Welcome to Pamelot!

Move

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 07 Feb 2015 23:43:00 +0000

I have moved my blog. Come visit me over at www.welcometopamelot.blogspot.com. That is where I will be posting from now on. This site will still be here for archives and there is a link on my new blog to this one. But if you want to stay up to date on all things Pam .... come see me over there. Thanks.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 21 Jan 2015 08:21:00 +0000

Is This Thing Still On?

Hi..
Testing... Testing ... 1 2 3
Does this thing still work?

Emotional Struggles Post Weight Loss

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 11 Sep 2012 02:30:00 +0000

So this life after losing weight can be up and down. It's so exciting to lose the weight - I won't lie. Being able to fit in clothes I never thought I could. Being able to do things I never thought I could like zip lining and running races, rollerskating with my kids - even if it does end up with me on my ass. :) But at almost 4 years from my surgery I still wonder when I will recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror. I see myself in pictures, but I don't recognize myself. I wonder if it is because I was never this size when I was growing up. I don't know.

I have long followed a pioneer in this WLS community who I admire, Michelle Vicari. She has a fantabulous blog, The World According to Eggface. She has the most wonderful recipes and has been a lifesaver for me more times than I can remember. She was on the premiere of the Ricki Lake show today and what she had to say about her own emotional journey hit me right at the core.

http://therickilakeshow.com/episodes-clips/2012/9/The-Emotional-Struggle-after-Weight-Loss

When will I see myself for who I am? Or am I still a size 26? Do I need to marry the two in order to make peace? Do I really need to leave my size 26 self behind? Is that fair? She is so much a part of who I am and has helped shape me - I don't feel like it's fair to just leave her behind. I realize that I've worked hard to get where I am and to be a size 6, but the old Pam is never gone - she has really helped to shape the Pam I have become - hasn't she?

Unbelievable ... 6?!?!?!?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 05 Aug 2012 03:28:00 +0000

So that last post was SUPER depressing. Sorry about that. I promise to be less self indulgent here ....

Well, maybe not - this is Pamelot after all. :)

Speaking of which ... I discovered something today that did brighten my spirits. Made me a bit giddy for a bit.

I officially fit into a size 6!!!

Please don't burst my bubble by preaching to me about vanity sizing and all that nonsense. I even went and tried on several things in size 6 to make sure it wasn't a fluke.

If you had told me that I would EVER fit in a size 6 after being a size 26 for so long ... Well, I mighta slapped yo' mama!

Just keep piling it on

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 05 Aug 2012 02:34:00 +0000

Sometimes I wonder just how much I can take. I seem to be going through something of late. Depression? a down swing? I'm not sure. I've always been the strong one - always been the one to take care of everyone. I'm pretty good at it. But I'm just burnt out. For reasons I won't go into here - I'm so burnt out. I feel I am at the end of myself - I have nothing left to give. And I hate it. People keep telling me to take care of myself. And it's been making me so angry. And I have finally figured out why it makes me so angry. I don't know how. I have spent so much time taking care of everyone else I don't know how to take care of myself. Telling me over and over and over again to do it - doesn't help - it just frustrates the hell out of me. What I do know how to do is work. I know how to work hard and I know how to take care of others. That's not helping and it seems to be making things worse for me, and for those closest to me. I don't even know how to let others help me.

Adding to that level of stress - my body seems to be rebelling against me. Earlier this year I had 3 broken ribs. They were broken near my back and I went through physical therapy to strengthen the muscles of my back in the thoracic region and in my neck to help support that whole region after they healed as I was diagnosed with T4 Syndrome where the nerves that go through that spot in the back tend to get pinched and it makes for fun in the arms and neck. I was told at that point - stress is contributing to this. Yeah yeah yeah - got it. Lower my stress. Can I go back to work now?

Then in June I had to have surgery with Dr. Enochs again. I was having pain whenever I ate. He believed it to be scar tissue from all of the abdominal surgeries that I have had causing the pain. Turns out that it wasn't that. I had "extra" small intestine up by my pouch where food was getting stuck. So he took out about 3 inches of intestine and re-attached it to my stomach. Oh yeah - that was fun. I took off 5 days from work and was right back at it.

A few weeks ago I took my girls to a birthday party at a roller skating rink. I know you know where this is going... Yes - I put those stupid roller skates on. Yes - I fell. Yes - on my butt. But what happened was I caused a compression fracture up in the thoracic region where I have been having problems and I now have a herniated disc at T8. The pain radiates around the ribs and around to the sternum at times. Right now the doc is hopeful that it will heal on it's own.

Those of you following the blog and my health history also know that I have had kidney cancer. I am about 2 years out from having my right kidney removed for stage 2 renal cell carcinoma. This past week I went for my 2 year check up. I am happy to say I am still cancer free. But my urologis tdid find a kidney stone in my remaining kidney. Not normally a big deal, but when you only have 1 kidney - kidney stones become a big deal. Kidney stones are quite common on my side of the family, but so are 2 kidneys. :) So my doctor wants to run some tests while the stone is still in the kidney to determine why I may be forming them. Is it hereditary? Is it a metabolic disorder? Is it a side effect of the Topamax I take? Having had gastric bypass surgery I am at a higher risk of formin them as well. I go back to see him soon to review the results of some of the tests I am going to be having as well as to see if it has grown. If it has grown or if I have more - we will be taking those suckers out. I am not to pass it by any means because I only have 1 kidney and if it were to block things I could become septic. So if in between now and when I go back to see him I feel that I am passing the stone it means emergency surgery. "You need to take care of yourself Pam - I fear you have too much stress in your life right now." Gee - where have I heard that before?

Just keep piling it on. Please? At what point will I just simply break?

One more thing off my list

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 01:01:00 +0000

There are some things I could have never imagined myself doing as my former fat self. I always wanted to do them, but I could never have brought myself to do them. I was afraid that I would embarass myself somehow. And, of course, the ever present fear that I may break whatever equipment might be used.

But I have been trying different things more and more on the list I have always kept in my head of things that I always wanted to try. I guess you could compare it to a bucket list. Things I have always wanted to do before I die?? But these are really just things I always wanted to do if I ever got skinny. :) So it's my Skinny List.

The lastest thing I got to try ... Ziplining. It was fantastic. I was able to feel like I was flying through the trees. And the best part - I was able to participate with my kids - something that before I would have had to watch from afar - now I got to do it with them - a memory we will both have for forever.

Malabsorption

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 26 Jun 2012 00:24:00 +0000

So in the last year I have finally had to deal with the nasty truth of malabsorption. What does that mean? Well, as a result of gastric bypass surgery I don't absorb everything I should. Why? Because a good portion of my intestines were re-routed. A major reason this surgery is not to be taken lightly. It is permanent and has long lasting, life-altering implications.

My migraines started coming back and they would not let go. I started seeing a neurologist to get them under control. I didn't like him much. He wouldn't listen to me. Because I now only have one kidney and because I have a small tummy I am very cautious about taking nsaids. Cautious to the point of just plain not taking them. In fact, I list them as an allergy. The neurologist that I was seeing found that quite annoying in his treatment of my pain. He really really wanted to treat me with nsaids. When I was adamant that I would not take them he pretty much washed his hands of me and said he was out of options as far as pain management was concerned. I found that hard to believe, so I found another doctor.

The doctor I did find was fantastic. He got rid of my headache and got me on a preventative course of treatment that has been working very well for me. But something that we found while trying to get to the right dose of preventative medication is that it was taking a lot more of the preventative medication then he thought it would to get me to "maintenance". It was a little scary as one of the preventative medications I take is actually an anti-seizure medication with some pretty hefty side effects. I take a heavier dose than most people with epilepsy at this point due to my malabsorption. And we also had to add other medications to the mix as well.

We have also found that pain medications that I take by mouth I usually have to take more of in order for them to be effective. The anxiety/anti-depressant medication that I take had to be doubled this past year as well.

So while I am excited to be down to under my goal weight - everything seems to come with a price tag. You have to weigh the pro's and con's for yourself. For me - the pro's of a much healthier lifestyle currently outweigh the con's of malabsorption. But it has opened my eyes to what I need to keep my eye on in order to stay healthy the rest of my life.

What's New

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 25 Jun 2012 02:14:00 +0000

So what do I update you with? I mean it's been a year - a lot has happened. I can't possibly tell you everything, right? So let's just hit the highlights.

A great higlight is that I am almost 10 pounds below the goal that my surgeon set for me at the time he did my surgery! I can't quite believe that. When he set my goal at the very beginning. I thought it was a bit comical. I never thought I would actually hit it, much less go below it. It took me over 3 years to get there, but I did it.

I am also comfortably in a size 8. I don't ever remember being in a size 8. Ever. Not in Jr. High, not in High School. Not ever. In fact, I don't remember being the weight that I am right now for any real length of time.

So again - this is a tool - not a quick fix. Three and a half years to loose 145 pounds. That sounds about right, wouldn't you say? It's a tool that I am thankful for every day, but a tool nonetheless.

More to come soon as I get y'all caught up. It's good to be back. I missed ya. :)

I'm still here!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 25 Jun 2012 01:11:00 +0000

I'm still here! I haven't disappeared! I know it's been a year. I apologize profusely. I've been busy and haven't had too much to say. I know - hard to believe, eh? :) Not for long.

I'm back my peeps!

1 Year Cancer Free

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 02:51:00 +0000

So 1 year ago we bid Elvira adieu. I guess you can say that I am now 1 year cancer free. For some reason I am much more emotional about that now than I was a year ago. I'm not sure if it was because when I was actually in the midst of dealing with all of this a year ago I was just in pure survival mode or what. I didn't really have time to be emotional about having cancer when I was faced with it a year ago. It was so surreal - all the words that were floating around. Kidney ... tumor ... bone scan ... cancer ... stages ... survival. I just needed to survive. And I did. And now ... on the other side ... I can look back ... and appreciate just what that means. I had kidney cancer. And now I don't. And it kind of freaks me out sometimes. And I am blessed.

What a difference a year can make

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 26 May 2011 00:42:00 +0000

So today is my birthday. Yes, Yes. I am celebrating the 9th anniversary of my 29th birthday. :)

Someone asked me today if I had any big plans for the day. All I could think was ... it's so nice not to have big plans for today.

Last year at this time I had just found out that doctors had found a rather large tumor on my right kidney. And better yet - quite by accident. They had not even been looking in that area - it just happened to show up on an abdominal CT scan that was done looking for something else. My birthday was spent making appointments. Appointments with the urologist, appointment at the hospital for pre-op testing, bone scans, upper endoscopy to make sure we weren't missing anything else. My birthday was spent educating myself on kidney cancer and the effects on the body of having only one kidney instead of two.

My beautiful RAMP girls took me out to dinner and I'm afraid that I wasn't the best company that night as I felt like I was kinda just floating along and not really participating.

So do I have much planned today? Nope. Isn't it great? :)

All sorts of conflicted

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 24 May 2011 23:30:00 +0000

This is hard. And, frankly, I don't like it!

I will be honest with you - I'm avoiding school like the plague. There are some people I just can't face right now. I love y'all like a fat kid loves some cake, and I just can't face the fact that I am not going to be entrusting my kids to your care on a daily basis. I know it's not like I'll never see you anymore. I also know it's not like you people won't still be praying for and caring for my children even now more than ever. Most of you haven't been my kids teachers in years (Terry and Gynell!!!! Bless your heart!!!), but as the end of the school year draws near I find myself all weepy just driving my kids to school. And my girls' teachers are being so wonderful - giving them beautiful and meaningful gifts to remember their time at Wake Christian by. The girls love it and love telling me about it, and I go in my room and boo hoo. Not to mention I sit down in church right behind the teacher that they most likely would have had next year in 3rd grade (and who has always been my son's favorite teacher) and I can't make it through the service without bawling.

And yet I am feeling sure of what I'm doing. God is showing me that I'm doing the right thing. He never promised me it would be easy - though that would have been a nice side effect. We took the girls over to their new school today to take a tour so they would feel more comfortable and have a better understanding of what to expect over there. The guidance counselor was showing us around and we ran into the current second grade class that they would be in as they were cleaning up after lunch. So she introduced the girls to them and said that they would be in their class next year in third grade. The kids started to clap for them!!!!! The girls felt like rock stars! It was so neat.

So, yeah, I'm conflicted. I hate the leaving part. I'm tired of crying over it - especially with this dang headache. And yet I'm also excited about the cool things that are also happening and how God is taking care of all the details and how the kids are excited about this new adventure. I was so worried that they would not be.

Change is in the air

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 21 May 2011 05:36:00 +0000

So my husband and I grew up going to a small private Christian school our whole lives. I even took it a step further and went to a small Christian college. And when I say small ... my graduating class was 22 kids.

Going to a Christian school is all I have ever known. It's all my husband has ever known.

And, up until now ... it's all my children have ever known.

And while I love and appreciate all that a Christian education has to offer me and my children, there are also limitations that are inherent to small private schools. Namely they they just don't have many of the resources that are available in the larger public schools. And so I have always said - even before I had children - that while I really want a Christian education for my children, if I feel that they need resources that they just can't get at a smaller school I won't hesitate to get them those resources because I don't want them to struggle.

Well, darn it all if God isn't calling me on it! We knew that it was likely that one or more of our children would struggle with learning issues. And both of our girls have really struggled since entering school in Kindergarten. Wake Christian has gone above and beyond in their attempts to make things work for them. Hear my heart - I love that school. I love those teachers. LOVE THEM! It absolutely breaks my heart to be leaving. I have to follow my heart and what I feel God is leading me to do for my children. We have spent a lot of time in prayer over this very difficult decision.

We thought that our son, Caleb was old enough to participate in the decision of whether he wanted to stay at Wake Christian - the only school he's ever known - or if he wanted to leave and go to a public school as well. He is entering middle school (Lord help me). I was completely surprised by his reaction. He asked very mature and intelligent questions about the public school and about his choices. In the end - he decided to go to the public school and we felt his decision was a wise one.

And as I sit here and think about the changes that are coming I am starting to feel ill prepared. I have NO IDEA what they are about to face - none. I mean I could go on about the differences between Christian and public schools when my daughters started to say "you mean there won't be any Bible stories there? They don't pray before lunch?" That's kind of just the tip of the iceberg people. I never went through a lunch line in a cafeteria. My kids are entering a year round schedule where they are essentially in class for 9 weeks and then "track out" for 3 weeks. One of my daughters will be getting specialized help with her education in the form of IEP. All 3 of them will be riding a bus to school. My mom was a bus driver when I was young - and I rode on her bus, but I never got on a bus and rode to school. My girls will be on a different campus from my son. I was always at a school that was a K-12 campus.

Don't get me wrong - I feel confident that I am doing the right thing for my children. I just get sudden attacks of panic when I think of all the things that I can't anticipate or help prepare my children for. And I know that experience is not a unique one. I know I'm not the only parent that worries about sending her children out into the world. :) And so I will pray over my children and entrust them to my Lord. This is a new and exciting adventure for all of us.

I have already enrolled them in their new schools and met with their principals and guidance counselors in their new schools and have been very encouraged at how eager they were to welcome us, to work with us on the transition. They were knowledgeable on the challenges that my children would face in making this transition and were anxious to work with us to face those challenges in way that seem to make a lot of sense. In the end, we are looking forward to the new school year - which actually starts July 11 because it is a year round calendar.

Vacation

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 20 May 2011 00:24:00 +0000

So a lot of you know I had a countdown going on. The countdown was for a vacation that I had coming up. My mom has worked for a company called At Home America for 20 years. She is a rock star. She wins the incentive trip every year. This past year she won enough to bring me, my sister, and our husbands with her. It was a great fun trip as it was also a chance for us to celebrate our husband's 40th birthdays. In fact, my husband turned 40 while we were gone.

Just where did we go? Moon Palace resort in Cancun, Mexico.

And did we have fun. It was our first vacation without children ... ever. And we thoroughly enjoyed just not having to be on a schedule the most.

But the funnest thing we did was that my husband decided to celebrate turning 40 by going parasailing! He had always sworn he would never go parasailing because he is scared of heights. I didn't even have to like persuade him or anything - he just decided he needed to do this to mark it off his bucket list and feel young again. It was amazing.

It was especially fun being on vacation with a ton of people you knew. Everywhere you went there were people we knew which was really fun.

I can't thank my mom enough for everything. We needed this break so much. Daren let loose like he has NEVER let loose before (please no comments mom - you did so good - you were such a good mother-in-law). And let's just say that for the most part what happens in Cancun stays in Cancun. Wink, wink!

Headaches

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 19 May 2011 23:17:00 +0000

I have grown up struggling with migraines. I got my first one in sixth grade. Good Lord I can remember it now. I digress.

They got much better after I had my hysterectomy (along with my gastric bypass - the best thing I ever did). But I occassionally get one that digs in and hangs on. When that has happened my neurologist has decided to do a course of Topamax as a preventive medication for the headaches. I did this about 4 years ago for about 6 months. It worked well - got the headaches under control - I went off the medication when the headaches got manageable and it was good for a long time. Well I have a headache that won't let go now - it's been here for over a month. I think it's stress related (more on that later), but it will not die. So back on Topamax we go.

Ramping up on Topamax SUCKS big time. Topamax is an anti-seizure medication and has some rather loverly side effects. It makes my fingers, toes, and even my nose tingle randomly. And darn it all if it does not make me STUPID. But in the past it has made my headaches go away. So I am suffering through the side effects to get to the point where the headaches go away. The thing that is different this time around is that I have had gastric bypass. So I have 2 things that are different - one I weigh less - so one would think it would take less of the drug to do the same work. BUT I also have the malabsorption issues to deal with because of the gastric bypass so it may actually take more of the drug to do the work than it did before. Bottom line - it may take some trial and error to find the right dose to do the job.

Hello? Is this thing on?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 19 May 2011 22:41:00 +0000

Excuse me while I clear some cobwebs around here ....

Tap tap tap. Is this thing on?

Just making sure ...

Cause you know ... I go through spurts. I know - I have been absent for a bit. But get ready - I'm about to go off in this piece!

Cause you know ... it's all about Pam.

Acceptance

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 01:54:00 +0000

Yeah - I know. It's been over a month since I have blogged.

So to be honest - I've been struggling. But I've said that before on here. But I think especially since my 2 year surgiversary I've been trying to find my "normal". I can eat so much more than I could before not to mention being able to eat things I just could before. I can tolerate much more sugar than I used to be able to. And so I am finding my fine line between what I CAN eat and what I SHOULD eat. I've never been very good at that - it's kind of what got me 120 pounds overweight in the first place.

And so to be honest - I put on a few pounds (and NO - I'm not going to tell you how many). Enough to wake me up let's say. I knew what got me there - but I wasn't so happy about it. So I decided to get back to basics. Protein first - putting protein shakes back into my regular diet - drinking more water - more veggies - you get the idea. And right now I'm feeling much more in control and better about where I'm headed (according to the scale - a relationship I hate but rely on). Of course, tomorrow I may feel differently. :)

I rely heavily on some veterans in this WLS community. Those who have gone before me and who are walking the walk and talking the talk. Part of that walk and talk are those who openly admit to making some questionable food choices. Because fact is - this is a TOOL - not a magic bandaid for obesity. You will get to the point where you can eat more and eat more "normally". The question is whether you should. But I believe it's also a matter of living with those occassional bad choices. How do you live with them? Do you let it become a path to more and more bad decisions? Or do you get up, brush yourself off, and get on with it? Do you beat yourself up? Do you constrict yourself so much that you NEVER get to enjoy certain things in life again? Or do you make room in your life to enjoy the occasional cupcake? (or at least a couple of bites of one ... with frosting!) I know that it can be a hard hard thing to figure out. Especially for those of you reading this who are very new to WLS - those who are "newbies" just a little bit out from surgery. It's hard to understand - I get it. And as a side note - I think that part of why I wasn't blogging was because I felt as though I shouldn't be someone that others are looking to for advice or to see how to live post WLS.

But a recent discussion about all of this got me to thinking - particularly about acceptance. Acceptance of this new life I have - that the strict rules around the surgery aren't so strict anymore - about the fact that I need to be more mindful about my relationship with food. Sometimes I just hate that about myself. I don't want to be more mindful - I don't want to think about it. But it is part of my make up part of who I am.

And I liken it to the different stages of acceptance. I know - not quite the same as the grief process, etc... but this is Pamelot and I can do what I want with it. :)

The first stage is Denial. I like to think I was here long before surgery. I don't have a problem - I'm fine - y'all have a problem and that's not my problem. I don't need help - I can do this on my own. Y'all can bite me.

The second stage is Anger or asking 'Why me?' I like to think this was me right after surgery. Those times when I was on clear lilquids - scared to death to eat anything - and yet sitting on the floor at night in the dark in front of my refrigerator ... so angry! Angry that I can't come to the refrigerator to soothe myself - angry that I got to the point where I had to have surgery in the first place - angry that I can't just eat!

The third stage is Bargaining or 'But what if I...?' I think this was me about a year ago. I had lost most of my weight and was feeling great. What if I eat this? What if I don't eat this?

The fourth stage is Depression of "I don't care anymore" and I think I've been here since about Christmas or my 2 year surgiversary. This sucks. I am so tired of thinking about it all the dang time.

And the fifth stage is Acceptance. OK - this is me - this is my life - what next? I think I'm here right now. How am I going to live now that I've lost 120 pounds and I can eat more normally than I could before? Because it's true - there's nothing that tastes as good as being thin feels. So what am I going to do about it?

“Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgement of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you're going to do about it.” ~ Kathleen Casey Thiesen

The Power of Positive Thinking

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 21:01:00 +0000

I've blogged about this before - the power of positive thinking. But this morning as I was getting ready for work I heard a segment on a new study by the Cleveland Clinic that notes that "those who are generally optimistic about their health are more likely to follow treatment recommendations. "

This study was particular about Coronary Artery Disease, but it doesn't take much to see how this could apply to any health situation - particularly those of us trying to loose weight, and those of us who have lost it and are trying to keep it off.

There is still a great deal of people who view any type of weight loss surgery with disdain. I used to be one of them. I knew people who had gastric bypass surgery and who had gained the weight back. I knew people who had awful complications as a result of the surgery. And still today there are a bunch of people who in general poo-poo those of us who "did it the easy way". That is a discussion for another time - this is so not the easy way.

What I'm trying to get at is the power of the positive thinking. If you go into this journey with pessimism - you may not get out of it what you want and/or need to get out of it. If you go in doubting your own success - why should you be successful at all? But if you go into this with a positive or optimistic attitude that you can do this - that you can succeed ... maybe you will be more successful than those that don't? Not that we should go into this pooting rainbows and butterflies - we absolutely need to go into it with eyes WIDE open - this is a serious surgery with serious ramifications to your health and long term implications. Absolutely. BUT ... it can also be the tool that helps you live a longer and healthier and happier life ... if you want it to.

It would be so easy for me to succumb to the negativity that I have experienced with the rare complications that I have encountered over the past year. To be depressed and to decide that because of these complications I should just give up.

But I can't. I have to CHOOSE to be positive. CHOOSE to take hold of what I believe is mine ... a new life without all the weight. I CHOOSE to be healthier. I CHOOSE to be a runner. I CHOOSE to be the example to my children that I want.

What do you CHOOSE?

Half the battle

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 22:58:00 +0000

Half the battle with any exercise plan is just getting out the door. Sometimes I feel it's about 90% of the battle. This is a great article on Active.com about just that thing:

http://www.active.com/running/Articles/Just_Getting_Out_the_Door.htm?cmp=17-1-240

Just Do It!

New Inspiration

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 22:55:00 +0000

Yes, many mea culpa's for not being a better blogger. As usual - I have many excuses - the chief of which is the flu that hit our house and took us all out for a few weeks. I am still dealing with a lingering sinus infection from it.

I also have a new job. I still work for Fidelity Investments, I just took a new position in a different part of the company. It's a Project Manager position in the Institutional Technology Group. I'm very excited to be focusing more on my Project Management skills and abilities and to be taking on new challenges.

And I have been struggling with the inspiration to get my running going again. To be honest - I have been almost afraid to get going again because it seems as thought every time I do something happens that trips me up again. I know in my head that the two aren't related, but they sure feel like it.

But I think I have found my new inspiration. My daughter, Megan, has informed me that she wants to run a 5K with me. There is a 5K that our school does as a fund raiser every year and she has told me that she really wants to run that race with me. I ran it last year and did the fun run with her afterwards, but this year she says she wants to do the 5K and she wants us to cross the finish line together.

And isn't this why I had the surgery? Why I lost all the weight? To change the legacy that I was leaving for my children? Wow. Kinda huge for me. And definitely the best inspiration I have had in a long time. I truly believe that just about anyone can do a 5K if they really want to. So my 2nd grader is about to do her first! We started our running training today. It's GORGEOUS here in North Carolina today. About 78 degrees and a beautiful Carolina sky. We did a run/walk combo for about 1.5 miles. We are looking forward to increasing our running endurance and mileage in the coming weeks.

Strongholds

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 13:39:00 +0000

Who knew Lane Bryant would be a stronghold in my life?

I keep getting their emails and their catalogs in the mail. I enjoy throwing them away. But this last time I got this twinge that I should really just take my name off the mailing list. It's a waste for them to send this to me. I have been a size 10 for a year now. But part of me can't quite let go. Part of me feels like I need to hold on ... just in case? Like a safety net? How silly - its just a catalog! like I can't get back on that mailing list in a snap if I need to?

I don't need to! I am a size 10 - for real! It's been a year. I am not going back. I refuse to go back!

But dang I love those clothes and that lingerie.

But I don't fit in it anymore!

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Why is this so hard?

It's all good ... kinda

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 01:02:00 +0000

So I had my 6 month check up with Dr. Jalkut. But before the actual appointment I had bloodwork and an abdominal and pelvic CT. Dr. Jalkut said (and I quote!) "You're perfect!" My bloodwork showed that Liza (the name I have given to my remaining kidney - as you all know I name everything) is functioning very well all on her own now that Elvira is gone. The CT showed NEOD - otherwise known as No Evidence Of Disease. :)

I am a very fortunate girl to have caught the tumor when we did (just .10 cm short of stage 2 renal cell carcinoma). To know that the cancer is gone and that I have essentially beaten this thing is a wonderful feeling.

The CT itself is not hard. The prep before hand is NASTY. You have to drink this stuff called Readi-Cat 2. It's Barium Sulfate suspension liquid. You get to choose between two lovely flavors - berry or mocha. In other words crap and coffee flavored crap. It used to be that you only had to drink one big jug of the stuff. But recently they have changed that and now you have to drink two big jugs of the stuff. You start 1.5 hours before the scheduled scan and you drink 1 jug in 10 minutes. Then 30 minutes later you drink the 2nd jug in 10 minutes. This is a feat in and of itself - to get the whole jug down in 10 minutes. Then at the CT they do an IV with contrast in it while you are being scanned.

While the Readi-Cat was nasty - I lived through it. But in the afternoon I started feeling nasty. It quickly turned into excruciating abdominal pain. The pain was severe and lasted about 4 hours. Once I got through the pain I practically passed out into a coma for the next 11 hours. I have talked with my doctor and I presented as though I was having an overdose reaction to the Readi-Cat. Wondering if because of the gastric bypass (smaller pouchy tummy and not as much intestines for it to go through) if two bottles of the crap was too much. I'm hoping to get some more definitive answer to that before I have to do the CT Scan again in 6 months because that was really not fun at all.

Funk Be Gone

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 23:27:00 +0000

OK - since my last post I've been doing my darndest to get out of this funk. That has meant that I have run twice since that post. Not fast and not long, but I'm running. And it doesn't hurt - it feels like it used to - it feels good. I'm trying to take it slow and get back into it at a decent pace instead of jumping in over my head and immediately trying to go too far. I do have some races in my mind, but I don't dare say out loud what they are.

And I pulled out my tape measure to compare my measurements from last year. I have lost an inch or two in several places - waist - rib cage - bust - hips - thighs. So while my weight seems to have stabilized - I have still been kind of settling into this new body of mine. I am consistently in a size 10 or medium. I would have never have dreamed I would get here.

Speaking of this new body ... I have started meeting with some plastic surgeons to start to understand what my options may be in this area. I don't plan on doing anything in the near future (I think my husband would have divorce me if I put myself back in the hospital willingly at this point). I also called the insurance company to understand if they would ever cover an abdominoplasty. They said they do cover abdominoplasty if it can be proved that it's medically necessary. I think I need to find a doctor willing to help me prove it's medically necessary. The first surgeon I went to was not at all interested in doing that. He doesn't deal with insurance unless it's reconstructive surgery. He also has his own OR in his office that he uses. I get that - I see the advantages, but with my medical history - I'm thinking that may not be the best idea I ever had. Not sure - have to think that through. Doing it in their own OR keeps costs down - but - I just don't know. Even though I know I won't go to this surgeon - dang it if he didn't get me all excited about the possibilities that a tummy tuck and some liposuction could provide. Wowie Mommy! I have more consultations coming up - so we'll see what that reveals.

Speaking of doctors and hospitals and all that jazz. I have my 6 month check up this coming week. I did bloodwork this past week and I have the full abdominal CT Scan on Tuesday before meeting with my urologist. I am nervous, but I'm fully expecting a clean report. :)

What is my problem?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 15:37:00 +0000

So I hit my 2 year surgiversary mark and it's a new year. I am gun-shy to set any goals for myself. I think it's because 2010 was such a SUCKY year for me. I set goals and was not able to meet any of them because of my health issues. It is really kind of messing with my head - so much so that I have been unable to "see the forest for the trees" as a friend of mine recently pointed out.

I'm at the point where a lot of WLS patients start to experience regain. And if anyone had an excuse for regain this year - it's me. 5 surgeries in one year. Kidney Cancer, middle ear tumor, pancreatitis, internal hernia, wisdom teeth removed. For someone who is acustomed to eating her feelings ... this past year was one huge exercise in restraint for me.

But I am feeling like I need to get back on the wagon and do what I know I need to do. Why am I so afraid to start running again? Probably because every time I have tried to get my running going again something else happens and I have to stop. Another surgery - another injury. I'm just feeling like this past year is finally catching up with me. I've been strong for a good long time and now I'm just tired.

I am in a funk. I can't get going. I haven't been blogging. I haven't been running. I'm tired and I need to wake up.

Surgiversary and such

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 15:19:00 +0000

I had my 2 year surgiversary a couple of days ago. Hard to believe it has been 2 years. I am not home right now to be able to do my measurements and such. I will have to do that when I get back home after the holidays.

I am disappointed in my 2nd year. I had high hopes for what I was going to accomplish and not a whole lot of it came to fruition because of the various health issues I faced this year. I did loose a little bit more weight - but not a whole lot - pretty negligible actually. I am 120 pounds down from where I started. I am in a size 10 and holding. I would like to lose another 10-15 pounds and I really need to get this extra skin taken care of. I need to get back to my running and get that half marathon under my belt. Whenever I have tried to get back to my running I am still experiencing some pain in my abdomen. I have also not completely said goodbye to the pancreatitis pain that I had experienced in the summer. So I need to deal with that soon. I have been firmly camped out in the Land of Denial for some time. It's so pretty here. But I'm just not ready to be dealing with doctors and such again.

I am a bit melancholy as I say goodbye to 2010. I am not sure why. I am anxious to bid adieu to this year with fervor. It was not good to me by any means. 2011 has to be better, right?