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Spiritual Parenting - Part 1- Dangerous Expectations

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 21:28:00 +0000

Post From: http://www.ambaraypublishing.co.uk/my-blog/spiritual-parenting-part-1-dangerous-expectations/

Below are quotations from Chopra’s book on Spiritual Parenting:

“We always remembered that our children were gifts from the Universe, and we let them know that we felt this way… ”

“We let them know how privileged and honoured we felt to help raise them. We felt as though we didn’t own or possess them…”

“We didn’t project our own expectations on to them…”

“We didn’t feel the need to compare them - for good or bad with anyone else.”

“This was our way of making them feel complete within themselves…”

Wow, what a handful of things to think about in terms of our own parenting styles and techniques. Perhaps it’s even a little uncomfortable to read such things because it makes us painfully aware of the things that we are ‘not doing’.

But the beauty of Chopra’s analysis does not concern - doing anything - at all.

On a deeper level, his words are about attempting to bring about an entire shift in mental, emotional thoughts and attitudes, that we as parents have, rather than drastically changing our actions . Only then can we be at some kind of peace with the most difficult job of all.

From my own understanding of Deepak Chopra; I firmly believe his words are not written to highlight the inadequacies of our parenting – they are merely asking us to make a shift in our everyday inter-cranial dialogues!

I was listening to a Pakistani Radio programme today on the importance of fathers in the family. Fathers, within South East Asian Families all over the world are often patriarchal, authoritative figures. The programme expressed the importance of having peaceful, communicative familial relationships and the point was made that Asian fathers often remain considerably aloof from their children – often resulting in negative relationships being carried in to adulthood. These relationships may well lead to other emotional problems in later life.

In my own life, I have witnessed this in almost every Asian family I have ever come in to contact with. Within British Asian families (and I am sure the same could be said in the US) there seems to be a disturbing need to ‘stamp our marks’ on our children.

Western Asian children often grow up with the notions that life decisions about occupations, marital partners, homes etc should be done in consultation with parents. There is a feeling that as children we must ‘please’ our parents and that we ‘owe’ them something for bringing us up.

These traditional ideas of obligation are often perpetuated by the idealism of Eastern notions that we ‘look after’ our elderly and respect them. In fact in Indian Soaps (there are hundreds) we are reminded of the value in archaic traditions.

One example may be the importance of the Indian Bahu (with her blood red vermillion and traditional garb) sacrificing all, to be accepted in to her husband’s family. People seem to applaud the archetypal daughter who massacres her desires to make her parents happy; they almost salute the sons who shun their controlling wives to put their domineering parents first.

Where on earth did we go wrong? The Indian and Pakistani media is a cultural tool and it is still flying in the face of spirituality. It is forgetting the true importance of our individual journey and how supremely important it is to achieve our ‘own’ dreams.

Off course our parents are extremely important. As many Eastern religions purport: parents are akin to Godliness. That I am not denying – because as parents we hold an awful lot of power over our children and this must be utilised wisely – or our children will not be able to fulfil their potentiality.

Spiritual Parenting- Some Reflections

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 20:09:00 +0000

From: http://www.ambaraypublishing.co.uk/my-blog/spiritual-parenting-some-reflections/

I think I am on a bit of a roll here because, all of a sudden, I feel I have found teachings on parenting that resonate with my deepening feelings of spirituality. In all honesty I was going to overlook Chopra and his Spiritual Guide to Parenting. I felt that people would misunderstand my frequent reference to Chopra as reflective of Hindu Philospohy. But he is a superstar in his own right; and revered globally!

However Chopra transcends religion in his writing. I say this with conviction – these posts are applicable to parents all over the world and to those that belong to any faith.

Rhonda Byrne’s best seller: The Secret; teaches us (in a very simplistic and effective way) about the law of attraction in our lives, with the premise that the world has a divine creator. This is what Chopra does and thus his work is open to any person who believes in some kind of ‘higher’ force or ‘spiritual being’. In fact, it could be argued, that his philospohical musings can be enjoyed by those with no such hankerings. Obviously there is a plethora of other books on this topic that people may also find useful.

The other real issue that I had before embarking on these animated discussions about Spiritual Parenting; was the fact that ‘spirituality’ on any level in our Western World is frequesntly shunned. We live in a secular world where discussions about faith, spirit, God or divinity are treated with abhorrence or indeed it is perceived to be in the domain of those with serious psychological disorders!

In fact religiosity after 9/11 is synonymous with terrorism. I hope those of you who believe that there might be something to an alternative (and firmly from a non- religious) perspective on parenting than the conventional Super Nanny dialogues that we are so used to; will find my musings on these topics interesting.

Spiritual Parenting - Punishment Doesn't Work

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 15:14:00 +0000

Dr Deepak Chopra says on more than one occasion that he brought up his children without reprimanding or punishing them:

“We never felt the need to punish them, although we let our children know very honestly when we were disappointed, angry or hurt. This was our way of teaching of teaching by reflection instead of rules.”

On reading this quote it becomes difficult to fathom how one is to bring up children in this way especially if routine and discipline have been an integral part of one’s parenting style for years.
I myself am a fan of Gina Ford, and if you are at all familiar with her advice and thoughts on rules and routine you will realise how defined her views are on early parenting.

I have to say that on first reading of this statement I sat open mouthed at the prospect of doing away with the ‘sad cloud’ (a friendly word for the naughty step!) I simultaneously broke in to a cold sweat at merely contemplating not being able to threaten my son with withholding his Power Rangers the next time he decided to flagrantly disregard my precious rules.

How could you bring up a child in this hippy way? Surely children need to be aware of their boundaries and what constitutes appropriate behaviour?

Read about the outcome: http://www.ambaraypublishing.co.uk/my-blog/spiritual-parenting-punishment-doesnt-work/

Spiritual Parenting - Say NO to Conventional Success

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 13:25:00 +0000

Last week I brought Deepak Chopra’s best selling work; ‘The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success’ - a search on http://www.amazon.co.uk/ revealed that he also had a book on Spiritual Parenting called: “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success for Parents”. I thought that this work would be particularly pertinent given my website (http://www.ambaraypublishing.co.uk/), my role as a Lecturer and above all the responsibility I have as a parent.

The book is not really religious: it is just a soulful insight in to the difficult job of parenting. It includes a wholly alternative way of looking at parenting to the super-nanny form of parenting that has become so popular – especially in the UK.

There were certain suggestions that touched me and I thought I would just briefly outline, I will start with what I believe to be one of his most important suggestions:

Try to digest this suggestion: ‘Put no pressure on them to achieve conventional success. This can be your way of telling them it is them that they are being cherished for who they are and not what you necessarily want them to become.’

Read the rest of this article on:

www.ambaraypublishing.co.uk/my-blog/spiritual-parenting-say-no-to-conventional-success/

Save the Punjabi Language

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 22:27:00 +0000

A report prepared by Unesco in 2008 stated that the Punjabi language will disappear from the world in 50 years. Now I don't know the accuracy of this report, however I am aware of second and third generation NRI parents who are struggling to ensure that their British Punjabi offspring have an adequate grasp of the Punjabi language that they themselves grew up with.

I myself am struggling to impart the language and cultural nuances of Punjabi to my son. I have therefore extended my writings and interests to cover the area of bilingualism and how this in particular it is effecting the Punjabi community outside of the Panjab.

Language is the only way to retain a culture and as parents we must endeavour to do our very best.

The UNESCO report said the following about language and it's acquisition :

"A language is in danger when its speakers cease to use it, use it in an increasingly reduced number of communicative domains, and cease to pass it on from one generation to the next. That is, there are no new speakers, adults or children."

"Even languages with many thousands of speakers are no longer being acquired by children; at least 50% of the world’s more than six thousand languages are losing speakers. We estimate that, in most world regions, about 90% of the languages may be replaced by dominant languages by the end of the 21st century."

And so - without being condescending in any way - the future of a language is entirely dependant on parents making the time; and putting in the necessary effort required to ensure that a child learns a second language. In this case this would be Punjabi.

For NRI parents this is not as easy as it looks. Punjabi is entirely a second language in the United Kingdom and America. English is the host language and often young children and indeed their parents are confined to making use of their ancestral language only in the home or in the local Punjabi community. With increasingly busy lives and kinship networks becoming disparate, the opportunity to acquire ones 'mother tongue' is becoming very difficult.

I believe it's dilution is apparent in second generation immigrants but it is undeniable in the third and further generation of settlers in the west.

We are firmly in the 21st century and living in an era where International boundaries between states are becoming increasingly diluted and the need to communicate in a universal way is crucial to the success of the world economy.

According to Gobind Thukral (South Asia Post, 64th Edition, May 15 2008) "There are more native speakers of Chinese across the globe, but English is the global language. Initially it was military barracks that forced an imperialist language on the people. English, French and Persian are some examples. Now the emergence of English as the global language has been for other critical factors; commerce, industry, technology, media, communication, the Internet, the arts, cinema and popular music. "

Thus English is the 'order' of the day and many parents - especially in the west - may not be overly concerned that their children do not know Punjabi. It is easy to feel smug that their children are thoroughly westernised and can assimilate fully within this society in a way that 1st generation settlers in the West were never able to do. However Western Punjabi children are missing out on a vital part of their native history and roots, which they may wish to have ties with, or show some affiliation to, later on in their lives and careers. To give children a 'choice' is the greatest gift a parent can give their children.

In another post I will be outlining the tremendous academic benefits of a bilingual lifestyle and how such a lifestyle choice can be of tremendous benefit to children. I think that this does need to be covered as there can be an inherant snobbery displayed by some second and third generation Asians towards Ethnic Minority languages.

Slumdog Millionaire- The Book

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 21:02:00 +0000

The book is brilliant, the plot is mind blowing, the storyline convincing, the reality reeling...

As Robert Mckee outlines in his book STORY (1999; 28): "Given the choice between trivial material brilliantly told versus profound material badly told, an audience will always choose the trivial told brilliantly. Master storytellers know how to squeeze the life out of the least of things, while poor storytellers reduce the profound to the banal. You might have the insight of a Buddha, but if you cannot tell story, your ideas turn dry as chalk"

Vikas Swarup certainly can tell a story, he is the master storyteller - a story that Mckee would salivate over. The book is no literary feat. It has no fancy quotes or reams of gratuitous prose. It is just a story told remarkably well. There are twists and turns. The character is created with care -the reader is forced to follow his every move with bated breath. I almost read the book in one foul swoop - to put it down requires effort!

I have yet to see the film version - but the reviews enticed me to buy the novel. I prefer to plough through the book before going to see the film- I can't do it the other way around!

There are genius moments of insight and intricacies of Indian life, Swarup (as Ram Mohammed Thomas) writes:

"First there are advertisements. This war is sponsored by Mother India Toothpaste and Jolly Tea. Then we have a broadcast by the Prime Minister..."

Another line reminded me of my childhood days and my mother forcing me to write random pieces of prose about strange things I didn't have a clue about:

"Putul is carrying something with him too, but it is not an autograph book. It is a writing book. His dad has told him that no school does not mean no studies. Now every day he will have to sit in his bunker and write essays. Today's topic is 'My Cow', even though Putul doesn't have a cow."

The book is tongue in cheek about the Indian obsession with Bollywood and celebrity. The novel shows this is in stark contrast with the gritty reality of the glumness in the form of slums and poverty that make up a part of every city in India. Slumdog Millionaire deals with incest, prostitution, domestic violence, parental neglect, rabies, police torture to name but a few societal ills. Despite this, the penultimate chapter is every bit as uplifting and full of the hope of life as any Bollywood movie is!

Amitabh Bacchan has made indignant comments about the film not being a 'true' illustration of Indian life - but which India does Mr Bacchan live in? Definitely not in the slums of Swarup's novel.

Riya Agnihotri

Don't Always Trust Doctors!

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 19:39:00 +0000

I haven't posted again in a while. I am afraid that I have periods of abstinence - or laziness of a frantic motherly kind. A few new things have materialised in my mundane world.

1) I have gone back to Lecturing -albeit part-time.

2) My husband had a weird bite that almost turned gangrene and resulted in three operations and a longish stint in hospital. ALL because our GP is a drongo and prescribed him a child's dose of antibiotics. CLEVER? DOCTORLEY? No I don't think so either. Ok: so some of the blame could be placed on my husband who TRUSTED the doc and believed that his hand (despite it being the size of an incredibly overweight incredible hulk's arm - on a small bloke)- was getting better.

Me? Does anyone listen to me? What about Dr Riya Agnihotri's opinion?....

Go to ****ing A&E or your arm will have to amputated. Simple.

I had to threaten to call a ambulance for my other half....then he muttered inaudible profanities and sauntered one-armedly out of our front door at 3am. He returned an hour later with a higher does of pansey-biotics and continued to suffer till I BUNDLED him in to the car and took him back in and took on the medical profession. They kept him in. They were sorry. They were horrified at the state of his hand. He had 3 subsequent operations and plastic surgery.

And if the doc and my hubby had listened to their gut - or just me - they could have been a lot better off.

Why don't we listen to our sixth sense? We should listen to what our body throws up (not literally). We should trust how we feel about our children's ailments. We should appreciate that doing what we feel is right, is usually the best in any situation. Even if you are proved to be a nervous wreck with disproportionate psychological concerns by those on duty: so what?

Last week - I took my son in to A&E when I realised our doctor and my husband thought there was nothing wrong...despite a 39.5 temperature and vomiting to accompany his state. I was right- his oxygen levels were low and he needed urgent attention.

So the moral of this story? Listen to yourself, take the doctors advice with a container full of salt, and do what you feel is right. They might have studied medicine for 10 years, but you have been living in your body for longer, and to add to that, NO ONE knows your child like you do. Especially not a doctor who at best sees you for a few times a year.

Depressed Parents and the Effects on Their Children

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 09:06:00 +0000

Depressed Parents and the Effects on Their Children
The Cycle of Depression

There is a great deal of research documenting that children of depressed parents are at high risk for depression themselves, as well as for substance abuse and antisocial activities. Many studies have found that depressed mothers have difficulty bonding with their infants; they are less sensitive to the baby's needs and less consistent in their responses to the baby's behavior. The babies appear more unhappy and isolated than other children. They may be difficult to comfort, appear listless, and be difficult to feed and put to sleep.

When they reach the toddler stage, such children are often very hard to handle, defiant, negative, and refusing to accept parental authority. This, of course, reinforces the parents' sense of failure. Father and mother's parenting is likely to remain inconsistent, because nothing they do has any visible effect.

A very simple treatment plan could be if you suspect you are depressed or a loved one is struggling to cope: get mom some immediate relief (daycare, relatives, camp, baby-sitters), then treat her depression - go to a doctor there are options available ranging from anti-depressants to psychotherapy, try to do some reading around how to diffuse power struggles with your toddler or child, and start slowly to rebuild an affectionate bond with your baby.

The only problem that I can see within the Asian community is the reluctance to acknowledge depression. There is a tendency to blame the person in the situation; or that it simply doesn't exist. Post -natal depression is a very real condition and if left untreated can linger. Asian Women are also less likely to accept help, especially those not living in larger extended families. They rarely have babysitters and nannies who can all help in relieving the immense pressure of parenting. A stay-at-home mum may feel she has no recourse as she is the sole carer of the child while her husband earns the keep. But parenting is more than a full time job and you must take all actions necessary to safeguard your mental health.

If you had a 'physical' health problem - you would not hesitate - but depression left untreated can have lasting effects on both yourself and your child.

When the depressed parent isn't able to get help like this, the outlook isn't good for the child. He or she grows up with dangerous and destructive ideas about the self–that he's unlovable, uncontrollable, and a general nuisance. He doesn't know how to get attention from adults in positive ways, so gets labeled a troublemaker. He doesn't know how to soothe himself, so is at risk for substance abuse. He doesn't know he's a worthwhile human being, so is at risk for depression. He hasn't learned how to control his own behavior, so he can't fit into school or work.

Solutions for Depression

No one knows for sure why the incidence of adult depression keeps increasing. Many people don't realize they have it. Some people have trouble sleeping and have other physical symptoms, feel anxious and overwhelmed, have lost ambition and hope, feel alone and alienated, are tormented by guilt or obsessional thoughts, may even have thoughts of suicide-but they don't say they're depressed. They just feel that life stinks and there's nothing they can do about it. If their children are out of control, they think that they don't have what it takes to be parents.

The tragic irony is that adult depression is rather easily treated - certainly at much less social cost than schools' attempts to teach children self-control. New antidepressant medications and focused psychotherapy can reliably and efficiently help 80 to 90 percent of depressed patients; and the earlier we can catch it, the better the chances of success.
If your children are in trouble, maybe you should be evaluated for depression. Take your spouse along.

You owe it to your child to do something about the way that you are feeling.

Riya Agnihotri

www.desimums.com

Opium Financed British Rule In India

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 09:11:00 +0000

Article and Interview Taken from the BBC Website.

A brilliant article and a must read for those wanting to know the realities of British Rule in India.

'India was the largest opium exporter for centuries'

Leading Indian writer Amitav Ghosh's critically acclaimed new novel Sea of Poppies is set during a time when opium trade out of India was flourishing during British rule. The novel spans three continents and close to two centuries and is the first in a planned historical trilogy set in the 19th century.

Ghosh, a trained anthropologist and historian with a doctorate from Oxford University, spoke to the BBC's Soutik Biswas on the colonial opium trade.

Sea of Poppies is a historical novel. Is it the fact that the British were the world's biggest opium suppliers two centuries ago that led you into this story?

I should correct you. It was not two centuries ago. Under the British Raj, an enormous amount of opium was being exported out of India until the 1920s. And no, the opium story was not really the trigger for the novel. What basically interested me when I started this book were the lives of the Indian indentured workers, especially those who left India from the Bihar region. Before the British came, India was one of the world's great economies. For 200 years India dwindled and dwindled into almost nothing

But once I started researching into it, it was kind of inescapable - all the roads led back to opium. The indentured emigration [out of India] really started in the 1830s and that was [around the time of] the peak of the opium traffic. That decade culminated in the opium wars against China.
Also all the indentured workers at that time came from all the opium growing regions in the Benares and Ghazipur areas. So there was such an overlap there was no escaping opium.

When and how did you end up researching and learning more about the British opium trade out of India?

I was looking into it as I began writing the book about five years ago. Like most Indians, I had very little idea about opium. I had no idea that India was the largest opium exporter for centuries. I had no idea that opium was essentially the commodity which financed the British Raj in India.

'Opium accounted for a large part of India's economy'

It is not a coincidence that 20 years after the opium trade stopped, the Raj more or less packed up its bags and left. India was not a paying proposition any longer.

What did you discover in the course of your research? How big was the trade?

Opium steadily accounted for about 17-20% of Indian revenues. If you think in those terms, [the fact that] one single commodity accounted for such an enormous part of your economy is unbelievable, extraordinary. In fact the revenues don't account for entire profits generated [out of opium trade] -there was shipping, there were so many ancillary industries around opium.
How and when did opium exports out of India to China begin?

The idea of exporting opium to China started with Warren Hastings (the first governor general of British India) in 1780. The situation was eerily similar to [what is happening] today. There was a huge balance of payments problem in relation to China. China was exporting enormous amounts, but wasn't interested in importing any European goods. That was when Hastings came up with idea that the only way of balancing trade was to export opium to China. In the 1780s he sent the first shipment of opium to China. It was a small shipment and they could hardly get rid of it. There wasn't much demand. [But], within 10 years, demand for opium increased by factors of magnitude. It was incredible - within a period of 10-30 years how much the opium trade spread and increased.

Afghanistan is now the biggest opium producer in the world. In the period that Hastings started exporting opium in the 1780s until about 1809-1810, most of the opium in India was grown in the Bengal presidency (in eastern India). After that the Malwa region in western India began growing opium. Finally twice as much opium was growing in western India and there was a huge export from that region. What do you think the major princely states lived off?

What kind of human devastation did opium growing wreak on the Indians?

I can't say I have an accurate picture. Whether it was devastation or not we don't know. There is so little we know [about this aspect]. Some reformers were trying to stop the opium trade and we know from their petitions and letters that there was fair amount of resistance. There seem to have been a lot of difficulties for peasants - they were switching to an agricultural monoculture, and that was causing problems.

With so much poppy being grown, didn't local people get addicted to it?

It happened. One of the curious things I was not aware of was that there are many different ways of consuming opium. One of the ways was to eat it in a bowl. This was somehow the commonest way of taking opium in India - either eating it or dissolving it in water.

East of India and eastwards through China there was a different way of consuming it which was by smoking it. That was very much more addictive. It was not traditionally the case that people smoked opium in India. Opium also was a part of social life - it was offered during certain ceremonies. So it was a very complex picture. If there was any direct damage to India, it lay in the disruption of the agricultural timetable. But the damage that was done to China was incalculable.

Both Indian and British history appear to have glossed over this part of colonial rule.

Absolutely. Opium was the fundamental under girding of our economy for centuries. It is strange that [even] for someone like me who studied history and knew a fair amount about Indian history, I was completely unaware of it.

Why do you think that happened?

I think the reason is some sort of whitewashing of the past. On the Indian side, there is a sort of shame, I suppose. Also, just a general unawareness. I mean how many people are aware that the Ghazipur opium factory [in India] continues to be one of the single largest opium producers in the world? It is without a doubt the largest legitimate opium factory in the world.

Don't you find it ironic that the tables have turned in a sense with Afghanistan becoming the world's biggest opium producer with most of it sold in the affluent West?

It is strange. But it's an irony in which no one can take any comfort. Opium is a destructive thing for anyone, anywhere. And it remains a potent driver of economies, at least in a place like Afghanistan.. And, before that in Burma.

Sea of Poppies appears to be a scathing critique of British colonialism. Do you think colonialism has had a pretty easy ride in India and there is not enough examination of the extent of how it affected the country adversely?

It's such an ironic thing. Before the British came, India was one of the world's great economies. For 200 years India dwindled and dwindled into almost nothing. Fifty years after they left we have finally begun to reclaim our place in the world.

All the empirical facts show you that British rule was a disaster for India. Before the British came 25% of the world trade originated in India. By the time they left it was less than 1%. Lot of Indians believe that the British built institutions, the police, bureaucracy. I don't know what people think about when they say such things. When they talk about [the British building] modern institutions it amazes me.

Was there no police force in India before the British came? Of course there was. There were darogas (policemen), there were chowkis (police stations). In fact the British took the word chowki and put it into English. So to say such things is absurd.

A very revealing interview with a renowned writer. This will be Amitabh Ghosh's Seventh Book. He is a talented but pithy writer - many of his novels are long and require a great deal of patience. But this book is a must - if anything to educate ourselves about the myths perpetuated by the British with regards to their time in India.They were a vindictive Imperial Force. The British were not the saviours of India and as Ghosh points out: India is a growing force and will very soon be economically a bigger giant than the country that sought to rule it.

Riya Agnihotri

Trouble in Bed

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 10:00:00 +0000

Trouble in your marriage can cause trouble in bed, but not necessarily the kind of trouble that first comes to mind.

New research has found that women in happy marriages tend to sleep more soundly than women in unhappy marriages. In fact, women with good marriages have about 10 percent greater odds of getting a decent night of shut-eye compared to women who aren't happy with their spouse.

I don't think really think this research is rocket science. Women, due to familial pressures are less likely to get any sleep - let alone good quality sleep. This is especially relevant to mothers with small children. Often the men leave children to their mothers during the night - because they have to work. Domestic management is not akin to a hard days graft at the office is it men?

The other thing is snoring - a real nightmare and barrier to sleep.

Anyway this article emphasises how sleep can be seriously impaired further if their is additional stress and pressure in the relationship.

"Marriage can be good for your sleep if it's a happy one. But, being in an unhappy marriage can be a risk factor for sleep disturbance," said the study's lead author, Wendy M. Troxel, a psychologist at the University of Pittsburgh.

The million-dollar question, Troxel said, is which comes first - does the unhappy marriage lead to poor sleep, or does poor sleep contribute to a bad marriage?

"We have future studies planned, and we need to tease that out," she said. "If you're not sleeping, you're more irritable, have lower frustration and tolerance levels, so it's possible that could affect the marriage. But we suspect it's in the other direction," that the bad marriage is affecting the quality of sleep because you're trying to sleep next to someone you may be fighting with, and that's stressful.

"If you're stressed or anxious, it can have an effect on your sleep," agreed Dr. Ana Krieger, director of the New York University Sleep Disorders Center in New York City.
Troxel and her colleagues reviewed data on about 2,000 married women who participated in the Study of Women's Health Across the Nation (SWAN). The women were an average age of 46 years. Just over half were white, 20 percent were black, 9 percent were Hispanic, 9 percent were Chinese, and 11 percent were Japanese. No South Asian groups by the look of it - I think Asian Women don't fight with our spouses - do we?

All of the women reported their sleep quality, the state of their marriage, how often they had difficulty falling asleep, if they stayed asleep, and how early they woke up.

Happily married women had less trouble getting to sleep, had fewer sleep complaints, had more restful sleep and were less likely to wake up early or awaken in the middle of the night than women whose marriages were less than ideal.

Even after the researchers adjusted the data to account for other factors known to disturb sleep, the researchers found that happily married women still slept more soundly. And, these findings appeared to hold up across racial lines. The only groups that the findings weren't statistically significant for were Chinese and Japanese women, but Troxel suspects this may be because there weren't as many Chinese or Japanese women in the study as white and black women.
Troxel was expected to present her findings June 9 at Associated Professional Sleep Societies annual meeting, in Baltimore.

"All marriages aren't created equal, and having a high quality marriage may be good for sleep, whereas an unhealthy marriage is a potent source of stress. You could be sleeping with the object of your hostility," Troxel said.

If you have a lot of stress from your marriage or another source, such as your job, Krieger said you need to try to fix the situation that is causing the anxiety. If you can't change the stressful situation, she recommended trying to change how you perceive the stress. Good ways to help you relax are meditation and yoga, she said.

Troxel said that if you're in an unhappy marriage, marriage therapy - or individual therapy if your spouse won't go to therapy - can be helpful.

She also recommended practicing good sleep habits, such as going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time every day.

...Or you could sleep in separate bedrooms if you really can't leave. And if you can leave? Then do it for your sanity and shut eye ...

(Taken from: http://www.everydayhealth.com/)
Also uploaded on to: http://www.desimums.co.uk/content.php?page=12

What is the Point of Nursery?

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 15:44:00 +0000

I am rather concerned of late about my Son's nursery. A few problems have cropped up - not because of my angelic (pigs might fly) little boy - but because I am a little worried that:

a) The size of the nursery is increasing. b) 4 members of staff have left in a seven month period. c) my son brought home a picture labelled as Archie- (there isn't an Archie in his nursery - they must have temporarily forgotten his name).

All of this has made me think, somewhat gravely about the nursery sector. Before placing our son in the nursery we were courted, flirted with and appreciated. And then bang it's all gone. He's there, settled in at last and making what I perceive to be very little progress. In fact I had to mention that Arya could read a few words and perhaps it was time he was put on the reading tree. He rarely comes home full of new knowledge (and doesn't really talk about it all). I know that is not like him. Whenever he picks up something new - our ears take a bashing for a few hours.

The nursery does not really feedback to us in any way, shape or form (we had a parents evening just gone and we were not really told anything new about his progress). All I get is "He's so young still." He is three and a half, not two, young yes - but baby no. This is irritating as the nursery is attached to a very good private school - so you would think that the standards were high.

I did post earlier in the year that maybe I was being a 'little' pushy. I am an educator by profession, therefore I am naturally inclined to be a little worried about his progress. I do think there are so many ways children learn and they all need to be exploited.

There needs to be nursery system whereby parents are kept up to date with what 'exactly' their child is learning. Some of us DO care. I do ask...but I feel as though I am being blacklisted - you can just hear the staff hissing-"Watch that one - she's a demented, overbearing bat." - they could be on to something there!

I'm on the look out in my area for a nursery like this... do drop me a line if you have one in your area!

Asian Mums, Asian Mummy, Asian Mum, Asian Moms, Desi Mums, Desi Moms, Indian Mums, Indian Parenting, India Parenting...

Zameen: A Play About A Farming Family in the Punjab

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 17:28:00 +0000

I went to see the play at the Nuffeild Theatre yesterday. I knew from promoting the play on my site: http://www.desimums.com/ that it would be a hard-hitting play, dealing with difficult issues being addressed in an open and multicultural platform.

Satinder talks openly about her time in Punjab researching the play that she wrote in collaboration with the Kali Theatre (http://www.kalitheatre.co.uk/). According to the director of the play, Janet Steel, Satinder approached the Kali Theatre company with the penultimate scene. The company were so impressed by her vision and writing that they helped Satinder to develop the play which took three years from conception to completion.

It was an honourable attempt at trying to bring such tragic occurrences to the forefront of Society. According to statistics over 150,000 farmers in Punjab commit suicide every year. The play also dealt with female infanticide and foetocide. The ratio's of women to men in the Punjab are incredibly low and present their own societal problems. The idealisation of "Amrika" by the young men in Punjab is something that 'crops' up several times in the course of the play. Young men across India by virtue of their 'free time' spend most of their free time in a drunken stupor or a haze of drug fueled days.

So What Was The Play Actually Like?

Okay - perhaps I am not the best person to say - but I am entitled to my own opinion. I am not going to shy away from giving negative feedback just because the play dealt with such important and harsh realities of modern day Indian Society... I believe that Satinder tried to cram the whole of the societal ills that prevail in the Punjab, in to a 180 minute play.

In my opinion this resulted in a 'forced' narrative. The play was uncomfortable - not because of the problems facing the farmers - but because it felt like this information was deliberately planted, rather than naturally emanating in every scene. It seemed like the News. Depressing news, but (without doubt) news that we need to sit up and listen to, acknowledge and do something about.

In a play of this nature, subtlety can be very effective. However it felt like I was being bludgeoned throughout. It was a Punjabi play -yet very little of the language was actually used. I know it was important to appeal to a wider and non- Punjabi speaking audience - but it is important to credit the audience with some intelligence. For goodness sake, in the play "There is Something about Simmy" there was more Punjabi used and they had subtitles on an electronic screen at the top of the auditorium - perhaps a similar attempt should have been made here. Just a little bit more - to make it real.

Punjabi is a beautiful and strong language and it would have given the play an air of authenticity. Satinder dropped in the occasional "Yaar" and "Kamina" and "Hai Hai" but it was all very tokenistic. Unfortunately my barrage doesn't stop there. Some of the creativity was wonderful. The imagery was touching. But it was also flowery. Too flowery for a barely educated farming family (except for the daughter who was a village teacher). That is why I felt it was difficult to connect with the subject matter on an emotional level. It didn't feel real.

Perhaps Satinder was a tad too gratuitous with her words - I don't know. As a writer myself, it is difficult to omit words. The construction of words is a laborious task. A playwright has no room for sentimental attachments to her work. She has to think about how her play will be recieved by the audience. As a Punjabi she should have given more thought to the cultural mannerisms of Punjabi's. A mixture of Grass Roots Punjabi and English is what we needed to hear. In places in was a little cliched. It just sounded a tad too 'posh'.

I do feel a little anal, but just to quickly finish my onslaught: the actress should have pinned back her fringe (they wouldn't have bangs in Punjabi villages - what ever happened to getting in to character?) She should also have left the shrieking to her role in the "Simmy" play. She was terrible in such a serious and demanding part.

The character Dhani - who played the part of the drunk brother, was an extremely talented young man. I thought he was very much like Naveen Andrew's or an Asian Colin Firth! He had an incredibly powerful presence on the stage - definitely an actor to watch.

Overall - a brave debut for a new writer for the stage. To deal with such topics is something which many would shy away from. But Satinder Chohan was brave, earnest and ultimately successful in bringing the plight of Punjabi farmers to the stage and in to the lives of those that saw it.
Desi Mums. Desi Moms, Desi Mummy, Desi Mom, Indian Mum, Indian Parenting, Asian Mums, Asian Moms, Asian Mum.

The Pink Weight Loss Patch

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 08:07:00 +0000

http://www.thepinkpatch.co.uk/

You cannot have failed to have noticed -especially if you have a hotmail account - the 'pink patch' weight loss advert flashing away at the top. Well MUGGINS here decided that in the desperate attempt to lose the 7 pounds I put on months ago I would order the plasters. There was a free trial.

Unfortunately ladies -that's all the Pink Patch is...a bloody 'rip off' plaster. Apparently is has herbs to help to melt those blasted pounds away. It does nothing except pull at your belly hair when you attempt to remove it.

Why do we do it? Why do I do it? I even ordered a months supply thinking that a free 10 day trial wasn't enough (you need to give these things a chance) well don't bother. I lost 40 pounds - amazing; only the loss was in pounds sterling.

Don't bother. Ignore it and laugh. The only way you will shift the flab is move that lard arse and eat less. I need to take my own advice. I lose £46 a month on a gym membership too. Uhgh

They don't think - they know some women will buy almost anything to do with weight loss.

Desi Mums. Desi Moms, Desi Mummy, Desi Mom, Indian Mum, Indian Parenting, Asian Mums, Asian Moms, Asian Mum.

Asian Snobs Who Snub Bollywood

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Sat, 31 May 2008 10:46:00 +0000

Bollywood is a blast. It's glamorous, it's sexy, it's fierce and it's the largest film industry in the world. But when thinking about the industry do you know what REALLY bothers me? It's when those people who originate from 'the Des' feign utter disgust at Bollywood (I bet they are closet fans really - I mean how could you not be?). You all know one sour mango in your pack of friends - indeed you may even be one? They emphatically throw their arms up in the air, wrinkle up their noses and shake their heads (all at the same time) and denounce any affiliation or liking of 'those films'.

Bollywood by it's very nature is deemed as 'popular culture' indeed a more common label would be 'mass culture'. Bollywood snubbers quietly but vehemently remind us that 'those films' are aimed at the 'poor' uneducated masses of the Indian Sub-continent. The films are an escapist experience for the poor sods who, after three hours of film, go back to the mundane madness of their misshapen and meagre lives. These snobs believe that we in the west should accept a more diverse palate and leave behind this trash that shamelessly copies Hollywood. Get over it. Bollywood is an industry that appeals to all socio -economic classes to people all over the world.

However, it would be silly to deny that Bollywood films do have a pivotal role in the lives of the 'poor masses' in India. Tejaswani Ganti, a Professor and author of 'Bollywood -a guidebook to popular Hindi Cinema' does note that film makers are well aware that the main criterion for seeing a film "is entertainment which allows them a few hours escape from their harsh lives, and that they are entertained by spectacle, action, slapstick humour, bombastic dialogues, titillation and a fast narrative pace." And these filmmakers deliver all of this -and more.

Middle classes in India and Southall, skip lessons to go and watch remakes of Hollywood movies in their spare time. The content of Bollywood films is often very reflective of the political motivations and cultural practices of India.

Ganti states that cinema: "has played an important role in state discourses about development, nationhood and modernity in post-Independence India..." So in terms of having a 'role' Bollywood cinema does qualify.

Many non-Indians across the world devour Hindi Cinema. They love the vibrancy, the catchy song and dance sequences, the emotional roller coaster of time-tested story plots. Indian Cinema has the fantastic ability to be tongue in cheek about it's own industry. Take the all time Blockbuster by Farah Khan OM SHANTI OM. It's shameless in it's entertainment, it is a film that laughs at it's own creators: the film celebrates song and dance: for goodness sake reincarnation is at the crux of the plot - how deliciously shallow can you get?

I think people find it rather endearing that a young professional mum (yes I do have tabs on myself) can be so knowledgeable about Bollywood. My husband had some friends from India who found the the whole thing hysterical exclaiming: "Oh my god!!" slap, slap on the back.. "Vy do joo lub indian films yaaaaar? It's sooo cute nah?"

Other British Asian couples with children (those from middle class white areas, with middle class jobs and middle class values; who preferred Jungle Music and R&B to Bhangra at Uni) rarely acknowledge you on their frequency, when your son starts singing from the latest releases, or you ask them politely if they watched any 'Indian' stuff. It's almost like you are beneath them? Maybe I have self-esteem issues or am hyper- sensitive (or weird).

I mean B4U and ZEE music are fabulous entertainers -and great to have on in the background when visitors come around. The Simpson's and LOST don't cut the mustard. How bloodyannoying. I know a family (a lovely, wonderful bunch of SUPER intelligent people) that watch The Simpson's when conversation becomes a little stilted. They then proceed to laugh hysterically at some intelligent faux pas that Homer Simpson makes. I suppose it's the latent comedy coupled with political musings about the state of American society that makes them feel that they are watching something truly inspirational. It CANNOT be better than Malika Sherawat swinging seductively to a sensational tune...can it?

NEXT POST - The Educational Benefits of Bollywood - for your Babies....

Asian Mums, Asian Mummy, Desi Mums, Desi mummy, Desi Moms, INDIAN MUMS Indian MUMS, PAKISTANI MUMS, BANGLADESHI MUMS

Do Asian Parents Go to The Theatre?

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Fri, 30 May 2008 14:37:00 +0000

Today was a very interesting day. My husband, my three year old and I trundled off to the Mayflower Theatre in Southampton to see LAZY TOWN. Our son is an absolute fan of Sportacus and his lady friend; the pink-haired dancer Stephanie, who wears a very, very short dress.

We were greeted by a crowd of parents and lots of mini Sportacus' and Stephanies' running around brandishing glowing swords and twirly lights. The commercialisation of the popular children's show was a tad off-putting as you felt a little pressurised in to buying your kids memorabilia of the day. It was Arya's first Theatre visit so we did the whole 'lets buy him whatever he wants!'

Any way our son was a little overwhelmed, looked bored for most of it and even yawned a few times. He also got very stressed when he realised he couldn't run on to the stage and 'hang out' with the actors. I mean -for a child what's the point of going to the theatre if you can't 'meet' the stars? But as we know, we go to the theatre for the atmosphere of excitement; of booooooo's and dancing in the aisles: this is what theatre is all about.

One thing I did notice was there was no other Asian parents. Now call me a little strange for being concerned, but I was a tad miffed by the lack of colour in the auditorium -especially when there are about 1000 people (if not more) at the theatre. This is even more concerning when Southampton is a very multicultural city. Where were they all? Watching the latest repeat of Saloni Ka Safar or sipping on hot masala chai in their living rooms?

It's half term - why were Asian parents not out in force representing our brethren? Were we the only cultured ones watching a commercial remake of a children's TV programme at the theatre? I am a little disheartened by this, as the theatre is a terrific interactive medium for children. Unfortunately, Asian parents will drag their offspring to midnight viewings of a Bollywood movie but not go to the theatre to watch a children's show?

Maybe it's just Southampton, but I have noticed (I tend to do too much of it) that Asian Theatre productions are sparsely attended. They tend to be full of white people attempting to appreciate the ethnic: and aged Asians pretending to be Upper -middle class and 'in' with 'high culture'. I presume the young people are out getting pissed at the local Asian/ Bhangra night...

Why is this? There are so many talented playwrites and Asian actors putting on fabulous performances and dealing with 'Asian issues,' but we don't go out in force and support them. It's a whole new way of entertainment and one that I believe Desi's ought to go out and try and buy on a regular basis. There is nothing like the feeling of seeing a live fantastic performance and appreciating a good story and script that touches the freshie bone in us. (We all have freshie bone - even those in heavy denial of their roots.)

Asian Mums, Asian Mummy, Asian mum, Desi Mums, Desi Mum, Desi Moms...

Asian Mums: Bringing Up Boys: Steve Biddulph

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Thu, 29 May 2008 14:45:00 +0000

The title may very well be misleading. When it comes to male babies in the Asian Subcontinent we are well aware of the painful realities. However this blog post is to introduce mums to the stark differences between male and female children and how parents can adequately ensure that these differences are nurtured and developed in boys.

My post concerning Boys and Playing with Guns was an example of how boys do need different 'things'. Those of you who have children of both sexes can probably confirm that there are (often considerable) variations in character between a male and female child.

As a nation - and indeed the western education system, tries to encourage uniformity amongst pupils. Educators rarely acknowledge, for fear of reprisal, the essential needs that each sex has. I wholly believe that the education system needs to sit up and take responsibility for the fact that it is doing something very wrong. Boys are significantly underachieving from all socioeconomic backgrounds and are more likely to turn to less than desirable pass times.

My reading around this issue began with a purchase of Raising Boys By Steve Biddulph (A leading Psychologist, family therapist and Parenting Author). As a Lecturer myself I was drawn to his commonsense approach and the practical handbook. I saw many boys underachieve in college and I firmly believe that the education system cannot be the sole reason for the failure of boys in Education.

Whether you want to hear it or not - your child's education begins at home and can only flourish if a teachers job is complemented by an educationally sound environment at home. Steve Biddulph controversially blames the nursery culture for the underachievement of boys and believes that Boys especially, should not be left in a Nursery until they are three. He has also written the equally damning and uncomfortable book -Raising Babies- he discusses nurseries in much more detail in this publication.

Biddulph gives very strong arguments for this and if we think about the impersonal nature and lack of real one to one interaction in a nursery (however wonderful a Nursery nurse will NOT love your child and provide them with the warmth that a family can) he believes that a boys brain and pathways become restricted and underdeveloped. On first reading this explanation may appear rather simplistic, however read the book - it gives you a real insight in to the development of the brain in a very easy to understand manner.

He also firmly believes that a lack of male input in to the upbringing of a boy can be extremely detrimental later on in life. So if the man in your life leaves the children to you - then I'm afraid your son will be adversely effected. A boy needs to see and experience males being loving and affectionate, especially from around the age of six. They need to learn to be masculine in an intelligent and thoughtful way. Relating to others is a learnt skill. A boy needs man to look up to.

I love the way Biddulph uses a case study in his book to argue that many cases of ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) are actually cases of DDD (Dad Deficit Disorder). He is not implying all are - but boys tend to be labelled with this very frequently and he firmly believes that in a lot of cases this condition can be tackled by exposure to a loving male role model. This doesn't have to be a father - it could be an uncle or a close friend of the family.

Biddulph explores other territories like:

The Three Stages of Boyhood

Testosterone

How Boys' and Girls' Brains Differ

What Dads Can Do

Mothers and Sons

Developing a Healthy Sexuality

A Revolution in Schooling

Boys and Sport

He even looks at How to tell if a school is a good one for Boys? This is a brilliant chapter and one that I will cover at a later date.

If you have a boy and want to find a book that will educate you about bringing up males - then this book is a five star read.

Asian Mums, Asian Mum, Desi Mum, Desi Mums, desi mummy, Asian Mummy

Remember Me! By Sophie Kinsella

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Wed, 28 May 2008 21:40:00 +0000

Okay- I am going to have to admit my love of select chick lit. I am not ashamed at all, just a little disgruntled about the level of negativity levelled at the genre. I must admit after Bridget Jones - I rarely venture in to the area of chick lit UNLESS it makes it in to the best seller lists.

Now Sophie Kinsella's Shopaholic appeared on my desk at work about three years ago. It was a student's copy that had been left ailing in my classroom. As I was munching on my lunch I dug in to the book and subsequently couldn't put it down.

I was hooked. My life was at an absolute standstill. I was even sneakily reading the odd paragraph stuck in traffic. I don't know why. Perhaps it is with the ease that Kinsella draws her character. The simple language. The everyday situations, the plot. Kinsella is a brilliant novelist.

Remember Me! Is a stand alone novel and not a part of the Shopoholic Series. If you get past the rather awkward prologue you will be drawn in. Sophie Kinsella deals with the issue of serious amnesia in a very humorous and sympathetic way. The reader begins to empathise with the awful predicament the main protagonist finds herself in. Remember Me! can also be uncomfortable reading at times especially when it forces you to think about the much misunderstood area of mental health and how the lives of people experiencing memory loss can be adversely affected.

Whatever you may think of Chick lit don't forget that this writing is extremely difficult to write. That which seems easy and shallow very rarely is - get it and enjoy, even if you have to wear a balaclava to your local book store. Save yourself the misery and get it online!

Desi Mums, Desi Mummy, Asian Mummy, Asian Mum, Asian Mums.

Let Boys Play With Toy Guns: Ministers Advise Nursery Staff

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Tue, 13 May 2008 20:53:00 +0000

A little while ago I read an article in a newspaper that surprised me, even shocked me a little; It advocated that boys should be allowed to assert their natural masculine attributes of 'violence'!Ministers voiced the opinions that this should be an acceptable 'play' game.

Latest research is showing that boys should be encouraged to play with toy guns at nursery school because it can help improve their academic performance.

It's hard to believe that something that we are so against as a society should actually be accepted and reinforced by our education systems.

The Department for Children, Schools and Families said boys aged between three and five had fallen behind their female classmates partly because nursery staff tried to curb their desire for boisterous play involving weapons. Boys were more likely to become interested in education and would perform better if encouraged to pursue their chosen play.

The advice has proved controversial with teachers' unions, which said that toy guns "symbolise aggression" and teachers were right to stop them being used. They also criticised the government for stereotyping boys.

The guidance; Confident, Capable and Creative: Supporting Boys' Achievements, said national data for 2004-06 showed that in nursery education, boys performed worse than girls across all areas of learning. It is a pattern which the government says continues up until the GCSE stage. The report illustrates that better results can be achieved if nursery staff curb their "instincts" to stop boys from playing with toy guns and instead make better use of their interests.

"Sometimes practitioners find the chosen play of boys more difficult to understand and value than that of girls," the guidance states. "They may choose activities in which adults involve themselves least, or play that involves more action and a greater use of the available space, especially outdoors. Images and ideas gleaned from the media are common starting points in boys' play and may involve characters with special powers or weapons. Adults can find this type of play particularly challenging and have a natural instinct to stop it."

Our natural instincts do take over when supervising child's play. I can recall countless times when I have dived to change the channels when violence erupted on the screen. Bollywood can be particularly shaky because film that are a (U) Certificate can contain very violent scenes. Take for example Oh My Friend Ganesha. This is a cartoon based Bollywood film but yet contains some very dubious scenes. Sex is taboo in Bollywood films -unfortunately not mindless violence.

But from what I can recall I grew up in the late 70's and 1980's the era of Sholay style gangster movies. And we seem to have turned out OK. Where on earth do we draw the line? My husband doesn't see the problem, but I tend to think if he watches it then my son may attempt to emulate this behaviour in Nursery with other children.

The report further specified that -as long as staff helped boys understand and respect the rights of other children. "Creating situations so that boys' interests in these forms of play can be fostered through healthy and safe risk-taking - will enhance every aspect of their learning,"

Therefore it is not the violent play or viewing of violence that should be curbed - such play should always be accompanied by open discussion as to the implications and negativity of such situations.

Beverley Hughes, the children's minister, said the guidance took "a common-sense approach to the fact that many children, and perhaps particularly many boys, like boisterous, physical activity".

But Chris Keates, general secretary of the NASUWT teachers' union, warned that nurseries following the guidance risked incurring the anger of parents.

"I do not think schools should be encouraging boys to play with toy weapons," he said. "Many parents take the decision that their children won't have toy weapons. In addition to that, I think this is a clear example of gender stereotyping."

Steve Sinnott, NUT general secretary, said: "The real problem with weapons is that they symbolise aggression. We do need to ensure, whether the playing is rumbustious or not, that there is a respect for your peers, however young they are."

So How Can We Use This Information To Allow Our Boys To Be Boys?

My personal opinion is that everything in moderation is good, good, good. Let boys be boys - but be vigilant as to the type of violence they watch. Play acting fighting and being boisterous is great. My son is three and half now and can tell the difference between play fighting and actual aggression that can hurt others. He rarely 'hits' when he pretend fights and is very sensitive.

I don't think there is any harm and yes I do believe that schools do have a very 'female' approach and curriculum's. This can hinder the natural instincts of boys. Without going in to the intricacies of boys development they do learn in a VERY different way to girls and should not be compared to them. Make some pretend guns and get firing....

Real Desi Mum Writes: Day to Day Life as An Asian Mum. Desi mum. Asian Mummy, Asian Mum, Desi Mummy

The Twentieth Wife: Indu Sundaresan

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 15:22:00 +0000

I have just finished reading The Twentieth Wife by Indu Sundaresan. An amazing book by a talented author who does not deviate from her mission to educate her readers of a woman and Empress buried in Mughal History. Her account of Mehrunnisa is told with fervour and passion. Refreshingly, Sundaresan tells her story devoid of gratuitous prose. Each line and word in her classic tale moves the story forward.

I picked up the book from Amazon inspired by the 'ethnic' cover (yes I am shallow- we judge people by appearances don't we? And sadly - books to me are just as valuable). I also felt inspired by the magnificent new release Jodhaa Akbar. Everyone wants to know about Mughal India- it's the latest craze. However this book was written well before Jodha -Akbar. It was first published in 2003.

The book tells of Mehrunnisa who was later known as The Empress Nur Jahan. She was the aunt of Mumtaz Mahal; the woman who inspired the Taj Mahal.

Transport yourselves back to 1577. As a winter storm rages in the remote outpost of Qandahar, a baby girl named Mehrunnisa is born in a nomad tent. Her parents, penniless and in exile from their home in Persia, decide to give up the child. They already have three children, and are on their way to the Mughal court in India. A stranger takes pity on their plight, he gives back their precious girl and transports the family in to the grandiose courts of Akbar. This story unlike Jodha Akbar tells of Akbar's son; Prince Salim and later known as the the great Jehangir.

We follow the beautiful and graceful Mehrunnisa "Sun of Women" through her journey.
Brought up around the Mughal court, Mehrunnisa sees Jahangir at his first wedding. She decides with the precocity of an eight-year-old, that one day, she will be his wife.

The words flow through your mind effortlessly. As I read in bed, my Egyptian cotton sheets felt like raw silk, I could smell the rose water on my own skin (yes I know the body shop is great) I could feel the gold and ruby bangles resting on my arms.

As you can see (no I am not delusional) Sundaresan carefully embroiders the tale to encapsulate the reader in an era that people tend to romanticise.

But we are under no illusions, the imagery also presents a vehement picture of the cruelties that only Emperors could inflict on their nearest and dearest as well as those in their empire. The Twentieth Wife does not shy away from gory descriptions of heads on poles and eyes burnt with hot pokers. We can almost see guts spilling to the ground and the smell of blood lingering in the 'night air'. But the author balances all of this, skillfully, with the tale of the long and tortuous journey made by Mehrunnisa from a will full child to a wife, from a mother to a widow and then finally to her intended destination as Empress of Mughal India.

You don't have to be a fan of historical fiction. It's an easily digested book with lots of pomp and grandeur without being overly flowery and dense in its style. Read it and believe.

Desi Mums, Desi Mom, Desi Mummy, Asian Mums, Asian mum, Asian Mom, Asian Mummy.

Easter Bonnet Parade Winner!

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 21:03:00 +0000

Breaking News Today!

Well, well, well a turn up for the books. My son won the first competition of his life- an Easter Bonnet parade at his nursery. He was the proud winner of a nice big Easter Egg. Not that he cares or understands...he just wants the chocolate egg.

What I am surprised about is that every being in my family:

a) Fell about laughing when they saw what my son and I had come up with. (My other half)

b) Begged me not jeopardise his emotional future by making him wear his bonnet. (My darling sister)

c) My mother-in-law suggested something called a proper Easter bonnet. The ones you can get from the shop and stick things to.

But no. My son and I went on a hunt around our house. I was desperate and couldn't be bothered to go shopping.

I managed to rustle up an old Matalan Baker boy cap, a baby duck bib that I had kept from my sons youth, and a couple of cars his Bhuajee had brought him. Add to that, my Asda's cotton pads for removing make up, sprinkled with a hard boiled egg and voila you have a creative masterpiece.

I sewed on the cars and bib and Arya pretty much did his kamaal by sticking everything to it. The bonnet was floppy, naff and individual.

He worked the catwalk with expert ease, smiling his plastic smile. I looked on proud as punch with my mother-in-law. Some hats were so brilliant that I had not even thought that Arya would win. He did. Other parents were baffled, looking incredulously at the mess on my sons head. How on earth could that win?

The moral of the story: be individual, leave it to the last minute and be frugal (refuse to spend any money).

Happy Mother's Day

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 11:10:00 +0000

Happy Mothers Day to all you stressed, depressed, slummy mummy's out there.

On the day, find time to transform yourself in to an Angelina Jolie-esque vixen. Put on a push up bra, (obviously if you are breast-feeding it may not be possible), wear big, (bug-eye style) black glasses (it's not just an A-List Vicki thang) paint your finger nails and apply mehndi. If nothing else will stop you doing the housework - this will. (In fact I have a long standing right wrist complaint and my husband still does nothing around the house- even when it's really bad. Perhaps it will effect his masculinity in some way- I have yet to discover what it takes for a man to help out once in a blue moon?)

Anyway if all else fails. Leave the house promptly, arrange to meet some girlfriends or go to the Gym and sit in the Jacuzzi. Anything; but refuse to do the housework. Go to the In-Laws. Your kids will be happy and you can relinquish sole responsibility for your brood for a few hours.

Use mothers day as a reminder that you can have one day off in a whole year and look forward to the next one.

Check out: http://www.desimums.co.uk/content.php?page=6#art0 on why we celebrate Mother's Day. It's not just a commercial thing that Clinton's Cards and Interflora made up: It actually has religious and historical significance!

Happy Day

Love

xxxxx

BBC Asian Network and Big Blue Eyes

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 11:30:00 +0000

I was invited back on the BBC Asian Network this morning talking about us poor mums who have untold pressures to be 'Yummy Mummy's': So what do the stats say?

The findings come from two surveys carried out for Nivea Soft. By YouGov and Netmums. The report found that celebrity role models like Victoria Beckham were making mothers feel inadequate. Okay - hardly rocket science. Almost 70% felt pressure to juggle family life with a successful career, while always looking perfectly groomed.

And when it comes to looking immaculate, 81% of mothers felt pressure to look sexy for their partner. Well I have to say that doesn't bother me.

Meanwhile, 37% felt pressure to be a successful career woman. I wouldn't mind having mega bucks, I would look BETTER than Victoria Bekham: Personal Trainer, Chef, cleaner, nannies. Give me the money for an experiment- trust me I can do the pout very well.

In terms of celebrity mums, 42% of women voted Victoria Beckham the most unrealistic role model. She was followed by Angelina Jolie - 11% - and Madonna -9%.

But modern mothers said they were not only stifled by physical ideals. The report shows a wealth of fresh burdens which include green pressures. I don't think green pressures bother Asians, we have enough 'brown issues' to be dealing with...

And according to the study, modern pressures were having a detrimental affect on confidence, leaving everyday mums feeling like second rate citizens. Of those questioned, 67% believed they were seen purely as a mum as opposed to a woman.

And 32.5% thought men had looked straight through them since they had had a child. Psychologist David Moxon said: "When an ideal like yummy mummy is forced on society, particularly when it's spearheaded with unrealistic celebrity role models, it alters expectations and attitudes towards motherhood." If anything do yourself up (to the nines: tastefully please) so you do get noticed- get your useless bloke burning.

He said this was likely to leave mums feeling "disillusioned" and result in a
"dismissive" response from partners and family members when mothers did not
meet social expectations.

The saddest thing according to the study, families were almost oblivious to the pressure facing modern mothers.

87% of adults believed mums had plenty of time to concentrate on themselves. Where on earth do these so called BLOODY adults live? When does any mum have 'plenty of time' to concentrate on themselves?

69% of mothers felt their partner did not appreciate them and one in ten
felt they are most appreciated by their pet.

Well I can believe that. The fact is, that women are twice as likely than men to initiate divorce- guys wake up and smell the marigolds. Preferably you ought to wear them a few times a week to show some appreciation for the monumental jobs that the women in your lives do.

I went to see my Osteopath today. He is still looking gorgeous. Why is it women go weak at the knees and babble to blokes in white coats? The coat sets of his big blue eyes-hai hai. Unfortunately I don't need to go every weak- sorry week. The last time I went was two years ago when I broke a bone in my foot; doing a three legged race.

My husbands eyes are much sexier though...

Nursery Teachers and Pushy Parents

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 18:21:00 +0000

So what exactly do I do now? Well I'll tell you guys one thing - that four hours goes sooooo damn fast that I am left feeling cheated.

My son has settled in well and has made good friends. Namely all girls. If he was a girl and had all male friends -he would be a shameless hussy. He barely acknowledges the presence of boys.

My real bug bear at the moment with his nursery is: they don't tell me ALL the time what an intelligent, lovely, sociable and talented being my only son is.

In fact they haven't said ANYTHING nice at all about my little man. The teachers say 'hello' with unusually forced smiles and I feel obliged to smile nervously back whilst wanting to run screaming from the premises.

I just want to know if he is more intelligent than all of his peers: even the ones that are pre-schoolers in the same nursery. I mean, okay, forget that for a moment- why don't they just tell me in confidence? Don't kids in nursery get reports...shall I ask for one?

I was thinking about asking if I could have a detailed copy of the curriculum they use so I can support it a 'bit' at home...or at least have conversations with him about it. I know he does french- so my son and I frequently practice numbers and 'Bonjour'. Now -will I seem a pushy parent if I insist?

The nursery is part of a school. I have to see these people day in and day out until we leave the area-which is not imminent. I don't want to be labelled. I can just see the teachers exchanging pitying glances at my son and shaking their heads at me- and the conversations in the staff room- I don't want to think about it!

"Mad Mummy Pressurises Son to Perform (at school) Perfectly!"

Am I the only one?

Long Time No Blog: Happy New Year-2008

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 19:38:00 +0000

Hi Guys: Namely my fan base of just three people. Happy New Year. I feel like a virgin blogger again; plus I need to colour in those eyebrows, mmmh not a good look. I have just noticed that!

We all have that tiny atomic particle of exhibitionism in our rapidly aging bodies and I couldn't keep away from posting for too much longer. I have been very busy trying to promote Desi Mums to the disinterested women who think that I have gone crazy in my quest to bring Desi moms together.

I have started a radio show on Unity 101.1; which goes out on the first Monday of every month. The next one is on March 3rd from 3pm-4pm. You guys can listen on-line at: http://www.unity101.org/

I will be posting the schedule in next few days too.

The BBC have been in touch for the new series of Mastermind. They are looking for the next female champion...go to http://www.desimums.co.uk/ and check out the details.

Apart from writing and promoting the site, my son has 'almost' successfully started nursery- that is a saga in itself and my next post will enlighten you as to my terrible trauma during this period of great change.

And for the first time EVER in my history my family went away for christmas: we packed up and trundled off to chav haven - Tenerife. It was a much needed break and Arya still chats about it. I will share some pics when I feel inclined.

Anyway: Happy Belated New Year and here's to blogging that little bit more!

R. Agnihotri

http://www.desimums.co.uk/

http://www.desi-mummy.com/

http://www.indian-baby-names-at-desimums.com/

Desi Moms: Haircutting, Herculean Tantrums and Blusher

noreply@blogger.com (Riya Agnihotri) — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 16:15:00 +0000

My son and I decided to take a trip to the hairdressers today. His tresses were becoming too long and I thought it would be best if he had his mane tamed before he starts nursery in January. Apart from his Mundan (the Hindu head shaving ceremony) in April we have left his barnett well alone.

An innovative and new barbers called His & Kids has opened in our area and is fabulous. They have cuddly rabbit DVD players and car seats for the kids to sit in, while the scissors do their kamaal.

All week we have prepared Arya for the chop- as tantrums and scissors are not a match made in hairdressing heaven.

So we watched and waited. The miserable looking hairdresser (maybe she was having a rubbish morning) took a snobbish mom and her darling Gucci clad toddler and tried to put him in the car. The babe was havin' none of it! The screaming commenced. He would not sit in the toy car. he wouldn't sit. The mother began to look red, but her composure was fast waning. She tried to coax and cajole the kiddie. She dropped a peg and pleaded. She tried to bribe the mite with the promise of stars wrapped in chocolate.

He continued his fit of crying. So what did snobby ol' bag do? She grabbed her son, shouted (I would have run out of the barbers at this crucial point) and forced him to sit on her. The hairdresser was ordered to continue despite the head-waving and shaking.

So the hairdresser did as she was told -(the kids eyes could have been sliced in to; his nose cut beyond recognition and his cheeks could have needed countless stitches- but she didn't care!)

Then I heard a slap, accompanied by the hysterical shouting of a menacing mother. So did the other two mommies sitting next to me. Looks were exchanged and heads nodded in quiet disapproval. I said My little Arya was keeping a close eye on his car that he would be sitting in after the screaming toddler left.

Arya was horrified. Yes you heard right. Arya shouted: "Mummy that lady is bad and naughty. She hit him- that's really naughty. Will she be put on the naughty step? Huh?Huh? Mummmmmmy. Stop her."

Now what could I do?

I might become a hysterical banshee at home but I have NEVER slapped Arya. I mean why on earth would you want to teach an already highly-strung toddler to whack? Does it solve the problem? I doubt it. Use alternative cruelty like packing away their favourite cars or use the silent treatment. This occasionally is very effective with Arya.

I felt bad and tried to explain that some mommies do hit their toddlers - I promised that I wouldn't whack him until he became a teenager.

After that drama - my son sat excitedly in the car chair and enjoyed his first haircut. It was the car. He has a lethal obsession for them - so he barely noticed that a lady was chopping of his hair. If he had 'gone off on one' I would have left and come back a few days later with my hubby.

After that episode we travelled to Debenhams to purchase some essential items like Diorshow mascara (my eyes thank me for their amazing lash extending qualities) - where Arya -unbeknown to me began to experiment with the lipsticks and blushers. Well -what do they expect? If such items are kept within the reach of a inquisitive imp like my son then so be it.

He had neatly applied blusher and slightly skewif'ed lipstick - an artist in the making. The assistant was pleasant in a patronising way and handed me some Dior cleansing wipes - they beat Pampers sensitive any day!