Welcome to Amy's world

Health

2019-04-08T22:04:00.000-05:00

I've been AWOL yet again. I always mean to come back and start writing again but life has been so horribly hectic with everything going on. It's been a year since I cut bio-mom out of my life. Stress wise, it's the best thing I could have done. The constant feelings of never being "good enough" or "worthy" of her time. love and attention were issues I didn't need to experience while dealing with other issues.

When I started writing on here, I knew I had health issues.... many joint issues and surgeries. The why wasn't anything I had bothered to even try to figure out. It was... and still is... my life. Fall a foot, rip 7 tendons off 2 shoulders. Yep... that's me. 2 tummy surgeries, 2 prolapses, back issues, fatty tumors, 12 joint surgeries and never-ending joint issues. Welcome to my life. And then a doctor finally put it all together. I was diagnosed with EDS... Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. They affectionately call us "Zebras". The reasoning behind it is that doctors are taught that when they "hear hoof beats to think of horses - not zebras" In other words, think simple and common - don't go looking for the exotic. But we are the exotic. Misunderstood and misdiagnosed constantly. People thinking that we "look healthy = we must be faking or we are healthy". Our pain and issues overlooked and we're called "pain seeking or drug addicts", "hypochondriacs", of just plain "crazy". We couldn't possibly have the issues that we complain about and how can people hurt in different places by the hour or week. How can someone who (at that time) hadn't turned 40 yet, be looking at their 10th joint surgery. How can we do the "parlor tricks" that come with being hyper-mobile and look fine yet be living in never-ending pain and collapse without warning.

So what is EDS? It's a genetic disorder. It is a SYNDROME which is how so many of us go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. While there are similarities with people who have EDS there are 14 (currently) sub-types of which the "experts" have changed the number and name of the sub-types as well as the diagnosing criteria several times just in the last few years. People who were considered to have Hypermobile EDS (hEDS) - some of them have now been dropped down into a sub-category known as Hypermobile Spectrum Disorder (HSD). Since there's no genetic marker for hEDS - from what I can tell, it depends on the doctor and how he feels you fit the current criteria. Good luck. Some people have all kinds of issues with docs and support. I've been fairly lucky that I've had good luck with finding decent docs. My doc came to me with a diagnosis and since then, I've had 3 other docs confirm. There are genetic markers for some sub-types but not all. Even people with the same sub-type might react differently to the different treatments (of which there are many and differing ideas even within the medical community of what works). We have different co-morbidities (different other diseases that come along with the syndrome). Our collagen is faulty. Some people say ... well, take collagen or collagen substitutes. I had (what I thought was) a good friend tell me to "just take vitamin C and you'll be cured". Yep. Taking vitamin C encourages collagen production. The problem being... "normal people" who make collagen make cake mix. People with EDS make brownie mix. So even if I took a supplement to make more collagen (like Vitamin C), I'd make more brownie mix. It's not going to change what my body makes. Adding more flour to a brownie mix doesn't change it into a cake. Adding more brownie mix to brownies doesn't make a cake. You just have more brownies. And what makes it harder is no one knows yet why we're defective. We just are. All they can do at this point is manage the symptoms and damage and different docs who are "specialists" can't even make up their minds or come to a consensus as to what works best. Because for some people PT is king. You build the muscles up to where you incur less damage. And maybe that works for the younger ones suffering if they catch it before too much damage is done. But what about people like me? People who have already done more damage to their body (unknowingly) than can even potentially be fixed. Well, sometimes PT works, sometimes it doesn't. Depends on the joint and the amount of damage that I've already done. Depends on if the PT has ever heard of EDS before. Anyone want to do an experiment, just out of curiosity - ask any or all of your docs if they've ever heard of it. Let me know how many of them have any familiarity with it at all.

So the current excitement in my life.... Joy at getting a walker. One of the ones with a seat so I can get out and about more. The other joy was finding out I wasn't crazy. Yep. Find out I have a syndrome with no cure and a death sentence and be happy. Because there is a reason I feel like this. There is a reason I've gone thru all this. My body is defective... not my mind. Ok, maybe my mind is a little defective but I wasn't imagining all the hell I was going thru. Now I just go thru hell wondering when the idiots in charge are going to mess with my medicine and confine me to bed on a permanent basis. But that's a rant for another time. I really don't want to dwell on that fear right now. The more idiots screw up, the more the idiots in charge punish the people they can get at. They can't stop criminals from breaking the law because by definition... that's what criminals do. And if they'll break 1 law - they'll break 10. So since they can't control the criminals, they punish the innocent. It's disgusting and a shame that this is what the world has come to. I've lost several online acquaintances. They committed suicide... They couldn't deal with the pain and the outlook of knowing it will never get better and there's no relief. Quality of life non-existent. Nothing to look forward to other than never-ending pain. And if you've never had to deal with pain like that to where you can't function, can't breathe thru it, can't move, can't sleep, can't function to where it feels like your whole body is going to explode- congrats to you. Take the worst pain you've ever felt. Imagine that you live with that non-stop. Never-ending and that's all you have to look forward to then take away 95% of the people that have been in your life. Because that's what happens when you become disabled and can't get out and about to socialize - your friends and even your family do a disappearing act. You're no "fun". You're "never around". You "never want to go out". FALSE. We would love to be around. We would love to go out. We are simply incapable. So people just abandon you. So you're trapped in a pain-filled hell mostly alone.

Welcome to our world.

Disease

2018-06-15T17:46:00.000-05:00

So, in the midst of all the chaos over the last several years, the docs finally came up with a label for all my quirky joint issues. I mean, it's only taken 30 years and 18 surgeries for them to get it right. What I have used to be (or maybe still is) considered part of the Ehlers-Danlos spectrum. Luckily for me, I don't have the issues with my skin that are so prevalent with EDS. I get the cigarette paper scarring, the indented scars, the longer healing time. But I don't have elastic skin nor do I tend to bleed as badly as those with the total EDS syndrome. Always something to be thankful for right? What I have is still part of the EDS spectrum, just a new formal name. Lucky aren't I? They call it "hypermobility spectrum disorder". What is it? My joints aren't put together correctly. Nothing that I haven't been dealing with for years. Just a new name. Basically, I have a collagen issue in my connective tissues. I tear easily. Like seriously? I already knew all this. I'm on surgery #18 I think it is coming up. I'm more bionic woman than real human at this point. My knees were equatable to those of a 90 year old woman 13 years ago. I'm scared to hear where they're at now. I snap, crackle and pop more than a bowl of rice crispies. On the plus side. I know why I'm falling apart. I now have a name for my random heart spells and a way to treat them. Heart spells? Oh they're oh so much fun. I go to stand up, my blood pressure drops to some ridiculously low level, my heart starts racing, my chest starts pounding, I break out in a sweat and get shaky. On the plus side - I can sit down, eat something salty and drink some gatorade and it goes away like it came. Quickly and quietly like a thief in the night. Usually leave a headache behind but not a migraine so I can deal with it. I'm actually extraordinarily lucky. There are people in my support group who are wheelchair bound before 25. Despite the docs telling me that I would have to use a cane or walker full-time by now - I don't. Not full-time at least. On the plus side - I know I'm not crazy. I've gotten tests, seen a cardiologist and I have a treatment plan. There is an actual name for why I end up in surgery every few years with something else in pieces and a joint I'm no longer able to use until they reconstruct something.
Here's the bad thing. The heart issue - can be set off by stress. The docs say "no stress! Keep the stress to a minimum!". Have they met my children? Obviously not! Some of them live to make my life hell. Last night, one of the bonus ones went whining to their significant other because I said something to her about being rude. She was. She expected me to do something that I would have done and I was going to do it. But my point was that common courtesy would have suggested that she at least ask instead of assume and basically tell me that this was what I had to do. Ummm no honey. You're not my boss and physically this was something that could be a toss up as to if I could do it depending on if I was in a flare up.. I mean, I can't always even drive anymore. I went over 6 weeks without being allowed to drive after my last surgery. B was my hero since he ran me all over and took care of groceries and everything with never a complaint. I spent 4 days in the hospital last surgery. It was awful. Amy had to work nights but came up every morning. B slept in the awful, hard chair next to the bed. Tim and Shayna came up and Shayna even had dinner with me. Surgery - 15 min from where Jay and Dani live.... didn't hear from them. They didn't come see me when I got home until they wanted to know if I would keep the baby. With my arm in a sling and me unable to use it. I am not looking forward to having the other arm done. But the inability to move the arm without severe pain isn't leaving me many options.
Anyhow, the stress last night, set off the heart issues - of course. Funny thing is - kid knows I have the heart issue. Obviously doesn't care since he blew me up from his number till I blocked both him and his significant other. Had him blocked on FB messenger from his blow up still from last month. (something else petty where he spent hours blowing my phone up until I blocked him). The thing is - everyone kept telling me that his girlfriend was the one running back to him and stirring the pot. And I have stood up for her repeatedly. Taking her side when the other kids have said that she was stirring drama. I thought better of her than that. I have taken her side more than once when the subject has come up with the other siblings and their better halves. Yesterday, there was no avoiding the truth that the whole blowup with my son could have been avoided if she hadn't of instigated it. He (of course) had to drag his brothers into it and talk trash about them as he was being ugly with me. I know this is cryptic and I apologize. His ugly knew no boundaries last night and it honestly all comes down to jealousy. One brother has a small child and 2 others are expecting at the same time. God forbid they all be happy for each other. Instead we have one that is ugly jealous. Now, according to him and his other half - they're not. But the constant issues and pouting at a siblings gender reveal sure shows an ugly side of jealousy. Then there are the comments about the baby showers and other little snide comments made. If it's not jealousy - they're sure giving a great example of what jealousy looks like. So, PoTS episode (thats what my heart issues are called) last night and I let the kid get to me. To where it was almost 3 before I could get to sleep (back up at 6) and ended up having slight issues most of the day today. As of now, kid is still blocked and so is his other half. Until my health issues calm back down, I have to keep them that way. I am at the point where my health has to come first. I am out of grace periods to give. It has become very apparent that this child seems to want to push me into a heart attack and I refuse to let him take his hissy fits to the detriment of my health. So I will disengage. Guess I''m going to have to go talk to my doctor again and ask them if there's something else I can do when things like this happen. Well, one of the boys is on their way here. I have Fathers Day stuff for all of them. Might not get to see him Sunday with his work schedule so we are playing catch up today. Have a great weekend!

We're growing

2018-05-16T12:20:00.001-05:00

When I started this blog, it was just me and 5 kids. I went looking for step-mom blogs. Mostly because I needed to know that step-moms weren't all Attila the Hun like the one my kids had. Randy's wife was a piece of work. Her name was Dawn. She had 2 kids and didn't want my kids around to interrupt her psychotic need to take over my life. Literally, she moved into the house Randy and I shared within hours of the kids and I leaving. My kids would call their dad and she would refuse to put Randy on the phone saying things like "you can just talk to me, I'm your mom now". Randy never got messages that the kids had tried to call and eventually Dawn's obnoxiousness made it to where they didn't want to call. When Randy and Dawn got married, they had a huge wedding. 7 attendants on each side. Dawns kids were in the wedding - mine weren't invited. Then when we saw them post wedding - she spent the entire supervised visit telling the kids about their wedding and the cruise and trip to Disney that she and Randy took her kids on. Yeah - that went over well with my kids. Not. It was a systematic destruction of the relationship between a father and his children. Followed up by having her kids start calling Randy "dad" within months of them getting together. Before her divorce was even final.
Anyhow, I went looking for step-mom blogs. I knew that not all step-moms were manipulate, hateful women like the one my kids were stuck with. I wanted to find and follow those women who were loving, supportive women who wanted their step-kids in their lives. And I found them in spades. Loving women who went to Hell and back for those bonus kids that they didn't have to love yet did with a fierceness equal to the way I loved my kids. They were moms in every aspect of the word. Just like my mom had been to me. Biology didn't matter at all. They dealt with egg donors who were as psychotic as my kids step-mom and my egg donor both are. These wonderful women gave me hope and kept me from becoming bitter. I found them. I followed them. I became friends with many of them - even off our blogosphere. They supported me thru episodes of crazy with Randy and Dawn, then when Dawn became another divorce and Randy got with Monica who modeled her behavior after her predecessor. She was as hateful as Dawn and another one who didn't want my kids anywhere around. They helped keep me sane as my sweet little babies became terrible teens with attitudes and mouths to match. They were there when my middle son became a teenage father and my joy in the birth of my first grandchild.
And then for a many of years my life became seriously boring. My kids grew up. Moved out. Moved on. Became productive members of society and left me without much to write about. Life was hectic but yet semi-normal. Randy went to prison and was gone for several years. No attempted contact with the kids. I begged him to make things right. Told him to make the effort before it was too late. He kept thinking he could do it "tomorrow". And when he got out and he had Hep C and liver issues, his sister - Sheila- remembered he had kids. Those same kids she had ignored and pretended didn't exist for so many years were suddenly of interest. She called Tim and asked him to donate 1/2 his liver. A phone call that didn't end in a way she appreciated but one I expected. (still glad I didn't bet the kid that $100). Life was busy yet in a way boring and I quit writing. And, let's all be honest. FB came along and we all jumped on that bandwagon and lost this very important community of support....

Well in the last year, my life has turned upside down and sideways, In some ways - it's been a good thing. In some ways... I'm still trying to survive each day. Elmer is growing up and becoming independent and an adorable young man. He is still loving and sweet but all into friends, video games and sports. He has been joined by a new cousin this last year - little Jay. Yep - after 14 years, Jay and Dani had a baby. A little miracle boy who is as sweet and loving as his cousin, Elmer. Another Grandbaby for this Memaw to love on. Tim finally found the one that drives him nuts and makes him happy. She is perfect for him and I'm happy for them both. I'm also happy that come August, they will give this family our first little princess to love on. Our first girl. Bows and lace. Or as Tim posted : "Now accepting donations for anything pink, purple, bows, and bail money". And after 6 years, innumerable obstacles, and tons of heartache from Amy's family - my baby is going to be a daddy. Now let me tell you ... as a mom that is a thing of both unmeasurable joy and at the same time... a kick in the teeth at how old I am. My baby. My sweet little boy who used to tell me "mommy I hold you" when he wanted to get picked up. My little guy who used to tell me that he needed to "rememberize" his spelling words is going to have a baby of his own. Now, I have no doubt that he will be an absolutely wonderful daddy. Both of his nephews adore him. Elmer was not exactly over-joyed that he was going to have to share "his B" but B and Amy made sure that Elmer knew he would always be very important to them. I have no doubt that they will continue to let Elmer know how special he is.
On the other hand, my mom died. And that could fill pages all in itself. Grief is funny and ugly and on some days - overwhelming. I think I'm doing ok then the next thing I know, I can't breathe from the pain. And I never know when those waves of overwhelming pain are going to hit and crush me. And Randy died. And that is a different kind of pain. A dull ache of regret that he didn't see his boys grow into men and become dads themselves. A sadness that he never got to enjoy the pure pleasure of becoming a grandpa, of having little arms squeeze your neck till you can't breathe while telling you how much they love you. Grandchildren are our reward for not eating our young. They are the bonus we get for not either killing our teens or committing suicide while living in the teenage battle zone. They are the reminder that we did something right in life as we watch the joy our children have in their own kids. And Randy and I made our peace before he died. We talked things out and if anything - became friends again. He shared a lot there with me at the end. Asked to come home. A request I couldn't grant. Now, a part of me wishes I had. He tired to make things right there at the end. But he ran out of time like I had always warned him he would. In a way, I also grieve the loss of the egg donor. For all her crazy, I always felt (what was probably an unhealthy) a need for her approval and acceptance. I never got it but for some reason, I wanted it. I guess its that need of the unwanted child needing to not feel unwanted anymore. Like I said - unhealthy obviously because all I did was to get hurt more as I tried desperately to please a woman who is never going to be happy or pleased with anyone. Her husband can't ever do anything right. Her kid can't ever please her (of course, he is an abject failure but that's beside the point). I spent years bashing my head into a brick wall trying to be accepted by someone who rejected me as an infant and all I did was waste my time.
Anyhow, in all the chaos, I found my "voice" again. My fingers seem to know what to say even when I never know what I'm about to "talk" about. So I'm back to my therapy couch or better known as a keyboard. Typing out things to work thru them in my head. Trying to figure out where life will take me next. And trying to stay sane in the midst of all the insanity that this world has come to. God bless.

Adoption .... part 2

2018-05-15T12:53:00.001-05:00

So, to continue... After my egg donor decided that lying to Tim and Shayna was a good idea, I had had enough. She wasn't sorry at all. It was all about her. Her feelings were hurt. I made her feel bad by asking her to not lie on me. She went straight to Tim whining. And she neglected to mention that she was playing little games because she needed him and his help since her son ruined his heart and body with drugs and can't help them at all. Physically. He goes to the grocery. Something that her husband used to do until he took so many falls. But her husband needed help getting in the shower, and even getting into bed. I was going over there and helping her. I drove her to the doctor for a biopsy in the middle of an ice storm. Over-night. So many times we went out of our way to help her and she just expects it. But she isn't my mom. And when she made the comment that it was going to be "easier" with my mom gone now for wedding and holidays - that was just another nail in this particular coffin. That just wasn't the way I was raised and I can't be around someone who took a selfish pleasure in my mothers death.
Would I recommend that people not look for the truth if they're adopted? Absolutely not! Was it an unpleasant experience on that side? Yes - meeting my egg donor was an experience of yet more rejection, lies and hurt. The lies? Well the main one was that she claimed for years that her parents made her give her baby away and that she didn't have any choice in the matter. She also spent all this time telling me how the guy that got her pregnant, a teenager named Danny, refused to stand by her. That while she was sent off to a home for unwed mothers to have the baby, he moved on and was dating someone else by the time she was a few months along. That the last time she saw him, she was pregnant and he asked for his class ring back. Well, the good side of all this has been meeting Danny's sons. My biological half-brothers by him. While meeting my biological half-brother on the maternal side was a total disappointment and he is not anyone I would choose to associate with for numerous reasons, it is the exact opposite with my half-brothers on the paternal side. I have only spoken to the younger, Jon, but the older one, Scott, is my twin from another mother. I met him at the worst time of my life. He contacted me the night of my mom's viewing and said he knew it was an awful time but was I interested in meeting. Yes, I was. We met up at a restaurant and it was recognition on a different level. We hung out that night and then I came back to Texas the next day. Later that month, B and I went back to finish closing out mom's estate. We got a rental truck and brought back a lot of mom's stuff. We met up with Scott and Missy, his wife, and had a thoroughly enjoyable visit and lunch before we left. His video collection is almost identical to mine and so is his DVR record list. We like the same foods and enjoy the same things. My boys say "mom, you finally have a brother that I like". And they do like him and his wife both. They've friended them on their social media. They text with him. They want him around their babies that are coming. Scott and I can talk for HOURS and never run out of things to say. We see things the same way. We are the same with our families. And I adore this man I am proud to call my brother. The younger brother, Jon, I haven't met in person yet but we have spoken. He's married with 3 daughters. One in college and 2 that are still young. Jon and I share a love for travel and the outdoors but Jon is healthy and gets to do more than look at pictures. He gets to travel and hike and climb the mountains that the rest of us only dream about. He's brave and his family is living their dream. Starting next month when the girls get out of school, his family is going looking for a new home. They want to live somewhere closer to the mountains, a place that has a good environment for the girls, close to a college that offers the degree their older daughter would like to pursue, and of course, where Jon and his wife can find jobs in their fields. To do this, they have a list of places they would like to check out. All close to national parks that they enjoy out west. And they are going to spend 2 months camping in the parks and checking out these various places. They're going to combine doing what they love in a responsible manner and they're living their dream. And if they come through this way, maybe I'll get to meet him and his family in person.
As for their dad, my sperm donor, I've never spoken to him and I've never met him. Scott has asked me about it and at that time, I was still under the belief that he abandoned his pregnant girlfriend and hopped right into a relationship with the next one while she went thru everything alone. You know - Pam (egg donors) pity her story that she's been selling for the last 30 years. Well, when Scott confronted his dad about "Is there something you'd like to tell me that you've neglected to mention"? Danny's story was he heard she was pregnant, but that before he could even talk to her she disappeared and he never heard from her again. Pam, of course, denied it until the sh*t hit the fan with all this other stuff a few months ago. And then, in the course, of a text message conversation, it all came out. The truth. The fact was that she had plans for life and she had things she wanted to do and a kid didn't fit into her plans. Ok - fine. That is a choice and she had the right to make it. She didn't have the right to lie about it and essentially try to make herself look better or feel better by twisting the truth. She didn't have the right to make her ex look worse than he is - I mean truth was - he was an irresponsible teenager and so was she. And they were irresponsible teens during a time when "good kids" didn't talk about sex and would NEVER commit the crime of having it. And "good girls" who messed up went to "visit relatives" (read got sent to homes for unwed mothers) and didn't come home until the baby was gone and given up for adoption. They did not keep those babies. Apparently Pam's brother got a girl pregnant and that girl gave her baby up too. Seems to run in the family.
So, there's my adoption experience. Not as bad as some. Not as good as others. Meeting someone who shares your genes but not your upbringing can go several ways. I've seen horror stories way worse than my experience. I've seen loving, caring stories about people who have had nothing but the experience like I've had with my brother, Scott H. I designate him with the "H" because bio-mom also named her son Scott. However, I don't claim that Scott. I feel sorry for him but that sympathy I feel for his wasted life does not translate to any type of wanting this toxic person in my life. And at this point, that goes for his mother too. However, I'm sure that avoiding her won't be entirely possible since she was invited to Tim and Shayna's baby shower. But I am an adult. There will be plenty of people there and I can be mature and polite and pretend I don't know her. 😎

Yeah I've posted more this week than I have in the past year. Don't know how long I will feel like writing. There have been a lot of changes in my life this past year. 1 new baby. 2 new ones on the way. Losing my mom and in some ways Randy have all affected me. And the fact that my egg donor, Pam, chose the time of my mom's death to be childish and spiteful didn't help matters any. So, I've turned to my blog because writing helps me. And if my mistakes and experiences help anyone else at the same time - good. But I don't do this for anyone but myself.

Adoption

2018-05-11T12:10:00.001-05:00

I don't know if I ever mentioned it on here before but I'm adopted. I was born in March of 1965. I lived in a foster home until May when I was placed with my parents. My mom and dad. My "real" parents. There is nothing more aggravating than having someone call the people who gave you away your "real" parents because that's not what they are. They are donors. They donated an egg and some sperm and that was the extent of their involvement. My "real" parents are the ones that nursed me thru all those nasty childhood ailments, a cancer scare at 13 and all the teenage attitude and rebellion that I dished out. They are the people that had to feed me with towels laid all around the rocking chair because I had a defective valve between my tummy and my esophagus and I regurgitated part of my food with every feeding. Those were my parents. Not some woman that got knocked up at 16 who didn't want a child to disrupt her life and future plans. Not some man who never knew for sure that I existed until a few years ago.
I've met my biological mom. My mom - my real mom- helped me to find her when I was pregnant with Kristi 33 years ago. I had a high-risk pregnancy. I had gestational diabetes and I was battling toxemia. Every different specialist I had to deal with and every trip to the hospital, I was asked about family medical history. Something I didn't have any knowledge about and no access to. So mom helped me find out the info. And bio-mom, Pam, claimed she wanted to develop a relationship. And it's been more of an on again/off again thing. She has a son. He's 44. Still lives at home with his mom and dad. Has never had a real relationship or a real job. He is totally dependent on his mom and she wants it that way. The only problem with that is that when she dies - he has nothing. Even though he will inherit everything they have, that won't support him for the rest of his life and he can't even hold a job at a fast food pizza joint. He worked 20 hours a week for one of those mainstream pizza companies answering the phone. For one, he had to take a nap before a 4 hours shift answering the phone. And then he got fired. He has the people skills of a porcupine. He would brag to the kids about how he would "tell his bosses how it was going to be" and didn't care because he thought they couldn't fire him. He was working a job that most high school kids had too much experience to take. And he couldn't hold it. So next was a fast food restaurant. He told them that he moved to his current area after "selling the bar he owned so he could take care of his parents". None of which was true. He didn't have a job before moving to their current area. He was in drug rehab. He's been fired - with cause- from most of the national fast and casual food chains. His mom always makes an excuse for why he loses his job. Nothing is ever his fault. I am so glad this woman didn't raise me!
My parents taught me to accept responsibility. My parents taught me right from wrong. They taught me that life doesn't always go my way. They taught me that it's ok to make mistakes. To take responsibility from them and that I'm human. That I need to learn from them and try not to repeat them. They taught me that they would still love me even when I messed up. And my mess ups were brilliantly epic. I found new and improved ways to rebel and make a mess of things. And they taught me to pick myself up, dust myself off, and to try again. Mostly they taught me that love doesn't have boundaries. That I could mess up and they would still love me no matter how awful I was. Her son - he doesn't know any of this. His mom - her love comes with strings attached. It isn't never-ending - it's conditional on whether or not he jumps to her drummer. She holds the purse strings, she determines his sense of self-worth. And nothing they do is ever good enough. And by they - I mean her husband too. He fell one day and I took him to the clinic. He just kept apologizing. She was being so mean to him accusing him of doing it to himself by forgetting to take his potassium. So when we went to the clinic, they checked his levels. He was perfectly fine. It wasn't anything he did or forgot to do. It was simply old age. He's over 70. He's not as healthy as he used to be. This is just how she is. And both her son and her husband - they accept this treatment without batting an eye. It's their normal.
So would any of you like to guess how well that works with me? Yeah... it doesn't. I have a sense of self-worth. I don't jump to anyone's demands. I am me. I am content with my life and content with who I am and I don't need anyone's approval to validate my self of self worth. I don't need (or want) her money. I never expected to see any of it. She wanted to play "let's pretend". Let's pretend she was my only mom (never). Let's pretend she raised me (not even close to true). Let's pretend to all her friends that she didn't dump a child for her own convenience (she's still living that lie with her friends or they don't know I exist at all). Lord knows it's good that I never wanted to play her little games and never expected anything from her because for all her fakeness where other people are concerned - she has never treated me like "family". My birthdays and Christmas' have mostly been ignored. There has never been anything resembling any type of family unity nor has she ever treated me like she has her son. Which is a good thing because I love the fact that I am an independent woman and that I'm not dependent upon her. She pretty much ignored my kids existence over the years too. Her son - no kids. Probably a good thing since he's never grown up himself. But then her husband started falling and couldn't get to the shower or bed without help. And her son couldn't help him. And in my stupidity, I asked Tim to help them once. And once turned into an everyday abuse of my son's goodwill.
And then we found out that Tim was going to be a daddy. And he took his pretty girlfriend over there. And Pam - biomom- played her little "let's pretend" games with his girlfriend. Telling stories about the kids when they were growing up. But the problem was - she wasn't there. She doesn't know what the kids were like growing up because she didn't want to be bothered with me or my kids. But that didn't stop her from creating lies to tell Tim's girlfriend. Lies about me and lies that made me look bad. Some sort of little game to shine herself in a better light with Tim's girlfriend whom we barely knew. And then when she was called out on her little games, she cried pity poor her - her poor wittle feewings were hurt that she got busted out. No regard for my feelings or the fact that her lies embarrassed me with the woman who is going to be the mom to my granddaughter. No regard to how my other children (whom she was also lying on) felt about the lies she told about them. No regard for the damage that she did in our family and the issues she caused. Now, our family has been thru worse and we will recover and survive. We have survived and the recovery is underway. Her little games to try and cause irreparable harm failed. All her games and manipulation accomplished were that B, Amy, Jay and Dani have had nothing to do with her. Elmer doesn't know her but superficially. He's only seen her twice his whole life, he doesn't remember her, and he won't notice when he never sees her again. Bio-mom doesn't get that her actions caused all this and she doesn't accept responsibility for it. You can see where her kid gets it from. Making me thankful - yet again - that she's not my "real" mom. That she gave me away so that I could have good parents and a good life and learn all the things that are so important about love and responsibility that they taught me.
Mothers Day is this weekend. My first without my mom. The pain is real. So is the longing for my mama. Wanting her to be here - to hear her voice. To feel that sense of security that always came with talking to her. That knowing she was always on my side. I can't begin to tell you the number of ways I miss my mom .... not just on Mothers Day but every day. My life just isn't the same since she passed. And I've spent a year trying to find a new normal. One day I'll figure it all out.

Death

2018-05-08T11:58:00.003-05:00

Randy passed away in December. In November, they found that he had stage 4 cancer. Because of his previous liver issues, the ammonia levels in his system were so high that they couldn't do chemo. Had they been able to, the cancer he had was treatable. 86% cure rate actually. By the time they got the PET scan scheduled, he was in the hospital and never came out.

Thanks to a few of his cousins who never bought into the "cut the kids out of the family" crap that his mom and sisters went for... I was kept up with updates. My kids (other than maybe Jory) never and still haven't heard a word. Not one person bothered to try to reach them to tell them that their "dad" died. They were never notified about arrangements. No attempts at contact at all. But his sister did do online FB announcement and....

Spelled Kristi's name wrong. After 32 years, still can't spell her "niece's" name. (why quotations? because they have never claimed the kids in life and now not in his death either). They spelled her name "Christina". Her birth certificate spells it with a "K". Her social media accounts are all under Kristi with a "K". She has never spelled her name with a "Ch". Ever. One of the cousins, pointed this out to the sister... refused to fix it.

Skips putting any of his siblings from his dad's side of the family in the announcement. Apparently he's only survived by his sisters on his mom's side and dad's side doesn't count any more than my kids do.

They didn't have a funeral. Doesn't surprise me. He didn't have any money. They cremated him and hada dinner. At a bar. Alcohol and drugs killed him. So yes, let's have the memorial dinner at a bar. Let's all get drunk and see who can commit suicide by alcohol abuse next.

They let the 9 year old sit at the hospital and watch his dad die. What kind of damage will the possibly do to a child to watch his dad suffer like that? When people were so emotional that the nurses kicked them out of the hospice room so he could pass peacefully. But then apparently thought it appropriate to let a 9 year old, who already has issues, back in the room to watch that. Now they're sent the 9 year old to live with the sister who already had her own kids taken away. Yep, makes sense. Actually nothing that that family does makes any sense to me.

So where do we stand as a family? Status quo ... unchanged I guess. I feel for my kids. They have to live the rest of their lives with those questions unanswered. The "why wasn't I good enough" and "why didn't he love me". I will continue to tell them that they were always good enough. He was trying there at the end. He was trying to make things right. He was trying to cross that bridge with the kids. He ran out of time. He didn't get to ever meet either of his grandsons. Our monkey will be 9 in July and never knew he existed. Jay's little boy was just a tiny baby of 3 m old when he passed. He never knew that both Tim and his better half or B and Amy were expecting. He didn't live long enough to make things right with any of the kids except Jory. Jory who, might I add, hasn't spoken to me since the night before the drunken D.A.V. party they had in Randy's "memorial" when he called and wanted me to get him a plane ticket so he could be there the next day. Not something I could afford and he knew that. He wanted me to call my friends and borrow the money for something I couldn't afford to pay back so I could be there. He missed a few issues with that for me...
1. We all made it to my mom's funeral in July. He was at Jay's house when Tim picked Jay up and they left for Indiana (I flew down courtesy of my brother since I had plans to go and spend time with mom before we lost here and then things took a turn for the worse and I barely made it before she went). Jory chose not to get in the truck and go with his brothers. His excuse was that they were having court over the monkeys adoption and he had to go to court. He didn't have to go. There was no reason for him to go and he ended up NOT going. So despite everything that his grandma did for him over the years - all the times she was there for him and bailed him out of jail and paid for his attorneys and all she did for him that he never once even offered her a $1 to pay her back - he chose to not go to her funeral.
2. He wanted to go get his belongings from his dads house. Stuff that was long gone. Randy told me that someone had already taken a lot of Jory's stuff when he was in the hospital on a previous visit. Jory's big screen T.V. - broken. Not sure if Randy never told Jory thinking that it didn't matter since Jory wasn't going back up there or what. Additionally, Jory thought he was going to get his dad's belongings. The amount of laughter this idea of his caused me is indescribable. The vultures that Randy called "family" cleaned that house out before he was ever dead. As soon as he went to the hospital and the word hospice was mentioned, the vultures swooped in and started stealing anything of value. Randy's insane, psychotic sister, Sheila, drove down from her home in Arkansas to "take care of him" which is code for - get her hands on everything he owned. How can I say this? Spoke to Randy quite a bit there at the end. He spent Thanksgiving alone eating canned ravioli. Not one of the vultures would even take him a plate. His 9-year-old kid was the one helping him get in and out of bed. His house was "trashed out" - his words. Anything of Jory's that was left - Sheila took like she took most of what Randy owned. His son's sister that he was so close to - his ex's daughter - got his vacuum. She was the one that went in and cleaned out her "dad's house". She took the vacuum when she was done. Randy's mom, Polly, and Sheila ran all over town bad-mouthing her and accusing her of theft. How do I know? She told me about it. See- once Randy died - she wasn't "family" anymore. Adios to her.
3. He wanted me to go with him. Ummmm - no. Randy and I had made our peace. He had asked me to take him back (again no). We had had a chance to talk things out. I told him that when we broke up, I had lost not just my kids dad but my best friend. He told me he wanted to be my best friend again. And I told him that as much as I missed that time - we couldn't go back. Trust was not only broken but destroyed. Not once, but repeatedly. That even if I was self-destructive enough to open that can of worms, my kids would disown me. Even Jory said that I would be an idiot to even think about it. There were too many hateful things said - too many hurtful things done. Even if I could forgive him for how he treated me, I can't forget. And even though I forgave him for his choices, I can't forget how badly and how often he hurt my kids. Wanting him to be healthy and wanting him to make things right between him and the kids - I wanted that for my kids. I wanted them to have the peace I have. Randy didn't want to listen to them though. He didn't want to hear where he failed. He just wanted them to jump into a relationship with him with both feet and he wanted them to allow him access to their kids with no restrictions. Steps that they were unwilling to even consider. When Jay and Dani had their baby, they didn't even want him to see a picture. Their child- their choice.
So now Randy is gone. He ran out of time to make things right. His family has no interest in the kids or how they're doing. It's 6 months since Randy died and the kids have never heard a word one from any of them. B and Amy are formally engaged. The week after their engagement, they found out they're expecting. None of Randy's family knows nor would they care I'm sure.

If you're in this type of situation - if there is a family member you've been feuding with or have had hurt feelings with... if you've let a situation go for too long.... if you don't talk to your kids because you're avoiding your ex....

Do something about it now. Before it's too late. Because before you know it - time is gone and it's too late to fix it.

court

2017-02-08T17:27:00.002-06:00

I go to court this week. Our little girl we raised for the last year - her mom is being taken to court by her sisters dad. I wish my nephew, Josh, would do the same thing but he's about as good of a parent as his uncle Randy was. In other words - he's too busy partying to care what happens to his kid. Frustrates me to death knowing that baby ends up pawned from person to person. The mom, Carlee, even told her other daughters dad that he could only see his kid if he took our baby too. Carlee is 21. 2 kids. 2 different dads. Her kids are 4 (Aliyah) and almost 3 (Paisley). We miss our Paisley baby but I couldn't deal with Carlee anymore. She wanted to come and go with no notice and no warning, showing up at midnight and just dropping Paisley off on the front porch. CPS has been called in repeatedly by not only family (hers) but the girls respective day cares and even neighbors. She burnt Aliyah with a curling iron once. The daycare called CPS. Carlee has been called in for drug screens - she took bleach to her hair to destroy the results. When we got Paisley last year, Carlee had taken her to some woman in Mississippi that Paisley had never met before and dropped her off then refused to go get her. Josh had to drive from Texas to Mississippi or Paisley was going to foster care. We had her for almost 6 weeks before Carlee reappeared. But Josh was too lazy to go file for emergency custody and Carlee showed back up and demanded her daughter back. So they went to week on/week off parenting. And our sweet girl was here every week plus because Carlee would "miss her flight" (she is always running off to Houston, or Vegas or Las Vegas to escort) or her flight would be "cancelled". However, we took to checking the airlines and found out that she was consistently lying. The flights weren't cancelled. Either she missed them or she never had one scheduled. So she was never here to get the baby for the Sunday exchange and Paisley would end up being here till Monday or Tuesday or the next Friday. Then Carlee would show up and pick her up for a few days. But come Sunday, she would drop her off - usually early. Meanwhile, while we're dealing with all this with Paisley, Carlee was doing the same thing with Aliyah with her side of the family. Then Carlee decided she wanted to move to Vegas. And it came out that she never signed the papers for the week on/week off agreement that everyone had been abiding by for the previous 9 months. Aliyah's family got the attorney to stop her from leaving state. However, she told her attorney that night that she wasn't moving "anywhere because" she had "a full-time job at Walmart". But Aliyah went to her dads that night talking about how "all their stuff was in a big truck in the driveway". The next day, Carlee took the girls and moved 200 miles away to Dallas. Wondering what the judge will say about that since the injunction was given and she still moved after lying to the court.
So Aliyah's family subpoenaed me into court to testify. Me and my paperwork and my calendar with the notes and my medical records showing that when we got Paisley, we couldn't even enroll her in daycare because she was 6 vaccinations behind. She hadn't had a vaccination in over a year. The sad thing is - Aliyah will probably get saved and get to go live with her dad and his family. She has a new baby sister over there and stability. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins and a stable life. However, Josh is too busy partying and has done nothing to save Paisley. It sucks but at least I will be able to .... hopefully - help save Aliyah. God willing and lots of prayers. And maybe... just maybe... since Carlee still dumps Paisley with whomever she can when Aliyah is with her dad - maybe Carlee will sign over Paisley. I know, we couldn't get that lucky but it would be the best thing for Paisley. I'm hoping the judge will see through Carlee and her whining, I'm a single mom with 2 kids pity poor me and do what's right for the kids. And if he won't give Paisley to us - put her in foster care because that would be better for her than living with a drug using, partying mom who is never home and dumps her all over. One who will probably bring some sort of disease home since her profession is "escort". One that is rarely in the same state with her kids.

Pray for our sweet girls.

making old habits new again?

2017-01-19T16:08:00.004-06:00

     I'm trying to get back into the habit of blogging. I used to find such a release in letting the words roll out onto the page. It helped me sort things out in my mind. It was a good way to put things into perspective and make sense out of the craziness that went on back then. So why did I think that once they all grew up and moved out... became adults that things would make more sense? Why is it that you can watch them doing the stuff and see the disaster waiting at the end of the tunnel yet not convince them of the wreck about to happen.

    They tease me about my age. I hear things like "Did I have color TV when I was growing up?"
"What was it like when dirt was new?" or "Did we have a car when I was young or did we ride a horse to school?"   I am (of course) too old to have learned anything or to comprehend what they're going through in their lives right now. It was so much easier when they were younger and smarter and realized that I actually did know things. Now they believe they know it all and I'm dumber than the rocks that I grew when I was young. Until they're in trouble... then (of course) - it's fix things and make them all better right that second. I mean I can fix big problems with a single call or make the rain stop when the construction job they just had to take because the pay was oh so wonderful can't work for days on end (like I warned happens with seasonal jobs which who listened to me back then...).

     I did figure out where I messed up parenting. Several places actually. For one - I dropped everything anytime they needed something as children. I felt so guilty for marrying Randy and him walking out on them. Even though I could tell myself that it was his choices - that he was the one that chose to not be a part of their lives... I (still) feel guilty for making such an awful choice in choosing their sperm donor. And then, I remind myself that I was younger than they are now when I made that awfully poor choice. That reminder, helps me to have some small faith that I'll live long enough to see them outgrow this particular stage of insanity.

    Another place I messed up was shielding them from my health issues. I have a degenerative joint disease. I live in pain. Daily. Nightly. Never ending, teeth grinding, it's never going to get better pain. I took pain management classes and I have learned to block out the types of pain that would put most people 6 foot under. And I have medication that helps. However, I tried to shield my kids from how bad it was. I never wanted them to worry. And with every one of the 15 surgeries I had over the years - they worried enough. What would happen to them if something happened to me? They were so afraid that Randy would swoop back into their lives and mess things up. Take them away from everything they knew and (to quote them) - ruin their lives. So no matter how bad it was, they never knew. Unfortunately, now I can't keep up with what I did then. Also unfortunately, now that I'm having trouble keeping up, they still see me as superwomen. I can't even get Amy to pick up her laundry off the floor despite daily reminders. In some ways, it's good for me because the doctor wants me to keep moving. It's "good" for me he says. Tell that to my joints on a cold, rainy day. They vehemently disagree.

    I have a friend who has a serious heart condition. Her kid is almost 17. Doesn't pick up a dish behind herself. The friend... her heart doc told her that if things didn't change - it would mean her death. She won't tell her daughter. The same kid who wakes her at 3 AM cussing her because she's behind with her school work and "it's her mom's fault for not making her stay up on it". The same kid who will sit on utube watching mom struggle to carry in groceries and not carry in a single bag (yeah - even my brats were never that bad). The same kid who never rinses a dish, does a load of laundry, or even pick up her own water bottles from the floor by the couch where she lives 23 hours a day. The kid wanted to home school and was adamantly told no. She had a back injury and managed to disrupt class so much playing up the injury that the school made her home school. Welcome to the world of juvenile manipulation. We've talked about it. I told her I screwed up hiding health situations from my kids. It didn't help them - turned them to where they totally take me for granted. Told her that I was worried she wouldn't be around to see the kid graduate if something didn't change. Hell, no one can take 2-3 nitro a day indefinitely. But it's her only child and she's "still a baby". Yep. She told me that the almost 17 year old kid was "still a baby". Well, my kids are still MY babies. But I still recognize that they are grown adults who have to make their own choices and mistakes just as I did at their ages (well most of them at least - I'm pretty much giving up on Kristi because by 32.... I had kids and no choice but to pull it together). I gave up on the discussion because ... well for one - it was a waste of breath. No matter how long we've been friends or how much I care - if she wants to let the kid run her into an early grave --- it's her choice. Me bringing it up was just upsetting her and me. And you can never overcome that parental guilt that I think all parents carry with their kids. No matter who you are or how great your kids are, there's always the what if scene that replays in your head of something (no matter how minute) that you might have done differently --- even if it's 30 years ago.

     Not gonna say I'll be able to get on here more than a few times a week but it sure feels good to let the words flow again. I sure do miss the camaraderie that we all had back in those days when there was a whole group of us sharing and commenting back and forth.

warning... long and ranting

2017-01-16T12:45:00.003-06:00

     Long time no posting. Why? Because my computer finally fried and I don't know about y'all, but I cannot stand trying to type on a phone. Even my precious Iphone. So where to start...

   Kristi (Tara) gone and missing again. Why? Because the boys asked her current "daddy" to move his truck so Amy could use the driveway. Confused? So was I. Kristi found herself a 50 year old man. A "daddy". I can't even go there right now. I am so embarrassed and traumatized with the whole concept. I'm 51. Literally, she has such daddy issues - she wanted to find a "daddy". Which I would get if she wasn't having sex with him too. See the pain this mother feels with the idea? Anyhow, we got a good amount of rain and ended up with a gully going down one side of the drive. My little focus and Amy's little car couldn't make it thru that side but we have a drive around, I suppose you could call it. Problem is - Kristi's boyfriend was blocking it so when we asked him to please move his truck, he copped some huge fit and started cussing the boys. Yeah, that went well. Not. So he started "threatening" them telling them he could just leave and never come back. Like they cared. Jay (Hurricane) and Tim (Little Man) had no problem telling him how much they didn't care. He left. Kristi called someone to come get her. She left. Never came back. Abandoned 4 cats and all her belongings.
     So when Kristi took off, she had just gotten a new phone. Of course it was just past the 30 days so I couldn't return it. On my bill. The next plan from ATT. So Jay (who was having to change phone numbers every few month when he would miss his prepaid payment date) said he would take her phone and payment. I should have known better. But nope - stupid me. I let him. So where does that leave me? As of today - with him owing $80 on the bill that was due the 25th of LAST month, refusing to pay and refusing to return the $600 phone. AND.... the new bill came out 2 days ago when he hasn't paid the last bill yet. Why am I not surprised. Oh and lying to Jory (Ice Cube) to try and start family drama. Because that's Jay's MO. Get called out for doing something and stir the pot with everyone else. So yes, call Jory and lie to Jory telling Jory that B and I are doing something that Jay was actually the one doing. Frustration with kid #2.
     Jory... Still gone. Still doing his own thing. He calls and checks in every so often. We had our wee one over Christmas. Jory - mad because he hasn't seen his son in over a year. The son - sad. What do you say to a little boy that says that his dad isn't his dad anymore - just a friend because he hasn't seen him in a long long time. When he asks if we know where his dad is and the only honest answer that we can provide is "sorry no - I'm not sure where he is". When we have had no number to reach him in I can't remember how long. Jory moved to Indiana at one time to live with Randy. That was just wonderful. Send a person who has had drug issues to live with a convicted drug dealer. That's not a disaster waiting to happen. Which caused Randy to start bothering B which went over so not well. The disaster that eventually followed ... time for another post but it was not pretty. At all. Now we have Randy posing on social media talking about Elmer like he knows him when in all actuality - Elmer has never heard a word one about him and never will. Elmer doesn't have any clue about that whole disaster side of Jory's family and thank God he is growing up without being exposed to the drinking, drugging, and trips to jail that characterizes the Indiana crew. And honestly, Jory shouldn't want his son exposed to that when Randy just got out of prison. When Randy's step-son just stole his truck at 10 years old and got busted by the police. Why would he even want to expose our sweet boy to any of that. Elmer has a shining sweet personality. He is very tender-hearted and very loving. He is open and caring and life will trample on him soon enough without intentionally putting him around people who are hateful - the people who had no problem getting drunk and throwing punches or doing drugs in front of him when he was little. I moved to get away from it all - sure don't want our sweet Elmer exposed to any of it. Which, when Jory moved out of state was when Ruth decided to start adoption proceedings with her husband and Elmer. Her hubby is a good guy. He puts our sweet boy first and she was right. She was worried that if anything happened to her - Elmer would be uprooted from his school and home and drug cross country to live with convicted felons and be put in a drug situation. I hate it all quite honestly. I hated it when Randy wasn't willing to give up the drugs and the partying to be a dad to our kids and I hate that we are put in this position with our sweet boy. But I also realize that if I was Ruth - I would have done the same thing to protect my son. This way, he stays in his home and maintains stability. He's not taken away from everything and everyone he knows or put in foster care which could happen. And she has no intention of taking us out of his life. She has repeatedly said that she won't stop Jory from seeing him if he straightens up. I hope it's true and she doesn't cut us out of his life. More frustration in this situation.
    Then we have Tim. Doing well actually. If he could find happiness with a girl instead of dating 9384 different girls... And he's not doing anything wrong. I just want him to find happiness. And maybe he is happy. He's only 24 - not like he needs to be tied down at his age. No use him making the mistakes that I made in life. If it wasn't for him and B doing well - I would give up. I'm so tired. I fight this stupid disease. I live in pain. I broke a tooth that I haven't been able to afford to fix so now I have that garbage too and I feel like a failure with the choices they're making. And I can tell myself a million times that they're adults and making their own choices. I KNOW that I didn't run around, go to the bar, go out and party or even date when they were growing up. I spent all those years taking care of them, running them around to all their millions of activities. I took them to school, I was home when they got home if I didn't pick them up to run them to one activity or another, I cooked dinner every night , we ate together, we weren't rich but they didn't do without food or clothes and they had a decent, clean house. Every single one of them was on honor roll in school and school was a priority - to me if not to them. Whereas Randy has an 8th grade education who thinks he did oh so well without schooling (he is 51 and lives with his mom still). I know why Jory and he get along. They look at life the same way. Jory told me that Elmer would grow up and "know what we did". What he doesn't seem to notice is that Elmer is growing up and he notices that Jory isn't around when he has donuts with dads day at school - no it's Ruth's hubby that's there. Her man that takes off work to be there for his school performances, or takes off work when he is upset or sick, why do these guys not get that parenting is time, energy, sacrifice and effort. They can't only remember they have kids when it's convenient for them. Randy called about once every 4-5 years and yet he blames me for his lack of relationship with every single one of the kids except Jory.
    Well, back to the grindstone. There are days when I don't know why I keep going. I don't know how I keep going. Some days it's a text message from Elmer or a big, sloppy kiss from Baby that reminds me that I am loved. Sometimes getting old just sucks especially when no one around notices that you're moving slower, hurting more, and able to do less or that you spend more and more time with doctors piecing you back together. Then sometimes you wake up feeling like a million bucks like you have another 50 years to go. I will say this - I notice I'm moving a bit slower as time goes on even if none of the kids notice. Funny how they all think I'm old enough to have ridden a dinosaur, was around for the invention of dirt and did we have color back in my days but yet they don't notice that I can't open a bottle anymore. I guess when I was 20, I didn't think about my parents getting older either. But now dad is gone and mom's pushing 80 and I know what mortality looks like. Hope everyone out in blogosphere is hanging tough. See if I can't find my way back into the swing of things here and there health willing.

Welcome to the jungle

2016-05-10T14:24:00.001-05:00

A good friend of mine over at Smirking Cat (if you don't read her, feel free to go take a look), was posting about pet peeves and apparently, there are wannabe cowboys/cowgirls in her area that think they look cool in boots with shorts. I had to laugh My boys wear boots with shorts all the time. Mostly because we live in the middle of no where and we are more liable to run across a rattler, copperhead, or fire ant mound than to see a human. So what do you wear when you're working in the woods/deep grass/burning brush and it's 80+ degrees out? Shorts and boots of course.

B mowing back the wilderness for me on Mothers Day -- wearing shorts....with boots.

What the majority of our land looks like... This is the front of a side by side that Little Man brought over to take me for a ride..

Little Man moving a tree that fell across one of the few paths thru the woods

What most of our property looks like other than what we've cleared by the house. Welcome to the jungle.

Love me some Smirking Cat. Also love me my boots. Cause I like my legs unattacked by snakes. :)

We've been working our tails off around here trying to push back some more of this jungle It's hot nasty work and once you clear section, there are huge piles of brush to burn to get rid of the mess. But dang it feels good to look and know what all you've accomplished when you've gotten a section cleared. Hope everyone is doing well! Keep a smilin' all!

The energy of a 2 year old

2016-04-20T14:00:00.001-05:00

Living with a 2 year old again is a whole new experience. Especially this one week on - one week off schedule that Josh and Carlee decided on. Which sucks by the way. For example, last Sunday, Carlee was supposed to pick up little wee one at 5 PM. That's the exchange time decided upon. Well 5, 6, and 7 came and went with no word or sign of her. At 9:34, she finally deemed it to answer a text and she was "running a little behind" and would be here in 3-4 hours. Ok child - in what universe does ANYone think that 1 AbloodyM is an acceptable time to do a parenting exchange with a 2 year old. And in what dimension did she think that anyone here (considering everyone has to work or go to school in the morning) was going to stay up to wait for her to get done drinking and playing to finally make her child a priority. The sheer ignorance of it blew my mind. Apparently, going to a concert 8 hours in the opposite direction was more important to her than picking up her children to start her parenting week. I mean, yeah - you haven't seen your kids in a week - why would you want to see them now. This from the girl that dumped her not quite 2 year old in another state and then texted the baby's dad and said "I'll sign over my rights to you or she can go to foster care". Being a good parent and her kids are obviously not at the top of this kids priority list. Anyhow, she finally showed up at 3 PM - the next afternoon. Yep, that's real care and concern for your child there. As for Josh, he doesn't care to parent this little bundle of 2 year old attitude any more than mom does. The best thing for the little one would probably be that she gets placed someplace else not with either of them considering that neither one of them make her a priority and she is nothing more than a pawn in their game of "see how much you can hurt the other parent" but ... neither one will give up their power ploy to be used over the other so every other week, she comes here and we try to give her some stability and undo some of the damage that they do when they ditch her and ignore her existence for weeks or months on end. She has her own bed and a couple of toy boxes full of new toys here now as well as a compete wardrobe with enough clothes to cover 3 of her despite the fact that Tara and Allie insist on playing change the 2 year old's clothes any time there is so much as the hint of a shadow on her or her clothing. She is the best dressed little adorable thing at daycare. And there is nothing like seeing the joy on her face when she gets out of the car after daycare during the week and comes running up to the house. She is full of joy and smiles and oh so happy to see her Memaw. She is apparently quite the escape artist at daycare too with the ability to escape at any time to cross thru the bathroom and get to her "Tissy" (which is what she calls Tara).

I will hopefully be seeing my little Elmer in just over a week. We will be going on a weekend vacation with some of the other family members. I can't get into any real detail on here because apparently Tara thought it would be a good idea to clue Ice Cube in on this blog and he gave details to Randy (sperm donor). So in the interest of Elmer's safety - keeping his movements private is the best way to go. He will be here to visit over summer break which we're really looking forward to. My mom is flying in from Indiana too so we will have 4 generations here under one roof.

Speaking of Randy and Ice Cube.. Since IC went down to stay with his dad, Randy apparently figured that the other kids would have a change of heart or something? I was cleaning the living room one morning when B came out of his room and his first words to me were: Why did you have to marry the stupidest mother f*cker?". Ummmmmmmmm say what? I was so lost. It made no sense as to what brought this up. So my response was naturally a "what in the world are you talking about?". Come to find out that Randy thought it would be a good idea to start sending B messages on social media. Which B ignored and just kept deleting. Then when they didn't stop, he told his brother, IC, to tell Randy to leave him the "h*ll alone". So according to B while he's telling me this story in his words "apparently Randy took the message of leave him the h*ll alone to mean send him more messages and start sending him friends requests" which according to B meant that he's "too stupid to understand English". And what was it about all this that set my normally mild son off? He was trying to play a pool game online and every time that Randy sent him a message, it popped up on his screen and stopped him from being able to make his shot and he almost lost his game from these messages popping up and messing up his timed shots on a game. Seriously child? Yes, an online pool game was way more important to B than messages from his long lost, hasn't been heard from in like 12 years sperm donor. So, me... being the nosy person I am... asked B what was so important with all these messages Randy was sending to him? He had absolutely NO idea. He didn't bother to read a single one. He would see the first couple words that popped up and make those go away as quickly as he could trying to get back to his game. As for the friends request - he turned those down too. Then he proceeded to block Randy so he couldn't bother him anymore. Whereas IC might have some memories of Randy and he has decided to take that step, like Tara did once upon a time and Hurricane tried to at one time too - Little Man wants nothing to do with Randy and B, who has no good memories of him at all, could care less. It's actually pretty sad that B has no idea who he is and wouldn't know him if they walked by each other on the street. Randy has just never been a factor in B's life and B is now a grown man and has his own life. B has been with Allie longer than Randy was a part of his life. Hurricane has been with Donna longer than Randy was with the kids. My marriage lasted 10 years. Hurricane and Donna have been together almost 12. B was 4 when Randy and I broke up. He's been with Allie longer than that. These kids have lives that Randy has no idea about and women who have been in their lives longer than he was. Now IC and his girlfriend ... Well, last year, he was with Alayna. 3 years ago, he was with Geri. Before that, it was Emily and Jennifer. Elmer is 6 and IC is on his 7th serious girlfriend. 6 since IC and Ruth split up. Whereas, Ruth has been with her fiance for 5 years now and they have a wedding coming up. After which, I am fairly sure that her new hubby will adopt Elmer. It's been almost a year now since IC has seen his son. Elmer has no number to reach him and hasn't talked to him since Fathers Day last year. And that poor little boy is confused about it all. He can't understand why his dad just disappeared. It's just sad.

Well, I have a few million things to take care of today and have spent altogether too much time writing this so I'll catch up again another time when I can find 5 minutes free of the 2 year old to play. Hope everyone out there is doing ok.

still alive

2016-03-22T16:22:00.002-05:00

Still here. Still alive. Still kicking. No computer. Mine finally bit the dust. My PC laptop is a piece of junk and has something wrong with it. I'm playing on Tara's computer right now. 5 months later ... nothing really new. B turned 21. Still in school. Allie still in college too. Tara still working at the daycare and loving it. She finished her classes for her certification at the college. 3 classes. 3 A's. The state sent her a congratulations and a nice certificate. Her divorce still going. Bye bye Tom. He's still in prison and not expected to get out for quite some time. As part of the divorce, the attorney got some sort of no contact order. Permanent injunction.
Hurricane and Donna moved here in November. Somewhere around Thanksgiving. It took Donna a week to find her dream job and start. Now her job is paying for her certification and she has gone from part time to full time and is very happy. Hurricane found a job in the field he wanted to work in and a few weeks ago they rented a house on option to buy. They're about 8 miles from here. Close enough that we see them about 3-4 times a week yet far enough away for no one to feel that someone is too far up in anyone's business.
Little Man still climbing up the ladder at his job. His boss just bought him a truck. I'm a bit jealous. Not really. I'm pretty thrilled for him. He loves his job and his boss and as I said in last post - he's finally moving on from the chaos and hell that Kim brought to his life. 4 of my 5 chicks are happy, productive and healthy. I would have liked to say 5 of them but Ice Cube ... well, he left for one state to go to work with a friend. That didn't work out and he moved on down to stay with Randy. I've heard disturbing things since that development. Talk of impounded vehicles and drug usage and needles. Nothing we can do from this end but pray. Mostly, I'm sad for Elmer since he hasn't seen his dad in I believe, it's a year ago this month. He hasn't spoken to him - well, it will be a year in June when we chased Ice Cube down on Father's Day. Ruth is getting married in September and I imagine that her fiance will adopt Elmer shortly after the wedding. Elmer will tell you that her fiance is his "step-dad" not his "real dad" so it's not that anyone has tried to push IC out of Elmer's life. - he took a walk right out just like Randy did to him. Of course, just like his dad - he blames anyone and everyone but himself for the path that this had led him down. It's my fault. It's Ruth's fault It's not his fault that he doesn't call Elmer and doesn't keep a phone number where his son can call him. The saddest thing I ever heard was this Christmas when Elmer asked me if I had his dad's number. No, I didn't. Elmer said "It's been a long long time since I talked to him Memaw". I said I'm sorry bud. There was nothing else I could say. He's not old enough to understand addiction or priorities or why he isn't higher on his dad's priority list. IC should know better though - but the cycle continues. Randy's dad didn't bother with him till he was 15. Randy didn't bother with his kids until IC needed a place to run. I guess now another little boy will grow up wondering why his dad doesn't love him. The difference is - Randy's mom and sisters and family abandoned my kids right along with him - Elmer knows his dad's family. He won't grow up never knowing his grandma or his uncles or aunt. He is surrounded by people who love him and who will be there to pick up the slack. Meanwhile, I hear that IC's new girlfriend is either about to have the child or has already had the baby but I've also heard from several people that she used drugs all the way through the pregnancy so the question would come as to whether or not the baby will be born addicted to drugs. Sad situation. They swear that I will never be able to see the baby which I have no doubt since they've moved 1000 miles away. But as Allie's paternal grandparents told her maternal ones when the paternal grandparents were told that it would cost them $50,000 to see Allie --- "you can't miss what you've never known". And honestly, I live a full life. Would I make time, love, space for a new grandbaby? Obviously. But I have my garden going in right now. I'm looking forward to our summer visit with Elmer. My birthday and Easter are both this weekend. Josh's baby stays here now every other week. She's 2. She goes to her mama's one week and comes here the next. Josh has her in daycare so she's at school during the day but she comes to Memaws after school and helps me every evening. She just adores her cousin, Elmer. When we face time with him she pushes right into the phone and jabbers away at him.

Anyhow, the kids are all laughing at me because all I want for my birthday is to get my garden in and my chicken pen done. I wanted to buy new baby chicks for my birthday, but I think I'm going the planting route instead. I love the garden and the berries and the trees. A friend of mine sent me a cherry tree, 2 blueberry bushes, and a seedless white grape plant for my birthday. All self pollinating. All things that I wanted to try to grow and hadn't found the right type to flourish here yet. She went hunting thru all kinds of types for me looking for ones that would grow in my zone. For ones that can deal with the occasional freezing days of winter but withstand the summer drought. There is something peaceful and calming about working in the dirt. And the kids got a new pool for here for the summer. Elmer will love that. And I love sitting in the pool with a glass of wine in the evening.

So that's how things are floating along here. Nice and peacefully. Just the way I love life. But our little 2 year old tornado should be coming thru the door any minute now and this Memaw has to get something going for dinner real quickly so we don't throw her schedule off. Hope y'all are having nice, peaceful days too!

Can I have 1/2 your liver please

2015-10-08T17:51:00.002-05:00

Yeah yeah ... I know. I'm never around. Tara moved home. B and Allie went back to school. B as a freshman - Allie starting her sophomore year of college. Little Man moved back home and has been FINALLY putting his life back together after the ugly of Kim that it's taken him this long to start actually rebuilding his life and not just partying it away. So... My ex. Better known as sperm donor... is dying. Randy is his name in case any of you want to say a prayer. He has end stage liver disease. This is a direct result of his life choices so I can't say that I am surprised. I'm not. His 41 year old cousin DIED a few weeks ago from liver failure so... It seems to be a family thing.

Randy is bad. He got out of prison and the night he got out - he went to his girlfriend's daughters house and proceeded to drink beer with Brook and her husband. Shortly thereafter, he was in the hospital. He's been in and out of the hospital since. They are having to drain fluid from his body. As in 2-3 liters of fluid every few days. It's not processing anymore. At one time, I hear he was on dialysis and that his kidneys weren't working right either. I'm not entirely sure since (as usual) they're not choosing to enlighten the kids on what is going on. However... 2 of his sisters DID approach LM. First was the only living sister on dad's side, Kate. Mom to Josh, the kids cousin, that LM spends the most time with. She asked him about donating part of his liver in a "living liver donation". Since LM and Kate are actually fairly close, she already pretty knew his opinion and answer. However, she asked him to talk to the crazy sister. His sister on his mom's side, Susan. Susan is nuts. Flat out nuts. She lives in Arkansas and has lost custody of all her kids due to alcoholism. Do we see a family history emerging? So Kate asked LM if he would talk to Susan. LM hasn't seen nor heard from Susan in something like 18 years. He has ONE memory and that's of her taking a drunken fit and jumping up and down on our ceilings (she lived in the apartment upstairs) and screaming "I hate you guys" at the top of her lungs for several hours. Anyhow, Kate asked if she could give Susan LM phone number and he said yes. Right before agreeing to speak to her, he called me. He said "I'll bet you $100 that she hangs up on me, mom.". No. No I am not taking that bet. I know the crazy of the person he was dealing with. I know my kid and how he is and his feelings on the matter. I figured given LM's attitude, I'd give it 3 minutes and he would be cussed out or hung up on. It took 11 which actually surprised me. LM calls me back and says "wish you would have taken that bet mom, I could have used $100." So we chatted. Here are a few of the doozies that Susan subjected my kid to.

1. She knows what it's like to have your kids taken away since her ex took her kids away from her. (what she didn't tell LM is because she was drunk and having sex with the neighbor when her husband caught her). However LM's response was "oh so you've never been a parent either but you want to try and talk to me about parenting."

2. She loves him and misses him and it's my fault that their family hasn't had a relationship with them. LM's response: "that's cute cause I don't know or remember you"

3. That I had said that he would donate 1/2 of his liver to Randy.
LM's response: "There is no f&^king way my mom said I would risk my life for anyone"

4. That Randy loved them but he wasn't given the chance to know them or show them how much he cared about them.
LM's response: funny that we lived in the same house, at the same address in TX for 6 years after he ran out again and we all had the same cell phone numbers for 10 years and he couldn't be bothered to call any of us. And then something about Randy getting FB and never trying to friend them and actually BLOCKING them so they couldn't see him.

And the straw that broke the camels back...

5. Susan told LM that is "my children's fault" that "their dad" is dying because Randy doesn't care to live since my kids don't care if he does or not.
LM said apparently the response she was looking for was NOT
1. He's not my dad - my brother taught me how to ride a bike and swim and play ball. That mother f*&ker was never there for me and
2. You're right, I don't care - I'm glad life killed him before I had to.

Phone call over. Call ended. Proceed to a bunch of social media posts from Susan sending songs from Randy to them and her to them and trash talking how horrid I am. Cause it is ALL my fault that they have neglected the kids for their entire lives. That Randy got FB and didn't even send his boys a friends request - he did send Tara one but she denied it. That Randy blocked the boys from from his page totally. That he hasn't tried to call them not one time in over 10 years. That in over 15 years, he has never sent them a letter, a card, a present, nothing. Yep - it's ALL my fault. Just ask him.

Wouldn't you think that if Randy wanted 1/2 my kids liver, that he would at least take the effort to contact LM himself? Wouldn't you think that a hey - how have you been would be a nice start? Supposedly, Randy didn't even know Susan was asking. I'm thinking it's not her place to demand ANYthing from my children. Let alone tell my kid that he "OWES" someone who hasn't bothered to acknowledge his existence in over 10 years now. But hey, I let LM handle it and handle it he did. I told him I was actually impressed that it took 11 minutes before he popped off something that ticked her off enough to hang up. I gave it 3 or less.

Welcome to my life....

Monkey time

2015-06-12T22:49:00.002-05:00

As I sit here watching our monkey play on the game system, a comment that came thru today from Smirking Cat made me remember just how much I had neglected my baby here. So for a quick catch up...

Elmer is here for the month of June. His mama is going thru EMT training. That plus the full time job she already had means that she is gone from early morning till late at night. So... she called and asked if we wanted him for June so he could come and have fun instead of being bored when she couldn't spend time with him anyhow. So she was looking out for what would be best and most enjoyable for him. We've worked hard to cultivate a decent relationship with his mom and it's paying off. She invited us camping for his birthday weekend. Now, I doubt we will be able to make it but she knows we are going to try which is great. Please remember that I just turned 50. Yep... the big 50. Monkey is 5. So, while I am absolutely LOVING ever second of time that we have together... this old lady wears out much faster than I care to admit.

In other news... Hurricane was here and then left. He was going to "find a job". Now we helped him get one but he didn't care for where he was going to work so he lied. Said he had a job offer for $15/hour back in the metroplex and was going back to take it. Ended up that he took a job for less money than the one we had found him. Not. My. Problem. I refuse to deal with any of it honestly. He's still living between a friends house and Vix's. Is she happy about this? Not at all. But ... not my problem. He cannot come back here.

Tara is here. Things have happened with Tom... no they have not broken up and the time will come when I will post about things but now isn't it. Tom's family still knows about this blog and I have been specifically requested to not say anything on here that they can see. Tara has been here for about a month now. She's found a job she likes. She's working and she's fairly stable. Is she happy? Hell, I think that depends on the 5 minutes that you ask her. She misses Tom. She got a big slap in the face when things went down and his family basically tossed her out with the trash. They essentially left her homeless to the point that Tom (I think out of sheer desperation and worry for her) told her; "call your mom". B went and got her the same day. Are things good between us? I think there is no trust there. At least on my side. And if anyone has read this blog for any length of time at all, you will know that I don't think you can have a decent relationship without trust. I think she didn't necessarily want to come here but when her family of choice ditched her - she didn't have another choice. Do I think she cares about me? Nope. Again... necessity. Do we fight and argue? No. She's working. She cleans up behind herself. She hangs out with her brother and Allie. She and Allie have a nice time having bash mom sessions and all kinds of trash talking. Funny thing is... I hear it from both of them what the other says so it's more amusing than anything else.

It's been an interesting time health wise for me. I was walking down the wheelchair ramp during one of our ice storms and holding tightly to the rail when, of course, I slipped and fell. Being the idiot that I am, I kept ahold of that rail as tight as I could. End result was that my arm went up and back behind me in some weird way while my body went down and sliding down the ramp. I tore the rotator cuff in my shoulder. Not something entirely unexpected or unlikely when you have loose joint disease and are a klutz. The doctors all got together and did a nice over-haul of my medical records and ordered some new tests and decided that I have EDS. Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. Type 3 obviously which is basically a more formal label for the stupid loose joints. You know what putting a label on it means to me? That I'm not crazy. LOL It also gives me a good idea of what I have to look forward to as I get older. Unfortunately, nothing that I care to look forward to so I'm going to ignore it and just deal with life as it goes. I also got to have the pleasure of having an abnormal mammogram. Because going in and having your boobs mashed once isn't fun enough. Have an abnormal one and then you can go back and get them mashed again. Harder and in more specific spots. Oh the fun of getting old. Wait! That wasn't any fun. I got the letter on a Saturday about the abnormal test results (of course). Bad news always comes on a weekend when there is no dealing with it. On the plus side, that gave me plenty of time to talk to my mom and make some decisions. My mom already went thru dealing with breast cancer. I made a different decision than she did. I had decided that if things came back unfavorably, I was declining treatment. For anyone who disagrees with that ... It wasn't your choice. I have many a good reason for the decision I was making and I don't have to debate them with anyone. However, the 2nd boob mashing showed that it was nothing to worry about so I didn't have to have that argument with any of you or any of my RL friends.

Last post was about depression and Allie. I'm taking my anti-depressants. I'm doing ok. Some days better than others. Take the revolving door that my kids seem to regard my home as. Combine it with the fact that Allie is still on a "drive wedges between B and mom" kick and that she is outspoken about that she is basically using me for a free ride till she can get out of school. Add in an over-abundance of financial worries and the fact that all of my RL friends live over 200 miles away and I would think it adequately explains that bad days that come and go. Sometimes, things are good for weeks on end and the pain levels are down and the disease doesn't kick my tail and I seem much more able to over-look the childish garbage that spews from these adult children's mouths. Then there are those times when my pain levels are up and the weather doesn't help these days at all and if you've seen the news, you've seen that TX has had enough rain to turn the state into a new lake and I don't need to explain much else. I find that my patience and tolerance for stupidity are directly related to how badly I'm hurting.

On the plus side, most of my garden survived the flood. Actually, we're on a hill so my house was entirely safe. This area is still in a flood warning and there is a LOT of water ... however, my home was never in any danger from flooding. Tornados now... we had one within 1/4 mile of the house that ran straight up the highway. But we're still all here and in one piece. Now my poor corn... One row was flat down facing north. 2 rows over, the row was flat down facing south. Sort of a freaky situation. All the rain didn't do much to help my green beans or peas but the cucumbers are vining nicely and I'm pretty sure I'll have enough to make about 200 jars of pickles. The tomatoes are looking nice. The rain and bugs did a job on my plums but I sprayed and I think the peaches are going to be ok. I'm hoping to be able to make some salsa this year. Not sure yet how that's going to work for me. I'm a bit unhappy about the plum situation. I really loved the plum jam I made last year and was looking forward to some more of it.

Ok, there's my catch up. Nothing new but the day. B and Allie took Elmer to Sonic to get some ice cream and they're all home now. Elmer has asked me to watch "Despicable Me" with him so we're cuddled up in my chair and I'm off here to enjoy a movie. Hope everyone out there is doing well. :)

Depression

2015-04-04T00:51:00.001-05:00

Depression is a killer. An honest to goodness real life killer. Panic disorder mixed with depression mixed with kids who think they know it all and that I'm old, stupid and out of date... not always a fun mix. B... never bad with me. He never has been. He was a mama's boy growing up. He's still a mama's boy.

He left here this morning upset with Allie. An occurrence that's been happening frequently lately. Yesterday, she had school and he was going to work late to be able to have a short day today. Then she told him that she had to work till 3. She couldn't get off any earlier - no chance. So he came home early yesterday to keep hours for the rest of the week. Imagine how happy he was this morning when she decided that she wasn't going to work. She's just oh too sick. Yep - she started her monthly so she skipped work and staying in bed till 2. Now mind you, he's a laid back kid but she turns feeling sick on and off with what she feels like doing. For example... she was oh so sick this morning and in so much pain but her grandpa called and she got dressed and was out the door in 30 minutes to hang with them and now she's out with friends at 12:30 AM so obviously she wasn't too sick today. And I know that there are women that have awful times at this time of the month. I used to get so sick from mine that I had to have a hysterectomy. But I never stayed in bed all day and ignored things that needed to be done. Of course, having 5 kids and no dad in the picture doesn't leave much time for feeling sorry for yourself and hypochondria. I had my hysterectomy on a Tuesday. Got out of the hospital on Friday and took the boys to baseball on Saturday. There was no one else to do it.

Last weekend, Allie had B drive her car to drive her home. She doesn't like driving in Texarkana. It's too much traffic for her so any time she has to go to town, if there is anyone else with her- she'll have them drive. She never did drivers ed, her mom forged the papers and lied and said she did so honestly, it's better for her to have someone else drive in bigger traffic areas. She's afraid of the traffic which makes you a more unsafe driver. Now, she's gotten 150 times better than she was. She really isn't a bad driver but... she texts when she's driving with is so very unsafe AND she's afraid to drive. If she had more self-confidence with her driving, she'd be ok. It's the very fear that she has that makes her unsafe in some situations. Caution and awareness of your surroundings... GOOD. Fear of a situation makes you hesitant and in when you're afraid to turn out of a business drive and get part way out in the road and stomp on your brakes out of fear of a car still 3 blocks away... BAD idea. Luckily, we live in a low traffic area out in the boondocks and so she's been able to work on this quirk of hers which, as I said, has steadily improved over the last few years. I really wish I could talk her into a defensive driving course - I think it would help her confidence level. Well, back to our story... some lady hit B in the parking lot as they were leaving his shop. Both kids have full coverage ins and the cop listed it as no-fault so... no biggie right? You would think so. But Allie has not quit going about this since it happened. She has brought it up in front of all of his friends and embarrassed him and made him feel like total crap over this. She even says it's not his fault and she knows it's not but then in the next breath... she's yelling at him again. It was so bad the other night that they came home (Weds night) and didn't speak to each other all night. She went to the room and stayed back there and he stayed out on the couch till after midnight. He didn't go to the room till after she was asleep. Now, we all know that in relationships, there will be disagreements and arguments even. However... This is the first time in 3 years of dating and 2 years of living together that they've ever had any type of issue like this. B was actually talking about moving away just to get away from her family. And then she can't figure out why B never wants to hang out with them when for a week straight now she's been telling him how mad they are at him. Mind you - the lady pulled out of a parking spot and hit HIM. He didn't hit her. She was late, had a newborn baby at home and had left something at work and she was flying thru the parking lot cutting thru the parking spaces when she ran into him. But Allie has been going on and on about how her grandparents will drop her off their ins and how B needs to fix this. Yet, I told her on Saturday when it happened to file on the lady's insurance and she didn't bother to do that until YESTERDAY - a full FIVE days later. Which, of course, gave the lady time to file on hers first which the lady did bright and early Monday morning. So really she should be mad at herself for procrastinating which caused her 10x more headaches. Kids.

Now, I am the mom. And it has been oh so hard for me to sit back and not say anything about what's going on. And for anyone of you that know me in real life - you would be surprised at how good I have been at not saying a word one. Of course, my tongue might have permanent teeth marks in it but I've learned over the years that if I say anything - it just makes everyone mad at me so I've been oh so good and not said a single word. Is Allie still my favorite DIL ever? Yep. I love her. I adore her. But she is a 19 year old child. And she sees things thru 1. a warped view of the past from living with her mom who is totally psychotic so some of the things that her mom taught her were "normal" are so far from being considered normal that no one can follow her thought process which that situation has gotten better in the last 2 years too but every so often... DAMN - something happens and her mom comes out of Allie's actions and behavior and it makes us all go "wow!". Usually this is when she and B get into one of their very infrequent differences of opinion. And 2 - she's a 19 year old CHILD. She is still in that "the world revolves around me" stage to where she doesn't look at the bigger picture to see how all of our actions affect those around us. Now this is VERY normal for that age and I should handle it better when any of the kids make one of those idiot moves caused by lack of consideration of the rest of us. All of my boys have shown this same tendency some days and it aggravates me when they do it too. Difference is, I taught my kids that their actions DO affect others and they're usually pretty good at looking at the bigger picture whereas Allie's grandparents have given her the impression that she's better than everyone and since they have always jumped when she whines she wants - she has the irrational view point that everyone should treat her like that. This too has gotten oh so much better so we don't see that side of Allie anymore so when she gets on a prima donna kick - I'm not good at handling it. I'm not good at girlie drama and whining at all actually. God knew what he was doing giving me boys because I'm at a loss with that girlie drama stuff. So yes, I still adore her. I realize that part of the issues are me. That I'm not good at dealing with girlie drama and that there are times that I don't react as well as I should when it all starts. However, I am here venting and not sticking my nose in and commenting on the 3 day running fight that they've been in so for me - I've been wonderful in this situation. :)

Well, thanks for listening to me vent. All this drama and complaining and putting people down has really not been good for my panic disorder and depression. I've woken up having night terrors several times this week in a full blown panic to where I've had to take medicine at 4 AM and it's thrown off my schedule. It's also made me afraid to go to sleep and if any of y'all have ever had a night terror - you'll know why. Anywho, thanks again. Hope everyone has a wonderful Easter!

So happy :)

2015-04-01T21:57:00.000-05:00

When I posted this post: the number one question was "why is Allie cleaning the neighbor's kitchen?" Well, she said she was doing it for the money to pay me back for her dog's vet bill. However, bill is still not paid in full and I actually never saw a dime one from the money she claimed she was working for. I actually don't know if she ever got paid. But B has since stopped hanging out with that neighbor which is good since the guy went back on drugs and B is smart enough to stay away from there since the dude is using. My kid is not stupid thank God.

    Ruth called me this afternoon. I'm so happy. For an update... Ice Cube isn't seeing Elmer. He hasn't seen him since Halloween 2014 and hasn't called him since Nov 2014. Ruth told him that if he disappeared out of Elmer's life again, that she wasn't going to be so nice again. That it wasn't good for Elmer to have him coming and going. Now, as a mom, I want my son to be a better dad to his child than his dad was to him. BUT - as a mom, I understand how awful it is for a child to have their parent come and go and not be a reliable and steady part in a child's life. And so does IC. He knows how much it hurt to have their dad just disappear and not come around for years on end. The difference is - IC is actually an good dad when he's with Elmer and Elmer adores him. SD - well, let's say that the kids begged me to leave him and they hated him coming home off the road (he was an over-the-road trucker). I would tell my kids "Daddy is coming home" and I would get a response like "well, how long does he have to stay this time?" or "Does he have to come back?" because he was so abusive when he came home and everything had to be just so when he came in. He would throw things if an ash tray wasn't exactly where he wanted it. And when SD came off the road, all he wanted to do was hang with his cousins and party - he didn't care to spend time with our kids except to yell at them for stuff that I mostly ignored. IC however, plays with Elmer and ... well, I think it's sad that he's losing all this time with his son.

   B, Allie and I have stayed heavily involved. When school pix were done, Ruth sent me the info and I ordered a package - both fall and spring. We also ordered basketball pix. We were able to drive down and actually watch 2 of his basketball games. We helped with school clothes and supplies. We took him for 10 days at Christmas and the 2 months we haven't actually gotten to see him, we've been sent him a package thru the mail with some little things that he enjoys. We've made the effort to be a part of his life despite the distance. And Ruth has been very accommodating with us inviting us to stay at their home and making the effort to call me to keep me informed and we Face Time him at least once a week which if he asks to talk to us, she lets him call.

    Anyhow, I was worried about summer. We didn't get to see him on spring break. He had a chance to go to a survival camp (this is TX and he's ALLLLLL into hunting and camo and fishing and stuff like that). This camp was only $60 for the week - 9 hours a day for 5 days - and some of his friends from school were going and he was oh so excited to go. Mom (Ruth) went and got him a new camo backpack for camp and a canteen and he was so happy. They did rock climbing (inside wall) and cooking over a campfire in tin foil and all kinds of neat things as well as crafts and games. It was a great opportunity for him and in all fairness to him - I didn't even broach bringing him here since this was going to be so much more fun for him. But ... Ruth called today and offered us the whole month of June plus a couple of weeks in July. She's going to get him back for his birthday which is totally understandable but I'm getting him for the rodeo that we take him to every year and she's bringing him at least 1/2way for the exchanges on her dime which is a definite plus for my budget. I have to admit, I was a bit scared to bring up the summer but I really wanted to spend time with him and now Ruth has offered us more time than I dared to hope for. It's not like I have any legal right to visitation. But I'm extremely grateful and I'm happy as anything. Like bouncing off the walls happy about getting this much time with him. A weekend here and there during school isn't the same as having him here for almost a month straight. And it's not like he doesn't ask to call me cause he does... whenever something big happens, he calls. He calls me after the games I don't get to go to and Ruth and her mom both take pictures and text them to me or tag me in them on FB. But that's not an extended period of time to hug on him and go to movies or take him to his bounce house that he likes or bowling. And I'll sign him up for the kids bowl again this year which gives him 2 free games a day all summer long. And that boy does love to bowl! Oh I'm so excited and there's still 2 months to wait. But we're supposed to be going down there one weekend this month to watch one of his t-ball games.

    I miss this smiling face and little hugs so much!

Target practice with his BB gun

Elmer with my mom when she was in for graduation

He's one bad ninja :)

When B had his knee surgery, Elmer told him "Don't worry Uncle B, I will take care of you" This might be my favorite picture of all time

He does love playing games at Chuck E Cheese

My 2 guys at graduation. When they called B's name Elmer yelled "Go Uncle B!" Yes, those little yellow things are cords for maintaining a better than 3.5 GPA thru 4 years of school.

The daughter I never had

2015-02-05T22:38:00.000-06:00

     I love Allie. She is the daughter I never had. Yes, I know I had Tara but Tara and I have never been close. One year for my birthday, Tara got me a coffee pot. I don't drink coffee. Never have. Can't stand the stuff. Don't even like the smell. So why would Tara buy me a coffee pot you might ask? Tara loves coffee. At that time, Tara was the only one in the house that drank coffee. Essentially, she bought herself a coffee pot. For my birthday. Tara's activity in high school was writing. She did well at it and it's not that we weren't proud of her but no one was allowed in the room with her. And she would get mad that I wouldn't go stand in a hallway for hours with my bad joints to wait for her to compete behind a closed door and then drive home all without even being able to see her. Of course, that didn't last long because she was kicked off the team for inappropriate behavior of which I won't even go into on here because it really doesn't matter.   When Tara got into the pre-teen and teen years, she had some issues and spent most of her time acting out or (as any typical teen) locked in her room and unfortunately, I never had the type of relationship with her that I would have liked to have. I spent my time with Tara doing things like taking back items she bought with hot checks so she didn't go to jail or taking her to counseling sessions or dealing with her tossing lit cigarettes in garbage cans and setting the house on fire. And since she turned 18, she's been engaged 4 times and for the last 7 years, she's been with Tom (on and off), the ex-con, who has physically threatened or actually attacked 3 of the boys and has made it feasibly impossible to have any type of close relationship with Tara. So when I say Allie is the daughter I never had ... she is. We are close. Does this mean we always get along? No. Like any family, we have times that we get on each others nerves. Times that I want to string her up from a ceiling fan and beat her with a wet noodle. And times that I'm sure she'd like to toss me out a moving car.

    But we do those mother/daughter things like go to lunch together. She's got my back and she's here when I need her. She stands up for me and the time that some lady backed into my car in a parking lot and then got rude with me because she was on the phone and not paying attention, Allie didn't let that lady get rude with me for long. She was right there standing up for me. She thinks about what I like and when it's Mothers Day or my birthday, the presents are things that are for me. Things that she knows I like or need but things that are just for me.

     Tonight is one of those nights that I don't know whether to hug her or beat her. Allie, for all I love her, is not one that likes to clean. Ever. We have an ongoing battle about the bedroom and her laundry. Her side of the room looks like an episode of hoarders. Piles of this and that. She's the one that tosses the clean clothes from the laundry basket on the floor digging thru her basket for what she wants rather than putting it away. She doesn't do dishes or unload the dishwasher. I can't even get her to rinse a dish more days than not. The child sheds bobby pins like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown shed dirt behind him. I am OCD and she isn't and it's usually the biggest things we fight about. It's about the only thing we fight about actually.   So, where is my loving daughter this evening? Cleaning the neighbors kitchen. Seriously. The child that has loaded our dishwasher a total of 3 times in over 2 years. The child that is physically unable to remember to put the cereal up when she makes a bowl. The child who laughingly calls her car a dumpster because it needs cleaned out so badly. The child who has easily 2 weeks of clean laundry in a pile in her bedroom now with no less than 5 hoodies tossed over a chair in her room. That child is cleaning a kitchen that she's never eaten in. It makes me laugh. At the same time, I told her that it really hurts my feelings since whenever I ask her for house around the house - I get excuses. She's too "busy" or "tired" or just plain "doesn't feel like it". She will promise to help me on this day or that but when the time comes, it never happens. Don't get me wrong. Allie has so many other good qualities and she's there for me in so many other ways - this is a minor thing in our relationship usually. Till she's cleaning someone else' house. Which cracks me up every time I think it even. I honestly didn't know the kid knew how to clean. Oh and doing it on a night when she came home sick from school and skipped her anatomy lab because she was feeling so sick. Yeah, I mentioned the basket of laundry that looks more like a 3 story building about to fall over and she was "too sick" to put any of it away today. But she felt well enough to go out to lunch (after saying she had to come home from school nauseous) and to go clean a kitchen down the road. I'm not one to have much sympathy for anyone who only feels ill when it's convenient for them and then feels fine when they have something they want to do.

    That's my sarcasm for today. I'm looking forward to this weekend. B has to work and Allie and I are going to do the mama/daughter thing. Lunch some place, probably some shopping. Luckily Allie knows me well enough that she doesn't ask me to go with her to get her hair done. Pedicures... yes. I'm not a big one on getting my nails done but when I have someplace to go like church, Allie does them for me.   But she knows me well enough to know that I just don't really enjoy that type of stuff and she doesn't make me go every time she wants to go. That's the good thing. It's a give and take. Sometimes we do things I like - sometimes we do things she enjoys more and most of the time we do things we both enjoy. Like Red Lobster appetizers when B is working because he hates seafood and we both love it. Or a movie that we both want to see that maybe he doesn't or he's willing to wait for the DVD because he hates the movie theater. Buying that boy a movie ticket is a waste of money.   Allie says he has movie theater allergies. While he enjoys watching movies at home - put him in a theater and he's asleep within 5 minutes. But Saturday matinees are cheap and it's something she and I like to do once in a while.

    Well, I have a dog that thinks she's a lap dog invading my space and begging for attention so I guess I better give it to her before she squishes me. Not sure why she's like this but she's been whining at me and attention hogging all day. Spoiled brat. Hope everyone has had a great week!

See Baby's blue face? This is where Elmer decided it would be fun to let Baby eat his blue finger paints. He also put a blue streak down the top of her head :)

This is how Ms Spoiled sleeps in my bed. Told you she was a spoiled brat

Monkey got a new Spiderman dress up for Christmas. He loves to dress up as a ninja or Spiderman or a Ninja Turtle

Allie and I took him to the bounce house place when he was here. He has NO fear of the big slide

He was sooooo cute!

2015-02-02T17:32:00.000-06:00

     What. A. Weekend. Holy cow! I'm getting too old for this! We had a great weekend but how exhausting! First the long long drive down to where Elmer lives on Friday night. He didn't know we were coming. He was so surprised when we got there and he came running to hug me and then went straight to his B. We got to visit with him for only a little bit Friday night because he had to be up for an early basketball game Sat morning. But we got lots of hugs and then off to bed the monkey went.

    B, Allie and I sat up and visited with Ruth and her mom. Her boyfriend, Steve, was at work. B and Ruth picked up like they'd never left off. Picking on each other. Teasing each other. I was very glad that Allie isn't the jealous type like Toni used to be.   Don't get it wrong - B and Ruth aren't at all inappropriate. They have a sibling type relationship. But Toni used to get all worked up over stupid stuff like that. She was jealous and got worked up if B played video games with his brothers or his uncle. She got nuts when he talked to anyone else male or female. So a trip like this would have been ridiculously uncomfortable for everyone. The kids all had fun taking off and running to get scratch off tickets that evening. We stayed up much too late visiting... well, everyone but Allie who fell out on the couch and it was way too early in the morning when I heard the pitter patter of little feet whispering that he wanted to see if "memaw was up". We all stumbled around getting ready for the game at o'dark-thirty to get out the door on time.

     The game was fun and cute. He scored more baskets than any of the other kids on either team. And he was so cute on defense with his hands all up blocking the other little kid from getting the ball. At one time, he scored at least 4 baskets and no other kid on either team scored. He would score a basket, go down on defense, get the rebound, dribble the ball down the court, and score again. It was wonderful to be able to watch.

     After basketball we went back and ate and hung out at the house for a bit. Ruth, Allie and I went and did a store run while Steve, B and Elmer hung out at the house and played video games and then we all took a trip to the driving range so Elmer could show us how well he could hit the ball. He has his own little set of clubs. Steve showed B how to hold a golf club and B did pretty well. Not me. I can't twist and bend like that. I just took pix and video.

     All in all it was a good and peaceful trip. All except the tears when we told Elmer we had to leave Sunday morning. B had company coming for Super Bowl and he wanted to be back in time for the kick off. But we told him we would see him soon and to have fun with mommy and Steve. They were going to go do something with him yesterday afternoon and distract him. And he called us last night. He was watching the Super Bowl because "his B was". He talked to B and asked him if he was on the "singing part".

    I know people think it's weird or off that we spend time with Ruth and her new boyfriend in their home or that they're welcome in ours. But honestly, it's all for Elmer. We all have one very important thing in common... we love that little boy with everything we have. And I have nothing against Steve. Why would I? He's good to Elmer. Elmer will tell us that Steve is his "best friend". Elmer loves him and he's good to my baby and that's really what's important. And B and Ruth didn't break up. They have no reason not to still be friends. Does that make us less "loyal" to Ice Cube? We will always love him. He is my son, B's brother. Nothing will change that. And I know that he thinks it has to be an either/or situation.   But it shouldn't have to be. Ever. With any break-up. It is so much better on a child when everyone gets along. They don't feel torn. They don't feel like they're "bad" for loving someone. They don't have to choose sides.

   May God always let us have a good relationship with Ruth and her family so that it's easiest on Elmer. Wouldn't that be so much nicer for everyone? :)

Our Monkey!

2015-01-30T13:38:00.000-06:00

   Elmer is playing basketball. Ruth signed him up for an upward program which is a church program. She signed him up for the Upward program because it teaches not only the basketball skills but good sportsmanship skills. Mostly at least. There was an issue last week with one of the refs. I might have to move some of these posts over to the password protected blog again... Unfortunately, Tara is stalking this blog again and trying to use and twist any info she can get from here so ... What's new right?

     Anyhow, Ruth has invited us down to see him play. Open invitation. We have managed to clear a weekend to go and we will be going to see him before season ends. I can NOT wait. There are so many things involved in making a trip like that. B has to be able to get off work. Advance planning to make sure that all bills are paid. A weekend when we don't have a ton of bills due. His shop covered. Financially having money to go. Allie being caught up on homework and not having to work. Now, Ruth has been great. She offered to loan us money to come even but we didn't want to go that route if it could be avoided. Then we have to set it up to have someone stay here at the house for the animals and to make sure that no one gets any stupid ideas.   For the same reason, we won't be able to post on FB or on here when we have plans to go so that no one tries to rob the house thinking we're gone. Of course, anyone that stupid would be liable to run into an armed Little Man who I hope he won't have a party the weekend we're gone.

     Ruth and her mom have been keeping us up with basketball both practice and games. They take plenty of pictures and videos and share them and tag me in them. Our monkey also learned to tie his shoes which Ruth was kind enough to video and send that to me too. These things help during the times that we don't get to spend with him. It's been Memaw withdrawal since he started school. It's been almost a month since we took him back from Christmas break and I'm desperately missing my Elmer hugs.

     Our monkey has discovered roller skating. His school did some trip to go skating and he absolutely loved it. He loved it so much that it's become one of his favorite things to do. His granny took him last weekend and he tried roller blades for the first time. He was doing the hokey pokey on roller blades. Thankfully, his granny videoed it and I got to see. He is growing up too quickly and I hate that we live so far away and miss so much of it. I'm thankful that his mama has him facetime us and show us his work and tell us what's going on and that she texts and keeps us in the loop. I'm thankful that B and Ruth stayed friends and that Ice Cube and Ruth's break-up didn't affect their fondness for each other and that Allie isn't the type to be threatened by B's friendship with his brother's ex. I wish that IC was a part of all this.   But I can't change his choices.

    Facetime, however, is my friend. Have you ever Facetimed with a 5 year old? It's a great thing if you don't mind watching the floor, the ceiling, being set down while they run to get a Popsicle, sat face down on the table and spinning in circles. And you have the added benefit of spending a good part of the conversation with the monkey spinning the phone around and giggling at it making you dizzy while you beg to see his cute face. But other than those little inconveniences... it's better than regular phone conversations.

     Well, I need to get mopping these floors. I've already swept once but the dogs are shedding horribly and I need to sweep and mop again before the kids get off and trash the house this weekend. Naaaaa, they're not really that bad ... There are just a lot of them coming in and out. TGIF all!

look at that boy jump!

during a game

love his little glasses! Sure do miss that sweet face :)

Does quiet = bad?

2015-01-16T20:10:00.000-06:00

     Is no news, good news? Is quiet a bad thing?

   It's been quiet around here. Abnormally so. Hurricane has mostly settled in with Vix and Cal. They are helping him to get back on his feet and make a break from all the bad influences in his life. He realized that he's pushing 30 and that he didn't have a lot to show for what done and decided to make a change. From his vows to Gods ears.

   Haven't heard a word one from Ice Cube or Tara. Since what I do hear has been rude lately, I'm not complaining there. I wish them the best and hope that things are going well for both of them. Do I miss the drama of midnight phone calls that involved Tom on the other end drunk? Nope. Do I miss any drama? Nope. I enjoy peace and quiet. I enjoy nights at home with a bonfire or fire in the fireplace and the company of the kids. Sitting around enjoying the shows we like or watching a movie. One of B's co-workers and his wife just split up. Chris has been spending a lot of time here at the house. To show his appreciation, he picked up some charcoal and some steaks and fixings this evening. Yum is all I have to say. For one - I didn't have to cook - the boys did the grill work. They put corn on the cob on the grill as well as asparagus and the steaks.

     Allie is back in school. New semester started. The "we'll help you with gas for school" that she heard from dad and grandparents.... lies. She hasn't had a dime of help. She got a little here and there last semester. She hasn't seen squat this. Supposedly, they had 15 grand in a bank account for school expenses. I don't buy it. Oh they might have it - I just don't believe she'll ever see it. They're all pretty all talk and no action from what I've seen the last 2 years. She's making it. Week by week but it's not been easy. The good things in life never are.

    Little Man is doing well. He's still enjoying his job working for the electrician. He got another raise which helps him too. He's paying off his tickets, helping with the groceries and electric bill and getting ahead.

    So, I sit here this evening with a full belly of steak and other goodies. 4 of my kids are at a good spot in life this evening. LM is going to the movies and for dinner with his current lady. Allie is in there doing dishes and they just got home from the store picking up snacks for this evenings tv time. These are the nights that save my sanity and keep me going knowing that there's hope. That at least some of my kids are doing well. And hope that the others will find their way back on the right path.

Have a great weekend!

Nope - it's still chaos

2015-01-12T22:08:00.000-06:00

   I swear it's never ending.   Yesterday was Ice Cube's birthday. 24 years old. Mom called trying to find out how to reach him. She wanted to send him a birthday card. I don't know if he ever even got his Christmas stuff from Vix and Cal's. I took it down there thinking Hurricane would give it to him but I don't think they've even seen each other. I am such a "bad mom", I sent him a message on FB to wish him a Happy Birthday. Horrid aren't I? No matter what he's done and we've sure found out a lot here lately, he's still my son. And despite the venom that he has to listen to all the time from Tom and Tara and the fact that he has ALWAYS been a follower and not a leader... He can be as hateful as he wants. I might not always like his actions but I will always love him and want the best for him. He is mean and nasty right now and all I got in response was some hate filled nastiness. I'm still hearing the "he's on drugs" refrain coming at me from everyone who knows him down there. 3 different people have also thrown out accusations of theft but I'm sure hoping that none of this is true. I do know that just before Christmas, Tom was accused of stealing several hundred dollars from a BBQ place. The guys that own it are (maybe were now after this) friends with Hurricane and they had Tom dead to rights in the theft. They gave him a chance to repay the money stolen and I heard he did. No idea how much truth is behind all the stories... I try to avoid even discussing what that particular part of the family is up to since it's never anything but drama and stress.

    My mom called and she was upset that she couldn't reach IC for his birthday.   She said she had been trying to call Tara for several days to try and reach him and that while Tara's voice was on the machine - no one ever answered or returned her calls. Then she tells me that the previous time that she had spoken to Tara, that Tom was in the background running off at the mouth. I think we all know the type of person I'm talking about. You call to talk to a friend or family member and there's that person that sits in the background and comments and voices an opinion of every word spoken. Tom is one of those people. Mom made the mistake of telling Tara that she wanted to speak to her and that Tom needed to stay out of it. Yep. She hasn't heard from Tara since. I told her - nope, and she probably won't. She made the mistake of saying something about Tom. Tara isn't allowed to talk to her now.

     It's always the same story with them. Tom causes a boatload of problems. Everyone ends up not talking to Tara because you can't have a conversation with her without him sticking his nose in and starting drama. We go months/years without talking to her. The attempt to mend the breach is made. Tom promises that he will stay out of it if we will just talk to Tara (which of course we miss her). We say - no drama. It goes ok for a while and then Tom just can't keep to his word. The middle of the night drunken calls start with him cussing and telling us that Tara is a "whore" and "stupid dumb ______" . The calls come in where he says he kicked her out and she's homeless and on the street. Same thing - he's drinking or they're drinking and get into it. The stuff starts where he starts trying to control everyone else too. Yes, he controls her. That's her choice. If she didn't want to live like that - she could leave. She chooses to stay in an abusive, drug/alcohol filled relationship. I can't judge. I did it for 10 years with my ex before I got courage to leave. Mom and I both have the same fear. That he drives us all out of her life and that one day, we'll get the call telling us that she's missing or dead. Tara, of course, tells us that we're "crazy" but Tom chased his previous wife with a knife threatening to kill her in front of their children. He chased Little Man around with a knife when he was only 15 years old making the same threats. The control came this time with him trying to force us to go to where they were living. In the last year that we started chatting again, they've lived in no less than 5 different places including a motel. Anyhow, we drive 180 miles to get from where we are now to the metroplex. Tom said that they were "making all the effort" to leave their home and meet up with us by driving 15-25 miles (depending on where they were living that month) to meet up with us. 180 vs 25.... does not equal them making "ALL" the effort. They drove less than 1/7 of the distance that we did. They have roaches and bed bugs... nooooo I don't want to go to their house. I don't want to bring that stuff back home. Plus with the drugs and alcohol issue - I'm a firm believer in personal safety. I've seen how Tom gets. Heck, he couldn't even keep it together for a few hours to have dinner with my mom.    I'll pass.

    So, IC is being hateful. Not sure if it's because we recovered the stuff that he stole. Close to $1000 in baseball cards that came up missing off the wall and out of B's room on top of the bracelet as well as some other things were recovered. Not sure if it's because of Ruth's mandate where Elmer was concerned. If that's it - then he's mad at me over something I couldn't control. I'm not getting into the middle of that. I'm the grandma - I'm just here to love our monkey. And IC has offered to sign off his rights several times to both me, B, and now Ruth's boyfriend which I don't like the idea of but rather than having Elmer hurt... maybe it would be best? I really can't judge. I know Elmer loves his daddy and he thought he was going to see his daddy for Christmas. We just told him that daddy wasn't at our house and left it at that. What's sad is - Elmer didn't ask where he was or why he wasn't coming. He didn't ask about him while he was here or ask me to call him. He told us that "Steven" was his best friend and his step-dad. I hate that he talks about Ruth's boyfriend more than his own dad. I know that IC loves his son. I know that when he's with Elmer, he's a good daddy. I hate that he doesn't realize that sometimes you give up what you want and make sacrifices to be there for your child(ren). I hate that he doesn't put Elmer first over his own wants. Not his needs. His wants. It doesn't matter how he feels about me or Ruth. It doesn't matter if we're upset at him or what we think - it's all about Elmer. He gets mad at me for talking to Ruth. She's Elmer's mom. Yes, we speak. We talk about his grades, his awards, his basketball team, his behavior in school. She has him call us when he does well or if he gets in trouble. We call her when he's here so they can talk. We send pictures - she sends pictures.   I respect her for the job she does as his mom. She is on the PTA... she's team mom for his basketball team... She's homeroom mom... she works a full-time job... she makes his lunch every day and she makes neat lunches. No matter what she did back in the day when they were together, she is putting Elmer first now. No matter what disagreements we have had in the past, she deserves my respect and Elmer deserves to have people in his life who put him first so we do. That's the long and short of it. I called him yesterday and he's 5 - he was all into some TV show and wouldn't talk to us. So this evening when he was more settled and eating dinner, Ruth put him on Facetime and had him call again. And he talked for close to 15 minutes. She didn't have to do that for me.   I appreciate that she did. It was a wonderful surprise.

    I hate that IC is upset with me. I hate that he's not spending time with Elmer. I wish that he could have a long, happy, productive life. I wish that I had tossed Alayna right back out the door when Elmer came down here this last time. He was clean and doing well and I let a soft heart over-ride my common sense. I make mistakes. I know I'm not perfect. I thought she wanted to get straight and I wish I had never taken that chance with my son's future. But I made that mistake and now I'm paying for it in spades.

    I'm hoping that everyone else is having a better New Year than this has been so far for me. Although, as far as things are going with B, Allie, and Little Man - things are going great! And we're going to drive to where Elmer lives to watch our monkey play basketball one of these weekends soon plus Ruth specifically invited us for the weekend of his awards ceremony and his last game. I'm hoping to see another game other than that one too so cross your fingers that gas prices stay low so we can see 2 of them. :)

part 2... sorry for the delay :)

2015-01-06T11:21:00.000-06:00

     First off... Sorry that I didn't finish this story faster. Elmer was here from the 26th thru the 4th so that took priority over everything. There were stipulations on our visit with him - a first.   Ice Cube was not allowed to be here or call him while he was at our house this time. That might have changed if he had called Ruth as she had requested. She's pretty reasonable when it comes down to it but she said she was sick of him disappearing, not calling Elmer for months on end and then showing up when I have visitation and managing to avoid facing Ruth. Additionally, Ruth had heard from somewhere (her dad I believe) that IC was using drugs again.   I don't know if it's true or not, honestly. I'm 200 miles away and I haven't really spoken with him. I know with his past, I can see how Ruth would have serious concerns and as a parent, I was there with SD and I would probably have done the same thing.

    But, back to our story... As I said, Tara managed to aggravate Vix to the point of jumping in her car and running Hurricane the 40 miles out to their home to pick things up. Then they weren't there. I'm sure a set up instigated by Tom to tr and cause an uproar. However, H. got his stuff and left before they got there so they cut Tom off with what he was trying to pull. Something that didn't set well with Tom since he wanted a fight. Tom LOVES to fight. That's why he's on probation for hitting Tara and why he has no less than 6 other domestic violence charges. So he called the police on H and Vix. He told the police that Vix had kicked in their door and that Hurricane had threatened his 70 year old uncle to get thru the door and that he had trashed the house. Hurricane was worried.   Vix and I - not worried. Mad. Meanwhile, Tom was busy calling Vix anonymously and steadily cussing and ranting and raving. Harassment at it's finest. So when the next call in private name/private number, Vix answered the phone "What now Tom?" It was an officer who responded "Please don't insult me like that". That set the tone for her conversation with the officer who was laughing and joking with her. To quote the officer - H had every right to go in and retrieve his belongings without them being there. He didn't even have to knock. He did tell Vix that Hurricane couldn't go back now or it would be trespassing. Vix responded that if he were stupid enough to go back again, the officer wouldn't be hearing from her because she would be done with him. Again, the officer laughed. They also got a good laugh over the accusation of Hurricane trashing their home. The officer said it was extremely obvious that Tara was just an extremely poor house keeper. He was interested in the video since it showed illegal things at Tom and Tara's that weren't there (of course) when they called the police out there. Additionally, the officer was very interested in the living conditions of the uncle so I'm hoping mama Karma is going to do her thing and they'll see some headaches and stress over all this. It's only right with all the headaches and stress they've caused everyone else. Actually, if Karma does her thing, Tom will find himself in jail since he filed false accusations trying to lie and put someone else in jail. Unfortunately, it probably won't work out that way but I don't think I've ever been this furious.

    They also decided it would be a good idea to call my 73 year old mother and drag her into this. Of course, Tara wasn't honest. She tried to sell my mom on all the same false accusations. It didn't help that Tom was in the background running his mouth. Mom said she had to tell Tara that she didn't want to hear anything else from Tom. Tara tried to tell her that it wasn't Tom but mom said that she's not stupid and she sees right thru Tom. Like I said, he made a very poor first impression. The big attention seeking pity party that he was supposedly having a bad case of the DT's because he had quit drinking... again. Which ... again .... didn't last but I don't think anyone expected it to anyhow. But while we all sat at a restaurant at a table waiting on him to quit taking his childish fit, mom ended up sick from not being able to eat when she needed to with her medicine. If Tara thinks that mom bought into her garbage, she didn't.

    The bracelet however was returned. As were the baseball cards that had been stolen from B's room. Ruth found those in Ice Cube's things that were left at her dads house and she was kind enough to call Allie and ask if they were B's. They were. Including an autographed Nolan Ryan card from when he played for the Astros and a Lyle Overbay autographed rookie card. Ruth found 10 of B's cards. Every single one of them was either a jersey card or an autographed card. B ... not real happy. But Ruth got them back for him and he has them back in his possession now.   There is still a bracelet of Allie's that is missing but I know my kid. She is a hoarder. She puts things places and forgets and she is very messy. At last count, Allie had 22 drawers full of clothes and scarves and junk. So, I refuse to think that the bracelet was actually stolen until my messy kid actually goes thru her stuff and cleans up those drawers.

   Ruth has Elmer on social networking - well, her mom does but they have his page locked down for family only. We have all left messages for him on there over the years and when he gets old enough, Ruth will release the page to him and he can read all the loving messages and see all the pictures of the trips we've all taken with him.   After all the drama and chaos Tara and Tom caused before Christmas, Ruth and I had a talk and I suggested that to protect Elmer, removing them off his page might be best for now. With the drinking and the drug usage and the fact that Tom isn't allowed around his own kids without supervision. It's not like they have been an active part of Elmer's life. Tara has only seen him a handful of times... Tom, less than that. ALWAYS in public places. And the last time, Elmer was with us when Tom was taking his lack of alcohol induced temper tantrum. Tom didn't show any concern for mom or Elmer when he showed his tail and is obviously unable to control himself or his behavior to put a best foot forward where there are children concerned. We do not fight around Elmer. We have too little time with him to waste any of it on stupid, petty drama. So, as Ruth told Tara - she removed people from his page who aren't an active part in his life. It wasn't just them - she removed a few others too. I'm sure Tara is mad at me about it because in her eyes, nothing Tom does is wrong. He beats her up and she lies to the police about it and makes excuses for him. So, she wouldn't get how their relationship and how Tom acted with my mom on the phone and calling Vix would affect all other relationships. My bio-mom tells me that she keeps sending my step-dad a friends request. It's been ignored and re-sent several times. But another person who wasn't real impressed when she met Tom.... Another person who isn't happy with how they've treated people especially me.

    As for everyone else. We had a nice Christmas. We got Elmer the day after and had him for over a week. We did the Chuck E Cheese thing, and the bounce house place, and took him out to eat and bowling. The night he got here, B went and picked him up his favorite corn nuggets. It was a great visit! Life here is settling back down although we have yet to dig out of the financial hole that we fell into. I figure the bills are paid and with any luck, we'll eat this month. LOL Things always come together when you're trying to do things the right way. :) And like I said - the bills are paid and that puts us up on some folks. Happy New Year y'all!

If it isn't one of them.... it's another.

2014-12-24T21:16:00.003-06:00

    Well, Merry Christmas to all of us. Tom strikes again. This may or might not get all out in one post... But here's the start.

    Ice Cube cleaned out the shed about a week before he left here. Apparently, he found one of my dad's bracelets "on the floor". He says he picked it up and put it in the pocket of his backpack intending to give it to me and then forgot. The bracelet had been packed away in Little Man's stuff from when we moved him out of his apartment. It is quite possible that with everyone digging thru the shed and moving boxes, that it fell out. LM thinks that IC went thru his stuff and took it. I'm choosing to give IC the benefit of the doubt. He said it was an accident and he meant to give it back. Ok. Well, when I went to town for Vix's birthday on Sunday night, I saw Hurricane. He mentioned that IC had this bracelet. Um... no. Not his. It needs returned. This is all BEFORE I talked to IC and he explained things mind you. So, I told H that I needed to talk to his brother and 2. I wanted the bracelet returned. It does NOT have a large financial value. It's the fact that Dad passed away 10 years ago and mom gave this to LM. He has slept with it by the head of his bed since.

    So at this point, all is good. IC intends to give it back. H knows I want it returned. Hurricane was going to pick it up from Tara and Tom's house where IC had it in his belongings when Hurricane went to pick up his own belongings. Both boys had been hanging at their sister's house at this point. Well now here is where things start getting dicey. Tom finds out about the bracelet. How? Hurricane mentioned it to Tara. Tara gets the bracelet to "put it up" and Tom decides that he's not going to let either one of the boys touch it. EXCUSE ME? Who the H*LL does he think he is? My dad never met him. My dad would never have approved of him nor liked him. He has only met my mom once and he made a HORRIBLE impression. All having fits cause he needed alcohol and went out to his car to pout and ended up where my mom got sick from her medicine while everyone waited on him to stop pouting in his vehicle. So, now Tara takes the bracelet from IC's stuff and she's not going to let either boy bring it TO ME. Huh? Yeah... that's what I was thinking. So Tom mandates that he will drive the bracelet and IC's belongings to Vix and Cals house. Whatever ... fine with me. I could care less at this point. NOW however, Hurricane has a problem. Apparently Tara and Tom have gone thru his things before and stolen things. He doesn't want them touching his stuff. By this point, I'm getting to the : You've got to be kidding me stage. So Vix was going to drive Hurricane out there to get his things. Nope. Tom says that Vix can't be on his property. Well, here's a little lesson in law bubba. Hurricane has been living there. He can go at any point and time to get his things. You can't lock him out. Legally, that was his place of residence. So, Tara calls Vix and gets mouthy with her. Thanks Tara! Vix, before that point, didn't really feel like running 40 miles up the road to pick up Hurricane's clothes but she's primed and ready to go now.   So Tara tells her to come right then - no regard for the fact that Cal has to take medicine at certain times or that some of those meds are heart medications and can't be late. No regard for the fact that it's close to a 2 hour round trip. Just a phone call with Tom in the background calling Vix names like "fat c*nt" and "b*&ch" demanding everyone jump to their tune. Well, the offended Vix enough that she did jump.   She and H drove out there....And they were NOT home. When Vix called Tara - Tara said that they had "an errand to run" and that they should sit outside and wait and the would be home "in an hour or so". Remember the disabled man lying in the bed at the home who had medicine coming up due? Yeah... like I said - Tara doesn't think about anyone else. I'm sure whatever errand it was, it didn't take both of them to run it. This was just Tom trying to manipulate people and make their life harder yet again. So H knocked on the door and Tom's uncle let him in. And then freaked out saying that Tom would "kill him" for letting H in the house. H was in the house for less than 30 sec at a time. Vix said (and videoed) H running in the house, grabbing his already packed belongings and running back out. He sat his bags down on the ground and ran back in not even taking time to load them into the car. Of course, the house was nasty. Beer cans everywhere. Their paraphernalia (marijuana) stuff laying out - no wonder he wanted out of there. Not to mention the bugs that they have due to the fact that Tara did NOT take after her mother when it comes to housekeeping skills.

   They loaded up the car with his belongings, minus the still missing bracelet and left. They were at the home less than 7 minutes start to finish. But for Tom... the fact that Hurricane managed to get his belongings while avoiding the "sit in the car and wait scenario" or the fight that Tom was hoping for wasn't good enough. Of course, he had to stir the pot more and start more drama. I mean, Christmas was only 2 days away and he, of course, couldn't let Tara have a holiday with her family in peace. This is just like his "if I want to see Tara, I had to come to their house" mandate. Why would I want to go anyplace where illegal drugs and alcohol are a way of life? Not to mention the bed bugs that they have that are so bad that they are in every room of the house and you can see them jumping around like fleas. I keep a CLEAN home. I am OCD about it. I can't sleep or rest at night unless things are done and I pick up again first thing in the morning. I bleach my kitchen counters not only after we use the kitchen but before - I want to make sure things are sanitary when I cook.   Hurricane is like me when it comes to that. LOL B and Allie... not so much. So... since Tom hadn't gotten the fight or confrontation he was hoping for - he had to blow the situation up worse. Of course. What else would a drama loving substance abuser do? I expected it. From 200 miles away ... I could have told anyone that he would not let it go and that he would do SOMETHING to make matters worse.

Of course I was right. I usually am. But this time, he went WAYYYYYY overboard. He burned bridges that I doubt can ever be rebuilt at this point. Of course, I would lay money that this was the desired effect. He wants to alienate Tara from everyone. It's MUCH easier to abuse and beat on someone when they are stuck with you without a single friend or family member to have their back. And yes, we do know for fact that Tom hits on her. He's on probation for that right now. However, while I did expect Tom to do something stupid - he's the king of stupid - even I didn't think he'd go THIS far.....

to be cont....

Pain

2014-12-17T19:29:00.000-06:00

    We're going back to the metroplex this weekend. It's my sister's birthday. I wasn't going to go. B is getting his best friend from the airport and my sissy really wanted to see me for her birthday so I was going to go with for her. Well, it's a few days before Christmas so B started talking about going to Tara's house. Hurricane and Ice Cube are both there. Now, it would be nice to see all the kids together... minus Little Man at least.

    I called the kids. I suggested getting together to deliver presents. I suggested someplace neutral so that it would be easier on everyone. Just like last time we went to town, I was told that it was come to their house or not see them at all. Basically, I can drive 200 miles and they won't drive 10. I voiced my opinion that it would be better on everyone if we could meet some place neutral. To Tara. Via a text. I voiced my concern that Hurricane isn't very nice to me. That I didn't want to go to her house and deal with Tom's mom being hateful or be verbally assaulted by her brother. So what does she do? Show the texts to her brother who blows my phone up telling me that I deserve the sarcastic, mean comments and that I can deliver their stuff and suck it up. That I'm a "bad mom" for not wanting to see them. The thing is - it was MY idea to get together with them. B wasn't even going to tell them that he was coming to town. Apparently, I'm wrong for wanting to meet in neutral territory. I figured that we're coming 200 miles and bringing their Christmas presents - having a nice visit and not one filled with people taking pot shots at each other would have been nice. They started trying to twist it into "I don't want to see 3 of my kids". Yes, I want to see them. But I want to do it some place where I feel safe. Not some place where I'm afraid of being verbally or physically assaulted. And then they missed the biggest part of this equation as they tried to place all blame on whether or not we come over to Tara's house on me....

I'm not driving 200 miles - B is. I'm riding. So, basically, I might still ride with. I've been doing the will I? Won't I? Since this whole trip idea came about. I want to see my kids. I want to see my sister. But I'm worried about the dogs. I'm worried about getting overly stressed. See, my blood pressure has been pretty bad lately. The Dr. has ordered me to avoid stress. My blood pressure has been doing some dangerous things when I stress out and the Dr has been a bit worried. I'm fine as long as my stress levels stay down. I'm on medication but ... I'm sure y'all will agree that this is NOT normal type stress and I really don't want a "visit" with them to send me to the hospital. I'm sure I will I'll end up going though. It's my sister's birthday and she is so excited about me coming in for her birthday. If B wants to go out and see his siblings, I will go with. Presents in tow. Should things get ugly - I have a friend that lives not 5 minutes from there and I will have her pick me up and go to her house till the kids are done visiting. Now, it would be nice if all my fears were unfounded and we could all sit down and hang out and have a good visit. That would be wonderful! I'd give almost anything to have all my kids together again. To just sit back and enjoy listening to them chat and hang out and relax while they did their sibling bonding thing. I just have no faith in them not being rude and hateful to me. Sad isn't it. It's almost enough to make me hate the holiday. Almost. But I'm seeing Elmer in a week and that helps to keep my spirits up. That and the fact that Allie and B are generally and usually very nice, kind and loving with me.

    Maybe a visit with these 4 will happen.   Maybe not. Guess I'll find out this weekend. If B decides to make the drive out to where they are. Only time will tell.... One thing you can bet on though... should B decide to not go to Tara's house on Sunday or should he end up having to work and we not get to town till it's too late to go out there ----

I will be the one blamed. You can bet the bank on that.

smiles are returning

2014-12-16T14:54:00.002-06:00

     Things are calmer here. We're still trying to un-bury from the financial mess that was created during the last few months. Higher utility bills, the ridiculous amount we spent on groceries, the missing stuff of Allie's that had to be replaced. And now a fridge that totally went on the blink and the compressor will no longer kick on. Welcome to the chaos and current stress that is our world.

    I am extraordinarily thankful that my kids are too old to believe in Santa Claus. We have presents for Elmer. The baby has his mama and granny that buy for him too as well as Ruth's boyfriends parents. He has his presents from us here as well as Santa presents. My mom is sending me some money to pick him up a few things from her. Vix and Cal buy for the monkey and as a surprise, my bio-mom is sending something for him this year. So the baby is covered and honestly - that's all that matters.

     We won't all be together this year anyhow. Ice Cube and Hurricane are staying at Tara's house with her and Tom as of last I heard. I am taking their stuff down to see them. Will I actually get to see them to give it to them? Probably not. Tom has a new rule that if I want to see them, I have to go to their house. However, they live with Tom's mom and her boyfriend as well as Tom's uncle. His dad was there too but he is apparently off visiting Tom's sister right now. I don't care for Tom's mom. She talks more trash and lives for drama. No time to deal with it. She has trash talked my family more times than I can count - she covers up for Tom when he breaks the law (guess that makes some sort of warped sense since Tom is her son) but Tara and Tom have enlightened me as to all the vile things she's said about my family and so I have no inclination to ever step foot in the same city she's in and refuse to go to the home she lives in. I don't care who they claim the home belongs to. It makes me uncomfortable and I don't choose to spend what little time I have back in the metroplex being uncomfortable.

    Here's the bad thing to admit. My children make me uncomfortable at this point. The 3 older ones. I can't believe a word one I hear from any of them lately. This one tries to lie for that one. That one deliberately lies on this one. You would think that they're 3, 6, and 9 and not 23, 26, and 29. I ask a question and I get evasion and 1/2 truths. They want to play games and hide things. All in all - it's juvenile behavior and I don't care to be a part of it. I'll be 50 in a few months. Yep.... 50. I'm too old to play elementary school games. I don't have to play games or pretend. I am who I am. If you don't like me - go away. It's really that easy. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids. I worry about them. I worry about what kind of destruction is going to come next or who is going to end up on the wrong side of the law. But loving them and worrying them and actually liking where they are and where they're going in life.... VERY different things. They obviously know that I wouldn't approve of what they're doing or they wouldn't feel the need to lie about it. Right? Any who, if that makes me a bad parent ... so be it. My kids think I'm a bad parent because I won't pay this or take care of that. The latest was : H needs right around $200 to pay probation (on probation for repeated offenses of driving with no license and no ins. Wrecking with no ins = no license). He's had over 2 years to complete his community service and pay off his fines. He had his probation extended for failure to complete this in the time given. Now... here we are less than a week before the final cut off date and ... H needs money. I'm sitting here using mini fridges to keep our stuff cold because we don't have money to buy a new fridge yet.

     I do not at all feel that I am responsible to pay for his probation fees. I told him repeatedly to not drive without insurance. I called the insurance company for him. I had it set up to where all he had to do was call with his debit card info. He lied and told me he had when he hadn't. He has had over 2 years to pay these fines and do his community service. Sooo, while he was blaming me for the predicament that he's put himself in, I asked him "how old are you?" . My point was - at 26, he's been making his own decisions for 8 years now. Refusing every step of the way to heed mom's advice and doing what he wanted. His response was "see how sh*tty of a mom you are - you don't know how old I am". Still no acknowledgement that he was in any way, shape, or form to blame for the situation that he's currently in. Now, IF I was in a place in my life where I could afford to toss good money after bad and money wasn't an issue in my day to day living - I would pay off his stuff just so I didn't ever have to be cussed, insulted and stressed out over it all ever again. That's not the financial situation that we are in around here though. Contrary to their delusions - I do not have a money tree growing in my backyard. Money is not in a never-ending supply around here. Calling B isn't going to help them out right now either. Mr Lead Foot got not 1 but TWO speeding tickets in a week. Lesson learned there. I haven't seen him speed since. He had to learn it the hard way but at least he was smart enough to figure it out. So his money is going to pay for his own mistakes. Wow - there's a good lesson for them! They could actually own up to their mistakes and take care of them for themselves like B has.

   Anyhow, Things are seriously calming down here at the house. Little Man is working hard and taking care of rebuilding to get back on his feet post Kim and his heavy duty party spree that he went on after they broke up. B and Allie are moving ahead with their future. We're getting ready for Elmer's Christmas visit. The fridge issue will hopefully be taken care of by the end of the month. We are slowing getting the household finances back on track. With any luck at all - it will be taken care of by the first of Feb and everything all good again. Yes, that's over a month away but like I told the kids - it took us over 2 months to fall in this hole, we're not going to dig out in a week. But we're climbing and that's all anyone can ask for. And on the plus side- I'm not as stressed. Alayna's mouth and attitude was almost impossible to take and I was under constant stress and in a bad mood constantly from it.

   Hope everyone is doing well and getting ready for the holidays. :) Keep smiling y'all!