Well, I wanna die

Local man sells baby on internet because he "needed money."

2021-05-19T21:03:00.001-07:00

Local theatre enthusiast, Fred Fard, admits that it was a "bad idea," after being arrested on 6 accounts of abuse and neglect to a minor. Fard also remarked that "The state's budget for the arts isn't what it used to be."

BREAKING NEWS! Local Idiots Rehash Old Blog. Onion is Not Pleased...

2021-05-18T12:57:00.005-07:00

Pervert carrot, and Onion adversary on the other hand appears to be VERY excited.

Local idiots seal the deal with Presidential handshake.

Breaking News: President Barack Obama does not possess a United States death certificate.

2016-10-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

The Clinton campaign took a turn for the worse when it was reported Sunday October 16, 2016 that her party's incumbent President—Barack Obama was unable to provide a valid United Stated death certificate when prompted to do so by local Trump supporters. When confronted with the issue, President Obama simply stated that he could not provide any form of a credible death certificate. When pressed by the media to explain how this was possible, the President went on record informing reporters that he is not dead, and therefore has no need for such a document. The news came as a shock to Trump supporters stating "any persons holding Presidential office must have record of a valid US death certificate." Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump is expected to leverage this groundbreaking revelation to secure his—quote, unquote—"imminent victory" in the race to the White House.

Local Pundit Karol Diggles is confident that the issue is a "gross misunderstanding" and assures local public that such a "minuscule detail" should not have any impact on the upcoming election.

Wu-Tang Clan to release 'Wu-Weather' Smartphone app.

2012-01-02T10:41:00.000-08:00

Local Hip-Hop expert, MC Arnold Tink says: "It's for drizzle, my nizzle."

This can't be good.

2012-01-01T10:33:00.000-08:00

Snowmen assemble rally for equal rights. Government says "snow way."

2011-12-07T08:52:00.000-08:00

At the hight of the Occupy Wall Street movement, local snowmen push to obtain normal constitutional rights, including the right to bear tree branch arms. Celebrity spokesperson for the movement, Frosty the Snowman, states: "No longer should we be forced to smoke corncob pipes, and wear old silk hats that make us begin to dance around!"

Government officials agree that the motion is "just another example of homeless freeloaders hoping to get a hand out." Motion vote fails 97-1.

Local OWS martyr, Michael Tike, dies protecting a political assembly in a field normally occupied by undisposed dog waste and homeless people.

2011-12-06T08:25:00.000-08:00

Local authorities state that "Mr. Tike was rubbish that the city has neglected to take out for years."

Due to recent recycling laws, State DA seeks a hefty fine from the city, stating: "If the city doesn't take recycling seriously, who will?" Rhetorical question remains unanswered.

Local toy is apathetic, children are not amused.

2011-07-09T14:21:00.001-07:00

Neighborhood hot shot, Pete Tuschy, finds the toy to be "boring," and "a tremendously unreliable source."

America mourns the loss of Columbo. Locals now forced to enjoy Yoplait.

2011-06-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

Local child saddened to learn that there will no longer be fruit on the bottom.

Local banshee faces charges of vandalism, destruction of private property, aiding and abetting acts of theft and looting, disturbing the peace, impersonating a super hero without proper permits, and copyright infringement.

2011-06-17T15:56:00.000-07:00

Prominent DA blames Hollywood for "glamorizing and condoning superhero behavior among impressionable adolescents."

Local exman/voiceover actor continues to staunchly reassure general public that "mutants are not a threat to humans."

Riverside real estate mogul, Buck Tupper, pulls listings and cancels showings after being attacked by angry salmon.

2011-06-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

Authorities suspect something "fishy" about incident as ocean view property sales skyrocket.

Rival realtor closes on 6th beach house this week. Denies any involvement in attack.

World's oldest high school senior dies during commencement.

2011-06-04T14:13:00.000-07:00

In his 70-year-enrollment at Dipper P. Goose High School, Ronald Tiggles was best known as the starting quarterback, teacher's pet, and Great Grandpa. He will be missed.

Medium sized child found in street. Larger sized child had "first dibs."

2011-06-03T17:40:00.000-07:00

Bird regrets missed opportunity.

Local man ignores several Cease and Desist letters from Mars, Inc., and continues to "Taste the Rainbow."

2011-06-01T16:28:00.000-07:00

Mars Inc. CEO expects an "exhausting and lengthy trial."

Local family adopts baby boy, but mistakingly brings home pine tree instead. Family deems blunder to be a blessing, as tree is very well behaved.

2011-05-31T23:39:00.000-07:00

Welcoming their new addition to the family are brothers, Paul & Dennis Schrimp.

Local resident, Chauncey Downs, casted as Macauley Culkin portaying Michael Alig in upcoming film "Potty Monster."

2011-05-31T20:50:00.000-07:00

An upset Culkin seeks solace in elderly neighbor after his performance is dumped on.

Local Popeye helps charity and dies.

2011-05-30T08:49:00.175-07:00

Local resident and full-time Popeye impersonator, Eugene LaPharfe, wowed donors at the Sweet Theresa Fundraiser this week during a dangerous performance involving the entertainer eating his own teeth. After his act, Mr. LaPharfe was immediately rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery to extract the teeth from his stomach. Although the procedure was a success, Mr. LaPharfe tragically passed away after falling down the stairs due to complications from the surgery.

Local Heavy Metal music enthusiasts find the world's largest invisible testicles.

2011-05-28T14:24:00.000-07:00

Officials confirm that no larger set of invisible balls have been submitted.

Jesus stands up the entire world. Millions of Christians are "bummed."

2011-05-21T16:10:00.000-07:00

Above: Local religion follower and self-proclaimed "cool uncle," Jason J. Jaye, waits for the Jesus as their casserole dinner gets cold.

Rapture was just kidding.

2011-05-21T16:02:00.000-07:00

Local realist, Quinton P. Nickels states: "I knew it was a joke the whole time."

Local dog found playing dead. Crybaby owner won't turn off the water works.

2011-05-09T11:24:00.000-07:00

Local neighbor says dog's owner is a "little baby poop head."

Mom & Daughter dream team memorialize their bond for Mother's Day. Childless divorcee and adoring fan provides the ink.

2011-05-08T20:27:00.002-07:00

Dream Team mother and daughter, Barbara & Tilly Tooter, signed a non-traditional blood pact to be "Forever honest, true, and loving to each other." With the Tooters being unable to draw their own blood, a long time fan of the small family came to the rescue. Local resident, Elaine Tayne, donated blood directly from her barren womb to the help consummate the Tooter’s special bond.

Although Ms Tayne is unable to reproduce or adopt children, she had this to say about the event: “My body and the state won’t allow me to have kids, but there’s always more than one way to give birth. Just like I gave birth to the joy and happiness the Tooters now share ”.

Local doctor, K. Upton Soppy, filed a request with the city to legally start performing non-child birth deliveries and related procedures after business hours. City Council is expected to vote soon on the matter.

Lil' Rambo at it again after refusing to play quietly. Residents flee town in record numbers.

2011-05-07T15:58:00.000-07:00

Boy claims "playtime is over."

Officials identify boy's sister Becca as potential accomplice. Neighbors state: "She was the only one who could ever play nicely with that boy."

Mercenary Mommy brought in by officials to end this nonsense.

McCallister family falls on hard times, parents forced to sell their home...alone.

2011-05-06T15:53:00.001-07:00

Local Bandits to submit generous offer.

Parents blame financial upheaval on sons decades of erratic and volatile behavior, over indulgent use of illegal drugs, irresponsible spending, and the film "My Girl."

Discipline guru is set to host conference for new dads at local hospital. All proceeds donated to The Sweet Teresa Fund.

2011-05-05T23:29:00.001-07:00

Dr. Ben B. Piper demonstrates how to establish immediate parental dominance with famous technique.

Ted Prunte claims to be at wit's end with newborn son. Father desperately seeks safe and legal means for setting precedence with bratty baby.