We Are What We Repeatedly Do

2013-02-22T00:38:00.000-05:00

After I had my son, suddenly I wasn't really "welcome" in the Infertility interwebz arena. A place where I had spent a great deal of time over the prior five years. But if I'm really honest, I didn't have much interest being there anymore either. Much to the chagrin of my IF self, I wanted to move far, far away from that harrowing experience and into BabyLand. And so that is what I did. I soon stumbled upon Cloth Diapering and got involved in cloth diapering chat boards and then that spun off into cloth diapering FB groups and then that spun in to more, and more, and more, and more cloth diapering FB groups. Like 30. Or maybe more. I never counted. Last week I purged the vast majority of them. Some because I didn't actually keep up with them. Others because they were related to CD buy/sell/trade and I do not need to buy any more of that shit (no pun intended). Others because I didn't really like the group "vibe". Others because it was full of mommy-trainwrecks and I was wasting too much of my precious time rubbernecking the ridiculousness.

As I was going through the list I came across one of my IF groups that spun off to FB. A few of the women in this group date back to my first year of TTC. Most I met substantially later, around 2009 or even 2010. But still, a reasonably long-standing group, by internet standards. And I paused. For a long time. Thinking about it. To keep it or delete it. I was actually kind of surprised that I was even considering deleting it. But I was. And I started to think about why.

Nowhere in life are your choices more scrutinized than in motherhood. And while another woman might give you the side-eye in person about your parenting choices, on the interwebz they will dress you down for ENDANGERING THE WELFARE OF YOUR CHILD by not parenting as they do. Somehow, someway, this group of women who I found such solidarity with during my struggle with infertility, has collectively taken a relatively disparate path from my self in parenthood. Which is ok. But I find myself so often with a minority point of view that I have recently found myself questioning my membership there.

On one hand I feel like being exposed to different viewpoints is not just healthy but requisite. If you don't interact with people who think differently than yourself then how can you be exposed to new ideas and question your own ideas. But then I think: when you find yourself diametrically opposed to the vast, vast majority of viewpoints being broadcast, is it masochistic to continue to engage? At what point do you draw back and say "enough is enough"?

Hello There Old Friend

2013-02-18T19:40:00.001-05:00

I have decided that I would like to start blogging again. I think. It is not without some trepidation after my run-in with the IRL friend who had (unbeknownst to me) been reading my blog for several years and got pissed when I wrote an (anonymous) post about her chaotic life. I guess that on some level it was not right for me to talk "about" someone else. On the other hand, I thought that the lack of names, either hers or mine, made it more of a "story" than gossip. I guess she felt differently. In the end I deleted the post and went underground. For I guess around a year. But for a variety of reasons I've decided to start writing again. I may soon revisit some of my old posts and see if I really want all that "hanging out there" for anyone and everyone to see. I like to believe that I am not embarrassed by who I am but the truth is that passion (or lack thereof) can really change a person's perspective. So we shall see.

Crazycakes and Back Into the Light?

2012-05-08T01:15:00.003-04:00

My blog has been private for the last few months. It was public all the time I authored it. Then after it went dormant one of my crazycakes friends basically decided to threaten me with it. I still haven't decided what to do with that. I haven't been posting much so it's been irrelevant. But now the urge is starting to rise again...

Always and Again

2011-11-28T13:38:00.003-05:00

One of the IF'ers I know from FF just found out that her baby girl died. At just over 29 weeks gestation. I wish her strength. God knows that probably would have sent me over the edge and into a padded room. Literally.

Here I am!

2011-09-25T00:15:00.005-04:00

There's not much other than the chirping of crickets coming from my blog as of late. Today when I was in the shower it occurred to me how lazy I have become with my online time these days. Blogging requires effort. You have to string together thoughts in a logical way and then articulate them coherently. That is a tall order for my still-bathing-in-prolactin brain. I am seriously half brain dead. You have no clue how many times I've gotten to work and realized I have no pump parts. Or gotten home and realized I left the pumped milk in the fridge at work. Or even put the pump horns up to the tatas and realized there is no bottle attached. It's crazy. I can't remember anything. I used to be smart. Now I can't even remember The Man's cell phone number sometimes. (That isn't an exaggeration.)

Things are going reasonably well 'round these parts. Not perfect. But better than they were. For a while there I was ready to change the locks on The Man. He is still unemployed. He was supposed to be starting his own company but basically never did anything to move it forward. Now he has a GRAND IDEA that he wants to use to start a totally different kind of company. On our anniversary last month he spent the entire dinner talking about the GRAND IDEA. I actually think that it truly is a GRAND IDEA. However, it is going to take a lot of work to bring said GRAND IDEA to fruition. And so far that hasn't been his strong suit. So we'll see.

I am back to working full time. I hate it. Not my job, but being away from my child. I seriously feel like I'm missing seeing him grow up. He will be a year old in just a few weeks and he is changing so fast! He is trying to walk; he toddles really well if he can hold onto an adult's hand. He is teaching himself to eat with silverware. He weighs almost 30 pounds. He has SEVEN teeth. He shakes his head "no" when he doesn't want/like something. He is changing from a baby into a child right before my eyes!

Parenthood is great. I kind of thought I might suck at it. Or, more specifically, that I wouldn't suck but only because I forced myself not to. But the reality is that I love being a mom and doing mommy things. Being patient with him is easy. Playing with him is fun. His giggle can literally wash a bad mood away in moments. It's awesome.

I'm trying to think of what else. I am still alive. I do still have random, mildly interesting thoughts that I fancy I will blog about. But I never do. After the kid is in bed in the evenings I usually either have chores that need to be done or I just want to veg. What did 1960's Barbie say? "Math is hard." Yeah, well, after 9 pm pretty much anything that requires active brain functioning just doesn't happen. :/

On that note, it is 12:30 am. And I can't hardly hold my eyes open. I will try to get back to this again. Keeping a journal has something I have done since I was about 12. I want to keep it up. For me. So I will try to be better. For me.

If A Person Could Deserve A Child

2011-06-18T23:49:00.003-04:00

This woman would. She is a six time IVF (and CCRM) veteran with a heart of gold. She was even kind enough to give me a pep talk when I got the fert report from IVF #2. Please go over and wish her congratulations on receiving approval to bring her babies home!!!

Crazy Diaper Lady

2011-06-16T23:08:00.003-04:00

I think the reason I don't post that much any more is that I don't have much novel to say. The things that are foremost in my mind are things I have already beaten to death:

I love my son with the intensity of a thousand suns.
My son is awesome.
I love being a mom.
I wish I didn't have to work and could be a SAHM.
My marriage is struggling.

Those are the headliners in my brain these days. However, since they've been covered ad nauseam, I'll try to write about something else...

A few weeks ago I put up a "temporary" post begging my blog readers to vote for my son in a photo contest. Which is so not like me. In general I find baby contests annoying. I mean, there are a few babies that are fugly but most are adorable. How can a person possibly choose between them? But the contest was hosted by Twinkie Tush and the winner got a free custom diaper. While that may not seem like a big deal to the average person, to a CD addict (like myself) that is like a big fat 8-ball to a junkie. Seriously. It's that bad.

I originally wanted to cloth diaper for environmental and health reasons. Likewise we started off using pockets (outer shell made of fabric backed by plastic with inner microfleece layer, and you stuff the absorbent material in between) because this seemed the most practical to me. With pockets the absorbent material comes out so it dries faster, and the plastic-y layer and velcro closure make it very user friendly just like a disposable diaper. However, not very long after we switched to CDs, mah fat bebe started getting leaks over night. Specifically we were getting leaking out the of the side, near where the wings fasten to the main body of the diaper.

After much research, I came to the conclusion that we needed to try "fitteds and wool". At the time, I really didn't even understand what this meant. But I figured all the women on all the different cloth diaper chat boards I visited couldn't be wrong. So off I went to buy some fitted diapers and wool covers. A fitted diaper is basically just a diaper made of all cloth - there is no plastic layer. The reason this is good for overnight is that since the WHOLE diaper is cloth - it is all absorbent and thus there is nowhere for the pee to puddle. Then there is the wool. Having grown up in a post industrialized country, I had no clue about the magical properties of wool. Whodathunkit?

The first few fitteds I bought were commercial brands that actually were not that absorbent and thus I had to stuff them with tons of layers of hemp and bamboo. And I got a Woollybottoms soaker to go over top... let's just say that if my 8 week old had the muscle coordination to roll, the diaper would have prevented it! My husband joked that he looked ridiculous. And he did. But we had no leaks. So I picked up a few more inexpensive fitteds and we were good. But then I discovered Diaper Swappers and Spots. And I bought a few (used and inexpensive) Goodmamas and a WCW and handknit wool (which is best made from handdyed and handspun yarns)...

and into the rabbit hold I tumbled...

Somehow, somewhere, my quest for an economical, healthy, environmentally sound way to diaper my child turned into a hobby. Yes you read that right. Poop catchers turned into a hobby. I know it sounds crazy. But really, it isn't that weird. Ok, it's weird. But. It isn't really any different than buying your kid cute clothes. And I have to believe that the desire to see your baby's tushy in an adorable poop catcher is reasonably common given then recent release of the ridiculously expensive Pampers Prints.

::finishes off the last of my (one and only) glass of red wine::

Just the other day I was sitting on the foam tile squares that make up my son's activity area, folding diaper laundry and playing with the kiddo, and I remarked to The Man that I actually forget that ~~some~~ most people put paper diapers on their children. After using CDs for the last 6-ish months, I actually can't imagine anything different and I totally forget that we are waaaaay in the minority. Kind of like I occasionally forget that not everyone spends tens of thousands of dollars to have a team of scientists knock them up. Guess all the weirdness goes together. LOL.

Too Much Tragedy In One House

2011-06-14T00:51:00.003-04:00

Infertility is not fair. Pregnancy loss after infertility is not fair. A second loss is almost beyond my ability to comprehend. Please offer your condolences.

On The Turning Away

2011-06-02T23:22:00.005-04:00

Just a bit ago I got finished reading a message thread from an old IF friend on FB. She was sharing some old fertile versus infertile drama that she had saved on her computer with me. It was mildly amusing. After reading it I asked her if I used to be that "bad". She told me yes. Kindly. And at the same time admitted that since she crossed over so long before me, it was probably more obvious to her than it otherwise would have been.

And that got me thinking. And randomly that Floyd song popped into my head.

On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won't understand
"Don't accept that what's happening
Is just a case of others' suffering
Or you'll find that you're joining in
The turning away"

That song has nothing to do with infertiles. But the phenomenon of ignoring the ails of others is pretty much unilateral in humans. Not that no one ever helps anyone else. But... it's just so freaking easy to ignore things that don't directly affect you. This is true for really fucked up stuff in lands far away what's going on in Syria to things a little closer to home, like the current US unemployment rate to that person you know going through infertility.

I was someone who bellowed loud and proud that, having going through infertility I would never do X, Y or Z. The farther into the past those dark days of 2008 recede, the more I'm eating my words. Would you believe I don't even visit my online IF chat forums on a daily basis any more? As my IF friends were getting their BFPs and I couldn't even pursue treatment, I yelled and screamed with fury about feeling forgotten and left behind. And now, my child almost 8 months old, I'm marching along in my happy life, only visiting those left on Infertility Island when it's convenient for me.

I'm a sham! A selfish fraud!

There is that saying about time healing all wounds. I definitely don't think that is true. But time does diminish them. Particularly if whatever harmed you has been removed. I suspect that time has not "healed" the wounds of infertility for those left permanently childfree not by choice. But for those of us who are lucky enough to be on the success side of the ART stats... well, time sure does diminish those IF wounds.

While I have to work very hard to keep my eyes from rolling out of my head as women from my October Due Date board(s) have begun announcing their BFPs for baby #2 (or 3 or eleventy bazillion), it's nothing compared to the the way I used to wish death by peestick suffocation on anyone with the audacity to get knocked up "before" me.

Having a child doesn't immediately fix the bitterness. But over time all that pain and angst fades away as you bask daily in the delight of the tiny human you get the privileged of raising. And when that happens, even though you can empathize with those who are still in the trenches, sometimes, you just don't really feel like it. I mean, it's so nice and sunny and warm and dry here on the mainland... And it's not like I have a life jacket or a buoy to throw to those poor souls out there swimming desperately for the shore...

I am NOT saying that I consciously chose to ignore all those still struggling for their BFP. Rather, without meaning to, I just go on with my life without them. I think that maybe the reason I was so mad about feeling left behind was because, even though none of my friends who had already crossed over would admit it to me, that is exactly what was happening.

Self Indulgent Much?

2011-05-17T20:43:00.004-04:00

The title speaks volumes. I used to be one of those bloggers who took pride in being "up"on all the 100+ blogs to which I am subscribed in Google Reader. Not so much any more. No, now I am the horses ass who can't see past the melodrama of my own life. Sad and pathetic though it may be, equally much it is true. Bah. I can apologize but I'm actually not totally sure what I'm sorry for. For not reading as much as I should, for not coming any where near close to commenting as much as I should, for living a life so full of dramaz, or for having my head so far up my ass that I can't just get over the dramaz even when it is happening.

The last month has been pretty crazy. I went back to work (5 days a week but only partial days). Began putting my son in his own crib at night. Began putting my son in daycare while I'm at work. The combination of not sleeping next to the kiddo + being away from him 6 hours a day has been really hard for me... I just *miss* him so much. 10 years ago I would have bet you a million dollars that I would never want to be a SAHM. Now, if I had it, I would probably give you a million dollars to be able to do it. Funny how life works like that.

Three weeks ago yesterday, I got into a car accident on my way home over lunch (to pick up the tubing for my pump that I forgot) and smashed up the whole front end of my car. I wasn't really hurt - just a seat belt burn across the chest and a chemical? burn on my hand from the airbag. A week and a half ago I was informed that insurance was totaling out my beautiful Acura TL instead of fixing it. So, last Saturday, we went out and bought a brand new Subaru Outback. Paid for half with the insurance money and financed the other half. Aaaaand then 3 days later The Man got fired.

Which is a whole topic in and of itself. The Man getting fired again. *sigh* I literally don't have the energy to rehash it all. I am 99.9999% sure that he wasn't fired for performance. Or if he was our lives together are a big lie because, to my knowledge, he was working 60+ hours a week. I'm pretty sure he got fired because he's super aggressive. He's always been a stoic alpha male. But in the last year or so he's acquired a shove it down your throat and don't even think of looking at me cross-eyed persona. He had conflicts with multiple people at work - some above him and some below him. And then, probably, the straw that broke the camel's back was when he caught one of his employees lying and screwing my company over. (Yes, my company hired his company to do some work.) The owner of his company got indignant about "Why would you tell your wife about it?" Which is totally ridiculous but I'm pretty sure he held that against The Man.

I've been trying to convince The Man that he should start his own business for a while. He's never been interested. After looking at the want adds last week, he's finally interested. So that will be a whole new adventure for us. Just today The Man dumped the majority of the money that we had in savings into a checking account in his new company's name. Exciting and scary.

Overall I have a good life and overall I'm happy. Likewise despite the fact that my husband and I aren't getting along great I think he's a decent human being and I am trying to meet him in the middle and be a good wife. I don't always succeed but I am putting forth a good faith effort.

I am not sure why I'm posting this. The abundance of prolactin in my body has apparently killed not only my sex drive but also my ability to remember anything or perform higher reasoning. Or maybe that is due to the lack of estrogen. Six of one half a dozen of the other. Either way, I'm half-brain dead these days. Hopefully some day soon my frontal cortex will spool back up to it's normal speed and I can write something witty for my future self to read and retrospectively smile. Hopefully. :/

You've Gotta Be Kidding Me

2011-05-10T23:41:00.001-04:00

The Man got fired again.

*head*desk*head*desk*

Zombie

2011-04-19T17:39:00.004-04:00

I feel like a Zombie. I think I got between 2 - 3 hours of sleep last night. Between getting up to nurse, nursing, going back to my own bed, trying to fall asleep, worrying about how the kiddo is doing, laying awake listening when I can hear the kiddo is awake but not crying per se, I did not get much sleep. Add the sleep deprivation to the fact that I don't want to sleep separate than the kiddo and I am just a total emotional basketcase.

I know I sound like a broken record. And truly, you don't have to "listen". Feel free to skip this whiny whiny post (or any others as you see fit for that matter). I just don't understand. Why is this such a big deal to my husband? For millions and millions of years human infants have slept next to their mamas. That is just what is natural and normal and, IMO, "right". Him being in a totally other room just seems so profoundly wrong.

Just a few weeks ago I was spending 24/7 with my little guy. Now I work (a half day) 5 days a week, and I don't get to cuddle him through naps or at night. I seriously get to spend just a few hours a day with my little guy. It just breaks my heart. He is RIGHT HERE and yet I miss him so much. I just can NOT seem to wrap my head around all of these artificial constructs that seem to be driving a wedge between me and my baby. Physically for sure and I worry emotionally. How can I be a good mama when I only get to be with him for such a short time each day?

Before the kiddo came along, as we struggled through those endless years of infertility, I loathed the phrase "You'll understand when you have kids". And truly, I still think the phrase is overused. But the one place it applies so very much is in relation to love. The love I have for my kiddo so eclipses anything else I've ever felt. Consequently, when I am away from him I miss him. AND I'm totally paranoid about doing things "wrong" that will damage him. I just can't stop feeling like forcing his tiny self to be so far from me at such a tender age isn't cold-hearted. I mean, in his little brain, at this cognitive developmental stage, when I am not there, I cease to exist. Apparently this is why sleep training "works" at this age. But I can not get over how cruel it seems to intentionally create a situation where, in his brain, he has been abandoned every night. How awful that must feel. To be awake and looking around in the dark and be lonely and frightened and not have your mama there to comfort you?

Do you see the loop that keeps playing in my brain? Why is The Man doing this? Why do I have to choose between making my baby happy and making my husband happy? This just seems so unfair! :(

pout

2011-04-18T23:20:00.003-04:00

We put the kiddo in his crib for the first time last night. I had to get up 3 times to nurse him. No skin off The Man's nose though - he slept straight through. It's 11:20 pm now and I don't really care about going to bed. I'm going along with this whole crib thing because it's what The Man wants but I am so not on board. Is there something wrong with me that I really miss snuggling my baby over night? :(

Long Time No Blog

2011-04-07T22:20:00.002-04:00

Today the kiddo had his 6 month well check. He is still monstrous, weighing in at 22 pounds, 13 ounces and measuring 29.5" long. He's wearing 12-18 months size clothes, depending on the brand.

Last week was "transition week" at the daycare. Basically, I went with him to daycare for three days so that he could get used to that setting while still being "safe" with mom. And then this week has been my first back at work. I've only been working half days but it is still killing me. It's weird because I enjoy the time to be an adult and be productive and be ... free ... but then when I see him I have metric tons of guilt that come cascading down - along with joy and happiness and what not. I don't think I want to ever go back "full time". I hope I can find a way to be part-time and be successful at accomplishing the things the company needs from me.

Sometimes, like tonight, just randomly, I was at the grocery after he went to bed and the lady in the check out aisle next to me had her two sons with her - ages maybe 4 and 6 - and the younger one looked a little like I imagine my son might at that age. And I was just on the verge of tears. From love. The magnitude of my love for my son just spontaneously welled up inside me so large and so fast it almost took my breath away. Every single day I fall more in love with the little critter. While I do truly love my husband, it doesn't compare to the way I feel about my son. Sometimes I feel guilty about that. But it's not my fault - I mean, I didn't program the biology, I'm just a victim of it.

Thank you to Dean for recommending Bed Timing. I did read it and we are planning to try to transition the kiddo to his crib next week. I really, really, really, really, really (can I type that 100 times) don't want to. But I am going to. Because my husband wants it. And because I see my friends who have 15 and 18 and 24 month olds sleeping with them and they tell me if they had known then what they know now, they would have transitioned before their child became so strong willed. *sigh* I will miss sleeping next to my little guy so much. I love snuggling with him at night. Also I have insane and blinding paranoia that he will suddenly stop breathing and I *feel* like my magical mommy powers will protect him and keep that from happening if I'm sleeping next to him. When he is sleeping in the evening while I am up doing things I seriously check on him at least once an hour. How can I possibly sleep in an entirely different room than him?

I'm not sure what else to write. There is not a lot going on in my life other than experiencing each day with my child. I have been acutely aware of my mortality since my early twenties. Ever since the kiddo was born I am acutely aware of each day passing, and my child constantly growing and changing into someone new, with that prior being irretrievable, gone forever. I am trying so very hard to enjoy each day and relish each experience with my child. To "live in the moment" as my father in law says. To follow the advice of Dr. Seuss and just be glad it happened and not sad that it is over. It is hard though when the majority of you just wants to stop time and cling to every single second as if it is the most precious I will ever experience.

My cup truly runneth over.

Mah Fat Bebe

2011-02-08T15:40:00.003-05:00

(the title should be pronounced in a Cartman voice)

4 months, 2 days old

20 pounds 10 ounces heavy

28.5 inches long

I'm a Dumbass

2011-02-06T17:12:00.002-05:00

After pounding out that last little post I started bawling in frustration and went to see my dad. He can see the guy's point of view but also loves and supports me so he usually has good advice. After talking to him I feel much better. I am a dumbass for interrupting The Man's nap-making efforts. I should have left him to fail (or succeed). My only fear is the whole CIO thing. I will not let my 4 month old CIO and today, again, before storming off The Man decreed that the babe might just have to "cry for a while". This one little thing is a big thing to me and makes me not trust The Man and the kiddos intermittent but slightly escalating whimpering is actually what prompted me to go up and check on them. If I can get The Man on board with fact that CIO at this age is BAD then I promise to let him do his own thing in his own way and not get in the middle. *sigh* This is ridiculously hard.

I Called It.

2011-02-06T14:43:00.003-05:00

I just went up to check on them. The baby was laying wide awake in the crib talking to himself and The Man was sitting in the rocking chair playing on his phone. I asked him what he was doing and he said waiting for the baby to fall asleep. When I told him that's not how it works, when the baby gets tired enough he's going to cry to be picked up, not just nod off, The Man got pissed and left. He's is on his way to work right now and the child is awake in my arms. Selfish asshole. That's all I can think to myself right now. That and I really kind of hate him. This is beyond unhealthy.

We'll See...

2011-02-06T13:59:00.003-05:00

Yesterday we bought this crib with the intention of side-car'ing it since it's a.) cheap and b.) one side comes off. This morning I asked The Man if he is "nervous" about trying it out tonight. He looked at me like I was crazy and asked why he'd be "nervous". I responded that it's going to be the first of a series of tough nights since he's agreed to be awake any/all times I am overnight. He scoffed and said it's "no big deal". This coming from the guy who hasn't gotten up to change one diaper, one sitch of clothes or do one feeding over night since the child was born. But he's going to be up 3 - 5 times tonight while I feed the kid, put the kid into the crib, renurse the kid back to sleep because he popped back awake when I put him down, etc., etc., etc.

Of course, this will only start tonight if The Man can get the little crib put together before the Super Bowl starts. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it won't take him long to get it put together. It's just that right now he's trying to get the kiddo to go down for a nap in the crib in the nursery. You see, I had the kiddo asleep twice and twice his eyes were wide open and his mouth was wailing before I even had my arms fully out of the crib. So now it's The Man's turn. When I handed the kid off to him his response was "Yeah, right." My response was "YOU want the kid to sleep in a crib, it's your turn." Our child is 4 months old today and this is literally the first time The Man has ever tried to put him down to sleep. Much less lay him down after said sleep is achieved. Should be interesting. I've got $10 bucks on him coming back downstairs in a half hour saying the kid "doesn't want" to nap. Which is 100% not true. That's ok though, he'll get another shot about an hour after that to try again.

He wants to play hardball, I can play hardball.

I'm a mess

2011-02-04T06:20:00.007-05:00

The thing that really boggles me about The Man being so anti-cosleeping is that every fiber of his being leans toward the path of least resistance. He is a seriously lazy human being. And cosleeping is easy. Not that there aren't some inconveniences but because it is biologically preprogrammed into us, it is such an easier sleeping arrangement than "training" a tiny human into something else. But then as soon as I typed that I realized that the hardship of the "training" doesn't/won't fall on him.

Just a few minutes ago, before he left for work, I agreed to The Man to get a crappy crib from Ikea today and try to sidecar it up to our (new) (king) bed this weekend in an attempt to make The Man and the kiddo both happy. I don't 100% see how this is going to work since I really need to nurse the kiddo on both sides overnight. And he likes to sleep in my armpit, literally. But. I will try it. Likewise, during the day, instead of holding the kiddo for his naps, which are frequent and long and healthy, I will start trying to lay him down in his crib. I used to try that, you know? Before you actually have a kid, you have these ideas about how things will work. One of my ideas was that babies take naps in cribs and swings and carseats and then you can do other stuff. But that has never been my kiddo. He hates, Hates, HATES the carseat. He would tolerate the swing only for short periods of time, and if he did fall asleep it wouldn't last more than a max of 30 minutes and was usually more like 15. And every time I laid him in his crib, he woke up. If not immediately, in under 10 minutes. We had the best luck with him sleeping in his bouncy seat for stretches of 30 - 60 minutes somewhat consistently. But now that he's trying to sit up and 20 pounds that isn't even an option any more.

This morning, before The Man left for work I told him that I would try to start putting the kiddo in his crib for naps. I commented that it is going to be PAINFUL. Because the kiddo is just going to wake up every time I lay him down. And then he'll be cranky for the next 90 minutes until I can nurse him back to sleep. And then he'll sleep in my arms for 20 minutes and when I put him down he'll wake up. And then he'll be cranky for the next 90 minutes until I can nurse him back to sleep. And then he'll sleep in my arms for 20 minutes and when I put him down he'll wake up. I *know* this routine. I've done it with him before. It was so horrible and awful and painful for both the kiddo and me that I stopped doing it and just accepted that my baby wanted to be held for his naps and figured that there are worse ways to spend my time. And since then I have basically learned to enjoy my time holding him while he sleeps. Yes it's very limiting on getting other things done but the kiddo will only be tiny once and I want to soak up every precious minute of cuddling I can get.

I'm rambling. My point is just that it is so easy for The Man to demand that all the sleeping patterns be disrupted because it isn't him who is going to deal with it. It's me. I will be the one at home all day with a cranky baby. I will be the one awake all night with a cranky baby. It's all me. Yes, I know the comments everyone will have - that The Man needs to help out more with this transition since he's the one who wants it. And while I agree, it won't happen. If I try to get it out of him he'll just be cranky/mean and we'll fight. Or he'll decree the side-car isn't working and demand we go with the crib in the kiddo's room. And he has NO problems with CIO even at this young age. My husband is just... insensitive. It makes me cry as I type that because it's unfair and it sucks but it's just who he is. And he doesn't understand or care how difficult his anti-cosleeping-ness is on me or the kiddo, it's just what he wants so he wants it.

I'm not trying to bash my husband. I do love him. And he has lots of great qualities. Sensitivity and empathy are just not among them. Oh I am so lost...

A number of commenters have suggested counseling. We are going again. I went alone several weeks ago. The man went alone last night. We are going together next week. I hope it helps because I am truly so lost. I am torn between wanting to scream obscenities at my husband and just crawl into a corner and cry. And if truth be told, I am scared of the counselor. Most of the health care professionals in the US are so anti-cosleeping so I think it's likely the counselor will take The Man's side carte blanche. And of course last night when The Man came home from his appointment he didn't tell me anything about it except that the counselor agrees that the kid needs to be out of our bed AND we need to have him take a pacifier. So I don't think my fears are unfounded.

I just don't understand. Why is this such a big deal to The Man? Why won't he let me have this? Why can't he just let my baby snuggle with me while he sleeps? Why can't it be easy? Why do we have to force something that is so hard? Why does The Man get to be the one to decide what's right for all of us? I'm so sad and frustrated. Everyone keeps telling me that I have to put my husband first, that I have to put my marriage first. And I just don't understand. It just seems so counterintuitive - why doesn't the baby come first? I thought that was how it was supposed to be - that The Man and I together both put the baby first? I don't understand. I'm so happy to have my baby here and he's such a good baby and I like holding him and sleeping next to him and he likes it but we're not allowed to do it because The Man doesn't like it. God that just seems so twisted. I'm so crying deep heaving sobs, completely and totally devastated and confused.

Worn Down

2011-02-03T00:26:00.002-05:00

I am so worn right now. My husband is working 55 to 65 hours a week and I am lucky to see him an hour a day. He goes in sometimes on the weekends. And he devotes all day Sundays to football which means no quality time for me and/or the kiddo with him. And his whole "I-don't-want-any-more-kids-because-life-with-a-kid-is-so-difficult" thing has me afraid to ask him to step up in any way less I push him farther into his current line of thought. It's total bullshit the way he tells me he hates that I'm "in babyland" all the time but I basically bear 100% of the responsibilities for the kid 23+ hours a day. He's playing both sides of the coin and it's not fair.

We've known we needed to replace them for several years but had been putting it off because who really wants to throw down $5K on something as un-fun as gutters if you don't absolutely have to? So since we procrastinated this is what we ended up with.

Well, only the top half of that picture is gutter related drama. The second half is sewer related. We've had floor drain back-ups in our basement periodically since we moved in 5 years ago. Recently found out our MAIN LINE was broken in multiple places.

On the upside I think that the two disasters really work well together to make us the most coveted house on the block. If only they knew about our completely gutted but never redone master bath! Which, on that note, after over a year of my husband promising to finish that but never so much as lifting a screwdriver, I have someone coming in this weekend to give me a bid. I've never hired out this type of work before - pre-baby we were DIY'ers - I hope I don't get taken.

My husband needs a new prosthesis. We've known this for several months. But the quote was for $5K. And the man's insurance has a $5K deductible. So basically all out of pocket. Fucking annoying. We've been saving and in December (before we knew about the gutters and sewer issues) we told the prosthetist to go ahead and build his new leg. Well this week the guy tells my husband that he accidentally forgot to include the foot in the quote and that's going to be another $6K. And insurance only covers a max of $2,500 per year for "durable medical equipment" which is the category into which prosthetics fall (and pacemakers and hearing aids, etc.) So now we're supposed to somehow magically come up with another $3,500 for that.

Tonight around 6:15 I heard the garage door open. When The Man hadn't come into the house 5 minutes later I started getting antsy. I was waiting to cook dinner till he got here since the kiddo was super cranky from not napping well (thank you sewer repair dudes for all your noise) and I really *needed* him to watch him. Aaaaaannnd when I went into the garage I saw The Man's truck in the driveway but no Man. So even though I was in sock feet and carrying the kiddo I ventured out onto the ice skating rink that is our driveway. Bad idea. Fell. Hard. And protected the baby instead of myself. My ass is so sore. So sore. Incredibly sore. The sorest I have ever experienced. I can't walk, bend, sit or lay comfortably. It's totally awesome.

I'm so tired.

O Wise Internets

2011-01-18T22:00:00.003-05:00

I am in need of your counsel. This is unlikely to be organized as I need to stomp it out before the Tiny Tyrant notices I'm missing...

The Man and I are having issues again. We're not fighting necessarily but that is mostly because we're just not interacting at all.

As I've mentioned before, The Man is anti-cosleeping. So me and the kiddo sleep in one of the guest beds while The Man sleeps in the Master. A few weeks ago I decided that arrangement was bullshit and so ordered us a king size bed. Today it was delivered. Today The Man decreed that he will be sleeping in the guest room until the kiddo is relocated into the nursery. I was aghast; the kiddo slept in our bed in the first few weeks and although The Man wasn't in favor he didn't act like it was that big of a deal. I mean, I knew he wasn't in favor but after all the research I've done, I really believe it is the *best* option. So for that reason, if none other, I want to do it. BUT there is another reason: breastfeeding. The kiddo still feeds about 3 times a night. And he wakes up every time you set him down (I know this from during-the-day-naps). So although The Man will allow (but doesn't "like") the co-sleeper, in order to use it I would have to sit up and drag the kiddo into bed with us 3 times a night, then somehow convince him to go back to sleep after I set him down. All because The Man has some irrational thing about the kiddo not being in our bed. To quote him He's "not going to be that guy that has his kid sleeping in his bed". Yes, he actually said that. He has NO reason for not wanting the kid in our bed except that he just doesn't. And he says that should be a good enough reason for me. But it's not. Because I have two REAL reasons why the kiddo SHOULD be in our bed.

Beyond this totally and completely huge issue, we just aren't connecting in general. The Man says that he "doesn't have a wife anymore". I asked him what he means since I do 97% of the cooking, cleaning, childcare and bill paying. He said we don't talk enough or cuddle enough or have sex enough. I was totally bowled over by this since it wasn't all that long ago that he unceremoniously informed me that he doesn't like cuddling and never has and only did it to get sex. And he always tells me I talk too much. I think he's just pissed he isn't getting enough blow jobs. Which he's not. But he's getting some. And I don't want to be doing any. Hello breastfeeding - polactin + oxytocin = no drive. But I am putting out at least a little which is totally and completely for his benefit. But he doesn't see that; doesn't see what I'm giving of myself, only what he's not getting. I feel like that is so selfish.

He says I'm in "babyland" all the time. Which I am. But we have a 3 month old. SOMEONE has to be in "babyland" most of the time. And it sure as shit isn't him. This weekend I was talking about how fun it is to play with our son and he looked at me incredulously and said "FUN?!?" Tonight he reiterated that he doesn't think playing with our son is fun. At the same time he says his negative reaction when I ask him to watch his son (so I can, you know, cook or clean) is related to ME, not his son. He's so fucking NOT introspective that instead of recognizing his own apathy toward parenting he instead just thinks negatively about me. Nice. Real nice.

I am so sad and angry. My son is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am so happy to see him in the morning. And I am so happy to hear his little breath as he falls asleep at night. On a day-to-day basis I am the happiest I've ever been. And all my husband ever does is crap in my wheaties. And that pisses me off. I feel like if he can't join the party then he should get the fuck out. But then I calm down and think maybe I *am* in too much of babyland and I need to pay more attention to The Man. I just fell like my husband is a grown adult; he should be participating in doing the baby-ing toward our son, not requiring it himself!

O wise Internets - if you have any spare wisdom to bestow on a very confused Me, please do so!

Bullets Before He Wakes Up

2011-01-14T22:56:00.003-05:00

I call him the Tiny Tyrant. I think he's a pretty easy going baby and truly don't feel oppressed by his needs but I still find this nickname fitting.

I knew that I wanted to cloth diaper before he was born but put off researching and acquiring until after he was born. On the one hand I was uber busy. But also, if I'm honest with myself, I was afraid of poop. I knew that I *wanted* to CD but I was afraid. We started CD'ing when he was around 6 weeks. He's now over 14 weeks and it's going great. It took us a few weeks to find a night time solution but when we did it sent us in a whole new direction. I had started off buying pocket dipes but once I discovered the magic of wool... well, now every day he wears cute printed diapers and hand knitted wool longies. It's awesome awesomeness. (The readers' digest version of my CD experience thus far - it's 9 bazillion times easier than you think - there's just extra laundry.)

I don't want to go back to work. I have the luxury of taking an extended maternity leave - 5 to 6 months instead of 3. But I'm still already half way thought it. And I dread going back. First and foremost I don't want to leave the kiddo. Today while I was putting some laundry from the washer to the dryer he spun himself around from one end of the playmat to the other - so I missed it. And it made me think of all the things I'll miss when he's in daycare. And it makes me tragically sad. But I own a business so not going back is not an option. And if I didn't work we would have to sell our house. We could afford to live. But not here.

My son is growing like a weed. He was born huge at 10 pounds, 21". At his 1 month appt he was 13 pounds 8 oz and 24". At his 2 month appt he was 15 pounds 14 oz and > 25". He hasn't been weighed or measured since then but this week he is outgrowning his 9 months sizes. Literally. He's freaking huge. I'm tall and The Man is tall though so it is to be expected.

My son has red hair. My mom had red hair when she was young. The Man's dad had red in his moustache when he was young. Guess that's whence the kiddo gets it. Very interested to see if it stays. I always wanted red hair when I was younger so I'm hoping it does. :)

Uh, oh, kiddo awake. Gottsta go.

Stream of Consciousness

2010-12-27T22:57:00.001-05:00

My qualms about if I should or should not blog have been moot as of late since I haven’t had any time to engage in said activity. I have spent the majority of the time since my son was born holding him. While he’s awake and while he’s asleep. During the day he often sleeps in my arms. At night he sleeps cuddled up against my body. He doesn’t like to sleep unless he’s next to a human being. Some people might say I’m spoiling him. Although I can recognize that a pattern, a habit, is being created, I don’t think it’s “spoiling”. If you examine the habits of mammals on a broad spectrum, the offspring sleep cuddled up next to mama. That is how it’s done. To this day, across most of the world, that is how it is for most humans. But for some reason our bizarre western culture has decided that it’s better to quarantine our young off by themselves. The adults sleep cuddled up next to one another and the babies are forced to sleep alone. Truly bizarre. I don’t even have words to express how much I love sleeping with my little guy cuddled up next to me. It is so natural and amazing and incredible. Unfortunately my husband doesn’t think so. In fact, he’s down right annoyed about the situation. There is some part of him that understands the biological reality and agrees this is probably best for the kid’s psychological well being and so tolerates me doing it. But there is also a huge part of him that hates it. Apparently the whole sleeping arrangement is a significant factor in his whole “I don’t want any more kids” thought process. I so don’t understand. I mean, even if he does hate it, each child will be an infant for such a short period of time. Small sacrifice for a lifetime of having offspring. In general I’m having a really tough time with his whole “I don’t want any more kids” decree(s). I have never considered myself a particularly maternal or sensitive person. But this is the best thing I’ve ever experienced in my whole life. I love being a mom. I love waking up to my kiddo’s tiny face. I love waiting for his eyes to open and then seeing that smile as his eyes focus on me. Quite honestly, for me, the joy is unparalleled. And I am here alone with my little guy almost all day by myself. And I’m breastfeeding so I’m the one to get up at night. I take care of the kid 90%+ by myself. Which is mostly ok. Because I love it. Freaking love it. A part of me still can’t believe just how much I love it. But I do. Consequently, the thought of not having any more children literally makes me shiver from the inside out. I actually said to my husband the other day that if it came down to me choosing between having more kids or staying married to him I think we would end up divorced. He said that might have to be the way things go. I was speechless. This is a huge albatross that I can’t shake. I try to just enjoy the here and the now and keep telling myself that we will cross that bridge when we come to it. But I am so sad and so mad about the whole situation. Our son is so wonderful and he just really doesn’t appreciate it. The other day he was at the bar with some coworkers and he decided to poll them about if he should have any more kids or not. Of course all but one are divorced, one is raising four kids on his own because his ex-wife is irresponsible, one has a son that’s been in and out of jail, and one has his TWO grown children living with him. Can you guess what the consensus of this group was? I told him I didn’t think he could find a more biased sample if he tried! *sigh* No one told me that motherhood came with bucketfuls of guilt. I feel guilty all the time. About everything. For the house not being clean. For the laundry not being done. For accidently pinching the baby once when I was trying to snap his diaper closed. For not totally loving the 74th straight minute of dancing the stuffed frog to baby music for the kiddo. For not getting the monthly invoicing for my company done timely. For still being on maternity leave. For not working enough on my maternity leave. For feeling relieved when the kiddo is napping sometimes. For not fully and totally enjoying every single instant of every single day. For not giving my husband enough sexy time. For not wanting to prioritize giving my husband more sexy time. For not starting working out yet. For not putting the kiddo down for tummy time more often. For playing on the internet instead of cleaning when the kiddo is napping not in my arms sometimes. For stopping getting up after the kiddos 4am feed to pump. For not getting our living will or the kiddo’s 529 plan set up yet. For not taking enough pictures or video of the kiddo. I could seriously keep going. On and on and on. I actually truly feel guilty about all this. Intellectually I know that the guilt is senseless, mostly unmerited and ridiculous. Emotionally – I just feel guilty. WTF?

I have more thoughts. My fingers are flying across the keyboard and still can’t keep up with the mental diarrhea as it spills into my consciousness. But it’s almost 11pm and I’m tired. And the kiddo will have me up in 7 to 8 hours. Not to mention at least 2 feedings between now and then. So I need to go to bed. I’m too tired to read through what I wrote – for content or grammar – but I have this vague feeling that maybe it sounded negative. Which is kind of backwards. Because I am happy. Very genuinely happy. More so that I’ve ever been in my life. I can’t believe my liberated, college educated ass is going to say this but… I feel like being a mother is my calling…

2010-11-23T10:00:00.002-05:00

In general, I have a rule against listening to Xmas music before Black Friday. But this morning after I plunked the kiddo into his bouncy seat, poised on the kitchen countertop, and turned on the radio to do my daily song and dance routine for him, Elvis' "Blue Blue Christmas" came out and I liked it so I left it. The kiddo seemed to enjoy it too. The next song was Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You". I started singing along and then suddenly I was in tears:

"I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is...
You"

The kiddo usually *seems* to enjoy my little off Broadway routine but he went from smiling to a look of consternation when I teared up. I was trying so hard to smile and sing along but I just couldn't. It was so overwhelming. I still can't believe he's here. I feel so incredibly lucky...

This child has changed me so much in so many ways. For the first time in my life I find *most* babies irresistibly cute. I am more sensitive and empathetic. I am more cognizant of my words and actions on other peoples' children. I think the most surprising thing for me is how much I love parenting.

Many of you know that up until the last 12 months or so, I've been very involved in my niece and nephew's lives. There were days when I literally could not NOT have a glass of wine while helping my niece with her homework. I did what needed to be done because it needed to be done and I'm a responsible person and I love them. It is so different with my child. SO different. I know that over the decades of childrearing I won't always be so gung-ho. But still. It's so very different with my own child. Somehow the love part of the equation is bigger and the obligation is smaller. Case in point: this morning, changing and feeding the kiddo at 4am - I didn't mind to begin with but then he gave me one of those genuine baby smiles and my heart melted and despite being exhausted all of a sudden I had to force myself to turn the light off and go back to bed because I wanted to play with him SO much!

Before we had him... actually dating all the way back to before we even knew we had IF issues, The Man had always joked about wanting six kids and acted like he would settle for four. I had always said that I thought two would be more than sufficient but perhaps I might be able to acquiesce to as many as four, depending on how things go. The other day on the way home from the in-laws house I was trying to explain to the man how much I love and am fulfilled by taking care of our kiddo. It is so hard to verbalize and I wasn't doing a great job but for illustration I told him that I am feeling like maybe I want to give all of our (five) frozen CCS normal embies a shot at life outside the freezer, if we can afford it. His response was that, now knowing better what is involved in having children, he feels a little like maybe he would be ok stopping at the one we have. I just said "Hm..." and let it go. That is a conversation that doesn't need to be revisited for a bit yet. But I can't help but be amused by the irony.

Grieving Friends

2010-11-16T07:57:00.003-05:00

Two fellow CCRM'ers have recently gotten bad news:

Mo has been through a half dozen more IVFs than most of the IF community and has had way, way, way more m/c that most of us can even imagine. After doing two rounds of IVF with CCS testing, she has now m/c from the three blasts she transferred for her first FET.

R has had multiple, multiple, multiple failed and canceled cycles and recently just got her second BFN from a DE cycle. After mourning the loss of the genetic connection she is now forced to mourn the opportunity to ever carry a child.

If you haven't already, please pop over and offer these ladies your support and empathy. Remind them that we admire their strength and perseverance and that they are incredible women.