your attention.

16. Meditate. Try some breath meditation. Close your eyes. Focus on your breath going in and out. To help your mind stay focused, count each in breath until you reach 10, then start over. Meditation has been proven to change the brain in just a few weeks, so give it a go.

17. Watch. Watching a movie or a documentary can be as enlightening as reading a book. Sometimes it’s nice to distract yourself from your fear. And if you really want to, you can find dozens of movies on the fear you’re dealing with.

18. Diet. Did you know that the food you eat can have a dramatic impact on how you feel? All the processed sugars, additives, sweeteners, and other chemicals in our foods have a surprisingly powerful effect in getting our body out of balance. Stick to a clean diet that suits you. Meaning, more fruits, vegetables and whole (real) foods. Just eat a bit more each day. See what happens. You may find yourself having more energy and courage.

19. Positivity. Whenever fear strikes, flip it over. Instead of thinking of something bad that can happen, think of something positive. What’s a positive outcome to your fear? If you’re thinking about public speaking, imagine yourself being successful instead of failing horribly.

20. Perspective. Learning to deal with fear is all about putting your negative thoughts in perspective. We tend to focus on the negative, so by looking at all the options, you often realize that you’re making a big deal out of nothing. There are so many things that could happen that it’s impossible for your mind to predict the future. We aren’t psychics.

21. Surrender. Surrendering to what is is powerful, because as long as we try to change what is, we are in war with reality. Sure, our mind may tell us that we can’t surrender. We may be afraid, but what I’ve found is that when I surrender, I find peace. I’m not giving up on life. I’m simply stopping the incessant thinking and trying to control that which cannot be controlled. There’s a subtle difference. You can still change your life, but it comes from a different place.

Here’s a video of mine on this topic:

22. Your Story. We all tell ourselves a story about our fear. If I’m afraid that no one will like my writing, I tell myself a story (in my head) about how I’ll fail horribly, people will laugh at me, or even worse, no one will read what I have to say. What’s your story?

23. Release Control. We want to learn how to control fear. We want predictability, even though it’s impossible to get. Where we don’t have control, we experience fear. But is it possible to ever have control? A professional guitar player can still make mistakes and ruin a gig. Give up the illusion of control, and you’re free to focus on what matters. Sometimes nothing seems to be happening in life, but we can’t see everything that’s going on. There are times when we have to release control and trust life. We do what we can with what we have, but then we relax.

24. Help. Be kind to others. If you’re shy, focus on helping people instead of being self-conscious about how you look or sound when you talk. Flip it to other people and see how you can be of service.

25. Convenience. What is the benefit of the fear? For example, if you want to go to an acting class, but you’re afraid, so you stop yourself, the benefit is to not put yourself out there. You’re not vulnerable, which feels dangerous because of what happened in the past. The question then becomes: Do you want to live life more than you want the benefit of the fear?

26. Model. I’m not talking about modeling clothes here. I’m talking about finding someone who had the fear you have, but managed to transcend it. Get in touch with them, ask them how they did it, and see if it works for you.

27. Pray. Consider praying for guidance on how to start overcoming your specific fear. Prayer is similar to meditation. In the end, it doesn’t matter what you choose, as long as it works for you.

28. WTWTCH. What’s the worst that could happen? If you’re afraid of public speaking, imagine yourself on a stage with everyone laughing at you. How do you feel afterward? Now, let go of the story and feel the sensations fully. Feel them until they are done and the worst case feels neutral or even expansive.

29. Yoga. Energy can get trapped in your body. When you do Yoga and breathe, that energy can be released. Sometimes you release parts of your fears, or you might even find that you’ve dropped a few fears without even noticing after a few months of Yoga.

30. Ask. Your feelings are there to tell you something, ask what the purpose of them is. Ask your heart, God, the universe, or whatever you feel comfortable with. What are your fears trying to tell you? What is the message they are trying to convey?

31. Understand Failure. When you realize that failure is not the end of the world, you become free. Failure is just a stepping stone to success. Most of our fears are fear of failure, shame, or somehow not living up to the standards society has put up for us.

32. Explore Your Roots. What is the root of your fear? This may require some meditation. Look inside and ask yourself when the fear started. If you’re afraid of public failure for example, when did it first appear? Were you shamed in public when you were younger? What happened?

33. Play. Remember to play with all of this. Let it be messy. See which tips resonate with you, and experiment with them. Seriousness is another expression of fear, so take a light approach to this.

And Please Remember

Whatever fears you’re facing, remember that the only thing that matters is that you listen to yourself, and your inner GPS.

Here’s a super short video of me sharing one of the most important things I’ve learned in my life:

The Wrap Up

While overcoming fear is a learned skill, it can take time.

If you find yourself rushing, slow down. Don’t think of this as going from 0% to 100% in one go. See it as becoming 0.1% better each day.

That 0.1% may seem small, but over time it turns into a wrecking ball.

Have fun,
Henri

P.S. Would you be interested in discovering how to follow your heart? Then I invite you to take a look at my book: Follow Your Heart: 21 Days to a Happier, More Fulfilling Life (affiliate link. I receive a small share of any purchase you make at no cost to you. Thank you in advance!).

Sadness is natural, yet most of us run away from our feelings.

When we run away, we fail to uncover the hidden treasures within.

Why? Because sadness has something to teach us.

Sadness is here to nudge us to look within, to release yourself from the mental shackles that never existed.

Let’s look at how you can do that, shall we?

The Video

The first step is to watch the video below, where I share what I’ve discovered to work.

This video is from 2015, yet it is still completely relevant, and gives a different angle on this topic from the past version of me.

The article continues below the video.

1. What Are You Sad About?

The first step is to look at what you’re sad about.

There is always a triggering event, because something has to trigger you to interpret life with a shade of sadness.

Now notice that your mind wants to go into stories about what’s wrong and what should be happening instead.

These stories are a distraction from the feeling in your body.

Even the label ‘sadness’ is a way to distance yourself from feeling. When you let go of that label and go directly to the sensations, what is there?

Notice the movement, the aliveness.

Can you feel these sensations, just for a moment?

Take some time for yourself. Find a place to sit or lie down, and just become curious about what these sensations feel like.

2. How Are You Creating Your Sadness?

Now let’s go into the thought world.

Once you know the triggering event, look at how you’re interpreting it. In other words: How is sadness created?

You may not be aware of what it is, which is why we want to explore what’s going on. So how do you see how you’re creating your sadness? You make two columns.

In one column, write what happened.

In the other, write the meaning you gave it, or the thoughts that led to feeling sad.

Separate the event and your interpretation.

3. What Other Possibilities Exist?

Now, look at the column where you wrote down the meaning you gave the event or trigger.

Take that meaning and think of alternatives.

What other meanings could you have given what happened?

How would an older, wiser you, see the event?

How would someone you look up to interpret things?

Let’s say you’re sad because no one is buying the book you spent so much time writing.

The meaning you’re giving that event might be that you’re not good enough and that you might as well give up.

Another alternative could be that you just haven’t found the right people yet. Another one would be that you’re still learning, and that you’ve only begun your journey.

I could go on and on.

Write down at least five alternative interpretations. The more you write, the more you will realize that your interpretation is just one of many.

Takeaway

There’s no right way of doing this.

What this comes down to is being curious about how experience is created. Investigate how thoughts seem to feel like they know something when they really don’t.

Explore the sensations that are beneath the labels, and discover that there’s nothing to be afraid of.

And remember, this is not another thing for you to try and get right.

Mess this up completely, experiment, and enjoy it.

All the best,
Henri