{via etsy by photographybykarina}

Our society is used to viewing diets as no big deal. If you need to lose a few pounds – or more – you just get on a diet, and restrict what you eat, count your calories, sip on a shake or swear off sugar.

We think that dieting will solely affect just one area of our lives: eating.

But dieting actually affects your entire life. It stops you from being fully present, and keeps you preoccupied, ashamed and oppressed – among other things.

In the Diet Survivors Group newsletter I receive from eating disorder experts Judith Matz and Ellen Frankel, Matz laid out just some of the key differences between dieting and attuned eating (i.e., not dieting).

(If you recall, I’ve interviewed both Matz and Frankel many times before. They’re authors of the powerful must-read Diet Survivors Handbook: 60 Lessons in Eating, Acceptance and Self-Care.)

Even though I’m very familiar with the cons of dieting, her chart still surprised me. And I think it’ll be an eye-opener for you, too.

I wanted to dig a bit deeper into some of these differences, so I recently spoke with Matz over the phone. And here’s what she told me:

Shame vs. Compassion

“The diet mentality is based on shame,” Matz said. It always implies that there’s “something shameful, defective or wrong about your body.” That’s why we diet in the first place, right? To fix whatever is supposedly flawed.

But “because diets don’t work, there are so many places for shame,” she said. For instance, when you eat something that’s off your diet plan, you feel shame that you don’t have more willpower or control over your eating, she said. Then when the weight comes back, so does the shame.

In fact, according to Matz, shame is the “most insidious part of the diet mentality that gets internalized in your psyche.”

Compassion is the complete opposite. There’s no blame and no thoughts of fault. It’s the idea that you’re doing the best you can.

“If you find yourself emotionally overeating, instead of yelling at yourself – a shame-based response – you might say, ‘I’m reaching for food and I’m not hungry, something might be bothering me right now,’” Matz said.

If you’re talking about your body, instead of saying, “My stomach is so fat, it’s disgusting,” you might say, “This is just the way my stomach looks. It’s the result of giving birth to my two beautiful children.”

Or instead of saying, “How did you let yourself go?” you might say, “My weight is the result of various factors, including genetics and yo-yo dieting.”

Shame backfires anyway. Did you know that shame is a trigger for overeating?

“If you’re shaming yourself and overeating, you feel anxious [which leads] you to eat more.” Cultivating self-compassion can help. “Just ending the yelling will slow down the overeating.”

Judgment vs. Acceptance

The diet mentality encourages us to judge ourselves, especially when we eat something we’re not supposed to.

How often have you said – or heard someone say – “I’m so bad for having a piece of cake” or “I have to be good today, since I had pasta yesterday”?

How often have you thought, “I overate, so I need to make up for it” or “I need to exercise tomorrow or not eat any more tonight”? Judgment leads to punishment.

In other words, because you disobeyed the dieting rules, you deserve to be punished…punished either through cutting your calories even more or working out harder or longer.

But acceptance in attuned eating means that there’s room for all types of food, Matz said. It also means that when you overeat, you note that you’re uncomfortable and use it as information, as an opportunity to understand what you need.

You might say, “I’m going to be more mindful and pay attention to how my body is feeling,” or “I need to find other healthier ways to connect in the world,” Matz said.

Acceptance helps you move forward; judgment keeps you stagnant and miserable.

“Judgment is based on perfection.” It’s black and white, whereas acceptance allows for mistakes and curiosity, she said.

Shame and judgment — or compassion and acceptance — inevitably spill over into other areas of your life. Shame and judgment — and the endless pursuit for supposed perfection — keep you steeped in negativity, unable to bask in life; compassion, curiosity, flexibility and acceptance lift you up to pursue your passions, help others and enjoy the everyday.

–

Stay tuned tomorrow for part two, where Matz talks about oppression versus freedom and having control versus being in charge. 

What do you think about these differences? Are you surprised? 

{via Flickr by Yvestown}

Hey guys! Today is an American holiday, so I thought it’d be fun to post an oldie (which hopefully you think is a goodie!) from the archives. I hope you find it helpful!

Update: By the way, please check out this super short post from Psych Central’s founder John Grohol. As someone who’s an immigrant — now happily a US citizen — I’m incredibly grateful to the men and women who’ve fought and continue to fight for our freedom. In fact, some of my family members survived because of American soldiers during WWII. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Recently I’ve decided to create an inspiration board to fuel, motivate and enliven my writing. When I’m having a tough time finding ideas or it’s been a rough day, I can turn to my inspiration board for comfort, a creativity boost and essentially a visual reminder of what’s important.

Many professionals use inspiration boards regularly, including interior decorators, fashion designers and wedding planners. Moms use them, too, for daily inspiration.

So I was thinking, why not do the same to improve your body image?

Call it your very own body image inspiration board, which will help inspire, empower and boost your image.

For many of us, our size and self-worth are intertwined. Or our size may affect our daily life. We may count calories, diet, engage in fat talk and just have crappy days in general. We may stop taking care of ourselves because we think that we don’t deserve it.

An inspiration board can serve as your reminder of what’s important in your life; it can be your cheerleader. It can be there to remind you that you deserve to take good care of yourself.

Here are some suggestions for what to put on your board:

1. Inspiring quotes. Do you have a few favorite quotes? Put them on your board. If you’re a religious person, you may consider including a passage from your holy book. You can also search through your favorite books or on the Internet. I’m a big fan of Twitter (follow me at Weightlessblog). One of the great things about Twitter is the continuous inspiration. Many people post inspiring and thought-provoking quotes and tweets. A good quote can really challenge your thinking, put things into perspective and even motivate change. Below, I’ve rounded up just a few of the countless inspiring  tweets I read every day:

There is inside of you all the strength, courage and love you need to be happy and fulfilled. - JulesyParker

BODY-SANITY TIP: How much free space would you have if you stopped being negative and/or obsessing about your body for a day? - HlthyGrl

Dieting is to overeating what caffeine is to chronic insomnia. - EatWhatYouLove

And a few wonderful quotes by the greats:

If I’m going to sing like someone else, then I don’t need to sing at all. – Bille Holiday

Never bend your head. Hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye. – Helen  Keller

Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are your own fears. – Rudyard Kipling

For more inspirational quotes, see here.

2. Positive thoughts. Last week we talked about how to change your negative self-talk. A great thing to put on your inspiration board is whatever encouraging thought or thoughts you’ve chosen to replace the negativity. You might write on your board “I am beautiful just as I am”; “I’m a good person, wife, mom and friend”; “I have a huge heart, and I love that about myself.”

3. What you can do. Think about all the amazing things that your body does for you day in and day out. And write a few lines about it. “My body is powerful; it lets me run, hike, walk, hug my loved ones, pick up my kids, listen to music, cook a delicious meal, smile and laugh.” Find the beauty in all the things you can do because of your body.

4. Photos. Find photos that inspire you to have a healthier body image. Maybe these are photos of you and your family and friends. Maybe these are your graduation photos or photos of when you were a child having a great, stress-free time. Maybe these are photos of you in a marathon, giving a presentation at a conference, cooking for the holidays or planting flowers. Or photos of you and your significant other, of you and your own kids. Find images that illustrate and inspire your passion, goals and accomplishments.

Basically, put up any photos that make you happy, that make you think of the bigger picture. For instance, one of the reasons you might be working on your body image is because you’d like to model a positive one for your kids. With their photos on your board, you have some great visual inspiration. Your own childhood photo can show you that you can be happy without worrying about your weight. You once felt free, and you can get to that place again.

5. Accolades/anything positive. Therese Borchard, who writes one of my favorite blogs, Beyond Blue, keeps a self-esteem file with anything she’s ever received that was positive. Do the same with your inspiration board. Gather up all the good stuff you’ve ever gotten – birthday cards, notes, kind emails, compliments, medals – and tack your favorites on your inspiration board (put the leftovers into your own self-esteem file).

For instance, I’ve received some wonderful emails and comments on Weightless (which I appreciate so much!). When I’m having a terrible day, what an inspiring thing to see to remind myself that I may be helping, even one person.

Here’s how to get started, according to Therese:

E-mail or call four of your closest friends. Say this: “As you may or may not be aware of, I need some affirmations. Lots of them. Because there is a voice inside of me that is constantly telling me that I am a worthless piece of animal waste. I’d like to believe otherwise. That’s where your job comes in. Could you PLEASE list ten positive qualities about me? Why are you my friend? (If you are extremely wealthy or famous, skip that one) Why do you return my calls? (If they don’t, skip that one) What would you say at my funeral (but reassure them that you have no plans of dying right now)? You see, I am starting a self-esteem file, and I’d love for your positive words to be among the first (of the millions of letters that will follow). If you have any. Which I’m sure you must. Right? THANKS SO MUCH.”

6. Hobbies. Do you love to run, sew, read, draw, dance, go to the theater, garden or volunteer? What drives you? What are you passionate about? Think about incorporating your hobbies into your board. This is another great way to put life into perspective and focus on what you love.

7. Your life mission statement. Without meaning and purpose in our lives, we’re more likely to have a poor body image.  A few months back, we talked about creating a life mission statement (inspired by Therese’s blog), one sentence that answers “do what; to whom; and in what ways?” Include that statement, big and bold, on your board.

8. Happiness. What makes you smile? What sorts of images and items make you happy? Maybe visualizing yourself at the beach is your sanctuary, something that signifies your peaceful place. Then find a beautiful beach scene. Do the same with the mountains or a snowy landscape, if that symbolizes a stress-free zone. You might also include something a loved one gave you that has a lot of meaning for you (if it’s a piece of jewelry, for instance, just put up a photo of it). Basically, think about what makes you smile and tack it on. Flickr has some nice visual inspiration.

Be sure to display your board in plain sight. You could even make a mini version for work. And, if you have kids, get them involved, as well. They can create feel-good inspiration boards for themselves, too. Basically, the key is to have fun with this and gather up anything that inspires and empowers you. Put on some music and get your creative juices flowing.

What will you put on your inspiration board?

{via etsy by Kico}

Yesterday I talked about Susan Albers’s book Eating Mindfully: How to End Mindless Eating & Enjoy a Balanced Relationship with Food and featured her valuable idea of committing to a “mindful eating contract.”

This got me thinking about what a body image contract might look like, too.

While I think it’s important to be flexible and curious, I do think spelling out what a positive body image means to you is important.

So, today, I’m including some guidelines for a contract — to remind me and you about our priorities and really what we stand for. (I’ll be using Albers’s same format of “I agree…”)

I agree to engage in exercise that makes me happy.

I agree to nourish myself when I’m hungry.

I agree to acknowledge that building a positive body image is a process. There are good days and bad. But I won’t judge myself during the dark ones.

I agree to surround myself with supportive and positive people.

I agree to remove anything from my home that doesn’t make me feel good, including certain magazines and diet books.

I agree to wear clothes that make me feel good.

I agree not to blame myself when something doesn’t fit. (I don’t need to fit the clothes; the clothes need to fit me.)

I agree to have more fun, whatever that means to me.

I agree to pamper myself once in a while, which could mean getting a manicure, pedicure or massage or something else entirely.

I agree to take the time to think about my boundaries.

I agree to try to preserve those boundaries.

I agree to treasure myself.

I agree to avoid body bashing and dig deeper if I realize that I can’t stop.

I agree to thank my body for all the amazing things it does for me.

I agree to remember that real women aren’t just curvy or thin or muscular. Real women come in all shapes and sizes.

I agree to pursue my passions or learn more about them.

I agree to take the focus away from weight when I work out and focus on how I feel.

I agree to turn to healthy coping strategies when I’m feeling anxious, overwhelmed or upset.

I agree to reach out for help when I need it.

I agree to work toward accepting and loving myself, if I don’t just yet.

–

I know this is sort of a long list. But I just wanted to give you some ideas to run with when creating your own contract. So if this seems overwhelming, then consider the top five statements that would make up your agreement.

What will your body image contract say?

“The dieting lifestyle is akin to taking a knife and cutting the connection that is your body’s only line of communication with your head,” writes clinical psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, in her book Eating Mindfully: How to End Mindless Eating & Enjoy a Balanced Relationship with Food. 

In other words, “Diets can inhibit your ability to accurately decode your body’s messages and feedback,” she says. (Like your hunger and satiety signals.) Diets are also detrimental to our emotional, mental and physical well-being, she says.

But even if you know that dieting is destructive, giving it up, especially in a culture that extols and advertises restriction, can be really hard.

As Albers says below, it can feel uncomfortable, scary and even wrong. (Again, especially, when you have the media screaming or whispering in your ear that dieting is oh-so right.)

But you can let go. Fortunately, there are many practical resources that help you dismantle the diet mentality, one damaging thought or action at a time. 

In her book Albers features two powerful activities for ditching dieting. One is committing to a “mindful eating contract.” Here, she outlines the basic principles of mindful eating and helps you reject the diet mentality.

She suggests readers copy the contract and personalize it to your own struggles. Then sign the contract, and put it somewhere visible in your home.

Of course, the contract isn’t set in stone. Albers says that you can revise it at any time.

Either way, it’s so important to see these kinds of principles laid out. All of us can use this reminder on a regular basis — especially when the diet mentality sneaks in.

Mindful Eating Contract

I agree to eat mindfully. I will eat with diligent thought from this point forward.

I agree to change my attitude toward eating and completely, on a full-time basis. I understand that diets don’t work.

I agree to think about what I eat from moment to moment.

I agree to consider each bite on multiple levels by taking into account the taste, texture, quality, bodily reaction, and sensations I experience when I eat.

I agree to eliminate my diet mentality. I will do this by rejecting dieting advice and books, and by becoming nonjudgmental of myself.

I agree to be nonjudgmental of other people’s eating habits, weight and body shape.

I agree to have compassion for myself.

I agree to be mindful of my speech. I will eliminate terms like “restricted” or “forbidden” from my vocabulary…

…

I agree to accept myself and my body as they are.

I agree to be aware of the unique eating challenges I face.

I agree to accept how uncomfortable, scary and wrong it feels to let go of dieting.

Engaging in a Symbolic Act

In the second exercise Albers suggests letting go of dieting by participating in a symbolic act. (Feel free to get creative with this, too.)

For instance, she tells the story of a woman who composed a letter to herself about her destructive dieting thoughts and behaviors. Then she folded the letter into a boat and brought it to the lake, where she pushed it in the water. From then on any time she started leaning toward the diet mentality, she visualized her hand pushing the boat.

Albers concludes by saying, “Create your own symbolic act to recall during the moments that challenge your ability to let go of your desire to diet. Throw away your diet books, give away your diet food, put a piece of tape over the numbers on the scale — whatever it takes.”

What do you think about the mindful eating contract? What’s a symbolic action you can take to ditch dieting? 

{via etsy by Emily Reiter}

Lately, in addition to going to Pilates classes at my gym, I’ve been doing cardio kickboxing and TRX, which are pretty intense (and very fun). They get my heart rate up, and I can feel the negative energy, thoughts and ruminations just ooze out of me.

For me, exercise is also a great myth-buster. That’s because ever since I was little, my automatic assumption has been that I’m weak and can’t do A, B or X.

With a few exceptions, I’m not sure that I’ve really ever thought to myself, “Oh, yea, I can totally do this.” It’s been more like a hestitant, “Umm, OK, I’ll give a try, but don’t expect something spectacular.”

But when I exercise, I feel strong and capable.

Exercise challenges my own self-destructive assumptions and helps me see myself in a different, even more accurate, light.

But I’ve realized that adding these classes to my weekly routine has also left my body a bit more sore and tired. (Case in point: Last night I fell asleep at 10:30 p.m., and slept for nine hours straight!)

If this had been my college years I would’ve ignored my body, told myself to suck it up and exercised through the exhaustion.

I would’ve woken up before sunrise to run to the one-room gym at my apartment complex, get on the elliptical, and pretend that I actually liked what I was doing. (In reality, it was a frantic attempt to be thin and fit in.)

But today not only do I engage in exercise that makes me happy, but I take breaks. I no longer treat my body as an accessory, afterthought or annoyance. I don’t treat its cues as meaningless murmurs to shoo away.

In essence, I’ve become a better listener.

Listening to our bodies is a pivotal part of practicing self-care, building a more positive body image and supporting our physical health. That’s why, today, I wanted to share several suggestions for sharpening your listening skills.

I know the below tips might seem like common sense, and in a way, they are. But I think we can all use a reminder once in a while. And, if you like structure as much as I do, it can help to see a few steps spelled out.

Pay attention, and check in with yourself.  Start consciously paying more attention to your body. For instance, you might ask yourself how you’re feeling every hour. I’m in the midst of writing an article on managing ADHD, and one of the experts, Stephanie Sarkis, recommended that readers simply ask themselves whether they’re thirsty, hungry or tired throughout the day. Do the same by also zeroing in on your muscles. Consider if you’re sore, tense or even in pain.

Use your five senses to pay better attention to yourself in general. Listen for the sounds of a grumbling stomach. Look at your body to see if you’ve developed any bruises or new moles. Really taste your food to see if you even like it.

Accept it. I know that it’s upsetting, for instance, when you want to do something but your body doesn’t seem to be cooperating. If there’s a day that I really want to work out but I’m super tired, I get cranky. Or if I can’t finish a certain exercise, I feel a wave of disappointment wash over me.

But then I remember that this isn’t some battle or attack. It just is what it is. Denying your hunger or getting angry at your exhaustion only clouds your mind and heightens your negative feelings — and it might prevent you from responding to your needs.

Acceptance helps you move on and figure out what you need. Denial and anger keep you locked in a cycle of negativity (thoughts and actions).

Determine what you need and act on it. For instance, if you feel the early rumbles of hunger, grab a snack (or meal). If your body is especially sore, skip your intense workout (like I did this morning), and do something gentle, such as stretching or taking a walk, or just rest. If you notice a weird mole on your body, schedule an appointment with a dermatologist.

Listening to your body isn’t always easy or straightforward. And sometimes it can feel like an art form. But remember that listening is a process, and some days, you miss your own cues. Other days, you don’t.

And don’t forget, too, that you deserve to listen and honor your body.

How do you listen to your body? 

Every Monday features a tip, activity, inspiring quote or some other tidbit that helps boost your body image, whether directly or indirectly — and hopefully kick-starts the week on a positive note!

Got a tip for improving body image? Email me at mtartakovsky at gmail dot com, and I’ll be happy to feature it. I’d love to hear from you!

{via etsy by Louise Mead}

I’ve written before about the power of mantras in boosting our body image. But I wanted to revisit the topic after Sally from Already Pretty wrote this amazing post on using realistic mantras.

A mantra is simply a repeated syllable, word or phrase, which creates a positive transformation within a person.

In her post Sally talks about initially being a mantra doubter. I’m sure many of us can relate to that. Mantras just seem so abstract, maybe even inaccessible. And the idea of repeating a phrase to yourself might seem odd, too.

But when Sally “hit a wall in [her] own body image work,” she decided to give mantras another try — and found them to be really helpful.

She believes that effective mantras have a few key ingredients. ”For doubters like me, I think mantras must be kept simple, positive, and universal,” she writes.

She also stresses the importance of saying your mantra out loud. She writes, “Saying something out loud gives it a power that reciting it internally seldom can.”

I love the sample mantras she shares in her post.

• Thank you, body, for all that you do.
• I am strong, I am good.
• When I see myself, I see beauty.
• My body is sacred.
• I am powerful and strong.
• My beauty is my own.
• I love who I am, body and soul.

All of these mantras are empowering, and they go beyond liking specific body parts or even your appearance in general.

Rather, these mantras, even the ones that mention beauty, speak to ourselves as people, as unique and worthy individuals deserving of appreciation and respect.

That’s why I think mantras are important. These quick and simple reminders break the cycle of our negative self-talk, of the false stories from our inner critic.

The more we speak these mantras, the more we’re likely to breathe them in and genuinely believe them — which leads to a more positive self-image overall.

If you’d like, consider writing your favorite mantras on index cards. (You can pick from Sally’s examples or create your own or both.)

Put them around the house, in your office, in your purse. Sometimes, when we’re immersed in negativity, we simply forget that there’s another way, and visual reminders can serve as our all-important hints.

Reader Tip

Speaking of mantras, here’s a related suggestion from reader Julia who writes the blog Feed Me Daily. Thank you, Julia, for  a great tip!

Every time I brush my teeth, I say to myself “I am more than your reflection.” Tying in the affirmation with a (hoepfully) twice daily routine has been a good way for me to start the brain rewiring and it helps me to remember to be thankful for and pay attention to the parts of me which ARE important (humor, creativity, etc.).

What are your thoughts on mantras? Which ones speak to you?

When we’re dissatisfied with our bodies, that seems to be the only thing we can focus on. It’s like we take out our magnifying glass, poring over and spotlighting all of our supposed “flaws.” Our lives may even start to revolve around the dissatisfaction.

Soon, we go from being kind, hardworking, smart and caring people to being the woman with the wide hips or the huge thighs or the big belly.

Our minds start to spin a web of false stories, moving us away from being whole to consisting of a few flaws or to doubting our other qualities. We reduce ourselves and no accomplishment or quality is good enough until we lose weight or until we get more muscular or fix whatever flaw we’ve decided we have.

In essence, in fixating on our supposed physical shortcomings, we forget about our other wonderful qualities, accomplishments and gifts.

Fortunately, we can change our perspective a little bit every day. We can slowly chip away at the negativity and narrow-mindedness.

One way to do that is by giving yourself credit for your accomplishments and efforts on a regular basis. This tip comes from the book Think Confident, Be Confident by Leslie Sokol, PhD, and Marci G. Fox book, PhD.

I love what the authors say about giving yourself credit, because I think so many of us fall into the comparison trap — whether we compare ourselves to others or to our “ideal” self.

As they write: “Give yourself the credit you deserve to build confidence and continue to squash doubt. It’s time to stop minimizing your accomplishments, telling yourself that anyone could have done it or that it was no big deal. When you look at what you do, don’t make comparisons with your ideal or what you think is best; don’t compare yourself with what you think other people can do. It is important to give yourself credit for the effort and not the outcome…Giving yourself credit means recognizing your effort as well as your accomplishments.”

So they suggest readers write down at least five things you can give yourself credit for each day.

Your efforts and accomplishments can be anything from cooking dinner for your family to writing a sweet thank-you note to a friend to cracking a joke that lifted someone’s spirits to working hard at work to giving yourself a compliment to not bashing your body to using a healthy strategy for processing emotions or coping with stress. Anything goes. And everything counts.

If you have kids, have them do this activity, too. You can even chat about it at the dinner table. Or talk this over with your friends or family. Or create your list as you’re enjoying a cup of tea in the evening. It’s a valuable but simple activity that goes a long way.

What’s one thing you can give yourself credit for today? Please share! 

–

P.S., I received an email from Ellen Albertson, a graduate student who’s working on her dissertation. She needs participants for her study and asked if I’d be willing to share her info. So here are the details for anyone who’s interested:

Meditate & Feel Better About Your Body & Yourself

You are invited to participate in an anonymous research study looking at the benefits of meditation on women’s health. This study is conducted by Ellen Albertson, MS, MA, RD, Department of Media Psychology at Fielding Graduate University. If you agree to participate you can expect to:

• Answer questions at the start and end of the study online that ask about your background, thoughts, emotions, and eating behaviors. It is expected that each set of questions will take you about 20-30 minutes to complete.
• Receive free meditation podcasts that lasts approximately 20 minutes. You will be asked to listen to them once a day for three weeks.
• At the end of the study you will be provided with an email address to enter a lottery for a chance to win 1 of 5 gift cards (one $100 gift card and four $25 gift cards). Participation in the lottery is optional.

To participate please visit: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/meditationwomenshealth

When you’re eating away your emotions and you start feeling the heaviness of shame, the last thing you probably want to do is connect to your self-compassion. The last thing you probably want to do is be kinder to yourself or comfort yourself.

When I’d stuff my feelings with food, I felt confused, out of control, embarrassed and alone. And it’s funny that it’s in those very moments that I needed to crank up the self-compassion — but it seemed so hard. And, honestly, it didn’t even cross my mind.

But it’s important for all of us, especially in those times of trouble and distress, to lend a hand — to ourselves.

In her book End Emotional Eating, clinical psychologist Jennifer L. Taitz, Psy.D, cites Kristin Neff’s definition of self-compassion. (If you remember, a while ago, I talked about Neff’s work here.) According to Neff, self-compassion is:

being open to and moved by one’s own suffering, experiencing feelings of caring and kindness toward oneself, taking an understanding, nonjudgemental attitude toward one’s inadequacies and failures, and recognizing that one’s experience is part of the common human experience.

In other words, self-compassion, writes Taitz, includes: “practicing self-kindness and understanding; seeing your experience as part of being human; and noticing your thoughts and feelings mindfully.”

That’s the interesting thing. When we eat emotionally, we usually feel incredibly alone. But we aren’t. So many of us have been there, so many of us can understand the hurt and confused feelings, the suffering in silence — and so many of us have reached a healthier place.

Self-compassion has many benefits. According to Taitz, it helps us manage our emotions and urges to eat emotionally. In fact, she writes that people who are more self-compassionate actually ruminate less and enjoy more positive emotions. Self-compassion also helps us feel less overwhelmed (another good thing since overwhelm can trigger emotional eating).

But how do you access this self-compassion when it’s toughest to find?

Taitz includes a very valuable exercise in her book called “creating a compassionate coach.”

• Think of a compassionate person, someone who genuinely embodies kindness, and focus on their image. This might be anyone from your grandma to a mentor to a friend to someone you don’t even know.
• Focus on some of their details, including their appearance, voice and posture.
• “How do you feel as you sit with this person in your mind?”
• From this person’s perspective, write yourself a supportive letter. Taitz says that you can use a specific situation, such as eating emotionally or feeling anxious. Think of what the person would say to you. After you’re done, read your letter out loud using a compassionate tone.
• The next time you’re struggling, picture this person and treat yourself the way this individual would. For instance, you might say something you think they’d say or reread your letter.
• Be sure to really lean in to the compassion. (I promise, you deserve to.)
• Pay attention to whether self-critical thoughts arise. If they do, Taitz says to “use them as an opportunity to return to compassion.”

What’s the hardest thing about connecting to your self-compassion? What’s helped you become more compassionate toward yourself? 

{via etsy by Peggy Wolf}

Today I wanted to do something a little different and share a poem I originally wrote for my personal blog. Even though I’ve largely gotten over my weight worries and body image issues, it’s interesting to see the traces of insecurities that still remain.

I’ve talked before about how my past appearance-based self-doubts morphed into other insecurities.

But I’ve only briefly mentioned my iffiness about my looks in general and my not-so-thick hair in particular. That’s the topic I tackle below.

I used to think

that i couldn’t have long hair.

it’s not thick enough.

In fact

some days

it’s stringy

the strands spaghetti-thin.

Maybe it’s too boring

my natural color

perhaps too dull

too brown.

It’d probably look better

shorter

with more layers

so it doesn’t scream thin

like it’s proud of it

or something.

Some days

I look to some invisible

omnipotent stranger

I’ll never meet

to tell me how

my hair should look

as if there’s some unspoken

rule about long locks.

Some days

I even apologize

for my hair.

I know it’s really thin

but I just love long hair. 

I’m sorry. 

But i’m trying to stop

the sorries.

Because I’m happy

I’m happy that i’ve decided

to be a

rule-breaker

a rebel

who ignores this all-mighty stranger

and lets her hair fall to her elbows

satisfaction sinking in.

–

So, today, I encourage you to consider what other appearance-based insecurities you have and how they might affect your life. Then consider what it would be like to let go or simply ignore your negative thoughts and ruminations. To let them pass without giving them fuel or encouragement, without seeing those thoughts and worries as hard-as-nails facts.

I think it’s incredibly empowering to realize that regardless of the harsh words our inner critic doles out, we can ignore her. We don’t have to listen. Our behaviors don’t have to reflect those mean thoughts.

What would you do if you ignored her negative words?

How would you feel? Would you have long hair? Check out a new place to eat? Dance? Buy a different piece of clothing? Laugh more? Walk with more confidence? Try a new hobby? Have more fun?

–

P.S., Eating disorder expert Susan Schulherr (who I’ve had the pleasure of interviewing before for Weightless) is giving an hour-long webinar for clinicians this Friday (5/18). It’s called “Trauma and Eating Disorders: Essentials for a Clinician to Know (and Do!).” You can register here.

Also, check out my guest post about creativity on Ashley’s blog, Nourishing the Soul. I’m honored to be there. Ashley is an incredible blogger (person and professional), and I absolutely love her work!

Every Monday features a tip, activity, inspiring quote or some other tidbit that helps boost your body image, whether directly or indirectly — and hopefully kick-starts the week on a positive note!

Got a tip for improving body image? Email me at mtartakovsky at gmail dot com, and I’ll be happy to feature it. I’d love to hear from you!

{via etsy by Rocky Top Studio}

Jenn Gibson of Roots of She wrote a powerful post last week about holding onto things that don’t serve us. (Thanks to Mara for linking to it!)

As Jenn writes, “We hold on to a lot of shit that doesn’t serve us, doesn’t lift or light us up, that color our days with a feeling of loss or regret or scarcity.”

She gives the following examples: “Ideas, beliefs, misconceptions, old hurts and aches, values that have evolved, feelings that have changed, the thought that unless things are a certain way it’s not right or good, the idea of perfection.”

This made me think about body image. (Doesn’t everything?) About our ideas, beliefs and misconceptions about feeling good about ourselves, about taking good care of ourselves and living a fulfilling life. The ideas and even the objects that hold us back from moving forward and feeling comfortable, proud and happy in our own skin.

So I’m wondering, what’s not serving you in improving your body image?

Your answer may be a slew of things, such as:

• the stacks of women’s magazines that lay on your nightstand
• the diet books you keep by the fridge
• the idea that exercise must be punishing, painful or a chore
• the idea that you can’t go to the gym unless you look a certain way
• your size whatever jeans waiting in the back of the closet
• the scale in the bathroom
• a gnawing worry about your weight
• lingering anger with your body
• the idea that there’s saintly versus sinful foods
• the idea that you’ve been “bad” if you’ve eaten dessert
• the belief that those negative comments you make about your body don’t affect you
• the belief that thin is beautiful or healthy

Think about the very things that aren’t serving you, and write them down. Jenn suggests the following:

I want you to take a few moments or minutes and think about the things in your life that are not lifting you up. They can be fears, thoughts, feelings, practices, people, ideas, beliefs, behaviors.

Grab a pen or pencil, heck, grab a crayon or sharpie and some paper and write ‘em all down.

Take a deep breath in and when you let it out, let the words just flow from you.

Of course the next important question is: How do you let these things go?

While Jenn will talk about this very topic on Wednesday on her blog, I do have a few ideas. I think first it helps to figure out why you’ve been holding onto these objects, ideas or beliefs.

Where are they coming from? How might you be perpetuating or refueling them?

Even if you’re still not sure, identify one action you can take to move forward and leave those things behind. To put a chink in their armor. To break the cycle.

Even if you have no clue why the heck you’ve amassed a stack of magazines, but you do know that they aren’t serving you, just toss them and cancel your subscription. (Recycle them first, of course.)

If you’ve always viewed exercise as a punishing activity, brainstorm a few activities you can try this week that are fun and enjoyable. Be curious. Experiment with a few different activities.

Also, toss the scale, no questions asked. Just get rid of it. You’ll be happier you did. Promise.

What’s not serving you in boosting your body image? What can you do about it today?