Welcome to Random Town;

Still here?

2016-06-22T23:45:00.001+01:00

Yes, I am.

2014.

2014-12-15T16:47:00.001+00:00

This post is a jumbled dialogue I’m having with myself out loud, well out in front of me anyway.

And so I turn once again to my thoughts on paper, for they are always here when my so called friends are not. Theme of the day is abandonment with a splash of self-shame and anger and a healthy (and by healthy I mean fat) dose of sadness. Usual business then.

I’ve been dealing with abandonment and self-doubt issues for a long long long time … for as long as I can remember I suppose. I’ve gone to therapy about it briefly, tried to read up about it (borderline personality disorders), spoke to a good friend about it (he feels it too!), mostly tried to forget about it .. but nothing really seems to help because it keeps coming back to bite me in the ass and just piss all over my emotions.

I’m an only child. So the fear of my parents dying and leaving me behind has always (and still does) haunted me. As a child, I moved about a fair amount, met and lost friends in the process, was replaced, had fall outs and the whole shebang. Somewhere along the way, I also seemed to have developed some trust issues (which usually keeps me safe) and .. well go figure right?

Anyway .. so I suppose I question everyone’s motives, don’t trust people easily and though I can and often do just click with people, it takes me a while to fully trust them. I’ve been working on this because I guess it kind of builds up a wall and prevents true friendship? I’ve been finding this wall breaking very very difficult though.

Nothing feels worse than being surrounded with people, people you can talk and have a laugh with, and then seeing these people all go beyond to a different level of friendship that for some reason alludes me. It’s turning me into a suspicious, paranoid, self-doubting person envious of everyone around me and feeling alone and sad. Is it me? Am I lacking something? Or am I myself sabotaging potential friendships because of some unclear wall I’m unable to break down, let people in and follow their paths myself?

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before but apparently I flirt. But (and I’ve mentioned this too), this is just how I interact with EVERYONE (male female, horses, et al.). My dad is the same. And so to tell me not to flirt, is like telling me not to talk to other people. Because I seriously just can’t talk to people otherwise. Since I don’t flirt romantically, I don’t get all the game playing that goes on – I often make myself clear that nothing will happen and am just straight forward and not into playing games with people I consider my friends.

Because I have NO FRIENDS, when I do click with people and can feel like I can trust them, I very quickly get attached and sometimes possessive (emotionally, so I won’t show it to the other person but it would get to me and my emotions). I’m also quite straight-forward e.g. I am really glad we’re friends, etc.

I met Dom at a work event recently. I had seen him around a few times before and thought he looked like a cool person and he had mad style. I’ve been working at this huge organisation for 3 months now. My department has around 20 people and my team itself has 10. From the 20, a few of us ‘youngers’ have this big group of 10 who all hang out, have lunch together, etc. There are around 150 people in the entire organisation and while we’ve had lunch in the staff common room, the garden and just around, people have noticed.

I volunteered to help out at this work event then it turns out people had to buy ticket so my group abandoned me and the guy from my group I was going to the event with left because he had a marathon to run. Since I had committed myself, I begrudgingly went on and met Dom at the entrance. Since we’d both crossed paths before, we eventually ended up talking and hung out all night. Dom was weird. Flirty but also matey. And then when we got started talking via email at work (I had some things I needed to work out with his department and my work) he was weirdly nice and friendly. I was confused and suspicious. People tend to fetishize the scarf instead of being able to read it as a signal for them to back off and that’s something I always try and be aware of … esp since I’ve been reading up and working on gender issues.

Anyway so it’s all hunky dory .. we’re talking a lot, I’m not trusting him, my friend’s telling me I’m reading too much into it, he tells me he’s married, I feel relief that he’s not after anything weird and is just weirdly nice and flirty like me, he’s still being weird and suggestive, I’m telling him to not be a cheater, we’re becoming mates while I continue to shoot down his (joke?) advances and then next week he just stops?

I had finally started to trust that he is just being him and being a friend and then I felt happy that I had a friend at work because the rest, though I am close and hang out with them all the time, it’s not to the friend level. And now he’s being weird and aloof and not replying to me or hanging out, even though we used to all the time and would talk constantly. And I’m just so upset and angry and hurt :(

If this is a game, it’s a bloody stupid one to play with a FRIEND. Or maybe he never did think I was a friend .. I don’t know what he thought, with him being married and all and TELLING ME HE’S MARRIED .. so I can’t think he’s a player. I am just so confused. But mostly annoyed .. cos I’m over all this bs game playing nonsense. This childish who messages who first crap. I just don’t get why I have to do it with a friend?

A few times that we spoke, we mentioned how he thought my group were all stuck up and rude. How we were intimidating and only interested in ourselves and thought we were above other teams. How he would see us in the garden while having lunch on his own and how he felt hurt because we didn’t invite him.

My group and department are all amazing and smart people. They are caring and passionate about their work and focused and hard working. We have a lot of publications, meetings, conferences and what not that we’re always working on. I defended us and tried to explain to him the situation.

I feel like maybe he tried to use me to get into the group. He seems to always ask after a girl whose part of the team but who doesn’t really care much for Dom. He’s asked me about her a few times but because I’m friends with her, I refuse to tell him what he wants to hear.

I realize how conspiracy theory all of this sounds. I just feel really betrayed, like he broke my trust. I find all these games exhausting. I am upset that things are rarely what they seem they are.

This has just reminded me of the few good .. heck, GREAT friends I used to have .. many of whom have just gone abroad, living out their dreams. All of this has just ended up making me feel more lonely than I felt before. It’s reminded me of what I’m missing. It showed me how desperate I am for human connection that I fell for this shit.

It’s just really sad that a lot of the times, with no signs from my side pointing otherwise (in fact I’m always pointing to the opposite), guys just talk to me for whatever it is that they want, eventually realize they won’t get it, and then move on.

Friendship is hard to come by.

How to be the perfect commodity

2013-11-23T03:09:00.002+00:00

Edit: This was about a post made on loveinshallah.com. Definitely check out the responses made, both in comments and subsequent posts, regarding it. They are more eloquent than my anger fuelled swear fest post that follows.

1. Compromise. You don't have no rights. He's good on paper? Screw liking him, just say yes!
2. Be perfect in his definition. Aka cook, clean, look beautiful and fuck like a whore, or the other extreme, where you lie still like a hole in the ground.
3. Be a sponge. Listen and soak up everything he and his family says.
4. Fulfil your purpose, roll out children faster than during a 10 minute day break in a Chinese factory full of child-labour.
5. Devote life to husband, family & children. Ensure socialising commodity-master roles to your daughters and sons.

SUCCESS.

I swear, this article would have had me rolling my eyes till they popped off if it wasn't met with similar calls of dismay from fellow readers & this swift old-time rebuttal from a regular contributor. There was this one line in the article highlighting the unfortunate reality faced by many women in traditional cultures:

An arranged marriage is where a guy gets a girl he would never have a shot with in real life.

He said it was a joke but I'm inclined to say that this is the mentality and reality for many. Real life 'superficial' choices means partnerships are made in a more or less equal basis. Arranged marriages? This scale is skewed with weight put on the guy's side of things.

I have NO problem with people's preferences. Nor do I agree with a mono-feminist view of questioning every single male preference. I want a husband I'm attracted to. I'm touted as a strong independent woman but when a guy does it, he's automatically chauvinistic? No. I'm all about EQUALITY. Not unfair priority given to women to make up for the many years of oppression. Two wrongs don't make a right.

What I DO have a problem with is the universal acceptance, indeed even the expectation, that men (perhaps unsuitable men) with have high standards and yet these standards are ridiculed if they belong to a woman. I am so fed up with this double standard (or actually, he can have standards & I'm shameless for even dreaming of ANY) bullshit, and I haven't even fully been exposed to it (much) yet.

I don't think ANY party should have unrealistic demands. Yes, this isn't PC but now that I'm in my full fat post Masters glory, I'm not going to go out looking for Prince Charming because understandably he'll be Prince Chomping (down on food). While most will agree that I'm being sensible, these same people go looking for the tallest, fairest, prettiest daughters for their Shrek-like sons. Why is that acceptable?!

If a good looking girl decides to go looking only for a good looking guy (which okay is kind of stupid to be so one-dimensional but whatever her prerogative), why is she labelled to be superficial and fussy, when a good looking guy doesn't even have to voice a similar demand?

Why are we limiting our daughters, socialising compromise and normalising this sub-to-men inequality? We need to promote equality and self-love for both our genders, teaching them to respect and treat each other as equals. Not teaching our girls that the logical step is to drop all personal choice for the first doctor (bald or not, but thats another story for another day!) that comes their way.

Dear guys who cite the Prophet's amazing wives (may Allah be pleased with them) as ideal role models for us, before you expect us to be the same, examine WHO they had as their husband. If potential-husbands-with-huge-ass-requirement-lists had even a quarter of the qualities of the Prophet as a husband, wives would be more than happy to try and be like their ideals.

I am so ready to impart my bitchy-self-lovin to my future daughters. Who I'll probably adopt and raise on me own, if my own mother's eye-rolling over my recent how-can-I-marry-a-Bengali-if-I'm-not-attracted-to-them rant is any indication of my future prospects.

//le sigh.

PS - I'm not back-back. I still have a paper to write (not for university, but kind of & also maybe for publication) and jobs to do before I'm off to Sri Lanka.

PPS - Taiwan was AMAZE. The people I went with, complete opposites - asscunts. No seriously, I know I kind of swear a lot and hate many people, but I don't think I ever experienced such levels of anger / hurt / astonishment with no ounce of my usual 'I know I'm hatin cos I'm an irrational bitchy irritant cow' self-knowledge.

Introspective

2013-09-09T19:19:00.000+01:00

You can see some of my photographs here -> linky.

Here's one:

TAIWAN!!!

2013-09-09T17:37:00.001+01:00

The Up-Side of the Down-Side!

2013-09-07T06:31:00.003+01:00

So I'm here to clarify about a recent experience I had with a lying boy. I've of course shared the story with my girls (and a few boys haha) and one of them asked me a very good question: Why are you so angry? You wouldn't want to be with this kind of person anyway!

Is that why people thought I was so angry?! Because thats totally not the case! I'm firstly angry about my wasted time (numero uno always eh?).

I'm not going to link to the posts (you can search for em if you're inclined) but in my entire life, I've always been wary of guys / relationships and only really fell for this one guy, my 'ex'. Despite liking him more than I ever liked anyone before, I decided to 'end' things because one of the things which REALLY got to me were his game-playing ways. Back when I was younger (and a haraami haha), I used to play a lot of guys at their own game (I was proud of it in fact!) and so I knew the moves and what not. But when I took a gap year and worked full time, I was exposed to many adults and situations and thankfully I finally grew up. At the ripe age of 20, I was pretty much done with all the high school BS and so when this 24 year old dude, who initially seemed straight-talking and real (speaking to me about marriage and what not), though I freaked out, I later accepted that its time to grow up and think about the future. And then he did a complete 360 and started playing really petty games and then things just down downhill.

And though I only wasted a week with the tall freak (and learned some rhyming on the way too!), just the parallels with my 'ex' and the whole gaming scene just really annoyed me. Like imagine I hadn't found out, just what would have been the point / plan of this entire scheme? I would either find out later (major loss of time) or probably he would play me into a marriage and then I'd find out when I find him jamming with his mistress! While that is something both fear and rage inducing, lets look at the gaming side of things.

I'm really really REALLY bad at getting back to people. Like monumentally bad. Like I swear if you asked people to describe me they would say I'm funny, and then they'd say I'm shit at keeping in touch. Its horrible. But anyhow, this whole marriage thing is kind of time-sensitive. I'm not really in the business of juggling lots of guys (but I'm seriously considering this .. okay maybe not lets, but like 3 at a time?!) so I like to get through them ASAP so I can close a chapter and move on if we aren't compatible. Some people really turn it into some dating chasing hot-cold BS game and seriously .. marriage ain't no time to be acting like some game-playing-boy. And if someone who is known for being absolutely the worst at keeping in touch and getting back to people, if even they can get their act together ... well, c'mon now!

And secondly, I'm just really angry at the deceit. Like I honestly don't understand what he was playing at .. like what did he think was going to happen? Either he'd string me along for a long time, or actually marry me and then secretly have an affair. What.the.hell? Or another option is that he'd dump his girl and get with me instead. I am not happy with any of these options. Firstly, what an arse (I actually feel for his girl) that he's even thinking of speaking to someone while he's already committed to someone else. I mean, I REALLY wouldn't want such a lying scum to be my life partner. I mean, he deletes my innocent message so clearly he's worried about his girlfriend finding out (but if its just a hello, I mean who cares?!). I also wouldn't want such a fickle guy who would drop me at the drop of a hat at the next best thing?

And finally, my ego is bruised okay. I don't like being very open and all emotive and shit but I've been told people don't like cold stony edjiats so I decided to forget my inner gut and listen to people yet again (when will I learn?!) and was nice and friendly. And now I feel like the whole time he was smiling, he must have thought I was a gullible food he'd nicely play and have fun with. Ughhh. I mean, I suppose I'm always going to be all chatty (its just how I am), but I must learn to be a bit stuck-uppy/aloof because guys are just little boys who'll use that to start playing games and feeling oh-so-powerful.

I guess if everyone's playing games, I'll have to because the Queen-Playah I retired from years ago! Le-sigh.

See, The Accountant would never do this because he is such a nice MAN.

Anyway, I've ranted out the anger and made fellow prospective-victims aware of the danger so I'm going to take some valuable lessons from this and again thank Allah that He showed me the truth before it was too late, Alhamdullilah.

Dear Accountant,

2013-09-06T02:04:00.005+01:00

I LOVE YOU. Just marry me already darn it!

Little Lying Boys.

2013-09-06T02:04:00.001+01:00

I hate guys who are stuck at being boys and refuse to be men. I hate boys who waste your time playing games instead of being straight talking like real men. I hate little lying boys who make you go in circles while trying to lead a double life.

Tall potential adds me on my halal FB (yes I have a haram one as well). I accept. Leave him a nice simple message (hello). Not only does he NOT reply (he's mates with my family with I can see they've been chatting plenty during the time), when I go to check his wall, he's DELETED my message. What the fudge right? Then I get a notification about him commenting on a photo of my family I commented on (he was in it too). When clicking through, it accidentally takes me to all his tagged photographs and theres loads of him with his recent girlfriend (they are still going strong).

I mean .. really? Do you think I'm that much of an arsehead that you lie to me so blatantly and don't even try to cover it up?

Tbh, I'm surprised I didn't go snooping around with my paranoia trust issues as I normally do. Just goes to show, that you really shouldn't trust anyone till they've proven you wrong about not being able to trust them. What a tit.

Hoewkward.

2013-09-04T02:52:00.003+01:00

When you're at an Asian wedding and 3 of your prospectives and one ex prospect are all sitting on the same table, having the time of their lives with each other, while you're sitting on the next table - praying that none of them come over to speak to you & frequently visiting the loo for long periods of time to ensure this - because this whole thing is so damn hoewkward. Also, some of them are quite chummy chummy with each other. Even more hoewkward. I think its time to cut my ties, even though I'm quite inclined to two of them, one for his height (a Bengali taller than 6 feet! I mean .. thats one in a million right?!?), and another for how nice he is (I think we all know who).

Ugh. Why do all Asians know each other?!

Wowzer

2013-09-04T02:49:00.001+01:00

So I cried to Allah swt last night, woke up this morning and received an email I wasn't likely to receive till next week, telling me they accepted my medical certificates and approved my extension. Alhamdullilah x infinity.

Queue feelings of extreme gratefulness and guilt. I can't count the number of times He has visibly had my back, I mean ALWAYS Alhamdullilah and I feel so guilty because its not fair and I really don't deserve it :( My life would literally be NOTHING without Him, and yet why do I fail in trying to do everything and anything for Him when I literally owe him every breath?

:(

InshAllah one day I can climb even one step of the infinite steps of giving back and feel a bit more deserving of His countless blessings on me :( inshAllah one day I can be the human being I can truly have reason to be happy of being. Ameen!

Shitting It

2013-09-03T06:41:00.001+01:00

The anxiety and panic are back in full force. Except this is worse than anything I've ever had. Because this is it ... my entire Masters degree classification rides on my Dissertation .. and I'm shitting it. I'm not confident at all, hate my supervisor's lack of supervision, hate my uni's lack of administration, hate this topic, hate this timeline, hate my attention-deficit/procrastination, hate my anxiety/panic disorder, but most importantly I hate myself for being so damn stupid and lax. Ugh.

In serious need of serious duas. Pleasepleaseplease. I know I don't deserve it, but a hadith in Sahih Muslim (and Bukhari I think, can't remember the exact number sorry!) notes that our Prophet SAW said that:

The Dua of a person for his Muslim brother in his absence will be answered. At his head there is an angel, and every time he prays for him for something good, the angel who has been appointed to be with him, says, 'Ameen, may you have likewise'

So c'mon people, spread the joy :D

Stoned

2013-08-13T01:45:00.001+01:00

So maybe I am a selfish stone-hearted prat. But at least I'm not alone :D I think many Onlies face this -> read.

Besides, I think its okay to be different from what society expects you to be (nurturing caring, etc) .. and its important to be selfish and think about ourselves before anyone else. Well thats just the way I'm gonna be and if people expect me to be all cuddly and lovey-dovey, they've come to the wrong person.

Speaking of Awkward ..

2013-08-11T21:23:00.002+01:00

Read the post below (somewhere) if you feel a bit confused. Remember the in-your-face thing? Well, more (predicted) rantage on that here:

My room, as I said, is my sacred sanctuary. In fact, there is a 'joke' whenever I leave my room where my family are all oh you've left, wow we got to see her, etc. because I'm always cooped up in here (I LOVE IT). Well anyhow, as much as I love my room, my desk is incredibly small and unusable (but it fits in perfectly with my room's decor and thats whats important) and so whenever I work at home, I always sit on the dining table on the ground floor (my room's on the third floor). SO obviously as I predicted, this wouldn't be possible in light of the recent in-your-faceness. And so I decided to stay in my room, my door firmly shut, and try and work on this useless desk. Well not real real work, but work for my work / site management, etc. By real work I mean dissertation work, obviously.

Anyhow so I was doing that and going about my business, when my aunt decides she wants to stare at my face again. This is another in-your-faceness thing with frAsians (fresh Asians) btw. They have this staring thing to LOVE to do and aren't afraid to show it. In fact, they do it blatantly as if its the most normal thing in the world. My aunt's always like let me look at your beautiful face & then literally just stares at it. All this kind of creeps me out. We've already established that I can't deal with direct compliments, but this is awkward and uncomfortable to a whole different level. It also pisses me off when they behave and make it out as if I'm the most beautiful thing they've EVER seen (no exaggeration, this is how they behave) and yet they've sent me a string of the most butters old-looking boys anyone has EVER seen. Okay I'm being harsh but I'm shallow so sue me -_____-

ANYWAY. So my doors firmly locked, I'm sitting at my desk and I've thrown my clothes all over the bed. All in an attempt to get some peace and do some work. Aunt meekly knocks on the door and I meekly reply with a 'yes'. Not a 'come in', but a 'YES?', do note. Then so pops her head in and says "oh are you working?" which is obviously a rhetorical question because thats pretty obvious. I decide to answer anyway in the hopes that she'd get the hint, but the only thing to does is to proceed to come behind me and then lie on the bed (which I thought I could prevent with my disgusting clothes lying about but obviously not) and she's still here. She's quite overweight (one of the other things that got me freaked out and kick-started my diabetes-regime) despite doctors telling her sternly to lose weight after her many operations and now she's so gone over, she has difficulty breathing even when lying down and I swear its the most scariest (and kind of annoying when you're trying to work) sounds ever.

This is the most awkward time ever. I'm just sitting here typing away while she's lying behind me breathing away. And I know the nice thing to do would be to turn around except I've spoken to her for extended periods of time the last few days, there isn't really much to chat up so it would be repeated conversation, and I'm working? I know how my sentimental melodramatic family works so I know she's feeling offended but I really don't give a shit. I know my family so if I started giving a shit, I'd be in the dumps FOREVER.

And now I'm annoyed because not only has my private space been contaminated, I've also come to realise that I won't be able to come home and have solitary time for the next month :'( I really don't like going to the library, its just too intense and I love working at home .. but this is no longer an option :(

She's STILL here. Calling people on her phone, bitching and saying "oh yeah MJ is working hard, doesn't have time for us" (yes really) and then handing me the phone and forcing me to speak to my never-ending-story-spinning melodramatic family. FFS. My family stretch a 2 minute conversation to a 15 minute one with ease, ALL THE TIME. I'm not even exaggerating. And everyone is so LOUD. My uncle is a bit of a bitch and complains all the time. And its just all too much. Given my recent issues to mental stability and calm.

Imagine the time she's been here, just breathing away. FEEL THE AWKWARDNESS. I'm a slow writer when I'm being distracted by an awkward blob of loud breathing. So this post took me that long to write. JUST IMAGINE. I can't even get up to pray because she's just waiting for me to turn around before she can pounce on me. I hate being so loved / wanted.

Yes I'm being a bitch. But this is allowed.

Steady now ..

2013-08-11T19:48:00.000+01:00

Last post was a bit silly and short (even by my 6-liner standards). So this is a random post about whats happened / happening / about to happen / whatever RANDOM.

Okay so Ramadan is over firstly. I got incredibly upset over this :( despite cutting off social activity, I ended up being sucked into my photographic activity (I stupidly thought this wouldn't be social but it totally is). And so I couldn't attain spiritual purity or make a productive use of Ramadan and its blessings :( I totally blame myself, and a bit my family too. Usually we all come together and feel the spirituality but this year due to the timing, etc. my parents wouldn't really wake up for suhoor (we brought them food), it was a bit frenzied, before iftar they'd watch their stupid Indian serials, rush to make iftar, we'd eat and then everyone would groan around, they'd watch even more TV, pray and then sleep. Cycle repeated.

I really really REALLY hate Indian drama. InshAllah if I ever have a family / children, I'm going to block this shit and when old aunties come over they need to deal without their bullshit shows which all follow the same story line. Ugh, I could sit here and bitch about them forever but I think if you know anything about anything, you know how horrible these shows are. At least before it was just BS stereotypes and sexist gender-roling. Now on top of that, you have disgusting immodest behaviour. They show stupid shit like husbands sleeping with maids, uncle's marrying their nephew's ex girlfriends, the classic my-sister-loves-my-man-so-I'll-force-them-to-marry-and-sacrifice-self BS, etc, etc, etc. Ughhh. People shouldn't waste their time seeing this shit normally, let alone in Ramadan.

Anyhow. So unfortunately I flopped this Ramadan :( also came on my period on the last 10 days so super bummer. But inshAllah I hope I can start cleansing myself from NOW and then be ready for next Ramadan if I'm blessed to see one. I'm also gonna start up with small but consistent things like reading 5 ayats during Fajr / at Esha inshAllah :)

In other news, EID MUBARAK! This Eid was packed full of food and family. Mum's eldest brother & his family (who I can't usually stand) were over but I'd seen and hung out with them quite a few times during Ramadan so I got over my past-hate a bit. My dad's middle-sister came from Bangladesh on holiday and happened to come on Eid too so that was nice. On top of that, a family member (my third cousins son LOL but our family tree is messed up / ever ending so despite official relations, everyone on that branch are close together) is getting married to another family member (not on his side, but from my other side cousin's daughter in whichever tree branch) and so lots of family are coming over from all over the UK, America, Canada, Australia, Switzerland & Bangladesh :D house full!

Which brings me to my next point. I don't know if you know, but Asian families, extending beyond possibility into infinity, are kind of full on. Not my Western family as such because I suppose we're used to living in a certain way. But when my family come from Bangladesh, they get all up in your face, all touchy-feely-huggy-huggy-depleting-your-air-in-your-face. I know they do it out of love or whatever but shit man, do you really need to love so hard? LOL. Okay, maybe its an only child thing, maybe its just a mean crazy person thing. I don't know. But I'm REALLY impatient and kind of selfish about my things / space and need to be alone. I love socialising but I also need to be able to get away from it all, instead of having to do it ALL.THE.TIME. My room is that place, its kind of sacred and I rarely let people in / let alone letting them jam for extended periods of time. This is happening now. My tolerance threshold is normally a week but coupled with the in-your-faceness-affection, I've already reached this point 2 days later. I mean okay I feel a bit mean and bad, but seriously, this is how I am so I'm not going to apologise for being me. I think I have a plan for saving myself though ...

Next point - work / dissertation. WAIT! Before that, I must mention that I got my Masters results! Verdict is ... PASS :D these came out during Ramadan and I was so scared! I got quite sick and had BAD panic attacks right before the exams, was heavily drugged up, trying to study and learn more than I ever did my whole life, forgot things and didn't even complete my last answers. So I had reason to be scared. But ALHAMDULLILAH, and I'm not even trying to be humble, it was 100% all due to Allah and His Mercy on me for this miracle where I not only passed, but passed with really good marks in all my modules :D

So now the only thing left is my dissertation. Which I haven't even started but is due in a month. Ughhh. Well, I've done essays in 2 days so I'm hoping a month will be okay. Except I have weddings and families so I'm freaking out a bit. Plus, my university has a stupid rule about not seeing supervisor after a month after exams so no one will be seeing my drafts. And because everyone is freaking out, I'm scared I'm not freaking out enough and what if I mess up? :O Anyway, I'll get to work on that ASAP inshAllah. And think I'll go to the library because no way will I be able to do it at home. Pray for me! Need a miracle again!

In terms of work, our server messed up and site was down for ages. This has happened too many times so I had to sit and research and look into a few other systems and that took a while to do. Finally settled on a system and had to build the site back up from scratch - that was a long, frustrating task. I'm a perfectionist. And I still have two sections left to fill! Ughhhh. These sections have loads of sub-sections, each a page long. And after I'm done, I have to relaunch everything, do some more social-media-management & then look into press-release-firms, write up our press release and then submit that to coincide with the launch.

So as you can see, I'm swamped! Also, I'm already pre-diabetic and when running around trying to work (I get ADD's hyper-focus when working with sites), I didn't sleep for over 2 days and then felt severely messed up. Thought I was going into a diabetic-coma haha. Anyway so freaked out about having diabetes (not my usual hypochondria, but a sensible assessment of my symptoms) and think maybe I still have it (might check using my uncle's blood-glucose tester) so had to sort out my life and start on the diabetic-diet & exercise regime. Which is tiring too.

Ah speaking of diabetes, I don't normally have a sweet tooth (I never had) but now all I can think about are sweets. Like my birthday cake. In fact, I think I'm going to wrap this up and go get some. Its a fresh-cream cake so it won't last long! And yes, I had my birthday recently. Normally when its August, I start counting down the days. But this time, it creeped up on me when people were like hey its your birthday and I was like oh shit you're right! I'm getting old man. This is my last year of ripe-Asian-age. All downhill from here ... so I've decided I'm going to be this age for the upcoming years & tell people this is how old I am!

So whats the significance of ripe-Asian-age? Apparently after this year I'll be slowing expiring till no one will want to marry me at the ancient age of 28. I mean thats REALLY pushing it. At 29 onwards, there is practically no chance of it happening. And at 30? Game over. Ughhhh. You can imagine how everyone around me is trying to rush me into an angry tic. I've decided not to even THINK about getting married for a year. I got rushed into it earlier by everyone around me and it totally messed me up. How the hell am I supposed to think about marriage when I have no experience whatsoever and have the brain of a prepub-boy?! I'm totally not ready and I need to live my life man. Also need people to shut up about foreign boys (Canada) because I'm not leaving London. I don't care if people make me feel like I'm being a demanding twit. Me having girl-parts does not diminish my value and I deserve to be demanding! Pfft. If people force me to meet idiots (which WILL inevitably happen), I will be my most un-charming bitchy self. GAME ON.

Also, one of my best friends who I love and whose entire family loves me because I charmed the shit out of their dhotis .. yeah anyhow so she has a hot brother. I mentioned this to her a few times cos I'm prat and enjoy uncomfortable situations. Her dad loves me and asked me if I would marry the son. LOL YES GET IN (he's half Japanese!!!). But .. my mum is a snob and this guy is undereducated. LE SIGH. So there goes my plans of marrying a Muslim Japanese/Korea/Latino unless they come with PhDs (or Masters at least). At this rate, I'm going to be doing books. Yes, what you think that means, probably.

And to end it, I'm going to Taiwan on the 10th of September!!! For a wedding and one I'm super excited about .. but this also means I don't have a lot of time to do my dissertation. So for now, time dedicated to dissertation / work / diabetes-control & wedding planning! Since I'm more active on Flickr now, I met some AMAZING photogs and one lives in Taiwan so we've planned some photo-sessions and so I also need to up my photo skills!

And thats it. Congrats if you've read all of that :D and sorry I've been MIA! I've skimmed through some recent posts but I really don't want to leave a half-thought comment so I promise I will come back to you guys soon inshAllah! Till then keep living, keep writing & keep praying!

Muchos lurve!

xoxo

PS - thank you to the lovely people who've sent me mail :D

PPS - HAPPY AUGUST! The best month EVAAAR! Enjoy the last month before end of 'summer' :) x

PPPS - I suspect I'll be coming back occasionally to rant. Asian family + Asian weddings + girls who are melodramatic prats = rantage.

CIAO

AUGUST!

2013-08-11T19:03:00.003+01:00

1. Its August!
2. Which means July is over!
3. Which means Ramadan is over too :(
4. Which means EID MUBARAK!
5. And also, I'm OLDer!

The Perfect Ramadan

2013-07-11T21:47:00.002+01:00

A brilliant podcast on making efficient use of Ramadan to increase the love for Allah through spiritual I'tikaf. Listen to it here.

Alhamdullilah I've been listening to some great lecture podcasts from Sacred Learning & Bayyinah Institute helping me get closer to achieving a perfect Ramadan. Hopefully it will increase :)

New Google Reader

2013-07-11T01:41:00.000+01:00

I previously posted about its mobile app versions because, but Feedly is a pretty amazing and close alternative for Google Reader. Find the online version here.

The List

2013-07-11T01:39:00.003+01:00

I do this thing where I start craving ALL sorts of things during Ramadan. I'm making a list so that I can chicken-out (because pig is haraaaaaaam) on it afterwards.

1. Dosa (which I am FOREVER craving).
2. REAL Falooda from Southall. Because I had some from when I was forced to go to Tooting and it was crap and fake. Tasted NOTHING like a real Falooda should.
3. Chole Bature. Because I was watching Vicky Donor and the guy kept eating plates of it off the street :(

^I will add to it as I go.

On things ..

2013-07-11T01:33:00.002+01:00

Where was I?

Well last time we spoke, I was going through severe ups and downs. Like mentally severe. I think I have PMDD (along with so many other unconfirmed things .. the only confirmed thing I have is hypochondria!) .. so I'm hoping the crazy ups & downs are only linked with that and not anything else.

I feel like I need/want therapy. Except I'm kind of a private person (LOL!!!) .. or I don't know .. like, the last time I tried it, I wasn't really comfortable. Plus .. I don't know what I want to achieve (confirmation that I have issues and don't just THINK I have issues?) so I don't know if I should do it (because what are my reasons really? And if it won't help .. whats the point?). Plus, its crazy expensive. I need to find a trainee student who needs real-life practice & is willing to do it for free. I don't care about them not being confidential or whatever lol, because I'm not really ashamed of my crazy.

I think everyone needs more learning of mental disorders. More common in today's society unfortunately.

Hmmmm. Anyhoo. So I met with my supervisor and kind of rambled about my outline and dissertation plan. Because I haven't done ANYTHING. C'mon yaar .. its Ramadan! Anyhoo so she was all like your outline makes no sense (I thought it totally did) so I'm kind of slightly in panic mode? Except .. well .. I thought it made pretty much a lot of sense. Anyway, I've got a bunch of reading I need to go through and hopefully once I've read and made notes and written up those chapters, it will make more sense? I also hope I can use this professor (who is awesome but also lazy .. like ME haha) to look through my drafts when I'm done because I am a bit worried about the end product. I think I'm going to stop being so lazy and start reading the theories at least, because they'll shape the kind of data I'd want to collect. This frustration is also totally making me re-think my PhD plan. Cos a PhD is 100(000words) times worse than a Masters dissertation.

Also, RAMADAN man. Its my third 18 and half hour fast today, after 1st Ramadan (because I thought my results were coming out so I fasted on the 8th and then when they didn't I thought let me fast on the 9th too .. cos why not?!). Its not been bad or hard Alhamdullilah. But not very charged spiritually (I've just been lazing around like a fat cat). I've listened to a few lectures (did you know, according to a sahih and sound hadith from Tirmidhi, reciting Surah Ikhlaas 200 times a day will get 50 years of sins forgiven inshAllah .. though of course I'm assuming one needs to truly understand the depth of this powerful Surah considered a third of the Quran!) and felt connected in the moment but not the whole day. I've charged and uploaded them onto my iPod though so hopefully more listening while dozing on a chair!

My face is a mess. I've increased the strength of my Retin-A cream so I'm purging (and I know it will totally be worth it) but at the moment its so yuck :/ I mean wth, I shouldn't even be caring about such stupid dunya things right now right? Except no matter how much I try to retreat, I'm finding it hard to be in that retreated state constantly :(

There is this girl. We have a very tricky relationship. Or I have a very tricky and emotionally intense relationship with her. Its not healthy, but I don't know how to get to a healthy stage. Darn, I sound like a lesbian in a complicated relationship. This girl I was bitching to about guys was all like yeah dudes are dicks, you know what you need! And I was like hahaha, I'm a non-sexual lesbian with a few people and trust me, despite genders, human relations are just ... work.

I really miss horses & horse-riding :( I love horses. In fact, they are the only animals I'm not wary of. Like, I don't like any other living creature & could only have horses (certain breeds at least) as constant companions. And hopefully some humans. In the future. Hopefully. Seriously though, horses are AMAZING and intelligent creatures. Just too awesome.

My first fast was pretty last minute so I had a mango and a toast with one sausage for suhoor and that fast went so easily Alhamdullilah. The next day, I had a heavy iftaar (I didn't want to but man, my eyes are greedy) and also accidentally a heavy-ish suhoor and the fast the next day was just not as easy. Like I woke up feeling kinda sick and hungry. Today's fast and iftaar was okay (though I still ate wayyy too much) .. but I'm hoping to kind of keep it down for tonight inshAllah. I don't know, it doesn't really make sense but when I eat little for suhoor and iftar, my fast goes easier?

Kudos to the people working during this fast. The last few years, Ramadan fell during holidays and I haven't had to leave the house. Except I went out once and zomg it has hard. So MashAllah to all ya'll.

Anyway, I really hope inshAllah, I'll stop being a laze and do work, both academic and spiritual, and get a productive Ramadan. InshAllah hope the same for all of you :)

Oh, the other day I realised that despite being 24 (yes, really :'O) I'm just a child. Maybe its because I'm an only, I don't know .. but it sure is the truth. Like, I don't know nothing about life man. How am I suppose to make a decision about MARRIAGE when I haven't even really been in a relationship? Its cray-cray. Like totally cray-cray. I told my mum this but because I was crying like an idiot (PMDD people), she thought I was like sad about leaving her or something (yes that too) .. but I had this conversation with her again so hopefully she understands I'm being sane about it. She tells me to speak to people again and I told her to go away. Because really, what would be the point of speaking to people when I don't even know shiz. I mean I feel like I'll be a CHILD all my life .. but ya'know, realistically I'm JUST really not ready for this crap. I think because I'm 24 (eek) and everyone expects this from me, and my friends are all on the same boat, I kind of forgot about me and went with the flow and got all crazy. But from a logical point of view, its really not for me at the moment. So I am taking a break inshAllah :) and also hanging out with my cool dude-brained-girl-friends who won't make me feel like I'm a bit weird for not wanting this really.

Ah also, I am .. paranoid. Insightful. Whatever. Like, from a young age, I just get gut feelings about people and situations & I go with them. Because I've almost ALWAYS been right. And so there are situations where I know what I should be doing as a concerned friend or whatever, but I end up not doing it and being selfish (even though I don't think I want to) because I just have this gut feeling and I really don't like going against myself. Except .. even if you feel like you are right & don't want to get played .. is it really that bad to be played? Like, if a person is doing something for attention, should you just forget about the games and give them that attention anyway, as a friend? If this is something they need? Regardless of how they are getting it? I mean, I almost feel bad that they have to go through it like that to get it (I mean I should have been giving it to them from the beginning right?). And I feel worse about having these gut feelings (but I totally believe in my gut). I don't know what to do, help?

I'm sorry I'm selfish, on purpose & intentionally. I don't know, its just how I am. But I'm sorry I can't be emotionally available for you.

I really don't know how I have friends. I am super crap (time / attention wise).

Nerd Trivia / Pride

2013-07-02T16:05:00.003+01:00

Did you know?

The alien language in Prometheus was written by a Professor at SOAS (my uni) and apparently he and some other SOAS faculty members were part of the film :)

Did you know?

I haven't watched Prometheus. But I'm still insanely proud of that :D HE WROTE ANOTHER LANGUAGE!

Did you know?

I'm a bit upset that LOTRs and/or Avatar people didn't approach SOAS for its linguistic expertise also. I suppose Tolkien already had it covered but what excuse does Cameron have? Pfft.

Clone (aka the accidental emo post)

2013-07-01T01:39:00.001+01:00

I've ALWAYS wanted to clone myself. Always always always. I still do. It would be amazing!

I suppose it started with me being an only child and always wanting friends. I even had an amazing 'imaginary' (she was real to me) friend I'd take everywhere and speak to all the time. I don't remember her much except that once when we came to London on holiday (we didn't live here back then, maybe America or Bangladesh!), she came with me (obviously) and we were having a bath in my uncle's big tub and there were these star shaped bath bubble things, one red and one purple and I remember putting one in while holding it (because them suddenly disappearing and turning into bubbles was fascinating) to see what would happen, before conducting a similar experiment by putting one in my mouth LOL. It was not as nice and tasty as it looked, suffice to say :D anyway I also remember taking her shopping with me and playing with her all the time at home (alone). I'd play this game (with her and my other friends AKA toys) called Birthday Birthday (I think its an Asian thing to repeat the same word twice and make it a game .. like Doctor Doctor or Teacher Teacher, etc.) where I'd light a candle and pretend its my birthday and blow it out after making a wish LOL. Man that makes me sound so lame, but I had a lot of fun you know. I suppose as an only, I didn't know any better so didn't really feel like I was missing out. Anyway, my IF, called Meena (I think she was inspired by those UNICEF cartoons where she had a brother called Raju and a parrot called Mithu), was always there every step of the way & I'd always speak to her in Hindi haha. My uncles (who, along with the rest of my family, totally eavesdropped on our conversations) still tease me about her to this day ... apparently a famous dialogue amongst us was: "Meena tu kaha hai reh Meena" ahahaha :')

When I got a bit older and couldn't speak to Meena anymore, thats when I really started missing out on having a partner in crime & wanted a clone / twin or a little brother. I kind of grew up like a boy (idk why, but I'm still a guy now) so I never enjoyed the girls, who totally keyed in to my lack of interest & general boyishness and would bitch out at me about it to next intense levels, and the guys would sometimes be at a weird stage of ewww a girl, or girls are stupid, or (and this one was the worst) think I was less and would try to beat me in whatever game / not really think I was worthy to join, etc. So yeah, totally had to chill with the oldies and it wasn't really fun & so I had plenty of time imagining a clone of myself, popping up and saving the day.

As other Onlys would attest to, we're incredibly extroverted AND introverted (according to the situation at hand, though I suppose despite being both, we'd have preferences / natually lean in a certain way) and I love people so as I got opportunities to branch outside of my family, I made lots of different friends. But I think (and maybe this is just me), there's always this yearning for something deeper. No matter how good of friends I was with people, even the best of friends, I'd always feel this lack. I guess I'd put a lot of effort into certain people as a way to subconsciously have that sibling relationship I'll never get to experience (sad) but obviously thats a void that can never be filled. And its something that gets me quite upset.

Maybe I'm just a bit insecure (a bit HAH) and needy, and because I've never had that sibling connection (but spent my whole life trying to artificially create it), I do end up having random moments of feeling lonely and a bit depressed (a bit HAH) and weepy. And unappreciated. I always feel like they aren't giving me the level of care I expect (and dish out) .. but now I'm starting to think maybe I'm expecting the wrong things (this whole subconscious sibling connection is a recent self-discovery/examination) from the wrong people. Maybe this is how all friendships are and I'm just expecting too much?

All I know is that I'm feeling unloved by people I am drawn to (my surrogate siblings) and it really really sucks. I don't know why I would automatically make myself so vulnerable to this one person / feel such a pull to her but I do and while its mostly great and reciprocal, sometimes she just doesn't get to the same level as me and that really hurts :(

I mean what the hell, I was even going to marry her brother just so we could be real sisters LOL. I have issues. But like I said, maybe I'm expecting too much. Problem is, I don't know how not to. And it sucks even more that I have these abandonment / friend thief issues (I've had this issue a few times in the past. Yes its as petty and stupid as it sounds but its really happened. And I know I'm not just freaking out even it in my head because random outsiders who didn't even know about the situation noticed it too) and can't help feeling like I'm losing to said friend (surrogate sibling) thief because it feels like she manages to get more attention / care, etc.

Basically, I KNOW my friend cares for me, like a lot. It just sometimes doesn't feel like that. And I know thats so stupid and needy but thats how I'm feeling right now (and have done a few times in the past and probably will do in the future). And I think this new (well its been going on for a few years) thievery situation is putting me even more on edge. Plus, period. Gah, womb.

Google Friend Connect is NOT leaving us.

2013-06-29T14:16:00.001+01:00

Okay,

I've had this GFC panic post pop up in legions and legions of blogs for the last few months since Google announced they were retiring Google Reader. Guys, GFC and Reader are TWO different things. Seriously, jam your hype. They aren't shutting it down (yet) so stop getting your panties in a bunch. GFC is connected with Blogger, which automatically shows up on Reader. That does not mean No Reader ≠ No GFC because that would only happen if Blogger shut down.

Its like when everyone went crazy when Google shut down Feedburner's API and they started to predict it was a step away from full closure. Feedburner is still up. Thats not to say these things won't eventually shut down, or be replaced by G+, etc. But if that happens, a company like Google won't just do it overnight (I hope) and we'll get plenty of warning.

Seriously. Stop freaking out all over my feed.

Over-ambitious

2013-06-28T14:14:00.001+01:00

I mentioned this before, but I get super over-ambitious when doing dissertation reading and keep on adding ideas and sections which I realistically will have no space and/or time to include in my dissertation. But I just can't help myself .. I just really am shit at summarising and cutting things off because EVERYTHING has a meaning. I just don't get how someone can make a decision about what is and what isn't important because EVERYTHING IS! Gosh, I feel like thats really arrogant and amateur to just decide hey I'm not going to do this because it isn't important enough. I suppose all academics have a certain level of arrogance though .. maybe thats needed even. I mean of course you need to give importance to one over another otherwise all your work would be .. basic? I don't know man, maybe I'm just too passionate about everything (fickle?). Maybe I'm projecting that picking one over another automatically means you place more importance and disregard other factors when in reality you're just pursuing certain avenues while being aware that you cannot look at other factors but making note of their importance.

Anyway, the other day I sat up, a bit frustrated, trying to get some data for my variables. While I haven't got as much variation and specifics as I had hoped for, in the end I got some things so its a start. I just need to be able to write up two draft sections in the next 10 days and show my supervisor ... I'm not really worried about 1 of the sections (its just theory work and getting the right theories in) but am concerned about the data / specifics section.

Plus, noting down every darn idea and avenue isn't helping .. but I feel like I could utilise them (and maybe want to) for my PhD thesis, which being 100'000 words, will have the space needed to cover all the different parts of the whole.

Spoilt Brat or Self-Assured?

2013-06-28T14:07:00.000+01:00

So I've been denying it for as long as I've had people tell me I'm an only child so I must be spoiled ... but now that I've had time to examine myself, I think maybe they are right :O

But how do you know really? If you really are a spoilt brat or just self-assured and very specific about what you want, need and expect?

Either way, I blame my parents and their contraception using ways / high infant mortality genes!

My babies

2013-06-26T02:35:00.002+01:00

You've heard me go on and on about them so I thought I'd share a picture :)

These are all my sexy primes (as of now) -> 200mm, 135mm, 40mm, 28mm :) I love them all!

PS - thats one of my copyrights on the bottom right. Designed it myself :D its so original right? :D I hope no one steals it!!!