wanting less

It's Ugly

2020-05-18T09:49:00.001-04:00

Just continued stress here..finding out more & more behind the scenes bullsh*t about the woman who smeared us.. things involving other people that we had no idea were going on. We were set up big time..we've been "had".

I'm about done with trying anymore.. seems like for all the people i've helped , and supported all this years...all the people i have forgiven for things and let slide..all the time , energy and money thats gone into things is nothing when someone is getting slandered and accused of something so wrong and absurd. Only a few brave souls have come to our defense.

People i really trusted and thought for sure would stand up for us are staying silent and that in itself says it all. Its not as if this is a friendship or relationship issue because i would understand that. Its a very serious accusation, and can( maybe already has) completely destroyed us and the brand/venue we worked so hard to build.i WILL remember who stood up for us, and who did not.

Worse yet, some are acting like its no big deal. Just wait until one day a business or something they have put so much into gets ripped apart by one persons vicious lies. And their personal integrity is shredded in the after math of someones sick need for attention.This person has a pattern, and has done this over & over again. People like her just have no soul.No care or concern for anyone but their own temporary comfort and glory.

Part of me wants the sweet revenge of success. We can rebuild and come back with a vengeance. But the other part just wants to walk away completely . Saying Fuck you to everything and everyone. and just focus on our lives here and this property. The problem then becomes being stuck here in this area since we now OWN a place. So we wouldn't even be able to really be social anymore without underlying resentment .

I know that time will bring all of it to light. Her behavior is very similar to another "friend" i used to have, and people will eventually see that..Bt right now---I just don't even know ...

White Privilege.

2020-05-14T05:14:00.002-04:00

so, today was the ultimate shit show. I made a post on Fb about people saying they were unhappy with pa and that maybe they should move and let us happy people stay here.. i said if everyone moved i could then be queen..it was a joke...Well...

That spiraled down quickly into political stuff, which, i kind of expected but remained neutral about. BUT- then, a former poet friend of our started piping in about white privilege and how only non whites understand the system , etc Totally off topic and then accusing ME of obtaining our spot at the Parliament with our "white privilege". This escalated into an out right punch in the gut form her stating we stole the spot from her and never contacted her and all sorts of other lies and then immediately blocking us both from defending ourselves. Thankfully i took screen shots of the whole thing . Nat & i decided to resign from hosting the event . We didn't even want it in the first place.We had enough hell at the time and had even stopped our own events due to moving and financial issues.

But now, she has smeared us so badly with these lies , we will never recover. Even if we tried it would take years and i am tired of starting over in this God forsaken community. Everything i did was to help others, i gained nothing from it and spent thousands out of pocket.For almost 10 whole years. We( nat & I ) spent 3 years of blood , sweat , and tears making this venue work and because someone who asked for help and didn't follow up on their end, are blaming us for their lack of responsibility.

Worse yet, my ex has started adding comments. another gut punch.

But the worst part is knowing that because of her big mouth, and being blocked and unable to even defend ourselves, the community will only see what she presents. Not the truth, not the whole story, just her incredibly made up version of the events. The events that she played out in her own mind and decided were real. None of it even happened. We have messages , multiple witnesses and proof. But again, doesn't matter. She got her shots in .

Will this ever End?

2020-05-12T09:25:00.002-04:00

For the past week, i have been having trouble sleeping when i get home. Sometimes this lasts for hours. Yesterday i decided to finally take 1/2 a sleeping pill. I slept from about 930 a to 730p, with only getting up twice to pee. I consider that a victory . This morning, i decided rather than lay here for hours trying to sleep and getting frustrated because i would need to get up by 4 to make phone calls and runs an errand, i just stayed up and did both. I have also decided to start watching netflix for a little in bed in the mornings to help me relax. I really hope this helps.

I have to say i am getting really bored and dismayed at the ongoing political shit regarding the pandemic. I really SHOULD just get off of Facebook again but since i started selling some art lately from there it is very tough to make that call. I can usually gauge stress levels out there by watching certain people, and i know when they are finally starting to crack, that says a lot.

And it is seriously tough for me to keep my mouth shut or stay neutral around some people.I do it, but under extreme duress. It feels personal sometimes, even though i know its not directed at me. I guess i will forever be a loner.

The Crazy Days

2020-05-10T05:16:00.002-04:00

This lock down is really crazy. Every single day its like a blaze of nut jobs on the internet. My feelings are "so, what was the point of any of this?" I did what i was supposed to do, even though it was inconvenient, in order to be courteous and to keep my job, yet, anybody can do what they want with impunity.

Other than that, i am back at work again, another week. Nat and i went to Lowes, finally, and were able to take my list and price the materials we need for some house projects. We bought a few small things but i am not ready to invest in more until i am more secure in things over all financially. I took some huge hits this month unexpectedly and am still leary.

In other thoughts..been considering the fact that i am over 15 months sober, with only one actual "slip".I hate admitting that, but it happened. I regret it, but its part of the process. I also hate to admit where some of my thoughts have gone lately regarding past relationships. But again, part of a process.

Praying for some normalcy soon.

Wrong Again

2020-05-08T04:07:00.000-04:00

Today they announced that PA ( at least most of our counties) will not reopen until June 4th.Another month- ugh. There are some counties that can start but we are not one of them. My roommate was supposed to go back to work on the 15th, but now that may change again. People are getting really frustrated. She did finally receive an unemployment check ( after 8 weeks!) and it was not what they promised. A whole $240. I gave her a break from paying back Aprils rent. But i definitely need May's. My car wound up being $1000 repair , which is better than $2400, but the next day my headlight was out...it seems to never end. I paid out another $100 today to have house siding repaired. That, in addition to mortgage and i had to get groceries today( it's been 3 weeks).Also, found out last night that when i reserved my beach vacation i didn't realize it was for 2021. I will keep it though for next year. So i decided to go back to the waterfall cabin this year instead, even though they only had 4 days available.Additionally, my agency STILL hasn't straightened out my link online to sign up for health insurance. It's been 5 months since i was hired.It's been a huge hassle, and i really need dental work. My doctor rescheduled my appointment too for a 3rd time now, so i won't get any blood work until at least July.

On the plus side, things could have been worse, and the grocery store wasn't as stressful as i anticipate based on the last trip. Not many people there.And i got enough to last another 3 weeks.And I can start looking forward to going to the cabin, and painting/relaxing .I really need a vacation.Also , i was finally able to get prints made. So, i have made an extra $145 this month for art.

I so wish i could somehow go back in time to a part of my life when i was content and had less worries. I don't know when that would be but definitely before 2011. For now, i just have to be grateful for what i have . A house, a job, a car that at least runs for now, my family ( not in great shape but alive), food to eat and many things others do not have. I am grateful for my roommate and all that she is and does .

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....

Pandemic & Life Update

2020-05-02T07:20:00.002-04:00

I may be getting ahead of myself but i believe things will be slowly getting back to normal...whatever normal is. Not saying this week hasn't been tremendously stressful.

I finally got my stimulus check (1200) and a day later i got smacked with a 2400 bill for my car (a repair which had been taken in for what i thought would be something minor) . I was stunned. I networked all week trying to find alternatives because i just couldn't se paying that out. Finally, my regular mechanic guy was able to borrow the tools needed and towed my car from the dealership to his garage. He says it should only be about $900. I am praying this works and my car will be back on the road soon. I have been using Natalie's car for work so thank GOD i didn't also lose work time. Her car is at risk for being shut off suddenly for non payment so it is stressful to risk driving it anywhere ( but i have no choice) In some ways, her being laid off has been a blessing. Not only because of the car issue but she really has been doing a lot of stuff for us at the house, and has taken care of daytime stuff that would have taken me forever to get to.Plus our siding blew off the house again today..home ownership..ugh.

The last few weeks we have been loafing around on my nights off ( after laundry and errands are done) watching a Netflix series till past dawn. Makes us feel like lazy bums. But there's really not much else going on socially and we only need groceries occasionally. Tonight i visited my brother as well. He is still very thin, weaker and in pain but all of it has leveled out somewhat with treatment, so i am grateful.

I am still wondering how long it will be until the lockdowns are totally gone. I really want my vacation in June. At this point and because of everything, i will be alone the entire week. That sucks, but once Nat gets back to work she won't be able to take off. She finally got some news about her unemployment today..its been 7 weeks for her without a dime.

I have been doing some art and even have 2 small commissions coming up. If things would just open up again, i could make a little money. But i cant even get prints made right now.

My daughter has her house up for sale and just unformed me that the family will likely be spending June & July at the lake house in Virginia. Her husband is still recovering from his open heart surgery so will be on disability then will work form home for awhile.

I guess thats about it...getting ready for bed.

Thanklessness

2020-04-25T07:36:00.000-04:00

Anyway, here i sit- still wondering ( as we all are) when this damn lockdown pandemic shit will end. I just want to get back to normal one some way so i can prepare for any fall outs economically. I've been paying down my debt like crazy ( over 1,000 this month) and even have over 1200 in savings again. All my bills paid early and STILL have extra. These are the things that get me through when i don't think i can take another minute.

Tonight i shopped for my daughter & family. it took me over 2 hrs to find everything. She sent me $110 the day before via pay pal, and it came to $123. I dropped it off and helped unload it. I was exhausted.

But , as they say, my reward will be "in heaven". Guess thats all i got. I just keep doing what i do , day in , day out. While i watch people argue online and pretty much caring only about themselves , at least i know Natalie is grateful for me supporting us while she is off work with no money. She shows it everyday and cares. I don't know what i would do without her.

Undeniable Depression

2020-04-18T06:57:00.005-04:00

Just ending my second night off . Besides laundry and cooking and a few minor house cleaning things , all i have been doing is watching Netflix. Same as at work. I just cannot seem to get myself out of this damn funk. I've tried everything...setting up the art space, hanging most of our art,dragging needle work , art stuff to work, writing down ideas ..i mean i am getting stuff done that needs done, but not much else at ALL. I am just NUMB.

i feel like i have so much to express but when i sit down to write , cannot put it all into words.There's shit going on with my family ( health wise), the lockdown, and i guess..sigh..i am just mostly absorbing the stress, anxiety , and tension from everyone around me.

Maybe a list

1. i finally got my federal tax refund today. Yes, a relief, i was a bit worried that something would happen with the everything going on about the stimulus checks. I haven't gotten a stimulus check. I do expect one, but if i don't get it i am fine. Between the 2 of them i could potentially pay off a good chunk of credit card debt.

2. i have been plugging away at all of my debt - 3 cards. And i have been paying bills on time with no problems, plus have been still saving money. I am proud of all of that. If i am lucky, i will be debt free, aside from the house and car by the end of summer.

3. I still get a bit pissy reading stuff on Facebook. Mostly people who were just asking people for help with everything from food to bills, they get their checks and out spending it on bullshit- having the NERVE to post it. People complaining about not getting a check - the ones who never file taxes or pay them and pretty much have lived on handouts for most of their lives and now expect to just be given MORE.. One the other hand some of THOSE people ARE getting checks..why?- you don't pay taxes, why should you get one?

4. i worry about my brothers health. I worry about my daughter dealing with her husband's health along with being isolated with the grandkids. I worry too because the family members i am closest to in this world are concentrated into 2 separate homes and i am a part of neither home. So , with the lock down, i cant really visit..( i mean i CAN, but i don't want to push that ). If i got someone sick i would never forgive myself.

5. Natalie finally got her stimulus check. She has had no money for a month. Her unemployment still hasn't come. But they keep pushing up the date of return to work at her employment and who knows when they really will go back?I can see her becoming more depressed day by day. Its a bit different than my depression , and describing either one is impossible.

6. I don't know..it's like one day just blends into the next. There's no where to go, unless you wanna walk outside alone. I don't feel like exercising, walking, doing art, starting a project, or any of my usual stuff..not even meditating.It's like i have lost my reason to do any of it. I feel ..pointless.I had become unsocialized by choice up to now.... but not having a choice in the matter just pushes me further into the proverbial grave.

SOMETHING has to give. this endless cycle of mind numbing depression and lack of will power and motivation is killing me. I feel powerless and like all that i have done is worth nothing.In fact, i will probably even delete this because it sound so crazy and unstable. But at least i said it.

Endless Craziness

2020-04-14T05:33:00.002-04:00

Still grinding along, watching the world as i know it fall apart.It seems as if nothing will ever be the same again and it doesn't matter what anyone believes . Some are convinced this is all hoax , and perhaps some of it is.Its a bit hard for me to believe though that the ENTIRE world could just be in on a hoax at the same time and in such a short time, so there is obviously some truth to it. Others are convinced this is the zombie apocalypse and everyone is surely going to die. I am also not convinced of that.

I just cannot express how undone i feel about it. Never did i ever think i would be going through something this major in my life time, and i have been through some pretty major things. TMI...The first black president and the first reality star president....bailouts this one and the last...desert storm and other wars...the rise of the LGBT....equality issues being so extreme....and on and on...

But never something this damn surreal.

In just a months time, the entire world is on a "lockdown". Businesses are closed. Billions are unemployed. The numbers of deaths and "cases" are so in flux , no one knows what or who to believe and the conspiracy theories...oh.my.god.

On top of it all, it is an election year . So getting on Facebook is like a never ending battle to sit through sponsored ads, propaganda of enormous proportions, and people angry about the isolation, lack of money or being forced to work and "risk their lives". It is one big ball of contradictions and no one seems immune. If you are working- you resent it..if you aren't you resent it. No one is happy or neutral..and at this point, neither am i.

i am starting to be jealous of everyone who is getting to stay home while i continue to work. On one hand, i am glad i have an income. On the other, NOW unemployment is going to pay an extra $600/week to people filing on top of what they would normally get- meaning most will be making more than me and i am out there WORKING.

Some days i am ok with this. Some days i am not. Some days i just wanna stay home...but i fear losing my case, or hours. I fear trying to file unemployment because there are so many problems with it at the moment. the system is overwhelmed. And also, i wonder if i do get sick, will there be anything leftover for me? I am still waiting for my tax refund, and i haven't seen one sign of this stimulus check yet either.

The whole thing just seems completely unfair. I know i should never count other peoples money. I have a job , a car, a home, food, and utilities. I am comfortable. But that is because i work hard and pay my bills..I have worked my ass off to keep my credit clean, save $ to buy a house, and invest in it. I paid my school debt off, did everything right and when i failed, i righted myself - NOT with government help...but with blood sweat, tears , DISCIPLINE and hard work. Why...why am i not the one sitting back, taking it easy...and still getting paid?Hell, i don't even know if i will have my vacation this year.

And friends, i am always standing up for the poor. I stand for raising minimum wage and helping those less fortunate. If i am feeling this way, i cannot fathom how people feel that are die hard work ethic/no hand outs people. They are livid.

But aside from this...the isolation..the new rules, the laws and changes everyday making everyone unsure of where its going and what expectations are. It is overwhelming . Can we go to this place or that one? do we need masks? gloves? work papers? The stores now have arrows on the floor and cattle shoots ...there are plexiglass between us & the cashiers. the world as we knew it has ceased to exist. And imagining that its like this in just one months time, with a premise that it could last 18 months and get worse is just beyond conception .

Every day when i wake up and it hits me, i just don't want to get out of bed. Its like being in a sci-fi movie with no end.

I keep trying. I am surviving. But that is all. Inside, i am numb and unhinged.AGITATED.

I worry about my brother- will i be reading his eulogy? i worry about my daughter - what if her husbands heart surgery goes wrong? i worry about my son- where will he go when they move? He cannot go with them. I worry about my own future- will i ever have a partner again- someone i can love and trust and be happy with?

I wish i could cover it all here. But it would take a novel. Signing off...

The Skinny

2020-04-05T03:52:00.003-04:00

it's official. I've actually become scared of men. Not of physical abuse or rape or anything like that. But just simple intimacy or dating. In the last week or so, no less than 4 men have tried to hit me up and i did my best to nicely decline. This last one though.

About 2 weeks ago when i last saw my brother we were just chatting and his roommate upstairs came down on his way out to work asking my brother if he needed anything. He left and my brother shakes his head and says casually "he has such a crush on you"...i let it roll off my back and said i was glad someone did because I've been feeling so ugly lately. Anyway, it was nice to hear the compliment and the guy is good looking but young. Problem is, he drinks heavily and probably smokes pot as well. My brother says he "doesn't shut up when he drinks" and even if i WAS considering anything, that just doesn't work for me. I didn't think about it again but tonight the guy must have been home alone drinking and decides to start chatting me up. I was polite but i could tell where it was going and that he was drinking so i cut it short, thinking to myself- dammit, i just wanted to savor the random compliment and let it be. I never thought he would actually act on it.

The other dudes are way too old for me or not my type. I have been nice and made it clear i am Not dating or interested in it at any foreseeable time. They didn't get mad ( for a change) and i was relieved.

But after tonight i have to admit- i definitely have developed a deep fear of all of it.

On top of that, when i came to work tonight, dad made a sarcastic remark about the LGBT people and i guess expected me to laugh or agree with him. I said "hey now" and tried to walk away. He says "what?" i said "my roommate is trans" . So he says "Well, i don't care. I don't care what they wanna do with their lives but they shouldn't get any special privileges". I said" they don't want any, they just wanna be left alone". He goes on, i ignore it and pretend things are fine. But he keeps coming back to ...idk...lighten up the mood? back peddle? I'm so tired of dealing with his off color remarks , racism, and trump BS.I wasn't gonna let that one fly. at least he knows ( i hope) not to go there again.

I'm just so sick of people acting like they can go around sticking their opinions in where they aren't needed or wanted. About things they have nothing to do with and know nothing about and aren't even their business. How dare someone "assume" they want some special privileges? i haven't seen that at all...they expect nothing more than common courtesy and the exact same rights as any other american citizen.

Also, realized tonight, i am gonna say whatever the fuck i want about certain things...fuck the community i had to maintain an image for- whatever have they done for me? they couldn't give 2 shits about my life or how i am doing

There are only a few who have been super nice, supportive and kind over the years. I can count them on one hand.

All i know is right now( and for the last 4 years really) i have become exhausted trying to keep the peace and stay neutral . I am 53 years old, i moved away for a reason, and if i am ever to be happy or change my life for the better, i have to be myself.

I'll probably be alone for a long time. But i am not ready to include just anyone. Whoever i choose has to fit , to be right for me, and be a positive change( whether a friend or other).

and speaking of the skinny, my waistline is growing again with all of this virus shit. Nothing to do but work eat sleep and stay home.Ugh.

Call of the Corona Loon

2020-04-04T00:50:00.002-04:00

Shit is getting real. Almost have to laugh. The case dad here has been prowling around the house at night ( i can only assume out of boredom ). It is quite annoying. But things could be worse. At home, i watch as Natalie gets more bored by the day and frustrated with odd sleeping patterns. I can only imagine how she feels as i have at least been working regular hours and some OT.

Online, it is a shit show. As we are told ( by the state health board/nursing board) that any mask other than N65 will not block Corona particles, people are crazily making home made masks out of anything from bandanas to old socks. Some are wearing them around their own homes. It is surreal. I pretty much only see Natalie and my case family, and other than stopping for gas- no other trips . nat has been out a few times for groceries and such so i don't have to even do that. It does keep me less exposed.

My brother moved in with my mom. He had a blood transfusion yesterday and starts cancer treatment Monday. My daughter and the family will self quarantine ( for REAL- no trips anywhere not even the store or park) as of April 15th due to Tylers upcoming surgery on April 30th for his heart. I will probably only get to see the kids one more time before the entire month they will be on lockdown.Not that i have really seen them in the last month- only one time with Jonah in early march. I am supposed to visit my brother this week though on a night off. All of us are isolated 99% of the time so i don't feel its a risk.

So that is pretty much where things stand in the time of Corona. I am numb and feel like a zombie or hamster on a wheel. Every day is the same, going thru the motions. Work. Eat. Sleep.

I have no idea how long this will last.

Let there be Peace

2020-03-30T03:07:00.002-04:00

And there it is...evidence of the cold black heart that typifies so many in our society for the last 4 years. In a time when people should be coming together, being courteous and putting their feelings on the back burner that have no bearing on anything, there are still those who speak in hatred. What a waste of time & energy.

What matters? our families health & well being...being a consistently kind and giving person...live and let live...being a port in the storm.

there are those who will crumble and spend most of this time complaining , whining, and pointing fingers. I started thinking like that for a few days and guess what? Made my life & attitude even worse...so i put on my big girl pants and decided enough is enough. we have enough hatred and anger and fighting in this world. If i am not part of the solution , i am part of the problem.

What i do and who i am matters most when things get tough. It matters to those who count on me to be there, to help, and to set an example. It matters to me to maintain my integrity and sense of honor/dignity. What doesn't matter is my own unrelated feelings about politics, the personal choices of others, and day to day issues that will always be there anyway( the bills, work, house repairs, etc).

But the universe has been sending me messages and opening my eyes to what changes i need to make. Where i need to set boundaries and limits. What i will accept and tolerate. It starts with me. I will live in peace and harmony as much as possible by choice. And i will allow others to do the same.

Every day, i come to work and see the effects of what none of us could have imagined would be happening a month ago. Parents losing their tempers, children confused and acting out, people who are very sick and relying on those around them for help, people stressing about income loss. This..this is what matters.

No matter what happens , i know i will be able to say i was kind. i was true to my heart and my faith and my God. And that i prayed for this world every single day...

Back to Work

2020-03-23T01:01:00.001-04:00

Been taking on extra shifts throughout all of this. Mainly because i know my roomie is laid off indefinitely and won't have money for rent and stuff. In a capitalist world, i would kick her out. But since i am NOT, i have compassion. Wish more people did instead of everything else i am seeing out there.
I visited my brother who is very isolated . He is very thin and is tired a lot with the meds. I dropped books off at my daughters door for her & the kids while they are quarantined. I feel so helpless not being able to even see them or give anyone a hug. I will be visiting my mom as well this week. They have also been isolated. Since i only work with one family and they are quarantining as well, i am considered low risk. I am literally the only one able to get out & about, albeit in a limited capacity. so, i do what i can.

Basically its work, eat, sleep. I have gone to the store a few times but i need very little and what i do need is hard to find so pointless to go anyway. Just survive on what i have.My biggest problem is as i said- missing my family

Facebook is the same shit hole it always was, worse at times. I guess none of those people have sick family members yet so they just don't care. Many have no idea what the real deal is out there because they aren't in healthcare either and just sit behind a phone or computer - judging and acting like assholes. They don't actually know anyone who is sick. They haven't seen what it looks like. I pity them. Some day, they may find themselves faced with this horror and understand.

Dream

2020-03-18T00:38:00.001-04:00

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRAkhFjW7Fg

a reminder during the panic...

namaste!

Stupid Panic

2020-03-15T00:40:00.000-04:00

i have literally been keeping quiet about so much the past few weeks. I can barely even bring myself to write blog posts on any of my blogs.Not about recovery, weight loss, life or anything at all. I have no actual idea when i will start feeling normal again. It isn't just one thing but a hundred and almost too much to write down which is why i have avoided it. I do not want to spew negativity when that is what 90% of the world is doing right now. My problems are mine and i don't need to share.

The only thing i have mentioned online at all is that people need to stop treating other people like shit and stop being so self centered. There are those of us on the front lines( healthcare workers, etc), not cowering in our homes ..so that loved ones can be cared for, so that SOMEONE is taking a stand against the fear and not expecting everyone else to do it.It amazes me how many are putting down others for "not" staying home because we "don't care about spreading this virus" .

It just makes me feel like getting back on line was a bad idea. I wouldn't even be seeing this stuff. I finally had to go get groceries and of course witnessed the panic and selfishness first hand. I was completely unprepared for the depth of stupidity. No matter..i trust God and whatever his will is. I have enough food for awhile..and i can wipe my ass with whatever. The hateful part of me is waiting to see how these idiots react when medical supplies cant be delivered, and they cant get their cigs and alcohol or the internet goes down. Then shit will get real.I secretly wish this WOULD happen..damn whiners.But i seriously doubt things will go that far and even if they do...pfft... All i know is that i am at work because i have to pay my own bills, no one helps me. I cant get assistance, i have no husband. So, here i am...as usual..

But, all-in-all, i am ok. This will pass. I maintain, i survive. Thats what lone wolves do...

Namaste.

Good Lord, Which is Better?

2020-02-24T04:49:00.002-05:00

It's been a few days. My illness is subsiding. But low & behold, i got a period. and not just any period. A MONSTER. It's as if my uterus was holding in 6 months worth of stuff and just erupted. Thursday night was horrible. I was in pain all night at work, cramping and severe nausea...Friday morning at home i saw blood. I lay curled in a fetal position all day..hardly sleeping and even sticking my finger in my throat several times to try to vomit- praying heavily. Eventually i slept and finally when i woke at 8pm, i felt a little better. I have been getting a tiny bit better each day but the blood flow has been astronomical.

as much as i hate to say it though, i am relieved to have one. On the emotional side of things as well as my "female" parts, i feel almost like i used to- somewhat normal. After this subsides completely, i may try another round of the hormones and see if it wasn't a fluke and just combining with this viral illness to make things worse than they really were. If i try and the same thing happens, i'll stop. But i am actually hoping being on this birth control will actually bring my periods back for awhile. They are harmful if i am not IN post menopause. Prior to that they are protective, according to medical research.

All i can do is try and pray i don't go through this much pain and sickness again. I don't mind the swollen achey breasts or even the usual period cramps, the blood and the smell HALF as much as i mind the effects of losing all my estrogen & progesterone. THAT is a worse nightmare than i ever could have imagined and i will never ever wish to not have a period again. Lesson learned.But if i get the awful nausea again, no deal. That was the worst and i cannot deal with it again.

Now when i hear someone say they want to get to menopause i can happily tell them they will regret saying that. I never know how bad it would be to lose all of your collagen, have thinning eyelashes , gain 15 pounds in less than a few months on your belly only and start looking like a complete HAG almost over night- not to mention the sandpaper rawness up inside my vagina which is so painful it hurts to walk. The mood swings, the hot flashes- nothing compared to feeling like you are a hundred years old almost over night.

Hormone Hell

2020-02-20T05:26:00.000-05:00

Ok, i take back everything i said about hormone pills. They are horrible. After being nauseous for days on end i have decided to go off of them. Not just because of that, but because i have been doing more research and consistently finding that this particular form is actually more harmful for me than helpful. What i was prescribed are basically birth control pills- a 21 day supply which combines both progesterone and estrogen. I am forced to do both because i still have a uterus. However, the issue is that this form contains all synthetic hormones which can increase my risk for breast cancer AND strokes. Ducky. I have stopped taking it and will wait until i have insurance to cover the patches. The patches are a better route and eliminate most of that risk. Maybe that is why they cost such an ungodly amount.
But either way, if i start them and i cannot get past the awful side effects, i am done with it. Besides, the reasons i wanted it can be dealt with in other ways. I just wanted my collagen back, to lose the damn belly fat, and some help with mood swings. I can get surgery or botox for my wrinkles, i have already lost most of my weight with dieting and the mood shit has settled down immensely since the onset. It isn't perfect yet, but improved diet, exercising and time have helped. And those things don't fuck with my body chemistry in toxic ways.
So, now, i am back on the nicotine gum again. Ugh. I couldn't help it. I will keep trying but it's is extremely tough to have NOTHING.
In other news, just about everyone i know is getting sick or has been dealing with this awful flu/cold bug. I now feel lucky that i seem to have gotten through it easier than many. I had no high fever and only a mild cough. the worst was sinus issues and combined with HRT side effects- the nausea and heartburn .
Also- let me bitch a bit more. Guess what i discovered this morning? I have almost NO fucking eyelashes left. Yup. Good ole menopause. Hair loss. I heard about it but didn't believe it. I was wondering why my last 3 mascaras weren't working. They don't work if you have no fucking eyelashes. all i can hope is that if i get blood work done in a few months, maybe it is my thyroid and not just hormones and i can get treated for that. It kind of makes sense...that shut also cause dryness and weight gain. So we shall see. Fucking insurance. i could have gotten blood work weeks ago and this question might have been resolved. But now, gotta wait. I cannot afford testing on my own.

So that is the plan and perhaps getting tested is a better idea anyway. better not to be guessing and just taking hormones and hoping.

Still Sick

2020-02-18T04:37:00.004-05:00

Ok, so i had to delete that last post. I knew i would but still had to write it and get it out of my system. I AM very disappointed, but i don't want to keep the negativity around.My apologies.
Anyway, i am still getting through this awful cold. I thought it might be the flu since my daughter and grandson had it , and the clients father had it. But i only had a fever Saturday and it was low grade.

Still, my skull/sinuses have been on fire . Headaches, very stuffy and cannot breathe right. My cough is still there and been taking DayQuil to get through. Being single , i cannot afford to take off .Gots to pay those bills.Miserable or not, it's work work work for me.

Hopefully though this will soon pass.At this point i have began to really understand that i need a better plan for my weight loss. I lost way too much , too quickly and the fatigue and deprivation back fired. I won't be staying at 1200 calories a day and having nothing i enjoy. i changed my app to give me 1440 a day and we will see how that goes. I haven't been as strict with it. i went down to 120lbs( lowest weight on Saturday) but now i am at 123/ 124. I can feel that the extra eating has made me a little bloated but until i feel better i won't be doing much about it. I haven't even exercised since Tuesday- not even Yoga or Meditation. I was in bed trying to rest all day/night friday, saturday & sunday and still feel like shit.

One thing i am seriously having to start to look at is this: i need to change some things in my life again.I know- i have changed so much...WTF am i thinking? But the thing is- i have absolutely nothing fun to look forward to now, no joy. And i certainly cannot remember the last time i looked in the mirror and felt good about myself, much less felt it in general. It seems that it wasnt that long ago i felt beautiful and happy for the most part, even if my life wasn't picture perfect.

I REALLY hesitate to say that i miss drinking. Because there is so fucking much that SUCKS about it. And i have worked so hard to stay sober. But i truly miss the fun Nat & i had and i miss being around fun friends having a good time. I also hate to say i miss smoking, but of course i do. I haven't been quit that long so there are still moments of intense craving or sadness when i miss how a good cigarette felt. So there, i said it.

What will i do about any of this? i surely don't know. I guess it means really looking at the reasons i made the choices i did. Re reading my blog posts and thinking very hard about how i need to reset myself going forward. I certainly don't want to blackout every week and then spend the next day hungover, then just go back to work- on & on forever like i was. Thats totally not an option. I have come too far. But i need something more in my life. I will be praying hard for guidance.

Namaste!

Hormone Happiness!

2020-02-12T06:00:00.002-05:00

The scale is like a yo yo for me..Today i was back below 125. I have to wonder if its the hormones, but i am totally not stressed about it. That is saying something. Let me rephrase- I am dealing with my stress better and its only been 3 days . AMAZING--Yup, i knew i wasn't crazy. And to anyone who doesn't understand peri menopause- shame on you- educate yourself. Especially if you are a guy Because , honestly, if you put ha woman down for the shit she cannot control, you are no better than someone insulting a mentally retarded person for being slow. Hormones are real shit.

I will be making updates as i go, but ALREADY- i am sleeping better, not on an emotional roller coaster daily, and am finding it easier to lose weight. I have about 35% less brain fog and anticipate than getting better with each day/week/month. If you know a woman in her 40's and she thinks she is developing depression, anxiety, and/or a mental health disorder --TELL HER TO GET TESTED for hormone imbalances and save your self years of hell.

Enough about that.

Unfortunately, i think i am getting a cold. everyone around me is sick( flu, cold and/or sinus infection). i would like to think my new healthy life style has kept me from getting anything but i am not that egotistical...so far, it's probably just luck. and i think my luck is running thin. My throat is sore, i've been coughing more and my nose is super stuffy. No fever though..thank god.

Weirdly- i have not had ANY bronchitis or pneumonia this year and not even much of a cold. One that lasted 2 days. I better knock on some wood.

Well, thats the update.Nothing else except: Still waiting for someone to apologize to me for saying something really rude a few days ago, but not holding my breath . It's fine. I don't need that shit in my life. I was nice, did nothing wrong and they had to act like a jerk for no reason. Moving on.

namaste!

Art and Diet things

2020-02-11T04:16:00.000-05:00

Daily progress log :( skip this if you don't give a hoot about my diet)

Sunday:back down to 125 the last 2 days..sleeping well, and picked up my HRT as well. Hair has faded a Lot from that bright red and so changed the photo to what it looks like now. Next color will be brown. Hopefully it holds and i don't have to worry so much about roots.

This thursday is my birthday.I will be reading the debut of my book at our event. I'm more excited to hear everyone else though.

Monday: back up to 127 today. I think the HRT is holding water. I felt really cramped & bloated , just like when i used to get my period. It was like i woke my uterus from it's 8 month hibernation . I haven't even felt it in that long so it was weird.

I am at work now and trying to eek out my food rations to last until 7a. Then i can drive home to eat 2 egg whites, get some good sleep and have some salmon after my walk this evening/before work. I guess i tend to eat the bulk of my food AT work and maybe i should work on changing that somewhat.

Other things:

I did paint two cute little foxes tonight at work and was happy with the results. It's been awhile. But i am finding that my desire to use the habit tracker as a motivator is becoming a drag. Yeah....i may have to re think it . I just don't want to be tied down to that because the way the book itself is set up( and i didn't realize this at first) it is just really hard to position and work with.It's rectangular and bound , and doesn't easily turn itself so one page is viewable only. Hard to explain .

Today i had a thought as well and wanted to express it somewhere. I realized how when people are posting their stuff n Fb or Instagram all the time what that says about their life.

Self---remember this whenever you feel like posting your "thoughts of the day":

"Don't do it.I mean because, come on- unless you get paid for it..you are doing it because you have nothing else going on. It just further proves to everyone how boring and pathetic your life actually is. Meaning, your life sucks, lacks value and you should be working on THAT instead of inviting controversy, and thriving on "shocking" people with your oh-so-important( not) opinions on everything from politics, to sex, to life style choices of all sorts.. because seriously- NO ONE CARES about your opinion.".....

and i so wish other people would do the same...But to each their own...

weird weight stuff

2020-02-08T05:40:00.002-05:00

I picked up the HRT today but will not be starting until sunday night. The reason is because i need to wean off this gum first, and that won't happen till i run out..which should be by the end of saturday night. Now that i have a reason, i won't go buy any. Plus i will have time to see the effects of this cream i bought , and the new multi vitamin and better probiotic.

I weighed 126 the last 2 days. I chalk that up to increased stress. I didn't eat any more than usual- in fact i ate less( only 960 calories) but as shocking and bizarre as it seems, extra stress causes weight gain. I could never in a million years have wrapped my head around that before. But i have seen it in person several times now. Just doesn't make sense. When i heard someone else say it, i was like"yeah right- they probably just ate more because they were stressed" but, nope- i ate less, and gained. When i sleep 8 - 9 hrs, i feel less stressed, and i lose weight.

Anyway, it's getting down to now trying to adjust my Macros. I want an eventual shift where i am getting only 20% fats, 50% protein and 30% Carbs on the average daily.I want MOST of the carbs to come from fiber sources also. I am moving in the right direction - traded beef for salmon 5 nights a week and chicken the other nights.Add in 2 eggs a day, and cottage cheese which is really good for protein. I need to switch back to greek yogurt over regular and i can have SOME nuts, but i have to prepackage portions because i always wanna pig out on them.
Tonight i treated myself to 1 1/2 serving of root veggie chips and some dip. It was a splurge- 320 calories t star the day ( midnight) but it's my night off. No one's perfect . I still walked 45 minutes on the treadmill, and did 20 minutes of yoga/stretching.

ok..blah blah blah...Just wrote all that for myself because i know no one else cares or wants to read thru the boring shit.Oh well.

it's after 5am. I am getting pretty tired. amazingly i haven't watched anything on netflix or online at all tonight. It went so fast.guess it's time to wind down...pretty good day over all

Diet News

2020-02-06T02:59:00.003-05:00

I started my actual diet ( i.e.- logging it on the app and actually paying attention to what I've been consuming each day) on january 29th. I weighed in at 134. It has only been a week and i am down to 125lbs. Crazy. the last 2-3 days though, i have been really tired and just wanting to sleep. When i wake up( especially if i was shortchanged on hours of sleep) i am groggy and unfocused. I am starting to think whoever came up with this formula for how many calories i need per day is full of shit. I mean- who the hell drops almost 10 lbs in a week? Doesn't seem like a healthy pace to me. i have only been allowed 1187 calories per day..and i am usually under that. Mainly because i exercise but also i have cut out a ton of fat. Still the ratios say i have more fat than anything in my diet. Again, wtf?
It's not like i eat junky fat though. I switched out from sausage & ground beef to fish, turkey and eggs. I added avocado and cut back on my creamer. I generally have a side salad every other day plus some cooked veggies and - hold on to your seat- i also have been adding fruit( i hate fruit). I even include blueberries now and i have never liked berries. i have had fish 4 nights in a row now.Out of chicken.
I started opening my probiotic capsule last week but they started to make me nauseous directly in my mouth, so tonight made the decision to bring them to work and sprinkle on my food right before i eat it . I think this way, it gives my tummy time to get a bit of food in there and it's not trying to dissolve in pure stomach acid.

I am doing my best to drink more water. I've been drinking 2 /16 oz. bottles at work and starting today, at least 8 oz before work at home. Getting there.

Enough about that.

After my big elation about art on saturday night/sunday morning, the next few days were lackluster. I did do it but didn't feel as good about it. Tonight was the worst. And i bet it's because i had too little sleep. It's upsetting because that was unnecessary. i was told i would get a phone call at 4:45p so set my alarm for 4p. i was sleeping like a baby for a change, but i got up. They never called. I didn't have a chance to get a nap before work either.

On a positive note, my Doctor FINALLY called in a prescription for the HRT i need that i can afford. After a week of back & forth about it. I will pick it up tomorrow and pray that it helps with this nightmare brain fog.I have to work an extra shift tomorrow because family is going away this weekend and i need the money. What sucks is, because i officially started work for the new agency Monday, it won't be OT. Ugh. And i don't get to look forward to my usual thursday night off...i might just sleep in and say fuck it to the treadmill instead..at least i will get rest.

Today's other concern..still needing to wean off this gum. I am REALLy struggling with it, even though my mouth is sore as shit. I hope once i get some sleep i can think more clearly, set my intentions and stick to them ...Time for Netflix..

Namaste.

The Brain Fog Just Keeps Rolling

2020-02-05T02:01:00.000-05:00

One thing a lot of people don't know about Menopause /peri menopause is that it creates a huge brain fog. There have been many times where i have felt like i am experiencing early onset dementia, even though i know it doesn't run in my family. It's worse than just forgetting where you put your keys. It's quite crippling , embarrassing, and frustrating. Most of the time , when i am around those who don't get it, i just want to throttle them ( or at least inject them with random amounts of various hormones for a month or so and let them deal with it too)

I have gotten back to my art, on the plus side. Found a way to integrate creative endeavors with my goals. It's been a God send at work. I was getting really sick of looking for something decent to watch online- flipping around for hours, just bored to tears.

I have been writing a lot also and am finally going to be a feature at my own event after 3 years. Just a little debut of the book i have been working on over the years. Ok, a book i have been very SLOWLY developing . The idea has been around since 2012, and i have had the title . Just now prepping the ground work. I would also like to possibly write a self help book ( for those in menopause) and an auto biography. But we will see. The first one involves artists and interviewing them.

I am also determined even more to fight this whole aging thing. I will work as hard as i can at it, to be healthy and feel good about myself...

Rollin'
Rollin'
Rollin'....

Reminders & Gratefulness

2020-02-02T02:57:00.001-05:00

Today's Thoughts:

1.The things that chronic alcoholics say that destroy lives and friendships.
2. What happens when you give up on your goals too soon.
3. Why i am alone ( boundaries & standards)
4.How little things mean so much more to me now.
5. How my sabbatical from the toxicity has given me so many new perspectives.
6. How unfair Mother Nature truly is.
7. How persistence does or will pay off.

I know, a Hodge Podge of things...but all a part of my daily mind. A few things that have happened to bring those things up.

My roommate who had 30 days of no smoking under her belt started again last week. She also gave up drinking with me drank 1/2 a bottle of rum last night. She feels like crap today. Reminders not to give up. My life may be boring, but i can say i never , ever wake up with regrets anymore and i have less chemical toxins in my body.

Looking on Facebook a few times a week now and seeing how some people have totally alienated all but a few hangers on with their constant political posts. It's crazy. On that note, same shit, different day. Don't miss it at all.It's like a bunch of teenagers battling for attention everyday. No thanks.

Rejection this year by men who previously chased me for years. Ordinary men only care about looks. Lord, i pray --send me the extraordinary ones.I'll be patient, i promise.

I love that i got a few extra dollars this month. Even $10 means a lot to me these days. i love that my roommate cares enough to do all that she does for me, without being asked. She is a saint. I love that i have been faced with challenges that can only force me to become a better person. No matter how bad they look initially. And i love that i am finally my own person- 100%.

So far , i've dropped 5 pounds. Looking at how awful i have actually been eating and how it has affected my health over the years, even though i THOUGHT i was eating well. Noticing how out of breath i was when i first started walking and how now i have 57 miles walked in just January alone and i can BREATH- no coughing at all, and haven't been sick all year. I enjoy looking around at all that i have- my own home, a better job, and a closer bond with my family- has made it all worth it.

No matter how much i bitch or get frustrated or vent when i am stressed, i am so glad i stayed the course. I didn't cave in or take the easy path. I took the long, 'boring', uphill one and i am still going. But here's the thing-

the higher i climb, the more i see.

Namaste.

The Passage of Time

2020-02-01T03:55:00.003-05:00

Sigh...it was just a few years ago -2-3 in fact, that i could take and post selfies and not worry about others posting pics of me online WITHOUT any photoshopping , especially under my eyes. Or without feeling fat & dumpy. Not so any more. It has become increasing degrading to find pics of me posted from random events by other people and see that , even though i "thought" i looked ok, i actually looked like a fat Gollum.
Almost ever night for weeks i spend hours online looking at before & after photos of plastic surgeries- under eye, full facelifts , liposuction, cool sculpting , facial fillers, botox, etc.. and get depressed that i cannot afford to do jack shit. If i had 100, 000 laying around and some time off work , i could be a Goddess...but alas i am stuck with a poor white trash budget.

It still amazes me how much i have aged , especially in the past year despite quitting alcohol, and now even cigarettes. I eat better, i do cardio , i meditate, do yoga, and do my damnedest to look and stay healthy as much as i can on a budget. Yet, because of "filters" and people with $ , i look like i belong in a zoo next to them. Even on Facebook.

What the hell...

Life..it just isn't fair...