West Coast Lisa

No You’re Not!

Lisa Kersting — Thu, 26 Jan 2017 23:19:43 +0000

I saw someone with this written on a sign at one of the Women’s Marches last Saturday. Let’s get his straight, you’re not. You’re not sorry that you’re not sorry. So, don’t say you’re sorry because it’s clear you’re not. It’s a little bit like, “don’t take this the wrong way but I hate your boyfriend.” What would be the right way to take that? Or, “no offense, but you look like you’ve gained weight.” GUESS WHAT ASS-HOLE? OFFENSE TAKEN. So, no more saying the opposite, okay? How about “I’m Not Sorry that I’m Not Sorry.” That sounds about right.

C’mon Levi’s…. really?

Lisa Kersting — Thu, 12 Jan 2017 21:00:19 +0000

Dear Levi’s,

Really? “Wedgie Fit” jeans? I’m shocked. We used to be besties. We wore you like a second skin. My friends and I went “jeans” shopping every fall, translation, bought multiple pairs of Levi’s for the school year. We, the soon to be elderly, wore 501s loyally, constantly and proudly for all of high school. We are the generation who grew your line in the 70s. If not for us, the founders of the “blue jeans craze” noted on your Wikipedia bio, you’d be a… well, you’d be Lee jeans. Lee who? Exactly.

And now, you give us a pair of pants that is marketed as “the cheekiest jeans in your closet?” Don’t pretend you don’t know what your old bff’s cheeks look like now. You really want me to shove these plastic sacks of sand into your Wedgie jeans? Oh, wait, what? You don’t care? You’re not marketing to me? Oh, you want to “wedge” my daughters’ cheeks? Well, guess what, friend who dumped me for the younger model? I still wield the mighty credit card and I’ve called Capital One, they know that if any Wedgie charges show up, they will be flagged and declined!

Back Ass-wards

Lisa Kersting — Mon, 21 Sep 2015 22:12:38 +0000

I just read that Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx are “involved” and more unbelievable is that Katie is wearing a disguise whenever she tries to get together with Jamie. Whoever wrote this article MUST have gotten this backwards….. right???? Or, maybe I DO have full blown Alzheimer’s and the only place this is happening is in my mind.

5 Things I Don’t Understand

Lisa Kersting — Wed, 08 Jul 2015 21:30:41 +0000

1. Starched Cargo pants.

2. Hemp granola.

3. The Kardashians.

4. Socks with sandals.

5. Recumbent bikes.

Where Is My Cel Phone?

Lisa Kersting — Thu, 25 Jun 2015 19:23:36 +0000

Lost my phone for about 12 hours….. then I found it. I’m still shaking my head and it was 3 days ago.

Middle Age Algebra

Lisa Kersting — Mon, 01 Jun 2015 03:28:58 +0000

If Algebra is about putting real life problems into equations and then solving them with the use of symbols or letters then … 2y (a 53 year old woman) + x (flame) – 2ab (thick bacon from Trader Joes) + 2x (multi-tasking) = 2xy (black crap in a pan)

Wow! I really love the My Idol App!

Lisa Kersting — Mon, 27 Apr 2015 03:20:10 +0000

Who knew Avatars make you look SO much better? Arms and legs only come in one size! My body looks VERY young and I don’t need a neck lift when I’m in Avatar form. This is fantastic. Wait ’til you see me on my motorcycle! Singing Karaoke! Doing push ups! I love this.

I Remember Jogging Strollers….

Lisa Kersting — Wed, 15 Apr 2015 03:06:23 +0000

Around 5:30 this afternoon, I was out in my front yard with our two dogs… on leashes because of recent VERY bad behavior.. the dogs’ that is. While they were taking care of business, I noticed a cute young woman running with a jogging stroller up the hill in front of my house. I smiled with that warm, nostalgic feeling inside, like you do when you see a version of yourself in an earlier life and you remember it fondly. I thought “Ahh, I remember those days. I remember being her.” That didn’t last very long… because I don’t. I would never have gotten off my ass after a full day of work and pushed my baby in a jogging stroller up a hill! In fact, I never jogged after 30. Hmm…. so why did it feel so familiar??? I know, it was the baby. I did have two of those….. oh, and I had a jogging stroller …(likely purchased by a hopeful husband) and running shoes (likely purchased by a hopeful me)… and shorts. But my baby screamed all the time in the stroller…she hated it… and I wasn’t the type of Mom who figured out, well, if we keep doing this she’ll adapt and then I can enjoy it. No, that would have required perseverance and fortitude. Yeah…no… I caved. I stayed home and likely opened a beer and ate chips and salsa and sat in my driveway with my daughter in the jogging stroller and then relished the elastic of my jogging shorts. I did have a jogging stroller though….. and a baby.

Here’s Some “Keto Clarity” for you…..

Lisa Kersting — Wed, 28 Jan 2015 19:28:16 +0000

Do not cook the Keto “Baked Creamed Spinach” for anyone in your family NOT experiencing the joys of Keto Clarity.

Husband: (staring at his dinner) What is this?

Lisa: Creamed spinach.

Husband: (taking a bite) Maybe if it was hotter… it would be…uh..

Lisa: Fine! (snatching his bowl and nuking it for 30 seconds, all the while knowing this was a stretch at best)

Husband: (giving it another try) Hmmm. There’s a kind of a chemical taste… like…

Lisa: Nutmeg??

Husband: (staring at me blankly) Yep. (pushes the bowl of what is starting to look like nursing home gruel aside)

followed by….

Daughter: (walking into the kitchen) Mom, I’m starving, I can’t wait for dinner ..wait, what…… I smell something weird… like… coconut….. in the creamed Spinach???! Oh, come on Mom. First the fried eggs.. now spinach… are you kidding?

Lisa: (sheepishly) Jimmie Moore said I had to.

Daughter- sits down at the table with a VERY small dinner- shaking her head, “you know she’s gonna put this on her podcast because she thinks it’s funny!

Husband: Please stop cooking things you think will be funny for the sake of the podcast.

Like I would do that…. and anyway Ha! Smarty pantses! It’s on my blog, not my podcast…. dumbbells.

Message Received

Lisa Kersting — Thu, 15 Jan 2015 00:40:33 +0000

Dear Ruler of the Universe,

Roger that. Next time, given how much energy and concentration this must have taken, and how many other morally bankrupt people you have to attend to, I realize it will not be a warning on the hood of my car, you’ll just land the meteor on my head. So, I want you to know I heard you. I promise you I will clean up my act, be a better person… start contributing…. pay it forward… in fact, I have heard there has been a recent rise in instances of people doing really nice things for others.. like paying for the next 50 coffees ordered in a coffee shop or leaving a random note on someone’s windshield that reads “Hey you! Yes you, I think you’re great.” I think that is wonderful. Since the “incident” I’ve been thinking really hard about how I can make the world better. It’s a lot to wrap your head around, so I was really pleased when the epiphany finally hit during the Golden Globes. I think you’re really going to like this. You know Prince, right? Of course you do, you know everything always. So, I think you’ll agree with me when I say, he is not doing himself any favors with his new afro. Right? It’s awful and it ages him. He’s not the most approachable guy, you know. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. Here it is. I will risk what might have been a beautiful relationship (I’m a HUGE fan and planned on draining an IRA for a front row seat… then he asks me up on stage… we dance… one thing leads to another …. you get it) for the greater good. I am going to get in touch with his publicist and let him/her/it know, “Prince’s afro wig looks terrible. And I say this out of love and adoration. This is very hard for me but a meteor or something hit my car so I figured I better let you know. Your biggest fan. West coast Lisa.”

PS. Doing good feels great!!!!!