Waning Woman

I can wear my presurgery clothes. How they fit is another story

2012-03-01T13:34:00.001-06:00

How are yall doing today. I am having the best day ever. Like SERIOUSLY!!! I slept good, Miss E missed the bus and I didn't even act up about it, went to the gym and had an incredible workout, told a weirdo to "fuck off" without feeling bad about it or letting it piss me off. Nothing is going to ruin my high. I'm walking on sunshine, yall. Not even this malfunctioning "n" key on my netbook is bothering me. FYI, if you ask me to do something dirty and I reply "o", that is not an excited affirmation-my keyboard is jacked up.
Anyway, don't forget to enter the Lactose Free Yoplait Giveaway here. Winner chosen Monday.

This was supposed to be yesterday's Wordless Wednesday post, but I ended up having to take my little cousin to the doctor. So here ya go.

The clothes I wore the day of my consultation.

What I have on right now.

Winning.

Lactose Free Yoplait Yogurt- Review and Giveaway

2012-02-23T16:17:00.000-06:00

I've always been a wee bit lactose intolerant. Give me something dairy on an empty stomach and its like two broke, pregnant hookers, fighting over the last john during the closing shift at the Gravid Donkey Saloon and Massage Parlor. "My babay need some SIMILAC!!!" Talk about a rumble! Anyway, on a stomach with some food in it, it's smooth sailing.
While mine has pretty much stayed the same, a lot of people develop lactose intolerance after weight loss surgery. One friend in particular has tried everything from hemp milk, rice milk, soy milk, almond milk, gravid donkey milk all in an attempt to have dairy in her life again. Whether you've had weight loss surgery or not, lactose intolerance is an enormous pain (pun totally intended)
Yoplait has come to the rescue with their new 99% fat free, lactose free yogurt!

It comes in 4 flavors, French Vanilla, Strawberry, Cherry, and Peach! Walmart only had Strawberry and French Vanilla so I picked them up using this 30 cent off coupon and headed back to the house so that I could try them. I peeled back the lid, dove in with my spoon, and took a big taste.
It tastes just like regular Yoplait! That's a really good thing.

Empty = BUENO!!!

Every cup has 50% of the daily value of calcium, vitamin A and D, and no artificial sweeteners. The protein/carb ratio may not make it an ideal choice for wlsers to reach for every day, but it certainly is a treat worth making room for every now and then if you're lactose intolerant.

Sooo to celebrate National Lactose Intolerance Month, you'll have a chance to win this super cool, super snazzy, super super, prize kit. I have one of my own and now you yourself can run around and be just as super super as I am. This bag is actually big enough to fit a pair of my super super heels inside. Don't try this at home, kids. Stick to yogurt and other healthful treats.

Super Super insulated bag, two gel packs, spoon, bowl, and a coupon for free yogurt!

For your chance to win comment with the flavor of Yoplait Lactose Free that you'd most like to try!

For addition entries....
Like the Yoplait Lactose Free FB page. +1
Like the Waning Woman FB page +1
Post about this giveaway on your blog +1
Follow me on Twitter +1
Follow Yoplait on Twitter+1
Follow my blog with subscription or Google Friend Connect.+1
Tweet about this giveaway. Make sure to mention @yoplaityogurt @waningwoman so I know you did it. + as many times as you want.
Get Yoplait Lactose Free ROCKS!!! tattooed somewhere on your body and you get infinite entries.

Make sure you come back to this post and tell me in the comments when you do something so I know how many entries to give you. If you already follow me somewhere you get the extra entries, you don't have to be a noobie. But make sure you tell me in the comments. Don't just assume that I know. When you assume, well you know what they say. Just leave ME out of it. lol

Good Luck!

Disclosure: Prize pack, information and giveaway have been provided by Yoplait through MyBlogSpark.

My two year surgiversary

2012-02-21T16:20:00.002-06:00

Sunday, February 19th was the two year anniversary of my VSG surgery. Because it was a very special, momentous day I felt like I needed to say something profound.
I needed to pen something reflective and pensive.
Something that could capture the immensity of the change that has happened in my life.
Something that could splendidly tell my story.

Then I realized that I didn't have to do any of that.
On February 19, I lived my story.

I walked without tiring.
I enjoyed the company of a magnificent friend that I met on my journey.
I navigated the streets of the Bishops Arts Distrct happy and smiliing.
I enjoyed the company of friends and strangers without fear of judgement.
I ran, and danced, and....
I had a beautiful day.
I've been having lots of beautiful days.
I know that I will have many, many more.

img source

Dallas Hot Chocolate 15k/5k

2012-02-17T15:43:00.000-06:00

No, that's not my pseudonym on YouCanBuyMyLove.com or the amount I charge for 15 or 5 minute girlfriend experience. No the real, even more unbelievable answer is that is the name of a 5k that I did on Saturday morning!!!
Working out is one thing, giving people my hard earned money to go run in the cold is quite another. It was cold, and miserable, and you know what? I had an absolutely fantastic time with my friends. I would have never signed up for this of my own volition. Peer pressure isn't always a bad thing.

I'm a ninjeskimo. I'm not to be played with.

So I woke up at Godknowwhen o'clock and rode up to meet, Michelle at the DART station so that we could ride in together. That was an experience in itself. The last time I was on public transportation was well into the Antebamam period (look that up in the Waning Woman Komplete Kompendium of Pseudohistorical eras) and I was living in Washington Heights.
Miraculously, we made it to Fairpark unscathed, and met up with Angela and Shana.
To make a long story, really short, Michelle kicked ass with her best 5k time ever!!!!! Shana beat my ass, and Angela rajalked (run/jog/walked) with my ass. It was great crossing the finish line and having my people there to cheer me on. I love these guys.

Shana!!!

Michelle. This woman makes me want to do better :)

It's my girls. I totally heart them. Angela's in the white.

This experience was incredibly amazing and I'm a loss for words. I was floating on cloud 536 ( up where the flying saucers are. That's waaay past 9) all weekend long.

I'll be doing it again.

Should you work out if you're sick...

2012-02-07T18:17:00.000-06:00

I'll answer that question towards the end of this blog post, but before I get to answering questions, I have an announcement to make.

The World Is Ending.

If you have savings bonds, Beanie Babies, or any old ass gold teeth laying around, its time to cash them shits in! Finish off your bucket list,-screw a couple of hookers, run nekkid on the beach, slap your boss in the mouth. Have a debauched good time, and then dip your toe in the holy water of forgiveness just as the Sun goes all supernova on our asses. The world is coming to an end because its 2012, but that's not until December. The world is clocking out early because I got my ass up off of this permadent in the couch and have started working out again.


I totally could have chosen a different picture of a woman working out. But I'm childish. hehehe

One morning I woke up, and the Mysterious Case of the Nojo was just gone! I started out by downloading the RunKeeper app for my Android and just taking off around the neighborhood. I did two miles and was feeling great and amped to do it for the next day. The next day came, but I was bombarded with a slew of things I had to get done and I wasn't finished until well after sundown. Sundown meant that there would be NO walking around the neighborhood for me, but I had to do something. Sooo I went to the gym and got a membership. w00t!
So while my recent physical activity has burgeoned the commencement of the Apocalypse, it has also made me sicker than a dog. And yes, I'm blaming the exercise and not the bajillions of microbes floating around in my enviroment. We have talked about this before. So this takes us right back to the question at the beginning of the post. Should you exercise if you're sick??

I consulted the Waning Woman Komplete Kompedium of Pseudoscientifical Knowledge and Faux Facts (and Facebook!) and this is what I found out. Remember I'm not a doctor and I don't play one on TV, but I can fill out a sexy nurse uniform like nobody's business,
One of my FB friends LilMissDiva, a super hardcore exerciser who is ROCKING her sleeve, told me that unless her doctor tells her not to workout, she's gonna work out. That's dedication. Since I didn't go to the doctor, I can conclude that I am in the clear. If I'm sick enough to go to the doctor, working out won't even be a question or not.
Sneezing, runny nose, scratchy throat and mild congestion shouldn't be enough to derail your work out plans according to the Neck Up Rule. While they may foil your plans for a marathon makeout session, training for an actual marathon should be no problem. If your problems are below the neck, chest congestion, productive cough, etc, it is recommended that you lay off of the exercise until those symptoms subside.
I had below the neck, under the neck, around the neck, on top of the neck, inside the neck symptoms and while I wasn't anywhere close to 100% I figured if I could get off of the couch and I wasn't dehydrated, I would just be using sick as an excuse to not go to the gym. Just use a little common sense, read what your body is trying to tell you, and take it easy. I did, and I didn't die......the world is still coming to an end though.

Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Guess who won the GFC giveaway.?

2012-02-03T12:59:00.001-06:00

Wait for it it!

Wait for it!

Woohoo. Mel, you are the winner!

Thanks to all of you who entered and stay tuned for my next appreciation drawing. I "big puffy heart with a slice of cake on the side" you guys.

Workout shoes and Busy Bees

2012-02-02T19:02:00.000-06:00

I've had a crazy day (I've driven close to 120 miles around Dallas) and I thought I would have time to blog. Somehow the day managed to just get away from me. Please forgive me for not blogging today.

I gotta jump on this workout train before it leaves the station and I'm sitting here another 4 months waiting for a ticket :) About to get it while the getting is good.

Early Morning Nausea and Chocolate

2012-01-27T11:36:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I woke up to the rain drumming on the roof and the wind whispering to the cold telling it to come under the crack in the garage door and into my house. I cranked up the electric blanket, feebly attempting to ward off the conspiratorial acts of the wind and rain and little body insulation. This triumvirate of chilliness bore down one me and I figured it was best a make a retreat to a room with carpeted floors and a little better insulation.

On the way, I reached into the pantry to grab one of my favorite RTD protein shakes and I popped it open, drinking it as I shuffled down the hallway. I hadn't made it all the way to the room, when I tinge of nausea reared its head in my belly. "Oh, shit," I thought to myself. "Well, maybe I just need to get this taste out of my mouth. Let me have a few of these fruit snacks that The Kid just randomly left in the room." (Everybody knows that you need an excuse to eat fruit snacks) Well, I noshed greedily on the artificially colored, cartoon shaped, high fructose nuggets but surprisingly (or not), much to my chagrin, the little suckers didn't work.
The little tinge of nausea wasn't so little anymore.
It was a living breathing organism surging in my belly.
-Like a whole bunch of tiny bugs moving in sync-
a semisentient, zombie colony with one unified goal- GETTING THE HELL UP OUTTA MY BODY!


This is about as cute as it gets for vomit pics. Google and see for yourself.

Somebody turned the spigot in my mouth and jammed the damn thing! All I could do was lean over the sink and pray to Porcelareus, God of the Loo. For me, the nausea is way worse than the actual evacuation of the stomach contents, so I begged to just get it over with.

I heaved and hurled the slightly curdled shake out of my body, but that wasn't the worst part.

You know how delicious chocolate is when its rolling around your palate, coating your taste buds with rich decadence.
Sinfully, achingly, good.

Take the inverse of that, and that's how awfully, terrifically, fuckedly, gross chocolate is coming back up the other way.
Sinfully, achingly, HORRIFIC!

I'm more serious than a heart attack when I tell you that chocolate has to be the WORST THING IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE TO THROW UP!!!! AND YES I AM USING ALL CAPS CAUSE ITS THAT SERIOUS!!!!! I'm certain that the only thing worse is actual shit.

The taste of the chocolate coming back up was enough to cause a cascade of muscle spasm inducing dry heaves. Oh God, my eyes are watering just talking about it. I really think I gotta stop talking about it. The phantom taste of upchucked chocolate is making me a little...ugh...yeah.

NEVER throw up chocolate.

I'm done here.

CC image courtesy of Ray Larabie in Flickr

Fage Greek Yogurt and my Sleeve

2012-01-24T21:51:00.003-06:00

I haven't forgotten about the drawing for my Google Friend Connect Peeps. I've been busy, busy, with my mother in law in town. As far as mothers-in-law go, she's a good one, but I'm not sure there is such a thing as a stress free m-i-l visit.
Sooooooo, I was in Target today meandering aimlessly in the food section. We didn't really need anything, it was just an outing for my mother in law, so I was just kinda wandering around. Picking up this, reading that, audibly gasping at the price of that!?....I finally made my way to the dairy section and my nosy eyes kept a-moving until they happened upon the Greek yogurt.
I've tried it before, and I wasn't something that made my tastebuds tingle. Well, it did, but not in a good way. To me, it tasted like eating spoonfuls of sour cream............. Wait! ding! ding! ding! ding!......... That's when a lightbulb went off!
I said to myself, "Self, you don't dislike sour cream just cause you can't eat it by the spoonful. You like it in dips, on your tacos. Self, you've got to look at Greek yogurt in a different way!"
You don't hate mustard cause it sucks as a pasta sauce and you don't hate KY, wait you do hate KY, its Astroglide that you love. Anyway, back to the dairy section...You know what I'm getting at.
So I picked up the 2%, cause you know ya girl don't do fat free. Not my dairy, not my meat, not my anything. The only thing I do fat free is fruit. Anyway, the 7 ounce portion size was just enough that it wouldn't be a waste if I decided to give it a flying scissor kick right up outta my kitchen AND at 99 cents, I didn't have to dip into my bbq fund to get it.
So tonight, I sliced up a Pink Lady apple, the best apple ever created and dipped it into the yogurt. I've got to say, it was pretty freaking good.! The apple was just sweet enough and the yogurt was just tart enough and the marriage of the two was as wonderful as Kim and Kris. Well maybe marriage isn't the best term. But to make a short story even shorter, if you don't like Greek yogurt, try it with something else. You might be surprised.

23 months post op VSG...

2012-01-18T19:23:00.002-06:00

Wordless Wednesday

disclaimer: no chairs were harmed in the filming of this project

A little gift for my Google Friend Connect peeps...

2012-01-12T11:30:00.001-06:00

I noticed last week that my followers, Google Friend Connect, had surpassed 150. As a token of appreciation, I'll be having a giveaway on my blog. This will be out of my own pocket, so I can't guarantee that it will have an MSRP greater than a few bucks and I can't guarantee that it will arrive before the summer, but I got you! lol

No tweeting, no incessant posting all over the interwebs will be necessary for your extra chances to win. The only thing you need to do to get extra entries to this giveaway, is to be a follower. Comment on this post to be entered and tell me if you're new follower or you've been around the block with me.

1 entry- commenting

2 entries-commenting as NEW follower

3 entries-commenting as a triple og, platinium certified, ride or die, Bonnie and Clyde follower since the early days of Sleevie Wonder...or since 1/12/2012 at 11:00

eta. Oh yeah, if you're a subscriber, you get the same benefits as the GFC peeps. :)

Tell me how many entries you get.

Image: Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Move it, Bessie!

2012-01-11T17:57:00.001-06:00

I've been doing really well with my low carbing. I have been on a debauched carnivorous rampage, dispatching every single piece of beef that comes my way. Like a ravenous lion, if it oinks, moos, or clucks, I have been all on it.

Leafy low carb veggies? Check
Cupcakes? UN-Check

I've been a egg eatin, bbq beastin, steak slurping, chicken wing KILLER since New Years Day. I haven't had this much motivation for protein power since Atkins himself was alive. So why...

AM I NOT LOSING THE WEIGHT I WANT TO LOSE????

I'm sure measuring tape is low carb! Just add a little pesto

Ugh! I'd like to blame Bessie, but in this rare moment of clarity, I realize that

she's just the messenger.(Maybe this moment of clarity is actually more of a moment of "broke" and I know that I can't afford a new scale.) I'm happy that I'm still in onderland and I know that these few pounds really don't mean a thing, but that's just the rational side of my dichotomy talking. I say "just the rational side" as dismissively as one might say "Oh that's just the crazy cat lady. Pay those braless, water balloon, titties no mind. She aaalways breastfeeds the kittens." The Rational doesn't mean shit. It's the Crazy that's the trouble.

We all need a little of The Crazy to help keep ourselves balanced. If your clothes ARE too tight, sometimes a touch of The Crazy can spur you to action. If you've gained 15 lbs, a smidge of the crazy can be just enough of the kick in the ass you need. The problem with the crazy is that it can easily become unbalanced and you don't always know where the line is. Having a burst blood vessel over 1 lb is overkill.
Tripping out over 2-4 lbs?
5-10?
10-15?
At what point does it tip over from The Crazy to The Rational?

Right now my reflection is telling me that these pounds are making a noticeable difference in my appearance. Everything from my hips to face seems fuller to me and I don't really like it. Just being honest about what it is I'm feeling right now *shoulder shrug* It very well could be The Crazy, but it very well could be the case that I am bigger. The scale says I'm bigger. My eyes say I'm bigger. I mean, does Elvis himself have to swoop down from Heaven in his powder blue cadillac and slap me in the mouth with a peanut butter and banana sandwich before its true? I'm scared of ghosts anyway...even bedazzled jumpuit wearing ones. I got two outta three.
My eyes lie, but the don't always lie. They weren't lying when I busting up outta New York and company and heading to Lane Bryant. They weren't lying when I went from 18's into a whole new size bracket. They weren't lying then, so why do they have to always be lying now?

I'm not saying they're not lying, I'm not saying I'm not crazy, I'm just saying...

Image: luigi diamanti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Chike Strawberry Burst Review

2012-01-02T16:46:00.001-06:00

Confession time: I'm out of my comfort zone. My weight is higher than I'd like it to be. It's part Scarlet Crusade, part not drinking enough water, and part too much partying. And for the record, drinking wine with your eyes closed doesn't make it calorie free. Closing your eyes, is however, a great way to make lots of other things guilt free. Seriously though, I don't regret any of the fun that I had this past week, but I know that its time to check myself.

Sooo in the spirit of checking myself and in honor of the first Monday in the new year, I decided to forgo my usual breakfast of Wild Irish Rose hot chocolate topped with aerosol buttercream ( it's shake-like enough to pass) and do my liver a favor. While he is a grouch and doesn't appreciate a single thing that I do for him, my taste buds and Sleevie Wonder were muy grateful!

I think that I have found my favorite powered protein supplement. The nutrition stats are great.

190 Calories
4.5g of fat
3 g Dietary Fiber
3 g Sugar
And a WHOPPING 28 GRAMS OF PROTEIN!

Because you only mix it with 7 ounces of water, this would be perfect for new post ops who have a very limited stomach capacity.

I've had powdered shakes and some RTD shakes that tasted like they had cement as one of the ingredients. Chike, however, had absolutely no grit at all. It was rich with a nice mouthfeel and even the non-wlsers in the household really liked the taste.
There was a really nice strawberry kick (I think one of my toofs might be loose). There is nothing puny about the flavor in this ridiculously great shake and Strawberry Burst is indeed a suitable name. It's an ass kicking powerhouse, so you better take notes other companies and step up ya game!

I like Chike!

Happy Holidays

2011-12-29T15:27:00.001-06:00

I'm here. Just letting you guys know I'm enjoying some much needed family time and I'll be back SOON. I hope that you too are taking some time recharge and reset for the New Year.

Thank you all for sharing this with me. I wouldn't be what I am without you.

This isn't a good thing...

2011-12-21T09:10:00.001-06:00

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!?????!!!!!!!

Hit and run. This is accident number 5 for the year. None of them my fault. I'm done.

High Protein and High Flavor

2011-12-19T12:24:00.001-06:00

We're low carbing it up around here in the Waning Woman household. PT decided that he wanted to revisit Dr. Atkins for a few weeks to shed some poundage before the new year, so I've been doing some low carb pantry stuffing. .............That sounds a little dirty.

Before surgery, Atkins was the eating plan that I used the first time I lost a major amount of weight so I know it does work. I really don't have to do it, but this morning I wanted eat low carb. My weight isn't up or anything, I'm doing quite well actually (hooray for me), but I guess my body knows what it needs.

According to The Rules, Low Carb/Atkins/Paleo/Protein First is the way that I should be eating post op and quite honestly if you're creative or rich enough, its not a bad way to eat. There are a lot of really delicious high protein goodies. Beef ribs are a prime example.
If you've been following me on facebook then you know I am absolutely addicted to Lockhart Smokehouse and I go there at least twice a week. I'm seriously gonna have to start donating plasma cause that place is gonna break me! You know what, an even better idea than selling plasma, is selling off my used (and licked!) cupcake wrappers on supplymyfreakyfetish.org. I do it all for the ~~nookie~~ beef rib.

In no particular order, here are a few more of my high protein/ low carb faves!

Ribeye- It's SO delicious I think it may actually comes from the rib of a baby, angel cows.

Lobster- Oh, how I do love lobster.You never really hear me talk about it cause its a sore subject, so I take the outta sight outta mind approach. The last time I attempted to eat lobster on my canned oyster budget there were charges of petty larceny, a "Banned from Pappadeaux for LIFE" distinction, I'm still sensitive about that. Moving on...

Brisket- Smoked or herb roasted in the oven for hours, this hunk of bovine perfection never fails to satisfy my tastebuds. Unless, of course, you suck at making it.

Pernil- This garlicky, sticky pork roast is the best thing to happen to pig since pancakes and bacon cupcakes. (they really do sell those at the bakery by my house ). I'd eat more of it, but being the loser that he is, PT doesn't eat pork and the cut of meat for pernil is pretty big. I love it, but The Kid and I can't eat that much.

All of this talking about food has got me hungry. Ah, who the hell am I kidding? That's just an excuse. I'm always thinking about food. The difference is now instead of daydreaming about trips to my next drive through while at a drive through, I think about beef ribs. Now, I do more whole eating and I've scaled waaaaay back on the processed stuff. I still enjoy the occasional cupcake, but instead of a big box store, they come from the mom and pop bakeries from around my way. Instead of Mcdonalds, gag inducing to me btw, I'll make my own burgers. Chemical filled, frozen, jalapeno poppers now make way for my very own.
What about you? Have your tastes changed a lot since surgery? What is something that you used to enjoy that now sends you running the other way?

I'm about to go enjoy this burger patty!

Food pics and Me

2011-12-14T09:19:00.000-06:00

Wordless Wednesday

Some random pics I took this week. You may have seen one of them already. ....lol

Who's that girl?

Spaghetti squash hashbrown are the TRUTH!

Taco Casa. Yes, its that serious.

Tell Me About Yourself Award

2011-12-07T07:06:00.001-06:00

Why hello, yall. I know it's been a month of Sundays since I blogged and I apologize. Life is still hurling full speed ahead and things have not slowed down one bit. In fact, as I type this I'm sitting at the hospital waiting for my friend to have one of two procedures today. I'm fine, but its gonna be a long, LONG, day.

Soo, can I tell you how freaking cold it is here in the Great State. Jesus, its Joan Crawford, cutting glare cause you used the wrong kind of hanger, cold. Heartless! I don't know who pissed off Jack Frost and caused him to have this queenie tantrum all over the United States, but whoever you are, please stop. I've got a new pair of heels that are way too fabulously high to be worn on ice. They don't do ice, but they do DO laminate, travertine, gravel, Bourbon St, floor in clubs with unidentified sticky substances, and upside down in the air. WOOHOO!

So one of my fellow wls bloggers nominated me for not one, but TWO blog awards.Since I've been busy fending off marriage proposals and shoe shopping, so I sent my assistant (an by assistant, I mean one of my underpaid, nimble fingered, workers that I pulled off of lint removal duty. How do you think my tights say so black?) to get it for me. Well he got lost and never came back, but you can't really blame an 8 year old for not knowing the cardinal directions. Soooooo, today I had to personally sashay over to Sheila at This One Body and retrieve the awards myself.

First off, I want to sincerely thank you, Sheila for ~~foolishly wearing that gnomish mind control cap that I sent you~~ nominating me. I like awards and accolades almost as much as I like shoes and cake, so you really made me smile.

So here's what I gotta do.

For both awards, I gotta thank the person who nominate me, tell you 7 facts you may or may not know about yours truly, and nominate my own set of peeps. So since number one is dunzo, lets move right on ahead to number 2.......By the way, I'm totally cheating by combining the two of them.

7 Facts You May or May Not Know About Me

I used to play the violin and I used to be really good. I don't know why I don't play any more, but I should. Maybe I'm afraid that if I pick it up again, I'll suck. Sucking is incompatible with The Waning Woman.
I can dance until I need an IV transfusion for dehyration, but if you ask me to run a mile I swear I will die. I don't know why I'm like that, but jogging and running are impossible for me. I can dance for an hour straight, no exaggeration. Put on some Michael and I'm gonna dance the soles off my my shoes. Ask me to jog a mile and I'll cast you one of those Joan Crawford side eyes. Heartless!
OMG! I think that those "Famous Bowls" at KFC look like the nastiest shit I've ever seen in my life. Looks like a hot pot of vomit. I promise, you could give me one of those for free and I would take it home and put it into the dog bowl. Now they have the nerve to put bacon on it?!? That is the most inappropriate use of bacon in the universe, and for that, they need to be flogged.
Speaking of bacon, I don't think that bacon makes everything better. Before you shoot, let me explain. I think that bacon is so great, it's one of those things that need to stand alone. That's all. I'm totally #teambacon.
This morning I tried on some size 17 Mossimo jeans and they didn't fit. Not because they were falling off, but because they were too tight in the thighs. What the hell?!
Which leads us to fact numero seis. I am bootylicious. (thank you Shawn and Travis) Personally, I think I'm more thighlicious, but that's kinda apples and pears. They're both kinda related enough. If somebody tells you you're bootylicious, you shouldn't really protest too much. Really.....There are a lot worse things than being bootylicious. Molelicious, toelicious, or NOlicious come to mind.
I hate that bitch in the Popeye's commercials with a passion that is reserved for people who've stolen something from me. She is my Flo. Every single time she gets on TV this with that sassy, Black woman voice talking about "You come to my kitchen, baby....." Look lady, if I come to your kitchen, I'm gonna snatch you up outta that minstrel show that you call a commercial and slap some sense into you with the wire basket outta the chicken fryer...............Or maybe not. I hate Chicken Annie, but a check is a check.

Sooo, now I have to pass the love around to a few friends of my own.
Shawn
Travis
Angel
Christal
Vanita
Michelle

I could add lots more, but I have to save some for my own nominees to nominate. Anyway, about to go down to this cafeteria and get some vittles. Tata for now.

Missing cups and Alternate Universes

2011-11-18T09:25:00.001-06:00


that's about as useful as a man with no...er...wallet

This morning I woke up ready to mix up my Chike so that I could do a review. After being missing for months, I found it still in it's envelope behind a big ass box of organic tomatoes, so I was a wee bit excited. I went to the cabinet to get out the snazzy shaker bottle they sent me and it was no where to be found. WHERE IN THE HELL IS MY SHAKER BOTTLE? Really? Nobody in the house is drinking protein shakes so there is no reason at all for my stuff to have been messed with. Ugh, I hate kids, and by kids I mean PT's ass too. Somebody in my house has been drinking out of it cause only the cup part is missing. The lid is sitting right there in a dark, lonely corner of my cabinet missing it's dearly beloved. Did I mention that I hate kids? And people.
And okra.
And whipped icing.
And cars with eyelashes.
And acid reflux.
AND SHAKER CUPS WITH MISSING BOTTOMS!!!!
Missing bottoms are only acceptable if you're a a kid with diaper rash or a top shelf sKripper in the middle of the graveyard shift at an all nude bar, "Jangle and Dangle"

My weight is up and I'm none too happy about it. Its not a large enough amount for me to really be worried about, but its big enough for it to slightly grate my scale obsessed brain. I know what I want to weigh, and I don't really want to be any bigger or smaller. Is that really too much to ask?
The scale hasn't been my friend ever since I went to Zumba last weekend. The following day, I had a big swoosh and Bessie hasn't been the same all week. I'm not blaming it on Zumba, I'm just using that as a reference point. It would be nice if I could blame weight gain on exercise.It would be nice if I could blame all of life's ills on exercise! What if you could stop something bad by NOT doing an exercise? Like if you wanted to immediately become more attractive, all you'd have to do is stop doing Taebo. What a novel revelation!
Broke? Stop Zumbaing.
Acne? No more elliptical.
Irritating as people wearing your nerves? Put the kibosh on all that running?
Ebola? Well, you're royally screwed on that one there buddy.
Impotence? No more leg lifts!
Anyway, I'm about to catch this flying pig to this wonderfully fantastic, alternate universe I've created. See you at the end of the rainbow!

BTV and Me

2011-11-14T14:35:00.001-06:00

...or go in these damned ricotta cakes!!!!! A bitch is thirsty.

The lovely ladies of BariatricTV.com made my Crispy Pan Fried Ricotta Cake recipe on air! They even spun the eggs ;) You should click the link and check out this really, uber cool episode.

Episode 146: Award Winning Weight Loss Surgery Recipe

Thank you so much for the support, Toni and Lynda.

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Recipes and Greatness

2011-11-10T15:31:00.001-06:00

Today has been a very productive day for me. I've been in the kitchen since I woke up furiously slaving away inventing some weight loss surgery friendly recipes. Slaving might not be the best word choice. I'm Black, but there were no whips or chains ~~in the kitchen anyway~~ or some perverted Massa looking at my sexy Nubian ass like I'm a ribeye and he's a hungry wolf. Anyway, I've been throwing stuff together like some crazy mash up of Mr. Wizard, Eggface, and Paula Deen and the results have been nothing short of legendary. But, I'm a legend, so you can't really expect anything else but greatness.

It's not a toque, but I REALLY did cook in this hat!

Part of the reason for this burst of inspiration is the fact that one of my recipes, Crispy Pan Fried Ricotta Cakes, won an award. w00t! You know what that means? My greatness doesn't exist only in this little high heeled, big haired, sashaying universe inside my head. Knowing that you're not delusional certainly does something to lift the spirits. Speaking of spirits, somebody needs to drink a gin and tonic in my honor. I'd do it, but I'm far from finished in the kitchen and in addition to taking a stand againt drunken texting, drunken volleyball I've also taken a stand against drunken cooking. It's a huge underreported problem, people.
Back to this winning thing. Does anybody want to buy me a bouquet of cupcakes and have them sent to my house? That is what you do when people win stuff, isn't it? Give them more stuff!!! When I was a student at Madame Papillon's School for Loose Women they had an art contest. My buttercream Madonna and Child Sitting at the Bus Stop Sucking on a Lollipop sculpture took top billing. In addition to the gold medal and the "This Kid is a Winner" certificate scrawled in old people's handwriting on a sheet of looseleaf paper I got a basket FULL of stuff. There was some Geritol, some denture cream (great eyelash glue btw), a couple of 5 dollar gift certificates to Sizzler, a pair of top of the line toe nail clippers, and some Gold Bond powder ( a friend told me that it was really good for carpet burn in the middle of your back. Hey, don't judge her. Where were we going to school again?)
I relive these fond memories only to tell you to send me more stuff...more!..more!...MORE!

Well, I got some shopping to do so that I can wrap up today's Krazy Kitchen Kookoff. Adios, mis amigos.

Normalcy and Unease

2011-11-02T11:17:00.000-05:00

Morning ya'll. It's been damn near a month of Sundays since I last blogged. I've been busy being a mom and trying to keep out household float. Nothing really out of the ordinary, just life....just life.

My weight has been really great. I was at my all time low weight yesterday, but after eating like a rabid zombie cow, I'm NOT at my lowest weight today. Eh, there's no way that its a real weight gain so I'm not distressed about it at all. In fact, I'm happy that I've been able to keep my weight within a few pounds of my lowest weight without really trying. I haven't exercised in a gajillion years and I've pretty much been eating whatever I want to. I should be happy that I'm able to maintain my loss with little actual effort on my part, but the truth is it feels a little uneasy.

Before surgery I had a conversation with Headlights that I remember like it happened yesterday. We were sitting at the top of her stairs talking, and I was telling her how I wished that I could be normal. I wanted to feel normal, look normal, eat a normal amount of food, shop in normal stores, fit into normal seats.....and right now I'm normal.

I don't want to obsess about what I eat or don't eat all the time, so why am I not happy that I'm cruising along on autopilot and still holding it all together. Let me clarify- I'm not sad, I'm just not elated. Not overwhelmed, not underwhelmed just "whelmed?" Normalcy is what I wanted so......

Why?

Why?

He's a fighter...a slayer.

Maybe a part of me feels like I should be fighting...something. Since the weight gain started after having The Kid, I've been battling it tooth and nail, even claw. I didn't gain weight gracefully and I was constantly on one diet plan or another trying to bail myself out of the Titanic with a bucket and a prayer. Fighting may be too strong of a word. Struggling.....floundering......flopping around like a fish gasping for air....but I was doing something.
My reality, for years now, has been focused on me trying to lose weight.
Now I'm done.
I don't have to lose more weight and more importantly, I don't want to lose more weight.
How do I transition to this new reality?

Maybe I'm a little uneasy because despite all appearances, I'm afraid I'm not normal. Maybe I'm afraid that this is all an elaborate facade and the Real Me will unzip the normal suit, step out, and ruin the normalcy that I have. The New Me, the Normal Me, the Me That I Am RIGHT NOW, feels like the real me. So why would I be scared that the Real Me is the real me? Are you following? Being unzipped like a garment bag and another entity coming out is very un-normal.

What the fuck is normal anyway? Don't we all have a touch of the crazy in one form or another?...*sigh*...I'm reaching here for answers. I don't really know and I don't have the proper training for this shit. The last degree I got was almost 10 years ago and Certified Cupcake Expert isn't worth the paper it's printed on and certainly doesn't qualify me for all of this...anyway of this.

But here it is in a nutshell-I've reached a new milestone in my life and I'm uneasy about it. I'd say that might actually be pretty normal.

Strawberry Premier Protein RTD Shake

2011-10-18T12:04:00.001-05:00

Well, if you've been reading my blog for a while, you know of my love for Premier Protein's shakes. Because I'm almost 20 months out I don't rely on them as heavily as I once did, but you can guarantee that there will always be a case of them in my house.

I've tried the chocolate, the vanilla, and now here is my review of the third shake in this trifecta of goodness!

Truth be told, I was really hoping for a small, show tune singing, strawberry to jump into my mouth and start jazzhandsing it. What I got was a slightly washed up, middle aged, crooked wig wearing, strawberry singing Tina Turner covers and chain smoking. Not as energetic, but still entertaining nonetheless.
The strawberry shake had more like the essence of strawberry and I thought that it tasted an awful lot like the vanilla. That's not a BAD thing though cause I did like the vanilla. I will repeat though, This Is Not A Bad Thing, just different than I expected.
Premier has added another solid product to their line. It isn't overly sweet, overly thick, and it has a really clean taste. The flavor actually kinda reminds me a bit of Quik and I say that in the most nostalgic way possible. I like it, I really do.

Let's look at the stats, though. These magical numbers are what sets Premier's shakes away from the rest of the bunch.

30 grams of protein
only 160 calories
1 gram of sugar
low fat
low carb

Post ops, who're dealing with limited stomach capacity need the most bang for their buck. Let's look at some math here.

Premier has 30 grams of protein in 11 ozs of liquid.
MM has 25 grams of protein in 14 ozs of liquid.
AA has 15 grams of protein in 11 ozs of liquid

So you take the grams of protein, multiply it by the exponential goodness of CAKE (everything in life as to do with cake), divide it my the numbers of times I have told you I'm lazy and inefficient minus the number of pairs of shoes in my closet, then divide by the inverse of the cube root of my fabulousness and you get something that looks like this.

Premier 2.72 grams of protein per oz
MM 1.78 grams of protein per oz
AA 1.36 grams of protein per oz.

Premier is the protein champ and packs in a ton of protein in a really small package. You would have to drink 2 of the AA shakes to get the amount of protein found in one Premier Shake.

Anyway I'm going to wrap this up by telling you that I would gladly drink any of their shakes. I support their products and I support who they are as a company. They were the only company to support me in the Walk From Obesity and that really says something. In addition to that, they have top notch customer service, so should you have problems with any shakes, send them an email and let them know. FYI, they're not paying me one cent for anything I have written here ~~although I am not above taking envelopes in clandestine meetings in seedy places~~ . I'm just showing some love to the Premier Protein peeps for the love they've shown me.

Image Source http://www.premiernutrition.com/protein-shake.html

Sacks and Seatbelts

2011-10-09T11:00:00.000-05:00

Sans Script Saturday

Yes, I put my burgers in the seat belt. They're that good. Don't judge me.

Pills and Shrinkage

2011-10-06T14:19:00.000-05:00

How are yall doing out there this fine and lovely Thursday? My noncompliant ass (we'll get more to that in just a second) is sitting around the house not doing much of anything. In fact that's pretty much been my week. Wake up, browse the web, clean the house, browse the web some more, check craigslists to see if there are are any errands boy for sale, lay back down, take my Pirin tablets, and browse the web some more. I did find a shaman on CL offering his onion blessing ceremony for dirt cheap.

Why, oh why, have I allowed my acid reflux to get out of hand? I guess that I was hoping that I was "cured" and didn't have to take my medicine anymore. It's stupid, I know, but a girl can wish. Because of my imaginary curedness, I didn't go buy any of my heavy duty ppi's and was just taking h2 blockers. Um, wrong answer, bitch. I was popping those h2 blockers multiple times a day and you're only supposed to take them twice. The kick in my ass that made me realize I needed to stop playing was when I popped that Zantac and not even an hour later my innards were burning like the panties on a meth prostitute. I wasn't sure if I needed a penicillin shot right in my throaK or Prevacid. Needless to say, I'm gonna make sure that I rein this throat burning terror back in.

TAKE ME!!!

I'm still losing weight. I've lost 5 lbs since I can back from Nola and I'm not quite sure how. I've not been to the gym, lifted one weight, counted one stitch of anything I put in my mouth...It's baffling. Five pounds used to not seem like a lot, but it's a big freaking deal at the weight I am now.
I've actually hit yet another new all time low. I count the weight that I lost on two weeks of Optifast before surgery cause I certainly earned that weight loss, so with that and surgery, I've lost just a smidge over 157 pounds. God, that's a lot of weight!

I don't know what else to say.

Image: ddpavumba / FreeDigitalPhotos.net