Waving Back at Gretzky - LA Kings Hockey Blog

Kings v. Sharks - Game 7 - "NOBODY SWITCH SEATS! STAY IN YOUR SEAT!"

noreply@blogger.com (Hermano Spreewell) — Thu, 01 May 2014 06:57:00 +0000

How many of you barfed when you heard Willie Mitchell was injured and would be replaced by Matt Greene for Game 7? Just me? Greene was a straight-up liability in Games 1 and 2, failing to clear pucks when he needed to and routinely blowing coverage outside the crease. But you know what? Greene did his job tonight. Blocked shots, boxed guys out during rebounds, and cleared the puck when necessary (save one or two times which caused me to regurgitate the donuts I was shoving into my mouth to keep from grinding my teeth into a powdery dust). I gotta give it to him, he played a helluva game.

But you know who was my first star of the game... besides Quick (for robbing Marleau in the second period and single-handedly keeping the Kings in the game for pretty much the entire… game) and Kopitar (for his dangled game-winner and feeding Brown off the opposite board for the empty-net insurance goal)?

Tanner Fucking Pearson. He played out of his mind and had one of the sickest feeds to Toffoli for the third goal. Don’t get me wrong, Toffoli finished like a champ, but it was Pearson’s speed, hustle, vision, and touch which led to that goal. Since getting the nod in Game 3, I’m positive everyone who hasn’t been watching the Kings on a regular basis has been like “Woah, who is this kid?!” He’s got “Chris Johnson breakaway” speed and his vision/hockey IQ is off the charts. Regardless of what happens in the rest of the postseason, I’m looking forward to his development next season. I mean, he’s definitely earned himself a spot on the squad next year, right? Am I seeing things?

But as much as I want to credit the Kings for executing when necessary, blocking key shots, clearing away critical rebounds, and never giving up, tonight’s loss is less about what the Kings did and more about what the Sharks couldn’t do. Going 0 for 6 on the power play is not gonna win you shit. [Wait…….. THAT’S JAMIE KOMPON’S MUSIC!!!] Erasing Games 1 and 2 from your memory, you have to know that Quick is going to return to form, especially after getting the shutout in Game 5 and only allowing 1 goal in Game 6. So you have to capitalize on the power play and the refs today were handing out gifts, left and right. Granted, the elbowing penalty against Couture was a sweet embellishment by Muzzin, but it seemed like the refs were getting swayed by the hometown crowd by the second period. Credit to Jim Fox for calling hooks when there were hooks and not losing his cool. Had San Jose scored on any of those touchy-feely hooking calls, I would’ve thrown my throwback Miller Lite can through my friend’s $6 billion TV. And yes, Miller Lite is my drink of choice, obviously.

As much as I’d like to spend the next five hours trolling Sharks fans, it was a damn good series and I’m just happy the Kings fought back and prevailed. There’s no use repeating the same “choke” jokes when a team has literally suffered its most crushing defeat in franchise history. So, I guess that’s where I draw the line. Anyone who knows me knows that the Sharks are my absolute least favorite hockey team BY FAR – more than the Canucks, way more than the Ducks. But I reserve five hours of trolling on a Wednesday night for one franchise and one franchise only: FUCK THE CELTICS.

And now, your LA Kings Cup Run Chart:

Much love till my next post.

noreply@blogger.com (Hermano Spreewell) — Tue, 29 Apr 2014 15:08:00 +0000

Hermano here.

Quick Kings recap:

Dwight King, forever.

Your current LA Kings Stanley Cup Chart:

Much love till my next post.

noreply@blogger.com (Hermano Spreewell) — Sun, 27 Apr 2014 20:21:00 +0000

Hermano here.

Just a quick Cup Run update:

Go King(s) Go!

Game 4: LA Kings v. San Jose Sharks

noreply@blogger.com (Hermano Spreewell) — Fri, 25 Apr 2014 06:42:00 +0000

Hermano here.

This is my recap of the LA Kings game: we live to fight another day. And by living, we avoid descending into the very bottom of hell to see this:

GO KINGS GO!

Much love till my next post and Kings victory.

Hermano

Kings v. Ducks - The NHL Debut of Martin Jones

noreply@blogger.com (Hermano Spreewell) — Wed, 04 Dec 2013 08:23:00 +0000

Hermano here.

I remember my first NHL game, playing goalie for the LA Kings. Let me rephrase that: I remember my first game playing on the LA Kings practice rink.

Martin Jones, an undrafted goalie, was supposed to make “the leap” to the NHL last season. Unfortunately for Jones, a number of circumstances led to him playing the entirety of last season with the Manchester Monarchs, the Kings’ AHL affiliate. First, Quick didn’t exactly fully recover from off-season back surgery, which led to more playing time for Jonathan Bernier. Second, Bernier saved the Kings shortened season with his outstanding play, thereby causing Lombardi to think twice about trading him mid-season. Third, Jones took a step backward and didn’t have the season in the AHL the Kings management thought he was going to have. But once Bernier got traded this past offseason, it was a foregone conclusion that Jones would be starting the season backstopping Jonathan Quick.

Oh wait. Hi, Ben Scrivens!

Photo (and meme) courtesy of The Royal Half

Since the only thing I’ve ever wanted to be when I was old enough to form memories was a hockey goalie, I think I’ll spend an entire post commenting on the NHL debut of Martin Jones.

Thoughts on Martin Jones:

I’m too lazy to research whether any NHL team currently fields two undrafted goalies, but I’m going to guess no. (Does the tandem of Dubnyk and LaBarbera count? Low blow, I know. But Babs was a former King whom I supported during the Dark Years, so quit your whining.)

First Period:

Wow, I love the mask:

Martin Jones's mask for the 2011-2012 season. The 2013 version is very similar.

This has to be one of the sickest masks by an LA Kings goalie since Quick rocked the throwback Rogie Vachon.

Jones is not aggressive playing the puck, which is pretty much consistent with the LA Kings School of Goaltending.

What’s the longest a goalie has gone in his NHL debut before seeing his first shot? You might think it’s pretty nice not seeing your first shot almost 10 minutes into the first period, but it sucks since you never get to establish a rhythm. It really doesn’t help when your first save has to come against Saku Koivu, all alone in the slot. Jones comes up with a brilliant save, positioning himself perfectly. You might think it’s luck that Koivu didn’t elevate the puck higher, but Jones went all or nothing with the poke check and kept his glove positioned above his pad to make the stop and prevent any rebound. First test passed. For a goalie, there is nothing worse for your psyche than letting in a goal on your first shot, regardless if it's your NHL debut or not.

You have to love the Kings and their defensive style of play, especially on the penalty kill. They lay out, block shots, tip pucks wide, play the body and make the other team earn every pass, they do all the right things.

Jones is 6’4”, 189 pounds. So basically, he’s like a taller version of myself. And younger. Yeah, that's probably where the differences end.

/checks self in mirror, does 100 pushups.

Jones plays pretty deep in his crease against point shots. Not quite Lundqvist deep. And thankfully he’s not skating to the faceoff dots to stop shots from the blue line like Tim Thomas. So far, Jones reminds me of a bigger version of Bernier. And it’s not because Jim Fox has said three times already that Jones is “calm and cool” in the net, something that Bernier oozes.

Shots 6, Saves 6.

Second Period:

I’m not sure I understand the Ducks’ strategy of only taking shots during the second half of each period.

Is there anything more impossible to stop than a wrist shot from Carter? Kings lead 1-0.

Shit, a good save from Jones but not enough defenders to prevent Getzlaf from batting it in the back of the net. Jones did what he could on that original shot, but three Ducks crashed the net and only Willie Mitchell was there to prevent any second chances. Credit to Getzlaf for crashing the net. No credit to Getzlaf for squeezing into that orange cone of a Stadium Series jersey. Tied 1-1.

Okay, I know Jones is 6’4” and I know, technically speaking, he can play deeper in his crease than someone like Bernier, but it’s giving me a fucking heart attack. Quick snap shot from above the circles and Jones, playing within probably a foot inside his crease, barely gets his shoulder on it, deflecting it into the corner. That one definitely caught him off guard.

Great save by Jones against Penner off a 2-on-1 rush, produced by a sloppy Kings giveaway during 4-on-4 play. Penner made a nice play by faking the deke and trying to slip it tweeners on Jones. You gotta love how composed Jones was on that play, making the save look easy. But thank god Penner didn’t have more skill like, oh I don’t know, Kopitar:

4-on-3: Jones got lucky on that one. He’s in a half-assed V-H position and his stick barely stops that sneaky shot by Bonino, leaving a fat rebound that Jones manages to cover. Whatever, it’s better to be lucky than good. And I’m pretty sure that’s the kind of attitude it takes to make it to the NHL.

Jones with an excellent save on Selanne, coming out past the crease to cut down the angle. The Kings are monster penalty killers, but Jones still had to make 4 saves on that last kill.

I know I intended to talk exclusively about Martin Jones, but how invisible has Dustin Brown been this season? Seriously, if Sutter scratched him, would we notice?

Shots: 11, Saves: 10

Third Period:

I’m loving how aggressive Martin Jones is with the poke-check. I haven’t seen a Kings goalie like that since Robb Stauber. Okay, maybe Jones isn’t quite that aggressive.

A complete breakdown on the penalty kill leads to a Ducks goal. Da-Wight King had TWO clear chances to clear the puck, but instead hesitated as if to say “YOU clear it!” The puck finds Perry all alone in front of the crease, he freezes Jones, and properly finishes. Jones with no chance on that one – welcome to the NHL, kid. Ducks 2-1.

Dustin Brown: Just when I think I’m out… he PULLLLLLLLS me back in. (But we all know Brown’s shot was going three feet wide.) Tied 2-2.

Wow, Bob Miller just said the Ducks have 23 shots after almost 50 minutes of play. That seems pretty high – I was thinking the Ducks had something more like 16 or 17 shots on goal.

I know the action has been exciting, but I’m sweating balls over here since the Kings are basically just giving the Ducks every offensive break in the third period. Thankfully, there haven’t been too many quality chances, but I’m waiting for the hammer to drop. With this sloppy play, I’ll be happy to grab a point and take our chances in overtime.

Penner, taking a page from the Dustin Brown of defending the puck along the boards, cold-clocking Kopitar in reverse.

Great save by Jones after he botches stick-handling behind his net. Then Perry with a dick-move, shoving his blade into the chest of Jones after Jones clearly made the save. Perry did the ol’ “I was pushed into the goalie!” routine – except no one was within 3 feet of him.

Okay, one minute to go in regulation and this game is proving that a playoff series between these two teams would shave 10 years off my life. Thankfully, I plan on being black-out drunk by the time I enter Dodger Stadium in January, which will probably only shave off 2 years of my life. Win-Win!

Penalty kill with 28.7 seconds left in the game. At this point, Jones is probably doing breathing exercises and chanting “Serenity Now.” The Ducks get two great chances, but can’t find the net. Jones earns a point in his first NHL game. Not a bad debut, especially against the second place team in the Pacific.

Shots: 10, Saves: 9

Overtime:

Sweet, another penalty. Can we call a timeout and inspect all of Corey Perry’s balsa wood sticks?

Penner takes an interference penalty and all hell breaks loose with how many skaters need to be on the ice. I’m sure everyone in the arena paid good money to see all the refs and coaches point three or four fingers at each other.

Jones with an easy (but pretty!) glove save on Lovejoy’s shot from the point. Harmless, but good to see Jones challenge the shooter beyond his crease. I wonder if Billy Ranford had a conversation with Jones after the first period.

Kings with some unreal chances in overtime, but can’t finish. This is the most effort I’ve seen from the Kings in a back-to-back. The Ducks bring out the best (and worst) of the Kings. Regardless of the outcome, I think this game proved to any doubters that next year’s Stadium Series game at Dodger Stadium is going to be memorable.

Shots: 1, Saves: 1

Shootout:

Perry: Sweet move, Perry. Goes wide, probably kisses the boards, then drags it and sends it off the post. I’m concerned how deep Jones was in his net when Perry had his stick face open all day long.

Getzlaf: Hahaha, not even close. Sweet move, Getzlaf.

Bonino: Does Bonino know he’s in a shootout? It’s like someone was controlling him in NHL 13 and simply pressed the “shoot” button. What a joke.

Koivu: No way Koivu scores even if he didn’t fumble the puck at the last minute. Jones with the leg extension, but Koivu with the miss.

Selanne: I feel ill right now. Sweet save by Jones. He stands his ground and stops the tweeners shot. Man, that was a lot closer than it originally looked.

Penner: I really feel ill right now. Haha, same move he tried on the 2-on-1 back in the second period. Jones closes up well, moving side-to-side. Solid fundamentals from Jones, not overreacting to anything.

Palmieri: Great low pad save by Jones. Jim is right – the Ducks realize they’re not gonna fake out Jones, especially with how he doesn’t bite on any fakes.

Beleskey: Nice blocker save. Frankly, I have no clue why Beleskey is out there. Darryl Sutter sees your random pick, Bruce, and raises you Dwight King.

HOLY SHIT, DWIGHT KING SCORES!

Perreault: Hahahaha, nice try. Were you asleep when Dustin Penner tried his shootout move? Grind some film, buddy. Jones ain’t gonna open up for you. Better luck next time, Ducks.

What an absolutely outstanding game and a night Martin Jones will never forget. He was solid in net, wasn’t tested too much (except for that first shot on goal), didn’t let in any soft goals, and came up huge in the shootout. At this point, if I’m Dean Lombardi, I’m telling Quick to take all the time he needs.

Congratulations, Jones, you earned your first NHL win in spectacular fashion. You know who else won his NHL debut against the Ducks? Just some kid named Jonathan Bernier.

Much love till my next post.

Hermano

LA Kings v. Vancouver Canucks - New Coach, Same Gingers

noreply@blogger.com (Hermano Spreewell) — Sun, 10 Nov 2013 03:05:00 +0000

Hermano here.

Game 16 and I think it's time for a (semi) live blog. Check back here after each period for my thoughts about the game. As for my pre-game thoughts? Jim Fox's tie is STELLAR. I'd have more pre-game thoughts, but the wife is pestering me for fantasy football advice in setting her lineup. THIS SHIT DOESN'T COME FOR FREE.

See you all after the first period.

--

First period:

Julie Stewart-Binks with SeanOD. Is Julie a poor-woman’s Brooklyn Decker? (That’s supposed to be a compliment.)

It’s weird – this afternoon, I was looking at my collection of signed pucks and, naturally, focused solely on the puck signed by Sean Avery. And all I could think about was how big his smile must have been when he heard the news that Torts got fired from the Rangers. I’d show you his tweet but that would involve extra work that my body is not ready for at this moment.

The only way I could hate the new LA Kings pump-up song is if you told me it was composed by The Bouncing Souls.

Doughty with a golden opportunity, and somehow it stays out. Sweet no-replay, Fox Sports West.

Jim Fox commenting about how dynamic the defensive pairing of Muzzin and Doughty are – they’re definitely dynamic at giving me heart attacks when they both jump in below the hash marks and/or shooting the puck into a foward's legs.

Luongo sporting the new mask which, I believe, mimics a fucking beanie. A blue fucking beanie. Whatever, it’s for charity.

First break in the action – dare I say, Darryl Sutter looks… dapper?!

Yikes, first monster save by Quick. I’d prefer not to see too many of those tonight, since that generally means our defense is atrocious.

Look at Luongo maintaining his perfect butterfly stance while the Canucks break it out behind his net. #Dedication

Canucks are putting tons of bodies in the crease. Smart, that’s how you throw goalies off their game. It also means our defense is not making the Canucks pay the price for parking in the crease. This is going to hurt us if this continues.

Barf, this is sloppy. Quick robs Kesler with a Timmy Thomas-esque save to keep this at zeros. Since when did our defense look like the Oilers’?

Jim Fox with a “Sutterella” gaff – and suddenly creates the most perfect name for a rock band. Or 80’s tribute band.

Not gonna lie, Luongo’s mask is “so Monet” – you know, good from afar but far from good.

Someone plows into Quick but Williams with a break and sends it to Kopitar for the easy go….oh man, HOW did Kopitar miss that open net… It literally does not get easier than that. I love Bob Miller calling himself out for prematurely saying he scored.

Wow, Linden Vey displays shocking skill to set up the most beautiful assist I’ve seen in a very long time. And a sick finish by Nolan - that wasn’t a gimmie. But seriously, did Vey just promote himself to the first line? “Move down the line, MiniMe.”

You know, I’ve been considering it for almost two years, but I’m about one more Nolan goal/assist/fight away from buying his jersey. Thoughts?

I simply don’t understand why Martinez was scratched the first 1,308,492 games of this season. Does he do a killer Darryl Sutter impersonation? Did Sutter find out?

Does Vey play roller hockey during the offseason? He’s sporting some sick dangles. Maybe he just crushes film of Datsyuk? Speaking of grinding film, does anyone know who’s the “Gruden Grinder” of the NHL? Bylsma?

In video game lingo, the second half of this game has just been PURE OWNAGE. Sorry, PURE PWNAGE. Richards is the king of stop/start. Remember that “distinct kicking motion” goal that fucked us at the beginning of the season? Well, here’s the Toronto War Room litmus test – because this is absolutely a good game. But seriously, Toffoli, you gotta bury that gift.

Is it too soon to pick up Vey on my fantasy team?

The Kings got bailed out by Quick in the first half of the period and then suddenly realized they're Cup contenders by turning it on for the last half. I'm predicting the usual Kings strategy of dogging it in the second period, only to finish strong in the third. The Gingers have been awfully quiet, but that won't last. Speaking of quiet, where the hell has Dustin Brown been? No hits, barely any touches... if they air his #FOMOH commercial, he'll have more commercial air time than actual ice time. Our Captain, ladies and gentlemen.

Stay tuned for the second period commentary!

Second Period:

So, I was watching NHL Network this afternoon and turned on to the Bruins v. Leafs game. The announcer was talking about the Leafs and how Frattin was looking good. I was like “Yo, you got the wrong guy, Frattin doesn’t play for the Leafs anymore.” But then I realized it was a replay of last year’s Game 7. The lesson? Fuck the East.

Quick being Quick. Burrows being Burrows. Can we stop this bullshit about how Howard or Miller is gonna start for Team America next year? It’s Quick’s net, end of story. Howard is soft and Miller is mind-fucked. And Timmy Thomas is…. hahahahaha, sorry, I just can’t.

Okay, that’s the second time Quick has failed to secure the rebound, with the puck hovering dangerously in the crease. I know this because I do this ALL the time. Maybe it’s time to get a new mitt? Oh, and Jim Fox just mentioned it, too.

You gotta love Doughty and how aggressive he is. He dangles from the point, takes two steps, fires off a great shot, but keeps skating to the net in case the rebound comes his way. Most defensemen would snap the shot and then immediately peel off back to the blue line.

I haven’t watched the Swedish version of The Girl Who Played with Fire and The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest, but I imagine the villains are played by the Sedin brothers.

Kings fail to clear the zone and pay the price. Look at that, all five players are behind the hash marks. What a joke. To Quick’s credit, that was a laser. Canucks on the board, Kings still up 2-1.

Can we please give Toffoli an 8-year max contract already? What hustle to set up the beauty by Mike Richards. Oh, and Dwight Kings… just when I thought I was out, he pullllllllls me back in. And I really hope Luongo is not injured – that would cheapen this victory by the Kings. [looks around to make sure I didn’t just jinx us… cause jinxes are totally visible…]

Too late to pick up Mike Richards for my fantasy team? It’s pretty sad, really. I don’t have ANY Kings on my fantasy team. Seriously, one

Okay, that’s it – I’m getting a Nolan jersey. Way to step up. And that’s why fighting is and should remain in the game. You can’t change my opinion about fighting in the game – I’ve witnessed too many cheap shots to my teammates go unpunished due to strong penalties for fighting.

Oh, and great call, KC. Only one more Nolan assist for a Gordie Howe Hat Trick. OH PLEASE!!! [queues up credit card, opens nhl.com]

Voynov with the grind and possession, Kopitar with the unreal fake and sick pass, and Williams with the top-shelf finish. Just pure beauty. And I love that little fake by Kopitar to draw Luongo down and open up the upper corner.

OH NO!!! If you recall, the Kings DO NOT do well against mid-game backup goalie changes.

Oh my god, this is seriously unbelievable. Who knew the Kings possessed this kind of skill. At least three times on that 2 on 1, I was like “Oh, you fucked this up.” First, when Toffoli rocked too many dangles; second, when Toffoli air mails his pass to Richards; and third, when Richards decides to pass the puck out of mid-air back to Toffoli. And somehow, it all worked out and will be Number 1 on the NHL Network. You know, assuming it’s not past their bedtime.

If Torts didn’t show up on the Canucks’ bench for the start of the third period, would ANYONE be surprised?

Lewis with a golden opportunity to display those dangles (and get that first goal)… but runs out of real estate. So, does anyone on the bench want to teach Lewis how to shoot a puck higher than 11 inches?

Dustin Brown… he’s alive!!! and…… that’s the end of the second. Nice try, Dustin, way to make yourself relevant.

Stay tuned for more third period action… unless the score holds and I switch over to the UCLA game.

Third Period:

Hmmmmm, wasn’t Kings Assistant Coach John Stevens in The Sopranos, Season 5?

I’m pretty sure that was the third time Dustin Brown’s name was called. And of course, he’s down on the ice, grabbing his knee. MILK THAT PENALTY!!! It goes without saying that if that happened to any one of us, our leg would have been completely severed.

First power play for the Kings. Does Stevens draw up a formation to play keep-away for 19 minutes? Well, keep-away for 2 minutes will do just fine. You Los Angeles Kings Assistant Coaches, ladies and gentlemen!

By the way, UCLA up 24-10 against Arizona. Wildcats with the ball, 1^st and goal. Handoff to the running back who tries to jump in the end zone, gets stuffed, ball comes out, hits the running back’s foot, UCLA recovers, touchback. Back to the Kings game.

The Kings with another successful keep-away drill for 2 minutes on the Sestito penalty. Burn that clock, Stevens!!!

Bieksa and Brown going at it in ~~Luongo’s~~ Lack’s crease. Without a doubt the most significant thing our captain has done all game. Drawing the Kings’ first penalty was the second. #FOMOH was the third.

You know, I always find it funny that goalies, when they’re on the bench, wear only a hat or nothing at all. Whenever a puck comes up or near the bench, they simply flash the glove to cover their face. I guess it would look pretty ridiculous for a goalie on the bench to wear a player’s helmet, maybe one with a half-shield or even a cage. I know I wouldn’t wear one. But what I WOULD wear is something like this:

Sestito with the hat trick!!! (Bob Probert Hat Trick)

(too soon? sorry.)

Yikes, Muzzin’s shot blasts Toffoli’s leg. After Martinez almost got run, I was thinking “All we gotta do is not get injured” and then Toffoli goes down. I’m holding my breath until I see him on the ice again. [Sees Toffoli on ice, unclenches butt]

So, the game was essentially over after the second period. But you know what? It ALWAYS feels good to beat the Canucks, whether by a small or “humongous big” margin. I’m not like some of my friends, who place the Canucks as their most hated team in the NHL. (For me, that’s the Sharks. Without a doubt.) But I still haven’t forgotten the Canucks dominating the Kings in the playoffs back in 2010. And so there’ll be an extra bounce in my step tomorrow morning as I get obliterated watching football in Culver City, thanks to tonight’s win.

Lots of positives: Vey and Toffoli cementing their spots on the roster. You know, until Carter comes back. But what scares me is whether Vey just upped his trade value to a very attractive level. NHL teams would be stupid to trade with the Kings and not ask for a prospect like Toffoli, Vey, Pearson, or even Andreoff. Maybe Jones, too. Meh, I’m not totally sold on Jones, especially after last year’s step back.

The other positive is that I’m going to ask Santa for a Jordan Nolan jersey. Well, maybe just a shirsey. There can only be one named jersey for me (and it rhymes with “Belly Foody”).

What does Vigo Sutter think about today’s performance?

Much love till my next post.

Hermano

Vigo Sutter Comments on Kings v. Senators (Game 4) - October 9, 2013

noreply@blogger.com (Hermano Spreewell) — Thu, 10 Oct 2013 08:25:00 +0000

Hermano here.

The only thing that makes up for blowing a three goal lead is a ROW. Actually, that's the second best thing. The best thing that makes up for blowing a three goal lead is the sound of 18,118 panties hitting the floor when Jeff Carter scored his second of the night for the OT win.

The Kings came out firing and made the Senators pay for sloppy play and bad turnovers, especially that super sweet breakout pass that went right to a streaking Dustin Brown, ready to atone for his ridiculous goalie interference penalty. Typically, I've usually seen Brown shoot those shots wide right (for another sweet breakout pass) or right into the goalie's chest. But every once in a while, he'll rip a shot like he did, a far post snipe, and I'll suddenly say "Oh, so that's why he's in the NHL."

But forget about the game. Analyzing this game will only make me more depressed as to why we're not scoring goals on every shift and, more frighteningly, why we're giving up so many goals.

So instead, let's talk about an old joke made by The Royal Half that somehow popped right back into my brain after reading the post-game quotes.

With that, I'd like to introduce a new feature here on Waving Back at Gretzky. When I can (which, unfortunately, won't be as much as I'd like), I'm going to pull the best quote from our fearless coach and pair it with how I think he viewed his players' performance. Let's see what Vigo Sutter had to say:

[Bear with me as I continue to attempt designing a logo for this site]

Many thanks to Congress for this prolonged government shutdown so I can start learning how to use photoshop. My friends are all about to be in big trouble.

Much love till my next post. Go Kings Go!

Hermano

It's TIIIIIIIIIIIIME for Kings Hockey!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Hermano Spreewell) — Fri, 04 Oct 2013 00:14:00 +0000

Game 1 – LA Kings v. Minnesota Wild

Hermano here. And it's good to be back.

We’re live here at Casa Spreewell. I’m joined by my two cats who simply cannot give a shit that today is the season opener for the LA Kings.

I'll be updating this post as each period ends, so feel free to F5 this whenever you want. GO KINGS GO!!!

--
First Period:

Minnesota, garnering old KNAC music for their intro. I feel like this is the stuff they play for the World Air Guitar Championship.

I love Minny’s new 2013-2014 slogan: IT’S ON! What’s on tap for next year, “VEGAS, BABY!”? What about "IT IS so ON!"?

I’m really not loving that Verizon commercial where people try to deduce the coverage maps of various carriers. Mostly because that lame chick at the end looks like a reject from Rock of Love.

Dustin Brown on the third line? I’m looking forward to Dwight King’s -3 and Dustin’s return next week. Wait, erase that jinx right now. My bad.

Glad to see Jonathan Quick’s new profile picture no longer makes him look like a homicidal teenager.

Woah, HAPA ALERT behind the Wild’s bench!

Well this is going to be a very long season. Whatever, we’re more of a third period team. Or, we’re more of a “Review from Toronto” kind of team.

I love the announcer: That does not look like a deliberate kicking motion. [Backtracks upon seeing the replay.] Sigh, Free Bob Miller & Jim Fox!

Looks like Matt Cooke played a lot of soccer in the offseason.

This is such bullshit. I hate you Toronto – we give you Leiweke, we give you Bernier, and you still manage to screw us.

I still can’t get past this – in what planet does turning your foot for the purpose of deflecting the puck into the net is not classified as a “distinctive kicking motion”?

How much are we paying Jeff Carter again? I’m fine with giving him an unsolicited 10-year extension.

I love it – puck gets deflected over the glass, play is blown dead, and Backstrom does some practice butterflies to stay loose. It’s like a batter taking practice swings in the on-deck circle, only slightly more ridiculous. Hey, if it works for him maybe it’ll work for me later tonight in my beer-league game? We’ll find out.

Surprised Toronto hasn’t called to reverse the delay of game penalty against the Wild.

You know how this is gonna be a good year? (1) Doughty scores in game one; (2) the Kings score on the power play; (3) Doughty isn’t rocking ten pounds of extra greasy hair weight.

Don’t we have approximately 20 defensemen on the roster? It looks like we’re playing all forwards today. What a joke – I hope Quick is ready to face 50 shots a night.

Wow, close call – Fraser almost pulled a Derek Sutton, falling to the ground without his helmet. I guess that makes Ballard the new Carl Racki, but way less better looking.

Attention Minnesotans – is that hapa girl behind the Wild’s bench a “Minnesota 10”? I’ve never been to Minnesota and, consequently, judge their women as they appeared in Fargo.

Backstrom still practicing his butterflies after the play is blown dead. What a champion.

Can we get an asterisk next to Cooke’s name for that first goal?

Quick takes a hard shot off his shoulder – and I’m seriously holding my breath until I hear there’s no collateral damage.

Clifford with the Kings’ second boarding penalty. Offensive penalties are simply recipes for bad karma. Like, you know, another goal off someone’s foot.

Serious question – is our defense atrocious or is Minnesota really good offensively?

Well, I hope you learned your lesson, Clifford. And what the fuck are three guys collapsing on the puck while killing a penalty? I know Doughty doesn’t have his stick, but that doesn’t mean two more need to help out. I’d like to blame Regehr, but it was Richards’ man.

Brown getting booed by the crowd. I love it – I hope Brown scores and then immediately points to his elbow. And then maybe a throat cutting gesture, just for good measure. Or maybe an Arron Asham “go to sleep” gesture, just in case those Minnesotans don’t get it.

Commentary about Matt Frattin’s move from Toronto (saying it’s “a big city”) to LA, specifically Manhattan (saying it’s “a small town”). I think the editors left out Frattin’s additional comment about how Manhattan is “MILF central.”

Ugh, and that’s the end of the first. It’s still 1-1 in my mind. See you in a few for the second period.

Second Period:

Jeff Carter open net miss. Jeff Carter hasn’t failed to score on something that wide open since his first visit to the Lilith Fair.

FIGHT! I don’t know why, but it never ceases to amaze me when Kyle Clifford fails to completely wreck someone’s face in a fight. Doesn’t the guy just look like he can put his fist through your face? And yet it doesn’t happen? Maybe I should sent Clifford a copy of my favorite martial arts movie, Bloodsport. WWJCVDD?

I keep forgetting that Minnesota was a playoff team last season. I keep thinking they’re bottom of the barrel – but I think I’m just remembering the Zidlicky years.

I hate to say this, but our defense is atrociously suspect. Failing to pick up the trailer, getting burned on the wings, not blocking enough shots. It’s like we’ve got a Stanley Cup hangover despite winning the Cup last season. (Wait, I should stop bitching – I’m on Year 2 of my 5-Year Grace Period from bitching about the Kings.)

/marks “X” on October 1, 2017.

Halfway through the second period and the Kings only have 9 shots on goal. I’m really looking forward to more Backstrom practice butterflies during breaks.

Uh oh, the wife is home – what’s the over/under before she demands to watch something else? I’m putting the line at 45 seconds. Any bets?

Yup, still need subtitles for Sutter bench interviews. “If I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!”

True to form, it appears the LA Kings still take periods off. I’m just hoping they’re taking this second period off and not both the second and third.

Richards is definitely not looking like he deserves a spot on the Canadian Olympic roster. So, naturally, I hope he makes the squad. Win-win!

Sweet, another offensive-zone penalty. Surprise surprise, Kyle Clifford! Stop trying to make “Fetch” happen, Cliffy.

I feel like I’d make fun of Niederreiter’s name more, if the Niedermayer brothers never existed.

This period cannot end fast enough. And if you picked “Over 30 seconds,” then you just won some money.

Bleh. I’m hoping Sutter lights a fire under these guys. No passion, no power, no perseverance, no pride, no… nothing. Let’s start the season off with a win, boys. Change it up in the third. We’ll see.

End of the second.

--

Third Period:

Commentary about how guys might be giving something extra to show they can make an Olympic roster… I’M LOOKING AT YOU, MIKE RICHARDS!!!

Yes! Backstrom dead whistle butterfly drops! Double-yes, playing the puck with your hands on the faceoff penalty against Minnesota!! Triple-yes, Jamie Kompon not in charge of the LA Kings’ power play!!! (zero shots on goal) “The more things change, the more they stay the same.”

Hey Fantasy Hockey Commissioner, do we get points if Ryan Suter holds the Kings to no shots on goal during a penalty kill? Asking for a friend.

Fine, an easy joke: The Kings know this isn’t a preseason game, right?

It’s not a good sign when your first line is playing like they’re in slow motion, right? And that leads to a sweet slashing penalty off a dumb turnover. Man, how does that slash not amputate a limb?

Hrrrrm, halfway through the third period and the Kings are no closer to putting any offensive pressure on the Wild to steal this game. Are the Kings playing the second half of a back-to-back series? This is a joke. Thankfully there are 81 more games to find our fire. Actually, thankfully we don’t look as horrendous as the Ducks. Did you see that game last night? What an embarrassment… for pretty much everyone including the center divider.

Oh man, finally. I was about to rip Regehr for blowing the initial pass from Richards… but then he goes and TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF Well, sort of – it’s all thanks to Jeff Carter. He’s on pace for 82 goals. Just like Doughty. But it’ll be tough to beat Ovechkin’s projected 2,492,113 goals for the season.

I can’t take any more of these penalties. I’m switching to the Dodgers ga….HOLY SHIT, 5-1, bases loaded, 1 out!!! Strikeout. Crap. Okay, back to the Kings.

Wow, Quick… holy shit…. heart attack… no stick… scrum in front.. everyone down… clears it outta the zone. It’s definitely time to change my boxers. Trevor Lewis with the monster save – he must’ve been watching Backstrom do his butterfly drops during the breaks, because that was PERFECT form. Is it sad that I keep thinking Lewis signed with Vancouver? I know, I know, it was Richardson. So, basically, I wake up every morning thinking “Oh thank god Trevor Lewis is still with the Kings.”

Overtime:

I could really use a Doughty end-to-end right about now. That’s like saying “Right now would be a perfect time for an interception returned for a touchdown” when the ball is on your 10 yard line. Apples and oranges, you say? Hey look, this OT is brought to you by Advil!

Shootout:

Remember when Quick was unstoppable in shootouts? Remember when Jarret Stoll was absolutely money in shootouts? Well, we’re about to find out if they can recreate the magic.

Parise: Sweet move, bro. Fake to the backhand to go tweeners? Nice try.

Kopitar: Dirty move, unreal. Man, Backstrom plays his shooters really deep in his crease.

Koivu: Sweet techno pump-up music. Even sweeter poke check. Perfectly executed.

Carter: We’re officially calling that move “The Carter.” Forehand, backhand roof, celly. Kings win.

Final thoughts: Let’s be honest here, the Kings stole this victory. They played like absolute dogshit for the entirety of the second and almost all of the third period. I really hope it’s just a matter of shaking off the cobwebs. What really concerns me is that Justin Williams is the only guy on our top line playing like he belongs there.

But two points is two points. And now we’re two points ahead of the Ducks. But that’s not saying much.

Much love till my next post. Go Kings Go!

Hermano

2013 Season: I'm still not happy

noreply@blogger.com (Marie) — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 13:00:00 +0000

I have refrained from writing so far this season because the NHL Lockout completey sapped my enthusiasm for The Cup victory (and subsequent celebrations), the LA Kings, and hockey in general. Of course, I will always LOVE hockey and my Kings, but I was and still am so pissed off at the NHL Commissioner, owners, and players. I have no idea who to hate more or who to blame for half a season of hockey, so instead my disgust is dispersed evenly among everyone. In the end, I have to remember the NHL is a business and the owners need to be able to at least try and turn a profit and the players have their right to be paid what they are worth (or what they think they are worth; hey, I'm sure all of us at one point bitched about our salary and benefits). However, I am most upset that a new agreement took as long as it did. I think it is incredibly inexcusable that all involved parties could not come to an agreement before the season should have started. It makes me wonder: why the heck do I love a business this much?

As much as I love hockey and the LA Kings, I have decided not to buy any tickets to games this season. That Drew Doughty jersey I've been pining over for the past several seasons? It can wait. In fact, I was going to put a moratorium on all spending this season, but I couldn't pass up the chance to purchase this gaudy bastard:

awwwwww shhhiiiiiiiiiiiittttttt! That ring looks DAMN FINE on my hand!

The Cup ring is so awesome it ate my wedding ring AND engagement ring.

Well worth the $25.

I wouldn't have gotten it at all if it hadn't been for my hermano's burning desire to have one himself. I didn't even know such an item existed until he texted me one day asking if I could stop by the Team LA Store to get him one (and he even offered to pay for mine). Unfortunately, I was out of town for the next few days and, of course, all things Stanley quickly sold out. Thankfully the Kings re-stocked their store and my hermano was heading to the next game so he bought four. FOUR! Seriously, after the initial text conversation I was beginning to worry he was going to turn into the Hulk and race up the 110 in a fit of rage determined to get his hands on a replica Cup ring, which actually looks nothing like the actual LA Kings Stanley Cup ring (am I the only one bothered by this??? I'm not even talking about the diamonds. Where is the huge Kings logo?). Anyway, I'm still happy with the ring and my hermano is definitely happy. He doesn't have to troll ebay. He doesn't have to fret over buying a counterfeit. Yes, these were all concerns he had.

And about that half season of hockey? Yeah, it sure does look like the season started haphazardly. Glad to see most of the Kings kept their Cup celebrations going during the lockout as opposed to training for the eventual start to the season. A lot of the games have been a wee bit painful to watch. The Kings will be lucky to make it into the playoffs this year......wait, I seem to recall saying that last year.

Kings v. Ducks (Third Period) - Live Blogging!

noreply@blogger.com (Hermano Spreewell) — Sun, 03 Feb 2013 05:51:00 +0000

(Second Intermission)

Stoll’s grandmom is awesome – she reminds me of Happy Gilmore’s grandma. “You didn’t pay your taxes, grandma?!”

These “Secondhand smoke is a killer” commercials are awesome – I wish my secondhand smoke morphed into a hot chick with jugs who immediately performs a striptease. Too much to ask?

(Third Period)

Okay, that’s better – I’ve got my replica Stanley Cup Champions ring on, which means it’s time to win.

Bob talking about Teemu being 42 and still rocking. Wife asked if he’s the one Duck I actually like. Yes, it’s really difficult not to like Teemu, especially if you were collecting hockey cards back in the day and was stoked to get a Teemu Upper Deck rookie card.

Sweet giveaway by Nolan on the 2 on 1. Come on, Nolan, just rip it, like your fists.

I’d like to modify Bob Miller’s pronunciation of Jonathan Bernier to “Beyrn-neeyay.”

Hiller giving up the juiciest rebound off Kopitar’s shot – and just stays in the butterfly, waiting for Brown to shoot it. Jim Fox calls Hiller’s movement “calm and relaxed” – I call it “Derrrrrrrpppp…”

Penner has been absolutely invisible since drawing that penalty in the first period. So has Lewis, Clifford, Carter, and Fraser (not surprising).

Kopitar with a rare two-penalty game. Not his finest effort to say the least. I think he’s just pissed that Bobby Ryan hasn’t said Hello since the puck dropped in the first period.

Sutter with a classic open-mouthed blank stare from the bench – I think he’s wondering who’s that guy with the white mask in the Kings’ net.

[resisting all urges to comment on Anaheim’s power play…]

My buddy’s girlfriend was a Ducks fan. I’m so glad they broke up.

And there it is – what a joke. Bernier stopping the first shot and our defense completely unaware that it’s their job to clear the rebound.

Sweet, the Kings have called a “hat trick timeout” to find out what the fuck is going on.

My god, those are some BOOTY SHORTS on that Ice Girl! Might have to take a bathroom break right now.

Bernier Analysis – When our defense lets quick forwards blow by them on the wing, Bernier challenges that forward by coming out of his crease, moving laterally. The problem is that he’s not quick enough to recover should the forward slide the pass back to the slot. We haven’t been burned yet, but this might come back to burn us.

Penner with a shitty penalty. Sutter should just tell him to go straight to the locker room. The Tale of Two Penners continues. Can someone tell him that the playoffs start next week? While you’re at it, can someone tell Brown that there are trade rumors floating around? Thanks.

Bobby Ryan really selling that slewfoot.

Patrick O’Neal with the NHL injury report. Michael Chiklis and some skinny Asian dude in the background.

Scuderi with a monster block that probably would’ve shattered a normal person’s leg into a billion shards.

Do you want to know why our penalty kill is sucking balls? The penalty kill is all about putting pressure on the puckholder – which requires the killers to skate hard and force bad passes. “Active sticks” is what Jim Fox likes to call it. Unfortunately, the Kings look like they ran marathons right before the game.

Drewiske, after taking a puck to the face, shaking it off like a man.

Bernier almost getting schooled by Selanne while holding the V-H position.

And just like that, there’s six minutes left. Hiller doesn’t really deserve this win – instead of a “W” the statistician should give Hiller a “PiN” – Participated in Net.

Ducks are playing “prevent D” right now.

Doughty with a monster shot, blocked by Allen (in the back!) – were it anyone else, they’d be paralyzed.

Upcoming schedule – meh, whatever. Not looking forward to the Detroit-St. Louis back-to-back. Can’t wait to see some JMFJ jerseys.

Wow, pulling Bernier with 2:50 left? In the words of Teddy KGB: “Veeeeeeeeeery aggyresssssive.”

Selanne with an empty netter. Game. Blouses.

Well, unless Nolan unleashes some more NOLANFISTS, that’s it for tonight.

Final thoughts:

Kings looked winded and, at times, drunk. The first period was a joke and we were flat-out lucky to keep it respectable throughout the entire game (until Bonino’s hat trick). Our defense is atrocious and we were completely exposed by forwards taking it behind the net with speed and finding the creeping forward at the top of the crease. Hiller sucks, so that’s a relief, but he was better than Quick/Bernier. This is another one of those “sleep it off and skate hard in practice tomorrow morning” type of games. What a joke – these are the Stanley Cup Champions? I keep having to remind myself that we’re fielding essentially the same fucking team (minus Greene and Mitchell – HUGE losses at the blue line) as we did last June. It’s not like Chicago, who had to blow up their team after they won. It’s the same guys sucking wind, failing to clear pucks, failing to block shots (except for Doughty and Drewiske’s face), failing to pick up the crashing forward, taking stupid offensive penalties, and just quitting.

We’ll see what kind of team shows up on Tuesday in Columbus.

Things I’m thankful for: Not having to listen to Brian Hayward for 3 hours.

Much love till my next post.

Kings v. Ducks (Second Period) - Live Blogging!

noreply@blogger.com (Hermano Spreewell) — Sun, 03 Feb 2013 04:52:00 +0000

(First Intermission)

Oh man, Bobby Ryan and Kopitar “texting every day since they’ve been back [from Sweden]” – awwww, that’s sooooo sweet. I’m thinking they should buy each other those awesome 2” x 3” Valentine’s Day cards and include some “Be Mine” sweethearts candy. Shit, Valentine’s Day is approaching – time to get serious.

Damn, it’s the “DAVE” commercial. I never saw that ginger-Dave on “These are the Daves I know” from Kids and the Hall, so I refuse to acknowledge ginger-Dave’s existence.

I don’t get it – Jim Fox and Bob Miller CONSTANTLY flash their Stanley Cup Champions ring (as they should!), but Daryl Evans keeping it bare.

(Second Period Starts)

Allll right, time to start the second period. Kings with the 5 on 3 advantage for the next 50 seconds. In other words, time for the Kings to shoot the puck wide for the next 50 seconds.

What a beauty. Brown untouched in front and calmly collects the rebound.

Boudreau has to pull Hiller – he looks awful. On second thought, just kidding – don’t listen!!!

Wow, Hiller still in net. Thanks!!!

Woah, Bob dropping the old-school “Mighty Ducks” line! I like how he chuckled after that gaffe.

Jesus, when was the last time Hiller collected a rebound? Did someone tell Hiller during warmups to cross his eyes, and then smacked Hiller in the back of the head?

Man, left-handed goalies freak me the fuck out. That’s mostly why I absolutely HATED the Mathieu Garon era – well, also because he sucked.

Holy shit, Nolan is REPPING INDIAN LAND!!! What a badass – Nolan throwing some serious haymakers, but Allen on his knees still throwing back. Great fight. Westgarth-WHO?

Fowler doing his “stand up quick after soaking in the hot tub for 30 minutes and pass out” impression.

I’m convinced someone told Doughty that the voters for the Norris Trophy are in attendance today. He is playing like a man possessed. Like Forrest Whitaker in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Bernier calmly stoning that breakaway attempt. No rebound. Hiller is jelly, brah!

I can’t tell if our defense is simply terrible today, or if our forwards aren’t backchecking worth shit. I think it’s the latter.

I really think Bob Miller is LOVING the fact that Jon Bernier is in net – mostly so he can use that faux French-Canadian accent in pronouncing it “Ber-neeyay”…

Drewiske almost getting burned on a through-pass, but saved by the linesman.

This game is getting dull – is Nolan out of the box yet?

Sloppy play by the Kings leading to a near scoring chance on the wraparound and a terrible penalty by Kopitar.

Good to see Anaheim’s power play is worse than ours.

Man, I forgot how awesome Ber-neeyay is. Well, maybe it’s not so much him but his white mask.

Fuck, shame on me for talking trash about Anaheim’s power play. That one barely trickled in. My worst nightmare has come true – there has been wayyyyy too much Bro Hymn lately. Seriously, how did that one trickle in? Tuck that armpit in, bro!

Well, if I’m Dean Lombardi, I’m keeping Bernier and letting him go for nothing – Sutter isn’t going to start Bernier enough for interested suitors to get a good idea of what they’re getting and, therefore, won’t pay the price we’d want. So, F it – let Bernier back up Quick the rest of the season and then set him free into the wild.

Is it just me or is Carter just going through the motions?

Doughty slamming his butt end into the floor – I’m loving the intensity. Then again, it’s the only display of intensity (other than NOLANFISTS) from this pathetic Kings team. What a joke of a second period.

Time to start knocking on Hiller again – although, before I start, I think I’ll give him credit for being the first(?) goalie to rock the gold cage.

Carter getting his helmet knocked off and then sweeping it into Hiller’s net – that was awesome. Almost as awesome as the Kings giving up another gimme to Souray right out of the box. Tie up that fucking trailing forward, for fucks sake.

Wow, I haven’t seen a Kings goalie stickhandle with ease since…

And just like that, Williams goes top cheese and we’re tied!!!

My god, what a bounce – but it’s still Hiller’s fault for not sealing the top shelf (or even the top HALF of the goal) off the post.

Annnnnnddddd, there’s the usual display of stickhandling by a Kings goalie! Here’s hoping our penalty kill unit blocks some shots this time around – rather, someone other than Norris-contending Doughty.

Hey kids who are budding goaltenders: DO NOT pay attention to anything Jonas Hiller is doing right now.

[resisting urge to talk shit about Anaheim’s power play…]

My god, I can’t believe I just did that – what a monster shot by Palmieri (WHO? That’s definitely a deli meat). Shame on us for not clearing the puck when we had the chance, again.

Well, if there’s one thing we’re really good at, it’s making Hiller give up awful rebounds for goals…

I think someone switched Hiller’s contacts with contacts to use at 3D movies.

Speaking of jinxing things, 2:26 to go in the second and no requests to stop watching TV. This is awesome.

Listen, if the Kings were coming off an OT thriller from Friday night, I wouldn’t feel too bad about the way we’re skating. But we look slow, out of sync, and pathetic. Only Hiller is saving us from ourselves.

And that’s it for the second.

More to follow…

Kings v. Ducks - Live Blogging!

noreply@blogger.com (Hermano Spreewell) — Sun, 03 Feb 2013 03:54:00 +0000

Hermano here.

We’re live from the Hermano Spreewell household. The beauty of being married is that you live with someone who has a much better memory. The over/under for when I’ll be drawn away from the game to complete some long-forgotten chore is probably 6 minutes into the second period.

Thankfully, I don’t have to do the “pause the game, turn on IHeartRadio, and attempt to sync the game with Nick Nickson and Daryl Evans” veteran move, on account of Fox Sports showing the game on two channels. I’d like to thank everyone for petitioning their Congressman for convincing Fox Sports that Kings fans would rather “watch” the game on AM 1150 than listen to Bryan Hayward. Now I know how Lakers-haters feel about Mychal Thompson.

We’re under way!

Woah, Penner with an early shot attempt (that went wide), trying to show everyone he hasn’t lost any steam after sitting in the nose bleeds for three straight games.

I see Sutter has rewarded Mike Richards for his beautiful shootout goal by starting his line.

I’d better not hear Bro Hymn in the next three hours. Seriously, Warchild. Isn’t Pennywise from Hermosa? Shame on you, Orange County.

I hate the Ducks, but mostly for two reasons: (1) Brian Hayward is the worst color commentator in the history of sports and (2) the Ducks won the Cup before we did. That last one really bugged me prior to June.

Hiller looks rusty – that’s a good sign.

Shit. Here we go – “WOAAAHHH WOAH WOAH WOAHHHHHHH, WOAHHHHH, WOAHHHHHH, WOAHHHHH!”

Well, enjoy that assist, kid from the LBC. My god, Bonino (is that a type of salami?) just smoked both Muzzin and Quick. I think he just earned a shit-load more respect from everyone in the league.

Did our team just come from Happy Hour? I feel like everyone on the Kings just chugged a stein of beer before warmups.

Williams – great move, great non-finish. Kinda like his shootout attempt.

Did everyone on the Kings ingest valium? This is ridiculous. I’m launching an investigation – I think someone bribed the Kings equipment manager and poured liquid lead into everyone’s skates.

WOAAAAAHHHHHH WOAH WOAH WOAHHHHH!!!!!

Speaking of ears bleeding.

I’d like to welcome Jon Bernier to the 2013 season!!!! UP THAT TRADE VALUE!!!

In all honesty, I love Bernier. I still remember his first start in London and the sick side-to-side save he had against [insert dude from Anaheim].

Woah, since when did Bernier ditch the Reebok pads? Let’s hope CCM is the real deal.

Are the Kings able to call a 20 minute time-out? No? I’d like to phone a friend, then.

Has a team ever just skated off the rink and into the locker room? I feel like the Kings might not return to the ice after this TV time out.

Some part of me wishes Jon Quick was wearing a hat that had a photo of the Conn Smythe. Then again, 2 goals on 3 shots ain’t exactly Conn Smythe numbers.

Wow, we’ve got possession inside Anaheim’s zone for more than 10 seconds!

Hiller rocking a Koho stick – do they still make those? Sick. My first (legit) stick was a Koho. My first non-legit stick was a Mylec, obviously. #CaliforniaKid

Jim Fox says “People are buying in to Bruce Boudreau.” I think that translates to: “People are learning to tune out Bruce Boudreau’s mouth-diarrhea.”

What are the odds that, after drawing that penalty, Penner goes to the bench and asks Sutter “Did you see that?”

I feel like Hiller’s eyes are seeing everything inverted. Now, if we can only get a shot on goal…

Yup, that was pretty. Brown with the Kings second straight goal – in two games.

I’m not sure if our power play is rocking, or if the Ducks are just atrocious on the penalty kill. I have a feeling that question won’t be answered for another six months.

Kings tie it up. I’m actually positive the Kings scored 5 seconds before that, so we’ll see who they credit with the goal.

See, I told you Hiller is seeing everything inverted.

Do you think Stoll wishes his hair wasn’t so curly? Or, ladies, does that add to his appeal?

Patrick O’Neal talking about Mike Richards and his $700 belt. I guess you have that kind of money lying around for a belt if you wear the same Redneck Rebellion t-shirt 7 days a week.

Whenever I hear $700 belt, I immediately think about Charlie Murphy and his $500 sweater. “I WANT MOOOOOOORE!!!” (If you don’t know where that’s from, you’d better youtube the deleted scenes from Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Stories.

Sick save by Bernier, thanks to a sweet turnover by Penner. I’ve got a man-boner for Bernier’s white mask – reminds me so much of the old school “Jason” style masks.

I’m loving the tips we’re getting in front of the net – if the Ducks allow us to stand untouched at the top of the crease, we’re gonna get a few more… unless they block 200 shots like Nashville on Thursday.

Jesus, we are getting dominated down below. Fraser and Clifford, failing to pick up Getzlaf at the top of the crease. Man, he skated in UNTOUCHED. My guess is that Fraser and Clifford didn’t want to get Getzlaf’s Hair-AIDS.

[takes break to spend another $200 for tickets to win an authentic LA Kings Stanley Cup Championship ring]

This is officially the worst I’ve seen the Kings play since going up by 4 goals against San Jose in the playoffs two years ago.

Jim Fox breaking down the Doughty-Selanne “game within the game.” My guess is that Selanne told Doughty to stay away from his daughter. [Checks Wikipedia – Selanne’s daughter is 6 years old… Whatever.]

Hiller looks awful. Did everyone notice that Dan Ellis (the world’s greatest fake Twitter account) got a shutout the other day? What a pro. #PayThatManHisMoney

Drewiskie drawing a sweet interference penalty. I’m guessing Beauchemin told the ref “That guy can’t even skate!” Interestingly, that’s what the guys who play against my beer league hockey team say when we draw penalties.

End of the first. Looking forward to 5:59 into the second period. More to follow…

LA Kings Stanley Cup Parade Photos

noreply@blogger.com (Marie) — Mon, 18 Jun 2012 03:58:00 +0000

I can't believe the Stanley Cup Parade was less than a week ago. Shit, the LA Kings won the Stanley Cup less than a week ago too! This week has felt so long, but maybe it's because I've been savoring every moment of the Kings' playoff run. My eyes start to well up every time I think about the playoffs and the Stanley Cup and remind myself that the Los Angeles Kings won the Stanley Cup!

I was looking forward to the Stanley Cup parade so much and was absolutely paranoid that I might have to go on a business trip. Thankfully I was in town and was able to skip out on work early to join the fans who lined up hours before the start of the parade.

The first thing I noticed as I walked from my office to Figueroa Street was the sheer number of police officers. It seemed a bit outrageous, but I suppose it's understandable that the City wanted to prevent a riot at all costs.

Here is a group of cops

Oh look, more cops....doing nothing.

How about some horsies? What are they called in Canada? Mounties? Hahahahaha!

Regular cops, bike cops, horsie cops. This photos is only missing the segway cops, but they were there.

If only Olympic was always this empty....

I didn't know what to expect of the parade. I've never attended a Lakers Championship parade and have never seen clips of any other NHL Stanley Cup parade. It was great to see each bus crawl down Figueroa and see the boys stand at the front of the bus. I was most touched whenever I saw a player taking photos of the crowd. I never thought about what it would be like on their side. I guess if I was in their shoes, I would have been shit-housed and on the verge of ripping off my jersey and throwing it into the crowd. But for the most part, the Kings were pretty tame....or at least they looked tame.

Trevor Lewis is obviously checking me out. (Hi, Trevor!)

Bob Miller sighting!

Alec Martinez with the perfect pageant wave.

Who knew Luc Robitaille would be the most enthusiastic person on Team Bus 6?

Team Bus 6!

Mike Richards got "thumbs-up" lessons from Bill Clinton.

Matt Greene was the rowdiest player as he held up the Cup for everyone to see.

Who the heck is the guy with the beard?

As this bus rolled by, Kyle Clifford kept pointing at someone. I'm assuming he was pointing out his next victim because that guy is a beast and feeds off human blood.

"I'm coming after you. Yeah, you!"

If KFC had looked to this left, then he would have seen this sign:

I am shocked. SHOCKED! that the only marriage proposal sign I saw at the parade was for Kyle Clifford. I mean, seriously, really? Clifford? I'd be scared to be left alone in the same room with him, let alone want to marry him. Dude seems crazy!

After the parade we milled around LA Live before the rally inside Staples Center started. I saw these guys and liked their signs. I think I saw some other people with them. Not sure who made them, but I think they're pretty cool, especially the side with all the names.

Thankfully, my hermano and I got tickets to the rally. Unfortunately, we were facing the backs of everyone and I don't have a telephoto lens, so all the close-ups are photos of the jumbotron. Pretty ghetto, but whatever. It's the experience that matters and believe me, it was fucking awesome!!

It was funny watching the players walk to their seats. It's just odd seeing the players in their street clothes and being reminded that most of them are in their early 20s! They're just kids! My hermana-in-law couldn't believe how young Jonathan Quick looks and commented that he must be having a great week seeing that he won the Stanley Cup and graduated from high school in the same week.

The players' speeches were pretty good. Dustin Penner started them off with a humorous, borderline racist speech. I don't know half the shit he said because he was trying to speech Spanish (and get approval from Alec Martinez). Drew Doughty was Drew Doughty. Not quite sure why he gave a speech. Matt Greene made fun of Drew Doughty's inability to speak eloquently for more than 5 seconds. Anze Kopitar got the fans riled up when he mentioned wanting to win the Cup AGAIN! Quick killed it by dropping an unexpected f-bomb...and then a couple more. I'm getting the sense he's one of those guys who curses every fifth word. And Dustin Brown showed how much he has matured over the years as an LA King and delivered a tremendous speech that really made me proud to have him as a captain. It's just inconceivable right now to think his name was even in the trade rumor mill this season.

I made fun of Darryl Sutter a lot during the season. There is just something so goofy about this guy. But, you know what? He led this team to a Stanley Cup, so he can wear whatever he wants, smile however he wants, talk however he wants, make super awkward fist pumps however often he wants because he'll always go down as the Coach of the Los Angeles Kings Stanley Cup Championship team!

Oh Darryl....what are you....oh forget it. You're kind of awesome.

and,

To Dean Lombardi,

You are my hero.

Thank you :)

(oh sweet Hockey Jesus, I just started crying again....)

LA Kings Stanley Cup Parade: Jersey Fouls

noreply@blogger.com (Marie) — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 02:33:00 +0000

An emotional blubbering blog post about the Los Angeles Kings winning the Stanley Cup will come at a later date. First up, we need to discuss the jersey fouls witnessed at the LA Kings Stanley Cup parade.

I met up with my hermano and his friends at around 6th and Figueroa a couple hours before the parade started. A bunch of Kings fans were already lined up and as we walked down a couple blocks I started noticing jersey foul after jersey foul. Since there wasn't much else to photograph, besides bored-looking LAPD officers, I decided to photograph as many jersey fouls as possible as we made our trek down Fig to LA Live.

This first photo isn't exactly a jersey foul, but the first non-Kings jersey I spotted. Dude, seriously? A Blackhawks jersey? To a Kings Stanley Cup parade? Loser.

Again, this next one is not quite a jersey foul, but it did stop me in tracks.

And then I felt a bit weird that I was taking a photo of a chick's ass. I just don't get this one. Why would you get "King's Bitch" across the bottom of a sweatshirt? The apostrophe also bothers me (see below for another example) because I think it should be "Kings' Bitch". Right? It's the "Los Angeles Kings", not the "Los Angeles King".

Ok, so maybe I shouldn't have labeled this post "Jersey Fouls", but I had to stop and take a photo of this "vintage" jacket.

I've never seen this design....and I hope I never do again because it's so freaking hideous! Hahaha, it has buildings (presumably Downtown LA even though the Kings of that era played a lot closer to the beach) and it looks like there are lightning bolts or "Z"s....not quite sure what's going on. I wonder how much he paid for the jacket. Man, I should have asked him where he got it.

Ok folks, our first real jersey foul and there are two in one photo!! I was really excited to take this photo:

I think the one on the left said "C MEYER"....personal name, unacceptable. The one on the right: "THE BUN". I was stumped when I first saw it and it still doesn't make any sense to me. Please leave a comment if you know what or who that's in reference to.

With this next photo, I assume the owner is referring to Kyle Clifford because he is kind of a beast, but I'm not 100% sure since I didn't have the courage to ask her since I was worried she would turn into an animal:

"ANIMAL"? Really? Before Kyle Clifford, Michael Cammalleri wore #13 and I most definitely would not describe him as an animal.

Here's another two-fer, but one is a jersey foul and the other is a vintage jersey (although I admit I had to look it up).

"BIG JON" with the double zero number....*vomit*. At first I thought "JOYAL" might be a jersey foul (personal name infraction), but I looked it up and discovered Eddie Joyal was a member of the Los Angeles Kings between 1967 and 1972, so shame on me for not knowing my LA Kings history before I was born. But seriously, that's a pretty rare jersey to be seen in LA.

I don't know what's going on here. I assume it's a surname....or his girlfriend's name. Pretty lame without a doubt though.

I saw this "King's Cup" t-shirt a couple times and I'm convinced it's an apostrophe fail. Sure, you could say it's "Dwight King's Cup", but it's not the "King's Cup", it's the "Kings' Cup", as in the "Los Angeles Kings' Cup". I don't think this is an official NHL licensed merchandise:

Why would you wear this shirt?

I guess at least the guy is honest about it.

The next two photos are of the same guy. First up is his tattoo on the back of his calf.

I'm not sure how I feel about this tattoo. It's just an odd location for it.

But nice purse, bro.

Good times, Kings fans! Thanks for keeping me entertained during the 2-hour plus wait for the parade. Let's do it again soon! :)

A Classy and Scholarly Discussion About the Clowe Incident

noreply@blogger.com (Hermano Spreewell) — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 06:55:00 +0000

Hermano here.

Looks like we've got about 19 hours before the puck drops, so let's revisit the Clowe Incident.

These are actual emails from men in their 30’s, discussing the Clowe Incident. Specifically: (1) yours truly, (2) Kings Fan Dustin Brown, (3) Kings Fan Marty McSorley, and (4) Sharks Fan, Ghost Joe Thornton. Enjoy.

[Hermano’s Note: These are actual emails between Kings fans and a Sharks fan, but edited to correct spelling and protect the identities of my compadres.]

On April 6, 2012 at 12:02 a.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: That fucking cunt is such a fucking disgrace to the game. That was disgusting. I have been watching hockey for 20 fucking years now. Fuck that guy. Never seen that. Fucking disgrace.

On April 6, 2012 at 12:27 a.m., Kings Fan Marty McSorley wrote: A true douche

On April 6, 2012 at 12:51 a.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: It was wrong for two reasons: 1) it was outside elements affecting the game; 2) it was cheating. What a fucking disgrace. The league better suspend his ass for a few games.

On April 6, 2012 at 7:44 a.m., Hermano wrote: If the league is smart, they’ll suspend his ass for 10 games. Otherwise, what will stop anyone from doing the same thing during the playoffs or during a critical part of a game? The league would become a joke.

On April 7, 2012 at 12:30 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: No way...dirty and cheap, yes. But it was a play that impaired the players forward progress. If there were other d back it's 2 for interference. If none, a penalty shot. Refs blew the call. By your logic every too many men or interference should be a suspension. He was stupid and wrong and deserved a minor. Calling for a suspension is a bit of an overreaction.

On April 7, 2012 at 12:44 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: You are a "homer" (never used that phrase before). He cheated. That breaks our sweat pants bet [Sidenote: There was a bet that the loser of the first home-and-home series would wear sweat pants to a gentlemen’s club]. Lucky for you I still am pondering wearing sweats to [Olympic Gardens] anyway.

On April 7, 2012 at 12:58 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: He committed a penalty that wasn't called... If Thornton had been tripped on a breakaway with no call would that void the bet? Your pussiness upsets me.

On April 7, 2012 at 1:08 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: You ever seen that penalty before? You ever thought of doing that in a game. Didn’t think so.

On April 7, 2012 at 1:40 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Well... that doesn't really apply. Like I said, dude should've gotten a 2 for either interference or too many men. If it was a breakaway then a penalty shot. The suspension talk is crap. If this was any team against anyone but the Kings you guys wouldn't have said shit.

Backing out of this bet is like someone backing out of a football bet because the receiver didn't catch a winning TD because of Pi....shit happens. Deal with it!!!!!

On April 7, 2012 at 1:52 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: [Ghost Joe] fuck you, you fucking homer. I hope Clowe gets the shit kicked out of him tonight. I’d rather have Hitler on my team.

On April 7, 2012 at 2:22 p.m., Kings Fan Marty McSorley wrote: If karma does exist Clowe will go head first into the boards and paralyze himself. Guy is a disgrace to the game.

On April 7, 2012 at 3:17 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Hmmm... interesting comments. Every fucked up play in the history of the league and close is by far the worst and should die. Your arguments really help your case! I said it should have been a penalty.

On April 7, 2012 at 3:35 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: Your email doesn’t make sense. Retype it. Obviously you have an unquenchable hunger for Clowe cock. In any event Clowe is a shit. The fact that he feigned ignorance of the play afterwards makes him more of a SLO douchebag. YOU CAN SEE HIM MOUTH "that was stupid" AFTERWARDS. Fuck that guy. Thornton called it the "play of the game." Fuck Ghost Joe. I hope the Kings play the Sharks in the playoffs. And I can’t wait for Vegas. I will turn you from Clowe cock to [my] cock.

On April 7, 2012 at 3:43 p.m., Kings Fan Marty McSorley wrote: I think you mean Clowe vagina

On April 7, 2012 at 4:38 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Spell check... just think its funny how he is all of a sudden the dirtiest player in the league. And I'm the "homer". He acknowledged it was stupid... If you followed it he admitted yesterday it was stupid and he got caught up in the moment. He said after the game he declined to discuss it since he was tired, emotional and didn't want to dig a deeper hole. Hard for me to see why that makes him so fucked up. If that's the case each of us that has ever taken a stupid penalty should be dragged in the street and shot.

On April 7, 2012 at 4:56 p.m., Kings Fan Marty McSorley wrote: Glad you agree Clowe is a piece of shit and deserves the eventual paralysis that is coming his way. Homer douche.

On April 7, 2012 at 5:04 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: I always enjoy these intelligent discussions.

On April 7, 2012 at 5:40 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: After the game he denied it. Said he didn't know what reporters were talking about. Douchebag. I cant believe you are trying to downplay this. Again, have you ever seen this before? Is 2 minutes enough to deter this? If Marleau has a breakaway in game 7 with 50 seconds left and Sharks are down by 1 and nobody is around and Hartnell throws a stick at him from the bench to knock the puck from Marleau? Is that 2 minutes? Are you cool with no suspension? Is that the same as tripping?

On April 7, 2012 at 6:59 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: After the game he said he had to see a replay. The next day he said he was worked up emotionally and exhausted and didn't want to dig a hole by commenting further.

The dude fucked up... but using your analogy if a dude had a breakaway and someone threw their stick worst case is a penalty shot as long as it was a clear path. 2 minute interference if not. No way for a suspension.

I agree it should have been a penalty... so does he. Has there never been a non-call in this league?

The suspension talk is the only homer thing about this. If this was Kopitar doing it to Getzlaf would you be set on a suspension??

On April 7, 2012 at 7:17 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: Absolutely. No place for cheating in game. Suspension talk only homer thing about this? People get suspended all the time to deter conduct outside the normal code of the game. Is this outside the normal code of the game? I still am waiting for you to answer my questions: 1) have you seen this before; 2) have you ever thought of doing this in a game before?

On April 7, 2012 at 8:00 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Just to be clear... If Kopitar did the same thing to Thornton you all would call for a suspension?

To answer your question... I haven't seen it, but I've seen much worse and more dangerous stuff. Would I do it? Why does that matter? Does Shanny consult me on suspensions? To that fact, the first question is irrelevant too. The fact is that it was a minor penalty that was missed. Even he admits it and said it was stupid.

On April 7, 2012 at 8:40 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: If Kyle Clifford did it to anyone on the Sharks I would think it despicable. It is despicable. If Kopitar did it, I would think it is despicable. Because it is despicable regardless of who does it. Your homer brain is having a hard time separating infraction from person. I asked if you would do it because the answer is no. You know it is wrong. You never would do it. This email chain is about whether it is wrong and worthy of supplemental discipline. This email chain never has been about whether we actually should penalize Clowe. None of us have the bat phone to Shanahan. If you are to frame the issue to be "whether we should suspend Clowe" then yes, [Ghost Joe], both questions are irrelevant. But that is not the discussion. The issue is whether that conduct should be deterred. Particularly when a penalty is missed, the league will hand out supplemental discipline. You are right, Clowe (eventually) admitted it was stupid. So is his admission of guilt enough to deter such actions in the future? Only a homer would think so.

On April 7, 2012 at 8:45 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: Actually I realize that this conversation is irrelevant. [Ghost Joe] is going to defend his little bitch until the end and I will bastardize him. The end.

On April 7, 2012 at 8:57 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Well, no. I wouldn't do it. But it does not deserve extra discipline. It is insane you guys think this is suspension worthy. Missed call at best.

On April 7, 2012 at 9:51 p.m., Hermano wrote: [Ghost Joe], you're absolutely wrong. It is suspension worthy just like Shanny handing out games for chicken-winging a dude is suspension worthy. Both are designed to (1) prevent future incidents by punishing the individual and (2) protect the integrity of the game. People wouldn't watch hockey if goons were throwing elbows into superstars on the reg and people won't watch hockey if little bitches like Clowe interfere with an odd man rush while standing on the bench. At the very least, the integrity of the game has been compromised and Clowe should be suspended accordingly. I hope your Nor Cal brain can comprehend that principle.

On April 9, 2012 at 6:02 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: So I'm trying to type this with no bias at all..... I agree that it obviously should have been a penalty (either an interference and/or too many men). If they would have found a way to bump this up to a 5 minute major although I would have been upset as a Sharks fan I wouldn't be able to argue at all. A penalty shot I couldn't see because he didn't have a clear path and you see guys interfered with all the time that get just a minor called when they had a breakaway.

As for the suspension, I agree with you on your first point (prevent future incidents). This could have been a situation to set the bar and prevent future occurrences. As far as the integrity of the game, that has been under constant evaluation and scrutiny these past few years. Head shocks, blows to the back, fighting, etc. They are actually changing the game to evolve to the present. Not that Clowe's play falls in to that category, but to say Shanny is only suspending people to protect the integrity is false..... it is for the safety and protection of the players and the league (ie, NFL).

For example, if a player had a breakaway and a D-man threw his stick to try to stop that how would that be called? A Penalty Shot, right? Worst case an interference. That hurts the integrity of the game... throwing your stick to prevent a goal attempt but no one would dare talk suspension. It happens multiple times each season. That is why I think Clowe should have had 2 for interference and 2 for too many men (since he was a 6th man interfering). The suspension talk just baffles me.

Should be some fun playoffs.

On April 9, 2012 at 6:47 p.m., Hermano wrote: Let me answer your question with another question. If a coach threw a stick on to the rink, would you call it a minor penalty? Too many men on the ice? Interference? Unsportsmanlike conduct?

Wikipedia "Tom Webster (ice hockey)" and let me know how many games the league suspended the Kings' former coach.

You may try to distinguish that incident by arguing that he (Webster) did not interfere while the play was in action - but that only supports my point: whether someone interfered with the play or not, a classless act that does not belong in hockey should be punished with a suspension. A suspension should have been doled out to Clowe to prevent future incidents and protect the integrity of the game. The league CANNOT devolve into a game where we simply assess 2 minute (or 4 minute) penalties for completely classless actions, like (1) coaches throwing sticks onto the ice, (2) chicken-winging a dude in the face, (3) intentionally interfering with the play while on the bench, etc.

I know you're realllllllly reaching into your brain for justification why no suspension was issued, but just admit that the league fucked this one up.

Go Kings Go.

On April 9, 2012 at 7:00 p.m., Kings Fan Dustin Brown wrote: [Ghost Joe] if you mention Clowe in Vegas I will punch you in the vagina.

On April 9, 2012 at 7:39 p.m., Kings Fan Marty McSorley wrote: Go suck on Clowe's clitoris for awhile.

On April 10, 2012 at 3:06 p.m., Ghost Joe Thornton wrote: Well, obviously they fucked up in not calling anything and I do agree that it was a dirty play that warranted some sort of penalty.

My only issue with a suspension is that there really is no precedent and you can draw parallels to an interference or too many men penalty and if you go down the path of suspending this how do you draw the line? If a player leaves the box 2 seconds early is that a suspension? If there is a too-many men that interferes with a play is that a suspension?

Regardless, the league did nothing and I'm sure if the Kings and sharks meet in the playoffs Clowe will be targeted, which he deserves. I actually hope that series happens because it means both teams will be in the WC Finals.

Go Sharks!

On April 10, 2012 at 3:39 p.m., Kings Fan Marty McSorley wrote: Guess you never got to that Wikipedia page.

CONCLUSION:

In the words of Ray Finkle’s mother, I hope the Sharks die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. But honestly I’d love to meet them in the Western Conference Finals and destroy the living shit out of them. A sweep would be just as sweet.

Big game tomorrow – and the 2012 Canada Hate-Fest begins tomorrow.

Much love till my next post.

2012 Canada Hate-Fest Begins in 2 days

noreply@blogger.com (Hermano Spreewell) — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 07:15:00 +0000

Hermano here.

In two days, for the next 4-7 games (and maybe more if I’m/we’re incredibly lucky), I will boycott all things Canadian. I will do nothing but bash Canada and ruthlessly make fun of every single Canuck out there.

In preparation for this incredible hate-bashing, I listened to “Everything I do” by Bryan Adams 5 times on the way to work this morning. And 4 times on the way back home. I air-guitared that killer air guitar riff right after “you can’t tell me, it’s not worth trying for…” all 9 times today. I screamed at 9 different cars: “YEAHHHHH, I’d fight for you…” Basically, I got myself prepared to absolutely loathe that song for the next few weeks. It’s time to seek revenge for the 2010 Kings v. Canucks series.

My analysis of the 2012 Kings v. Canucks series? Four things must happen in order for the Kings to upset the Canucks and move to the next round. But before we get into those four things, let’s get sidetracked.

Generally, I think Canada is pretty all right. I’ve been to Vancouver and Toronto, and have desires of snowboarding in Whistler, gambling at my buddy’s dad’s casino in Edmonton, and attending a bachelor party in Montreal. I have no desire to visit Ottowa for some unexplained reason. I would love to live in Toronto and follow and write about junior hockey for an entire year. I would love to hang out with Kelly Hrudey and have him autograph some memorabilia.

Despite all of this, I will proceed to ruthlessly make fun of Canada for the next 4-7 games, starting on Wednesday.

There is still a bitter taste in my mouth after the Canucks came to Staples Center and dominated the Kings to end their 2010 Cup run. What sticks out most from that series? Two things, actually. The first is Mikael Samuelsson putting on a fucking sniping clinic. The second is how they took one of my favorite bands and played one of their songs after each goal. I wouldn’t really mind if they chose to play Shania Twain’s “You’re still the one” or Bryan Adams “Summer of ’69.” I wouldn’t even mind if they rocked Avril Lavigne’s “Sk8er Boi.” Seriously. But playing “Holiday” by Green Day absolutely infuriated me.

Oh wait, I forgot about the hissy fit Ersberg threw after getting a taste of playoff hockey.

[Don’t let your career hit you on the way out]

Thankfully Samuelsson, Ehrhoff, and Demitra (RIP, brotha) are gone. So is Wayne Simmonds, regrettably. JMFJ, although fun to watch when his shot actually hit the back of the net, can take his -5 for the series and enjoy watching the Red Wings on TV.

I don’t follow the Canucks, so I’m not going to go up and down their roster and pretend to know who is a key addition to their team.

I will say that #26 for the Kings is a dramatic upgrade from #12. What a joke – how could we possibly break out of the first round with Randy Freakin’ Jones on our team? Does it scare anyone that he was one game away from playing in the 2011 Stanley Cup finals? I just hope I don’t find myself saying “Number 27 has no fucking business being on this team” this year. We can go on and on about whether Penner or Richardson deserves the final spot once Carter comes back; but for me, the true question is whether numbers 26 and 27 will elevate their game starting Wednesday.

Oh, and whether number 7 will stop deflecting the puck into his own fucking net.

You know what I’d really like to see? Kyle Clifford becoming a man-beast just like last year’s series against the Sharks. But we can talk about that more if/when it actually happens.

For now, the four things that MUST happen for the Kings to steal this series against the Canucks:

1. Jeff Carter needs to become Jeff Fucking Carter

There are only two people on the current Kings squad that can undress Luongo: Kopitar and Jeff Carter. Kopitar has never been a speed guy, so all the Canucks have to do is play him tight and pray he doesn’t receive any give-and-go’s. Carter, on the other hand, is deceptively fast. We all know his shot is ridiculous – probably the quickest release on the team – and he uses his speed to create space and separation from the defense. This all means nothing if he’s still injured.

2. Quick needs to channel is inner 1994 Mike Richter

Much has been said about this already. Every single Canucks fan knows this is the key to the series. If Quick wants to earn big boy money for the next 7 years, he’s gonna have to prove he can shut down the best team in the league in 7 games or less.

3. Daniel Sedin needs to wake up with a headache for the next two weeks

As a hockey player, I am incredibly superstitious. When I put on my pads, I follow the EXACT same order as always: left skate, right skate, left pad, right pad, etc. I don’t spit in my crease. I don’t shovel ice into my own goal. And I don’t make fun of an opposing player for dealing with a concussion lest someone on my own team gets chicken-winged and is unable to play the rest of the series. But seriously, though, I wouldn’t mind seeing D. Sedin staring into space while sitting on the bench – assuming he gets cleared to play.

4. Luongo needs to get shellacked in either Game 1 or 2

You know what sucks about being a goalie? Knowing that the next goal you let in could be your ticket to the bench. Last year, Luongo was the undisputed starter – but got questioned toward the end, especially during that series with Chicago. This year, Schneider has proven he deserves the starting spot on any other team (except the Kings, because we have already fulfilled the affirmative action ginger quota). If Luongo blows Game 1 or 2, everyone north of the border will call for his head. Best of all, Luongo knows this – which can’t be good for his sanity. All the Kings need to do is rattle his dome a bit and let the insecurity play itself out.

By now, you’ve probably guessed that this is all wishful thinking. Every time I read someone who predicts the Kings to win in 7, I tilt my head and say “Awww, that’s adorable.” But then I realize that I, myself, have predicted the Kings to win in 7. I’m also quite thirsty, so I think I’ll just reach over and grab my cup of Kool Aid.

Much love till my next post. Tomorrow.

1 in 176 million Chance of Buying LA Kings Season Tickets

noreply@blogger.com (Marie) — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 15:20:00 +0000

Did anyone else get caught up in the mega millions lotto frenzy a couple weeks ago. Several coworkers and I usually chip in a few bucks each for lotto tickets once the jackpot reaches $200 million. Once the jackpot reached record numbers we couldn't help but share dreams of what we would do with our winnings.

Is it sad or impressive that the very first thing I would have bought were LA Kings season tickets? Seriously, I would have been on the phone with an LA Kings rep immediately! My husband actually took it a step further and said he would buy a suite at his favorite NFL team's stadium. A suite?!? woah woah woah....let's not get too carried away here. Maybe it's a good thing we didn't win.

Anyway, back to reality.

Do you ever look at the standings and try to figure out which teams you want to face in the playoffs and which teams you do not want to face, especially in the first round? I definitely don't want the Kings to match up against the Canucks, Red Wings, and Coyotes. I don't think it's possible for the Kings and Coyotes to meet in the first round anyway so that shouldn't be a problem, but I feel like a healthy Red Wings squad would demolish the Kings in the first round. I wouldn't mind seeing the Kings face the Blackhawks or Blues and I don't have any opinion about the Predators.

The LA Kings need to clinch a playoff berth so I can figure out which playoff games I can and want to attend. I really, really, REALLY want the Kings to clinch 3rd so that (a) we have home ice advantage, and (b) we don't face the Vancouver Canucks in the first round. I don't know if I can stomach going to another Kings/Canucks playoff game in the first round.

And how sweet would it be if the Kings beat the Sharks twice in these last two games. So sweet...

The LA Kings 2011-2012 Season Is...

noreply@blogger.com (Marie) — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 06:56:00 +0000

...so incredibly infuriating.

This is how I have felt after watching 99% of Kings games this season:

(IMDB)

I'm about to lose it.

"All Tickets Have Been Distributed"

noreply@blogger.com (Marie) — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 06:51:00 +0000

This season I've noticed that Bob Miller announces Kings home game "sellouts" by saying "all tickets have been distributed" for the game instead of actually saying a home game is a sellout. There are plenty of ways for a team to distribute tickets instead of actually selling them, but I think this current method is a bit much (the red outline is my emphasis):

"Complimentary"...more like "oh shit, it's a game against Columbus! We desperately need to fill seats so please, please, please, please take these free tickets AND come to the game! Or since we're giving them to you for FREE you could SELL them and actually make money off of us!"

First game back from the All-Star break and it's against Columbus....can't say I'm thrilled and apparently neither can the LA Kings Marketing Department.

Mid-Season Check-up of the Team LA Store

noreply@blogger.com (Marie) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

You guys, have you seen what's new in the Kings section of the Team LA Store?

If you haven't visited the online store lately, then you are seriously missing out on some true gems. I have no doubt that we've recovered from holiday shopping sprees so it's time to blow our money on some hideous fan gear!

First of all, I'm truly disappointed that the store is no longer selling the Ladies Player T-Shirts. I even went to the Team LA Store at Staples Center on a random Friday during lunch and they only had the t-shirt in 2XL.....not cool. And now I can't even overpay for it online.

Instead, the Team LA Store is selling some gawd-awful shit like the "LA Kings Ladies Super Fan III Burnout T-shirt - Shield" for $41 (see below for photo). $41 for a cotton shirt! But you can actually save $7 if you buy the version with a crown on the back, Whew! $35 is so much more reasonable for a cotton shirt that I am pretty sure is of pretty shitty quality. Ask yourself this question: "Is a shield really worth $7 extra dollars?" Or for that matter: "Will wearing the crown make you feel like a cheap ass because you couldn't fork over the extra $7 for the 'official' logo of this season?"

Don't worry male fans, the shitty overpriced fan gear isn't solely available to women. If you're a middle-aged man going through a mid-life crisis wondering if you should drop tens of thousands of dollars on a sports car that you'll look utterly ridiculous driving in the hopes of attracting a younger woman, then fear not! For the low, low price of $325, you could be the proud owner of a true LA Kings leather jacket:

images taken from the Team LA Store, although if I were them, I wouldn't want the credit. what a hot mess.

Wear it in style, old man! That is pure luscious leather. Work it! And don't be fooled by the model; there is no way someone that young and vaguely attractive would be caught dead wearing that jacket so you don't need to worry about any competition from the younger crowd. Also, is that female model Alyssa Milano? I can't tell because she's totally irrelevant in my humble opinion, so I'm not entirely sure what she looks like, but I do know she's been designing fan clothing for women and some of it ain't too great.

The other problem I have with that shirt is I can't tell if it's see-through or if the graphic is just messed up, because you can clearly see the model's pants through the shirt. And what is up with the 'burnout' design. It's hideous? Oh, and another thing: is the shirt really black/grey on the front and then white on the back? It's like you're wearing two completely different shirts! You know how on 'Project Runway' when the designers put together a separates outfit that looks terrible and the judges crucify them because they don't understand the outfit and the top and bottom just don't go together and it just doesn't make sense? That's this shirt, except that instead of worrying about your top not matching what you're wearing on bottom, the back of your shirt doesn't belong with the front of your shirt whatsoever. This might as well have been a fucking crafts project you put together. And it'll cost you $41!!!!! What an effing ripoff.

01/19/12: Sutter v. Sutter

noreply@blogger.com (Marie) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 17:00:00 +0000

IT'S ROUND 2 OF SUTTER V. SUTTER!

CAN YOU FEEL THE INTENSITY*?

I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS MATCH-UP ALL GAME LONG!

WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WIN?

I PICK SUTTER!

*guess what, Canada and Fox Sports? No one gives a shit about this stupid coaching "rivalry" or "match-up" or whatever the hell you call it. Could you tell how confused the players were whenever they were asked whether this coaching match-up was talked about in the locker room? Why the hell would the players care? The only thing they should be worrying about is figuring out how to score more than 2 goals! Why are you focusing on the coaches when there are more important things to talk about, like Penner Pancakes? Oh wait, that's not important AT ALL and by the way it's old news! Why the EFF are you also still fixated on that too? As I told my husband during the game against the Oilers: "The Penner Pancakes story is still big news in Canada because it's Canada and they don't have anything else to talk about." Sheesh, Canada is the worst. Just the worst.

Dear Drew Doughty...

noreply@blogger.com (Marie) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

Dear Drew Doughty,

Please stop diving.

It's embarrassing to watch.

You almost never get the call anyway.

It makes it more difficult for me to make fun of other players for diving when you do it so egregiously.

You're such a talented player; there's no need for you to embellish.

Just stop it.

Thanks,
Marie

Kings Fans Express Sweet Sentiments on Twitter

noreply@blogger.com (Marie) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 00:30:00 +0000

So the Kings totally shat the bed today against the Columbus Blue Jackets. I don't know what was more embarrassing:

Making the Blue Jackets look really good
Taking 7 penalties
Going 0 for 8 on the power play
Not scoring in regulation for the second consecutive game
Giving Curtis Sanford a shutout
Losing to the worst team in the league

I was trying so hard to not get upset throughout the entire game. It's too bad this was an afternoon game, because I probably would have played a drinking game (by myself) if this was a night game.

Drink every time one of these things happen:

A penalty is called
Kings don't score on the power play
Sutter inappropriately touches a player on the bench
Sutter makes bitter beer face
Dustin Brown falls down
Bob Miller sounds pissed about the way the Kings are playing
Jim Fox tries to explain the Kings are playing marginally better under Sutter
You laugh whenever you hear 'Clitsome'
Jack Johnson rips a shot that either goes way wide or way high

Sheesh, I would have been dead by the 2nd period.

Let's see what some Kings fans thought about the game. I bet they were barely even paying attention since it was an afternoon game:

@kingscast Embarrassing "effort"

@LAKingsOutsider Somehow the #lakings lack of scoring now is still Terry Murray's fault right?

@islas66 The #lakings score less than a guy at a lesbian bar! Damn!!!!

@everydayreggie When you go 0 for 8 on the power play and get shut out at home by the worst team in hockey, it should count as two losses

@RyanResella The coach who is in charge of the #LAKings power play.. yeah they should do something about that

@Craiiiiiig21 Every #LaKings game is equivalent of watching a futbol match.

@Boski93 Jonathan Quick should be suing the Kings for lack of support. Arrrrrrrrgghhh #nhl #LAKings #scoresomegoalskings #quickseffortswastedagain

@LibrosOverHos God, it feels like this warmup skate has been going on for hours. I can't wait for the #LAKings game to actually start.

@ArthurKlages #LAKings couldn't score against Columbus! COLUMBUS! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@enmac502 sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #lakings

I feel ya, @enmac502!

Good times, Kings fans! I'm really glad Twitter is around for fans to collectively express their disgust, hatred, disappointment, and rage about their beloved sports team. It really makes it so easy to be passive-aggressive. If you ever find yourself about to blow a gasket because the team you love is shitting the bed, just turn to Twitter, search your team's hashtag and have a good hearty laugh at all the wonderfully clever tweets from your fellow fans.

The LA Kings Are Rolling Four Lines

noreply@blogger.com (Marie) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 07:10:00 +0000

When the rumors were swirling around the interwebs in early December that Darryl Sutter would be the new head coach of the Los Angeles Kings, I didn't really know what to think other than I didn't think Terry Murray should be fired. I read a bunch of articles and blog posts about the type of coach Darryl Sutter had been in the past and, while at least one hockey analyst thought it was a good hiring by Dean Lombardi, most did not think Sutter was the appropriate coach to replace Murray. The word I kept reading and hearing over and over to describe Sutter was "intense" and he was commonly described as emphasizing a defense-first mindset among his players, which is exactly the type of coach Terry Murray was. The best descriptive piece I read about Sutter was by Mike Chen, a long-time San Jose Sharks fan and former full-time, now occasional hockey blogger at SB Nation. The part that struck me the most was this paragraph:

At the same time, Sutter's Sharks regularly rolled four lines regardless of situation. After all, the team was built in his image, and they would work-work-work regardless of the score. That mentality proved to be a blessing and a curse, and while it brought success to the Craven-Matteau days, it regressed a roster with greater talent. A perfect in-game example of this was Game 6 of the 2001's first-round series against St. Louis. Down by one goal and facing elimination, Sutter failed to stack his lineup with his scoring forwards. Instead, he had his fourth line out here during the critical moment, and while guys like Mark Smith and Todd Harvey were fine in their roles, it seemed completely nonsensical to have them on the ice when the entire season was on the line.

Mike Chen's description of Sutter's 'roll four lines' coaching style is exactly what we're seeing with the LA Kings. So far, it's been working. However, I have minor-to-major heart palpitations when I see the 4th line on the ice with 5 minutes left in a tight game where the Kings are holding onto the lead, or when someone like Colin Fraser is on the penalty kill, or, the 4th line is on the power play, but the Kings have yet to lose in regulation under Sutter. He's definitely instilling a cohesive team mentality, but I wonder if he will break from this coaching style when the Kings are fighting for every point down the stretch to clinch a playoff spot or are trying to come back or maintain a lead in a playoff game. You want your best players on the ice in key moments, right? I wonder how long this strategy will last.

So Much Love for HBO '24/7: Road to the Winter Classic'

noreply@blogger.com (Marie) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 19:51:00 +0000

I've been debating whether or not I should write a review of Season 2 of '24/7 Flyers/Ranger: Road to the Winter Classic' since everyone and their mother have written about it. I finally decided to write one because I actually haven't read any reviews for this season since I've been watching the episodes a day after they air and I don't want anyone to ruin my viewings (spoiler alert: THEY PLAY HOCKEY!). So I figure at least my review won't be tainted by anyone's views.

First of all, I think a disclaimer is in order: Despite my tendency to bitch and moan in detail about certain shows, I purely love everything about '24/7' and I just can't bring myself to critique the minutiae as other hockey fans may do and did with the first season of '24/7'. I am fully aware that I am watching these episodes through rose-colored glasses, which is why my opinion of the show may be so high.

There have been two big surprises for me after watching the first three episodes of 24/7 this year:

Peter Laviolette is a total hard-ass and I had NO IDEA he was like this. Maybe it's because I first came to know of him when he was the coach of the Carolina Hurricanes and the team always seems like a family-friendly team. Or maybe it's because of the rumors swirling around dry island, which in my head made him seem like a family-friendly guy who wants a PG-rated locker room. Apparently, I WAS WAY OFF! He is so fucking intense and I love every single scene he's in.
I've grown to actually "like" the New York Rangers and Philadelphia Flyers, which I didn't think was humanly possible. I don't mean "like" in the sense that I'll ever be rooting for them on a nightly basis, but rather in a way that I really enjoy watching them in this series, eagerly anticipating what new storylines will be introduced. Before the 2011-2012 NHL season started I was sorta dreading this year's '24/7' because I've never been a fan of either of these teams. I was only looking forward to seeing Torts fly off the handle and seeing confrontations between Avery and anybody (which by the way, hasn't really happened....very disappointed). But I think HBO does a great job of humanizing these guys and seeing them off the ice is more exciting to me than seeing them battle on the ice. I'm sure I'll go back to hating these teams as soon as they play the LA Kings, but for now, I really enjoy watching these two teams.

Here are my thoughts on some of the players and coaches who have been
featured on 24/7:

Wayne Simmonds
I shouted "SIMMONDS!!!!" every time Wayne Simmonds was featured.....that is, until he totally bitch-slapped Los Angeles when he said he's happy to have been traded to Philadelphia because it's a much better hockey town. 'Oh shut up, Wayne! Stop playing it up for the Philly fans!" (oh who am I kidding, I still love him.) But is it just me or has it seemed like he's tearing it up offensively with the Flyers? Well, shit, maybe Terry Murray really wasn't bringing out his full potential.

Ilya Bryzgalov
So......I think we can all agree that Ilya Bryzgalov is totally cray-cray. It's one thing to see short clips of him in post-game interviews, but it's an entirely different experience seeing him go off the deep end with his philosophical musings. I'm really interested to see how he's featured in the last episode since it was announced he's not playing in the Winter Classic.

Peter Laviolette
Despite the fact that's he completely different than I imagined, I still think he's so awesome! I loved how he handled the Steve Ott situation with the HBO crew by BLATANTLY DENYING knowing what they were asking him in regards to his altercation with Ott. He had to have known the crew had everything on audio, yet still acted like nothing happened while having a slight smirk on his face. I also got a kick out of his conversation with Scott Hartnell when he congratulated the forward for getting 200 goals, which were 200 more than he had. When Hartnell looked surprised that his coach never got any goals in the NHL, Laviolette admitted that he played 12 games in the NHL and got 0 points. Funny though that Laviolette didn't reveal to Hartnell that he played those 12 games with the New York Rangers.

John Tortorella
I definitely did not expect Torts to come off as the softer coach, but somehow he has. The storyline featuring his relationship with the kid who has cystic fibrosis was incredibly heart-warming. But he has still provided us with some awesome quotes. My favorite is the one where he yelled at Marion Gaborik on the bench asking him whether or not he was "going to stomp on the puck".

Jaromir Jagr
There's just something so surreal about seeing Jagr in '24/7'. Maybe it's because he's one of the few guys I grew up following who is still playing in the league. Or maybe it's because he's been out of the upper echelon of the NHL for quite some time, but is now back in the limelight. Or it could be this charm about him that is evident when he's being interviewed or conversing with his teammates. I'm sure there are hockey fans who want to throw daggers through their TV whenever he's featured, but I've never felt "betrayed" by his hockey decisions or actions, so I'm glad he's been featured.

Brian Boyle & Brandon Prust
I didn't know anything about Prust before the show and even wondered who he was at the beginning. I never really appreciated Brian Boyle's hockey skill set when he was with the LA Kings and I haven't been following his career with the Rangers, but his off-ice personality is hilarious! Maybe being from such a big family has something to do with his acting like a big kid. I about died when I saw him dressed as an elf. I think I would pay money to see him reenact the movie Elf.

Ryan Callahan
Good ol' American boy! Can't wait till the 2014 Olympics when he'll be leading USA to a gold medal! (Gary Bettman has to allow the NHL players to participate in the Olympics!! He just has to!!)

Brad Richards
I didn't expect to like Richards very much, but he seems to be a great teammate and leader. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing him talk shit to Tom Sestito, telling him that playing in the NHL must be like "fantasy camp" for him. ZING!

There are other moments in the series that I really enjoyed such as, chirping between the players, chirping with the refs, seeing Marian Gaborik carry home a Christams tree, seeing Claude Giroux go through the concussion test, getting an inside look of the refs talking during intermission (and how sad is their "dressing room"! it looks like a large closet.), getting the audio of Laviolette & Ott's altercation, Ott telling Giroux to check NHL.com for his faceoff stats, Callahan's super adorable grandmother, the look Avery gave Anisimov as he entered the Rangers locker room, every single one of Laviolette's conversations, and every single one of Torts' crazy, amped up, but motivational talks to his players.

I doubt the NHL takes the '24/7' show into consideration when they select the teams that will participate in the Winter Classic, but I hope in the next couple years to come, if HBO still does this show, that teams that haven't been on '24/7' are selected to participate so we can learn about more players and coaches. When I think about it, it does seem silly to use '24/7' as a deciding factor, but on one hand I can see the NHL viewing that '24/7' as a promotional tool and you want to feature as many players and new storylines as you possibly can. Of course I would love to see my LA Kings featured in '24/7', but I highly doubt the LA Kings will be asked to participate in the Winter Classic. But if HBO can make the Rangers and Flyers likable, then I have no worries about future '24/7' series.