Eugene Uttley is dead. Long live Eugene Uttley.

At the very beginning of this year, I decided to undertake establishing a new web presence. Under my own name. Eugene Uttley, you see, is a pen name.

It has been humbling and gratifying and fun starting over, social media wise, as myself.

I began afresh on Twitter (with zero followers instead of Uttley’s 4k or whatevs).

I put together a new blog… another free WordPress site like this one at first and then, just recently, a self-hosted WordPress. Upgrading to a dot com has been a worthwhile move if only in sparing my readers from annoying advertisements. lol. Also I am now afforded access to new themes and plug-ins and stuff, which is all good fun. And have more control. I recommend this step to anyone. Upon considering what level of engagement I was interested in, as well as my budget, I went for this deal, in case you’re interested.

So why the big sea-change of ‘coming out’ as myself online?

The answer to that question involves why I put on the Uttley mask in the first place.

The reasons I became Uttley online and in publication are many and complex, I think I can fairly say, but these are the big two straightforward ones:

• To prevent current and future prospective employers from catching wind of my diagnosis and deciding (due to stigma) not to risk keeping me on or hiring me…
• To protect my family by keeping word of my mental illness from getting around on the grapevine of my small hometown…

Neither of these concerns has gone away. I’m still ‘in the closet’ about sz at work, and still worry that my employers might find a way to get rid of me if they knew. I’m still stressed about the impact on my family if word gets out around town that I have this disease.

This is why in my new online incarnation (i.e. my own name), I don’t talk about sz.

It’s kind of a sad development, don’t you think? After reinventing myself as something of a fierce fighter against stigma, I’m now silencing my warcry… essentially out of fear.

But hey, c’est la vie. I’ve taken my turn at the podium with the blaring activist bullhorn, and now, though the marches and rallies go on, I’m… not there.

Well, I guess I’m overstating the case. This website is still up and running after all, as is @uttleysz on Twitter. The books I wrote as Uttley (and as Arthur Thomas Morton) are out there in circulation. My whole anti-stigma ship is still under some steam, it’s just that I’m largely absent from its wheelhouse. I’m busy piloting a new vessel – the S.S. Word-Florilegium Dot Com.

Yeah, I’ve decided to go ahead and light a little signal fire here on WeeDitty, if only in this one message, which shows the way to my new location.  I reckon maybe, just maybe, there’s a small readership here made up of people who may care to come visit me there.

What’s the worst that can happen? Some malicious toad or mere misguided soul comes to my new blog and outs me as sz? That minimal fear in me is slaked by the common-sense knowledge that no toad would go to the trouble to do so, or even take the time to actually find and read this post. And as for the misguided soul, well, comments on my new blog have to be approved before they appear. Heh.

So by all means, if at all inclined, please do pop on over and see what I’m up to.

I’ll close by saying that I’m doing fairly well. Well. My life is no smashing success by most standards… in fact, it’s a hot mess by most people’s standards… but then, each of us kind of has to forge our own understanding of what success means, don’t we? I’m stable. Just that one word means successful to me.

I’m inexpressibly grateful for current mental stability. I wish it for you, too… for all. Meanwhile, for those experiencing less balmy mental and emotional weather, I have this (somewhat ironically) to offer: talking about it really does help. When we alienate and isolate, mental illness spirals in and down, feeding on itself. When we commune with fellow-sufferers and others who care, the spiraling slows, stops, even reverses.

Alrighty, I’m going to go. Thanks for reading. ‘Twould be good to see you ’round.

Peace,

Dan

Calm, composed, and intent

despite all manner

of diversion and distraction

I will be,

as – still within –

I navigate the hubbub

ever nearing my destination.

With candor and grace,

courtesy and compassion,

empathy and tolerance,

I shall endeavor to respect all,

stopping short only

of compromising my principles

or relinquishing my free will.

Knowing my own mind,

in my scruples secure,

discretely

I will assert my views

attentive ever to

and considerate ever of

others’ beliefs.

Focusing on my own fortunes,

my aspirations and progress theretoward,

by my own notions of success

I will proceed

mindful of others’ circumstances,

of differing goals and assessments

without undue juxtaposition.

Wary of treachery and deceit, but bearing in mind

the essential decency and admirable struggles

of most people,

I’ll go my course

striving to be genuine,

true to myself and authentic to others

and to age with some aplomb while cleaving to the light.

The same firm tenderness

which I wish

to show to all

I shall bestow upon myself,

recalling always

that accepting oneself and embracing life

make kindness to others come naturally.

In the face of misgivings regarding the ways of the world,

fully aware of inequity and egregious injustice,

opportunism and sheer villainy,

I will cultivate hope and even optimism

remembering the giants on whose shoulders I stand

and giving thanks to the higher power.

This prompt brings readily to mind three things for me to write about.  The first is the most obvious – resolutions for 2018. The second is the new monitor I have just set up. The third is a playful breakdown of the word into (re)solution, as in solving again…

My resolutions for 2018 include weening myself off of cigarettes, and exercising.

My new monitor… is ENORMOUS! No more hunching over the laptop squinting at its wee screen; I’m on to bigger and better viewing. Short story long, my father has in recent years upgraded to a smart TV, and the big flatscreen he formerly used has been languishing in his basement waiting for me to put it to good use, which I finally have done…

…which brings me to (re)solution.

What can it mean? To solve again?

It makes me think of the concept of ‘unlearning’, which I feel is powerful and important.

In the years since the onset of my disorder, one of the main constructs in regards to which I have had to unlearn and find (re)solution is ‘success’.

Growing up where I did and when I did, it was only natural for me to find instilled in me a definition of success which centered mainly on the material (i.e. money and possessions). High-paying job, nice car(s), big house, land, investments… these are success, right? Along with finding a mate, raising some children well, etc.

Well, if that’s success, then I’m NOT.

So, in order not to feel like a big failure, I have had to unlearn that construct and come up with a (re)solution of what it is to be a success. My new definition involves qualities like these:

• Respect
• Tolerance
• Empathy
• Compassion
• Kindness
• Sharing
• Courage

And according to this sort of rubric, I can smile and count myself a success.

I would love to hear about any (re)solutions you have made in your life.

All the best in 2018!

It’s not so arduous a task I set you to – merely to suspend your disbelief a moment for me.

Imagine, if you can, a man with the ability to manifest changes in reality merely by thinking.

Such a man might think a person into existence, or out of it, or a place, or an object, say a shoe.

It is important, so say I, to conceive of this shoe as real not only to him, but also to me or you.

Now tell me: does it fit?

ordinary doesn’t mean lackluster

this world, this time passing, how they sparkle and shine

birth and death are precious, as is the time in between

here we are, where we are, when we are and why
wish for more?
wish for more?

[inspired via Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie by “Ordinary World” — Green Day Ft. Miranda Lambert]

on the edge of the bed, head
in hands in red bra and black stretch pants

she’s in the bathroom with wet hands

she’s asleep in the tub

and she’s flailing at him
as she searches her closet frantically

and she’s dressed in his clothes
going berserk while serving guests

until finally the garden
the kiss and the shove

battling herself up the stairs

surrendering again to the floor

It’s the Meet and Greet weekend everyone!! Strap on your party shoes and join the fun! Ok so here are the rules: Leave a link to your page or post in the comments of this post. Reblog this post. It helps you, it helps me, it helps everyone! Edit your reblog post and […]

via Meet and Greet: 12/29/17 — Dream Big, Dream Often

The Diamond Grenade is free on Amazon for the next 5 days.

The International Day of Peace (“Peace Day”) is observed around the world each year on 21 September. Established in 1981 by unanimous United Nations resolution, Peace Day provides a globally shared date for all humanity to commit to Peace above all differences and to contribute to building a Culture of Peace.

A/RES/36/67
30 November 1981

International Year of Peace and International Day of Peace

The General Assembly,

Recalling that the promotion of peace, both at an international
and a national level, is among the main purposes of the United
Nations, in conformity with its Charter,

Reaffirming that, as set forth in the preamble of the Charter
of the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural
Organization, since wars begin in the minds of men, it is in the
minds of men that the defence of peace must be constructed, that a
peace based exclusively upon the political and economic arrangements
of Governments would not be a peace which could secure the
unanimous, lasting and sincere support of the peoples of the world,
and that the peace must therefore be founded, if it is not to fail,
upon the intellectual and moral solidarity of mankind,

[…]

Invites all Member States, organs and organizations of
the United Nations system, regional organizations, non-governmental
organizations, peoples and individuals to commemorate in an
appropriate manner the International Day of Peace, especially
through all means of education, and to co-operate with the United
Nations in the observance of that Day.