Werewolves Beating a Dead Horse

Freddy Vs. Jason

2013-07-18T13:25:00.000-04:00

Lean on me
when you're not strong
and I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
- Bill Withers

I haven't seen this movie since it came out and I remember hating it. Not just kind of hating it. Really really hating it. As in I wanted to smack it with a shovel, bury it, then watch it come back to life so I could have the pleasure of making it all dead once more.

Well, time must have softened me a bit because I didn't hate it as much when I recently watched it for a review, but it's far, far from good.

The plot (if one can actually call the thin thread holding everything together a plot) is that Freddy is trapped in the nightmare world and needs Jason Voorhees to bring him back somehow. This involves a bunch of teens, including Lori who lives in Nancy's old house but inexplicably doesn't know who Freddy is, and her friends who all exist so they can get killed. Eventually the plot becomes a fight between Jason and Freddy, but not before we're all a bit bored and annoyed.

So Freddy vs. Jason. Who wins?

Jason. Jason wins.

Okay, let's clarify. There is no clear winner, even the ambiguous ending let's us know that. But I'm talking about who wins the movie. And Jason wins. This sounds like a strange thing coming from a girl who loves her some Nightmare and could care less about Friday the 13th (See my taken on F13 movies in the Friday the 13th Marathon Experiment).

So why Jason? Jason is bigger, more terrifying and more interesting in this movie than he ever was in any of the Friday the 13th movies. I know there were a lot of people upset that Kane Hodder didn't play him this time around. I understood. But here's the thing, you don't miss him. He's played this time by stunt guy Ken Kirzinger (who did a Jason stunt in F13 Part 8 by the way) and he makes a wonderful Jason. He's big, he's hulking, he's threatening and also sort of weirdly sympathetic. When he's being scolded by his mother (a trick by Freddy) he manages to convey an odd sort of pathos, even through the mask, with a tilt of the head, a look in the eyes and a slump of the shoulders. Heck, at one point he transforms back into his little deformed kid self and it's actually sad to watch. Ironically, that doesn't make him any less scary. It just adds a little more depth to his character.

Freddy on the other hand is anything but sympathetic, as well he shouldn't be. He was a child killer and there's no redemption there. So that's fine, he's supposed to be bad. But he's so obnoxious and talks so much here that I wasn't so much scared as wishing he would shut the hell up. Don't get me wrong, I love Robert Englund, but here he's playing Freddy like he did in Part 6 - all talk, no substance and absolutely not scary. Sorry Freddy, you know I loves ya, but Jason is outclassing you here...which is weird. Interestingly enough, Jason also has the better make-up, which is again...very weird.

The kids are universally terrible, especially Monica Keenan's Lori, who we're supposed to feel for, but just is so annoying you'd wish Freddy would shut up and skewer her already. These are kids who go to a rave to dance and party after their friend was violently murdered and snapped in two the night before. They're obnoxious, they're useless, and you want them dead. The only bright spot in this mess is Brendan Fletcher, who plays escaped teen mental patient Mark Davis - a guy who has encountered Freddy before and wants to help stop him before he kills again. He's a fun character who you actually would like to see survive. Of course he doesn't, but you kind of root for him while he's still around.

So I didn't hate this movie as much as once did, and that's not quite a glowing recommendation because I still hated it. And this concludes my Nightmare on Elm Street Marathon Experiment. So what have I learned? Well that Freddy is best when he's scary and the Nightmare movies that worked best are the ones that focus on the kids. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back and watch the original Nightmare on Elm Street - Freddy at his finest.

Oh, and if you're wondering about the re-make you can read my thoughts on it in a segment I call The Live Blogging of a Crap Horror Film.

Nighty-night all and sweet dreams....

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Jason calmly walking through the corn rows at the rave whilst on fire and butchering any teen that falls into his path.
Jason's house which is brilliant - with rotting corpses and swampy atmosphere. It looks like a place the big lug would call home. And it looks like it would smell. Badly.
The coma patients in the mental ward, suddenly sitting up and pointing Freeburg to the Hypnocil. It's creepy and effective, which is something the rest of the movie lacks.
Jason coming out of the water, holding Freddy's head - which winks. Nice.

Fun Facts Kids!

Katherine Isabel (Gibb) refused to do nudity, so a body double was used for her shower scene.
Freddy only kills one person in the movie. The rest of the kills are all Jason's.
Even though Ken Kirzinger is a professional stuntman, the movie makers still insisted on using a stuntman for him in a few scenes.
The original ending had Lori and her love interest Will about to have sex for the first time, when he rises up with a claw and kills her. (I saw it on the extras and let's just say...they were wise to cut it.)

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

Wes Craven's New Nightmare

2013-05-15T10:01:00.000-04:00

I never was the kind to sleep light
but then I never had these kind of nights
Something evil watching over me
And I'm afraid this ain't no fantasy
- 213

Is it over? Is it really over? Of course not, nothing is over (until it becomes unprofitable) so fans asked for it. And they got it. But I'm kind of unsure what they got at this point.

I have to admit, I don't think I'd ever sat through this movie before, although I'd seen bits and pieces it never seemed to hold my interest. I'm glad I sat through it this time, but it still took a concerted effort. We start off with a nifty little dream sequence featuring a Freddy special effect gone terribly wrong and a rude awakening via an earthquake. There we meet the beautiful Heather Langenkamp playing herself, her husband Chase (David Newsome) and their little kid Dylan (Miko Hughes, the creepy child from Pet Semetary.) But all is not well in the household. Poor Heather is being stalked by someone leaving Freddy calls, and, as it turns out, Freddy himself may actually be real as the pages of a script for an upcoming Nightmare movie are, apparently, writing themselves.

New Nightmare was written and directed by Wes Craven and marks his return to the dead franchise. And it's obvious Wes loves the character that he created and that he wanted to bring NOES back to it's scary roots. I applaud that. Good for him. The issue I have is that this is a movie that takes itself seriously. No, wait....very seriously. Extremely, extremely extremely seriously. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. More on that later.

First let's talk about Heather. She looks fabulous here and seems comfortable playing herself, but she isn't given a whole lot to do in the script. She starts out by worrying and fretting, continues to worry and fret and finally ends with her screaming a lot whilst worrying and fretting. I can understand this, as she seems to live in a place where earthquakes occur daily, and the original Nightmare on Elm Street plays on TV 24/7 but it would be nice to see her have a few happy family moments before all the craziness begins.

Apart from Heather we also get to see a couple of NOES actors playing themselves. There's John Saxon (who hasn't aged a day since the first movie), and of course Robert Englund, whose in a few small scenes, the most memorable being one where he's talking to Heather on the phone while painting a disturbing picture right out of a nightmare. Tuesday Knight from Part 4 and Nick Corri from the original also show up briefly during a funeral scene.

Well, what about Freddy? He looks...different. I mean, I know what the make-up people were going for. And even though it's an uncredited Robert playing him here, he looks nothing like him. Which is good, the better to make Freddy a character completely separate from Robert Englund. I get it. But the make-up is just...bad. It's kind of like Jason 2.0 in Jason X. Sure it's modern, but that doesn't make it better. The green hat and trench coat have got to go. Freddy in leather pants is just plain wrong. And can you say "bone claws?" Sorry Wolverine, but it looks like Freddy stole your schtick. Oh Freddy, you were far more contemporary in a dirty green and red sweater and old fedora. Fire your stylist.

Oh, and the story. The premise is great, Freddy is becoming real, Heather is freaking out and somehow her child is involved. But how is the child involved? Sometimes it appears as though Freddy wants to possess the kid. Then others he's using the kid to get at Heather. And then there's a stuffed dinosaur that Dylan feels protects him. Oh and the kid is sleep-deprived, talking to himself and growling like Freddy. I don't know, none of it made much sense. And...then there's the kid. Well kudos to Miko for growing up and staying out of trouble, unlike most child actors. He looks great today and every bit as cute as he did back then. But back then, every time he plays scared or evil, you kind of want him to shut up. It's more annoying than terrifying.

Let's get back to the "serious" problem. It's all well and good to want to make something less cheesy than the past ones. But this adds a whole lot of cheese on top of cheese that is in essence, humorless. Okay, Heather having to go through all these ordeals at once is somewhat believable and she handles it well. But her kid playing in traffic, while a gigantic animated claw dangles him is just plain stupid. As is the "looks like taffy" tongue wrapping itself around Heather/Nancy trying to kill her. And Freddy trying to "eat" Dylan is one of the worst special effects moments in the series. Yeah I said it. It's dumb. But it's played serious. Why?

There are little nods to the original. "Screw your hallpass!" and the babysitter death in the revolving room for example. But they have little to no impact except for the audience to say "Hey I remember that from the original" so they're pretty useless.

So this is the last one (not counting the remake). Should you watch it? Sure, why not? If only to see Heather. But will you enjoy it? Jury's out on that one. Your call.

And that concludes my canon-style review of the NOES series!
Oh wait. I forgot Freddy vs. Jason.
Crap.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Wes Craven explaining to Heather that he wants her to play Nancy one last time. And the script that's writing itself to include their conversation.
It's nice to see Robert Englund as Robert Englund. I wish we could have seen more of him though.
John Saxon calling Heather, Nancy. And Heather realizing...she IS Nancy. And suddenly she's in her PJ's in front of Nancy's home. Creepy.

Fun Facts Kids!

Heather Langenkamp's real life husband is a special effects artist.
Miko Hughes still has the sewed up version of Rex.
The PJ's Heather wears and the jacket John Saxon wears when he becomes Nancy's dad were from the original movie. Wes Craven had kept them all those years.
The tongue phone scene used the same type of mechanism they used for the original tongue phone scene.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare

2013-04-29T13:14:00.000-04:00

NOTE: TO THE SPAMMERS WHO KEEP ON COMMENTING UNDER THIS PARTICULAR POSTING - THEY'RE NOT GETTING THROUGH AND YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME. BUT THANKS FOR THE TRAFFIC! LOSERS!

We can deal with rockets and dreams
But reality, what does it mean
Ain't nothing said
Cause Freddie's dead
- Curtis Mayfield

Oh dear. Oh my stars. Oh...crap. How could the death of an classic horror icon be handled so terribly. I am truly offended. In fact, this movie was so bad, I wrote a letter expressing my disappointment, shock and awe which I have reprinted here in all of it's glory (although it arrived about 12 years too late.)

Sept, 13, 1991

Dear People Who Made This Crapfest:

I am thoroughly disgusted by your movie. I have come to expect a certain amount of cheese from your waning franchise, it's true. But this...this abomination...well, it turns my stomach. I mean, what did you do to Freddy?

Not only is he not funny, he's not scary. You could have had him be one or the other or a nice combination of both, but instead you chose "none of the above." Freddy breaks the 4th wall constantly, his make-up is the worst it's ever looked, and frankly I think he bought all of his props from ACME. To put it best: This is a Looney Tunes cartoon and Freddy is Wile E. Coyote.

And his lousy death scene, well...let's just say that I think that CGI fad will soon be going away. I mean I don't see it continuing on in 1992 and beyond.

Anyways here's a list of things that really pissed me off:

Lisa Zane looks like she belongs in an episode of L.A. Law, not a horror film
That video game sequence was just plain stupid with Spencer hopping all over the place. And the Power Glove? Really?
Okay, Johnny Depp is dreamy, but why did you have Roseanne and Tom Arnold in there?
Freddy should not have a kid.
Freddy should not have had a kid.
Did I mention that Freddy should not had/have a kid? C'mon the guy killed children! He was the solitary loner who lived in boiler room and slashed little bodies. Not the suburban guy on a well-manicured lawn. Get real.
Come to think of it, the fair-haired kid didn't even look like exotic Middle-Eastern looking Maggie, who in turn couldn't look less like Robert Englund.

Finally what the hell do 3-D glasses have to do with the dream world? The 3-D didn't add anything and made no sense. Gee, I hope that's trend that will never come back. I mean I can't imagine them in 2010 and beyond using that hackneyed trick. It's so dated. Unlike acid wash overalls, which are totally here to stay, Mark my words.

Okay I'll admit, there were a few things I liked:

Carlo's death with his hearing issue was kind of cool , I guess.
The map scene was kind of fun.
The kid-free town had a nice spooky feel, even if it wasn't believable.
Um....Johnny Depp's skin looked great? Yeah I got nothing else.

So thanks, filmmakers. You ruined the end of a perfectly good franchise. And I'll bet they'll never ever, ever, ever, going to make another Nightmare on Elm Street film after this one. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go see this band called Nirvana. I hear they're pretty good.

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. Poor Freddy deserved a better send-off than this. And now he's dead. Never to return...

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

The opening dream sequence on the plane which reminded me a little bit of Final Destination.
Hey! It's Johnny Depp!
Hey! It's Alice Cooper!
Teen Freddy who was actually scarier in this one than adult Freddy.

Fun Facts Kids!

Nintendo would not give the filmmakers the rights to use the power glove. They used it anyway.
If you want to see what Lezlie Dean (Tracy) looks like now, watch her in the Never Sleep Again Documentary. Wow. Just...wow.
Lisa Zane submitted a song for the end of the movie that didn't make it.
A young upstart by the name of Peter Jackson wrote a very interesting script that was intelligent as it was imaginative. It (sadly) wasn't used and instead we got this.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment

Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child

2013-04-08T20:45:00.001-04:00

Having my baby
What a lovely way of saying
How much you love me
- Paul Anka

And so the nightmare continues...canon-style with the fifth (and probably least remembered) of the series: The Dream Child.

This is one of the movies that people kind of forget about. It didn't do too well in the theaters and fans of the series really don't claim it as one of the best or one of the worst. However, it's actually not a bad movie. What I'm going to say may be a little controversial and maybe even a bit heretical to you NOES fans, but I have to say it. I liked this better than Part 4. And I think I know why. But first, a synopsis.

Alice once again returns as our main heroine and everything is going super-duper awesome in her life. She is joined by "major league hunk" Dan, her now-boyfriend and a group of totally new friends...er....victims because life is too short to think of all those that died brutally in the last film! Whee! And she's graduating! Of course, all that changes when she predictably starts having dreams again. Oops. And...she finds out she's pregnant. And...Freddy wants her child. I guess to be reborn, or to live through his dreams or something. It's never fully stated. But let's just say bad things are happening to the new mama.

Let's start with what the film has going for it. This movie looks good. It looks like the set designer had a field day. The cinematography and the set designs are spectacular, especially the mental hospital where Freddy's Mother was raped and the M.C. Escher-inspired stairways during the climax. From viewing it, it's obvious that somebody actually gave a damn when it came to creating this world.

But....you can only see so much "pretty" before you begin to notice the flaws. Mainly, with the rest of the movie. There's not much of a story and you could drive a mack truck through the holes in what little plot there is. Also, these kids just exist to be slaughtered. Okay, fine, we already knew that. But none of Alice's friends suffer from the sheer exhaustion the others felt in earlier movies. No one believes Alice about Freddy so they can sleep at night just fine. So why do they keep on accidentally falling asleep? Dan falls asleep while driving, although he looked perfectly awake in the scene before. Greta falls asleep during a large dinner party, but....she didn't appear tired before. Yvonne falls asleep in a small pool, but she'd just finished diving so she would have been wide awake.

All that makes no sense but then again, neither do most of the scenes. This whole movie is just a patchwork of visual images. In fact, everyone associated with this movie admits that everything was made up on the fly and it shows. There wasn't much of a working script so they just threw everything in the kitchen sink and no one knew what was happening from day to day. It works in some ways and in others, it doesn't. I mean, there is definitely a lot of creativity in this one. And I certainly wasn't bored, but....I wasn't compelled either. Freddy wasn't so much a threat as an afterthought. And since I didn't know what the heck he was trying to do with Alice's baby, I wasn't on the edge of my seat. But at least I was more entertained than I was by The Dream Master, which made me yawn throughout.

I may like this one because of the extra cheese. I mean most of this movie is downright silly. Greta's "overeating" for example with the ultra-fake prosthetic. Freddy's birth where he apparently becomes the "It's Alive" baby, which doesn't make sense since Freddy wasn't deformed before he was burned. And of course, there's Super Freddy. With a...lightening bolt across his chest? I don't know. Let's just say it was creative enough to be fun to watch, but scary or suspenseful? Nah. You won't find it here. And I'll admit, the ending was just plain stupid. But it's still insanely watchable.

Suffice it to say, I really didn't like Part 4, but I found this one less boring and a little more fun, which suited me just fine since I didn't expect much anyways.

It's still not the worst of the bunch, but we all know which one that is....Part 6. I'm looking at you.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Alice's nightmare of being a nun trapped with a thousand maniacs...
Dan's motorcycle scene, which was somewhat cheesy but looked damned cool.
Mark's "Take On Me" moment when he's dragged into a comic book.
The creepy little kid who shows up from time to time to remind Alice she's pregnant. With him.

Fun Facts Kids!

One of the writhing bodies in the opening sequence belonged to the buff actor who played "Super Freddy".
Although it looked like Mark entered a black and white world, most of the scene was actually not filmed in black and white. Rather, the set was painted to look that way and wardrobe gave him colorful clothes to stand out.
The laugh at the end of the movie before the final credits was actually Vincent Price's laugh from Michael Jackson's Thriller.
Almost all of the death scenes had to be cut quite a bit to avoid an "X" rating.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment

Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

2013-03-18T14:05:00.003-04:00

Okay, what is it tonight?
Please just tell me what the hell is wrong?
Do you want to eat?
Do you want to sleep?
Do you want to drown?
- Dramarama

The Nightmare marathon continues with the 4th installment of the series: The Dream Master. And I hate to say it, but this is kind of the one that jumped the shark. I mean, if you disregard Part II (and many people do) NOES wasn't doing too badly up until this point.

It's not that Part 4 is extremely bad. It's just not that good.

We begin with Kristin, who has changed so much that she's actually morphed into another actress. She's having those dreams again. You know, those dreams. And she wants Kincaid and Joey to believe that Freddy is back. Luckily all the suicide attempts are behind them and they all go to the same school which is convenient. With the surviving trio are Kristin's new friends - mousy Alice, Alice's brother Rick, slutty Debby, brainy Sheila and dreamboat Dan.

The main character becomes clear a bit later in this sequel as the friends start dying in droves and daydreamy Alice begins to take on the characteristics of each one. And she uses all those traits to take on Freddy. Of course.

So where to begin with this one? The characters are okay I guess but they were just there to die essentially. The movie actually gets rid of the surviving three pretty early on, which is sort of bitter sweet because I actually liked Kincaid and Joey. Tuesday Knight as the new Kristin though was off. Yeah, Patricia Arquette's acting was a bit wooden at times but she had a real presence. This girl was just...there. Alice is okay but she's no Nancy. Same for the rest of the cast. They're okay. Their acting isn't bad, just okay. The whole thing was just...okay.

The dreams? Well, they showed creativity. A little too much creativity. Debby turns into a partial roach with roach arms inside of a roach motel. Rick takes on an invisible Freddy in a martial arts fight. I mean, they're okay to watch but no one really dreams like that. And each dream is telegraphed ahead of time. Okay, you have asthma? Guess how you die. You don't like roaches? Guess what. Meh.

And okay, as I always ask, what about Freddy?

All of the time I was watching this movie, I knew there was somebody Freddy reminded me of and then it hit me. Freddy was the Wicked Witch of the West. No, seriously. His features are much more angular than before, he practically rubs his hands in glee at every evil thought. Heck, he even cackles every time he kills a victim. And believe me, a line reminiscent of "How about a little fire Scarecrow" follows each and every death. Freddy is more like a comic book villain than an actual threat. And without the fear, Freddy really isn't Freddy.

I knew what Renny Harlin (in his first feature directorial debut) and the writers were going for but they just didn't get it. Part III had shown that Freddy could be funny AND frightening. Here, he's reduced to the class clown. Yeah, you may laugh at him a bit, but you know he's capable of so much more and that makes one sad.

Sadly, I think this was the beginning of the end for the franchise. But we'll see with Part 5....

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Oh Joey, don't you ever learn? Dames ain't nothing but trouble.
Robert Englund in drag. Who looks like one thing. And that is Robert Englund in drag.
That awesome Dramarama song.
Alice and Dan's loop de loop dream and the feeling they'd done this before....

Fun Facts Kids!

The opening song "Running from this Nightmare" was sung by Tuesday Knight.
The martial arts sequence was supposed to be longer and more involved but they ran out of budget.
The diner Alice works at is the Crave Inn. Get it?
Toy Newkirk's mouth to mouth with Robert Englund was her first onscreen kiss. And his Freddy dentures fell into her mouth on the first take.
One of the naked souls in Freddy's chest was played by horror favorite Linnea Quigley.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment

Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

2013-03-06T14:52:00.002-05:00

We're the dream warriors
Don't wanna dream no more
We're the dream warriors
Maybe tonight you'll be gone
- Dokken

Ask Nightmare fans which is their favorite of the series and without a doubt you'll generally hear "the first and the third." There's a good reason for this. The first movie was an instant classic with a series-ready monster and a creative storyline. Dream Warriors plays off the original beautifully with a welcome return of a familiar character, imaginative dream sequences, a return of the iconic theme music, and most of all, a wonderful cast featuring likable (and relatable) kids.

The movie begins by wisely disregarding Part II as we are quickly introduced to Kristin (a haunted Patricia Arquette) who is having simply awful dreams. Her 'rich bitch' Mother doesn't understand and refuses to take her seriously until a failed suicide attempt (actually a Freddy attack) which winds Kristin up in a mental ward with other kids who are mysteriously having nightmares as well. Turns out, they're the last of the Elm Street children and Freddy wants to finish what he started. With the assistance of a helpful doctor and a new wunderkind grad student, the kids must use their dream powers to stop Freddy once and for all while wrestling with their own personal demons. Not an easy feat.

Oh and the grad student is Nancy! Nancy's back! Yeah!

Okay, let's start with the cast. So, generally in my horror reviews, I'm focusing on the monsters, rather than their victims. In fact when doing my F13 Marathon Review, I pretty much glossed over the characters. But this ain't no Friday movie. Dream Warriors follows the formula of the first one, with literally no weak kids in the cast. Aside from good girl Kristin, we have tough guy Kincaid, mute Joey, sleep-walker Phillip, ex-druggie Tarin, wheelchair bound Wil, and Jennifer, an actress wannabe whose looking for her big break on TV. And boy does she get it. And of course, there's Nancy, who has seen this all before and knows what the kids are going through. She has matured a bit during her time away, and has an almost motherly influence on the teens who don't really know what they're up against. All of these characters are smart and well-acted with individual characteristics and all have a touchingly human side usually lacking in horror movies.

Also like the first movie, NOES 3 uses the kids to make Freddy even more horrifying as he preys upon their fears and weaknesses in malicious, sadistic and frankly twisted ways. Case in point, I DARE you not to wince during the vein puppet scene. It can't be done. I tried. But seriously, because the audience empathizes with the characters so damn much, every single death scene packs a powerful punch. This is what some of the other Nightmares forget, you shouldn't want the kids to die. In fact, the movie also plays cleverly with the audience's emotions by killing off some characters you don't expect to die, and saving others you did. The fact that the "horror movie rules" are thrown to the wind adds some tension to the whole proceedings and makes Freddy more frightening and even more unpredictable.

So yeah, yeah the kids. Nancy. We get it. What about Freddy?

Well Freddy is back with a vengeance in this one - although he definitely has a stronger sense of humor now, with clever quips and the warped sense of humor that the character has become known for. But unlike some of the following sequels, it's done with just the right amount of balance between comedy and horror. As for Robert, well, Robert is awesome as usual and while he may not look as scary as he did in the first or second one, the character is still just as frightening. The way Freddy has learned to toy with his victims is the stuff nightmares are made of. He must have been taking courses during his downtime.

So yes, this is why many people say "the first and the third" and as a "first and third" girl myself, I totally understand. It ain't perfect and the movie loses a tiny bit of steam at the end, especially when it focuses on Dr. Gordon, who is one of the weaker characters in the cast. Also I could have done without Freddy's skeleton prancing around. But I guess the writers had to come up with an ending somehow, and it doesn't really distract from what is overall, a pretty solid film. So I'll let it pass.

Oh and Nancy. Sob, sniff. RIP babe. You did it! You beat Freddy once and for all! Well....until Part 4....

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Nancy's back!
Any of the death scenes really but the vein puppet and "Welcome to Prime Time bitch!" ones definitely top the list.
Group therapy where the kids realize they're in a dream and find their dream powers.
Gah Kristin! Why don't you listen to your Mother's decapitated head!!!!
Nancy's Dad's Back!!
Joey finally finding his "voice."

Fun Facts Kids!

Patricia Arquette's first film.
The "Freddy snake" was originally pink but the color made it look too "phallic" so he was painted a darker color.
Dick Cavett requested to interview Zsa Zsa Gabor in the TV dream sequence because he told the director she was one of the stupidest people he'd ever known and wanted her to be killed.
The sexy nurse who tempts Joey was originally supposed to turn into Freddy Krueger, with her head on the actress's topless body. The effect not only looked incredibly silly but the director realized no one could play Freddy other than Robert and the idea was scrapped.
The pig on the dinner table who roars at Kristin was an actual pig carcass the special effects guys had bought and let rot to get the proper effect cheaply.
The car that contains Freddy's bones is supposed to be the same car from the end of the first NOES.
The movie poster was created before casting was completed, which is why the characters in the poster don't resemble the actors.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment

Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge

2013-02-22T14:15:00.002-05:00

The souls of your friends
You and I will claim
You've got the body
And I've got the brains
- DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince

Sometimes a sequel is better than the original - like how the Wrath of Khan beat out the first Star Trek movie by a solid mile. However, this usually isn't the case with horror movies. True, virtually all sequels in all genres are cash grabs. But Nightmare on Elm Street 2 is the ultimate cash grab. No heart, no soul...no brains. And it was in definite need of a Nancy, and perhaps a Wes. I went into this one remembering how much I didn't like it and nothing has changed.

Good looking young kid Jesse moves into the Nightmare house and begins having strange dreams about a killer in a dirty red and green sweater with claws on one hand. Yep, Freddy's back y'all. But Freddy isn't really out to kill Jesse - rather he decides he needs a new body and that Jesse looks good enough to possess. And with that, it's up to Jesse's pretty girlfriend Lisa to save the day - with the power of love.

Let's start with the smartly dressed elephant in the room. This movie....Well....um. It's not that it's openly...(not that there's anything wrong with that...Oh heck y'all are going to make me say it.

It's a gay male's fantasy.

There is a strong gay subtext running through the whole thing. A PE teacher gets his bare bottom smacked. Jesse wrestling with Grady, pulling down his pants in the process. Jesse dancing around his room to a chick song whilst wiggling his bottom. Oh, and also running from his pertty girlfriend to stay the night with his guy friend instead. And those are the more subtle ones. Anyways, the whole thing was covered quite extensively in the great documentary "Never Sleep Again - The Elm Street Legacy" and if you're a fan of the series or even if like only one or two of them, it's a 'must have'. In it,the actors in Part 2 point out the gay subtext quite readily (and hilariously). The director...well...he still doesn't see it. At least that's his story and he's sticking to it. Funny since it's so prevalent.

Now that that's out of the way, (ahem) let's talk about the movie. It's a disappointment.

First of all the good. Freddy. Freddy looks TERRIFIC. The make-up artist followed the form of the first movie, but made Freddy look positively demonic with glowing red eyes and skin that seemed to have been burned by the fiery depths of hell itself. He is wonderful and Robert, ever the professional, is amazing. Freddy hasn't been wimpified since the first one. In fact, in defeat, he's gotten stronger. And he's ever bit as terrifying as the first. He isn't played for laughs just yet and that's a good thing.

Now for the bad. Everything else. There.

Okay, maybe I should elaborate. Jessie is a likable kid, and Mark Patton a capable actor, but he's far too wimpy to fill Nancy's shoes. In fact, his girlfriend has to do all the dirty work while he frets, moans and whimpers. I didn't buy Jesse and Lisa's relationship since they seemed more like a brother and sister than an actual couple. Their friends weren't sympathetic or fun to watch - they were emotionally disconnected from the whole affair and then there are the dreams.

A ton of the action doesn't even take place in dreams. In fact when Freddy crashes the pool party, arguably a fun moment, no one is dreaming. How is he there? Why is there? Did he simply want a hot dog? The kids are very much awake when he comes through so we're not sure how he got into the real world. It's great to see Freddy go hog wild and slash up kids left and right - he's the fat guy at the all-you-can-eat buffet. But since we don't care about nameless kids it's just not scary. The serious lack of dreaming takes out all the surrealness of the original. Like I said, a disappointment.

So yes, this was filmed with the intention of making a few bucks. Admittedly, according to box office numbers it succeeded, but it failed just about everywhere else. The whole thing is silly and unnecessary which is a shame because Robert's Freddy was in his glory here. Sadly, the rest of the movie just couldn't catch up.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Eek! It's a parakeet!
Jesse's booty dance which has to be seen to be believed.
You've the the body - I've got the brains. A wonderfully scary moment in an unscary film.
The PE teacher's death by...um...balls.
Run Frankie! Run Annette! It's a pool party massacre!

Fun Facts Kids!

Robert Englund wanted more money so they replaced him with a stunt man. After starting the shoot with the new actor it became obvious that no one could replace Robert and he was brought back in.
And yep, that's Robert England sans Freddy make-up driving the bus in the opening sequence.
Mark Patton is gay but wasn't open at the time this movie was filmed. He soon after left Hollywood due to perceived homophobia.
Look for New Line honcho Robert Shaye as a bartender in a gay leather bar.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment

Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

2013-02-14T14:49:00.002-05:00

One..two, Freddy's coming for you
Three..four, better lock the door
Five..six, grab a crucifix
Seven..eight, better stay up late
Nine..ten, never sleep.....again
- Creepy Little Jump-Roping Girls

My Nightmare Marathon begins with one of the true, great classics.  The original. Accept no subsitutes. ; )   Full Disclaimer: This one of my favorite movies of all time and yes, I may be a little bias. But hell, it's just awesome.

For the two of you who have never seen it, here's a quick recap. Pretty girl-next-door Nancy and her friends Glen, Rod and Tina have all started having the same dream about a killer in a red and green sweater with claws on one hand. Gore and mayhem ensue. I don't think I need to recap more than that. It's too well-known.

So there's a lot to cover here but let's start with the characters. This is one of those movies where oddly enough, you root for ALL of the kids - and while that has a lot to do with the writing and directing, the actors do the bulk of the work. Tina could have easily been another bimbo character who gets knocked off in the first part of the film, but instead she's sympathetic as a girl who just hasn't lived that great a childhood due to a trashy upbring. Her boyfriend Rod isn't some jerk meathead, instead, he's a tragic figure who is torn apart by his inability to save Tina. Depp is pretty, no doubt about it, but his character Glen genuinely loves Nancy and shows the absolute confusion a high school boy would once his seemingly normal girlfriend starts going a bit whacko.

And let's talk about Nancy.

Most of you regular readers of my blog know I love to talk about the monster. But truth be told, this isn't Freddy's film. Nope. This film belongs to Nancy. But before you start spitting at your computer screen, sending me ugly hate mail or kicking Muffy the cat in frustration - let me explain. Freddy is horrible, yes. But one of the reasons he's so horrible is because the heroine is so..not. Nancy is an everyday high school girl next door type, you know, the one who sat next to you in math class. But she's also a bit more. When problems need to be solved, this girl-next-door will cut a bitch if necessary. She's into survival. And let's face it, her parents are pretty much useless, so she's used to fending for herself. And she's the only one with enough gumption to take on Freddy once his claws come a-tearing.

Now, let's talk Freddy.

Freddy is the scariest monster. Forget all the joke-cracking, cracking-wise Freddies of the later movies. This Freddy doesn't do that. Yes, he likes to toy with his victims a bit, but this Freddy is blue collar all the way. Is he clever? Sure. Does he prey on his victims before dispatching them? Yes. Is he a lovable nut? Nope. This guy just wants to kill.  Robert Englund plays the part to such perfection that it's near impossible to imagine another actor playing the part in this movie. He's frightening, his face is burned (and he has arguably the best make-up in this one), his clothes are distinctive, his hat is dirty. His claws look homemade. He IS Freddy and this first movie for me is the DEFINITIVE Freddy. He wants to kill you. And he will.

Finally, let's talk dreams. Dreams are weird. They might be as symbolic as a hot dog falling into a donut hole or as odd as a pound of cheddar attacking you, but it's okay because you are wielding the magic dog collar of doom. Okay, my dreams are weird, but you get the point. This is the only Nightmare I remember in which the nightmares were....well, real nightmares. Inexplicably, a goat crosses the street in front of you, a rose trellis falls on your face and you wake to find it's not there, your legs are stuck and you're unable to move. We've all had strange things that happen to us in dreams like that, and the fact that these dreams are so well-realized shows that Wes Craven and the gang really knew what having a nightmare felt like.

Yes, you can find fault with this movie if you try. Heather's acting is a little wooden from time to time but it doesn't distract from her wonderful character. Ronee Blakely's over-the-top performance may be off-putting to some but it's fun how awesomely quotable she is. And a lot of people have trouble with the ending but I love it. After all, nightmares don't wrap up their storylines in neat packages before you wake. They don't have an ending.

Just from the beginning of my review, you can tell the love I have for the film. I could go on and on about the music, the style, the plot. There are so many iconic moments in this film, it's hard to mention them all: Tina getting slashed in the rotating room, Tina in a body bag, the spray of blood from Johnny Depp's bed, Nancy answering the tongue phone, Freddy's face coming out of the wall. Ask any fan and they'll all have their favorite moments.  The cast is great, the story is imaginative and this has the original Freddy as he was meant to be: down, dirty and killer. All a horror movie fan can ask for. Until Part II, pleasant dreams....

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Tina's first dream which is so much like my own it's scary. You dream about goats too, right?
Ceiling death and the body splat!
Screw your hallpass!
I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy.
Okay, if it made the coroner throw up, you know Depp's death was bad.
The ending. I know people hate it but I just adore it. Dreams are weird, mmkay?

Fun Facts Kids!

Depp was cast at the insistence of Wes Craven's daughter who knew a good thing when she saw it.
The rotating room used for Tina's death was used later in Glen's death scene. The room turned when it shouldn't have and everybody got drenched in red water. A crew member was even electrocuted (but he was okay). Oddly enough it worked for the scene and they only did one take.
Charles Fleischer (Roger Rabbit) has a small part as the doctor in the sleep clinic.
Heather Langenkamp asked to take the tongue phone home with her - everyone was too polite to ask why.
Wes Craven wrote the movie after reading a news story about a kid who refused to sleep for days, thinking he would die. When his parents finally made him sleep, he died.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

The Nightmare on Elm Street Marathon Review Experiment

2013-02-04T10:23:00.002-05:00

Whenever I want you
All I have to do is
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam,
Dream, dream, dream

- Everly Brothers

My last marathon experiment involved watching and reviewing all the Friday the 13th movies - one right after the other. And yes, it started out with a bang but ended with a whimper as I wearily watched Jason cutting through teens like so much meatloaf. After all, they follow pretty much the same formula. And the later ones... well let's just say they weren't as good as the first.

So one astute reader threw this out there. Why not do a Nightmare on Elm Street experiment? Why not tackle everybody's favorite burnt, undead killer dreamboat?
And I have to admit, it would be a lot more fun. Granted I had already tore a hole in the new one in my Live Blogging of a Crap Horror Film which you can read here but it's been some time since I watched all of the NOES and I certainly never watched them in order.

So, this time around, Werewolves is going to review every Nightmare on Elm Street canon-style, even the silly ones. And it's all going to start with the best one of em' all: The Original Nightmare on Elm Street (1984).

Until then, try and stay awake. And remember...no running in the hallway....

We've Reached 10K!

2013-01-27T11:16:00.001-05:00

Just a huge thanks to the readers - Werewolves has reached 10,000 views!

This means something! This is happening! Actually it doesn't mean a damn thing but wanted to give a nice little nod to the readers. Y'all are my people. Thanks for reading and commenting.

The Fear

2013-01-21T14:36:00.000-05:00

Buried alive in the pine box
is my deepest fear
Morty's coming...
- Esham

First of all, let's get one thing straight. Yes, this movie was made in the '90s but this is NOT the Marky Mark/Reese Witherspoon cheese/angst fest. Nope. This is a totally different horror movie about something completely different. There. Now let's get another thing straight. I have no idea what the hell is going in it.

The Fear is one of those movies you want to like, and you kind of like but if people ask you why you like it, you'd say something like, "Well it totally sucked BUT..." Yeah. This is that kind of movie. It's a "it sucked but" movie.

We start off with a campus rapist that has nothing to do with the plot but then are introduced to our main character, Richard or as I call him Andy Garcia Lite. He is taking a few people with him to a cabin in the woods (yeah) for a thesis he's working on, the subject being fear. With him is his stoner friend Troy, his prissy girlfriend Ashley, Vance and Mindy - a cute couple who really don't look or act like a proper couple and along the way they pick up Troy's "sister" and her boytoy whose up to no good.

Once up there we get a jumpscare when Ashley opens a cupboard to find Morty - a life-size pinnochio type mannequin with eyes that seem to follow you around the room. They get to dicussing their greatest fears around Morty and surprise, surprise - bad things happen.

I'm a total sucker for evil doll movies as well as "Ten Little Idiots" movies where people are picked off one by one (and no idiots isn't a typo). So this movie has that going for it - but it's still almost a total waste. Many of the actors try gamely with what they are given, but there's simply no plot/character development. The committment/girlfriend thing between Andy Garcia Lite (or AGL as I will now call him) and Ashley is tired and played out. The rapist/mother/incest plot makes no sense at all, especially if you do the age math, and the "climax" of the film involves solving a puzzle (ala a skull-like Rubix cube thing) while AGL's legs are being dragged into a grave and Morty dances around and does nothing. Because solving the handheld puzzle abolishes AGL's inner demons. Or something. As I said, I'm still not quite sure what the hell happened.

In fact for a movie about fear, there doesn't seem to be much fear floating around. People's fears/demons are thrown around this way and that and due to some poor writing/editing, we really don't care. It's just another ridiculous thing that happens until the next ridiculous thing. Okay, here's a guy who says his Daddy was a preacher, he's been crucified. Hey there's that girl on the Christmas town train ride -oops, she's been raped. And what's up with what happened to AGL's Mom? What's up with the masks? What's up with, well, anything?

And then there's Morty.

Let's get yet another thing straight. Morty looks TERRIFIC. This was a guy who could have been the next Freddy Krueger in the right hands. Morty looks and moves like he's made out of wood and the actor gives him a wonderful menacing look solely with his eyes. This thing is damn scary. Which is why it doesn't make any sense to concentrate on the puesdo-pyscho babble when they should have concentrated on Morty. Morty could have had his own franchise - as it is, he's just another wasted opportunity.

So, in the whole "it sucks but..." scenario, what exactly is the BUT? Well as horrible as The Fear is, I found myself entertained by it all, enough to watch it a second time. I still had no idea what was going on but I never got bored, which for me, is the death knell of any horror movie. So for that and Morty, you may want to check it out. Just don't be surpised to hear yourself saying "it sucks but." And yes, I know how that sounds.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Diametric, Diametric, DIAMETRIC!
So Troy's sister is his mother? And she had him when she was 15? So why did she have a facelift if she's like, 35? Cause that's what it would make her. I suppose I just shouldn't think about it really. Forget it. My brain hurts.
The bimbo blonde throwaway character surviving the entire movie and her reaction. Seriously, that girl was entertaining.
Any scene with Morty. Damn you Morty!
The ending credits which gave us that awesome Esham song.
DEE-TROIT Represent!

Fun Facts Kids!

Wes Craven appears in a cameo as AGL's mentor/professor at the beginning and end of the film.
Diatmetric is an anagram of matricide. Funny how the mind works, huh?
Followed by a sequel - Fear 2: Resurrection which featured an entirely different (and considerably thicker) actor playing Morty.
Director Vincent Robert's first and last directorial effort.
The DVD is actually edited beyond belief with a couple of nude scenes and foul language (and even not so foul, like the word "ass") removed, even though it's listed as an R rated film. The only way to watch the original version is to find it on VHS.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

The Church

2013-01-01T17:38:00.001-05:00

Stopped into a church
I passed along the way
Well, I got down on my knees
and I pretend to pray
- The Mamas and the Papas

Italian horror movies can be a beautiful exercise in style over substance. One of my favorite movies, for example, Suspiria, is the perfect example of this. However, The Church doesn't quite know how to handle style and/or substance. It's a mess. A pretty mess. But a mess indeed.

The movie begins with some Templar Knights destroying a village and all the people within because they're "evil". Then they decide to build a Church over the dead bodies because, surely, no harm can come of that. Cut to modern times where we meet Evan, a suspiciously good-looking librarian on his first day of work at the Church. Evan is quickly greeted by Lisa - a suspiciously good-looking art restorer whose working on the Church. They have sex right away because that's what two suspiciously good-looking people in movies do to show they are suddenly in love.

But screw them, because this story isn't about them. In fact, I really couldn't even find the plot of the movie, even after two viewings. The problem with The Church is, it doesn't really know what it is. Heck, it can't even decide on a main character as Evan and Lisa are quickly thrown away after Evan is demonically possessed by...em..something when some seal is broken somewhere. Then we go into a totally different plot and the movie launches into Demons territory as a group of stereotypes of people we didn't know about and didn't care about are suddenly locked in the Church. They include: a school field trip group, a model who is vain about her face (guess what happens to her), an old woman and an old man, a biker couple, young Lotte - the daughter of the Church secretary, and Father Gus - a handsome guy who probably should have been the main character all along. Like Demons, weird things happen to them and most of them die but it's all of no import. No, really. No. Import. I mean it. At one point, the teacher is impaled against the stuck Church door, run through with spikes, and nobody blinks an eye. Heck, the characters can't be bothered to scream, why should I care? You would have thought a couple of her students might have had issue with this but maybe they were just happy to get out of that pop quiz.

And then there's the "Rosemary rip-off." Early on in the film, Lisa has a dream with musical cues taken almost directly from Rosemary's Baby complete with ticking clock. I noticed the similarity right away. But the MAIN rip-off happens when halfway through the film, she is raped by the devil. It is EXACTLY like Rosemary's Baby - people around her chanting, red stuff being painted on her body. The camera focuses on her eyes and the devil's - and yes he looks like the one in Rosemary's Baby. They even cover her face with a black cloth once she starts to scream - just like in that other movie. But why is she being raped? Does it have anything to do with the Church? Nope. Just another scene that's totally of no import. Like you have to ask.

The acting is a mixed bag, not that great due to some unfortunate dubbing but Father Gus and Lotte (a young Asia Argento) are the only ones who truly shine. In fact, Asia really steals every scene she's in. She's that good - even with the dubbed over voice, her facial expressions show every thought and emotion a young girl would have. The music is quite good too, very well done and it fits the movie well. But the star of the show has to be the set designs. The Church itself is beautiful - full of strong Italian design and gothic architecture. In fact, I found myself paying more attention to the background than what the actors were doing. Trust me, it's the only way to truly enjoy the film.

It's not totally unentertaining - but it does kind of drag and nothing makes sense. It's a mess but as I said, it's a pretty one. However, your mileage may vary.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Demon Evan tauting poor Lotte with a truly awful dubbing that has to be heard to be believed. "Did your TUMMY hurt?" Truly awful, but funny.
It's Rosemary's Baby! Nope, sorry, it's just The Church. Continue your rape scene. Don't let me disrupt the unholy union.
The old woman ringing the Church's bell with her husband's head. He had it coming.
Biker babe's face inexplicably turning to sand when she's smashing into a oncoming train.

Fun Facts Kids!

One of Asia Argento's first movies. Her father, Dario served as producer of the film.
Director Michele Soavi has an uncredited role as a policeman who shows up at Lisa's house.
The catchy theme music was written by movie music veteran Phillip Glass but was performed by Italian horror movie darlings Goblins.
The scene of the naked biker girl being carried off by the winged serpent was taken from a famous Boris Vallejo painting seen here.
If you get a Demons vibe from the movie, it was intentional. Initally the movie was supposed to be Demons 3 but several writers later the concept was changed.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

Black Christmas (1974)

2012-12-05T10:41:00.002-05:00

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You gave it away...
- Wham!

Well it's the happy holiday season again. The time when families and friends get together to celebrate the warmth love and joy that comes with the Christmas season. And what better way to celebrate than with one of my favorite holiday movies? You know the classic one where a demented killer terrorizes a group of sorority girls.

Well, you have your holiday traditions - and I have mine.

Filmed three years before Halloween, Black Christmas is one of those 'should be more popular movies than it is' horror films. It's as simple as Halloween, but just as terrifying and if possible, even scarier. The movie centers around a sorority house during the Christmas season. The girls have been getting crank calls from a fellow they call "the moaner" and although he's mildly disgusting, it seems like a harmless prank - until Clare, the good girl of the group goes missing and the killer's calls start to get a little bit more....threatening. That's when the real terror begins. Silent night, indeed.

Okay, yes there have been quite a few movies about hapless sorority girls getting killed but I guarantee you, none of them had the great actresses we have here. Our main girl Jess is played by Brit actress Olivia Hussy, who is wonderfully natural in her role and a young Andrea Martin who is just as good. Lynne Griffin, plays a convincing good girl (Clare) in sharp contrast to Barb the bad girl, (Margot Kidder) who lends just a touch of pathos to her character so that you really care about her. In fact Margot steals every scene she's in whether she's calling Clare a "professional virgin" or telling a dim-witted officer that her phone number exchange starts with F-E-L-L-A-T-I-O, you just can't wait to see more of her.

And then there's the killer.

One of the most brilliant things about this movie is that the killer is never shown. We get one scene where we see his eyeball peering through a crack which is just enough. We also get a few scenes filmed in "killer vision", watching him pushing Clare's body back and forth while singing a lullaby or climbing into the attic. It's just enough to scare you, but then....there's his voice.

The killer's calls, along with the voices he uses is what really makes the movie. I'm not afraid to admit that when I first watched the film, only a couple of years ago, my phone rang and I jumped a mile. I mean, I've had the occasional crank call before but these calls are truly nightmare inducing. Who is Agnes? Who is Billy? How did the caller know about the conversation Jess had with her boyfriend regarding abortion? What the heck is going on? Is that one person making all those noises?

Man, for being an essentially goreless film, this one is more than a bit scary and director Bob Clark nicely adds some tension (along with a few red herrings) to amp up the creep factor. Okay, there are always a few things - first of all the ending, which I LOVED may leave some people unsatisified, especially those that like everything neatly wrapped up. Also a little of the drunken housemother goes a long way. But these are just minor quibbles actually. So instead of obnoxious caroling or spending time with your Great-Aunt Martha - indulge in my tradition of and watch sorority girls get murdered this Christmas. What? It beats fruitcake.

Happy Holidays! God bless us everyone (except you Clare, your death was brutal.)

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Every time the killer is on the phone. I dare you not to cringe. Seriously.
A drunken Barb telling Clare's conservative Father that there's a certain species of turtle that can screw for three days straight and his reaction.
Death by crystal unicorn intercut with kids caroling.
Poor Clare sitting rocking in that chair with the look of frozen horror under the plastic bag. Chilling.

Fun Facts Kids!

No dummy was used when the camera was on Clare's body. Instead Lynne Griffin who had to assume the "dead" position every time Clare's body was filmed - and keep the same look of horror on her face - surrounded by the plastic bag.
More than one person was used to make the killer's voice - including director Bob Clark.
Bette Davis was offered the role of Mrs. Mac, the house mother and Malcom McDowell was asked to play Jess's boyfriend. Both turned down the roles.
That line about the turtles? Made up. Bob Clark admitted he had put it in there and that to his knowledge there was no known species of turtle that can screw for three days. So ya'll can stop scouring the Internet now.
In a nod to the original, Andrea Martin plays the house mother in the remake. But even she can't save that poor excuse for a movie. No. Stick to the original. I beg you.

Trick 'r Treat

2012-10-30T15:42:00.000-04:00

Bonfires burning bright
Pumpkin faces in the night
I remember Halloween
- The Misfits

In honor of season I've decided to review a fun little Halloween movie that many of you may not have heard of. In fact I'd never heard of it, until I bought it on a blind buy when a local video store went out of business. And I'm so glad I did, considering this movie is a great Halloween-themed horror anthology that any fan of the holiday or the horror genre can enjoy. And it's entertaining as hell.

The movie is made up of different tales, all taking place on Halloween night in a fictional quaint town in Ohio where Halloween is celebrated to the max ever year. The story starts out with a nice suburban couple coming home from a Halloween party only to realize there are "rules" to follow on Halloween. And if you don't..there are punishments as well.

Four stories intertwine themselves around the the first one: a school principal who likes to carve things up and they ain't pumpkins, a young woman (Anna Paquin), determined to have her "first" on Halloween, a group of kids who learn a legend about a schoolbus filled with dead children is all too real, and an elderly man who discovers what happens to those that don't hand out candy on Halloween night (hint: it's worse than getting your house egged). All of these stories contain one common character: Sam, a small, non-speaking Trick or Treater dressed in a large burlap pumpkin head who serves as the spirit of Halloween, as well as a silent narrator to the events.

Trick 'r Treat cleverly weaves all these stories together, sometimes going back and forth between them, and bringing characters from one into another with satisfying results. In fact, it's so detailed and smart, sometimes it takes a couple of viewings to see exactly how each story relates to the other. But it's worth it at the end when things come full circle. The movie is great at capturing the spirit and the look of Halloween (seriously I want to live in that town), all the actors are game and well-cast, and there wasn't a boring story to be found anywhere, which is usually not the case in horror anthologies.

Like John Carpenter's Halloween or It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown, Trick 'r Treat should be standard viewing for the season. Just remember, Halloween is more than just a holiday. There are rules.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Steven (the principal) attempting to hide a body in his backyard.
Rhonda's revenge moment at the kids who terrorized her.
Little Red Riding Hood and her friends in the woods, becoming what they truly are.
Sam finally getting what he wanted for Halloween.

Fun Facts Kids!

The character of Sam came out of an animated short film that writer-director Michael Dougherty created in 1996.
The movie was originally slated to be in theaters in 2007, but sat around until it finally got a DVD release in 2009.
Anna Paquin's "blind date" is a large guy dressed up as a giant baby. The actor C. Ernst Harth actually played the Giant Baby in the remake of Thirteen Ghosts.
One of the few little known movies that recieved the 30-second Bunny treatment!

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

Friday the 13th: Jason X

2012-10-11T16:52:00.000-04:00

There's a starman waiting in the sky
He'd like to come and meet us
But he thinks he'd blow our minds
- David Bowie

We learned from Alien, that in space no one can hear you scream. That's probably true. But I betcha in space, no one can hear you yawn either. I did plenty of that while watching the last of the "original" F13s: Jason X.

The tenth installment starts out by wisely ignoring the 9th installment, but that's the only clever thing it really does. This time, the Feds have finally captured Jason. David Cronenberg (in a brief cameo) wants to keep Jason around, for nefarious purposes presumably but the idealistic Agent Rowan (Lexa Doig) balks at this. Before you can say "bad idea" Jason breaks loose, kills a slew of people and then manages to get himself cyrogenically frozen along with Rowan.

Fast forward to centuries later where a group of teens along with their teacher and a few guys who looked like they came out of an Alien movie are on a ship for a field trip to Earth II. They find Jason and Rowan, dethaw them and predictably, Jason gets to the killing.

Well....it's not as bad as Part 9. But that's really all I liked about it.

Space is boring unless you're fighting aliens or saving galaxies. There's not much one can do in the way of settings and since teens never seemed to be able to get away from Jason on present-day Earth, the 'trapped on a ship' thing means nothing. Also, we had Leprechaun in Space like, three years earlier than this so who thought THIS one would be a good idea? But the main issue is the film's identity crisis. It can't decide if it wants to be an action thriller or a genuine cheese fest and instead comes across as a giant bore that manages to be almost nothing like horror. Bad idea.

The cast is pretty bland and I couldn't quite figure out why everybody 500 years into the future would dress like they stepped out of a Britney Spears video. The only memorable characters are a female robot (Kay-Em) who is just plain obnoxious and one of the teens, Janessa (Melyssa Ade) who seems to be the only one who knows that this is supposed to be a cheesy horror movie and acts accordingly. Oh and Jason and his "upgrade." Well, Kane once again valiantly tries, and he looks great as "normal" Jason, but damn, when he gets the upgrade via nano-technology, he looks goofy. The "metal" on his face and body looks like cheap chrome-painted plastic and without his iconic hockey mask, he no longer looks that terrifying.

All is not totally lost, however. Jason X does contain one of the BEST death scenes in the series where a young scientist gets her face frozen instantly than smashed. It's awful, it's gory, I love it. Also there's a nice satirical touch when the group decides to confuse Jason with a holographic image of 1980 Crystal Lake, complete with a couple of topless lasses offering Jason beer, pot and sex. Guess they should count their lucky stars they weren't real, cause what happens next is...well..we all know what Jason hates most, right?

So it looks like the original series ends not with a bang but with a whimper (at least for now) and then we have the reboot-remake-reimagining which I hated more than life itself and which I shall probably review in the form of my series of "The Live Blogging a Crap Horror Film" as it sorely, sorely deserves it.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Nitroglycerin face smashing! Best kill since the sleeping bag one.
Video game holographic Jason splitting a boy in two.
Sgt. Brodski with his shirt off. Yeah. I'm a girl.
Hey, you wanna beer? Or you wanna smoke some pot? Or we can have premarital sex. WE LOVE PREMARITAL SEX!

Fun Facts Kids!

David Cronenberg agreed to do the cameo only his character died at the hands of Jason.
For Kay-Em's topless with no nipples scene, a plaster cast was taken of the actress's real chest.
For the holographic scene, the original script called for Jason's mother to appear to him, but Betsy Palmer turned it down.
Jason X contains more deaths (28!) than any other Friday the 13th.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

Friday the 13th - Jason Goes to Hell

2012-09-18T15:17:00.001-04:00

In the afterlife
You could be headed for the serious strife
Now you make the scene all day
But tomorrow there'll be Hell to pay
- Squirrel Nut Zippers

Before I started this experiment, I started a thread in the Horror section of IMDB and asked F13 fans which was their favorite of the series and which was the least favorite. Nearly all the responders said that Jason Goes to Hell was definitely the worst of the series.

Now I finally watched it and I see what they mean.

It's not that it's badly acted, there are certainly some Friday movies that were far worse in that department. It's not that the production values were terrible. It beats the production in Jason Takes Manhattan by a country mile. So what was wrong? The reason why this movie seemed to piss so many people off was that fact that it is NOT a Friday the 13th movie. I don't know what it is, but of this I am sure. This is NOT a F13 film.

This time we start out with a woman (actually an FBI agent) luring out Jason by getting all nekkid and stuff. He follows her out into a clearing in the woods where he is immediately shot to death by waiting snipers. During Jason's autopsy, his "evil" or something takes over the coroner who eats Jason's heart (did Jason have one?) turning the man effectively into Jason. And now Jason must travel from host to host to find his sister (Erin Gray of Buck Rogers fame) and remaining relatives because they're the only ones who can kill him. And he also has to find them because it's his sister's daughter's baby who has the power to make Jason whole again. Oh but there is also a mystical magical dagger that must be used to kill him. Oh and then....

Sound confusing? Oh, but I haven't even gotten into how Jason's evil travels through slug type thing, the crazy bounty hunter in search of Jason (even though everybody saw Jason get shot up real good), the dweebie guy who is the biological father of the Jason's sister's daughter's baby and how he kidnaps his baby in order to protect it after he breaks out of jail because they think he killed Jason's sister and then...

Yeah, I'm going to stop now. It just goes on like this.

This is a movie where there is a lot of stuff happening and yet nothing really happens at all. It's almost like the writers (who proclaim to be F13 fans) had never seen a Jason movie and just came up with a plot right out of other horror movies. Jason has a sister like Michael Myers has a sister. Jason needs to be reborn like Chucky (or even Freddy). Jason disrobes an old fat guy, ties him up and shaves his mustache like...

Wait. WHAT?

Yes, in one scene the coroner/Jason decides it's time for a new host. So he kidnaps a cop, ties him up naked (in front of a romantic roaring fire no less) and gently shaves off the man's mustache, using a strap razor and shaving cream(!) in order to transfer Jason's soul orally in the man. My thought was....well...JASON WOULDN'T DO THIS! ON WHAT PLANET WOULD JASON DO THIS? WTF? Okay, rant over but seriously? Jason was never sexual. Let's be honest, he hates sex of all kinds, so that kink stuff is way out there. But that's far from being the film's only problem. Let's talk about the "hosts" for example. None and I mean none of the people that Jason jumps into act like Jason at all. There's no movement, no action, no inkling that what they are is anything other than a person acting crazy and doing bad things. Heck, none of them even had a solid Jason walk.

Oh but the movie annoys on so many other levels too. The whole sister thing is unbelievable, unnecessary and stupid. The "hosts" don't have any purpose. The bounty hunter scenario is useless. And someone should have told the music composer that incidental music should only be used incidentally. Here it's used in every scene for no apparent reason. Imagine if your 5 year old cousin got a hold of a Casio keyboard and decided to pound the heck out of it at 5 second intervals. He could have composed the score of this movie.

So they tried to do something new. That can work sometimes, I'm all of a change-up. But when you do something new, you can't disregard everything that made the old great. So congrats JGTH, you have earned your special place in Hell as the worst F13 ever made. Now let's never speak of this again.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Jason's death by firing range and the agents' "whoo hoo!" reaction afterwards.
The shaving scene. Seriously. What the hell was that all about?
Jason finally being dragged to hell at the end in the most ill-named F13 since "Jason Takes Manhattan."
The very end scene when Freddy's claw comes out to drag Jason's mask into the ground. Okay I have to admit. That was kind of clever.

Fun Facts Kids!

Look for Kane Hodder as the security guard in the beginning who calls Jason a "pussy."
The two actors that played the doomed sex-having campers were ex-boyfriend and girlfriend in real life. They had actually split up a few months prior to shooting and neither one knew the other was going to be in the movie.
Many of the props were taken from other (better) horror movies, including the Necronomicon from Evil Dead, a jungle gym from The Birds, and a crate from Creepshow.
John D. LeMay (Stephen Freeman) also starred in Friday the 13th: The Series which had nothing to do with the movies.
O.J. Simpson was originally considered for the role of Creighton Duke.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

Friday the 13th - Jason Takes Manhattan

2012-09-11T21:26:00.001-04:00

What a mess, this town's in tatters
I've been shattered
My brain's been battered
Splattered all over...Manhattan
- Rolling Stones

Well, I can start off by stating that this was a good concept at least, however ill-conceived and poorly executed it was, it was a good concept. However, the movie is so botched up there's no way it could work. Heck, the Muppets Take Manhattan was more terrifying than this. Needless to say, I'm not a fan of this one and I don't think many people are.

The movie starts with two "teens" sexing it up on a boat. But oops, a lose electrical wire or something falls into the water and hits their magic boat anchor of revitalization. Needless to say, this somehow brings Jason back to life and he's quick to slaughter them both. But at least the kids conveniently left a hockey mask for Jason to put on, which was quite nice of them I think. Then we meet our "real" victims. We have the pretty, boring, bland Rennie who despite her fear of water is taking a cruise to New York with Sean, her equally bland and boring boyfriend and her dog for some strange reason. Also aboard the ship we have a bunch of stereotypes...er...classmates, her somewhat despicable uncle, and of course, Jason who is apparently bored with Camp Blood and is now ready to terrorize uncharted territory.

The title is brilliant. The idea of Jason hitting the Big Apple is a good one. So where did it all go wrong?

Well, first of all this movie really should have been titled "Jason Takes a Leisurely Cruise" as the majority of the movie takes place on the ship. We don't even get to New York until the third act of the movie and by then most of the cast is dead. But even without the New York backdrop, the movie just bombs on every level imaginable. Rennie our Final Girl is without a doubt, one of the most BORING girls in F13 history. Whether she's watching someone be brutally murdered, getting rushed at by toxic waste, suffering a near-rape by heroin addicts or seeing visions of Jason as a little boy, her expression never changes. How to describe it? Swallow five Valium, wash them down with a whiskey chaser, then look in the mirror and try to make a frowny face. Yeah, that's what it looks like.

Oh, and about those visions. On the ship, Rennie starts having wide-awake dreams of a kid drowning, or swimming I guess, since the kid doesn't look to be in any sort of distress. The problem is, those images are completely useless. There's something about Rennie's wicked uncle nearly drowning her while teaching her to swim and Jason as a boy attacking her but what does it all mean? The answer is absolutely nothing. But what's really perplexing is how the kid in the visions appears to be constantly changing. He looks like a normal kid at first, then a couple of times the right side of his face is screwed up and one time he actually looks like a different kid actor altogether. Did the filmmakers not see the first movie? This one doesn't even resemble a mongoloid. He's just some kid.

And what about adult Jason? Well to be honest, Kane tries, but even all of his head-cocking, chest-heaving bad-assery doesn't help. With the cheap plastic mask and lame special effects, this Jason actually appears quite tame compared to the Jason of old. Nothing really looks real so the deaths are of no import. And when we finally see Jason with his mask off at the very end, well, let's just say you could buy a cheap Halloween mask and come up with a scarier looking creature.

Some of the scenes in New York (when they get to New York) are a lot of fun. In one scene Rennie and Sean run into a diner screaming "There's a maniac trying to kill us!" "Welcome to New York," a bored waitress replies. And Jason in Times Square is something to behold, especially when he shows a few punks whose boss by removing his mask and showing them his face. It's one of the funniest moments in the F13 series and is a sad reminder of how well this movie could have worked if they had only tried.

So...the majority of the movie takes place on the ship. The kids are boring as all hell. The special effects are terrible and the action is non-existent. Now, from what I understand they had to cut down on the amount of New York in the movie. The original script actually had most of the action taking place in the big city but the movie was rewritten after they realized they just didn't have the budget. To a good writer this would have been no problem. Just knock off some of the landmarks, dress up Canada (where the majority of this was obviously filmed) with a few dingy streets and bingo bango - Manhattan. But I guess that would have been what a good writer should have done. F13 Part 8 sadly didn't seem to have that. Sigh. Oh, what could have been.

NOTE: Oh yeah, you know that opening song, The Darkest Side of the Night made it on to my iPod. I couldn't help it, it was just so 80's cheesy awesome. Yeah, I downloaded it. And I'm not ashamed....much.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Rocker J.J. and her death by axe guitar. Rock and Roll!
Tough guy Julius taking on Jason in a boxing match and Jason's stoic reaction.
Jason's first glimpse of Times Square. Brilliant.
Jason removing his mask to show those street kids exactly what they were dealing with. Feeling lucky punks?

Fun Facts Kids!

Lar Park Lincoln (Tina from Part 7) was asked back but negotiations broke down when she wanted more money.
Only one week was spent filming the scenes in New York.
The cook that Jason throws into the mirror in the diner scene is Ken Kirzinger, who eventually played Jason in "Freddy Vs Jason."
In one scene Kane Hodder was told he had to kick a dog. He refused saying "Jason wouldn't do that."
This one didn't do so well at the box office and was the final nail in the coffin (so to speak) for Paramount who quickly sold the original franchise to New Line.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

Friday the 13th - The New Blood

2012-09-04T15:49:00.000-04:00

Back in black
I hit the sack
I've been too long I'm glad to be back
- AC/DC

We're up to Part 7 - most commonly known as "Jason meets Carrie" among the fans, which is probably the most accurate description I must say. It's also among the silliest concept in a Friday movie but here's the weird part. This is my favorite of all the F13 movies. I know, I know, it should be Part 1 or 2 but, as messy as it is, I am thoroughly entertained by this movie.

This time around we begin with flashbacks of other F13 films and a narrator who tells us that Jason is still out there in the water. Then we cut to another flashback of a young Tina (our protagonist) getting PO'd that her Dad was beating up on her Mom and using her psychic powers to knock the boat dock out right from under him. He dies. Years later, she grows up into teen Carrie..er...Tina, and goes with her Mom and her therapist to visit the site of her Father's death to get some closure I guess. There she meets the hunk next door Nick, who is partying with a bunch of other young adults that emcompass all the stereotypes including the bitch, the nerd, the stoner, etc. During a traumatic moment, Tina manages to "accidentally" psychically revive Jason, who's been in the water all that time, and hilarity ensues, along with vast amounts of violence.

I LIKE this movie. Just plain like it. And for the longest time I couldn't figure out why. The psychic stuff is kind of silly and seriously borrows so much from Carrie they should have named the character of Tina "Sissy" in her honor. The sterotypes are pretty broad with the exception of Nick, who has a nice chemistry with Tina. And the ending is just plain stupid. But....

Jason is TERRIFYING in this one. This is the one F13 movie where I looked at Jason and went "Whoa. Creeped OUT." It could be that this is the first time we get Kane Hodder playing Jason and I have to admit, he adds a lot of physicality to the role with his threatening stance, sharp jerky movements that chest heave that says "Yep, you're dead."

But what terrified me even more than Kane's performance was the look of Jason. Yep, our boy Jason has come a long way since his start as a monogloid and a mountain man. This Jason is neither of those things. Nope, this time we have Zombie Jason. He has a partial ribcage showing. His hockey mask isn't pure white, it looks like it has been through hell (which it probably had, this is Jason we're talking about). His clothes are black, torn and tattered. At one point he reaches out an arm to kill a lad and you can see dark rivulets of black gunk oozing out of his exposed forearm. And let's just talk about Jason with his mask off, shall we? It's scary, it's horrifying, it's a death mask and it. looks. wonderful.

Oh and this one had the sleeping bag kill. Need I say more?

So it's a little cheesy. The kids aren't likeable (except for Tina and Nick), the psychic powers seem more like an afterthought than anything else, the ending is implausible to say the least (and the movie ends abruptly) but you know what? I enjoyed it. The atmosphere was creepy, the music suited the film, the kids are just there to die but watching them die is tons of fun. And Jason? Well, he's just doing what Jason does, except he's doing it better. And he looks terrific doing it.

Sadly, I know it's all downhill from here. I remember hating Part 8,9 and 10. But I'm going to re-watch them again and review. I'm no quitter. But then again, neither is Jason.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Sleeping bag death scene!
Tina using her powers to make Melissa's pearls explode. Take that, bitch!
Skeevy Terry Kiser (Tina's therapist) using Tina's Mom as a human shield against Jason. Boo. Hiss.
Any scene with Jason. Did I mention I really love this version of Jason? I really love this version of Jason.

Fun Facts Kids!

If the narrator at the beginning of the movie sounds familiar, he should. It's the voice of Walt Gorney (Crazy Ralph) from the first and second film.
In the infamous sleeping bag kill, Jason actually hit the bag several times against the tree but it was cut down as one hard hit made the death seem even more brutal.
Lar Park Lincoln (Tina) kept her real age a secret (she was 28) in case people would think she was too "old" to play Tina.
The working title of the film was "Birthday Bash".
Kerry Noonan (Paula from Part 6) auditioned for the role of Tina, not knowing that it was a Friday the 13th film. Obviously, she didn't get the part.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

Friday the 13th - Jason Lives

2012-09-02T12:28:00.000-04:00

Oh, if you see him coming
Get away if you can
Just keep on running
Run as fast as you can
He's a dangerous, strangerous man
- Alice Cooper

Okay, I feel like knocking these out of the park and I'm on a roll, so here I am continuing the F13 marathon review with Part 6: Jason Lives. Jason lives . HA! Like there was ever any doubt. Anyways, you really don't see much love or hate for this film and the reason why is there's really nothing wrong with it, but it's not that great either. It's just a Jason movie. And that's all it's really trying to be.

The movie begins with Tommy Jarvis (now played by Thom Mathews) and Horshack (RIP Horshack!) inexplicably deciding to dig up Jason to get some closure. Or something. Of course, it all goes terribly wrong, lightning strikes the body of Jason, and he comes to life. Horshack dies, Tommy escapes and then we cut to a new group of camp counselors awaiting their inevitable doom, including the sweet and pretty Paula, the nice girl Sissy, slutty boy Cort and the Sheriff's rebellious 30 year-old teenage daughter Megan who sees Tommy in jail and decides he looks doable enough to rescue.

Now which of these characters is "final" material? I bet you're guessing the wrong ones....

This one isn't really the most memorable of all the F13's but it's not that bad either. Director Tom McLoughlin at least tries to inject some humor into the series. One of the kids (yes there are actually kids in the camp!) has a copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's No Exit on his chest as he quietly sleeps. A caretaker looks at the audience at one point and sneers "Some folks have a strange idea of entertainment." And one little kid asks another after seeing Jason, "So what DID you want to be when you grew up?" It's not all guffaw worthy but it helps the movie along and adds a little fun along the way.

So what makes it kind of forgettable? Well, if you thought Tommy was bland in the last installment, get a load of Thom. Now I loved the actor in Return of the Living Dead but here he's just lost as he mumbles, stumbles and bores. You know the character just isn't working when Corey Feldman was the better actor of all the three that played him. And then there's the "final" girl Megan. Ask any F13 fan and they will tell you, the wrong girl lived. All the character does is "tee hee" and show how "naughty" she is, giggling, screaming and flirting with Tommy. In fact, even after learning people are dead, the actress just squeals and giggles some more. You really just wanna slap the crap out of her and tell her to listen to her Sheriff father, who I guess is supposed to be a dick, but is actually quite reasonable.

The final girl should have been Paula, a pretty, nice sweet counselor (and a much more believable actress) who sadly gets the most BRUTAL death in all the F13 movies. What makes it so brutal you ask? Well for one, everyone loved her character and didn't want to see her die. But also it's one of those deaths where what you imagine is far worse than what is shown. We HEAR Jason brutalizing her in a cabin, we see her body flung through a window and then Jason viciously pulling her back for more. When we see the aftermath, the cabin all covered in gore and blood, we can only imagine what happened. And it's bad.

The death scenes are pretty good, some of the characters work (like Paula and the Sheriff), some don't (Megan and Tommy) and some are just there to be killed. Jason looks pretty good this time around and we see a lot of him, unlike the previous two entries where he doesn't appear until the end. And C.J. Graham does a good job of making Jason look and act scary.

So what we have here is a typical Friday the 13th movie. It ain't the greatest, it's not trying to be, but it's far from the worst. And perhaps, that's for the best.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Jason's worm-ridden body coming to life with a lightning bolt because...well, why not?
The little girl waking up at the cabin and talking about the "scary monster" she saw. Spoiler: The monster was real. : )
Poor Paula and the most brutal death scene we never see.
The Alice Cooper song "Man Behind the Mask" over the end credits which I loved as a teenager and had to download immediately after seeing this movie again. Memories.

Fun Facts Kids!

Jason's underwater "death" scene was shot in the swimming pool of Tom McLoughlin's parents.
The role of Tommy Jarvis was given to Thom Mathews after John Shepherd from Part 5 turned it down.
C.J. Graham got a last-minute call to play Jason on a Saturday and started filming the following Monday when the original stuntman wasn't deemed scary enough.
Even though there is a "sex" scene, this is the only Friday the 13th that contained no nudity whatsoever.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

Friday the 13th - A New Beginning

2012-08-31T14:32:00.000-04:00

There was a man so cold
No life was in his eyes
He had a look so hard
I'd never seen him smile
- Pseudo Echo

So after a brief reprieve due to real world obligations and a much needed vacation, I have stumbled on to the fifth installment of the Friday the 13th series, the oft-maligned Part 5: A New Beginning.

Now it's maligned for a reason and I'm going to give this reason away in the review because frankly, it's a really good reason to hate the movie BUT..apart from that, I didn't hate this movie. In fact, I kind of liked it.

The movie starts off with the a dream sequence featuring Tommy Jarvis (Corey Feldman) which leads to the adult Tommy on his way to a halfway house. Apparently the events from the last movie put Tommy in a mental hospital (and have made his eyes turn blue from Corey's dark brown for some reason) but he's now well enough to go into a group home. There he meets the other "kids" which include the sort of characters we've all come to know in these movies, and of course, Jason. Which really isn't Jason. Which is why fans really seem to hate this movie too much.

I liked the idea of the halfway house. You get a good assortment of damaged teens and it's a good way to isolate them from the outside world. Also they're likeable so you don't particularly will them to die, except for maybe Tommy whose acting is so bland, you forget about him in favor of the more colorful characters. The issue is all the other characters that infiltrate this movie that have absolutely nothing to do with anything. There's a little kid who is the grandson of the cook at the house, his brother who lives in a van with his girlfriend, the sheriff and a guy who I guess is the mayor who yells at the sheriff, a repulsive Mom and her equally repulsive redneck son. A couple of greasers whose car breaks down...

Gah, just top with the characters! Stop! If they had kept it to the main characters, the movie would have worked a lot better. And then there's the whole "not really Jason" thing. I'm giving away spoilers because, seriously, it's disappointing.

So, we are led to believe the killer is Jason who rarely appears onscreen, but there are all sorts of red herrings to try and convince us otherwise. There's Tommy, who's damaged goods and has "visions" of Jason from time to time, there's a mysterious drifter who appears out of nowhere (yet ANOTHER unnecessary character), there's one of the "kids" in the halfway house who kills a fat teen so pathetic that Shelly from F13 Part 3 would have snubbed him, there's the rednecks who have threatened to kill the teens for getting on their property. None of these lead anywhere.

So who was the killer? Well if it was Jason this could have been one of the better F13 movies. But...

It was Roy. Yes I'm giving away the ending. It was Roy. So, who was Roy? Roy was the ambulance driver in the beginning of the movie who picked up the dead fat teen who was killed at the house. Apparently, he was the father of the teen, never let on to that fact, and killed the kids in the halfway house as revenge. And he killed a whole slew of other characters for no reason. It's Roy, the character we knew nothing about who did absolutely nothing and was onscreen for a minute and a half at most.

Yes, that's why fans hate this movie and yes, that was the STUPIDEST ending of all the movies. But despite Roy, the rest of the movie isn't completely terrible. The deaths are somewhat creative and the effects are well done. The kids are actually pretty good actors, the halfway house setting works well. It all could have come together except it didn't. Ah well, on to the next one.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Demon (Miguel A. Nunez Jr.) and his girlfriend's strangely touching outhouse duet.
Poor stuttering Jake attempting to hit on pretty girl Robin and failing. Miserably.
Punk-girl Violet's new wave dance to the song "His Eyes" by Pseudo Echo, a song which has found it's way onto my iPod and is now one of my favorite songs in the world.
Teeny woman Pam wielding a gigantic chainsaw at Jason and holding her own against him, until it unfortunately goes out at a critical moment.

Fun Facts Kids!

The producers auditioned Debi Sue Voorhees (Tina) after they saw her last name in their photo pile.
Violet's death was supposed to much more graphic, as she was split in two from her nether regions. Sadly the MPAA would not allow it and in the film she just gets stabbed normally.
Stuntman Ted White was asked to reprise his role as Jason from Part 4 but turned it down saying "Once was enough."
Imposter Jason is differentiated from real Jason by the colors on his mask. Roy's mask has blue stripes, while the real Jason's are red.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

Friday the 13th - The Final Chapter

2012-08-16T10:26:00.001-04:00

You're in his eye and you'll know why
The more you live
The faster you will die
- After the Fire

And so I trod on through the deep, dark, woods with my Friday the 13th Marathon review canon-style. This time around we meet Jason yet again in the ever-increasingly ill-named Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. And, surprise. It ain't half bad.

We begin with pretty Final Girl Trish Jarvis who lives a quiet, idyllic life in an isolated wooded area with her pretty blonde Mom and little kid brother Tommy. Quiet, that is, until the house next door fills up with meat for the beast, I mean -"kids" who just wanna party and have a good time (one of whom, a young Crispin Glover who's hilarious). Along the way, we get a few more characters thrown at us including some Brit twins (one of whom is a "slut") and a hunky hunter named Rob who ain't scouting for bears. And of course, Jason.

This one is a fan favorite and with good reason. It's apparent that, unlike many of theses movies, the writers, director and even the 'dead teen' actors actually gave a damn and tried to make a good movie. Also this is one slasher flick where all the characters are interesting with actual traits and personalities. Of special note is Corey Feldman who is cute and believable as young Tommy. I know, I know, it's Corey Feldman. But he was still a kid and I can't begrudge him here. He's actually quite good.

It's also pretty cool how they handled Jason who for the most part, is kind of kept in the shadows until the very end. Oh he kills people. He kills a TON of people. But generally what you see is the victim being slaughtered by someone unseen. You may see a hand, you see the victim, you see the implement of destruction but you don't see much of Jason and that adds a level of 'scary' that's usually lacking in F13 films. Oh, and as y'all know, Jason keeps his the hockey mask from the third movie. Thanks for that Shelly from Part 3! We hardly knew ye.

True, the movie has some issues. It's hardly suspenseful since we can tell the kids exist just to be slaughtered. Also Jason's unmasked face at the end is more than a little goofy. In fact his "death" scene looks far too animatronic to be taken seriously, complete with rolling eyeball and unnatural rubbery face movements which kind of take away from any real terror. Also the movie had a great idea in Tommy Jarvis and his complete melt-down in the end which could have indicated the birth of a new killer, but in the remaining movies in the franchise that idea goes bye-bye.

But you can't blame this movie for what happened in future Friday the 13th films and and Part 4 was a step in the right direction for the franchise. Sadly I think that things will take a turn for the worse as I make my way throught the rest of them.

NOTE: This movie may mark the first time that Jason actually saved a life, well, indirectly. Judie Aronson, who played the skinny dipping Samantha had to film her death scene on a raft and was left floating for several hours in 20 degree temperatures. After a while the poor girl begged to come in to warm up as she was quite literally turning blue. Director Joseph Zito refused until actor Ted White (Jason) said he would not film another scene until Judie was brought in. Zito gave in and Judie ended up in the hospital with hypothermia. Go Jason!

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Crispin Glover and the most dweebish spazz dance ever.
Ted stoned and watching Victorian porn. Silly.
The dog crashing through the window for absolutely no reason. Was he thrown by Jason? Was he just scared? Did he want to end it all because he had been forced to live with Corey Feldman? We never find out but it just looks so. damn. cool.
Tommy Jarvis going all medieval on Jason's body after Jason is (presumably) dead. Whoa.

Fun Facts Kids!

Ted White found Corey Feldman to be so obnoxious he admitted that during the scenes where he was to attack him, he wished he really could.
During the scene where Ted gets stoned, actor Lawrence Monoson decided to actually smoke pot before filming to get into character. He later admitted it was a big mistake as pot made him really "paranoid" and he had trouble acting in the scene.
The movie takes place on Sunday the 15th, the day after the Part 3 and two days after Part 2.
Corey Feldman's parents did not want him to shave his head for the movie as television pilot season was coming up, so the director used a stand-in for Corey, a child actor who actually DID shave his head specifically for filming.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

6666 Pageviews!

2012-08-14T17:09:00.000-04:00

We interrupt the F13 Marathon Reviews to report that Werewolves is up to overall 6666 pageviews!

I'm pretty sure this means something. Not exactly sure what that is but hey if three 6's are evil, then 4 must be BADASS. Thank you horror fans. Y'all are my people.

Friday the 13th Part 3

2012-08-13T13:03:00.000-04:00

One way or another
I'm gonna find ya
I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
- Blondie

I had a string of luck with Friday the 13th Part 1 and 2, both of them pretty good slashers in their own right. So, is Friday the 13th Part 3 just as good? The answer is no. It's not that's it horrible, mind you. It's that it's just not as good.

The movie starts off with 10 minutes of paddin- I mean, 10 minutes of footage from part 2, then continues with 10 more minutes of filler where an unpleasant couple who have nothing to do with the movie are offed. But after all that we finally get to the main characters which include Final Girl Chris - a pretty nondescript brunette and her friends which include yet another horny couple, a stoner couple, loveable pudgy loser Shelly and his blind date Vera. Along the way they meet up with Chris's 45-year old looking love interest Rick, a trio of up-to-no-good bikers, and of course Jason.

I didn't remember much of this movie from when I originally saw it and after watching it, I really still don't remember much. Chris and her friends are a completely boring lot and you don't really get a feel for most of the characters, save Shelly, who is pretty memorable in that you want to punch him and hug him at the same time. And then there's Jason. No offense to Richard Brooker who played him this time around, but Jason seemed a little 'lacking' in this one. The whole "mountain man" thing is gone and this Jason is kind of skinny, not nearly as hulking or threatening as he should be. In fact, he's not even that much of a presence until the end of the movie. However, I will say this, this Jason seems to have the "look" of Jason down, from his clothes to his hockey mask which he gets in Part 3 courtesy of Shelly who has a small magic box that contains several costume elements. Jason finds the mask, puts it on and an icon is born. So it ain't all bad.

Another problem with the movie is the 3D gimmick. Now granted I couldn't get my hands on a 3D copy but it doesn't really matter. While it would appear that Jason and his penchant for killing with assorted tools would work well in 3D (and I bet it did) the movie makers unwisely decided that everything should revolve around 3D. Therefore the actors move in unnatural way and things are shoved randomly towards the screen, most of which have NOTHING to do with Jason. Just how scary is popcorn? Laundry? Apples? Oranges? Bales of Hay? How about Yo-Yo's? Considerable time was spent filming these in 3D. What a waste when you could just have Jason jumping out at ya with a machete.

Then there's Chris and the tale of her first encounter with Jason. You see it appears that while in high school, she ran away from her home one night into the deep woods and Jason attacked her with a knife. She fought him off, he dragged her back and she "passed out." The next day she was in her own room.

Wait. WHAT?

Are we supposed to believe that Jason attacked a young girl, had her, but didn't kill her because ... well that's the problem. WHY wouldn't he kill her? Was it because she was too pretty? Was Jason just sleepy and tired that night? Did his grinchy heart grow 3 sizes bigger? It's the stupidest story in the entire franchise and that's saying something. Oh and to hear her tell it. Well, let's just say there's a DVD bonus extra on the second disk of the documentary His Name is Jason that consists of fans making fun of her "acting" in the tale. So there you go.

The chase scene at the end between Chris and Jason almost ALMOST makes up for the entire movie but it's not enough to save it because by then we've already forgotten most of the movie. That and the nonsensical dream ending (how did Jason's Mom get her head back and how would Chris even know her?) doesn't make this Friday the 13th a date to remember. Except the disco theme song. Dammit, I like the disco theme song.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Mike's famous handstand kill and that machete going right down the middle. Ouch!
Jason putting on his mask for the first time and deciding he quite likes it.
Rick's ultra-fake looking head squishing scene and the eyeball popping out with a very very thick wire attached. Couldn't they have tried a little harder?
Momma Voorhees coming out of the water in the dream sequence. I have to admit, even though it didn't make sense, it was still funny.

Fun Facts Kids!

The lakehouse was built specifically for the movie and stayed in the same location until a fan burned it down when he tried to start a fire in the artificial fireplace.
Larry Zerner (Shelly) was discovered working in a movie theater when he was asked to audition for the movie.
The 2nd Assistant Director Marilyn Poucher played Jason's Mom in this movie.
The movie takes place on Saturday the 14th, the day after the events of Part 2.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

Friday the 13th Part 2

2012-08-06T15:34:00.004-04:00

I'm gonna knock you out
Mama said knock you out
- L.L. Cool J

And so my Friday the 13th marathon review continues. Moving right along to the first sequel in the F13 series, Friday the 13th Part 2.

Many people think the franchise started with the first Friday the 13th, but really, I think it started with this one. After all, this is the first movie where we have the one and only Jason as the killer. Also some of the "kill setup clichés" are now neatly put into place for inclusion in the future movies. Do you have sex or are you even thinking about having sex? You die. Jason HATES when you do that, even more than as his Mom did. Skinny dipping? Automatic death. Are you a completely forgettable character who doesn't really do anything at all? Dead, dead, deadski. Are you a good likeable girl with smarts and a lot of dialogue? Congrats, you just might live. However, if you're the boyfriend/love interest of the likable girl, it's a toss-up.

In F13 - Part 2, we get a new set of kids that differ only slightly from the old set of kids. The main character is Ginny (Amy Steel) who is dating the head counselor Paul and plays the role of the Final Girl. We've got the obligatory standard-issue horny couple. We also get a guy in a wheelchair, a girl crazy about the guy in a wheelchair, a girl who doesn't seem to own a bra and the guy crazy for the girl who doesn't seem to own a bra. So, yeah, it's a good group. What what about the plot, you ask? Really I can't say much about the plot because there really isn't one. They come to set up the camp, they die. That's really all there is too it. But let's talk Jason!

This Jason looks a little different from the one we all know and fear now. No mask, instead he wears a pillow case with one eye cut out (the hockey mask doesn't come into play until the next installment.) But he's still Jason and he's killing kids in the woods who do things that kids in the woods do. All while wearing overalls, a flannel shirt and a big burlap bag covering his face. This is the Mountain Man version of Jason and he's fun to watch. He's an interesting character on his own.

The movie works pretty well on it's own too and contains some clever foreshadowing . Like Ginny pulling up in her car which we can see isn't work well ("My car's sick!" she exclaims), so when it inevitably doesn't start during the chase sequence, it's not much of a contrivance. Also we know that Ginny is studying child psychology, so her trying to trick/disorient Jason is kind of a cool little scene. I mean, Jason never really grew up did he? He's got the heart and mind of a child. And he probably keeps them buried somewhere on the campgrounds.

But for all the clever moments, there were a few things that didn't really sit well with me. For example, one of the kids, Ted, is set up at the beginning as a prankster and a main character. First of all, the character isn't really that far from "Ned" who in the first one was the prankster. But second of all, the last we see him is at a bar. We don't know what happened to him, he's never shown leaving the bar, and probably never gets killed. In essence, why have the character if you're not going to let him die? Or does he survive the night? We never find out.

Also, the ending. Like the first one, it involves Jason attacking the hapless heroine through a neat jump scare (this time by bursting through a window.) But the next time we see her, she's survived and is on a stretcher(?). She's also asking "Where's Paul?" which is a pretty good question since we don't know what the hell happened to her boyfriend. Or Ted. Or those other nameless counselors who went to the bar earlier. Was it a dream? Did she somehow survive the jump attack? And what about Muffins the dog? Oh for Gods sake, what happened to Muffins the dog!

I asked in the IMDB horror section what horror fans thought was the worst and the best F13, and this came up quite a bit as people's favorite. I have to admit, I enjoyed it for what it was, which is exactly what the first one was, which is a nifty little slasher. Nothing more, nothing less.

SIDENOTE: There seems to be a lot of confusion as to who actually played Jason in this movie. In the credits, it's stated that the role is played by Warrington Gillette. However, about a week and half into shooting Gillette was replaced by stuntman Steve Daskawicz because Gillette was refusing to do the stunts. Many F13 fans were unaware of this as Gillette was attending horror conventions as THE Jason in the movie, even though he only did one scene. However, a few diehards figured it out and contacted Steve who was upset that Warrington was taking credit for the rest of the picture. Gillette explained it away to Steve saying that he had been in a skiing accident and had lost some of his memory, but Steve, a retired New York cop, isn't buying it. Neither am I.

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

The murder of Crazy Ralph. Hey, there really WAS a death curse!
Mousy Vickie practically dry humping the useless legs of the wheelchair-bound Mark. Then putting on a normal pair of panties and an over-sized high neck velor sweater to seduce him. Down girl, DOWN!
Ginny putting on Mom's old sweater and trying to trick Jason into thinking Mommy is talking to him.
The final reveal of Mountain Man Jason bursting through the window

Fun Facts Kids!

Tape was placed under Steve Daskawicz's eye to hold the pillow case in place so he could see better, however, it had the unfortunate effect of tearing the skin around his eyelids.
Adrienne King (Alice) returned for the sequel but didn't want to appear onscreen too long due to threats she was receiving from a stalker.
Most of the "double impalement kill" scene had to be cut to avoid an "X" rating.
In F13 Part 3, Steve Daskawicz (also known as Steve Dash) is credited in the flashback footage.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!

Friday the 13th - 1980

2012-08-03T11:56:00.000-04:00

Mother
Can you keep them in the dark for life?
Can you hide them from the waiting world...

- Danzig

And so the marathon review begins with the original classic that started it all: Friday the 13th.

I forgot just what a nifty little slasher film this was. Although the concept of kids alienated from most adults and being picked off one by one is not new (Sean Cunningham willing admitted he stole from Halloween),it has several little clever moments that allow it to hold up on its own merit.

Let's start with a quick recap for the two people in the world who have never seen it. A group of young camp counselors arrive at Camp Crystal Lake to set up for the camping season. Among them we have the bright and spunky Alice, sensible Brenda, young couple in love - Marcie and Jack (Kevin Bacon!) and other assorted nice likable young people who look forward to the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, the rest of their lives lasts only a few scant hours as they meet their doom by an unseen killer. Most of y'all know the rest as it leads up to the unlikeliest killer in movie history.

Betsy Palmer (Mrs. Voorhees) once said in an interview that she thought the movie would be forgettable trash and I understand how she thought that way. After all on paper, it probably didn't sound like anything interesting, just kids getting killed in the woods. But, there's quite a few things that sets the original F13 a cut above (yeah, my puns suck) other slasher films.

First of all, the kids are memorable and well-acted. While most films just put the dudes and chickies out to slaughter, F13 actually gives them personalities, hang-ups and smarts. They aren't dumb. They don't do dumb things. They don't know a killer's on the loose so going to the bathroom by yourself,checking on a generator, sneaking off a quickie, or accepting a ride from a friendly stranger is no big deal. In essence they act like kids act.

Second of all, the killer. Yes, she comes out of nowhere. SPOILER ALERT! It's Mrs. Voorhees whose son drowned years ago while counselors were having sex and she wants to avenge his death. The Mom was never mentioned, the son was never mentioned so it may appear as though the audience was gyped. But dang if Betsy Palmer isn't one of the most awesome killers ever to grace the silver sceen. She looks so friendly in her cable knit sweater, like she'd bake you cookies. But as we learn....Mrs. Voorhees would cut a bitch. And by bitch, I mean anyone. But especially camp counselors. Damn, does she hate herself some camp counselors.

So far from being "forgettable trash", the first movie stands up on it's own as a decent little slasher/thriller. Some of the special effects are a little dated (sorry Tom Savini) but mainly because you can see where the actor's skin ends and the prosthetic begins, but the kills are still fun to watch. And Mrs. Voorhees death scene is certainly a thing to behold.

Next up: Friday the 13th Part 2. Returning to Camp Blood for more gore and mayhem!

Favorite Moments (may contain spoilers):

Poor lovable Annie hitching a ride in a jeep with some unseen character and getting more than a little freaked out that they passed her exit.
Mrs. Voorhees explaining to Alice about Jason's death and growing more and more unstable and crazy.
Decapitation in slo-mo with kickass incidental music!
Jason jumping out of the water at the end and pulling poor Alice into the murky depths below.

Fun Facts Kids!

The date of Friday the 13th is mentioned only once in the movie
The perenial F13 sound "chi chi chi, ha ha ha" is actualy "ki ki ki, ma ma ma". Harry Manfredini took the sounds from the "Kill her Mommy" dialogue and used his own voice to record the Ki and Ma sound through a reverb. The result is classic.
During Mrs. Voorhee's decapitation, look closely at her hairy hands. Those hands were actually played by Taso N. Stavrakis who worked with Tom Savini on the special effects.

The final scene with Jason jumping out of the water was not in the original script. But the filmmakers were influenced by the ending of Carrie and wanted a good "jump scare" ending.

Agree? Disagree? Or just have a random string of curse words you'd like to share? Comment!