WeWriteFunny

Pros and Cons of Dating a Cat Lady

2011-08-18T04:41:35Z

Every guy will probably date at least one Cat Lady in their lifetime. That’s a statistic I just completely made up, but it’s absolutely true. Sometimes ya just find out way too late that the girl you’ve been dating owns 10 cats. Sometimes she hides her hive of cats really well and you don’t realize you’re knee-deep in Cat Ladyness until it’s way too late. And sometimes you just like cats and eventually become overwhelmed. I submit that dating a Cat Lady aint all that bad yo, but just in case you’re on the fence, here are some pros and cons to consider before you decide to press onward or break up with the Cat Lady:

PROS

1) Cat Ladies can talk to animals (cats, usually)

If your Cat Lady girlfriend can talk to ALL animals, then this is very useful if you’re ever lost in the wilderness. However, if she can only talk to cats (which is usually the case), then this trick is utterly useless unless you’re lost in a pet store.

2) Cats can be used as transportation

The more cats the better when dating a cat lady. If she has 40 or 50 cats, then hop right on the furry little critters and have them carry you around town like a meowing magic carpet. Cats can usually climb walls and fly, so a cat carpet can be more efficient than a cab or even one of those flying chinchillas.

3) The Cat Lady and her cats might be nice enough to show you their cat kingdom deep below the earth’s crust

WARNING: Usually when they show you the underground cat kingdom, you’ll either be forbidden to leave or be sworn to secrecy. Personally, I can’t keep a secret, so usually I pass on the cat kingdom. But, hey, maybe living in furry darkness is your thing. Oh and you’ll also be expected to toil away in their kitty cat salt mines if you choose to stay underground.

4) Cats can be used as a food supply during an extreme emergency

Some cats are useless–any Cat Lady will tell you that. And thems good eat’n if a snow storm or earthquake makes food retrieval impossible. Don’t eat cats in front of the other cats…

5) Cat Jamboree!!!! WEEEEEEEEE

Quick! Pick up a banjo and play along! Dance with the cats! Dance, I say! Don’t just stand there! You’ll insult the cats! Cat Jamboree!! Weeeeeeee!!! (or WEEEEEEEEE, depending on the Jamboree).

CONS

1) Your Cat Lady girlfriend will probably attempt world domination at some point

What do you do with 100 cats, the ability to talk to cats and an insatiable appetite for the slavery of all mankind? You construct a volcano island secret base and try to take over the world. You’ll be expected to help out, of course. PFFFT, women. Sometimes they’re soooo annoying and just want you to play along…

2) Aw shoot there poo evewy where and cat poo is icky smelly sticks to your shoe aw shucks poo got in my mouf

Cat poo. Yyyeck.

3) Evil Cats are especially evil and nice cats are a little bit evil

Let me just say that I love cats. They’re awesome. But they’re evil. Shifty eyes. Creeping around everywhere. Petting their knife collection. Laughing a little too hard at the movie American Psycho. Posters of Dexter in their bedroom. Sooooooo evil. Evil. Cats. Short sentences are a weapon of the cats.

4) Your friends will eventually make fun of your Cat Lady girlfriend and your cat lady girlfriend will eat your friends

Just keep your friends away from your Cat Lady girlfriend for as long as possible. Unless you want a fat Cat Lady girlfriend lounging around your apartment with a smug grin.

5) Cat Ladies are actually a pile of highly-trained cats trained in the art of seduction, American English, sex, mathematics, and glue.

Don’t turn your back on a Cat Lady. It’ll be the furriest last decision you ever make.Similar Posts:

Pros and Cons of Dating a Cat Lady is a post from: WeWriteFunny

10 Newly Discovered Ghost Facts Uncovered by Lord Gulrich Standish III

2011-08-11T05:36:32Z

On January 17th 2011, a bored rich guy named Lord Gulrich Standish III led an expedition of 3 other rich guys and a mentally unstable poor guy to the unexplored region of Ghostopolis–a ghost community localized entirely inside of an abandoned amusement park. While shitting his money and time away, Lord Gulrich Standish III recorded over 400 pages of previously unknown facts about ghosts. His photos can bee scene here. The following are 10 of those facts and a brief journal entry from Lord Gulrich Standish III:

1) Ghosts dance until the sun comes up…or their shoes explode.

“I can think of nothing more spectacular than the sun coming up over the horizon, ghouls jiving like they’ve been set ablaze, and the screams of the freshly maimed ghosts echoing down the street…because their shoes have exploded and apparently ghosts feel pain.”

2) Ghosts drive inside out cars, but “inside out” in our terms translates to “upside down”, so in actuality, ghosts drive upside down cars that they wrongfully believe to be inside out.

“I shall never respect a ghost that casually and truthfully refers to his or her car as being “inside out”. It’s just not true. And I’ll fight any man, woman, or child who tries to tell me otherwise.”

3) Ghosts can count really fast when fast counting is needed.

“In one day alone, fast counting was needed 17 times, post haste, and I was surprised to find that ghosts were ready to count at extremely high speeds–much faster than the fastest living counter could ever hope to achieve.”

4) Ghost Saliva is delicious.

“It sometimes takes the help of two, maybe even THREE men, to hold down a ghost, but once you’ve dipped your fist into a ghost mouth, drawn out the rich saliva and slurped it from your palm, I can think of no greater taste on earth.”

5) Walking through walls is frowned upon–especially in front of the Royal Ghost Viceroy.

“The Royal Ghost Viceroy is not one for parlor tricks. On more than one occasion when I tried to glide through a wall (merely to show them I approved of their ghostlyness), the Viceroy smote me with a hickory cane.”

6) Ghosts reproduce by eating the live young of other ghosts

“It’s a common misconception that ghosts reproduce asexually. I’m proud to report that ghosts beget ghosts simply by unhinging their jaw and swallowing a ghost child whole. It takes anywhere from 3-5 weeks for a ghost child to fully be digested and turn into a new ghost child–who will probably be promptly eaten upon being born.”

7) Ghosts smell in six dimensions, but that just means that, to ghosts, objects only smell like either paint, burnt toast, or different colored crayons (usually Fuchsia, Aqua, and Indian Red)

“Ghosts are not a politically correct people, and it was a little jarring to learn that they hadn’t discontinued the use or “Indian Red” crayons. They claimed “Indian Red” referred to the redish pigment from India, but that’s just absurd.”

8 ) Ghosts don’t call themselves “ghosts”. They call themselves “ghosts”–pronounced go-hosts.

“They have a distinct and thick accent. It’s very difficult to pronounce “ghost” correctly in their language. I gave up after attempting the pronunciation a couple of times and ignored their disgusted looks.”

9) Ghosts only have four fingers, but they wear false fingers so they don’t accidentally scare the living with their de-fingered hands.

“Freaks. But their saliva tastes like milk from the teat of the gods, so I’ll let it slide.”

10) Ghosts always have tongues, although not all the time and rarely never.

“The rate of tongueless ghosts seemed to increase as my men and I mined more regularly for ghost saliva. Either we were yanking the tongues too hard or they have some sort of defense mechanism that causes their tongue to detach while their saliva is being removed.”Similar Posts:

10 Newly Discovered Ghost Facts Uncovered by Lord Gulrich Standish III is a post from: WeWriteFunny

How to Format Work Emails

2011-08-04T05:17:00Z

The business world is quite different from the everyday flim flam. There are unwritten rules to follow and that can make holding a steady job difficult because unwritten rules tend to be unwritten–meaning that you’re either not allowed to say them out loud or that they’re a spooky ghost. If you’re looking for a blog entry about spooky ghost rules for writing emails, go somewhere else. BUT, if you looking for the unspeakable rules about writing work emails, well, keep readering.

Subject Lines — be concise and lie your ass off

The business world is boring and the last thing a businessy person wants to do is read your stupid email. Even if you have some sort of fancy shmancy title like CEO or CFO or President of the United States or Murderer of People That Do Not Read My Fucking Emails. You need to fight their criminal indifference with a subject line that is quick, to the point, and sounds fucking awesome.

Examples:

I’m GIVING AWAY my court-side LAKERS TICKETS

JIM KEYED YOUR CAR–I KNOW WHERE HE LIVES

Do you think my wife’s BREASTS are HUGE? PICS INSIDE!!!

Once they’re inside your email–BAM–the first battle is complete. No matter what’s in your boring email, they HAVE TO READ THE ENTIRE THING. Because what if I missed the part about the Lakers tickets? What if I missed where that sonofabitch Jim lives? I’ll kill that asshole.

The Greeting — insult or threaten your reader

Dearest Joe, I would love for you to be my bestest friend and read these client reports and bla bla bla DELETE!!!! Hey Joe, So I reaaaally need you to check out these expense reports and bla bla bla DELETE DELETE DESTROY!!! Joe–By 5pm I need you to bla bla bla fuck you for not greeting me like an ADULT!!! DELETE!!! HATE!!

See? You need to grab a readers attention with some meat. Ya know, some big, tasty steak. And there’s nothing juicier than a lowbrow insult or a borderline illegal threat.

Examples:

HEY MORON — Not a bad insult, but it should get the job done. Put it in all caps so they can’t ignore it.

I crapped in one of your filing cabinets, Bob — Did you? Bob has no clue unless he reads your stupid email. And hell, maybe the clue is in the attached expense report. Sorry, Bob, you just got SAAAACKCKKKKKED

You’re an incompetent piece of shit and I recorded you having sex last night. Read this entire email and RESPOND TO IT or I will email the video around the office! — A super duper double whammy. Why am I a piece of shit? I better find out and–oh snap, you have video of me having sex?? No! NoooOOOooooooooooocrap I need to read this email AND the attached spreadsheet.

Body — make every other paragraph about aliens, zombies, or pirates

Like I already mentioned, business sucks. So break up the monotony with something interesting.

Examples:

1) Keller and Fisher have grown by 30% in the 2nd Quarter and are expected to continue their growth with investments in futures and bonds

Zombies are not scared of water and it’s very foolish to think that you can hide from them on a boat or even by just swimming in a large body of water. They will just walk or float out to you and eat your brains

2) It’s Kelly’s birthday on Friday and to celebrate we’re going to be having cake and ice cream in the conference room.

Aliens have ray guns that can disintegrate you or just burn you slightly–it’s really up to the alien and if he’s feeling particularly generous. You should not make aliens mad because they’ll shoot you with their ray gun.

3) Gang, we’re eating through copy paper. Remember, DO NOT print unless you absolutely need the documents you’re printing.

I had intercourse with a woman that had a wooden leg. She said Yarg when I dropped her off at her apartment.

Closing — either apologize profusely or burn the bridge with one final threat

At this point, your reader is well-informed and either scared or angry with you. This is your last chance to avoid getting fired. Make it count.

Examples:

I love you…seriously, I’ve always loved you and I will continue to love you.

I meant every word I said in this email and you better believe I’m going to be waiting for you in the parking lot after work.

Do you have a wooden leg? Let’s meet up at my place later. We can say Yarg together = )Similar Posts:

How to Format Work Emails is a post from: WeWriteFunny

Let’s Make a Cat Video

2011-06-02T08:02:54Z

Thank god someone made this. Agreed. Why do we even bother writing? We should have just been born cats.Similar Posts:

Let’s Make a Cat Video is a post from: WeWriteFunny

Funny for Friday #17: Commercial Parody

2011-05-15T20:53:34Z

Some nice parody work from Mike Diva. Because seriously, if each State Farm customer essentially had their own genie, you KNOW people would get greedy with that…

Vonnegut on Story Shapes

2011-05-12T17:44:53Z

I saw him do a version of this lecture in college. Entertaining, but also a remarkably useful touchstone on storytelling.

My main takeaway from having heard him speak was this maxim: “You have been put on this Earth… to fart around.”Similar Posts:

Vonnegut on Story Shapes is a post from: WeWriteFunny

Re-branding WeWriteFunny – Mistake or GENIUS???

2011-05-11T04:38:07Z

So here it is. The WeWriteFunny blog. Once-in-awhile products re-brand. Coca-cola had their success with New Coke, and why can’t we do the same?

At the next Brevity meeting I will be proposing the following….

WeWroteFunny.com
This really takes the writing pressure off! No need to bring anything funny. We sure did WROTE funny, din’t we, fellas? But we don’t have to do it no more. Thems the past.

WeWillHaveWrittenFunny.com
This helps me feel better about the writing I haven’t even done yet. It will be great, I promise, just as soon as I have done it! There is the potential of future funny, but only if ANOTHER action happens first! Which brings us to…

WeWillWriteFunny.com
This is the step necessary for WeWillHaveWrittenFunny.com to exist. It’s a pretty big hurdle though, because it involves actual writing, and, well, funniness and stuff. I’m freaking out!! I can’t do it!!

WeCouldWriteFunny.com
The conditional is SO nice! It relieves your stress of, you know, performing. It even suggests maybe it’s not that we can’t write funny, but that we don’t WANT to. Like, we *could*, if we FELT like it. But we don’t. Doesn’t mean we won’t suddenly write some HILARIOUS shit out of the blue. Don’t nap, or we COULD take you by surprise with chortling phatness of comedy.

WeAreWritingFunny.com
It’s happening. Right now. As we speak. We just can’t show you yet, cuz we’re not done. Oh shut up. Stop complaining. These will be *free* laughs. You can wait. You want ‘em sooner, ya gotta be a paying customer.

WeHaveWrittenFunny.com
It’s happened before, so it MAY happen again. It’s a proven fact that we have done it. Now we are resting on our very small laurels. Resting until the time comes when comedians are feted like feudal lords! Given wine, women, and song. Well, fuck it, I can do without the songs but just wine, women and even more wine and women! And some kielbassa.

YouWriteFunny.com
A blank page and blinking cursor. You wanna laugh? Then write something. C’mon. Make *yourself* laugh. Tell a joke. C’mon. Whatsamatter? Oh you want US to make YOU laugh! Lazy bastard. See? Comedy ain’t so easy.

WhoWritesFunny.com
An ad for writers to come join our evil brigade so that we may belch forth black, odious comedy sputum over the web land of people’s mindesses. Douche bags (not *you*, though if you thought I meant you, it says something about your self-image), fey goblins, sexual prancing. None of these have to do with comedy, but I enjoyed typing them.

***Bonus one I couldn’t fit into this post cuz I wasn’t a good enough writer, so I’m slapping at the end like meat on the outside of a sandwich:

WeScribedJocundly.anon (too hip. oldies won’t get it)

If you have great new re-branding ideas for WeWriteFunny.com, please find better things to do.