Walker's Roost

Pay it forward

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 03:39:00 +0000

As the new year is upon us, I've spent most of the day thinking about what we give back. The pay it forward process. Mostly I've thought about those that forget to pay it forward.
I've spent alot of time giving and helping, I've often wondered why those I have helped haven't felt the need to pay it forward. They've taken and taken and improved their life and yet in the end when they were doing ok, I haven't seen them pay it forward. I haven't witnessed or known of them unselfishly giving back to someone else. As giving as I've been, it makes me want to take back my give to them! I dont give of myself or my hard earned money for anything back, but when I know that you are in a position to help someone else that is in need and instead of unselfishly helping, you are asking something ....well that just kinda irks me. Someone else has helped you and asked nothing in return, did you really already forget that? Someone else that helped you in some way had to do without or compromise to help you in that position and they did it without question and never made you feel like you owed anything, I expect that when the next person comes along that also needs that help, why are you taking from them and not giving back what you were glad was offered to you?
You may view your new found financial place as a blessing but I can promise you that if you do not give back what was unselfishly handed to you, you will soon see your position quickly decline and rightly so. Life isn't about taking and taking and never giving back, it's about doing what's right and when you are in the position to help someone that's trying to help themselves and you refuse to because that almightly dollar in your bank account has suddenly become your priority, well then the next time you need that help (and I promise you will) You'll suddenly find yourself in that same position that the person who needs your help now is the person you are Not helping.
I will continue to help those that need help, but because I haven't seen anyone that I have helped give back, you will absolutely not be on my list, the next time you need help. If you can't pay to someone else what I have unselfishly given you, then please don't ask for my help again.
I didn't make many new year resolution other than being in the will of God and having a better heart....And I know that giving is in the will of God, but I also believe that God would like me to expect that you give back what we gave you. So I'm adding this to my list of NY resolutions.
Give back! Someone once helped you in your need, someone gave their all. Where's your All? Shame on you!

Perfect Love

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 03:37:00 +0000

In my lifetime I guess I've experienced about every kind of love there is, I can honestly tell you that "perfect love" doesn't exist. But love eternally certainly does.
Maybe that counts for more than any other kind of love, consistency has alot to say about itself.
I've loved "truly" in my heart, loved....my husband since the day I first laid eyes on him. I was a mere 18 years old and my heart took over. We dont' have the perfect relationship, I sometimes think our children wonder what exactly it is, but someday hopefully they will also experience this "lifetime" kinda love. We can fight, we can be mad, we can be at our end, but still there's the "love". Can't just walk away, well you can, I did for 23 years, but the love dont stop. If you love someone in your life, if you truly love them, it can never ever go away. Love can't be a choice, it's not an elective you chose. It's usually against your will. True love doesn't go away, it doesn't fade. It stays FOREVER.....
If you can say I used to love him/her but I dont anymore, then you never loved. PERIOD.
To love, puts that person in your heart, and no matter what they do, no matter what happens, no matter how many years has passed, that love NEVER EVER leaves, it's like a tattoo upon your heart. Love is a permanent state.
We DO NOT have the ability to fall out of love, we fall in love, and NOTHING can take that away.
Ask that woman that hasn't seen the man she loved since she was 15 years old, yet 40 years have passed, if she cried silently in the shower the night that God called him home. Ask that man that went to his grave loving her.
What we do is move on, the heart dont stop. Life goes on (There's that ole saying) But the love never stops.

That time of year again

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 01:23:00 +0000

Yes, once again the holidays are upon us. The stress, the budgets or lack thereof, the planning, the attempting to please everyone....Wow, just writing that sentence was exhausting. :)
Yet, this year I find myself very much in spirit. This is odd for me as since the kids all left home and I dont get to see their bright gleeful faces Christmas Day, I dont take as much pleasure in Christmas as I used to.
This year I haven't fretted over the exact item, the exact amount of money to spend on each kid, not even the planning of the actual day...I only want to be with all my kids and grandkids this year. I don't care about giving or receiving gifts. I only care about sitting around a fire, with some grandkids climbed up in my lap and enjoying their precious few moments of happiness they give me.
I vision hot cocoa and fresh baked cookies and older kids playing games at the table, conversations around the sectional, laughter throughout the house. I see memories being made and new traditions started....
I only want to be with the kids for Christmas and I want all of them to be happy that today is the day that God gave us and that this family is our blessing from God, The good, the bad and the ugly. I want their hearts to swell and feel all warm and cozy within their family unit.
I want to bless a family that can't enjoy these feelings this year. I would gladly share mine, but it's hard to enjoy someone else's happiness when your life seems so bleak. I want one family that really needs me this year and I want to give them that small spark that life and people are still good and hopefully inspire the hope that they have lost. I pray that God sends that family to me so that I can help them.

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 02:18:00 +0000

So much Drama! Geez, I appreciate facebook, I love having family and friends and reconnecting and making new friends. I love having a family to turn to daily, for prayers, for guidance, advice...etc..
I haven't made my profile private because to be honest, I didn't expect that I would need to. I'll add who I want to add and ignore those I don't.
But inevitably there are people who see this whole facebook thing as a way into my life, my business and my family and friends. It's kinda sad for them that they have to resort to my facebook to make an appearance LOL, really, my life is NOT that interesting.
Get your own life, and most importantly worry about your own life. I'm living the life I chose to live and I'm very happy in it.
If and when I talk to my friends or family rest assured it has absolutely nothing to do with you, if it did, I'd just delete them and have a real life relationship with them, which I do anyway.
I'm where I want to be. I dont need to see your face on the side of my page, I don't need your "likes" on my comments, nor do I need a friend request from you and that won't ever change in the future.
Here's how I work, in the present, right here, right now. I have a lifetime of friends that I love. Most of them are on my page. I have a lifetime of family, they too are on my page. I dont randomly search for additions to my page, if someone requests me and I want them on my page, I add them. Period. If not, I ignore.
I wish for only positive, healthy relationships in my life and refuse to have anything else. "You" are not a positive in my life and we really have nothing to say to each other, I have no desire to see your page and I wish you'd lose the desire to see mine. Not that I have anything to hide, it seems I have what I wanted, maybe you are just jealous that you couldn't get it, I dont know.
Maybe you should let go of your fears, your lack of self esteem and the loss that you willingly took and worry about who "you" are and not "who" I am.
However, to satisfy your deep, immature need to know, here goes
I'm very happily married to the love of my life, I have a great career that I love. I have a great family that I'm very close to and spend as much time as I can with. I am living the dream, yes I am.....And it's a real dream, not one made up, not one I'm just content with but the real dream. Exactly where I want to be. It's not fake, it's not made up. My husband and I fight and argue over stupid crap, we work our butts off to get what we've got, we have a plan. We didn't settle for each other, we found each other. Our love is real and it's eternal.
I dont need to impress you, I dont even need you to know my life. I live my life for me and mine, my suggestion to you is that you settle for the life you chose and stop trying to live in mine!

Change

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 03:11:00 +0000

She fell in love head first at 18 years old. She gave him her complete heart and never thought twice about it......
Our hearts are capable of love at a much earlier time that our heads and bodies are actually capable of dealing with such an emotion as "love"
We can love at such an early age because we haven't learned to let our heads interfer, we haven't yet engaged solid thought. We don't know reservation, we dont know question, we are still truly capable of complete trust.

Of course he broke her heart completely into.....

She moved on, she loved again, and unknowlingly started the cycle of loving and hurting. It was years before that wall was finally built and absolutely in place. But once erected it was absolutely solid and safe.
It was there behind that wall, that she finally found complete and utter acceptance. She called it happiness. And in reality she probably was at the very least content! Her focus became her life, her career, her plans. Love wasn't really in her goals anymore, it wasn't in her list of searches. Life became better, goals and plans were being reached. Life was good.

Yet, love found her again.....maybe without her consent. It just happened. It was there and it felt ok to pursue. Bliss happened and Bliss died......She found herself in pain again, in angonizing, excruziating heart ripping pain. She had been tough for so much of her life that she thought she could heal herself and life did indeed go on. She found herself giving more and more chances, more and more of herself and her love.....nothing was happening different. No matter what she gave, Love was taking. And there was no return. The only thing that was consistent in her life was pain and hurt.

One day she awoke and though she still felt the love, she realized the pain and the yearning was gone. I think she knew that day that it was gone, at the very least, she was a different person. She felt a little numb, a little detached, and distant from the thing she knew as love.

Love is strong, even pain can't kill it. The love continues......
But she accepted in her heart that the love would remain......She just had to find a way to stop the pain.
The wall had been built again and it was stronger than it had ever been before!

The Final Death vs. The Chosen Death

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 13:24:00 +0000

A loss of someone you love is a terrible tragedy. A pain that cannot be comforted, and that only time and acceptance can help ease. Some losses are harder to accept than others. Some of our pain, anquish and grief is entensed by lack of acceptance from us before the passing.
When you lose someone it's permanent and life is without them until one day when we all meet again in heaven.
As deep as that pain is, there is nothing to do other than acceptance, there isn't anyway to take back or fix the relationship or speak the last words that you so desperately wish you could, it's final...
However people face loss everyday, maybe not death in the final state, but death still the same. Death to the relationship, way of life, etc.
And expect to deal with the pain and anquish and grief in the exact same manner as the death that is final, yet, it's not....
Sometimes the grief is exactly the same as if the person/relationship/lifestyle had died and been buried.
In some circumstances, I guess it's necessary to deal with it this way and it's probably the best way to heal.
But many many times, it's not!
Your chance is still there, you have to decide why the loss happened? You have to decide if the end is necessary or fair....
We aren't always given the luxury of having that choice of whether or not to fix it, as we find when we bury a loved one, but when we've suffered a loss that isn't final, it's a option to suffer.
So many times the loss is brought on by hurt feelings, or misplaced words or actions. It's a difference of opinion. It's lack of doing the right thing. But if you are still being given that option to "fix" a death that isn't final, I'd encourage you to explore what/why happened. I'd take a deep long look at my heart and ask myself what God would do and I'd think long and hard about whether or not this loss was worth the pain, anquish and grief I'm feeling.
I'd take my choice very serious. I'd start with forgiveness for whatever hurt you were caused.
Love isn't so easy to find, relationships built aren't so easily destroyed or forgotten and life is long and empty and lonely with unforgiveness, bitterness and resentment in our heart.

Pay it forward

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 00:19:00 +0000

We were driving out of Walmart parking lot. The man is sitting near the exit holding his sign...I don't recall the exact wording on the sign, but my sister and I both smiled. The beggar had a sense of humor about his financial state. As my sister turns the truck around, I dig through my purse, we didn't have much to give but his light attitude about his situation honestly made us rethink how fortunate we both were to at least have jobs even if we were struggling.
Too many times in life we focus so hard on our own hardships that we oversee a simple blessing like a weekly paycheck. We spend so much time in feeling sorry for ourselves, being upset this or that, did or didn't happen in our lives and blaming anything and anyone, all our energy is spent on that. Therefore none of our time ever actually goes to fixing what's wrong with us or our situation. When you allow yourself to continue on in that perpetual state of self pity or refusing to take the next step to turn things around, then you are drowning and you'll continue to sink until you can take that step to solid ground.
Once you give back, pay it forward.....you'll see that change that you've been wanting. But first you have to learn to start giving and not just taking. Its the perfect time of year to be a giver, look around for your opportunity to give back

Thanksgiving

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 02:49:00 +0000

We had our family Thanksgiving yesterday and it was especially awesome this year as ALL 6 of our children were here. Travis and I blended our family's 4 years ago and I absolutely love that our children have been accepting and loving towards being a "family"
I think maybe the first time we All came together was the best test for both of us, we watched as "our" 6 kids met and then became friends and then eventually "family"
Wow, by God's grace, we are a true family. With added spouses and many many grandbabies.
The special little moments that you take to share a "bit" of advice, or offer your thoughts to that one special kid. And secretly you have been sharing those special moments with each kid, without the other knowing :) The hugs, the laughs, the jokes, the shared history of a Thanksgiving from many years ago.
I love these times, I love these days and they are few and far between, so I treasure them dearly. I love the diversity of many different personalities coming through and yet that's what makes us unique. Those people closest to my heart giving me one more moment of intense happiness.
I doubt our children know that it's only when they are here that we are completely in our element of who we really are....
With this day done, I find myself anxiously awaiting the next time that we all get to be together! If you are at my house on any given holiday, there are precious memories being made. There are special efforts being made for this year to be the best ever....

Giving Thanks

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 06:00:00 +0000

I have been posting daily on Facebook what I'm thankful for that day, it should be that way all the time and not just the month of November. Maybe I'll make that change. It's a much brighter facebook with everyone being thankful and not negative to say the least.
Being thankful isn't always an easy state to be in, sometimes it's just downright HARD to find that thankfulness.....
For a long period of my life, I didn't see it, I couldn't see it. But it wasn't because it wasn't there, it was because I expected it to be in some other form than what it was.
As I was driving down a dirt road one evening at dusk, the sun was setting behind a "hill" and it hit me. God made that and he allowed me to see the beauty in that day.
A few afternoons later I was driving by a pasture and I again took note of the beauty that had been hidden.
It took me a few days but it came to me, if you are looking for it, there is beauty all around.
So now each morning I'm thankful that the sun has come up and that I'm fortunate enough to sit on my porch with a hot cup of coffee and maybe a conversation with the husband. I'm thankful that I have money to put gas in my car and drive to work. Oh and I'm thankful for that job that God placed me in.....
SO you see, it's not that hard to find something to be thankful for, if your heart is truly thankful!

Moving On!

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 04:43:00 +0000

I consistently watch people do absolutely nothing to change their course of life. Maybe they work, maybe they make an effort to get by....
Ok, good. But if you dont take the next step, if someone doesn't force you to take the next step, then you'll likely be 'getting' by for a good long time.
Our future, our life is 100% up to us. There's nothing magical, there's nothing grand that's going to happen to change your life! You are the only one that can do that.
It's a one step at a time thing. Make a plan, make it in tiny little steps and then take that tiny little "first" step. It's not that hard.
Figure out exactly what isn't happening in your life. Then move to the plan. Make the very first goal a step towards changing that thing in your life that is holding you back.
Is it a lifestyle change you need to make, is it a disconnect you need to make? Deep inside you, you know what else you could be doing different, so why aren't you?
Often we get caught up in comfort, the comfort of having that job we've had forever, living in that town that we have always lived in, working with those people we are used to. For some it's lack of determination, lack of a drive to get out of bed in the morning and get up and do something different. Some of us, it's lack of focus, lack of discipline.
I dont care how young or old you are, you can change your life, you CAN do something different. No one is going to do it for you and NO ONE should. Redefine what you ought to be doing right now, it's pretty likely you AREN'T doing it.
Ask yourself, "Do I want to be where I am right now, 5 years down the road?" If you dont, then there's the start of your plan, what do you need to do next. Don't wait,right now is the perfect time to change your course and if you dont, then don't cry to me, because I had to make that decision and move myself!

Writers Block?

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 05:45:00 +0000

I'm prepared to write the next blog, no really I am! Thoughts aren't forming, they are actually rambling.
For the better part of the day, I've had a huge headache that Tylenol or nothing else could touch. I have so many things to do and with work and Thanksgiving with my family this week and a long long trip to enjoy Thanksgiving with his family next week, I might possibly be a little stressed.
This is what the holidays do to me, they stress me out! This isn't how it should be. I realize that, yet it still happens.
I swore last year I would do something different for a the holidays, like a cruise or something. Wishful thinking on my part cause in reality, I love the KAOS....I love seeing all my children together, mingeled with some grandbabies and I love cooking for all them and having a house full. I say that but I stress til the actual day arrives and we are all once again in one house.
I look forward to having the kids.....their kids and anyone else that show up. It takes me back like nothing else could ever possibly do
I wish everyone a great holiday season and I hope that at the very end of your stresss, you ALSO find great comfort in it. :)

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 03:54:00 +0000

My family said a final good bye to a very special Aunt this last week. Though I didn't see her near often enough, she meant more to me than I can say.
Sadly, I have to add here that the lack of spending time together was often more my fault than hers.
Before I go further I'd have to give you some history, I was born to two teenagers that split up before I was born. Though he saw me as a small child, life took it's place and both my parents married others.
I'm placing no blame here but as the years went by, I was raised and placed and loved being in my step family, I learned only of the biological one when I was 10 and much to young to deal with that new found knowledge. By the time I reached the teenage years curiosity set in and I randomly chose to meet this member or another of the biological family.
These small efforts must have made their way to my Aunt Cheryl, because it wasn't long after that she tracked me down and more than one time in my life, tried to bring me together with the long line of the biological family. Here and there I made an effort. My father wasn't a pushy man, he knew I loved him, he accepted that I was such a Wilson that I'd show up to what I wanted to show up to.
In 2005, Me, my sister and my brother buried our father. I regretted all the opportunities that I had to share with him and chose not to. And this week when I said good bye to my aunt, I had those same regrets.
In fact, I can go back to many times in my life that I lost a loved one and had regrets over time NOT spent. Biological or not. I dont know why I'm like that. I can't figure it out.
I avoid all things that might cause me pain, maybe because I've had to face so much other pains in my life. I remove myself from anything uncomfortable, maybe because I desire comfort so much.
I honestly can't tell you!
Now, I'm old enough to realize that in most people's life's, we dont' get enough opportunity's to love enough people, we dont take the chances we have to forgive those that have hurt us, those that have made us uncomfortable. No one is perfect, no one ever will be, we have to adjust, we have to forgive and most importantly, sometimes it's totally up to us to take a chance and pursue a life with someone that once hurt you. Most of the time, given the second chance, the person will redeem themselves and though they can't undo what they've done, you can both be healed by starting your relationship anew.

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 01:59:00 +0000

Travis and I have been married for about 3 1/2 years. We've been actually physically together much less than that. But when you consider that God brought together two people who've basically been single for at the very least a decade then you would understand why we've spent less time together.
This year we've spent an entire full fledge year together, aside from work, we were together day in and day out. We made goals and focused on them. And yes we've argued and fought. Our initial goals came through, it was easier to make the next set of goals and they are also working, although we haven't reached the end of them,, we definitely will.
I believe that both of us still have reservations, maybe not about the state of our marriage, we are both too damned stubborn to give up on that after all we've been through.....but maybe the little things.
Sometimes I think he takes way too much and gives way too little, and I'm sure sometimes he believes the same. At the end of the day, we've both done what needed to be done to reach those goals we set.
I think maybe our jobs differ, and here's where I think they differ. I'm the one that will take care of the little things. The house, animals, relationships, groceries...ok, you get it, I'm basically the housewife. Though I still work and contribute. Travis has a career as well, and on Monday's he always sees that the trash is carried to the road...Ok, in a pinch, he can and will do much more than that. I'm just trying to lay out a story line here.
When it comes to the big stuff, like household repairs, appliances, etc....It's him that carries the load. Ultimately when it comes down to it, we both carry our load but we do it in totally different ways. And maybe that's how we work.
My initial reason for posting was that I wanted to say that my husband likes to say that my parents spoiled me rotten. Especially when he's trying to get my goat and I do have to give him that I came from a very strong, loving family. My mother was a coddler and I learned true real life, only after I left home. But I did succeed in becoming an accomplished adult ;) I didn't have everything and anything handed to me, other than love.
The irony here (Oh yeah, that was the main idea of the story) is that my husband has taken the role of them. He has seen to it that I have been given the very best that he can offer, he supports me, he pushes me to pursue my dreams and he stands by me. He is truly my mate, my soul mate.
Yeah I'm a little spoiled......We worked hard for what we've got and where we've come.
And I kinda like it! Thank you Baby!!

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 01:55:00 +0000

I recently read a blog where someone committed to blog every day for a year. It got me thinking, I used to blog everyday, sometimes more than once and the words flowed easily. But after over a year off of blogging I find that the words dont always come so easy anymore. I try not to force my writing and I believe that the best writing is when the word flows smoothly. On the other side of that, I have to say that not writing for so long has hindered that.
I wonder if I should blog daily, just write for a minute? I've found in life that if you just move ahead and start something that the flow usually follows. In a writers world this isn't always the best course of action but it might be what is needed to move along.
So I guess I'm committing to not just writing everyday for a year but that I will write everyday. Something. Whatever it is. I will write.

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 05:03:00 +0000

I believe that I've walked through many trials successfully. Not always, but for the most part I've come away with the lesson.
In 2006 I left Texas to return to Oklahoma at what I sincerely believed was the end of a "trial", started a new career and a new outlook on life. Less than a year and half later I find my life in total turmoil, it took me a minute or two to realize it was once again a "trial". I've since discovered that maybe just maybe the end of 2006 wasn't the end of the fire but that God repositioned me for a reason and I was to continue the walk.
Trust me, when I say that I did continue. Long past what I thought the lesson should be. Late 2010, I was finally starting to see the other side of the mountain. I'm not sure even at this point that I realized I had been going through the fire. But once on the other side, I knew without a doubt that for 4 solid years, I had walked!
The valley, the trials, the fire, whatever you call them aren't necessarily over when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, if you haven't conformed to the reason God decided this time was necessary, he will lighten it up, but it will continue without a doubt. Don't be tricked into believing cause life gets better, you've come away with the lesson!
I believe that when you can't destroy your own happiness and you can't run from something uncomfortable and that God finally has you situated, then maybe just maybe that's the end. When you can willingly give up something inside you that is buried so deep it was considered a good trait, then maybe God has finally worked on you. When life is no longer what "you" make it, but it's a daily surprise and you are in awe of how "THIS" has come about, then maybe it's GOD and what he decided your life to be.
I guess what I'm trying to say is there is no timeline for walking through the fire, there is no time line for becoming who you were always supposed to be, or what you were always supposed to be, but if you give it to Him, he will get you there. You might be surprised where he takes you, what he does with you...but you find that honestly, you couldn't have done better yourself. That is relenting!

Too much credit

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 04:33:00 +0000

We often give way too little, way too much credit.....People become easily upset by small little things that tomorrow or 5 years or 25 years later won't seem that important, however, if they do, then you'd be one that dwells too much and dont let enough go.
I was often that one that felt the need to fix things, to avoid things and to be angry because something happened. I was giving life to the very things that was making my life hard. Not that I don't ever NOT do it, I still do but most of the time I catch myself. I've learned the only things that are truly important are the things that motivate, push and encourage you. If you give time to something that only makes you angry, sad, hurt, etc....you, my dear, are truly wasting time. Time that is not promised, time that cant be gotten back. Time that belongs to you and your happy little life that you are supposed to be living and if you are spending it in anger then you just robbed yourself. If you are spending it in guilt then your last moment on earth may be in the guilt stage.
I've given way too much negative in my life....my life.
I believe that's why I can treasure that moment that we are sitting around the den, with smiles all around. Being silly, laughing, goofy....it's called loving life.
It why I can get on the floor with my grandbabies and be completely immature. I may not have tomorrow and they may not remember my many important speeches about right and wrong, but they will remember that Nana wrestled or colored or painted or baked. And if the last memory they have is Nana being silly, I pray it teaches them to love and live life. To have fun and enjoy what we have.
Sometimes I believe that some people can only function when and if they have drama and if it doesn't present itself to them, they will manifest it in their everyday actions. I'm sure there's a technical term for it but I can't recall it at the moment. Life is truly short (Yes I hate this phrase) But in truth, we only have today. Only tonight actually. Tomorrow hasn't come yet.
So instead of being angry, sad, disappointed or pitiful, look into your day and search for the true good you experienced. You did, I promise and if you can't find it right now, it is because you've closed your eyes to any good you might deserve.
When I awake in the morning (even after no hours of sleep) I thank the Lord for my day. I actually say "Come with me today Lord and teach me and show me what you see" I didn't always do this and I promise those days back then when I didn't, I saw only ugly. When I'm delayed my prayers are "What's next? Lord?" Because I do know that it's in His control and I'm merely a vessel. I'm waiting for his direction, even when it's not in line with what I believe should be the next step. Try to stay aware, if the very least you can do in the morning is get up and be thankful for the sky, whether it's dark and gray or warm and sunny, acknowledge it. Praise him for it and ask him to come along with you that day and see what he sees. Believe me, my friends, in one week, the world will look amaingly different to you!

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 03:53:00 +0000

It has been a long day, it's been many many years since my little children dressed up and went "trick or treating", today I reflected on all the years or making, creating or buying costumes. Depending on our financial status decided whether we created, bought or made. I think maybe some of the best were the years we created. How I miss that? Funny, cause this is the first year I've really really missed it. Those dark nights with excited little children in the back seat, walking neighborhood after neighborhood. Stopping for fast food for supper. Silently praying that when we finally got home the excitement would somewhat be wore off and they'd drift into dreamland. Usually didn't happen exactly as I imagined but there excitement was worth the loss hours of sleep.
I miss them being little, I think sometimes I just miss them being at home. I treasure how they've grown and admire them as parents now themselves but Momma misses her babies most definitely tonight!

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 04:26:00 +0000

Who are you? Really? Are you sure you know? Deep down?
Who were you? Who are you now?
The answer I've found is that we actually do get to decide...I love that?
It absolutely does not have to be dependent on what someone else has done, didn't do or won't do for you. It isn't about who you hang out with, what their thoughts are or what you hope they think of you.
I love that too, becoming me was a transition, some didn't like, some did. Those that did, are still my friends and I treasure that!
I don't need to impress anyone, I DO NOT need to get on here to dog my husband, ect to get your attention. I like me, so if you like me, you'll read my words no matter what. I hold my head high and if at some point I hate my life and dont like me, I'll tell you. But what I WON'T do is dog others in my life, it's not funny, its not good writing, it's not gonna make anyone like you. You are still you and if you feel the need to put others down in your life, then you just havent decided what your life could and would be.
Stop blaming others, stop revealing their short-comings and focus at the thing on hand.....YOU!
Life will become much better and less tragic for you....The DRAMA you create is making you an idiot and you've lost all of YOU!

Searching

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 14:13:00 +0000

Sometimes we search for so long that we forget the goal, or the goal has been lost. So much other has happened that the original goal hardly matters anymore. It's important to remember here that the answer was always right there in front of you, either it wasn't being given clearly or you didn't want the answer you were seeing, but it was in fact probably right there.

It was probably during that time of comtemplation that you needed to stop, were you waiting on someone else to make a decision for you? We say no but in actuality, if we allow something we aren't happy with to continue, then I do believe that we were giving the other control to decide what would happen.

I know that sounds confusing, especially if you are relating it to the old saying "If you love something, let it go"

But that's it exactly, you have to let it go. It's not your struggle, it's not your fight and it's not your right. Therefore, all your left with is what you choose to do and it's not dependent on what someone else does or doesn't do.

It's up to you to make that decision prior, we should all have values and a stance and we should never be afraid to take that stance. It should be deep within us, like the fact that we know we would never commit murder or adultery, etc. It shouldn't never be questioned. And the pain comes from being that passive person that forgot what he/she stood for to begin with.

You opened the door to pain and therefore have allowed it.

New Beginnings

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 14:02:00 +0000

It's been so long since I've wrote that I feel I must start completely from the beginning.....

I'm happily married to the love of my life, a man that stole my heart when I was 18 years old, after being torn apart by stupid, childish acts, somehow, maybe only through the grace of God, we found each other again after 25 years. That was 4+ years ago, today after much anguise, adversity and push, we are going strong. I'm a mother to 6 wonderful children that I cherish dearly, and 12 beautiful life changing grandchildren.

I'm a very busy person with a high profile, challenging career in the Oil & Gas field. I also have three direct sales businesses and a developing grapic design business. I love cake decorating and have learned that this hobby brings me an immense sense of reward.
Life doesn't slow down at our house.

We just bought a beautiful house in a small town in the quiet of the country. Peaceful. I love it and this serene little setting has brought back the need to write again. So here we are.

I hope you enjoy what you read and I hope that my thoughts bring you peace, knowledge or revelation as you view.

Live your life

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 13:59:00 +0000

In the last several years, many changes have taken place in my life, some good, some great and some totally unexpected and unwanted.
My life is at a stable point right now and I like it that way but I acknowledge that to get it here, I practically shut down and took one step at a time. However, that doesn't change the fact that there were permanent changes that altered the rest of my life.
The end result for me has me thinking about the "rest" of my life. I like peace and quiet, but do I like it too much? I like stability, but could it also be that sometimes you need things stirred up to actually get you going again? Life is heading exactly where I wanted it to be, but I got so busy, preparing, repairing and recovering that life was also very boring. I've decided that amidst all this preparation and recovery, there was very little excitement in my life. It was mundane.
I love the financial place I'm at, I love the new home, I love the parents being moved closer and knowing that they are going to be taken care of. I love the kids all becoming more and more grown and stable. I love the fact that I have a great career and am starting to build my businesses.
However, I had to stop and ask myself, when was the last time that you weren't so busy that you actually got to have a little fun? Excitement eluded me....
The "stability" I searched out was taking the "fun" that I needed to be able to appreciate the stability. Is that a catch 22?
So as I continue to plan and reach financial and family goals, I refuse to stop "living" just to "LIVE"
There's not enough time with my family because of the job(s) and goals. And why have these things if you are giving up that which you most cherish and makes you who you are? I've discovered it's not worth retiring in a few years if I have to give up these years of happiness. I'm not changing my retirement plan or life goals but I am making time again for "fun"
I expect I will be as busy this year as I was last year, but there will be a healthy balance of business/family time.

2010

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 02:42:00 +0000

2010...I expected to be such a change from the prior years and rightly so it's beginning to take form.
2009 was a miserable year for me in more ways than I care to mention. I was at a crossroads and paranoid to make a move, and praying earnestly, I wasn't receiving direction so I sat idly waiting, right or wrong, that's the only move I felt safe with.
Life has been a roller coaster and if I've ever complained or whimpered in my life previous to this, I can tell you straight up that I had absolutely no right. It seems that right and left I've been faced with adversity, confusion and a stubborn nature that Im not sure I had the right to carry. But as the first trimester has passed, I'm starting to see a beginning. I was going through a fire, one that I expected was coming to an end last year when in reality it was only going to end this year.
So here I am....
I still dont know the direction, but I've began to be competent again to make decisions for my own life and follow some leads. The Lord has blessed me continously in this last year even in the times of peril for me and I acknowledge that.
I've made some life decisions that I knew needed to be made...I will follow through with each and every one. I've gained strength when in reality I believed He was taking my strength. He sorted my strengths and left only the ones that would carry me. This transition was very scary to a person who has always carried her own, but ONLY submission allowed me to come through this the better person.
I could go on here and tell of the details, but there's really no reason, as long as I came through with the end results, it happened as it should. So, the new Angie is coming along and I'm sure will be the new, improved version. My faith has gotten me through. I'm no longer bull-headed about what "I" believed was the course for me but have finally relented that the Lord had other plans and I intend on following them at the risk of everything. And, that, my friends is the definition of true faith. I have no doubt that whereever, however I end up in this next year is exactly where the Lord intended me to be.

Paying for your raising....

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 02:56:00 +0000

We've all been burdened with the mother's curse, right. You know the one that goes like this when you've drove Mom to the absolute limits, "I hope when you grow up you have 10 kids JUST like you" And though Mom probably didn't mean it in quiet that sense, we've all had that kid that was so much like us, we didn't know what to do with them.
My children are grown and I thought that I had truly paid for my raising, some of them made me pay more than once. :)
But today I discovered that it's not our children that's going to make us pay, it's our parents. I've realized and accepted for years that when it come time to take care of my parents that I would be the one to do it. There's only my sister and I, and with her having a handicapped child, she can't do it. Which is the main reason I moved to Duncan three years ago. My parents aren't old by any means, Mom had me when she was a month 16, and Dad is only two years older, so I expected that I'd have a few more years.
The last few months has shown me that the time is getting closer and closer, though they are tough and stubborn, I am seeing the deteoriation daily. Dad has sick been sick for about 5 years, but now that Mom is failing, it scares me. It actually scares the hell outta me.
Can I do it? Yes in a heartbeat and I will do it to the best of my ability. But getting my parents to relent and let me is a whole other issue. A few months ago my youngest daughter called me after dropping me off at the airport, Mom was driving my vehicle and had to call her to ask how to put gas into my car, it scared her and scared me. This summer I've kinda been at their beck and call, can you take us here or take us there, can we ride with you, etc. Believe me that's no problem, I will take them whereever they need to go.
But it's laid on my mind, what actually can they handle? Mom has been trying to teach Dad to order his own medicine and Dad refuses, even after Mom stating that if something happens to her what will happen. You know what he says, he says, "Angie will do it" Ok, I will and he knows it, but it dawned on me that I'm not even sure of his doctors name or what medicine he takes when. They quickly took care of that the last doctor visit, the dr. wrote me out a list of what Dad takes and when...It's safely stored just in case.
Today Mom was over at the house and for whatever reason she brought her mail in and was going through it, she had paid three utility bills recently and was getting responses from them, saying they had only received empty envelopes. Well we all have memory lapses, but Mom was mad at the mail service, thinking she didn't seal the envelopes and they had lost the checks...Ok maybe but not likely. Likely is that Mom never filled out the checks.
My dilemma is not taking care of them but getting them to relent to let me take care of them....My karma for my raising will be that I was raised by willful stubborn people and they arent' likely to relinquish control yet, even though it's obviously time for them to do so.

Indecisiveness

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 01:07:00 +0000

This week I'm officially once again unemployed....regrets rack at my being about what should I have done differently 10 months ago when I was first laid off. But patiently waiting for a life to begin that hasn't yet, altered my decisions back then and maybe even are now. But never the less....
I find that I'm torn between what is deep in my blood, the food industry or what my bank account would like me to do, the oil and gas. ThSatough I'm pulled and often think I should just make this call myself and do what I love and miss and yearn to do on a daily basis, I'm paralyzed to make that decision.
I have given it to God, I pray daily for his direction in the area HIS will will take me. So in actual preparation for that, I've had to think about 2 seperate resumes and any area that I could be called. I try to take my mind and thought out of places, states or towns that I dont think I would want to be. So in fairness, my resumes are out there in as many states, towns and places I could get them. Beings I'm here in Central Oklahoma, my walk-ins will contain me to this general area, so if I'm expected to go elsewhere, it'll take one of those online resumes getting noticed. I've left nothing out here, I've called old employers, co-workers and colleagues to put myself out there as much as possible.

I'm ready and excited to start something new. I'm ready to continue learning and moving up and only God knows what career choice that'll be, but I am anxious to begin now. I expect to start having some call backs the end of this week or beginning of next week.
I'll let you know as soon as I do... Wish me luck!

Power in the words

noreply@blogger.com (Angie Walker) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 05:16:00 +0000

Seems as if I've been gone from home for months now, I guess in actuality I have. I think I was "home" a total of 9 days from June up to this last week. Yes, it's been seriously neglected.
Between vacations, family reunions, holidays and more family get together and a temporary job assignment, I've been busy. I'm happy to be home, to get to sleep in my bed and attend to some long put off stuff.
My next immediate need is a new job, a new career. Working on the resume yesterday and today, I realized that to obtain the next step in my career only required rewording the job titles I have carried this far. Not a lie, mind you, it was total truth, it just sometimes depends how you speak things.
So I'm speaking things now. I guess that's what I decided today. And after I realized what the change in wording did to my resume, I looked to see whereever else I could apply that in my life.

I dont know exactly the words and I certainly dont want to speak the wrong ones so I think I'll ponder on the right placement of words before I start walking around chanting.