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Forests and Fawns

2020-03-16T01:24:00.000-05:00

I decided to take some time tonight to quiet myself and let my mind go where it wanted. Thankfully, it doesn't take me long to quiet my thoughts, so while laying in an epson salt bath, this is the vision I had.

I saw a stream flowing in a forest and I knew that the stream represented the fluidity of time. The forest and trees were surrounding this stream on each side, however, in front of me was a young Fawn. I felt inclined to follow the Fawn and it led me past a few trees to a door. Doors aren't a new concept for me, and I knew instinctively this door HAD to be opened. Slowly, I took the key (which of course was now in my hand) and unlocked the door and opened it. As soon as I stepped through the door I was transported to a clearing. I knew I was still in a forest, but in front of me was lush grass and a feeling of abundance. I just knew this was a place without lack and where all needs were met. In the grass was a Doe pregnant with another Fawn. I knew the Doe was the same Fawn that had led me through the door - just grown up. There was just such a peace about me throughout the entire experience.

We live in some turbulent times, but I knew this vision was a reminder for me of the peace I have even in the midst of the storms. God has never forsaken me, and He's not about to start now. I also know that even though sometimes we feel like we are surrounded by things (symbolized by the trees), there's always a door leading to better times and greater things.

Because I am me, I went to google and did a search on what a Fawn symbolized because I knew there was a reason it was a Fawn. Fawns are gentle creatures and they remind us to have grace even in the toughest of circumstances. They also remind us trust and follow our intuition. For me, this just reminded me further to trust in what I know, follow where God leads me, and even in the midst of adversity, things are going to be alright. On the other side of the door is a land flowing with milk and honey - all the things I need in order to survive and thrive. All I have to do is trust the One who holds me in the palm of His hand.

I am reminded I may not know the future, but I know the One who does, and it's all going to be ok.

Cardinals & Monarch Butterflies

2019-07-22T02:28:00.000-05:00

Today I spent some time outdoors with my niece and my sister, and one of the first things my niece asked me was whether monarchs are to butterflies as cardinals are to birds. I thought for a second and was like yes, they both can be messengers why? She said she kept seeing a monarch butterfly in the backyard and she thought they represented people who have died. I told her the biggest thing is what she felt when she saw it. As we were sitting talk about it, we noticed a cardinal sitting in the tree and then 2 monarch butterflies flying together near the same area. I laughed hard.

You see, my aunt passed quickly a couple years ago from brain cancer. She was my mom's sister and they were close, so it was very hard on my mom. My mom has been seeing the same cardinal for the past month and it reminds her fondly of my aunt - her sister. I knew instantly the 2 monarch butterflies represented my maternal grandparents. I told my sister and niece my thoughts and how sometimes we need to be reminded we have loved ones who may be gone but are not forgotten. We see symbols of them and can be comforted to know they are still looking out for us and cheering us on.

It's good to pay attention to the unexpected signs we get as we go about our day. Sometimes those signs come in forms of birds or butterflies; sometimes we get a call from a friend out of the blue who gives us some advice we desperately needed to hear or just reminds us someone cares; sometimes it's a bumper sticker on the car in front of us, a song on the radio which sparks some past memory or millions of other little things which can happen in a day.

They are precious reminders someone is looking out for us. They are meant to guide us or comfort us. My advice for today - pay attention and look for the signs showing up in your life. Take time to reflect on them and what they mean to you. Have you been seeking direction? Which way are the signs pointing you? Are they offering you some advice? These are all good things to ponder. We hear the expression all the time to take time to "stop and smell the roses". I'd change that to take time to "stop and acknowledge the signs". They are everywhere and can be a great tool for guiding you on your path - your own unique journey.

The Day I Let Go of My Anger

2019-07-20T01:09:00.000-05:00

My dad was never physical abusive with us, but he was emotional abusive growing up. I remember him telling me I was a failure and would never amount to anything when I was a teenager. Needless to say, we fought a lot back then, and I had some severe anger issues.

Thankfully, our story didn't end there. As stated in a previous post, I ended up back in church at the age of 21. I turned 21 in November, and the following Father's Day (ironically enough) is when I had an experience which set me free. Months before I actually got freedom, my dad had come to me to ask for forgiveness. Of course, I was stubborn and told him no. So, fast forward a few months and it's Father's Day. I went to church that morning and then went to spend some time with my family before going to spend time with the best friend. As per our usual, my dad and I got into a fight, and when I got back to church that night for Sunday night service, I was upset. Worship service started and I remember thinking I was tired of fighting and so tired of being angry. Before I knew it, Pastor had called everyone into the middle of the church and I was one of the farthest from the altar. I'm quite sure I had help making it there, but it wasn't long before I found myself sobbing on my knees at the front of the church. I couldn't tell you what was going on around me. I just knew I had enough and I wanted change more than I had ever wanted it in my life. I'm not sure how long I cried, but I had a lot to get out, so I knew it lasted for a while. However, somewhere in the middle of things, something changed. I remember an overwhelming peace come over me and I knew without a doubt that my mom, my dad and my best friend would be ok. My emotions also changed from tears of anguish to laughter. When I left the church that night, I went home and even now I can't tell you how things went at the house when I got there. But, I know I told my dad that I forgave him, and our relationship was forever altered. It wasn't long after that my mom and dad both ended up at the church and are still there to this day.

What I didn't realize at the time was I healed from my anger that day. A few days after, I realized the things which normally would set me off weren't affecting me. Nothing was causing me to get mad. I had relinquished my pain on Father's Day and literally left it at the altar. Because of that, healing had occurred and the anger accompanying it was no longer found in me. My sister can attest to the fact I could be quite rageful as a teenager. The rage was gone and it's never come back. I can look back and I know my father and I had issues as a kid, but there's no pain there any longer. They are just memories without emotions attached. My dad is an amazing man and to see the growth in his life over the years has been incredible. God had been working on my dad at the same time He was working on teaching me to forgive and let go. Both things together changed everything for us, and I couldn't imagine my life without the support of both my parents.

It was literally the first time my heart was healed. God's restored it a few times since then, but this was my day of freedom. That Father's Day was the day I took myself back and wasn't a product of my emotional abuse any longer. I was still naive and have/had some things to work through (a never-ending battle), but a day of freedom nonetheless for which I will always be grateful.

Shielding Yourself from Negativity

2019-07-18T21:24:00.001-05:00

My sister and nieces were over yesterday, and at one point in the conversation, my oldest niece commented about how she doesn't stick around places where there is negative energy. I couldn't tell you what we were talking about. All I could think about in that moment was how proud of her I was. At 19 years old, she knew the difference between a positive and negative environment.

It's not just negative environments to be watchful for, but people as well. I can't tell you how many times I've told someone to trust their instincts. If a place doesn't feel safe, it probably isn't. If things feel off, they probably are. There's a difference between reacting in fear and listening to your inner voice. However, if something "makes your skin crawl", there's probably a reason for it. Some of us are just naturally sensitive to the energy of a room or a person.

When I was a youth pastor, I would tell the teens and young adults all the time to be mindful of who they let put their hands on them in prayer. Energy is transferable - it's tangible - meaning you can feel it, you can touch it and you can pick it up or pass it on to someone else. Therefore, it's good to be mindful of your surroundings and the people you allow close to you.

Think about this way. If you put your hand out in front of you palm facing up and starting talking negatively to your hand, your hand will get heavy. Alternatively, if you speak positively to it, your hand will lighten. It's why we feel "heavy" on bad days because we are being weighed down by the negative energy we've allowed into our lives - into our energy field. Now, imagine someone with a lot of emotional baggage literally taking that baggage and putting it on our shoulders. When we allow someone to negatively influence us, we are doing just that. The last thing you want to do is pick up other people's garbage because once it's picked up, it can start to affect you as well and once you absorb it and let it become your own, it can be harder to get rid of.

So, how do we protect ourselves from just sucking up any old energy that comes our way? We shield ourselves. We purposefully do not allow other people's thoughts, feeling or actions to affect our own. We don't allow the energy of a place to determine how we are going to feel. I've learned I naturally do this. When someone feels off to me, I instantly put up a force field around myself in the spirit. I do it without thinking. I literally do not allow their energy to co-mingle with mine in any way, shape or form. It's deliberate.

It's really as simple as making up your mind to not allow someone or something to affect you. If you have a hard time doing that, and you can leave the situation, by all means, do so. Let's be honest, sometimes we have to deal with a person or a situation. This is when you need to be able to shield yourself. The biggest thing is understanding it's not your energy you are feeling. Once you realize it's not your own, distancing yourself from it becomes easier. Your mind automatically starts to process it differently once you realize it's not yours. It stops it from becoming personal. Shielding yourself will take practice, but the more you pay attention to where the feelings are coming from, the easier it gets. Our minds are a powerful force and you do have the ability to protect yourself.

Sometimes You Have to Take a Leap of Faith

2019-07-18T02:24:00.001-05:00

I'm on day 2 of a migraine, and what amazes me is that as I laid in bed yesterday with my eyes closed, all I could think about was all the things I needed to get out into the world. I'm seriously not really a writer...I'm a math girl, but sometimes, we just have to just jump out of our comfort zone and do what we think is right.

I've been pursuing my relationship with God for over 20 years now, and during that time, I've come to learn to rely on the "just jump"' feeling. The feeling which says, sure you don't know what you are doing, but you feel like you need to do it, so go for it! I liken it to Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Holy Grail. During one of the trials, Indiana is standing at the edge of the cliff and he has to walk out into nothing as a test of his faith. Of course, once he takes a step, he realizes there's actually a bridge, and he's able to get across. However, that first step is something that sticks in my mind.

In my own life, I've been at the edge of that cliff several times. I felt like God was asking me to quit my job once and go into ministry full time. I had lots of bills to pay and was making decent money as an Officer Manager at a law firm. My youth pastor position barely paid my car payment. Mind you, this wasn't the first time I had felt God ask me to jump, and even though I had learned by this point I could trust Him, this was a huge leap of faith compared to all the smaller jumps I had done previously. After some questions about timing, I finally came to a place one Sunday morning when I felt God again prod me into quitting my job. This time it was more like a stern (yet loving) father pushing me to jump. I remember getting up off the altar and walking over to my mom. I told her I had to quit my job tomorrow. She just looked at me calmly and said, "I know." The next morning, I walked into the law firm and sat down and talked to my bosses and literally told them God told me it was time to go. I did end up giving them a month's notice, so they could find someone, and I could teach them how to do my job. The day after my last day, I ended up back enrolled in college to finish my bachelor's in math degree. I didn't see that coming!

The amazing part of the story is that financially I was taken care of and things worked themselves out. I did have to learn how to function with less money, but I've learned those leaps of faith always end up being more rewarding than anything I was asked to sacrifice.

It can be a scary place standing at the edge of a cliff or a chasm and not knowing how our leap of faith is going to turn out. I'm a firm believer though in following my gut instincts (the inner voice that pushes me to do better and be more). So, when the time comes and I am staring out into the empty spaces and I can't see the bottom, I just take a deep breath...and JUMP!

How My Abusive Friendship Began

2019-07-17T02:01:00.000-05:00

On my 21st birthday, I met my best friend. At first, everything was amazing. It wasn't long before I completely let him in and he became like a brother to me. He was family. I was pretty sheltered and naïve, and quite loving, so when things took I turn, I completely missed it. He brought me to church and we could talk for hours about anything and everything. I remember walking into church the first time, and feeling like I had arrived home. I knew it was where I belonged. It wasn't long before I rededicated my life to Christ and was all in. (I had grown up in church, but walked away around the time I was 18 because honestly I thought Christians were hypocrites and even though I never stopped believing in Christ, I didn't really get the point of church.)

My best friend and I did everything together. I spent hours with him daily and I trusted him completely. Little by little things began to change, and honestly, at the time, I didn't quite see the change clearly. I was working full time, so I paid every time we went out. Not a big deal to me, since I had the money, and I tend to be generous.

About 6 months into our friendship, things turned and he became physical. I remember the first time it happened, and I left. I wasn't the type of person to put up with that. No one laid a hand on me and no one laid a hand on my friends either. I hadn't been on the road home not even 5 minutes, when I knew I had to go back. He was suicidal. Looking back now, I realize that God sent me back there to keep him from doing something awful, but I chose to stay in that friendship longer than I was asked. After all, he was family in my mind.

Things didn't stay physical though, the second time it happened, we were in the car on the way to work. He was driving my car (because he had to be in control), and he needed a job, so I had gotten him one at the store I managed at the mall. I don't remember why, but something I said angered him that morning and he pushed me hitting my head on the car window. I freaked out. All I could think about was the fact I had nowhere to go. We were on the interstate going probably over 70 mphs and I was stuck. I arrived to work visibly shaken and tried to play it off to one of the sales girls that worked with me. Thankfully, it was the last time he was ever physical because I think at he realized that was a boundary he couldn't cross with me and keep me as a friend.

The friendship lasted 8 years and even though the physical abuse didn't continue, the emotional abuse he put me through was excruciating. I don't always remember a lot of the specifics because after the friendship was over, I got healing. I had a few spiritual experiences which allowed me to let go, and for me letting go means actually releasing, so I can talk about the things I do remember now, but there's no emotional garbage attached.

Part of the reason I started this blog was because I felt like it was time to tell the story of what I went through with this friend because I believe my story can help others. It's not about shaming the person, which is why I won't ever use his real name, but it's about helping someone else move on and heal. Sometimes, in the midst of abuse it's hard to see we are being abused, but we know something isn't right. It's when we distance ourselves from it or have the chance to be delivered from it, we gain a better perspective and can see more clearly. Things in this life may be rough, but there is always hope and change can happen if we let it. I am living proof of that.

Deceased Loved Ones

2019-07-16T15:50:00.000-05:00

I remember clearly the night my grandfather passed away. It was night time, and I felt something in my room. I didn't understand a whole lot in the Spirit Realm at this point in my life, but I knew something was there. I remember trying to hide myself by covering my face with my blanket (yes, I was in my 20s lol)...as if that was going to protect me. After a while, the feeling went away and I was able to emerge from the blanket. A few minutes later, the funeral home called looking for my mom, and I learned my grandfather had passed. I knew at that moment, he had come to say goodbye.

This wasn't the last time I had visitation from loved ones no longer with us. Every once in a while I will feel my grandmother's presence (my mom's mom). She was always my encourager, and when I need her, I can sense that she is there. Sometimes, I feel my grandfather (my mom's dad) when my mom is going through things, and I know his spirit is there to give her comfort. I've even seen/heard my sister's miscarried children. I remember distinctly hearing a child call my name one day when I was home by myself. I thought it was my youngest niece, except it was a young boy's voice, and after making sure my niece wasn't really around, I realized it was one of my sister's children she just hasn't had a chance to meet yet. I'd like to think it was a comfort to her to know someday she'll be reunited with them.

I had it drilled into me by religion that those visitations are negative and evil and should not be entertained. I choose to look at them as gifts sent by God to aid us in times of need and when we need comfort from those which hold a deep meaning for us. My favorite scripture for a long time has been Hebrews 12:1, which says, "Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off the sin that so easily besets us and run with perseverance the race which is set before us." Those "great cloud of witnesses" are the people that have gone before us and are now cheering us on in the Spirit Realm. To me, God is so gracious, He allows us to still connect with our loved ones knowing we need their encouragement, support and love from time to time.

I will add, I do believe there's a difference between seeking out our loved ones and acknowledging when they visit us on assignment. Sometimes, we can get so caught up in wanting our loved ones back with us, we cross into what I consider a danger zone for us. My loved ones aren't the ones to seek when I want answers to my problems. I have God for that, and since I consider Him to be the one sending them, why go to the messengers instead of the one who sends the message? I do, however, appreciate when He sends them to remind me of not only His love for me, but theirs as well.

Spirit Realm Thoughts

2019-07-16T02:02:00.000-05:00

As the full moon approaches, I can't help but sit here and think about the Spirit Realm. For me, the Spirit Realm is a fascinating place. It's a place filled with symbolism, and yet sometimes literal observations. Personally, I tend to be either clairvoyant or clairsentient. Meaning, I can sometimes see things as clearly as I see my hand in front of my face. Other times though, it's more a feeling or a knowing than actual "sight". Whether visitations or symbolic representations, visions into the Spirit Realm can be wonderful ways for gaining deeper understanding. Those understandings gain me wisdom or help me to deal with something important in my life.

I tend to deal a lot with the angelic; however, not all visitations I've dealt with in my life have been angels. I've seen some not great things as well as many things I would have said don't exist. The first time I saw fae, I had to have a big sit down conversation with God because it didn't compute with my view of how He created things. I've come to learn that just because I didn't believe in something or understand it, doesn't mean it didn't exist. Also, just because I've been taught something is evil doesn't mean it really is. We can have a very narrow view of the world and the universe God created, and He wants us to really take some time and gain a different perspective. I've come to view the fae as God's earth workers created for a purpose...His gardeners in a way. You don't have to agree with me and that's just fine. It's my understanding. Doesn't have to be yours.

I'm not going to get into my view of angels here because they deserve their own blog topic. Also, I could get into passed on loved ones, but I feel like that's probably a topic of it's own some day as well. Of course, not everything in the Spirit Realm is so literal as angels, demons, etc.

I'd say most times I see things, they are actually symbolic. Therefore, I think it's important to not take everything at face value. I've learned to think about what I saw - how it made me feel, what it meant to me, whether it was truly positive or negative. I trust my gut instincts, but have also learned if something startles or frightens me, it doesn't necessarily mean evil. Ever wonder why the angels had to keep telling people to not be afraid in the Bible? Fear is a natural response to the unexpected. But, fear can lead to wrong conclusions. Taking a breath and listening to what my inner voice (the Holy Spirit) is really trying to tell me is the best start to understanding any vision. Even if something is negative or evil, it doesn't mean I should automatically respond. The best thing to do is quiet myself and listen and piece together how I feel with what I saw and what needs to be done about it.

For example, I recently saw a man in a lobster suit, except he wasn't red. He was a bright green color. Obviously, what I saw was symbolic. There wasn't really a man in a lobster suit in my room. It did make me do some research into lobsters though and the color green. Lobsters have hard shells, but they are soft inside. The color green can be about rebirth. So, in my mind it was time to come out of my shell because God wanted to birth something new in me. I need to show my vulnerability...my softer side. Colors, animals and symbols can hold universal meanings or truth, so I tend to do some research when they show up. I look at multiple sites for information because I want to gain a full picture and it allows me to figure out what truly resonates with me based on what I saw.

Sometimes, getting an outside perspective helps put the pieces together or may show how they fit, so there's nothing wrong with talking to someone with the wisdom to help. Key words being…wisdom to help. Not everyone is capable of leading someone to the right interpretation of what is being shown, so be smart about who you ask for guidance.

Also. not everything gets revealed instantly. Sometimes, the visions I see take weeks, months or years to be fully revealed. When I need the answer though, I will have it. I also don't go looking for spiritual visitations. They occur in their timing and when they need to.

Who am I?

2019-07-15T18:36:00.000-05:00

Who am I? That's a question I've asked myself a lot lately. Not long ago, I would have started with well, I'm a 45 yr old single Christian woman. However, I've learned that those things aren't who I am. They are just labels which describe a part of me, but doesn't at all really express me. I'm a woman who's learning to love all of herself. Some days that is easier than others, but I can say for certainty that I love myself more today than yesterday, and will love myself more tomorrow than today. I don't make excuses anymore for the person that I am. I struggle with my weight, but even my weight doesn't define me. It makes things harder for me sometimes, but that's a topic for another day.

Even being a Christian doesn't define me. You'd think it should, but in a world where that word is thrown around so frequently, it doesn't mean as much as it used to....it's like the word love. So many meanings and so much watered down perceptions causing words which should hold some meaning to be found lacking. When I say I'm a Christian, it means I believe in Jesus Christ and choose to follow who I believe Him to be. Throughout all the things I've learned in this life and all I've been through, the one thing that hasn't wavered is my faith in God. You don't have to share my faith to journey with me. Because quite honestly, we all view faith differently, so there's no way you are going to see things exactly like I do. You don't share my experiences. I do believe in being the most authentic and loving person I can be and accepting people where they are. It's not my job to change them...just to love them.

It shouldn't surprise anyone to know I have a minister's license. What may be surprising is that it's through American Marriage Ministries. The best part about that is that it truly allows me to be me in every sense of the word.

I also may be single. That doesn't make me "alone". It makes me unattached to someone else. I'd much rather walk through this world the way that I am, then be attached to someone that can't walk with me. I have an amazing group of friends and family - a true support system and wouldn't have it any other way. We get so caught up sometimes trying to find someone else to make us happy, and the key to true happiness, I believe is being happy with who we are and enjoying each day of the journey no matter what may come.

So, this is a little bit about who I am. I'm sure the more I write, the more you will learn about me. I know I have to tell my story about dealing with a not so great best friend for 8 years of my life and the healing I was able to find in that journey as well as my passions on healing and the spirit realm. Even if this journey is only for me, I can't wait to see how it turns out! <3