Weighing Me Down

Moving Forward

2009-03-12T02:00:13Z

I tackled another “Mountain to me” and no, I didn’t climb it or conquer it, but I did work out a managable solution for it. With all the water retention going on, I need to get on a regiment of my Furesomide and stick to it. Then we tackle the eating part of it, and it should all fall into place. But, one huge mountain standing in the way is, weighing. I “outgrew” our bathroom scales along time ago. Many many years ago. So. My options have been either the rec center, at the doctor’s office, or being in a weight loss program of some kind (like Dr. Tague, or TOPS, etc). When I had my sites set on weight loss, weighing at the rec center was an OK option.

But, having spiraled out control like I have, and I am in somewhat of a medical crisis, walking from my car to even just the elevator at the rec center (let alone considering taking the stairs) has become one of those mountains that … I could do … but not without some distressing going on. Going to the doctor’s office, even just to weigh is a shorter walking distance, but having to wait sometimes an hour just to be able to go back and just weigh … well, it again, can be done, but just seems to be a major obstacle.

So, I got in this mindset — can’t weigh — don’t know where I’m at, so don’t try. I didn’t have any way of measuring any kind of success (or failures for that matter, other than the way I feel, which gets worse and worse each day).

*Lightbulb moment. I won this money from PayU2Blog. Unless its several thousands of dollars, why not use that money to buy a scale that will weigh me, here at home. *duh. Check the internet. *Double duh*. I went on my search for a home scale with the intent that I would spend up to $500 if I needed to.

I found one. (actually, I found several). For $59. And it ships from Enid, OK.

Duh. Duh. Duh. WHY did I not think of this before. At $60, (even if it had been $165), I would have ordered one a long time ago.

It’s on its way. It’ll be here tomorrow. I feel like, despite some other things going on in my life, this has been a good week. I have made some goals, and made some headway. I have moved forward.

I saw the Nutritionist.
I started back on my Furosemide to deal with the water retention weight.
I ordered a scale.

It has to start somewhere, and I feel good about these steps I have made.

Filling In The Blanks

2008-10-02T18:46:06Z

I thought of something that I forgot to mention to the Nutriotionist. We talked about Dr. Trague, and being on his program. And I agreed with her about how restrictive it was, which it was. Because I was nervous, and my memory tends to fade on me sometimes, it wasn’t until I got home and was thinking about the apointment that I realized I should have told her when I went through his program the second time, that it wasn’t total supplements. That because of the Atrial Fib, he wouldn’t do total supplements. My regiment was 7 supplements, 8 oz of protein, 2 fruits, 1 cup of vegetables. I think that was it. There might have been something else to balance it all out (not including all of the vitamins and such that I had to take).

I ate alot of beef jerky and string cheese. Salads. Lean meat. Apples and bananas. She did reasure me that I’m not as picky as I think I am. I hope that is the case. I hope she can use what I do like and give me some easy to fix, easy to organize meals that get me going down a different path than what I’m on now.

Oh, I also need to tell her another one of my “likes” is grapes.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

2008-10-09T18:50:17Z

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: Nothing
*Circumstances didn’t allow us to be able to eat.

Snack:
1/2 a bag of Kettle Cooked potato chips
(later) 1/2 a tube of Sugar Cookie dough

Supper:
Where: Home but ordered in from Across the Borders
What: Salad (small to-go box size) — lettuce, tomatoes, peppers, cheese, ranch dressing
Chicken fried steak w/gravy
French fries
What I am feeling: First off, conquering the hungry. I was hungry, which is something I don’t feel very often. Secondly, to numb the feelings I was having, to take focus off the problem at hand, and make “why am I eating this” the focus of my day. Much easier to deal with.

NOT A Good Day

2008-10-03T14:13:55Z

I won’t go into details because its something I am not ready to talk about. But today was an extremely distressing day. I pretty much run on auto-pilot, and emotional eating kicked in full force. Combined with the fact that we didn’t get a chance to even eat anything until after 4:00, you can throw in true hunger. No breakfast. No lunch. Its no wonder I made poor choices.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

2008-10-09T18:50:44Z

Breakfast:
Nothing. Sonic ice throughout the morning

Lunch:
Where: La Hacienda
What: Nachos with Beef (bed of torilla chips, beef, onions, cheese sauce, on large plate). Water to drink
What I Am Thinking: Lunch with my husband. Our office is 10 miles out in the country, but he had to come into town, so we met for lunch instead of me bringing something out. I drank water because I don’t like diet Coke.

Supper:
Where: Home
What: Fried chicken breast from the deli at Hoovers. 1 cup of mashed potatoes, Diet A & W Root Beer
What I Am Thinking: Like most day, I didn’t feel like fixing supper. My feet hurt and tingle — more toward late afternoon and evening. My back tenses up and I can’t stand for more than a few minutes at a time, so it makes cooking a real challenge at times.

Dessert:
I very rarily eat dessert, esp. at home. But when Ethan picked up “supper”, he bought this cake thing as well. Triple fudge chocolate, or something like that. I told him “no” a couple of times when he asked me if I wanted a piece. But then I caved, and ate a slice. I told him it was ok for now, but when we got this show on the road, that he wasn’t to sabatoge me like that. I will admit I can get him to enable me when I want something that I know I shouldn’t eat. But, I never would have bought this, and I WAS reluctant to it. So, sure I get points for that. AND, I didn’t eat the whole thing. Just a moderate slice.

The Right Direction

2008-10-01T02:10:57Z

I meet with the Nutritionist today, which works out really well. I had already for one of my goals this week was to get back on my Furesomide. I can’t get around the billing at David’s office, but I can do the IFTA stuff from home, so I knew I had to do what I had to do work wise Monday and Tuesday. Tomorrow, I will go to the church and work as normal, taking the Furesomide bright and early before work. Instead of going out to David’s office though, I’m going to work at home on the IFTA stuff. Makes the trips to the bathroom much shorter and convenient. What I go through physically to get to the bathroom — up 5 steps, and then up 3 more (but there are deeper, and hard for me to get up) — and then across the house. … Yes, a couple times during the afternoon is OK. But, to run up there every 15 or 30 minutes. Its that proverbial mountain, and keeps me from taking the water pills like I should.

But, I am going to get myself back on them, and maybe by Monday, have it regulated where the extra water is off, the need to go isn’t quite so urgent or frequent.

Anyway, meeting with the Nutritionist today worked out really well because meeting with her later this week, I would have either nixed my plans of taking the water pills, or spent more time running to the bathroom than going over my information and history and such.

The appointment went well. I’m encouraged. We went over my weight history. We discussed a typical day of eating. We then listed out my likes and dislikes. Hey! I like more than what I thought I did. This just might be doable written out in a balanced way. I don’t doubt, for a moment, that its going to be easy. But, I don’t think its going to be as difficult and overwhelming as I have built it up to be. I just need some guidance and direction.

I think we are headed in the right direction.

All For A Reason

2008-09-30T19:11:11Z

Ethan is writing a paper on procrastination for school. I told him that he comes by it naturally. It seems like I am procrastinating the different things I need to be doing with getting everything in order for my possible lapband surgery. And yet, the thought occures to me that everything happens for a reason, and I believe this to be one of those times.

I had called Dr. B several weeks ago about being refered to a nutritionist. Several weeks went by and I heard nothing, from either one of them. And, I procrasinated about calling to follow up. As each day went by, I couldn’t help but think “oh yeah, this is going to look real good on a psyche evaluation” . If I am reluctant to make a follow up call, doesn’t that somewhat say I am not all “gung-ho” about having the surgery. If I can’t put the effort into making a phone call, then where is the effort to make the lifestyle changes I will need to make going to come from.

So. Last week, I called again. And, tonight, I got a call from the Nutritionist. Whoo hoo! But. Here’s why I think things happen for a reason. What spurred me on to call last week was a good thing, and didn’t even have anything to do with weight loss or food or nutrition. I won $500 for a video I had submitted to PayU2Blog, — for a contest they were running: “Why I Love Blogging”.

Between that $500 and the $225 payday I had with them the same day … I’m seeing $$$$ signs. What to spend it on. What to spend it on.

My first impulse was the purple laptop that I’ve wanted forever. But. David just bought a laptop for him last weekend, passing his laptop then on to Ethan. If he hadn’t done that, then that is what I would have done. Bought the purple computer, and my current laptop would become Ethan’s. I can’t justify having 2 laptops, purple or not. So. Not that.

Vehicle. The wheels started turning that I could put a few more PU2B paydays together, and have a nice little downpayment for another vehicle. Trade mine in — not buy a “new” one, but like a 2003, 2004 one. New to me.

And then “being practical” kicked in. LapBand surgery is still very much an option. Yes, maybe we can get it financed. But, how about having a couple thousand dollars already saved by the time we were ready for surgery.

These thoughts, these “maybe” goals … kicked the “I want to do this” mode back into place. I’m thinking I was feeling overwhelmed, buried under the doubts of “how are we going to pay for it”, “will I really make it work?”, etc. Having the sudden extra money has sparked that “I Can Do It” thing in me, and it was then I made the phone call to follow up and get a phone call. I got the phone call so I am ready to step into this part of my venture, and I am mentally fired up and ready to go. Winning the $500 did more for me emotionally than it did physically. Like I said … all for a reason.

Putting The Pieces Together

2008-08-24T18:33:08Z

Two main things I go out of the consultation that helped me to decide that I would pursue the LapBand procedure was this… 1) she has worked with people who are even heavier than I am and they have lost more than the predicted 50% of the excess weight. What was discouraging to me was everything I read said you could expect to lose 50-60%. Thats all fine and dandy, except it still doesn’t put me at what I would like to be my ideal weight. Actually, far from it. But, she reassured me at our consultation appointment that over 3 - 4, if I continued to what needed to be done, the goal could be achieved.

Which brought us to the 2nd reason for my decision. I need to find a nutrionist, and have them help me map out my life’s eating plan — based on what I will and won’t eat. Dr. B encouraged me by saying that sometimes, those picky eaters who will only eat 3 or 4 different things are more successful because they can endure the routine of eating the same thing, over and over. I just have the find the right 3 and 4 things. Basically, there isn’t anything I won’t be able to eat with the LapBand — its just a matter of finding what I WILL eat that has 1200 calories.

Which brings David’s point to light — if I can eat 1200 calories and lose weight with the LapBand, why not do it without spending the $12,000? And he’s right. And millions of people do it every day, with Weight Watchers and TOPS and all those other weight loss programs. But, obviously, I have tried them and not succeeded. What the LapBand does is makes the area where the “hunger sensors” are in your stomach become a much smaller area. So, instead of having to fill a fist sized area before it sends to the brain a “You are full” message — the LapBand has creates a much much smaller space. Its just a tool. Its still up to me to make the right choices. Although — if I make the wrong choices, I can and most probably will throw up. So, that is an incentative to do what needs to be done, the right way

Another phone call I need to make is to have a pysche evalutation done. That is one of the requirements before having surgery. Its not a bad idea, and perhaps can shed some light on what I do and why I do it. The key thing here is you have to pass the evaluation. The person you see has to be convinced that you are motivated enough to make the changes needed to make the longterm outcome of the surgery successful. If you think the surgery is a quick fix and is the answer to all your weight problems, then you probably won’t pass.

I feel like I am putting the cart before the horse by doing all these things before having a surgery date. But, each one of these things, if they can’t be done, for one reason or another, then surgery is out. So, I am trying to see it as … I have a goal (surgery), but step 1(finances), step 2 (nutrionist), step 3 (physche eval) all must be in place and with a positive outcome before proceeding to step 4 - setting a surgery date.

Make sense? It does to me. They all fit together like a jigsaw puzzle, and the picture won’t be complete until each piece is in place.

Improving The State I’m In

2008-08-24T18:34:50Z

After viewing 3 informative videos, researching, and meeting with the doctor would be my surgeon, I do believe we have come to a decision. In a perfect world, where money was no object, we would probably go with the RYN. But. I have to be realistic here. $30,000 is alot of money. For anyone. I can’t bring myself to put us in that kind of debt. For any reason.

$12,000 is alot of money as well. But its also more realistic and obtainable. For one, the Lapband that we discussed does have a financing company they work with. That is step #1. If that doesn’t work, we do have a Plan B. It would take a bit longer, but thats OK. We just made the last payment on our camper. Now, instead of making payments to the bank, David is going to start making payments to a savings account. And I am going to start adding my paid blogging money into that account as well. It will take longer to do it this way, but its not a goal I’m giving up on.

Just deciding which procedure to do has given me more focus and motivation to move ahead. To stop living in limbo and do something about it. I’m tired of scraping bottom, and thats where I am. I feel like I am about 2 steps away from being housebound. The J.O.B.s are the only things keeping me from being there.

But, its not a place I want to be. Making a decision has mentally turned things around, even though they are just small things. I started taking my Fluoresimide again (translation: water pill). I know the signs. I’m in distress again, and to feel better, I have to get all this fluid off. To get all the fluid off, I have to pee, pee, pee. I have the “tools” to do it — medication designed to do exactly that. I stopped taking it because it was a catch 22. I do OK at home running to the bathroom. And I do OK at the church in the morning, when I work during the week. But. Running to the bathroom at the my afternoon job takes a bit more effort. Up steps, across the house. I can’t breath. So, I let one day of not taking them turn into 2, then 3 …and well, its probably been a month since I last took them. So, I’m starting over. At the lower dosage. And I vow to take them every day.

That, in itself will improve the state I’m in.

The next step is to call a Nutrionist.

Beginning Again

2008-06-27T16:49:31Z

Even though I don’t know what lies ahead of me specifically, I do know that the process won’t be as easy as saying “OK, let’s do it”, and next week I’m having it done. Based on talking others, as well as Dr. B, there are appointments, meetings, counseling, and other things involved in this. Which makes sense. Bottom line is, even though its a very physical thing, what got me here in the first place place is an emotional and mental thing. Until those things are examined and changed, no surgery in the world will help. I see myself becoming my aunt, who had numerous — NUMEROUS — health issues. I don’t want to live like she did, dependent on others. Always in one health crisis or another.

For the longest time, I have viewed WLS as a way to lose weight. And, I have always no considered it an option because surely there is something else, not quite so drastic, that I could be successful at. When the doors of consideration opened — it was because of the health factors. Yes, being thin would be nice. I would love to not be like I am now. But, it was the reversing the health issues I now have that made me decided that this was an option I needed to consider.

Joshua 1:9: Don’t tremble or be terrified, because the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

I am putting my faith, and all my fears, in God’s hands right now. I don’t think it was by accident that the Cardiology appointment was right on the heels of the doctor’s appointment when I discovered I could add diabetes to my list of health issues. I don’t think it was by accident that this verse caught my eye at the moment it did.

Once I got beyond the “weight loss” of the surgery, and realized it could be a “health improvement” surgery, then, and only then, did I allow myself to consider this option. The doors are open now. Its time for me to step through and begin a whole new life.