WES FERGUSON.com

Bookmut

2008-06-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

My cell phone is retarded.

It's nothing like this awesome Swiss Army cellular, but the picture makes me laugh.

My cell phone makes me laugh, too. Well, it makes me spaz out in fits of rage, in which I fantasize about flamboyantly crushing the stupid thing into little bits and pieces -- and envisioning that makes me laugh.

Jessssusssssss Chrissssst! Ssssssstupid phone! GAWD!!!

Said, as I limp-wristedly defenestrate the device, lifting one heel on the follow through and setting the fire alarm off with my flaming homoness.

These fits are prompted by the low intelligence of my phone, which can't spell for shit. It can't spell!

Texting is the thing to do, so I do it. But when I type "don't" on the keypad, my phone spells "doo't"

What the fuck is a doo't? I don't even know what that means! It's pissing me off just thinking about it.

Asking frinds to attend a "cookout" becomes an invitatiion to a "bookmut." Who knows?!?

Bookmut. Have one this summer. Or doo't.

Downtown Alien

2008-05-31T13:03:00.000-07:00

Indiana Jones Didn't Suck That Bad

2008-05-27T18:51:00.000-07:00

I saw a pre-screening of the new Indy movie last week and people were pretty disappointed that I didn't come away raving about it. I didn't hate it, either.

This exchange pretty much sums up the experience:

"I thought it was the worst movie I've ever seen," says one reviewer.

"Oh," replies another. "Then you definitely haven't seen enough movies."

Peaches

2008-05-19T07:36:00.001-07:00

Who else is going to hump your leg at the office? Seriously, dogs are the best co-workers. If I spend the afternoon rubbing on them, they don't report me to HR.

Fuck Target

2008-05-15T05:58:00.000-07:00

Some friends gave me a Target gift card for my birthday last month. While I deeply appreciate the gesture, I fucking hate that place.

Yet, I'm also a cheap bastard and can't turn down anything that's free.

So I went shopping at the damn Target to spend my gift card and the entire experience only served to reinforce my hatred.

First of all, why you gotta bring all your kids and grandkids and aunts and uncles with you when you shop? I swear people bring the whole famdamily like it's some kind of fucking carnival.

Little bitches are running up and down the isle and half the kids look like they need a good bath. Going to Target is some kind of big deal to them and that's just sad. You know what's fun? Staying your ass at home, putting on clean clothes and washing your damn face.

People who unleash their groin spawn in a public place, letting them run around like wild animals piss me off. It's not a fucking playground. Just because you decided to spit out a bunch of babies doesn't mean the rest of the world should suffer. Control your brats! Put that shit on a leash.

Well behaved children are lovely and that's another story. It's actually funny to see how a normal child reacts to obnoxious hell spawn. They recoil in the same manner I do. Look at that scrunched up nose and disapproving glare. Cute!

Aside from out of control brats there are just too many people shopping there, period. Checkout is always a cluster fuck and they never have the damn express lanes open. You can't just run in and out. There are no short trips to Target.

Always being overcrowded tops my list of peeves, but I could perhaps get past that if Target truly carried quality items. They don't.

I'm all about saving a buck but it seems to me these kind of bargain bin mega-shops sell a bunch of cheap shit nobody really needs anyways. It gives the impression that you're saving money, but people forget to ask themselves if they really need that cheap plastic crap in the first place.

Off my list, they didn't have the Alba Shave Cream I use. I know I'm a prissy high-maintenance fag but I don't buy over-priced high end toiletries. Alba Shave Cream is available in grocery stores for Christ's sake, just not at Target.

They had the brand of hair spray I like, but only the flexible hold. Fuck all that! My hair needs mega hold. This is my problem: there were 6 rows of the flexible hold. Anyone with half a brain can see there is plenty of space for every variety but instead they buy one type, the kind I don't like.

There are tons of doggie items, but Target is prejudice towards other pets. Their selection sucks and they don't carry Greenies, kitty's favorite treats (they fight plaque and bad breath). I had to buy some fatty shit my pussy doesn't need. She's big enough. Still, it was the only plaque-fighting product they had. The only one.

It's like they read my mind and purposefully excluded the stuff I like. Fuck Target.

Happy Cinco de Mayo

2008-05-05T11:17:00.000-07:00

Cinco de Mayo: Another good reason to get shitfaced.

I'm pretty sure that's the official definition of this holiday.

Works for me!

Is this your kitty?

2008-05-02T07:54:00.000-07:00

Peanut Butter Poo

2008-04-30T15:22:00.000-07:00

I ate a shitload of peanut butter last night.

Straight out of the jar, with a spoon. It was my dinner!

And when I say a shitload, I honestly mean just that. Today my butt is manufacturing creamy peanut butter poo. That's exactly what it looks like.

The thing is, I only ever eat crunchy peanut butter. It’s like a mini refinery back there!

I know. Gross. But thank God. Crunchy poo would hurt like hell.

In The Moment

2008-04-24T08:19:00.000-07:00

At summer's edge, I'm always reminded of this guy I used to work with who annoyed the crap out of me.

That is, until I found out that his lack of concentration had nothing to do with weather or not he was paying attention, but rather because he was actually a little hit in the head.

I mean that quite literally.

Prior to getting hired on with me, he had gone on a sales trip with some colleagues; two of them were female. After they returned to their hotel one night, some locals started harassing the ladies and he stood up for them -- chasing the guys off. The men returned with baseball bats and beat the crap out of him.

When he related the story, he chuckled about his partial brain damage and said, "The simplest things in life are the best anyways. Like hanging your arm out of a car window on a sunny summer day; that just never gets old."

I learned something that day. Thinking too much can be overrated. Life is in the moment.

4 Minutes to Save the World

2008-04-22T20:30:00.000-07:00

I tried to do something for Earth Day, but they insisted on putting my wine in a paper bag. I'll recycle the bottle, I promise.

Happy 420

2008-04-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

Mexican Ketchup

2008-04-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

Friday mornings, I treat myself to a nice breakfast (usually I just have something simple like a bagel, cereal or piece of fruit) but it's the end of the week and I get a treat for making it a whole five days without killing anyone or going completely bat shit crazy (always thisclose).

One of my favorite breakfast treats is an egg white omelet with Swiss cheese, tomato, avocado, and bell peppers. I always ask for salsa with my eggs, the ladies know my meal requests because I'm basically a creature of habit.

Also, as I've said before the cafeteria food kind of sucks so my favorites are mostly of a process of elimination. "Favorites" is a relative term here, obviously.

Anyways, when I made my usual salsa request she had something special for me today. "Do you want real salsa," she asked, "or Mexican ketchup?"

Mexican ketchup? I love that crazy chicka.

By the way she was not kidding about the real salsa. It's wicked hot.

Crunk & Disorderly

2008-04-15T13:09:00.001-07:00

Don't let people take pictures of you at parties. This is why:

Weird angle = Big nose

Strange head tilt + whore shirt = Drunk slut

Whore

2008-04-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

Hands down, this is the hottest couple of 2008 so far.

She wanted a "spiritual and sexual experience," so the two broke into a church and did it on the altar. Fucking for Jesus!

"Deputies in MacClenny Florida said they found the door of the church busted out and undergarments scattered on the floor. They found Crystal Rowland, 24, hiding behind the pulpit and Matthew Pearce, 28, hiding in the crawl space under the church."

I don't know what God they pray to, but she's a dirty whore and I respect that. Dude is do-able in a white trash/terminator kind of way (seriously, what is with the eye). If he wanted to plow me in the Lord's house, I'd definitely let him go balls deep. That would be a sacrilegious and sexual experience, which is what I'm into.

When they go to court, I sincerely hope the case is officially refered to as Florida v. The Father, The Son and The Holy Seed.

Speaking of whores, this is the part where I unabashedly plug my new column for Young Hollywood.

We're not sure what we're calling it yet, it's a work in progress, but the content is good and that's the important part. If you like emerging artists and celebrity trends, you'll love my daily hot list. Its one part Hollywood, two parts sass.

I'm on a roll with this, so let's get really whoreific: please add WesFerguson.com to your blog roll so this site starts getting more traffic. I suck cock for a links! Ladies, I ... have two cute brothers and no issues pimping them out.

I also added a "share this" feature (below) so you can email my shit to friends or repost to mySpace, Facebook, Reddit and other share sites like that. It's easy. Like me.

Lastly, this site has an RSS feed so you can put me in your favorite reader and never have to click back here again.

I feel kind of dirty after all that self-promotion. Who wants to give me a sponge bath?

Keeping Up with the Kardashians

2008-04-08T07:55:00.000-07:00

"These are my sisters, Kourtney and Khloe, who are also hot -- but not as hot as me."

Obligatory Birthday Post

2008-04-07T11:21:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday
It's the day I was born
I'm going to sit on the couch
Drink beer and watch porn

The following is a predicted progression of how my day will go:

April's Fool

2008-04-01T09:53:00.000-07:00

Question everything.

Is it real or is it April Fools? Panic and paranoia!

To me, today is no different than any other day. Except for annoying fucktards who pull lame pranks on people. I have a joke for you, my fist in your...

Face.

I was going to say "ass," but some people are into that and I don't want to give the wrong impression. I've said it before and I will say it again, even I have my limits. Ass fisting crosses that line.

But enough about my sexual proclivities. Today we're talking about April Fools. It's a kind of a corny way to start off my birthday month. And totally unnecessary.

There are more than enough fools as it is.

Take this lady, who lived in her bathroom for 2 years. No, that's not a fucking joke! That's an old story -- with video on CNN. The woman eventually sat on the toilet for so long that her skin grew around the seat.

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," an officer at the scene said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

The woman's boyfriend told investigators he brought her food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

"And her reply would be, 'Maybe tomorrow,'" the investigator said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."

"She is an adult; she made her own decision," said the boyfriend. "I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that. But after a while, you kind of get used to it."

She may end up in a wheelchair due to an infection that caused nerve damage.

Basically what I'm saying is, there is simply no need for prank headlines and wild, made-up stories; the world we live in is already one big fucking joke.

Monkey sniffs butt -- HAhaha!!!

Logo Checkpoint

2008-03-28T13:16:00.000-07:00

Kids -- Now you can have all the excitement of passing through airport security, right in your own home!

There was always one boring ass kid on the block who had the lamest toys. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Nobody ever wanted to go over and play with them.

They had all the secondary Star Wars characters but none of the main heroes or villains. They invited you over to play with their fisher-price dental kit. They were stoked when their dad handed down his collection of unopened Love Boat figures. When you went over to play super-heroes, they had the Beach Spider-Man doll. It was the fucking Land of Misfit Toys at that kid's house.

This is a toy for that child.

Over The Hills

2008-03-27T17:43:00.000-07:00

I've honestly never seen a full episode of 'The Hills.'

My remote-finger gets itchy after about a minute, regardless of the programming, unless it's 'Simpsons' or hardcore gay porn.

To me, the show is just a bunch of catty bitches exemplifying a negative stereotype of women; I deal with that enough in real life.

Obviously there's something I'm missing, an element of this docudrama that escapes me. After over-night sensationing into the most popular MTV show since they stopped playing videos, three years later Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag and their gang of drama queens are more popular than ever.

But do you know what would be even better? Old people.

Didn't Arnold Schwarzenegger Do A Movie About This?

2008-03-26T09:53:00.001-07:00

The headlines scream: Man Pregnant!

Isn't the media awesome? On one hand, they often refuse to acknowledge transsexuals as their desired (reassigned) sex, or make such an issue of the fact said person used to be the opposite sex that it becomes seemingly antagonistic.

And yet when a man who used to be a woman gets knocked up, the sex change becomes secondary. That's not just wrong, it's incorrect.

Pregnant Transsexual would be accurate, although it still misses the point. "Wanting to have a biological child is neither a male nor female desire, but a human desire."

Rather than my shitty jokes (he's my mom!) or poorly written news write-ups, Thomas speaks for himself in The Advocate.

Purse Stealing Sunday Afternoon

2008-03-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

I love YouTube Tuesdays. Each and every one of these videos have brought me endless joy.

Without further ado, let's get musical!

"I take yo purse and I take yo man too! I take him to a party and fuck him in the bathroom! While you're wondering where yo purse is at, I'll be sucking your man's cock!"

"I'll head down to the mall pick up some black socks, I don't really need them but I heard they were half off. You can never have too many socks you know, so that you can always throw away the ones with holes."

Cheesus

2008-03-23T11:45:00.000-07:00

He has risen!

I forget the terminology, but essentially our brains are hard-wired to turn objects into something recognizable. It has something to do with how our eyes process images, so we turn random shapes like clouds into bunny rabbits. Or Cheetos into Jesus. Cheesus!

Anyways, some dude thinks this tasty snack has taken the form of Christ.

To me, it looks like a lump of yummy goodness. I love Cheetos. If Cheesus appeared in my snack pack, I'd never know. I tear open the bag and pour them down my throat. It's still a religious experience.

An Easter treat, indeed.

Sweater Day

2008-03-20T13:52:00.000-07:00

Mark today's date! The 20th of March from now on shall be known as "Sweater Day" -- to celebrate what would have been Mr. Rogers' 80th Birthday.

Mc. McFeely has a simple request: "We’re asking everyone everywhere — from Pittsburgh to Paris — to wear their favorite sweater on that day. It doesn’t have to have a zipper down the front like the one Mister Rogers wore on the program; it just has to be special to you."

First of all it's in the mid-seventies today so fuck off. And number two, I hated Mr. Rogers. So lame and boring. But he did teach me how to tell time. Sesame Street was on after his program, since I hated his show so much, I learned to tell time so I didn't have to sit through that crap to get to my furry friends. I will always remember him for that.

Nobody teaches you nothing.

YouTube Tuesday : Let's Make a Movie

2008-03-18T18:45:00.001-07:00

"Fred, our anniversary is coming up. Let's make a movie and send it to your mother and family."

"Great idea. We could put it on a DVD, or even send it over the Internet."

Blow Me I'm German

2008-03-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

Although I'm third-generation German, technically I'm part Irish, too. That part of me says, "Irish I was drinking right about now."

What about you, sexy reader? You must be Irish, because my dick is Dublin.

Try that classy pickup line when you're shitfaced on green beer tonight. It works like magic. Crass and highbrow at the same time. Blow me I'm German is already taken. Totally original and all mine.

Meanwhile, I know there are a lot of doubters out there, so here's proof that leprechauns really do exist. The news does not lie.