Walking the Borderline

My Own Red Dress: The Reveal

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 01:25:00 +0000

The amount of guts it takes to step out of the house and into work in a bright red dress, is directly proportionate to the compliments you will get.

My Own Red Dress

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 19:40:00 +0000

The Bloggess has a traveling red dress. Actually, I think she is up to 6. It is worn by women who want to feel empowered. It represents that thing women think they don't deserve, but that they really really do. The dresses are meant to be strapless ball gowns. But I decided that while I deserved that ball gown, I want something I could wear to work. Can't so much get away with a strapless ball gown at work, no matter how empowering. But then, I don't need it to be strapless and a ball gown for it to make me feel empowered. I just need it to be mine, and something I can wear whenever I need it. So I bought something bright freaking red, beautiful, and work appropriate. And I am going to wear the shit out of it!

(Photos coming soon! I promise!)

This 'N' That

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 09:43:00 +0000

Alright, so I am way over due to write something, so I am going to touch base with a general check-in.

My blood pressure meds are working well, as long as I don't miss a dose. But I keep some in my purse so I hopefully won't miss any. In the event of a break through headache, it is mild and easily stopped by various pain meds.

Mental health wise I'm still doing pretty good. I'm finding myself grumpy with my family, but that's mostly the boys fighting and such, and then Pat's reaction to all that. That isn't mental health though. That is a rightful reaction to the bullshit going on around me.

Work is still phenomenal. I really love every aspect of it. The people, what I'm doing, where I'm at.

I have found the best way to turn your husband green is to mention you are "late" a couple months after your tubal. It doesn't matter that it's part of the conversation that you've become very irregular since. Yes, I did start, I was just 1 day later than the site guessed and that was a guess based on a 25-28 day cycle range.

Band Back Together is nominated for 3 bloggies. You should probably vote for us.

Cat who moved in has moved out. We were hoping to get him fixed before he started spraying. We had the appointment scheduled even, for this coming Monday. But we didn't get it in time. The breaking point was when he sprayed the rat, cage and all. Poor Lucky is not very happy with any of us. Anyway, Theo started a stray, his family is still out there. Bye.

The, uh, voices from the previous post was some technical thing involving my brain trying to fill in gaps from 1 ear being covered and listening to music, the other not. Which is reassuring. Because you never know.

We are in process of getting Thomas diagnosed with ADHD. It's a lengthy process. Luke is SO next. This is vital to him living to see 5. So very vital.

We got our tax return. Then we bought a car. Car payment and all. I love the car. I don't love the idea of payments. But we can afford it. Mostly. We are removing some of our cable channels to take the edge off. And the car insurance increase was less than expected. We'll only be making payments for a year, then we'll pay it the rest of the way off with the next tax return. Don't mind the green tinge to my skin.

Sammy is beyond anything I could have ever hoped for. She is the most laid back baby I've ever met. She is sweet, goofy, cuddly, happy, healthy, beautiful. There is no one who doesn't adore her.

Alright, that's the general update. I'll be around.

Need the Sounds Of Sanity

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 02:51:00 +0000

I'm sitting here, the only one awake in the house. Earbuds plugged into my left year, right free so I can listen for kid. I keep hearing voices in my right ear. Voices that in no way sync up to the music in my left. I take the sole earbud out, silence. I listen for awhile. Silence. I shrug, put the ear bud back, the voices come back. The primary one being what I can only describe as a man cackling. Not something heard in this neighborhood. The rest is just non-descriptive babble.

And I know it's nothing. But...

I can't help but know Schizophrenia runs in the family (Hi Daddy!) I can't help but know that with me being Schizotypal I have a 10-20% chance of becoming Schizophrenic.

But I'm just freaking out, right?

Life Got Busy

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 20:33:00 +0000

Or rather, I've been doing stuffs for the band. Yep, the "other blog". I know. I know. But. You'll always be my first love.

Nah. It isn't like that. I'm just stable. And there isn't a lot of drama going down. Just basic day to day life. And they really need me so I've felt safe stepping back from my writing a bit and focusing on what they need.

Lack of drama never lasts long. Stuff is brewing. Not bad stuff. In fact, should be good stuff. Like, we have to move this year. And unless that goes to hell-in-a-handbasket, it will involve renting an actual house! I know, right! I'm sure that will make for kick-ass blog content!

Meanwhile, I'll try to touch base here at least one a week when, you know, there is something to say other than "hi! I'm here".

Until then, go peek around the Band. And? Circle it on G+. Dawnie and I are running that now. With minimal supervision, even. And we have big plans in store! Some of which start next week. So, you know, circle us? Maybe? Because right now we are trying to test the waters, see who is there, what they like, and when they are active. And well, G+ is hard. No one sees it's true worth. They expect instant, but ti's not. But, that's kind of a good thing. Conversations can last longer, not get buried, and have meaning. It's the "this is no longer high school" of social media.

Headache Follow Up

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 18:34:00 +0000

Alright, I dropped the ball on this for a bit there due to being OMG busy, but I picked it back up today. I saw my primary care to discuss options.

I flat out told him that while they are tension headaches, pain meds aren't consistently doing enough for me to rely on them, and I'm sick of taking as many as I have to take to get even a little relief. I have a 9+ year history of these headaches that aren't budgets or affected by: diet changed, sleep pattern changes, caffeine intake changes, or exercise/activity changes. I'm sick of treating them as they happen, I want to look into preventing them.

He agreed I seem to be doing all I can to prevent triggers, considering the full 9 year history of them. So meds where the next step. The options were mental health meds or blood pressure meds. I told him with my mental health issues, and the fact med changes there have never affected my headaches, I wanted to stay away from those and leave that to my meds doc. But that I walked in there knowing I'd probably be put on a BP med and I was prepared and ok with that.

So, that is what we are doing. I will be on a lower dose and we'll see how it goes. I go back in early April. So cross fingers it's to report good news.

Bottom line? These headaches are debilitating. It is hard to function as a mother/teller/person when it feels like the jaws of death are squeezing the back of your skull 24/7.

One Year Ends and Another Begins

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:49:00 +0000

4. Today, my youngest son, you turn 4. I am not even sure what to say about that. It feels like you have been 3 for a century now. Most parents see the years flying by, and that has always been true. Except this year. This year has lasted a lifetime. And now that we are at the end of it, I am so ready for it to be over.

The thing of it is, you are the full embodiment of 3 and redhead, in one small, temperamental package. You can out curse a sailor, know no boundaries or limits set for you, and can explode better than any volcano.

But then I turn on classical music and your interpretive dance is unlike any other. You know no shame or humiliation, and that is how dance should be. You hug with the fierceness of the passion your personality is known for. You love your little sister in a way that could inspire Aphrodite. If anyone could love that baby to death, it would be you.

You are an inspiration of a big brother, which is the exact opposite of your goals as a little brother. We need to work on that. Though you are not alone in your faults there.

This year has been the year of the monster. I want so desperately to be angry at your inability to consistently sleep in your own bed. But the fear in your eyes is true and pathetic. And my will is not strong. I am you momma and as such it is my job to protect you, even if your own imagination is what you need protecting from.

This year will also be known as the year of the dog. You fell in love with Max, got bitten by Max, and then had your heart broken more than anyone when Max could no longer live with us. You’ve met a “pickle” dog and I will terminate anyone who corrects you in what type of dog that actually is.

For as big as you may be in size and wisdom, every so often your little, little boy shows through and when he does, I embrace him with all my being. For you are my 4 year old and I love you with all that I am.

Here is to hoping the terror that is 3 is over and a step towards self control is taken. But while I may wish away the passion to your temper, I hope the passion of your love never leaves you. For that love, is what makes you my Lucas, and my Lucas is the fire in my heart.

Dose of Happy? Try DAY of Happy!

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 21:50:00 +0000

Today's plans?
Well, Kate was coming over at some point, Pat was taking Thomas to an orthodontist consultation, and I was going on day 2 of no pants. Good plans.

Today's reality?
About 9AM Pat came down to wake me with the news that one of the best zoos in the country, which is about 30 minutes from us, had free admission all day due to the holiday. How did I feel about canceling plans and finally seeing the polar bears? (See number 12 here.)

I bundled us all up warm, packed a bag of sandwiches, drinks and snacks, grabbed the diaper bag, and there we were by 10:30! The parking lot was a sure sign of what we were up against crowd wise. It was dead. Well, compared to usual anyways.

We weren't expecting to see a whole lot. It's cold out there, and most the animals would be in for the winter. But our main goal? Yeah like the polar bears would mind the cold. There were quite a few other sites to see as well. Some braving the cold, some indoors.

We saw:

Polar bear twin sisters, cuddled up taking an afternoon nap. We share a birthday, btw. Only I'm a few decades, and a half, older.
Arctic foxes, that Pat would not let us take home. They had doggy chew toys with them. I took great glee in this.
Penguins guarding their nests of eggs. It's mating season!
Yellow river turtles mating
An alligator snapping turtle!
A 3 year old elephant
Baby manatees
A sting ray that had a thing for my 3-year-old
A Mexican wolf that had a thing for my 3-year-old
Wolverines for the first time in all my visits cuz they are always hiding from the heat
Otters cuddled up in their den snoozing
Brown Bears in their den that Luke wanted to pet
A Bald Eagle who let loose his call while we were at his enclosure

In other news, my husband has told me when The Bloggess's book is released in April, mine is pre-ordered, he is willing to take me up to a few hundred miles for a book signing. Which I'm sure will take place in a bathroom somewhere. Probably a haunted hotel or bar. The bar doesn't need to be haunted I'm sure, as long as there is booze.

Later in the day, I informed my husband I wanted to take the kids to SeaWorld this summer or next. He informed me the one in Ohio is closed and they are only in Florida, California, and Texas. I told him I had Band friends in Florida, but The Bloggess is in Texas... He told me that Texas was more than a few hundred miles.

Seems I'm going to have to work on this a bit.

So, do you have a Dose of Happy to beat the Mondays over the head with?

This Might Be Unpopular

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 20:42:00 +0000

We all dislike the ads on Facebook and other social media sources.

But should a false rumour spread that Facebook is going to start charging? We become outraged!

Guess what, peeps, we can't have both. These social media sites have bills to pay, servers to maintain, tech support, brains, etc to payroll. That shit is expensive!

I work for a non-profit and we struggle like hell to pay the bills. And that's without even having payroll to consider. Sites are expensive yo! Especially ones as massive as ours!

What is my solution?

1. Give people an option of paying x per month and their version of the site is ad free. You don't pay, you have ads. Seems fair. Either way, the electric stays on at Twitter headquarters.

2. Everyone one pays x a month for access to all social media. That money gets split between what's out there. This seems dumb, maybe, until you realize how many social media sites with ads are out there, that could charge fees individually. So why not one charge for them all that gets split between them all.

Done.

Don't like this?

Then stop bitching about ads. Not like you are paying for this shit.

Now, if you hate the ads and are willing to pay for them to go away, bitch on my peeps!

I myself, don't really mind a few unobtrusive ads. I've learned to ignore the right column on Facebook and I rarely notice the few twitter sponsored tweets. No, I won't follow the companies they suggest. But, even then I might if it's the right company. The point is: I can turn a blind eye to something that makes something I use for hours a week, free for me to use. I mean... think about it.

2 Weeks

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 23:48:00 +0000

I finally have business cards coming! They are the free ones where you pay S&H. Not exactly custom and whatnot, but they will serve their purpose! I am so flippin' excited! I basically paid 6$ for 250 cards and I think they are really pretty. So I'm happy with them! Now, they just need to get here!

Sidekick Application

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 02:14:00 +0000

Stole this from here.

Name: __________________________

Special Skills: _____________________________________________________

Thoughts on Bacon: ________________________________________________

Willingness to wear a unitard: ____________________________

Are leggings pants? (Circle one) Yes No What are leggings?

Favorite snacks: ________________________________________________

Do you own your own cape? __________________

How high can you jump? ____________________

Preferred coffee vendor: (Circle one) Starbucks Dunkin Donuts Carribou Seattle's Best Intelligentsia Lavazza Local Shop

Do you have your own facebook/twitter/google+ account? _____________________

Do you currently use it for evil? (Circle one) Yes No Define evil

Weapon of choice: __________________________________

The Cat Who Moved In

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 23:48:00 +0000

Monday, a stray cat of about 4-6 months in age, randomly followed my 8yo home from the bus stop. And by followed him home, I mean when the 8yo walked in the back door, so did the cat. Then the cat made himself at home like he'd been here all along. We're just really unobservant, silly humans that we are.

I came home to find said cat being held by a guilty looking husband. Who informed me the only hesitation was that it was a male and males spray. But oh btw everyone was already in love, what did we want to do?

We proceeded to "debate" the issue for awhile. When finally, I gave Pat a funny look and asked him the cat's name.

Theodore. Teddy for short. Named for Teddy Roosevelt due to his whisker structure.

So, the debate, it seems, was pretty much just a formality. The cat wasn't going anywhere.

Luckily, I should be getting my tax return in February, so we can have him neutered before he reached the age of the spray.

So. Theo, or teddy, has captured our home. And our hearts.

See Mr Theo is a bit of a cuddle bug. He is as starved for affection as he was for food. And in his quest for affection he pays no mind to personal space or boundaries. Which, I suppose I should have seen coming by the way in which he moved (himself) in.

He also, likes to beg for food from those who have it. Which I'd be really annoyed with, except he spent lord knows how long eating out of a dumpster and chasing squirrels hoping for some extra protein. So, I get it. He's known hunger. It's plain as day looking at him. And so now, he has to guarantee his next meal. He is also down right willing to take that meal right out of any hand that offers. Also, he isn't a picky eater. He likes, that we have found so far: chicken, turkey, American cheese, cooked carrots, and green beans. He doesn't like corn though. Just so you know.

Also, don't turn your back on your food. Last night he stuck his head in my, thankfully empty, glass. And when he was done licking the sides, he discovered his head was stuck. Yes he was rescued. Yes he is fine. No, I don't have pictures.

So. Uh. Welcome home Theodore? At least you are a sweetie!

And That Is The Story Of How I Became Grateful I Maybe Have Fungus Growing In My Cleavage

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 19:18:00 +0000

So at one point, I came to realize that this weird, redish, raised splotch between my "girls" might be ring worm. At which point I semi-panicked because worms, in my skin, between my boobs? Ew!

Then I used the Google and learned ring worm isn't actually worms, but a fungus that grows on the human body.

And that is really, the only possible sequence of events that could lead a girl to being grateful she is possibly growing fungus in her cleavage.

Yo! Do The Bloggies!

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 02:13:00 +0000

Yes, yes. We all know I would love to be nominated for a bloggie. But? Band Back Together? The hours, and work, and pure dedication that goes into that site. You have no idea. I have no idea and I'm a part of it! So please pretty pretty please, go nominate our Band Back Together for a bloggie, M'kay?

Actually, THIS RIGHT HERE is why you need to nominate the band. Yes, need.

Things I Would Hoard If I Were A Hoarder

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 14:08:00 +0000

Blame the twitter for this.

Empty pill bottles
Empty honey nut cheerio boxes: sorted according to size
Empty pop cans. But only Sunkist and A&W
Lists
Empty Easter eggs
Bottles of lotion, empty and otherwise
Never used make-up and nail polish
Used up sharpie markers
Right shoes, with the left ones nowhere in sight
Broken children's toys

Religion vs Religion

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 16:34:00 +0000

I find it remarkable evident of the cultures surrounding religions, that there are numerous photos of the Dalai Lama walking through the streets, holding hands with every day people and monks alike. But the photos of the Pope going through the streets involve bullet proof cars. I'm going to hold back on actual comments about this, but it does reinforce my thoughts that perhaps Buddhism is after all the path for me.

12 for 2012

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 05:00:00 +0000

Alright. I hate the term "resolutions" so we'll call these goals. To me that makes them more flexible. Not so I can "break" them, but so that I can "rework" them as need be.

1. I want to be just as, if not more, happy in my new job this time next year, as I am now.

2. I want to get my kids in activities. Taekwondo for Thomas. Piano for Luke. Or at least attempt it. Meaning, if after a few lessons Luke proves not ready, then I'll at least be able to say I tried. Maybe Kinder Choir would work instead.

3. I want to at least attempt to be off all meds by the end of 2012. I really think if I can get past 6 months postpartum without crashing, I'll be just fine to do so. If I go off and crash, I can always go back on them. But dammit, I really want to try!

4. Yard. My kids need a yard. We are working on finding a house to rent. Actually, we have a friend wanting to buy a house he can rent us. Either way, this has to happen. We need more space. And flat out, aren't legal to renew our lease with the number of people under our roof vs number of bedrooms ratio we have got going. And another apartment won't work. We've outgrown anything that isn't a house.

5. I want to spend more days happy than sad. Tempted to keep a tally, but only if the results rally spirits instead of depresses them.

6. I am going to buy the shit out of both of my book wish lists on Amazon. If anyone wants to help me add to both wish lists, I'm taking book recommendations!

7. Work on improving my relationship with Pat. We are on the other side of 8 years of mental health hell. I am finally in a really good place and actively working on what lingers. Which is hopefully allowing Pat's mental health to improve, though I do recognize his situation is different than mine. To use my metaphor, I am in "remission" and he is "terminal". That said, my improvement does allow for improvement with him. Which means we can then, in turn, work on our relationship. Too often we tolerate each other. I want to increase the number of hours, days, weeks and years of enjoying each other. This is a process. It took years to get as bad as we sometimes were at our lowest. It can take even longer to get better. The climb back up is steep and paved in a history of hurt feelings.

8. I want to accomplish one task that is actively aiding in furthering my career: full-time, platform, simply becoming a notary. Whatever. It's all progress!

9. I want to get a semester of school accomplished. Even if it's only 1 class due to a packed schedule, that's still 1 class further than I am. I'll work on the business management degree for now. Not matter where else I go, it's a start and helpful.

10. Progress in figuring out discipline that really works with the boys and helps get their behavior under control. This also includes getting Thomas back into therapy.

11. I need to increase my social life. I leave the house to work or for appointments. I need to attempt to leave the house at least a few times a month for the purposes of being social with friends. One, I need a life, but also, this will hopefully allow me to be less jealous of Pat's social outings which will help our relationship.

12. Dudes. There are polar bears like not even an hour away. They have been there for roughly 1.5-2 years. I have not seen them. Even my 3-year-old and husband have seen them. My 8-year-old has seen them twice. But not me. How is this even possible?

The Character Alignment Of My 8-Year-Old

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 18:48:00 +0000

Ok, long conversation at the dinner table between me and the boys regarding good vs bad behavior.
"Is throwing your food good or bad?"
"Is eating all your veggies before asking for dessert good or bad?"
"Is sitting and reading quietly good or bad?"
"Is ripping your books good or bad?"
"What is something you could do to be good?"
"What is something you would do that is bad?"
"What happens when you are good?"
"What happens when you are bad?"
"What is something good you can do if your brother ?"
Eventually led to:
"Luke, do you want to be good or bad?"
"Good!"
"Thomas, do you want to be good or bad?"
"Neutral!"
Uh. Ok then. Just wish their wasn't also a "chaotic" there in front of that alignment.

Christmas Reflections

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 22:30:00 +0000

I have to say, I think so far this has been my favorite Christmas I've had in a long time.

Going into it, it's obviously helpful that while I am working, it isn't retail.

There hasn't been the extra money to do a lot of expensive gifts, but we manage to do really damn well with what there was. Really well. I think the kids were adequately covered. We were even able to get something minor for my mom, and I got a few inexpensive items that were on my personal wish list.

Also? I have no idea what's under the tree for me from my mom. At all. Which is rare. Usually my Christmas is in the form of work clothes a few weeks or months in advance. So this year I get to experience of both giving to my children and seeing their joy, but also experiencing my own joy and sense of surprise. It's not the presents themselves, but the thought and love that went into whatever was selected for me.

On a different note, we are still flustered with the children's behavior, so we decided something I never dreamed of. While Santa is filling stockings and leaving something for Sammy, Santa is not hooking the boys up this year. The items from Santa were already bought, but instead they are from me and Pat. After a month of threatening that Santa is watching and yet their behavior getting worse and worse, it was time to bite the bullet and get the message across. As much as this does break my heart, it's come to this. And? Santa can come next year as he did last year should there be improvement. I'm next expecting perfection. Just, better.

Otherwise, I think this is the first Christmas in recent history where I'm stress free, relaxed, and just enjoying things. Which isn't to say everything went perfectly, thus far. But really? In the grand scheme of things? It has been more than good enough.

As has this year. The second half anyways. 2011 brought me the end of the retail era, the completion of the family I have always wanted, and the career path that seems to be the perfect fit. I have much, much more to ramble in terms of work, all positive, but for now I leave it with the general knowledge that I'm really happy there.

I'm really happy everywhere.

Merry Christmas!

Top 10 Reasons a Tubal Was Better Than a 4th Pregnancy

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 13:30:00 +0000

These are in no certain order.

Pregnancy involves months of not being able to sleep on my belly. Tubal? I was on my belly after 4 days.
Not only are you encouraged to sleep through the Tubal experience, but it is enforced and isn't interrupted every 15 minutes by the need to pee.
A tubal doesn't lead to 4 years of wiping somebody's ass.
Pain meds. That aren't Tylenol.
I was told I needed to continue taking my mental health meds by the doctors instead of skipping for the day.
One week no sex, verses almost the entire 9 months plus 6 weeks.
And both involve condom free sex, thought the tubal last longer as birth control means, and is much more comfy.
My scar is said to give my belly character. Stretch marks? Not so much.
Does not increase the amount of weekly laundry.
Or food bill.

A Metric Fuck Ton Of Glitter

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 18:26:00 +0000

I got bored. And when I get bored, I find ways to get unbored. I have various methods for this. These days I aim for healthy ones. Yesterday I was on a various tumbler blog and decided, you know what? I want a tumbler. Within minutes I had decided it would be a page dedicated to glitter. A page dedicated to making me happy.

I've toyed with having a blog of nothing but quotes. I've toyed with having a blog with nothing but the random pictured I find online. I've toyed. I've toyed. I've toyed.

The kick ass thing about tumbler? It's meant for shit like that. Really really meant for it. So I decided I would combine all those toys into one. As long as it makes me happy? Up it goes!

And here it is. My own personal, Metric Fuck Ton Of Glitter.

This Post Is Brought To You By The Letters T M I

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 21:24:00 +0000

As in, no really, this one will be too much information.

You'd think that my personal filter would be like, "Dude, it's TMI don't post it." but by now we all know how that works, or doesn't work, with me. So my filter? Pretty much telling me I posted that warning, and then we're cool.

So, there was one thing I was not adequately warned about before surgery. The first post surgery poop. I was warned at the hospital, after surgery. Which was fine. But even that was along the lines of a let them know if I had trouble pooping.

See, that's basically the same warning you get after childbirth. And as such, I spent months dreading my first post Sammy poop. Just to shit 3 times within the first 24 hours of giving birth. Like it was nothing. Because, it was nothing.

So I've come to take the warnings about constipation with a grain of salt.

I also knew I had ice cream and plenty of Miralax at my disposal. So I figured I was fine.

I wasn't.

Yesterday we my first official post surgery poop and oh dead God. I passed a basketball. It needed help getting out. I'll spare the details. (Oh hey look! My filter! Everybody wave!)

Today? Was a softball. It came out only slightly easier.

But then? After that? Suddenly like magic...

I'm telling you I went from being curled up into a ball of death to finally seeing the light at the end of this recovery tunnel. Folks, I might just survive this!

It's amazing what losing 8 pounds in shit will do for you.

Over 24 Hours Out

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 03:09:00 +0000

I'm not dying. But I'm not pain free. I'm somewhere between with kind of wanting to sleep through all this but unable to. Mostly because I can only seem to sleep for 2-4 hours at a time. I'm functional enough to make PB&J sandwiches for the 3yo, but not taking near full responsibility for anyone but maybe myself.

I'm not feeling any pain I should not be feeling. So it isn't like anything went wrong. It's just what it is. The incision sites are sore and the O2 bubbles from being inflated or whatever are doing their thing. I was warned. My throat is finally recovering from the air tube. The taste of being put under is finally leaving my mouth.

I have an ok appetite. I'm not eating a lot in one sitting, but I'm eating through the day as the desire hits. I'm not nauseous which is a blessing.

So that's one more thing the pain meds aren't doing, the first and primary being anything for the pain. Well, 2 at once is doing better than just the 1 which is better than none at all. I was just hoping for something. I dunno, either loopy enough to not care, or unable to to stay awake so I could sleep through it.

I never did call my doctor to ask for anything different. I think I'm on a just deal with it path. I'm not in excruciating pain. I'm just in pain. And I've always been in pain. So really, this isn't anything new. In this case, I know it will actually go away soon enough so I don't see the sense in worrying about it. Though if I'm in really bad shape tomorrow, I can elect to make the call then.

Ok, so. The statistics have female sterilization at a .2% risk of failure. Which some people just seem to LOVE pointing out to a woman who has just been sliced open to be sterilized. Learn timing people. I know nothing besides abstinence or a hysterectomy is 100% but could we maybe not point that out every 5 minutes when I'm fresh from the surgery? I have a license to stab atm.

So yes, there is a .2% chance I could still get pregnant. Do I really want that to happen? No. I wouldn't have gotten this surgery if I did. But, if a baby can get past those odds, then I'm declaring it meant to be. And while, I never ever want to be pregnant again, it's not fully because I don't want another baby. I don't think it would be responsible and I don't want to do the whole 9 months thing ever again. But I love my babies and I would love another just as much as I love the first 3. So we would welcome it with open arms.

I'm just hoping to not to be put in that position.

I'd rather foster or adopt a child that needs a family than birth my own again. So should I get the baby fever and we be in the position where it isn't the dumbest thing ever. We'll see about that route.

12 Plus Hours Later.

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 03:52:00 +0000

Got to the hospital at 6. OR at 7:30. Was in the OR and alert for like 2 minutes when next thing I knew I was asleep. I don't remember any warning and count. May not have been one. I don't care either way. I didn't need it.

Next thing I knew I was waking in the recovery room almost an hour later. First words out of my mouth were asking if my husband had been told I was alright, when would he know I was awake, and when could he see me. See, I wanted him, but he needed me. Pat's panic disorder was not handling my surgery well, no matter how minor or elective. (Which I accept and understand.) So I was very concerned for him to see me for himself as soon as possible. I didn't beg for him or annoy the nurses to bring him up because I knew they had procedure to follow, but I was proactive in getting him up there as soon as I was nearing ready to go, and I was not taking my time with that either. I wasn't yet in pain. It didn't matter if I could fully walk. I drank what they gave me to show I was functional and then I was ready.

I passed out not too long after getting home and slept til maybe 1:15.

2ish was my first at home dose of pain meds. I was hurting but not too bad. It put me right back out.

5 I woke in a pain that made it evident the good stuff from the OR was out of my system and it was just me and my Lortab and Aleve. Which, doesn't work so awesome I found out at 6 when I took it. It's good stuff, my body just laughs at pain meds.

Tomorrow I'm either going to call and see what my options are for an upgrade or say fuck it, pop a Lunesta instead and sleep it off more deeply.

I did take 2 Lortab for my 10PM dose which is allowed. I'd only been taking 1 to try and conserve them and because I'm not a max dose unless I need it sort of gal. But I need it, if it will do the trick.

Also, all the other aches and pains I deal with day to day? Still totally fucking there. *sigh*

I really wish medicinal pot was legal. I would indeed use it for pain control. Also suppose to be great as an anti-anxiety and for BPD. Hard to have rage issues while on pot. But I'm going to wait til it's legal before I act on that knowledge. I'll also discuss with work the consequences of me smoking even with a script. A woman got fired in Washington (from a different company) for smoking pot even with a valid script. Wasn't smoking at work. Wasn't even coming to work high. But couldn't pass the drug test. So I'll cover my ass first. I love this job and company too much not to.

Quick Touch of the Base

noreply@blogger.com (Walkingborder (Karen)) — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 10:17:00 +0000

As of this exact second, it is 5:15Am on December 7th and I have to be at the hospital in 45 minutes.

I will send out a tweet later this afternoon or so when I'm out of surgery and capable of tweeting anything close to a complete thought.

See you all later!