My Journey of Walking By Faith, Even When I Cannot See

Out of the Mouth of Babes

2015-09-09T11:35:00.000-05:00

Last night I made fish sticks for dinner, it was quick and I was in a hurry trying to get everything done before bedtime. My little one advised me that she didn't like fish sticks. She said she would just eat her tater tots and her veggies. I told her that these were the good kind and she would like these. The only meat that she is eats is fish sticks, she used to like hotdogs too, but the past year she gave those up (yes both are strange choices).

I told her it was just fish sticks, she asked what was in them, I told her fish. She again said she didn't want any. This time I asked her why, and that is when she declared "I don't think God wants us to eat animals." She said it with conviction and who was I to tell her otherwise. This was something on her heart and she was not backing down.

My husband and I smiled at each other, a proud moment when our seven year old made a bold choice of her own accord. So I guess she is now a vegetarian, which I always considered her one with the exception that she occasionally would eat a hot dog or a fish stick. This is great because I mostly cook vegetarian meals. She still is a picky eater, but now with her declaration, I told her she would have to eat more veggies and other stuff.

How long with this last? Only time will tell. But I will be oh so proud if it lasts forever.

I love to see such conviction in our youth. It shows that they are paying attention. And I am one proud mama with a little girl whose big faith, has opened my eyes to see.

Matthew 21:16(NKJV)

16 and said to Him, “Do You hear what these are saying?”

And Jesus said to them, “Yes. Have you never read,

‘Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants
You have perfected praise’?”[a]

Like Ships In The Night

2015-08-25T10:46:00.002-05:00

"Like ships in the night, you keep passing me by, we're just wasting time, trying to prove who's right, and if it all goes crashing into the sea, if it's just you and me, trying to find a light, like ships in the night"- Mat Kearny -Ships In the Night

This is a very hard subject to to write about. This is probably one of the most difficult post I've written, because it is so personal, because it exposes my private life and shows my vulnerability. But I can only hope that through sharing my experience, maybe it can be a beacon of hope for other couples who find themselves in this situation. With the permission of my wonderful husband, I can now share with you one of the most trying times in my life.

Three years ago, I thought my marriage was over. It's the part of marriage that nobody talks about. When you get married you think its all sunshine and roses. Then things fall apart and you think your only way is out and not through.

We had a lot of bumpy times in our marriage, but nothing like this. It started a few years before I got to the point of completely wanting to get out. My husband's dad had passed away that summer and we had a toddler and a 6 year old, we were struggling financially and spiritually. That's when things started on a path going down.

Looking back I was so selfish, at the time I thought my husband was and was blaming it all on him. But the truth was I was just as much to blame, if not more. There were no specific instances that made us come to this, because I made every situation a part of this. I was miserable, I think we both were. We couldn't stand the site of each other. It seemed all we could do was roll our eyes at each other and leave the room. I dreaded the moment he walked in the door. I couldn't stand his presence and I wanted out. We fought over everything and nothing at all.

We were both "Christians" and were both heavily involved in our church. I thought we had a Christ centered marriage, but through the ins and outs of daily life we somehow got off track. We lost our Center, we lost our focus. What would people think? We were supposed to be an example, we were supposed to have it all together. Would people choose him over me? I would lose friends, I would lose family over this. I would ruin my children's lives.

For years, I prayed every night that God would fix my marriage and for years nothing happened, in fact things got worse. So I convinced myself that maybe we just weren't meant to be together. I started making plans, and these plans didn't include my husband. I told myself I just didn't love him anymore, and wondered if I every really did. I dreamed of a better life, and told myself that God had someone else for me in mind.

The devil can convince you of anything if you don't guard your heart. The moment I decided to take matters in my own hands, I had done just that.

I didn't realize that by giving up on my marriage, I was also giving up on my God. I was allowing myself to be deceived, I was going in the wrong direction. I only stuck around for my kids, the thought of tearing their world upside down haunted me, but I didn't see any other way.

Then I had what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown. I guess it was the stress of my dad's illness, my job amongst other things, and now my failing marriage that sent me on a mental downward spiral. I didn't know how to function and it literally took all I had to make it through the day. I had panic attacks and overwhelming anxiety. I just couldn't snap out of it. I prayed constantly, I begged, I pleaded for God to help me.

One day in the middle of an argument, probably about nothing, there was something. I think it was the first time that we actually looked at each other in a long time. I think my husband saw in my eyes that I was falling apart and it was the first time in a long time that he backed down.

This moment gave me a spark of hope and with it I decided that I was not leaving this marriage without a fight. Before I think I was just pretending that I was trying to make it work, I wasn't really investing anything into it. But at that moment, I decided to give it my all, that way if it still failed, I knew that I fought my hardest.

Over the next two years I fought, I stuck it out, I gave as much as I could give. And so did my husband. We were kinder to each other, did little things to help each other out. We began to appreciate each other again. We started dating (each other of course). But most of all, I fell more deeply in love with him then I had ever been throughout our entire relationship. At last, God had answered my prayers.

I got and still do get excited when he gets home. We love talking to each other about different things. We spend more time together. We call each other for no reason as all. Like the Mat Kearny song says "and I gonna find my way, back to your side", and we did. Because now we keep Christ as our center and we do it together.

Today, I love my husband more than ever, and every day I love him more and more. He is my best friend, he knows me better than anyone and I strive to be a better wife, just as he strives to be a better husband. Yes, we still argue, a lot, but it is different now. We are in this together, we fought our way back together and with God as our center we will make it through.

This was one of the lowest moments in my life and the hardest to see, because I never realized that by walking by faith, that God was actually walking right beside me.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8(NKJV)

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never fails.

The Faith of a Child

2015-08-11T13:22:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows my now 12 year old son, knows that he isn't the most optimistic person. In fact he usually is pretty negative about most things and complains a lot. Typical soon to be teenager. But he said something to me the other day that not only changed my mind on how he thinks about things, it also strengthen my faith.

A few weeks ago, my son was riding with me to lunch when we were rear ended at a stop sign. It was an extremely minor accident. We were at a stop and the other driver was watching the traffic and thought I had already pull onto the main road when he proceeded forward. There was minimal damage, just a plastic bumper moved out of place (my husband bumped it back with no problem), and maybe a scratch. There was no hard jolt and no injuries. Once I was sure that my son and I were alright, I spoke to the other driver and agreed that filing an accident report would be too time consuming. I got all of his information just in case and we left. He and his wife were extremely nice and he seemed a bit embarrassed by the whole thing, taking full responsiblity.

As we proceeded to our destination my son said to me, "Mom, maybe that happened because God saw something worse up ahead and needed us to wait". I was taken back with his statement, he doesn't usually see the bright side of things. This was a moment, a moment when I realized that he was paying attention, a moment that I realized just how strong the faith of a child can be.

Jesus said that in order to enter the Kingdom of Heaven we need to become like little children. We need to have their faith. We need to have that total dependence on God and His will. We need to know that God is with us and will protect us always.

This moment made me proud, it made me feel that with all that I do wrong, that I am actually doing something right.

Not only did God use my son to help strengthen my walk in faith, He used my son that through his eyes I could see.

Matthew 18:2-6(NKJV)

2 Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, 3 and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me.

Another Door Opens

2014-10-18T14:09:00.001-05:00

"God is good all the time----All the time God is good".

Author: Unknown

Finding a new school for our kids was a big issue for us this year. We looked at so many schools and programs, and nothing seemed to strike us as the "this one's it". We researched, went on interviews, made numerous phone calls. All of our options sounded good, they just didn't feel right. I knew God would provide, I just got impatient not knowing.

We went on an interview at this one school, everything seemed great, they said everything we wanted to hear. Everything looked perfect, but there was just that feeling in my gut that my kids are just not supposed to be here. My husband felt the same as me. It was hard for me because this certain place just seemed like the best choice out of all of our options. It had a good location, it was well established, nice teachers. But I just couldn't shake the feeling, as if Someone else was leading me in a different direction. But what direction?? This was the only option that made sense, how could it be wrong?

We even paid the registration fees for the kids, even with doubt in our mind. We didn't see any other option.

The day after we paid the registration fee, our pastors wife spoke to my husband and said that she would be interested in and willing to start a little homeschool program in our church. It was that moment that I knew why nothing seemed to be the right place. My husband called the other school, told them our situation and they gladly gave us our money back. We were short on time but God worked out all of the details.

My kids started school this year at our church. There are only three kids, but we know that it will stay open as long as God wants it there. The beginning has been challenging and the road a bit bumpy, but we keep pressing on. We are hoping that this is the start of something bigger, because I know that God always provides. And should it only last this year, I know that God just something better in mind.

This journey has been such a walk in faith, because even though I said that I put it in God's hands, I was just too impatient to really see.

Revelation 3:8 (NKJV)

8 “I know your works. See, I have set before you an open door, and no one can shut it;[a] for you have a little strength, have kept My word, and have not denied My name.

A Messy House

2014-05-23T15:34:00.000-05:00

My husband sent me this picture at work. I didn't want to know. Apparently my son was cleaning his room and so his junk ended up in the living room. The house was already a mess so this was something else I didn't want to deal with.

When I got home from work, I was just too tired to even mess with the mess. Clothes and toys everywhere, kitchen was a disaster. I felt defeated and overwhelmed.

As I sat in my chair looking around I realized something that I was just too busy to pay attention to.

I thanked God for my messy house. I am grateful for the piles laundry, dirty dishes and all the toys spread about. So many times I get so frustrated that I can't keep up. But as I look around I just realize how blessed I am. The clothes on our back. The food in fridge and in our bellies. The toys that one day won't be here for me to complain about.

I praise God for my messy house. Because through all chaos I can see the abundance of his blessings.

1 Thessalonians 5:18

King James Version (KJV)

18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

Another Door Closes

2014-05-22T21:00:00.000-05:00

This past Friday my little one graduated kindergarten. Such a bittersweet moment for me. The saddest part is that the school that she has been attending for the past 2 and a half years will be closing.

It was an amazing school that both she and her older brother attended. It was big enough for her but small enough for him. It was five minutes from my house, I dropped them off on my way to work without having to go out of my way. The staff was beyond phenomenal. It was growing and thriving. It was structured. It was perfect.

So when we got the news this past January that it was closing I was dumbfounded.

I thought this was it, that we had found the perfect school for our children. They would have stayed there till college. It was a blessing. I knew with my whole heart that this is where God wanted them to be. I just couldn't understand. I was sad, frustrated and angry. Why were we doing this again? Then I came to the realization that God has never led me astray, so why should I worry.

Accepting this was difficult, but God always has a plan. My children are just not meant to be there anymore. God always takes care of His own, and this circumstance is no exception. I just have to have faith. God will open another door for all of us, just sometimes I get a little impatient.

Although the future is uncertain, I have a sense of peace. Knowing that God has a plan and excited to see what He has in store for us.

This is such a huge walk in faith, cause of right now I just cannot see.

Philippians 4:6-7

New Living Translation (NLT)

6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Convicted

2013-07-30T23:17:00.001-05:00

Disclaimer: The following post is of my own personal conviction. I feel that God convicts us of the things we struggle with the most and for everyone it is different. This post in no way judges anyone who chooses to drink. This was my battle and mine alone.

I stopped drinking almost 9 years ago. I never considered myself an alcoholic but I was a social drinker and back then I was very social. Mostly on weekends I would drink and go out. My problem was I would drink and get really drunk and the next day pay the price. But I continued to do it regardless. I didn't see any problem with it and it wasn't anything I was planning on stopping anytime soon.

When my son was really small I used to go out a lot. I was a stay at home mom at the time and in the evenings when my husband would get home, I would go out with my friends. I remember doing it quite frequently sometimes numerous times in one week. This went on for a few months. Looking back I can't believe that I actually did that, I was out of control. But I am not the same person I was back then either.

I had finally gotten to a point where I was slowly making progress with my faith. Feeling that things had to change but not really knowing how to change things. I knew that I needed to change, but I just didn't have the courage to do it.

One night we were at some friends house and my son was with us. I was drinking and having a good time. I remember when I was tending to my son, he was probably a year and a half at the time. I remember looking at him, looking at me and realizing that I never wanted him to see me like that again. I had to stop, I could no longer continue like that. Something that I thought would be so hard to give up was now no longer difficult. It wasn't much longer after that night that I completely quit drinking for good.

God used my son to convict me on something knowing that I could only truly see the damage I was doing to myself by looking through my sons eyes. Watching him looking back at me, in a dizzy drunken haze a moment of clarity, and a burden placed on my heart. I was convicted and there was no turning back now. It was done and I knew what I had to do. I hadn't even fully given my life over to God at that point. I was still straddling the fence. But God knew the person I so longed to be and little by little he was showing me the way.

I didn't like who I was when I was drinking, it wasn't me. I just never thought I could give it up. What would people think about me? Would they think I was being self-righteous? Would they think I was judging them? At first I didn't tell anyone, then after awhile people kind of figured it out. Those who really mattered didn't mind at all. These days it is no problem for me to tell anyone no thank you. I gave that up long ago. Of course sometimes I get silly looks, like whats the problem. But I tend to brush it off and not go into detail. It is just something that is no longer a part of my life and I don't even have any urge to go back.

This was my personal conviction for my own personal battle between who I was and who I wanted to be. This was something I just had to walk by faith, because at that time it was a little too hazy to see.

Psalm 37:4

King James Version (KJV)

⁴Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

A Snoodle's Tale

2013-07-15T17:36:00.003-05:00

With two kids around, I have plenty of Veggie Tales to watch. I absolutely love these little cartoons. My absolute favorite of all the Veggie Tales is "A Snoodles Tale".

To tell you the truth almost every time I watch it, it gives me goose bumps and brings tears to my eyes. It is so sweet and such a reminder of our self worth and just how much we matter. That we were created for a purpose and once we realize that we will soar.

Amazing how a cute little 30 minute cartoon can make such an impact on not just my little ones but me also.

I urge you to check them out sometime, even if you don't have little ones around the house, you might just learn something about yourself.

God The Provider

2013-07-14T18:06:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago we again went to family. This year I was a little leery about going. I really wanted to go, actually I really needed the break from everything that was going on around me. Here lately I haven't been feeling 100%. I think I am just exhausted mentally, physically and spiritually.

For the past few months I have been trying my best to avoid gluten. I am pretty sure that I have a sensitivity to it. The problem is at camp the majority of the meals that they make there contain gluten. Knowing how much I needed this break, I started preparing quick meals to take along. I knew that there was a store not to far away from where we would be staying in case I needed to restock. I just thought it was best to plan ahead.

When we arrived at evening worship I realized that one of my favorite speakers, my brother from another mother was our camp Pastor for the week. One of his topics for the week was God the Provider. I was amazed at how each and every message he spoke was exactly what I needed to hear.

Our first morning at camp, I brought along with me my gluten-free breakfast items to the cafeteria. One meal down and everything went smoothly. I went back to the cabin the get ready for the day of activities. My husband came in a little later, and that is when I realized just what kind of week God had in store for me.

It just so happened that one of the staff at camp also was on a gluten restricted diet. The kitchen would make her a "special" gluten free version of whatever they were making. Now that they knew that I also was on the same diet they would make sure the make enough for me too.

Needless to say, I spent the entire week being spiritually, mentally and physically fed. We only had to go to town once to fill the car up with gas. I was amazed at how God had provided, and I didn't even ask.

Sometimes we make the mistake of minimizing the power of God. God knows what we need before we know what we need. And he always provides even when we don't ask.

I had an amazing week at camp, in fact I didn't want to leave. It was so beautiful, the weather was perfect and the one on one time with my family was priceless. God knew how badly I needed this break and He made sure it was perfect.

I love these moments when I don't even realize that I am walking by faith, because it is these times that I can actually see.

Matthew 6:31-33

King James Version (KJV)

³¹Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
³²(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
³³But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

The Least of These

2013-06-21T00:45:00.002-05:00

I have worked for a few law offices since college. I have always tried to treat everyone that came through the doors with respect and dignity. Sometimes it was not the easiest thing to do.

At this one place in particular we would occasionally have this vagrant come by. It was the same guy every time. I am assuming that he was a vagrant by the way he dressed and that he always brought with him a duffle bag. I had also saw him once at our local soup kitchen getting lunch when I was doing volunteer work. He always had some off the wall random story that never made sense asking for an appointment. I would kindly go along with is story, finally get him to leave and then laugh as he left. Every so often this would happen and he would stop by as if he had never been there before.

But the last time he came in was different. As I realized it was him in the lobby, I started with my oh boy attitude here we go again. I opened the window to "help" him and something came over me. As I looked at this man, I just felt for him. The scripture kept repeating in my head, "What you have done to the least of these, you have done to me." I was set back for a minute, confronted by my own self righteousness. I felt horrible for all the times that I laughed about him and his "crazy talk." Instead I saw someone lost and alone and maybe just wanted someone to hear him. I did go along with his story, I got the impression that he may suffer from some sort of disorder. I offered him something to drink thinking that may have just been walking around looking for a place to go. After informing him that we really couldn't help him as nicely as I could he left.

But this time as he left I didn't want to laugh instead I wanted to cry.

Sometimes even with the best of intentions, we can get so wrapped up in what we think we are that we end up becoming something else. And this is what was happening to me. We become what we speak against and turn into something we never intended to be. Surrounded by circumstance, becoming a product of our environment. Doing what is easy instead of what is right. I am so guilty.

But we are supposed to be bigger than that. For we serve a God much bigger than our circumstance and much stronger than any environment. We cannot make excuses for our behavior and hide behind someone else. We are responsible for our actions, we are responsible for how we treat others.

Self righteousness is a curse and with God's help I hope to one day over come. In hopes that one day I can say that I did do for one the least of these.

Matthew 25:37-40

New International Version (NIV)

³⁷“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
⁴⁰“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

In The Midst of Chaos

2013-06-07T18:16:00.000-05:00

I got up early Monday morning, earlier than normal. I was just getting out of the shower when I heard my husband shouting "her water broke!!" "What?" I replied. That is when my husband explained that my sister-in-law, my baby brothers wife was going into labor, she wasn't due for another few weeks. As panic began to set in, I took a deep breath and began to focus on the task at hand.

I didn't get much sleep the night before. My dad was having surgery that morning, at another hospital. It was a routine out patient surgery, but with my dad's history every surgery with him is serious. He was having a wisdom tooth removed and sinus surgery to clean out an infection that just wouldn't go away. The problem is because of radiation damage, the tooth extraction wouldn't be easy and because of his history with cancer, no sinus surgery is routine. By the time we got news of my sister-in-law my dad was already being wheeled off to surgery.

I called work and told them to just plan on me not coming in that day. I then called my mom to see where I would be needed. My mom hesitantly asked me to relieve her and stay with my dad so that she could be with my brother. My sister-in-law parents live in another state, so they needed my mom there.

I knew this day would not be easy. Before leaving the house, I dropped to my knees to pray. I prayed for my family and that everything would go smoothly and for the strength to get through whatever came our way.

I had just gotten to the hospital when we were told that they doctors were coming to give us an update. After waiting twenty minutes my sister called to see where my mom was, my brother was suiting up. The baby was breach and because her water broke they needed to do an emergency c-section. I told my mom to go and I would give her an update as soon as I spoke to the doctors. She hesitantly and slowly started to leave and then ran to her car. Another 10 minutes which seemed like an eternity waiting and the doctors finally came in.

Everything went well, the tooth extraction went smoothly and even better the sinus surgery showed NO RECURRENCE OF CANCER!! I almost started crying I was so overwhelmed with relief. But my relief was short lived waiting to hear about my brother and his wife. As I got back to the waiting room I got a picture text from my sister showing my mom and brother suited up. She made it in time, another sigh of relief. I immediately called my mom to give her the good news before she went in.

Soon after my sister-in-law gave birth to a healthy baby girl. Both she and baby girl are doing well.

When my dad came out of recovery he was disoriented. When he found out that his granddaughter was born and that he missed it, he was upset. I reassured him that he would see her soon. He wanted to go directly to the hospital, but once he got in the car he realized that he just wouldn't be able to do it. He felt better the next day and got to see his precious granddaughter.

But my brother was supposed to work out of town that day, a few hours away. His wife was feeling good and wasn't due for another few weeks. He didn't realize that my dads surgery was that day, when he found out he made sure he stayed in town to be close just in case. Because of my dads surgery my brother was in town when his wife's water broke and was able to be there for the birth of his first child. Had my dad's surgery not been scheduled on that day my brother would have been hours away and would have missed everything.

In the midst of chaos, when we cannot see clearly, God always has a plan. Sometimes we don't fully understand why we are given such a heavy load, but there is always a reason. God knew that baby girl would be born that day and he knew that my brother needed to be there. God knew that my dads surgery would go well, even through we had our doubts.

Remember GOD IS GOOD, ALWAYS!!!!! Some may call all of this coincidence, but I know better. It is times like these that strengthen my faith, because most of the time I just cannot see.

Proverbs 3:5-6

New International Version (NIV)

⁵Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.^[a]

He Never Said It Would Be Easy

2012-07-12T22:46:00.002-05:00

To say that the past few weeks have been trying would be an understatement. Wondering how I am still standing can only be explained by the power of God.

My grandmother passed away a few weeks ago. She was the last of my grandparents and the one that I was closest to. I remember spending summers there with her. Even funnier remembering her fussing at me for something silly. I can't tell you how much I miss that. She led a full life, an amazing life at that and she passed at the age of 91. I will miss her dearly but will rest in the fact that she had such an amazing life.

About a week after that my mom had to bring my dad to the hospital he was shaking and running fever. She was only back a day after returning from Honduras (that is where she is from) and now exhausted was up for another task. My dad had pnemonia in both lungs. What was even worse was he was unable to swallow because of damage done to his tongue.

A few years ago my dad had a really bad infection in his inner ear due to getting water in his ear (he had holes in his ears from tubes). The doctors refused to diagnose his infection for over six months insisting that his cancer had returned. Finally he found a doctor that would treat the infection with antibiotics but by then the infection had already done its damage. It finished off what the radiation didn't get. Now his swallowing doesn't work properly and food and water get into his lungs which caused the pneumonia.

So now in order for my dad to get nutrition, in order for him to eat and avoid a relapse, they had to put in a feeding tube. If felt like such a moment of defeat, like we had lost. He stayed a week in the hospital and then another week in a rehabilitation facility.

The Monday after he was released, he was back at work, taking it all in stride. What faith and what a will to live. He now carries around a bag with his name on it with his food. While my mother has become a pro at making him meals just for his tube. Bed ridden, as if, this is my dad we are talking about. I really don't know how he does it. As for my mother she has adapted just as well as my dad. "It is what it is," is what I seem to hear a lot.

We were never promised an easy life. In fact this life is hard most of the time. But I feel like if it is this hard then I must be doing something right. This life is simply a test of character and how you handle situations and circumstances will only strengthen who you are and your faith.

God never promised easy, but He did promise that it would be worth it.

James 5:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

Machine Gun Preacher- FINALLY!!!!!!

2012-06-25T23:06:00.001-05:00

I have been waiting for over two years for this movie. I was excited before it even started filming and now finally I got to watch it. Anyone who lives in Louisiana knows that we don't get the good movies down here, well usually not anything in limited release anyway. So Friday while I was shopping I bought the movie as an early birthday present to myself, and over the weekend the hubby and I watched it.

Machine Gun Preacher is based on the life of Sam Childers. If you don't know who Sam Childers is, then you have probably not been reading my blog. So for those of you who are new, I will give you a little background. Childers was one a self destructive drug addict, he found God or should I say God found him and helped him find his purpose. His purpose fighting the LRA in Sudan and rescuing children. God definitely knew the man for this job. He is also a pastor at The Shekinah Fellowship in Central City, PA.

With a star studded cast this movie was amazing. Gerard Butler and Michelle Monaghan were amazing. I cried and cried and cried some more. There are some scenes that are hard to watch, so prepare yourself. But I always believe that sometimes it has to have violence to get the point across, and this movie was no exception. I won't tell you anymore but I will tell you that I loved it and it was worth the wait.

If you are a new christian, if you are a seasoned christian, watch this movie. If you are struggling with you faith, struggling with your purpose, watch this movie. Everyone else, watch this movie.

Thank you Pastor Childers, it is people like you who restore my faith in humanity and strengthen my faith in God.

For more information on the real machine gun preacher click the link to his website: http://www.machinegunpreacher.org

You can also follow the real machine gun preacher on facebook and twitter:
https://www.facebook.com/mgpsamchilders
http://twitter.com/#!/machgunpreacher

After you read this post and visit the websites, go out and get this movie and then watch it, you won't regret it.

Does God Have A Limit?

2012-01-09T20:48:00.004-06:00

The other day at church I had gotten into a discussion about forgiveness and whether or not God has a limit to just how much He can forgive. Of course, my opinion seemed to be a little different from some of the people in the group.

I have done a lot in my lifetime. A lot of things that I am not proud of. But through it all I have found comfort in the fact that I have been forgiven. Even when I seemed to do the same thing over and over. God's compassion and mercy could see through my sins and get to the root of my problem. And through my faith my trespasses were wiped clean.

As humans we cannot comprehend Divine forgiveness. Man may have a limit but God, He does not. I don't believe that God has a limit and if He does, then is way more then I could ever imagine. In our humanly imperfect view of things, we forget the magnitude of who God is and His ability to do the impossible. We see things on a human level not a Divine level. We are impatient beings, full of judgment and self righteousness. But God is slow to anger and full of compassion. His ways are not our ways.

Jesus' plea on that cross "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34) wasn't just for those at that time. That plea was for every sinner that ever walked the face of this earth, past present and future. With that plea Jesus interceded for the sins of all mankind. In the moment He rose from death all sinners were covered by grace through faith. Through a faith that I am not my sin even though I am a sinner. Through a faith that God sees my heart and can see through my sin. That He can forgive me over and over a thousands times a thousand. That if I ask Him, He will toss my sins into the sea, never to remember them again.

So, Does God have a limit? If He does then there is not hope for me, because I am but a sinner. My faith lies in a Divine forgiveness that my human form just cannot see.

Isaiah 43:25(NIV)²⁵ “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.

John 3:17 (NKJV)¹⁷ For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved

Self- Righteous

2011-11-06T21:58:00.001-06:00

I cannot stand when people act self righteous, as if they are better then one and feel it necessary to point out every ones faults. The other day I heard something so self righteous that I just couldn't believe it was said.

I have always thought of myself as a very non judgmental person. I always try to see the good in people and hate when people put others down. So you can understand how I felt when I heard such a self righteous remark.

I didn't agree with something that someone did, choices they had made and so on. In order to explain my position on the matter I decided to share my view on the situation. As if to defend my stance. As the words were coming out of my mouth, it was like I could hear God saying, "O boy, here we go," even before I finished. I knew as the words were coming out that it must have sounded horrible. I sounded so self righteous. So judgemental, so cruel. But me, not me, I am not like that. Or am I?

It was embarrassing to say the least, but a revelation. That even I could be self righteous. I know I am a work in progress. I just wish God would have stopped me before I sounded like such a fool. But maybe the only way I could understand my actions what to actually hear it out loud. We all have moments where we lose sight of who we are. We seem to dwell on other peoples wrong doings in an attempt to cover our own, and by doing so we become what we dread the most.

But there is always hope and yet another lesson learned on our walk by faith.

Matthew 7:3-5

New International Version (NIV)

³ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Less Than 5%

2011-10-24T21:18:00.000-05:00

I haven't been writing much lately. Guess I really haven't been feeling that inspired. And of course, just when I am feeling hopeless God reminds me of just who He is.

I overheard my dad talking to someone at church this past weekend. Me being the nosey person that I am went over to join in on the conversation. My dad was talking about his cancer and sharing all the things he had learned.

After the other person left my dad and I kept talking about his treatments and so on. Then he told me something that he had never told me before. I always thought that I had all of facts and the information but there was somethings that my dad left out.

You see the first time he was diagnosed with cancer his success rate of beating the disease was 80-90%. I will take those odds any day. The second time his success rate was lowered drastically. This time the cancer had spread to his neck. His success rate was now 10%. I never knew that, I only told myself that we had beat it once we can do it again, and he did. He beat it a second time.

Then it came back a third time and when the odds were stacked against him and his success rate was now less than 5%, he opted for no treatment at all. I never realized why he didn't do the treatment this time. Defeated and short on time he decided to go home that summer (he is from Honduras) for what he thought would probably be the last time. It was there that his brother introduced him to alternative methods and therapies. He thought why not, he had nothing to lose. That was five years ago.

His doctors told him, he should not have lived this long. He defied their odds without their treatment and that has them completely confused. They cannot understand why he is till here.

And though I am sure that the alternative methods did play their part, I know that God is the real reason he is still here. He is not finished with him yet. Man could only give my dad less than 5%, but God, He can make the impossible possible.

It is almost like I can hear God saying to me, "DO YOU NOT KNOW, I AM GOD! It doesn't matter what man tells you I am greater then he." He always gives exactly what I need at exactly the right time. He reminds me of who He is and the magnitude of His power.

So when the odds are stacked against you, just remember my dad and his less than 5%.

Matthew 19:26 (NIV) ²⁶ Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

When Darkness Seemed To Win

2011-09-23T22:33:00.001-05:00

I witnessed something the other day, something somewhat difficult to explain. It was like watching a Saint's game and they are losing and at the very last moment, the very last second something spectacular happens and they actually win. But this wasn't a sports game, it wasn't a game at all. This matter affected peoples lives, their livelihood. This matter had already hurt and destroyed so many. And yet again here is what, seeming to be thriving.

I found myself in court the other day. Not for myself, but for support for someone that I care for dearly. (I won't share the details to protect those involved.) It was an unusual case to say the least. Their reasons for being there were not for the best interest of any anything but for the person that brought them there. For reasons of spite and control. For reasons to destroy and conquer. As laughs, malicious grins and vindictive motives spued. I couldn't help but hang my head. To believe that people could be so cruel and be proud of it.

I had prayed about this for days, that God's will be done. And then the worst cast scenario came true. As the news was delivered I once again hung my head. But this time to pray. I couldn't accept that this was their fate. I wasn't willing to watch this maliciousness profit without a fight. I had to ask God if this was the way it was going to be. If it was I was willing to accept it, but I just had to ask.

Awhile had passed and just when darkness seemed to win, the most unexpected happened. I couldn't believe my ears, I thought I was dreaming. This person who did these things out of spite and selfishness was stripped of all of their control and no longer had a leg to stand on. No longer able to control and toy around with peoples lives. Although there was no victory, there was a great relief. And despite the outcome, nobody won.

But this much is true, never underestimate God's ability to turn things around. Never underestimate that fact that He can make things new. He create light in what seems to be the most dim situation. He is bigger then any of our problems and with Him all things are possible. We just have to ask Him to take control.

It truly breaks my heart to see things like this take place. When selfishness and spite take control of peoples lives and they make it their mission to destroy those around them. I pray for them, mostly because I was once like them. And I know that God that changed me also has the power to change them.

Psalm 27:1 (KJV) 1The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Hebrews 4:12-13(NIV) ¹² For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. ¹³ Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

A God Who Has All Things

2011-09-06T22:52:00.001-05:00

I had heard the song a thousand times. I even knew the words by heart. But in a moment, hearing a song I had heard so many times before, one line got to me, like I had never heard it before.

I was on my way to pick up my oldest from school the other day. Thinking about everything going on. Questioning why God would want anything to do with me. "I Need You To Love Me" by Barlow Girl was playing on the radio. I was singing along and the line said "Cause You're a God who has all things, and still You want me." I have heard this song a thousand and never realized that line.

It gave me goose bumps, it really made me think. It was so true. It brought tears to my eyes. Here He is a God who has all things, anything, everything. A God who is lacking nothing and can make anything out of nothing. A God who lives in Heaven, in perfectness. And still He wants me. Why?? He could have done away with me and this old world a long time ago. But He didn't. His love is unfathomable, His love is unimaginable. For a God who has everything He could possibly want, He still wants me. What kind of love is this??

1 John 4:9-10 (NIV)⁹ This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰ This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Return to Sanity

2011-07-27T20:24:00.001-05:00

I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately. It isn't even one thing in particular. Just a whole lot of things that I seem to have no control over. It's more like a panic disorder. For the past month, out of the blue the will come. They are overwhelming and unpredictable and seem to come on for no reason at all. Things start closing in and I feel like I am losing my mind. Trying hard for people not to notice, I will get up to walk around or leave the room. Its that horrible feeling that things aren't going to be ok. What scares me the most is what if it doesn't go away, what if I stay like this forever. I don't want to go crazy. I want it to stop.

I have been trying different things in an attempt to get my sanity back. Exercise didn't seem to do to much. I know this may sound crazy but I started doing these infrared sauna sessions. They are supposed to help detox the body and I fell amazing after a session. (I will post about it on my health nut junkie blog).

This weeks session helped me more then I could ever imagine. For one I am claustrophobic. So my idea of fun is not sitting in a box for half an hour. Luckily there is a glass door. So to keep myself from panicking I will do some meditation but mainly just talking to God. For that entire time He has my undivided attention. I went through all of the things that I had been dealing with one by one. Realizing that there was a resolution to my problems. Finally my moment of clarity. My moment when my worries seemed to melt away. I could have stayed in that box for hours. My revelation, my return to sanity.

Needless to say I haven't had a panic attack since and I would usually get quite a few a day. I feel sane again

God has a way of pulling us back when we reach the edge. He gets us at our weakest, because only then are we able to listen. I wasn't willing to let go of things which was the root of my problem. But I am working on it. Sometimes we have to get everything out in the open in order to find a resolution and I finally did that with God. I am a work in progress and still have little fall backs. But I am only human and I just make sure that I tell God not to let me go no matter what.

So why do I share such a personal and private part of my life with the world? Because God loves me and He loves you. When I am at my worst He is there, so don't ever think that He wouldn't do the same for you.

Isaiah 43:1-4(NIV) 1 But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 3 For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush[a] and Seba in your stead. 4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life.

Confusion

2011-07-21T21:29:00.005-05:00

I've been quite confused about a lot of things lately. It is almost surreal, like an out of body experience. Not sure if I am coming or going. Almost as if I am just in limbo. I hate this feeling. Aren't we supposed to progress in life, not just stay in the same place for a long time? But maybe I am judging my progress by my own standards. Maybe there are lessons that I need to learn before I can move forward. Maybe my stubbornness is holding me back, and I am just too stubborn to see it.

I am a very strong willed person. I was born that way. Even through being strong willed I believe is a good trait, it is also lead to ones own destruction. Not being able to let go and let Someone else take the wheel. Wanting to do things my way and getting confused when there is no progress. Wondering what am I doing wrong?

The problem is I think that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. Thinking now that I've got it all wrong. Maybe I am doing all the right things but just for the wrong reasons. That just makes it all pointless.

God wants me to trust Him. He wants me to feel secure in knowing that He is in charge of my future. He doesn't want me to be confused. He wants me to succeed. I just have to let Him lead.

Philippians 4:8-9

New International Version (NIV)
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

One Mistake Away

2011-07-18T19:28:00.003-05:00

Have you felt like God must really be at the end of His rope with me? Like if you keep messing up, eventually He will wipe His hands of you. Like you are just one mistake away from being eternally alone. Like you don't deserve His forgiveness.

The truth is we don't. We don't deserve Him. We don't deserve His forgiveness over and over and over again for things that we know are wrong and still do. We don't deserve for Him to still be there when we didn't listen and went the other way. When we abandon Him, we don't deserve to come back. We don't deserve to be greeted with open arms. But that's just it, we don't deserve Him, but He is there anyway.

I keep wondering why God is still around. I don't deserve Him, yet there He is. A love that I cannot fathom, a love that I cannot understand. He sees me, not what I have done. He sees the real me. The one that struggles to take a breath. The part of me that no one sees. The one who tries to do the right thing and yet it backfires. The one whose words get misunderstood. He knows what is in my heart. He knows how much I love Him.

He overlooks my mistakes, and see straight through to my heart. I will never be one mistake away from Him leaving me. He loves me that much. "From one scared hand to the other."

Romans 6:23
New International Version (NIV)

²³ For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in^[a] Christ Jesus our Lord.

John 3:16

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Only Looking to You

2011-07-12T15:35:00.001-05:00

Last week the family and I went to Arkansas to a family camp. My only drawback, no Internet. No cell phone service either, really out of my comfort zone, being cut off from the world. I literally had to walk out to the edge of a pier to get a signal on my phone. I will admit by the middle of the week, I didn't care too much about it.

It's been a long time since we spent family time like that. We did a lot, horseback riding, rockwall climbing, ziplining, swimming, tubing, canoeing, kayaking. Best of all worship. My little one loves to sing worship songs, and the best part about camp is that they have the motions to go with the songs. Every morning and evening they had worship. It reminded me when I was little. Our weekly theme song was the best, written by one of the staff.

It is amazing what God can do when we give Him our undivided attention. It was truly an experience to remember, to be cut off from the world and have our family time with God. By the end of the week, I didn't want to leave. There was just a peacefulness about this place, God's presence in the middle of nowhere.

A few lyrics from our theme song, not sure of the title-

"I'm only looking to You, You changed me and turned me around, cause You're the only place the lost get found"

Casting Burdens

2011-07-11T18:19:00.001-05:00

My oldest has been dealing with anxiety lately. Like mother like son. He seems to be really fearful of things that he just shouldn't even be worrying about. He worries about the weather, whether a movie will give him bad dreams, and so many other crazy things. He will have a little anxiety attack and tell me his chest hurts and when he breathes it feels like he is not breathing. I know all to well how that feels. All I want to do is take it away. I even pray that God will give me my sons anxiety so that he doesn't have to deal with it, he is just too little to have these kind of problems. It breaks my heart to see him go through this. I wish he could cast his burdens on me to carry for him.

Just like how I wish I could carry my sons burdens, Jesus wants to carry ours, all of ours. The only difference is that He actually has the power to do it. If we let Him, if we ask, He will take our burdens and carry them for us. He hates to see us torture ourselves with worry and anxiety. It breaks His heart to see us suffer. All He wants is for us to ask Him for help. He can't take them if we don't let Him. But all we have to do is ask.

It's been a real challenge dealing with an eight year old with anxiety. Even harder that I deal with it so often myself. I learned that there are a lot of kids out there with the same problems. But if we teach them young where to turn in their time of despair maybe it will better prepare them for when they are older. So they don't turn out like me. I tell my son that when he feels them coming on, to pray, to take deep breaths and eventually they will subside. I must say the past week I haven't heard him talk about them as much.

But the best way it to lead by example, so God, take my burdens, I can no longer carry them they are way to heavy and please take my sons too.

Psalm 55:22(NIV) 22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

The Lost Sheep

2011-06-19T22:35:00.003-05:00

No one is expendable to God. Not one is worth losing. You are not lost in a sea of faces, for He knows you and He sees you, where you stand and where you fall. He wants each and everyone of us and to prove it He sacrificed the most important thing to Him, His only begotten Son.

Don't for even one second think that you do not matter. Don't think that for one second that if you lose your way that He will not move heaven and earth to find you and bring you back to his flock. He sees you through a universe, through galaxies, He can see you.

When is seems like one has lost their way, what do you do? Do you pretend like then never existed? Talk bad about them, about how they walked away? Or do you do whatever it takes to bring them home.

Sometimes we get caught up in our cliques, we don't even notice when some have disappeared. We make excuses, and we cast blame.

But God doesn't do that. No matter what the reason for their leaving may be, God will seek us out. He can't stand the thought of losing one of us. He will carry us on His shoulders home.

As the parable of the lost sheep explains. He will leave the rest to find the one who is lost and so should we. We can't leave one stone unturned. Want to show them a reflection of God, don't let them leave without fighting for them to stay. And if they leave go out and find them.

Luke 15:3-7

New International Version (NIV)

³ Then Jesus told them this parable: ⁴ “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? ⁵ And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders ⁶ and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ ⁷ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

1 Year Bloggaversary

2011-06-03T18:24:00.002-05:00

I have been so crazy busy lately that I didn't even realize that on May 14, 2011 was my bloggaversary. I want to thank all of my readers and followers who gave me the support and inspiration to continue writing. Your comments mean the world to me. And the wonderful supportive friends that I have made since entering the blogger world. Thanks to everyone for all of your support!!!!! I promise to write more, as soon as I get out of this rut. But for now, thanks again!!! 1 year!!!!

My Journey of Walking By Faith, Even When I Cannot See

Out of the Mouth of Babes

Like Ships In The Night

The Faith of a Child

Another Door Opens

"God is good all the time----All the time God is good".

A Messy House

Another Door Closes

Convicted

A Snoodle's Tale

God The Provider

The Least of These

In The Midst of Chaos

He Never Said It Would Be Easy

Machine Gun Preacher- FINALLY!!!!!!

Does God Have A Limit?

John 3:17 (NKJV)17 For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved

John 3:17 (NKJV)17 For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved

Self- Righteous

Less Than 5%

I haven't been writing much lately. Guess I really haven't been feeling that inspired. And of course, just when I am feeling hopeless God reminds me of just who He is.

Matthew 19:26 (NIV) 26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

When Darkness Seemed To Win

A God Who Has All Things

Return to Sanity

Confusion

One Mistake Away

Only Looking to You

Casting Burdens

The Lost Sheep

1 Year Bloggaversary

John 3:17 (NKJV)¹⁷ For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved

John 3:17 (NKJV)¹⁷ For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved

Matthew 19:26 (NIV) ²⁶ Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”