I wish to find a person who can really help me with my body and soul.

I have because of very faulty upbringing no sense of value, except when I can perform / give back and when my body now after many years begins to speak up completely, I wish to find another way.

Physically, I have a number of injuries and probably what affects me most is my lower back. A number of herniated discs and genetic weakness has led to one of my disks is completely gone, vertebra to vertebra. Another disk two steps further up is about to “darken” on the X-ray and thus not function properly. I operated on me for one of these herniated disc in 2007, which turned out was completely reprehensible with new hernias in the same place 3 weeks after surgery and a mass building up on one of vertebra now affecting nerves.

The proposal is arthrodesis, which for me feels very scary and not at all certain.

My feeling, as I have tried a lot, is that yoga with highly efficient tutoring both physically and mentally could work. I have practiced some different forms of yoga over the years but it is lacking in my faith when I get hurt and become unsecure. In the current situation I go in and out of the hospital because I often can barely walk and has great pains / cramps. Eat in the current situation a lot of tablets when I can not cope to work on this on own. My first herniated disc I got in 2000 and I have tried to find a balance in this ever since.

Do you know someone who could give me the support and where is this person / Studio? I need someone in my vicinity, south of Dalarna, because I feel that I have to stay here for some time. Later on, I might have the opportunity to change residence.

Sincerely,
Svante Lindbäck
0708-705760
Falun

Where do you write that you are deeply missing a body?

It’s just a longing to be close, kiss, hold, be held, just be naked and near.

The feeling of my world is that you don’t tell…. Even when it makes you curl up in bed reaching for something that’s not there but you still do the reaching.

This is hard to write about and very vulnerable. This is something I have always felt even when I didn’t know I did and my last years has shown me that this is for real, you don’t get to be by your self for to long or you will shrink like a raisin and not just in the flesh but in your heart and soul.

Since my personal perspective of the world is a very scary one I tend to hurt myself by not allowing me to be happy and have closeness. Ever since my mother climbed in to my bed as a kid with feelings of loneliness from an absent connection to what is supposed to be called my father I’m walking around with an open wound that makes this world more frightened when I get weaker in any ways. Tired, lonely, sad, hurt, pain every emotion and experience that I think initially, by god, was meant to bring support and a warm hand makes me scared out of my mind. Someone will use me now, hurt me now, say the love me but it’s not true and even I will hurt myself because I don’t dare to be “weak” and I don’t accept myself as it.

So here I am on a wednesday night, watching Grays Anatomy over and over again to help me feel, but I really would like a woman to be close to me but it scares me, but I do – want to. Like always in my life I want, need, wish for the one thing I know will make me hole in mind and spirit and that is letting someone really close with all the joy and the pain and the freaky emotions.

Is there anyone out there who are like me? OR am I alone as the feeling is inside of me?

Well, here we go again. My first post in a long time.
Been living and capturing my view of the world through my camera lens which you can see on My Life In Pictures page.

To Love Or Not To Love

Recently I involved myself with a woman that to me had the quality and possibility to grasp to concept of total love and truly bee. Things went well and I fell in Love. Expressing it finally with a scared mind but true to my heart.

What surprised me was a conversation with my lady about a week later. She started out the conversation, on phone, with a clear but unspoken decision that we where through and would not work. What made me scared was that she didn’t tell me but everything else we talked about was clear as a day that she didn’t believe in us. Crying inside I started as I usually do to try and convince and ask why she feels like that. My faith broke down after this call and with that my heart lost it’s way, grey shades on my story called life and the “thing” was permanent I believe now cause we had no opportunity to really talk for 10 days because she was on a working trip to the USA and When we finally talked my heart was shaking with fear and distrust, that was to much even for me.

How can someone, anyone try to be in a relationship if they don’t have faith in it?? Does not matter why. Without faith in US the world and all the bad learnings we have with us will destroy us.

Then the part which she finally wrote about:

- I can not love like you want me to.

This statement is in many parts so puzzling that I probably should not even think about it. What I think she means is something I said:

- Either you love another being or you don’t

- There is nothing else!

According to me is love for another being something that is always there or not there. You can react and feel angry, fucking hate the person sometimes but the love is always there or not. Everything else is a product of our screwed up mind in my perspective.

So what is love for me?

I feel love for a person quite quick if the moment and energy is right. This is something I don’t have much control over, which I’m glad for. I used to be in state many years ago whew I was in control of that – I thought! What a crack of shit. When you look at a puppy or someone you meet somewhere that just is something you are drawn to – that is love and pretty soon, if you listen inside, you will know.

This world toss and turn us a lot, I say it again, A LOT!

Without faith you, me and we will be lost in the big waves.

But faith, in what ever you choose, will send and anchor to the bottom and it will strongly help you, me and we to stay on the course that we deep inside know is the right one for us, no matter what any missbelievers say.

For me that faith begins with meeting a woman I dare to love and hopefully dare to love me back and build the faith together and inside our self. Then make the decision to stand by that faith for better or worse but let it go if it is necessary.

Love Svante

I’ve been thinking about my life, newsflash

It seams like everytime I want anything for me it get’s tough and bad so what if I should only do service in my life?? That would mean not doing anything that I want and only do things others want and express. Is that a good or bad thing… I don’t know. I can only sence that my hole history of being and that means thinking is based on failure and a deep almost unconsious force that makes me nervous and scared if I want something. And finally it makes my life hard and also makes me fail at what I set out to do.

Well. Anyone out there with a big heart that want service? I do require food, shelter and company but that’s about it. Well I do have to feel rewarded emotionally with what I am helping with.

It seams like everytime I want anything for me it get’s tough and bad so what if I should only do service in my life?? That would mean not doing anything that I want and only do things others want and express. Is that a good or bad thing… I don’t know. I can only sence that my hole history of being and that means thinking is based on failure and a deep almost unconsious force that makes me nervous and scared if I want something. And finally it makes my life hard and also makes me fail at what I set out to do.It seams like everytime I want anything for me it get’s tough and bad so what if I should only do service in my life?? That would mean not doing anything that I want and only do things others want and express. Is that a good or bad thing… I don’t know. I can only sence that my hole history of being and that means thinking is based on failure and a deep almost unconsious force that makes me nervous and scared if I want something. And finally it makes my life hard and also makes me fail at what I set out to do.

Well. Anyone out there with a big heart that want service? I do require food, shelter and company but that’s about it. Well I do have to feel rewarded emotionally with what I am helping with. Well. Anyone out there with a big heart that want service? I do require food, shelter and company but that’s about it. Well I do have to feel rewarded emotionally with what I am helping with.

My view at the moment

 I long for love, loving together with someone, happy times, fighting tims, all times. Just someone to share life with in a truthfull way. Be myself and still be apreciated as I am, is that to much to ask for? 

Today I realized that I had fallen in love from a distance, long time ago since that happen, but then here we go again as a child that does not really dare to be upfront with the girl he really cares for and yes in many ways I’m returning to my childhood, beeing more vunerable and carefull about my heart knowing that I am a sensitive man that would really hurt by not getting the repsonse that my heart is longing for. 

Is it wrong to be that carefull and afraid to “jump on” and tell what I want in that relationship? Sometimes I feel more like a woman then a man.

I don’t really know who I am anymore, so much has happend inside lately and I’m not the person I used to know. Stopping the abuse of psyko drugs has really turned me inside out and shock me up. I might find a hole new person, hopefully someone I can live with.

4 weeks of sickness now and still the day seams to go away without me being in it. Is this life?

I can not get it anymore, seams like a waste of time. 

Pretty sad post this time, that how is is. Take care everybody.

When will the pain leave my body? Long is the night of the suffering. Long is the day for the lonely.

Been on this road for some time now and I wish for better days without pain in my body and soul. Pain that hurts my life in unspeakable ways and makes my hope for life go to waste – when will the pain leave my body?

Creativity ~ What is it?

I have been wondering and thinking about this all my life and I have come to the conclusion that creativity is the closest we humans can come to being nature.

Look at the trees, look at the leafs, look at all the natures wonder.

It’s true, wild and creative.

No bonderies

No fear

Just Being

Stand with me and embrace that little burning candle we all have inside that say

- I am free, warm and loving, just like the nature

Love Tsamsiyu

Now I now what the main problem with the city is. There is no beauty, no spaces of freedom where we can roam free as the nature intended. Blocks of strange objects and not enough space for the enormous freedom, wildness and creativity that we and nature in truth are.

Q: How do you get over social anxiety? A: At some point, you just have to not give a fuck and stop believing you need anyone else’s approval in order to say what you want to say, do what you want to do and have what you want to have. The only way to learn this is to find the belief, “I need other people in order to be happy, okay, loved, free, etc.” and love that lie to death with the machine gun of your heart. ♥