WeWriteFunny

Elmore Leonard’s 10 Rules of Writing

2010-03-10T10:27:36Z

Though this doesn’t specifically apply to comedy writing, it certainly does apply to writing, so I thought I would share it. It’s, as the above title suggests, Elmore Leonard’s 10 Rules of Writing (which is also available in much longer book form).

Elmore Leonard: Using adverbs is a mortal sin

1 Never open a book with weather. If it’s only to create atmosphere, and not a character’s reaction to the weather, you don’t want to go on too long. The reader is apt to leaf ahead looking for people. There are exceptions. If you happen to be Barry Lopez, who has more ways than an Eskimo to describe ice and snow in his book Arctic Dreams, you can do all the weather reporting you want.

2 Avoid prologues: they can be annoying, especially a prologue following an introduction that comes after a foreword. But these are ordinarily found in non-fiction. A prologue in a novel is backstory, and you can drop it in anywhere you want. There is a prologue in John Steinbeck’s Sweet Thursday, but it’s OK because a character in the book makes the point of what my rules are all about. He says: “I like a lot of talk in a book and I don’t like to have nobody tell me what the guy that’s talking looks like. I want to figure out what he looks like from the way he talks.”

3 Never use a verb other than “said” to carry dialogue. The line of dialogue belongs to the character; the verb is the writer sticking his nose in. But “said” is far less intrusive than “grumbled”, “gasped”, “cautioned”, “lied”. I once noticed Mary McCarthy ending a line of dialogue with “she asseverated” and had to stop reading and go to the dictionary.

4 Never use an adverb to modify the verb “said” . . . he admonished gravely. To use an adverb this way (or almost any way) is a mortal sin. The writer is now exposing himself in earnest, using a word that distracts and can interrupt the rhythm of the exchange. I have a character in one of my books tell how she used to write historical romances “full of rape and adverbs”.

5 Keep your exclamation points under control. You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words of prose. If you have the knack of playing with exclaimers the way Tom Wolfe does, you can throw them in by the handful.

6 Never use the words “suddenly” or “all hell broke loose”. This rule doesn’t require an explanation. I have noticed that writers who use “suddenly” tend to exercise less control in the application of exclamation points.

7 Use regional dialect, patois, sparingly. Once you start spelling words in dialogue phonetically and loading the page with apostrophes, you won’t be able to stop. Notice the way Annie Proulx captures the flavour of Wyoming voices in her book of short stories Close Range.

8 Avoid detailed descriptions of characters, which Steinbeck covered. In Ernest Hemingway’s “Hills Like White Elephants”, what do the “American and the girl with him” look like? “She had taken off her hat and put it on the table.” That’s the only reference to a physical description in the story.

9 Don’t go into great detail describing places and things, unless you’re Margaret Atwood and can paint scenes with language. You don’t want descriptions that bring the action, the flow of the story, to a standstill.

10 Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip. Think of what you skip reading a novel: thick paragraphs of prose you can see have too many words in them.

My most important rule is one that sums up the 10: if it sounds like writing, I rewrite it

Elmore is so smart. And a little witty. Margaret Atwood is smarter, and wittier, in my opinion, and here is her list…

Margaret Atwood

1 Take a pencil to write with on aeroplanes. Pens leak. But if the pencil breaks, you can’t sharpen it on the plane, because you can’t take knives with you. Therefore: take two pencils.

2 If both pencils break, you can do a rough sharpening job with a nail file of the metal or glass type.

3 Take something to write on. Paper is good. In a pinch, pieces of wood or your arm will do.

4 If you’re using a computer, always safeguard new text with a memory stick.

5 Do back exercises. Pain is distracting.

6 Hold the reader’s attention. (This is likely to work better if you can hold your own.) But you don’t know who the reader is, so it’s like shooting fish with a slingshot in the dark. What fascinates A will bore the pants off B.

7 You most likely need a thesaurus, a rudimentary grammar book, and a grip on reality. This latter means: there’s no free lunch. Writing is work. It’s also gambling. You don’t get a pension plan. Other people can help you a bit, but essentially you’re on your own. Nobody is making you do this: you chose it, so don’t whine.

8 You can never read your own book with the innocent anticipation that comes with that first delicious page of a new book, because you wrote the thing. You’ve been backstage. You’ve seen how the rabbits were smuggled into the hat. Therefore ask a reading friend or two to look at it before you give it to anyone in the publishing business. This friend should not be someone with whom you have a romantic relationship, unless you want to break up.

9 Don’t sit down in the middle of the woods. If you’re lost in the plot or blocked, retrace your steps to where you went wrong. Then take the other road. And/or change the person. Change the tense. Change the opening page.

10 Prayer might work. Or reading something else. Or a constant visualisation of the holy grail that is the finished, published version of your resplendent book.

These lists, and a few more can be found on http://www.guardian.co.uk

Funny for Friday #15: Olympics

2010-03-06T02:14:05Z

Suggested to me by Youtube

2010-03-04T14:07:38Z

Thanks, Youtube!Similar Posts:

Suggested to me by Youtube is a post from: WeWriteFunny

The Ballad of Lenny

2010-03-03T10:21:56Z

Bandura Lessons $5

Lenny made all the beautiful music he could on his Bandura to impress the goatherder’s daughter. Lenny played like Sorongstrang the legendary Bandura player of old. The magic call of its plinky notes brought many beautiful snakes into the house. Still, she did not say she loved Lenny.

When he saw this, he made a face under his beard, but no one could notice it. He threw the heavy Bandura out of his first-floor window. “I wasted five bucks on those Bandura lessons.”

The girl left to milk her goats. Lenny grumbled for a spell about the five dollars.Similar Posts:

The Ballad of Lenny is a post from: WeWriteFunny

Some day, when I have a son…

2010-03-01T22:44:11Z

I hope he’s exactly like this:

What I’ll Miss Most About the Winter Olympics

2010-03-01T09:38:17Z

Watching Figure Skating Alone in the Dark on a Saturday Night

There’s nothing like settling in on a Saturday night, drinking 16 or 17 beers and watching people twirl around on the ice. And I love weeping silently to myself after a really powerful dance move that coincides with the swelling of music. So graceful. So…petite.

Cool Runnings Quotes

Remember that movie? Cool Runnings? Well for a two week span, you were forced to listen to my criminally pathetic attempt at a Jamaican accent. You also had to listen to me absolutely BUTCHER quotes from the movie. Now that the Winter Olympics have come and gone, you have permission to slap and or punch me when when I break into the Jamaican bobsled song…a song with words that I can’t be bothered to look up.

The 5 Second Span Where My Friends and I Thought our Curling Yelling was Funny.

WHOA!! WHOAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Hahaha, that was hilarious. WHOA! Ha…not so much now though…

Realizing, Along with Other College Graduates, That I Honestly Don’t Know the Difference Between Great Britain and the UK…

Ok…so…they’re both similar, right? I think Great Britain is part of the UK…or something…but what’s the difference? And why the hell do a collection of countries get to compete together? That’s kinda lame. Can’t Scotland Whales and Northern Ireland compete for their own medals? Or do they? Wait, are Scotland Whales and Northern Ireland countries? Ya never really hear about them. I feel stupid. I swear I’m smart…at least that’s what I tell people…

Daydreaming about Winning a Medal in an Unusual Way

I honestly have played through this scenario a few times in the past week:

I competed in the biathlon and did okay. I didn’t come anywhere close to winning, or so I thought. Months later, I’m unemployed, sitting in my kitchen in my mobile home (somewhere in Florida) opening my mail. I come across a letter from the IOC. The letter says that the entire Norwegian, Swedish and Finish teams were disqualified in the biathlon for using bullets that weren’t sanctioned by the IOC and using experimental screws in their skies that were banned the previous year. So, after 38 people were DQd, I, by default, came in third and won a bronze medal. I silently say, “What the hell?” to myself in my dimly lit, shitty home. A week later my bronze medal is mailed to me and it clearly has been damaged–damage that occurred when the IOC had to forcibly take the medal from its previous owner in a police shootout. I put the medal in my sock drawer for a week until I pawn it for cash–cash that I use to buy dish soap.

Eating Ham Straight Out of the Deli Bag

*Joe stuffs a fist-full of ham into his mouth* ”WAHOOOOO!!! OLYMPICS!!!!”Similar Posts:

What I’ll Miss Most About the Winter Olympics is a post from: WeWriteFunny

Also, this:

2010-02-25T18:49:11Z

Stupid byitch.Similar Posts:

Also, this: is a post from: WeWriteFunny

Say what you will about John…

2010-02-24T20:42:10Z

…he was definitely not a meathead.

(check out more awful/ridiculous photos at latfh.com)Similar Posts:

Say what you will about John… is a post from: WeWriteFunny

Top Ten Things People Will Think You’re Crazy For, If They Overhear You Saying It To Yourself At A Bus Stop

2010-02-24T08:50:38Z

Bus Stops Attract Crazy

When you are standing alone at a bus stop, sometimes things slip out. Thoughts. Things that probably aren;t meant to be blurted out loud, but they are. When people notice you saying this stuff to yourself they think you’re crazy. Here are some of those things you shouldn’t say.

10) If I didn’t WANT bananas, I wouldn’t have BOUGHT bananas.

9) If that shoe hadn’t been stuck up there, then maybe… maybe he woulda had a chance.

8 ) No, I shouldn’t kill people.

7) I look like Lurch.

6) You can’t make me.

5) Fuck you!! (angrily, thinking of a family member or partner who has pissed you off)

4) 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1… (then look at them)

3) Simon waits here at the bus stop like he was told.

2) Lip. Lip….. Lip. Lip read. Lip r-e-a-d-e-r-s. (long pause) Lips.

1) Heartbeat one. Heartbeat two. Heartbeat three. Heartbeat four. (and so on.)

Bonus Material:

11) Excuse me. (to no one).

12) If anyone asks me to move again I’ll tell them no again.

13) How did I get here.

14) Yip-yip-yipeee! Yet-yet-yetiiiiii!

15) (with annoyance) No one has brought me my frappuccino!

16) Errrm, ughhhm, rrmmrmm devil rrmrmm uhhhmmmm mrrrrmmmm.

17) I talk to myself until you do. I talk to myself until you do. I talk to myself… (repeat)

18) If no one looks me in the eye it won;t happen again.

19) (if there are only two of you at the bus stop) How are all of us people going to fit on the bus?

20) I like to talk my words.Similar Posts:

Top Ten Things People Will Think You’re Crazy For, If They Overhear You Saying It To Yourself At A Bus Stop is a post from: WeWriteFunny

Gradeschool Fail: Not An Aubergine

2010-02-17T06:14:03Z

Cute, But Not Aubergine

When the teacher let the kids dress up for class, Julie said she would “Come in dressed as an aubergine.”

Julie is doing poorly in school.Similar Posts:

Gradeschool Fail: Not An Aubergine is a post from: WeWriteFunny