Waking Up Horny

The Talking Mule

2012-05-06T13:36:00.000-06:00

Now that I've moved back to Houston, I was pleased to grab a Sunday edition of the Houston Chronicle and read Leon Hales's column.

Fittingly, it was his recent encounter with his friend the talking mule, who appears to be extremely publicity-shy, not without good reason.

I equate Mr. Hale with Mark Twain and didn't realize until today how much I missed his writing.

Being on the road does have its disadvantages after all.

Unfortunately, the Houston Chronicle website appears down today, but I will update this post with a link to his column soon.

EDIT: The site is back up now, but today's column isn't there. Here's some previous articles on the subject for your perusal.

Rosetta Stone vs Fluenz

2012-05-05T22:19:00.000-06:00

I must disclose that I have a bias towards Fluenz.
Both these programs will undoubtedly enable you to be semi-fluent in the languages they offer. Even if the locals laugh at your American accent.
However, I have yet to see ANY program that addresses DogSpeak.
Therefore I have decided to fund myself and produce a method for humans and the canine species to communicate with each other.
Following my method you need not pay ridiculous prices to talk to your dog.

In fact, he or she will teach you their language free of charge!
If you follow my PROVEN METHOD you can converse with your BEST FRIEND and bond with them better than you would with you husband or wife.
Dogs are like that.

To prove my point...

Have you ever wondered what your faithful companion was trying to tell you?
Frustrated with barking, whining, licking the soles of your shoes?
Perhaps they engage in "Dumpster Diving" in order to find that two day old chicken bone that you didn't know was there.
Can you tell when they get tired of the cheap toys you purchased from Dollar General?

If you use the DogSpeak program I offer, not only will you understand your companion, you will also be able to use this knowledge to make millions online.

I will provide some free samples here from my DogSpeak program and encourage you to enroll in the full program so you and your pet can EARN UNLIMITED INCOME via my program.

Here are a few examples of this POWERFUL program to wealth and prosperity.

DogSpeak:
"WOOF"
Translation:
Hello

DogSpeak:
"WOOF"
Translation:
I gotta pee

DogSpeak:
"WOOF"
I gotta poop

DogSpeak:
"WOOF WOOF"
I gotta poop real bad

DogSpeak:
"WOOF WOOF WHINE"
I gotta poop so bad that if you don't take me out right this second I will poop in the bathroom where I see you humans poop every day

JUST IMAGINE SELLING THIS POWERFUL TRANSLATION PROGRAM TO CLUELESS DOG OWNERS!

Plus, if you order now, I will include an extra DVD for cats - "No Tuna For You".
A timely and humorous view of dog and cats trying their best to live together despite their human slaves ...err...masters.

These offers are all free thanks to the DogsAndCatsTranslationProject.com
Donations gladly accepted, although we may take a few bucks out for a pizza delivery.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2012-04-23T08:59:00.000-06:00

All that whining about not having a job resulted in me getting three (count 'em: 1, 2, 3) job offers in one day.

Decisions, decisions...

Great. Now that I've made arraignments to move back to Houston, I get all these job offers. The gods must love tormenting me.

Fires, fries, homeless bullshit and spellcheck

2012-04-04T11:41:00.012-06:00

Please kill me now.

Anyway...
I'm going to rob the local liquor store so I can try to be arrested and have a place to stay for the night. I seriously need a nap and I have nowhere else to go.
I'm trying to fashion a believable gun out of soap but my efforts are futile.
What I need is a REAL long and wide bar of soap. Long enough to carve an AK-47 out of it.

Oh. I'm also going to need some black shoe polish.
Both for my carving and my Ninja face.

Wish me luck. I may get as much as 20 bucks if all goes well.

Will You Marry Me?

2012-03-27T11:22:00.002-06:00

I'm such a good catch.
Here is a short list of my good points:

I'm basically homeless.
I have no job currently.
I have no car. My last one is stranded somewhere in Utah, and I'm in PA.

I have exactly 23 cents to my name. It is on a Food Stamp card, real useful eh?
My Unemployment Compensation is all f'd up.
I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere with no means of getting out.
There are no more available minutes on my cell phone plan.
All my clothes need washing.
My dog is in heat.

Now for the bad news...

Need Ride To Houston Texas

2012-03-06T11:47:00.008-07:00

1500 more miles to go. Can't wait until I get back to Texas and to familiar grounds.

The East Coast has been interesting and it has been a challenge just trying to survive. No car, no home, jobs are real scarce here in this locale.

Time to end this.
I've met some great people here but jeesh, enough is enough.

Math question: 1500 miles, average walk for humans is 3 miles/hr.
Not accounting for hiking up and down mountains, rest breaks, sleeping and eating, adverse weather and dragging two suitcases and a dog on a leash... how long would it take me to make it?

Hint: Ain't gonna do it. No fucking way. There are better methods for travelling 1500 miles across America and I intend to use them. A mere academical question just in case I cut my hitchhiking thumb off by some freak accident.
After this trip, one gets paranoid, overtly suspicious. Especially when kind Mrs.Kindel, recently widowed in Cumberland, tries to eat my brain after serving me some delicious coconut cream pie and ice-cold milk.
It was most enjoyable up until that moment.

If I try the hiking solution, I'm afraid I might meet up with other Zombies who chase me into the Tennessee woods and I have to put survival up against the desire to buy/barter/steal that old Ford Falcon that's sitting outside Old Man Parker's cabin. I've seen it and it's cherry and has a working 289 that sounds strong.
Uncomfortably, Mr. Parker has been turned Zombie on me. This after sharing some fine Moonshine with me and wishing me a pleasant night.
I was going to ask if he would be willing to sell me the car. But I can't find the keys to it and he is now out howling with the Others to bust in his own cabin to eat our brains.
Bastards.
Road-trip from Hell, indeed.

Thankfully Ella, my dog, is a great shot with a 12-gauge.
We watch each others back.

Peace. See you all down the road.
Hopefully.

Random Thoughts

2012-02-04T22:49:00.002-07:00

Friends give me a sofa to sleep on, and I am gratefully. thankfully for having me here.

Said friends have kept me from living under a bridge.

There are some great war movies on right now via TCM...

Cheezy, but cute.

My dog Ella has to poop, brb.

I need a back scratch.

See you all somewhere down the road.....

Facebook:Fail, Google Not Far Behind IMHO

2011-12-08T12:41:00.008-07:00

I obviously deleted my FB account a while back. I felt like disappearing for awhile. I even waited the two whole freaking weeks per their TOS without "Liking" something just so I could be completely erased (supposedly).

So I had to create a new account on account of my new job, so I'm back in a limited way.
Still don't trust Facebook, and I am beginning to have many misgivings about Google even though I am a Charter Member there.

Which just means I've given them a whole bunch a data free over the years in exchange for a Gmail account and all the other free stuff they offer.
Like Locations: right now you would see me at 400 or so Plank Road in Altoona, PA. But I'm not really there.
My electrons are scattered freely everywhere. Good luck finding me.

Anyway, there are times when I think they are both EVIL.
Sorry Google, you've been heading in that direction for quite some time now. My guard is up and you are no longer my internet friend. Take your data and shove it.

Too late now. When I die, give a donation to the Internet Archive 'cause that's where I'll be.

New Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002990911558

God...I go back THAT far?
What was I thinking? : http://wayback.archive.org/web/*/http://laurence-martin.com

Cya ya'll down the road...
-lrm

2+2=4.999...

2011-11-23T16:43:00.001-07:00

Dear 2.37 Readers,

Please excuse the dearth of posts here on this humble blog. Many changes have occurred since my last correspondence to you.
Last time we met, I vaguely hinted I was leaving to go get Ella as I was missing her terribly.
That in fact has occurred with me travelling from Houston back to Altoona PA. She is still staying with friends as I can't have a dog where I am currently residing, but we are together once again.

I decided to stay here in Altoona and I have a new job which I enjoy immensely, am looking for a place to reside that takes pets, and hopefully can afford some transportation here in the near future.
That's the plan anyway.
Oh, one more thing. I have got to get me some sort of mobile internet access as this travelling to McDonalds to use their WIFI is getting annoying.

Signing off from central PA,
Laurence Martin - ex Road Warrior

I'm Too Old For This Shit

2011-10-05T09:50:00.002-06:00

Hoo boy.
Another road-trip. Where is my passport anyway?
This should be interesting.
See you all down the road.

On The Road Again

2011-10-04T12:54:00.003-06:00

I'm going to be leaving this latest location in order to rescue my dog, and in the process perhaps rescue me. We have been together since day one and have enjoyed and endured many events in our lifetime together. I hope she will remember me when I show up.

I Miss Her

2011-09-17T20:47:00.005-06:00

Are You Hot Like Me?

2011-09-01T08:27:00.001-06:00

I've picked a wonderful time to move back to my beloved Texas.

As much as I had complained about the cold Pennsylvania winter, I had no idea that I would actually welcome such a situation again. It's been that hot and dry.

It's been so miserable that I was hoping for the hurricane Irene to head our way for some relief from this weather.
I've been here since the beginning of June 2011 and upon arriving learned that the total rainfall for the Houston area was about 5 inches since February.
I know the summers are hot here but most of the days have been 100 degrees F or more (with a few scattered upper 90 degree days here and there). I should have waited until winter to return to the Texas gulf coast, but at least I can take some comfort about the fact that I have certainly sweated all toxins out of my body. In fact, I probably could have watered more that a few backyard gardens with the liquid coming out of my pores.

And now I learn that one of the Houston reservoirs west of town is...

wait for this...

actually on fire.

Plan B From Outerspace

2011-08-30T21:07:00.017-06:00

Sometimes (P+J)+2B = happiness.

This Is What I Do For A Living

2011-08-26T20:08:00.006-06:00

And this is why my quad-core processor overheats all the time...

As an aside, I can't seem to find peanut butter and jelly sandwiches anywhere here.

MyCreditScore.net

2011-08-21T17:04:00.011-06:00

According to various sources, my credit score now stands at a whopping 30.

I'm shocked. Why so high?

Investment Advice

2011-08-13T18:21:00.004-06:00

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!
If you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33.00. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00.

Therefore the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

Ella

2011-08-12T21:33:00.002-06:00

Goodnight Ella.
I miss you.

Blood Pressure

2011-08-12T20:16:00.004-06:00

So my BP is in the danger zone according to the "chair" at Walmart. 159/96.
No shit. I wonder why.
My teeth are in serious need of repair and they are a source of pain and headaches daily. Enough to wish I could OD on Valium or something.
Is it no wonder I am so crabby?
No shit Sherlock.

Besides, I have no job. No home. I have no vehicle. My dating index is -100 on a good day, not that it matters as I'm about the worst candidate ever for that sort of thing. It's been fucking 100 degrees thirty here since I have arrived in Houston. My faithful friend Ella is stuck up in PA and has probably forgotten about me. Yadda, yadda. Cry me a river.

Sorry, but I'm a little pissed off about now.
Grr.

Thanks for letting me vent.

August 2011

2011-08-11T18:52:00.009-06:00

It's been 7 years since I started this blog on a lark. Back when blogs were the "Next Best Thing".
Not so much anymore...
Haven't posted much here lately. I've been busy trying to survive. I'll try to keep this blog updated more frequently. Sorry about that.

I'm not sure if I'm in the right place here at the moment, so many changes have occurred over the last two months that I'm a little overwhelmed.
I almost feel like just putting everything that is left of my life into a backpack and hitting the road once again.

I'm thinking of changing the blog's title back to the original Title. What do you think?
Aww shit. Back it goes.

See you on down the road.

Alamo Drafthouse Rocks

2011-07-09T16:20:00.003-06:00

If you are ever in Austin, stop by and enjoy a movie without people yacking away on their cell phone. Kudos for them and for letting us other folks have a pleasant movie experience.

Philosophy 101

2011-07-01T22:33:00.005-06:00

They say there are two ways of looking at life.

One way is to look at the glass and say it is half empty.
The other way is to say it is half full.

I say get a smaller glass.
.
.
.
.
.
What?

Half Way There

2011-06-30T13:58:00.004-06:00

It's the middle of the year already. Time sure has seemed to fly by these past six months.

So...

How many more days until Christmas?

The Class Of 71

2011-06-18T22:20:00.004-06:00

We be rockin'.
We taught you punks every riff you ever heard.
BTDT
Let's play some music...

Where Is My Money Anyway?

2011-06-13T13:02:00.005-06:00

I was trying to find out where my money went. My Visa account is down to $150 or so...
I'm obviously not on this list.