My Depression - How I cope in my life.

Depression affects the toughest of people

2015-01-19T23:48:00.001+13:00

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2820420/Tough-nails-competitor-gentle-spirit-Tributes-flow-triathlete-legend-tragically-died-46.html

Dealing with my grief

2013-08-11T21:35:00.000+12:00

I've been trying to write something the last few days but unable to find the right words or concentrate enough to form a post. Today is the first time I feel anywhere close to being able to.

I know I have not been the best of brothers when Grant needed me. Also I know we caused each other more pain and heartache than we should have over the years. I will however be eternally grateful for the day we got to spend with each other on the Monday before Grant's cancer riddled body finally was unable to continue to fight. He showed me everything in his eyes that wasn't, should've, and didn't need to be said. We are brothers and our love for each other is much stronger than our pointless squabble or miscommunications. He not only forgave me but he also embraced me as though we were still those 2 little boys who shared a bedroom growing up, spending every moment together link his little twin boys do.

I will miss him more than most, and I can't process the fact he has left this plane for the next one so early. It was not supposed to happen this way. He was always so strong physically. I could never beat him in an arm wrestle since he was about 14. He was always faster at sprinting than I was. How could this happen? It is not fair! What happens now? What are his kids supposed to do without him? What about his new bride?

We all put Grant to rest yesterday and it feels more peaceful today than the last 6 days, but it also feels a lot more empty. We cannot see him any more. He has gone! It can't be real. I cannot accept it. When does acceptance come? Is that when I truely grieve? To be completely honest, I am terrified of that moment. I already am struggling, but the hard reality of Grant's passing is going to crush me. I also know I am not alone in this experience, and I also know I won't be alone when I crack.

I love you Grant Tony Sutherland (1 Feb 1975 - 9 Aug 2013)

Today my younger brother passed away

2013-08-09T23:54:00.004+12:00

To all my readers. Today I lost my baby brother. He was only 38 and leaves behind a wife, 4 children and 2 step children., all whom he loved very very much.

I am truly grateful for the time we got to spend together the last few weeks, especially the 6 hours one on one on Monday. I will dearly miss him and I will try to share my progress through my grief.

I know this may not be the most PC forum for grieving, but it may help others to reach out and mend bridges.

RIP Grant Tony Sutherland (Feb 1 1975 - Aug 9 2013)

June and July so far

2013-07-20T00:59:00.001+12:00

These last few weeks I have had to do a lot of soul searching. I have been up and down with my own issues, both mentally and physically. I have been struggling with back issues which has limited my training to a point I would be lucky to have done an honest 8 hours a week.

Running is still fairly non existent and my weight is hovering the 100kg mark still. That alone is always a trigger for my depression. So how did I deal with it in the past? One thing was less distractions but it was discipline and time. No real secret sorry. Consistent exercise, healthy eating and patience. It might be worth while logging everything again. Having a conscious visual aid always did work for me.

We attended my brother's wedding, facing the majority of my family for over 15 months. A lot of the reasons are resentment from the lack of help for my family when we have needed intervention when I have been out of control. Confrontation and support has never really been my blood families strong suit. TV adverts regarding supporting people with mental issues don't work. I am one, and my 2 girls, who receive very little can attest to that. Besides that, it was really nice. Also nice to meet my 3 nephews for the first time. The hard thing was to see my beligerant big as life little brother, tired, old and struggling. His battles with cancer has been beating him up. This got me to begin to try think about the last couple of years and what I haven't done or been a part of due to my behavior, and the grudges I hold onto.

All these things now fairly trivial.

Now the biggest thing that has really rocked me was the news my younger brother had more tumors found on his spine, and now is no longer receiving radiotherapy or chemotherapy for these. I know I have had many issues I have really struggled with confronting and resolving. Quite a few stem from my brother. I have mentioned before I felt growing up we were almost twins. Close in age and practically the same group of friends. Something happened and I lost that closeness. Maybe I was closer to him than I was to him, which is why I felt I was devastated when I couldn't get back what I had lost. For years I wanted to get back my sudo-twin but could never come to terms that was never going to happen. Now with this news, all this doesn't matter. He is my brother and I love him.

His pain levels are being managed and we have things to talk about but I feel just going to see him has been all he needed from me. It's been hard to talk to him because of all the people around each time I visit and also his pain meds are keeping him a bit spaced out. I will stop by again on Tuesday. Hope to get a few minutes alone with him.

To anyone reading, my brother's friends are trying to restore his beloved VW for him since his health has deteriorated. Even $5 helps and can be donated here

https://www.givealittle.co.nz/cause/GruntasVw

and can be followed here

https://facebook.com /GruntasVwBeetleRestoration?id=527073197335823&_rdr

Now for anyone reading, stop holding onto grudges. Us with depression have far too much to deal with already, don't add to it by carrying extra baggage. Be like an airline. Minimum baggage and maximum weight/size restriction.

A bad day - look at the opportunities

2013-06-06T22:40:00.001+12:00

So I need to go back on the pills as I completely lost it tonight. Started destroying things by kicking them. 2nd PS3 controller and 3rd bike helmet to meet it's demise by my foot. Not a great night by any stretch. The rest of the day had been pretty good though so it's a real shame that I am incomplete especially when I get confronted and defensive.

Why do I lose it when I don't feel that my feelings are not shared. I know my role model was not great emotionally and I haven't learned how to detach my emotions from blinding my rational thought process.

Sometimes I think my emotional retardness is directly linked to when I believe I started showing signs of depression as a teenager, and my physical development. From what I have learnt about depression, medical practitioners are extremely reluctant to treat the growing brain with drugs or chemicals. This is probably why I feel I have emotional short comings.

Not much I can do about my past, only my future. Time to make another appointment with my psychiatrist and to make sure I restart my meds. Let's keep moving forward.

The comeback continues 5th June 2013

2013-06-05T22:03:00.002+12:00

How to take back control of things when you feel life is spinning out of control? Make a decision, commit to it and remember not every day will be a success, but remembering that if you have more successful days than not so successful days, you are on the winning path to being on top of your depression.

I made a decision to make a comeback, and I feel that since making the decision, feeling I have a purpose, things don't bother me as much again. I have been forgetting to take my medication, but you know what, I feel like I don't need them to take my anxiety away. I will have to monitor my moods going forward to make sure I treat those close to me don't suffer.

I have started my baseline testing, with a 2km swimming TT today, 30 min 15 secs. Watch out 40-44 year olds. Not bad for a starting off point, only about 30 secs off my PB in 2010. Seems the coaching brain and advancing the knowledge of technique helps in the water, pity it won't carry across to the bike and run as much. I have got new shoes coming which will help to lesson the impact on my tender feet while running. Consistent training is the key.

I have weighed myself, an embarrassing 98kgs, that will come down by doing everything I have done before, by being more disciplined that I have the last few years with my physical health will also be my mental saviour. So my way forward is a gentle build, stay injury free as much as possible, keep on top of the niggles and treat them before they become injuries.

A big thanks to my sponsors iRdie and Rocktape NZ and not to mention TEAM MONZA Triathlon Coaching

Comeback time

2013-06-01T19:43:00.001+12:00

Yesterday I announced that I am making my comeback to competitive triathlons. I have not really been that focused on the sport I absolutely love since 2008 when I first wore the silver fern in Vancouver.

I have noticed since I have made this decision, my whole outlook on everything is much brighter. I have to say, that after so long wanting to be motivated and missing the drive, making the decision is actually refreshing.

My advice to anyone struggling with motivation, make a decision and put it out there. Say it loud and remember that you won't get it right 100% of the time, but it doesn't really matter. It only matters that you do yourself proud and you aim high.

2013 so far

2013-05-25T23:18:00.000+12:00

Well seems the first attempt of this post failed. I cannot remember much of what I wrote the first go a week ago so I will have to write whatever pops out.

What happened throughout the first part of 2013? The first 5 months have been fairly blah. My moods have swung from high to very low. I have been difficult to live with and health has not been bad, just great. I haven't been sick, and I have really struggled with motivation and focus which spirals my depression down and down. The vicious cycle of not exercising, worrying about not exercising, being not motivated to not exercise because I'm depressed just compounds everything more.

It hasn't been a disastrous year by any stretch, just blah.... My relationships with family has been defensive at best. I know things are not easy for everyone, but that isn't my problem. But should they?

I know I need to remember those that I want attention from, have their own limitations to what they can manage, but during those times, I struggle to grasp that thought. How do I learn to forgive, forget or move past the hurt I felt/feel that the people I grew up with and care deeply about, and keep them in my life. How do I bring them back into my life.

One thing I do know, my family was never good at talking/sharing our feelings with each other. That skill was never passed to me, but was it ever passed onto my parents so they could teach their children? So has that been my limiter? Can I be better?

So many questions. Do I just ask or do I do something? I hope I can do a better job.

2012 wrap up. 2013 prospects.

2013-01-02T14:24:00.001+13:00

I'm looking back at my year and evaluating how I did. What were my highlights and what were my lowlights.

HIGHLIGHTS
I have been employed throughout the whole year at a very good job.
I didn't have any crippling injuries.
My health is fairly good.
I have a great family.
I got a personal best Olympic distance triathlon time and broke the 2:10:00 mark.
I got my 4th ironman finishers medal.
I represented my country for sport at a world championship event.
I have been making improvements with my depression and anger problems.
I've managed to get 2 sponsors for my triathlon coaching.

LOWLIGHTS
The biggest one that comes to mind is my prolonged left foot problems, which has led to a lack of any real training and a suppressed outlook on everyday things and motivation.
The big fights and arguments with Jane and Alex.
The lack of interaction my family seems to want with each other.
The guilt I carry around over things I had no control over.
My lack of training and weight gain.

So here is my to do list and what I really need to do this year.

Force myself to exercise more regularly and do more than the minimum.
Eat smaller amounts.
Make a conscious effort to finish coaching cert.
Be less selfish and more patient.
Take some time to enjoy the small things.
Listen.
Be a better man and partner.
Spend less time playing on my gadgets and more time with Jane.

So 2013. My 40th year. Time to be great!

Christmas 2012

2012-12-24T01:01:00.001+13:00

Christmas time.

Even though I love my 2 girls and love being with them, I often wonder if I have a void in my being. The family I once had no longer has much part in my life. Do I still hold my anger towards their weaknesses, or are they my views of their personalities.

When my intimate family needed help from me, who was there road challenge my behavior, or took me to get me help, essentially helping my girls. No one. Was I abandoned or were they just not strong enough characters to do the right thing?

The ads on tv for someone to intervene are a waste of time. No one does it. It is not in people's make up to challenge a mentally unstable person, let alone lend a hand when they are at their lowest. Maybe I just can't help feeling rejected by my family and I am too hurt to let it pass. Maybe me and my brother's were taught to only care about ourselves and had poor role models who left us emotionally stunted.

Do I need more family? Do I need better and closer friends instead? Or do I just have trust issues?

What I do know is 2013 will be a better year for me as I do see things in a better light and I have got some goals I want to achieve. I think the last 20 months without much focus has given me a chance time reconnect to part if me that took up triathlons in the first place. I do need to right the goals down so I will achieve them.

Have a great holiday period everyone and thank you for reading my blog.

November 27

2012-11-27T22:00:00.001+13:00

Why is it that one comment can turn your day/mood on it's head and get you in a funk for days on end?

Lately I've experienced this, and as I battle my demons, some small comments that I most people would shake off, take hold of thoughts, I dwell and over think things, until they affect not only my mood, but also my decision making. I seem to be getting better at dealing with processing these negative thoughts and emotions. I try and focus on this moment being a blip in my life. This struggle is just a moment that wouldn't even amount to 0.01% of my entire life. Don't give it too much energy and get over it.

I also seem to have been focussing on the wrong thought pattern. I was focussing on how I believed it was unjust, and not focussing on changing. I resented having to change, as I thought it was for pedantic reasons, instead of just accepting it and moving on.

I was also told something that got me thinking a lot at how I hear/process things. At the time it pissed me off, and also hurt me. Now I look past the emotion of the moment, but I can hear the message behind it. I won't go into details, but I don't process things the way other people do and that's my bad luck. I like to have things said to me in a way I expect, and the world is not that neat and tidy. I need to work on hearing the more subtle messages and making the changes to suit.

Sometimes it's better to realise you cannot make others see your point of view, and it's easier to accept that as fact and moving on, instead of fighting those around you to push your point of view to such a destructive conclusion. The only real question that really needs to ask is "Is this point of view of mine worth me totally changing my home/family/work life for?" Sometimes the answer is yes, but the majority of the time, it's no. When it's no, it's time to focus on what is most important. Is it worth losing your job for. Have you been so badly treated that it's time to move on to a place where you will be treated better?

I had to accept my mental illness makes it hard for me at times to process what I have been told. Other people cannot understand why I struggle understanding what I get told as they see it as something simple. I have flaws in my character, and the more I learn about them, learning ways to adapt and make my life less turbulent, the easier things become. Definitely remembering, when I'm having a low, this is a blip in my life, is really helping me get over those things. Now focussing on small daily critical moments to help me heal my injuries, do my rehab, and regain my fitness.

Race Report - World Triathlon Champs 2012

2012-11-21T22:46:00.000+13:00

2012 World Age Group Sprint Champs

Auckland, New Zealand

My morning started early, about 5am. Shower, gear check, food etc. Jane and I made our way out of the room and heading quietly down to The Cloud for pre race prep. We definitely got the best of conditions for racing over the week. Sprint racing got underway from 7.00am (Swim 750m/Bike 20km/Run 5km) and Standard Distance later. Race start 7.14am in the 35-39 age group for the last time. Jane starts about 15 minutes later.

I am realistic about my performance goals, with my training being average at best, trying to deal with my depression, foot injury and life in general meaning my motivation and quality of training was low. Oh well, race time, this is what I enjoy!! 93 in my wave with 2 no shows.

Sitting on the pontoon with my fellow athletes, relaxed, a little worried about the 400m on concrete from swim exit to bike mount in bare feet, but not stressed at all, getting excited really. In the water and ready to start..... Hooter goes and off we head. Always a bit of biffo at the beginning, people climbing on my legs...OHHHH NOOOOOO!!!! I can't breath!! Not again!! I eased off, let my spot in the group go...damnit! I had to do a complete stop in the water to catch my breath, waving off the kayak and even managed to look around at the field, 3rd to last...I eased back into my swim, and slowly got into my stroke and kept passing orange caps, so not a complete write off, and out of the water, up the ramp and protecting my left foot and I try and get to my bike as fast as possible, good cheering as I head to transition. Matty Berg in transition cheering right before his race, big ups! Always love racing you.

Onto the bike and cleanly without tangling with the traffic. Feeling a bit sort of breath and probably afraid to really push the lungs to the limit after that problem in the water, I wind up preparing for the first hill in Parnell. The extra weight I carry at the moment not a help as I grid up. Still fun though. Who would have thought that I could be representing New Zealand in a sporting event, let alone at a World Champs at home. Trying to not give up places on the undulating course, hoping to make a few places up on the flat run home, in the TT run home. Feeling really flat physically and not cycling as well as I have in the past at other Worlds, those spots just don't come. Looking out for Jane hoping to yell out support. Drink, eat, get ready for the run. 5km of flat hard running, a little afraid with my foot but looking forward to it. Into a cold head wind for the last 4km then cleanly off the bike, again another dangerous run in bare feet to rack the bike and out onto the run course. Passing Alex and her grandparents

5.3km of running (due the the longer race having a shorter 2nd lap because of the run turn) and watching my pace on the watch, trying to keep at 4 minute km's. Not bad for pushing 100kgs. So many people lining the streets cheering, awesome!!!

The closer to the finish, the louder it gets, pushing myself to race the best I can today, having not been able to really go for it on a bike course that does not really suit my cycling style, pushing my feet to go all Road Runner, every time I hear my name, I wave. Only doing the one lap, not having a chance to acknowledge them on a 2nd lap. The finish area starting to go off!!

That blue finish carpet. What an amazing feeling. 4th time, and each time always a special moment. Running that last 100m for that one great finish photo!

I may not have been in the best shape. I may not have had the best luck today. I did however, went as best I could on the day. I did enjoy the racing again. Getting that finishers medal is always great. How many people get an athletic world championship competitors medal? No matter what I do from here on, I will always have that medal. Cool.

I waited at the finishes area, waiting for Jane to bring it home. Always a nervous wait for me. About 20 minutes after I finished, Jane come barrelling towards the finish gantry. Awesome!! Recovery and family photos then off to eat and support the standard distance competitors.

A great day when there's triathlon.

September through to November 16

2012-11-17T06:33:00.002+13:00

I haven't checked in for quite a while and this blog has gone like a reflection of how I have been living/feeling the last few months. It started with the best intentions, and I even had a run when I have been dedicated and focused, but like how things usually go in my life, I got lazy and lost the motivation to keep focussed. Oh well, failing to write a blog daily is not the end of the world and neither is not doing all my training sessions.

What has happened since I last posted?

I got one year older, edging ever closer to that new age group, now 39. I spent the day working but the evening with my girls and had a really nice dinner out. I remember feeling a bit numb rather than excited in the morning. The girls were definitely more excited about it and I tried to make the most of it.

World Triathlon Champs have now come and gone. It was a great week, albeit weather interrupted, and my foot has still been giving me a lot of grief (I will do a race report on another blog post) and I now think has been contributing to my lack of motivation of training. The time in Auckland was great, and meet up with a lot of friends from around the country, and a few from overseas from past events. The best thing about the week was that Alex was able to enjoy it as a competing team member for the first time.

Work has had it ups and downs. We have gotten a lot busier, which is good for the odd bit of extra money at times. I have a really hard time when I feel I have the biggest input into the store organisation, look and generally stuff up the least, and then no slack is giving when there is nothing to do. I got reprimanded for internet use, and maybe it's the terminal I use is a bit more obvious than the others, but when the pot calls the kettle black, I have a really hard job of sucking it up. The problem I guess I fidget. I have to fidget, and when I am bored, I fidget more. I guess it's why I bite my nails, I used to smoke, I watch TV/movies and can only sleep at the end of it, I have to be playing with a phone or play PS3/PSP. I am a fidgeter.

I have also noticed when work has been a difficult environment, that has affected my home life too much and for that I need to apologise to my girls. I try not to let things affect me too much, and I know some people just don't get how easily one comment can affect a depressive. We feel the enjoyment squeeze out of us immediately, and it is hard to regain that joy back. Right now it's been 2 weeks since work has felt like a place I want to be at. I know one errant comment will set off all the cannon of frustrations I have I have loaded, which will not end that well. It's happened before, and I'm trying really hard to not repeat the performance.

Family life has it's up and downs, with all 3 of us doing our best to get out of life alive. Alex has exams and is stressed, her swim coach is being a dousch and putting additional stress and not much encouragement. I feel he is trying to break her so she gives up. I may know technique, but he doesn't know how to manage people. Jane has a big class this year, and with her gifted and talented stuff on top of her everyday stuff, plus coaching, she gets little assistance from her colleagues, not to mention the late phone calls from parents who claim to be friends but are never really there for us.

As far as my extended family goes, I get critisied by them for not having much input or communication, but when my family has needed help, not a single one of them lifted a finger when the girls reached out for help in their direction when I was in a really dark place and being very unpleasant to live with. The ads on TV just don't cut it when I goes to supporting people with mental health issues. They just don't get it, when their door isn't open when it is needed most, the door just remains closed. My brother is sick, but really he has been the biggest hurdle in my life when it comes to me and my depression. He is a extremely arrogant and made so many comments to me about the things he has done without regret or remorse, I find it easier to avoid his words as they stay probably 50 times longer in my world than his. I am sorry he is sick, but I do not like his behaviour.

Triathlon coaching has been coming along really well, still small at the moment and slowly growing. We have a bit of a mixed bag of athletes but it is very rewarding when they finish a race with a massive smile on their face afterwards. Triathlon season began last week and my fitness level, and foot problem, shows that this season will not be a season full of PB's. This is definitely a time to heal, get my foot sorted and come back next season better, faster, stronger. I will then spend a bit more energy in my coaching this season instead.

I have to make a comment about others with depression that live in my environment. Most people hide it very well, some however are really destructive to other depressives near them. They act like an enemy. What is it with that? Do they feel threatened by me? Are they jealous that their life is harder than my life and wish it was easier for them? Are they that insecure with themselves, I am a constant reminder that they feel like a failure because I appear to not be suffering as much as them? I don't get it. We have a lot in common and should be able to talk about our common issues in support one one another, but their appearance of blind hatred makes them unable to get support from someone who is probably the best at understanding what they go through constantly. Maybe they are just too immature. Maybe they are jealous. Maybe they are just not a very nice person. Truth be told, I don't hate them back, but I do dislike their behaviour. When it comes to their petty antics start affecting those in my life, a line has to be drawn and I will have to defend my position and those I love, I live with and those that I coach. Yes they may have a mental illness, but does that give them the right to be an arsehole?

One thing I am now trying to focus on, is one sentence, one phrase, one action is but a moment. There are 43200 per day. A sentence take say 5 seconds out of that day. I am now 39 years old. I have been alive over 14244 days or 615,373,200 seconds, and plan to live over double that. Are those 5 seconds really worth much in the large scale of my life? They are but a minuscule moment of my existence. Why give that moment so much energy?

Another thought is that I have other things to actually worry about, and some things are just not worth it. My life is hard enough, why make it harder, or let someone else make it harder for me.

With those thoughts I will strive to be better with my blog going forward, but don't be holding your breath.

11 July - 2 September - WTC Countdown

2012-09-02T22:14:00.000+12:00

There has been 6 weeks since I last made a blog post. I was supposed to keep a diary of my ups and downs, successes and failures. The lack of posts suggests that I have not been on the top of my game over the last few weeks. So what has been happening?

My motivation has probably hit rock bottom and the quality of training has been below average at best. I have not been vigilant with the rehabilitation of my injury of my foot either. Why is it so hard to regain the want to train for a goal? Do I need to find a goal I truly desire? Why am I content with my ability as it is and I do not feel the need to train to achieve the results I desire?
I know what I need to do, and I have done it before, so why do I struggle to do the simple day to day things that make my training successful?

My depression has started to come back as my day to day mood is kind of blah, and the small things that shouldn't annoy me, have begun to irritate me and I react to more and more. As my depression begins to become a problem, my weight tends to rise, the more it rises, the more the depression sets in. A vicious cycle and the faster the downward spiral spins. I know the way out, but can I take the way and stay the path? That is my personal challenge.

The last few days however have seen much improvement in my physical and mental states. I have recently restarted taking my medication, which seems to have taken the edge off of my day to day anxiety, which is a relief. I will need to continue the medication for the foreseeable future anyway. I also have been back to the podiatrist with some advancement regarding my lingering foot problem and back into some form of running this coming week. PROGRESS!!!

With a little focus I can achieve my short term goals and get on the right track and recreate my habits from a time in my past. Time to reset the clock.

50 days until race day

June 20 - July 10

2012-08-10T12:17:00.002+12:00

74 Days left until the World Triathlon Champs Sprint Race

So what's happened over the last 3 weeks?

I spent a day recovering from the exam, more so the laxative juice still floating around in my gut, before I headed back into training. I started to get back into a decent roll of training, knocking out a few 60-90 minute sessions, and even got my running up to just over 60 minutes without too much of a problem.and exercising more regular. It's amazing how much better you feel when you have regular exercise in you life.
No dramas, but my mood seems to be improving as I bury my health concerns,

25th - PROBLEM DAY
I hurt my back!!! It wasn't even anything worthwhile that I was doing either. Damn thing has been causing me more and more grief over the last few years. I can hardly turn/stretch let alone do anything productive. Man I feel old. Coaching this week will definitely a struggle, and work. Just the knowledge of knowing I won't be training in the next few days is bringing my mood down. So my challenge is definitely be keeping my head space right, not getting angry over stupid things and keep active.

After getting some physio, and a couple of days of rest has the body back into a state where I can get active again. My back is still not 100% but it shouldn't stop me from doing what I want to do. I do feel kind of blah of late though, not just physically, but mentally too. I don't feel up and I don't feel down, just blah. I do think I need a bit of guidance to help get out of this funk.

I'm not having much luck physically at the moment. I did a 90 minute run home from work, and as soon as I got to the hills near home, my left foot regressed back to how it felt in March/April. I have to really sort this out so I do not have to take a long time out of the sport. I remember Jane having to walk around on crutches for 6 months a few years ago and that was not fun. I really don't want to be like that. How do these physical challenges affect me mentally? I usually go into a blah mode, I don't do my rehab exercises religiously, nor do I continue to train properly. So how do I battle this?

OLYMPICS!!!!
What a great time. I love watching as much as I can. Pity about the time difference so most of the action will be happening while I'm supposed to be asleep. Do I sit on the bike and do some indoor training while I watch the games or, what i have been doing the last year or so, sit on my butt and just watch TV.

The nagging foot problem is definitely affecting me. Training is really weak, and I really need to do some real goal setting/planning to help me focus on a good process in order to get me back to where I was a few years ago. Mentally I feel like I'm pushing through mud all the time, I'm eating average foods, energy levels vary severely on a daily basis.

Thankfully I have been listening to a great podcast (Fitness Behaviour Podcast Episode 20) that I have been neglecting the last few months, and one of the episodes was about how to set realistic targets. Instead of target "big goals" set targets on how to make "yourself a better version". I had been entering events to give me motivation to train, whereas by what this podcast suggests, I should be planning how to be better at eating, training, sleeping better on a daily basis to create that better version of myself. If I can achieve those small goals, those bigger goals will just come. Big goal setting has not been working for me, so this shift of thinking might be just the fresh outlook I need to regain that focus I had a few years ago.

Day 20 - WTC Countdown July 19

2012-07-20T21:43:00.000+12:00

EXAM DAY - Colonoscopy

So early up for my last drink, now no food at all until after the exam. Not feeling too bad as far as the hunger goes, and now I can't wait until the after the exam just so I can get my routine normalised. After today, I can really get my head back into training, whether it be a distraction from bad news, or a spring board from relief.

We ran a few errands in the morning then off to the hospital for the this exam and finally get it the rear view mirror.

After checking in, getting an IV successfully put in after the 2nd attempt. So love that. After a bit of a wait, I got wheeled into the theatre and ready. No details here.

Results all great and very very relieved. Complimentary sandwich then off to McDee's. Awesome to have the stress of the last few weeks/days wash away with one sentence.

Now it's time to get my inners working normally and exercising, getting my mind and body ready for Auckland.

Chilled out at home and watched a movie before bed.

Day 19 - WTC Countdown July 18

2012-07-19T21:27:00.000+12:00

I woke up and started drinking the cleansing crap....AWESOME!!!!

1 Litre in one hour of lemon/lime laxative drink. YUM-O. 30-40 minutes later, bathroom time. WoHoo. So with heading to work later in the morning, a bloated feeling in my gut, and again no real food. Awesome!

So no training, and thankfully an easy day at work. No heavy lifting today. Jane still being on school holiday, I got a chauffeur to and from work and I was a bit of a grump. I wish I better at dealing with my stresses better than I am. I hope I can improve sooner rather than later.

Another drink in the evening followed by more visits to the toilet. Much fun, so I waited up until I felt safe enough to sleep through the night. At least I have the next 2 days off of work.

Day 18 - WTC Countdown July 17

2012-07-18T21:25:00.000+12:00

TUESDAY 98 Days to go until race day.

Today I now can only eat clear foods, liquids, sugarfree drinks until after the colonoscopy. So I wonder how hard it is going to be really. Is it more of a "you can't eat it so you crave it" thing or it's something that won't be too much of a drama.

Anywho, casual ride to and from work without any drama and not feeling too bad about the lack of solid food, I hope it doesn't really affect my mood the longer it drags out. I do know I will feel a weight of uncertainty being lifted from my mind, which has to be affecting my moods.

I do know these days of late I haven't been the easiest person to live with, I try and laugh off the things that worry me, but deep down it does affect me and I try not to vent out any frustrations but I fail.

If I objectively look at myself, I know I am better than I used to, but it still does not make it easy to live with me. I must try harder but also remember to not beat myself up about it.

Make the small changes but if it doesn't have the immediate affect, just take it in your stride. If you really get it wrong, remember the important things, your family. So apologise and be just slightly better than the day before.

Day 17 - WTC Countdown July 16

2012-07-17T23:30:00.000+12:00

OMG what is this work thing????? How dear they through this beast onto me !?!

Work was good, no dramas or issues. It's really good being in a good team in your work place. Everyone with a decent sense of humour and nothing too serious gets in the way.

With Alex being dropped off at swimming, Jane and I went for a 6km run around the bays before the Tri Club Committee meeting. Not too much happening being the off season, more like home maintenance than anything.

Tonight is the last night I get to eat solid food until Thursday night, as I have a colonoscopy due Thursday afternoon. It's something I haven't shared too openly until now. The hospital has rescheduled this 4 times in total, so it will be really good to get this over and done with, plus also mentally, get over this stress in my life. I do know this has been affecting me. So either I will get relief, or I will find out if there is something I need to attend to. I need to have this check up, as my younger brother had bowel cancer a couple of years ago. He has recovered from it which is great, and we all need to be checked out. So not looking forward spending a few trip to the bathroom over the next few days.

Day 16 - WTC Countdown July 15

2012-07-16T23:03:00.000+12:00

Sunday!!! Awesome!!!

Last day off of my 6 day stretch, pity the wind and rain has come. Oh well, stay in bed until 11am. NICE!!!

So with this being 99 days until my race, I have not been doing anywhere near the quantity, or anywhere close to quality of training, to in any kind of real race shape. The more I really think about it, my mood drops, and those dark edges of depression nibble away. I look at the scale and my weight is not decreasing, but I have to really be honest, have I done anything to change?

So how do I deal with these times;

If things aren't going too well

I tend to sit around and try to do something that puts me in a false reality,

play PS3.
watch TV, movies, or sports.

I tend to get irritable easily,
I tend to easily distracted,
Stay up really late,
Feel quite tired and/or sore every morning,
Wake up late,
Eat poorly,
Money/budgets really, really troubles me,
Have little patience for things I don't like,

If things are going well

I occasionally play PS3 but do not look for every chance to turn it on,
Get to bed early,
Feel rested when I wake,
Aches and pain don't bother me,
I get my gear ready for training early,
I look forward to training,
Eat really well,
Do the small things really well that help with work, family, training,
Enjoy watching programs that normally annoy me,
Tend to do training 2 times each day, 3-4 hours exercise per day,
My weight doesn't get me depressed.

I would have to say I would mostly be in the top section of these lists I have just written at present, say 65%-35% not that great in an overall outlook, but at least I can recognise my faults.

(I am writing this on the 21st so the changes I will be making won't be taking place and showing in how behave, won't start to materialise until the 22nd at least)

Day 15 - WTC Countdown July 14

2012-07-15T22:09:00.000+12:00

We went up to Palmerston North to support Alex race in the Manawatu Swimming Champs and she had a great morning, swimming PB's in all her races. She must do well with a bit of work and her body responds. Now to train the mind.

With 3 swims down, 9 more to do in heats, not to mention any finals she makes, we took off for a swim and a quick bike. The temperature is dropping and I think because I'm getting tired, I'm getting a bit more itchy and getting cranky at times I wasn't before. I think I need to go back to the doctors and have a chat about getting more pills to help suppress my mood spikes, outbursts.

Back to watch Alex swim in the afternoon, then decided late to get our gear from Jane's parents place in Otaki, and drive all the way home to Wellington. The further south we travelled, the worse the weather got, but only wind. We will ride the bikes tomorrow at whatever time we get up. Will be great to get up at whenever!!

Still it has been a good day, say a 90% day!!

Day 14 - WTC Countdown July 13

2012-07-14T23:43:00.000+12:00

CAMP DAY 4

Last day, up and again my back is terrible. Damn fold out bed. Got the kids and Adults onto the bikes and up to the pool on an overcast, windier day while I drove again. Today I up'd the laps and group swimming spending nearly the whole time doing that. It's a lot different than what our swimming kids are used to. Lots of congestion, and having to fight for their space in the water. There was a lot of laughing and also grumpy faces by being hit, or frustration for not being able to get past someone else.

Once we were done, we cruised back for our last 2nd breakfast, cleaning and ready for one last session. A super super sprint tag relay with 3 teams of 4, swim 120m, 5 minutes on turbo trainer, run around the park, having an adult mixed in too. About 10 minutes each. Quite a bit of fun and once done a final fish n' chips and prizes given out.

Once done, had to wait for everyone to get collected, and Alex picked up for a weekend swim meet. She's going to be shattered tonight.

Stayed at Jane's parents, and so tired, I had a nana nap for a couple of hour, woke just in time to watch the Hurricanes v's Chiefs match. Great game/entertainment. Again, still having a good day. no real issues at all. Just need to get my own real training done, 2 x 1 1/2 hour sessions per day is what I really need to get back to, at a minimum.

I'll get there and so will the girls, once school restarts.

Day 13 - WTC Countdown July 12

2012-07-13T23:13:00.000+12:00

CAMP DAY 3

Everyone woke up late, the first rose at 7.00am, we are supposed to be at the pool and in the water in 60 minutes. So they must have been tired which is what we hoped for but done safely for them. My back started to really hurt, and I really don't complain about back pain unless it is severe

So feed, and back on the bikes, very cold this morning onthe bikes 4°C, and into the pool finally in the water at 8.20am. Today, after working on endurance swimming for most sets of 300m repeats, I made 1 big lane and got a a couple of make shift buoys and got them to swim laps, like a running track. Practicing swimming around, over, through and catching the feet of swimmers passing them. Once done in the pool, out for some running drills, nothing too strenuous, but quite specific. It was great having 3 of us for 9 kids. Each of us with our own strengths with running and able to brake off into groups. Back to the house at 10.30 again for 2nd Breakfast.

After lunch we took them out for a small hill and undulating area of Otaki. Hard enough for all the abilities of the kids, with the older ones doing repeats up the small hill. Again a few complaints about sore/tired legs, but early dinner and a movie definitely helped out.

TED is brilliant!!! and the only bad thing, the older kids went to sleep finally at 1.30am. I'm a bit tired but still having a good time. Being around so many people, I don't have time to have my head full of my own junk and issues, so I'm still having good time, even without medication.

I hope we get good weather like we have the last 2 days for our last day.

Day 12 - WTC Countdown July 11

2012-07-12T21:04:00.000+12:00

CAMP DAY 2

Got woken up at 5.30am. WOHOOOOO!!!!

9 excited kids ready to begin an eye opening experience into a full on day of training. The ones who think they are ready and the ones that are ready will show pretty quickly. Looks like a great day as far as the weather goes.

I had to give a lecture about eating enough food for breakfast, especially when on a 3 session a day training period. Some just get by on 1 Up & Go for the morning session, some 1 apple, some 1 piece of toast, and others eat properly.

We got them to cycle to the pool, not quite 5km but good to get them to do a few extra km's without actually knowing it. Into the pool and 90 mins later, back on the bikes and home again for a hobbit's 2nd breakfast!!

Hanging out with the kids and teaching is very cool, I'm really enjoying it and being away from town is great. In a really good head space too.

Headed out about 12pm for a ride around the town for about an hour, a couple of the younger kids were complaining about sore legs after 20 minutes, but we told them that is why we ask/tell them to keep cycling during spin class. They will learn the more they swim, bike and run, the stronger they will become, and endurance comes too. Once we got to a certain stretch of road, the stronger/older kids were then made to do 1.8km TT very hard efforts, and repeats. A few really tired legs and some complaints, but not real ones once we had finished. Back to the house and a late lunch. Lots eaten.

Spoke about their goals etc and plans for the next 12-18 months, with a few looking to qualify for the 16-19 AG team in 2014. Good goal, and very achievable if they really want it.

Went for a beach side run which lasted about 45 minutes and dinner. More food downed and then onto a quiz. The kids were in teams of 3, Jane and myself all by ourselves and I won he he he he. Some pretty tired kids and everyone asleep before 11pm which was great.

It's really good being here. A few minor issues with communication, but all in all, a good day.

Day 11 - WTC Countdown July 10

2012-07-11T21:34:00.000+12:00

CAMP DAY 1

Well up to a really nice clear and calm day. Busy tidying then packing the car to get up the coast on time ready to meet all the kids. With it just being me, I didn't get pressured into getting everything done on time, and I managed to do it anyway. House tidy, all washing done, car packed and on the road before 11.30am.

Got lunch for me and Alex and all the gear from her grandparents house, then to the beach house to unpack and wait. First lot began arriving just after 3pm, and the last around 6pm. Short jog around the block then dinner.

Jane arrived after coming back from Christchurch about 8.30 and then a quick chat and early to bed. Kids being kids, they chatted and finally got to sleep about 11.30pm. They'll pay tomorrow.

Things seem to be going really well at the moment, tomorrow will tell.