we created a monster

I Do Apologize For The Neglect

2013-11-20T11:39:00.001-08:00

I know I've been MIA for a long long time around these parts. And I'm sad about it. But I've been busy getting my ass handed to me by a toddler. Excuse my French, but it's called for. Not one little leg of this mommyhood journey has been flowery and effortless.
And truth be told, the word that comes to my tired, frazzled mind most often is failing. As in "you're failing". The words I silently say to myself when L won't eat, won't stop hitting, won't listen to me, won't sit and craft or pay attention at story time, won't nap. I could go on... and on... and on.
I'm not the first mommy to feel this total sinking "you're blowing it" feeling in all such cases. But it gets worse. I tell myself I've failed when L's tantrum or outright bad behavior is followed by my own (tantrum and bad behavior).
Yes, recently I've had to apologize to him, I've had to say I'm sorry. Because I've yelled or I've lost my patience. And acted like a little brat. And I have had a lot more time on this earth figure to out how to harness my emotions and control my patience and learn how to deal with things that frustrate me.
And this is it. My chance to instill those things in him. To teach him patience, and how to accept things that don't go exactly the way we want them to, with grace. Without blowing up or saying something mean (and that we don't mean).
I'm failing at many other things too. For real. I'm not the Suzie homemaker that so many of you are. Even though I am at home A LOT now. My house is cluttered to the max and I don't see dust and dirt, let alone take care of it like I should. I am not whipping up amazingly homemade and healthy family meals three times a day. What's crazy is I am constantly doing something though. I am rarely idle.
Another massive fail? I am not staying up past L's own bedtime to devote quality time to the German often enough. I fall out shortly after L, as my bum is whooped from each and every day in toddler land.
Now that I've revealed how very vulnerable I am, what a mess my life feels like, and let me tell you, I've only scratched the surface (I promise to come back and divulge more soon, OK?), I wanted to come here and say that being L's full time mommy is love. It's sucking up ALL of my time and energy, but it's love. And I wouldn't trade it. Seriously. I mean that.
I am sad at the end of each and everyday that that day is over and my little beautiful crazy boy is another day older, and bigger. And closer to VPK and kindergarten, and leaving mommy behind.
I want to say that these days, he's entertaining, bright and funny, and full of so much expression. That now that he can talk in great big sentences and articulate things he wants and loves, I feel my heart swell with pride. I want to say that seeing him jump up and down with joy when he's gone on the potty and rushes over to "high five" me, I am delighted. I want to say that when he runs like lightning and jumps and dances and drums on things, smiling and squealing with glee I am happy. I want to say that when he comes up and hugs me super crazy tight, or says "I love you mommy", there is simply nothing else in the world that matters, that I am fulfilled. I feel at these times, that I -am- doing something right. That I am not a total and absolute failure. Not totally. Ha.
But I have loads to work on. And I wonder how and when. Some things are a matter of patience, of thinking things through like I know I know how to do. Others, well. I am asking you... How do YOU do it? Gosh I miss my mom.

A moment of quiet concentration. He loves figuring stuff out.

My happy boy.

That's L "working". Amidst piles of folded laundry.

Somebunny's a Budding Artist!

2013-03-27T09:51:00.002-07:00

We are busy busy bees these days, and loving it. But not blogging enough about it. Sorry charlies! We've recently joined the Boynton Beach School House Museum and a Wednesday morning art class. The class is for 2-4 year olds, but the teacher has approved L attending. <3 He's way more focussed in art class than in story time these days.

Being part of this art class feels like a way I can connect L to my mom's legacy as an art teacher & artist too. <3

Today we did a cute Easter craft with salty paint to create the sugary texture of marshmallow peeps! So fun. Love this boy. Love every single day with him. Even though he still challenges me on the regular when it comes to EATING and SLEEPING. Go figure. ;-)

Liam Christoph Beyer is doing fabulously

2013-02-06T12:45:00.003-08:00

Liam Christoph Beyer is doing fabulously.
He's picky as ALL heck. He throws a mean tantrum. He rules the roost for sure.
But he's love love love. And it's a shame I've not gotten on this little blog and filled you in, in so very long! But a toddler will do that to you.
That and me finally finding MYSELF again with Stella & Dot.

Ooooh & Liam is so great with my jewels. He touches each piece so gently. Puts bracelets on and admires them. I love that I'm raising a boy that knows all the names for jewelry (can readily identify bracelet, ring, necklace.) He's going to make some girl in preschool very happy. If I ever let him go to preschool.
I dislike being away from Liam for any period of time so very much. Mommy's addicted. <3
He's oh so chatty and more and more real words are being deciphered amidst the babble.
Bananas, helicopters, alligators, for example.
He did get his first stomach bug, and man oh man did that break my heart.
This boy dances up a storm and loves drumming. I'm über impressed with his ability to drum a steady beat to almost any music he hears.
We color. We paint. We run. We play chase. We play zoo. We read. We skype. We facetime. We eat very little. We could both use a serious buffet. Well, fancy that! We're setting sail this Saturday for FIVE NIGHTS on a cruise. We will eat. Run. And stare at the sea together.
I am in love with this child.
Who, by the way, turned 1 1/2 half yesterday. My oh my. <3

December's in Full Swing..

2012-12-11T12:47:00.001-08:00

Christmas cookie cutter toast for breakfast!

L loves the hustle & bustle of the season as much as mommy...

a door L & I spotted...

Best finger painting experience to date.
Merry Christmas to me!

2012-12-03T11:50:00.003-08:00

L knew right away where Santa was & the Christmas tree

treats in Liam's shoes from St. Nick

"writing" out his wish list

Annnnnd... It's December! Liam is actually a functioning, potentially destructible being this year, as opposed to the wee one in a sling 24/7 he was last year. Thus, modifications.

A way smaller tree, with way less ornaments, even though SO FAR, he's very "gentle" and "nice" with the ornaments. I told him they were like a necklace. As he's good with my necklaces when I say "nice", "soft", "gentle" and "careful". So far... so good. Could change. Stay tuned.

He tasted his first candy cane the other day after swim school and declared "MMMMMMM!", smacking his lips. Digs eggnog too.

We had a wonderful time at Society of the Four Arts with some of our toddler BFFs this morning too! We learned all about Santa, got treats in our shoes & wrote "letters" to Santa to hang on our tree. The holidays are in full swing. Lights everywhere. Liam is marveling. And I'm so in love with seeing and doing it all through his eyes.

Fancy, fragile decor will make an appearance another day, I wouldn't trade "now" for ANYTHING. Well, with the exception of wishing L's grandma (my mom) could be here experiencing this too! <3 All the best to you & yours...

L's letter to Santa

2012's tree is much smaller than usual & free of glass/breakables

Soft, touchable decorations in place of delicate, breakable ones of years past

L loves candy canes already!

Life's a Blur. Pause. Reflect... on L.

2012-11-27T05:40:00.000-08:00

Two facts: I'm not videoing enough and I'm not writing enough. Liams doing the coolest new things every single day.

He's saying new words all the time. Tonight he keeps saying "where it is?" In his own little way.

He's "driving" his boat on wheels with pride.

He's crawling up on the couch, sitting quietly and paying close attention to sesame street.

He brings both me and my dad books over and over, and adores being read to. He will "read" to you too, turning each page, pointing at the words and talking.

And he tickles us! Saying "teeegy teeegy teeegy".

Liam finally takes a decent nap without me holding him! And night time sleep has improved by leaps and bounds. Attachment parent mommies and non-cry-it-out mommies, be super patient. This will be you one day too. <3

Liam "runs" and breathes hard while he's doing it, pumping his arms, not sure where he saw this, but it's cute.

He puts his lips to mine when I say give me a kiss. And he comes up behind me and hugs me all the time when I'm sitting on the floor.

Liam simply rules. Oh & he exhausts.
Love this (baby?) boy so much.

butterflies & airplanes... L and I explore Mounts Botanical Garden

2012-11-13T12:17:00.001-08:00

I hear airplanes! I see butterflies!

Gotta TOUCH this one.

Mommy, check it. Airplanes!

Let's go mommy! Lots of paths to wander...

A bench nestled amidst a babbling brook.

Perhaps we all should garden...

Always thankful for my Ergo.

I felt like I was sharing a slice of my childhood with Liam.

We meandered...

And explored...

and crossed over...

On butterfly watch!

There they are!

Butterflies loved these!

Look!

Monet would've approved.

Is it a bug? Is it a leaf? Cool.

Hello! No Surprise Here...

2012-11-13T07:05:00.003-08:00

BUT OF COURSE i was blessed with the child that sleeps kinda poopy (doing better at this moment though, grateful) And is PICKY PICKY PICKY. I was no easy child... L is his loud, serious, stubborn, determined self. Hmm... sounds like.... me.
(thank you for the photo, marili!)

we did it! FORWARD on. (i hope.)

2012-11-06T11:50:00.001-08:00

joining the line
today was another first for this 1st time mommy. i voted with toddler in tow.

it began with a 40 minute wait, much of which took place in the sun (p.s. i KNOW 40 minutes is NOTHING compared to many of you that waited as many as seven hours!). i had a piece of banana bread in my ergo pocket in case i needed to bribe L with a snack.
he was generally awesome while we waited thanks to all the people watching + an airplane and a helicopter in the sky as distractions.
he got a little restless once inside. flung himself upside in protest for a second there. but then he had a lot sweet elderly ladies to flirt with as i collected my ballot.
boy did he want my ballot and my pen!!!
a small fit was thrown, sorry voting neighbors.
in the end we did it though.
and we watched carefully as my ballot was fed through the machine.
it said something to the effect of "accepted".
and off we went with our super cool "I Voted" stickers!
Hooray!

right when we stepped into line, i woke him up to vote, thus groggy.

line moving, L scoping out everyone around us.

we're inside!

getting restless.

L flings himself upside down out of boredom. whatever works.

L was by no means the only toddler in tow!

he looks worried. he should be. we voted in Florida.
i look weird, i know. he's teething and my eyes hurt from allergies.
no matter, we're about to ROCK THE VOTE!

my good boy.

connect the front of the arrow to the back of the arrow for president!
= weird.

our vote for FORWARD.

more snacks in the car for being mostly good.
so cool of the poll worker to give him his own sticker.

so happy this is behind me. and proud L got to experience with me.

addendum: we did it.

HOPE. FORWARD. LOVE.

and little L, you were part of that.

halloweeny crafts with a feisty toddler

2012-10-19T07:38:00.000-07:00

I've found so far, when it comes to creating and crafting with L, that wrapped canvas on a wood frame makes for a sturdy surface for us to work with. We paint with nontoxic tempera.

The painting on the left entailed me letting him play with yellow, orange and red paint for a bit, then I converted his creation into an autumn tree with black paint.

The second painting was created by stamping L's feet in orange paint, then quickly stamping his gooey orange foot on the canvas, repeat on the otherside, voila! I painted the words and jack 'o lantern a bit later.

I like to finish these precious canvas projects with an imperfect painted border to kind of frame them. I found cool halloweeny plaid ribbon to create hangers on each. The german staple gunned the ribbon to the back of each canvas.

I jokingly asked if Liam might want to hang them in his college dorm someday... A girl can dream. Ha!

Happy Halloweeny Crafting!

I. AM. EXHAUSTED. (Liam is Happy.)

2012-10-18T14:26:00.000-07:00

I. AM. EXHAUSTED. And it's fair to say, getting over the worst cough/cold I ever had. I am often sad, because life is not easy and I miss my mom terribly. I continue to struggle with getting L to nap. I also feel like I can't win when it comes to finding foods he'll eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner that will give him a truly balanced and healthy diet (= no end in sight for breastfeeding).

All this said, the below photos reflect how life looks through Liam's beautiful blue eyes and that is absolutely all that matters. Providing, a happy, safe and nurturing life for him. Liam is a happy child. He gets everything he needs. He knows not of my struggles and he needn't.

I am his mommy and my job is to create for him the very best life that I can.

I feel like we all need to remember this from time to time, try not to be too hard on ourselves and not let ANYone undermine how hard we work to create this fulfilling life for our children.

After all, do you recall your parents' hardships? Most likely no. You probably look back upon your childhood with a warm, nostalgic "life was so simple then" smile.

Remind yourself of this whenever you feel the slightest bit like you suck.

Hope this finds you well...

Stay strong, mommies.

Your babies love you!

That little blip on the slide with arms spread is L.

We played in a pumpkin patch.

We color together.

We met pooh and tigger

We sang Wheels on the Bus & played it too!

Sharing his shaker eggs with me at the library.

It's Halloweeny Around Here & L Digs It.

2012-10-06T07:05:00.003-07:00

As we approach Liam's second Halloween, it's a lot more fun. He's engaged. We read Halloween books, watch his Halloween Yo Gabba Gabba DVD, draw Halloweeny pictures and go gaga over spooky decorations popping up everywhere, including our home. As the month goes on we'll attend a haunted pirate festival and many costume events. Yep, L's going to be Brobee.

Happy October!

the kid's gotta eat

2012-10-01T13:44:00.004-07:00

being that the german and i are both pretty much food obsessed, it's been strange begging L to eat something other than cheerios. i can insert my foot in mouth once more for judging others that fed their kids chicken nuggets every single d@mn day of their toddlerhood. i get it now. i'm sorry.

L has caused ME to throw tantrums when he refused to eat simple, yummy foods i made for him. WHY do you spit out black beans, child?! They're a perfect food. What do you think you're doing tossing fresh avocado on the floor?! You don't like chunks of cheese!? Who's kid are you??!

slowly but surely, i'm figuring this boy's taste buds out. and perhaps they're evolving, which would be bad to the bone. just thought i'd share a couple things he'll swallow at the moment.

mac & cheese with peas (+ tomato)
simply toss frozen peas in your boiling water with the pasta, dice a tomato while peas and pasta cook, toss tomato in just after you drain pasta and peas, then add your cheese. macs & cheese made healthier with a serving of fruit and a serving of veggies! num num num.

whole wheat pb&j squares
i like using multi-grain flatbread type bread for these. make with your favorite peanut/almond butter and preserves, then cut into tiny toddler bite sized squares with a pizza cutter. a tasty little classic made just the way L digs.

i'm also getting good at adding chopped veggies to all-natural frozen cheese pizzas, and making L whole wheat cheese and organic salsa quesadillas.

i'm not trying to be a baby gourmand here. i'm shooting for quick, edible and nutritious-ish. what vegetarian fare will your new toddler devour? please do share!

I'm not a baby, not yet a toddler.

2012-09-04T10:51:00.001-07:00

L amidst the big kids and bubbles

today was kind of a big deal. because, as those of you that've followed "we created a monster" know, L turned one on august 5th and that meant something major in the world of library story time.

p.s. whoa! how the heck is it already september?! he's 13 months tomorrow!!! my head just spun around and popped off.

here's the deal: he's not a baby, yet not a toddler. amongst baby babies, he's a giant. i saw looks of fear as L crawled like lightning towards immobile wee ones back at "baby" story time.

but, amongst true toddlers and pre-pre schoolers, he was "the baby". today at "toddler" story time, for example: "look out for the baby!" "watch the baby!" were common refrains amongst mommies talking to their kids whenever L clumsily toddled near.

so there was that and, craft time instead of play time. play time for L meant a ton of toys being dumped on a blanket that he could chomp and drool on. + the aforementioned exploration of the story time room, towering over all the teeny bundles and their nervous mommies.

craft time for L = eating crayons, chewing on paper piggy parts, drooling on and trying to take big kids' piggy crafts, ticking them off + a little game of throw-the-glue-stick-in-the-trash time.

i'm kind of losing it today, and well, recently.

goodbye baby story time and play time on a soft and cozy blanket. as much as we loved you, we're not going back.

hello, big kid story time and big kid crafts, we're not quite ready for you, but here we are, next chapter.

L about to eat his paper piggy

baby is a rolling stone.

2012-08-15T13:47:00.003-07:00

L doesn't slow down. Thus, those old outfit posts of him that I used to do light years ago are damn hard. But today, blurry pics or not, he's rocking his diapers off so I had to post. Trompe l'oeil guitar tee and madras. WHO KNEW?

L's 1st Birthday Monster Bash in Photos

2012-08-14T11:08:00.000-07:00

monster photo booth / step & repeat

a monster hit w/ babies, toddlers & big people alike

dig in!

mommy & L in the photo booth hamming it up, monster style

my stylin' little one year old

the invite

baby monster zone

L rocks the photo booth on his own

birthday kiss

mommy & L

L from 1-11 months

monster cake pops!!! (lemon cake, AMAZING)

monster cupcakes, both fondant & furry

L's smash cake

L's 1st came & went...

2012-08-10T11:56:00.004-07:00

and i'll do a birthday party post someday soon. oh and probably a mommy melts down due to baby turning 1 post too, but, not now, still recovering. i leave you with a vid of L tearing up one of his gifts with happy abandon...

2012-07-28T07:42:00.001-07:00

one week.
one day.
until my baby is one.
i'm freaking out.
where did the year go?
i'm throwing all my thoughts and energy into his killer birthday party.
with a subtle tribute to marie antoinette, L will wear this little tee while he tears into his smash cake.
you will ALWAYS be my baby, L.

LOVE

2012-07-26T16:52:00.001-07:00

where the magic happens.

2012-07-26T16:50:00.000-07:00

this is where i live now.
where i
the german
and L
LIVE.
it's safe.
it's bright.
it's fun.
it's home.
and yeah, L is one in a little over a week.
i can't deal.

L art.

2012-07-17T13:45:00.002-07:00

a picture's worth a thousand words according to some, i hate that expression as a writer, but in this case... these three pictures are worth a million words, or rather, they're priceless. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.
why don't you honor your baby's precious creations with their own art wall, too?

eat crow moment.

2012-07-10T08:25:00.002-07:00

ok let's be honest. i've had possibly 100 eat crow moments.
you know, those moments where you're saying, OMG i made fun of someone for doing this, i said i'd never do this, i judged someone else for doing this. well, here's one. i think i blogged about these tie your kid to a chair things before L was born. now, i'm jonesing for one. see? eating crow. they look ridiculous but my GOD do i want to tie L to a chair sometimes, just so i too can shovel a little bit of food down my throat. hmmm.

another eat crow example for you, while i'm being honest and generous... Yo Gabba Gabba is my babysitter sometimes. And I like my babysitter a lot. I sing my babysitter's songs all day AND NIGHT long.

hope this finds you surviving life too!

baby swim lessons—the real deal & british too! ;-)

2012-06-21T17:25:00.004-07:00

above: nestled amidst a lot of car repair shops and a pirate place??

above: unassuming location, right?

above: watching a lesson take place before ours

above: L's future swim diaper!

above: good little listener

above: floating on his back to old mcdonald had a farm

below: working his way to the side of the pool

L's 1st REAL swim lesson was wednesday. I emphasize real because this is my 2nd pass at getting him lessons. Our 1st go at swim lessons involved a cute high school swimmer who stared at us blankly, then commanded baby to blow bubbles and when that didn't work (L was looking in the sky for bubbles and inhaling/drinking water, not blowing out, he's a BABY), she started singing "the wheels on the bus", butchering the lyrics (i'm a pro, thanks to the library) and kind of just floundered from there, resulting in us moms trying to think of things to do with baby.

I'm all for fun in the pool, but I can do that at home for free, and well, better. I'm grateful for this little bump in L's road to swimming in the olympics, ;-) because it made me realize I want only the best lessons out there for him. And that means true, serious instruction in the water. No matter the cost or challenge.

Sure, I want him to be a master butterflyer, but first, i want him to survive a haphazard plunge in the pool. Not that mommy EVER intends to let that happen, but am erring on the side of caution with ALL things pertaining to L.

There are swim classes that involve tossing baby in and keeping mommy out (of the water). And they're SO successful. But as a non-CIO mommy, I can't stomach the thought myself. Call me a bleeding heart mommy, I'm used to it. ;-) Next best thing? Well...

I expressed my disappointment with the meh lessons I endured for two days above to a fellow mommy friend (THANK YOU LEAH) and she immediately recommended the British Swim School. She'd heard great things about it. I checked out there website, went out on a limb and registered L right there online like the true impulse buyer i am.

Then, during one of L's middle of the night wake-ups I had a "brilliant" idea. How about we go check the place out before I show up day of and find myself disappointed again.

So we did, day before father's day, with grandpa in tow too. And I think all three of us were in awe of what we saw. Happy-enough (read: not crying), confident babies with their parents in the water with them, surfacing from being submerged, flipping to their backs and getting to the side of the pool. No tears, baby bad a$$es.

But was L going to hate it? Scream bloody murder the whole time?

Wednesday rolled around. Gotta say I was grateful we went & checked the place out. It's nestled in a place you'd never expect to find a pool. It was dumping rain. L hadn't pooped in two days. I suddenly understood their double diaper requirement.

We got there, and no one told us what to do, other than a piece of paper on a counter I accidentally looked at. I followed the paper's alice in wonderland-like instructions and a few minutes later we were in the water with our instructor, stephanie (stephanie's are awesome swimmers, i felt good that that was her name).

she rapid fired directives, and i clumsily followed along, connecting the dots almost instantly. we were laying the foundation for L to eventually kick to the top, flip on his back and get to the side through fun, repetitive tasks. The water was warm, there was no sun in L's eyes and he didn't freak when i put him on his back, like he usually did. in no time the lesson was over and i'm excited to return. i think he's a natural. and i think in a few months, he's going to be a confident little dude in the pool.

mommy is happy.
word.

Father's Day = how to "ruin" a brooks brothers' tie. ;-)

2012-06-15T11:57:00.001-07:00

you take a classic, solid tie like so, then let baby go buck wild with fabric paint ALL over it. ha. LET. i should substitute the word "force" there instead. a lot of drool (his), sweat (mine) & tears (mine) went into the creation of daddy's & grandpa's father's day gift from L. the paint ISN'T non-toxic, he DID want to eat it & he IS stronger than me!?!? but, we got it done, & the result is abstract & legitimately crafted by him. sorry, L for wrestling you to craft these. you were a good sport! HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, world.

I'm 10 months old!

2012-06-07T12:24:00.002-07:00

WHAT?! It's June??? That means L's the big 1-0! Months, that is. Dear passage of time, I hate you. I'm up all hours of the night and you're STILL flying by. Being a mommy to this ever changing creature means dropping the blog ball from time to time. Watching Liam grow and change is the utmost amazing and all consuming. This boy is the ruler of my heart.
In addition to turning 10-months old...

Top stories this week?
L digs snazzy mansion museums.
He's getting a piano.
and
FOUR TOP TEETH, coming soon.