Weird, Funny and Sadly True

Friend Factor

2011-06-30T07:51:00.000-04:00

I have heard so many times in life and in so many movies that guys don’t want to fall into the “friends” zone. If a guy likes a girl then he must play his cards so that he doesn’t become just a friend. You know, can’t wait too long before moving in for the kiss, can’t be too compassionate about a break up, “forget” the name of boyfriend/ex-boyfriend on purpose. . .

So, how’s Peter?

His name is Patrick. .

Oh, right. . .whatever It’s all orchestrated to diminish Peter/Patrick! Yes, guys. . we are on to your tricks!

Anyway, I am not sure I buy into that theory myself because Travis and I were friends for years before we started dating. He says he was always more than a friend, but nothing happened until we officially started dating, so technically, he should have been lost on lonely friend island forever. But I knew that I was drawn to him that whole time and then it finally worked out that we coupled up. I think that for me at least if I like you then no matter if you are an old friend or a new acquaintance I will know if I want to date you. It may not happen right away, but I hope it happens sometime!

But now, I find myself wondering if the same friend factor works in reverse. Can women fall into the friend zone to their male friends and be stuck there forever? I have a male friend that I suddenly decided that I have a crush on. . I have known him for a long time but now I am looking at him in a whole new light. I have been seeing him more and more lately which is when the newfound spark ignited. However, he has a girlfriend and although I want him to be happy, I also just want to see if there really is something between us. But, is it possible for me to fall strictly into being just his friend? I listen to his stories about his girlfriend (and horribly ask questions about her), his family, his job. I am a good listener, supportive, compassionate and I wonder if that is the direct route to you know where. . . If I continue in this fashion, will he never see me as anything more than a good friend? Will I be the person he calls on when he needs to talk about his problems or needs a ride when his car breaks down or watch his dog when he takes the GF out of town for the weekend?

I am not a home wrecker so I can’t encourage a breakup and like I said, I really do want him to be happy. But should I change my approach to avoid ruining any future or should I just enjoy our friendship and maybe someday he will see me as someone special? I just hope that if that day ever does happen, I still have this crush. Is it possible that this crush is just a by-product of bad dates and a twice broken heart?

Surprise. . .surprise

2011-06-27T07:55:00.000-04:00

So I had another topic planned for today but it will have to wait because life placed a better topic right in my lap at church Sunday. As most of you know, I have now made the official move to my new church and attend there every Sunday.

As I drive by the front door to park I see a man that seems so familiar to me. I can’t place him but I know I have seen him. . .now before I jump to any conclusions, I tell myself that he is probably a regular that I saw last Sunday. Then I see him walking right toward me smiling.

Do you remember me?

Um. . . Dang, I knew that he was familiar, but I don’t know why!

We met at First Presbyterian, I left you a note. . .

Lightbulb!!! Ha, do you who he is? Yes, oh yes. . .he is the 60 year old love noter!

I heard you were here and I wanted to stop by and see you one more time.

Oh, of course. Randall . . .right?

Yes, I was so disappointed that the really pretty Sunday School teacher had left. And I wanted to see you again, I heard that you were up here so I came by just to see you again. What do you do here?

I am the Youth Minister and I work with the middle schoolers and high schoolers.

That is great, I just got back from Mexico with a high school group and it was a great trip. You have got a great job here.

I really do. I can tell that this is not just a visit in an "official church capacity", but I really don't want to encourage a 60 year old man to hit on me. . .so my replies are very slow and short.

But I will sure miss seeing you every week. I would see you on Sunday but I never got the nerve to say hi to you. But I did leave a note on your desk.

Uh.. . . What is the appropriate response to that?

Well, here is my card and I really hope you call sometime. I am a handy man so I could work on your house or we could grab a cup of coffee sometime.

Thanks, do you live around here?

No. I moved here a few years ago to help out my parents so I live with them in Lely.

Um, did you notice that he lives with his parents?

Well, that is quite a drive up here.

Yes, but it was a beautiful drive and like I said, I wanted to see you. I better go but I really hope you call.

Um. . .Ok. I probably should have said. . .um. . .no, but I was in so much shock and I just really wanted the conversation to end. Plus I don't think my backbone is that developed yet to be mean to a guy who is trying so hard to get my attention. . .even if we all know that this is not a good love match!

Who else in the world does this happen to? Besides me???

Let’s take a moment to break it down bit by bit –

First – I never forget a face! I may not be able to remember why I know the face, but I never forget it. Today it would have been useful to not only recognize the face but to know why it was familiar. Perhaps I could have prepared myself and come up with more response than uh and um and oh!

Secondly - let’s not forget that he is 60 years old (not that I have let you forget that little nugget of info), that leaves love notes and lives with his parents. So for those who thought he would be my sugar daddy when he originally left the note. . .um, yea that is not going to happen!

Thirdly - if this were a cute guy that was in my age range I would have asked him to sit with me during church, gone to brunch with him following, had plans for another date and may even be planning a spring wedding! How hot is it that a guy would take the effort to find out where you went and wanted to see you again just for the chance to see you? Now that is the kind of wooing I am talking about! Why can’t guys in the mid thirties to mid fourties offer up that kind of pursuit? Sadly we must remember that this guy is 1 year younger than my mother!!

Finally - what else is there to say? Besides. . .holy crap! I thought my love noter was over with the love note. . .but oh no! And I have a feeling this is not over yet so I will keep you all posted of what happens next. . .you must know already that it will be good!

Black and White

2011-06-23T07:18:00.000-04:00

I have a great new guy for you to go out with, he is handsome, funny, so smart and he always smells good. He has his doctorate and is a retired pro football player. I think you guys would be great together but I have one question for you. . .

Ok. . .he sounds amazing so what’s wrong with him? I reply hesitantly.

How do you feel about dating black guys?

Uh. . . um. . .I have never dated a black guy before. In fact I have never dated anyone who isn’t white. . . But why not, I’ll give it a try.

Good. . I will give him your number. I am so excited about this and I think you will love him!

So this is how my newest dating adventure started. I don’t think I have a problem with dating some who is black, but I am nervous because well. . .right off the bat there is a big difference between us. But as I have been learning throughout this journey. . .I am willing to try anything and see what happens.

The next day I get a voicemail from Matthew and he has a very deep and sexy voice. My friend Karen that set up this love connection also told me that he is tall and super muscular, match that with his sexy voice and I was definitely interested in seeing what he looked like.

But getting to find out if there was a love connection turned out to be harder than I thought with my new smarty footballer. After 5 days, 10 calls and a bunch of voicemails we still have yet to talk on the phone, live and in person. We decided to switch to texting since that could be done anytime. . .anywhere. But even that seemed to run hot and cold with him. . .one day I would get –

Thinking of you today. . .can’t wait to meet!

Then the next day I would get –

I bore easily, since we can’t seem to connect I think we should back off.

Ugh. . .really. . .not loving that! But then he called and we talked and it was good! We spent the whole evening on the phone talking about everything from our kids to our jobs to our families. . you get the idea! And we planned a date for Friday night. . .my friend Karen aka the matchmaker offered to babysit, I had my outfit planned and I was ready to try something new. . . but then he canceled. He had to go out of town at the last minute for work and would not be home until late Friday night.

The sweet texts started again. I was bummed that he couldn’t make it but then he sent me a pic. . .ok, I think I could maybe live with his business trip because he was cute and muscular and had a great smile. He asked for a pic in return and I obliged. . .

You are so beautiful

Yep. . .I really am stinkin adorable!

We decided to reschedule for Saturday night. . .Karen was free to babysit on Saturday night too. . . so we were all set and I was again excited to see what would happen. . .but then I got -

I can’t make it tonight. . .got sick last night so I can’t make it. Some other time?

Well. . .that just seems like it is too much for me. He had been running hot and cold this whole time but then to be ditched two nights in a row? Really?!? Was I being too high maintenance? I remember when I had my first date with the kids dad, he was sick but he went anyway because he didn’t want to cancel on me and make me feel like he wasn’t interested. Is it too much to ask for that again?

I decided that there was just way too much drama involved before we even met. . .if we did develop into a relationship. . .how much drama would there be then? I think WAY too much for me! So, I sent him a text (since talking on the phone was still too challenging)

I really enjoyed talking to you but I don’t think we are a good match. I was looking forward to meeting you but you seem to have a lot going on.

To which I got this nasty reply –

I only spoke with you on the phone once and I really thought you were a good hearted person. We both know that if I was Tom Brady instead of being black I would have been considered worth the wait. I am old enough to know that when it’s all said and done, it was my color that was the problem.

Um, really? What an insult. . .if I had a problem with the whole black thing, then I would have never agreed to start talking to him. No, really this has to do with me wanting what I want. . which is a guy to sweep me off my feet! I don’t want to be kept waiting, I don’t want to feel like he will want me one day and not want me the next day. Maybe for some that is too much to ask but for the right guy. . .it will come naturally!

So. . .I never got my chance to find out if it is true. If what is true, you ask? You know, the old expression. . .”once you go black you never go back!” Hehehe. . .but you never know what the future will hold!

The Checklist

2011-06-20T19:58:00.000-04:00

In preparing for house guests, I was forced to clean up my back bedroom which the kids affectionately call the “junk room”. I am embarrassed to admit that I have lived in my house for a year and eight months and still have boxes to unpack. Instead of unpacking them, I just put them in the junk room until I feel compelled to look through them. Well, now is the time. . .

As I was unpacking, I found an old journal. . . .needless to say I had to sit and read a few pages of who I was and what I was thinking back in 1994. My oh my. . .I am so different now than I was at 20! Maybe one day I will share some of those stories, but for the purpose of this blog, we will talk about my list. You know, the list we all have of what qualities we want in a partner, what are negotiable and what are complete deal breakers! Let’s compare 37 year old Annie with 20 year old Annie and see how many of the items on my list still apply today and which ones I was completely off my rocker!

Necessary Qualities –

1994 2011

Must have sense of humor Always good to make me laugh.

Cannot have bad temper Yep, don’t want an angry Santa.

Must have dark hair Really don’t care. . .kinda like bald now!

Wants kids/good with kids Required that he must like kids, but can’t want any more because I can’t have anymore.

Cares about the environment Yea. . .I still like that one.

Has direction in life Hopefully they have found their direction and at our age are not still searching for their direction.

Can laugh at himself Want him to laugh at himself and lovingly poke fun at me!

Qualities I would like, but not required –

1994 2011

Financially secure Hmm, I wonder what that meant when I was 20. . .did it mean just having a job? But someone good with money is important to me now.

Older than me but under 28. I was willing to go 8 years older than me back then, which I will still consider but I have now learned my lesson in dating too young. I want someone from 35 – 45. . .younger than that means unsure of what he wants and older than that means grandpa!

Has a drivers license Um, yea. . .that is pretty important!

A good relationship with his parents A guy who is good with mom and dad can melt anyone’s heart!

Educated I would say that still applies, I like me a smart guy (notice the grammar in that statement. . please note it was done on purpose!)

Absolute Deal Breakers –

1994 2011

Heavy Drinker Glass of wine occasionally, sure. Beer with the game or with wings, ok. . .but I still agree a heavy drinker is a deal breaker.

Heavy Smoker I guess in 1994 smoking was ok for me as long as he didn’t smoke too heavily! Any smoking is a deal breaker for me now.

No Drugs Right. . .no drugs!

Cannot be anal I think this was fallout from my completely OCD dad! But I guess it still applies.

Cannot lie or steal I remember exactly where this came from. . .a guy asked me to dinner in college and when the meal was over he told me to go out of the restaurant first and when no one was looking he would dash too. I said absolutely not and forced him to pay the bill. . . he didn’t ask me out again!

Wow, that was an amusing exercise in my development and maturity. It was fun to look back at what was important to me 17 years ago and which ones still apply to me now.

I guess when I find someone great, I will know by the connection between us and not base everything on a pros and cons list. But let’s keep this list handy and when I tell you all about a new guy that I am interested in dating more than once we will do a quick run through of the checklist!

Unrequited Like

2011-06-17T08:10:00.001-04:00

You know the worst thing about dating is unrequited love. . .well more specifically unrequited like. . unrequited attraction? Ok, let me just tell you what I am talking about without trying to be fancy. You know, that moment when you see someone and you think to your self that it sure would be nice to get to know this guy a little more but then they just don’t seem to have the same thought.

I was out with friends recently listening to an average band but enjoying the above average company of my friends more.

Hey, that guy over there is totally checking you out.

I scan the crowd and sure enough there is a guy looking right at me. As soon as I caught him looking, he looked away. He is cute, maybe 40 (much closer to my age than grandpa from the last blog!), dark hair, no ring on the important finger. . .so I am excited that he is checking me out.

He’s cute!

Yea, but I don’t know. I say pretending that I don’t care that he is looking at me but hoping on the inside that I will get to talk to him.

As the night goes on I keep waiting for some move from him but all I get is the across the room eye lock and that flirty half smile. I give him the flirty half smile back then we drop our eye lock and go back to talking to our friends, this exchange happens several times.

Finally it is getting late and my friends and I are leaving, I see him watching me as we gather up our stuff and make our way to the exit. I give him one more smile then I am gone. . .never to see him again!

Here’s what I would like to know. . .what is that? Did I read the signs wrong? I don’t think so. Was he really not interested? This was a whole evening of across the room flirt only to have it wasted because it didn’t develop into. . . well anything! Why wouldn’t he make a move? Doesn’t every guy know that when a girl reciprocates the eye lock and smile that it is the green light to move in? Perhaps my male readers could help me better understand what was happening. And perhaps offer a bit of advice. . . Maybe I am not as good at the flirty smile as I thought I was? Maybe I should practice at home like in middle school when I would practice kissing on my hand? Ha! No, I don't think I will go that far. . .

Ahhh, well. . .unrequited like. . .another hiccup in the road of dating!

Love Notes

2011-06-13T11:50:00.000-04:00

Ok. . .so get this. I am in the process of switching jobs and moving from one church to another. During the transition, I am working at both places for a few weeks until the “old” church is set up for my departure. Anyway, you are wondering what this could possibly have to do with my yet again newly single life. . . .

A lady from the “old”church, Amanda, came up to me on Monday morning and said that a man was asking about me. To which Kathy (my friend at the chuch) responded with –

Oh. . .what man would this be? With that tone that I immediately recognized. . .the tone of oh look. . .we will find you a date!

I don’t know who he was, I think his name was Rich or Ron or something. Anyway, he wanted to know where you were because he wanted to speak with you. When I told him that you were leaving our church for another position and he was very disappointed. He said that you had made quite an impression on him and he was sad to see you leave.

Who was this guy? Kathy asked as she was setting me up on a date in her head!

I don’t know. . .but he was impressed with Annie.

The whole thing was just too weird for me. . .I never make that big of an impression on anyone especially enough so that they pursue me like this. Well, not since high school. . . now I am just an old, haggard mom that no one gives a second glance too. You may be thinking that this conversation doesn’t really seem like a big enough deal to make the blog. . .but wait it gets better.

The next day when I get to work. . .there is a note on my desk. . .yes a note.

I was looking forward to seeing you again to let you know how nice it was to meet you. . but I hear you are leaving? Please call me. Randall Smith 555-5555.

Um. . .does that seem like a elementary note to you? I like you do you like me. . circle yes or no? Who does that?

I call Kathy into my office immediately to show her the note.

I know. . .he was here yesterday and he asked for you. When I told him you weren’t here he left that note.

So, you saw him. . .who is he?

Oh Annie. . .you have to see this. And she pulled out the church directory to his picture.

Are you ready for this? The guy is attractive. . .for a 60 year old man!!! What does all this mean? Is he interested in asking me out? Is he looking for my help with finding him an assisted living home? Or is he just interested in talking to me about the church? Or does he have a son my age that he wants to set me up with? I don’t know! Do I call him at all or do I just ignore this whole weird situation?

Normally when I ask these questions. . .I already have the answer and I have already done whatever I thought was right. But honestly dear readers. . .WHAT DO I DO? Do I try to snag myself a sugar daddy!

So, do I call him or not?

The Break-Up, part 2

2011-06-09T07:17:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine said that if someone leaves once. .. they will do it again. I used this statement as a way to open up the conversation with Travis. Boy oh boy. . .was that a mistake! Of course I didn’t get the answer I wanted to hear which started a huge fight.

I guess where I am coming from is I was looking for confirmation that he wasn’t going to leave again. But instead I got that he is scared and overwhelmed by our relationship. What?!? Again?!? What kind of person does this to someone more than once? I just don’t understand! Then. . . he dropped a bombshell on me.
I’m sorry I am not on the same timeline as you are.

Let me take you back a moment and share with you why that is a bombshell. I have not put a timeline on any part of this relationship. I haven’t been able to figure out when it would be good to reintroduce him to the kids, I haven’t been about to decide when we would say that we are a couple. You get the idea. But he has been making statements like –

I have been thinking about when we should get married and maybe we should do it when we originally planned. Which was 9/10/11. . .like 3 months!

I think I should start going to church with you because how would it look that the husband of the Youth Minister doesn’t go to the same church.

Ok. . .so I am not crazy in thinking that we are pretty serious, right? So when he said that I am on a different timeline. . are you freakin’ kidding me? I am on the timeline that you have created. But this is what he does. . .he doesn’t share his feelings then whammo. . .leaves!!!!

I was pissed and I yelled at him

This is not ok! Don’t make me out to look like the wedding crazy girlfriend pushing you down the aisle.

Then he says -

So, do you want some space?

Yeah. . .that is exactly what is good for this relationship. . space! Um. . .wasn’t it space that jacked everything up? But. . .yea. . .let’s try that again! I hope you can feel the sarcasm oozing out of those statements! And, that is how I got some space from this relationship again. . . no calls, no texts, no stopping by. During the last 6 weeks, he would stop over all the time, every night after the kids went to bed he was here. We would be together during any free moment we had. . .but not tonight.

The next day was his day off. . ironically another Monday (first time he left was a Monday). No calls, no plans to spend the day together, nothing! So I called him.

Oh, I was going to call you today. . .you just beat me to it.

Really?!? How could he not see what a complete and utter jackass he was being? How could he not see the pain he was causing me. . . again!?!

But then we talked and really talked, not yelling or fighting, just serious, real, open talking. I learned a lot more about him and our relationship then I had known ever and it really opened my eyes to where we were and what kind of future we might have. I learned that he really didn’t see a future with me and that he felt that he was forcing his feelings with me sometimes.

So, I was faced with a decision. . .stay and see if it works itself out or leave and see if I can find the right person who really does see a future with me. Seeing that I am getting up there in years. . .I made the decision to stop and put myself on the singles market again. I could be mad, sad, disappointed and frustrated, but really I am just so thankful that he was honest with me about his feelings. Better to know now then to find out in 6 months. ..a year. . .5 years. I would really be old then!!!

Because of the division in our friends throughout of the first breakup. . I feel you should know that he and I are friends. We started as friends and we are choosing to resume our friendship, we talk on the phone, agreed to be there if the other needs help. . .you know. .. being friends!! We do not want anyone to feel they have to choose Team Annie or Team Travis. . .but we all know which one you would choose!

I am not super excited by the idea of dating again but what other choice do I have? I can’t picture myself as an old spinster with a bunch of cats! I will put myself out there again into the scary and crazy world of dating. I have the support of my friends and family, my friends have already jumped in with the always beneficial advice –

The minute you stop looking for love. . .it will find you.

You are a great girl. . any guy would be lucky to have you.

You know. . .we have all heard these lines and we have all said them. . . let’s just continue on this crazy adventure see where singlehood takes me! I have a feeling it is going to be weird, funny and sadly true!!!

Soul Mates

2011-06-06T07:48:00.000-04:00

Do you believe in soul mates? Do you believe that there is one person out there in the world that is meant for you? What if you pass this person by. . .does that mean that you spend the rest of you life lonely and unsatisfied? That just seems so cruel. Or do you think that there may be different people that blend well with you and if you pray about it, God will bless your union?

For me, I have never been romantic enough to believe in the notion of soul mates. I have never believed that I would meet someone that I knew instantly was the one for me and I just knew that I would grow old and happy with. It seemed like a cop out and easy justification for divorce. . . .life gets hard so of course this person must not be my soul mate. . .I must leave him immediately and set out to find my soul mate.

Travis on the other hand, does believe in soul mates. He believes that there is only one person in the whole world that will be his perfect match. Of course some will come close, but only that one will be truly the right fit. We were having a discussion recently about it. . .by accident. We usually stay away from this topic because we know the others opinion and it doesn’t do much to continue to beat a dead horse. The conversation began about this blog and how hard it was for him to read about my past dates while we were apart. Although it was never intended to cause harm to anyone, it did hurt his feelings reading it. He struggled to understand why I would go out with so many people while we were apart. To which I replied,

My intention for my life has never changed. I want to get married, settle down with one person who will be with me for the rest of my life. I want my kids to have a dad, not a step dad, but a dad that will play with them, take care of them and love them.

He began to reply

When you say that. . .

And I knew exactly what he was thinking so rudely I cut him off. .

You are not fitting into a pre-made slot of husband or dad! You were supposed to be in that spot but you left, so I was trying to fill your spot.

So, you are saying that I am the person who is supposed to be in that spot in your life?

Yes

Am I the only one who could fill that spot?

Yes. . . Doh! I just figured out what he was getting at! Here I am trying to make him feel good and instead he sneaks in his point on soul mates!!!

So, if I am the only person in the whole wide world that could be that person in your life. . .what would that make me?

Oh, shut up!

He always does that to me! He always works around to his point in such a subtle way that by the time I realize it. . .I have already said two or three sentences to support his position before I realize that I want the conversation to go somewhere else!

But. . .it did cause me to look a little deeper at my thoughts on soul mates and google more information about this topic! Here is what I found that seemed a little depressing to me -

Less than 30 percent of all people wind up with their true soulmate -- their divine complement. Divine complements are connected soul-to-soul, two complimentary souls who can make magic happen. But remember: Even if you happen to come across one another, it takes two to commit and turn meant-to-be into reality.

Less than 30%. . . really? That just seems cruel and unusual punishment to the other 70% of the population that don’t get to experience the “divine compliment” of a soul mate! The odds are so stacked against us, is it really worth the search since odds are you will never find that person? Or, think about this. . . if you only have a 30% chance to find that person. . what are the odds that you will find them in the same town you live in? I mean. . .come on. . .I am going to stick with my original opinion on soul mates. . .they don’t exist!

What about you??? What do you think? Are you with your soul mate . . .one of the lucky 30%?

Can I Forgive?

2011-05-26T09:08:00.000-04:00

What does forgiveness look like? Is it saying that what you did to hurt me is ok, of course not. Is it saying that I will take you back into my life? Maybe. . .

But my version of forgiveness was making both of us miserable and turning me into a person I didn’t want to be. So why would I want to continue doing this to myself and to him? I thought by talking to him again equated forgiveness. . . .miserable, angry forgiveness. Forgiveness that justified me making his life miserable and to make him hurt as much as he hurt me.

Suddenly. . .I had a total light bulb moment. . .suddenly it all became clear. That my version of forgiveness was completely backward and messed up. Let me tell you. . .that was a hard pill to swallow! I didn’t want to be hurt and wrong at the same time. . .because that just sucks! My light bulb moment came one night while I was reading "The True Measure of a Woman" for my bookclub -

Maybe you are afraid your future will be like your past. Now is the time to put the past to rest. When we excuse our behavior by our past, we say, “I’ve earned the right to be this way because of what you have done to me.” This attitude portrays the presence of unforgiveness in our hearts. Unforgiveness will keep us bound to our past.

Whammo! Smacked right in the head with that one. . .my method of “forgiveness” was really just my excuse to hurt him. . .which ultimately hurts me too. . .and my kids. Mind you the kids have no idea that Travis and I are even talking. . .but still will ultimately hurt them too.

The book continued on talking about that how we only believe that we can forgive if that other person proves they have changed. The choice is mine to forgive or not and is not hinged on his behavior. I can choose to forgive but also choose to not have him as part of my life. Or I can choose to forgive and have faith . . .in him. . .in me. .. in our relationship. Have faith in the things I knew to be true before he got scared of the unknown future.

Although I see myself as the “victim” here I am also the one who holds the power to choose to forgive! But how do you do that? I guess I could say it was simple, but it was 4 months of pain to get to the simple decision. Just say to myself that enough is enough and I am done being mad, I am done being bitter and I am done trying to hurt you. I guess I needed the 4 months of pain to be at a point to be able to think and say those things to myself and to him.

I was excited to share my revelation with him. We had plans to go out the next night and so far the night was a complete surprise to me. He wasn’t giving me any hints at what we would be doing and I wasn’t giving any hints at what I would be telling him either. I was so excited!

The night flew by so fast and he had everything planned down to the minute. That is definitely one of his strengths. . .romance! The man definitely knows how to give good woo! We started at happy hour, then moved on to dinner, followed by sunset at the beach and closed up with the Tamiami Cigar Bar. The ending sounds a bit off . . .how often do you take a non-smoking cancer survivor to a Cigar Bar? But he is also a very good listener because I had told him that I wanted to try a cigar bar sometime!

I had just been enjoying the night and hadn’t jumped into my big news, but as we were cuddled up in the private room of the Cigar Bar each with a cigar and a glass of wine. . .now was the time:

So, I have been doing some thinking and I realized that although we have been talking and hanging out. . I have been awful to be around. I have been picking fights and making both of us miserable. Then I read something about forgiveness and it really changed the way I see our situation. It made me realize that I want to forgive you and make this work and stop trying to understand or get a justification from you as to why you left. . . so, I want to be your girlfriend again. I want to work this out.

He sat quietly listening to me but not making eye contact. . . just played with his glass of wine and said –

I don’t know. I don’t know if I can do it and I don’t want to make a mistake again. I know I hurt you and I don’t want to do that to you ever again. I want to be with you, but I don’t know if I am the kind of guy you want. Take tonight for example, I can’t plan dates like this all the time.

I interrupted him with, I am not asking for dates like this all the time. Sometimes it is great, but I want to just curl up on the couch with you and watch movies. I don’t need all this.

But everything you say in your blog is about how you want a strong guy who takes care of you and I don’t know if I am that guy.

I was stunned and hurt. I was hoping he would be as excited as I was. . .the guy who was at my house just a few short days ago telling me he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. Where was he? One thing I did learn throughout this whole experience is that when he left, I should have said what I was feeling and not get caught up in my hurt feelings by remaining silent, watching him walk out the door. I had already come out on a limb this much tonight. .. might as well go all the way and tell him everything I was thinking even though my feelings were hurt again by his lack of excitement.

There will be times in life that I will be the strong one and times that you will be. But I will not let you hide. I will call you when I feel like it, I will tell you I love you because I do. I will not play a little game of waiting until you call me. If I want to talk to you, I will call you. I will be in a full, normal relationship with you and we cannot pretend that we don’t have a history. We are not starting from scratch where we have to play little games, we are together. . . we are a couple and I am going to act that way. This is the moment that I will be the strong one.

Oh. . .I was sweatin saying all that. I was terrified that I would get rejected by this man that I really do love. . .again! But instead, he leaned over and gently kissed me. Then he pulled my head to the side of his and he whispered,

Thank you

My heart was overflowing with joy and fear and anticipation and excitement and. . . and. . .and. . .you name it I was feeling it!

So here is how we began being us again. . we began being the couple that belong together, that work together and that will fight to make us whole again. I can only hope that the next time I am faced with being the strong one, I will be able to put aside my feelings and do what is right for the relationship.

Men are from Mars???

2011-05-23T10:40:00.000-04:00

I was cleaning the house today and thinking about what I wanted today’s topic to be. I have been so serious lately. . .because reconciliation and relationships can be serious business and I was told by a friend that I should add some humor again so I don’t lose my readers. I hope you all are not reading just to get some laughs. . .because I am so not funny! I also have a friend who is planning on who will play him in the movie version of my blog so I better not lose readers if I am going to make it to Hollywood!

While sweeping my floor I was thinking about the difference between men and women. We get thrown all this stuff about how different we are, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. . .you know what I am talking about. But I think it is all a big conspiracy by men, notice that book is written. . .BY A MAN. . .perpetuating this belief! But let’s take a look for a moment at what men don’t want us to see, kind of a “don’t look at the man behind the curtain”. Men distract the ladies with burps, farts and general grossness in order to take the focus off the fact that they are sensitive, gentle and emotional creatures! Picture this:

Man sitting on the couch watching his favorite football team with friends. His team wins the game in the last couple of seconds and the team goes crazy with joy, hugging each other, jumping on top of each other. The man on the couch is caught up in the emotion and if it were a woman she may shed a tear of joy. But the man, although he also wants to shed that tear, doesn’t want to show anyone that he has feelings so instead busts out a huge burp and makes the men in the room laugh and the women roll their eyes.

Perfect example of when a guy is having the exact same emotions as us. . .but has to hide it behind disgusting!!!

So. . .I am going to pull back the curtain that the men are hiding behind and rip open this conspiracy:

Bromance vs girl crush – Dudes want to think they are all strong, silent loners. . .but we have all see the bromance in action! Your man gets excited to see the guys. . .gets himself all prettied up even to hang at home with friends. . .hmmm similar to the way girls act with our closest friends.

Magazines/Articles – Yes we have all heard the lame lie that a guy only looks at Playboy for the articles. But when was the last time you picked up a magazine designed for men? Not all that different from the stuff the ladies read. Articles on how to attract the opposite sex, how to make yourself desirable. . .Here is a sample of what I read recently on how to pick up a girl:

no dirty jokes: girls don’t like them
no lame pick up lines: she has heard them all before
live in the moment: just be yourself
sometimes corny can be a good thing, if you're not forcing it
if its funny then its usually cute

Hmm. . .eerily similar to stuff that is housed in Cosmo, Glamour or any other chick magazine.

Weddings – The bride is the focus of a wedding, right? The men planned it that way because they want all eyes on her when she is coming down the aisle. Next wedding you are at, watch the groom instead. . .as soon as he sees the bride, he begins tearing up. But he needs that couple of minutes while she is in the spotlight on the aisle to pull himself together and wipe away the tears!

I am sure you can think of so many other examples. . .this was really just to get the ball rolling and see what you can come up with too. But, I think we need to just forget the Men are from Mars business and realize that men and women are really not all that different.. . we are just allowed to express our feelings and they have to cover it up with a big stinky burp!

How Hard Can I Push?

2011-05-19T09:25:00.000-04:00

I thought moving forward with Travis would be easy. . . ok, I am not completely delusional. I knew there would be challenges, but I was not prepared for the storm of anger that overcame me. We had been on two fabulous dates (more accurately, one fabulous date and one accidental lunch) to which I will still call two fabulous dates. And I got to hear the words that I had been waiting to hear. . .his love for me and his desire to work it out. That should be a good start, right? Maybe it is a good start, but not good enough to take away the rage!

I suddenly became someone I didn’t even like, every time he called I would find a way to pick a fight. When one of us would be so sick of fighting, we would hang up and I would throw the phone down and I would say to myself –

Yep, never going to hear from him again!

But shockingly, the next morning I would get a text from him –

Good morning beautiful. I hope you have a great day.

And I would be shocked and pleased that he didn’t run away. That is really what it came down to. . .I was going to push him away from me as hard as I could and make his life miserable just to see if he would come back. This was maybe 50% conscious and 50% sub-conscious. I can’t say that I was intentionally picking these fights because when I would get the text, I would tell myself that I would be nicer to him today. But then inevitably, every conversation was so awkward and uncomfortable that we would end up fighting again. Gone were the easy, carefree conversations of our dates. . .pre-working it out. Now the floodgates of emotion have been opened and we were forced to deal with all the gunk! During our relationship, we didn’t really fight. . .ever. We had a couple disagreements, but we never raised our voices to each other. Now. . oh boy. . .now we were FIGHTING! The whopper came one Saturday night. It was the normal, slightly awkward conversation that spiraled out of control so quickly. Of course the root of the fight was him leaving me –

How can you not see what a jerk you were to me and the kids?

You didn’t even give me the common courtesy to talk to me, you just left. . .who does that but a coward!

I told you this wouldn’t be easy and I was right. . .what are you going to do about it? Run away. . .again?!?

You get the idea of how nasty I was being. I didn’t want to be but I didn’t know how to stop, until he yelled back at me –

Just stop it. ..that is enough! I will not let you continue to tear me down!

And I stopped yelling and tearing him down for that moment, it caught me off guard. So I quietly said into the phone.

I have to go. . .I don’t want to talk to you anymore.

When we hung up, I definitely thought, yep. . .never hearing from him again!

The next day, I was at brunch with some friends. . .those friends were the same friends we were with the night he proposed. Although I had seen them since the proposal, this was the first time it was all of us together at one time. I was painfully aware that I was the only single one in the bunch and I was flooded with memories of the last time we were all together. It was such a fun and happy night with kids playing, parents talking, laughing and drinking. And at the end of it all. . .a ring and a promise of a lifetime together.

But this brunch was the lonely single girl and 2 happily married couples of which I was envious. They had what I wanted and had come so close to having with Travis. I shared with the girls about our fight the night before and sadly that morning. . .there was no text from him wishing me a good morning. I had done it; I had pushed him so hard that I pushed him to leave. It’s what I knew I was doing . . .well 50% of me knew it, so why should I be surprised that he actually did it? A self fulfilling prophecy, right?

So, if I was trying to push him away, why was I sad when I had succeeded at my goal? Well, duh! It wasn’t what I really wanted but I couldn’t allow myself the luxury of being vulnerable with him. I am too scared of getting hurt.

I know this blog does not portray me in the best light. . .I know that I look like an angry Santa in it and I don’t want to be so angry. But I am. . .I will not allow myself to feel hurt any more. . .it is so much easier and self-preserving to feel anger.

By the end of the day, Travis did text me and we did talk. But nothing feels different. . .I have a feeling I will be picking another fight because I am waiting to hear some magic words that will make me want to forgive him and make me let go of being angry. So . . .what does forgiveness look like?

And. . .there it is

2011-05-17T08:03:00.000-04:00

Do you know what a rare and amazing gift a sleepover is to a single parent? Multiply that by 2 kids invited to sleepovers on the same night. . .equals a little piece of single parent heaven. On a night when I was fortunate to experience this little slice of heaven, I couldn’t have it wasted sitting at home watching my Tivo’d re-runs of Jersey Shore. I don’t know why I suddenly became addicted to this show and I am so embarrassed to share with you that I am!

Anyway, earlier that day Travis had texted me asking me what I was doing that night, I didn’t have any plans but I didn’t have a babysitter either. But now. . .well now in sleepover heaven. . .I just so happen to be available! Do I call him and tell him I am free after all? If I do see him would that mean that we are spiraling toward a reconciliation? Reconnecting over Chipotle. . .that was easy and fun, no pressure. But tonight would be intentional. . .a date. . . I know full well as I ponder what it all means that I will go out with him. How could I not? I was excited by the idea of it, but terrified as well. Since our reconnection over Chipotle, we haven’t really talked. It hasn’t been a jump back in with both feet kind of thing. . .more of a lunch was nice, now I will dissect everything he said to determine its actual meaning and wait by the phone to see if he calls. Pathetic!!! But the million dollar question for me was - Did I want to get back together with him or did I want to get back at him?

But. . .back to not wanting to sit home alone. . . I text -

Hey. . .kids are gone for the night. . .busy?

Yep. . .going out with you!

And there it was, a planned date with Travis. He picks me up right on time, he is looking and smelling perfect. His hair is a little spiked, jeans with a button down – so sexy! We head back to Chipotle, not because it is the nicest place for a date, but because I am still not over the novelty of it being here. For me, it equals the perfect date place. It is like a flashback to the other day at lunch, the conversation just flowed and the flirting and deep eye locks abounded! The whole time my mind is racing though, WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN? I can’t not ask. . .I have to know and I have spent the last 5 days, 4 hours and 39 minutes trying to figure out what the kiss meant. I cannot torture myself any longer . . .

What are we doing?

God. . .there it is, it just fell out of my mouth. . .it was so girly. Why do girls always have to find the emotion in every situation? We just can’t let it be!!!

What do you mean?

God. . .there it is, the typical guy response. . .really??? Non-committal and vague.

You know what I mean. . .are we going to date each other again, are we just going to hang out as friends? You kissed me, so what are we doing?

Well . . I like that we are talking again and I like seeing you. I don’t know what the next step is, if you want me here to be your friend and help you fully recover from the pain I caused you then that is what I will be. If you want to keep dating other people until you decide what is going to happen with us, then I don’t want to stop you.

Oh, ok. Totally time to change the subject because that is not the answer I expected. To give you a little insight into Travis, he is not a casual dating kind of guy. . .I thought he would be totally jealous over the thought of me dating someone else, but to support it? So not like him.

To help move past this conversation, it was the perfect time to leave Chipotle, walk through Mercato and find ourselves ordering drinks at Burn. We sat on the patio, listening to the music and watching the people walking by. My eyes fall on an older lady rockin’ the dance floor until she goes low, low, low, low and can’t get back up. It takes 3 bartenders to get her back to her feet. A Cheshire cat smile passes her lips because she is totally enjoying the attention from the 3 hunky bartenders. COUGAR! Oh, I can’t be single when I get old! I can’t be still writing this blog about dating . . .hopefully I will still be writing but maybe mature it past dating? But worrying about the future is certainly not a reason to want to be with Travis.

Hey, I listened to this song and thought of you when we were broken up.

I snap out of my depressing future and back into the moment. I focus my ears to the song –

I see you drivin’ round town with the girl I love and I’m like forget you. I guess the change in my pocket just wasn’t enough and I’m like forget you.

What. . .did you just call me a gold digger?

No. . .not the whole song made me think of you, just the drivin’ round town with the girl I love. Because of all your dates. . .that is what I meant!

Whatevs. . .rude!! I reply, trying to keep it light to him but in my head I am stuck on the girl I love part. So does he still love me?

As that song ends, a sense of dread comes over me. . .I recognize the beginning of the next song coming on. It was “our song”, the song he would pull me close, dance with me and sing in my ear. I haven’t been able to listen to it since THE day. But here it is and I can’t get away and to make it worse, I was with him!! It was all just too much to deal with at one time, so I just cuddled up close to him, nuzzled my face into his neck and just waited it out. . .it seemed like forever!

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Ok. . .made it through “our song”. . .it was miserable for that moment but didn’t change the tone of the night. We had a blast. . . again and it felt so good how we just fell seamlessly into being together. But at the end of the date. . .I still wondered WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? I guess from our conversation earlier, he is leaving the ball in my court to decide what our future looks like. But if he really wanted to be together, would he really be ok with me dating others while I figure it out?

The next night as I am driving home from dinner with friends, he called –

I need to talk to you. Can I stop by real quick?

Travis, it’s late and I have to go to bed.

It will only take 5 minutes and I won’t even come inside.

My curiosity got the better of me so I acquiesced and there he was in front of me at midnight on my front porch.

What I said last night when you asked what we are doing was not really the answer I wanted to give you. I don’t want you to see other people and I don’t want to be just your friend. I am still in love with you and I have never stopped loving you. I am so sorry for how much I hurt you and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

And. . .there it is. The moment I have been waiting many long months for, the words I have ached to hear. . .this was it. Holy crap. . .what do I do now? Is this really what I want? I wanted to hear him say these exact words, but I don’t know what I want to do with those words now. I don’t know if I can go back into a happy loving relationship with someone who was so careless with my feelings and the feelings of my children.

This is going to require a lot of soul searching on my part to decide what is my next move!

Ahh. . .Chipotle

2011-05-12T11:49:00.000-04:00

Did you know that Chipotle is not only the best food EVER and food with integrity, but it brings people together too? Yes, it is truly an amazing little place in the world and I am so thankful that one opened here in Naples. Not only because I plan on eating there everyday. . .hmm, may have to get some after I post this. . but because it opened a door for me.

When I was with Travis we took a trip over to the east coast and I introduced him to Chipotle. He said he loved it as much as I do (which we all know is impossible!) but it became a favorite for both of us. He knew full well that I would be eating there regularly once it opened here and I assumed he might pop in there a few times as well. Little did I know that it would be the catalyst for us talking again.

Now, remember. . .we have not spoken to each other in MONTHS. Even in the days following him leaving me, we didn’t talk. Our entire break up and all subsequent conversations would take less time than going to the movies. So us having any conversation is huge and again began because of our love of Chipotle!

I texted him to make sure that he knew that Chipotle was open. I felt I had to but I was so nervous to hit send. . .I got a message back from him very quickly

I’m heading over there for lunch now!

To which I replied. . .looking for a free lunch. . .but totally kidding.

You remember my order right?

Then the shocking happened. . .

I’ll get you one, but you will have to pick it up. . .it will be here for 15 more minutes.

Hmm. . .not sure what to think about this, it is lunch time so is he there with a group from work? Am I just supposed to drive by and pick it up, like McDonalds? Are we having lunch together? I really don’t know what to expect when I pull up but I see him sitting outside, looking amazing with 2 burrito bowls and drinks in front of him. He is dressed in casual clothes and by himself.

My heart leaps a little bit and I am so painfully aware of each step I take toward him. I feel like my legs are jello and I am SO worried of tripping over my feet. My mind jumps to my appearance because I didn’t have time to go home and pretty up! But, having just come from work, I was looking fabulous and this was my eat your heart out moment. . . look at what you missed out on.

Fortunately, he was as nervous as me because I felt his heart beating out of his chest as we hugged hello. Neither of us brought up anything from the past few months. We steered clear of that topic as much as possible, except for a couple digs I threw in just to make myself feel better, like –

I'm sure you did some retail therapy following our break up. . .this is what I got as my retail therapy. He says as he pulls out an I-touch from his pocket.

I respond with No, since I quit my job to be with you and you walked out, I couldn’t afford retail therapy!

Rude, I know. . .but I just had to say a little something. Other than that, it was a beautiful conversation about life, travel, friends, the kids, we just seamlessly fell into a great conversation with each other. I felt very California and new agey by being “friends” with an ex that broke my heart. Very therapeutic!

I was feeling so glad that I met him, until. . .

He walked me to my car, we hugged and when I pulled back to end the hug, he didn’t let go. I pulled my face back a little bit and said.

Oh, crap. . .you are going to kiss me.

And he kissed me. Oh, it was such an amazing, comfortable, sweet kiss that was flooded with memories of our past life together and the pain between us.

Then I didn’t feel so California any more. . .I was jolted back to being the neurotic self that I am. What did the kiss mean? Did he want to get back together? Was it just habit? Is he hoping to hook up with me? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN????

I needed to get some perspective. . .I told my neighbor Sue everything that happened and pleaded with her to help me understand what it all meant.

Well, maybe it meant nothing.

What. . .how could it mean nothing? Now I feel like a loser. . .why did I kiss him? Oh, but it felt so good to kiss him!

Ok. . .maybe it meant something. . .maybe he does want to try to work it out. . .

Hmm. . .do you think she might be trying to stay neutral??? Of course, I know she doesn’t have the answers. . .there is only one person who holds the answer of his intentions and I certainly can’t ask him. Although we had a great lunch. . .it probably didn’t mean anything. It was probably just as therapeutic to him as it was to me and now we will go our separate ways a little more healed than we were the day before. Perhaps I have to make peace with the fact that I may never know what that kiss meant or maybe I will get an answer and some understanding. I will just have to wait and see what it all means! And that means, you will have wait as well, my friends!

Adios

The Old T vs. The New T

2011-05-09T10:03:00.000-04:00

Ta da. . .there is my cell telling me that I have a new text. I glance down and do not recognize the number. I click the message open and see –

Hi Annie, it’s Travis.

Ugh. . .my heart sinks and I feel like I am going to throw up! As soon as Travis and I were over, I deleted him from my phone and his number from my memory. But here he is. . .texting me.

Then it hits me. . .this isn’t Old Travis. It is New Travis ie Thunderbird222 from online. Suddenly with that realization I am so disappointed that it wasn’t Old Travis. But I pull it together and bust out a text response and there begins my time dating New Travis. It started off with a lot of texting. . . although New Travis was my age, he seemed so much younger and definitely a guy without responsibility. . . in other words, no kids!

After numerous texts, we finally planned a lunch date at Miller’s Ale House for the next day. That morning I started getting these texts

Are you getting ready for our date?

Can’t wait to meet you. . . muah!

Muah? I don’t know what that means, so I race to my computer and google it. I am so not down with the text world and I feel like I am talking to an 18 year old! Google pops up –

MUAH – text for a kiss, the sound of a kiss.

What!?! We haven’t even met yet but he is already text kissing me? Hmm. . .starting to wonder about this date. One usually assumes that it is the girl who is actively seeking a relationship because guys would lose their “man cards” if they became vulnerable and said they wanted a relationship. Or, gasp even worse if they said they wanted to get married. I for one am caught off guard if a man shows too much interest in me too soon. It makes me immediately think they are a crazy stalker. . .oh if only I had listened to my gut! But I push those thoughts out of my head because I don’t want to ruin my first date and who knows, he could be fabulous.

I arrive at Miller’s first and wait for him outside, when I see him walking toward me, I am pleased that he looks good and true to his description.

Can’t even begin to tell you how awesome this date was. . . we talked about everything and laughed about everything. He told me all about being an architect, showed me pictures of houses and buildings he has designed, about his family in Illinois and past relationships, horror stories in dating. . . he made me laugh. In turn I told him about my life, my job, my kids and of course my horror stories in dating. . .I made him laugh.

When our 2 hour lunch was over, I was smitten and optimistic about dating him. He walked me to my car and gave me a hug goodbye. I drove home with a smile on my face and flying on cloud nine! It was so fun. . .this is why people love dating! I did have a bit of a hang up with his name, but I could get over that!

Ta-da. . .here it is, the text telling me that he had a great time and couldn’t wait to see me again. Sometimes I like to stall looking at a text because I don’t want to reply right away and seem too eager. But this time, I grabbed the phone and saw –

So gorgeous in person. . .wow

YES!!! He had as good of a time as I did! Oh, I haven’t had this feeling in so long. . . when you meet someone you actually like and want to see again. Ta-da. . another text. . .

I miss u bad. . .can I come back?

Um, what? I don’t get it. . . you miss me? Now, I am usually not one to want to play the “rules” game of dating, but telling me you miss me after one lunch is a bit too much for me! Ta-da. . .

Cnt stop thinkin about you. . . hmmmmm. Can I c u tonight? Ill bring me and my lips and great personality.

Whoa! This is just too much. Where did the cute, charming guy go? Why has he been replaced with this overbearing, clingy guy? I found myself yelling at the phone. . . “wait . . . bring back the other guy!” Perhaps the people in the cars next to me thought I was a bit crazy, but I was so confused!

The rest of the afternoon progressed quietly. Travis and I talked that night but he seemed a little different. Not the funny, charming dialogue from lunch, instead it was replaced with a lot of junk –

Did you miss me today?

Do you want to see me?

I can’t wait to see you again.

Blah, blah, blah. . .(Ok, I am sure there were real words. . .but they all sounded the same to me!)

These are things I would say to my boyfriend or husband. Not to a guy following a first date. . .I didn’t really enjoy our conversation too much so I ended it as early as I could. I went to bed a little deflated, my high from lunch was gone and replaced with a pity party. I still couldn’t understand what happened with Old Travis and I don’t understand why I am having so much difficulty dating. I have managed to cross the spectrum of the best of dating to the worst of dating in one day with one date!

I woke up the next day with a text waiting for me -

Good morning baby. . . you should come cuddle w ur man

And. . .there it is. . . the end for me with New Travis! I just couldn’t move that fast, I was dating because I wanted to see what was out there and help me feel good about myself following Old Travis. But I wasn’t ready to jump into a relationship with a needy guy who thought we were a couple after one lunch! Just couldn’t do it!

So . . maybe this experience showed me that I am not as ready for the dating world as I like to tell myself I am. Maybe I should let my heart heal more before agreeing to any more dates. . . or maybe if New Travis hadn’t been such a clingon, we could have been very happy together! Yes, let’s go ahead and blame him for this and push any of the blame off of me!

TTFN

(had to google what that meant too!)

The Online World

2011-05-05T13:26:00.000-04:00

My mom is incredible, she is my best friend and the best possible mom. She is funny because she is conservative but a bit wacky at the same time because she is an artist too. For a long time, she was single then she met a great guy. One would think that a 60 year old woman would meet people at the country club, she tried that and he was a jerk! Or she might meet someone at a golf lesson, nah. . .she is not that into golf. So she found the next best way to meet people. . . online! I know, I was shocked too! She joined Match.com and after a couple bad or boring dates, she found a good guy.

Because of this experience, she tends to speak very highly of online dating and “encourages” people to try it out. By encourage, I mean she will go to their house, take their picture, fill out their profiles then give them dating tips to ensure a successful date.

I thought, since I am still trying to effectively flex the flirt muscle, I would give it a try. . .but I would not pay for it, I still have some old fashioned girl in me and I couldn’t imagine paying for a date. So, I tried it for free and WOW what an experience. Let me begin with the phone calls, emails and IM’s and in some future blogs you will get the hear all about the dates!

Now one would think, how bad could an email or a phone call be? That is the “safe” part of dating. The beauty of email is you can think about your response, re-read/re-type your thoughts so they come out just right. Likewise, the beauty of a phone call is you can lay in bed in your jammies (or whatever is your comfort zone. . .bed and jammies is mine), while relaxing in your comfort zone it is much easier to be witty and charming. But, let me share with you the ridiculous crapola I got to hear. As an aside, after reading this you will be shocked that I actually agreed to meet anyone in person. But this would not be a very fun blog if I didn’t have so so so much to share.

Moving on to my point. . . Let’s begin with a fun night IMing with Muses. This is obviously not his name, but his screen name. I can’t remember if I actually know his real name or not, probably erased it from my memory due to the trauma of having to communicate with him. You may find that is the case for all the email/phone call “dates”.

Anyway, being new to online dating, I was anxiously reading my emails because I was sure that I would have a ton of great guys to choose from. I would have to wade through a mountain of hot eligible bachelors, right? That is what you see on all the ads for online sites, click here to meet sexy singles in your area. Oh, but wait. . .that isn’t how it works and I don’t know where they hide the sexy singles because try as I might, I couldn’t find any of them. Instead I had to wade through a dozen creepy, old or extremely unattractive people. I don’t want to sound too good for the average person, but I will say that I am really stinkin’ adorable and I am not interested in creepy, old or unattractive!

Yet again, I digress. As I am wading through these emails, yes I am reading them for amusement but not taking them seriously, I get an IM from Muses. I take a quick scan of his profile, single – ok, cute picture – check, dad to a cute kid – got it, kinda witty – right on. Ok, I can spend a little time talking to him.

It begins as generic as most conversations do:

Hi, how are you (this is me. . .see how I have far more words than him?)

Good

Um. . .so am I supposed to respond to that? Did he change his mind about wanting to talk to me? Is he not a very good conversationalist? Is it my job in the online dating world to carry the conversation? So, I wait to see what happens next. You know what I get? Nothing. Then he is gone, offline. Really??? What was that? Now I feel bad about myself, how did I screw up Hi, how are you? I didn’t even know you could screw up Hi, how are you!!!

But then a little later he pops open a new IM window, no explanation of where he was, just

Does he not realize I am the same person he already pulled this rico suave line on? Being as difficult as I can be and not wanting to make the same mistake with the obviously to personal “how are you” I reply with

What are you doing?

Nothing, what are you doing?

Nothing. Just watching NCIS on tv.

Oh. . .

Yeah. . .It is a good show.

Yeah. . .

I know. . .right?!? If you think this is boring to read now just imagine how I felt that night actually having to endure this conversation! This is how it went on, I could try to bore you with a play by play, but I think you get the idea of what it was like! It never progessed past nothingness! . . .not loving my first experience with the online dating thing!

Ahh, but lets move to my next im, shall we?

Incoming IM from Magsincognito, again quick scan of profile: tall – check, attractive – check, no kids – check, big family – check. Ok. . .I will accept your IM! Again begins with the boring, generic crap until we get to the part when we talk about our jobs. I tell him that I am the Children’s Ministry Coordinator for a church, not which church because that was a tip from my mom to not share too much info! Then suddenly, my IM is bumped into overdrive because Magsincognito is sending me bible verse after bible verse after bible verse. I am huge in my faith, so much so that I have made it my job, but that does not mean that I want to get spewed googled bible verses. I didn’t know how to end the conversation, I tried by sending a quick. . .oops, gotta go kids are calling me, but I don’t think he saw it in his intense desire to send me the entire bible via IM. I couldn’t seem to get through to him but I so badly wanted to end this insanity. . what to do, what to do? I hit the little red X in the corner. I think I may have screeched a little too when I did it because I felt like I was hanging up on someone and felt a little bad about it!

Next “conversation”. . . .

Back to the email waiting in my inbox. . .I see a message from Pennaguy, I have now mastered how to single handedly jump from my inbox to the profile, scan quickly and back to the email in record time. It should be considered for an Olympic sport and I would be a worthy contender. Anyway, Pennaguy. . .height – check, has a job – always good (I feel my standards waning even just in reading the emails!), but wait. . .let me examine that picture a little closer. He looks so familiar to me, I know him from somewhere, but where? Ahh. . .I’ve got it! About a year ago I went out with some friends to the Blue Martini. It was a really fun “theme” night and we all dressed in animal prints. While there, I met Pennaguy, we chatted and at the end of the night exchanged phone numbers. The next day he called me to tell me that he wasn’t really interested in dating me because he wasn’t over his wife. Humiliation!!!! Well. . . here he is again. . now he is interested! We email for a few days and there was never really a spark in the conversation that inspired either of us to want to talk to each other on the phone. However, I did bring up the fact that we had met a year earlier and he simply said. . .yea, we could have. . I meet a lot of people there! Ugh, really? He didn’t even remember me! So sad!

Only after successfully charming me via IM, I would hand out my cell to the worthy men. Let’s meet Rodnoids, yes I know I should have known from that name, but I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. In the future, don’t give them the benefit of the doubt!

Rodnoids picture was in a tux, very handsome, profile was good. . very cute in IM world, not so much in the real world! He calls right when he says he will, good sign. He is very chatty, another good sign. Until I start listening to what he is saying. . . let’s listen, here are the highlights. .

Yea, my f#$% job sucks. .everyone there are f#$% losers and they are f#$% jealous of me because I make like 3 f#$%ing times more than them. Then when I was 5 I almost f$%^ing died so now I don’t take s@#$ from anyone because I know what it is like to almost f#$%ing die. Then I have a total f#$% slut cat, she will f#$% almost anything.

Oh my, I don’t even say anything, but I don’t have to because he is keeping himself busy with the f word and slut cats???? I don’t even know where to begin with dissecting this so I will allow you, my gentle readers to draw your own conclusions. But before you do, let me add when is it ever acceptable in conversation to use the expression f#$%ing slut cats?

My problem at that moment is I don’t know how to get a word in to get off the phone with him and you see above how troubling it was for me to “hang up” on someone via IM so I certainly couldn’t do it on an actual phone! So, what do I do? I shamefully pretend to talk to Morgan (who is asleep in bed) which he hears and stops talking for a moment then I say to him, “oh I’m so sorry but my daughter isn’t feeling well, I have to go.” Works like a charm! He is gone, with the request for me to call him back once I get her settled in. Yea, dude. . .I am pretending to talk to my sleeping daughter to get off the phone with you. . . I'm thinking I am not calling you back, but thanks for wanting to continue this lovely conversation!

As I mentioned above, you are probably shocked that I would be willing to actually venture out on a date after this, but I am a true soldier! I will not stop until my mission is complete! Ha!

Haters

2011-05-02T10:01:00.000-04:00

As part of this blogging process, I can see how many people look at my blog each day, what part of the world they live in, how many first time viewers versus returning viewers I have. I know I have mentioned before that the response to this little thing I have created has been amazing and from the part of the world that you see (on the blog) I only have 13 followers but I have about 100 people per day read it from all over the world. So, I will again say that the response has been AMAZING. However, when compared to someone who gets thousands of hits a day, it is peanuts but for me. . .I am pretty impressed.

The reaction that I have received in person has definitely surprised me. I have heard people tell me that I am freakin’ hilarious. I have received texts from people I don’t know (friends of friends) telling me that they are true blue followers and begging me to not stop writing. Of course this feels so good to my bruised ego and probably fuels me on to each new blog.

My friend Anthony texted me one night asking what he can do to make it into the blog . . .then he brainstormed different idea’s all night and what we came up with was: we would go out, get him drunk, have him puke on me then pass out naked on my front lawn. I know it sounds extreme, but he felt that he had to up his game in order to make the cut! I guess that speaks so very loudly at the crazy that has been my life lately!

Additionally, I have friends who don’t mind me writing about our conversations, but would prefer to have names changed and of course I will honor this. Or friends who feel for my safety I should change the names of my dates. . .noted and I am now changing all names!

Really where I am going with this blog about blogs is the haters. . .yes the haters! I have been writing this blog for the last couple weeks, it began because I love to write and I think that I may have a slight talent for it. However I am not a good fiction writer, I have only ever written about my life because as you see my real life is so much more crazy than I could ever come up with as fiction! But I am so tired of hearing people tell me:

I must have had some mental break to be doing this.

I must have gone a little off the deep end to publish my life.

I must be out to get someone (read between the lines as to who I would be out to get. . namely Travis) because that is the only reason I would do this.

I must have . . .

You can insert any criticism you like, I think you get the picture. It is so frustrating to me to hear this and not for the obvious reasons of “why doesn’t everyone love it?” But more for the fact that all the haters are from one segment in my life. All the haters congregate together and spend their “work” time hating someone who is actually doing something they love. What a miserable existence to spend your time being so critical of something that is becoming a success. You know what that is called, right? Yes. . .it is the green eyed monster called jealousy! They are all faithful readers, but instead of supporting me and encouraging what I am doing they choose call me crazy for it instead. I stand back and see objectively that they are not putting themselves out there, they are not trying something new that may fail or may bring them joy and success. It is so much easier to sit back in their dull lives and judge instead of take a risk at something great.

I understand that I will not please everyone with what I write. Some blogs will speak to you more than others. Some blogs I may try to be funny, some I may try to be deep. . .I may fail at both or I may just surprise everyone (myself included) and accomplish both. But through it all, I would hope that my “friends” and family would just want to support it no matter what because it has brought me through a very difficult time in my life and I am now on the other side of the darkness seeing happiness again. I guess I have learned who are truly friends and who are people that I really don’t want to associate with any longer because it is way to exhausting to have to watch my back from their gossip and pettiness. Just maybe someday they will make the decision to stop judging and start supporting! When that day happens, I would love to bring them back into the folds of my life.

To sum this up, my advice to all the haters is. . .if your only purpose for reading my blog is to pass judgment on me or to assume that you know why I am writing and what my experiences have been then just stop reading! If your purpose is to enjoy some light reading, laugh with me and share it with friends and family, then I welcome you with wide open arms.

Thank you for listening to me while I vent about those haters!

Know How to Make Dating Even Harder?

2011-04-28T09:12:00.000-04:00

There is a reason that God planned the order for life- date, marriage then kids because it is really hard dating with kids! Not only are you trying to figure out if you like this person then you have to think long and hard before introducing the kids to anyone because suddenly their hearts can get broken in the process too. Add to that after all that patient work, what if your kids don’t like him? It is especially difficult for me because my kids’ dad passed away a couple years ago. I do not have the every other weekend free like most single dating parents, my kids are with me all the time. I have arranged my life around them so much so that my job now includes them as well. I do love this, however it can make dating tricky because I don’t have a lot of free time to dedicate to dating. I have found the most successful time for me to date is lunch time. The kids are in school, ie no babysitter. I have a very flexible schedule at work, so lunches work for me. I have found that men do not seem to prefer lunch time as much as I do. . .or care for the kids as much as I do!

Case in point is Andrew. . . .Andrew is a new transplant to Florida. He has been vacationing here for years but just recently made his vacation permanent. He is 11 years older than me, which is not my ideal but remember I am trying to broaden my horizons! Keep those options open. . . you know?!? He has spent his life as an attorney, but is now waiting for the results of his Florida Bar. This made lunch an easy date for him as well because he isn’t working yet.

Anyway, we meet at a Vietnamese restaurant he picked out. Hmm. . never had Vietnamese food before so that was fun. A little scary because I had no idea what to order, but I kinda like it that he ordered for me. I like a guy that takes control of a situation! Anyway. . .back to the moment. . .lunch was great. . .good conversation, good guy, good date. Haven’t had too many of those. . .as you all know! Date ended with a quick hug in the parking lot and a nice compliment.

I have had a great time with you and would love to see you again, if that interests you?

In a lineup of all the guys in the world he probably wouldn’t make the top 10, he definitely looked 11 years older than me. . .maybe 15 years older. But he was a nice guy. . .what the heck!

So let’s move on to the 2^nd date. . . .more accurately the lack there of. How could such a good date end in nothing? Ahh. . .enter the children!

Andrew called two days later for a 2^nd date, but the best part was he wanted to get together for a hockey game that night. Um. . .yea. . I can’t date on short notice. I had to tell him no. . it sucked because as the words left my mouth, I could feel his interest dissolve, right there over the phone. Have you ever had that moment? You feel the words that will disappoint leave your mouth knowing full well that it will be doom for any future?

Anyway, there was no way I could have made that date. Andrew pulled together an attempt to sound polite.

Oh, ok. . .well why don’t I call you later this week to see if we can maybe arrange a time to get together.

Oops, there it was, call me later to make a date? Why not work out a time right now while we are both on the phone talking about getting together? Oh, yea because you don’t want to because I am not available enough for you! Needless to say. . .he didn’t call me later that week to arrange something!

So, single parents who are trying to eek out a moment to find your life partner, I feel your pain. As cliché as it sounds. . .if he is the right guy, he will wait. He will make it work. He will be excited about having your kids as part of his life! I know. .. I hate myself for even writing it and I am hanging my head as I write it, but I must believe that it is true!
Farewell

Custom Made Man

2011-04-26T07:15:00.007-04:00

I was reading an article in Redbook titled: Hot Fictional Husbands We Wish Were Real, the article went throughout TV history highlighting the made-up married men that make our hearts melt. As I was reading the list it made me day dream about building my own dream man. Think Starbucks order. . .grande, ½ fat latte with double shot espresso. .. made just the way you like it. If I could put together bits and pieces of each of the below listed men, I just may build myself the perfect guy . . . If only it were so easy, but it was a fun way to spend the afternoon!

Let’s get started with –

Mike Brady. . .you know. . . Here's the story of a man named Brady, he was living with three boys of his own … then his house gets taken over by three girls and their mom. Imagine for a second how that must have rocked the guys world but he never bats an eyelash. Ever notice on The Brady Bunch that Mike just easily became dad and Carol became mom to all the kids. Being a single parent myself and my kids not having any version of a dad, I want the guy to come in and not want to be step dad or part time dad. . .rather want to be their one and only dad! Ahh Mike. . .I could maybe do without the leisure suits and polyester though. . .

Then let’s throw in a cup of Jim Halpert from The Office – I believe I read somewhere that it's a fact that 99.99 percent of women will take a cute guy who can make them laugh over a gorgeous bore any day. So it's no wonder that boy-next-door Jim - with his quirky humor and dimply smile - just seems dreamier every season. Enough said. . .cute, funny and adorable guy that makes you laugh?

If you are a Lost junkie, this one may surprise. . Jin. I know, I know he starts out as a controlling jack-ass husband who I really loved to hate. My mom and I would spend days talking about what a jerk he was and how Sun deserved so much better. But then he transformed into a tender-hearted Romeo. A man who can admit his wrong ways and change them? Ladies. . .isn’t that what we all want???

Next I will add just a pinch of Derek Shepherd from Grey's Anatomy – Who wouldn’t love themselves a little McDreamy, He’s hot, his lopsided smile and he’s hot. . .but for me it is the way he takes on the crazy that is Meredith. I am lucky. . .I am only quirky which is so much easier to love. . .right! The one major negative with McDreamy. . .he works too much and I don’t want to be a second priority to my man’s job! That is why I will only throw in a pinch of McDreamy!

But a whole lot of George Banks of Father of the Bride 1 & 2 fame – I know I cannot be the only girl of any age who fell in love with George! When I was younger I wanted him as my dad. . .but now that I am older. . .would totally take him as my man! He's willing to do anything to make his wife happy, patient with the kooky wedding planner … hot sex on the kitchen floor. Give it up for the silver fox!

I can’t forget about Ray . . .Everybody Loves him! For me the best part of Ray is every night he walks through the door and calls Deborah a goofy pet name. . .Hey Chicken Little, I’m home. Or Hi doodle butt. ..what’s for dinner. How can you not love a guy who doesn’t fall into the same routine of calling you “babe” everyday? That takes time and talent to come up with a new name every time he sees you! Ray is a little too absorbed into his golf game. . .but the pet name thing. . .very cute!

And finally, for a little childhood fantasy. . . Ken . . you know. . .Barbie and Ken? Literally made for each other! How many times did your Ken and Barbie get married over the course of your childhood? But he makes up a smidge of my dream husband because, well, you can make him say whatever you want - "Yes, honey. You want an even bigger dream house? No problem!" I know. . I know. . .crazy, but there are those days when you just want your man to agree because you are right! Or because you think you are right! No discussion, no compromise, nor argument, just “yes, dear!” But when it comes to the big situations, I do want my man to take the lead and be the man.

I am sure I am missing some very important TV husbands I guess this is part one of building my custom made man. It is funny the things that you find important when building your man, things that you didn’t know you wanted. Maybe one of these days I just may meet this bizarre, custom blend of man. . . maybe at Starbucks?!? So tell me in the comments below. . .who would your custom blend be?

Ciao

Worst First Date Ever!

2011-04-21T09:28:00.002-04:00

Ok all. . .here it is, the big mama. . .the mack daddy. . .THE WORST FIRST DATE EVER! I know many of you have been patiently waiting for me to get to this date because it is so incredible, so unbelievable, so hysterically funny and I assure you that every word is complete truth. Some may believe that I am embellishing for the sake of this story but I promise that I am not, you just can’t make this stuff up!

Ready? Let’s begin!

Jeff and I had our date planned for Saturday night at 7:00, we are to meet at AZN for a 7:15 reservation. I arrive right at 7:00, don’t want to be too early but I certainly don’t want to be late so I slide in right on time, looking fabulous I might add! But I don’t see him, I peek around the restaurant and look around outside, nothing.

Ta-da ( I hope by now you realize that is my cell notifying me that I have a text)

Running late

Ok. . .doesn’t tell me much, how late? But at least I know I haven’t been stood up, which is a huge fear of mine! I wait patiently for his arrival which finally happens 30 minutes late. I could be really mad but he is surprisingly good looking, dark hair and the very big bonus of being tall. . measuring in at 6’5”. Ok, I can forgive being late for this tall drink of water!

Dinner begins with him ordering a beer and I order a glass of wine. . .quick break in our awesome conversation to place our orders and finally getting around to eating. This date is really going well, much to my surprise and joy. We are really clicking and the conversation is just flowing out of both of us. Until he says. . .

If I meet someone that I am interested in having a relationship with and I think we could have a relationship, I will stop talking to all other girls just to see where it will go with the girl I am interested in.

Nice, I think. .. finally a respectable guy. . .oh how wrong I was!!! Sadly he continued talking and this is what fell out –

But you shouldn’t look at my phone because after I talked to you last night to confirm our date I texted everyone I know just to keep my options open!

Uh. . .what??? I couldn’t have heard that right. . right? Oh, yes I did. . very clearly he told me that he has ZERO interest in having a relationship with me. I was taken aback for a moment, but at least he was honest that we would just be friends. I am ok with that. . .little sad because he is tall, dark and handsome but I now know that the date is over. . . .after he pays for dinner of course!

Do you want to go to Blue Martini? He asks.

I still have time on my babysitting meter so sure. . .why not! The conversation is still flowing pretty well as we walk through Mercato up to Blue Martini, find a table outside and we both order martini’s. Suddenly, three sips into his martini something happens. He slouches over the table, holds his head up with one hand and aimlessly doodles on the table with the other.

I really miss my ex-girlfriend. He slurs. She was amazing, but I knew she would never trust me. The writing was on the wall about that relationship so I had to end it because she would never trust me.

Are you freakin’ kidding me? Now he is drunk and rambling on and on and on about his ex-girlfriend? I don’t think this date can get worse. . .good thing for all of my readers. . .that it really can get worse.

I decide to not let the drunk rambler ruin my night out, so I sit back in my chair, listen to the music and smile at the cutie across the bar. Occasionally over the music I hear drunko talking but I am not even bothering with being polite by pretending to listen.

I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, not that I have to go but I just wanted to be away from my table for a moment and see what else was happening in the bar. I slowly wander my way to the ladies room, chat with the ladies about my date to which they all offered hugs and excuses for me to get away from him. Smiles, the sisterhood can be so sweet and supportive! Their laughter gave me the boost to go back to the table where I see that Mr. Omgiamsodrunk’s martini is gone. Ahh. . .now I have my way out of this nightmare.

Oh, you’re done. Let me just have another sip of mine and we can go.

To which his response is to sit bolt upright, grab my martini off the table, slam it down and look me square in the eye and say –

Let’s go make out in my car

What? I reply shocked, appalled and unable to hid my total booger face.

There’s a connection here babe. . . let’s go make out in my car. Besides, you’re obviously getting cold so let me warm you up. He says this as he reaches across the table and runs his finger over my boob.

A brief separation from the story for a moment, for those that do not know. . .I had breast cancer a couple years ago, my treatment involved a bi-lateral mastectomy. Needless to say, my headlights are not flashing any longer because I don’t have nipples! Yes, weird and freaky. . .but true! So his “cold” comment was really just his excuse to grab my boob, which following reconstruction. . .looks amazing but still no nips!

Back to the date. . .I am speechless and don’t even know how to respond to that. The last time I was asked to make out in a car was in high school when that was the only place to make out!

Um. . .I have to go. . my babysitters are waiting for me.

But, I’m too drunk to drive home. He pleads.

Oh. . .well. . .there is a taxi stand right over there. I say as I point to the entrance of Blue Martini.

No. . . I am going to come home with you and we will see how compassionate you are because I am drunk so I won’t perform the best but I will make it up to you next time.

Again. . you must be freakin kidding me? He thought I was going to sleep with him but even better than that, he thought he was so awesome that he wouldn’t even have to be good and I would still sleep with him! Ha!

Since there is no possible response to what he said, I just turned a walked away. No goodbye, no niceties of any kind, just a disgusted look, pivoted on my foot and walked away.

One with complete mental capacity would think that there would be no further communication following a date such as that, right? Ohh, ohh, ohh. .. fortunately that is not where the story ends. I received numerous phone calls for a few days after the date complimenting me for a great time and can’t wait to do it again. All phone calls were ignored but I couldn’t not listen to the voicemails! My curiosity was too great. That only lasted a couple days then life was quiet again, until. . . my phone blew up one day with texts –

Hi Annie, I’ve tried to play it cool, but I like you. Ive never been so honest (or open!) on a date before. I was under the impression things went well. (what, so open and honest about being bad in bed, way to go bud!?!)

Could you tell me what went wrong? I wont be upset. I will probably try to change your mind! I know I could be a good person in your life. (Yes, making out in the car is definitely good in my life!)

Don’t rush to conclusions about me. I have a lot of friends who are girls but no relationships at the moment. Still since our date I haven’t been dating. (You haven’t been dating because you are a loser!)

Also, I am doing very well financially if that’s a concern. If the 70’s aren’t good enough for you, not sure what to tell ya. (What!?! I don’t even have a retort to this one!)

You seemed to have a good time on our date, but no word. I feel Ive been used for a free margarita and dinner. Is that what you’re about then? (We didn’t have margarita’s. . .but I was using you? Really?)

Sorry for getting upset.

All the best to you. I was (unusually) sorely disappointed not to hear back but youll receive no more texts from me without hearing from you first ok? Bye

Finally, closing that chapter!

So my dear friends. . .that is the tale of the worst first date ever. I could be upset, insulted, offended by the whole thing. But I think it is one of the funniest experiences of my whole life and a story I will retell until it lives on in infamy!

Toodles

The Email. . . .

2011-04-18T14:39:00.002-04:00

I got an email from Travis. . .it made me feel so sad! It didn’t say much, he just thanked me for dropping off some of his stuff at Pelican Bay. I dropped it there on his day off so I wouldn’t have to see him, but I still wanted to look FABULOUS just in case because I haven’t had my “oops we ran into each other and I look amazing. . .eat your heart out” moment yet.

In my past dating experience when you break up, there is ongoing dialogue for a few weeks/months because there is second guessing and regret. This has been the hardest breakup ever because he moved out and that was basically it. No phone calls, no stopping by to talk to me. . .nothing. I still don’t get how I was so disposable. . . I just don’t get it.

Anyway, my point about the email, not only did it thank me for the stuff, but he asked if we could get together and just talk. Just talk. . .what does that mean? I was furious when I saw it. I immediately closed it and fumed for the rest of the afternoon. That may be a slight exaggeration since I was on vacation when I read it and I wasn’t about to ruin my trip because of him.

But I did ponder my desire to answer it. Part of me really does want to talk to him, maybe at the least get some understanding. However, as my BFF said, I may have to make peace with the fact that I will never know. The other part of me has no interest what so ever in speaking to him. . .ever! I didn’t respond because I didn’t know what I wanted. I had to talk to everyone I know and get their thoughts and input. I received very diverse responses. The most unhelpful was my friend Sue who refused to give me her thoughts and only said that she would support me no matter what. It is so much easier to have someone tell you what to do so if it goes bad, you have someone to blame!!!! I think she knew this and that is why she refused to answer. . .smart girl!

But my most helpful advice was from my friend Talia, she helped me walk through all my feelings about the email. First she asked if I would be able to forgive him to the point to be in a relationship with him again, which I don’t know if I could. How could I relax into a relationship with him knowing that at any minute he could just leave and not look back? But most importantly she pointed out that he wasn’t saying that he wanted me back. He wanted to “just talk”, which could be that he is looking to me to help him through his regret and remorse. In her opinion, and I agree, if he wanted me back. . .he would do whatever he could to get in front of me – face to face to talk to me. Not send me a lame email asking me to “just talk”. Ahh. . .so smart Talia! That changed the way I viewed the email and I know this doesn’t sound very Christian, but I don’t want to help him “recover” from us. As well, I couldn’t help him. . .I am not healthy enough or strong enough yet to give of me for him.

I am so glad I went for advice because this truly helped me see things from a very different perspective. And thus I decided that I would respond, but not in a conventional manner. Throughout the course of our relationship, we always communicated with music. It is an amazing feeling having the man you love send you songs describing how much he loves you, play something that he spent weeks learning to play, sing a quiet breathy song in my ear as I fall asleep. I think I have been spoiled for every future man because I now know that I want to be wooed with music. Because of our history with music, I decided to send him a song that helped me express how I felt. It seemed the best way to communicate with him since obviously old fashioned talking was not one of our strongest methods of communication.

I simply replied with –

Since you respond best to music, I think this about sums up my feelings.

And I attached a link to Jar of Hearts. . . to sum it up it states –

No, I can't take one more step toward cause all that's waiting is regret, you lost the love I love the most, you’re going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul and you broke all your promises.

It does have additional lines, of course, but I felt that those pretty much summed up my feelings about the whole situation. I know, I know. . .it sounds harsh, but I am hurt and sad and I feel connected to that song.

No surprise that I haven’t heard from him since and I don’t expect to, this is just one more brick on the road to recovery and healing. We each heal in our own ways and in our own time. Don’t feel ashamed if you do not heal in a way that someone else approves of, they do not know the road that you have walked. Don’t feel disappointed in yourself if you don’t recover the way someone else would. I have heard through the grapevine that he thinks I am acting crazy, he is totally welcome to his opinion, but he has not been through what I have. I will not feel regretful that I am writing and sharing my experiences in this blog or on my Facebook page!

So, my friends. . . .I am not encouraging you to act crazy (think bunny on the stovetop) but definitely grant yourself the luxury of feeling the emotions that you are feeling and don’t apologize for having those feelings! The sooner that you move through all those feelings means you are so much closer to feeling better and moving on with someone else who is a better match for you!

Aloha

Who is Manzie?

2011-04-14T08:35:00.001-04:00

Who is Manzie? Let’s take a look at that and begin with the fact that this is truly his name. . .I guess when his grandfather came to America, his name was Manzie but he changed it to Joe to be more American. Manzie’s parents wanted to have connection to their roots and named their child after grandpa. The funniest part is he has a sister name Jenny and a brother named Steve. . . wow, two of the most average names and you get Manzie? Parents did not like you so much!!!

Anyway, getting back to my point, my date with Manzie. . .we talked on the phone one day, nice conversation but nothing that I even remember at this point (good thing this is not pertinent to the story!) Following our conversation, he proceeded to text me several times a day. . .nothing creepy, just nice little messages –

Goodmorning, hope you have a great day.

I am playing tonight, can you come by to see my band?

Goodnight. . .sleep well.

Looking forward to meeting you tomorrow.

But it was several times per day! It was nice to get the attention but it freaked me out. I am all down with the cute texts once we are in a relationship, but too much too soon is scary!

I meet Manzie for some amazing Pad Thai... if nothing else out of the deal, I got a great meal. Oh, my. . .so sad watching my standards continue to drop. Instead of trying to find a great guy, I am reduced to looking for a good meal!

Stay focused, Annie. . .

Manzie is shorter than he said he was, which put him at my height. I can live with that but disappointed in the false description. . . He is nice, kind, sweet. . .the trifecta of boring, the perfect storm of dull. The best part of our lunch was the Pad Thai, which again, was amazing. I don’t know if I entered the date freaked out by the over attentive texts and that is why I wasn’t interested or if he is just boring and that is why I wasn’t interested. Or, maybe I was just a little surprised that he could actually carry on a conversation unlike Blind Date Dave!

Fast forward through our nice but boring lunch, standing at our cars, Manzie asks me out for a second date. Oh, do I really want to do this again, I think. He is nice and could carry on a conversation but again, I have no idea what we talk about. It was all just so nice! I hope no one ever describes me as nice. . .ever!! As I am thinking about what I want to do. .date again or not date again, he adds. .

I want to be completely honest with you and let you know that I am married but I hope that wouldn’t get in the way of us seeing where this connection between us would go. Because I really enjoyed our date and would love to see you again.

Whoa. . .boring Manzie just got himself a lot more interesting! Not that I want to date him, but hold the presses! Married!!!! Um, if you wanted completed honesty, wouldn’t you have told me how short you really are or that you were married prior to our first date? I don’t know. . .I would consider that complete honesty. . what do you think?

I shocked myself by being able to get the words out without laughing . .

Uh. . No! But thanks for asking!

And even more proud of myself for saying no in person. . I am really developing that backbone! As I am driving home, shaking my head about yet another failed date. . .”ta da” my cell lets me know I have a new text.

I am behind a beautiful, amazing sweetheart of a girl

Um, creepy. . is he following me home?? “Ta-da” another text.

Reconsider another date, I would love to take you out!

Yep. . .still creepy!

I continued to get messages like that for 3 days following our date, to which I did not respond to one. Finally he got the message (or lack thereof!) that I was not interested in becoming his mistress! But I will never forget the amazing Pad Thai. . .

Ahh, well my friends. . .another one out of the way and still the quest continues!

Auf Wiedersehen

The Beach

2011-04-11T09:44:00.000-04:00

Saturday was a beautiful day for the beach, the kids and I packed up all our goodies and settled into a perfect spot in the sun. Seated beside me are 4 women, maybe a mom, daughter and 2 aunts? The assumed daughter is the youngest of the group, perhaps early 30's. As the kids and I are building a sand castle, I can't help but over hear the daughter talk about online dating. I pretend to focus on the kids' super important sand castle but my complete attention is focused on eavesdropping on this girl.
Online dating is the worst, there are so many creepy guys on there and I don't think it's possible to meet any normal, healthy men on the internet. The last guy I was talking to sent me a message asking me if I wanted a cat. I told him no and he sent me a message back saying he would come over and feed it everyday, without a shirt on so I could enjoy the view of his 6 pack.
The 2 aunts both laughed and I smiled on the inside feeling connected to her dating misery, but mom being a good and perfect mom got mad that someone would talk to her daughter like this and popped back with -
You tell him that if he tries to show up without a shirt on I will shoot him with my BB gun!
I actually had to bite my lip to keep from laughing or they would realize that I was totally listening to them. I am not sure what kind of damage mom could do with her BB gun or really why she would have one!
As funny as this exchange was, it did make me think about how different dating is now versus in the past. Since I am not that old, when I say past I am referring to even just 10 years ago. Both men and women act in ways that make me uncomfortable so I can only imagine how mom felt and why she was threatening to bust out her BB gun! The gender roles have gotten so blurred that men don't act gentlemanly, they feel they can get away with crude inappropriate behavior because with so many women, they can. Conversely, women try to "slut" it up in order to keep up with what other women are doing. I remember a quote that was posted by a friend on Facebook, "If males would stand up and be men then more women would sit down and be ladies." I, for one want my man to stand up and I want to sit down! (Of course this is when I get a man!)
I guess I am old fashioned, I want someone who gives good woo, call me, bring me flowers, open the door for me. Not send me naughty messages before I even meet them telling me that they will take their shirt off so I can enjoy the view. I may enjoy the view, but I want to enjoy it once we have gotten to know each other. . .and not before!
I know this post is not really about me and my dating, but it made me feel happy inside that this poor girl at the beach is going through the exact same dating misery that I am!
Au Revior!

The Blind Date

2011-04-08T16:10:00.000-04:00

I told myself that I would only allow myself to grieve for Travis until moving day, perhaps premature, but I was so tired of feeling bad. I opened up my life to my friends and family for blind dating. I had never been on a blind date before in my life so I was a little excited to see what would happen. As I said last time, I was never really a great single person, so embracing singlehood seemed appealing.

My first set up came quickly, I guess my friends and family were eager to help me move on. . .they too were tired of hearing me cry, whine, complain. . . that is so not me!

I was set up with a guy named Dave, he is super nice, fun to be around, cute. . . this is according to my friend and you will soon learn that I have a very different opinion! I talked to Dave on the phone to set up our date, which to be safe would be at Starbucks, easy to make a quick escape if necessary and you will soon see it was necessary.

I texted Dave that morning to let him know I would be wearing a grey skirt and black shirt. Sounds sexy, right? Well in actuality, I have lost 13 pounds on the broken heart diet and most of my clothes don’t fit anymore. I am forced to dress like an 80 year old lady and only wear anything with an elastic waist! Since I am not retired yet, my closet does not contain a lot of elastic and sadly I only own a couple of skirts that fit. . .

I arrive at Starbucks at the scheduled time and walk in with butterflies in my stomach. . .I am so nervous! I scan the restaurant but I don’t see anyone waiting for me. After a moment, I get a text –

Did you just walk in?

I glance around again and still don’t see any possible owner of the text. I text back –

Yes

Then nothing. Did he see me in the parking lot and he is not interested? Ouch! Is he watching me like a crazy stalker? Creepy!

About 2 minutes later, an agonizing wait for me as I feel my self esteem dropping by the second, the door opens and Dave walks up to me. He looks me up and down with a grimace on his face, puts out his hand and introduces himself.

Oh, boy. . . this is not going to be a good date! He couldn’t even look at me without distaste spreading across his face, oh and you should know that he was not a super hottie either. . .he should have felt lucky to go out with a cutie like me! But, being a cup half full kind of girl, I slap on a smile, spritz on some charm and get to work trying to enjoy this date.

We sit down and smile awkwardly at each other. He is obviously not going to make this easy, so I begin the small talk.

What do you do?

I work for Fish and Wildlife.

Oh, that must be interesting.

It is.

Hmmm. . .crickets. . . he doesn’t want to talk about himself, so I will talk about me and see if that gets a conversation going.

I work for a church as the Children’s Ministry Coordinator. I just started a few months ago, but I love it! I get paid to have a blast with kids.

Still nothing. . .I will not give up yet. .

Do you have any kids?

Yes

Boy or girl? How old?

Boy, he is 15.

Ahh. . I have 2 kids, 9 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. They are amazing. It shocks me how different they are.

I am really trying but I feel like I am talking to a wall. I tried to get him to open up by asking about his family, his hobbies, travel, sports, the economy, his house (I heard pre-date that he just bought), animals, the weather, the beach, BP oil spill. . . .

But I never got more than one or 2 word answers, it was painful! After about 35 minutes, I glance at my watch in an exaggerated movement so he would see and gasp at the time (my, how it had flown by!)

Oh, I really have to go and pick up my kids from school. Oops. . I may have told a little lie, but I think it was warranted given the circumstances!

I stand to leave, he remains seated. Since he can’t bring himself to stand I certainly shouldn’t expect the chivalry of him walking me to my car. Which I say a quick prayer of thanks for!

Thank you for the coffee, it was nice meeting you. All while thinking to myself, it was not nice meeting you. . .you suck! But it just seemed like the proper thing to say. I make it to my car in record time. Fortunately I have about an hour and a half before I have to pick up the kids so I can wipe off that horrible date before seeing them.

Now, if you think that was good. . .wait until you hear this! I get a little “ta-da” from my phone that night indicating that I have a new text.

It was so nice meeting you today and I would be honored to take you on a second date.

Are you flippin’ kidding me???? Was he on the same date as me??? Is he crazy??? That was so painful sitting with him for 35 minutes, why would I subject myself to that again? Not sure if I want to respond or not, I remember a class I took long ago about courage. I certainly don’t have very much courage, but since I am starting to turn a new leaf with an active dating life, I should try to grow a backbone too. Plus, helping him understand that he is a miserably dull person would be like completing community service, right?

I am surprised that you would ask me on a second date. I felt like you had zero interest in anything having to do with me or our date.

There. . .that seems fair, honest and hopefully helpful.

I don’t know why you thought that, I think you are beautiful, articulate, engaging and fun. I would still be honored to take you on a second date.

When I don’t respond right away, I get this text.

Could you maybe pinpoint what I did that made you feel that I wasn’t interested?

Um. . .seriously? Maybe, your lack of desire to leave your car to come meet me, the disgusted look on your face when you saw me, your complete inability to have any conversation with me, shall I go on???

See, this is why I usually choose the wimpy way out and not respond. I attempted my community service but now I am going to ignore any and all future messages. I can’t teach him how to date, I am still in the infancy stages myself and I certainly can’t teach him to be polite. . .that was his momma’s job!

Ahh well my friends. . .date number 2 out of the way and totally blog worthy! I think I may be sad when I do meet a really good guy because then what will I write to you about?

Adios!

Day 1

2011-04-05T14:24:00.000-04:00

So, after some thought and consideration, I thought that my newly appointed dating life was far too funny to not share with my friends and family. Perhaps I could make someone laugh, spare someone from the same mistakes I make. . .who knows!

Let me begin by saying that I was unceremoniously dumped by my fiancé. I was crazy about him, loved him so much and was planning to spend the rest of my life with him. Everyone who met him thought I was so lucky because I got one of the good ones. The Monday following Super Bowl Sunday, I dropped the kids off at school, came home to see what we would be doing as it was his day off. He told me that he was not happy and he was moving out. I asked him if we could talk about it and he replied, there is nothing to say. He left. I didn’t hear from him for a couple weeks when I got an email containing completely generic platitudes. A week later he came over to tell me that his psychic told him that he is not the person who is supposed to raise my kids and he moved his stuff out. (I swear, he had us all fooled into thinking he was a good guy. . .but a psychic???? Really???)

So, now I have moved into the realm of dating. Ugh. . .I am not a good single person. Some people love it and prefer it. Or pine over their single days now that they are coupled up. Not me. . .I am a relationship kind of girl. I struggle with flirting, I ache over rejection, I expect things that I guess are not the norm any longer. . .like a guy being respectful, paying for dinner, good old fashioned wooing. . you get it. But in a relationship. . .ahhh a relationship. . .I am compassionate, loving, kind, mothering (but not in a weird way and not smothering) . I look forward to days at the beach as a family, bike rides to the ice cream parlor after dinner, cuddling on the couch once the kids have gone to bed, little texts throughout the day just to let him know I am thinking about him. Yes, I am very good in a relationship!

The prospect of having to date again has filled me with dread and fear, but I put on my brave face and plugged forward. But where does one meet someone who is not married, gay or crazy? I live in a FAMILY neighborhood, so my community pool is out because they are all married. I have found that Home Depot seems to be teaming with men assumingly not gay? Possibly married and possibly crazy. During the remodel of my bathroom, I did spend a lot of time at Home Depot and was only asked out once, but that was when I was waiting to see if Travis would come back to me so I declined. . .damn him for screwing up what could have been my future husband!!!

My first attempt did come not too long following moving day. Picture this:

I am sitting at Starbucks, just to get out of the house and feel like I was part of a world and not so alone in my empty house while the kids are at school. Sitting beside me is a blond man, perhaps 40, perhaps gay? He seemed to have a very feminine vibe about him. He smiled. I think to myself that he is not really my type, but good practice. . .dust off my flirt to see if I am still capable? Ok, I smile back. He says hi and voila. . .conversation with a man. Albeit, a man I am not interested in dating. . .but still a man!

We go through the basics, what is your name. . Annie, and yours? Michael. Have you lived in Naples long? Blah, blah, blah.

But wait. . .here is where it gets interesting. What do you do? I ask (still on the small talk) to which he replies he works for a golf cart company and he is the district manager covering all of SWFL. Hmm. . .lightbulb. Is Pelican Bay one of your clients? I ask. (For those who do not know yet, Pelican Bay is my former employer. This is where I met Travis but we couldn't date while we both worked there so I quit to be with him and he dumps me, which is why I am home during the week while the kids are at school. For the sake of this story, the most important part is that Travis is the Transportation Manager in charge of all the golf carts. . . Ahhh. . .did you just have the lightbulb moment too?)

Yes. . actually they are one of my largest accounts. Michael replies to me.

Gulp. . .do I ask or do I just want to let it lie? Of course I ask.

Do you know Travis?

Yea, I work with him a lot, you know him too? Michael replies.

Yes, I used to work at Pelican Bay. My mind is racing. . .do I go any further? Tell Michael the truth? Well, let’s examine my options.

1) Tell him that I used to date Travis and then he may be uncomfortable around Travis in the future.

2) Don’t tell him but then he might ask Travis about me. That could be really beneficial to bugging Travis if Michael was super cute. But I don’t think Travis will care because he will see that Michael is not my type.

I opt for option number 1. I tell him that Travis and I used to date, but I do this for a very calculated reason. I am not interested in Michael but because I am not very good at turning someone down, I hope by telling him this he will not be very interested in me! But I will still blame Travis for screwing up yet another possible husband!

Blast. . .it does not work. He asks for my phone number. . now I am faced with one of three more decisions.

1) Give it to him but not answer when he calls – told you I was a total wimp!

2) Say thanks, but no thanks – totally not going to happen, see above at the total wimp comment!

3) Give him the wrong number with a smile.

What do you think I did? I bet you all guessed number 3. . .right? Ha, wrong! I did number 1 with the plan on not talking to him, but I manned up. When he called, I told him it was very nice meeting him, but I was not ready to begin dating yet.

Ok, so the first one was out of the way. . .although it was not a formal date I am still counting it and feeling it was worthy enough for my blog. . .

Caio!