Wandering Towards Destiny...

Lost But With Many Words...

2014-12-22T12:54:00.001-06:00

I will begin by saying that I am not a lover of change. There were days (seemingly so long ago) that I had no problem with putting a few things in a back pack and heading out with no real agenda other fun. Now I make lists, I check them twice. The back our car is so full just for a weekend excursion that you cant see out the back window. I have become a lover of things and knowing that those things are always the same. That is until just recently. God has seen this heart and how it has settled and boy is He shaking it up.

Things with in our family dynamic is greatly changing. My work and volunteer time is changing. My service in the church is changing. The view that I have of myself is changing. The problem with all of that is that even though I think of myself as a very flexible person, the truth is that I am not. I honestly don't like the things that are becoming exposed in my heart and mind. I am not the sweet and understanding person that I thought myself to be. Instead I find myself selfish and with out much mercy. I hold a list of checks and balances in my small mind of requirements that need to be ticked in order to have mercy. Grace has been a subject that I have avoided like the plague and have tried to have as little to do with as I can. But God is shaking and shaking and shaking....He is burning and burning and burning.... And I know that at the end of it all I will no longer be who I am or who I thought myself to be , but rather who He is calling me to become.

So much of this began all the way back in May of 2011, when Dad first grew ill. I was called to a place that I neither wanted or pursued. I was called into the arena of intersession. A place that for years regardless of the pull I resisted. It took Dad laying on his death bed to get me to step up. Don't get me wrong... for years there had been a few people that the Lord had really laid on my heart to pray for on a regular basis, but prayer was general and shallow. (I hate admitting that)... For the time that Dad was in the hospital I felt like I was somehow the banner carrier. When he went home this settled down and I so simply went back to some the back row things that I was so accustomed to. I knew that I had a new found authority but all the judgmentalism and my mercy and grace issues really a huge issue for me. I was walking as close to the walk as I could but it was exhausting and without merit. I found myself running in circles that led me to the same place over and over.

When we lost Josiah in 2013 I found a new place in life that lasted for close to year. I was driven and I felt a confidence in who I was. I knew that God would use it and that I could rely on Him, but that began to change. My ideas of grace began to be challenged. My understanding of who I was began to change. We decided to try for another baby and instead of easily becoming pregnant we were faced with month after month of negative pregnancy tests. Our OB did tests and could find no reason. He began to suggest that we see a specialist. I felt and feel broken and incomplete. Selfish as it may be my heart yearned for that baby. My arms ached and still do for a bundle to fill them. Through this I began to really question if I was in fact who I thought I was. A job that I was sure that I was a shoe in for looked past me. My position as a worship leader all but disappeared and I was basically replaced(or felt replaced). I felt like I just flat didn't matter anymore. That feeling the first day we found out Josiah was gone was with me at all times. I was dropped. No I was thrown away. I was only good for what everyone needed doing until someone better came around and then easily discarded and thrown away like a disposable diaper. I caught myself saying to someone "They all just want to suck the life out of my until I'm empty and then the trash is all I'm good for." I began walking around in a constant state of rage and hate. I couldn't stand to be around any one. I couldn't stand being around myself.

I would be alone in the house and a suddenly ideas and thoughts that I had not had in over a decade began to flood my mind.

"No one cares and wouldn't give a rip if you just disappeared."

"My children would be better off if I just died and then Mick could remarry someone who is so much better...someone not broken like I am."

"Why not just run away."

"I hate me...I hate who I am...I hate i hate I hate!!!"

I was sinking into a place that was full of misery and utter disrepair. I couldn't bare to tell anyone how I felt. As a matter of fact this is the first time that I have actually admitted most of this. I couldn't find my way. I would try to pray and seek, but I just hated going there. I didn't feel any peace. I didn't feel any strength... When someone suggested that maybe God was moving me from Praise and Worship and the place I volunteer my thought was, "Great that figures. Why wouldn't God take away that one last thing that I cared about that I enjoy." I just couldn't stand anymore.

I can't tell you that there was life changing moment or that there was an instant that I can mark. All I can tell you is that He is shaking me. He is making me really dig deep and look at my heart. I'm learning to quiet my thoughts and and just be still. I am choosing to not listen to anymore whispers from the enemy of who people think I am or how they value me. I am having to trust that I simply can't see the big picture and maybe my heart longs for things that He doesn't have planned for me.

It doesn't change that I still long for that last baby to complete our family. That doesn't mean that I have grown elephant skin. It just means that I am going to remember to breath. I going to remember to breath and go from moment to moment and try with all I have to trust Him.

In the Moment

2014-10-27T15:23:00.000-05:00

Two weeks ago I found myself in SAMS club with a 5 year old who was standing beside me mortified, a 2 year old sitting in the basket in front of me terrified, and a 4 year old banging his head on the concrete, screaming, crying, and having an atomic melt down. It was in that moment that I felt every eye on me and with out one person saying a word, I heard every judgment that they could think of. Their glances burning holes straight into my heart. I found myself helpless and unable to do a thing. This was not a situation in which discipline would have done a thing except escalate the problem further. It was not a matter of my 4 year old, Jack, being spoiled. It was a matter of I have no idea at all what was happening and truth be told neither did he.

Jack has been very sensitive his entire life. He has had some testing for Autism spectrum disorders. He has been on several prescriptions. He is now about to start childhood counseling. For the most part Jack is a beautiful, precious boy. He is full of energy, loves to play and wrestle with his brother and Daddy, and he loves Jesus, but Jack also has a very sad dark side. You never know what will trigger his sadness or outburst and those outburst range from screaming to an all out bang your head on the floor fit. All the time you try and call him he begs us to help him stop. This is the plight that my little 37 pound beautiful brown eyed boy has in front of him. As his mother I would be a liar if I said that the thought or idea of having a child with a possible mental illness scares the living thunder out of me. I fear for him and for his future. What will his future teachers think and how will they treat him. What will future employers, girls, schools.......What will they think about him if he is labeled? But then the still, firm, never wavering, never fearing, always present, always strong, all most magestic, all most powerful, most loving, most concerned, and most marvelous voice of my Father whispers to me....

"I hold him in the very palm of my hand. I hold firm to him and he will not fall by the waste side. I have a plan for him that no one could ever imagine. I have marked him as mine and nothing will change that. Dont you know that I wove him together in your womb and there I made him perfect and intentionally? Fear not I am yours and you are mine."

So join us on this journey as we learn how to help Jack be the best he can be, where we learn to equip him, educate him, educate ourselves, and those who will direct and guide him, and where we stand back and allow our loving Daddy to take the reigns and teach us and Jack how to better trust him and love him.

The Small Moments....

2014-02-28T15:52:00.001-06:00

The last seven months have been full. They have been full of grief, laughter, fear, thoughtfulness, and oh....GRACE. I never thought in a million years that I would be at this point in my life and look around and wonder "Just what was it I was suppose to be doing?" I never once thought that I wasn't going to do something that was off the hook blow your mind awesome! That however is not what has happened with this life. Instead I am more practical than I ever thought I could be. I grocery shop with intentions of having a somewhat balanced meal for my kids. I, yes me, I make play dates with other mommies. I am not hanging off a mountain somewhere or leaping off some tropical canopy in the rain forest. No I read bed time stories. I have girl friends and we talk over the in and outs of diaper rash. For a while this was kind of hard for to swallow. I mean come on we are talking about me. I am the one who packed up and moved to South Korea for almost 2 years on a whelm. I am the one who met a man on the inter net...Never met him, but committed to marry him. This is ME that we are talking about. How could I possibly be happy and content with a regular life? Well.......

Well life isn't so regular. Its actually quit spectacular. You see I have come to terms with one thing: I serve at the pleasure of the king. I serve at His beckon, His choosing, I serve at His desire. All those bedtime stories are moments in a little life that I can pour into what will be. Every time my 2 year old climbs up in my lap to just sit and rest I am empowering him with security that he is safe, he can relax, and he knows...my arms are always open. I am learning more and more all the time that every day the regular tasks of motherhood are actually opportunities to try and speak into their lives.

          In fact I am learning more all the time to take every moment captive means something different than what I had once thought. I used to think that it somehow meant that I was to look for the moments in life that were just extraordinary, but I am seeing now that it's about taking the opportunities and seeing where God would lead them. For instance, Many times when I am in my pump class I hear His voice. So I just go with it. Sometimes He points a person out to me. When that happens I will spend the set just praying for that person. sometimes He will tell me specific things and sometimes I just spend the time praise the Lord for that person and blessing them. Sometimes when we stretch at the end of class I just spend that time praising Him and thanking him. I try to find moments like that all through the day.

          At one point I had found myself worried that I wasn't spending enough time in a "quiet time". I grew up with a mother who spent hours at the crack of dawn on her knees in prayer and the word. For the first year that I had children I tried so very hard to fit into that  box. I found myself totally disappointing myself and feeling that I was disappointing God as well. I struggled to see the huge cloud that the vision of my destiny was suppose to come out of. I couldn't understand that why everyone else was "hearing" God but I wasn't. Then one day I was taking a shower...Yes a shower and I was asking God why He wasn't showing me these great visions of what my destiny was...... That is when He spoke so clearly to me, "This is it...You are living it." I was shocked I couldn't believe it. So I asked Him what He meant by that. Again He spoke clear as a bell to me..."Every moment that that you are pouring into the mamas that come to eat lunch with you, every friend whose side you run to when they need you, every time that you as show you face...That is you living your destiny. You living your destiny as minister, you living your destiny as an intercessor , you living your destiny as the reminder of hope for new life that comes only from me." I cried so hard in that shower that day and now some of my best time with Daddy is in the shower.

          All this to say that your quiet time may not look like everyone else's and that is ok. We are told to seek first the kingdom. We aren't told that there is secret code or a special order to how it's suppose to look. The goal in it all is that we would seek His face. The point is that we would draw near to Him and that in doing so build relationship with Him. Right now the season that you are in may not allow you to spend hours seeking Him through scripture. Right now it may be that you just need to sit at His feet as often as you can and guess what? That's ok. He loves you so much that He wants you and you alone.

Grace Under Pressure

2013-08-19T20:28:00.000-05:00

I have to begin with the admission that I know I'm a horrible blogger. I have a sister who is wonderful at it. She is consistent and always relevant. That is not me. I do it when I think about it or God is sharing something with me that I feel strongly He wants to share with some one else. Today would be one of those days.

Let me start with by saying that Mick and I never thought that we would be able to have children. We went through a battery of testing when we were first married and were told that the possibility was not very high for us to ever have our own children. We were amazed and completely blessed that we have three children now. In April we had decided that we were really wanting a fourth. We felt strongly that #4 was in our future. We had started checking for ovulation and we wanted to go for it after my yearly check up. Those plans were thrown to a complete stop. Dr. Tadvick was not happy at all I had gained ALOT of weight, my blood pressure was high and my blood sugars were less than stellar. He said that he really wanted me to wait until I had lost 60 pounds and gotten healthy. I agreed and off we went on a trip to Dallas that we had planned for the kids.

On the last day of our trip our oldest, Emma, put her hand over my tummy and said, "Mommy has a baby in there!" Mick and I both laughed and really didn't think much of it. On the way home I started thinking about it and thought ...What if? So when we got home and unpacked I took a test. What do you know.... I WAS PREGNANT!! We were surprised and scared all at the same time. Dr. Tadvick wasvery adamant that I would not have an easy time if we went ahead and got pregnant. I called his office and he scheduled a blood test. The next day I got a call from him saying, "Well it is for sure..." I started crying and he was so sweet and prayed with me and told me, "We will make this one the best yet..." I started insulin again and we went on to lose weight. Of first appointment cam and we had a great sonogram. Everything looked great and we were given a due date of December 27th. Excited now and feeling confident in everything being OK we began planning. Looking to buy a house get a car.... We were one our way... not quite the timing that we had thought but we were already in love with this child and couldn't wait to meet him or her.

My second appointment was on July 7th. I went alone. I mean this was our fourth and we knew what to expect. I was called into the back and weighed and had my blood pressure...everything was looking better already. Then I went back into room #4 I laid on the the bed and the nurse put the doppler on my tummy. I wasn't too worried when she couldn't find the tiny heart beat. I was just 15 weeks and because I was so over weight it didn't surprise me. She left and got Dr. Tadvick and he started a sonogram. We talked freely about what was going on in the family and how we were doing and then the conversation began to lull... The sonogram was taking quiet a while. He kept leaning across me making the picture larger and larger... He then began to talk to himself..."Lets do an internal sonogram.." He had a nurse come in and began the internal sonogram. It seemed like an eternity. I knew. I knew I knew I knew... I had started praying... Tears running down my face. I knew. "Keri I have really bad news. You've lost the baby."
......The words rang in my ears like symbols and I got a charlie horse in my stomach. I stood straight up with the a sheet around my waist. My head was spinning. I wanted to throw up, but this was Dr. Tadvick and I couldn't just barf in the floor. He had me get dressed and told me that I could wait as long as needed and that he thought it would be best if I called Mick and had him come in. Mick came immediately and met me out in the foyer. We went up to the office and they took us straight back into a room. I sat in floor a huddle mass. Mick leaning over me and when Dr. Tadvick came in he surrounded us both. He talked to Mick about options and what eh felt we should do, but I honestly heard nothing. He loved on us and we went home. I felt numb. We went to Mom and Dad's and fell into her arms. She sat me down and started telling me about how God still had us. She quoted scripture and shared her heart with me. All I could think though was that He had dropped me. That is all that I could think...

Mom prayed for us and we went home and told Emma that our baby was gone. She surprised me by weeping uncontrollably. I went to bed that night hoping that I would not wake up the next day. But God did something that night. He began healing me even then. The next morning Dr. Tadvick's nurse called me and told me that a DNC had been planned after a confirmation sonogram at the hospital. The next morning we went to the hospital for the sonogram confirming what we already knew and walked across to Tadvick's office and sat in a room waiting... I sat down and as soon as I sat down I felt like the world was gong to come out of my mouth. I ran to the bathroom and threw up. Dr. Tadvick and Mick were in the room when I came back. He discussed the procedure with us, but I couldn't tell you one word he said.... Then I felt his hand on my leg and realised that he was saying me name. He was asking me if this is what I wanted. But I knew that it didn't matter. I had been carrying my baby dead for almost four weeks and could not bare to let it just a happen. There was also the issue of bleeding out and we lived 20 minutes from the hospital. Not to mention that there would be no one around me that could help because Mick worked 45 minutes away. Dr. Tadvick prayed over us and sent us over to the hospital again.

We walked through a little garden area between the two buildings and Mick talked about how pretty it was. I remember looking at the fountain there and being overcome with peace. We walked into the foyer and checked in. While standing there our pediatrician was walking through and saw us. He came over and loved on us and emotion covered me like waves on a beach. I began to weep and the receptionist began to weep. She came out from behind the counter and hugged on us both. She told me that what ever we needed she would help us. All of the sudden we were overcome by a very real awareness of God's grace. We were taken straight back to the pre-surgical area. As we went through the pre-surgery process and testing we asked one of the nurses if there was a chance that we could get the remains of our baby. Stopped where she was at and said "No one has ever asked me that before. Let me make some calls and I will take care of everything." We were taken up to the surgical floor and the nurse that met us there told us starting off "I am so sorry you have to be here today." The nurse from down stairs came up. She told us that she had arranged everything for our precious baby and that we would be given the remains. She started to leave and then turned around and sat down on the edge of my bed. She began to cry and held my hand. "Do you know what it means to me that you want this baby? You are honoring him and validating him." She then began to tell me that when she was a little girl her mother had miscarried twice. She was so heart broken that these babies had just simply disappeared. She was showing us even before we realised that this baby was serving a purpose and that God was already using his precious little life regardless of how brief it was.

An IV was started and our pastor came up to be with Mick while I was in surgery. From that point on I really don't remember a lot. The only thing I do remember is moving over to the operating table and having the mask put on my face and beginning to realise this was real. This is happening. I began to whisper Jesus as I drifted off... The next thing that I remember was a precious nurse from our church over me and praying for me. I was not even aware of it but I had begun to weep and call out for my baby. I wept for about 45 minutes, but then it was just over. I was taken to the next recovery area and was met by our nurse Sarah. I will always remember. She sat down and cried with us and shared with us that she had lost twins when she was younger. When the lab called from the pathologist office she was surprised that they were bringing the remains up. She then shared that she had often wished that she had been able to do the same for her babies, but the option was not given to her. We received a little box from the labor and deliver department. When I looked through it I found the most precious things and I felt the love of an amazing father who loves us so very much. I was amazed at the out pouring of love from a small group of women whom I had never even met. Talk about feeling the love of a Daddy that I could call tangible. It was amazing how as the day went on we were just covered in love and the Lord was not just ministering to us but was ministering to others through us and the way that we were dealing with this.

Was it possible that He was already making beauty from ashes. He was already pouring into us and allowing opportunity for us to pour into others? How could this be? Shouldn't this be like the worst day of my life and yet I actually was feeling a joy. I was actually able to rejoice. Not in the situation, but in the grace that He was pouring over us. He was covering us and without us even knowing it, He was moving us into a new place that we had never been before. Our day ended in joy and an awareness of the presence of Christ that we had never known before. How precious is was His grace and how perfect was His love? We had felt something that even now is with us and we are able to share it with others.

In closing, Job has always been a book that I have always wrestled with. How could he be so very loyal and God still allow Satan to put him through what he did? Job 13:15 means more to me now than it ever did....

" 15 [I do it because, though He slay me, yet will I wait for and trust Him and] behold, He will slay me; I have no hope—nevertheless, I will maintain and argue my ways before Him and even to His face."

Understatement.....

2012-12-04T12:48:00.007-06:00

My whole life I have heard that God had a destiny for me. I was choosen, called, or marked. I had been choosen before time to fullfill His purposes. It was very dissapointing for me when I reached adulthood and found that I was not in some far off country raising peopple from the dead. Instead I am a house wife with three babies, a husband, and a small part time job. I have no great career or awesome mind shaking ministry.

For a while this issue was as struggle for me. I was so afraid that the opurtunity had eaither comletely passed me by in my sin or that I wouod miss it when it came. Some how I had equated noteriety with destiny... They are not the same for those of you struggling with the same thing. It was crazy when it dawned on me that I was living my destiny. I was in the shower(one of the few places that I actually have some allone time) and I was praying. Heck I was crying out. I felt useless and lacking in every way. then the Lord began to show me faces of people that had recently been at my table or on my coouch. Each one had some kind of issue or question or simply needed someone to listen to them.

He simply told me,"darlin you're living it!!!" I couldn't believe it. For some reason I thought when He showed me His lan for my destiny , I would be knocked out cold and that people would look at me as marked for purpose. It wasn't that at all... instead it wasn't me that they were seeing ...IT WAS HIM!!!!!!!!! What JOY!!! When I realized that very point it was all I could do to stand. That people could see Him in me????......... How could this be? I mean I know me and I know that the rough vanier is still very present. I constantly struggle with self worth, my weight, my attitude towards my children, my my my my.... I could go on for quite a while. But that was the point.

He had choosen to show what mercy looks like. I had always old my Dad that God even used an ass because he was difficult most of the time...What I dinlt realize was that I would be the ass He used. I don't hide the struggles. I don't hide the pain...What's the point? Everything done in darkness is some how brought to light. I found myself being scary real with poeple and found that real is what they needed. in spite of all my short comimngs I love Jesus and I know and realize that His rightousness makes me rightous!! For such a long time I had struggled with the whole thing about trying to be worthy and all the time He was rollinh His eyes loving me where I was. I never understood that until my three year old was talking to me.

Emma is my first born. She was the beginning of our miracle of having a family. She is full of spunk and energy. She will be 4 at the end of the month and is a delight and stinker all at the same time. She loves to be sung to and to sing. (Tone deaf as she may be...I am still holding out hope) One of her favorite songs is "Jesus Loves Me". One night we were going through the same every night tasks of getting everyone in bed and doing our singing... When I got to the place of Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so...She began to say in excitement...."Mommy My Jesus loves me...He really really loves me!!!" I was stunned...For the very first time in my life I realized..MY Jesus Loves me! It wasn't just words anymore. It wasn't just a simple child's song anymore....MY JESUS LOVES ME!!!

I was overwhelmed and began to cry. What in the world. Why had I never looked at it that way before. I was overjoyed that at this tender age Emma had already grasped the concept of His love for her and yet her 40 year old mother was just now seeing it for the firt time in such a real way!

What would happen if every one understood His love for them in such a matter of fact way that He is Their Jesus and that He loves them and desires such a close relationship that we seem Him as ours? Then it all began to make even more since. The ones who have been in and out of my life never came or went without knowing one thing....That I love Jesus. That I believe that there is no issue that is beyond Him. I have sat on the couch with friends as they told me that I didn't understand and that their marriage was over. The look on their faces when I would tell them that it still wasn't too late that He could still heal their relationship... I knew this because we have been through Hell as a couple. and here we are by His grace. I cried with others sisters in faith as they wet at the fact that family members were told that they would die and I would tell them it didn't have to be that way... I knew because we have been there.... Wow and they all still knew me as the girl who says crap and on occasions even says shit. They all know me as the girl who partied like a rock star and still likes to throw one back every once in a while.. They know me. they know that I have struggled and struggle every day and still here I am raising "MY JESUS"....

All this to say... Be who you are and not who you think you have to be for Him to use... He is much bigger than that and you are living your destiny...It's called life!

Hebrews 12:28

2012-11-23T12:23:00.001-06:00

For the last 23 days I have seen all my friends post on their blogs and facebook pages what they are thankful for. I thought about doing it, but when I really contemplated putting it down in black in white I changed my mind. I have so many things that putting them in priority would be ridiculous Then I began to ask God what He desires us to be the most thankful for....Salvation, families, grace? Here is what I heard....

^"Do you see what we’ve got? An unshakable kingdom! And do you see how thankful we must be? Not only thankful, but brimming with worship, deeply reverent before God. For God is not an indifferent bystander. He’s actively cleaning house, torching all that needs to burn, and he won’t quit until it’s all cleansed. God himself is Fire!" Hebrews 12:28

Wow!!! Families are fickle... even the closest families have moments when they are at odds and friends come in and out of your life, much like the tides. The only one thing that is constant and the same for all time is God... he never changes. He never allows my stinking attitude sever His love for me. He doesn't listen to what others say about me and draw conclusions about my worth. He doesn't sit around and talk about me just to entertain Himself or pass the time. His love is genuine and never be found lacking, even when I am.

He Can Make A Perfect Heart

2012-11-07T23:43:00.000-06:00

Where to begin.... Over the last month the Lord has taken me through what has almost felt like an obstacle coarse. I committed to pray and do a partial fast for 37 days leading up to the election. Now the fasting part was not as big a deal as I thought it would be, but the onslaught was crazy. Never have I felt so out of control in my life. My children lost their minds, I was constantly on the brink of meltdown, Mick and fought more than we have in years. After having gone through that and still remained faithful to stick to it I will be honest, I felt betrayed by God last night. I could not believe that my friends and I had followed through with our commitment and God still allowed our white house to fall into the lap of a man who stands against everything I am grounded in and supports everything that I am against. How could this happen??!

It could happen because we are a nation that has become blinded. I have so many friends and family whom I love deeply who have extreme liberal ideas and beliefs. The thought of abortion being outlawed throws them into a panic because, "Women have to have reproductive rights." They go into a tail spin about a bird being displaced, but the idea of a child being partially born and then then killed is OK....I have a point... They are not bad or evil people. In fact are some of the most precious and generous people I know. They are people who I love deeply and have supported me in times of dire straights... so how could they treat me with such grace and compassion and yet have such sickening look at politics and the value of life in general? Because they have been blinded. I'm not saying that I see the light completely, but I do seek the kingdom. I know that if I seek the kingdom ALL these things shall be added unto me...

At least that is what I have told myself. I have told myself that I could skirt around the issues and as long as I was seeking ...I was good. That is simply not the case. I was amazed at how quickly venom shot out of my mouth and through my fingers as I wrote responses last night to election finals. How easy it was for me to through the "F" bomb around talking to Mick about how stupid our country was and " What kind of idiots are voting?" .....Now I have had to swallow more pride than I would even like to think about an apologize to him and others of how I ranted. How easy it was to fall off of grace, forget about faith, and dive head first off the cliff of despair. I mean WOW!!! Did I forget that His word tells us???

"Let every person be loyally subject to the governing (civil) authorities. For there is no authority except from God [by His permission, His sanction], and those that exist do so by God’s appointment." Romans 13:1

I found myself going through the last two years in my mind and He reminded me that He is all that matters...Storms rage, kingdoms fall, but He is constant. How many times does he have to tell me. How many times does He have to show me before I really get it? I wish I knew. I wish there was a switch I could flick and then it would be what it is. I can look over things for the last two years and see that even though we could not possibly see how God could make something good out of it....He did. He made beauty from ashes.

He has reminded many times over the last two days that He is more than able to look into the hearts of His people. He is able to change everything with the very breath from His mouth and through it all....He can make a perfect heart. It may not be easy. In fact the journey will most certainly be difficult. We will have struggles, but we MUST know and remember that this journey is not about us. It is about the families that have yet to be touched by His mercy.

So my fellow Christian brothers and sisters here we are. We have a call and choice to make. We have to make the choice to fulfill our responsibility to our nation. We are called to cover our president and ALL our leaders in prayer. There is no heart so hardened or life so very turned that He can not change it, mold it, and create the perfect heart. Pray for our leaders. Submit yourself daily to asking His intervention on our behalf. Our God is able.

Am I Ready

2012-08-06T12:18:00.004-05:00

I have been working on a blog post for over a week now and every time I think that I am ready to post it something has happened. Some thing has been wrong with it every time that I have read over it and then I found out why. When I went to church Sunday before last our sermon was about " New Wine Skin" . The reference is (and I am using the God's Word translation... I loved how it worded this)

Matthew 9:16-17:

¹⁶“No one patches an old coat with a new piece of cloth that will shrink. When the patch shrinks, it will rip away from the coat, and the tear will become worse. ¹⁷Nor do people pour new wine into old wine skins. If they do, the skins burst, the wine runs out, and the skins are ruined. Rather, people pour new wine into fresh skins, and both are saved.”

As I sat listening to the sermon it was like everything that Pastor Scott was saying, he was saying straight to me. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that I would be at this point in my life. I never thought that I would come to the point in my life when I was willing to say "What ever the cost." "What ever I have to loose or give up. His presence is worth it all!!" I can not even explain how I feel about this because it more than a feeling. It is who I am called to be. This is my destiny. This is what everything that I have been through and fought from is about. It is everything that you too have been through and fought from.

We are called to be more than the sum of ourselves. We are called to be the sum of Christ to the world. We do not have the the luxury of offense or or hurt feelings.

I am in no way a "Dooms Day seeker" I do not look forward to the fall of our nation or judgement. I know what well all deserve...DEATH, but I do feel that there is stirring in the body of Christ. God is wanting to do something new in me... In us. In order for Him to do that we have seriously got to get over our selves.

I don't care what religion that you may have been fully steeped in. We cannot be about the religion. We must be about the Father. He is not about your music being loud or conventional, whether you Dance or stand. He is about "HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME?" I hear Him now asking me and many that I know..."Do you love me enough to let go of it all? Do you value my presence enough to forsake everything?"

It is scary, crazy, and wonderful place. To stand on the verge of something that you know is perfection to the greatest of value, yet look back over your shoulder at what it may cost you. Even now just thinking about it gives me goosebumps. I want Him to be everything and just something in my life. I know that if I can get to that place where I am willing to say, "No matter the cost...I have to be in your presence.." I know that's the place that He wants me to be. I know that is the place He wants you to be. In His presence.

Fast forward now to this last Sunday... The sermon was "Check Your Oil"....The reference being Matthew 25...

The story of the ten virgins, one that we all know, the points are simple:

Jesus: He is our bridegroom
The Lamps: our capacity of ministry
Our calling to be the light in the darkness

These are all key points that we have all heard before , but wait there is more... The virgins that were not prepared had settled. They had settled to "just get bye"....That is what so many of us are doing we are settling and God has called us to a higher calling as His people. We are to be a people of excellence. That same spirit of mediocrity led the Israelites into a kingship that brought with it such a price, yet the people could not see past their own noses. Samuel warned them that if God gave them what they wanted what would happen....(1 Samuel 8:10-18, the massage)

^10-18 So Samuel told them, delivered God's warning to the people who were asking him to give them a king. He said, "This is the way the kind of king you're talking about operates. He'll take your sons and make soldiers of them—chariotry, cavalry, infantry, regimented in battalions and squadrons. He'll put some to forced labor on his farms, plowing and harvesting, and others to making either weapons of war or chariots in which he can ride in luxury. He'll put your daughters to work as beauticians and waitresses and cooks. He'll conscript your best fields, vineyards, and orchards and hand them over to his special friends. He'll tax your harvests and vintage to support his extensive bureaucracy. Your prize workers and best animals he'll take for his own use. He'll lay a tax on your flocks and you'll end up no better than slaves. The day will come when you will cry in desperation because of this king you so much want for yourselves. But don't expect God to answer."

Sweet Lord He gave them what they wanted and what He told them would happen did!

When I read that I couldn't help but think that we have done the same thing. We have been so tied up in not hurting feelings that the distinction between us and the rest of the world is a very thin line that is quickly fading. That is not who we are called to be. We are called to be more. Which brings me back to that place teetering on the edge of the canyon. Looking over my shoulder.

What have I to loose that He would not and could not restore a million times over with more glory than I have ever dreamt of? What have I gained through the almost 40 years that I have been on this planet that is worth a second in His presence? What is in my life that I have simply settled for instead of gone after the best and pursued the excellence that he is calling me to? Well....(now for some of you this may get personal and I may lose you here if I haven't already)...

My weight and the lack of a healthy lifestyle. My children are watching as well as everyone else and I am choosing to eat myself into an early grave... IT MUST CHANGE.
running from responsibility of leadership. Too much has been poured into me for me to continue running from leadership. regardless of what that may look like.
Commitment to others. It is so easy to say that we are so busy with our families that we don't have time, but the truth is that we have time for what ever we prioritize.

There is too much at risk for all of us to not start asking ourselves and the Lord what He desires from us and in us. Whatever the cost. He will not come for a bride that is kind of ready or sort of committed. He is coming for the bride of His dreams. the one who is in total abandoned love with Him. The bride that can't see her life any other way than in His presence and at His feet.

What is My Shade?

2012-07-17T14:07:00.003-05:00

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—

for your love is more delightful than wine.

Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;

your name is like perfume poured out.

No wonder the young women love you!
⁴
Take me away with you—let us hurry!

Let the king bring me into his chambers.

(No this is not from an erotic novel that seems to be working the women of America into a frenzy. It is actually a portion of the first chapter of the Song of Solomon.)

When Magic Mike I will be honest... I thought "HOLY MOLY!!! WOW!!" Then very quickly the Holy Spirit checked me. Then I began to hear about this whole "Shades of Grey" thing... I mean who couldn't use a little spice in their lives ...right? I mean right?... Oh how quickly the Lord began to speak to me. I have read a lot of blogs about difent people's takes on it but hear is what I heard the Lord say about it...

"He went on: "It's what comes out of a person that pollutes: obscenities, lusts, thefts, murders, adulteries, greed, depravity, deceptive dealings, carousing, mean looks, slander, arrogance, foolishness—all these are vomit from the heart. There is the source of your pollution."

Mark 7:20-23

When I read this I immediatley thought of my house on the worst day....With two toddlers and an infant my house (with less than 4 years between the oldest and youngest). My house is always in some state of crazy...Would I like it if Christ showed up today unannounced? Would I be proud of what he saw all over or would the trash be over flowing and the dishes fill the sink? Or would He see that my house may be a mess but babies are happy and they are learning to love Him? Do I allow good and healthy things in my life thus in my house or do I let the trash pour in?

We as Christians forget all too fast that we are in the world and not of it. Just because my neighbors does it doesn't mean that it is OK for me. You Paul kind of addressed this. When he said in Corinthians...

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.

I Corinthians10:23

You know because we have experienced such tremendous grace and freedom through Christ, I could go and see those hard bodies rotate around for our entertainment, but what would it gain me? I could read the super hot lusty novel that is hitting the top ten all over the country,but what would it gain me?

Another way I look at it is how would I feel if me husband was looking at Playboy and hitting the stripe clubs? Would I be like, "Sure babe that works for me!....Hey maybe if you read an erotic novel our intimacy would be better, or maybe if you look a few more naked women you will view my body more as a temple..." I don't think I would and I doubt most women would be. I think that I would feel like I was lacking. I would feel like some how I did not fill his desires and that some how I didn't measure up. Is that what we want to tell the men in our lives? That they don't measure up? No! and I mean NO!!

I want my husband to feel like he meets all my needs whether that is in our bedroom or if that is in the everyday life that we share. I want him to know, that I did not settle...I chose!! I did not choose him because of a hot body or his ability to know every Karma Sutra position...I chose him because he is faithful, he is witty, he is smart, he is considerate, he is compassionate, he is the man I could see being a good father to my future children and he was the one I loved and most importantly...he loved me the way that I deserved to be loved. He placed me and my happiness above his own wants and desires. That my friends is the reason that you marry a man...looks fade and yes hair will be lost at some point, but his love is faithful to me.

Everything

2012-07-06T07:13:00.000-05:00

Ten years ago in June I met Mick, my husband, online. I was sitting in a computer bong with 75-100 other people in CheongJu south Korea and responded to a message that he had sent me. That night we called each other and I remember thinking, "WOW!!!This man could change my life." I had no idea just how true that was. We spent the rest of my contract in Korea talking on the phone and having messenger meetings. It was decided that I would go to see him when my contract was up. I had been in Korea 15 months when I met him. This at the school that I was st were less than happy. I had gone to teach English and just about everything that had been promised to me was false. Although I struggled with the situation, I still loved many of the people that I had met there and when asked if I would stay another year, I stupidly said yes. I waited almost three months for a second contract to be drawn up but it never came. I found out that what they were doing was delaying the contract so that they could legally get more time form me without paying and being responsible for a visa renewal. these are important things when teaching in a foreign country ( for those of you thinking about it) ( contact me I have some great resources for you!) as things began to unravel at the school Mick and I really began to care a lot for each other. he finally told me that he thought I should get out of the situation any way that I could. I finally told the head master that I was leaving. They could either provide the ticket home that had been promised or I could go to the authorities with everything that I knew. a ticket was purchased....

First time we met 2002

Mick and I had decided that I would fly to meet him in person. I arrived in the states in late September and in November I flew out to see him. As long as I live i will never forget the grin on his face the first time that he saw me in the flesh. At that time I had no idea what he had already sacrificed for me. You see when I met Mick he was a forklift driver for a builders merchant. He didn't make a lot of money but it was enough for him. He scrimped and saved until he was able to get a ticket for me to come see him. He went without for months so that he could show me a good time while I was there. Nothing was too much to ask...

Our wedding February 2004

Our time together in England solidified the feelings that we had and he asked me to marry him. He had yet again done without until he could scrap together the money to take me to Blackpool. There he asked me to marry him....while I was soaking my feet! I came home in December and we began the process of getting him here. For those of you who don't know... Our immigration process for this country is an absolute JOKE!! It cost us thousands of dollars in immigration fees and travel just to get a fiancee visa. Honestly the subject of immigration is a whole other blog entry!

When Mick came here to be with me he left his Mother whom he ate at least one meal a day with, His sister, whom he had a very tight relationship with, and some absolutely salt of the earth friends. He sold and gave away EVERYTHING that he had. EVERYTHING!!!!! Packed everything that would fit in one suitcase and left. He left not knowing when and if he would ever see his family and friends again. He left not knowing what his future would be in Texas, He left everything that he had ever worked for and came here. To me. For me. He gave up everything that he had on the chance that I would love him and that we could make it. other than the love of the Father, I have never known such love and commitment.

Camping with the little Honda that could

2007

Yes it has been hard. We have struggled to keep our heads above water from the beginning. Yes we have had to settle for less than in our monetary lives, but if we could only measure the things that we are rich in, the value would be priceless. When we were first married we loved just packing the car a taking off. As long as we had a tent we were good! We knew how to have a good time with some lunch meat, butter, and bread. We didn't have much but we had each other. We now have three absolutely glorious, beautiful, and lovely children. We have jobs( 18 months of the first of our marriage we were both jobless!) We have each other!!! we still love each other!!! We have watched friends of ours who have had so very much more from a finical standard fall apart, but we have stayed together through thick and thin.

I am amazed at the Man I met 10 years ago and the one who walks through my door every evening. I see what God has done and what he is doing. Words escape me. The goodness of God is more than I can fathom!! I watch Emma wrap her legs around her Daddy in utter joy when he comes home from work and think "WOW!!God your awesome!!" How He was able to weave the two of us together blows my mind!! Had I been where I am now it would have never worked. I would have never answered a message from a stranger. Had my life not been in ashes, I would have never met this man. God dose indeed give beauty for ashes!!!

Choices Choices Choices

2012-06-26T13:52:00.002-05:00

I am sure that we all have someone in our lives that tests us and moves us to emotions and frustrations that make us almost loose our minds. Lately I have had many and the Lord has once again used them and their "situations" to teach me. It is a lesson that I am still learning. It seems that I have many times "given" them over to the Lord or "forgiven" them only to feel that sickness in my stomach every time I think of them. I would say out loud, "Lord I give this situation to you. It's yours. I know that I can do nothing about it. I know that only you can change hearts and minds. Only you can make new what the enemy has devastated." Then 20 seconds after doing that, I have picked it right back up again. How do you let go? How do you make the CHOICE to let go?!

As I began to look for scriptures and teachings about forgiveness I ran across an idea that I had never entertained before. The concept that I was feeling rejection rather than anger or a sense of being betrayed. Many times the actual cause of my personal frustration was and is in fact that I feel rejected. Every time I usually run into one of these situations the root of what I feel is rejection. Mind you, this has taken me quite a while to accept. I have battled with rejection my whole life at one time or another. I really thought that I was OVER the whole rejection thing. When I was looking up scriptures on this I found a wonderful quote by Beth Moore. (One of my very favorites!)

"The next time you feel rejection's sting, remember God's word to Samuel: "It is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me." (Samuel 8:7)

-Beth Moore

When I read that it was almost as if a light switch had gone on in my mind and heart. In practically all of these cases that I have been hurt, frustrated, left out, and yes felt rejected, it wasn't me that those people rejected. I can't even tell you what a huge burden lifted off me. That meant that I no longer had to "work" at the relationship the same way that I had. It meant instead that I could now look at all of those relationships with a perspective that actually had Christ in the place where I had been standing. A few weeks ago our pastor, Scott Beard, gave a quote that fit so perfectly.

"Without perspective our vision is always on our circumstances"

-Scott Beard

When I was able to look at situations with Christ my place it freed me. Instead of me being the one that arrows are flung at, it was Him. Instead lies being told about me, it's Him that they lie about. Instead of me being rejected, it's Him being rejected. That frees me up to be able to pray for those who have been spiteful. It frees me up to let go of hurt and hate because it's not mine. I can't take ownership of it.

WOW what freedom!!! What incredible truth and how awesome to experience the fact that the TRUTH does indeed set us free.

The knowledge that I am actually making the CHOICE to change perspective makes it so much easier to let go and allow Him to shine His truth into my life, on my situations, and penetrate the hearts of those around me. I want my life to be a work in progress that draws men to Him and not revolt them from Him...So really when it comes down to it...Once again what it all comes down to is Him. If I chose to keep my perspective on Him, to set my face like flint.....

"Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will

not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face

like flint, and I know I will not be put to

shame."

-Isaiah 50:7

I will overcome. I will see lives truly changed. I will see the bound set free. I will see His kingdom come!

A Past to Define or to Make you

2012-06-15T01:34:00.001-05:00

I recently began the steps to finishing my BA. As I thought about writing about that process I realized that there was more to the story than this scholastic process. I have never shared my testimony and I guess today is THE DAY....I attended Texas A&M for summer stint and thought that I would go back to actually attend full time. That was not in the cards. I instead attended a local junior college, then Hardin-Simmons University, then LeTourneau University. I loved LeTourneau! i loved it a little too much.... I hooked up with way too many people who I thought were the absolute bomb and partied my little life away. I was asked to leave LeTourneau when my GPA turned a staggering 0.069....YES you did read that right. I was out of school 2 months shy of 2 years. I partied like a rock star made mindbogglingly poor decisions and then one day God shook me pretty good and said ENOUGH!!! I went back and struggled to bring my GPA up to a 2.7... Just so you know that means you have to climb on hell of a mountain to overcome a GPA like that!!!

I could blame many things on my losing my mind when out of the throngs of my parents. I could blame fact that my father had been a rage-aholic as I grew up and that he had beat the day lights out of me on a few occasions, or that as an obese child I had been bullied and made fun of my entire life, I could even try to blame it on my the fact that even with eliminating an abusive father our family was dysfunctional to a crazy level. the truth is that I chose to make poor decisions. I could say that the fact that I was depressed to point of suicide being a welcoming option aided in my lack of self control. I hated being me so much that I tried on several occasions to take my life while in high school. My parents only really knew about one. It was an over dose of pain medication. I became a christian my junior year of high school, but once I left my little town I drank like a fish and smoked like a train. At one point I was up to 3 packs of cigarettes a day. I couldn't sleep unless I had drank a minimum of four bears before bed. I might not have food in my fridge but I made certain that I had vodka and tequila in the cupboard. I would do without anything but my smokes and liquor. I had always told myself growing up that I would save myself and that I would be on of the few who had achieved the virginal bride status. The truth was that no boy had ever shown me the time of day and I had never been put to the test until I had left home. You meet many people in bars who don't care what you look like and are simply looking for the same thing you are...To not be alone. I will just leave that as it is.

After walking the stage in the year 2000 and lacking 9 hours of Spanish from having a degree, I cold not figure out what the hell I would do. I had had a year long internship with the COG in East Texas, but had not been offered a full time position. I had no choice but to move back home. It was then that I was asked to go to South Korea and teach English. At first it was a nightmare, but then I began to find myself in the midst of a group of westerners that were all doing what I was doing. searching for, running from, and trying to define themselves. After having been sober for a few years, the bottle was a welcomed friend when I found myself in a terrible school and no way home. I made good friends (Matty if you find this and read this PLEASE hear it for what it is....A way to freedom!!) I can't remember months that I was there. I spent so much time time in the bar that a good portion of it is a blur. I once again found myself in a situation where I hated my situation, myself, and life in general. So much so that at one point i began to play with the idea of cutting my wrists. One evening I had drank just enough that that I went a little too far and actually cut deep enough the ample blood began to pour. My friend Tim had stopped by to check on me and found a mess that I can never apologize enough for. He called my sister and between the two of them devised a plan to get me over the hump. I really do believe that had Tim not come in that night, the next night I would have had more than enough courage to really end it. I had felt the razor and I knew I could bare it. I knew that with just a little more whiskey...I could finally rest and not have to hate myself any more.

A few months passed I began to feel better. I met a man who I am now married to and have three wonderful babies with, but the path was not without stones . Before Mick I went from man to man. Begging for them to love me and instead they got what they wanted. we had a good time, they had some free house keeping, and a decent cook. That is until some one else turned their heads and then they were off and I was left again feeling like I was being sucked into a black hole. After I met Mick on line something began to change in me. God began to change me and mold me. It was gradual and almost so slight of hand that I didn't even realize that it was happening.

When Dad got sick that all changed. In a moment I was changed completely. In just a moment everything that had been poured in me and over me came to the surface. I was not that same little girl always running from her past into another situation that would be another dreadful chapter of how not to live your life...I knew in moment who I was, what I was, where my worth came from. I am a daughter of the King, I am priest with all authority, my God is my worth ! To say that I don't still struggle daily with worth and self loathing would be a lie, but I am quick to hear my Father remind me of what was and what now is.

I share all this to say this....There is nothing in your past or present that He can not take and use to make your future. I know some are dealing with things that they can not possibly see how God or any one else could get past, but I am living proof that HE can and Will.

Welcome Callan Joseph

2012-04-18T00:03:00.003-05:00

Where Oh Where...

2012-04-17T23:13:00.000-05:00

When I was young I would be the first to try just about anything. In fact that got me in trouble a few times. I have always had an adventurous spirit and wanted to try the thing that would make my skin tingle and give me that since of no control...Yes I will admit that included recreational drugs and alcohol for a time of my life. While I was in Korea 1 years ago...A decade ago!!!!!!!! I really pushed it. I had been pushing it a while when I was in school, but in Korea I had nothing to lose. I was away from family, surrounded by others doing the same thing that I was, and every opportunity to do it. I know that many of the things that I did went completely against everything that I had been raised to believe. I definitely made some big mistakes in that part of of my life. What made me even think about this is music. I was listening to music from when I was in college and as always the stream of deep emotions and memories came back with every lyric. It made me start thinking about that girl. what exactly happened to her? I mean I know I met a man, fell in love,and three babies later here we are, but what happened to that girl who was up for anything. I can remember a time when the guys could call me at 11:30 and as say that they were going out and had 15 minutes to get ready so that we cold hit the bar before 12:00 get the specials...

I know that my priorities are different now. I mean I have a family, but never do I ever just think I'll drop everything and go to ....whatever. Instead of bars now it would be coffee with the mommies on Thursdays, lunch with my friends at McDonald's, or simply reaching out to that doctors wife in line at the super Walmart that I really want to get to know but am too intimidated to do. How crazy that the girl that used try anything is now so easily intimidated. How does that intimidation effect the life path that I have chosen now? If I am honest with myself the answer is Hugely!!! I have allowed moments to pas without ever taking them captive. Things that I KNOW I should have said to people, but became so afraid about what that person might think about me, opportunities completely missed and actually avoided!

I share all of this because the last month I have had dire conviction about this and about the life that I have chosen. I have allowed myself to be happy sitting on the side lines of my life. Some how I went to sit down and forgot to get up and go back into the game. Because of that my passion and conviction have been compromised and I am constantly aware that I am not being all that I can. I don't want my children to think like I do. I want them all to know that they are only limited by themselves and that there is no limit to what they can do, where they can go, or who they can touch. That is why I CHOOSE to CHANGE!!

I am taking back the ground that I have for too long allowed the enemy and others take from me. I can not control what others do but I can control what I chose to do. that means losing weight, getting in shape, and yes to prove to myself that I have truly made a change, I am working towards a Tough Mudder.

Oh the Sweet Pain

2012-03-01T11:55:00.000-06:00

On the 15th of February I woke at 2:30 so sick I could hardly make it to the bathroom. for the next four hours I spent most of the time over the toilet throwing up. Nothing was helping and every time I took phenergan or anything else it stayed for 2 minutes and was out. I called my OB and he was in surgery all morning, but his nurse told me that if I couldn't go 2 hours with out throwing up to go on to labor and delivery. The ironic thing was that I was scheduled to go in latter that day to begin the process of induction. When I got to the hospital I was very dehydrated and as the day progressed I went into labor on my own. When our doctor came in he checked and I was to a 3.5 and 75% effaced so we decided to see what would happen. Labor pains became of steady and it seemed that we were going to have Callan with out a lot of intervention. I was excited as sick as I was. The next morning Dr. Tadvick came in to break my water. When he went to check me he said that he had shaken hands with the baby. He seemed a little concerned and went and got the sonogram. After looking at what seemed was his hand we realised that it was the babies cord. He broke my water and skilfully manipulated the cord until it was not pressed against the head. For the next few hours I laid as still as I could and finally I said I really wanted my epidural. The anaesthesiologist came up and began the procedure...all did not go well. It took 45 minutes multiple attempts and then it didn't work. Dr. Tadvick just "happened" to deliver a baby around 12 and was on the floor. he came to check on me and when he went to check progression what we felt was going to be a normal delivery became emergency very quickly.

Callan's cord had completely prolapsed and his heart rate right at that moment began to go down. Dr. Tadvick looked at me grabbed my hand and said we are going to have to do an emergency c-section right now. My head was spinning. The reality was not hitting me. My aunt was there with me and called Mom and Mick, who had gone to lunch to come back. It seemed like everything was in a flash from that moment on. They had called another Dr. to come and do the epidural again and by the time he got there it had become a general anesthetic. Mick got to the room. A hat was put on my head. Dr Tadvick grabbed both of our hands and began to pray and before I knew it I was being bounced down the hall to the OR. Once in the Or the reality of how serious things were really hit me. a nurse had asked for something and I heard Dr. Tadvick's NPR say that we did not have time for that.... All of the sudden I knew. I knew that I could loose this precious one that I had drempt of. I had convinced Mick that we needed one more in our family. I longed for this child to the point of achking aching and now I could be watching him slip from my fingers. It was more than I could even comprehend....It was at that moment that Dr. Tadvick's NPR looked at me and saw that I had just gotten it. She grabbed my hand and I honestly am not even sure what she said, but the peace that went all over me was consuming. before I knew it I was out and then waking up with BAD pain in the recovery room. Callan was here and safe and healthy.

I am amazed at how God orchestrated every thing that day. How even weeks before he began to gather every thing and every one for this moment. Three weeks earlier we were able to move Dad to Hendricks in Abilene. Mom and Dad were able to be here for this!! Dad got to hold his new grandson hours after he was born and my heart over flows. How thankful I am that He is in control and not me. How thankful we are as a family to have such an incredible doctor that went to God even before we began the event. How wonderful this crazy event was simply because God put us together with a doctor who believes that all his wisdom and skill comes from the Father and he knows that with out Him we are all nothing. We praise God for His grace!!! We praise him because He is worthy and there is no other who can compare to His glory, wonder, or excellence!!!

Oh God is good!!! He takes my ashes and makes the most beautiful gardens in my life. never have I ever know such mercy and grace and deserved it so little. I am starting to understand the expression, " Though He slay me yet I will serve Him!" What a glorious thing for Him to use the pain in our lives to His glory and prove to All those in our lives that He is supreme and deserves our all. Every day I am seeing a little more how death is the ultimate goal here. How crazy that I would try for so long to Live when all he needed was for me to be willing to die. WOW!!!

He Never Gives In

2011-12-04T11:26:00.001-06:00

On of my favorite songs is by David Crowder Band, He Never Gives Up. I am constantly being reminded that My God does not give in. No matter what obstacles seem to rise from the muck and mire of this world. this last week I was given yet another opportunity to prove to myself where my faith lies. I am pregnant and I am diabetic. Because of the combination I not only have a regular OB, Dr. Tadvick,( whom Mick and I absolutely love), but I also go to a specialist in maternal and fetal medicine, Dr. Maberry. We love both of our Dr.s and trust them with out hesitation. Two months ago Dr. Maberry told me that he felt that I should see a pediatric cardiologist juts to be on the safe side. My appointment was this last week. Callan got an over all A for structure and flow, but Dr. Day did find a small issue. The septum between the chambers of the heart are thicker than they should be. This makes it more cumbersome for the heart to pump blood in and out.

I will admit that i held together really well as he was explaining things to me. I smiled at the desk on the way out and said hello to the people coming into the building. I then picked up my phone and called my mommy. When I heard her voice a slew of emotions flooded me and I began to weep. I explained everything that Dr. Day had told me and she sweetly began to remind me that we kn ow the facts but we also know His truth. The truth is that I am the daughter of Lazarus and not only that I am a daughter of the king. He is in control of this life and there is nothing that I can do but trust Him and know that I know that I know...He will take care of my child and Callan will be born healthy and strong.

In other fronts Dad is doing better every day. he going to be moved to a special hospital that will prepare him for rehab. We are all excited and a little scared. The move is a huge leap forward, but then look what Dad and our God have accomplished already!! God is good all the time and I know that we will be seeing even bigger things to come. He never gives up on us and I we must make the choice that we will not give up the battle.

WOW!

2011-11-23T15:03:00.001-06:00

So it has been...I have no idea how long it have been since my last post. This last summer and fall have held tremendous trials, surprises, and blessing for us. Some much so that I will admit to being totally overwhelmed and blogging has not even been on the stove less alone the the back burner.

To make a very long story short my Daddy has been fighting for his life since May and my husband and I have taken over the business, their personal bills, and my grandmother. You can follow what has been going on at my facebook page @ http://www.facebook.com/keri.davidson . Please look at it the Journey that the Lord has led us on is like no other!!! Because of that I have had reevaluate what I am doing in my family, my life, my blog, and everything that I am a part of and touch. Nothing can be the same in my life and the life of my family ever again.

To add to all the fun that we have had , we found out in June that we would be making an addition to our family. In February we will be adding a boy, Callan Joseph and we could not be happier about it. It has been a difficult pregnancy and without the support system that we have had in the past, it has at times stretched me to lengths that I never thought were possible.

So with all of that in background let me share with you what I am hearing today and have through out this week. "What's it to you?!" There has been more stress and unorder in our lives this month alone than I can ever remember. We have had health issues, financial issues, and relationship issues. At times I felt that it was more than I could bare, but God has been abundant in grace and for the first time in my life I rely completely on Him. The What's It to You part has been really hard to deal with. If he chooses to take the life of my father what is it to me? If He chooses to stop the extra income that we have ( and when I I say extra I mean a couple of houses that I clean and that help us make ends meet.) what's it to me? If we have complications bringing Callan into the world, what's it to me? The reason I say what's it to me is what can I do about it? He is the one who holds my past, present, and future. He is one on control and this is His show. I am simply an instrument that He plays for His purpose and my prayer is that my sound is sweet and pleasing to Him in every way.

Working Through Trust

2011-05-23T11:08:00.001-05:00

There have been times over the years that I have said, "I will trust God in this matter." I really thought that I was being sincere about it. I thought that I had a handle on it. The truth is that I had no idea. I am learning that to say one thing and then put it into practice are two very different things.

One of my favorite verses has always been John 13:15 "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face." I always thought that I had a handle on it. I thought that I would be one of the first to stand and praise regardless. The truth is this though. I am a wreck a mess a complete and utter shamble of what I thought. How do I know this? Because He is teaching me what it means to really trust.

Websters say this of trust:

-NOUN

1. RELIANCE ON THE INTEGRITY, STRENGTH,ABILITY, SURETY,ETC., OF A PERSON OR THING; confidence.

2. CONFIDENT expectation of something ; hope

3. confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit; to sell merchandise on trust.

That is trust as a noun. I had never really thought of the word as a either a noun or verb.

-verb ( with out an object)

1. TO RELY UPON OR PLACE CONFIDENCE IN SOMEONE OR SOMETHING(USUALLY FOLLOWED BY IN OR TO): to trust in another's honesty; trusting to luck

2. to have confidence, hope: Things work out if only one trusts.

-verb ( with an object)

1. TO HAVE TRUST OR CONFIDENCE IN; RELY OR DEPEND

2. TO BELIEVE

3. TO EXPECT CONFIDENTLY; HOPE

When put this way I have found that I am very far off the mark. I too often say I trust you Lord, but do I CONFIDENTLY EXPECT? Have I simply learned enough of the religious gargin that I just spew it out just so everyone knows that I am on the same page with them? I have to answer YES.

For me I am learning trust. I am learning that I can expect and that I am not some step child that the Lord took in because he felt so sorry for me. He wanted me. He desperately fought and claimed me. Because of that I can trust. Because of that I can confidently expect.

Proverbs 13:12 tells us that "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

I must chose. Will I worry about what I can not change or will I gain confidence in knowing that it is beyond me and frankly, it's not my problem. I'm going to try to go with the not my problem...I am going to focus on what I can do and should do, which is to take everything with prayer and supplication before God. I am going to pray that He will place His desires in my heart and that I will be able to let go of the things that I once felt important. I am going to TRUST!

2010-10-26T15:45:00.000-05:00

I am planning on getting some fabric next week to start a few new projects. Until then, here is my take on Matilda Jane. I love it so! The close are effortless to make and yet they look so expensive. The pattern took me a while to figure out, but once I did It was really more simple than I had thought.

Until I start my next project...Make It Work Mama!!!

Lunch: Cheap and Easy

2010-10-23T16:24:00.006-05:00

So have to admit that I have been one of those moms who relies entirely too much on hot dogs and PB & J. I really wanted to make something for my little ones that they would eat and I would know was nutritious. So I looked in my freezer, pantry, and fridge. This is what I found:

Parmesan, Diced tomatoes, Margarine, Frozen chopped spinach,
Bacon ends, and angel hair pasta

I simply prepared my pasta as usual, drained it and tossed it with a little oil. I then put the tomatoes,
half of the bag of spinach and cut up bacon ends in a skillet. I let this cook on medium and put a load of laundry on. I came back and let it cook for around 15 minutes. I added water as needed.

To my surprise, Emma and Jack loved it!! Keep in mind that they are a whopping 22 and 9 months old. I never thought for a second that either would like the spinach, but they did!!

Jack even had seconds!
I promise to eventaully get better at documenting pictures and I will hopefully have a better camers soon as well.
Have fun making it work y'all!

Reality

2010-10-19T10:20:00.002-05:00

My sister who lives in Apple Valley has recently helped open my eyes. I have become pretty diligent lately in trying to stretch dollars and still keep my cutie pa tutti in the most recent styles. Trace really encouraged me to start sharing what I am doing even when I am simply trying to figure it out. So for now on, not only will I be writing about my family, but how we make it from day to day. I will include sewing, crafts, and food. Of coarse anything else that has opened my eyes, helped set a coarse, or simply made things easier!
Right now what I am loving are the designs of Matilda Jane!!
I Love the simplicity and whimsy.

Making changes

2010-09-02T06:54:00.000-05:00

My husband has recently decided to enroll in college and get his degree. I have to admit that as daunting and scary it may be, I am very excited! For years I and many in my family have told him that he is very smart. He has never believed us.
As he begins this journey I have become very aware that I owe him the duty of making our home a safe haven for him to come home to and a place where he can relax and still get his studies done. So today I begin trying to organize and get my home under control.

2010-08-24T12:51:00.000-05:00

2010-08-24T11:50:00.000-05:00

Jack is now 7 months old and we are a mere 4 months from Emma's 2nd birthday. Time has flown by. The days seem to be getting shorter even though the heat is still unbearable and I find myself in a quandary. There is a fire beginning to stir in my belly and simply being happy with getting by isn't doing so much for me anymore. I see it in Mick as well. For so long we have been simply making it and I think that we both see that we can and need to do better, if not for ourselves, for our children. I recently posted on face book what I wanted to do when I grow up and among those things was to run a marathon and finish a triathlon. Although I have no experience in running, biking, or swimming, it would be a great accomplishment for me. I want to do it I just need to come up with a game plan. First and foremost just simply starting to exercise again is at the top of the list. We shall see how it goes!
I know this. If I never start I will never finish.

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

2010-06-09T00:20:00.000-05:00

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates