Wander Wonder Discover

Tick, tick, tick...

2013-05-23T12:36:00.000-04:00

Time passes and I watch it go. Funny how I don't ever see it coming, only leaving. It moves fast and slow without prejudice, and I ponder the winding, paradoxical nature of it all. Time's inescapable vine propels us forward effortlessly, while I dawdle with little wishes to pause, and sometimes, rewind.

Lately, I have been list-making to organize my time and prioritize what's in my mind. Busy hasn't stopped since we moved, but Time has trained me well to be more efficient , effective, and accountable by making lists. And let's just face it, if I don't write it down I don't remember it.

But oh the irony!!! The lists never, ever end. It's a dangerous place to reside inside lists as they have been known to steal my time quicker than the belief that I have saved any by making them. It's a simple fact, the faster I move, or the more I fill my lists, or the more I cram into a day, the quicker the day flashes, leaving me to wonder where my time has gone. Sometimes I feel the satisfaction of my efficiency, and other times I wonder if I am afflicted with an addiction to busy-ness. And at the end of the day, with a fresh list of horizontal slashes dressed in perceived success, I see a skeletal recording of the hours of my day, like a bony rib cage worn by the passage of time. Yikes. *Sigh*

Unless.

I blast Mumford out loud and dance in the kitchen, I hike amidst my long-limbed brothers (sharing their first fists of green lately ;), I take snapshots of my boy, now with braces, and my girl with her bangs finally growing long. I paint my workshop, and now make its curtains. I drive my husband to the bus station for a meeting in Denver, and I sit to write down on my list that I need to get the snow tires off the van. Time has never been something to fear, not as long as I remember to fill it with heart. The ticking that goes by does not discriminate between snow tires and a smoothie, between laughter and stress, or accomplishment and procrastination. We are our own judge and jury to how we spend our time. Lists or not, I decide where joy plays a part. I decide when to dance or when to drive. So it's only with the trick of the mind and the flick of my wrist how I perceive whether my day is long or short. That is just how foolish we humans can be. Just ask the trees, they know what I mean :).

Mucho love...

xoxo

Chances and choices

2013-05-14T20:16:00.000-04:00

When we are removed from our everyday, when we are placed in situations that aren't typical, when we are forced to see ourselves differently than what we are accustomed to, we are offered valuable information. An opportunity to consider that there is so much more available to us than we allow ourselves to know. Consumed with our norm, our schedules, our responsibilities, our established roles, we can miss so much. Whether I remember or not, I am given chances everyday to stretch beyond my comfortable boundaries. They come and go so often, it's easy to mistake them for anything else but a gem hidden amongst ordinary pebbles

Going on the Teton's trip as a chaperone was a chance to step outside the roles of mother, wife, caretaker, homemaker, or whatever else I want to call myself. Though my son was on this trip, it was made clear that my role was as chaperone first, not mother, which of course required a conscious effort on my part:). It reminded me of my trip to Squam last year, a scary yet oh so worthy chance at seeing beneath and between the layers of self. The Teton trip helped me remember someone I once was in a different time. It helped me see the children I was chaperoning beyond their roles of student, son/daughter, and friend, enhancing their individualities, their personalities, each with their own hurdles and burdens to overcome. There, with the backdrop that only nature and earth can provide, we were exposed to the rawness and palpability of our spirits. With no familiar schedules, routines, or roles to hide behind, we found new dimensions in ourselves and in each other in those 5 days--dimensions that challenged, lifted, supported, split us apart and then brought us together again. We were changed whether we knew it or not, and we grew closer whether we wanted to or not.

And such are the gifts of chance and choice. I do believe dreams begin this way, when we open ourselves to things that we once deemed improbable, impossible, inconceivable, like hiking the AT trail or playing the banjo. Opportunities come and go, we just need to give ourselves permission to say "yes", "yes" to finding the glimmer that keeps the light of possibility in our eyes. With this, the promise of another gem awaits :)....

much love to you fellow adventurers...

xoxo

The Tetons

2013-05-10T14:51:00.002-04:00

Six kids, three chaperones, and one guide. Five days we were immersed in varying ecosystems, observing the natural and scientific processes, tracking wildlife, studying conservation, and communing with the majestic Grand Teton National Park. Unforgettable in every sense...

We hunted for all kinds of scat, animal tracks and bear rips. We found gopher trails and elk bones, conducted water tests and identified macro-invertebrates, and we created art, Andy Goldsworthy style. What I may remember the most---it snowed on us in the brightness of the sun and we walked quietly amongst wild buffalo...

Thank you to the Teton Science School for an incredible journey...

Wishing you a weekend full of adventure...

xoxo

And, now...

2013-05-08T12:30:00.000-04:00

Okay so it's been longer than "see you soon", longer than I had ever planned. I have missed this familiar, little space. I have missed writing. I have missed your writing and stealing glimpses into the lives you share. The life I've lived these past 4 weeks has had my full and complete attention. There has been enough moving stress that only chocolate and wine could soothe, followed by a wondrous journey to the Tetons as a chaperone with my son's school class. Riddled with silent moments, stunning visions, and embraceable lessons, this trip was the essence of unveiling-- things about nature, about the bustling world beyond what my urban eyes are accustomed to seeing, things about my son, about myself, about the mother I am and the mother I still strive to be. And of course, in time, I will share these thoughts with you, as I so love to do.

And so now, we are in our new home and it is finally beginning to feel like mine (as much as a rental can). There is more space to breathe, more room to roam, and even a 14 x 8 space to call my own, a workshop of sorts :). I will show you when the painting is done...

We have a seasonal creek in our backyard, one that just began to flow.
Ducks, Robins, a flurry of Goldfinches, and Northern Flickers are regular visitors to this backyard, massaging my future aspirations as a gray-haired birdwatcher. If only I was quick enough with my camera...

And now I want to say thank you. Thank you to the thoughtful souls that stopped by to say "hi", to ask so politely how I am doing, to let me know that they are still thinking of me and look forward to the next post. I am so warmed by your caring. Please know how much your words have brightened my days.

Much love to you, truly....

xoxo

This place

2013-04-04T09:34:00.000-04:00

This place...this place that we have called home for over a year....This place...this place that gave us our first taste of life in Colorado, a place where I so willingly and eagerly planted roots. This place that gave us a wonderful neighborhood full of children and kind people, a place from where we could walk or bike to the store, to trails, to dinner, or to the farmer's market downtown. This place that allowed us to watch our children play safely outside on a quiet street, to have neighbors regularly say "Hey, your kids are welcome to eat with us tonight..."

This tiny little place was never to be our forever home, but it was a place that I thought would hold us just a little longer...But now it's time to say good-bye...

I am mourning deeply my friends, for not just a home and a village, but also for a year that changed our lives completely. We are moving only a few minutes away but the loss feels so much greater. It will be a year that I will never ever forget.

So the moving insanity has found me again...
I hope to show you pics of the new place soon.

Thank you faithful readers for always coming back, knowing you are still here keeps me going and makes me smile..

see you soon

xoxo

A week in pictures

2013-04-01T09:27:00.003-04:00

I hope you've had a great week and weekend too!!

xoxo

with Amanda....

Spring break...

2013-03-26T09:52:00.000-04:00

Greetings!!!!

We are knee deep in Spring break this week: crafting, bakery dates, late night movie watching, soccer camps, drama camps and a little snow play in between (though it's starting to melt now)...

So, I 'll be spending all the extra time I can with my babes and enjoying this new Spring, Colorado style...

much love to you all this week and see you the next...

xoxo

The indispensable in-between

2013-03-21T12:33:00.001-04:00

The space between actions,

and space between thoughts,

seemingly useless,

infinitely not.

***

A flow of

active flashes fills

my nights of

sleeping.

Patchworks of memory

tied by rapid

bursts of feeling.

Timelessness,

a hollow,

rules the

gentle drifts

of dreaming.

I am the rider,

the glider,

the promising pathfinder,

the surfer swiftly turning

in between the

crushing walls of wake,

before the last swallow,

until the final take.

Scattered scraps I follow,
an invisible line that leads,
whispers of buried secrets
consume the in-between.
"Go huntress" she speaks,
"seek and Godspeed.
There are no bindings or
boundaries here,
no limits to heed.
Just you, the clouds,
and your indispensable
dreams."

"Yet it is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top."
~Virginia Woolf

And what do your dreams say to you, awake or not?

xoxoxo

The Winners of the Meet the Marks giveaway:

#6 Kim

and

#23 mb

Congratulations and please email me your addy! And thanks everyone for entering and commenting :).

xoxo

ps. Joining Bella for 52 Photos Project {distance}

Useful, at last

2013-03-19T16:03:00.002-04:00

“The greatest gift of life on the mountain is time. Time to think or not think, read or not read, scribble or not scribble -- to sleep and cook and walk in the woods, to sit and stare at the shapes of the hills. I produce nothing but words; I consumer nothing but food, a little propane, a little firewood. By being utterly useless in the calculations of the culture at large I become useful, at last, to myself.”
~ Philip Connors, The Best American Non-Required Reading 2009

xoxox

ps. One more day until giveaway..

Meet the Marks, a giveaway

2013-03-15T12:56:00.000-04:00

I don't talk about him much, mostly because he is extremely private. So when I started the blog over two years ago, it was on the condition that I don't discuss family or our private lives, show any faces, and especially, absolutely never ever ever, show his face.

Since I have broken every single rule, except the last, I figured I might as well go all in and not only show his face, but talk about this wonderful man I call Hubs.

Okay, okay, not fair. Sorry, but that's as close as he will let me show....sigh....

"To HONOR and OBEY!!!" he yells to me from upstairs...hehe...it's a good thing I can get away with almost everything else :).

Truth: If it weren't for this man I would know very little about creative passion. He was the very first person to ever tell me, and show me, that a creative life is only achieved by pushing ourselves past all the voices that want to hold us back. The voices that tell us that we aren't talented enough, imaginative enough, creative enough, ambitious enough, good enough---enough enough enough.... And the voices that tell us we need years of instruction, fancy equipment, loads of time, time without kids, more money, more studio space, more more more....The voices that tell us "well....maybe some day when..."

I think you know what I mean ;).

From day one, I have watched my husband's creative energy run and race as if a pack of wild dogs were chasing him. Sometimes he spun in circles, and other times the wind carried him far ahead of where he had ever hoped to be. His own dreams of living a creative life and earning a living based on that creative life have haunted and flaunted with him since we've known each other. And despite the heart aches, set backs, disappointments, he never quits. Never.

In 2007, in a fit of inspiration, he wrote a story for our children who were 5 and 2 at the time. He called it "Meet the Marks", about a family of punctuation marks who speak according to their designated marks. And then the story went away, stored among the masses of inspired yet forgotten files on his computer. Well, it's back, and it's printed, and now it's on Amazon here.

To birth something like this, to expose something that you've made and just put it out there for anyone to see, to judge, to hate or to love....this takes faith, courage, years of practice, and this takes creative passion. I can't tell you how proud of him I am.

Today, I will be giving away two copies of his little children's book, appropriate for ages 3-8 years old. Just leave a comment and we will choose two winners randomly next Wednesday March 20th.

Thank you for letting me shine on about my husband.....

Happy Weekend to you

xoxox

Not one bit

2013-03-12T09:13:00.000-04:00

When I'm driving down the mountain and music fills the spaces all around me
with songs like this:

Dirty Paws by Of Monsters and Men on Grooveshark

or this:

All Alright by fun. on Grooveshark

That's when the right words suddenly pour from some hidden spring buried deep within my brain. Music is the magic tap, always....

Twice in two weeks, it has come up, this wonderful life of mine. A "soccer mom" comment and a "what DO you do all day?"

Maybe it's because I look weightless, burdens safely tucked in the palm of my hand and not strapped to my back. Or maybe it's because I find joy in my living. Or maybe it's because I live like I mean it. Or maybe because I live every day with gratitude. Money does not make me happy, and managing it is my least favorite thing to do. But living like everyday is my last, that's what makes a life a good life. So hell yes, I will paint, I will write, I will take pictures, I will snowboard, hike, learn to do new things and I will do it all while being the best mom and wife that I can be, because that is what I am here to do.

To live, to love and to learn, shamelessly, earnestly, completely.

But I don't say these things out loud, even though I want to. Even though I want to let them know that we made distinct choices before our children were born, that we have paid our dues to have the life we have, to say that my life as a stay-at-home mom is the hardest thing that I have ever done, or explain away all the hours of hard work that my husband continues to do to allow me to be that stay-at-home mom, and that the relationship that we have with our children has been worth every single choice that we've ever made. No, I don't owe them guilt, shame, excuse, or explanation, not anything.

Not. one. bit. :)

xoxox

Instinct, reason, and finally clarity...

2013-03-09T17:54:00.001-05:00

Clarity.

How little you would
mean to me if
I could find and collect you
so readily...

We have come to a decision about M's schooling next year. It was a month ago when I wrote this post about her struggles with school.

Since then, and after much conversation about homeschooling, with teachers at her current school, and even with teachers from prospective schools, she and I both decided that it would be best for her to stay where she is. I have learned through these weeks of weighing in options, thoughts, feelings, and possible consequences, and weeks of conversing with her current teacher, that we are not the only ones that care about this little girl. We are not the only ones that truly appreciate her for her relentless desire to see and live in the world the way she wants to live in it. And my husband and I are not the only ones that want to give her the support, the love, and the courage to help her create her own mold, rather than try to fit in any other.

Truth:

Trust begins when we let people in.
Trust evolves because we listen, then consider that perhaps we don't have to do it alone.
Trust is established when we believe that together, we can make a difference.

I am still learning. I think the Montessori method has helped me understand that the struggles my daughter is going through are happening for a reason, and that if I just wait--be there, but just wait, she will learn and work things out on her own with consistent support and consistent communication. I think the teachers who have spent hours with my daughter have offered another perspective that only an attentive and qualified teacher could. They have impressed me with how well they know my children, and I have finally begun to trust a process not entirely in my control. I don't like to see my children struggle, but we parents know that someday somehow they will, no-- they must in order to figure themselves out, to understand how they can adapt in situations out of their own control. I can see my child struggle, offer comfort and support, but I don't have to swoop in and fix it. Someone else has got my back now, someone else has got my children's backs, and together we can work to help them learn how to help themselves, to gain the sense of accomplishment and confidence that can only be gained through facing adversity.

It does take a village, it absolutely does...

Wishing you a lovely weekend...

xoxo

A passing bird

2013-03-05T13:07:00.000-05:00

This befuddled mess, this mess I want to blame on pms, has me compressed in the imaginary walls within my mind.

I remember this place. A place where I am at the mercy of unfiltered sensations, like bullets that graze the skin no matter where I hide. This is the fear that kept me small, kept me hidden, kept me under layers and layers of thoughts that spent hours chasing it's own tail. I remember once, Crazy had me pinned to something I was not.

But that was a long time ago.
And now I know,
the blues can visit,
but Crazy doesn't live here anymore.

I like to peel dried glue off my thumbs, dried skin from sunburns, and nail polish from my nails. I watch the flakes fall and stick to my cheap red coat. I brush them off as they were never a part of me, as if they never clung to me for dear life. It's the clinging that causes suffering. It's the piling that gradually suffocates. It's the hanging on for dear life that keeps us distracted from the freedom that comes from letting it all go, from peeling the skin that we think we need so badly.

I don't shun the dark anymore.
Instead, I run with the wild in the blackest of nights...

The Dreamer by The Tallest Man on Earth on Grooveshark

xoxo

Recently...

2013-03-01T10:09:00.002-05:00

Recently...

We were in the makeup section of the store looking for face paint.

"Mom, I want you to paint a bird on my cheek."

"Well it won't be as good as that dragon the lady did last week."

"I don't care!! You'll do great Mom, it doesn't have to be perfect. By the way, these ladies are liars."

She was pointing to an ad of two cover models placed strategically next to a line of lipsticks. Their faces smooth, beautiful and clear, their lips luscious, full and shiny with pretty pink gloss on them.

"What do you mean they are liars?"

"Well, I looked at my skin and it does NOT look like that. They are liars for making people think their skin does."

Wow. There are so many layers of truth to this I didn't know where to begin.

"I know what you mean, but they look like that on purpose to try to get us to buy the makeup. They are implying that if we buy what they are wearing, we might be able to look like that."

"It's still lying."

"Yeah , I think you are right..."

Oh how I still underestimate my kids sometimes.

Recently...

The yogurt shop with the girl. Who am I kidding. It's not yogurt. It's ice cream masking as a health conscious alternative (even without all the lovely toppings). Lies, more lies!! I'm not fooled, I eat it, but I am not fooled.

Recently...
Painting, glueing, collaging, more to show soon :)...

A banjo. A borrowed banjo. A borrowed banjo recently tuned with new strings. I hear it, and I smile... A long-time dream is knocking at my door at last.

Wishing you a healthy weekend friends...

xoxo

ps. Thanks for all the well wishes for my family. Boy and hubs are on the upswing!!

It came in the night

2013-02-26T16:39:00.000-05:00

I wish I was only talking about snow, but I am not. I am talking about the flu. The dreaded flu that everyone has heard about, been wary of, and praying that they never meet this season. It found it's way into our home this past weekend, carried by my husband from his plane trip last week. I was sure that I would be immune. I've been eating kale by the bunches, taking my Fire Cider recommended by this friend, exercising, popping my vitamins, drinking water, yada yada yada. But, a virus is a virus. And it will find you if you are near it. Insert evil laugh <Muahahahahah!!> here.

YET. All those things that I have been doing have not been in vain. This virus hit me Sunday night, I was in bed all day Monday, and today, I feel...better. Tired yes, coughing yes, but much much better. Really, a one day flu? Okay, maybe 2 days, but hey, REALLY?

I wish I could say the same for my husband, and now my son. They have been hit hard and I am playing nurse interspersed with making myself honey lemon tea (my favorite sick remedy). My daughter was the only one that received the flu shot, and so far, other than a 99.5 temp, she has made it through without any other symptoms. Could the flu shot really be getting more accurate? This is our first use of the flu shot and I have to say, I think it's working.

Okay I'm finished with my flu narrative, here is what I did finish this weekend:

Some of the ideas came from a pattern, but it's all free hand baby. (I didn't make the felted zipper wallet, though I found a couple patterns on Ravelry if I was so inclined.) I like embroidery, I really do. But am I inching closer to finding voice? Or just distracting myself further with fun things? I don't know.

But sometimes we just have to do,
and make the time to learn,
to eventually find the know.

I feel like an under-ripened peach. I get impatient with the whole becoming bit, but when I pause to see what I've done, I do know that there is a process to it all, and that the process is part of a larger purpose...

My tummy hurts. I just made cupcakes with the girl and I ate some batter.

"You're still sick silly!!" says the voice in the back of my head.

Okay, I will go act sick now, lay around like under-ripened peaches and do nothing...........except maybe some knitting :) hee hee.

Virtual hugs to you my blogworld friends...

Be well...
xoxo

Harmony

2013-02-22T09:28:00.000-05:00

I looked for lots of pretty pictures to describe harmony. Beautiful colors that melt into each other, lines that draw the eyes and depths of fields that make us sigh. A Steller's Jay is a gorgeous bird isn't it? The way its black head and neck just fades into a cobalt blue.

But my mind keeps going back to another picture I took this past weekend. One of a dead and decaying tree. Bare boned, a shriveled skeleton. It must have been grand on it's finest day. Even now, as it lay lifeless and exposed, it's presence can't be denied. Still large, still looming, still...just still...

The merry-go-round, the yin and the yang, life, death, together, even in these pictures, every single one...

Harmony is here.

Joining Bella for 52 Photos Project...

Wishing you a weekend of seeing and believing...

xoxo

nirvana

2013-02-19T09:44:00.000-05:00

A weight is tied to the tongue of my thoughts lately. A strange feeling, one that use to terrify me actually. Where I am all emotion and no words surface to explain it away to make it manageable. It has taken me years but I understand now.

This space is a place where I am suppose to do nothing but feel.

Natural.
Necessary.
Urgent.

It means there are emotions here that have gathered like stars, stars that have become attracted to and spin around each other. They swarm in the space where all souls begin, in the chest, near the heart, and above the pit of our stomachs. Where breath begins and ends, where the beating of our heart commands everything else. A space a million miles away from our heads.

Once they gather, an energy emerges that vibrates outward, traveling from that soul space, trickling through the organs, across blood vessels and nerves, and finally leaping through my skin, radiating out the tiny hairs like sparks from a sparkler, gathering speed, gathering momentum....

And suddenly, I am alight.
I am without thought,
and my limbs have an indomitable urge to move,
to dance, to spin, to stomp, to jump.

There is no need to fight it, no reason to resist.
With my underbelly exposed, I extend my arms, close my eyes,
and I flow...

I am the stars, I am the light
I am the emotion,
and I feel everything without judgement or thought

in this space, in this beautiful space where no words exist, where my body moves to
express what I am...

this, for me, is nirvana...

Glósóli by Sigur Rós on Grooveshark

xoxo

a collection

2013-02-15T10:24:00.000-05:00

Lately, reading books has swiftly been replaced by making them instead. It's growing, my little collection of handmade goodness. I'm learning all sorts of wonderful things about papers, 4th century stitches, and how to patina copper for covers. I am enveloped in a romance with deckled edges, dreaming of design possibilities, and have realized a fitting yet dangerous outlet for my paper addiction.

Sewing and I have had a complicated relationship. I've always liked sewing, but I've never been keenly drawn to making clothes, bags, or curtains, (despite my efforts to try). I've written about my mother being a sewer and having loved it so much, but I've always wondered what has been missing to keep me from loving it as she did. Now, I think I know. Paper. I had never known until now the soothing and meditative effects of sewing thread through paper, by hand and by machine. Yes, I believe there are other plans in store for me with sewing :).

On a completely unrelated, random, but delightful note, a white blanket of fat, fluffy flakes fell all afternoon yesterday. My in-laws are flying in today to stay over this long weekend, and I am happy to welcome them with a proper Colorado snowfall. So I'm off to put a roast in the crock pot and to make a steaming cup of green tea...

I haven't had much time to stop and comment as much as I like to, but I will find my way to your spaces soon. I am thinking of you friends and may your weekend bring you peace and delight...

xoxo

All too brief

2013-02-13T09:52:00.000-05:00

All too brief are the moments that hold me still. I sweep by the cat knowing he begs for my attention. I turn and see him gazing at me with those large green eyes. Soul gazers... that is what they are.

As I sat and watched you in your piano lesson, I didn't see a 10 year old. I saw a 2 year old, with the same eager smile, the same playful energy, the same long lashes that would soak with tears if I left your sight. My own eyes begin to well and my vision blurs--"No!" I thought, not here, not in front of your piano teacher, you would be so embarrassed! But you must know, I won't tell you now, but one day you must know, that my heart bursts with love and pride for the boy you have become, for the man I know you will be...
I look away until I'm sure my eyes are dry, pull out the checkbook, and write.

So much to hold, so much to embrace, all of it, far too brief.

xoxo

ps. Thank you all for your comments of support and experience on my last post. I am grateful for every single one...

If I Were

There are lots of ways to dance and
to spin, sometimes it just starts my
feet first then my entire body, I am
spinning no one can see it but it is
happening. I am so glad to be alive,
I am so glad to be loving and loved.
Even if I were close to the finish,
even if I were at my final breath, I
would be here to take a stand, bereft
of such astonishments, but for them.

If I were a Sufi for sure I would be
one of the spinning kind.

From A Thousand Mornings, Mary Oliver

Instinct and reason

2013-02-11T16:25:00.003-05:00

When it comes to my kids, I am quite proud. I'm not just proud of them, I am proud of all the changes and growth that we have accomplished together. I am proud of our relationship and how close we've become. I am proud of the work that my husband and I have put into parenting, unlearning damaging patterns, and replacing them with respectful, loving ones.

I've also become somewhat presumptuous. I trust in the connection that I have with my children and trust that my intuition has helped me grow acutely aware of anomalous changes or troubles. I have become quite confident that I can face any parenting challenge, because you see, I have X-ray vision and can see under the surface of my children's behaviors (and many times other kids). I read my kids' actions like a mystery novel and often can have the culprit/source of the behavior uncovered within minutes. I look at the situation, try to understand the emotions that arise from the situation, step back then analyze the big picture so that I can start helping the kids implement solutions. Yes, there is just a teensy bit of Sherlock Holmes pride here, eensy weensy.

So when my daughter began complaining about school, telling me things like "I don't like school", or "I don't have any friends", or "no one likes me", it got my attention. Now, of course children complain. Children can be so dramatic as you know (especially my girl), but because I trust and respect what they are feeling, and I also believe they are honest reflections of what is happening inside, I listen to every complaint and weigh them against with what is happening all around them.

I have written about my daughter many times. She is a sensitive soul with a powerful imagination. Knowing exactly who she is and what she wants has always been her strength. When she is unhappy, annoyed, tired, sick, overwhelmed, together we usually can figure out why. But, especially in the last month or so, I've noticed my girl struggling with something big. I have honed in on those feelings and have been trying to understand them ever since. I think she is struggling with structure. I think she is struggling with conformity and rules. She is struggling with not being fed creatively, at least not in the way she hungers for anyway. She is struggling with realizing that the days of staying at home with mom, following her passions all day long without hindrance or interruption have disappeared, she is struggling with not being able to do what she wants when she wants, because she is now in a setting very different from the one she's had for several years before.

Most kids go through this I know. But do most kids begin to doubt themselves in the process? Do most kids began to see themselves as not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough? Do most kids go from confident and self-loving to distraught, moody and self-critical? Comparison and competition are unavoidable in a system where children are placed in a room together for 6 hours a day. I won't say that I didn't know this might happen, but the emotions and reactions that have grown out of my daughter from these experiences have hit me harder than I expected. And the boy? He has not had any of these issues, at all, confirming what I've known all along. The system is not made for everyone. Most of us don't question, we just follow instruction. We conform and accept because it is the norm, and because we can conform. But what about those that know intuitively that they can't, and truly don't want to, and struggle terribly because they try against their true nature? What about the kids that know themselves well enough to say "Mom, I didn't learn to read because of school, I learned to read because I was getting older"? What about the ones that begin to not like themselves because of the growing rift between who they know themselves to be and who they think society wants them to become?

I am still grappling with this one, I am. I see her struggling and my first instinct is to pull her out of school and homeschool again. I want to protect her self-esteem. I want to continue to nurture the light in her that causes her to rebel against the norm. I want to let her continue to live in her brilliantly, imaginative world of mythical creatures and stories than have to table them for math and learning how to read a clock. I want to put healing cream on all the little bumps and bruises that she gets from feeling like she is different from every one else, from peer troubles, from feelings of rejection, from having to do things that she earnestly doesn't want to do (and isn't sure why she has to do them at all). Most importantly, I want her to love herself, as much as I love the bright, sparkling being that she is. And if something is in the way of her doing that, whatever it is I want to pick it up and remove it, blow it up, disintegrate it.

And Reason? Reason says this is part of growing up. Reason says that at some point kids have to adapt. Reason says that this is how we all learn that the world does not revolve on what we want, that we have to learn to struggle in order to get stronger, to understand ourselves better, to problem-solve, to grow. My daughter will eventually have to learn to adjust. She will run into struggles because she will never be the eager beaver student that does what she is told when she is told, memorize what she is told to memorize, or thrive on praise or competition. She will be the girl that wears wings to school, looking for the next exit.

And Sherlock is no where to be seen, and not giving me the answers as clearly as I want them. Instinct tells me one thing and reason tells me another. And what is my daughter telling me? She says she would homeschool again, but that she would miss some things like her friends (yes the same ones she said she doesn't have), seeing her brother, and recess. My reservations have to do with isolation, (something she is very good at, something that could do more harm than good) and with delaying the inevitable. She will have to learn some way somehow how she fits into this world, with all of her out-of-the box quirkiness, in school or at home.

So there you have it, the tornado that I am spinning in. I have not found answers yet but I suspect they will come. I suspect the writing is on the wall and my xray vision needs adjusting. And when it is adjusted, you will be the first to know...

Monday Monday....
xoxox

ps. I know some people might think that instinct is the way to go, but for me instinct and intuition are two different things. From experience my first initial reaction is not necessarily always the best choice. Instinct makes us mothers, but reason, experience and intuition make us great mothers.

As always, thanks for reading...

Swirl

2013-02-08T09:49:00.003-05:00

Emotions are swirling in my little corner of the world. Much to process, some hesitation to share...but I will be back to do so soon....

Meanwhile have a beautiful weekend....

xoxo

Gobble gobble...

2013-02-04T14:34:00.001-05:00

I did. I gobbled the weekend right up. Everything about the last two days was slow and intentional, just as I hoped it would be. With a boy who embroidered his favorite bear (his first attempt ever) and a Girl Scout stopping by with ~~her~~ my thin mints, can I really ask for anything better? Ok, one more thing, a clean and shiny car via the rainbow car wash. The kids love it-- who needs Disney World?

Hope your weekend was just as sweet...

Monday Love

xoxo

Weekending with Amanda...

the dance floor

2013-02-01T10:44:00.001-05:00

Simple.

I will be dancing
with her this weekend,
twirling her around
in my fingers,
and sashaying arm and arm
with her around our wooden floor,
dust bunnies not too far behind.

I will do what needs to be done
without over-thinking,
without overdoing,
without resenting
that both kids are sick again,
that the Mr. is sick, too...

Because it's Friday,
because it's February,
because the sun is out,
because I can still write to you
and tell you what I'm thinking...

Because mindfully shooting our life through a lens
opens a brand new door,
reminding me that even with sniffles,
fevers, and stomach pains,
I can still invite
happy,
grateful,
and
simple
to prance along
our dance floor.

Wishing you a happy and healthy weekend with a little dancing in between :)....

xoxo

when you can't see in front of you

2013-01-31T15:18:00.003-05:00

Driving in snow is a new thing for me. But, driving in snow down a mountain when visibility equates to a thick white curtain of nothing is terrifying :)!!! When I get nervous behind the wheel, I shut off the music or book I'm listening to, place both hands on the wheel, breathe deeply and slow down, waaaay down (thankfully no one else was around to curse or roll their eyes at my snail's pace).

That's when the silence took over. Soon white sheets of snow flurries danced and spun in circles in front of my car, like someone just shook us in a snow globe. It's eerie to watch nature mind its own business while we worry away our lives. But when we are forced to be silent and focus on just one thing, everything slows down. And steadily within 15 minutes, I was completely clear, in my head and outside my car.

It really is that simple isn't it. When you can't see in front of you, when your wondering if the next gust is going to pick you up and send you over the edge, when panic wants to set in with maniacal messages prepared for your head and body-- just. slow. down.

Silence + acute focus + slowing down = peace, clearer thinking, and patience.

Not that I plan on regularly driving in white out conditions to remind me of these things, hehe...

Speaking of peace and calm, have you heard of Lotus Wei? I learned about these flower essences from this wonderful lady, and my order was waiting for me after I arrived home yesterday from the snow globe. So far I have used Inspired Action, Quiet Mind, and Inner Peace and I have to tell you I love them, even for just the scents alone. They even have journals you can download off their site so you can record if and how your mood changes using these essences and their combinations. If only I had them with me this past weekend, I would have made each of us bathe in them :)!

Cheers to you and Thursday

xoxo

I wish I could blame it on the moon.

2013-01-28T20:04:00.000-05:00

I wish I could say
it was a perfect weekend full
of happy days and gentle evenings.
But, it wasn't.

I wish I could say
there was harmony and joy
between us all and that I laughed
more than I cried.
But I didn't.

I wish I could blame it
on the full moon for emotions running high
and erratic wolfman-like behavior.
But, I won't.

What lays buried underneath
is not content being hidden,
shushed, ignored, or forgotten.
It will soon hunt air
to take a long, deep breath...

And so it breathed...

It exhaled rocky moments and sad moments,
paused...
then spewed out moments filled
with doubts, difficult truths and hard resentments.

And so we remembered...

Perfection does not live here.
Neither does denial, or perpetual anger.
What lives here is my beautifully, imperfect family
full of love, tears and laughter,
and an earnest willingness to
forgive, heal, and love again...

And so we grew,
and so we breathed,
and then together,
we howled at the moon...

Monday love.....

xoxo

Weekending...