Wandering in the Savage Garden

Rainy Days and Fish Tacos

2011-08-13T15:17:00.004-04:00

I was hoping that I would beat the odds and not get sick, even though everyone else in the household is. Sounds like a TB ward in here. However, that creepy sore throat feeling has been plaguing me for a couple days now. Be gone sickness!

My goal for this weekend is to make a big batch of Fish Tacos. Now I know what you're thinking. But they are so good. And when you make them at home, you can control how you make them. I got them from a Mexican restaurant called On the Border a couple times and then thought I would look up the nutritional content. I'm thinking "Fish is healthy! It's got vegetables, it has to be alright!" I was floored.

2,100 calories
130 g fat 169 g carbs
4,750 mg sodium

There is a way you can make them a little less destructive if you get them at the restaurant. Ask for grilled fish, choose the corn tortillas instead of flour (they're lower in calories and higher in fiber), and swap out the rice for grilled vegetables.

Here is my recipe. The grilled or baked fish is much better for you. I am also going to use some homemade Roasted Corn Black Bean Salsa on top :drooling: :

Fish Tacos

Your choice of crunchy or grilled fish fillets

Soft taco sized flour or corn tortillas

Bag of cole slaw mix or shredded cabbage

Pico de gallo, packaged or homemade

Lime

Sauce

1/2 cup Mayonnaise

1/2 cup Sour Cream

1 small jalapeno or other pepper, chopped

1 large avocado, chopped

Juice of one lime

Handful of fresh cilantro

1 clove fresh garlic, chopped

1-2 teaspoons taco seasoning or a mix of chili powder, cumin, cayenne & paprika, salt, pepper

Blend in food processor or blender. Optional: Chill for one hour.

Bake or grill fish. Heat Tortillas as directed.

Fill with fish and top with cabbage, pico de gallo and drizzle with sauce to taste.

Top with another squeeze of lime and enjoy!

Thunderstorms in the forecast for the next 3 days. Looks like more time in gym and less time outside. That's ok, I'm looking forward to hiking in the Fall and cooler weather. What is your favorite time of the year for outdoor activities?

Addition: A couple other healthy substitutions: You can use low-fat varieties and cut the mayo and sour cream in half and add half a cup of plain yogurt.

Attack of the Lactic Acid Fermentation

2011-08-11T20:18:00.005-04:00

I guess it's a pretty sure sign I was doing something right as my muscles are still aching today. Part of my 30-day free trial at my new gym is several visits with a personal trainer. So when I got to the gym yesterday, I was nervous but ready to go. I have never worked with a trainer before, but a couple years ago my friend Stacey and I were regularly going to Hot Yoga. There was one instructor that was extremely "helpful". He was constantly coming over and bending and adjusting you. Yes, that is what you want when you are soaked with sweat, some perfectly toned yoga guy coming over and putting his hands on you. Neither Stacey or I were what you would call skinny, so when you have a fat thigh or a boob in the way, there is only so far you can bend. I always felt really self-conscious. So of course, I was worried about how this personal training session would go. But no worries, he didn't show up! I guess you get what you pay for right?

I ended up doing my own thing which ended up being about a 15 warm-up with stretching and 10 minutes on the treadmill, about 45 minutes doing the upper body, abs and back circuits (with the hip abductor machine thrown in for good measure) and 20 minutes on the Elliptical. I am fairly confident in my ability to do these basic things but I was looking forward to some direction in terms of routines and I would love to learn how to use the big scary machine the muscle guys use. I have another appointment with him tomorrow, so that is the plan. I will hopefully be going 4-5 times per week during this free trial month and then I can decide if I want to keep it up.

I am also trying to remember to take all my vitamins everyday and eat a probiotic dark chocolate bar. I like Attune. I will eat my dark chocolate if I HAVE to.

I have been drinking fabulous smoothies after my workouts and they are ridiculously easy and make you feel amazing. Here's a basic recipe (serves 2):

6 oz. dark berry juice(cranberry, pomegranate, etc)
6 oz. milk (regular, soy, almond)
1 cup frozen blueberries
1 banana (fresh or frozen, in chunks)
2 scoops Vanilla Whey Protein Powder
A couple ice cubes

Optional:
1-2 Tablespoons any Yogurt
1 Tablespoon Ground Flax Seeds

Enjoy!!

Begin at the Beginning

2011-08-10T14:00:00.005-04:00

So here we are again. Starting another round of healthy living. Or rather, embarking on the idea of living a more healthy lifestyle from now on. Partly because having moved back to Delaware about 2 weeks ago now, I am still in the process of job searching. This gives me much more time than I am used to to devote to non-work things. It's been fabulous to spend time with my family after being away for a year and I'm hoping to get to see all my wonderful friends and their TODDLERS (no longer babies!) very soon. I am not freaking out about not finding a job yet, but hopefully this little break will get me back in the right headspace to figure out and conquer what comes next. I am open to whatever the Universe has in store for me.

So a week into being home, I was eating all kinds of snacky foods, drinking caffeine at night, basically grazing on whatever was around all day. I realized that I was in vacation mode! That Margaritaville, devil-may-care frame of mind where nothing matters and calories don't count anymore. I had to snap out of it. I started walking at a couple local parks and it felt amazing. I knew that I was definitely missing the physical side of getting healthy. I had lost weight, but was still very much "out of shape."

About two years ago, I was at my heaviest weight ever. When the scale went over 190, I was horrified. I had tried tons of weightloss programs and diets. I have had success with plans like The South Beach Die t but the weight always crept back on. I decided to try one more tactic, since my own self-control and motivation just kept failing me. I heard about a meal plan called eDiets, it had been featured on Biggest Loser and I had read a lot of good reviews. Unlike Nutrisystem, whose freeze-dried eggs and chicken in pouches made me want to gag, eDiet's meals came freshly prepared and were delivered in a cooler every week. Now, let me be honest and say this is by no means the cheapest option. It averaged about $99 a week for 5 days of meals. However, I looked at what I was spending on eating out several times a week, stops at Wawa, Starbucks runs and bar nights and FOR ME, as a working, unmarried, no children woman, knocking at the door of my 30s, I decided it was worth it.

Each day consisted of 3 meals and a snack, with you supplementing a couple fruits and a dairy. I usually added grapefruit and 2% string cheese. When you first see the meals, you will think "Um, where is the rest?" The smaller portions were definitely an adjustment but I was able to go on the website and pick the meals that I liked the best. It was idiot-proof. You ate what they sent you. I did the 5 day plan since I figured I would likely need to be flexible for a few meals each week, I would just need to make good choices. And...I did! I did the meal plan for about 6 weeks and I lost around 15 pounds. After that though, was the magic part. I had a completely changed attitude about food. It wasn't about dieting or starving myself, or not eating the things I liked anymore. I craved healthier options. The huge portion sizes and over-indulgence we all have become completely numb to were so obvious to me every where I went. The idea of eating piles of sugar and transfats and processed garbage just grossed me out. I had a mental shift in my relationship with food.

And I can say that 2 years later, that shift has stuck with me. I reached my goal weight of 150 (148 as of today!) and am now ready to get physical again! When I had 40 pounds to lose, it seemed insurmountable. And so many people have much more than that to lose. I want to be healthy. I want my joints to last me forever. I want to be able to breath and sleep better and be active whenever I choose. I want this for all of you too. I want it for my mom and my brother. I want it for my boyfriend. You deserve to feel good in your own skin. I used to tell girls that I counseled at my old office "You only have one body and one brain. You have to take care of them now. You are worth treating yourself well."

I joined a local gym, have scoped out more local walking trails (we are SO lucky to have so many beautiful places here in Delaware, you probably have a County park in your neighborhood) and am getting my tennis racket ready. My goals are pretty simple: Feel stronger, inspire those around me, be brave enough to do new things. Like running (terrified), singing again (my first love) and getting a job I love and can feel passionate about (so ready). Will you join me?? I am going to try and blog regularly and would love to hear stories, tips, challenges about others journeys.

If you are interested in trying eDiets, make sure you search for "eDiets Promo Codes" online. There are currently 25% off and free shipping promotions. And let me know if you have any questions. Until next time: Be healthy, take care of yourself and don't forget to be grateful for something today. Namaste.

Pending and Current Storminess

2010-09-02T20:49:00.003-04:00

Apparently we are battening down the hatches for some crazy weather starting tomorrow night. There could be 60 mile an hour winds and 3 inches of rain! Hopefully, it won't start until I get home from work tomorrow afternoon and will end before I have to be up for work on Saturday. But it should be fun to watch a crazy storm.

My credit card account went all bizarre with balances transferring and weird charges and I couldn't tell what was going on. When I went online, I found out that they had upgraded my account and had switched it to a whole new card number. Now I can't get my Microsoft Money account ledger to balance and have no idea what's going on. The customer service guy said it was a good thing and I wasn't being charged anything additional but I can't make heads nor tails of it. I spent way too much money moving and can't wait to catch up and pay down my credit card. HATE how big my balance got so fast.

The new home is still getting there. I need more shelving and an Entertainment Center. But the cats love it and it's a great location. I'm close to so much fun stuff. The job is definitely a huge undertaking but such an amazing opportunity. I am a little homesick but am still glad I came.

Goals include: Fostering a Captain Picard Attitude at work, eating healthy and getting enough sleep, getting a budget back on track and paying off credit card debt ASAP.

News

2010-06-21T20:55:00.002-04:00

Without further ado, here is the official announcement:

I will be moving to Providence, Rhode Island on July 20th, 2010!

It's just really funny and strange the way things happen sometimes. I had been job searching for the last few years and had been on several interviews without anything clicking. I was fortunate enough to find my current job and escape where I had been before, as I had absolutely hit a wall there and needed to move on. While my job now is for a great organization and with some wonderful people, I just wasn't feeling it. I was functioning below my capacity and just didn't think it was a role that I was going to be able to stay in for a long time.

SO, just for fun, I sent a resume to this position I saw on the Feminist Majority Foundation's job board. It was director of a women's health center in Providence, RI. I thought "Huh! Of all the places in the world!" since Providence is where my mom's family is and near a bunch of friends from my first year in college. And that it sounds like THE JOB I went to school for and that all my experience has been prepping me for. So, I sent it. And within a day I got a response asking me if I could come to their local office for an interview. The interview went incredibly well and it just so happened I was going up to Providence the following weekend for a friend's Renaissance Faire and my Aunt's birthday. So they scheduled me to tour the center and have a phone interview with the management consultant that has been helping to get the center merged with this new management company. Those also both went amazing well and when I got back, I met with the CFO and one of the owners and they offered me the job! It was just the most clear, smooth process ever. Friends and family were thrilled and offered me all kinds of help and hospitality if I were to come up. It was just as if the Universe was flashing a big, neon sign pointing me in the direction of Rhode Island. All the pieces just came together. And when that happens, how could you possibly say no??

It's an amazing opportunity to do great things and be in a place close to my parent's hearts and a chance for a whole new set of adventures. I loved being in New England for college that one year and going back had always been a little possibility in the back of my mind. Of course, it's terrifying as well. And just the thought of all of the accounts, cards, contacts, alumni listings, mailing lists, etc that I am going to have to change makes my head spin. Moving that far away is way different from moving between Wilmington and Newark!!

It will be a little sad to be further from my family here and my amazing friends and their new families, but we're so lucky we are in the age of Facebook and Skype and text messages, so they will never be far away in that regard. And the fact that I will be making more money certainly doesn't hurt and will hopefully mean I can fly back for a weekend now and then. And of course, be around for holidays and important events.

So, I will let everyone know where I end up living, I will hopefully know by next weekend!

Follicular Trauma

2010-05-20T21:29:00.002-04:00

Well, my haircut was so traumatic that I had to eat an ice cream sandwich. And then I remembered (my mom reminded me) that every haircut I get is traumatic because I so thoroughly hate my hair. I always think "Maybe this will be the time she'll spin me around to look in the mirror and I will look smart, sexy, professional, confident, prompt..." I suppose that is a lot to expect of a haircut. But a girl can hope.

But sadly, it never is. Even poor Michele, my stylist, looked defeated. She was was trying to stay positive and actually said "So you just keep scrunching like this and it will look like....a big frizzy mess. Ok, let's try something else." So she then tries using a round brush with the blow dryer. And this is how I know my hair is hopeless: It actually attempted Seppuku mid-style, by leaping into the vent of the hair dryer. Michele and another stylist had to unwind my hair from the fan.

It wasn't Michele's fault. I was a difficult canvas to work with. I love the color and we'll see what happens tomorrow when I wash it and attempt some scrunching with wave-boosting mouse. At the very least, I tried something completely new and I did get to have a glass of wine at the salon and hang out with all the rich cougars in Greenville. That was pretty fun.

But now I know for sure, I can go to Supercuts and pay $12 bucks for a haircut I will love/hate just as much.

Wake-up Call

2010-05-06T22:05:00.002-04:00

Some unpacking from today:

I drank way too much soda, not enough water
I got a lot done at work, making me feel really useful for the first time since I started
I sang on-the-spot at choir practice that, while on the edge of terror and humiliation, actually sounded pretty good
I have not gotten home before 8:30 a single night this week
Payday on the 15th and the last day of the month can really suck on a paycheck to paycheck kind of month
Spending money thoughtlessly catches up with you very quickly
If I don't make time to workout everyday, I lose some of the strength I have gained immediately, which just makes it harder to restart
Hurting someones feelings just all around sucks, no matter the intention
You can't pin all your plans and hopes on potentiality, sometimes the present reality must rule
The heart wants what the heart wants
Losing weight is awesome...until you have no pants or bras that fit and no wardrobe replacement budget
Kitty sneezing fits are adorable
I have less than 2 months to make a decision about where I'm going to live after August
Music is healing
Planning downtime to recharge is necessary

Grumblings

2010-04-13T19:44:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure what was going on at work today, but I'm thinking there was a contagious case of Tourette's going around. Everyone was walking around cursing under there breath all day. I would be sitting at my desk and hear obscenities coming from 3 different directions. The fact that I'm in a cubicle in the middle of the office means I can pretty much hear everything anyway. Guess it was that kind of day for a lot of people!

I was insatiably hungry all day. I've been plateaued on my diet for the last couple weeks. I haven't gained any fortunately, but haven't lost any more. I know it's because I haven't had much time or energy to work out. I MUST get into some activity routine. Irritatingly, the Zumba classes in the area all start at like 4:00 or 4:30, long before I get out of work. There's a yoga class that I've done before that I would love to do, but it doesn't start until 7:30 and goes until 9:00, which feels really late 2 nights a week. I could rejoin the gym down the street, where classes are included for $25 bucks. Or I could join the Y, which my friend Stacy loves, but it's like $50 :-( I just need to decide what I can handle and make a decision.

Compromised by having a salad and a kids meal sized chicken finger meal for dinner. Definitely not the BEST choice, but it was sooo satisfying and not the worst choice either. (Ok and some peanut M&Ms). My tummy just needed some comfort food. OK, the INSIDE of my tummy, not the OUTSIDE.

As beautiful as a shiny flower

2010-04-06T20:04:00.004-04:00

This was something a 4- year old I met this weekend said I was. It was very super cute. She actually helped restore some of my belief that children can be sweet and well adjusted and normal. What a sweetheart!

Today, after feeling in the diet doldrums, I had to go to Rita's for some sugar-free water ice. There was a pretty long line, but I decided that it was worth it. I was very annoyed at the number of people that, instead of parking in the parking lot that was all of 15 feet away, PULLED OVER in the fire lane and parked right in front of the store. Is it that walking that 15 feet from a parking space to wait in line for frozen calories would be too much? It was just a very slothful thing to witness. Fortunately, I was uplifted by the hundreds of people out walking and playing at Glasgow Park yesterday. Our country really needs to get it's priorities in line!

I would normally never get cherry, but that was the sugar-free flavor. As it turns out, it was sooo yummy and reminded me of summers at the pool at our apartment when I was really little. Nice memories.

15 measly pounds to go to get to my goal weight. Then my plan is to get a new tattoo to celebrate!! I'll be taking suggestions!

Spring Forward

2010-03-20T17:04:00.002-04:00

I did a totally unspring-like thing today, which was to make chicken soup. I sort of got trapped because I bought a chicken with an expiring gift certificate, and then decided I needed to cook it since it wasn't frozen, then needed to use the carcass to make chicken stock, then needed to make the soup since the stock had been sitting there for a couple days and I decided that if I froze it, it would probably never see the light of day again.

SO I made a big pot of soup with a lot of aromatic vegetables and no starch. I figure it will be a healthy option to mix in with my eDiet meals and the rest I will take over to my parents and they can add noodles or something. The diet itself is going really well. I have lost about 11 pounds in three weeks and have even been working out semi-regularly. It does make a difference, I feel stronger, my skin is clearer, and it has certainly inspired me not to cheat. I still have a fairly long way to go, but at least I'm seeing progress.

Starting Again

2010-03-06T19:04:00.002-05:00

Which part is harder? Starting something? Or maintaining it?

Diets, cleaning, craft projects, relationships. All hard to start, all hard to maintain.

Or are they? Why does it seem like some people have an effortless ability to visualize and achieve something, and for others even big obstacles roll right off their back. I have felt like my coping skills have began to significantly wain over the past year. And maybe it's a sign of the times we are living in. No one is coping as well as they used to and life is just too damn hard sometimes!

BUT I digress: I am starting diet #317 (or at least it feels like it). I have been on it for 4 days and have lost 4 pounds. I have even exercised twice. I'm actually feeling better already and hoping that this is something I can really stick to for at least 8 weeks. After that, as long as I have made as much progress as I hope to, I will stop "dieting" and start just living and making much better choices.

Realistic Goal: 28 pounds
Optimistic Goal: 43 pounds

The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum

2010-02-17T22:47:00.002-05:00

Murphy's Law

That about sums it all up for now.

But after being smashed into by two possibly insured immigrants in a borrowed car, having two friends come be the best morale support I could ask for, waiting in the cold, dealing with unsympathetic policemen, fighting traffic, talking to the insurance company, being assessed at the walk-in clinic and losing all the progress I've made with the Chiropractor in the last month, I got to witness weirdness that reminds me I am still glad I am me:

Waiting at the counter at Happy Harry's to buy a massive bottle of Advil, I watched as a very angry, approximately 8 month pregnant woman with very red, recently waxed eyebrows screamed at the cashier about how absurd it was to card her for cigarettes when she obviously was older than 18 and came in there to buy cigarettes all the time and that their policy to card anyone who looks under 30 was crazy. Sure, honey, you are DEFINITELY one to preach sanity.

A 2010 Epistle

2010-01-06T22:45:00.004-05:00

I am so LAME for not writing in 4 months!!

That being said, I have about 5 million things going on in my life. So just for fun, I will list them along with the corresponding category of leading causes of stress according to stress researchers:

Finances: Bought a new car. A gorgeous 2010 Kia Forte, it's fun and I call it my robot car because it has Bluetooth, Satellite Radio and I can plug my iPod into it. I am now paying rent for a two bedroom apartment on my own. I have an uncomfortable amount of student loan debt that has gone into repayment.
Work: I will not go into details about what was driving me over the edge at my last job, but after 7 years I am leaving PP and will be starting with Delaware Guidance! It was a fantastic opportunity to help create a new position. I am going to be the administrative Team Leader for the Wilmington and Newark offices. (Hate the title, going to work on that) Basically, I'll be managing all the nonclinical support staff. Job changes are stressful, even if a good thing.
Family: My mother had a total hip replacement in December. It was absolutely necessary and will vastly improve the quality of her life but unfortunately she lost her job because of it. Completely ridiculous in my opinion, that they can fire someone for using the benefits they pay for, to get a necessary medical procedure. I worry about my brother and his health. He is so smart, I just wish he would pull his life together and take care of himself.
Personal Concerns: What the hell does that mean? I hate my skin and the texture of my hair. Does that count? The world is a scary place. Fox News exists. I fear I'll never be able to buy a house. Sarah Palin's book was on the best seller list. I could go on.
Personal Health: This is a fun one. My neck has been completely locked and painful for a week. I tried pain meds but the pain kept coming back. I went to the Chiropractor for the first time today. The doctor was actually shocked by my X-ray. My neck is so completely wrecked that my spine actually curves in the OPPOSITE direction than it should. He wasn't sure how my spinal cord wasn't being compressed in such a way that I would be suffering neurological problems. I am going to be in intensive treatment for the next month. Ouch.
Personal Relationships: The end of any relationship is difficult. But my last relationship was emotionally draining. I know I can't be responsible for anyone but myself, but I still feel really sad that I couldn't make things better. It was never going to happen, I know this now, and I can't feel guilty for the choices others make. Doesn't really make it easier though.
Death: My maternal grandmother died a couple weeks ago, following a long illness. Watching her fade away was an intense experience, but ultimately made her passing easier to cope with. There wasn't much of her left. It was like the last trace of her Liz Claiborne perfume finally drifted away. I am happy and grateful she went peacefully and is no longer suffering. I am at peace with it completely. But what makes me afraid, is that it opens the door to the other side and will start the process of losing my other grandparents. And it means my parents are that much closer to aging. And that I'm one year closer to 30 and I'm alone. Eek.

HOWEVER: I think that I have been instilled with a great sense of fortitude against challenges and adversities. I am not whining and I am not giving up. I am so blessed to have the friends and family that I have. I am lucky to have a great education, a great car and a great new job. I am lucky to have a comfortable apartment and the best kitties in the world. I am lucky to have my physical health and mental well-being.

All you can really do is forge on, and have faith that the Universe will bring itself back into alignment. I am ready for change and ready for the new adventures and relationships that 2010 will bring me. So Happy New Year to all and never forget, now more than ever, to count your blessings and to say I love you when you have the chance.

Loans up to my eyeballs

2009-09-19T17:56:00.002-04:00

Just when I thought I had all my student loan details hammered out...
I consolidated all my grad school loans through the US Dept of Education. HOPEFULLY getting in on some sweet forgiveness goodness, should that pan out. OR so I thought. I get a notice from one student loan lender who says they will cheerfully begin my repayments soon. I just logged on to their website and one of my loans didn't get consolidated! I am now shuddering about taking the extra money left over after tuition for living expenses. My monthly payment is going to be gross, once this last loan gets lumped in there, which I reeeealllly hope it still can be, it said I have up to 180 days after the first consolidation went through to add other loans. The crappy part though, is that the interest rate is actually higher than it was on two of the loans I consolidated. If I really pay the standard monthly payment, I am going to be paying thousands of dollars in interest.

I know that there are Public Service loan forgiveness plans in the works. I also know there is a new Income Based Repayment plan. Does anyone have any experience with it yet? I am going to wait until this last loan gets processed and consolidated and then probably try and apply. It certainly couldn't hurt and hopefully I'll stay in the non-profit field long enough to qualify for the forgiveness!!

Ouch

2009-09-07T00:41:00.002-04:00

So in an absolute Ben Stiller movie moment in my life, I decided to get my eyebrows waxed this morning on the way to the beach to meet some friends. As I was leaving the place, I was thinking "Hmm, it seems to be burning more than usual. It's probably just because I was out in the sun yesterday." So I get in my car, go to Happy Harry's to get a couple things, come back out to my car and look in the visor mirror...and my eyebrows are ringed by searing, red welts. It was horrendous. I'm going to the beach for the first time this year to see some friends I haven't seen in ages and I look absolutely ridiculous. I considered canceling but didn't want to be flaky. So I ran back into HH, bought some witch hazel and went back to my apartment. I took a benadryl, in case it was allergic reaction and put a bag of frozen Brussels sprouts wrapped in a towel on my face. The icing helped a little, so I was encouraged. I kept putting witch hazel on them, which burned terribly. All in all, didn't solve it and I still had a blotchy, red face when I got there.

Fortunately, they were nice people and if I did look terrifying, they didn't let on. And I did have a really good time at the beach. I think I might put the sprouts back on to go to bed.

Melting

2009-08-18T21:14:00.002-04:00

Tonight, there was the most fantastic thunderstorm. I watched lightning bolt after lightning bolt shatter the sky. It was so beautiful. Unfortunately, it didn't make it that much cooler! It is so humid right now, the A/C is blowing non-stop. Can't wait to see this bill, yikes! Of course, we were spoiled by not having to run it all in June and moderately in July. I just hate hot weather. Would rather be snuggled up in a big sweater or under blankets. Come on, Fall!!

Runes and Musings

2009-08-16T21:20:00.002-04:00

I am looking for some Berkana Runes to give all my pregnant friends, but of course, no where I went today had them, so I am going to have to give my initial pregnancy gift to them without them. Hopefully, I can track them down. It is interesting having the majority of the people I know being pregnant. I am truly thrilled for all of them, but it makes me start to wonder about my own fertility and about whether or not I am meant to have children someday. I'm not trying and don't really feel like I am in a place to try right now. But what I worry is what if the right time never comes? I guess I will always have kitty children and will be a kickass aunt to all my friends children. Is that going to be enough?

In the meantime, I am searching for my next job and trying to get healthier. Hoping to lose 40 pounds through moderation and cutting out as much processed food as possible. I don't think I could stomach a prepacked meal plan with the freeze-dried everything. It is such a hassle to think about having to cook for three meals a day. So I will try and make healthy compromises when I can. I need to try and remember how worth it it will feel to be thinner and healthy.

Changing Times

2009-07-15T20:49:00.002-04:00

I am going up to Rhode Island this weekend to visit with my grandmother who is very sick. It may very well be the last time I see her. Mortality is really hard to contemplate when you try and think about how you are going to deal with the circumstances of the deaths of your own loved ones. It's easy enough to say "I can be at peace with it because everybody dies and it's a part of life." I have also thought "Death may be a parting, but it's really a time to celebrate the life of the person who has moved on." However, I have never lost anyone very close to me, so it is all still very abstract.

I remember when my great-grandmother died, but I was very little so it was distant. I remember when a boy in my fith grade class died of Leukemia and we went to his funeral, that was a bit surreal. Several older people I was pretty close to at some point from church have died recently and that came the closest. It was powerful to think that that person will never occupy space in the world ever again. They are completely and totally gone. I still think that way about Nemo, sometimes. I know it's not quite the same, but the fact I will never get to kiss his nose ever again still makes me cry once in awhile.

It will be great to see my family and spend some time together. First family road trip in more than a decade. I will be drawing a line on the backseat that my brother can't cross, just in case.

Skin Battle: Differin and Aczone

2009-06-28T21:54:00.002-04:00

I have no idea how blogs work exactly, but I figure if someone searches for those terms, this might pop up.

I have been struggling with acne since my mid-20s. Odd, since I had pretty great skin in my teens. I have tried several different treatments, including oral antibiotics, Retin-A and over the counter treatment regimens (Proactive, etc). Being on birth control pills seems to help for awhile but then my skin revolts and gets bad again. It seems to improve for a time after switching pills but then the breakouts recur. I have most recently been prescribed Aczone in the morning and Differin gel at bedtime. I have been using them for almost a month now and only washing my face with Cerave cleanser. I noticed almost an immediate improvement in the texture of my skin overall and a huge reduction in the angry outbreak on my forehead. I have also had minimal dryness and peeling, which is a change from previous treatments.

After a few weeks of improvement, I am now experiencing a flare-up. Several cysts and a couple pimples. It also also done almost nothing for blackheads around my nose and lips. The Aczone literature says it can show noticable results in 2 weeks, but Differin states up to 12 weeks. So I'm hoping I'm still in the improving stage. Thinking about trying Yaz, but I have a deductible health insurance plan, which I usually love, but currently I get my pills for free from work. Free is better than not free.

Anyway, just want to record that and see if any other skin people read and have comments. If you are one of the few friends who may read this, sorry for grossing you out!

Vacation: Time to rethink

2009-06-01T09:22:00.002-04:00

I am on vacation all week with no big plans which is fabulous. I am sitting at my computer with the window open and a beautiful cool breeze blowing in thinking about what things I do want to accomplish while I have some time. I am formulating a new healthy life plan: Cutting out the bad things (fast food, soda) and adding back the good ones (regular attendance at the gym, cooking more meals at home). I have set goals about losing weight, paying off my credit card and saving money. I feel like concrete goals are easier to take steps to attain than general ideas, right?

I watched a few minutes of a lifecoach last night on TV talking about his system called "Excuses Begone!" It was basically asking you to challenge your negative self-talk and replace it with positive self-talk. For example: "I can't lose weight because it will be really difficult and I don't have the time." Are you 100% sure it will be really difficult and you won't have the time? No, that may or may not be true. "Losing weight will be easy and I will have the time." Are you 100% sure that's true? No, but it may or may not be true as well. So if those thoughts both have an equal chance of being true, why would you internalize the one that gives you no chance to reach your goal over the thought that does potentially move you closer to your goal?

Am I going to pay $300 for the system? No, and I am 100% sure of that! But it was engaging enough to get me thinking about it. So I am hoping to really do it this time, rather than think about how I could do it and keep putting it off.

Dissonance

2009-05-06T21:16:00.002-04:00

Dissonant is my favorite word this week. It's also the current theme of my life. I am confused and furious as to why a certain decision was made at work and how being the turtle in this race, slow and steady is getting me no where. I can't comprehend the playing of a vicious game being the real way to get ahead in life. Can I refuse to accept it, or is it not optional if I hope to move forward. I need a reset button.

Early to bed...

2009-03-30T21:31:00.002-04:00

I am going to bed. By 10pm. I must recharge. I had a wonderful weekend, but it was exhausting.

Thursday: Work 8-4:30, mad dash from Dover to Newark. Class from 5:30-8:30.
Friday: Doctors appointment, then Brunch and Border's with my mom who is back from out of state. It was so nice!!
Saturday: Worked (yeah, sucky) but then dinner and wine and relaxing with two wonderful girl friends from work. I was out until 1:00am!! I NEVER do that anymore.
Sunday: Pampered Chef Party where everyone was married with children except for me. I had great time and bought a vegetable chopper I'm very excited about. But I almost felt like I should run out and play with the kids. Oh, well. Most of the time I like not having such obligations. And sometimes I feel wistful.

It was great to have some dedicated girl time. I love my boyfriend very much. I like his band and friends that we hang out with. And I love all my friends and their spouses. It's just not quite the same. Maybe it's just always different when you "grow up." People have primary responsibility to their husbands and families and friendships just aren't quite the same. If I ever get married, I absolutely have some good friends I would want to be bridesmaids. But I would be hard pressed to think of someone currently in my life I would truly consider a best friend. I am still getting over the burn of not being asked to be in my one female cousins wedding. What the crap? There are only two of us who are girls. I had always just assumed when I got married she would obviously be in my wedding. Then of course she is 6 years younger than me and getting married first, so shows where assuming gets you. That's ok, more time for drinking and being a liberal hell-bound, birth control taking, gay loving sinner!!

Um, plump?

2009-02-27T22:19:00.004-05:00

"The strangely successful Zellweger is normally a size 6. However, when filming her twice reprised role as Bridget Jones in the eponymous movie franchise, she balloons up to plump 14. Zellweger is currently packing the weight back on for a third installment of a movie that only women watch." - popcrunch.com

As a self-defined "chubby" girl I am well-aware of the media distortions and unrealistic expectations encouraged by Hollywood and the press. I think it's ridiculous, but I don't necessarily get worked up by it. This picture really flummoxed me though because the first picture looks like a scary anti-eating disorder ad (look at her clavicle!) and in the second picture, I think Renee looks absolutely beautiful and certainly not "ballooned up" to any grotesque proportion. They finally banned models that were too thin in Paris last year. I hope that trend continues. I have young girls who come to my office on diets and taking weight loss pills. It is SO mentally and physically unhealthy for teenagers, whose bodies and brains are still developing.

I mean, seriously, EW!

Two Thoughts

2009-02-25T22:04:00.003-05:00

Two Random Thoughts for Today:

1. MMM Bop, great song. Me and another woman broke out in spontaneous singing along and almost dancing in the grocery store aisle when it came on.

2. I miss Nemo very much, some sad song made me think of him and it made me cry. I love my kitties very much, but it's still hard to be without him sometimes. This is an ornament I made for the memorial tree Windcrest Animal hospital does every Christmas. I thought it was a very nice gesture for them to ask us to contribute.

Persona non grata

2009-02-18T18:06:00.003-05:00

This is what I have decided I am at work.

There are so many things I have been left out of the loop on in the past couple weeks, I can't even recount them all. It is just one flaming dysfunction after another. I am someone who is detail oriented and am very possessive of my office which I have been managing for almost 5 years. Things seem to be slipping out of my control at a conspiracy level. Here's one anecdote that was more funny than anything else:

The new media person called me to say she was coming down to do an interview with a newspaper. I said "Great! I have been doing most of the downstate interviews, so I'm glad you're on board to do it." She said "...Oh...No one told me that." I said "Well, I've been through the media training and everything, but it's not my favorite thing in the world, so it's great that you can come down" And she said "YES....I prefer to do it." And I wanted to say "Whatever, bite me, you can do everything" but I just said "Great!" Then she said "Let me give you my extension" and I said sure, even though it's the same as the LAST 2 people that have been in her position. Then when she actually came down her demeanor was sort of terse and odd with the interviewer and she had me answer a lot of the questions about our services since she's been working here for all of 5 minutes. So I tried to soften our delivery and connect with the interview and I think it went well. I might be in the Delaware State News paper tomorrow. So we chatted for a little bit and she says "Let me give you my card" Now keep in mind, I've worked for this organization for over 6 years, and have outlasted a large number of people in the administrative office. Not to mention I'm constantly there for meetings and committees. I stared at her for a moment and said "Um, I know where you are" And she said "Oh, that's right, you've probably been there."

Are you kidding me? I felt trampled upon and unappreciated before, but now there are so many new people they are going to assume I just fell off the turnip truck rather than being one of the most knowledgeable people in medical services? I am counting down the days. Time for a glass of wine and a good cry.