what a day for a daydream

FET #1 cycle updates: meds and monitoring appt #2

2016-02-04T16:08:00.005-06:00

On Wednesday, December 30, per my monitoring appointment the previous day, I reduced my Lupron injections to 5 units each morning instead of 20 units. I also began taking Estrace (which is a tiny blue pill to be taken orally), once per morning with my prenatal vitamins. Everything was going along swimmingly until I started thinking to myself, based on what I remembered from my FET three years ago, "Hmm...I wonder when I'm supposed to increase my Estrace dose to two pills a day (one in the morning and one in the evening)?" The nurse didn't mention anything about it in my monitoring appointment on the 29th so I thought maybe I wasn't supposed to increase my dose until my next monitoring appointment on Tuesday, January 12. As busy as I was with getting our house ready to put on the market, making decisions for our new house that is being built, trying to keep up with my 2 1/2 year old twins, and fighting colds, I didn't check my FET booklet for a few days. The thought about the pills continued to nag me but not as much as the other chaos happening in my household.

But it finally nagged me enough the morning of Friday, January 5. I checked my medication and monitoring schedule in my FET booklet just before leaving for work. To my alarm, not only was I supposed to start taking my Estrace twice per day starting YESTERDAY (Thursday, January 4), I was also supposed to start taking 81 mg of baby aspirin once per day with my prenatal vitamin, morning Estrace dose, and morning Lupron shot way back on Wednesday, December 30! My nurse NEVER mentioned baby aspirin in my monitoring appointment on the 29th - only the Lupron reduction and Estrace once per day. If she had mentioned it, I definitely would have started taking it when I was supposed to! Although, to her credit, she did tell me to follow along in my FET booklet... She just didn't specifically mention the baby aspirin. ARGH!

So I took my morning dose of baby aspirin and another in the evening before I went to bed to "catch up" on at least one missed dose, which made it as though I had only missed five baby aspirins instead of six. Yikes. SIX.

And then I allowed myself to freak out: Panic. Anger. Thoughts of "I've totally ruined this cycle already!" And every other emotion in the spectrum. Except I didn't cry. I had too much anxiety for that.

I called my RE's office at 8:01 am (on January 5) - as soon as they opened. Naturally, I had to leave a voice mail, which, as usual, was very detailed. And, as usual, I specifically said it was ok to leave a voice message on my cell phone if I was unable to answer when they called. To recap, I basically told them I forgot to take my evening dose of Estrace the night before, which would have been my first day of taking it twice per day. I then asked if I should take an extra dose today (so three pills today) or just continue with my prescribed two pills today. I didn't mention anything about the baby aspirin because I figured it was less important and I had plenty of days yet before my actual transfer to get it built up in my system. (And I was embarrassed to admit I messed up two meds and didn't want them to think I was a complete idiot.)

So I waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

NO ONE called me back before the office closed at 4:00 pm! I was beyond livid! I called them again at 4:22 pm and requested to speak with the on-call physician. I told the medical messenger person what happened, I heard her typing notes, she said she paged the doctor, and she told me if no one called me within 20 minutes to call back again. And what do you know...the on-call physician called me back within five - yes FIVE - minutes. Apparently, I should page the on-call physician more often instead of bothering with the unreliable nurse line.

But the doc obviously didn't read the notes from the medical messenger because I had to explain the whole situation all over again...with my toddlers shouting and pushing and screaming in the background. Fun times. I'm not even certain it was a doc who called me back...I think it may have been a nurse?? Anyway, she said it was too late to take the missed dose now (duh lady, even I knew that) and to just continue with my normal two doses as if I hadn't missed anything last night. She said it was early enough in my cycle that it wouldn't matter. I also expressed my anger regarding the message I left at 8:01 in the morning that was NEVER returned. She said she could say something to the nurses in the morning, to which I said, in a tone that indicated I was not to be messed with, "Yes, please do."

Then I thought to myself, "If this one missed dose doesn't matter, why prescribe so many Estrace pills?? I mean, those suckers are like five bucks (or more) each!" I was kicking myself for not asking that question when I was on the phone with the on-call doc.

The doc must have actually said something to the nurses the next day (January 6) because I received a call from my usual nurse (Theresa) at 11:49 am. I wasn't able to answer but she did leave a long rambling voice message and an attempt at an apology, along with instructions to not take the missed Estrace dose at this point. Seriously? Seriously. I don't know why I'm having so many issues with the staff this time around. Maybe because I'm not naively unaware of the process?? Maybe I'm less tolerant of "how it all works" with the whole nurse line messaging?? Maybe I'm more tired and stressed out with having twin toddlers this round?? I can't quite put my finger on it...

Anyway, on Friday, January 8, I increased my Estrace dose, per my FET booklet, to 3 mg (three pills) per day...one dose in the morning, one at noon, and one in the evening. By this time, I was also still taking one baby aspirin per day, one prenatal vitamin per day, and one 5U dose of Lupron per day.

And I continued taking my meds as noted in my FET booklet - or so I thought - until my second monitoring appointment on Tuesday, January 12 at 8:15 am. This next part is where my memory is a little foggy: I can't remember if I checked my booklet the morning of the 12th and discovered my next medication slip-up or if the nurse talked to me in my appointment about my med schedule and that was how it was discovered. Either way...I took my morning 5 units of Lupron FOUR days too long! I should have taken my last dose the morning of January 8. I mean, who does that?!?!

Me. That's who. %*&#@!

At least I had good results from my transvaginal u/s at my appointment on the 12th: my ovaries were quiet and my uterine lining was super thick at a 10B. I asked my nurse what they look for in a lining, and while she didn't give a specific answer, she did say my lining for my last successful FET was at a 9 so I was looking really good this round. (I should ask for copies of my records just to have all that info from last time that I neglected to document. But I'm afraid they will charge me for it...)

Then the nurse said to start my progesterone in oil (PIO) shots on Thursday, January 14 (1 mL once per evening in my rear end...with a 1 1/2 inch intramuscular needle), Doxycycline (an antibiotic) on Saturday, January 16 (one 100 mg oral pill twice per day - once in the morning and once in the evening), and that she would let my doc (Dr. C.) know what happened with my Lupron. She said someone would call me if there was any change to my med schedule or transfer date, and indicated my doc may push my transfer date out a few days (which was tentatively set for Tuesday, January 19). It was a bit of a relief to hear these options because I was afraid my cycle was going to be canceled altogether and get re-dated for March. Then I told her the problems I'd been having with the nurse line so she said someone would call me either way, which was a big relief.

I made a stern mental note to myself to not screw up the PIO shots or the Doxycycline.

At 1:49 pm on January 12, I received the call. And the news was better than I expected: continue my meds as outlined in my FET booklet except increase my Estrace dose to 4 mg (four pills) per day instead of 3 mg (three pills). I was to skip my noon dose and take two pills in the morning and two pills in the evening. Aside from the added cost of extra pills, that sounded like a better plan anyway...it's so hard for me to take the noon dose at the same time every day because I don't eat lunch at the same time every day. And it's usually a late lunch...like 1:00 or 1:30 or sometimes even 2:00. Pretty much whenever I feel hungry.

And there were no changes to my FET date...it was still a go for Tuesday, January 19! It did seem a bit odd, though, that they didn't want me to come back again for any more blood work before my FET just to make sure my E2 levels were on track after my Lupron screw-up. But I guess they know what they're doing! I can't imagine I'm the only one who has ever messed up their meds...

***

Edited to add: I forgot to note that I did have my blood drawn at my second monitoring appointment on January 12. Nothing out of the ordinary there...I had the same paperwork to give to the receptionist as with my first monitoring appointment. And the receptionist then handed it off to the same technician to do my blood draw. Queue painful stab, etc, etc. When I received the call from my nurse later in the afternoon instructing me to up my Estrace dose, she didn't mention any specifics about my blood work and E2 levels and I didn't ask. I figured it didn't matter anyway since I messed up my meds so much the past few days.

FET #1 cycle updates: meds and monitoring appt #1

2016-02-04T12:46:00.000-06:00

After completing my 23 BCPs in the month of December, CD 1 started just three days later on Saturday, December 26. And per my FET instruction booklet, I started giving myself 20 units of Lupron (actually, Leuprolide, which is the generic version) on Sunday, December 20 once per day for 10 days between the hours of 6:00 am and 9:00 am using small insulin syringes. I chose 7:15 am as a good time for the shots because I didn't want to get up at 6:00 am on the weekends if I didn't have to (re: if my daughter actually let me sleep in). Plus, during the week, we usually leave for daycare drop-off around 7:30 am so if I did anything later than that, I'd likely have to give myself my shots at work. No. Thank. You.

Anyway, I continued with the 20 units of Lupron and managed to give myself the shots every day between 7:00 am and 7:15 am. Per my nurse consult back on Monday, December 14, it was ok to administer the shots within one hour of my preferred time...so I was safe with the 15 minute interval. With my first shot, it was almost like visiting an old friend. The familiarity of it all came rushing back. Along with the sting of the injection. Like a rookie doing it for the first time, I forgot to release my fingers from the pinch on my stomach before taking the needle out so the medication didn't drip out of my body when I removed the syringe. By the next morning, though, I had much improved my technique.

Everything was going well until my first monitoring appointment - the day 10 Lupron and estradiol check, and ultrasound. My appointment was Tuesday, December 29 at 7:45 am, and I forgot to take my Lupron shot beforehand at the normal time. Ugh. Usually when I forget something in my morning routine, it's because there has been a change to the routine - like today when I had an appointment at my RE's office instead of just heading straight to work. I contemplated turning around and driving back home as soon as I realized I forgot my shot but I knew if I did, I was going to be seriously late for my appointment. So I continued on the road, freaking out, and praying everything was going to be ok.

And it was! I told my nurse what happened and she said as long as I could still take my shot this morning within a reasonable time (i.e. within the 6 - 9 am preferred time period), I would be ok. Even if it was slightly out of the normal time frame, one time wasn't going to hurt anything. So we proceeded with my appointment and I received good results. My u/s showed quiet ovaries and a thickening uterine lining (measuring at 4A). Then the nurse said to drop my Lupron to 5 units the next morning, start taking my Estrace pills once per day, continue following along in my FET booklet, and schedule my day 14 u/s and estradiol check on my way out. She also handed me my paperwork to take to the front desk for my blood draw.

When I had no more questions, the nurse left so I could get cleaned up and dressed. Then I checked in at the front desk again, scheduled my day 14 checkup (Tuesday, January 12 at 8:15 am, which was the earliest available), and handed them my paperwork. The paperwork provided my patient information (name, DOB, etc) and indicated what blood test I needed (estradiol, or E2). They then handed off my paperwork to the blood draw technician (very technical term), and I was shocked and upset to see it was the very same tech I dealt with back in 2012. I had hoped enough time had passed that she was able to draw blood for another clinic or hospital. {sigh...} So I mentally prepared for the worst and hoped for the best (maybe she had improved her technique over the past three years??). And the worst happened...the same familiar stab in my arm. I even looked at the bend in my arm the next day where the needle was inserted and noticed a line on my skin leading up to the puncture, like a scratch mark. So yeah, I wasn't imagining it. She scratched me with the needle before it actually went in my arm. But at least I didn't bleed all over this time.

Then I headed home again to take my shot, which I managed to do by about 9:30 am...not too bad! It just made me super late for work, which no one even noticed. Whew!

The nurse who was in the room with me for my u/s said if all was normal with my blood work, I would not receive a followup call. I anxiously waited all day but everything must have been good because no one called me. Another successful milestone checked off on this new journey. :)

***

Side note #1: As I waited to be called back for my blood draw, I let the receptionist know I had another question for my nurse that I forgot to ask during my appointment. She checked my nurse's availability and let her know I was in the waiting room and to come see me when she was done with her next appointment. A few minutes later, my nurse called my name and I asked my question right there in the waiting room. If my question had been more personal, I would have requested a private room or something but all I wanted to do was confirm I was supposed to be taking prenatal vitamins. I said I assumed I was supposed to but no one said anything about it at my nurse consult on December 14. And she confirmed yes, I was indeed supposed to be taking them. Everything with IVF is so specific, I didn't want to take something, even prenatal vitamins, that wasn't recommended yet so I thought it was better to check.

***

Side note #2: Per our financial consultation also on December 14, we were to pay our FET fees today (December 29) since we didn't send a check in the mail before my first monitoring appointment. No one at the receptionist desk asked for payment when I checked in today, and I didn't remind them, so I made it through without having to fork over $4,335. That is until they called me at 2:04 in the afternoon and asked for it. Humpf. At least the lady was nice that I talked to; she blamed the staff rather than me for the oversight. She said I could send a check in the mail or pay over the phone with a credit card. Credit card?! This was new information! I gave her my card number so I could rack up a few thousand reward points. I pay my card off every month anyway so the reward points are like a sweet bonus for all my typical (and atypical) spending. I'd just end up reimbursing myself with my HSA (Health Savings Account) anyway.

It was for sure a done deal now. We were all paid and ready to go! :)

FET #1 cycle updates: BCP mini crisis

2016-01-13T16:04:00.001-06:00

As previously mentioned, and per my FET booklet instructions, I started my BCPs on Wednesday, December 2 and continued taking them until Wednesday, December 23. However, on December 22 I noticed I was going to be taking my last pill so I checked and rechecked my FET booklet, manually counted the days on the calendar (more than once), and eventually gave a call to my RE's office at 2:37 in the afternoon. Naturally, I had to leave a voice message. In my message I gave specific details about my discovery and that it was ok to leave a message on my phone if I missed their return call. I asked if there had been a mistake since a pack of contraceptives only contains 21 active pills, or if I needed to take one additional pill for a total of 22 this month.

And, naturally, I missed their return call at 3:51 pm. As I anxiously checked my voice mail, I was irritated to hear the nurse did not provide any answers whatsoever to any of my questions. She just said something about how the office was closing in nine minutes and to give a call back when I was able. ARGH!!! So I called them again bright and early the next morning at 7:40...they weren't open yet and weren't accepting voice messages. Of course. I called back again at 9:24 in the morning - at my desk at work, mind you - and someone actually answered! So I had to explain the whole situation all over again. At work. Yay.

The nurse said my booklet was correct; I did indeed need to take 22 BCPs this month in order for the timing to match up for our transfer date. She even counted the days out loud on her calendar while on the phone with me just to be sure herself. After all that, plus some more explaining on my part, it still took her a moment to realize I needed another prescription of pills ASAP. Luckily, I mentioned I had a pack on hand at home from about two months ago when I thought I was going to be starting my FET cycle but didn't. I asked if the brand of pills mattered (because my brand at home was different from the brand my RE originally prescribed - things are very specific in the IVF / FET world) and she said no. She breathed an audible sigh of relief - I'm pretty sure I did too - then she went on to explain I may see some spotting or get my period after my pills were done. Spotting - ha! I almost laughed at that; I knew I would not be so lucky. I thanked her and we hung up. Whew! Crisis averted!

FET #1 cycle updates: nurse consult / financial consult...and a good cry

2016-01-12T12:04:00.001-06:00

Our combination nurse consult / financial consult was Monday, December 14 at 1:15 pm. Hubby had a meeting downtown with his clients that wasn't scheduled to end until 1:00 pm, but didn't actually end until 1:15 pm. So we had to drive separately this time and meet at the clinic. To top things off, we had freezing rain / sleet off and on all day, which made the commute to our appointment especially fun. At least my normal route was construction-free this time.

I arrived at the clinic a little early and let the front desk know Hubby was going to be late. The very nice receptionist said she'd let the nurses know, and a few minutes later, two nurses (one in training, who looked the same age, if not slightly older than the other nurse) came to talk to me. The main nurse (the one not in training) said it was no problem Hubby was going to be late and that we could go ahead and get started or wait for him. I asked if we could wait until 1:30, and the same nurse reiterated it was no problem at all and there was no rush; she was so nice. (Thank goodness!)

I knew 1:30 would be a stretch and Hubby likely wouldn't make it by then, but I hoped it wasn't going to be much later than that. 1:30 came and went. Around 1:40, I just happened to look outside through the window of the 4th floor waiting room and saw him pull into the parking ramp entrance. What timing! I immediately let the receptionist know Hubby had arrived, and I stood near the desk to welcome him and let him know it was ok he was late. Plus, I thought the nurses were going to come out and get us right away. Yeah, that didn't happen. We waited maybe another 15 minutes before they finally called our names. I wondered if they decided to take a lunch break while they had a few extra minutes?? Either way, the only thing that mattered was we could now start our appointment.

The nurse consult was no big deal - that's probably why my memory of the details are a little foggy already. It was all fairly familiar to me anyway from three years prior. We talked about meds and a tentative timeline of everything, we went over my booklet of information that came in the mail a few weeks before, and suggestions for where to order my prescriptions. I remember asking a few questions and being proud of myself for speaking up when I was unsure about something or wanted clarification, particularly when it came to remembering how to administer the medication. Historically, I'm not one to say anything additional in my doc appointments because...well, I'm not entirely sure why...maybe I feel like my Dr. has already brought up all the important topics so the other stuff doesn't really matter?? Anyway, the nurses didn't volunteer a demonstration of how to give myself the medication (like I remembered them doing last time) so I asked for a refresher. And it all came rushing back..."oh, yeah, I remember how to do this!" I thought to myself. I was also amazed that I ever forgot.

After we all agreed there were no more questions, the nurses let the financial consultant know we were ready for her. And this is where it all went down hill... After she entered the tiny conference room, one of the first things the consultant said to us, aside from the typical greetings and pleasantries, was NONE of our cycle was covered by insurance. I kept telling her I believed her but I was still surprised that even the u/s monitoring appointments weren't covered. And she kept saying something to me like, "unless you know something I don't, your insurance doesn't cover anything related to fertility treatments. Aside from IUI." I mean seriously. I just told you I believed you and that I was sure you were right, just that the information was still surprising. And no, I don't know anything you don't know. So quit asking me if I know something you don't. All I wanted to do was express my surprise...no, shock. I don't need you digging at my wounds any further, lady. She was actually very nice, I just found it irritating that she kept repeating herself when all I wanted to do was express my surprise.

She went on to explain we could pay her today for our FET cycle (a mere $4,300.00, not counting meds), send two checks in the mail (because one agency / clinic covers the monitoring and another covers...I'm not sure what...the embryo transfer, maybe?), or remit payment at my first u/s appointment. She left the room to give Hubby and I a few minutes to talk it over, during which I reiterated to him I couldn't believe NOTHING was covered. I mean, I know nothing was covered three years ago, but I hadn't met my out of pocket max expenses for the year at that time so going into this appointment, I thought (hoped) more was going to be covered. Anyway, Hubby and I weren't sure what we were going to do so I just told the consultant we'd mail it to her. She wrote down who to make the checks out to, and we were on our way.

I was crushed. I truly didn't know if we were going to be able to proceed. We no longer had extra cash around since having our twins. My heart ached. My soul sank to the bottom of my feet. My uterus shriveled up and hid behind other organs in my body. And to top it off, Hubby and I had to drive - separately - back to work. I couldn't even talk to him properly about what I was feeling because he left first while I scheduled my next appointments (not knowing if I was actually going to be able to keep them).

I tried to keep myself collected while at the front desk booking my ultrasounds, but as soon as I got into the miserably slow elevator, the hurt and the tears and the anger began to release. It wasn't until I reached the parking ramp that I didn't care anymore who saw me or what they thought. I was full-on sobbing. I debated whether to just have a good cry and move on or call Hubby via cell phone to talk about it. What the heck. I called him. And managed to choke out some coherent sentences like "It's not fair! Why can't we have it all...with building a new home and building our family?? Why did this have to happen to us?? There are all these people out there in the world who have no problems having kids who don't deserve them! Why does it have to cost us $35,000 and counting to have our family?? I really don't know if we can do this." And so on.

Hubby didn't have much to say back to his hysterical, sad, sobbing wife but he did get out a few encouraging words, like "You know you will always regret it if we don't at least try. We will make it work. This is all you've been talking about for the past, what, year?" And I remember saying "Just because we can make it work, doesn't mean we should. We just don't have that kind of money anymore. And I don't know if we actually can make it work this time."

Basically, I gave him an out, a realistic, logical, unplanned out, and he didn't cave. I couldn't believe it. He was there for me and knew my heart. He knew what I really wanted and didn't take advantage of my weakness for an opportunity to go the other route and remain a family of four. And I love him for it. I was scared and so unsure of how we could possibly make it work, but we were going to give it a shot. Somehow.

I've always - ALWAYS - said to myself and others in my life, I would never wish infertility on anyone. Not anyone. But on this day, I had a moment of realization. Clarity. I do wish infertility on some. I wish it on politicians who vote against IVF as a covered medical expense. I'm certain if they walked a mile in my shoes on this journey, we would have policy changes over night. I wish it on those who keep having more and more children and can't (or don't) take care of them. The ones who don't know what a blessing it is to have a child. The ones who take it for granted. The ones who hurt and abuse their children. The ones who don't protect those little hearts. And, most importantly, the ones who don't love them. To not love a child is completely unfathomable to me.

This may be the most selfish admission I've ever made. But this cold, dreary December day changed me. Tears fill my eyes even as I write this. To those mothers, those parents, those so-called families who think their beautiful, unique, special, wonderful children are burdens, and to those politicians, I say to you: you deserve infertility.

FET #1 cycle updates: SIS / trial transfer

2016-01-11T14:53:00.000-06:00

My SIS was scheduled for Tuesday, December 8 at 11:45 am. I called my RE's office a few days prior to get a prescription for Valium to take before my appointment. I think I called December 4; I have a record in my cell phone from that day but I can't remember what, specifically, it was for so that's my best guess...I had to get my prescription somehow so this seems like the most logical option. Anyway, the day of my appointment, I had a meeting with my boss immediately before I needed to leave so I wasn't able to take my Valium one hour before my as instructed. The best I could do was 30 minutes, or risk being high during my meeting. ;) And because of the Valium, I needed my hubby to drive me to and from my appointment, which was fine because we work in the same building.

We left at 11:15 am only to discover our normal route was closed due to construction. I was pretty confident I knew an alternate way to get to the clinic but I pulled up Google maps just in case. We had no more issues and arrived with a few minutes to spare.

Soon one of the nurses called me (and hubby) back to a room, gave me instructions to undress from the waist down, leave socks on, and wait for my doc on the table. I briefly reminded her I have a history of difficult SIS tests and that I wasn't looking forward to this one. At all. We had a quick discussion about it, which made me feel better, and before she left the room, she read in my chart my last FET was successful with B/G twins. We had a small moment of bonding as she informed us she also had B/G twins (maybe 5 years old??) with "J" names. So fun hearing other moms of multiples talk about their twins, especially the names. I love hearing what others name their kids. And I love it when the names start with the same letter, like ours (even though we didn't plan it that way). She said she felt like age 5 was a big milestone to reach where her kids became so much more independent. I'm both excited and terrified for that day to come.

Then the nurse exited (I must make a mental note of her name next time...Theresa, maybe??), gave me a few minutes to get situated, and returned with my doc - Doctor C. He asked me a few questions - to which I should have reiterated the nausea caused by my BCPs but I didn't think of it in time - including if I was in my happy place from the Valium. I told him I didn't feel any differently but maybe it was working and I didn't realize it. He thought that was likely. Then we got started.

First, the nurse inserted the vaginal ultrasound wand to get measurements of the thickness of my uterus and any follicles. My uterus was good (I forget the measurement but it was thin) and I had one follicle (on the left, I think) measuring 24 mm. No one told me directly what the measurements were; they just read them off to each other and recorded them in my file. So I asked, specifically about the second one (which, as I mentioned, turned out to be a follicle...I mean, I had an idea based on what I remember from my IVF and FET in 2012 but I wanted to be sure). Dr. C said it was probably a cyst on a follicle that didn't fully develop because I was on my first week of BCPs. I assumed if I had been instructed to start my BCPs earlier in my cycle, there likely wouldn't have been anything to measure; i.e. my one lonely follicle wouldn't have grown at all, or at least not a measurable amount.

Then we moved onto the ~~fun~~ painful part - the SIS and trial transfer. I'm not going to sugar coat it. It hurt like an SOB but not nearly as badly as my last failed SIS in my OB/GYN's office over the summer. As the procedure began, I took several deep breaths, especially when the catheter was threaded past my cervix and into my uterus (the trial transfer part). Then deeper breaths as they inflated the balloon and pushed water through it to get a look at the inside of my uterus, specifically checking for any abnormalities such as polyps, fibroids, or septums. Dr. C said everything looked good, and the cramping became almost unbearable as they captured the last couple ultrasound photos. Relief came as my doc removed the catheter and balloon. Not a huge amount of relief, but some was better than none. I was actually surprised how long the cramping lasted.

And my hubby was there with me the whole time. I told him before the procedure started, he could go to the waiting room if he wanted but he elected to stay with me. I was pleasantly surprised and appreciated the support through something I knew was going to be very painful. Afterwards, though, I insisted he leave the room to give me a few minutes alone to catch my breath and clean myself up. I thought for sure the cramping would have been gone by the time I was dressed but it wasn't. I even needed hubby's help walking to the car after my appointment. I eventually fell asleep on the way home and woke up as we were pulling into the driveway (about a 25 minute ride), and was mostly pain free at that point. But the Valium was in full effect so I slept most of the rest of the afternoon...until the kids came home. It was good, and I was so relieved they didn't find any more polyps or fibroids.

FET #1 cycle updates: CD1 and BCPs

2015-12-15T15:23:00.007-06:00

Side note: I'm so disappointed in myself for not blogging about this part of my treatment when I went through IVF the first time around in 2012. It's amazing how much of this process that I thought was so ingrained in my mind - like a tattoo - has been erased or is just plain foggy. Then again, I didn't start my blog until after all this stuff had already happened. Ugh! Note to self: be better at documenting things this time around!

***

I meant to write this post earlier but I had two sick toddlers on my hands around the time this cycle officially started. It was a really rough seven days. Then there was work and (trying) to catch up on sleep. And just life in general. So here I am. Finally.

CD1 started Saturday, December 28 - even earlier than any of my "normal" early periods - which meant my cycle was only 26 days in November. Out of all the years of tracking my cycles, I had never recorded anything less than 27 days before. Cue freak out and Google search, re: premature menopause. Results: inconclusive. As you would expect from Google. Note to self: Discuss with doctor - my mom went through menopause around age 40. Although, now that I think about it, I don't remember (I was only 10 after all) if she went through menopause before or after her hysterectomy. I'm sure my dad would know but that's not exactly something I'm excited to bring up to him.

Anyway, I missed the window of calling my RE's office on Saturday to report CD1 and discuss next steps, and they are always closed Sundays except for important and unavoidable appointments. So I gave them a call Monday morning, and of course I had to leave a voice message. Less than two hours later, I received a call-back from a nurse with instructions: start BCPs Wednesday, December 2 and continue taking them through Wednesday, December 23.

I didn't have time to fill my prescription until Wednesday after work, and even then, I nearly forgot...I'm easily distracted these days. So I rushed to my local Target pharmacy during E&E's bedtime routine (I hate missing putting them to bed) and came home with more than just my Rx, because who goes to Target and makes it out alive with only one or two things in their cart? And I took my pill around 8:30 pm.

Fast forward to Thursday morning: me with a horribly upset stomach, sitting on the toilet crying, and trying not to vomit at the same time. I managed to squeak out "I can't do this!" to myself between sobs and nightmarish flashbacks to the all-day "morning" sickness I had with my twins for 17 weeks. Then I was finally forced to "finish up" before I was ready because I knew it was coming: the wretched vomit from the pit of my stomach caused by my BCPs. Oh how I hate those things! Only, this time, it didn't come. I knelt there for at least a good 10 minutes dry heaving and hoping and praying for some relief. Then, all of a sudden, just as quickly as it came on, the pain and nausea vanished (mostly). And I felt like a real person again. I whispered to myself "maybe I can do this."

Don't get me wrong, I had mild nausea the entire rest of the day, but nothing as bad as what I was hit with early in the morning. I've had this strong reaction before but I've always just powered through it. ...Not this time. This time, I called my RE's office. At 7:59 in the morning. And left a message.

A nurse actually called me back before 9:00 am but I just missed her call by a few seconds. So I called back again right away, even before giving my phone a chance to register a voice mail, and guess what! Someone actually answered! Miracle of miracles, I didn't have to leave another message. The nurse who returned my call in the first place was routed to my call by another nurse; I was glad to be able to speak with her rather than try to explain what had happened to someone else while I was at work.

She gave me a few options: 1 - Stop taking the BCPs and get re-dated for a "natural" cycle but this would push our transfer out to March. Curious as I am about how a natural cycle works, I passed. I had no desire to push our transfer out FOUR more months. 2 - Continue taking the pills normally and put up with the nausea, which she said would improve over time as my body got used to the new hormone levels, and continue with this cycle as planned. She also recommended taking the pills at night (which I was already doing) and taking them with food (which I did as well). 3 - She could call in a new prescription to my pharmacy for a low-hormone BCP.

I opted for the last one, which was actually my suggestion to her. I went through this same experience in college (except I did actually throw up in a campus restroom between classes and my student job) and ended up on a low-hormone pill at that time, which, it turned out, I didn't need to be on in the first place because there is no getting this woman pregnant naturally. No way. No how.

But I never ended up picking up that new prescription because I didn't think my insurance would cover two sets of BCPs in one month. I never called to check on this to be 100% sure, but it's par for the course; I've run into this with other prescriptions. So I've just been putting up with the nausea and lack of appetite for almost two weeks now. I haven't felt like I've needed to throw up since that awful Thursday morning, but I've definitely been nauseated every day and feeling like I don't want to eat (or like I just want unhealthy junk food). So basically, I already feel like I'm pregnant without actually being pregnant. Yay. (Not.)

{note: this post will continue next time with my SIS / trial transfer appointment and our nurse consult / financial consult appointment. and lots of tears.}

last night

2015-11-05T11:33:00.003-06:00

After E&E went to bed last night - which, let me tell you, was like WW III - I hesitantly brought up the idea to my hubby of postponing our FET. And surprise, surprise! He didn't have a strong feeling one way or the other about it. I don't know why, but I actually was a little surprised he didn't have a preference. Looking back, I should have known better. ;)

Now I feel like this is yet one more thing I just need to decide on my own and basically tell my hubby what I want to do. As I've mentioned before, this is both good and bad...good that I can do things my way but bad that we aren't actually making the decision together. Because isn't that a big part of what marriage is? Making decisions together as a unified front?

So here is a list of some of the pros and cons of postponing from my perspective (please feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments):

(-) We will be even older...I will be well into my 38th year and my husband will be halfway through his 47th year (as opposed to if we move forward in January when I would give birth about a month before I turn 38 and just a couple weeks after my hubby turns 47).

(-) It will affect how much I am able to participate in my 20 year class reunion in 2017. I know it sounds silly to include this but it's been on my mind since my last class reunion (which was the most fun EVER) because as an infertile, I knew timing would be questionable if I was still growing my family in my later 30s. I graduated from high school in a tiny town with a tiny class of 43. We're all very close and I really want to have a good time at our next reunion and not be - for lack of a better phrase - tied down (and exhausted) with a newborn. Oh, and I currently live in a different state so it's not like it would be just an evening out. It would be at least a long weekend away. And it takes 8 - 10 hours to drive there.

(-) I'm afraid if we postpone, we will postpone permanently because we will have become comfortable or we will have come to a deeper understanding that we just can't afford it. Or that I will be ready to move forward in a few months and my hubby won't. So then we will end up going through the whole argument again.

(-) 99% of my girlfriends are already done having kids and are on their way to freedom and flexibility. Don't get me wrong, I love the infant and toddler stages and all the snuggles, and I know I will mourn it one day when it is over for good, but when I am still tied to naps and feedings, my girlfriends will have their big kids making their own big-kid decisions. And they won't have to wipe anyone's butt but their own.

(-) I really want to go on a 40th birthday trip with my girlfriends the year we all - or most of us - turn 40. And I want to not have to worry so much about my kids when I'm gone. I have trust issues with caretakers other than myself and my hubby when my kids are less than 18 months old. (I have big-kid fears too but I'm not there yet with my twins so it's less of a worry right now.) So it would be ideal for my next child to be a bit older by the time I turn 40. (I have similar thoughts for the year my hubby turns 50...which is the year after I turn 40.)

(-) If waiting until next year, it will likely be more expensive because we've already met our out of pocket deductible for this year. That is, if some of the FET monitoring is covered by insurance like I think it is. (I expect to find this out for sure at one of our appointments in December.)

(+) Then again, if postponing until next year, it will help us reach next year's out-of-pocket limit faster.

(-/+) We will inevitably get the "you're too old to be parents" comments, which I'm already dreading, especially from my hubby's family. But I suppose we will get these comments whether we postpone our FET or not. So maybe this is a more neutral point.

(+) We will (hopefully) be more financially stable by only having about a year left of daycare payments for our twins (instead of a year and a half - which doesn't sound like a big difference but when we're talking literally thousands of dollars every month on childcare, it makes a bigger impact). Plus, my hubby will be up for a promotion sometime in March...adding to our financial security (if all goes as planned...although that may be more of an argument not to postpone).

(+) I won't be pregnant, and thus huge and sick and uncomfortable and limited, when we move into our new house late next spring. It will be easier for me to help pack and move big boxes and rely less on others for help, which, let's face it, no one likes helping other people move. No one even likes helping themselves move.

(+) E&E will be bigger and easier and more helpful with a newborn around. Because they will be out of their terrible twos - fingers crossed - and closer to four years old. (FOUR YEARS OLD. I just can't imagine it.)

(+) I will have the baby of the group for my friends and family to ooh and ahh over (until the next one comes along, anyway). Who doesn't love that! ;) Although six months isn't that big of a difference when it comes to this.

(+) Our new baby could have a due date closer to E&E's birthday and my mom's birthday. Having my child's birthday on or near my mom's birthday has been a dream of mine since losing her 10 years ago to breast cancer.

At this very moment in time, I am leaning toward not postponing because I know things will be hard either way. So, really, why delay the inevitable?

But we'll see how I feel in the next five minutes...

***

In other news, we signed the paperwork last night to start building our new house! If all goes as planned, our builders should break ground in about three weeks. So. Exciting. :D (I'm trying not to think about the stressful stuff and just enjoy the process.)

random thoughts

2015-11-04T16:13:00.002-06:00

*I would have been much more satisfied with my post from yesterday if the meme I included wasn't quite so serious, particularly because my arms aren't exactly empty, which I am thankful for every day. ...I need to learn how to create my own ecard memes, including one with a geriatric uterus. ;)

I'm feeling much more positive since coming to the above realization within minutes (maybe even seconds) of publishing my birthday post. Yesterday, I felt the meme was not as reflective of my mood as I had intended but it was all I could find in my online search. Sure, I was feeling down about another birthday and another reminder my biological clock is constantly ticking downward, but that particular ecard felt more negative than I actually felt.

*My hubby and I are in the process of finalizing our plans for building our new home. I've been so happy and excited about the reality of this that I'm pretty sure I've been in denial (or something) about how much it is really going to cost us and how thin it is going to stretch our budget. I've had some serious thoughts today about whether we can actually afford this house and another FET and another baby (hopefully) all at the same time. It scares me to admit that we really can't afford it all. So I've been mulling over the idea of postponing our FET until the spring. That would give us more time before our next baby is born (God willing) and less time paying for three kids at the same time in daycare (or with a nanny). Which would help our budget tremendously. If we were to have three kids in daycare at the same time, it would cost us around $3K a month! Who can afford that?!?! I mean, we could afford it if we didn't have other expenses like say a mortgage. But it's not exactly realistic for someone in my age group - who has had to fork out a sh!t ton of cash to have kids - to have their mortgage paid off already. (Although, to be fair, if we weren't moving and we didn't have any kids, we could easily have had it paid off this year. But I'd much rather have my kids than be mortgage free; I wouldn't trade them for anything!)

So, as much as it pains me, I'm thinking about throwing out the idea to my hubby tonight of postponing our FET. I think it will be good to at least talk about it but my fear is if we do decide to wait a few more months (like 6 months because I absolutely do not want to give birth in the winter) that it will be postponed for good. Wish me luck!

another year

2015-11-03T16:16:00.003-06:00

Today is my birthday. The big 3-7. And another reminder of my ever-aging, empty, infertile, geriatric uterus. I tried to look for a funny / sarcastic "geriatric uterus" meme but couldn't find one. So I went with this instead...it was the only "infertility / birthday" meme that popped up in my search.

And don't forget...an empty bank account.

(Ugh, I'm not usually this down or negative in my posts. Must be hormone-related...although, I've had some mentally challenging setbacks lately too. Hopefully, I'll be feeling more positive in just a few days.)

wasted

2015-11-02T16:13:00.002-06:00

As you may recall from my last post, I was instructed to call my RE's office on my next CD1 to start my BCPs and schedule my monitoring appointments. Well, today was CD1 - two days early, which means my cycle was only 27 days this month and I will likely get two periods in November. Yay. (Not.) Anyway, I called my RE's office around 10:15 this morning and of course I had to leave a message. But to my surprise, one of the nurses called back about an hour and a half later. In the past, I typically haven't received a returned call until the end of the day or even the next day, so this was good. Basically, the nurse told me I wasn't supposed to start my BCPs this month or come in for any monitoring appointments. Which makes sense now but it doesn't change the fact they gave me the wrong instructions less than two weeks ago. Apparently, they meant to tell me to call back with my CD1 after this CD1. :/

So this means this month is completely wasted (unless - miracle of miracles - I should actually get pregnant without medical intervention in November...yeah, not likely). I didn't even realize this was going to be a wasted month until literally just a few seconds after I hung up the phone after talking with the nurse. So I called back to double check I was given the correct information this time and to see if there was any way to squeeze me in a month ahead of schedule. And what do you know! A nurse answered on the second ring. Miracles do happen! (Maybe there's hope for me yet for a natural pregnancy!) But the answer was no, I couldn't get in any earlier. :'( The reason for this was because of the FET schedule. It was completely booked in December so I have to wait for the January schedule as planned. And now I'm just sitting here waiting for my next CD1 so we can actually get moving on our FET. This is going to be the. longest. month. ever.

Oh, and I received some pregnancy news over the weekend, too: my 26 year old cousin is due with her first baby in April (if you're trying to do the math, that means she is 11 years younger than me). I'm not going to lie...it stung. A lot. Why is it still so hard to hear pregnancy announcements even after having my beautiful twin miracle babies?? Ugh, I'm on the verge of tears even as I write this. Most days, I handle my situation and my disease well. Other days, like today, and days when I hear pregnancy announcements from expectant moms and couples, I can't help but think, with tears in my eyes, "Why did this happen to me? Why do I have to spend $30K (and counting) to have a family? Why isn't treatment for this disease covered by insurance like all the other diseases out there?" I pray every day my kids won't have to go through this.

And I wonder if it will still sting when I am 70 years old...

FET #1: SIS, trial transfer, and nurse consult

2015-10-20T16:21:00.003-05:00

I've left so many messages lately with the nurse line at my RE's office that I completely forgot someone was likely going to call me back today in response to my message yesterday to schedule my first set of appointments. Luckily, I was at my desk with my cell phone next to my computer when it began to vibrate at 3:16 pm. I waited four rings before answering - as many as I dare before having it roll to voice mail - as I rushed to the stairwell to make my way upstairs and outside. I work in the basement of my office building so reception is extremely poor, plus I don't want anyone overhearing my personal conversations.

When I answered, I knew I had not made it far enough up the stairs for the person on the other end to hear me so I prayed she wouldn't hang up. I hastily made it up the four flights and anxiously waited to hear a voice on the other end...as I panted heavily from practically running. Whew! After some apologies and a brief explanation on my part, the nurse or scheduler or whoever it was, didn't seem amused as she got right to the point. She gave me a few options for my next SIS (ugh - this will be my fifth one, I think, or maybe my fourth??) and practice transfer, and a few options for the "nurse consult" appointment. I took the first available for the saline sonogram / practice transfer, which was Tuesday, December 8 at 11:45 am, and the second available for the nurse consult: Monday, December 14 at 1:15 pm. Then I asked about the nurse line and if I will always have to leave a message and will always have to wait for someone to call me back. She said yes, that phone is never answered because the nurses need to have the patient charts in front of them to be able to answer questions. I find this ridiculous. I don't know if they need to update their systems or if everything is done on paper or what but my OB/GYN's office just puts me on hold for a few seconds while they pull my chart. I almost never have to leave a message there. So I expressed my frustration in a polite manner and she didn't seem to care. I made a mental note to address this with my RE the next time I see him.

Since the person I spoke with today wasn't the most pleasant, it threw me off and I completely forgot to ask about a prescription for Valium or something before my SIS. I have a history of this test not going very well and being extremely painful so I brought this up with Dr. C at our consultation in September. He said he could prescribe me a pain medication like Vicodin. I let him know Vicodin makes me sick so we both agreed on Valium. Valium is wonderful. :) So now I'll have to call back again to ask for a prescription. :/

The scheduler also mentioned my next step was to call back on the first day of my period so I could start BCPs...and I assume to make sure my upcoming appointments are indeed scheduled for the right time of the month. I mentally looked at my calendar in my brain as I was on the phone to recall my last CD1 and became alarmed when it seemed to be around the same time as my SIS appointment. I mentioned this and the scheduler seemed to think I was overreacting. She said something like, "Well you'll be on birth control." Me, in my head: "Um, ok. I can still have my period and be on BC." Me in reality: "So you're saying I won't have my period then because I'll be on birth control." Her: "Yes, you should be starting that at the end of November." Me, in my head again: "We'll see about that. It should be more like the first week of December."

It doesn't seem like there is much to do at this point other than wait. Wait, wait, wait. Oh, and try to get a hold of someone about my Valium question.

unexpected progress

2015-10-19T13:50:00.000-05:00

I received a letter and some pricing information in the mail last Friday from my RE's office, the same day I received the voice message from the nurse about waiting to hear from embryology. Heh. That must have been what they were working on in the 10 days I was waiting for them to call me back. It was good to see there was something that came from my waiting but it still would have been nice if someone had let me know what was going on. Then, on Saturday at 1:11 pm, I received another voice message from another nurse at the clinic stating she was calling to get me scheduled for my frozen embryo transfer. I was not expecting this at all. If I'd known she was going to call, I would have kept a closer eye on my phone. And I would have talked with my hubby about it beforehand. As such, I didn't notice the missed call for another 45 minutes. In her voice message, the nurse casually mentioned if I was able to call back before 1:30, she could get me scheduled, and to call a specific after hours phone number. If not, I was to call back on Monday and go through the normal scheduling process. Um yeah. I was a little frustrated to have less than 20 minutes to return a call I didn't know was coming. So I missed the 1:30 cutoff.

Anyway, it's now Monday so I called my insurance provider this morning to see if "follicle monitoring" for IVF was a covered benefit. Without asking many questions, the representative put me on hold to do a little checking before coming back with a "no." I could have sworn it was covered last time, and I tried to explain this to her - I even tried giving her the billing codes - but she dismissed me and said no IVF-related services were covered. In retrospect, I'm wondering if I should have rephrased my question since I'm not actually looking at doing IVF (maybe I should have said "fertility" instead?). So I decided I would call back this afternoon and talk to someone else.

Afterwards, I IMd DH that I received a voice mail from our clinic and if we wanted to try to get in before the end of the year, I needed to call back today to get my monitoring appointments scheduled. The conversation went like this:

[...]
Me: "I promise to never ask to do this again if we at least give it a shot. No #4."
DH: "Absolutely no #4. Period!"
Me: "Agreed."
Me: "Who knows if it will even work this time anyway."
DH: "Two is enough of a handful. Take last night for example.... Or the day before, or the day before." (Side note: E&E were up from about 11 pm - 12 am last night screaming uncontrollably at everything and everyone because they were so tired and had no business even being awake. E1 started it by waking up and screaming for his cars - maybe he was dreaming about them and woke up thinking they were missing?? - then he woke up E2 in the process since they share a room.)
Me: "The tantrums don't bother me like they do you. It's just a short period of time that it lasts. And a phase they will eventually grow out of. Everything with kids is temporary."
DH: "Of course it is temporary. Everything in life is temporary."
Me: "That too. So it's no big deal. It's not like you're still hitting and screaming and crying when you are with [edited to remove DH's siblings' names].
DH: "We'd only be living on the streets temporarily too after going bankrupt."
Me: "Ha! A nanny costs the same with two kids or three." (Side note: If we have another baby, we will need to move the kids from a daycare center to a live-out nanny to save $$. I don't know how anyone can afford to pay for three kids at the same time in a center.)
[Pause]
Me: "So???"
DH: "1 transfer and that is it."
Me (crying and doing a happy dance and my heart bursting with happiness all at the same time...and all on the inside since I was at work): "Ok, we'll just transfer all the embryos then. ;)"

And the conversation went on for another minute or so about me trying to collect DH's life insurance early (he has no life insurance) and if we do move forward with this, he is for sure going elk hunting next fall (to which I said "sure, if I'm not in labor").

So there it is. Unexpected progress and a yes to moving forward. I am so happy; I can feel it radiating through my whole body. (And, frankly, I'm just a little scared.) I can't believe this day has come. Oh how I want to live in the moment - every moment in this new chapter.

PS - If you know me IRL - please, please, please - keep this information to yourself so it can be as much of a surprise to others as possible.

*** Update: I tried calling my health insurance company two more times today and the same person I spoke with this morning answered again! Both times! How is that even possible?? I hung up on her both times too because I didn't want to talk to her again. I'll try back again this evening; hopefully her shift will be over by then.

I also tried calling my RE's office to get going on my FET appointments but apparently one of the nurses has to schedule me and not one of the actual schedulers. So I was transferred to the nurse line where I left another message for them to call me back. I don't remember having so many issues like this three years ago. :/ ***

waiting for orders

2015-10-16T13:36:00.000-05:00

I finally received a return phone call from my RE's office this morning, on day 10 of waiting for orders and three attempts on my part to get in touch with someone. ANYONE. The nurses never answer the phone when I call (I assume this is regular practice for all patients). I always have to leave a voice message and wait for them to call me back, and hope it's during a part of the day where I can sneak away from my desk at work to talk in private. If I miss their call, we're back to playing phone tag. So frustrating!

I last spoke with a nurse on Wednesday, October 7, at which time she said she needed to get orders from Dr. C on how to proceed with an FET and / or treatment for the potential return of polyps and / or fibroids in my uterus and / or cervix. So I waited a few days and nothing. Soon a week passed so I called again on Wednesday, October 14. Nothing. I called again on Thursday, October 15 (yesterday), purposely sounding more and more annoyed with each message, and they finally called me back this morning. Of course I missed the call because it came at 7:38 in the morning when I was dropping my twins off at daycare. I didn't even know they called until I was logging into my computer at work and glanced at my phone. So I listened to the message, and guess what?! No apology. And no explanation why no one returned my calls for 10 days. I did, however, actually get some information this time: my chart is with the embryology lab, we need to wait for orders from them, and I am to wait for a call from my Dr's office - again - after embryology is done with my chart. Whatever the heck that means. Thanks for explaining yourself, nurse. I mean, what exactly does embryology do with my chart?? What do they look at?? What determines what my orders are?? What has been happening with my chart over the past 10 days?? And what the h--- has been taking so long?! I did not experience this ridiculous waiting and lack of response last time.

Ugh. I'm not sure if I should even bother calling back for an explanation at this point. Oh, and of course she didn't say how long I should expect to wait. So I'm thinking if I haven't heard anything by Tuesday morning, I'll call again Tuesday afternoon.

And one other thing I wanted to note because it may not be obvious: I realize I am exploring options and will potentially be scheduling appointments without my hubby first confirming "yes, let's do this" but I definitely won't go through with a transfer without it. Sometimes (read: a lot of times) I just have to get things in motion before he is finally able to make a decision. Which is pretty much what happened the first time around, and is also what happened with our plans (or potential plans) to build a new house. So yeah, I'm not going to just go get pregnant on my own behind his back (in case any of you were worried about that).

fearful

2015-10-13T10:48:00.002-05:00

I started this post a couple months ago but I'm just now getting around to publishing it:

I feel like I need to get this out in order to move past it: for as much as I want to have another baby, I still have fears. I'm sure, for a lot of women, this is normal. But when I have argued so long and so hard to change my hubby's mind and get him on board with another baby, I have this nagging guilt that I'm not supposed to have any fears.

What am I most afraid of? Lack of sleep. I've always been someone who does best on 9+ hours so going back to feedings every three hours, plus having two toddlers to take care of - who will not be on the same nap schedule as a new baby - freaks me out. I mean seriously - how do people do it with multiple children of multiple ages and multiple routines?!?! It gives me anxiety just thinking about it, but I know when it comes down to it, if we are blessed with another baby, we will do what needs to be done. Just like when we had two babies at once. Funny enough, I was never once afraid of having twins.

I'm afraid of the expense. We are already on such a tightbudget every month, doubt creeps into my mind about whether we can actually afford another baby. This one is really hard for me to admit because I want another baby so much. But I also want a new house...our twins need separate bedrooms (and we need to live in a nicer / safer neighborhood). For everyone's sanity. So we are actively pursuing building our next home; we just need to decide on a floor plan. Can we really afford a new home and a new baby at the same time? Yikes. I hate feeling like I'm being forced to choose between a new home and a new baby. I just want to make them both work. Somehow, though, we could do it. It just might not be in the way I / we want it to be (i.e. tapping into our savings account or hiring an au pair instead of sending our kids to daycare...I'm not crazy about the live-in nanny thing but I guess it's better than going broke).

I'm afraid I'll fail at breastfeeding. Again. Don't get me wrong...I'm not one of those who thinks "breast is best" and is completely anti-formula. I want to be able to do it for the emotional connection. The few times I was able to breastfeed my twins, it was the most wonderful and amazing experience. I just loved it and I want it to be a better experience this time (if there is a this time).

I'm afraid of more stretch marks. And worsening sagging nipples from pumping if breastfeeding doesn't work. Really - did the latter happen to anyone else? I haven't been able to find a single other person who experienced this. It's so...depressing. I was fine with everything that happened to my body during my twin pregnancy until the stretch marks started at 34 weeks, and by that time, I was already measuring 40 weeks. They just kept growing and creeping up on me for another three weeks. Then the sagging nipples from the force of pumping, which I didn't even notice was happening until a few month after I quit pumping. I suppose because it took some time for my boobs to go back to normal.

I'm afraid of the delivery. Period. Whether it ends up being vaginal or another C-section. I would prefer a VBAC but I'm afraid of causing damage to my lady parts...and ending up with significant scar tissue in two areas of my body - my abdomen from my prior C-section and my nether regions from a vaginal birth. And just ending up with a broken body that feels less attractive in the presence of my husband. I don't think he would feel this way about me but I'm certain I would feel this way about myself. Alternatively, I'm afraid of worsening scar tissue on my abdomen from a repeat C-section and worsening numbness in that area as well. My lower abs are still numb from my incision over two years ago. I hate it.

I'm afraid of developing preeclampsia again and all the other miserable pregnancy (and delivery) side effects I experienced. (And believe me - I had it all. Ok, not literally all, but a considerable number of them.) I'm afraid of not enjoying my pregnancy. Again.

I'm afraid I'll want another baby again (a fourth) and my hubby will then be about 50. That's a big YIKES according to the norms of society. Unless you're rich and famous and on your third marriage. Or something.

I'm afraid of only having three kids and our third feeling left out because he / she isn't a twin. I have two sisters (I'm in the middle), and I remember purposely leaving my younger sister out of things when we were growing up - at the direction of my older sister - which I now feel bad about. I'm afraid if we have another boy, our only daughter will feel left out. And vice versa if we have another girl.

I'm afraid having another child will be hard on my marriage. My hubby is not one of those doting fathers who is eager to help with the kids or come to their rescue when they cry or just need a diaper or a hug. He loves his kids but he is easily bothered by the messiness that comes with them. So I usually end up being the primary care giver, which sometimes causes me to feel angry and resentful. And also makes our kids prefer me over Daddy, which isn't a great thing when they both want me at the same time but don't want to share me with the other either.

Ok, this one sounds silly, even to me but...I'm afraid of cooking and feeding and planning meals for three kids of two different ages. Mostly because cooking has never been a big priority for me. I don't mind cooking when I have the time and energy - and those will both be in high demand with adding another human to our family. But now that E&E are over two, it's getting so much easier. I'm afraid to go back to the hard part again.

I'm afraid of starting over and losing what little flexibility and freedom I've gained since my twins are now 28 months old. It was next to impossible to get out of the house on my own with two babies for maybe the first 14 months (for things like groceries or a haircut...the park wasn't such a big deal). Will I be isolated all over again if we have another baby? Will it be even harder to get out and do things with three kids?

I'm afraid of transferring one embryo and having it split in two and going through the infant stage with twins all over again. I think back to how it was with my twins for the first year and I really have no idea how I did it, especially when I was home on an extended maternity leave for seven months. All by myself until my hubby came home from work. At the same time, I would also feel blessed to have two babies simultaneously again...and then I would have my four kids and my worries of someone being left out would be nearly nonexistent!

I'm afraid of going through six more FETs for all six embryos (if we could even bear the expense of six FETs) and having no take-home baby. This would be the ultimate heartbreak. Or attempting to thaw our embryos and having none of them survive.

I'm not necessarily afraid of this next one but I am very resistant to it happening: getting a minivan. I will do almost anything to never be a minivan-driving mom. Almost.

This probably isn't a totally comprehensive list, and I have a feeling some of these fears stemmed from having two babies at the same time and how hard that was, but I also have moments where I think having just one baby would be so easy compared to raising twins. And because of that I sometimes find myself saying "I've got this!"

FET consultation

2015-10-12T16:16:00.001-05:00

DH and I had our FET consultation on Wednesday, September 16 at 9:00 am with the same doc we used the first time around when we had our twins. I just love him. I remember being hesitant to see a male doctor when we first started treatments in 2012, but he came highly recommended by a close friend who also saw him, so I went for it. And I haven't looked back since. Actually, I saw the only female RE in the office once (because my doc wasn't available) after having my pregnancy confirmed three years ago and that was enough for me. I didn't care for her methods. Or maybe it was her personality and / or bedside manner? Probably all of the above.

Anyway, since I was in my second 30-day layoff notice period at work (the first 30 days was my "working" period and the second 30 days was "non-working"), I didn't need to worry about requesting time off for our appointment. My hubby, on the other hand, was swamped and had an internal interview immediately following our consultation so he was a little stressed. And probably not as focused on our meeting as he should have been.

Nevertheless, the appointment went about as smoothly as it could with getting our questions answered. Our biggest concerns were regarding our odds of conceiving if we were to move forward with another FET and the associated costs. I wasn't sure how the scar on my uterus from my C-section would affect things, or my recent surgery to remove polyps and fibroids, or my age (I'll be 37 next month. ugh.), or the length of time our embryos have been frozen...but Dr. C assured us our odds today are as good as our odds were three years ago. That was music to my ears but my hubby still wasn't convinced we should move forward, citing his age and the affordability of having another child and blah blah blah. The same tired reasons he gives every time, to which I give the same rote answers: basically, he shouldn't let society dictate at what age he is allowed to become a father again and that we have backup resources available for money shortages (savings, 401(k), my dad).

The cost of the FET itself seems to be a non-issue this time. The clinic requires a $2,800 fee be paid up front - I mean $2,800 is nothing compared to the $30,000 from last time! - then there are the costs of medications and doctor appointments. The doctor appointments and monitoring would most likely be covered 100% by insurance because we reached our out of pocket deductible back in May, I think it was. My health insurance plan also includes the cost of medication so most normal medications are covered at 100% right now too...it's just a matter of which FET medications are covered by insurance and which aren't. So I'm hopeful at least some of the FET medications will be covered...and I'm hopeful we can get through our next FET before the end of the year.

I feel like we're in a pretty good place to move forward with trying for a baby again job-wise, insurance-wise, and house-wise. After MANY months of serious searching (and years of dream-searching), we finally selected a lot about two weeks ago on which to build a new house! I am so excited for this new adventure but the only piece that feels a bit uncertain is how much our new house payments will be. I know it will be tight whether we have two kids or three so there is a bit of uneasiness on both our parts there, but I just can't - I won't - let that interfere with my dreams of expanding our family. This is our last shot. I know next year isn't an option because, if I'm being totally honest, even I think it would be crazy for my hubby to become a dad at age 49. But who knows, if it hasn't happened by then, maybe I'll change my own viewpoint on the topic. I probably sound like a hypocrite here, and I consider myself a pretty (wide) open-minded person, but even I have my limitations.

At the end of our appointment, Dr. C asked us if we were ready to move forward or if we needed some time to think about it. I was ready but I knew my husband needed some time, so instead of pressuring him into it in front of our doctor, we both agreed to take some time to think about it. Dr. C said to give him a call when we were ready to move forward, and if he didn't hear from us he would know it was a no-go. He said he was booking all the way into November already (insert my heart breaking here) because I would need to go on BC for a month before beginning the FET medication to prepare for our transfer month. I was prepared for this news because of past experience but it still hurt.

CD1 started October 6; I texted DH in the morning what day it was and that I needed to call the clinic if I was to start BC for an FET next month. He didn't look at his phone all day (yes, he was being honest about this and wasn't avoiding me...after all, he didn't know it was CD1), and the clinic closed at 4 pm, so I went ahead and left a message for the nurse line at 3:30 pm. After a bit of phone tag, the nurse finally got a hold of me the next day. I explained in my message the previous day I was concerned I had fibroids and polyps again because I experienced spotting during this past cycle so I wasn't sure if I should start BC pills or what the protocol was. She said regardless if I have polyps / fibroids again, she needed to get orders from Dr. C before moving forward either way. I reluctantly hung up the phone without a plan and filled in DH after we were both home from work. I said I wanted to find out if the polyps / fibroids were back and figure out what to do about it whether we did another FET or not, which was true, but I'm also hoping that by exploring this path, it will lead us to an FET. DH didn't object but he didn't concede to move forward either. This man is so frustrating sometimes with his lack of decision making and how long he takes to think about things! Sometimes it forces me to make decisions for us before he is ready, and then I have to later go back and tell him what has happened and smooth things over, because we've simply run out of time.

I haven't heard back from Dr. C's office about our orders - it will be one week on Wednesday that we last spoke - so I'm probably just going to have to call the office again myself. This is very unusual for my clinic; they're normally very on top of things. And it's already the middle of October and I still don't have a confirmed "ok" from DH to start the cycle - hopefully - next month. We are REALLY pushing it to get in before the end of the year, and if we can't get in until January, I have a feeling DH will never say yes (because it's more money out of our pocket). This might be one of those situations where I'm forced to make the decision for us. I both love and loathe it (mostly loathe).

gainfully employed

2015-10-12T13:52:00.001-05:00

A short update on my job situation:

I started my new job Monday, September 28 so I ended up with about 3 1/2 weeks off...all paid. Losing my job turned out to be a blessing because I never really liked what I did in the first place (project management). I suspected all along things would work out in the end but I needed to take some time to mourn before I could move on. My boss who laid me off actually hired me back again (it was comforting to know she really did like me!) for a brand new position that was just created. (I know...sounds crazy, right?) What happened was my position was eliminated (there were two of us who were let go) and the decision was made that the work was going to be absorbed by other teams. Then, coincidentally, two new and totally different positions were created at the same time I was laid off. So I applied for one of them. I was (am) thankful to be hired back and to feel the comfort of having job security again but I was (am) so sad to not stay home with my babies. Being a SAHM is all I've ever wanted to do since my Es were born in 2013 (heck, I wanted to do this even before they were born). ...It was a wonderful 3+ weeks off with them, aside from me being sick with a cold / laryngitis for one of those weeks, causing me to send them to daycare; but overall, E&E stayed home with me about half the time. When I wasn't sick, I used the time to get some things accomplished while the opportunity was there (mostly preparing for my friend L's wedding, and all the duties that come with being a bridesmaid).

In order to return to work and not use my 8-month severance package, I had a bottom line salary I needed to earn in order to pay for daycare. I decided ahead of time if I was offered a job that didn't meet my minimum salary requirements, I was going to turn it down and stay home. But my boss came through and made me an offer above my bottom line and above what I requested for a new salary. It was bittersweet but I just couldn't say no to a 20% base increase.

So now I'm back to hoping. Hoping that since we have dual incomes again, my hubby will turn the corner and agree to move forward with another FET.

untitled

2015-08-04T14:22:00.002-05:00

I was laid off from my job of 12 1/2 years this morning. Sooo....not really sure where that leaves us with having another baby. Don't mind me, I'll just be over here crying my eyes out. :'(

here we go

2015-07-29T15:53:00.000-05:00

Since my hubby has given the 'ok' to move forward with a consultation for an FET, I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer need to perfectly articulate my reasons for wanting another baby; I can just say them as is. No fancy words, no pressure to connect my heart to my mouth (or finger tips) using just the right descriptors. No fear of rejection because I couldn't find the right thing to say that matches what I feel on the inside. I can move forward with a 'plain jane' list of what's been trying to come to the outside. It will be honest, it won't always be pretty, and some of these you may have heard before. So. In no particular order, here we go...

• I want to have a boy and I want to name him after my dad. I wanted this the first time around with my B/G twins but my husband was not on board with it. So I caved, and although I love my son's name, I wish I wouldn't have given in. I carried those babies, dammit, and went through a lot to bring them here. Maybe one day I'll write their birth story so you know exactly how much I went through. Plus, they already have my husband's last name, so why can't I choose the first and / or middle name(s)??

'There's no guarantee you will have a boy,' you say? That's one benefit of doing an FET...we can do genetic testing to ensure we have a boy, as long as all of our embryos aren't female. (Although I'm still on the fence about whether we will actually do this or if we will let nature take its course. As much as nature can take its course during an FET cycle, that is.)

• We still have SIX embryos in storage! I never knew how I felt about the whole debate about where life begins until I had my frozen babies. Now I feel like they are our babies just waiting for us to grow them and take them home, and if I could, I would go through six more pregnancies for each one (if they all survived the thaw / transfer process).

• I want a second chance at a normal singleton pregnancy. I know there are no guarantees with this one either, but I at least want a chance.

• The same goes for breastfeeding. Breastfeeding my twins was difficult and emotional and impossible. So much more than I ever imagined. I wanted to breastfeed them so badly but I didn't produce enough milk for even one baby. So I pumped. All the time. For four and a half months. And no one warned me it could stretch out my nipples. Every day, I feel sad when I look at my body in the mirror because it could have been prevented had I been informed and had I not pumped so rigorously for a meager 6 oz a day. But I still want another chance at it. Another chance for my body to do what it's supposed to do. Another chance to succeed. Another chance to experience the joy and bond that breastfeeding brings that so many other mothers get to experience. I know it won't be easy, but I'm up for the challenge.

• I'm not ready to be done. I'm not ready to be 'of a certain age' where I'm no longer trying to have a baby. It took me so long to get to the point where I actually had a baby (well, two at the same time) that I feel robbed of the choice to have a large family. A choice that most fertiles probably take for granted. And at 36, I feel too young to be done. My mom went through menopause early, around the age of 40, so I fear I will be of a certain age sooner than most. So I want to have another baby before it's too late. Stupid biological clock.

• My husband is nine years older than me so we are already pushing the boundaries that society has set for a guy's age at which he should no longer become a dad again. It's now or never. He doesn't want to be an old dad, and I get that, but there's more at stake here than just his age.

• Everyone in our immediate families and some of our close friends knew we were doing IVF so we never experienced the 'surprise! we're pregnant!' news. I so want that. (I know a couple of my friends will see my latest blog posts here, so please keep it to yourselves that we are in the beginning stages of possibly doing another FET. Other than you, we don't plan to tell anyone what is happening so we can have that surprise moment.)

• I feel it. You know how something just feels right? And no matter what you do, you just can't shake it? That's how this is for me; I was meant to be a mom. I believe this is one of God's callings in my life. I have always struggled and wondered what the heck my purpose is and what has God called me to do. Well, this is one of them. I've often felt drawn to adopt and / or be a foster parent as well. I love being a mom that much.

• Like I've said before, I would never regret having another child, but regret is certainly a factor if we didn't at least try. How can I not give these little embryos a chance? If we went through all seven of them and none resulted in a take home baby then I feel I would be at peace. Plus, I'd probably be at least a couple years older and pregnancy would be harder on my body.

• One pregnancy just isn't enough for me. I want so much to feel the joy of carrying and growing my baby, and feeling it kick. And enjoying every moment knowing this will be it. Even if that means suffering through three or four months of nausea again. Heck, even if it means going through everything again that I went through the first time.

• I want a second chance at a 'normal' labor and delivery. I never went into labor with my twins; they were delivered via c-section because I developed preeclampsia. And Baby B was breech and was more than 20% bigger than Baby A, according to u/s measurements. So my Dr would only deliver them via c-section. If I don't experience any complications with a second pregnancy, I want to do a VBAC, and I want to do it without an epidural (or being induced, etc). I also had a miserable recovery from my c-section, complete with pneumonia and a spinal headache. I feel so robbed of my birth experience, not only because of the pain I went through but because of the pain medication itself. It wiped away my memory of much of my six-day hospital stay - those first precious hours and days with my babies.

I think that about covers it. Although, I'm sure I've inadvertently left something off the list. I guess I can always go back and add to it again or publish another post.

I am also really curious why others in this community wanted to have another child. Any of them the same as mine? Please feel free to tell me your reasons in the comments. :)

catching up

2015-07-27T16:38:00.003-05:00

I'm so out of practice with this whole blogging thing. I have another private blog that I write for / about my twins...stuff about their every day lives, and milestones like first haircuts, etc. I haven't even been able to keep up with that during the past three months. I have all kinds of reasons but mostly I've just been worn out, stressed out, and needed a break.

After my last post on this blog way back in October (!), I began drafting a letter of sorts to my husband to try to better communicate my reasons for wanting another baby. Try as I might, I never published that post because the words just felt so...weak. So inadequate. I have had such a hard time putting the feelings in my heart into words that are publishable, or even into something that my lips can articulate. Don't get me wrong, I've started many, many conversations with my husband about giving IVF another go (or rather, FET), but it always ends the same: no decision made, me in silent tears because my heart and soul yearn so strongly for another child, and him, seemingly impassive yet firm at the same time in not wanting another child, and not really giving the topic another thought once the conversation is over. He has actually admitted that last part...he doesn't think about having / not having another baby unless I bring it up.

I haven't been on BC either...not for the past 10 years (except for a month or two here and there as necessary for a medical procedure). And no happy 'accidents.' :/ I'm one of those infertiles who will never 'accidentally' become pregnant. I've been living with that realization for so long that I think I've finally accepted it...as much as an infertile can accept it, anyway. Which, I guess means I haven't really accepted it.

Anyway, I'm blogging again today after months of silence because I've had a few appointments with my OB/GYN lately. It started with my annual checkup on Wednesday, March 11 and a diagnosis of 'metrorrhagia.' Which basically means my periods last longer that 10 days. I've always had longer episodes of flow, attributed to endometriosis, but going beyond 7 - 10 days was a new development after I had my twins in 2013.

So my Dr. recommended another SIS to see what was going on. Ugh, I hate that test. So. Painful. It supposedly isn't painful for most normal people, but in my experience, it is just as bad as an HSG. My test was scheduled for Wednesday, April 15. And let's just say it was a failure of epic proportions. I lost count after maybe four attempts by my Dr. to insert the catheter for the dye. I'm thinking she tried at least another four times, with help from her nurse, after that. And it took all I had not to holler in pain at the top of my lungs. I kept trying to remind myself I didn't want to terrify the other patients in the building. And then my Dr. finally gave up. She said I put up with her long enough and she remarked sincerely several times how she hates to hurt her patients. I didn't hold it against her, I think mostly because I fully expected it to hurt.

Afterwards, I got dressed and she met me in another exam room to discuss what happened and my options going forward. She said every time I tensed up in pain as she tried to insert the catheter, my pelvic floor muscles were so strong and tense they pushed the speculum out, which caused the catheter to not stay in place either. She said she's never had that happen before and basically most of the women in her care would be envious of such fit muscles *ahem* down there. I guess if there is one silver lining in this whole thing it would be that. I may not ever be able to get pregnant without medical intervention but I have super human pelvic floor strength, dammit!

She said my options going forward were to schedule another SIS in her office like this one, only next time take a muscle relaxer and insert a pill to soften my cervix. Or schedule a 'surgery' date, insert the pill to soften my cervix the night before, and be knocked out with anesthesia for the actual procedure. I didn't hesitate in saying I wanted to be knocked out.

My Dr. wasn't sure what the problem was with this attempt at an SIS but she suspected the catheter might have been getting caught on my c-section scar. She tried to tell me to relax during the procedure so I wouldn't push the instruments out but I just couldn't do it. Between sobs, I managed to choke out 'I don't know how to relax when it hurts so much!' She also indicated she was able to see something on the ultrasound during the procedure and that I might have a septum in my uterus, which was a bit shocking to me. She didn't know why it was only showing up now when it had not appeared during any of my other ultrasounds ever. But she said we will know more after my next appointment to try the SIS under anesthesia.

My next SIS was scheduled for Friday, May 29. Everything went well, according to my husband, who my Dr. spoke with while I was in recovery, except how saddened I felt when they requested a urine sample for a pregnancy test before they wheeled me away (which I ended up not providing since I'd just had another pregnancy test two days prior with my pre-op check-up...talk about adding insult to injury). I woke up feeling very tired and emotional - both a common side effect of the anesthesia. I was feeling extra emotional about wanting another baby and was crying in front of the nurse and my husband. Although I didn't say why I was crying until the nurse left my room. And as I came out of the fog of being put under, I had many questions for my hubby about my procedure but he did not ask questions or get many details from my Dr. So of course I had to wait until my post-op appointment on Wednesday, June 24 to get some answers. I guess I could have called the nurse line with my questions but I just decided to wait and talk to my Dr. in person.

At my follow-up appointment, my Dr. said she found both polyps and fibroids and that one of them was quite large and was located near the opening of my cervix. She said that was what was blocking her from inserting the catheter at my first appointment, and that even with the medication to soften my cervix, she had quite a difficult time getting the catheter in place. She said I made the right choice to be put under. So she shaved down the polyps and fibroids and ordered a blood test. She said my blood test was positive for fibroids and polyps, which meant I will always have them. But they definitely were never there before. I mean, they had the potential to be there, they just had not grown and protruded out of my uterus before. Great. Add this to my list of fertility deficiencies. I really didn't think she was going to find anything so it was both a relief and a heartache to hear there was more that was wrong with me.

We discussed plans for the future and if my husband was on board yet with having another baby. He hadn't fully and firmly said no so I just said yes because I was tired of having the conversation about trying to convince him. She said we could go ahead and try getting pregnant on our own for about three months, then we could move to clomid. I said I'd rather move straight to FET since we still had embryos in storage after our last fertility treatments and she agreed that it was ok to skip the clomid...unless I wanted to try it because it would be more cost effective if it did work. Time is not on our side so I'm still thinking we'll skip the clomid.

And that brings us up to today. Or this past weekend, rather. My hubby and I had a good long talk on Friday (during a 10-hour road trip with the kids) whether to have another baby. Basically, we made no decision and I intended to schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor to help us work through our differences. But since it was already after business hours, that had to wait until Monday. On Saturday, DH visited his parents who live about an hour away. Before he left I said something like 'Maybe you'll have time today to think about what you want.' Because he always tells me he doesn't think about it unless I bring it up so I wanted to put a little bug in his ear. We didn't talk about it again the rest of the day. On Sunday, we drove to my sister's house for dinner and the topic came up again. I asked him if he had made a decision yet, and to my complete and utter shock he said yes. He said he is 'reluctantly saying yes to scheduling a consultation.' I was excited about the 'yes' part but not about the 'reluctant' part. So I asked him 'what if your answer was no? how would you feel?' He said it would also be a reluctant no, mostly because he knows how much I want it. So there you have it. Not the best answer and not the worst.

I called our RE today to schedule a consultation and was heartbroken to hear the first available appointment was not until Wednesday, September 16 at 9:00 am. Ugh. I had hoped to have our transfer done in September and now, if we move forward with it, it likely won't happen until November. I did, however, ask to be added to the waiting list if someone else cancels so there's that. But I also asked how many people are in front of us and how often a cancellation actually occurs. The scheduler said there were a lot of people in front of us and that cancellations are rare. Not looking good for growing our Baby Three in September...I really wanted a due date near my (deceased) mother's birthday. :'(

So we will see what happens.

my heart

2014-10-17T15:16:00.004-05:00

Throughout my entire pregnancy, I swore to everyone this was it; we weren't having any more kids. I was THAT miserable. The whole 36 weeks and 6 days. And it was hugely disappointing to me because I had waited and wanted this for so long. I always imagined I would be the super healthy, active mommy-to-be type. I never imagined these babies would have another plan in mind.

But even with all that I endured during those 8+ months, just two weeks after having my little bundles of joy, I started to think 'it really wasn't THAT bad; I could do this again - with one baby next time.' So here I am again. Another child has been on my heart since two weeks after my E&E were born, and that desire has grown stronger with each passing month. I never knew how many children I wanted until I actually had them. Now I know I want four. But four won't be possible.

I don't know why I want four kids but I do. Well, I have a small reason for it but otherwise nothing overly concrete. It just feels right, like I have my twins and I know I want more kids. So if I have one more child, then they may feel left out because they are not a twin. So then if I had one more after that, they wouldn't feel alone and like they weren't special because they weren't a twin. There would be two non-twins. It just seems perfect to me to have a set of twins and two non-twin babies. Make sense?

How do I know I won't have four children? Because I'm now 35 (will be 36 next month) and my hubby is nine years older than me. So really, it's because of his age. (We have some embryos in the freezer so my age is less of a concern.) Also, my husband is adamant that he does not want any more children. Ever. He says he is happy with E&E and that they are enough for him. Ideally, I'd like to wait one more year before having another child, because let's face it, twins are not easy. But like most in this community, time isn't on our side.

So now I'm at a crossroads - either come up with a super, fantastic, wonderful, best-argument-ever to present to my hubby and get him to change his mind. Or ignore my heart. And go on living life. The problem is, I don't know how to do the latter. I spent eight years of my adult life TTC; it's like it's engrained in me so deeply that I don't know how to *not* TTC.

I have been trying to have conversations with my hubby off and on over the last several months about why I want to have another child but I've had a hard time properly articulating my reasons to him. It's like I feel it so strongly in my heart that words just fail me. But I do know the biggest reason that continues to run through my mind: we will never regret having another child but we may regret not having one. Or maybe it's just *I* will never regret having another child but he will?

So. Many. Thoughts.

Having another child has been weighing on me especially hard this fall, too. I think it's because this is the time of year that I found out I was expecting E&E back in 2012. And also because I have three, yes THREE, girlfriends who are pregnant right now. I am so beyond happy for them - truly - but it is still SO hard for me to hear about their pregnancies. Specifically, it's hard hearing the initial news that they are expecting, and then the news that their babies have arrived. All the in-between stuff I'm ok with, and actually love hearing.*

So I think for my next post, I need to gather my thoughts and compile a list of what I want to say to my hubby about why we should have another baby. I know I will be ok with one more child and not two; two would just be my ideal, perfect-world scenario. So if you have any ground-breaking arguments or knowledge you would like to impart on me, please feel free. Oh, and also prayers. I can always use your prayers to help me get through this, whether the outcome is what is in my heart or not.

*Actually, this part seems to vary from friend to friend, pregnancy to pregnancy. I wish my feelings about others' pregnancies were more predictable but just when I think I'm ok with one particular aspect, my feelings - and my heart and mind - betray me.

back again

2014-10-16T15:58:00.001-05:00

This blog has been on my heart a lot lately. I never intended to desert it but being pregnant with twins really took a toll on my body. Then the whole being-a-mom-of-twins thing took over my life. Who has time to blog with infant twins? It was impossible. But now that my daydream has come true and I am finally a mom, and my twins are approaching 18 months old (how did that happen?!), I find myself with a little time on my hands every now and then. I mean, I could fill the space in my life with things like cleaning the house, but that's no fun. So here I am. And I have missed you. I may not update on a regular basis but I really want to get back to blogging about infertility and mommyhood and all things in the in-between.

So. Where to start with my first ever return-to-blogging post? Maybe an update with my kids...

I developed preeclampsia so E&E were born via c-section three weeks and one day before their due date, on Friday, May 24, 2013 at 8:21 and 8:22 pm. I never went into labor but I did have braxton hicks contractions round the clock for approximately 12 weeks. Additionally, I was on bedrest for eight weeks (actually, two days shy of eight weeks of bedrest). Baby boy was born first at 5 lbs 8.5 oz, 18.75 inches, and baby girl was second at 6 lbs 4 oz, 19.5 inches. We did not find out the genders of the babies in advance; I always imagined my pregnancy this way...if I ever was lucky enough to become pregnant.

Both babies have names that start with 'E,' which wasn't planned, we just happen to like two 'E' names. Baby boy's middle name is the same as his paternal grandfather's middle name and baby girl's middle name is the same as mine and my mom's. With two E names, DH and I have come up with a variety of nicknames for our kids...E2, E squared, E&E, category E2 twister, etc, etc. And I am so in love. I'm debating whether to use their full first names on this blog, so for now, I will just keep it at the nicknames until I decide.

I'm also a working mom, but I did stay home for the first seven months of E&E's lives. I took a three month maternity leave plus a four month personal (read: unpaid) leave. Only eight weeks of my entire leave of absence was paid...which is a whole other blog post topic. I wish I could be a stay at home mom, something I've always dreamed of, but there is this whole planning for the future and my retirement thing. I work in the retirement industry so it would be pretty hypocritical (or something) of me to not work and save money for the later years. I mean, once you stop contributing to say a 401(k), it's really, really hard to make that up later. So basically, I'm working for my future and my kids' future. Plus, health insurance. Otherwise, I'd have no problem quitting and staying home. Heck, I've even thought about starting my own business to have more flexibility with my time. But that's another topic for another day too. So much to catch up on in this blog! (Whoa, was that a majorly grammatically incorrect sentence.) ;)

Anyway, I see a lot of you that I was following when I started my own blog have stopped writing so I'm not sure how many people will be reading this. But I'm here, nonetheless. I have been checking in from time to time hoping to hear from you in your own spaces. Maybe you've done the same with me? So here I am. Finally.

Let's catch up! I'd love to hear from you. :)

24 weeks (and 4 days)

2013-02-27T19:40:00.002-06:00

As you can see, I took another break from blogging. I came down with a miserable cold at the beginning of February - exactly one day after my 20 week check up with by OB - and I didn't feel like doing anything except sleep and lay around the house. It didn't help that the only thing I was allowed to take was Tylenol, which isn't the best for treating a cold. Ugh. I still cough occasionally throughout the day and my nose still gets stuffed up at night, but I wonder how much of the latter is related to the dry winter air, my allergies (I have allergies year round thanks to dust mites), and nasal passage swelling (another wonderful pregnancy symptom).

Anyway, my hubby and I had our 24 week growth scan today at 2 pm at a perinatal physician specialty clinic for high risk pregnancies. I was a little nervous but I was still looking forward to seeing our babies again. I was nervous because I have been worried since my last u/s four weeks ago that the babies were going to be smaller than they should be at our 24 week appointment. Everything looked good at our 20 week appointment - both babies were measuring in the 50th percentile, which my OB assured me was normal - but everywhere I go, people tell me how small I am for carrying twins, whether I know the person or not.  I'm also HUNGRY ALL THE TIME. But don't worry, I also EAT ALL THE TIME. I was afraid that because I am hungry all the time, that the babies would suffer for it and that they would be smaller than they should be.

Fortunately, all that worry was for nothing. After reminding the u/s nurse that we didn't want to know the genders of our babies, she assured us she would not give anything away and began taking tons of measurements - heads, bellies, kidneys, chambers of the hearts, legs, arms, feet, fluid in the sacs, umbilical cord blood flow, heart blood flow, and heart rates (I think that covers it). I teased my hubby that he wasn't allowed to look for signs of girl vs. boy.  He said he couldn't tell what all the body parts were anyway so we were in the clear. ; )

The u/s nurse tried to get photos of the faces for us but both babies were facing away from the u/s wand toward my spine and both were head down. This is the first time that we had seen both babies head down. In all of my previous appointments, Baby A has been in the breech position on my left and Baby B has been sideways across my abdomen on my right. So in order to try to get photos of the faces, the nurse had me roll onto my left side to see if the babies would change positions and reveal their faces.  But no, that didn't work. Then she had me roll onto my right side but that didn't work either. After a few minutes of really trying, she was able to get a view of half of Baby A's face. I felt myself smile. Then she let us know everything looked normal (Baby A had a heartbeat of about 140 and Baby B had a heartbeat of about 143) and that the perinatal physician would be in to see us in a few minutes.

DH was super tired from all the long hours he's been working lately so he closed his eyes for a few minutes as we waited for the doctor. About 15 minutes later, the doc came in and took another quick look at both babies. By this time, Baby B had revealed her/his face! I was so excited that I asked the doctor if the technician could come back and scan the face for a photo for us. She smiled and said of course she could do that.  And before she left the room, the doctor let us know that she agreed that everything looked good. She said Baby A was measuring at 1 lb 9 oz and 25 weeks, and Baby B was measuring at 1 lb 12 oz and 25 weeks, 3 days. I am technically 24 weeks, 4 days today so they are both measuring ahead of schedule. Yay!

The u/s nurse came back to scan Baby B's face right away before s/he moved again and we were able to get two profile photos. Baby B had moved slightly so that the face was no longer looking toward the wand but a couple profile photos were better than nothing!

After about an hour, our appointment was over and we were on our way...but first I needed a quick stop for a snack. At McDonald's. Yes, there is a McDonald's in the hospital where we have our growth scans. Way to promote healthy eating! My "snack" was a quarter pounder with cheese (no onions - these babies don't like onions) and about half a medium fry order, which was supposed to be for my hubby but he shared with me, and a couple sips of his Coke. : ) Ahh...the babies and I were quite happy. And then I arrived home and had some more snacks. Like I said, I eat all the time (although this was only the second time I had eaten food from McDonald's since being pregnant).

And now it's time to eat again.

I'm back and it's nearly 21 weeks!

2013-01-31T18:42:00.000-06:00

Hello lovely readers. I do apologize for being away for so long, and thank you to all of you who still continued to check in. I am really touched by your care and concern. It was just unbearable for me to keep up with blogging while struggling with all the pregnancy nausea. Now that the "morning" sickness* has finally passed (knock on wood), I plan to update you all with what's been happening with my pregnancy over the last (almost) 21 weeks. I can hardly believe that I am actually typing that...21 weeks of pregnancy. But it is becoming more real all the time. I regret that I wasn't able to document my pregnancy as it progressed from the beginning so that I could look back and remember all the details but the awful nausea was far worse to deal with than I ever imagined. Not to mention being completely exhausted all the time.

It's been so long since I've written anything that I hardly know where to start. It's been a little overwhelming, actually. Every time I would think about writing something, it seemed like such a huge, daunting task that I've been avoiding it for the last three and a half weeks since my nausea has passed. But I might as well start where I left off last fall: my hubby and I are expecting fraternal twins! Both embryos decided my uterus would make a nice home for the next 9 months after our transfer back in September. I've been told by a number of people - friends, family, doctors - that my nausea was so terrible because we are expecting two babies instead of one. Since I have nothing to compare it to, I'll just take their word for it. Seems to make sense anyway - double the hormones!

I'll keep this a short post tonight as I get back into the blogging world again. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm back and that the babies and I are doing well. I hope to catch up with you all again too!

*I have come to loathe the term "morning sickness," especially the "morning" part. My nausea lasted 24 hours a day. I have a feeling whoever came up with that term did not have a uterus.

still here

2012-10-31T11:04:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to write a quick post to let you all know that I'm still around. I've been so sick for the past three weeks - like 24-hour a day ickiness - that all I want to do is lay on the couch and sleep. I haven't actually thrown up yet but I've come close. Many times. Not to mention what a struggle work has been. I just keep hoping I don't get sick during any of my meetings! I shouldn't be surprised by my queasiness; my mom was sick the entire nine months of each of her three pregnancies, and my sister was sick during her one pregnancy (although I don't think it was for the whole nine months - there's hope for me yet!). I'm just taking it as good news that things are progressing as they should. My next appointment can't come fast enough: another blood draw on Friday, November 2 at 7:50 am.

************

Correction: My next blood draw is Friday, November 9 at 7:50 am and my next u/s is Wednesday, November 7 at 2:00 pm.

beta #1 and #2 - the numbers

2012-10-16T19:48:00.001-05:00

A week ago today was my second beta. I haven't blogged about it yet because I just haven't been able to get up the energy by the time my hubby and I are done with all of our after-work happenings (gym, dinner, errands, grocery shopping, etc). But tonight, I stayed home and didn't do any of my usual evening activities so I'm getting an early start on my computer usage.

So. Beta day #2. I wasn't with it enough to ask what my first hCG level was when I received the call from my RE on our first beta day so I waited as patiently as I could for beta day #2. I could have called and asked what my first number was but I just decided to wait. If it was good enough for my RE, it was good enough for me.

On Monday, October 8th, I called just a few minutes after the clinic opened to schedule my second blood draw; I could hardly wait to get it in the books.  I asked the receptionist to transfer me to scheduling and when my call was picked up, I requested an appointment for Tuesday.  Once again, I chose the earliest time slot available: October 9th at 7:30 am. I think I was too excited to realize that an appointment a little later in the morning would have been ok and would have allowed me to sleep in a little longer. The cut off time for same-day blood test results at my clinic is 10 am. But I also didn't want to arrive at work too late and make people suspicious and ask questions as to my whereabouts.

After scheduling my blood draw, I couldn't wait any longer. I texted my sisters the news that our FET cycle worked. I would have called but I was at work and didn't want other people to hear our conversations...and I couldn't wait all day to tell someone!  My younger sister responded first via text with "Hot diggity dog!!!!!" Then my older sister responded with "I accidentally erased your msg" so I resent it and she responded with "Well hotdog." LOL, my sisters and I say these kinds of things to each other all the time so they were pretty appropriate. ; )

All day, I had a very torturous wait to tell my BFF (we'll call her A). I could have texted her the news but we hadn't talked on the phone for a really long time so it was a nice reason to communicate using a method other than email or text. After I was done with work, the gym, dinner, back to the gym again because I left my cell phone on the stationary bike, a couple of texts with A, and a failed attempt at Skyping, I finally gave A a call to tell her our news. And we talked for 2 hours and 14 minutes. Oh, did I mention she lives several states away and I don't get to see her very much? (Boo!) We had a very lovely phone call with lots of catching up and many heartfelt congratulations from her. And we were having such a fun time talking on the phone that I wasn't ready to hang up when it came time for DH to give me my nightly PIO shot. So yeah, he stuck the needle in my tushie as I was talking to A. And I told her all about it. ; )

As I went to bed Monday night, I was again too excited to sleep very well, even despite my energy shortage from the effects of actually being pregnant. But my alarm going off at 5:45 am the next day still came too early. I showered, readied myself, and left for my appointment at 7:00 am....and made the mistake of taking the freeway. Traffic was stop and go for the first 20 minutes of my commute! Ugh. I tried calling my clinic to let them know I would be a few minutes late but of course they weren't open yet. I gave up trying to give them advance notice - after all, if they didn't even open until the exact time of my appointment, they could hardly blame me for not being able to tell them I was stuck in traffic - and I turned on the speed racer mode once traffic started moving again. I made it to my appointment and was only about three minutes late. Sometimes I think I should have been a race car driver. ; )

Soon after I checked in, my name was called by the usual tech who has the unfortunate tendency of stabbing me in the arm for my blood draws. (The two blood draws that didn't hurt must have been a fluke.) We made small talk; I'm generally not that into small talk but I was in such a cheery mood from receiving my BFP news on Sunday that I didn't mind. I think I actually chatted a little too much with her because she made a comment (not in a rude way) that made me stop talking so she could fill out the necessary paperwork. After she finished filling out what she needed, she said something to me like, "So you're back again today?" with a happy smile on her face.  To which I responded, "Yes! I received a surprise positive test on Sunday!" and we continued with more small talk. I even talked right through the stab in my arm, but not without wincing and having a strain in my voice as I spoke. And then she bandaged me up and sent me on my way. All that worrying about being late to my appointment for nothing. For those of you who know me IRL, you're probably not surprised by this. I hate being late and rarely is it a big deal when I actually am (queue memories from my bachelorette party and ensuing trip to urgent care - I'll save that story for another day).

I made it to work about 20 minutes later and tried to busy myself with, you know, actual work, as a distraction until I received the call with my blood test results.  My attempts at distraction were only minimally successful.  But finally, I heard my cell phone vibrating at my desk a little after 3:00 pm. It was one of the nurses and she gave me my magical beta numbers: 494 from beta #1 and 1,161 from beta #2! If my math is correct, that's a doubling time of 1.6 days! Hallelujah! I remember thinking something like, "I really am for real pregnant! Thank you God!" The nurse said my numbers rose "beautifully" and wished me congratulations. She also informed me that the next step was to schedule my first u/s and that it needed to be October 27th or later.  Wow, three whole weeks until my next appointment! How will I keep my sanity??

The nurse transferred me to scheduling, and since I will be out of town the weekend of the 27th for my grandma's 90th birthday, I set up the appointment for October 29th at 11:45 am. I was disappointed that I couldn't get in for my appointment before my grandma's birthday, just to have confirmation that everything is ok and have it be a bit safer for us to tell the rest of my family our news. I know it's still early to tell people that weekend, but it will be a large gathering with many family members who I haven't seen in years - in some cases, SIX years. After scheduling my u/s, I hung up and sent DH an instant message to tell him the good news and to make sure he blocked off his calendar for our appointment on the 29th. I couldn't believe it - me? Having a fetal u/s? I thanked God again for giving us this miracle.

Oh, and I was so excited for the good beta numbers and scheduling our first fetal u/s that I forgot to ask the nurse some of my questions. So I called back a few minutes later and of course I had to leave a message. Fortunately, it didn't take long for the nurse to call me back again. I asked her when it was ok to have sexy time again (I didn't say it exactly like that though - LOL, maybe I should have!), how far along I am in my pregnancy, and if they were able to give me a due date yet. She said no sexy time until after our u/s (yikes - that means no sexy time for a total of 4.5 weeks! boo!), that I was 4 weeks and 2 days (so today, the day I'm finally writing this post, I'm 5 weeks and 2 days), and that my EDD is June 25. That last part still seems wrong to me so I'm going to ask about it at my next appointment. I think it should be more like June 15, but I'm no expert.

And I finally slept that night.