Waking Ambrose

The Reformation of Wolfshausen

2009-07-11T05:49:00.000-07:00

Teil Acht-und-Zwanzig

To hear this week's episode promenade past the Beech trees.

Or, to read this week's episode, scurry under oak.

The story so far is here.

Have a good week, y'all. Waking Ambrose will return, Insha'llah, on July 24.

Humorist

2009-07-10T05:54:00.000-07:00

HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.

Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind
See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined —
Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray,
His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day.
He thinks, admitted to an equal sty,
A graceful hog would bear his company.
—Alexander Poke

2009 Update: An entertainer who laughs on the platform and dances beneath the scaffold, hanging on his own every word.

Hearer

2009-07-09T05:04:00.000-07:00

HEARER, n. A person who finds in the remarks of a public speaker something singularly stimulating to thought about his own affairs.

2009 Update: The speaker, at times.

Poetic License

2009-07-08T05:47:00.000-07:00

I saw a woman on the street

With a large basket on her head.

She held the basket straight and neat

And here is what I said:

"You tote your burden lightly.

Your neck must be strong, I say-

I'm curious, just slightly,

What's worth carrying all day?"

"I keep the basket perched there,

As I walk from north to south,

To keep the news that people share

From nesting in my mouth."

GOSSIP, n. Scandal camouflaged in the industry of a neighbor. The idle approach to sin.

Happy birthday to G

Programming note: Due to an impromptu and late-planned vacation, Waking Ambrose will be idle after the story posts Saturday until Monday, July 20th.

Hurry

2009-07-07T05:48:00.000-07:00

HURRY, n. The dispatch of bunglers.

2009 Update: The American approach to recreation, inebriation and leisure.

Halo

2009-07-06T05:42:00.000-07:00

HALO, n. Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body, but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and saints. The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre, or the Pope's tiara. In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a pious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the nimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarly decorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, appears to bear his unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace.

2009 Update: The distinctive evacuation of context that makes tolerable the innocence of a saint.

The Reformation of Wolfshausen

2009-07-04T04:08:00.000-07:00

Teil Sieben-und-Zwanzig

To hear this week's episode read by Terry and- wait for it- Bear, click on the stylish merchants of Germany.

Or, to read this week's episode, click on the shore-left sailor.

The story so far is here.

Happy Fourth of July, all.

Looking Glass

2009-07-03T04:53:00.000-07:00

LOOKING-GLASS, n. A vitreous plane upon which to display a fleeting show for man's disillusion given.

The King of Manchuria had a magic looking-glass, whereon whoso looked saw, not his own image, but only that of the king. A certain courtier who had long enjoyed the king's favor and was thereby enriched beyond any other subject of the realm, said to the king: "Give me, I pray, thy wonderful mirror, so that when absent out of thine august presence I may yet do homage before thy visible shadow, prostrating myself night and morning in the glory of thy benign countenance, as which nothing has so divine splendor, O Noonday Sun of the Universe!"

Please with the speech, the king commanded that the mirror be conveyed to the courtier's palace; but after, having gone thither without apprisal, he found it in an apartment where was naught but idle lumber. And the mirror was dimmed with dust and overlaced with cobwebs. This so angered him that he fisted it hard, shattering the glass, and was sorely hurt. Enraged all the more by this mischance, he commanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into prison, and that the glass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and this was done. But when the king looked again on the mirror he saw not his image as before, but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloody bandage on one of its hinder hooves — as the artificers and all who had looked upon it had before discerned but feared to report. Taught wisdom and charity, the king restored his courtier to liberty, had the mirror set into the back of the throne and reigned many years with justice and humility; and one day when he fell asleep in death while on the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror the luminous figure of an angel, which remains to this day.

2009 Update: The portal by which Alice enters a strange and mythical world. Most Alices, in fact.

(Present company excepted, of course. Our Alice enters by graduate school.)

Laocoön

2009-07-02T05:08:00.000-07:00

LAOCOÖN, n. A famous piece of antique ~~scripture~~ sculpture representing a priest of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human intelligence over brute inertia.

2009 Update: A Trojan priest wise enough to warn his comrades against Greeks bearing gifts but impetuous enough to father two sons. For their lesser incaution, the Trojans were punished with death but allowed to retain some dignity.

Update: Good eye, Jim. The slip, however Freudian, isn't mine. I copied and pasted from The online Devil's Dictionary and missed the error you caught. I checked the book and Bierce is also innocent.

Freedom

2009-07-01T05:59:00.000-07:00

What is freedom?

Is it liberal elbow room at the knees?

The remembered duty to prune and plant trees?

Or treatment for every possible form of disease?

A coherent social safety net?

Ten to one odds on even a sure bet?

Models wearing wisps, modest but wet?

Caveat emptor in all of your commerce?

Or thick men with guns watching your purse?

Is it days that grow longer, more freighted and worse?

Is it safety in offering all of your views?

Sympathy from the judge for your fears and your blues?

Or something silly each day on the six o'clock news?

Does it mean every child learns to count and to spell?

If freedom means one thing and means that thing well,

The philosophers, poets and prigs must all be in hell.

-James Madison Garvey

CONSTRAINED, n. Seated near the center for a liberty lecture.

LL.D.

2009-06-30T05:37:00.000-07:00

LL.D., Letters indicating the degree Legumptionorum Doctor, one learned in laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast upon this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly ££.d., and conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At the date of this writing Columbia University is considering the expediency of making another degree for clergymen, in place of the old D.D. — Damnator Diaboli. The new honor will be known as Sanctorum Custus, and written $$.¢. The name of the Rev. John Satan has been suggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, who points out that Professor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed the advantage of a degree.

2009 Update: A particularly advanced degree in law available those who prefer to advocate mischief in the classroom rather than the courtroom.

Laurel

2009-06-29T05:49:00.000-07:00

LAUREL, n. The laurus, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as had influence at court. (Vide supra.)

2009 Update: A metaphor for admiration, given to honor a successful poet.

Though the winds howl, and the night should turn ebon
And fear should flow cold through the fount of the pen;
Though their names be given to few to adore
And the granary bares it's own earthen floor,
The complaint is the same where the scribes congregate
"All my orchards I'd offer to be laureate."
-Anonymous

The Reformation of Wolfshausen

2009-06-27T04:35:00.000-07:00

Teil Sechs-und-Zwanzig

To hear this week's episode read by Nessa, click on the piglets.

Or sit in the cottage to read this week's episode.

The story so far is here.

This week in The Prattler, Prattler's Law.

Occasional

2009-06-26T05:51:00.000-07:00

OCCASIONAL, adj. Afflicting us with greater or less frequency. That, however, is not the sense in which the word is used in the phrase "occasional verses," which are verses written for an "occasion," such as an anniversary, a celebration or other event. True, they afflict us a little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no reference to irregular recurrence.

2009 Update: At a frequency one tenth as common as a habit and ten times a lucky break, describing both. For example, OCCASIONAL is spelled "occassional" or "ocassional" occasionally.

Outdo

2009-06-25T04:08:00.000-07:00

OUTDO, v.t. To make an enemy.

2009 Update: To do, generally.

The Fox and The Penguin, a fable for children

2009-06-24T04:05:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, on an island of the Tierra Del Fuego, a fox met a penguin.

"Oh, if only you could live where I live or I could live where you live," the fox exclaimed, "we could be such great friends!"

"We can! We can!" answered the penguin. "I live in the world's harshest climate. It stands to reason, I can live in any weather!"

"Any weather??"

"Any!"

So the fox took the penguin to a volcano and said "Jump in! The lava is hot, but you can live in any weather!"

"That's not weather," answered the penguin. "It's geology!"

So the fox took the penguin to where the humans made charcoal and opened an oven and said to the penguin "Climb in! It may be hot but you can live in any weather!"

"That's not weather," answered the penguin. "It's combustion!"

Next the fox took the penguin to the Cordillera, and hopped out onto a thin branch that crossed a windy chasm. "Follow me," yelled the fox through the wind. "It may be windy but you can live in any weather!"

"That's not weather," answered the penguin. "It's geography!"

So, at last, the happy little penguin and the glum little fox returned to the Tierra Del Fuego where a cold winter storm blew. The fox began shivering. "I'm sorry," said the penguin. "It's too cold for you. Is there any way I can help?"

So the fox took the penguin's feathers and as the penguin froze, the warm fox in her coat said "What a poor thing you are! This is not weather but fashion!"

Moral: Stick to the sciences, where a few mysteries remain.

ENCOURAGEMENT, n. Murder in a small denomination.

Opiate

2009-06-23T05:55:00.000-07:00

OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.

2009 Update: A strong narcotic, such as sobering news from overseas.

"The mob is the opiate of the masses"- Friedrich Engels

Obstinate

2009-06-22T06:08:00.000-07:00

OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy.

The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most intelligent animal.

2009 Update: Partial to a previous conclusion.

The Reformation of Wolfshausen

2009-06-20T05:34:00.000-07:00

Teil Fünf-und-Zwanzig

To hear this week's episode read by Barbara Bava (Mütti,) click on the camel.

To read this week's episode, fall with Icarus.

The story so far is here.

Fork

2009-06-19T06:23:00.000-07:00

FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether reject, but use to assist in charging the knife. The immunity of these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking proofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him.

2009 Update: The place between plate and urn in the civilized life cycle.

Fortune-Hunter

2009-06-18T03:46:00.000-07:00

FORTUNE-HUNTER, n. A man without wealth whom a rich woman catches and marries within an inch of his life.

2009 Update: The goblin most feared by penniless romantics. As do CORSAIR, HIGHWAYMAN, and ACTIVIST, the word credits a whiff of dash to the common criminal, which phrase diminishes the typical fellow's individuality and pursuit of respectability.

Spoiling the saga

2009-06-17T05:25:00.000-07:00

Adventures and epics that fit in your hand,

And twitter wherever reporting is banned;

Tales of today without brave knights or damsels,

Told by bloggers wherever the newscasts are cancelled;

My fear for the future is how can it be

When the present's apparent to all who would see?

For mythos and legend and tales to persist,

A few foggy memories need to exist.

If the Persians had cell phones and YouTube to play

In her time, Shahrazade would have lived just the day.

-Teiresias Jenkins

LEGEND, n. An enchantment cast on the forgetful by the forgotten.

Note to Cooper: I'm following Iran on Andrew Sullivan's blog and wondering if dropping crates of cell phones into Darfur wouldn't have saved more grief than every other intervention proposed.

Update to tweeters. I don't know how (exactly) you got here, but welcome.

Fib

2009-06-16T04:34:00.000-07:00

FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit.

When David said: "All men are liars," Dave,
Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief.
Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief
By proof that even himself was not a slave
To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave
Had been of all her servitors the chief
Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf
Is more than e'er she wore on land or wave.
No, David served not Naked Truth when he
Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race;
Nor did he hit the nail upon the head:
For reason shows that it could never be,
And the facts contradict him to his face.
Men are not liars all, for some are dead.
—Bartle Quinker

2009 Update: An assertion that compensates by meekness for the absence of veracity. A lie lacking ambition.

Fiddle

2009-06-15T04:18:00.000-07:00

FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

To Rome said Nero: "If to smoke you turn
I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn."
To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do your worst,
'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first."
—Orm Pludge

2009 Update: v.i. To practice ~~fpr~~for accomplishment.

The Reformation of Wolfshausen

2009-06-13T05:39:00.000-07:00

Teil Vier-und-Zwanzig

To hear this week's episode, sit over by the Lahn and hope for ducks instead of my dad.

To read this week's episode, walk the Lahn at night.

The story so far is here.

This week in The Prattler, Prattler, Party of One.