Walking the Valley

Hope

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 15:00:00 +0000

Have you ever seen the movie "The Shawshank Redemption"? It was Isaac's favorite movie, the first movie we ever watched together, and has become one of my favorites. I never actually asked Isaac why he loved that movie so much. I knew he liked the characters and the one-liners in the movie. I knew his favorite quote came from that movie (Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things.). But it wasn't until recently that it really hit me how very much that movie is about hope. I'm sure some of you are thinking "Um...duh, we knew that all along." Humor me, ok?

Do you know what the last words of that movie are? I HOPE. Isaac had such amazing hope. He loved to share it with others, and remind me of it when times got tough. I love the last lines of the movie. I like to think that if Isaac could choose a movie quote to say as he crossed from earth to Heaven, it would be Red's words: "I am so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it is the excitement only a free man can feel. A freeman at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope I can see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams...I hope."

This movie has been on my mind a lot lately. My favorite line of the movie is "Get busy living, or get busy dying." and everytime I start to mope around or throw myself a pity party, I hear that line in my head. I know that's exactly what Isaac would say to me. He'd say "Jess - get busy living! You'll have plenty of time to talk to me when you get to Heaven! Stop moping around and get busy telling people about Jesus, because Heaven is fantasmatical!" (He made that word up)
So with that all being said, I'm reworking my blogs a bit. I find that I want to share more about my day-to-day life, and the grief is not at the forefront of my life any more. I'm not going to completely stop writing on this blog, but just don't expect to see much here. I've renamed my "The Space Between" blog. Go visit and check out its new name...I think you'll like it.

Thank you for all of your kind messages and encouragement. Thank you for letting me be open and honest, and share my heart with you all - broken and healing. Expect me to keep posting at the other blog about what God continues to do in my life...plus all things random, DIY, crafting, cooking, and otherwise interesting to write about. I hope you'll follow me there!

Soaring

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 16:30:00 +0000

This morning I heard this song on the radio - it is called "I Need You" by The Swift. It is beautiful, and there was one verse that I think describes well what I feel at this point in my journey. I can see the valley, it's still there...but I feel more like I am soaring above it, not of my own strength but with the strength of God.

"Today my soul is soaring

Way over mountains high

Though I can see the valleys

They're all just passing by

It's not that I am stronger

Look at my feeble wings

But I've been lifted higher

Yaweh's lifted me in His own strength."

Today I Choose

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 07:01:00 +0000

It would be easy today to choose sadness.

It would make sense to choose pain.

It would be simple to just curl up on the couch and cry.

But I will not.

Instead, I choose to feel joy.

I choose to remember the happiness.

I choose to be thankful for the time we had.

Today, I choose

Isaac and Jessica Smith

06.26.09

Watching

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 04:00:00 +0000

One of the phrases I hear all the time is: "Isaac's watching over you!" or something to that effect.

But I disagree.

I don't think he is. In fact, I actually hope he isn't.

If I believed Isaac was watching over me, then for me, everything I believe about Heaven would be wrong.

Heaven is supposed to be this amazing, awe inspiring, beautiful, wonderful, beyond perfect place. There is no pain, no sorrow, no tears in Heaven. So how then, can I think that Isaac would choose to spend his time watching me here on this crummy earth? When we are in Heaven, we are supposed to spend our time worshipping at the feet of God. Why would I think Isaac would choose me over God?

I think that the moment Isaac crossed over into Heaven, he either just in some divine way knew everything important that would happen in the lives of those he loved, or it just didn't matter what was happening here on earth because he was so darn excited to be in Heaven!

If I can equate it to anything, it is sort of like the time I was home with Isaac before he died. I didn't think about what was going on at school, what my students were doing, how my substitute was doing...because the time I was spending with Isaac was so precious and valuable that I didn't care what happened anywhere else. I hope that's how it is for him now, that the time he is spending with God is so sweet and so precious and so wonderful that he doesn't think about life on earth.
I told Isaac I'd be okay. And I am. I think a large part of that comes from this belief that he is not "watching over me". Strange, yes. But, I think if I believed he was watching me, I'd hang on to him more...and he clearly told me that he did not want me to hang to him. Of course I will always love him and I will carry our memories close to my heart.

I believe Isaac is not watching over me, but that's okay...because my Savior sure is!

Psalm 23

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 21:21:00 +0000

For awhile now I've been meaning to write about the title of this blog. "Walking the Valley" came to me almost instantly when I set out to start writing.

Typically, when I think of Psalm 23, I picture a TV scene - people dressed in black, gathered at a cemetery, standing around a casket, with a priest reading this Psalm. But, the more I have thought about it, the more I think that Psalm isn't for the person who is dead, but rather for those left living. Think about - "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" - the dead person isn't walking through that, the dead person is dancing in Heaven! We, the ones left behind, are those who are walking through death's shadow. As I read the Psalm again, I know this Psalm is for those of us left behind. It is a reminder to us, that even when our journey takes us through the darkest valleys, we need not fear when God is with us. He will provide for our every need, lead us in the right direction (even if that's not the easiest way), and save a place in His house for us when it's our time to head there!

The song "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman has been one of my favorites throughout this journey. It is based off of Psalm 23, and its first line is "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Your perfect love is casting out fear." This is exactly how I have been feeling throughout this. So while the name does come from that Psalm, for me it mostly comes from "You Never Let Go", the song. If there is one thing I can say I have learned through this, one thing I can say I absolutely know about God it is - HE NEVER, EVER LETS GO.

Spotted in my yard...

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 01:13:00 +0000

Do you see it?

Thanks, Isaac ;-)

June

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 13:45:00 +0000

Yep..it's June 1st - my birthday! June...an interesting month. It's my birthday, it's the month school ends, it's the month Isaac and I got married. And, fittingly...it is the month Nick & Friends Sarcoma Foundation is featuring Isaac's story! Check it out!

When I'm thankful you are not here...

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Wed, 26 May 2010 19:43:00 +0000

Sunday morning I woke up for church and I was laying in bed thinking about how I miss going to church with Isaac. I was just thinking about how I miss the feeling of finding him in the lobby in his red sweatshirt and hugging him. And then I heard this voice (makes me sound a tad crazy, huh?) that said "Do you miss how I almost never made it sitting through a single church service because of the pain in my hip?" Well... of course not. I hated seeing him in pain.

Things like that have been in my thought process a lot this week - things that make me thankful Isaac is not here. Sounds strange, I know. I wish Isaac was still here, but I wish he was still here and he was completely cancer free and totally healthy. I don't wish he was still here going to get blood drawn twice a week, driving to Pittsburgh for chemos, flying to Houston and just praying there was some treatment. I don't wish he was still here chained to an oxygen tank. I don't wish he was still here taking huge amounts of pain killer just to make it through the day. I don't wish he was still here and I had to check my phone every half hour wondering how he was feeling that day.

Every single day I thank God for freeing Isaac from the chains of cancer. I don't wish Isaac was still here...but I sure wish Heaven had a phone so I could talk to him.

Check this song out - it's called "The Valley Song" by Jars of Clay, and it happened to play on my Pandora as I was writing this!

"I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy.
When death, like a gypsy,
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek Your face."

The Best Worst Week Ever

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Sat, 22 May 2010 02:33:00 +0000

That blog title didn't make sense, did it? It's the best way I can describe this week. It was not a great week...but it was also one of the best weeks I've had since Isaac died. Strange, huh?

It was not a great week because I was feeling extra emotional (it's totally awesome being a woman!) at the beginning of the week, and just found myself overall feeling empty rather often this week. I spent some time this week looking back - looking at old emails (I saved every single email Isaac and I sent each other!), looking at the notes our hospice workers left every day they saw Isaac, and even read all my old blogs (some of which, I actually really forgot about writing). It just reminded me how quickly Isaac's condition went downhill - and how that was the worst part of the entire experience for me.

It was a great week because I have experienced awesome encouragement this week. A group of wonderful gals and I have been emailing each other every day to share what we read in our quiet time (quiet time = time spent with God, reading the Bible, praying, etc.) For a few of us (me included), this meant actually having a quiet time every day - something I've been out of habit in doing. I look forward to their emails every day, knowing I'm going to be encouraged! I also kept hearing really fabulous new songs on the radio at random times every day. And, I got a handwritten letter from a busy college student in the mail today. (a busy college student who spent every day of his last week of winter break sitting in my dining room with Isaac...and harassing my poor overweight cat!)

I was thinking about this idea of a "really good bad week" this morning. And, this verse 'randomly' happened to show up in my quiet time: "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." (Psalm 27:13) Um....coincidence? I think not. More like a perfect reminder from God that the reason I have hope...the reason Isaac had hope...was our faith in Christ! The reason I can smile through the tears is how completely confident I am that God is using all of this pain FOR GOOD!

Grand Canyon - 2 miles

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Tue, 18 May 2010 19:51:00 +0000

I was reading through some old emails between Isaac and I, and I found this. It is just absolutely, exactly what Isaac wanted his life to be about. So, I'm making him a "guest blogger" today. Enjoy, and be blessed!

I am extremely insecure in the fact that I feel absolutely powerless to accomplish something great in man's eyes. But you know what? I'm actually ok with that. My friends can earn their degrees, get their houses or apartments, cars, tv's, vacations, whatever, etc. I'm fine with them doing that. But I'm not content with doing that. I want to help to change people's hearts and minds to think, and reason more clearly. To make people take a step back from all those material things that make us happy but not joyous. I want to grow to know God more, to love and connect with Him more. When I die, I don't want to leave a legacy, I want my life to be like a sign that points to the Grand Canyon and says: "Grand Canyon 2 miles". Most people will look at the sign and not even think twice about the sign in itself, but instead, will look forward to getting to the Grand Canyon. Do you understand what I mean? I think that is a perfect picture of what God is telling us. I'm there, but I'm not as important as I thought I was. and you know what? I'm ok with that too! God hasn't called us to impress man. He's called us to do what He asks.

Grace Like Rain

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Tue, 18 May 2010 00:57:00 +0000

Whenever it rains outside, I can't help but sing Todd Agnew's "Grace Like Rain"

...Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me...

So today, I was in my kitchen this evening listening to Pandora (Hillsong Station!) making some salsa and getting my lunch ready tomorrow when "Grace Like Rain" came on. Which, if you've never heard the song, is "Amazing Grace" with an extra chorus. I paused for a moment and just looked outside at the drizzle while I sang the song and this verse stopped me in my tracks:

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun

We've no less days to sing Your praise

Than when we've first begunI've heard it tons and tons of times before. I've sung it many, many times before.

Here's what hit me tonight:
I have to live without Isaac here on earth for a few years...but when I get to Heaven, I will have eternity to spend with him. The song reminds us when we get to Heaven, even after we've been there for ten thousand years...we'll still have that much time and more to sing God's praises! Our time in Heaven never, ever runs out!!! I'll still have all the time in the world to be with my Lord. And I'll have all the time in the world to be with Isaac. When I grasp the number "10,000" years...it makes living the next 60 or so years (Lord willing) here on earth a little easier.

I'm sharing with Chatting at the Sky.

Think Like a Tree

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Tue, 11 May 2010 19:52:00 +0000

I was going through some poems for my students today and I found this poem I just love! It is simple, but beautiful, and I think depicts much of how I have approached this journey.

Think Like a Tree

by Karen I. Shragg

Soak up the sun

Affirm life's magic

Be graceful in the wind

Stand tall after a storm

Feel refreshed after it rains

Grow strong without notice

Be prepared for each season

Provide shelter to strangers

Hang tough through a cold spell

Emerge renewed at the first signs of spring

Stay deeply rooted while reaching for the sky

Be still long enough to

hear your own leaves rustling.

I shared this with Melissa at The Inspired Room

Random thoughts related to moving forward...

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Sun, 09 May 2010 20:32:00 +0000

It's been a little more than 10 weeks since Isaac died. It felt like April would never end, and now I can't believe we're in the 2nd week of May! It seems things have settled a bit, and thoughts of moving forward come to my mind more often.

The first thing I debate in my mind is my involvement with "activism". Through the past monts, I have had the privelage of meeting many wonderful families and people who have been affected by cancer. Part of me just loves this - I love reaching out to these people, sharing my story, etc. But, part of me wants to step back from this. I know several families who have lost loved ones to cancer and are doing all kinds of wonderful things to raise money and awareness. Many are doing all kinds of awesome things. They have started foundations, are doing awareness events, or starting websites in the name of their loved one. For awhile, I had the thought that when Isaac died, I would do something like this. Isaac and I had talked about starting a soccer tournament through his high school soccer team and after he died, someone approached me about starting a memorial run in Isaac's name.

A small part of me wants to spend the rest of my life doing everything I can to raise awareness and champion this cause. But...most of me does not. Is that selfish? Maybe. I am 28, and the rest of my life - Lord willing - could be 60+ more years! I remember a conversation Isaac and I had just a few days after we called hospice. We talked about what my life would be like after he died, and Isaac told me he wanted me to move forward. He said he had thought about writing me a letter to read after he died, but decided not to because he didn't want me to have anything I felt like I had to hang on to. He said he didn't want me to spend the rest of my life mourning over him. So, for me, if I spent the rest of my life championing the cause of osteosarcoma awareness, I think I'd never really move forward. And that's not what Isaac wanted, and it's not what I want either.

I will keep writing, I will keep reaching out, I will maintain the friendships with others through this time...I'm just not going to organize fundraisers and run races and do things like that. To those who are doing those things, I think you are awesome and you need to keep doing it for those like me, who just can't.

The other issue related to "moving forward" is about dating. I've had the "are you ready/when will you be ready to date" conversation with several people over the past few weeks. So I thought I'd just go ahead and write about it! Am I ready to date? Easy answer: yes. I miss having that 'someone' - like on Grey's Anatomny when Christina tells Meredith "You're my person" - I miss having "my person". It occurred to me though one day, that while I am ready to entertain the idea of - someday in the future - dating again, I am not ready right now. I recently got a new car, and when I was cleaning out my old car one of the things I moved and immediately placed in the new car was the "I love you" post it note Isaac had left in my car one morning. That was when I knew - I am not ready to put Isaac away. Being really, truly ready to date again would mean that I would put things like that post-it note away. And I can't do that yet. I like being reminded every single day when I get in my car, that he loved me. So, that's where I am. Someday I'll "get back out there" and date again. Am I ready? Yes, and no. Will I write about it when I do start dating? Yes.

Disclaimer: No one in my life has made me feel like I need to date again. No one has pressured me. No one has asked about it in such a way to make me feel bad. It's just a question I've been asked, and I wanted to answer. I know it will take time, I know I will know when I'm ready.

Thoughts on Bitterness

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Mon, 03 May 2010 00:07:00 +0000

Bitterness. It's a word that has been on my heart this past week. It's been almost 10 weeks since Isaac died, and I can honestly say: I am NOT bitter. Have you ever heard the song "Held" by Natalie Grant? There's a line in that song that says: "This hand is bitterness. We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrows. The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow."

That's how I feel about each day. Every day I have 2 choices when it comes to bitterness: I can choose that hand, choose to be angry at God, choose to let the anger overwhelm me. Or...I can choose the wise hand. In flower language, lilies of the valley symbolize the return of happiness. I can choose to focus on being angry and bitter, or I can choose to focus on peace.

I credit a large part of my peace to Isaac. I started dating, fell in love with, and married him all with the full knowledge that he had cancer. We never sugar coated the reality of our situation. He never promised me we'd grow old together, and somewhere inside me I always knew that too.

I credit more of my peace to God. I remember one night before Isaac and I were married. We had just gotten scans back that said there was cancer in his pelvis again. I was so angry and afraid. I cried and sobbed and screamed at God (and Isaac). I was so angry and felt like God had let me down. Something about that night really hit me and I asked God to change my angry heart. Rather than playing solely for Isaac's healing, I began praying for peace no matter what happened. I prayed God's will to be done, and that He'd just grant us strength and grace in the journey. I could no longer feel "God let me down" when I prayed that way. I began seeing His grace in my life. That's where my peace comes from.

I remember one day during our time with hospice, when Barb (Isaac's mom) and I were standing in the kitchen talking. She said that some of the women in her Bible study said things to her like "I just can't imagine losing a child like you are", and she very calmly said "That's because you weren't called to lose a child. God has called me to this." I 100% know what she means. That is where my peace comes from - knowing that this was God's plan. Of course I am sad, hurt, broken hearted, and lonely. But admist all of that - there is peace. God is bringing me through something I never thought I'd be able to survive; how can I do anything but trust Him through every other circumstance in my life?

I've heard the cliche "Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping someone else dies." and I believe that's true. No good could come from my being bitter. I hope though, as I share with you what God is teaching me, good will come from my choice to embrace peace.

P.S. Did you see I started a new blog? It's called "The Space Between"! Check it out! You can see pictures of the repainted dining room!

A letter (tears flowing!)

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 01:46:00 +0000

Dear Isaac,
I hope you are having a great time on your tour of the world with God. I know you've probably seen every bird you ever talked about wanting to see, and every nook and cranny of our earth by now. I wish I could be on that tour with you, but I guess when I get there, you'll just have to be my tour guide. You can show me all the things you know about Heaven that I don't know yet, and "na-na-na-na boo boo" at me that you know more than I do!!

Things back here on earth are going okay. I always told you I'd be okay, and I am. I just miss you. I remember that I used to tell you the part of your death I dreaded most was the time between "There's nothing more we can do for Isaac" and your last breath. But now, I think the past 2 weeks have been the hardest. At least during your last month, when I was sad, I could climb into your hospital bed and even though you were totally loopy and out of it, you'd still give me a kiss. I remember one time I was crying, and you pointed at my tears and said "I'm not sure what all this is about"...and it made me laugh. You always made me laugh no matter how bad I was feeling.

Sometimes I look back and I wonder what I'd do differently if I could have a "do over" with our relationship. The only thing I can come up with is...I'd have married you sooner. If I had known that we'd get just 8 short months of married life, I'd have had you drive us straight from Wildwood Lake where you proposed, to the courthouse in downtown York. I'd have started our married life immediately.

I loved being your wife. I miss waking up beside you every morning and coming home to you at the end of every day. I miss cooking for you, and the silly things you did like putting way too much cheese in your chili. I miss how hard you worked at being a great husband, and how proud you were everytime you did something "husbandy" like mowing the lawn or fixing something around the house. I miss how much you cared for the youth at our church, how you wanted Charley and Weston to seek passionately after God, and how you found creative ways to demonstrate His love for them even when they least suspected it. I miss how you encouraged people like Kreeger, and Caleb, and Chris (all of them!) to question and wonder and speak openly about their faith. I miss how you always had to try to do things better than Ned, I think iron definitely sharpened iron in your relationship with him - you two always tried to outdo each other, but you both came out better in the end because of it. I miss how did things like buy a book on reptiles for a hurting teen, not because you wanted to try to win him over or something, but just because you knew he liked reptiles and the book made you think of him. I miss your excitement over the fact that we could have lots of "couple friends", and through that I met the McGinnis's and the Suereths. I miss how much you loved your sweet sister, how you were so proud of the way she was seeking to find her own walk with Lord and you always wanted to hang out more with Abbi. I miss how much you wanted to learn from your dad, and how even though you would nag at your mom, you always said "my mom is AWESOME".

But the thing I miss most of all is the way you encouraged and loved me. Whenever I was having a really bad day, or something really important was happening like a job interview or an observation, you'd send me text messages and emails to remind me that you loved me...and when I'd come home, you'd tell me you prayed for me all day and then you'd ask me about every little detail. I remember one Monday morning, after a Sunday night I spent REALLY not wanting to go to work the next day, I woke up to find a sticky note with "I love you" written on it stuck to the cabinet in the kitchen...and another on the bathroom mirror, and on the steering wheel of my car, and on the page of the book I was reading, and inside my computer screen when I opened my laptop. I miss you.

I know that you are so happy now...happy to be free of cancer and enjoying all that God has to offer in Heaven, and I rejoice for you every day. It's just lonelier down here on earth now that you're gone.

I can't wait to see you again! I love you!
Still your wife,
Jess

P.S. Could you please ask God to let you use Facebook from Heaven so I can keep updated on your status? Thanks.

A Psalm 6 kind of mood

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 13:04:00 +0000

The past few days I've been feeling a bit like David in Psalm 6. Today marks 7 weeks without Isaac. And I think it finally sunk in.
The first 2 weeks or so, I was so overcome with relief that I didn't feel the grief - I was just so glad that he was in a better place, not feeling any pain, and that neither of us had to worry about cancer or doctors or medical bills anymore. Then, I went back to work and was able to distract myself with my work friends and my students. But the beginning of this week it was like it all just hit me. I wanted to curl up in my bed with my cats and just sob (which, I did last night). The reality that life keeps going on, the days keep going by, and Isaac keeps not being here is finally sinking in. Sunday I was sad, Monday I was weepy, but yesterday was the worst. I cried before I got out of bed, while I brushed my teeth, while I ate breakfast, on my way to school, during my planning period at school, on my way home from school, in the car before going into the gym, in my car after leaving the gym, at the grocery store, and finally at home. This song was my heart's cry: "Homesick" by Mercy Me. "You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times. And at least a thousand times, I've rejoiced for you. But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry, is how long must I wait to be with you? I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where the heart is, than I'm out of place."
I know there are many, many people in my life who I could've called to come sit with me while I cried, but really - the only person I wanted to be there was Isaac. I think that's been the hardest part of this whole experience. The one person I want to be there while I am crying is the person I am crying about.

Really, I expected him to still be here at this point. When we were in Houston in December, we made plans to return for another appointment over Easter weekend. Isaac was determined to make it to at least April 6th, so he could say he was one of the 1 in 5 osteosarcoma patients to live past 5 years. If you knew Isaac, than you know he was STUBBORN, and I thought surely if he set his mind to living until April 6th, he'd live until April 6th.

So today, I'm trying to have an Isaiah 61 kind of day - "God sent me to announce the year of his grace— a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies— and to comfort all who mourn, To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes" (v. 3) - and allow God to take my pain and use it for good. I feel better so far today - much more emotionally stable! I didn't even cry this morning when I pulled out the toothpaste tube and saw "12/21/09" written on it, which Isaac did because he wanted to see how long it took us to use the whole tube. That's such an "Isaac thing" to do, isn't it?

Put your sword away!

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 02:04:00 +0000

Twice this weekend the same passage of Scripture came up for me. Once on Saturday while I was doing some devotions, and once today during Pastor Ed's message. In both contexts, it was about forgiveness. I've prayed and prayed if there was anyone in my life I was struggling to forgive, and have come up empty. (That's a good thing, yay for good people in my life!) But, as I mulled over this passage in my mind, I realized there was a lesson for me in the words.

"When he had finished praying, Jesus left with his disciples and crossed the Kidron Valley. On the other side there was an olive grove, and he and his disciples went into it. Now Judas, who betrayed him, knew the place, because Jesus had often met there with his disciples. So Judas came to the grove, guiding a detachment of soldiers and some officials from the chief priests and Pharisees. They were carrying torches, lanterns and weapons.

Jesus, knowing all that was going to happen to him, went out and asked them, "Who is it you want?"

"Jesus of Nazareth," they replied.

"I am he," Jesus said. (And Judas the traitor was standing there with them.)

When Jesus said, "I am he," they drew back and fell to the ground.

Again he asked them, "Who is it you want?"

And they said, "Jesus of Nazareth."

"I told you that I am he," Jesus answered. "If you are looking for me, then let these men go."

This happened so that the words he had spoken would be fulfilled: "I have not lost one of those you gave me."

Then Simon Peter, who had a sword, drew it and struck the high priest's servant, cutting off his right ear. (The servant's name was Malchus.)

Jesus commanded Peter, "Put your sword away! Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?"
(John 18:1-11)

Peter...the disciple so many of us identify with. As Pastor Ed said, he seemed to have a "foot shaped mouth", always saying the wrong thing or making some kind of mistake. He acted before he thought things out. Peter swore his allegiance to Jesus. If you were passionately loyal to someone, like Peter was to Jesus, and their life was being threatened...and you had a sword...wouldn't you do something about it? Peter did. He reached out with his sword and took a swipe at that soldier, cutting off his ear. The thing is, Jesus never asked him to do that. Jesus never wanted Peter to fight a battle for him. Jesus knew that He was to follow in God's will, even if that will meant His own death on the cross.

I felt a bit Peter-ish in our battle against cancer. Like I was cutting off ears in an effort to save Isaac, when his earthly healing was never God's plan. I read about other people brandishing their swords in the battle against cancer, too. Cutting off an ear here, maybe a finger, if you're lucky - a whole leg...refusing to accept that their loved one's cup might be death. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm certainly not saying that I think anyone fighting cancer with a poor prognosis should just give up. But, during Isaac's last weeks here, I was the one who had to decide it was useless to continue giving him treatment. That was one of the hardest decisions I had to make. But, looking back, I know that giving him another IV of medication would have been like Peter cutting off that soldier's ear. Sure it might have hurt the cancer a little bit, but it wasn't going to stop it and it wasn't going to prevent or even prolong the inevitable. It was in that decision, that God said to me "Put your sword away!" and asked me to just allow Isaac to drink the cup God had given him.

That's where my peace comes from. That's why when people ask me "How are you doing" with a sad look in their eyes, I can look back at them and smile and say "Better than I ever expected to be". I am just so sure that Isaac is in Heaven and that this was God's plan all along. I also know that if I can get through this time in my life, God will get me through anything. He didn't abandon me in this time of need, He is right by my side every single step of the way. I'll just keep putting my own sword away, and let Him fight it out for me!

My Message

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 01:57:00 +0000

My friend Michelle shared a video with me today that brought me to ~~tears~~ sobs. You may remember a post I wrote back at the end of January, where I was just hoping for a few minutes with a lucid, "normal" Isaac to make sure he was okay with dying and just talk to him. I never had that. From that weekend in January on, Isaac was never "Isaac" again. There were things he did that showed us he was still there, and we did have conversations where he told me in his loopy voice that I was doing a great job taking care of me, and that he said when he got to Heaven he wouldn't have to worry about all the cancer anymore, and that he was just plain exhausted. But I never got even one minute of regular Isaac again.

Then Michelle sent me this video, and I'm pretty sure it's the "sign" or "message from Heaven" I've been waiting for - the message that tells me that Isaac is okay and that he was okay with the portion God had given him even unto death. I think if Isaac could video tape his thoughts in his last month of life, it'd sound a lot like this guy:

Life Change

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 22:26:00 +0000

I'd never really thought about it before, but this time of year was a time of significant life change for both Isaac and myself. For me, it was April 4, 2004 that I went to see a co-worker in the Easter play at my church, and one week later began my journey with Jesus. For Isaac, it was 5 years ago today - April 5, 2005 - that his doctor told him the nagging knee pain was osteosarcoma.

I was looking back through some messages I'd sent Isaac on Facebook, before we even were dating, and in one I said that I just prayed that: 1) God would continue to show Himself to be faithful to Isaac, and 2) God would do something to remind Isaac that he was not fighting this battle with cancer alone. I realize looking back, that I think I was the answer to my own prayer! God took a little over 3 years to bring Isaac and I into each other's lives, but the perparations He made for us to be right for each other began long before that.

Going through life is like putting together a puzzle without the picture on the box to guide you. Sometimes, you have no idea what pieces go where, how the pieces all fit together, or what the picture is going to look like in the end. But, then you find that all those random pieces somehow do fit together to make something unexpectedly perfect.

Breakdown!

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 03:35:00 +0000

Today marks 5 weeks since Isaac left this world. I really prefer to write about the times when I am feeling most hopeful, most filled with peace, most joyous...but this week I had my first major "breakdown" since Isaac died. Sure I've cried...I've cried hard...I've sobbed - but this was my first uncontrollable-curled up in a ball-half a BJs box of tissues kind of episode.

Maybe it was because I spent most of the weekend alone - which though not unusual in my pre-Isaac days, was a change from the past 2 1/2 years of my life - I don't know, maybe it was just my mind and spirit finally settling into the reality of my loss. Whatever it was, I found myself a shattered mess on Sunday night. All late afternoon/evening I was mopey, I cried here and there out of the blue. I decided maybe looking at our wedding pictures would help - I knew it would probably keep me crying, but I thought maybe seeing the happiness would help dry my tears. As I was looking through the photos, I came across one of our wedding ceremony that I hadn't looked closely at before. In this photo, I could see the look on Isaac's face that he gave me the whole way through our ceremony. I never expected to cry like I did at our wedding, but I told Isaac later that the reason I kept crying was because everytime I looked at him he was looking back at me with such a deep and intense love in his eyes that it brought me to tears. If you've ever spent any time with the two of us, you probably know this look - a little smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. When I saw that picture, and saw that look - it finally hit me what I miss most with him being gone.

I miss being loved by him.

I never really thought about that. I knew I'd miss talking to him, hugging him, laughing with him, crying with him, falling asleep next to him, all of that stuff - but I never thought about how when he died, I'd never experience being loved by him again. Isaac loved me with this all consuming passion and wild abandon. He would've done absolutely anything to make me happy. It takes a lot of patience to put up with me sometimes (right, Mom and Dad?), and he was so gentle and caring and selfless when it came to being my husband and loving me. Being loved by someone like that is absolutely, hands down, the BEST feeling ever. It's like God took everything good in the world and wrapped all up and presented it to you in a gift. I like to think that feeling is just the way we'll feel every single second of every single day when we get to Heaven.

Our wedding ceremony...

On that day, we laughed.

On that day, I cried.

On that day, he smiled from ear to ear.

And on that day, I felt loved like never before.

Happy is the heart that still feels pain,

Darkness drains and light will come again.

Swing open up your chest and let it in,

Just let the love, love, love begin.

("Everybody" by Ingrid Michaelson)

Photos by Captured Moments Photography

Reason to Sing

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 17:56:00 +0000

If you attended Isaac's memorial service, you sang "Desert Song". This song has spoken to me many times since I first heard it. The song reminds me that in every trial, pain, or battle - I can cry out to God...that in everything in life, God is there. Through all of the trial and uncertainty of Isaac's disease, God was the reason I could still find joy.

Recently, I heard another song with a similar message that I love, especially right now. It's called "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson.

"Do you wonder why you have to

Feel the things that hurt you

If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see

And all those things are happening

To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare, would you dare to believe

That you still have a reason to sing

Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It’s just the dark before the morning."

The bottom line is: Unlike our circumstances, God NEVER changes. Unlike our circumstances, God is ALWAYS good. That's why, we don't sing praises to our circumstances - we sing praises to our God.

Image from: Volume 25 @ Etsy.com

Joy is the theme of my song...

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 23:05:00 +0000

...and the beat of my heart and that joy is found in You!

If I could describe the past few days in one word, it would be, surprisingly: JOY ! Remember my post a few weeks ago about Anticipatory Joy? And the one about my lemon? Well, as anticipated, my awesomely faithful God has been giving me heaps of sugar and turning my lemon to lemonade faster than I ever thought possible.

One small, JOY-bringing thing lately was the weather. How can you not be happy when the sun is shining, it's warm out, and everything is budding and coming to life?!? I can even appreciate the rain today - it's a good reason to relax on the couch!

The biggest thing that brought me JOY was the message our pastor delivered yesterday morning. As I've experienced joy the past few days, this little voice keeps popping up in my mind asking if it's okay to feel like this so soon after losing Isaac. I know I deserve to be happy, Isaac would want me to be happy, and all of that - I just didn't expect it this soon. It's not total and complete happiness, everytime I see a picture of Isaac, my heart breaks a little. But, I think there is a big difference between "joy" and "happiness" - and I do feel joy.

This morning's message validated my JOY. It started with a trashcan and a recycling bin on stage at church. Pastor Ed asked us what we do with our pain. Do we simply try to throw it away...let it sit and fester in a landfill? Or do we put it in the recycling bin, asking God to take our pain and reshape it into something good? I knew my answer. I knew that all along, God was not doing this in vain...that God was going to us it, and I was working hard to keep giving Him my pain and letting Him use it. It gives me so much joy to hear from people who say how much Isaac inspired them, or who are encouraged by ready my words - it is for those reasons that I can feel JOY.

I could rehash the whole sermon for you, it was that good, but I won't! (You can listen to it here if you'd like!) I'll just pull out my favorite verse: "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18) Isn't that awesome? All the crap we go through on earth is NOTHING compared to the total and complete JOY we will feel when we finally reach GLORY! It reminds me of the joy Isaac is feeling in Heaven right now, and how awesome it must be, and I am so happy for him!! That hope - that hope that he is Heaven because I know he had a strong relationship with Jesus Christ - that hope is what gives me JOY!

I am okay

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 00:24:00 +0000

A strange thing happened this week...I didn't cry every day. As I was walking last night with my friend, Michelle, and talking about how things have been going, I realized that this past week has been different. It's been just a little over 3 weeks since Isaac died. When I say it like that, 3 weeks...it is such a short amount of time, but I feel like it's been longer. Maybe it's the change in weather, maybe it's the fact that I went back to work...but it just feels like it was so long ago. I guess mentally, it was. When I look back, Isaac was here in body until February 24th, but his mind was gone long before that. There were glimpses of him, little ways we knew he was still with us in some capacity, but I honestly can't remember the last "real" conversation we had after the hospital bed arrived. So, for me, my husband has really been gone since the beginning of February. I mourned the loss of his sweet spirit while still getting to kiss him goodnight every night.

On Wednesay, I was driving home from work with the sunroof open, windows down, and radio blasting. Isaac loved to drive on sunny days like that, too. I found myself thinking "Man, Isaac would love to be sitting in this car with me," but instead of feeling sad - I was happy. I was happy thinking about the times we drove random back roads on beautiful spring days, just listening to music and enjoying the weather. I was happy thinking that while this was Isaac's favorite time of year (the birds are starting to chirp!), he's in Heaven now...and it's so much better there than it is on even the most perfect day here on earth. How could I want him to come back from that? Sure, I wish he was sitting with me in the car, but the joy I felt with the sun shining on me and the wind blowing through my hair is nothing compared to the joy he is experiencing at the feet of Jesus in Heaven. And that felt awesome...it felt so freeing.

I am sad still sometimes. Not in the way that makes me feel like the cartoon character who is followed around by the gray rain cloud...I feel more like there's this empty hole that follows me around - and when I look at it, I remember that Isaac's not here, but I don't look at it all the time. I am starting to feel happy again...I feel free. And, I think it's Isaac up there in Heaven who's cheering me on.

"My dead heart now is beathing
My deepest stains now clean.
Your breath fills up my lungs
Now I'm free. Now I'm free.
Lift my hands and spin around,
See this Light that I have found,
Oh the Marvelous Light, Marvelous Light."

"Marvelous Light"

On a note unrelated to this blog post...
Nick & Friends Sarcoma Organization is a non-profit organization founded to support and raise awareness for all types of sarcoma. They have been so supportive of me and many families affected by sarcoma! They have designed a NASCAR for Toyota Racing's contest. The car is covered in yellow ribbons, each bearing the name of one of the members of Nick & Friends support list - including ISAAC! How cool!?! You can vote for their car every day for the next 2 weeks, so please vote! http://www.sponsafier.com/#/gallery/view/201541

Purpose

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 18:06:00 +0000

Isaac's favorite passage of Scripture was Isaiah 55:8-9 ("For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.")

When it came to getting cancer, instead of thinking "Why me?", he thought "Why NOT me? What makes me better than someone else?". I'll be honest - when it came to falling in love with him, sometimes I thought "Why me?". I wondered why God would have me wait 27 years to fall in love, and then allow me to go through such pain with it. For awhile, I really believed that God would heal Isaac because there was no way He would allow me to continue through such pain. I prayed hard for total healing for Isaac, and everytime we got another scan that showed more cancer...I got angry at God, because clearly - it was His fault. One day, though, my prayers began to change. I continued to pray for that miracle of healing, but I also began praying that God would give me peace no matter what the news was. I prayed for grace, patience, strength, and the ability to accept God's plan - no matter what that plan was. God answered, and continues to give me all of those things and more.

Of course, there are moments when I am sobbing and sad and feeling crummy. There are times when the grief smacks me in the face and I just have to give in to it. There are times when I miss him so much I think my heart actually hurts. But, they are just moments. Sometimes, they are minute long moments and sometimes they are hour long moments, but they are just moments. God has graciously given me peace before and after the moments of grief hit. He reminds me that there is reason for everything, and that the pain I feel is not in vain.

During Isaac's last hour with me here on earth, I read chapter 55 of Isaiah to him and I was struck by the verses that followed his favorites:
"As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is My word that goes out from My mouth:
It will not return to Me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."
Isaiah 55:10-11
This is a promise I hold tight to. The promise that all of this - every tear, every moment of sadness, every pain - has a purpose. I may never know that purpose here on earth, and I know I will still feel the pain of this loss for a long time. But, I'll endure that pain for now, because the things God is giving me and teaching me through it all is worth every tear. I'll live through the pain, because I got to be in love. Totally, madly, head over heels in love. It may have been brief, but it was beautiful...and it was worth it.

Things lately

noreply@blogger.com (Jess) — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 02:17:00 +0000

I returned to work on Wednesday. It was good to be back and to see my co-workers and friends again! Man, am I tired though!! My substitute will be staying in the room until tomorrow, which has been great, because I haven't had to actually teach anything yet. I'm a little shell shocked coming back, and glad to have the chance to ease back into it.

Another special addition to my first few days back was the delivery of a "sunshine basket" (actually, 2 sunshine baskets!) from my pals at Dallastown. 2 baskets full of presents - I'm supposed to open 1 present a day until the baskets are empty. I'll be honest...I opened 5 tonight. Haha!! I didn't mean to, but I did. One, I was told to open first (goodies from Brown's that no one would want to go stale - thanks Megan!). The second one I wanted to open was from someone (D'Orsie!!!) who was trying to convince me to open all the gifts tonight, and so she pointed hers out to me so I could open it up. But, I opened the wrong one, so I got an extra! The 4th one tipped over in my car (so, naturally, I had to open the card to see who the gift was from). And finally, the 5th one I just wanted to know what was in it! Haha!!

I wish I could say thank to every person individually who has sent cards, packages, letters, emails, etc. and offered dinners, weekends away, even weeks away...but I just can't right now. Please know how very much I appreciate them all!!! My mind and my emotions are just so tired right now, and most of the time I just don't even have the energy to talk on the phone. (well, let's be honest...I never liked talking on the phone anyway!) So, someday, I will happily answer more phone calls, write back to emails, take you all up on the offers of dinners out and time away....but for now, I am content with my couch, some Dawson's Creek DVDs, a good book, my cats and the down time by myself.

Thank you all again for your support! I have so many wonderful friends I can lean on when I need to, and knowing that - I'll be okay. One day a time...