West Coast Nutjob

McDonalds and high and mities

2012-01-08T16:45:00.000-08:00

Good afternoon,

I always find it interesting when people try and come off higher and mightier than you. Now I'm not talking about stuck up people. I am talking about how certain people who use any opportunity to tell you how it is and how your wrong.

I, on the other hand don't try to be better than anyone else when I tell them that they are wrong. Because well, they just are.

So, onto the story. I was in the drive through and McGutbombs.I pulled up to the first window and paid with my debit card. Now keep in mind I have See I.D. written on the back, but to be honest I never have anyone ask for my I.D. ever. When I say ever, I really actually mean that not a single person has ever asked me for my I.D.

But today, this person asked me for my I.D. without looking at the back. Weird... maybe I look like a thug. Who knows. Well, I didn't have it on me, in fact I am staring at it right now. But jokingly I said, "well I have my social security card." But this person took the opportunity to inform me about the law. (Laws that don't actually exist mind you)

And apparently When you have a headset that is the equivalent to graduating summa cum laude at Columbia law. But apparently to this person it is ILLEGAL to carry around you social security card and you can be arrested for not having your I.D. on you.

I am not an expert of the law, but I don't think I go to This particular company looking for legal advice. For that, I go to Wendy's.

Long story short, run my card and point me to the next window. Otherwise "I'm not lovin' it"

The Kids Are Our Future (or a true representation of their parents)

2011-12-03T20:16:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I am bound and determined to make this thing popular dammit. (It's going to be like high school all over again, but this time I'll be the cool kid).

I think all small children are cheaters, this makes me quite proud. Because frankly, it is good to see that at least someone in our society cares about what's important... Winning.

All we need to do is get the occupy protesters on board with this idea and then we could have them trying to win against the cops. Or better yet, win against society by getting a job! Either way I look at it, it could end up being fun to watch, and the possibility of either outcome ending in violence is quite high.

Because as Americans, we enjoy violence. We do, hell some genius realized that if two guys were beating the hell out of each other he could charge each person ten bucks and make some serious money, and he laughed... all the way to the bank.

The moral of this story is actually a lot simpler and less random than what I have spewed forth today. If we can get kids to actually care about themselves and want to achieve, instead of all of this Feel-good about yourself crap we are preaching in the schools today then we will have a better tomorrow.

So stop coddling your kids, hand them a pair of scissors and tell them to go run as fast as they can. Darwinism will also take effect here as well, because the smart ones will realize that if you point the pointy end down, then you won't get hurt.

Nutjob out.

pod children

2010-11-24T17:43:00.000-08:00

Good evening all,

May you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. But recently, I have discovered that every person has the one family member in their immediate family that falls under the category of "black sheep." When I say black sheep i don't refer to the one person that no one likes, but the one person whom is just either kind of "off" or doesn't fit in with the rest of the family (not in a bad way though).

But with my upbringing being the stereotypical four person middle class family living in a three bedroom, two bath house with two children it doesn't leave whole lot of options. Technically it leaves only myself and my brother to figure out whom the person may be. From here on out, we will refer to this person as a "pod child" over black sheep. Pod child is sort of our families way of saying "black sheep", and still paying homage to great movies such as invasion of the body snatchers.

Instead of trying to figure this out by writing, concise properly punctuated sentences and paragraphs I have opted to instead go with a list. The trademark of my rants, now used primarily for entertaining the masses without insulting myself or other people.

The list

Political views

Family: Fairly open, focusing on common sense over political party support
Me: Right wing nutjob
Bro: Anarchist

That tallies up the score now to one for me, and goose egg for my brother.

Intelligence Quotient:

Family: Smart
Me: Smart
Bro: Smart

Total tie there, no points to either side I am still ahead with being more like my family

Crazy factor

Family: Not crazy
Me: Almost loony bin status (in a good way)
Bro: Not crazy

So, now it is all tied up I feel like bieng lazy today, so this last benchmark is the ultimate test.

Trade skills

Family: Jack of all trades
Me: Limited to automotive knowledge
Bro: Limited to other knowledge

Once again I am unfortunately unable to award any points, thus leaving us at a dead even tie.

There you have it folks, I am now confused. I always felt that I was the pod child. However, anymore I am not so sure, yeah I have tattoos that my grandparents don't really like. But the reality is, is that they don't kick me out of their home for having them, and they accept that as me. Yeah, my brother listens to a lot of weird music. I.E. the crystal method and cage the elephant and believes in complete and total anarchy. But now I'm not so sure, I think my right wing, crazy, rude screwed and tattooed country music loving self evens out my Anarchist, techno loving, slightly hippie brother.

My conclusion is this, we are both "pod children" my parents may have done a little bit TOO good of a job in encouraging us to think for ourselves. I bet now they are kicking themselves, especially when me and my dad are not speaking to each other for a day or two because of some political argument.

Overall, the confusion is this, where did I go wrong. I have now decided that instead of compromising, I am going to shove things down my brothers throat. Not actual things of course, I am not a murderous individual, but things that he should know. Like how to fix his car, that way he can become one tally mark above myself, thus giving me the proud status of "pod child"

-WCNJ

It's a cold one folks

2010-11-22T22:11:00.000-08:00

Hello all,

Obviously I haven't written as much recently. Mostly because I have been doing other things, but mostly because my computer has been on the fritz. Anyone know a good computer guy who works for free?

But now that the problem has resolved itself (at least for the time being) EEK! I figured I'd do some writing. Recently it became apparent that I made a lot of negative comments about myself. This realization, and a need to change my writing style may need some tweaking. So please, bear with me while I do some necessary adjusting. Note that writing adjusting is very difficult due to the fact that for some reason my "j" key seems to be fighting me the entire time. Technical difficulties anyone?

So anyway, I figured I'd post and try not to rant this time.

It is cold, I know that, and frankly everyone on facebook wants to tell everyone else. Why? who knows, apparently the cold is getting to everyone, and they are forgetting that we all have eyes. So, for the record everyone, we all have eyes. Well some of us, may not. I guess that is a bad assumption. More specifically, most of us have eyes and some can see that snow is/was falling.

Oh no! Global warming. Everybody grab your Al Gore lookalike and head for your nearest bomb shelter and wait for 2012! This is when the polar bears will learn to talk and assimilate into our culture, slowly turning us all into "Manbearpig."

Okay, so I may be overreacting a tad. But just a tad. Sadly I feel that more people will believe what I have written than what I may think.

But crazy former vice presidents aside, it is cold. And with this cold, sometimes brings snow into our wonderful small community and people go crazy. You would think they have never seen this white fluffy stuff on the ground.

So, due to all of the crazyness. I have decided to create the nutjob "screw you crazy weather" day but it will last significantly longer than 1 day, and will more be an attitude over an actual protest day. So people, and join me in giving the big ol' middle finger to weather which inconveniences our lives!

The nutjob has spoken!

-WCNJ

Running low on ideas

2010-11-17T15:26:00.000-08:00

So,

I have decided I need to write some more, I have fallen down on the job and for some reason can't seem to think about what to write.

Do I write about how the TSA and obama administration are violating every basic human right that we have in this country? Nope, I don't feel like having my phone wiretapped.

Do I write about how humans are morons? Nope, I think I have covered that quite thoroughly covered that one, and I need to find a new muse anyway.

But after running through all of the questions in my head I came up with weather.

The reason I decided to focus on weather was well, people always complain about how horrible it is, or how hot it is etc. In other words people never just seemed to be happy with what has been given to them, instead of enjoying a break or change they freak.

But less than that, I am going to focus on how the weather is reported. In the winter on the Oregon coast we have a lot of high winds, and rain. Note, how I refer to nasty weather. "High winds and rain." This statement follows the very nonchalant attitude we have when it comes to weather, but it doesn't quite describe what goes down. If I were to say gusts of over 100, land slides, snow, road closures, and power outages, that would be a bit more accurate.

People in other spots complain when there are gusts of 50, but we keep going, people complain when there are landslides, and we just find another way around. Is our attitude probably a little bit dangerous? Oh hell yes! But to quote a mother of someone that I know "You have to be tough to live out west."

So, all of you that complain about weather, come live out here for a little bit. After the 4th day without power, you will be CRYING to go back to where you came from.

There isn't as much humor because I think I am losing my touch, but hopefully writing a bit more will get more people to laugh again.

-WCNJ

Total System Overload

2010-11-13T19:05:00.000-08:00

Having a wonderful Saturday?

I am having a fantastic Saturday, despite my late start I got a lot accomplished. Keep in mind that for me getting a lot accomplished, would consist of things like showering before 2pm.

But despite the late start, this is where "Insert another generic joke about my sleeping habits" would go. Today was a fairly successful day in more of a loose term.

But the real question that I pose to you, is how do we feel accomplished? It brings yet another question to the forefront. Why can we feel so bad when we lay, sit or stand around and continue to do nothing for the entire day (and sometimes for most of a second day).

Is it part of the human condition? No, I just don't see human nature as being sheer laziness, in fact I think human nature would be quite the contrary. I mean do you think that a creature in the caveman days that uncontrollably emptied it's bowels to be able to run faster would even begin to understand the concept of laziness? Nope, and if you do then you seriously need to do the world a favor and take a long walk off a short pier.

I don't think that this is a question that is easily answered, and yet I will do nothing to try and do my part to determine the cause. It's not like finding the answer would lead to more productivity at work, better test scores for students, more income, and overall a better quality of life and understanding.

Wait, it would do all of those things, well with the exception of better test scores for students. If we were to look at that graph of increased test scores, we would see that it goes up, when distance to alcohol or controlled substances goes up. So unless we burned down every distillery and weed grow in the world at once... Wait, don't burn down the weed grows, I repeat do not burn down the weed grows.

Think about what would happen if everyone in the world was hight at once. Not a single funyun and hostess product would be left. But if we were to shut down every distillery we would more than likely see an increase in test scores, but frankly I feel as though shutting down distilleries would be long and arduous, as I would never plan on doing anything illegally, and the difficulty of legally entering the brew room, dumping rat feces, and calling the health inspector is a long process. So, I guess college age kids will just have to suffer.

To be completely honest, I like beer, so of all the things you wouldn't see me doing, THAT would be one of them.

So, to everyone interested. Go ahead and be lazy, or be productive frankly I just don't care. Just don't bore me with it. If you do chose to be unproductive with your time, make sure it is for entertainment purposes, after-all I do need some time filler so I can be less productive too.

-WCNJ

Tattoos

2010-11-11T22:22:00.000-08:00

Good night all,

I always try and keep my ramblings somewhat socially relevant without ever touching politics or religion, because I don't want my head to end up on a shiny new pike.

At times I begin to wonder what exactly is something that is socially relevant and being somewhat kosher to talk about. I am at least a little bit sensitive to what others believe, yet at the same time I don't give a flying you know what about it all. I think everyone should should keep a button on it, but that is just my cynical viewpoint on life in general. And here I am spilling my thoughts to the world. That is the true definition of irony.

Tattoos, and being that I have them I feel as though it gives me more justification to talk about them then not. Even though I don't normally look for justification, sometimes it is best to explain, that way I don't come across as completely incompetent, and a humongous dolt with several conspiracy theories.

But what needs to be addressed are certain aspects of tattoos, and the questions that I, a person with visible tattoos get asked on a regular basis. Keep in mind that I only have two that are visible, but that doesn't stop the torrent of never ending idiocy to shine through.

The first and foremost one that I get asked is the trademarked and overly used tattoo question is "Does it hurt?" I always tell myself that I am going to answer that with the answer that is ALWAYS is in my head. It's very rude and curt but I feel that it gets the point across quite well. I would love to answer it like this. "No, it feels great, especially the part where the ink gets injected under your skin at high rpm's." This is of course the answer I would LIKE to give. But I usually end up doing the polite thing of saying "Well, it depends on where it is done at."

Why don't I "man up" and just say it like it is? Who knows, even I, the person who answers it, has no clue.

The next best one I got was from a person who was roughly my age. More snide above anything else, this was an attempt to make me feel bad or more like a "thug" because I have art on my body instead of on a canvas. "Don't you know those things last forever" this time I did fire back with something that I though was an appropriate response to someone who was ignorant and overall a total jerk. "Wait.... the guy told me that this would wash off! Oh...My...God... WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!!!!" The guy then had one of those smirks that he thought that he had completely gotten to me. I don't think he understands the definition of sarcasm very well. I think my incredibly witty and somewhat quick response was wasted on him.

This one goes without giving an active scenario setup. "Have you ever thought about getting them removed?" Uh, how bout no, I made the decision of getting this done with the knowledge that they would be here to stay. I don't intend on getting them removed, plus it is painful and costs a lot more than getting them done. All I said to the person was "no."

This question is one for the ages as well, probably the stupidest one to date. This is in reference to my mom and dad tattoo that is on my inner forearm. "Oh, cool tattoo... did they pass?" The answer was just a simple "No."

This ties directly into the commercialization of tattoos with shows where pompous asses tattoo people. A la L.A. ink, where the COOLEST PERSON IN THE WORLD Kat Von D tattoos people on t.v. Note, she hardly ever tattoos anyone anymore because she has realized that she has to do other things to stay on t.v. so people still think she is still valid.

This commercialization of what people see on t.v. equates to people asking questions like the above, because they think that is the only reason why people get tattoos that show that they love someone is because they kicked the bucket. These shows have really taken out the heart of tattooing, (and a lot of other things that were in my life prior to their existence on t.v.) and eaten it's soul for breakfast. Which irritates me to my core, at least all of the fad shows on t.v. like axe men and such are waining in popularity that way the soul can return to what is right in the world.

When I have tattoos, I know that not everyone is going to like them, I am not going to kid myself and say otherwise or try to convince people that they are good. Frankly, I tried the whole getting people on my side and it doesn't work. The important thing, is that if you have tattoos you did it for reasons you aren't going to regret down the road. Obviously, a tribal arm band doesn't fall into this category, because we all know that you were in a frat in college in the 90's.

Moreover, I find that I get more looks and scowls from people my age (early 20's) than my grandparents, who have made it clear that they don't like them, but they don't go out of their way to make it known, because they know that, they are who I am and I am their grandson whom they love. My very redneck uncle (I mean that in the best way possible) even said that he liked them. This shocked me quite a bit.

But back on topic, a quote from most people with tattoos and tattoo artists, is that tattoos can act as a window or a door. They allow people to look in, and keep out the ones that you don't want around you.

Keep this in mind and then keep your traps shut. Maybe I should heed my own advice... noooooo. I don't work like that, everyone knows that.

-WCNJ

WCNJ driving school part 2

2010-11-11T15:52:00.000-08:00

Good afternoon on this gloomy oregon coast day,

Disclaimer: I don't condone doing these things, they are dangerous and stupid all of which could easily cause a very serious car wreck. This is written purely for entertainment purposes. I will not be held responsible for your stupidity and negligent activities.

Today class our lesson will be focused on distractions on the road. These distractions are of course the devils handy work, but alas, he can't be bothered with such small things as causing you to hit a deer or small family pet. That is where I come in. Or more specifically where you, the passenger comes in to all this.

We will start by addressing some of the common distractions on the road. (And how normal society says to avoid them)

As a passenger riding shotgun your responsibilities are endless, think of it back to the olden days of stage coaching when the passenger did actually have a shotgun that they had to use. Except modernize it a little bit. This guide is written for those that truly want to increase their friends driving ability. And shirk all responsibilty, all while having a gay old time with it.

1. The music situation in most cars
-Most people say that music is not a distraction when kept at a low level, this allows you to continue to hear what is going on around you, both in the car and out. The question is, how do we use this to our advantage and allow us to distract said driver?

The answer is quite simple, the unwritten rule is that the driver controls the music. All you have to do as a passenger is wait until you are on the road and then begin changing settings without the drivers consent. This of course will irk the driver so bad that they will then take their eyes off the road and re adjust the station.

A driver taking their eyes off the road is the core foundation to becoming the king of poor passengers. As their eyes are off the road, proceed to scream at a very high level, tense up and stomp both feet on the floorboard. The driver will then quickly snap to attention, and proceed with evasive driving tactic #1. Usually this is stomping on the brakes, for best effect make sure that no other cars are around and the road is fairly dry.

2. Unbuckle your seatbelt and random intervals
- A driver with a passenger un-buckled can also receive a ticket, as well as you. This will always cause the driver to become furious and frustrated because seatbelt tickets aren't cheap. Keep in mind that you will probably get one as well. Doing this once again takes his/her focus away from the road and on you. It is then at this point that you once again use this to your advantage, do something that could frighten the driver such as screaming "I'm going to kill us all! and go for the steering wheel."

3. Roll your windows up and down randomly.
- This one works the best when the driver doesn't have a window lock, or they are manual windows. It is pretty self explanatory. But make sure that if it is cold or wet out that you and the person sitting directly behind the window is prepared for such an action. At this point, you need to decide what you will do the driver, but the options are unlimited.

As a backseat passenger sometimes you feel cutoff from the world, obviously there is a good reason. More than likely you are slow, because you couldn't call shotgun in time. But there are still ways that you can get the driver and make their life suck really bad

1. Put your feet in their seat.
-pretty much self explanatory as well.

2. Work as a team with your fellow backseat passenger and play violent games that require roughhousing.
-This one should be pretty obvious

3. Pick fights in the car.
-You are in a confined space and no one can walk away, the driver then has to become referee.

4. Find a long object and poke the driver and passenger
-This will more often than not start a fight

5. Invent your own language/speak in tongues.
-Don't explain it to anyone, it will annoy the crap out of everyone.

There you have it folks, how to annoy/distract the driver to the point where they will want to go insane, it is up to you where you go from there. There is one thing to remember, and that is the driver has the ultimate final word. If you decide to stop for gas, or step into the store, there may not be a car waiting for you when you get back.

Next time class, we will be discussing, counteractions of these measures for the driver. If you utilize those properly, your buddies or girlfriends will never want to play the part of Satan's minions again.

Next class: Driver beat down (How to stop stupid passengers)
Time: Whenever I feel Like it

The Guys with the big guns and the nerves of steel

2010-11-11T13:02:00.000-08:00

Today folks,

Today is not a "holiday" like so many call it. It is not a day off for some. Especially those that it is for, most of them currently serving don't have the day off.

Today is a day of remembrance, a day to remember all of those that paid the ultimate sacrifice. And a day to remember those that would have, in the event something went bad. Anyone that would and currently is ready to pick up a gun and fight for our country, and the basic human rights of others around the world. We take it for granted what we have over here, and it is our job to allow others to live lives without fear.

I know several people who are serving, have served and those that are currently still on there reserve portion of their service, and whom are preparing to go back to the middle east. It scares me to think that at any point in time several of them could not return, and I don't like that, but they know that is the life they chose. They are, and always will be far braver than I.

Regardless of how you feel about war, you need to support our vets. They fought for your right to dislike the war after-all.

So, why doesn't everyone go ahead and pull their heads out of their behinds for a short while and think about something a little bigger than yourselves. Say a prayer, take a moment of silence, or just walk up to a random person in uniform and say thank you.

-WCNJ

The buried life and bucket lists

2010-11-10T16:56:00.000-08:00

Good evening all,

After watching some old episodes of "The Buried Life" on mtv, I have begun to focus on our own mortality as people, not necessarily in a bad way but just a realization that in life the truly only inevitable thing is death. Because if you play your cards right you can sneak by under the radar without paying taxes, ask Wesley Snipes, he pulled it off for a long time before he finally got busted. I must know his secret, besides the whole vampire thing. And I mean a bad-ass vampire, not those androgynous werewolves, and vampires from twilight. Think Nosferatu stuff people!

But rambling off topic aside. This has made me realize that there are many things in life that I have done and experienced that most would consider small or irrelevant to a bucket list, but for me they are huge. If I had a bucket list, they would surely be on there and be scratched off.

So without further adieu, here are some of the things that I have done and experienced in the past years that if you asked me before I would have never thought I would be doing.

~~Do something stupid~~
~~Drive a tow truck~~
~~Live in another state~~
~~Call the employment department to get a job~~
~~Get a degree~~
~~Make new friends~~
~~Go to a casino~~ (This one is another story all to itself)
~~Understand the meaning of life~~
~~Almost get in a fight~~

With that being said there are many things that I still want to do that are within reach, however they will take a lot of hard work and focus to get them done. And a little bit of number one on the list of things that I have already done.

Own a classic car
Start a bar fight
Own my own business/ Start a venture that supports itself
Learn to pin-stripe
Tell a famous person that they need to not be such a jack-ass
Own my own home
Teach my dad something ( he has been the one to teach me so much, it would be very fun to turn the tables. But it's hard to teach the person that knows everything something. And I don't mean that in a bad way)
A backslash to the above would be to be as successful as my parents.
Teach my pets to talk. (seriously, talk as in with English words. Could be a little tricky cause of the lack of proper anatomy, but I will figure it out darnit)

Where is the humor in this post? Normally, I always try to put a little bit of condescension or humor in these posts, but this is one time where it doesn't need to be. I mean especially with people my parents age passing away all too frequently as of late it is important, not necessarily to do everything on your bucket list. But to just live outside your box, and even if you can't, to just have a little fun and not take life so damn seriously.

-WCNJ

sunsets, music an cliches'

2010-11-10T15:44:00.000-08:00

Good afternoon all,

So, being in the middle of cramming to get stuff done that I could have done earlier in the day I thought now would be a perfectly acceptable time to post up something new. Slacking anyone?

This one was one of those that just kind of comes to you when you don't expect it, then I forgot it, then I remembered it, and then I forgot it, and then I remembered it. This of course now brings you caught up on all the wonderful action.

People confuse me, I don't claim to understand them at all. The question is, will I ever try? With that answer being no, I have decided that I will live in the shadows and continue to make fun of them. Remember no, one is safe, I may even insult my own religion if I feel like it. As well, my political party is not in the realm of untouchables, the only one in that realm is my parents. Afterall, I do have a mom and dad tattoo on my forearm.

But anywho, the confusing things stems from people who go around on things like dating websites or any social media outlet and talk about how much they like sunsets or the ever classic "Music is love" comment. Really? I mean, Really? Why do people feel the need to talk about how much they like music, or how much they like sunsets, to be honest I don't think I have ever met a person who didn't like music or sunsets. I mean how much intestinal fortitude does it take to say something as, well (I don't know how else to put it) dumb.

Music is love, yeah we get it, you like music. Wouldn't you know it, I like music too, I even have a few guilty pleasures myself. We should hang out sometime. NOT! I mean that would me like going around telling everyone that I enjoy golfing or making fun of people. It's kind of a given and it's not like I go around saying it, simply because it is understood by pretty much everyone that I know.

It's also like people that get musical notes tattooed on their body, when they are not a musician or in a band of any kind, or never were in a band of any kind. Sort of like people who have lyrics on their bodies, total cliche'. Well I guess I am guilty of that as well, however, there are no take backs in this rambling and incoherent nonsense, as my computer doesn't have a backspace button.

But it doesn't change the fact that, well you don't need to go around telling anyone about it. Frankly the more things that you keep to yourself the better. In this world the only thing people mostly care about, (unless you are Bono, or a celebrity trying to justify how much money you make for a couple hours worth of work) is me myself and I. And possibly your family and a handful of close friends.

The point is, keep your sunset loving thought to yourself. You are reaching for things in common with other people so your life doesn't seem so shallow and pathetic. I however can act shallow and pathetic, I haven't found a justification nor will I try. But I know that is me and I will never change, so rather than deny I embrace.

On a final note, keep the all of the cliche type things to yourself, we all do them. We will all keep doing them, and there is no point in trying to deny them. But at the same time, it's not important that everyone knows that you like the chords to blink 182.

So now, it's time to go get that sprawling eagle tattoo finished on my back, because frankly I LOVE AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!

-WCNJ

Tech School Madness Vol 1.

2010-11-09T23:26:00.000-08:00

So,

I grew up in oregon and have lived in the same general area for all my life, those who know me, know me, those who don't I really don't care if you know me at all.

But shortly after graduation I moved to Sacramento to go to tech school. Let me tell you, this is the best example of fish out of water. I went down there solo, having not met my room mate until we started school, not having any idea of where anything was at, and just in general having to deal with situations that I am not used to. I.E. gangs, assaults, and overall general violence and benevolence that one would associate with that of a large city in any state.

All the mean time trying not to get my ass kicked for doing something for lack of a better term "not cool." With that preface being made I would now like to relate one of the funniest stories I have to date of that place.

The school is in more or less an industrial district, which has trucking companies, and a Cummins service shop right across the street, down the road a little ways is the CHP training facility, and down the road a little further than that is a little strip mall type deal with all sorts of fast food stops and a sit down restaurant that one would associate with mechanics, cops, and soon to be mechanics. To be honest whomever owns those facilities is probably making A KILLING taking the money of all of the people that to be honest don't give two shakes about their health. I of course being one of them.

But I digress, many of us used to car pool to a particular subway, it wasn't far but because we are all lazy we decided to drive instead of walk despite the fact that it was within walking distance, and to counteract the stupidity of not just walking we decided that a car-pool would be the best way to "even out" the bad ideas. This particular day, a conversation came up, and I said something stupid. (This is a very common occurance to this day, however I don't try and put my foot in my mouth) But back to the point, I was referred to as a "jerk-off" this is an insult that is thrown around in a non sexual manner, an updated version of "dip-s**t" if you will. But alas the conversation went a different direction standing in line.

On this particular night this place was full of classmates, current cops, and some of the late night guys from cummins, while standing and walking down the line, the particular topic came back up, to be honest over time I have forgotten what I said, but from what I do remember, it was the king of stupid comments. When walking down the line, I then fired back in a very snide manner, and said "yeah I am a HORRIBLE jerk-off" this of course was not in reference to anything other than what was said. But alas, the damage was done and the place got dead silent. If you looked around I'm sure you would have seen the classic "food falling out of mouth" moment that most Hollywood types love to put in scenes. Total shame that I missed it.

Shortly after the silence, the guy making my sandwich just started crying. Well at first I thought he was heartbroken, and that maybe he was hoping I was gay so he could get with me, but after learning of these developments he no longer wanted to. But as usual, I was wrong (another very common theme in my life). The reason he was crying was because he was laughing so hard, shortly after that someone, to be honest I don't remember who, said. "Well then that explains why my wife won't return your phone calls anymore."

Shortly after that the place started rolling with laughter. Was I angry? No. Was I in the least bit upset? Absolutely not, I was just disappointed that I didn't have wit that quick. When everything died down we paid and went on our way, but back in the car, I finally had a comeback. Too bad I never got to use it.

So, I use that experience as an example of many things, but two stick out that need to be shared so others don't make the same mistake I made.
A. Be very careful how you use the term "jerk-off"
B. Never use the term "jerk-off"

-WCNJ

The Guy With The Shiny drills

2010-11-09T17:18:00.000-08:00

Hello all,

Do I really have that much of a nonexistent life that I have to blog several times a day to feel better about what I haven't done or accomplished, or to console me after falling down in a big ball of crying blubbering idiot when I realize that I haven't received a paycheck in weeks? That ladies and gentlemen is a big yes.

Now with the dumb questions out of the way, lets get started on what I hope to be a fairly long (and somewhat humorous) approach to fears. Today I was at the dentist, (no I am not scared of the dentist) and I began to think of why so many people are scared of the dentist, or frankly anyone with big, curved, metal hooks that poke around and sometimes cause you to bleed... Okay, so maybe a fear of the dentist isn't such an abstract or obscene thought.

While a fear of the dentist may be perfectly rational, I really get mad when people say they have a fear of clowns. I would bet 150 dollars that 90% of people don't have a fear of clowns like they say they do. My thought is that simply put. Mental illness is very much an "In-thing" in Hollywood right now. I would go double or nothing on that 150 that when the mental illness fad is over, suddenly not so many things are brought up as fears.

It's all about fitting in really, I am a true person with a fear, if people ask me what I'm scared of, or start to get close. I divert, usually in some way what I think is masculine, but unfortunately ripping my shirt off like hulk hogan and beating my hand on my chest grunting like a gorilla on top of some 4 year olds backyard swing isn't as manly as I'd like to think. It doesn't look masculine at all but instead like i just escaped from the home. At least it's getting a lot of hits on youtube.

So in other words, be scared of whatever the hell you want, just don't talk about it in public. Because in reality, no one cares. If they keep pressing just tell them you have luposlipaphobia, a strange fear discovered by the great comic writer Gary Larson.

If people want to know what it is, just tell them that you don't want to talk about it.

-WCNJ

The One Kid

2010-11-09T13:55:00.000-08:00

Good afternoon to you all,

I was listening to a comic, (probably one of my favorites beyond Carlin) Brian Regan. He talks about how lousy he was in school and that there was no greater humiliation then the spelling bee, where everyone can see that you are an idiot. He then goes on to talk about his teacher grilling him about things like the "I before E" rule. He says "I before E... always?" of course we all know this is wrong. The correct answer is I before E most of the time.

The best part is when his teacher asks him about how to make something plural. And once again, young Brian just can't seem to get the answer right. But alas, the teacher then calls on THAT ONE KID, that ALWAYS, I repeat, ALWAYS has the right answer.

This began to get me thinking, we all had that one kid in the class that was like that. The one that never got answers wrong, and freaked out to the point of tears if they got anything lower than a b-. Even a b- was rather iffy territory for this kid. What however, was the most disturbing aspect, was when I started wracking my brain, followed by a handful of Ibuprofen (I told you it hurts to think). I began to remember that I was that kid. No joke, through all of grade school that was me. I thought I was king turd on... well you get the idea.

Primarily, I thought I would open this up for people to understand the true downfalls of overachieving. In High school I pretty much gave up. Resulting in a lot of c's and d's that should have been f's. But somehow I pulled it out enough at the last possible moment to get a grade good enough for a transcript. All the while still graduating with a 3.2 gpa... I guess I could have done worse.

Let's flash forward to today, here I sit, in my parents basement fighting off their cats who want to sit on my lap to no end, writing on a free blogging site because, frankly I have no money to purchase anythings other than Funyuns and Mt. Dew, with a tech school education that I have decided in reality got me nowhere up to this point in my life.

Well, enough about me wallowing in my own self pity, if I was really going to do it, then I would have pulled the trigger by now right?

The point is kiddies, I had it all backwards, I was raised with the understanding that everything is attainable with hard work . This was, in hindsight, as the gangsters put it a "Suckas game." If you truly want to get anywhere in life, slack off and do nothing, rely on government grants to get you through school, and go work for the ACLU to sue the government that has given you so much for being monsters.

Bye the bye, make sure that they still give you everything you want and need, and don't i repeat don't pay taxes, and complain when others that do pay them aren't paying enough of them.

Now, if you excuse me. I have to go wait in line for unemployment and welfare.

-WCNJ

WCNJ driving school part 1.

2010-11-09T00:46:00.000-08:00

Hello all,

Welcome to the first class of the West Coast Nutjob driving school.
Our curriculum is based on only one thing. Common sense on the road.

I don't claim to be the brightest bulb in the box however I have recieved certification from myself to teach this course (They say I'm doing a damn good job), but frankly there are many things that you won't see me doing that involve some level of intelligence, such as reading or well frankly anything that involves significant amounts of brain power to accomplish. Frankly, it hurts my head when I think too much.

But when I was small, and a sponge, my parents were very clear that I needed to have common sense, sometimes this is my downfall, because I can look at something that I am about to do and think "Is this a bright idea, or should I reconsider." Now just because I know that it is a bad idea and DO have some level of common sense doesn't mean I'm not going to do it. It just means that I know that nothing good can come from it.

But doing stupid things that can only harm me is okay, because in reality the only victims would be myself, and potentially my family if I should die when I do make a horrible decision. Most of these they don't know about, and I think it's best that they don't simply because no matter how old you are, you are NEVER too old for an old fashion mother and father "Ass-Chewing" and "Beatdown" usually in my family the roles were reversed with the former coming from my father and the latter coming from my mother.

However, it doesn't excuse the lack of common sense things that OTHER people do that make me look like Eisenstein.

1. Why is riding the tailgate of a tractor trailer ever a good idea?
If they brake hard, then well... you lose

2. Passing on a short passing lane with a blind corner coming up

We get it, your Porsche is fast, but what you should really be concerned about is the speed of the ambulance.

3. The concept of a speed limit.

]Those signs aren't just posted for giggles, they represent the speed the law says you need to go.We get it the scenery IS gorgeous, but PLEASE don't slow down to 30mph in a 55mph zone,we have turnoffs, USE THEM, it doesn't make you any less of a man(Besides, some of us want to tailgate trucks and pass on blind corners, I'm am running late after-all)

4. Road rage
We get it, your big and scary. But most people anymore carry guns when they drive.. You don't?
Well go to your kids room and go under their beds, more than likely that is where they keep the one that belongs to them. Just remember to keep your prints off of it. That is probably the weapon that they used for the triple homicide that you saw on the news.

5. Arbitrary enforcement of traffic violations.
I have the utmost respect for police officers, they go to work everyday with the thought in the back of their minds that they may not come home. But come on, I get a ticket for not stopping at a cross-walk while the truck tailgating, blind corner short lane passing, Porsche just blew through three red lights and almost hit an old lady in downtown right in front of me,with you in the lane next to me. Don't give me that "I didn't see it" bologna, I know very good and well you saw it.

6. The "Share the road" Bike people
Share the road, not a problem. But that means that you have to obey traffic laws as well, either ride in the street or on a sidewalk. Not whatever you please, if the shoulder gets bumpy and you need to move over into the road, no problem. But use your hand signals, they have them for reason. If I can't suddenly decide that I want to drive on the sidewalk or down the centerline to get around slow moving traffic, then neither can you. Be decisive darn it, now isn't the time to act like a politician on election day. Or I'm going to let the truck tailgaiting, short lane, blindcorner passing, red light blowing idiot in the Porsche have his way with you.

So, now you have it, if you have the radio at a normal level, with your hands at 10 and 2... oh wait... they don't teach that anymore, apparently the airbag can break your wrists in that situation. But if you are in a crash that deploys the airbags, then I am pretty sure that an airbag deploying is the least of your concerns.

The next course will be sometime when I feel like it, the curriculum will be
"Distractions, The Devils Playground" with a sub course for all passengers titled.
"Distractions, How to Do The Devils Dirty Work."

Introductions

2010-11-08T23:55:00.000-08:00

So,

This is just kind of something I decided to do on a whim on one of those (more often than not) sleepless nights. Filled with primarily humor and a little bit of seriousness, nothing is safe from the straightforward and sometimes offensive mouth of yours truly. Well I suppose technically it is coming from my fingers, but sometimes I like to read as I type just to freak people out when in a crowded room.

So, anyway, this is primarily only going to be written to be understood by people who understand that most of what I say is taken from some grain of truth. Which unfortunately, is bound to only be my parents, as they seem to be the only ones that read my posts on other things like Facebook, and whatnot (I know, it's a damn shame, and kind of sad)

But, with all of that diarrhea of the fingers, lets see what coherent thoughts can actually come out of this brain of mine.