Dantania

Dante Saves You: Giant Monster Edition

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 11:47:00 PST

Now its time for the big boys. Giant monsters. You’ve already learned how to beat or at least get away from aliens, dinosaurs, ninjas, vampires, and zombies. Now you have to figure out how to escape monsters that are huge or the size of a damned building.

I know that when you see some of these things you start praying or screaming. Well now its time to knuckle the fuck up and rush right into battle. Who do you expect to help you? The government? The army?! Ha! Some of these will explain why that’s the last thing you should do.

King Kong.

So some guys went to an island and found a giant monkey…gorilla…whatever! They went and found this massive beast and for some reason thought that it would be a good idea to bring it here. And by here I mean one of the most populated cities in the world, New York City. You tell your date that you’re going to have a great night watching a chained up giant chimp and they agree because fuck staying home again. Next thing you know…chaos!

"Let the rape party...begin!!!"

Solution.

"White giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl..."

Don’t be a cute White chick. Sorry. Them’s the rules. But let’s say that King Kong doesn’t see race or gender. He’s pissed that you kidnapped him, drugged him, brought him across the sea, and decided to make him a sideshow attraction. Hell, I think I just described the plot to Taken.

Liam's putting both of these in one hole.

The first thing you need to do is not head home into your skyscraper apartment. He likes to climb those and the next thing you know you lost your beautiful view of the city. Its been replaced by gigantic gorilla nuts.

New York...now with less balls!

So now that you’re in the streets try your best not to fall. People die from stampedes. We call them Black Fridays. Because we’re racist. If you manage to be confronted by Kong just be nice. He doesn’t really want to kill anyone. He just wants some piece and quiet. Imagine a hairy Hulk.

The Host.

Not many people know about this one and it sucks for them because I know exactly what to expect when I see something that looks like it fell out of the Devil’s asshole. This thing isn’t here to take anything over. Humanity created this by being careless and now Asians have to deal with it.

Shit.

Solution.

Ah, he don't look so fast.

Stay home. That’s all you have to do. Its going for people that try to fight it or happen to be hanging out and not paying attention to the fact that a giant salamander is running straight towards them full on Kermit Flailing! It doesn’t spit fire which helps but it moves like Spiderman which sucks if you haven’t been staying on top of your parkour skills.

"CandygRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM!!!"

Look at that fucking thing! Do you honesty think begging is going to stop it? Tears are like A1 Steak Sauce to this. The best you can hope for is that it knocks you down because then you just play dead. It only takes one person at a time so the chances of you living are increased.

Cloverfield Monster.

Oh, New York, New York. it’s a helluva town. Come for Astoria, leave because the motherfucking Cloverfield Monster is there! Apparently monsters really like to climb tall buildings which is fine where I am. I can easily avoid downtown Los Angeles. This thing is the size of a giant structure and poops baby versions that can bite you and make you explode.

Solution.

"How are you feeling RIGHT NOW?!"

Don’t hang out with an asshole that feels the need to film every goddamn aspect of your life! When I am trying to escape a creature that is wrecking shit for no reason other than it likes the sound of fear the last thing I need is it on tape. I'm not watching that later! So that’s step one. Ditch the dick.

Nom nom nom nom nom!

Next you have to stay at home. See how easy this is? Because if you’re at home you wont have to help out your other friend who is so into a chick he leads his friends to certain death for a chance to smell her panties. Which I get because panty sniffing is fun. But come on. Not for an L.A 5. 6 if you’re drunk.

Not the time to film sex.

Godzilla.

The king of monsters managed to be exactly where you are. Sucks to be you. Godzilla has fire/electric breath, can jump great distances, and has a scream that is shit inducing. And by the way, this isn’t the friendly dancing Godzilla from your childhood. This is hermaphroditic 1990’s Godzilla.

Yippee!!!

Solution.

"Peek-a-boo!!!"

Unless you can find those two cute Japanese chicks that can sing for help from Mothra the best thing you can do is hide in the sewers. He cant fit there. Or tell scientist to stop fucking around with radioactive shit that turns lizards into these things.

You can try shining lights in his eyes.

You cant ask the army to help because they will just shoot rockets at it and that will do nothing but make him charge up his spine and unleash Hell on Earth. And you don’t want that. It burns. Ferris Bueller and Leon The Professional are there along with the voice of Apu. They cant help. Just try to not be in New York.

Rosscast Episode 250: I Teach The Internets

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 21:26:00 PST

In this episode I break format and take it old school style and just rambling about things that are on my mind like the L.A Riots being almost 20 years ago, Black people hating bees, getting rid of porn, fighting wolves, saving yourself for a special someone, and a new blog started by me and Camille called rocketsandchicken.blogspot.com. Click here to download this episode and here for past Rosscasts.

Dante Saves You: Ninja Edition

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 13:13:00 PST

So now that you’ve learned to defeat or run away from dinosaurs, aliens, zombies, and vampires its time to take on something that has plagued humanity for years: ninjas. As much as I love ninjas I know that I will never be one so I have trained to not only spot one from a distance using my mutant ability of spotting shady people, but use natural hell damn instincts.

The problem with ninjas is they come in all different shapes, sizes, and races. That’s right, even White dudes are ninjas now. I guess Sho’Nuff could be a ninja. No. He was way too loud for that shit. You cant be the Shogun Of Harlem and be quiet. Here’s how you beat ninjas. You may thank me later.

So You’ve Met An American Ninja.

Ha! I know it sounds terrible but this dude is an American. And he isn’t even on his home turf. He’s in the Philippines and might be distracted by all them hot chicks. If he was gonna try and look scary he wouldn’t wear such a baggy ass outfit and at least tried to hide his gringo-ness. This one is not gonna be a challenge.

Solution.

Ninja fight and then take the kids to soccer practice.

This asshole wears mom jeans! And he is holding his sword in the “mine is bigger than yours” style. If you wear these pants and don’t have a vagina then I automatically imagine me whipping you. He doesn’t even have real ninjas to face. I mean check out these assholes.

Someone's got to be the asshole.

Yeah. These idiots cant even fight in formation. So all you have to do is get him pissed by calling him a fake ass ninja and then when he gets mad and rushes at you (which I assure you will happen) just kick him in the nuts and tea bag him. He will be shamed and kill himself.

So You’ve Met Surf Ninjas.

Training.

Really? You need help with this one? Yeah, one of them is the little kid from The Last Dragon but I’m still not nervous. They’re kids so you have that working for you. I’m pretty sure that they have curfews and rules which as an adult you don’t. You can stay out past 8pm and get drunk which will only fuel your ability to challenge kids to a fight. If MC Hammer with an eye patch can beat these kids…

2 Legit 2 Quit!

Solution.

Huh? They’re kids! Tell me you wouldn't want to judo chop this kid.Me and Kiyoshi have a fantasy about going into a school of these types and defeating every single one of them. I’ll be damned if I allow myself or my friends to lose to people he think screaming “Ki-yah!” is a fight move.

So You’ve Met Some Mortal Kombat Ninjas.

Okay, now its time for a challenge. You’re not fighting regular ass humans wearing dark colors. You are fighting a guy who is so bent on revenge that he gets a hall pass to leave Hell with a harpoon hand and a dude that can freeze shit with his hands. These two, Scorpion and Sub-Zero, hate each other but they are united in their decision to rip your throat out through your ass.

Solution.

You're his hooker now.

If you are fighting them one at a time you may have a chance to get to a hospital. If you are fighting Scorpion who is so badass he wears the brightest color on his outfit as if saying “I have no need to hide myself” then I would suggest doing shit you would never think to try. Throwing shit, windmills, or gymnastics.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

If you gotta fight Sub-Zero you could run around in circles while throwing rocks at him. It takes him a while to charge up to throw a ball of ice at you so that gives you plenty of time to scream for help or try to remind him that Scorpion killed his brother. Ninjas are all about revenge. Like, even more than me and I wake up thinking of things to revenge about.

He wakes up thinking about snowflakes.

So You’ve Met Some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Donatello: "I made poopies!"

As much as I love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if I saw one of these creepy beasts in real life I would shit butter. I grew up watching these guys go from hardcore angry mutants to friendly pizza loving creatures that were happy living in the stank ass sewers. Mind you, they are trained ninjas who hang with a enormous rat…who would also cause me to shit dairy products. So don’t take them lightly.

Sexual assault fixin' to happen!

Solution.

Kill it!!!

Take out Leonardo first and the rest will be easy. Raphael would be too busy crying over never making peace with his fallen friend, Michelangelo would be staring at the shiny coins that fell out your pockets, and Donatello would realize that he brought a broomstick to a goddamn ninja fight and start doing math out loud.

"Remember when we were cool?!"

You’d like to think that New York City would be safer because there were these four assholes saving people…except for the fact that they help no one but themselves and their stupid friend, April O’Neil. So go ahead and rob a bank to gain their attention then point and go “April tore her jumpsuit!” You are free to shoot them in the back.

So You’ve Met Snake Eyes.

Why cant we be friends?

Goddamn it. This guy cant be fucked with using normal Dantania techniques. Shouting, growling, pooping, and threatening sexual harassment wont work on Snake Eyes because he is trained to not give a fuck. He cant even be bothered to give half a fuck which is crazy because I give half fucks about things I really shouldn’t give two shits about.

Solution.

Unless you are friends with Storm Shadow, which I am (shout out to Andrew Kishino!), you should try your best to not fight him. But if you do…damn it. Okay. He has honor and shit. So what you do is lay down your weapons, which should be easy since you likely dropped them when you felt his sword pressed against your taint, and bow to him. And when he turns his back fling poop at him and run.

Ignore that last suggestion...

So You’ve Met A Nazi Ninja Zombie.

Racism: Its what's for dinner.

Now…you are fucked. Not only is this a Nazi. Not only is this a Ninja. It’s a fucking zombie!!! He doesn’t talk or smile or anything. He just walks into rooms knowing that he has the ability to kick the ass of anything breathing and even some things that aren’t. Oh, and did I mention he uses giant blades that he spins like propeller blades?

Its okay to cry. Crying gets the sad out.

Solution.

'Cause this is Thriller...!

Unless you feel like betraying all your morals and saluting him and you don’t roll with a half demon with a fist that is the key to unleashing Hell on Earth then I suggest you start throwing water on him and rusting him. Or tie up this human Swatch watch. I mean, the guy is made up of a bunch of clocks.

When you see him just immediately start swinging. Don’t give him time to start winding himself up and then he’ll be able to do nothing but freeze and stare as you give him a Roman Soldier (look it up) and post photos on your website. If you’re feeling saucy you could rip his mask off. Ninjas hate that shit. Its not like his face could be all that bad.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!

Dante Saves You: Vampire Edition

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 10:28:00 PST

I’ve helped you take out dinosaurs, aliens, and zombies. But for some reason you manage to find new ways to get into danger. So what is it this time? What? Oh. Shit. Okay. Vampires. Don’t worry, I’m a nerd and have spent countless hours planning ways to defeat this bastards. But you have to understand something first: vampires don’t play by the old rules anymore.

There are vampires that can walk in broad ass daylight now. That used to be the one tried and true way to beat these sumbitches and Hollywood has taken it away from us. But fear not, fellow Dantanian! I have contingency plans for any scenario you may encounter.

So You’ve Bumped Into Twilight Vampires.

Its easy to come across this group of vampires since they automatically have an advantage being super strong, fast, and can walk out in broad daylight. Their skin turns into diamonds but they avoid normal people seeing this by calling out sick to school and playing vampire baseball. I know a lot of you don’t believe me when I mention the diamond skin, but I assure you its something that takes place.

"Me and my friends are Jem girls!"

Solution.

Hurt their feelings. For real, these thing are so sensitive that if you made fun of their hair they would cry. The sunlight cant hurt these fools so your best bet is to starve them to death. They don’t eat humans so you have that working for you. Even the bad guys aren’t that tough.

Oh, no! A Blacker!

I don’t even know if a stake through their hearts would work. If you happen to find a heartbroken werewolf you can have him and his friends attack their family since they cant fight that well. Or use the skinny miserable bitch as bait. Seriously, these are probably the easiest vampires to beat.

So You’ve Bumped Into Blade.

"The IRS will never find me up here..."

Another example of a vampire that can walk around in the sun which is fucking unfair. And then there’s the whole shit ton of weapons he walks around with to kill vampires. He will fuck up humans if he has to as well. He keeps his vampire side in check by taking a serum created for him. Oh, and one of his biggest challenges is one of the worst actors in the world.

You've just been "Dorff'd!"

Solution.

Though he has all the vampires strengths and none of their weaknesses…that’s bullshit. He can go out during the day but taking his heart out, shooting him, or hiding his precious potion from him would work. Or you could totally avoid him by not being a vampire, hanging in vampire nightclubs, or laughing at his played out haircut.

Worst case scenario you find one of those evil vampires that have Predator mouths and tell him where Blade is. He walks around during the day and night fucking with folks so its not like it would be hard to figure out where he is hiding. His place has been compromised in each fucking film! If you are up to it you can start telling “Yo Mama” jokes and make him sad. He totally has mommy issues.

So You’ve Stumbled Into Dracula.

Not Johnny Depp.

How you end up here? Doesn’t matter. You’re now trapped in a castle with a nutjob with a hair style no one would ever wear in the history of existence. Mind you there are also hot vampire hookers so its not all bad. And pre-cray cray Winona Ryder. Hell this is starting to sound pretty good…except for the fact that his shadow wants to kill your shadow!

Solution.

This is fucking Dracula. He liked to mindfuck people back in the day and then murder death kill them. You couldn’t just lock him in his coffin because he could morph into creatures, turn to smoke, hypnotize you, or turn into Gary Oldman. That’s right, he can turn into a whole other person and go to plays and stalk people. Thankfully this is a true version of a vampire and things like sunlight and crosses still hurt him. Brush up on your Latin and prayers.

Lots of prayers.

So You’ve Let The Right One In.

Just a small town girl! Living in a lonely world!

So you’re walking around late at night and you hear a little girl crying. You find her and she is wearing pajamas in the snow and you feel bad for her so you decide to pick her up. Next thing you know your ass is a treat because her handler fails at everything he does. This evil little beast obeys all the vampire rules so at least you’ve got that. Oh, and a soft spot for losers.

Solution.

Don’t invite her inside. Yep. This girl can climb walls, is super strong, and incredibly fast. But if you don’t allow her in your place and she still comes in she starts bleeding all over the place. But lets say you are stupid enough to offer her some milk and cookies. Well you cant kick her in the crotch because she ain’t got one for very honked up reasons.

"Show me yours and I'll...nevermind."

Try to play to her nice side. Offer her a Rubix cube or pretend that you’re a chicken which should be easy what with all the poop in your pants now. She will straight up murder the bullies for you and be your new best friend!

So You’ve Met The Lost Boys.

All alone in a new place? It can be hard. Its even harder when the town is run by a group of assholes that happen to be vampires. Even if they weren’t bloodthirsty creatures of the night they’d still be dicks just based on how they dressed. There is a really hot chick with them but stay away from her. Kiefer Sutherland does not play well with others and you will end up at parties where guys like this are popular.

Women found this sexy in the 80's.

Solution.

One of these things is not like the other. Meaning alive.

Oh thank god! You have a lot of ways to deal with these jackasses. They can be hurt by holy water, crosses, sunlight, or three nerds. They also obey the rules in terms of allowing them inside your house or not. So make sure your mother isn’t a horny old cougar and brings any guy in the house she feels like.

Look at this cuddly sumbitch.

I know it looks fun being friends with these evil mofos but don’t be fooled. Do you wanna live in a place where there are like ten vampires? Hell no! Eventually you’re gonna want to be the leader of the gang or you’re gonna get sick of banging the vampire chick. Right?

Nope.

So You’ve Got 30 Days Of Night.

Think happy thoughts.

You are so fucked. Okay. Lets figure this one out. Small town. Check. Bad weather conditions. Check. Vampires that behave like land sharks. Check. We can survive this. I mean, once the sun comes up you can totally get away from these things. All’s you have to do is wait them out…for the next month.

Solution.

Have lots of expendable people around you. This is not one vampire. This is a pack. They are smart, evil, and will try to use sympathy against you by having someone scream for help. Fuck that. If you are hidden and they haven’t found you, just stay put. You could try to reason with them.

Reasoning Fail.

Yeah, how’d that go? Exactly. These assholes aren’t here to talk. They are here to eat people meat. Your best option is to set them on fire or…yeah. Lets stick with fire because even if you beat one of these there are dozens more waiting to make a Manwich out of you. Oh, and here’s the last guy that tried using a cross on them.

Sloppy Joe. Slo-Sloppy Joe.

So You’ve Hung Out Near Dark.

What do you get when you cross a crackhead, a hillbilly, and a vampire. Eaten. You see a hot chick and decide to get up in them draws only to find out that she is a vampire and her entire family is psychotic and have rape eyes. Unless they are bored and want a new toy for a while you’re pretty fucked. These things have been doing this for a while and go to bars and start shit for shiggles (that’s shit’s and giggles and a new word alert!).

Solution.

"I'm bored. Let's rape something then eat it."

Act as insane a they are. They die in sunlight but it takes so long they have time to jump into their Rapewagon or find shelter. If they are intent on killing you for the love of all that is holy please do not try to reason with them!

There was no reasoning with Bill Paxton in the 80's.

Good news is if you are bitten and hate the whole, you know, not being alive thing and you value baths far more than they do you can just find your father and get a blood transfusion thus curing yourself. You could become a vampire every other month if you felt like it! I’m not kidding. Thank you, Katherine Bigelow.

So You’ve Got An Interview With A Vampire.

So you look attractive, like to hang out at night, and have a death wish. Damn you, White guilt. You may end up the victim of a foppish vampire that wants something cute to look at for the next few centuries. This isn’t too bad because you can still get your sex on. That is if you want to be one of these fruit loops.

Solution.

"So I says to Mable I says..."

Be annoying. Their leader is a dick that likes to have a lot of attention so if you want you can just pretend to be sick of him. Ignore all his poetry. Yawn when he expounds on how amazing he is. Laugh when he gets tricked into drinking poisoned blood. That happens. He can be killed by fire or having his head removed. But not crosses. They giggle at those. If all else fails you’re a powerful half god. Its not like he’s gonna bring a annoying little girl into the group.

Shit.

Dante Saves You: Zombie Edition

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 12:39:00 PST

So far I have tried to teach you how to survive alien attacks and dinosaurs that want to use you for a chew toy. Now thanks to Njeeeri I’m gonna have to show your asses how to get away from zombies. Zombies are something humanity has feared ever since the first person died and their body twitched minutes later. That’s why “wakes” were created. To see if the corpse would. I hope you didn’t believe that.

But in case you did you are now one step closer to becoming a citizen of Dantania! Now, I have to explain that since there have been so many zombie updates I have to include fast moving zombies. I know, I know. It sucks that they can move quickly now but I didn’t create the rules. So now lets fuck some shit right the fuck up!

So You’ve Spotted a Horde Of Zombies.

Oh, you’re in it deep this time. There’s not a zombie coming towards you which is pretty damned easy to take out. I don’t know about the rest of you but 83% of my life has been spent in anticipation of some kind of undead attack.

Me getting it wrong years ago.

There’s no point in running. If one zombie saw you in all likelihood about three dozen more spotted your dumbass who just had to take a quick glance to figure out whether or not zombies were coming or if the world’s largest orgy that you weren’t invited to was happening right outside.

Solution.

Either way I'm DTF.

Since playing dead is out of the question and the idea of rubbing zombie gore all over yourself makes you cry the only solution is to face these undead sons of bitches head-on. I know that sounds scary but unless you want to die screaming knowing that you’re gonna be a greasy ass monster until someone does what you should have done to you I suggest you knuckle up.

So The Zombies Are Here.

Aw, shit. Zombies are here! Not only are they at the door but these jerks didn’t even bring a gift! I’m gonna assume that this isn’t a surprise. You saw them coming and even attracted them by wearing that shitty cologne your son bought you for Christmas. You’re not quite ready to sacrifice him so its time to act.

Solution.

Get to a car! I don’t drive but I bet you I’d become a fucking professional if I had to get away from zombies. Its not like you have to avoid hitting people. And even if you do its probably some panicky asshole that is running around screaming. In which case it’s a mercy killing.

Homeless zombies are by far the most aggressive zombies.

Or you could attempt to run, but like I said earlier, zombies are fast now. They don’t drag one foot behind them and moan with their arms in the air waiting to be chopped off. Now that you know escape is probably more trouble than what its worth its time to lose your mind for a minute.

So The Zombies Are Attacking.

"If I stay really still he won't notice me..."

Okay, the undead is in your house or surrounding you. There is no superhero there to save you. No deus ex machina situation where someone is going to swing in and whip ass for you. Its time to take matters into your own hands using all the knowledge from every violent film and video game you’ve ever played.

Solution.

Groovy.

Level up!!! What this means is now its time for you to forget that you once had manners. You find the nearest sharp object or blunt instrument and go bananas on these assholes. There is no time to use common sense at this point.

Common sense is for (insert derogatory name)!

Hopefully you have managed to find someone who doesn’t get squeamish at the sight of blood because there is going to be buckets of the shit. If it makes you feel better about yourself you can even sing “Holiday Road” while doing it. I don’t know why but it makes me feel better about cutting people in half.

"Holiday RoaoOOOOOooooOOOOD!"

So You’ve Decided To Keep Fucking.

"Damn, gurl. You lookin' fine..."

You selfish son of a bitch. Its pretty much the end of the world and all you can think about is where to park your penis. Now you have to deal with the consequences. First you had to protect this chick you just met because chicks look hot when they haven’t bathed in months and wear tears for makeup. Now you got a baby to think of. Smooth move, Ex Lax.

Solution.

If you cant kill the chick who is going to have your kid (pussy) then guess what? You now have to deal with a zombie baby! Zombie babies are the third worst form of baby. You kill that thing as soon as it shows it ashy eyes to the world. Otherwise…

"Happy birthday to yo--Aaaaahhh!!!"

So You’ve Decided To Hang With An Asshole.

"How do I get to Astoria?"

There’s one in every group. The guy who wants to eat all the rations. Want to be in control of all the weapons. Wants to use the plan that will get the most amount of people killed. If there are three people in a room one of them is an asshole. Its science (Science!!!). So what do you do with this guy?

Solution.

He’s bait. Plain and simple. You shove him outside, lock the door, and run in the other direction. Its not like you’re gonna feel bad. You just met the guy. And even if he was someone you knew you spent nights awake dreaming of the day you could sacrifice him for your own safety. Or maybe that’s just me.

So You’ve Decided To Show Mercy.

"Is there something on my face?"

You goofy bastard. This is a zombie war, not a happy…be kind…help people war. In every zombie situation someone is gonna get bitten and hide it. Its gonna either be mom, dad, or a kid. If you’re me, a youngish male Blacker, I know my days are numbered. As soon as I see “Directed By…” the countdown starts.

Not a zombie, just a Blacker.

Solution.

Bitch ain't even got Thin Mints!

No mercy!!! I don’t care how cute the kid is, how much you loved your friends and family, they are now zombies. You do whatever it takes to take ‘em out. If it makes you feel better you can tell yourself “They would have wanted me to do this…” which they totally wouldn’t. They are zombies. They just want human flesh which you happen to have a few pounds of.

"Come give Nana a kis-bluuuurrg!"

Dante Saves You: Dinosaur Edition

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 15:52:00 PST

So you’ve managed to encounter a real life dinosaur. One of two things had to have happened. 1. You went back in time to preserve humanity Terra Nova style and forgot that dinosaurs are as abundant as free love in prison. Or 2. A family member convinced you that going to Jurassic Park was a fantastic idea and that you should totally bring the kids along!

Its fine. We all make stupid mistakes. But I am here to save you from death at the hands of these terrifying beasts that you have managed to stumble upon. This isn’t like the aliens I taught you how to fight. These don’t talk and you cant reason with them. But you can use superior intellect to at least leave with 75% of your body intact.

So T-Rex Has Found You.

Okay, this is no time to say to your friends “Way to pick a vacation!” Sarcasm saves no one unless you’re Dr. House. T-Rex knows that you’re in the car and all you are now is a Pringle. He’s not gonna eat one of you and then stop. No one has ever taught you what to do if this hellspawn tried to get you. You’re going to have to use science, smart, or…

Solution.

Use a child as bait. I’m sorry. Them’s the rules. This kid has been nothing but trouble from the start. We say stay close, she runs off. We say don’t scream, she screams louder. So why not throw her at the damned thing and run like your life depended on it? Because it totally does right now!

Dinosaurs fucking hate fireworks!

Fine. I get it. You’ve been around this kid for a while. You’ve grown attached to it. Your next option as a guardian is to sacrifice yourself. Get in that things mouth and then shit like you’ve never shit before! I’m sure they hate the taste of poop. If you die you can spend the rest of eternity asking God “Why did you let us recreate these things...for four films?!"

So You’re Trapped Inside.

Scientific fact: Dinosaurs can't smell White people!

Uh-oh. Look whose trapped in a room full of Velociraptors. I don’t care how you ended up in here. Maybe you decided that things needed to be faxed like right now! Either way you’re in a room with creatures that science (Science!!!) have dubbed the best killers to have ever existed. These creatures are built to hurt.

Solution.

The face of fear.

Kermit Flail. Hey, we both know you cant outrun or outfight these things. The only thing you have is the element of surprise. If you jump in the air and start screaming and waving your arms in the air it may scare the shit out of these things. Or you can be a smartass and try to blend into their group.

Asshole.

So You’re Trapped Outside.

"Nothing can harm me when I have my man-purse!"

You fucking psychopath. Dinosaurs are to outside what Dante is to seeing red panties: Happy! So now that you are blocked on all sides by killing machines what do you do? You’ve already given your kid to a T-Rex. You’ve used all your energy flailing with the dinosaurs inside. So there’s only one option left now.

Solution.

Go fucking apeshit! I mean forget that there is a shred of humanity in you and just start clawing and biting at these damned things. Sure, not all of you is making it back but at least you’re alive. Grab it by its tiny arms and break them like twigs.

Or you can shoot it. I assume you brought a gun with you the moment someone said the words “Dinosaurs”, “You”, “Island”, and “Dangerous.” But whatever the hell you do please don’t drop your weapon in the jungle. Things can only get worse from there.

Way worse.

So You’re In The Middle Of A T-Rex and Demonsaurus Extreme.

I swear I don’t know why you decided to come to this place and do the opposite of everything you should. But now that you are in between two circles of Hell and for whatever reason you haven’t fainted its time to start planning.

Solution.

Blend in with the herd. I don’t care if its other unlucky ass people or smaller dinosaurs. Anything is better than waiting around for that thing to kill the T-Rex and then kill you by roaring. Because that’s what’s gonna happen. Its gonna roar and you’re gonna fucking explode to death.

Pictured: Not blending.

But lets say you don’t believe that. Fine. You next option is delusion. Delusion is one of the most powerful weapons we as humans have. Delusion has built religions, sailed us across seas, sent us into space, and made us believe that if we could we would totally slap goddamn lasers on goddamn dinosaurs and they would be fine with it.

Nerdgasm achieved. Continue to next level.

Or you could just sit and wait to die while thinking back to that time during the beginning of the trip where you saw those Brontosaurus’ and marveled at how peaceful they were and how nothing bad was going to happen on this vacation. See? Delusion rules. Oh, and by the way…

Demonsaurus won.

Dante Saves You: Alien Edition

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 12:07:00 PST

We always talk about the plans we have if some aliens attacked. And by “we” I mean me and my lunatic ass friends. Seriously. My friends are deliciously psychotic and I love them for it. The problem most people have is that they apply alien encounter rules across the board and that shit could end with you being a hood ornament. No, not hanging from a Christmas tree in the ghetto. I mean the aliens would be using you as a warning to others to not fuck with them!

To stop this unfortunate act from occurring I have come up with what you should do if you encounter creatures from outer space from different Hollywood films. I hope you read this and take notes. Or, like, bookmark the page so you don’t have to ask me to link you here when the aliens are using you like a Muppet.

District 9.

"You gon' eat yo cornbread...?"

How To Approach.

They call these creepy looking things Prawns as a derogatory name. They look like walking Hell and sound like someone belching while changing the channels on a television too fast. They seem rather peaceful which is cool since they are as tall as an NBA player. Oh, yeah. And they have an arsenal that can turn you into jelly that only they can use.

What To Do If Confronted.

Run! Unless you speak their click-click-dirk language its best to leave the area immediately. Their weapons are more powerful than anything a 5 year old can dream of. They have lasers, robot suits, and robot suits with lasers. If you happen to have a can of cat food handy throw it to them or some rubber which they also like. Or…get turned into one of them in which case you can now use their weapons.

Totally worth it.

Alien.

How To Approach.

Are you insane? Okay, fine. If you have never seen one of these things in action and think its some new creature from Australia (which is totally possible!) just slowly back out of the room while covering your mouth. Why? Because while you are looking at the beast a goddamn Facehugger will hug your face. Meaning fuck you in the mouth like a bad first date. Next thing you know…

Taco night was never the same again...

What To Do If Confronted.

Hopefully there’s a traumatized little White girl nearby that you can feed to these things. If not then you run like you have never run before. Try not to scream since that’s like foreplay for these things. Also try to avoid their acid spit. Oh, I didn’t mention that? Yeah. They spit acid. And climb on ceilings. And--you know what? Just pray.

Predator.

"White giiiiiil..."

How To Approach.

Covered in snow. Just coat yourself in cold stuff so this thing doesn’t know that your dumbass managed to end up in a situation where the Predator is. It doesn’t even have a name. That’s like a new race on Star Trek calling themselves The Analrapewhiledonkeypunchians. Though they are tall and dark, they are not Blackers.

Spacism still exists.

What To Do If Confronted.

You could try and fight it though I would suggest not doing that. They have lots of sharp weapons and collect body parts the way Billy Bob Thornton does sexually transmitted diseases. I would suggest curling up into a ball and pooping yourself and crying. They will hopefully see you as a punk ass bitch and leave you alone…after shaving your genitals with their teeth.

E.T.

How To Approach.

These are the lamest aliens on the list. If you see one in your closet all you have to do is punch it in its big ass eyes or kick it in its vulnerable neck. It likes Reese’s Pieces which sucks for them because I’m not sharing my candy! They look like a mutated nutsack or a shaved cat.

Or Whoopi Goldberg in The Color Purple.

What To Do If Confronted.

Like I said, these things suck at everything but screaming. Just stay away from its hot finger. Seriously. That’s what it has for a weapon. And its belly glows. Man, fuck this thing. Kill it and hang it on your porch as a warning to any invaders.

Independence Day.

How To Approach.

With a plane. They don’t really show themselves. They are rude assholes and just hover above the city while people gather to celebrate their arrival only to be met with a laser blast that can destroy entire buildings. Just head to a farm and laugh at the city slickers.

"I call dibs on Astoria!"

What To Do If Confronted.

If you happen to get one of them out of their ship then you can beat them with a single punch. That’s it. One punch and these little assholes are done! They are the size of toddlers. Have you ever fought a toddler? They go down easy!

"Goo goo...?

War Of The Worlds.

"This isn't where I parked my car..."

How To Approach.

Shit. Um…there are multiple forms of these things and none of them want to talk. They snatch you into a basket, suck you into their asshole, and turn you into fertilizer. These dicks paint your house with you! I don’t think you have to worry about approaching them. They approach you.

What To Do if Confronted.

Hang out with Tom Cruise. He knows how to run like a son of a bitch so if you can just keep pace with him you’ll be fine. And whatever you do don’t hang out with Tim Robbins. He has rape eyes and wants to battle aliens that can turn you to dust with laser cannons by using a shotgun. Or you could just sneeze on them.

"Got a cough drop?"

How To Approach.

Kindly. They can cure every disease known to man. Got the HIV? They can fix it. Legs don’t work? Boom. Walking. Thank you, Visitors. Most of them are really attractive and apparently have working genitals so you can bang them if you want! Guess the V stands for Vagina! You can have babies with them if that floats your boat.

He's got his father's...Jesus.

What To Do if Confronted.

Maybe its Maybeline.

If they are in full on lizard mode then you’re fucked and not in a good way. They are stronger, faster, and meaner than your ex on her two week period. What the fuck was with that anyway?! Anyhoot, since they have genitals kick them in the junk. Or poke them in the eye. Its like fighting a shark…on land. You know what? Just cry.

Signs.

"Got any Neosporin?"

How To Approach.

Probably the dumbest aliens on the list. If you see one don’t waste your time chasing it since they run as fast as Kenyans. Just wait until it walks into a closet and close the door. That’s it. Now you have your own pet alien!

What To Do If Confronted.

"Anyone feed the pet alien yet?"

Have a glass of water? Cool. Throw it at them. That’s all you have to do. You see a map of the Earth lately? Its covered in water! Realistically that pee running down your legs is water. Gues what? You now have Death Legs! Kick that sumbitch! These things are bad at killing. The only near death they caused was an asthma attack!

Dante vs. Nature 8

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:50:00 PST

The sea is no joke. As a child I wanted to be a marine biologist at one point because I was young and stupid and didn’t realize that the ocean was just a den of death and the creepiest things to ever exist. I think dinosaurs are terrifying but at least they are gone. That is until you dig into the ocean and spot something that looks like Satan’s chew toy.

Barreleye. “Barreleyes, also known as spook fish (a name also applied to several species of chimaera), are small deep-sea osmeriform fish comprising the family Opisthoproctidae. These fish are named for their barrel-shaped, tubular eyes which are generally directed upwards to detect the silhouettes of available prey; however, according to Robison and Reisenbichler these fish are capable of directing their eyes forward as well. The family name Opisthoproctidae is derived from the Greek words opisthe (‘behind‘) and proktos (‘anus‘).”

So here’s the creepy Assfish. Or spook fish if you want to be nicer about it. Fuck this thing. What kind of creature outside of a Zelda game exists that has a see through head? Its not even practical. But what it lacks in practicality it makes for in downright shit-your-pantness. Let this swim up to me all polite and I will scream so loud people on the surface will hear it. I don’t like this thing one damned bit. It looks like the ghost of fish sticks past.

Granrojo. “Tiburonia granrojo, is a jellyfish of the family Ulmaridae discovered in 2003. Its species name was originally to be called ‘Big Ugly‘, but an unknown party denied it and renamed it granrojo, meaning ‘big red’ in Spanish. It is one of the largest sea jellies and unusual in a number of ways. Tiburonia granrojo live at ocean depths of between 600 and 1500 meters and have been found across the Pacific Ocean in the Sea of Cortez, Monterey Bay, Hawaii and Japan.

F-f-f-f-f-fuck this! Why come you so big?! Why come you exist?! There is no reason that a creature this size should be around where we can spot it. Ever. If I saw this I would shit so fast it would tear my wetsuit. I wish they had stuck with its original name of Big Ugly because its very fitting. And why did it take us until 2003 to find out this was swimming around? You mean to tell me that we can see planets further than we’ll ever be able to travel but something to size of an elephant that is red eluded us for centuries?!

Mata Mata. “It was renamed 14 different times in 2 centuries, finally being renamed Chelus fimbriatus in 1934 by Robert Mertens and Muller. The mata mata is a large sedentary turtle that has a large triangular flattened head characterized with many tubercles and flaps of skin and a ‘horn’ on its long and tubular snout. There are three barbels on the chin and four additional filamentous barbels at the upper jaw, which is neither hooked nor notched. The mata mata's brown or black oblong carapace can measure up to 18 in at adult age. The full adult weight is 33 lbs.”

Have you ever heard of something being renamed fourteen goddamn times in 200 years? I have. It was called The Devil! This looks like something that should’ve disappeared and currently being used to fuel cars. Look at that thing! I bet it hisses! Actually, I don’t need to bet. That fucking thing hisses and probably laughs as it drags you into the mud to feed its equally evil babies.

Mural Remix Tour 2012

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 19:35:00 PST

The other day Cam invited me on a art tour. I had never been on a tour before where you, like, get on a bus and ride around and take pictures and “Ooh…” and “Ah…” at everything like a Smurf witnessing fireworks. It was hosted by UCLA and I am past glad that I went because I ended up enjoying myself a great deal.

The tour started off at The Fowler Museum where we checked out the Mapping Another L.A: The Chicano Art Movement and it was hosted by Pilar Tompkins Rivas. We saw a bunch of cool stuff there about the murals throughout Los Angeles and some videos. We had seen some the stuff from the artists from a previous exhibit at LACMA but more on that later. No picture taking in the museum so sorry, I have no photos.

We headed to LACMA to see the Mural Remix: Sandra de la Loza which was hosted by the artist herself. She talked to us about her brother who is also an artist, the restoration projects, and we checked out some of the stuff she’d done. There was a giant wall that played a film with artists painting themselves and with the use of a green screen having the art appear on their bodies.

After a lunch break at Calendar’s with Cam and her mom’s friend who was awesome, we all got back on the bus and headed to our next destination. So far we were on schedule and I was mesmerized by this one dude who walked around barefoot. It had rained and the ground was nasty but he didn’t care.

We arrived at Estrada Courts. It was crazy seeing these apartments with huge murals on the sides of them. I’m used to seeing big drawings on walls but never really looking at them as “Art.” I do now. Its weird because I kept seeing stuff on walls afterwards and seeing it differently.

We got to hear and talk to Isabel Rojas-Williams who is the executive director of Mural Conservancy of Los Angeles and artist Ernesto de la Loza. He’s the one who did the murals on these apartments and works to maintain them.

He talked about the different materials he has used and the amount of hard work and time it takes to make sure that these paintings are preserved for the next 100 years. Its sad when they show you pictures of murals that used to be there and the city has painted over them. Thankfully that has not happened here.

We drove a little bit more through the courts and saw some more murals that were painted around the place and its so cool to see this stuff in person. That’s one of the things every artist pointed out. How there’s a big difference between seeing them in books and seeing them in person.

Last was a mural tour with Willie Herron of Asco. They were a group of artists who did video, photography, drawing, painting, and murals throughout Los Angeles for decades. When we arrived he was actually working on a large mural at the top of a building.

The name of his new mural East of No-West looked cool and featured the different artist of the group. He wanted to have it where he lived and not just a painting in a museum which was nice. There was one mural in particular he talked about doing the night his brother was stabbed. He completed it in one night with the help of borrowed lights from neighbors.

We walked around the block where he showed us the murals on the fronts of stores and how he has fought to keep them there. It was cool to listen to someone who has put so much work into not just a way to get their art out there but to just make the community look better and tell a story.

Cam got to ask him how the group came up with the name Asco. To paraphrase, he said that for their first exhibit they planned to bring all of their worse art for the show. Their asco meaning disgust or garbage. Why no one else asked this question, including myself, is beyond me.

This was a very cool tour and I feel better for having seen it. Its part of the Pacific Standard Time art exhibits that have been going on around the city for a few months now. I have been to some (went to the one at the African American Museum a couple weeks ago). Check it out if you get the chance.

Shit White Dudes Say To Me

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 18:10:00 PST

I made a short video of things that White dudes have said to me. Enjoy.

Dante vs. Nature 7

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 15:04:00 PST

Death from above. That’s what I think of when I see birds flying around the sky, all cocky with their ability to…fly. They dip and dive and shit on us. They literally shit on us! So I compiled a list of the birds that we all look at and think are beautiful but are actually demonic beasts who ruin newly washed cars and clothes. These are just a sample of the many animals I don’t trust.

Ostrich. “Ostriches usually weigh from 140–290 lbs, with exceptional male ostriches weighing up to 346 lbs. The feathers of adult males are mostly black, with white primaries and a white tail. However, the tail of one subspecies is buff. Females and young males are greyish-brown and white. The head and neck of both male and female ostriches is nearly bare, with a thin layer of down.”

Have you ever seen one of these damned things run? They don’t trot after you like a pony or something. They full on gallop with the intention of wrecking your shit right up. They have feet perfectly made for kicking your nuts right off. Thank Cthulhu these things cant fly. Could you imagine the world with these gliding through the sky? I cant either. You know why? Because I like living in a world that doesn’t have these in the air.

Swan. “The swans are the largest members of the duck family Anatidae, and are among the largest flying birds. The largest species, including the mute swan, trumpeter swan, and whooper swan, can reach length of over 60 inches and weigh over 33 pounds. Their wingspans can be almost 10 ft. They also have a patch of unfeathered skin between the eyes and bill in adults.”

People think these are harmless, beautiful birds. They buy them for weddings and have the audacity to place their kids near them. If only they knew how deadly these are. Look at that wingspan. If one of these sons of bitches spread out over ten feet and started screeching at me I would pray that I had a sword. I wouldn’t try and punch it because they do some weird shit with their necks where they can dodge your blows. I really don’t need that kinda stress in my life.

Red Tail Hawk. “The Red-tailed Hawk is a bird of prey, one of three species colloquially known in the United States as the ‘chicken hawk’ though it rarely preys on standard sized chickens. There are fourteen recognized subspecies, which vary in appearance and range. It typically weighs from 1.5 to 3.5 pounds and measuring 18 to 26 inches in length, with a wingspan from 43 to 57 inches.”

Aw, look at this tiny little thing…as it swoops down and snatches your toddler! I grew up watching Looney Toons so I know how dangerous and persistent “chicken hawks” are. I love how they don’t prey on “standard sized chickens.” That means it goes for the big ones. I bet there are cases where these things have killed humans but their families are just too embarrassed to admit it. I wouldn’t be because I know that every bird is a fucking bad day from being a psychopath.

Rosscast Episode 249: All Culturefied

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 23:05:00 PST

In this episode I talk about Walgreen’s coming to West Hollywood, my trip to the museum, why I’m happy dinosaurs are extinct, Bitches Be Crazy involving sex and McNuggets, Dude What The Fuck? with guns hidden in asses, Bad Parent Of The Week starring biscuits and butcher knives, and Only In Florida where a woman really hates Judge Judy. Click here to download this and here for past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Dante Makes Alternative Fuels

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 12:22:00 PST

We’re running out of shit to use in terms of fuel. Well, that’s not really true. There’s fuel in places but its near beaches where people don’t want drilling or its in places that are far and thousands of soldiers have to be sacrificed to do it.

"I'll be damned if we're going back to $4.50 a gallon!"

I’ve decided that we need to do away with fossil fuel. And cars powered by electricity aren’t as popular as they should be because, well, they don’t go “Vroom!” Some of these may seem weird to you but not after I explain each one. Because then, my friends, you will understand why I am not employed by the government.

Children’s Tears. There is a lot of this shit just being wasted every day. Instead of letting these kids dry their eyes we need to be wringing their shirt sleeves out and pumping them into machines that can extract the fluid for fuel. Kids don’t remember half of the terrible shit that happens to them in those formative years because if they did nursing homes would quickly become punch camps. I hate to tell you this but your father has dropped you on your head more times than he can remember. You could even make a fun game out of it.

"Let's play Dreamkiller!"

Once you get past all the annoying noise that accompanies crying running vehicles on tears becomes a very logical step in fuel alternatives. “But I don’t have a kid for fuel” you say? Then borrow a neighbors! There are kids all over the place and they cry so easily nowadays. Just say that the internet is down for a week. You’ll have fuel for days!

Shit. Okay, I get it. You don’t want to deal with loud screaming kids. So what you now have to do is poop. That’s right. Just poop. You do it every day. Hopefully. If you’re not you should get to the doctor or you’re just full of shit. Get it?! Full of sh- -okay. But seriously, imagine if you could bag up your HuDoo (Human Dookie) and drop it, or pour it, into your car. You’d never have to worry about having enough gas to get somewhere. One small trip to McDonald’s would ensure a trip across the entire U.S.

The McRib is back!

The downside to this is the smell. There’s nothing me and my cabinet have come up with to help that. I’m not even sure where shit even goes after its flushed down the toilet. Orange County? Barstow? Either way as long as I don’t have to see it I don’t care. But why not slide a log into your gas tank?

Arguing. People do it all the damned time so why not bottle it up somehow and use it to make cars go? Have you ridden with someone who was stuck in traffic or just got cut off while driving? If you could take that and put it into a car you would immediately see the divorce rate drop because it would be cheaper to stay married and save gas money than to go to court and suffer through a messy divorce. Yeah, your kids would be upset but then you’d just use their tears for more fuel!

This kid's a goldmine!

Just think of the money and stuff you’ll save from your family getting into battles. I’d head over to my parents place and just sit there with a bucket collecting free fuel for friends. If I want more fuel than I can handle I’d just drive in circles through Korea Town listening to friends scream at everyone that lives there.

Bitch Slaps. This one is just fun for everyone. Could you imagine how fun it would be to slap people for fuel? Just walk up to someone and “Fwap!” Next thing you know gas for a week. This would get a lot of anger out of people as well, because we all have at least four people we can think of in seconds that we’d love to slap the shit out of. Hey, that means even more fuel! Face it, there's lots of people out there in the world that really don't get the bitch slaps that they rightly deserve. Look outside. I'll wait. Bet you saw a few people that could easily get you enough fuel to get home.

"As soon as you finish I'm heading to HR!"

I slapped my cousin when I was little and now all I can think of is that fact that I wasted perfectly good fuel. Slap a kid with bowel control issues during an argument and you, my friend, and you have just won the award by most environmental human ever.

Dinosaurs Terrify Dante

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 23:33:00 PST

The other day I went to the Natural History Museum with Cam. It was awesome since I hadn’t been there since I was a little kid. It seemed that back then I went to museums more often and by junior high I didn’t care because the classes only went to boring ass places. It turned out that museums were actually pretty damned cool and that it sucked just because I was surrounded by a bunch of idiots (classmates) and a guide (teacher) that didn’t know what they were talking about. Now when I go its with a friend that’s smarter than me and has, like, culture and shit.

When we were at the NHM, as the cool kids call it, we saw a bunch of dinosaur bones and yes I took these pictures. If I told you I saw dinosaurs and left it at that you’d call me a dirty liar. And you’d be right. Sorry to break it to you like this, but dinosaurs are extinct.

I bet if these things still existed PETA would be nowhere near them. You would see not one naked ass model trying to save these things lives. They are massive. If you have never seen one in person, and this is just their skeleton, the shit’s scary. The small ones are me-sized. Yes, I am a unit of measurement. One friend described something as being “Two Dante’s tall.” These damned things are like six me’s tall and are made of nothing but kill and hurt. If man and dinosaur existed at the same time we would’ve last a week.

As we walked around all I could think about was that I was surrounded by creatures that once walked this very planet. Yeah, it was millions of years ago but still, right there in a building, you can see their bones. I think another thing that makes me nervous about these things is that they have tiny brains.

When I see something big with a tiny brain all I think is “That stupid thing is gonna step on me and not even feel it because its brain is dedicating 70% of its energy towards looking for things to kill and the other 30 to shitting things out.” They say some dinosaurs ate only plants. Bullshit, I say. They eat anything smaller than themselves.

Jurassic Park is full of crap by the way. When you see those kids running away from these things or packs of dinosaurs rushing past them and they come out unscathed its preposterous. A pack of pigeons would hurt somehow let alone giant lizards with claws and teeth. Sorry. Birds. They now say birds are their closest relatives which I still don’t believe. I cant allow the idea of a T-Rex with the ability to fly to enter my thoughts. That is far too shit materializing to think about.

Dante Wants These Cars

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 18:19:00 PST

I don’t drive but my entire life I have been obsessed with cars. No, not regular ass cars that you see driving around all the time. I wanted stuff from movies and TV shows. This is a list of the cool ass cars that I’ve wanted my entire life but will likely never own. And for good reason because I would destroy this entire city within a matter hours.

K.I.T.T. “KITT’s main cybernetic processor was first installed in a mainframe computer used by the United States government in Washington D.C. However, Wilton saw better use for ‘him’ in the Foundation's crime-fighting crusade and eventually the system was installed in the vehicle. KITT was in fact the second vehicle built by Knight Industries with artificial intelligence.”

Why I Shouldn't Own It. This car was awesome as hell. I wanted this not only because it looks cool, but because it talked. And it would spend most of its time trying to talk me out of shooting rockets at cars that were in my way. Meaning they were on the same road as me. Or if I were feeling merciful I would use my booster to just jump over them and land on some poor bastard that was minding their business. The best thing about KITT was the cool light n the front. Not cool? Me trying to impersonate the sound of the car.

Batmobile. “The TV Batmobile was based on the Lincoln Futura Show Car, originally created by William M. Schmidt and his design team at the Lincoln Styling Department; its rakish lines are said to have been inspired by the mako shark and the manta ray. In 1954 the Futura prototype was built entirely by hand by the Ghia Body Works in Turin, Italy.”

Why I Shouldn’t Own It. This was my original obsession car. Not only was it Batman’s fucking car, but it had a rocket booster in the back! Can you imagine what I could do with this thing?! Me behind the wheel of this beast would be good for no one. No one. But me of course because I would run people right the fuck off the road singing the entire Batman theme song as I do. Whose gonna stop me? The po-po?! Ha!

The A Team Van. “The black and metallic grey GMC Vandura van used by the A-Team, with its characteristic red stripe, black and red turbine mag wheels, and rooftop spoiler, has become an enduring pop culture icon. One of the original six vans used for the show is displayed in the Cars of the Stars Motor Museum in Keswick, northern England.”

Why I Shouldn’t Own It. Besides the fact that I would shave my head into a Mohawk, I would be compelled to get together a group of fucked up Vietnam vets that believe that they were tried for crimes they did not commit. Well, if the crime is being badass then I must plead guilty! This is a simple black van with a red stripe on the side but for whatever reason it is one of the coolest vehicles ever,

Batmobile Tumbler. “The Batmobile depicted in the Christopher Nolan directed films Batman Begins and The Dark Knight owes more to the tank-like vehicle from Frank Miller's Batman: The Dark Knight Returns and has a much more 'workhorse' appearance than the sleek automobiles seen in previous incarnations. The vehicle does not have a front axle, a design that was influenced by the spinners featured in Ridley Scott's Blade Runner.”

Why I Shouldn’t Own It. This is by far the best car ever made. Did I say car? I meant fucking battle tank death bringer! When I first saw this thing I was like “This needs to be in my life!” This is one of the only vehicles that transforms into an even cooler vehicle. Car gets fucked up and he’s like “Fuggit. Motorcycle.” And then the original car blows up and he doesn’t care. You know why? Because he’s Batman!!! He can wreck half the city and rebuild it.

General Lee. “Bo and Luke Duke's 1969 Dodge Charger. It was orange with a Confederate battle flag painted on the roof, and the words ‘GENERAL LEE’ over each door and the number ‘01’ on each door. In the original five Georgia-filmed episodes, a Confederate flag along with a checkered racing flag in a criss-cross pattern could be seen behind the rear window.”

Why I Shouldn’t Own It. Because I’m Black! I’m kidding but not at the same time. I mean, the goddamn Confederate flag is on the side of it. But still, I want this. I will drive down Crenshaw Boulevard blasting Tim McGraw and wearing a cowboy hat. Yes, I would be shot at but I’d just get away by blasting my musical ass horn and then speed off laughing like a psychopath. Me and this car have so much history, you have no idea.

Drag-U-La. “It featured a 350HP 289CI Ford Mustang V-8 engine, with a four-speed stick shift. It had two four-barrel carburetors. They were mounted on a Mickey Thompson Ram-Thrust manifold. The two rear tires were 10.50 -inch Firestone racing slicks, mounted on custom 10-inch Rader aluminum & steel wheels. Each hubcap was decorated with a large silver spider.”

Why I Shouldn’t Own It. This car looks cool for far too many reasons. I wanted it mostly to scare people when riding down the street. Oh, and hopefully Get some of that sweet Lillian Munster ass. That’s right, I said it. I would get this cool ass car just to get with a witch. I’ve seen this car once in real life and I damn near sharted myself. It looks so groovy with the red and the coffins and all that.

Dante's Work History In Hollywood

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 21:33:00 PST

This morning was my last day as an assistant editor for reality TV. Talking trash about reality TV is like punching a three legged retarded puppy. Fun for a few minutes but it gets old fast. Before I ever got into any of these jobs I never knew they really existed. A friend asked if I was interested and I said yes since 2009 was the year I couldn’t find a job for shit. I first started in early 2010 on Hell’s Kitchen as a transcriber. What that means is that you listen to interviews from the contestants and write down everything that they say.

Some of you may be saying “That doesn’t sound hard at all.” To which I’d reply “Shut your hole, you pirate hooker!” Or I’d tell you to record one of your friends who is very hyper talking for ten minutes and then type everything they said. Its not a job for everyone and not that many people I know that do it are that good. It takes paying attention and having the ability to spell shit properly.

After working on Hell’s Kitchen I went to this show called WCG The Ultimate Gamer. The difference between transcribing adults and young adults is astounding. The speed levels and anger levels are nuts. I’m talking about adults with anger and young adults with speed.

After this I worked on Little People Big World for a little bit before going to Marcel’s Quantum Kitchen (some scenes I did appear on Youtube) and Face Off on SyFy. With these two shows I ended up transcribing, logging (writing what you saw on screen), some editing, some story work (me and a co-worker got to do an episode before having it taken away), and even art for the show. The art was fun but got nixed at the end for some generic ass stuff.

I ended up back at Hell’s Kitchen and it was cool because I got a chance to do the assistant editing stuff. Like when I first transcribed, I had serious doubts about how well I would do. My main goal was just to not suck too hard (that’s what she said!). Eventually I got the hang of it and was complimented on my work and my work ethic.

If I never get another job in television I’m glad I can say that I did it for a couple of years. I wish I could show some of the stuff I worked with equipment wise to myself a few years ago. I’d be shocked that I didn’t blow any of it up just with a stare. I also met some really cool people which always rules ass.

Yahoo! News Is Insane

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 11:37:00 PST

I usually skip right past the weird ass news stories they have on Yahoo! unless its about a wardrobe malfunction or something. I just don’t care about the strange shit that happens in the world unless its nearby. But there was one story that I saw and went “The fuck…?!” Here is one of those stories.

A man who put his fiancée in a cardboard computer box and tried to bury her alive because he was bored with her was sentenced today to 20 years in prison. Judge Peter Collier at Leeds Crown Court sentenced Marcin Kasprzak, 26, for the attempted murder of his former fiancée Michelina Lewandowska.

"It was your intention that she would not be found. It was your intention that she die there," Collier said during the sentencing. "The death you intended would have been long and slow. It is mind-numbingly awful to imagine the sort of death you intended her to die."

The case gained notoriety when Lewandowska clawed her way out of her intended grave, using the diamond on her engagement ring to dig her way out of the box. Kasprzak and his friend Patryk Borys attacked Lewandowska with a taser at the couple's home last May, then bound her and stuffed her into a cardboard computer box. They buried her under six inches of dirt and an 88-pound tree branch.

What the hell could this chick have possibly done to have dude try to bury her alive? Better yet, doing such a terrible job of it? And if you’re wondering why she is posed with that ring its because she used her engagement ring to cut the box they trapped her in. The next time you think of ironic this image should pop into your head.

And his friend that helped got only four years in prison. That doesn’t seem like much. He’s only 18. So he’ll spend some time behind bars, get his swole on, and still be young enough to seek revenge. How about just killing both dudes and being done with it?

If he really wanted her dead that badly, why not just break up? Seems reasonable to me. “Honey, I’m bored with our relationship. So instead of just telling you and going our separate ways, I’m gonna taser you with my pal and bury you alive in the backyard. Oh, and I’m gonna bury you six inches underground. With a tree smaller than most models.”

Halle Berry Needs To Stop It

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 12:06:00 PST

Everyone knows who Halle Berry is. She’s the hot ass Black chick who we all kinda forget has a poor White mother that gets no credit for birthing her. She is known as one of the best actresses in the world, which I think is very debatable. She’s okay. Not close to great. From Monster’s Ball I know that she can take a good dicking from the human STD Billy Bob Thornton. To this day I scream “Make me feel good!” whenever I can. Never during sex though. That’s where I weep knowing it wont happen again anytime soon.

Halle has been hot for years. But there have been stories. Lots of stories. Most of them have to do with her boobs or her brain, the fourth and fifth sexiest things on a girl. Her boobs because, seriously, they are fucking amazing boobs. And her brain because she has done some pretty strange shit. No, I’m not talking about starring in Catwoman or her terrible performance in X-Men. I mean like her hit and run accident back in the day. Twice. Then there’s the whole issue of the men she has dated. I’m mentioned this in my previous Halle Berry Theory but since then (three years ago) she has had a child with one guy and fought for child custody and is now engaged to be married to another.

I know a lot of people are asking themselves “Seriously, Dante. How do you have such beautiful eyelashes?” or “What the fuck business is it of yours who Halle Berry dates or marries?” To which I’ll respond “Luck” and “Its my business because fuck you.”

I find it funny that people get upset that I get upset about random shit like Halle’s life. Look, you can all get mad about the 1%, Occupy stuff that means nothing, or the environment that will survive long after humans have been wiped off the globe by Cthulhu riding a comet firing machineguns with laser sight. I’ll concern myself with a chick with great tits. And by the way, that last scenario is totally gonna happen one day.

"Happy New Year!!!"

All this is to say a few things. Halle has been through the ringer with her relationships. We don’t know what she is like behind closed doors (that are padded). But since she wont say I will continue to speculate which I’m fucking awesome at. She will stay with this new guy but not actually get married. Shortly after she will request that everyone respects her privacy during this difficult time. Maybe she will do a film or two no one sees or knows about (did you know she did two movies last year?). Then she will continue to date people in entertainment that will probably hurt her. Thus the circle of life is complete. Seriously. She named her kid after the female lion from The Lion King.

Kids These Days 2

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 16:36:00 PST

On my last list Kids These Days I got a lot of positive feedback from people. The reactions were a mixture of laughter and horror. We don’t really think about the old terms we say or the things we used to do no longer being a part of culture or modern life anymore. So here are a few more things that are slowly dying off that necessarily should not.

1. Old Grandparents. This one isn’t exactly something new but it is something that does not happen the way it used to. Now someone can be a grandparent before they’re 40 years old. When I was a kid grandparents were actually old. They were in their late 60’s and early 70’s. This is a family theme though because if a person is a grandparent at 40 that means they had a kid young and the circle is complete. When I was little my grandparents were old. They didn’t play catch with us and run around chasing us. Well, Grandpapa did because we fucked with him while he was sleeping all the time.

2. Value Of Money. When I was a kid you know what a lot of money was? A quarter. If I got a quarter I would lose my mind thinking of all the things I could do. I could go to Webb’s Liquor Store and play video games. I could get so much candy with a quarter. Or I could stick it in my Penny Loafers and look like I was a high roller. I knew something was wrong years ago when I saw one of my nephews get a Christmas card with $5 and he took the card and flipped it upside down trying to shake more money out of it. One of my aunts gave me $2 one year and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I went into full Bugs Bunny tweaking mode. And no I never had an allowance. I made money ironing my brothers work clothes.

3. Penmanship. People do not know how to write using their hands. Have you looked at people’s handwriting lately? Its like they are always writing while riding horseback. Pick up a pen and try writing the alphabet. How did that go? Okay. Now do it in cursive. That’s what I thought. How did your G, Q, and Z look? Like hell I bet. Once a month you should sit down with a kid and relearn this. Njeeeri suggested adding this one to the list. My handwriting looks plain and like a font to most people. Its because I enjoy writing. Someone has to do it when the dirt people finally take over.

4. Ass Whippings. Of course there are kids still getting their asses beat. That will never stop until kids evolve and have the ability to get big puffer fish style. But when I was little kids got epic ass whippings. Sometimes it was like watching the final rounds in Rocky. Usually a whipping was “That thing that you just did? Don’t do that anymore.” Now kids get time outs. They have to stand in a corner. When I was a kid time out was shouted when playing a game outside and if I was in a corner it was because I got trapped and couldn’t get away from whoever had the belt.

5. Playboy Magazines. Everyone had that dirty uncle that had a porn stash. When I first saw a nudie mag I was in shock. These were not classy magazines that had beautiful women in sexy poses. This was hardcore porn that looked like stuff you’d see in medical books. Now all kids have to do is live in a house with a computer. That’s it. And they don’t have to look at lame ass pictures like I did. They can watch videos of adults doing stuff that they didn’t even know existed. I’m happy I didn’t have access to porno tapes growing up. I’d be a fucking horrible human being right now. Well, horrible…er. I probably would have lost my virginity way later than I did if I spent my time spanking it. That's what my 30's are for.

6. Respect For Elders. Another one that is as old as time. But for some reason nowadays this has gotten way worse than it even needs to be. Yes, there are some old people that are jerks. But the reason they are is because even before they talk to a youth they know that the kid is an asshole that sees them as nothing but a reminder that if they are lucky they will live long enough to be their age. Kids dive on the bus before an old lady can even lift her leg to get on. They don’t give up seats for them. They don’t even say hello to them. People know how I feel about old folks but I am still polite to them. The future mother of my 400 babies came up with this one.

7. Shame Of Living At Home. Now I know that not everyone can have their own place. There have been times when I was this close to being homeless. But there are people that need to get the fuck out of their parents homes and for whatever reason. Laziness? Lack of motivation? Parents who don’t want privacy? I don’t know. Everyone has different conditions that they live under. I had to fucking escape my parents home. It had nothing to do with being kicked out (which an ex’s mom did do to me). Know what I did when I got booted? Got my own place the next day. Some people use school as an example like it’s a job. No. Its school. You can work and go to school. Many people have done it. Just don't brag to your friends who don't live at home about how much money you have saved.

8. Saturday Morning Cartoons. I have seen what passes for Saturday morning cartoons and its just the saddest damned thing. When I was a kid I knew that I had almost seven hours worth of cartoons in the morning and even more in the afternoon. I will not list the hundreds of hours of cartoons I would start watching at 5am. But looking at what the kids have today is pathetic. Kids having pets kill each other, little girls who dress like hookers with fairy wings, and badly computer generated sea creatures or vegetables. If that is what passes for entertainment nowadays I’m glad I’m not a kid. Watching cartoons not only gave kids a sense of humor, but taught me just who the fuck a lot of old actors were.

9. Games With Friends. No, I’m not talking about video games. I’m talking about games that required nothing but some friends and space to run around. Duck Duck Goose. Big Bad Wolf. Freeze Tag. Hop Scotch. Handball and Kickball. Walking around like weirdoes with soda cans on our feet. I have no idea why we played that game. But kids today talk to their friends online through video games. They will leave their friends in person to hang with them over the internet. Is it me or is that scary? I would play with friends at school, then after school on my Grandmama’s street, and then when I got home! I couldn’t get enough of it!

10. Antennae Reception. This was one given to me by The Munky. Just a few months ago I had to battle with a TV antennae that wouldn’t work. Kids no longer have to deal with this. I had to make radio antennas work. TV antennas that would work if you put a piece of foil on the top of it and aimed towards Saturn on a cloudy day. Now everything is done digitally or through magical cable lines. Which scares me. And what happened if the antennae didn’t work anymore? Better get that damn paperclip!

Charlene Yi Makes Me Happy

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 21:25:00 PST

I’m not even sure why. Charlene Yi for some reason floats my boat. Granted for a while now my boat has been all over the damned place. There are girls I would never have found attractive all of a sudden hot as hell. I’m the type of person that will like or date someone just because I can talk to them. That in turn will make them attractive to me. Don’t ask how it works. It just does. But this chick in particular, I just don’t get it. Its not that she isn’t cute. She is. Maybe because she is mixed with Filipino, Spanish, Korean, Mexican, Irish, German, French, and Native American ancestry. That’s a lot of stuff.

I first saw her in the movie Knocked Up. She has very small scenes but for some reason I laughed my ass off at the weird shit she said. Then…I forgot she existed. I know that sounds mean but she runs in different social circles than I do. Which means she leaves the house to, like, do stuff. The fact that all my hobbies require little to no movement (writing, reading, drawing, podcasting, ‘bating) will never help in this aspect of my love life. Or lack thereof. Enough about me.

She is now on House. I’ve watched about 10-15 episodes of this show now and I know that its best to watch the last fifteen minutes. He will find an answer to a disease that hasn’t been around since parrots were the size of people and he does something insane to cure it. But Yi is now on the show. The fact that it took this many years to get a Filipino on the show is ridiculous. I’ve worked in a hospital. There are shit tons of them that work there. Cool people with really hot chicks. Yi dated Michael Cera for a while. I didn’t know that until looking up stuff about her. I am the opposite of him. She deserves a medal. I don't think I could be around him for more than three minutes. I don't hate the guy or anything. I like his movies. I just think I'd talk to him, sigh, and then find something else to do.

Dante Doesn't Like Dolphins

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 20:34:00 PST

Dolphins are dicks. I’m sick of hearing science tell me how smart a creature that can lose its life over the things that hold soda cans together. And are these plastic things gathering in circles and attacking dolphins? I don’t know. What I do know is that dolphins aren’t these magical sea saviors people have painted them out to be. And how are they considered so damn cute when sharks look like just angry versions of them. Seriously, have you ever seen an angry dolphin? I have. They attack you with those damned pointy noses. And that sound they make hurts my ears.

Those holes on top of their heads are scary too. What kind of creature swims around with their nose on a part of their body they cant even touch? Stupid animals. Oh, wait. They are mammals. Isn’t that some honked up shit? I think its where they shoot blood from. Besides not liking these sea demons this blog was to point out how bad I am at drawing on computers. I used my touch pad but still. There’s no excuse for such terrible art. I’ll stick with pencils and paper. And did you know dolphins wrap their penises around folks legs and try to rape them? For real. Look it up.

Dante's Fish Died

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 13:23:00 PST

Billy Ocean Batman Maximus del Prime-O has passed away. I got the crazy little mofo back in mid-2010 from a pet shop that no longer exists. I was working on this show called WCG The Ultimate Gamer and while heading to Little Caesar’s I passed the place and decided that I needed fish in my life. Normally I mean this sexually but this time I mean a pet. When I saw him amongst the other fish he stood out because he was going nuts. The other fish were like “I don’t even care anymore…” But not him. I took him back to work and a few co-workers said “I’ve never seen you this happy.”

I’m sure some people are wondering why I would dedicate a blog to a fish. “Its just a fish…” you say. To understand how much this upsets me you have to know my story. And my story goes something like this.

In west Philadelphia born in raised on the playgrounds is how I spent much of my days. Chilling out. Maxing. Relaxing all cool. Shooting some B-ball outside of school. Sorry. Wrong story. When I was little I had pet fish. Multiple times. Its not that I couldn’t take care of them. They usually lived for a few years. But one day there was an incident. I came home one day and saw my fish, about ten of them, in the garden. No, not in the tank that was sitting in the garden. I mean they were poured out in the dirt.

Were they sick? No. Were they taking up space? No. My mother just felt like doing it. I know how that sounds. It sounds like I’m making it up or that she is some kinda super villain. Good. Because that’s how it needs to sound. I fucking loved those fish. Here is how the conversation went.

Me: “What happened to my fish?”

Her: (sits reading random magazine aimed towards Black women like Black Love, Black Confessions, or Black Passions)

Me: “What happened?!”

Her: “They didn’t serve a purpose.”

That’s it. And its not like she shouted it or anything. She just fucking had my father, her henchman, dump my tank full of beautiful and lively fish in the dirt. “They didn’t serve a purpose.” You tell me that isn’t some evil Cobra Commander shit right there! And the worst part is that she says she didn’t do any of this. She has no memory of any of this transpiring. I got fish afterwards but it was never the same until I got Maximus.

I loved that fish more than 99.9999% of humanity. You could wipe out an entire nation and I would say “Meh” and write a blog about some dude dumpster diving behind the gay bar. I noticed Maximus acting weird this past week. He wasn’t swimming to the top for food as fast as usual. He would just stay at the bottom of the tank unless I shook it. Then last night I noticed his skin was turning gray. Then this afternoon when I looked for him he was floating up top. I’m gonna miss that crazy son of a bitch.

R.I.P Billy Ocean Batman Maximus del Prime-O May 2010 - January 2012

What The Fuck Are Dirt People?!

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 00:20:00 PST

Rape. It's what's for dinner.

“What the fuck are dirt people?” I’ve been asked this question countless times which means that they have not taken over. Yet. This crazy bastard Lord Humungus was my first introduction to these mofos. He's a high level one though hence the muscles. When I was little I watched a lot of B Movies. In these movies it seemed cheap to make a film about the bleak future we have to look forward to. I always noticed a running theme in these (besides the lack of lotion). And that theme was fucking Dirt People! These things aren't a figment of my imagination like starting a family, having a full-time job, or one day getting abs. I am just letting you all know that if we aren't careful, we will suffer some dirty ass wrath.

Allow me to finally explain exactly what I mean when I say Dirt People or “DP” when your ass needs to get away from these people eating sons of bitches. Dirt People [durt pee-puhl] a collective of humans who have given up on not only humanity but also bathing; cannibalistic humans who crave rape, fuel, and human flesh; ashy people that shake from eating too much goddamn human flesh.

"You gon' eat yo cornbread...?"

They also carry hobo knives. One of the best examples of DP’s is in The Road. Have you ever seen this movie? Okay. Picture the worst day you’ve ever had in your life. Got it? Now imagine that someone is hitting you with the cutest kitten you’ve ever seen and telling 5 year old you that Santa isn’t real and that your grandmother hates your guts. That’s this movie. There are tons of DP’s in this movie. They eat people and rape anything that has a hole. They always travel in ashy packs and usually are the only ones to have a vehicle that still works.

Book Of Eli is another great example of dirt people. In it something happened to the sky and folks got killed. The main character played by Denzel Washington has to handle them in groups. The thing about these bastards is that they always attack at once. Another trait they share is one will have an eye missing, another will be fat as hell while the rest of the world starves, and there will be a chick that you know is fucking hot if you washed her off. But there’s not enough soap in the world to have me messing with future cooter!

"Remember: Rape then eat!"

Whenever someone plays the game of “If you were on an island and can only take three things with you…?” I always say The Stand by Stephen King, Chapstick, and lotion. I’m that serious about moisture, people. Because once you give up the opportunity to be soft and supple you are that much closer to being one of the dirt people. I think the only plus to fighting one of these jerks is that when you hit them dust flies off and it looks like an old kung fu film. Then their friend with the scar that starts on his cheek and ends at his soul sticks it in your mud hole...

Dante Wants To Do Dumb Things

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 18:14:00 PST

I’ve watched too many movies in my life. This has led me to thinking and wishing that I could do things that would get my head busted open…if I’m lucky. I’d likely just get wrecked and have to sit in a hospital peeing into a plastic container and whining. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to try everything on this list.

Jump from one high rooftop to another while being chased by cops. I didn't do anything wrong but they think I did and have orders to shoot to kill. As I get away they can't help but marvel at my athletic abilities. Let’s ignore the fact I cant jump high. That doesn’t matter because I have a good horizontal leap. And that’s all I need to make it across a rooftop. That and not to be wearing my damned dress shoes since those make dry, regular ass ground dangerous as Florida.

Defeat a large monster in battle armed only with a knife or sword. I prefer something with fur and lots of arms. No, not your mama. I don't want something slimy. I have no problem with slimy things (I worked in a porn shop for years!) but I just don't want any ooze getting on me. Either way a monster is gonna get fucked up because I’m gonna kill it, wear it, and eat it. Why would I eat it? Because I can. I assume that the other big creatures would make me their king after this.

Beat a room of men in a fight behind closed doors. What happened in there?! You don't know. Only I know the carnage that ensued. All you heard was screaming and then silence. Will Dante emerge victorious? Of course. Just a little blood on my cheek. Not my blood though. Not sure if I have a weapon or not. I just wanna go into a berserker rage on a room full of people. That was my for real's plan on my 21st birthday. Just walk into a bar and start some shit. Its never happened and never will. I am a very cheerful drunk.

Punch someone so hard they fly. I want to hit someone so damned hard that they fly back 8 feet. They are unconscious before they even hit the ground. The next thing they know they are lying in a hospital bed with their jaw wired shut and their feelings hurt. And poop in their pants. I’ve watched boxing since I was a toddler. Its totally possible. One thing I need is for someone to be recording this so I can post it online. I have been knocked out once and knocked silly plenty of times. But it has never been recorded and I need to have me making someone defy gravity available for replay. Look at the poor fucker in this picture. You know he thought he was gonna grab that trophy, run around the field, and then get chased by security and then arrested. Look at him being Falcon Punched by a guy that looks like he's old enough to be his father.

Fly through a large glass window. I don't know what I did. All I know is that the only way to get my crazy ass out of there was to throw me head over heels out the window. I get up, brush myself off, and give them the finger. Not the pinky. Not the thumb. Oh, not even my index finger. They get the ring finger. Because I’m number one. I have a feeling that if I tried to throw myself through a window that the results would be worse. Like I'd get stuck in the middle or something.

High-speed chase. Now, years ago I was the passenger in a chase involving my brother and some gang members. That was so fucking fun! This time I want it on TV with 12 cop cars chasing me. Will I get away? Of course I will. I have tacks, 2x4, and hand grenades. And I am not afraid to use them. What am I running for? Child support. Or a family gathering. Yeah, let's go with that.

Use a sleeper hold effectively. I want to slap that hold on someone until they pass out. When they are knocked out I kick them in the balls for no reason other than to laugh at how they feel when they wake up. "He put me in the sleeper, so why do my balls hurt?" Because I kicked them while you were knocked out. My brothers used to try and put me in this move but I would always worm my way out of it. This is a dangerous ass move in real life. And the fucked up thing is that you wake up like nothing happened. "When we gonna fight?!" Its already happened.

Fight myself Mortal Kombat style. How did this happen? How is it possible that I face myself? It doesn't matter. All I know is that as I walked down the alley a figure stood at the other end laughing. It sounds eerily familiar. It's me! I kick, he kicks. I punch, he punches. I have to pull new moves out the bag to defeat him. And I have to kill him when I am done. I know me and I know I would come back for revenge at a later date.

Be kidnapped in a limo for unknown reasons. Just walking down the street and a limo pulls up. Two goons emerge and throw me in the back seat where I sit across from a man drenched in shadow. Who is he? It doesn't matter. He thinks I fucked his wife and daughter and wants my balls for wind chimes. And if movies tell me anything its that the guy will just threaten me and then release me with a punch by one of his dudes. Then I find his wife and bang her again. Ah, the circle of life...

Dante vs. Nature 6

dantania.blogspot.com (Dante D. Ross) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:04:00 PST

I know people look at some animals and think of how large and majestic they are. I see giant versions of panicky dogs with horns. I know I usually have to imagine being in Africa or Japan to find fear. Sometimes the scariest things can be found right where you live. If you live in or near woods. Which I don’t and that allows me to sleep better without worrying about the cast from a Disney cartoon killing me.

Moose. “The moose (North America) or Eurasian elk (Europe) is the largest extant species in the deer family. Moose typically inhabit boreal and mixed deciduous forests of the Northern Hemisphere in temperate to subarctic climates. Their diet consists of both terrestrial and aquatic vegetation. The most common moose predators are wolves, bears, and humans. Unlike most other deer species, moose are solitary animals and do not form herds. Although generally slow-moving and sedentary, moose can become aggressive and move surprisingly fast if angered or startled.”

And what the mean by “startled” is you saying “Hey, look. There’s a moose.” These things never look nice. Even when they are just standing there looking at the sky I just imagine that they’re wondering what the fuck they would do if another moose wandered by. “I wish a muthafuckin’ moose would walk by here!” How the hell can I tell the difference between a moose and an elk? If it charges at me with an accent?! “I say, dear sir. I shall smite ye!” And look at them damn horns. Its like something out of H.P Lovecraft.

Deer. “Deer (singular and plural) are the ruminant mammals forming the family Cervidae. Species in the Cervidae family include white-tailed deer, elk, moose, red deer, reindeer (caribou), fallow deer, roe deer and chital. Male deer of all species (except the Chinese water deer) and female reindeer grow and shed new antlers each year. In this they differ from permanently horned animals such as antelope; these are in the same order as deer and may bear a superficial resemblance.”

They grow and shed antlers every year. You know why? Because they get too heavy from all the blood that accumulates over 365 days of chasing poor families that think it’s a good idea to go camping and hobos that believe it’s a good idea to sleep in the woods. Oh, those poor hobos. Look at that picture. That is a deer rushing towards a fucking police car where I think its safe to assume has armed cops around it. This beast is like “Unless that gun was created from the hands of Zeus you have moments to live!”

Horse. “The horse (Equus ferus caballus) is one of two extant subspecies of Equus ferus, or the wild horse. It is a single-hooved (ungulate) mammal belonging to the taxonomic family Equidae. The horse has evolved over the past 45 to 55 million years from a small multi-toed creature into the large, single-toed animal of today. Humans began to domesticate horses around 4000 BC, and their domestication is believed to have been widespread by 3000 BC. Horses in the subspecies caballus are domesticated, although some domesticated populations live in the wild as feral horses.”

A feral horse. That is probably one of the scariest sentences ever. For over 5,000 fucking years we have been trying to make these things behave. Yeah, you can get on its back, make it jump over a stupid hurdle, or teach it to prance like an ass. But then one day while riding it’ll go “What the fuck am I doing with my life?” and buck you right the fuck off. Oh, you still don’t think horses are dangerous? A horse crippled Superman!!! A man that could leap buildings in a single bound, stop bullets, and was faster than a locomotive was taken down by a creature that doesn't even have thumbs. Fuck this.

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